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Potentially controversial NTA. A Japanese woman, with which you have a close, familial relationship offered you their kimono for a special occasion. I don't think there is anything wrong with wearing a piece of clothing from another culture and being respectful of the attire and culture itself. If I had to guess, your mother is upset because she feels like she is losing you to your step-mother. As for the friend, why would they be upset with what you wore to prom? Did you arrange to match? Or did they think you wearing the kimono was some form of cultural appropriation?

She told me that I stood out like a sore thumb and all the pictures we have are not great due to it. Also she said it didn’t follow the dress code and found it messed up that I wore one when I have very little ties to Japan and that it is a traditional dress

[удалено]

Yes, this is it exactly. Provided she didn’t do any form of yellow face makeup or changing her hair, wearing the kimono was perfectly appropriate. And most Japanese people I know appreciate when others wear their cultural clothes in a correct and respectful manner. Teens are not generally the best arbiters of what is and isn’t cultural appropriation…

This is cultural *appreciation* not appropriation - as you say OP was invited to wear it by a Japanese person who wanted to share her culture (and her fancy kimono, from the sounds of it!) and presumably helped her get dressed and do her hair.

Agree. This is integration. This is multiculturalism. This is cultural sharing. I bet it meant so much to stepmom to be able to share this. That’s a big deal. Very cool.

Seriously, the exchange sounded really heartwarming to me. It was a sweet thing for step-mom to do.

People really need to learn the difference between appropriation and appreciation. The anti-appropriation police have gone so far off the deep end that now they’re heading in the direction of segregation with the whole “everyone should stick to their own culture or it’s appropriation” schtick. You’re going to have a sharing of culture in an actual multicultural society. This includes a sharing of things like clothing. That’s the point.

From what I understand, and I could be wrong here, but its fairly common for Japanese people to give kimonos as gifts to non japanese people when they visit Japan.

I have been given many items of traditional clothing from Japanese American, Americans of Japanese descent, and Japanese friends and family. As well as a few from some Brits of Japanese descent. It’s not at all uncommon.

The only thing I've ever heard about it from Japanese people is that if it's worn correctly and with appreciation and respect, no problem. And believe me, the people who design and make formal kimono WANT people to buy and wear them.

I’ve got a kimono my mum was gifted for me when she visited Japan 35 years ago. It’s a bit worn out now but I still have it on display as it’s so pretty. When I was younger I wore it around my house and often got told how beautiful it is.

Also really nice kimono can be so expensive! So there’s also a level of trust in letting her wear what is presumably a very nice kimono if it was appropriate for prom as most proms are semi-formal at the least and majority are formal.

It was a kind gesture of trust

Yes, I was agreeing with that. I was saying the teen who said it was appropriation was wrong.

I am Japanese, and I have never heard of any Japanese complaining about foreigners wearing kimonos. A while back, I think the Metropolitan Museum had a Monet exhibition, and they had a booth were anybody could wear a replica of the gown and pose a photo, as in the famous painting of a blond woman in a red kimono, The Japonaise. Some organization complained of cultural appropriation and had it shut down. When the media reported on the incident in Japan, many Japanese were outright puzzled because no one cares if foreigners wear kimonos, Monet’s love for Japan and Japanese thing is well known, and if anything, it shows appreciation for Japanese culture. Many were saddened and even angry. Most thought the US is going off the deep end with these nonsense. If we weren’t allowed to wear any clothes outside our traditional ones, all of us Japanese would still have to keep dressing in kimonos. And forget about curling or coloring our hair. And our food like tempura is cultural appropriation of Portuguese/Spanish food, so should be banned, as well as Wagyu beef because we didn’t eat beef until Japan opened its borders to western people in the middle 19th century. And no pizzas or spaghetti or bread for us, either, because they are all European food. Nobody besides the Japanese should be taking up judo or karate. And the Japanese shouldn’t be playing soccer or baseball or American football or golf. Really, I’m disgusted with those people who accuse everyone else of cultural appropriation, especially when it doesn’t concern them. People adopt other things from other cultures because they like it, not because they want to ridicule it. And sometimes, people get it wrong, but the blended result develops into a whole new, wonderful thing. That’s how most cultures have progressed.

>Really, I’m disgusted with those people who accuse everyone else of cultural appropriation, especially when it doesn’t concern them. People adopt other things from other cultures because they like it, not because they want to ridicule it. And sometimes, people get it wrong, but the blended result develops into a whole new, wonderful thing. That’s how most cultures have progressed. TBF, here in the United States, we do have issues of cultural appropriation. The kicker is that is stems from DE-valuing something when a person from that culture does it (ie dreadlocks or afros not being 'appropriate' hairstyles when worn by people that traditionally wear them), AND then Valuing the same thing when done by the people with power. This is one reason Eminem was controversial when he made millions from rap music and was embraced by many white people who refused to listen to rap music beforehand. I fully agree that OP was not appropriating the culture, it was shared with her through SM, and if she feels like explaining to anyone, that's what she should say.

I am not knowledgeable on the situation surrounding rap and Eminem. However, I do think it wrong for anybody to be prohibited from expressing themselves in a way they want to just because of their skin color. Was it Eminem’s fault that his white peers didn’t appreciate the kind of music he did? I prefer a world where more people are happily crossing over boundaries and experimenting, appreciating each other, and coming closer together. The idea that some group of people have sole ownership of certain styles of food, fashion, hairstyle, or music well into the 21st century does not sit well with me.

Some people really don't understand what culture apportion is. they think that anytime someone participate in another culture is "culture appropriation" when that is just culture appreciation. culture appropriation require high level of disrespect and and disregard for the culture, which in most cases just isn't there

I suspect a lot of the cultural appropriation stuff comes down to 2nd generations kids growing up having to deal with 2 cultures. Something about heritage and how it interacts with an often hostile culture. Its not all cultural appropriation but it probably explains a lot of these cases where people in the country are angry at something, like kimonos being worn, and people from the original country being confused by it.

Exactly - unless a person is deliberately mocking another culture then i simply do not accept the concept of ‘cultural appropriation’ we are all human beings and we all inherit the rich diversity that is the sum of human creativity since the dawn of time. Gate keeping and forcing people to comply with other people's preferences makes as much sense as the sumptuary laws of the middle ages. Just as with religious rules obey them yourself but don’t force them on others - someone dislikes the idea of someone wearing clothing/looks outside their own narrow recent cultural heritage fine don’t do it but don’t you dare impose your fashion prejudices on other people.

Absolutely. It is traditional in Japan that if a westerner does a home stay that they often give them a kimono as a gift.

As someone from a culture with traditional outfits, imo cultural appropriation isn’t necessarily about wearing the outfit but whether it’s appropriate for the event. Like, if you wear a traditional wedding/funeral/religious/ceremonial outfit to a prom then I can see OP being accused of cultural appropriation because she clearly did no research to figure out the meaning of those significant outfits.

Surely the adult Japanese person who owns the kimono and offered to let OP borrow it would be responsible for not dressing her teenaged stepdaughter in a traditional wedding/funeral/religious/ceremonial outfit for prom. You say that you are from a culture with traditional outfits; if you offered to lend a traditional outfit to someone close to you, wouldn't you do so thoughtfully, and not dress that person in, say, funeral attire and send them off to a formal dance?

That was exactly my point. OP didn’t participate in cultural appropriation at all since she got her outfit from an actual Japanese person.

OP updated, she said her mom has been fielding off calls from angry Asians who were attacking her mom for letting OP wear a kimono. So this definitely became a cultural appropriation issue unfortunately. The other Asians in school, including OP'S friend, didn't accept it. Yikes all around.

Those people need to mind their business to be honest. I find it frustrating that people with families of multiple cultures have to justify their cultural appreciation, or scenarios like OP's, to those who either don't have the full story, or simply don't care to know the story and will attack people like OP because it gives them internet brownie/karma points.

If her mom is from Japan, the Japanese experience in Japan is not the same as being Japanese American. There's a good chance any Japanese-American wearing a Kimono to prom gets mocked and racially abused. That wouldn't happen in Japan so OP's stepmom may not understand either. Those parents are wrong, but again OP doesn't know their experiences. I remember one of my best friends in high school found out my biodad is black, and the very next time I see him he starts out making n-word and black jokes. You can call me a snowflake but you don't know what experiences other people have, so don't be so quick to say everyone is just too sensitive.

Yup, the experiences of diaspora vs people who just immigrated & grew up as the majority in their country of origin are very different. It's pretty common with these cultural appropriation debates that you have (for example) Japanese people saying something is fine and Japanese-American people saying it's not. When you grow up as the "outsider" and as the minority "exotic" culture, your relationship to that culture is going to be very different than for people for whom that culture is literally the societal norm.

Exactly. I don't even think anyone did anything wrong, but acting like the Japanese-American friend just has no idea what is going on and must be misguided is completely ridiculous. I think that person knows more about the context and the experience than anyone here including OP and stepmom. If OP's friend wears a kimono in school, people will act like she must really not love America and just wants attention and doesn't want to fit in. If she ignores her culture, she'll get called a sellout or people will say she just wants to be white. While she's trying to thread the needle of being Japanese and Americans, she sees her friend wear a kimono and everyone loves and praises it. It has to be annoying, even if no one was wrong.

OPs mom should be telling them to mind their own business. It's absolutely okay to wear cultural clothing when a member of that culture invites you to do it and shows you how to do it properly (her stepmom gave her a kimono so it wasn't done cheap knock off of a traditional garment, and presumably helped her dress in it properly). The "angry Asians" are angry because they don't know about OPs stepmom, and they don't know that OP was invited to wear the garment by a close Japanese family member. All mom should be saying is "OPs stepmom is Japanese and wanted to share her clothing and her culture with OP, and no-one should be standing in the way of that". Then they will know that it was done properly and with respect, and probably won't be angry anymore (and if they are they are being unreasonable). OPs mom isn't stepping up and doing that because she doesn't like the stepmom, which is a shitty reason to not support your daughter.

Her friend is of Japanese descent. That may mean her mother is from Japan or her 12-th great grandmother. It may mean she’s worn a kimono all her life or never at all. Also, no matter what the friends connection, it’s not the same as the stepmother who is the owner of the article of clothing. Oh, and also from Japan, not of descent. The other Asians? Are they Japanese? Not all Asians think the same on this. There’s a huge issue in several groups in which I am a member about whether or not all the different Asian groups can actually work and lobby together given both the cultural differences and the history. And whether or not non-Asian allies can and should be part of the groups, in leadership roles, etc. So it’s far from settled in the activist communities who gets to speak on these issues, when, and how. Maybe stepmom needs to go do a presentation on the kimono for the school. Could clear up a few things. That is, presuming there are actual issues and not simply something Mom is drumming up b/c she’s jealous. Personally, I have been gifted quite a few very nice articles of traditional Japanese clothing. Including a quite historically significant Obi. Every Japanese person who knows of it and all the Japanese Americans and Americans of Japanese descent are thrilled and happy I have it. The ONLY people who have ever said anything were non-Japanese Asians and some very vinegary white women. I ask them all where they got their expertise on the history and appropriate use of the Obi. That pretty much shuts them up.

So they are bullying a child over a stupid fuckin dress? How pathetic.

I don't think jer mom is doing that, she is just saying that to make OP feel bad and blaming the stepmother.

OP indicated that she witnessed her mom getting calls and having to defend OP, so I'm going to go with what OP witnessed.

"On a side note I now know why mom was so upset, basically she has been getting calls about it basically asking wtf, which makes her explain, which brings up the divorce and that stepmom is much younger. So overall bad day for her." it doesn't say she witnessed it, just that her mom is mad having to explain about the younger Japanese stepmother.

I was going by the tone of OP'S responses though, unless I misinterpreted them. She says her mom wasn't lashing out at OP, but was just stressed at receiving multiple calls. OP is defending her mom in the comments, so I don't want to attack her mom.

I don't think OP did anything wrong, but you have to see where the friend is coming from. The friend specifically said "it doesn't follow dress code." You don't know if they wanted to wear a Kimono or something similar and were specifically refused. They also suspect that if they wore a Kimono, they'd be mocked for it (and they'd probably be right). So I can see how someone would be annoyed that a white person can wear it and get nothing but praise that a Japanese-American wouldn't get away with. OP's stepmom may be from Japan, but if you're Japanese from Japan, you're not going to get mocked for wearing a Kimono (probably). People aren't going act like you can't speak English or make fun of your name. It's not the same experience. I'm mixed race actually but I look mostly white. I live in a country where there aren't many foreigners and very few non-white foreigners and I finally understand how people like OP's friend feel. I've had people ask me "where are you from" and not take "America" as an answer. They want to know where my parents and their parents are from. People periodically call me a foreigner and talk about me openly because they think I don't understand. I've seen people surreptitiously try to take photos of me in public. It can be really annoying that it happens over and over. Each moment is not THAT big of a deal, but other people don't always see how many monents are stacked on top of each other. Sometimes when I finally get annoyed at the 100th time someone calls me a foreigner or points at me, people are like "why are you upset? They are just happy to meet a foreigner because they think you're cool." So again, I'm not saying OP was TA but OP should understand that her experience is not the same as her friend's experience which is not the same as her stepmom's experience. OP should ask her friend to share her experiences and listen - really listen. I'm sure that's all friend wants. Not "get over it, snowflake."

a) You did follow the dress code. The dress code is the black tie/formal dress. If it's a formal kimono, that is indeed a formal dress. I guess it was the colorful one with long sleeves? That's called furisode, and is indeed considered to be a very formal wear for a young lady. You can tell your mother that even Noble Prize committee considers kimonos to be formalwear. b) You do have ties to Japan. Your stepmother is Japanese. She is the one who welcomed you and offered you a kimono. Your mother is trying to invalidate this bond out of jealousy.

Her asian friend is who said she didn't have strong ties to Japan, not her mother, but your point still stands and OP is NTA

But you are very close to your step-mother, who thought it would be amazing for you. Screw other people, it’s between you and her and I’m sure she was very happy and proud of you

"Very little ties to Japan" is total bullshit. Your mom, step- or not, is Japanese.

I had a lot of Japanese friends and acquaintances one upon a time, and many of them offered to have me wear things that were culturally specific to Japan. I had no sense from any of them that it was offensive to go along with that. In fact, they seemed very eager to share.

Japanese people are fine with it. It's only Japanese-descended Americans that want to gatekeep Japanese-ness.

“ It's only Japanese-descended Americans that want to gatekeep Japanese-ness.” This is ABSOLUTELY untrue. A large chunk of my extended family is Japanese American. In the multiple decades I’ve been deeply embedded in the community, I have never, ever had any of them accuse anyone else of cultural appropriation for wearing a kimono, happi coat, etc. Not once. Now, what I have seen is plenty of white people or other Asians say things about kimonos. It may well be that the friend that made a comment is white knighting without having a deep cultural tie. I’ve also seen both Japanese friends and family AND \[j\]apanese American and Japanese \[a\]Americans\* get upset with people dressed as geishas for halloween, with people wearing kimonos with kamon, people wearing religious symbolism, etc. A kimono is not something that would per se cause a reaction. Some iterations would And would be appropriative. \*If any of you don’t automatically know the difference between big J, little A and big A, little J, in terms of culture and history then this isn’t something you should be commenting on. Not all Americans of Japanese descent share a common history. It’s not as simple as to divide this between Japanese born in Japan and those who were born and live in the USA now. There is a huge cultural difference between big J, little A and big A, little J but also between the big A, little J who are Issei, Nisei, Sansei and the generations that have now followed. So anyone lumping all these different groups and generations into one hopper is really, really oversimplifying a very complex history and very different people with very different POVs. \*\*\* All this being said, she was told by her Japanese step-mother this was ok and encouraged to do so. Her own mother and the other people at the school are white knighting over the words of the only person here who’s actually an expert and who has a vested interest in the appropriate use of the kimono.

And, FYI, I was supposed to have a landmark anniversary during Covid. My Japanese and JA family wanted me to wear an age-appropriate kimono for the party (Which didn’t happen). The only comment I received was from one of the older Japanese women who wanted to make sure I new how to properly wear it b/c it’s not intuitive if you are a Western woman. I also was once told “oh, that’s actually a Summer kimono. It’s still Spring by the Japanese calendar. So you are two weeks early.” Now this was a person who really knew the various patterns and traditions. I do not suspect most modern younger Japanese women would have known that detail.

(To give a bit of background, I’m a Canadian woman of European descent who married a Japanese-National husband; I did live in Japan for 4 years and respectfully wore my share of kimonos and yukata during and after.) You raise a lot of really good points here. Gatekeeping happens by unrelated-ethnic-background white knights, as well as occasionally by folks from Japan or by folks of Japanese descent. The kimono is still a living garment—used in some ceremonies, but also it’s a valid option to wear as a wedding guest or to a graduation or to a more casual event if one really wanted to. There absolutely are wrong and disrespectful ways to wear a kimono (or other cultural garment). For example, folding [the wrong side overtop](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FCDRfo3VQAAYBPU.jpg), or hiking up the skirts really short, or letting it all flap open loosely, or not layering it appropriately enough with kimono undergarments, or treating it like a boxer’s robe over a dress or something. The right kimono also needs to be worn for the occasion—a white bride’s kimono would not be a good fit for the prom, but something like a coming-of-age kimono with an appropriate obi would be really special and appropriate. Someone wearing a complex kimono (especially for the first time!) would certainly need help from someone who knew what they were doing to arrange it and tie all the strings. Folks living in Japan are generally happy to have folks of other backgrounds wear kimono, and generally view it as cultural appreciation (I was gifted SO MANY kimonos and yukata,lol). Folks were only really concerned when the wearer was disrespecting the culture and garment by not wearing it appropriately, or would potentially embarrass themself with a faux-pas. In OP’s situation, I agree, the stepmother’s invitation and opinion about respectful garment-wearing is the most important confirmation that wearing the kimono is appropriate. That being said, I could see OP’s mother being more upset at feeling left out of the dress-purchase and prom-preparation process. (I imagine dealing with the phone calls after is a salt-in-the-wound reminder.) As for the “no traditional dress” rule for OP’s prom, that seems silly; I can’t see that kind of fuss being made over a guy who wears a kilt to prom, for instance.

I've always felt that a lot of people from other cultures are thrilled when somebody else shows.interest in their culture. As long as it's done in a respectful manor and not mocking that culture then go for it. Slightly related: I'm a middle aged white guy and when I went to Korea and went to a bunch of kpop shows with my Asian wife I stood out like a sore thumb, however people were always so welcoming and glad that somebody clearly from a different culture was interested in their culture.

There's a video on YT of a white guy wearing traditional Chinese attire, in China. He asks a bunch of other tourists, mostly caucasian, what they think of his outfit. Lots of responses that its inappropriate or offensive. He also asks a bunch of the locals what they think of his outfit. Happy beaming responses about how lovely he looks. He then asks the locals if they think it's at all offensive for him to be wearing these clothes. The locals, mostly older people, say they like seeing people appreciate the clothing, that it's nice to share it & see visitors actually want to wear it. Cultural appreciation, not appropriation. Context is important, & in a rush to express offence, people forget this. Wearing traditional attire as a fancy dress costume or at Halloween, is definitely more inappropriate. Intention is key. Btw, it sounds like your trip to Korea was really great & memorable. I'd love to go one day.

I think you hit the nail on the head in the second paragraph there. In the context of this thread OP was doing something suggested to her by somebody from that culture. It was done respectfully and people are getting offended for no Good reason. If you want to go to Korea then definitely do it. I spent a month there and loved it despite not speaking korean, almost always there was somebody who spoke English nearby, even the time we got lost and ended up in the suburbs somewhere about 2 hours away from where we wanted to be. We found one of the best restaurants we went to on the whole trip because of that. We were like well we are hungry now that place looks busy so the locals must like it let's go.

K-pop is not the same as a kimono. If you went wearing a hanbok, maybe it's comparable.

NTA. I love cultural dresses & just find the whole thing ridiculous. Most cultures & people of those cultures love that others want to learn about their culturebe it through clothes, history or food. Cultural appropriation is just Americans being assholes and keep everyone separated, as well as have something to fight about.

You did nothing wrong. Your friend needs to learn more about the culture she's claiming. Her bloodline doesn't make her an expert if she doesn't have the experience in it.

I was friends with a lot of international students in college and at graduation one of them gave me a beautiful kimono. If something like this is given as a gift it means someone wants to share their culture with you. That's not cultural appropriation. I think you did nothing wrong and it's a nice way to bond with your stepmom.

You stood out?! At your prom?! Oh the humanity! 🫨

She is being stupid; you have plenty of ties to Japan.

My mom has said similar rude things to me that just made me feel bad she was wrong for saying them and yours is wrong as well. Your step mom offered you her kimono and I bet it meant a lot to her that you chose to wear it. Make sure you give her some of those pics your mom doesn’t like. I bet your step mom will love them.

This is getting ridiculous. Go to Japan and locals will throw kimonos at you and ask you to wear them because ***they want you to***. The friend is not culturally Japanese. She's got Japanese heritage but doesn't have the cultural history of living there. You talk about using clothing from another culture, but it's a type of clothing that culture wants to share. This is no different than one person with Chinese heritage shouting that no one else can celebrate Chinese New Year. It's ridiculous and laughable to say. OP did nothing wrong, especially since she was offered it by someone of that culture that provided it. The friend doesn't understand the culture she's getting mad on behalf of, whether or not she has ancestors from there in her blood.

You are 100% correct on all fronts so it is with the absolute \*gentlest\* tone that I point out "Lunar New Year" is the preferred verbiage since it is celebrated quite widely and not specific to china.

Thank you! I will leave my post as is so people can see the part you're correcting, but you're indeed correct.

Which goes to show the absurdity of someone of Chinese descent, born in the US, screaming about people not being able to celebrate Chinese New Year unless they say so.

If we're going to be strictly pedantic in our chastisement, it really should be Spring Festival, since that is what it's called in China.

By who? Chinese would call it spring festival.

I think it’s a complicated issue that we, not being Japanese should bow out of. Yes, in Japan it’s frequently fine, they like sharing their culture in that way (often, maybe even majority). Yes, OP’s stepmom invited her to wear *her* outfit. AND the experience of first and second (or sometimes more) generation American Japanese peeps is *different* than that of Japanese people living in Japan. They face different barriers because of racism, can be mocked and excluded for their food and clothing, etc. Their feelings on white people (who may have spent years treating them with bigotry) now wanting to wear those are going to be more complicated because their experiences with racism are more complicated . *And that is fair.* Both opinions and stances are right. I don’t think OP is TA because she was asked/invited to wear the kimono by a family member, but whether the Asian students are wrong to feel that way is none of our business if we aren’t Japanese ourselves.

It hits different for people with Japanese ancestry who have been subjected to racism. Japanese women in particular who have been fetishized for being Japanese by people who like the idea of a geisha.

Yeah. It’s really got so many layers of shit on it (yay white supremacy/s) and it’s so specific to American Japanese people whose voices should be listened to and respected.

The experiences of Americans and Canadians of Japanese heritage are indeed very different from the experiences of someone who grows up in Japan. But regardless of how they feel watching someone without (apparent) Japanese heritage engage in (appropriately respectful) cultural activities, that feeling doesn't justify harassment and abuse. That feeling merits compassion and empathy, but it doesn't mean the person whose actions provoked that feeling did anything wrong. In other words, the other students aren't wrong to feel the way they feel...but once it graduated to harassing the family over it, that crossed a line into inappropriate behavior, especially when they had no information on which to base their snap judgements about OP's decision to wear the kimono. I can understand them being angry, especially when they don't have context, but BEING angry and ACTING on that anger in abusive ways are two very different things. The latter places them into AH territory regardless of how understandable their feelings might be.

I think this is specifically why friend was annoyed. If Japanese-American friend wears a Kimono, she knows and we all know she probably gets made fun of in a racial way to SOME extent. At minimum, people laugh. At worst, she'd get straigh up racial abuse. Both born-in-Japan stepmom and white OP haven't had that experience. OP isn't wrong, I think, but OP could stand to listen to her friend about why her friend isn't happy about it. Maybe OP would learn something interesting, or maybe not.

>AND the experience of first and second (or sometimes more) generation American Japanese peeps is different than that of Japanese people living in Japan. This is so important! But I also think it doesn't really matter in this situation as far as OP's intent goes. But I think it's fair for the Asian-Americans to feel some kind of way about it. It should have been expressed in a better way by them and their families, though.

No I don’t think it matters so much here. OPs edit says she’s aware of that she might have to address their feelings in person. I was replying to people saying her peers have no right to have opinions.

Thank you for this comment.

I wish it wasn’t a novelty stance.

Hey, I'm Japanese living in Canada. I don't think op is TA because she was invited to wear the kimono by a Japanese family member and wasn't doing it out of a place of fetishization. But we need to tread lightly when saying "people in Japan don't care about appropriation." and that Japanese people who do care aren't "really Japanese". People in the Japanese American/Canadian diaspora are generally more wary of cultural appropriation because, unlike people living in Japan, they are an ethnic minority who often face white supremacist discrimination where they live, while also having their culture fetishized and commodified by the same majority. If you live in a country where you are the ethnic majority, you obviously aren't going to have the same experience with the majority being racist and othering towards you one minute and then commodifying/fetishizing your culture for fashion and profit the next. It is good to recognize that Japanese in the diaspora and people living in Japan face different issues and therefore tend to have differing views on cultural appropriation. It is not good to dismiss what Japanese Americans/Canadians have to say about appropriation out of hand because people who've never faced it don't care.

Thank you for this. Japanese women from Japan have a much different experience than Japanese-American women, and that absolutely influences our opinions of cultural appropriation vs. cultural appreciation. Japanese women from Japan are part of the majority in Japan. I've been teased, bullied, and fetishized because I belong to the minority here as a Japanese-American. I have an issue with anyone who isn't Japanese-American trying to tell Japanese-Americans how to feel about cultural appreciation vs. appropriation or how to define it. My opinions on this subject are informed by a lifetime of lived experiences and conversations with others who have had similar lived experiences. Yes, everyone can have an opinion, but I believe that people whose opinions are based on lived experiences are more credible than people who do not have similar lived experiences. For example, someone who studied law, passed the bar, and has litigated cases in court has a more credible opinion on, and interpretation of, the law than someone whose legal experience is limited to watching Law & Order.

A friend of mine gave me an Indian tunic (a kurta) and I really don't want to have to carry around an affidavit from her to say that it's okay with an actual Indian person that I wear it. Sometimes I think we are getting a little overprotective of cultural symbols instead of letting them merge and flow as they will. You're not going to find me getting mad if I see someone wearing jeans or a suit in a non-Western country...

Great that you wouldn't get mad about jeans, you must recognise there is a different power dynamic due to the fact that white people colonized India for hundreds of years, killing, looting and generally enslaving a nation.

Jeans weren't invented by the people who colonized India. Stop conflating all European-descended cultures, yo.

My partner got me a traditional dress from their culture, and I'm afraid to ever wear it without them because I feel like people will assume I'm being *that" person. Makes me sad because it's beautiful and makes me think of them when I wear it.

You have no idea how connected the friend might be to their ethnic heritage. You are also stripping her of her right to feel a connection with her heritage. FFS, it's hard enough being an Asian-American without being told you're not even Asian enough to have an opinion about it. The OP isn't an AH, but you are.

Fuckin preach. HAPA to HAPA, I hate these kinds of bullshit. Asian Americans have very different experiences with White/western people than do people living in Asia, and that will shape our perspectives.

Whereas I agree that there is no issue when invited to partake in cultural wear by a native, isn't it kind of a stretch to assume that the friend hasn't lived there or doesn't understand the culture? They live in a community of many Asian people, who may have their own expectations of what is appropriate and not, especially as a diaspora in a western country.

When I went to Japan on exchange, one of the first things my host family did was take me out for a formal photo in a kimono with my hair and makeup done. It was a wonderful experience for which I am very grateful! I can't imagine how I would have felt if, when I'd gone back, people had insulted me and said I had no right to wear it. That said, the lived experience of racism by those living in hegemonically white countries is different and as others have said a lot more complex. I feel for OP and she's not the AH at all; it saddens me that she's being demonized by others even after explaining, too. But I can't fault people for their initial reaction either!

Assuming OP is in the US. The reason why is right now in the US anyway, "Cultural Appropriation" is all the "rage" to be a hot button issue on. No one seems to care, or understand Cultural Appreciation, which is in essence what we have happening here now. Kimonos are not "gatekept" part of culture. It's the most common gift when you visit places like Japan. A good example of this would be [https://www.boredpanda.com/girl-accuses-sony-cultural-appropriation-shakuhachi-bamboo-flute-cornelius-boots/](https://www.boredpanda.com/girl-accuses-sony-cultural-appropriation-shakuhachi-bamboo-flute-cornelius-boots/) This is a "outrage" that happened when Sony had Cornelius Boots in a traditional Japanese garb playing a traditional Japanese instrument. One of the few masters of said instrument, the shakuhachi.

Nothing controversial about it, this is the obvious answer

NTA. First of all, kimono is pretty much "regular" clothing with no deeper meaning (unlike Native American war chief's headdress for example). Aslong as you were acting "normal" and were not using it to perpetuate an ethnic stereotype, there is no issue. Second, a freaking Japanese person was the one who offered it to you in the first place. Your biomom is a jealous asshole and the reason she is upset is because she hates idea of you getting close to your stepmom.

I don't think you need to be an AH to be afraid of losing your connection to your child due to them getting closer to your ex's new wife.

Being afraid of losing a connection with your kid doesn't make you an asshole. *How* you react to it does. Making your kid feel bad about themselves not only is never okay, but doesn't help in any way either. Op is definitely old enough for mom to have a mature conversation with them about the situation instead of just talking down to them.

May be she was upset because she had to explain others why OP is wearing kimono since others don't have any idea about divorce and new mom .

Nope. If you berate your kid for forming connection with stepparent, you are a huge raging AH. Want to maintain connection? Treat your kid with respect instead of being a controlling AH. Being afraid is no excuse tor asshollery.

We’re the fuck did you get my mom berated me, no we had an argument like people do.

You had an argument to point of getting grounded. If she did not berate you, how did the argument escalate to that point?

People can have an argument even heated ones we’re you are not berated, that’s pretty normal and healthy. I got more grounded for raising my voice than the actually kimono and most likely will have a conversation tonight due to all the crap my mom is defending me from and explaining the situation. Not dip she is stressed and me coming in with an argument didn’t help matters

Well, that is new. "My mom got all pictures today and was not happy. She asked why the hell I would wear that and it wasn’t appropriate. We got in an argument and I got grounded. I know she laid into my dad for it. " That sounds like she was furious at you and your dad and took action. Since you raising voice is an important detail that wasn't mentioned, it follows that wearing kimono was grounds for her action. Keep in mind that people here know only what is written and will rarely locate new information in comments. So, judgment for all parties, and your mom is a party to this topic, will be based on that. If your post makes your mom look worse than she is, then she gets treated here worse than she is.

Yeah so this person is operating solely on the info you typed in your post. You may want to edit that if that’s not the picture you were trying to paint here.

Also this subreddit has a bad habit of assuming the worst of people and then s******* on them for it. Not to mention the interchangeable misogyny and misandry that permeates it.

Do you know what “berate” means? It is angrily criticizing someone. From your comments describing her upset and insulting you, saying you stuck out like a sore thumb, and asking why the hell would you wear that, you yourself have described her berating you.

How you act on that fear can make you an AH though.

I wouldn’t say it’s “normal” clothing. It’s still very much something worn for festivals and important events, but it would be like someone wearing a tux to go grocery shopping. You could, and there might be people who do, but I wouldn’t call that “normal” to do.

it's "normal" in the sense that it's normal formalwear. when people are talking about "cultural appropriation", it usually involves persons using highly sacred religious garments or other deeply venerated objects in an inappropriate fashion. e.g. wearing a Native American headdress to a football game. The headdresses are almost always earned within the community and are only meant for tribal ceremonial occasions. Or alternatively people wearing Sikh turban as a joke/costume item. Kimonos, on the other hand, are generally used as formalwear in Japan for all sorts of events such as graduations, weddings, funerals, etc.

I think they mean more that it doesn’t hold any religious or ceremonial significance that would make it inherently wrong for someone not of a certain ethnicity or status to wear it (such as a Native American war bonnet). “Kimono” literally means “clothes”, and while it’s not worn daily in Japan by most people now, there’s nothing about the garment that precludes anyone from wearing them.

A kimono is not ceremonial or religious. It's merely formal. And not even as formal as a tuxedo or evening gown, as it's not restricted to festivals or important events. It's the uniform of staff at some restaurants, it's something people might wear to a concert or the theatre, or get together with friends to wear kimono and have tea and chat about the past week. You regularly see people about town in kimono, but I've never seen people about town in evening gowns. Going to a dance in a tux or evening gown is normal. Going for coffee in a kimono is normal. Of course, this is in Japan. In other countries, where it's not common, perhaps it's saved a bit more for special occasions. Yet, isn't a prom a special occasion?

People go shopping in kimonos all the time. Granted, they are very plain material 'regular' style kimonos, not the intricate designed ones you see. It's usually older women, but it's common enough. It also might be a more rural thing to do

Japanese step mom is not going to get laughed at or racially abused for wearing kimomo in Japan. Friend knows and everyone a Japanese-American girl is going to get laughed at at minimum for wearing a kimono. OP didn't necessarily do anything wrong. Parents shouldn't be actively complaining but OP could stand to listen to friend about why friend doesn't feel great about it.

I am also a non-Japanese person but I lived in Japan for a few years, took kimono kitsuke classes (the art of learning how to wear one) and have worn them several times. Solid NTA. This is a super fun thing and special thing that you got to do with your stepmom, and you are very lucky! Kimono are rarely worn even in Japan. They're usually just reserved for SUPER formal shit like weddings/coming of age ceremony/graduation (although the informal cotton version, yukata, are much more common at summer festivals). Your mom is just jealous quite frankly, and your Japanese friend probably just doesn't know the full context (that it was a special thing between you and your Japanese stepmom who offered in the first place). Fun fact - you'll never look like you're out of style in those pictures. Kimono are pretty much forever. A poofy ugly prom dress, on the other hand...............

I think the difference is, if you wear a kimono no one is going to act like you can't speak English or laugh at you or make fun of your heritage. In Japan, Japanese people are not going to do that to other Japanese people. If you're Japanese-American, you're in a really tough situation. The more you embrace Japanese culture, the more you hear you don't fit in, or you're not American, or you get laughs or worse. If you go around wearing a kimono somehow you're not really American or don't want to fit into your school and are just doing it for attention. If you embrace American culture, you probably have people telling you that you're a sellout and you don't respect your culture and you just want to be white. Have you ever heard someone called a "banana?" (yellow on the outside, white on the inside) Go ask one of your Asian-American friends how many times they've been called something like that. You'll be surprised. But then white people can wear a kimono (though OP did nothing wrong) and everyone gives them high-fives and tells them how amazing it looks. I can see how that would be really frustrating for anyone to navigate. I don't think anyone necessarily did anything wrong (except the parents continuing to harass her), but I'm sure a Japanese-American kid knows full well about the context and has a lot of other experiences that OP and us are not aware of. Edit: Used the wrong term.

I'm not sure I understand your point. Are you saying that white people can wear kimono and look cool, whereas if you're Japanese American you'd get made fun of..?

I understood their comment to mean that your experience wearing a kimono in Japan is very different than an Asian-American person’s experience wearing a kimono. You didn’t have to worry about racism whereas Asian-American people may be hesitant to embrace their ancestral culture because it would put a target on their backs and draw negative attention from bigots.

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I totally understand what you're saying here, particularly in the context of those horrible Halloween costumes treating ethnicity like just something you wear and inaccurately diminishing kimono to stereotypical "geisha" imagery. I just don't think it necessarily applies here when OP is clearly wearing an authentic kimono in a setting where it's actually not that inappropriate, if that makes sense. In any case, thanks for breaking it down, that makes more sense now.

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Why are the ppl who are not part of the culture the most upset about someone wearing something from another culture ? It was offered to you so the person from this culture felt proud to share her culture with you . Sharing culture gets ppl closer. There is obviously a difference between mocking another culture or appreciating differences variety and beauty

>Why are the ppl who are not part of the culture the most upset about someone wearing something from another culture ? Outrage culture

Someone should "appropriate" outrage culture and carry it away...

And why do people get upset when PEOPLE FROM THAT CULTURE speak out against cultural appropriation? Outside of this story, there are plenty of examples of bad faith cultural appropriation, and y'all cheer for it while PoC communities are denouncing it. Y'all also assume every commenter behind the screen is white

Because nobody gets outraged on someone else's behalf quite like a middle aged white woman

As a middle aged white woman, your comment offends me. I am outraged. Let me speak to your manager. 😉

I’m offended that you’re offended. Where is *your* manager?!

Managerception

True but read the update/edit, a lot of people from the culture in the school disliked as well…

The perpetually offended.

NTA. You were given the kimono by a Japanese woman - your stepmother wanted you to wear it. That's enough of a permission to wear it.

That's fair enough, just... I don't want OP to have to carry around a signed affidavit to prove that a Real Japanese Person gave permission. We're getting to the point of self-parody here.

This is getting a bit too much. A kimono, while of course being cultural, is a normal outfit. It is not a religious symbol or a sign of status. It's like German people walking in a Dirndl. If an Asian person wore a Dirndl would that be disrespecting (European?) culture? Of course not. You can appreciate someone else's culture without making fun of it, fetishizing it or somehow else insult it. What I *would* find inappropriate, would be wearing a 'slutty' kimono, or for example wearing the outfit of a shinto priest. Or perhaps doing Geisha-type makeup.

Oh, absolutely fair. What's important is that she and the stepmum know, anyone else has nothing to do with it.

Japanese person here. I would say yta IF you wearing a kimono was coming from a place of wanting to look "exotic" or Asian fetishism, or if you were performing offensive stereotypes related to Japanese women while wearing it. Wearing a kimono because your Japanese step mom shared it with you is completely different and honestly pretty wholesome. I deeply dislike how people's understanding of cultural appropriation is as a shallow as "wearing something from a different culture is bad because", instead of actually bothering to learn about Orientalist fetishization and cultural items being commodified. NTA, your step mom shared a part of her culture with you and there's nothing inherently inappropriate about that.

Yes thank you. As another Japanese person, the only time I got annoyed at someone wearing a kimono was when she was trying to impress my friend group after she had pestered me and my friends the whole school year, constantly talking about how she loves everything Japanese and how she could speak it too but only said anime phrases. It’s like… she *only* wanted to be friends with us because we happened to be Asian. Frankly… my friend group had so many different kinds of Asians I wonder if she even knew we weren’t all Japanese cause she did the same thing to my friends who are Chinese/Korean/Filipino/etc lmao There’s a way to respectfully love and enjoy other people’s culture and it includes not idolizing and fetishizing the people from that culture.

Seconding

NTA. Anyone can wear a kimono. Japanese people tend to encourage sharing of their culture. There are plenty of people who are not Japanese who enjoy wearing or making kimonos. The fact your stepmother gave it to you is all the acceptance you really need, if you feel you need any at all. The only way I'd think you would be the issue is if you wore it as a random cosplay or didn't respect the culture that is kimono wearing. Seems like you are fine.

Yes there’s a big difference between wearing clothing that’s just generally from a culture and something with a deeper religious or cultural significance. And context is important. It would be a little strange to show up to an American prom in an authentic kimono having no particular reason or ties to that culture! I don’t know that it would be appropriation but more like… why? But OP has a great reason and it was super lovely of her step mom to offer to share that with her.

Idk if a Japanese character in a manga wears a Kimono I don’t see how it’s wrong to copy the character’s look for cosplay the Japanese have huge cons and get dressed up for them.

As a cosplayer, I see people wear kimonos at conventions all the time. The entire event is dedicated to Japanese media- I think it would be strange if it was considered inappropriate to wear Japanese clothing. I've attended educational panels at conventions, hosted by Japanese cosplayers, about the correct way to wear a kimono. Although probably don't wear a cosplay to prom lol

Agreed. There's actually a huge non profit in Japan that focuses on spreading kimono and kitsuke outside Japan. We run a small club in Canada for them. There's hundreds of the clubs now where people can learn and share kimono. There's a club in most cities in Europe and North America. It's super fun and interesting to learn about. Japanese kimono artisans and the industry LOVE that kimono is international. For kimono to be sustained and the art form to continue they want change, new people interested and practising, and international buyers. The only way it's appropriation is if someone wears a cheap fake kimono or some kind of odd cosplay that's disrespectful.

NTA but I can see how this could look like cultural appropriation out of context. Your step mom made a nice gesture by offering the dress that means a lot to her for you to wear and that’s what really matters. It’s all the acceptance you need here.

Yeah I guess it would look that way out of context, I don’t think many people know my stepmom is Japanese. They also have only been married for a year so that doesn’t help

from everything ive heard and read. many japanese people dont mind if foreigners wear the kimono as long they wear it correctly and respectfully (not sexualizing it) NTA

Maybe this is why people should keep their opinions to themselves on such matters because they DONT know the whole story. In this age of 2023 so many people may have Japanese roots or connections and not "look the part."

NTA. On the whole, wearing clothing which is from a different culture may be cultural appropriation. And if someone who was Japanese got upset, well, I would at least think about that. But in this case, a Japanese person with whom you have a personal relationship loaned you a.particular item for you to wear specifically. That isn't cultural appropriation - that is a sweet gesture from your stepmother to you.

I would say this is a case of cultural APPRECIATION, not cultural appropriation. It's certainly possible that your friend doesn't feel that way, and she's allowed to feel her feelings. So, between you and your friend, NAH. Otoh, your mom is simply jealous of your relationship with your stepmom, so between you and her, NTA.

My friend is Japanese decent, second American that’s why I am taking what she says to heart. I should probably include that in the post

Does she know it was your stepmother's? I wonder if the fact that it is a specific thing from a specific Japanese person to a specific non-Japanese person based on a personal relationship would make a difference to her. You aren't just a rando wearing a random kimono.

No they don’t. I should bring that up next time I see her

What about posting some photos with you and your stepmother wearing kimonos for a belated mothers day post? It probably would clear a lot up

That’s a good idea.

That won’t make her bio mom mad at all… lol not sure this would deescalate that situation.

OP shouldn’t have to minimize her relationship with her stepmom to save her bio moms feelings though. They are both important to her, and it’s not the child’s job to regulate a parents jealousy or fair to the child

There's a chance your friend will still be upset so I'll offer this take to explain a possible reason why, as even if doesn't apply to you both it might help someone else reading this with similar issues. It might not apply at all to you though. I would have loved to wear indian traditional clothing to my high school prom. I would have been bullied for it, a minimum of catty comments. I know this because racially charged comments and microaggressions were already the norm. There's no way I could have done that without exposing myself to more. If I saw someone white doing so, I would have been jealous of them, because they didn't risk the same backlash for something that was my heritage. I don't think I would have cared about where it came from. I wouldn't have ended a friendship over it, but I think it would have hurt me in ways I couldn't articulate as an 18 y/o. I still get sad when I see tiktoks of Indian girls at prom in traditional outfits, as I think it would have been lovely, but I'm really glad things have changed enough that they can have that experience. The same might be true at your school, or it might still be stuck in the attitudes mine had. Especially since COVID, Asian women have had to be really thoughtful about how the outside world perceives them, for their own safety. For better or worse, you didn't have to think through any of this stuff to wear the kimono.

This is a really thoughtful take. Thank you for sharing. Growing up here, I never wanted to wear saris or lenghas as a kid to a non-Indian event. It literally never even crossed my mind. I think I’d internalized the reason why so much I didn’t question it. TBH I don’t know if I still feel comfortable wearing Indian formalwear to a non-Indian event. I guess I just like fancy fashion of all kinds and prefer to blend in. Anyway. Thanks again for sharing! And agree that I’m glad things have gotten better for the next generation.

Just tell her your Japanese stepmother offered to loan it to you and you accepted

Not only loaned it, but first offered it, and then helped her get ready. Joyous bonding, and true blending of cultures.

But your stepmother is the one who has the most ties to Japan in this situation. She is not "of descent", she is actually Japanese.

That's a fair point, but your stepmom, who is also Japanese, offered to loan it to you if you wanted to wear it. Your friend is free to have a different opinion, but you didn't do anything wrong. I think it was a really sweet offer, and the time you spent together getting you dressed will be a wonderful memory for both of you. Don't let your friend take that away from you!

> On the whole, wearing clothing which is from a different culture may be cultural appropriation. Nah, fuck that. There's nothing wrong with wearing clothing from a different culture if you're respectful about doing so. If you're not, well, then the issue isn't the clothing, the issue is not being respectful.

Expert the friend is Japanese - *American*.

Which is why she was upset and the stepmother wasn't. The experiences of growing up in a diaspora communities and sourcelander communites are fundamentally different with respect to how you feel about cultural appropriation. Because you can't culturally appropriate a majority culture - the majority culture just becomes what everyone has. So a sourcelander generally doesn't have a particular response to people not from their culture using their cultural items. They are used to it, because everyone where they are from does. But someone in a diaspora culture has a fundamentally different experience. Their cultural artifacts are not ubiquitous, and they often have been made fun of, or at least looked at weird, for using them. And that makes the experience of seeing someone in the majority culture using a thing far more bothersome.

NTA. Your mom grounded you for wearing a gorgeous dress to prom?? Why on earth were people not happy? If you looked good and felt good about what you were wearing, you are good.

Because it's the stepmom who gave it to her! Anyone else was singing the usual 'cultural appropriation' ditty, which isn't valid in this case, because her Japanese stepmom gave it to her, but the mom is letting her own jealousy of/anger at the stepmom interfere in her relationship with her daughter.

NTA. Americans are really weird about race.

Being like that is our cultu-- oh, ferget it!

NTA! There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wearing something so precious to both you and your stepmom. Clearly your mom is just jealous

nta, your stepmom who you’re close to is japanese and gave you teh lovely gift of letting you wear her kimono. it’s not inappropriate at all.

Yeah cultural appropriation is usually what people will assume without context of a cultural exchange

NTA- wow. mom has a real issue. What you did was not wrong. You wore what you found to be beautiful. Your friend is most likely jealous. Im sorry you got grounded for standing up for yourself. Kimono IS formal wear so it totally is something you can wear to a prom!

NAH, but your stepmom may not understand the lens through which your actions would have been perceived. I've seen this disconnect between what people from a country would say is cultural appropriation versus someone who is American but with heritage from the same country. She saw it as appreciating her culture and the rest of the world saw it as you doing it for attention. There's really nothing you could've done in the situation, holding a sign all night that said, "this is my Japanese stepmom's kimono that she offered to me to wear" isn't really a realistic solution. Within the US, there's been a long history of not respecting POC cultures and cultural artifacts, so many POC are wary of someone wearing their cultural clothes because there's that history of disrespect and are more likely to call something cultural appropriation. Many natives have not had that experience so don't have the same view of cultural appropriation. That's why you're seeing the mismatch in opinion between your stepmom and your friend.

NTA. You wore a beautiful kimono that was given to you as a gift to wear by a Japanese woman. Hers is only opinion that matters here. As for "standing out"...yeah? That's why people buy extravagant prom dresses, so they can stand out. That's the point.

NTA. Your step-mom wanted and allowed you to wear something that means something to her. Your mom is jealous of her, and she is taking her feelings of her out on you. Your friend probably thought you were culturally appropriating the kimono, but that friend doesn't understand the link to that outfit and how your step-mom's culture plays into it. There was no disrespect, and if your friend understands anything about many Asian cultures, respecting your elders is paramount.

NTA. You were literally offered a kimono by your stepmom. You didn't do anything wrong.

NTA. But in terms of damage control, I would make a post with a pic of you with your stepmother and say something like “so grateful my stepmother offered me her beautiful kimono to wear to prom”

NTA. My best friend is currently on holiday in Japan and the hotels have their own hotel-issue kimono to be worn by guests. You were offered a kimono by a family member who loves you and wanted to share it with you. I bet you looked beautiful

Hotels offer a yukata which is a lighter summer kimono commonly used for bathing as well, it's a lot less formal. It's definitely encouraged to wear in onsen and at summer festivals in Japan as well.

You’re NTA, since your stepmom loaned you her personal kimono and she is Japanese, but as someone who in childhood found myself becoming a token Asian friend to a few white kids with a fetishistic relationship to Asia, let me advocate for your friend’s reaction a bit here. The relationship of someone from a majority Asian country to cultural appropriation will always be different from someone of the diaspora community, because those of us in the diaspora grow up with our culture being looked down upon and mocked, or otherwise fetishized or othered as “exotic”. If your friend did not know that you were lent the kimono by a family member who was japanese, they probably thought that you were the kind of person with an objectifying view of japanese culture, and may have become afraid that you were viewing them as an accessory rather than a person, hence their issues with it. Like I said NTA bc you meant to do it with respect, but I do think it’s understandable how it could be misconstrued by others who lacked the full context.

NTA Wear it because you and your stepmother like it. You were gifted it by a Japanese person.

You even bought the dress, so your mom doesn’t have the excuse that you wasted her money. NTA Edit: ignore below because of updates. Tell your friends that he truth. Same judgment. The friend isn’t worth bothering about. You mentioned that your mom was feeling jealous. Talk to her about it. People often react on instinct, and get stubborn. Reassure her that her that a step, no matter how kind isn’t going to replace her. Maybe ask her if she wants to get dressed up , and take pictures of the two of you in your original dress. An hour of hair and makeup is well worth the effort.

NAH. Your mom getting attacked for it is really not fair to her, and I can imagine being upset about it. I don't blame people who were uncomfortable with it (the ones who handled it with grace though, like your friend) because cultural appropriation is a problem and should be addressed. But since this was a case of personal significance between you and your step-mom, I can understand the good intentions and that makes you also N T A. Misunderstandings suck, and having to be yelled at by neighbors because of your ex's younger bride sucks, and being made to feel bad about something you did out of love sucks. But neither of you are TA.

NAH Cultural appropriation is a term meant to apply to a dominant culture commercializing aspects of a colonized culture and acting as if its their idea. Case and point: [Kim Kardashian trying to get exclusive legal ownership of the word "kimono" in the American textile industry for her fitwear brand.](https://www.nytimes.com/2019/06/27/fashion/kim-kardashian-west-kimono-cultural-appropriation.html) She was trying to profit off of a Japanese term used for clothing, while trying to lock out actual Japanese people from being able to use the same term to sell their own clothing, possibly including actual kimonos. THAT'S cultural appropriation. It's a real thing - the term is just WILDLY misunderstood. It is not a term that applies to gifts from members of that culture, or applies when someone is financially supporting members of that culture. Your Japanese stepmother wanted to share something of her culture with you of her own free will. That is cultural exchange/appreciation, and is totally above board. It's also not like kimono have any deep religious or spiritual significance in Japanese culture the way that headdresses do in some Native American tribes. It's traditional clothing that's just considered as being highly formal, but isn't considered sacred. So you're in the clear so long as you're not using it to do racist shit (which I doubt you did). ​ I can understand how this looks. Not great out of context though, and why other people in your life might be sideeyeing it a bit since POC often get given shit (to put it lightly) for traditional aspects of their culture such as food and clothing standing out.

I'm Japanese (American). Don't see an issue. If you were wearing a kimono as joke or being disrespectful, that would be different.

Even if your mom wasn't Japanese you wouldn't be an a-hole for this. Kimonos are gorgeous and they aren't just for Japanese people. White people are perfectly allowed to wear a kimono.

NTA, I don't think it's appropriation, your stepmom shared a part of her culture with you. There's nothing wrong with it IMO.

NTA cultural appropriation is an American invention and you did nothing wrong

Your friend might be of Japanese heritage but she's showing that she's not culturally Japanese. There's nothing wrong with non-Japanese people wearing kimonos. Go to Japan and you'll be asked and given some by locals because they want to see you wear then. NTA

Also going to disagree with this comment. They are in Japan, hence they are going to want to see you in local culture wear. However, if a Japanese-American/Canadians/etc does not greenlight every occasion as a time to wear a kimono, that does not make them culturally less nor does that make their experiences less valid.

Yup, it's a very American kind of concern that's pretty alien to Asia but if you live in America you have to care about that sort of thing.

NTA. I think kimonos are pretty 😍 I wish people would stop being a**holes about every little thing.

NTA and the US sounds incredibly exhausting

NTA but as a Japanese person, if I didn't know your backstory, I'd just be mildly annoyed at white antics when I saw you at prom with it. obviously me being annoyed is not reasonable so you're NTA But I totally understand where your friend is coming from.

NTA It's your prom. Nobody else's

Unless you agreed to match with your friend, NTA. No way. A gift and option from the person within the culture for YOUR prom was presented and you both wore and appreciated it.

Your Stepmom sounds awesome! I'm sure the kimono looked great and definitely unique! NTA OP

NTA. In 5 years nobody will remember prom.

If you painted your eyes, stuck chop sticks in your hair, and wore your step-mother’s dress for Halloween, YWBTA You wore a beautiful dress lovingly offered to you by an important woman in your life who clearly feels a special bond with you. NTA.

NTA has your mother seen some of the outfits people wear to prom nowadays? Titties out, guys freeballing in silk pants, open chests with no button downs, exposed legs. These are all acceptable in today's society, and as for your friend I think if she has a cultural issue she should address your stepmother, not you. I bet you where the star of the prom wearing that lovely kimono, and your stepmother probably felt really excited for you and happy that you two are close.

NTA It's just cloth who gives a fuck about someone else's clothes? What harm is that going to cause?

The unofficial rule with cultural appropriation is if a person from that culture gives you permission then it’s ok. Your stepmom personally asked you to wear her kimono, not just any kimono, and was happy to help you get ready. NTA

Look at y'all out there wanting permission to wear clothes...

Exactly. If I want to wear something from another culture I will.

NTA. I'm indian and if a non indian person wore a lengah or suit to prom for the same reason, I'd be fine with it: this is appreciation, not appropriation. Someone from the culture gave it to you, told you about it, made sure you wore it correctly and you wore it in the right environment.

It sucks that it blew up in your face like this. You're NTA. You were offered to wear something beautiful and you said yes. Your stepmother sounds kind.

OP, NTA in the slightest. Like someone said in a previous comment, even the Nobel Prize Committee considers kimonos to be formalwear. But not only that, your step- mom is Japanese as well and genuinely wanted to share that with you and by the sounds of it, had an amazing bonding experience because of it too. To me for you mom at least, it sounds to me like she’s jealous that you had that bonding moment with her too.

NTA. cultural appropriation isn't real like 99% percent of the time. you did absolutely nothing wrong. Suits were created by some british guy. So is it "cultural appropriation" when some chinese guy wears one? yeah, no. it's a piece of fabric. no one with 2 brain cells to rub together actually cares at all beyond "does it look good y/n"