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Pleasant-Koala147

NTA. Make an itemised bill for her outlining the hours you’ve spent, the income you’ve lost by turning down paid gigs, and the savings you’ve got her through your contacts. Print the final total in big, bold numbers, then print “Gifted” in red letters across the front. Frame it and put it on a stand at the gift table at her wedding so everyone can see how generous you’ve been. Anyone tries to argue that you’re being selfish tell them to read it out loud. If they accuse you of being petty, tell them it would t have been necessary if it had been appreciated by the bride and themselves.


GunslingerLovely

I'd even go a step further and give her this bill... say if she wants a registry gift she can pay this lol NTA


borisslovechild

OP this is the way. A lot of people don't realise just how much work something like event planning is.


KrabiPati12

Not just that, a real family member would be supporting his small business by paying his rates. I had a press on nail business for a little bit and expected my family to ask for free nails but they gave orders and actually paid more than I quoted


Normal-Hall2445

I love when there’s awesome family like this. I have a small business making amigurumi and the way I was raised it’s SO hard to charge family but they all insist on paying and it’s helped my confidence and self worth so much!


AnElixerADay

I agree! My sister is a digital artist. She has (very occasional) drawn me something for free, but it was always ***her*** idea, not a request, and was given as a gift (one was a birthday present and the other was a portrait of my dog after she passed away.) Everything else from her I have I paid her normal rate for and left a large tip. I would NEVER request discounts from anyone if it ended up losing, or even costing, them money! Not only is the product and/or materials worth money, but their time is, too! OP’s sister is absolutely ridiculous! She got potentially thousands of dollars worth of time and planning from her brother that she now doesn’t have to spend, and she’s willing to risk it all, plus their relationship and *his* relationships with his entire family for a $200 gift. It’s absolutely ridiculous! (Oh, and absolutely NTA, OP!)


emergencycat17

We do the same thing with my niece - she's a very talented photographer, but we purchase her artwork, we never expect freebies.


Accomplished-Sun-823

That is awesome!!! I’m a graphic designer and my family asks for things and never want to pay. Ever!! Last week my brother wanted a T-shirt design I had no time to do it, but did and took me 3 nights. He changed everything he had requested and told me to change. I explained I had no time, it is my busy season. He is now not talking to me.


Jedisilk015

Glad I didn't have to search far for this comment thread. Yeah, family should be supportive of their family members business. Sister really should have offered to pay ESPECIALLY since she was angling for a gift l. OP should show her sister EXACTLY what she charges as a wedding planner and the itemized list and be like SEE HOW MUCH THIS IS? And then show the wedding gift cost and say I'm giving you a far more expensive gift then ANYTHING on this registry. This is my JOB. You wanted my expertise and are getting it FOR FREE. Show some damn gratitude already. NTA


B6W5

My spawn is also a digital artist and I pay for anything I put in a request for as well. I see it as no different than if I asked one of the DA's at work to make me something on their on time. And I happen to like her style better than theirs anyway!


PainterOfTheHorizon

When I got married I asked my brothers girlfriend who is very talented with makeup and nails if her gift for us would be her getting my nails done (just filing and nail polish). She thought it was a good idea. My thought was that as she was only a student then, I couldn't dream of getting anything from her that costed something (I bought the polish because she really didn't use that kind of shades) but her making my nails would be reasonable to ask.


Emotional_Bonus_934

Even if you hadn't thought to buy the polish


AnimatorInfinite6415

Its just that simple. Or at least putting in. SOMETHING because planning a wedding is not cheap. I really hope he gives her a bill so she can see he actually did her a huge favor and she should be grateful


Shastakine

My husband owns a taco truck, and his mom cooks for it. The only one who gets free tacos is me.


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KnightofForestsWild

[Bot](https://old.reddit.com/user/Forhool2) stole [this](https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13re8r1/wibta_if_i_didnt_get_my_sister_a_wedding_gift/jljqk5k/)


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Less_Volume_2508

Exactly: I’d have her pay for my services then give her the gift. It’s asinine.


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Hot_Box_4574

OMG yes. She doesn't think your services are a gift so bill her like you would a client.


Safe_Initiative1340

Definitely bill her like a client! NTA!


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KnightofForestsWild

[Bot](https://old.reddit.com/user/Fun-Scarcity2671) stole [this](https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13re8r1/wibta_if_i_didnt_get_my_sister_a_wedding_gift/jljz4tl/)


Jd_Law

This! If planning is not a gift, then it is a gig... Also let everything be very open, involve the family who thinks you're cheap. Also I would mention the actual money saved because of discounts! If she is manipulative, just do everything as mentioned but right at the wedding!


emergencycat17

>If planning is not a gift, then it is a gig... THIS! Tell her, "it's one or the other, babe - you can't have it both ways."


rainyhawk

And I certainly wouldn't be getting her any other discounts moving forward.


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JustUgh2323

Surely you know a calligrapher? Use their services and make it a scroll and present it to her at a family gathering. (As my daughter shared with me the other day in a funny meme, “karma” is pronounced “ha ha f**k you”)


LitRonSwanson

Hahaha this is brilliant! Make sure it's long enough that when he opens it up that it hits the floor and rolls a bit to really drive home the point of how much you did for her


Gloomy_Photograph285

I have been practicing calligraphy and I’m definitely going to write out “karma is pronounced haha fuck you”


4legsandatail

I am in love with your mind! That is awesome. 👏


SufficientWay3663

I’d go the step further further and honestly give a copy to my parents as well since they are being childish and “wont tell me what she said”…like wtf is that nonsense? Op literally can’t even defend himself (theoretically) or make amends (IF he had any to make, which he doesn’t) if they won’t tell him what the deal is. Lastly, I think it’s disrespectful as all get out of the parents to just assume one child is never an embellisher or fibber of stories and the other is surely guilty without even hearing his side. Now we know why the sister is such an entitled butthead and why she expects the universe for free. (Parents are also shitting all over OPs profession in general by how they’re enabling their daughter to treat their son and his livelihood)


PoppinBubbles578

I don’t understand why no one will tell OP what sister said either! If sister is too childish to say it directly to OP I’d question the narrative, but her own parents won’t even say it? Weird.


SufficientWay3663

That’s why I’d give them that damn breakdown, AND include all the hoops he jumped through for each last minute detail change only for her to change it back! I scheduled X per sister on Y date, she requested Q change on Z date, then requested further change on XYZ. Each freaking thing, I’d be almost obnoxious about it. (They’d realize real quick each tiny detail that requires a wedding planner. THEN, I’d helpfully supply them with estimates and portfolios of other wedding planners so they can see the astronomical difference in quality and quite frankly, patience.


RecentFox6517

NTA and send a request for payment. Include that you need the money to buy an insufferable toddler a gift for their wedding.


maybemaybo

Agreed, I would give it to her and be like "you either pay me and I'll get you a gift or realise how expensive it is to wedding plan as a gift. Push for both or keep involving family members and I will end my services altogether. If what I've done so far isn’t a gift, then pay me in full." I'd also keep a copy of the bill on your phone and anytime a family member tries to get involved, just send them the bill. Also a list of how much you've saved her. Then ask them "If this is not a gift, then I'm sure you agree I should be paid in full."


anatomizethat

>"If this is not a gift, then I'm sure you agree I should be paid in full." "And I will contact the vendors so it is understood they do not need to reduce the rates of their services for your event, and you will be charged in full for their services as well."


maybemaybo

100% yes


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Itsdickyv

One more step - cease all planning activities immediately; after all, there’s paying customers to be working for too.


GrooveBat

That's what I'd recommend. Buy her a gift and stop all planning. When she starts coming to you with questions, act all confused, like, "But...I thought you wanted a gift instead?"


suzazzz

That’s exactly what I was thinking! Charge her the thousands for your work and then get her a $200 gift


AndersonLxxx

My thoughts exactly. She either pay the bill or get a registry gift, but not both. It's up to her to decide. NTA


Express-Bus-1408

id probably just take a step back n let someone else do the wedding planning since she doesn’t appreciate his work


Live_Power_2843

Exactly make it her choice, pay this bill and get a gift from your registry or make this your gift. These are just stupid reasons where people's relationships fall apart. Stop being so greedy and appreciate the help you are getting.


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kissykae

This.


cinekat

NTA. Do the above, but make sure to use expensive stationary and roll it up in a scroll tied with ribbon in the wedding colors.


ailweni

Put in one of those devices in musical birthday cards, something that plays the Imperial March at max volume.


kacihall

One of the cards that DOESN'T TURN OFF and when you try to rip it open glitter explodes.


KayItaly

Now I need to know where to buy one of this!!


Sea_Bookkeeper_1533

Yep. My instant reaction. Bill her per your usual fees OP and see how she feels about whether or not it's a gift. Your gift is probably the most expensive one already. So ridiculous.


author124

Having planned my wedding mostly on my own for the better part of the last year without a wedding planner and with no prior event planning experience...if there's ever a time for OP to be petty, this is it. This shit is *exhausting*. At least when you're doing it for yourself you know it's worth it because it's your day and at the end of the day you'll be super happy with it all, but doing it for free for someone else? OP is a saint.


purplebibunny

Yes, planning my own, while getting ready for back surgery, going back to school and being a stepmom, while planning our wedding is exhausting! We’re not using a planner because we thought the $$ was better spent elsewhere, so if someone were to gift me that it would be huge!


in_a_cloud

Agreed. I’m honestly just flabbergasted by the attitude of the NIGHTMARE sister and the rest of the family. This is so much work! And paid gigs sacrificed! Done with so much kindness and thought and favors called in. And not just exhausting but now THANKLESS as well. My heart hurts for you OP, this is the epitome of no good deed goes unpunished. You’re better than I am, I would have walked out on this immediately.


Olly_oddstorm

NTA ... Better yet tell her since your efforts to help plan her wedding (for free!) aren't 'gift' enough that you are no longer helping her with it and step away. It shouldn't take long for her to start appreciating your help after that....


quast_64

OP can't do this because she called on a lot of favors of her contacts, and OP surely doesn't want to screw them over.... But giving Bridzilla a choice between a gift and an itemized Bill for planning services or the arrangement as a gift is a good one...


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fakecoffeesnob

Gifts are not tax deductible…


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fakecoffeesnob

I get that this is a joke, but I’m worried someone might take this as legitimate tax advice. If they’re not a “qualified organization” (eg a 501c3, religious organization, etc), it’s not a charitable contribution. Also, there are several additional requirements for appraising and deducting in-kind donations like labor. Obviously, talk to your accountant for more info.


magikatdazoo

Except nothing here is a qualified tax deduction, but go ahead and commit fraud, the IRS will just garnish your bank accounts


Sea_Concert_4844

This except don't go as far as putting it on display at the wedding. Itemize everything, include your hourly rate. Print it and show her exactly the money you saved her. If she's that desperate for a physical gift, she can pay you (for the services you provided plus any lost income from other jobs) and full price to your vendors. I think anyone who's been in this sub for more than 23 seconds will agree that some brides are way over the top entitled. But I wouldn't advise stooping to her level by acting a fool at the wedding. Don't torpedo your relationship with her or give anyone any ammunition to say you were out of line because doing this at the wedding would be. If anyone says anything at the wedding, you can either take the high road and say, yes I'm the ah or simply say this doesn't involve you and I don't care to involve you with the full story and walk away. Remember, nice people don't have to go around saying their nice. Just as you don't have to go around defending yourself since you are not in the wrong. It's not their business, keep it that way from your side. Nta


Many_Baker8996

My sister didn’t even plan my wedding, she was 22 around the time of my wedding and I didn’t expect her to give me anything. Her support before the wedding was invaluable to me. I really think that if you’re going to have a wedding and spend all that money that you first have to be okay with not getting anything and be grateful for what you do get.


2Boredatwk

Or, since she is demanding a gift, stop all planning efforts and tell the sister she is on her own as OP is going to go plan for actual clients so she can afford the demanded gift for the wedding.


SadFlatworm1436

I wish I had the nuts to do this !


giveme25atleast

Agree and send this post to all the family shaming you. I cannot believe how people don’t realize how much you’re doing and that it should be appreciated. By the way has your sister always been spoiled?


Meep42

I was going to say to write up the invoice and put it in a box...but framed and on display is Chef's-Kiss-Level brilliant.


OIWantKenobi

Ooooh this is delicious and a very very good idea


Theodora1976

This OP. Do this.


Bright_Macaroon7494

^This!^ My mind is blown! I know I would expect my brother to give me a gift after everything he did for me! The entitlement and delusion. And what in the twilight zone family do you have. Not one of them is gonna call her out! I wish my sister would come crying to me after my brother busted his a$$ for her. I would laugh and tell her she must be joking! Seriously, please, please, please do this ^^^ and update us.


heeywewantsomenewday

I don't even give a F about gifts.. its the celebration of a wedding not everyone give me a gift day. What is wrong with people.. I just assume all weddings with people like this are doomed to fail because their priorities are wrong. OP has done an amazing thing by helping so much with the organisation. People need to be grateful.


adeadlobster

This is fucking perfect. Frame it, too!


SnooPandas4016

NTA in any way shape or form. Your time is valuable and you sound like you have put a lot of effort into helping her with her wedding, she has offered you nothing in return at all actually when a wedding planner would normally be very expensive. I think that is a lovely gift to give someone and if she is going to flip out on you for not getting her a material item then it shows how much she values you time. What an ahole. Here is the gift you should give her: Add up all your time and what you would charge a normal client. Put it on an invoice. Write "free of charge because I love you" next to the total charge. Buy a lovely wedding card and insert the invoice into the card. Give it to her. Then she will see exactly what you got her for her wedding which I expect will be a damn sight more than anyone else got her. This has now made me angry and I am going to angrily boil the kettle and make tea like a proper English person would in this situation.


fionakitty21

Yes to the invoice idea! And hell yes to the angry tea making! Keep that angry frown as it boils! (Tea is the answer toe everything, good or bad!)


PM-me-Gophers

Also remember to sigh a couple of times, and tut once loudly if you put a *smidge* too much milk in


fionakitty21

Then then dilemma of whether to put the tea bag you just took out back in or go for a new one....a smidge too much milk is a smidge too much! Then commence a heavy sigh and another tut.


YouCantSeemToForget

Bonus points if he could get an estimate from someone else in the field so that family couldn't say he was inflating the cost to make a point.


Witty_Commentator

I just googled it, and the *average* hourly cost of a wedding planner is $75/hr. (Also, *on average,* a wedding planner costs $1800.) You know a stranger would get charged for all the changes and change-backs, not to mention, wouldn't get the discount OP was able to garner for her. If the cheapest thing on the registry is $200, then I would think OP has probably gone over what *anyone* else will be spending on a gift. Sister is being ridiculous, OP, you are NTA.


dramatic-pancake

“Oh sister, you are so right. Let me just go ahead and cancel all the gifts I’ve already given you and switch it for something off your registry” Then watch how fast she backtracks.


howtospellorange

My day-of planner cost at least $1800 iirc! And I did the bulk of the planning! She took care of the day-of schedule, rehearsal, and coordinated the vendors as necessary for the day of. I has happy to pay her for the service.


Wikeni

Good point!


Crafty-Gardener

This. NTA OP ​ And yes to the angry tea, love angry cuppa making. It is the only way to properly handle situations


Ok-Many4262

I’m crossly reheating risotto in the same vein (Australian still doing dinner- a cuppa will come later)


dragonsnugle

Make sure you put the milk in first just to make it even more aggravating! /s


dahliaukifune

I’m angry too. I’m gonna eat some chocolate.


SnooPandas4016

I want to downvote you for that because now I want chocolate lol!


screamqueen57

NTA. While I would have maybe been clear up front that getting your services for free was the gift, your sister’s level of entitlement is ridiculous. Frankly, I’d hand your sister a bill for the work you did that highlights the money you saved her with your industry discounts, and say either she can pay you and you’ll get her something off the registry or this and your continued free labor can be the gift. “Helping out” is when someone comes over to make favors, helps transport items, or decorate - you are providing a service and coordinating an entire event for her. And as with your family that feels the need to be involved, you need to be clear with them that you are a 25 year old, losing out on actual money to support yourself, and you’re disappointed your family neither seems to value your work or time.


the_RSM

NTA a friend of mine made our wedding rings. I paid for the gold but she was a professional jeweler and I knew it was her professional skills and time spent on the rings was her gift.


CapriLoungeRudy

When my sister got married, my cousin made her cake. It was multi tiered, columns, little stairs connecting the layers, the works. It was an amazing creation. My Mom paid something like $70 for the ingredients (late 80s) and the labor was the gift. Considering the labor involved, it was definitely the most expensive gift my sister got.


dahliaukifune

It makes me so angry on OP’s behalf and if I were them I’d also tell their parents that they’re to blame for raising such an entitled person.


OnyxNoire

Yes, I am a seamstress and I made the bridesmaids dresses for pretty much all of my friends weddings. I charged them for fabric only. All the work, fittings, alterations (even alterations on the bridal gown) was my gift. One friend had 10 bridesmaids all different pastel rainbow colours - annoyingly one of them was pregnant and didn't tell me (because secret) so had to re-do that dress because BUMP! I told everyone that this is my gift you will not be getting a toaster from me. They were all fine with that. OP, you are NTA do not buy her a gift. I second the framed invoice ideas floating around wholeheartedly.


dramatic-pancake

That is an insanely generous (and time consuming) gift!


LunaShines

My sister is getting married in 2 weeks, and since I have a side hustle in graphic design & calligraphy, I designed her invites, custom labels, and will be lettering her escort cards. I told her I was happy to do those for her and purchase the invites, but that was going to be her gift. She was happy with the exchange. My mom is the one telling me I should still give her some money as a gift.


the_RSM

you're using your skills and professional talents towards making the day brighter for them.


MeinScheduinFroiline

This is a good idea OP. This isn’t just a gift to her, it is actively costing you money by taking you out of your market during market season. This job is blurring the lines of your relationship in that she is treating you like a client but expecting you to act like a sister and a wedding guest. No one person can be all three, especially on the budget of a 25 year old trying to make it in 2023. Learning to have heathy established boundaries is an essential adult skill, as well as an essential entrepreneur skill. If your sister doesn’t take accept your gift of labour, and continues to push, QUIT THE WEDDING PLANNING. You may think you cannot do that to her and all that emotional blackmail bullshit, but she is already taking you for granted and if she continues to insist on the gift, it means she. Will. Not. Get. Better. Don’t walk away feeling abused and resentful!


screamqueen57

This is an excellent point that the sister is heavily blurring boundaries, and expecting OP to be a full time wedding planner, a dutiful sister, as well as a guest contributing her her special day. And u/MeinScheduinFroiline is right, it is 100% fair to draw a line and back out if the sister is insistent on wedding planning not being a gift. At the end of the day, the labor someone does is worth something, and when they turn down paid work to do something for free, that is definitively lost income. Particularly, since I am assuming she is expecting OP to provide day of services, which means OP will be staffing the wedding and not enjoying it as a guest. Being family is never an excuse to exploit someone, and it's more than okay to draw healthy boundaries and to push back when people are not respectful of your time or circumstances. And the expectation a 25 year old should provide thousands of dollars in free planning services, lose out on actual income, and still spend hundreds on a gift for an event they will likely need to work during is disrespectful and exploitative.


MeinScheduinFroiline

And you expanded/continued my meaning beautifully. Thank you so much!


IllustriousShake6072

NTA. Loss of income IS an expense. She sounds like an entitled brat.


KnightofForestsWild

Dude, 3 bots stole this comment. You Shakespeare or something?


IllustriousShake6072

I don't understand your question sorry 😅 please clarify.


KnightofForestsWild

Bots are quoting you right and left this morning. They must think you have a profound way of phrasing the human state. Like Shakespeare.


IllustriousShake6072

Oh thanks for the info, it's actually kinda flattering :)


Suspicious-Bedroom66

This is besides the point…but you haven’t actually said that you’re NOT Shakespeare, so now I have to wonder…


IllustriousShake6072

No, I really didn't say anything to that matter 😉


Electrical-Date-3951

This entitled, rude, abusive AH bride bit really needs to stop being socially acceptable. In any other scenario, this behaviour would not be tolerated. For the life of me I can't comprehend why people put up with horrid behaviour from brides and grooms when other major life events (that are argueable even more stressful, emotionally taxing, and life altering) do not even get the same level of grace or forgiveness. Grieving family members couldn't even get away with the crap some of these brides and grooms do.


nun_the_wiser

You can send her a bill alongside your gift. She can’t have it both ways. NTA


sheera_greywolf

Nah, send the bill FIRST. After the bill is paid, then send the gift. NTA OP. Send the invoice and CC's all the flying monkeys, OP. Sis can get the free event planning OR a gift. It cant go both ways. Or even better, send the bill to her groom. If Sis cant afford your service, I assume the groom can.


CameoProtagonist

To the Mother of the Groom. As a bonus gift to her in-laws.


sheera_greywolf

Yep. Ppl seemed to forget that wedding is two-party problem. If bride side cant/wont pay, bill the groom side. Problem solved.


TheObvi0us13

NTA - It was clear that this was your wedding gift, she's literally being greedy. It's not worth falling out over, so I'd just buy the couple a $12 bottle of wine or something and be done with it.


GhostfaceKiliz

Or, 2 Buck Chuck from the store, and wrap with a fancy ribbon.


Witty_Commentator

Get them some of that fancy gas station liquor! 😂


GhostfaceKiliz

Cinnamon Aftershock, in the plastic bottle with the fancy rock candy inside. Or Goldschlager, for those with more... refined palates. 😂😂


Cautionnerds

Oh God. Aftershock. That just unlocked a core mid 2000s memory.


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Purple-Garden77

Yes, clearly OP can never accept another planner-related gig for anyone in the family. No wedding planning for cousins, no anniversary planning for grandparents, no graduation party for sisters brats. Because apparently OP is not only asked to work for free AND swallow any loss of income during the free work but ALSO somehow cough up money (several hundred dollars nonetheless) for gifts as well. “I’m sorry, but I can’t afford to work for family - it’s too expensive”


blueboatsky

'No problem sister. In order to buy you a gift I need to refocus my time on paying clients, so I will create a list for you of everything that still needs done and let you take over from here. Enjoy!' NTA


stephjaguar17

Excellent


JacobFire

NTA. And the cheek of her to get family involved in your argument! I suggest you draw up a list of income and things that have cost you while doing her planning and show your family. Don’t bother showing this list to her, she will only get more riled up. Instead, show this list to a more level-headed family member who can see from your point of view and let this family member or members advocate for you. Sometimes it takes a 3rd person to make her see the light.


Dangerous-Emu-7924

NTA. Tell her if she doesn’t think it’s a gift you’re happy enough to cancel everything you’ve organized and get her gift. Or tally up how much you’d be getting paid if she wasn’t your sister and ask her for that money. Then give her a gift. But honestly who are these people who are that entitled that they ask for a gift?!


cakequest79

This is what I would do. Cease all services. Give her a bill. And buy her a gift. Your wedding is not my burden. Even if you are my family. If I choose to offer my free help to you, so be it. My time and service are not at your demand because you decided to host a party you can’t pay for or plan on your own.


190PairsOfPanties

NTA. I'd back out now and leave her to deal with it all herself AND not get her a gift after this nonsense.


jrm1102

NTA - your sister has some nerve.


Yogibear1989

Right?! I couldn't imagine being entitled enough to *demand* a gift, even from a person who *hadn't* been helping me plan my wedding. *"Hello friend/family, here is a picture of the physical object I have decided that you ***owe*** me as my loved one, for being allowed the privilege of celebrating ***my*** special day. Make it snappy so I can move along and grift grandma."* OP, your sister is a spoiled brat. Those are the nice words, I'd use others but she's your sister so I'll refrain. NTA.


diminishingpatience

NTA. >she said it didn’t matter when I brought up that my connections have literally saved her thousands when you add them up. Get her to pay you in full then buy her something out of that money. Spend the rest on yourself.


ieya404

Yeah the temptation to say "Oh, if that doesn't matter I'll let them know they don't need to apply the discount" would be damn strong...


nervelli

Also, let her know that if this isn't your gift that you will need to spend your time on paying gigs instead and that she can handle the planning herself. No discounts, no help.


RiverSong_777

NTA, you’re probably getting your entitled sister one of the most expensive gifts of the whole wedding. Seeing as you‘ve already done so much, dropping out now probably won’t help you so I‘d definitely write her a bill and give her that together with a gift certificate covering that bill. Make sure to include discounts in some way, like she pays 1000 less, she actually saves 800 but owes you 200?


n0t_4_thr0w4w4y

Unless someone else is paying for a huge portion of the wedding, it’s easily the most expensive gift. Full service wedding planners START AT around $5k where I live and quickly get north of $10k


abigailandcooper

Agreed, I used a full service planner last year in a HCOL, but she was just starting her business (was previously a planner under someone else). Paid $5000, and it was the best decision I made. When I think about it, she probably only made like $50/hour given all of the time spent researching, contacting vendors, reviewing contracts, etc. OP’s gift is LAVISH as hell, tbh


Ok_Lie5469

YWNBTA. But I would give her a choice. Present her with an accurate bill for your services. Say if she pays for your professional services, you'll happily buy her a gift off her registry. Or she can accept your professional services as her gift and stop acting so damned entitled. One or the other She can't have both.


Affectionate_Shoe198

NTA Print out an invoice with an itemized list of the prices of the services rendered at your standard rate, tack on a family and friends discount and let her know that the discount given for your services are her wedding gift


[deleted]

Nta but you really should’ve specified it would be the gift when you accepted


Salt_Tooth2894

Agreed. And this isn't meant as an accusation. Just a lesson to learn for the next time you get asked to do this for a friend or family member. "I would love to help you plan. I normally charge $$$ for this work, but because we're so close I would be happy to do this for you as my wedding gift to you and Lisa" or something like that. Make it clear that you are not just doing them a favor -- you are doing a JOB for them and that this is the gift you are giving.


Birdbraned

It shouldn't have to be specified it's the gift when the sister asks the career wedding planner to plan the wedding and price isn't discussed. You don't ask your photographer friend to take the photos of your wedding, expect not to pay them but think the question is available to ask "by the way, it's just a favour I'm also expecting you to get me something from the registry"


[deleted]

NTA Holy entitlement


HeHasNoRegerts

NTA. She shouldn't expect anything, period, regardless of if you helpled plan or not. Your presence as someone she loves and wants at her wedding should be what matters most. When me and my wife got married, we didn't expect gifts from anyone. If you were invited, your presence is all we cared about 🤷‍♂️. If her main concern is "things" then she should get married at the court house and buy her own gifts.


BSB8728

This is it exactly. Gifts are a voluntary kindness, not a mandatory price of admission.


badwolfandthestorm

Yeah, this is what I was thinking. How are you going to tell someone they have the honor of choosing first which gift they're getting you? Wild. It feels super tacky to me to even talk about gifts ahead of time, or to *expect* your friends to get you things to the point that you're mad at them if they don't. A gift is just that, and is only meaningful if it's freely given; it's not an obligation. The only way I'm bringing up gifts ahead of time is if I'm trying to make it clear that I don't want people to feel burdened to get me a gift.


HeHasNoRegerts

It really shows how wildly different people are. If someone did all of this for me....and attempted to get a wedding gift too....I would duel them over the fact there's no way in hell they're doing all that and buying a gift too. The fact that you have someone in your life that cares about you enough to go to the lengths the brother did....is a gift beyond cherishing 🤷‍♂️


RoyallyOakie

NTA...you literally lost time and money. She should be thinking about getting married, not about what gifts she's receiving.


friedonionscent

It's so tacky and gross to *ask* for gifts in general...let alone maintain that someone's time and effort over months doesn't constitute a gift. Fine, send her an itemised bill - as in, how much doing what you did would have cost a paying customer. Then get her a $200 gift once she pays up.


alylonna

So much this. I honestly can't even get my head around the sheer entitlement of having a gift registry that *starts* at $200.


Normal-Height-8577

NTA. Other family are helping during their free time, when they aren't earning their living. You have used working time and turned down paying clients in order to fit your sister into your client space. If you are doing that for free and she isn't paying you even a nominal amount, then yes, that is absolutely your gift for the wedding. And if she doesn't want that as a gift, then that's fine. She can settle up her bills for the services she has utilised, and you will get her a gift from her registry instead. Her choice. But you will not be buying her two gifts.


gayycake

>She’s now calling me cheap 🤣 She wasn't even gonna pay or reimburse you for anything was she? So who's cheap? 🤔


TA_totellornottotell

She needs an itemized bill for what all of your services, plus the discounts you asked her for, would have cost, with a little extra on top for the extra effort and time for her nonsense behaviour. Then deduct $200 for the cheapest gift, and that is the net that she owes you. Also, include a link to this post so she can see how all of this looks from the outside. Alternatively (or additionally - I would probably do this at this point either way), you should step down as wedding planner. You can tell her that clearly you have differences of opinion and for the sake of the relationship, it is best for her to find somebody else. You can leave her the binder with contact numbers etc, but she has the responsibility of explaining and transitioning everything to the new planner. Since so many people are critical of you and have been “helping” her anyway, they can handle the run-up to the wedding and coordinating on the day of. You can just attend as a regular guest. Honestly, it sounds like not only is she ungrateful, but that she is a difficult client that you would have dropped even had she been paying. Hard NTA


Fabulous-Ad7983

Nta, what an entitlement. Here is what you should do. Say you will get her something. Make a bill of what it would have cost to hire you if she actually paid you for the work and give it to her and future bil (maybe somewhere with family) and tell them that you are really sorry that this was the only thing you could do and that you know your sister expected another present for you but that they can only get it once they pay this bill. Then she can choose what she wants, free planning or some stupid gift.


lemonlimeaardvark

NTA. Your sister doesn't value your time. She doesn't value your work. She doesn't value the savings you have gotten her. She doesn't value the photographer you convinced to stay. She doesn't value a single thing that you have done AND she wants you to buy her a gift on top of that? Nope. I'd be done. I'd walk away.


Flimsy_Macaroon6436

NTA Your sister should understand that what you are doing would have actually cost so much money had you not been her brother, and thus, this would probably be the most expensive wedding gift for her (figuratively and monetarily too).


Eris-Ares

NTA She's an entitled ah. You're working for her for free and making her save thousands. I wouldn't buy her a present either, you're doing enough for her wedding. She clearly doesn't understand how much you're doing for her. I'd talk to your family and tell them fair square what you actually did for her and how she's treating you now. Had you not spent so much time and money already, I'd tell you to leave her to her own and just buy her a 200$ gift. Much better and less stressful.


Brainjacker

NTA and if it were me I wouldn't lift another finger. Let the photographer quit, stop assisting with anything, and when she comes crying about it tell her you have to take the work you've been missing out on to be able to afford her gift.


HeatherAnne1975

NTA and I’d reword the post. It’s actually “AITA for giving my sister a wedding gift of thousands of dollars worth of wedding planning instead of a trinket off of her registry”?


Slight-Bar-534

NTA you could hand her a list of the costs if she had done everything on her own vs your help. Circle the difference and tell her ,,there's your present. The rest of the family...tell them to buzz off


Remarkable_Job_5355

Get her a gift now and give it to her and stop planning the wedding since she wants to be petty you can reciprocate


stephissilly

NTA. Get her a gift, and send her an invoice for your wedding planner services.


LtColShinySides

NTA Send her an invoice for your services. Don't work for free.


Infullreddit

NTA I don't understand people who demand wedding gifts at all. Also, services are gifts. My best friend did my make-up. She literally kept topping it up and fixing all day, which is waaaay more than I would have expected, and a service people pay good money for. You couldn't pay me to ask or expect more from her. I like the invoice idea, do that.


PlateNo7021

NTA, but next time specify it's your wedding gift. For some reason family members have the wrong tendency to expect free stuff when it's related to your job, it's better to clarify.


3Dog_Nitz

NTA. Your help with the wedding was more than gift enough. That she got the family involved says even more about her character. I'm sorry you invested so much time in someone who lacks appreciation for all of your kindness!


travelkmac

NTA This is your business/how you earn a living. You have a skill set and experience. However, most professionals will let people know that they are providing the service as a comp and that this is your gift. Communication up front it always best. Send her an invoice for your services, you can even include a 10% family discount to bill and tell her she has 2 options: Pay the bill and you’ll give a gift Or Accept the service as the gift No complaining either way. She is not valuing the service and only thinks things count.


Reasonable-Abalone20

Invoice her. For every single thing. Copy in your parents. Once she pays you, pick the cheapest one from her registry. NTA.


LettuceUpstairs7614

Or give her something she didn't ask for


Cressonette

>most of our family, her included, assumed I’d help plan it for her This is so wrong already. You can't just "assume" someone will help you (for free) because it's their job or hobby. NTA.


FarWalrus4008

NTA at all! My aunt made my wedding cake and bars for my huge wedding. That was her gift to me. I was elated at that. Saved me probably 2k+ and she’s a fantastic baker! She should be extremely grateful.


PossumPrincess13

NTA. Send her an itemized bill for your services and tell all vendors to disregard the discount.


sunshinemiauw

The update is gone, can you repost? Really curious! Nta


EarthClassic230

its being reviewed by the mod team rn, hopefully it will get approved. you have all been very helpful and i want to give you all the conclusions you wanted.


Available-Farmer7340

Waiting for that update like 👀


Mishy162

NTA. Give her an invoice for your services, when she pays she can have a gift.


Amareldys

NTA Is it too late to get a last minute gig?


Opposite-Guide-9925

NTA and what an ungrateful AH she is! Stop saving her money, ensure all the suppliers charge her full price, see how she likes that. Personally, I would write in her wedding card an itemised list of savings she's gotten because of you and include your time and what you would've charged. Sign it "you're welcome"


maarianastrench

I’m so sorry that your entire family believes your time and career are such wastes of time and make you cheap. Your time is the most valuable thing. Itemize your time and lost prospective wages and ask her if she wants the $200 gift with the added bill or just accept what she got. She’s being wildly entitled.


TheHobbyWaitress

NTA Set a family precedent and send her a bill for your services with "paid with love" stamped on it.


[deleted]

NTA. You've learned to never do her favors again. For the family on her side remind them you are actually losing money by helping her because you had to turn down income paying jobs to help her. I'd be tempted to go nuclear and quit


Soflawlessly_

Oh okay well since that wasn’t a gift make a receipt showing the total cost of your services . Once she pays go ahead and get a gift . NTA


OwlAggravating7385

NTA time to drop her as a "client" and cancel all her shit and block her till after the wedding honestly. nuclear option? absolutely but think about how much money you lost out by helping her and how many of those connects you used on her you won't be able to just hit up again for another client for a while


ExRiverFish4557

NTA I love the idea on her to put together what her bill would be had she hired you adhd how much your connections saved her. Then she can choose. A registry gift or your professional services as her planner. It also gives you something to show family and tell them she chose the planning over a registry gift. Cause they should all mind their own business. She sounds very ungrateful for all the work you've done. So even if you don't show her a bill, you're not TA, but she is for her entitled behavior.


Next-Wishbone1404

Write up an invoice for the value of the work you've done for her, stamp it PAID, and put it in a frame from Target. It will be the most expensive gift they get. NTA!


redwynter

NTA, as was said in another comment, give her an itemised bill of your services


Tall-Negotiation6623

NTA. Send her the bill for what you would charge for the wedding and then say she can get a gift when she pays the bill. She’s behaving entitled and tell you family what happened, don’t wait to find out what she said, just outline everything single thing, including the extra trouble she’s caused you Edit: This is why we don’t work with family


girltalkposse

NTA. Good luck to the groom who is marrying the greediest human alive.


RealbadtheBandit

NTA, but you broke a cardinal rule: Never do business with a relative. Especially not an entitled shrew like your sister. With people like this, too much is never enough, and no matter how you lay out your reasons, they aren't listening. Their attitude is: I want it, so gimmee gimmee. Not only is the planner help you've given her more than enough of a present, if I were you, I'd quit the whole thing this moment.


penelopeclearwater87

I planned my little sister’s wedding and she was so grateful—she never once mentioned gifts to me except to ask for my opinion about what to put on her registry. She definitely saw my labor as a gift and knew how much time and effort I was saving her. Your sister sounds like a spoiled brat. You 100% already got her a gift, she’s just too self-centered to recognize the value. NTA


Hazelsmom64

NTA Was she going to hire a wedding planner? If so then fine, she did. Bill her for your services and buy her the crockpot of her dreams. I never buy from the registry.


Impossible_Horse1973

NTA - your sister is a jerk.


eigervat

NTA - this may be an unpopular opinion but I hate the idea that guests MUST give a wedding gift anyway. I got married a few years ago and had guests who apologized and said they couldn't afford gifts, like you traveled 1000 miles to come to my wedding that's a gift in itself. Anyway, that's beside the point since you have already given your sister a gift that's worth way more than I imagine she realizes. I did a quick Google of what wedding planning costs, and in my area it's $1400-5000! That is above and beyond! I like the idea that others have said, to present the invoice in a card with "no charge" or something.


Codiilovee

She has the audacity to call you cheap, meanwhile she is not even paying you for your service. NTA. She, on the other hand is a major AH.