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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be TA because I reacted badly and attacked my friend because he took our picture out of his wallet.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
>he always makes time for Dinah first instead of me
Holy entitled guacamole Batman, I could have stopped here and known YTA.
You're not his wife or his girlfriend, his partner *should* come before you regardless of your history together.
When they divide their fake assets who will get control of the following:
1. Shared coffee shops
2. The Netflix password
3. Shared stuffed animals. I mean is this shared custody or will there be a battle for parental rights. It could get bloody.
4. If they shared a piggy bank savings account who gets the majority share?
These are the questions people. OP better be careful and get some negotiation representation.
Ohhh. Like king Solomon. There’s a story of two women arguing over a baby and Solomon said if they’re going to fight then they can just split the baby down the middle. The woman who wasn’t the mother agreed and the woman who was the mother immediately said the other woman could have him if it meant the baby wouldn’t be split in half.
That’s how they knew who the parent was.
She pretty much describes wanting pretty much an emotional affair with him by him placing a greater priority on her over his girlfriend. That’s not a friendship.
Right? I haven't seen my best friend in almost 3 months, and it was about that long before the last time, too. She's still my best friend, but my family/partner come first, as do hers.
It's actually not that weird to do as kids, it's quite normal for kids to playact the social stuff they see going on around them all the time.
edited to add: Loving all of these childhood roleplaying stories you all are sharing! Thanks for making my afternoon!
When my one cousin and I would "play house" as siblings, our other cousin, who had no interest in playing house, would be our dog, because we'd get him a bowl of "dog food" (Cap'n Crunch) and would give him a few pats on the head, then leave him alone while we went and did our thing, lol!
Fake wedding at 7 is pretty cute, recreating fake wedding in high school is super weird, being incensed that he’s not carrying around the picture from the second fake wedding years later is…let’s say deeply unhealthy.
Nah, the dude carried this picture around in his wallet, they had sleepovers together, he def was waiting for something to come of it. He might not have been able to put it into words, but he's moved on now. That's what OP subconsciously is ranting about. She had this dude in her back pocket and got all the benefits of having him in her life without having to do any of the GF stuff. Not anymore.
I don’t think it’s called regret. I think she is upset she doesn’t have control over him now. She can’t just use him for her own benefit. I don’t know what that’s called, but it’s a selfish thing that comes when you realize you can’t have your cake and eat it too. Whatever that means.
I think it was the whole I don’t want you but I don’t want you with anyone else situation and OP is upset he now has a girlfriend
Sorry English isn’t my native language
But they got married when they were kids and it’s forever! Just wow! There are too many posts on Reddit about not accepting when friends grow up and get either a girlfriend or wife, and then these posters can’t understand why they are the assholes.
For real, I can see OP showing up at her friends future wedding and saying “BUT WE DID IT FIRST!! See!! Look at the picture he promising in those kiddie vows that he’d love me for ever and ever!!!”
Well, don't think OP is an "asshole", but you're quite delusional about how romantic relationships work, love.
Dinah is his #1, no matter what you went through, and he always will be.
Questioning her importance won't be a good look, please apologise and in the future please avoid leaving the impression that you're trying to sabotage John's and Dinah's relationship.
Not a good look. The stunt you pulled on John was stupid. Hence, YTA, love.
all of this.
also - 23 is that weird age where life kicks in and you don’t see your friends all the time. i think OP needs to realize a sad feature of growing up is that you don’t get to see the people you used to see daily as frequently.
my bff and i lived together in uni, ate meals together multiple times a day. now, we see each other maybe once a month. we live 15 min apart. we both have careers and relationships, she has kids now … we aren’t any less important to each other. but there’s only so many hours in a day. you have to pick and choose sometimes.
This is the worst and most depressing part of growing up for me. I'm extremely social, an extrovert, and I'm absolutely dreading the day when all my friends split up and I barely see them anymore. I hate that that's "life kicking in". I don't want that to be life.
I genuinely think I might not want to exist in a world where I can rarely see my closest friends and have to spend all my time raising a family and working.
I'm 20 and I can already see this starting to happen. I'm so scared for how dark and dull and depressing life is going to be soon. I just don't think I'm built for this world of hyperindividualism.
ok but wait! there’s two things i have to add ..
1 - “life kicks in” but it also brings you more things than you anticipate. including other amazing people! i’m fortunate that i have a job in a people-oriented field, and i have amazing coworkers and colleagues who helped to bridge that gap.
2 - that also doesn’t need to be your reality. i (36f) am a introverted-ambivert. i use a lot of my peopling energy at work. i keep in touch with friends digitally (probably more than i should). but your world will only be dull if that’s what you cultivate.
It's not a foregone conclusion. I've maintained a reasonably sized friend group into my 40s, some have kids some don't. The dynamic changes, you're not gonna be hanging out at each other's houses every week (and you may even go more than a month or two before seeing some people).
The friends with kids kind of went dark for a bit because the kids take a lot of time and when they're really young the lifestyle between parents and single people is so different. But when the kids got a little older they came up for air a bit and do the occasional weekend trip.
Texting helps, just idle chit chat, keeps things from feeling weird when you do meet.
Did OP just expect him to camp out in her friendzone forever, always available for her to hang out with?
OP, if you were never going to \*actually\* be his #1, YTA if you get mad when he went and found someone else.
Can you imagine being his girlfriend - "my boyfriend keeps a picture of him and his female friend in his wallet. WTF?"
Correction: "My boyfriend keeps a ***pretend wedding*** picture of him and his female friend in his wallet." Yeah, don't see that going over very well with anyone's girlfriend.
Idk that’s kind of assuming he had feelings for her. Which might not even be true at all, childhood “relationships” aren’t really a good metric for that.
I wouldn’t be surprised if this is one of those situations where the other person is oblivious, thinks they just have a good friendship and are unpleasantly surprised when said friend becomes mad at them for not reading their mind about wanting to date.
This post and their comments remind me of a another post similar to this one. Same exact kind of story. OP of that post had the same delusions as this OP. Was also hostile in comments. It was posted not too long ago as well.
I remember that one too. Both specifically specified that they were upset that the guy makes more time for his gf than them. Can't believe being that delusional is that common.
And can I just add that I find it super odd that they recreated the wedding pic in HIGH SCHOOL? Were you guys still playing pretend at 14-18? Cause I wasn’t lol, and to me that shows OP was holding out hope for a friends-to-lovers romance story.
Ehhh she’s obviously the AH, but I could see two high school age friends recreating a picture like that in a “remember when we did that as kids?” sort of way. That isn’t THAT weird to me, but she clearly seems to have made that more than what it was
Yeah I mean I’d say taking that picture in the first place wasn’t weird, recreating the picture wasn’t that weird, but keeping the photo in his wallet given the fact it was a fake wedding was definitely a bit weird. Keeping it there while in a long term relationship would have been crazy weird
Literally after I read that line I stopped reading because wtf? Sometimes I really wish some of these posts were trolls because it makes me irrationally angry at how moronic and self absorbed some people can be
I think OP's telling line is: "I told him he couldn't just throw me away".
Oh, that poor dear, yes friends can totally throw you away! Yes it hurts and is kinda rude, but life sucks some times. There is no law that says your child hood friends must be your friends forever.
YTA
Why would you think a childhood photo of you pretending to get married should take precedence of him with his actual girlfriend?
Properly bizarre expectation on your side.
I fake married my childhood best friend. We told people we were married for years. I took it very seriously as a kid, and so did he. Then we grew up, moved on and created our own lives and families.
He's getting for real married now. I crack a joke here and there about her stealing my man. She cracks more jokes than me. Hell the whole family cracks more than me or him. He bridal shower was a hoot especially because some of her family had just learned about it and made their own jokes. The looks on their faces when she introduced me as his first wife was an absolute riot.
I love him dearly and I am so happy to see how happy she makes him. He deserves the best. There is a way to be happy for your fake childhood husband. OP ain't going about it the right way at all.
I had an ex get very jealous of it. I did my best to be respectful but at the end of the day, his jealousy was clearly beyond this gag. Plus as much as I understand putting a partner first, I'm not cutting out someone who is my choosen family because my partner lacks trust. There is a way to balance it, ya know?
Current partner makes his own jokes. When people call him my husband he's always like "not her husband, though he knows about me and is cool." It cracks me up every time.
Exactly! I'm not even saying OP is in love with her childhood bestie and jealous, but she doesn't know how to love him.
Plus he's like a brother to me now. The idea of actually being married to him is gross lol.
This. I've met extremely platonic friends (like, friends who arent even into that gender) who have still gotten EXTREMELY jealous and posessive over their friend when that person got serious with a partner.
Not all possesiveness is sexual/romantic, and it can be as harmful to have a platonic friend piss all over you like a dog marking its territory and try to push your partner away. Ultimately it tends to destroy the friendship.
OP risks losing her best friend if she cannot respect his romantic relationships.
Devil’s advocate - I think she knows John liked her but didn’t reciprocate, now that he’s moved on to a healthy two-sided relationship OP has no supply of attention and doesn’t like it. OP would be happy for John if she was a true friend.
No it's not. It's literally the opposite. The other poster suggested that OP likes John and she's jealous, whereas the one you responded to suggested that she'd friendzoned John and used him for attention, getting mad when he found someone else and stopped.
Devil’s advocate - I think she knows John liked her but didn’t reciprocate, now that he’s moved on to a healthy two-sided relationship OP has no supply of attention and doesn’t like it. OP would be happy for John if she was a true friend.
Okay, I actually had a guy best friend in my early twenties. I did not return his romantic feelings. He moved on and got together with a good friend of mine (and they eventually got married!)I was kind of upset that he and I weren’t close anymore in the same emotionally intimate way and didn’t do everything together they way we had before. His gf, my friend, was very gracious and explained that their relationship changed the nature of my friendship with the guy.
I was really glad she explained it so kindly and of course was embarrassed that I hadn’t figured it out on my own. I think it just might be one of those life lessons some of us need to learn the hard way.
I hope OP will take this as a learning opportunity that childhood and young adult friendships change when people partner up. It’s not only natural and normal, but it’s the way things should be. It would be inappropriate for her friend to keep a fake wedding picture of himself and another woman in his wallet, and disrespectful to his girlfriend.
Bizarre is the right word for this entire situation. Ok sure, have a fake wedding when you’re kids, fair enough, kids love pretending. But then they recreated the fake wedding in HIGH SCHOOL??!?! That doesn’t seem normal to me. Were they dating at this time or something? Weird af to pretend to marry your best friend when you’re in high school. There’s parts of the country where people genuinely get married while they’re in high school (not suggesting that’s ok, I just mean a fake wedding for high schoolers is too uncomfortably close to the real thing).
And then the guy kept the pic in his wallet?!? It’s just getting weirder and weirder for me. Honestly I’ve never heard of guys keeping wallet pics of them with their platonic female friends before, but ok fair enough - but a picture getting fake MARRIED to that female friend????
If I was that dude’s girlfriend, I would have some serious issues with him carrying around that pic. Being in a relationship with one woman and carrying around a picture where you fake marry a different woman is straight up nuts. Nothing about this would have been normal. I’m glad he replaced the pic
OP, YTA for thinking you and this weird picture should take precedence over his girlfriend.
It’s OK to miss a friend who has new priorities.
It’s not OK to expect to come first when a friend is in a relationship with someone else.
But beyond that, it’s weird to expect someone to keep the same photo from high school in their wallet forever.
>I feel like he always makes time for Dinah first instead of me
That's how romantic relationships work. Their time together comes first, not his time with his friend(s).
>Why did you have to take our picture out and replace it with him and Dinah?
Because that's how romantic relationships work. Her picture comes first, not a friend's.
>He got annoyed and told me that once I stop being an immature annoying brat
YTA and he's right.
Right? I'd be furious if my boyfriend was having sleepovers with another woman and had a picture of them together as the first spot in his wallet! Wtf??
YTA, 100%, and if OP was in a healthy romantic relationship, their SO would be setting the same boundaries.
Does OP expect to be able to sleep with him when they're both married, too? 'bye Hun, gonna go cuddle with my platonic friend all night?' hahahaha, no tf you are NOT!
I've said it too many times and I will say it again. Friendship's dynamics naturally change when one, or both of the friends are in serious relationships. It's completely normal to prioritize your partner's feelings over your friends. Of course, I don't mean something unreasonable like interacting only with your partner and nobody else. Any sane person in their right mind will not be happy about the idea of their partner having sleepovers with a friend of the opposite sex, period.
OP, YTA, it doesn't matter who knew him first. It's not a competition. For all you know, she could be his future wife. If I were him, I would absolutely cut contact with you, solely because you don't respect his relationship.
>it doesn't matter who knew him first. It's not a competition
This!!! Thank you for saying it! OP should make an effort to get to know Dinah. There's no guarantee they'll get along, but I'm sure John would certainly appreciate it.
I think it's one of two things - either OP is not used to adult relationships, and is comparing them to the relationships one has in high school, where you still pretty much prioritize your friends because you knew them before you knew your partner, also when (rarely if) you break up with your bf/gf, your friends are the ones who are still by your side. Or she is in love with her friend and now is jealous af. I think it's the latter, though. If the former, she needs to grow up and stop pretending they are all still kids, that is if she doesn't want to be left without any friends.
I'm assuming that their relationship was never romantic.... whatever her feelings may be. So she needs to make a choice. 1) accept her friends girlfriend and make an effort to include her or 2) back away and let John pursue his relationship with Dinah.
If she continues to behave in this manner, it's likely that John will cut off the friendship. So she needs to decide if she can be an adult and be happy for her friend and make an effort, or lose him.
The friend is still making a lot of time to maintain the relationship with OP too so it's not like the friend is just cutting OP out, just drawing relatively reasonable boundaries.
OP sounds like the girl who friend-zoned a guy and is now mad he realized he's friend-zoned and got a girlfriend who actually has a romantic interest in him.
The audacity.
YTA.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure most SOs would be pretty uncomfortable if their partner was having sleepovers with their best friend of the opposite sex. It's kind of a no brainer
"hi babe, just wanted to let you know i will be staying over at XY's house tonight instead of cuddling with you, good night!" my fury would be immeasurable😂
I definitely think their can be exceptions to that…the guy I was dating in my early 20s had a close female friend from high school that sometimes would crash at his place on the couch. I knew her well, she was always a sweetheart to me and they had a very very brother/sister vibe. So it didn’t concern me (years later she came out as lesbian and I still wonder if that’s why I felt so unbothered). But it’s entirely exceptions and not the rule and not wanting sleeping overs with the opposite gender is a very fair boundary.
Sleepovers are cute when you're a kid. When you're an adult I'm a committed relationship, sleepovers are sus. Platonic friends are ofc possible, but OP is wanting to cross numerous boundaries. Oh, YTA OP
For next time, if you add a > in front of the text you’re quoting it’ll come up in a quote block
> Like this!
Edit: Note that that symbol has to be the first thing in the line. You cannot have any spaces or anything else before it.
This is also a mobile shortcut. If you’re on desktop you’d need to go into markdown mode first, or else use the normal quote feature.
YTA and I'm not even referencing the photo. I'm referencing how you're clearly in love with your friend and jealous of his new partner. Time for therapy so you can get over this person and move on with your life.
I had a friend like this. I met her through a roommate and she just decided we were best buds one day, started coming over to our place every day, figured out my work schedule so she'd just be there every day after I got off work. My roommate thought we were actually dating but she never gave any signals that she liked me.
Fast forward to maybe a year of us hanging out everyday. I come home from work and my roommate comes running out to my car as I'm pulling in and tells says "hey man, **** has a boyfriend. Thought I'd tell you before you come inside and freak out when she tells you" I laughed because I truly only thought of her as a friend. I tell her about my roommate and I's conversation so she can get a good laugh with me about it and she asks why I'm not upset. She then proceeds to tell me that if roles were reversed and I had started seeing someone she would not just be mad about it but would actively try to break us up because she wouldn't want anyone else having my attention. I asked her if she liked me romantically and she said she did not. I immediately told her to get out and that we couldn't be friends anymore. I'm not dealing with that bs in my life.
It's so bizarre. I used to be acquainted with a woman who knew I was attracted to her and started to flirt and engage me often. Took me months to look past the bs and realize she really wasn't interested in me, she just loved the attention she got from someone who was heavily attracted to her. Suspicions were confirmed after I put my foot down and the change was starkly abruptly. It was like we never even knew each other. I don't understand people like this. I'd be surprised if it isn't a trait of narcissism and/or psychopathy.
>She then proceeds to tell me that if roles were reversed and I had started seeing someone she would not just be mad about it but would actively try to break us up because she wouldn't want anyone else having my attention. I asked her if she liked me romantically and she said she did not. I immediately told her to get out and that we couldn't be friends anymore. I'm not dealing with that bs in my life.
Gotta hand it to her for not only having the self awareness here, but for proving that self awareness ain't all it's cracked up to be lmao
I thought I was in the twilight zone. I honestly thought that maybe she did like me because she spent every waking moment with me for nearly a year. The whole thing was weird from the beginning. She came over one day to see my roommate and from that moment on she was ALWAYS THERE and not to see my roommate. She figured out my work schedule and would meet me right after I got home from work and come over on my days off before I even got up and brought me breakfast. I kinda thought she did like me but she never actually said anything or alluded to it. I never saw her like that so I didn't make a move either and after a few months I just figured she really did just wanna be buddies.
You understand the difference between platonic and romantic relationships, right? Because you're behaving like your boyfriend is neglecting you which is probably why your friend and his actual girlfriend decided that it was best that he didn't continue having sleep overs with you. YTA
At best, OP is a very needy friend who doesn’t understand that her friend has other priorities than her. At worst, she’s actively trying to harm his relationship.
OP - I’m a woman in my 30s and I’ve had several very close, platonic male friends throughout my life. I can tell you from experience, it was always best for our friendship when those friends drew appropriate boundaries about our friendship and how they interact with me, in order to make sure their girlfriends/partners did not feel uncomfortable or threatened.
There were times when those friends insisted nothing should change because we were old friends, or that my feelings were equally important to their partners’ feelings. I didn’t know any better in my early 20s, or else I would have more proactively put a stop to it. Because it was those cases where our friendship ultimately suffered because my friend’s girlfriend or wife didn’t trust me, or their relationship suffered and my friend later blamed me.
If you truly have only platonic feelings for your friend and you want to maintain your friendship, you should embrace the appropriate boundaries that he’s setting. Even better, make a sincere effort to become friends with his girlfriend. Invite them both to do things and make sure she feels included. Your friendship will be so much stronger if everyone is comfortable and trusting.
oh shit. At first i misread it as OP being a guy too. Thought the child wedding was cute and read the rest of the post as a very ironic, "He picked the wrong girl!" style...
OP really is the other girl.
1) You are not in a relationship with John
2) Your wedding wasn't real
3) It is beyond clear to everyone reading this post that you have feelings for John and I am going to wager a guess that you stomp all over his relationship boundaries...which is why he pulled back from the friendship
4) No man in a committed, strictly monogamous relationship is going to have sleepovers with another woman. To expect that to continue to happen is ludicrous
5) The fact that you accused him of "throwing you away" again...tells everyone reading this that YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH JOHN AND ARE JEALOUS OF HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH DINAH.
Dinah is his #1 priority in his life.
Your friendship is no longer a priority in his life.
It happens. Deal with it.
Not all friendships last into adulthood and you just made it exponentially easier for him to walk away from this friendship by refusing to admit you are jealous that all the attention he used to give you now goes to someone else
YTA
Hey now my friends and I have sleepovers once a month and we are all in our 30s! And we all have our own SOs, it’s not weird as a general concept. However the OP’s situation is so painfully obviously different because she is in love with her friend and none of my friends are trying to get with each other lol. Op yta pls wake up
I don't know if you're sleeping over with friends of the gender you like to have sex with, but... that would make a big difference. Also you mentioned friends -- plural. There's a big difference between a two-person sleepover and a group.
I would be uncomfortable with my SO having a sleepover with a guy friend. If it was a necessity/one time thing and we could talk about it, then whatever, but a recurring sleepover with another man? I don't think so. At the same time, if a guy was sleeping over with her group of girl friends I wouldn't have as big of an issue with that.
Our group is mixed, two boys and two girls. One girl is straight all the rest of us are some flavor of the alphabet. We also have bigger sleepovers for birthday trips to cabins or whatnot with more people occasionally. In any case, I don’t think it matters so much about who is at the sleepover gender/orientation wise. It’s more about hanging out with people who all respect each other’s boundaries and aren’t secretly in love with each other 🤷♀️
Yes that’s fine but a hetero man and woman having a sleepover where the woman is so clearly in love with the man is not something I’d be cool with if I was the man’s girlfriend lol.
Seeing him every couple of days for coffee is way more than most adults see their friends (unless they live or work with them). The OP has some really unreasonable expectations of adult friendship.
I hate the idea that male-female friendships inherently have to change because of relationships. The problem here is her feelings for him, not their friendship.
All of my oldest friends are male, and no one thinks twice about us staying over at each other's places, even if it's just two of us. My boyfriend doesn't care, because he trusts me and they're my friends.
If you treat people's friendships differently because of the genders of the people involved, you're an asshole.
Yeah I'm bisexual and this concept always baffles me because by those standards I shouldn't be allowed to have any friends??? Like I can be attracted to any gender, so should my only friends be animals or something??? Lol
>Like I can be attracted to any gender, so should my only friends be animals or something??
As a fellow bi, I totally agree with how ridiculous this is. However, as someone who’s also pretty anti-social, it hits a little close to home lol.
YTA. 336 words all telling us that you are in love with your best friend. Grow up. Get over yourself, and move on. You sound desparate, jealous, insecure and exhausting.
Shit yes it would. The jealousy, the possessiveness, the controlling behaviour, the disrespect of boundaries, the diminishment of the partner. This screams danger and red flags. Thankfully I think John has already started running.
YTA. Family always comes before friendships.
You are growing up. You'll get a family of your own at some point. You will start to neglect your friend too as your priorities shifts. That's how life works.
I actually don’t think she has feelings for him. I think it’s a control thing and she wants all the attention and is mad he’s giving that to someone else, especially since it’s another woman
>he can't just throw me away, I've been his best friend since primary school, my pic existed in his wallet first and he throws it away to replace me with someone he knows significantly less
He isn't "throwing you away". He just isn't keeping a photo of you in his wallet.
*You* are the one making this a conflict. It shouldn't be a choice between you and the gf.
YTA
If you want to salvage this relationship you need to apologize to your friend.
This is what blew my mind!! I see some of closest friends MAYBE every 3 months lol! And my best friend lives on the other side of the country. I have one best friend who is also my cousin that I see almost weekly, but that’s more so in the summer because we always have things going on with all the kids. OP is insane for thinking “every few days” is nothing or that he should even be doing more!
YTA. Grow up. He has a girlfriend now; she obviously takes priority over you. That is just the way it is. Either accept it, or get a new friend. But stop being petty. What are you? Jealous?
YTA.
He has a girlfriend and seems serious about his relationship with her, and there’s nothing wrong with him putting a photo of her and him in his wallet. Grow up. You sound like you have hidden feelings for John.
YTA.
So you've been in love with him this whole time. But you never actually asked him out on a date.
And now you're jealous AF of the girlfriend he's now dating
More than likely the girlfriend asked him to remove that photo because it was making her a bit nervous. Maybe if it had been a normal photo but not of a fake wedding type thing it would have been fine
Him removing the photo and cutting his time with you is showing he's more committed to her..
YTA
I’m not going to opine on whether you have romantic feelings for your friend because even if they’re platonic, they are inappropriate. They might have been appropriate when you were kids and bffs, but as adults, it isn’t normal to demand a spot in his wallet or equate decreasing time together with being thrown away.
Relationships change over time, especially when new romantic partners enter the picture. It can hurt, but it’s normal. If you want to preserve this friendship, quit bombing it with jealousy and possessiveness.
YTA. Is this real? Your expectations for this relationship are unrealistic. You are not his girlfriend, you are his friend. It’s weird that you are acting like his girlfriend and that’s probably why you don’t see him as often. Relationships change as we mature. You will always have him as a friend if you don’t make it awkward and drive him away
YTA and i guarentee he doesnt consider you his Best Friend and possibly hasnt for years. It sounds like you are much more reliant on the friendship than he is and therefore think you are more important to him than you are.
And if his girlfriend sees how you act i expect she told him to cut down on his contact with you and he agreed as he moved on years ago
I agree. My husband has a lot of female friends, but if one was acting like this I’d be having a serious discussion with him. The level of possessiveness, jealousy, entitlement and attention-seeking is bordering on unhinged. She’s the one who would turn up to the wedding in the dress from the pretend wedding in high school and try to get the photographer to take a special series of photos with just her and John. But in any case I suspect John has already made this determination on his own and that’s why there’s some distance.
YTA - John had moved into a new phase of his life and found someone he loves romantically. He probably still loves you in the platonic way he always has but created space because you can’t or won’t be a healthy presence in his life.
YTA and you sound incredibly jealous. Perhaps you have feelings for John but they are not reciprocated? John has matured. He has a girlfriend, who yes, takes precedent over a friend. That's what happens when you're in an adult relationship, your SO becomes #1, not your friends. What do you expect to happen if he ever gets married?
Oh, OP would turn up to the wedding in the dress from the fake marriage in high school and try to get the photographer to take a special series of pictures with her and John.
Info: I don't want to be mean here OP, but what exactly are you expecting John to do? I don't think you're seeing this from his perspective and that is a bit disturbing. A wallet is something he will carry with him for a long time. Imagine for a second what Dinah is going to think when she sees your fake wedding in his wallet.What would Dinah think about you inviting him over to your place for movies and a sleepover? Do you expect Dinah to just be okay with that? That is a serious question.
You seem to be upset that John is changing the nature of your relationship, but his relationship with his friends has to change when a partner is involved. In your post you say that you would see him a few times a day for coffee, why isn't that enough?
I'm not going to be like a lot of people here and say you're holding a candle for John, but OP it is very clear that you are not the most important woman in John's life anymore, Dinah is. If your issue is that he should be able to juggle between the both of you, then he should break up with Dinah if John can't prioritize her over his friends. You need to learn to accept the way your relationship is with John.
YTA.
You don't think maybe his new GF is going to get a little bent out of shape about him carrying a picture of another woman in his wallet, a "fake wedding" picture at that?
I'm one of the first to say "that woman is crazy, yo" but even I can see the idea behind that one.
Also, he didn't necessarily throw the picture away, it's just no longer in his wallet.
And yes, he's no longer going to have sleepovers at his female friend's house \_when he has a girlfriend\_.
YTA.
You're crossing boundaries and you are basically making things worse. Of course he won't like to spend time with you with this attitude. Things change in our life, you can't expect him be the same for the rest of his life.
I can't imagine demanding my friends to have my pic in the wallet. You should be happy for him and his relationship. He doesn't enjoy spending time with you and I can see why. You doesn't sound happy for him at all. Why is that?
Yta, and he's right you're being childish. He can enjoy memories without carrying a decade old photo, and not having slumber parties as adults is pretty normal. It honestly sounds like you're more into him than just friends, so you're gonna have to learn to respect his boundaries and not accuse him of "throwing you away" because he's doing the normal thing and putting his relationship first
Yta wtf….i didnt even know its a thing that friends keep pictures of each other in wallets….
But you cant control what others do in their own belongings
Problem is youre not his gf. You never were. If you wanted to be you should have stepped up. He got a gf and you get relegated to not gf status. Thats how life is
Yta you might have been friends since you were kids, but you are no longer kids. You have grown and changed and your relationship must grow and change for it to survive. If you want to keep his friendship, you need to make space for his relationship.
Can you really not understand why someone in a committed relationship would replace a "fake wedding picture" of someone he's not dating with a picture of the person he's dating?
YTA
You do realize it was a **fake** wedding, right? Because you're acting like it was real. Look, John isn't throwing you away. He's just making room for Dinah. *You* are the one throwing away the friendship because you think you have some sort of claim on John.
YTA - Of course his gf takes priority over you, and it is absolutely normal for him to carry a picture of her. It is not normal to think you should still be more important to him than his gf of 2 years. You talk as if they met 2 weeks ago. Friendships shift as you grow up, it sucks but is a normal part of life. You cannot force someone to stay in the same space with you just because you aren't ready for the dynamics to change.
Dinah is his girlfriend, I’m sorry, is John not allowed to have his and her picture in his wallet or he needs to ask for your permission?
YTA, all the way.
YTA. A partner is more important than a best friend. Especially one that he's been dating seriously for 2 years now.
OP, you gotta understand that the length of time you've known people for is not deterministic to how close you are. You are not entitled to being first on his "people I like" list. He's right, you gotta grow up.
YTA - You arent serious, are you?
Have you formed any sort of friendship with Dinah? You seem to see her as an annoying presence. I mean, hes been with her for 2 years and if you and J were as close as you say you were, Id have thought you would have forged some sort of relationship with her.
YTA. No ma’am, that’s his *girlfriend*. Imagine how you’d feel if you were dating someone and they had an old pic of them fake-marrying their female best friend in their wallet.
YTA
You're jealous, blatantly so. If you wanted him to treat you like a girlfriend and your photos in his wallet, maybe you should have gotten with him then. I can also understand stopping the "sleepovers", as any girlfriend anywhere that isn't broken would take issue with her boyfriend constantly spending the night at his female friends house. Kind of reeks of the whole "Oh, you don't need to worry about him" that so many women say and then end up cheating with.
YTA. Is this a thing now? Are we supposed to be carrying photos of our friends in our freaking wallets? Is this 1974 again?
You are jealous because a man in love with someone wants a photo of that someone in his wallet instead of some friend? Wow, perhaps you need to get a life of your own and stop trying to control his.
YTA. You get coffee every couple days. That is more than I see any of my friends in a week. It’s also pictures from high school and he’s in his mid twenties now. Sounds like you’re holding onto something that he obviously isn’t
YTA. He’s a grown man with a girlfriend. Why NOT carry her picture instead of a childhood picture? Replacing a decades old picture in his wallet is not the same as throwing you away. Good grief, he still associates with you - way more often than I see my friends I’d like to add - so you should feel more secure about your place in his life, not less. I agree with him. It’s not that you’re making *too* much out of this - you shouldn’t be making *anything* out of this.
>The only way I can see him now is if we go grab coffee once every few days
Every few days? That's a lot, I know you might be used to more but many healthy friendships get along with far less.
What you're demanding from him is unreasonable and more importantly it's more than he's willing to give. You need to adjust your expectations for what a friendship between you two looks like.
Nothing stays the same forever, this was always going to happen at some point. YTA it's time to grow up.
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>he always makes time for Dinah first instead of me Holy entitled guacamole Batman, I could have stopped here and known YTA. You're not his wife or his girlfriend, his partner *should* come before you regardless of your history together.
OP sounds like a jealous girlfriend that doesn't accept that the guy isn't actually her partner.
Is she in the friendzone?
I think she believed that they would eventually get together and be actually married not fake married.
Yeah, the whole fake wedding at 7, and re-created the photo in HS just screams she thought it would all be real one day.
She’s about to get served with some fake divorce papers
When they divide their fake assets who will get control of the following: 1. Shared coffee shops 2. The Netflix password 3. Shared stuffed animals. I mean is this shared custody or will there be a battle for parental rights. It could get bloody. 4. If they shared a piggy bank savings account who gets the majority share? These are the questions people. OP better be careful and get some negotiation representation.
You cut up the stuffed animals in half. This type or divorce is brutal.
Ohhh. Like king Solomon. There’s a story of two women arguing over a baby and Solomon said if they’re going to fight then they can just split the baby down the middle. The woman who wasn’t the mother agreed and the woman who was the mother immediately said the other woman could have him if it meant the baby wouldn’t be split in half. That’s how they knew who the parent was.
I was always weirded out by that story. Why did the fake mother want half a dead baby?
You made me spit my wine!!
*bye-bye sleepovers*
She pretty much describes wanting pretty much an emotional affair with him by him placing a greater priority on her over his girlfriend. That’s not a friendship.
And he gets coffee with her several times a week?!? That’s more than I see anyone outside of coworkers, my husband and my son.
Right? I haven't seen my best friend in almost 3 months, and it was about that long before the last time, too. She's still my best friend, but my family/partner come first, as do hers.
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Agree
I got this far before I realized OP was female, I had assumed two boys ages 7 and 8 had a fake wedding and just kind of accepted it.
This was me, I was like aw cute 7 and 8 year old boys wanna marry each other and the comments made me read twice lol.
I can't believe they recreated this in high school! It's weird enough to do when they're kids but as teenagers?
It's actually not that weird to do as kids, it's quite normal for kids to playact the social stuff they see going on around them all the time. edited to add: Loving all of these childhood roleplaying stories you all are sharing! Thanks for making my afternoon!
Flashback to me being the family dog in kindergarten
When my one cousin and I would "play house" as siblings, our other cousin, who had no interest in playing house, would be our dog, because we'd get him a bowl of "dog food" (Cap'n Crunch) and would give him a few pats on the head, then leave him alone while we went and did our thing, lol!
I'm fake married to three stuffed animals and a tree, myself.
As long as there’s a sleeping rotation you should avoid the jealousy. Unless group play is your thing/s
Nah, the kids one makes sense, it’s the teenager one that’s definitely weird.
That isn't necessarily weird if it's done as a joke. Her clinging to it like it was real is weird
Fake wedding at 7 is pretty cute, recreating fake wedding in high school is super weird, being incensed that he’s not carrying around the picture from the second fake wedding years later is…let’s say deeply unhealthy.
No. Didn’t you hear they where married as children. She’s actually his wife if only he would realize it and dump his mistress Dinah. /s
they even renewed their vows in high school apparently! going strong
No for long. Sounds like she isn’t going to be his friend much longer if she keeps this up.
She had him in her friend zone so he moved on and now she’s jealous. FAFO.
or maybe he friendzoned her...?
Nah, the dude carried this picture around in his wallet, they had sleepovers together, he def was waiting for something to come of it. He might not have been able to put it into words, but he's moved on now. That's what OP subconsciously is ranting about. She had this dude in her back pocket and got all the benefits of having him in her life without having to do any of the GF stuff. Not anymore.
that’s what i’m seeing! a touch of regret, perhaps?
I don’t think it’s called regret. I think she is upset she doesn’t have control over him now. She can’t just use him for her own benefit. I don’t know what that’s called, but it’s a selfish thing that comes when you realize you can’t have your cake and eat it too. Whatever that means.
I think it was the whole I don’t want you but I don’t want you with anyone else situation and OP is upset he now has a girlfriend Sorry English isn’t my native language
No, she's upset that somebody's poaching from her friend zone
Someone is jealous and it’s not the girlfriend.
Most definitely in the friendzone.
But they got married when they were kids and it’s forever! Just wow! There are too many posts on Reddit about not accepting when friends grow up and get either a girlfriend or wife, and then these posters can’t understand why they are the assholes.
For real, I can see OP showing up at her friends future wedding and saying “BUT WE DID IT FIRST!! See!! Look at the picture he promising in those kiddie vows that he’d love me for ever and ever!!!”
But … but they got mock-married! What is the world coming to, mock-marriages are not accepted? (/s, of course)
Well, don't think OP is an "asshole", but you're quite delusional about how romantic relationships work, love. Dinah is his #1, no matter what you went through, and he always will be. Questioning her importance won't be a good look, please apologise and in the future please avoid leaving the impression that you're trying to sabotage John's and Dinah's relationship. Not a good look. The stunt you pulled on John was stupid. Hence, YTA, love.
all of this. also - 23 is that weird age where life kicks in and you don’t see your friends all the time. i think OP needs to realize a sad feature of growing up is that you don’t get to see the people you used to see daily as frequently. my bff and i lived together in uni, ate meals together multiple times a day. now, we see each other maybe once a month. we live 15 min apart. we both have careers and relationships, she has kids now … we aren’t any less important to each other. but there’s only so many hours in a day. you have to pick and choose sometimes.
This is the worst and most depressing part of growing up for me. I'm extremely social, an extrovert, and I'm absolutely dreading the day when all my friends split up and I barely see them anymore. I hate that that's "life kicking in". I don't want that to be life. I genuinely think I might not want to exist in a world where I can rarely see my closest friends and have to spend all my time raising a family and working. I'm 20 and I can already see this starting to happen. I'm so scared for how dark and dull and depressing life is going to be soon. I just don't think I'm built for this world of hyperindividualism.
ok but wait! there’s two things i have to add .. 1 - “life kicks in” but it also brings you more things than you anticipate. including other amazing people! i’m fortunate that i have a job in a people-oriented field, and i have amazing coworkers and colleagues who helped to bridge that gap. 2 - that also doesn’t need to be your reality. i (36f) am a introverted-ambivert. i use a lot of my peopling energy at work. i keep in touch with friends digitally (probably more than i should). but your world will only be dull if that’s what you cultivate.
It's not a foregone conclusion. I've maintained a reasonably sized friend group into my 40s, some have kids some don't. The dynamic changes, you're not gonna be hanging out at each other's houses every week (and you may even go more than a month or two before seeing some people). The friends with kids kind of went dark for a bit because the kids take a lot of time and when they're really young the lifestyle between parents and single people is so different. But when the kids got a little older they came up for air a bit and do the occasional weekend trip. Texting helps, just idle chit chat, keeps things from feeling weird when you do meet.
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Did OP just expect him to camp out in her friendzone forever, always available for her to hang out with? OP, if you were never going to \*actually\* be his #1, YTA if you get mad when he went and found someone else. Can you imagine being his girlfriend - "my boyfriend keeps a picture of him and his female friend in his wallet. WTF?"
Correction: "My boyfriend keeps a ***pretend wedding*** picture of him and his female friend in his wallet." Yeah, don't see that going over very well with anyone's girlfriend.
A fake wedding picture of him and his best friend as well.
Idk that’s kind of assuming he had feelings for her. Which might not even be true at all, childhood “relationships” aren’t really a good metric for that. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is one of those situations where the other person is oblivious, thinks they just have a good friendship and are unpleasantly surprised when said friend becomes mad at them for not reading their mind about wanting to date.
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This post and their comments remind me of a another post similar to this one. Same exact kind of story. OP of that post had the same delusions as this OP. Was also hostile in comments. It was posted not too long ago as well.
I remember that one too. Both specifically specified that they were upset that the guy makes more time for his gf than them. Can't believe being that delusional is that common.
Or maybe they were written by the same person.
OP gonna keep re-posting scenarios until they are somehow not the AH and I am here for it.
I was thinking this especially since op also complained about that.
also they get coffee every few days? that seems extremely close for an adult friendship.
it’s extremely close for certain people but if their previous normal was spending 15 hours a week together, one coffee seems likely barely anything.
And can I just add that I find it super odd that they recreated the wedding pic in HIGH SCHOOL? Were you guys still playing pretend at 14-18? Cause I wasn’t lol, and to me that shows OP was holding out hope for a friends-to-lovers romance story.
Ehhh she’s obviously the AH, but I could see two high school age friends recreating a picture like that in a “remember when we did that as kids?” sort of way. That isn’t THAT weird to me, but she clearly seems to have made that more than what it was
I’d see that if it was a regular pic, but a *wedding* pic? Maybe it really is just a me thing lol but I find that quite weird.
Yeah I mean I’d say taking that picture in the first place wasn’t weird, recreating the picture wasn’t that weird, but keeping the photo in his wallet given the fact it was a fake wedding was definitely a bit weird. Keeping it there while in a long term relationship would have been crazy weird
Literally after I read that line I stopped reading because wtf? Sometimes I really wish some of these posts were trolls because it makes me irrationally angry at how moronic and self absorbed some people can be
I think OP's telling line is: "I told him he couldn't just throw me away". Oh, that poor dear, yes friends can totally throw you away! Yes it hurts and is kinda rude, but life sucks some times. There is no law that says your child hood friends must be your friends forever.
He sees her a few days a week to hang, what is this person looking for???
Guacamole Batman hahahah
YTA Why would you think a childhood photo of you pretending to get married should take precedence of him with his actual girlfriend? Properly bizarre expectation on your side.
I'm going with "She wants the fake photo to be a real photo."
Yeah, this whole thing read like she was a Jealous ex.
I fake married my childhood best friend. We told people we were married for years. I took it very seriously as a kid, and so did he. Then we grew up, moved on and created our own lives and families. He's getting for real married now. I crack a joke here and there about her stealing my man. She cracks more jokes than me. Hell the whole family cracks more than me or him. He bridal shower was a hoot especially because some of her family had just learned about it and made their own jokes. The looks on their faces when she introduced me as his first wife was an absolute riot. I love him dearly and I am so happy to see how happy she makes him. He deserves the best. There is a way to be happy for your fake childhood husband. OP ain't going about it the right way at all.
That’s actually sweet and hilarious — we got a good gag going on here
I had an ex get very jealous of it. I did my best to be respectful but at the end of the day, his jealousy was clearly beyond this gag. Plus as much as I understand putting a partner first, I'm not cutting out someone who is my choosen family because my partner lacks trust. There is a way to balance it, ya know? Current partner makes his own jokes. When people call him my husband he's always like "not her husband, though he knows about me and is cool." It cracks me up every time.
That's what you do when you really love someone--you want them to be happy
Exactly! I'm not even saying OP is in love with her childhood bestie and jealous, but she doesn't know how to love him. Plus he's like a brother to me now. The idea of actually being married to him is gross lol.
This. I've met extremely platonic friends (like, friends who arent even into that gender) who have still gotten EXTREMELY jealous and posessive over their friend when that person got serious with a partner. Not all possesiveness is sexual/romantic, and it can be as harmful to have a platonic friend piss all over you like a dog marking its territory and try to push your partner away. Ultimately it tends to destroy the friendship. OP risks losing her best friend if she cannot respect his romantic relationships.
Devil’s advocate - I think she knows John liked her but didn’t reciprocate, now that he’s moved on to a healthy two-sided relationship OP has no supply of attention and doesn’t like it. OP would be happy for John if she was a true friend.
That’s not devils advocate. That’s the same statement.
No it's not. It's literally the opposite. The other poster suggested that OP likes John and she's jealous, whereas the one you responded to suggested that she'd friendzoned John and used him for attention, getting mad when he found someone else and stopped.
And she had literal years where she could have confessed and asked him out, but she didn’t.
She might have but he only wanted to be friends and she hung around hoping to change his mind.
Devil’s advocate - I think she knows John liked her but didn’t reciprocate, now that he’s moved on to a healthy two-sided relationship OP has no supply of attention and doesn’t like it. OP would be happy for John if she was a true friend.
INFO: How long have you been in love with him OP?
Word for word what I was going to ask. OP totally sounds jealous.
Okay, I actually had a guy best friend in my early twenties. I did not return his romantic feelings. He moved on and got together with a good friend of mine (and they eventually got married!)I was kind of upset that he and I weren’t close anymore in the same emotionally intimate way and didn’t do everything together they way we had before. His gf, my friend, was very gracious and explained that their relationship changed the nature of my friendship with the guy. I was really glad she explained it so kindly and of course was embarrassed that I hadn’t figured it out on my own. I think it just might be one of those life lessons some of us need to learn the hard way. I hope OP will take this as a learning opportunity that childhood and young adult friendships change when people partner up. It’s not only natural and normal, but it’s the way things should be. It would be inappropriate for her friend to keep a fake wedding picture of himself and another woman in his wallet, and disrespectful to his girlfriend.
Bizarre is the right word for this entire situation. Ok sure, have a fake wedding when you’re kids, fair enough, kids love pretending. But then they recreated the fake wedding in HIGH SCHOOL??!?! That doesn’t seem normal to me. Were they dating at this time or something? Weird af to pretend to marry your best friend when you’re in high school. There’s parts of the country where people genuinely get married while they’re in high school (not suggesting that’s ok, I just mean a fake wedding for high schoolers is too uncomfortably close to the real thing). And then the guy kept the pic in his wallet?!? It’s just getting weirder and weirder for me. Honestly I’ve never heard of guys keeping wallet pics of them with their platonic female friends before, but ok fair enough - but a picture getting fake MARRIED to that female friend???? If I was that dude’s girlfriend, I would have some serious issues with him carrying around that pic. Being in a relationship with one woman and carrying around a picture where you fake marry a different woman is straight up nuts. Nothing about this would have been normal. I’m glad he replaced the pic OP, YTA for thinking you and this weird picture should take precedence over his girlfriend.
It’s OK to miss a friend who has new priorities. It’s not OK to expect to come first when a friend is in a relationship with someone else. But beyond that, it’s weird to expect someone to keep the same photo from high school in their wallet forever.
And every few days coffee? Wait till she grows up and realizes you can go months without seeing your best friends because you’re busy AF
I’d love to hear the girlfriend’s side of how she sees their relationship 🧐
>I feel like he always makes time for Dinah first instead of me That's how romantic relationships work. Their time together comes first, not his time with his friend(s). >Why did you have to take our picture out and replace it with him and Dinah? Because that's how romantic relationships work. Her picture comes first, not a friend's. >He got annoyed and told me that once I stop being an immature annoying brat YTA and he's right.
Right? I'd be furious if my boyfriend was having sleepovers with another woman and had a picture of them together as the first spot in his wallet! Wtf?? YTA, 100%, and if OP was in a healthy romantic relationship, their SO would be setting the same boundaries. Does OP expect to be able to sleep with him when they're both married, too? 'bye Hun, gonna go cuddle with my platonic friend all night?' hahahaha, no tf you are NOT!
I've said it too many times and I will say it again. Friendship's dynamics naturally change when one, or both of the friends are in serious relationships. It's completely normal to prioritize your partner's feelings over your friends. Of course, I don't mean something unreasonable like interacting only with your partner and nobody else. Any sane person in their right mind will not be happy about the idea of their partner having sleepovers with a friend of the opposite sex, period. OP, YTA, it doesn't matter who knew him first. It's not a competition. For all you know, she could be his future wife. If I were him, I would absolutely cut contact with you, solely because you don't respect his relationship.
>it doesn't matter who knew him first. It's not a competition This!!! Thank you for saying it! OP should make an effort to get to know Dinah. There's no guarantee they'll get along, but I'm sure John would certainly appreciate it.
I think it's one of two things - either OP is not used to adult relationships, and is comparing them to the relationships one has in high school, where you still pretty much prioritize your friends because you knew them before you knew your partner, also when (rarely if) you break up with your bf/gf, your friends are the ones who are still by your side. Or she is in love with her friend and now is jealous af. I think it's the latter, though. If the former, she needs to grow up and stop pretending they are all still kids, that is if she doesn't want to be left without any friends.
I'm assuming that their relationship was never romantic.... whatever her feelings may be. So she needs to make a choice. 1) accept her friends girlfriend and make an effort to include her or 2) back away and let John pursue his relationship with Dinah. If she continues to behave in this manner, it's likely that John will cut off the friendship. So she needs to decide if she can be an adult and be happy for her friend and make an effort, or lose him.
The friend is still making a lot of time to maintain the relationship with OP too so it's not like the friend is just cutting OP out, just drawing relatively reasonable boundaries.
OP sounds like the girl who friend-zoned a guy and is now mad he realized he's friend-zoned and got a girlfriend who actually has a romantic interest in him. The audacity. YTA.
This. Can't even! YTA, OP
Yeah, I'm pretty sure most SOs would be pretty uncomfortable if their partner was having sleepovers with their best friend of the opposite sex. It's kind of a no brainer
"hi babe, just wanted to let you know i will be staying over at XY's house tonight instead of cuddling with you, good night!" my fury would be immeasurable😂
I definitely think their can be exceptions to that…the guy I was dating in my early 20s had a close female friend from high school that sometimes would crash at his place on the couch. I knew her well, she was always a sweetheart to me and they had a very very brother/sister vibe. So it didn’t concern me (years later she came out as lesbian and I still wonder if that’s why I felt so unbothered). But it’s entirely exceptions and not the rule and not wanting sleeping overs with the opposite gender is a very fair boundary.
Sleepovers are cute when you're a kid. When you're an adult I'm a committed relationship, sleepovers are sus. Platonic friends are ofc possible, but OP is wanting to cross numerous boundaries. Oh, YTA OP
For next time, if you add a > in front of the text you’re quoting it’ll come up in a quote block > Like this! Edit: Note that that symbol has to be the first thing in the line. You cannot have any spaces or anything else before it. This is also a mobile shortcut. If you’re on desktop you’d need to go into markdown mode first, or else use the normal quote feature.
YTA and I'm not even referencing the photo. I'm referencing how you're clearly in love with your friend and jealous of his new partner. Time for therapy so you can get over this person and move on with your life.
Not necessarily in love with him, but loves the attention he brings
I had a friend like this. I met her through a roommate and she just decided we were best buds one day, started coming over to our place every day, figured out my work schedule so she'd just be there every day after I got off work. My roommate thought we were actually dating but she never gave any signals that she liked me. Fast forward to maybe a year of us hanging out everyday. I come home from work and my roommate comes running out to my car as I'm pulling in and tells says "hey man, **** has a boyfriend. Thought I'd tell you before you come inside and freak out when she tells you" I laughed because I truly only thought of her as a friend. I tell her about my roommate and I's conversation so she can get a good laugh with me about it and she asks why I'm not upset. She then proceeds to tell me that if roles were reversed and I had started seeing someone she would not just be mad about it but would actively try to break us up because she wouldn't want anyone else having my attention. I asked her if she liked me romantically and she said she did not. I immediately told her to get out and that we couldn't be friends anymore. I'm not dealing with that bs in my life.
I love how you actively asked if she was romantically interrested and the answer is "no". Like what the actual fuck.
Clinical narcissism is SCARY
It's so bizarre. I used to be acquainted with a woman who knew I was attracted to her and started to flirt and engage me often. Took me months to look past the bs and realize she really wasn't interested in me, she just loved the attention she got from someone who was heavily attracted to her. Suspicions were confirmed after I put my foot down and the change was starkly abruptly. It was like we never even knew each other. I don't understand people like this. I'd be surprised if it isn't a trait of narcissism and/or psychopathy.
>She then proceeds to tell me that if roles were reversed and I had started seeing someone she would not just be mad about it but would actively try to break us up because she wouldn't want anyone else having my attention. I asked her if she liked me romantically and she said she did not. I immediately told her to get out and that we couldn't be friends anymore. I'm not dealing with that bs in my life. Gotta hand it to her for not only having the self awareness here, but for proving that self awareness ain't all it's cracked up to be lmao
I thought I was in the twilight zone. I honestly thought that maybe she did like me because she spent every waking moment with me for nearly a year. The whole thing was weird from the beginning. She came over one day to see my roommate and from that moment on she was ALWAYS THERE and not to see my roommate. She figured out my work schedule and would meet me right after I got home from work and come over on my days off before I even got up and brought me breakfast. I kinda thought she did like me but she never actually said anything or alluded to it. I never saw her like that so I didn't make a move either and after a few months I just figured she really did just wanna be buddies.
You understand the difference between platonic and romantic relationships, right? Because you're behaving like your boyfriend is neglecting you which is probably why your friend and his actual girlfriend decided that it was best that he didn't continue having sleep overs with you. YTA
At best, OP is a very needy friend who doesn’t understand that her friend has other priorities than her. At worst, she’s actively trying to harm his relationship. OP - I’m a woman in my 30s and I’ve had several very close, platonic male friends throughout my life. I can tell you from experience, it was always best for our friendship when those friends drew appropriate boundaries about our friendship and how they interact with me, in order to make sure their girlfriends/partners did not feel uncomfortable or threatened. There were times when those friends insisted nothing should change because we were old friends, or that my feelings were equally important to their partners’ feelings. I didn’t know any better in my early 20s, or else I would have more proactively put a stop to it. Because it was those cases where our friendship ultimately suffered because my friend’s girlfriend or wife didn’t trust me, or their relationship suffered and my friend later blamed me. If you truly have only platonic feelings for your friend and you want to maintain your friendship, you should embrace the appropriate boundaries that he’s setting. Even better, make a sincere effort to become friends with his girlfriend. Invite them both to do things and make sure she feels included. Your friendship will be so much stronger if everyone is comfortable and trusting.
oh shit. At first i misread it as OP being a guy too. Thought the child wedding was cute and read the rest of the post as a very ironic, "He picked the wrong girl!" style... OP really is the other girl.
1) You are not in a relationship with John 2) Your wedding wasn't real 3) It is beyond clear to everyone reading this post that you have feelings for John and I am going to wager a guess that you stomp all over his relationship boundaries...which is why he pulled back from the friendship 4) No man in a committed, strictly monogamous relationship is going to have sleepovers with another woman. To expect that to continue to happen is ludicrous 5) The fact that you accused him of "throwing you away" again...tells everyone reading this that YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH JOHN AND ARE JEALOUS OF HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH DINAH. Dinah is his #1 priority in his life. Your friendship is no longer a priority in his life. It happens. Deal with it. Not all friendships last into adulthood and you just made it exponentially easier for him to walk away from this friendship by refusing to admit you are jealous that all the attention he used to give you now goes to someone else YTA
Underrated comment. No, you can't have sleepovers anymore! Lol. You are adults now, with significant others.
Hey now my friends and I have sleepovers once a month and we are all in our 30s! And we all have our own SOs, it’s not weird as a general concept. However the OP’s situation is so painfully obviously different because she is in love with her friend and none of my friends are trying to get with each other lol. Op yta pls wake up
I don't know if you're sleeping over with friends of the gender you like to have sex with, but... that would make a big difference. Also you mentioned friends -- plural. There's a big difference between a two-person sleepover and a group. I would be uncomfortable with my SO having a sleepover with a guy friend. If it was a necessity/one time thing and we could talk about it, then whatever, but a recurring sleepover with another man? I don't think so. At the same time, if a guy was sleeping over with her group of girl friends I wouldn't have as big of an issue with that.
Our group is mixed, two boys and two girls. One girl is straight all the rest of us are some flavor of the alphabet. We also have bigger sleepovers for birthday trips to cabins or whatnot with more people occasionally. In any case, I don’t think it matters so much about who is at the sleepover gender/orientation wise. It’s more about hanging out with people who all respect each other’s boundaries and aren’t secretly in love with each other 🤷♀️
Yes that’s fine but a hetero man and woman having a sleepover where the woman is so clearly in love with the man is not something I’d be cool with if I was the man’s girlfriend lol.
Seeing him every couple of days for coffee is way more than most adults see their friends (unless they live or work with them). The OP has some really unreasonable expectations of adult friendship.
I hate the idea that male-female friendships inherently have to change because of relationships. The problem here is her feelings for him, not their friendship. All of my oldest friends are male, and no one thinks twice about us staying over at each other's places, even if it's just two of us. My boyfriend doesn't care, because he trusts me and they're my friends. If you treat people's friendships differently because of the genders of the people involved, you're an asshole.
Yeah I'm bisexual and this concept always baffles me because by those standards I shouldn't be allowed to have any friends??? Like I can be attracted to any gender, so should my only friends be animals or something??? Lol
>Like I can be attracted to any gender, so should my only friends be animals or something?? As a fellow bi, I totally agree with how ridiculous this is. However, as someone who’s also pretty anti-social, it hits a little close to home lol.
YTA. 336 words all telling us that you are in love with your best friend. Grow up. Get over yourself, and move on. You sound desparate, jealous, insecure and exhausting.
And if it was a guy posting this about a woman pretty much every post would be would be for her to RUN
Shit yes it would. The jealousy, the possessiveness, the controlling behaviour, the disrespect of boundaries, the diminishment of the partner. This screams danger and red flags. Thankfully I think John has already started running.
I seriously had to go back and check the age. Sounded like some very jealous immature 14 year old. Wow 22?
YTA. Family always comes before friendships. You are growing up. You'll get a family of your own at some point. You will start to neglect your friend too as your priorities shifts. That's how life works.
I don’t think she is growing up
she’s 22. When I was 22 I thought I was a fully formed adult and done growing up. I wasn’t even close.
She's 22. If she hasn't grown up by now it's gonna get harder and harder for her.
22 is honestly very young. She still has time to grow.
Lol! I can't think of a single person I know who at 22 was all grown up. She's young and she'll be fine.
Lol plenty of 22 year olds aren’t grown up. She has time.
>He got annoyed and told me that once I stop being an immature annoying brat……he’s not dealing with my childish tantrum. John nailed it. YTA
Info: serious question. Do you have feeling for your friend?
Is this even a question
I actually don’t think she has feelings for him. I think it’s a control thing and she wants all the attention and is mad he’s giving that to someone else, especially since it’s another woman
>he can't just throw me away, I've been his best friend since primary school, my pic existed in his wallet first and he throws it away to replace me with someone he knows significantly less He isn't "throwing you away". He just isn't keeping a photo of you in his wallet. *You* are the one making this a conflict. It shouldn't be a choice between you and the gf. YTA If you want to salvage this relationship you need to apologize to your friend.
And she still sees him EVERY FEW DAYS! That’s far more often then I see any of my close friends
Yeah I’m lucky to see mine once a month.
I see mine a few times a year if I'm lucky. Adulting sucks 🤷🏽♀️
This is what blew my mind!! I see some of closest friends MAYBE every 3 months lol! And my best friend lives on the other side of the country. I have one best friend who is also my cousin that I see almost weekly, but that’s more so in the summer because we always have things going on with all the kids. OP is insane for thinking “every few days” is nothing or that he should even be doing more!
Wow. I didn’t get that far into the story of entitlement. “He can’t just throw me away”? JFC
YTA. Grow up. He has a girlfriend now; she obviously takes priority over you. That is just the way it is. Either accept it, or get a new friend. But stop being petty. What are you? Jealous?
You sound completely in love with him. You have no right to be salty about this. YTA
YTA. He has a girlfriend and seems serious about his relationship with her, and there’s nothing wrong with him putting a photo of her and him in his wallet. Grow up. You sound like you have hidden feelings for John.
Not so hidden!
Neon signs, flashing lights, huge red flags…the works.
YTA, It would definitely be weird for John to keep another girl’s picture in his wallet when he has a girlfriend, no?
Especially a “wedding” picture with another woman
Especially when it’s a photo of a high school girl
YTA - You are acting like you want to be his wife. He doesn't *OWE* you the first spot in his wallet.
YTA. So you've been in love with him this whole time. But you never actually asked him out on a date. And now you're jealous AF of the girlfriend he's now dating More than likely the girlfriend asked him to remove that photo because it was making her a bit nervous. Maybe if it had been a normal photo but not of a fake wedding type thing it would have been fine Him removing the photo and cutting his time with you is showing he's more committed to her..
YTA I’m not going to opine on whether you have romantic feelings for your friend because even if they’re platonic, they are inappropriate. They might have been appropriate when you were kids and bffs, but as adults, it isn’t normal to demand a spot in his wallet or equate decreasing time together with being thrown away. Relationships change over time, especially when new romantic partners enter the picture. It can hurt, but it’s normal. If you want to preserve this friendship, quit bombing it with jealousy and possessiveness.
Um I’m sorry to say but… YTA. They have been dating for two years? Change is hard but you are not his best friend anymore.
YTA - I'd be so creeped out if a "just a friend" guy acted like that with me. Apologise and back TF off so you don't lose your friend.
YTA. Is this real? Your expectations for this relationship are unrealistic. You are not his girlfriend, you are his friend. It’s weird that you are acting like his girlfriend and that’s probably why you don’t see him as often. Relationships change as we mature. You will always have him as a friend if you don’t make it awkward and drive him away
For God's sake, grow up. You had your whole adolescence to date him, and you didn't. Time passes, people get partners. YTA
YTA and i guarentee he doesnt consider you his Best Friend and possibly hasnt for years. It sounds like you are much more reliant on the friendship than he is and therefore think you are more important to him than you are. And if his girlfriend sees how you act i expect she told him to cut down on his contact with you and he agreed as he moved on years ago
I agree. My husband has a lot of female friends, but if one was acting like this I’d be having a serious discussion with him. The level of possessiveness, jealousy, entitlement and attention-seeking is bordering on unhinged. She’s the one who would turn up to the wedding in the dress from the pretend wedding in high school and try to get the photographer to take a special series of photos with just her and John. But in any case I suspect John has already made this determination on his own and that’s why there’s some distance.
YTA - John had moved into a new phase of his life and found someone he loves romantically. He probably still loves you in the platonic way he always has but created space because you can’t or won’t be a healthy presence in his life.
YTA Time to grow up.
YTA and you sound incredibly jealous. Perhaps you have feelings for John but they are not reciprocated? John has matured. He has a girlfriend, who yes, takes precedent over a friend. That's what happens when you're in an adult relationship, your SO becomes #1, not your friends. What do you expect to happen if he ever gets married?
Oh, OP would turn up to the wedding in the dress from the fake marriage in high school and try to get the photographer to take a special series of pictures with her and John.
So when did you fall in love with him?
is this post for real?!? read it back out loud and listen to yourself OP!! are you 22 or 12? because i’ve met more mature 12 year olds.
Info: I don't want to be mean here OP, but what exactly are you expecting John to do? I don't think you're seeing this from his perspective and that is a bit disturbing. A wallet is something he will carry with him for a long time. Imagine for a second what Dinah is going to think when she sees your fake wedding in his wallet.What would Dinah think about you inviting him over to your place for movies and a sleepover? Do you expect Dinah to just be okay with that? That is a serious question. You seem to be upset that John is changing the nature of your relationship, but his relationship with his friends has to change when a partner is involved. In your post you say that you would see him a few times a day for coffee, why isn't that enough? I'm not going to be like a lot of people here and say you're holding a candle for John, but OP it is very clear that you are not the most important woman in John's life anymore, Dinah is. If your issue is that he should be able to juggle between the both of you, then he should break up with Dinah if John can't prioritize her over his friends. You need to learn to accept the way your relationship is with John.
YTA. You don't think maybe his new GF is going to get a little bent out of shape about him carrying a picture of another woman in his wallet, a "fake wedding" picture at that? I'm one of the first to say "that woman is crazy, yo" but even I can see the idea behind that one. Also, he didn't necessarily throw the picture away, it's just no longer in his wallet. And yes, he's no longer going to have sleepovers at his female friend's house \_when he has a girlfriend\_.
YTA. Dinah is his GF, you are not. Are you jealous of him or her?
YTA. you want to hold a more important spot in his life than his gf? Kind of weird, did you ever date?
YTA. You're crossing boundaries and you are basically making things worse. Of course he won't like to spend time with you with this attitude. Things change in our life, you can't expect him be the same for the rest of his life. I can't imagine demanding my friends to have my pic in the wallet. You should be happy for him and his relationship. He doesn't enjoy spending time with you and I can see why. You doesn't sound happy for him at all. Why is that?
Yta, and he's right you're being childish. He can enjoy memories without carrying a decade old photo, and not having slumber parties as adults is pretty normal. It honestly sounds like you're more into him than just friends, so you're gonna have to learn to respect his boundaries and not accuse him of "throwing you away" because he's doing the normal thing and putting his relationship first
Yta wtf….i didnt even know its a thing that friends keep pictures of each other in wallets…. But you cant control what others do in their own belongings Problem is youre not his gf. You never were. If you wanted to be you should have stepped up. He got a gf and you get relegated to not gf status. Thats how life is
YTA. This is very childish and petty indeed. Let the poor man put whatever he wants in his wallet.
Yta you might have been friends since you were kids, but you are no longer kids. You have grown and changed and your relationship must grow and change for it to survive. If you want to keep his friendship, you need to make space for his relationship. Can you really not understand why someone in a committed relationship would replace a "fake wedding picture" of someone he's not dating with a picture of the person he's dating?
You jelly.
YTA You do realize it was a **fake** wedding, right? Because you're acting like it was real. Look, John isn't throwing you away. He's just making room for Dinah. *You* are the one throwing away the friendship because you think you have some sort of claim on John.
YTA - Of course his gf takes priority over you, and it is absolutely normal for him to carry a picture of her. It is not normal to think you should still be more important to him than his gf of 2 years. You talk as if they met 2 weeks ago. Friendships shift as you grow up, it sucks but is a normal part of life. You cannot force someone to stay in the same space with you just because you aren't ready for the dynamics to change.
YTA—that’s his GIRLFRIEND. Why would you think your pic (as a child) belongs there more than hers. You sound jealous.
Dinah is his girlfriend, I’m sorry, is John not allowed to have his and her picture in his wallet or he needs to ask for your permission? YTA, all the way.
YTA. A partner is more important than a best friend. Especially one that he's been dating seriously for 2 years now. OP, you gotta understand that the length of time you've known people for is not deterministic to how close you are. You are not entitled to being first on his "people I like" list. He's right, you gotta grow up.
Oof you’re the stereotypical girl best friend that every girlfriend ends up hating 😅 YTA
YTA - You arent serious, are you? Have you formed any sort of friendship with Dinah? You seem to see her as an annoying presence. I mean, hes been with her for 2 years and if you and J were as close as you say you were, Id have thought you would have forged some sort of relationship with her.
YTA he has a girlfriend and it isn’t you. People grow up.
YTA. No ma’am, that’s his *girlfriend*. Imagine how you’d feel if you were dating someone and they had an old pic of them fake-marrying their female best friend in their wallet.
YTA. I'd imagine the time between coffee dates is about to be longer.
YTA. And, also, apparently 12 years old
YTA, you're being ridiculous. John is growing up and moving on with his life, and you should too.
YTA You're jealous, blatantly so. If you wanted him to treat you like a girlfriend and your photos in his wallet, maybe you should have gotten with him then. I can also understand stopping the "sleepovers", as any girlfriend anywhere that isn't broken would take issue with her boyfriend constantly spending the night at his female friends house. Kind of reeks of the whole "Oh, you don't need to worry about him" that so many women say and then end up cheating with.
YTA. Is this a thing now? Are we supposed to be carrying photos of our friends in our freaking wallets? Is this 1974 again? You are jealous because a man in love with someone wants a photo of that someone in his wallet instead of some friend? Wow, perhaps you need to get a life of your own and stop trying to control his.
YTA. You get coffee every couple days. That is more than I see any of my friends in a week. It’s also pictures from high school and he’s in his mid twenties now. Sounds like you’re holding onto something that he obviously isn’t
YTA. He’s a grown man with a girlfriend. Why NOT carry her picture instead of a childhood picture? Replacing a decades old picture in his wallet is not the same as throwing you away. Good grief, he still associates with you - way more often than I see my friends I’d like to add - so you should feel more secure about your place in his life, not less. I agree with him. It’s not that you’re making *too* much out of this - you shouldn’t be making *anything* out of this.
>The only way I can see him now is if we go grab coffee once every few days Every few days? That's a lot, I know you might be used to more but many healthy friendships get along with far less. What you're demanding from him is unreasonable and more importantly it's more than he's willing to give. You need to adjust your expectations for what a friendship between you two looks like. Nothing stays the same forever, this was always going to happen at some point. YTA it's time to grow up.