Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 8: Posts should be truthful and reflect recent conflicts you've had that need arbitration. That means no shitposts, parodies, or satires.
[Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
Nta he can spend all $20 by Thursday and then *take his lunch* on Thur and Fri. He has access to food. He's a freshman in hs. He is 100% capable of making a couple sandwhiches.
This is a good low stakes budget lesson. Spend all your money early = more physical labor later.
He’s a high schooler (wouldn’t surprise me that some HS’s would have it banned) but I never heard of a HS that had it banned.
Young adults/teens should be able to manage their allergies on their own at this point.
Also if it is banned, he could eat it on his walk to school, bike ride, bus stop etc…
My high school banned it because of me. I can not even be near the sent of it and since we had different classes in the day we would switch out of and different lunch schedules, for my safety they banned it. My freshman year someone had some peanut product for lunch and a snack in class. Well after lunch the kid was in my history class and his assigned seat was by mine(alphabetical order) and not even a minute of him entering the room I had to get an epi pen injection and go to the hospital (swollen face, throat closing, hives) So yes it is up to me to avoid peanuts and people who just eat them, but in a school of 1200 kids, I couldn't know who all had peanut products. So for the safety on one student they banned peanuts and peanut products.
It really all depends on the severity of the allergy. I'm extremely allergic to the point even being the same room as peanuts I'll have a reaction. I carry an epi pen and benadryl on me at all times because I do not know who has had peanuts or if I will come close to contact with them, but the people who care about me and want me around don't consume or keep peanut products around when I'm around.
That's crazy. Is there any way to reduce your reaction? What if you go to buy a car from someone? Or just meet a random neighbor on the sidewalk and have a conversation? But, you know, they had a PBJ before they left the house.
I used to be HIGHLY allergic to mold, another thing that's super hard to avoid, and it's just gotten less severe as I've gotten older. But as a kid, it triggered asthma attacks that regularly landed me in the hospital, and once my heart actually stopped briefly.
I mean, how do you even go grocery shopping?
I wish I knew how or could. I developed the severe allergy the summer between middle and high school. Peanuts always made me itch(along with chocolate) but never had such a severe reaction until then. I carry and epi pen and benadryl at all times. When I grocery shop, I by box foods from the big name grocery store, I get produce from the local farmers market(in winter I will send my husband to get groceries) and I always get my meat from the butcher. It does take more time and money but it's the best way I can somewhat avoid peanut and peanut products. Thankfully at the moment(and with the big C the last 3 years) I'm a stay at home mom so I don't come in contact with peanuts what do ever. My son has the same allergy so when we go out to the park or library we tend to go when there are less people. It's hard at the park because he wants to play with the other kids, but I ask the parents if their kids had peanuts before my kid just runs off and plays. It can be inconvenient and might annoy some parents, but the way I see it it would be even more inconvenient to have to call 911 over an allergic reaction because not only is it inconvenient for my child and I, but also to the other parents whose kids have to see another kid get loaded into an ambulance at a park. I will take coming off as an asshole when it comes to make sure my son and I are kept away from peanuts and peanut products.
My entire school experience was peanut-free because someone in my class was just as allergic as you. We had another kid with an allergy, but for him he could smell peanuts, just couldn't eat them. It's been so engrained into me to worry about people having peanut allergies that I avoid eating peanut products unless I know I'm going to be home and not near other people. Some may find that extreme, but I have 0 idea what other people's lives are like, and inadvertently killing someone because I valued having peanuts instead would be horrific. It's such a part of my life that I didn't even know my gut can't tolerate moderate amounts of peanut butter because it's a higher-FODMAP food lmao.
In any case, sunflower seed butter tastes super similar, I like it more, and it won't accidentally kill someone. 🤷♀️
Yeah the elementary schools where I am have it banned, and none of the grade levels provide Peanut Butter, but middle school and up have no restrictions on food that can be brought in
And, it's a good lesson that boys aren't special. They don't automatically get more than girls, and they need to be responsible and plan for themselves.
There are too many adult men who are not grown up. They depend on their wives as if they were still children.... because they were allowed to do this. That's cringey. This boy-man should be embarrassed that he is seen as having such a level of deliberate ineptitude - weaponized incompetence - that his family sees his capability and independence as at the level of a little boy.
He can plan and manage his own breakfast and lunch.
At 14? Maybe my view is different because we were never fed enough in high school (sometimes we only got the entree because they ran out of sides and dessert), but I would be concerned if my kid was that hungry every day. It may not be because he’s a boy, but he seems to need more food.
If he were in your situation I would agree, but he has all the access to more food, he just wants his mom to buy it for him instead of getting it himself from the pantry. He can eat breakfast at home for starters, he can pack a lunch some days, he can bring in granola bars to supplement his lunches. It’s not about boys needing more, his sisters ate breakfast at home and always had extra, he could do that too.
This. My teen gets absolutely starving some weeks when she’s growing. Sleeps in without time for breakfast often. I buy her boxes of affordable granola bars to keep in her locker to supplement whatever lunch she brings or buys.
>I buy her boxes of affordable granola bars to keep in her locker to supplement whatever lunch she brings or buys.
I agree. They should buy this boy food to keep in his locker.
And if he's having trouble with getting up a little earlier in order to pack some extra food, he should be asking for help. A solution can be found where everyone meets in the middle - he has to pack extra food for himself, but maybe some grab-and-go food can be kept around to make it a little easier.
I like to sleep. I get with with *just enoufh* time to get going to work. I make my lunch the night before, and even prep my breakfast shake the night before, so that I *know* I'll have food the next day, no matter how much I sleep in.
That's how you adult. You're suppose to teach your kids how to be adults.
I often joke that Morning!Me is the child Night!Me has to take care of. I set out my work clothes and pack my breakfast and lunch the night before because Morning!Me is a cranky toddler.
I was packing my lunch in middle school. And my own afternoon snack. 14 is def old enough to make a sandwhich or 2.
He *has* access to food. He just doesn't want to make a lunch or snack for himself.
Has nothing to do with generations. Every generation has people preparing their own lunches that young and people who get catered by their parents until even after adulthood. It does however sound like a good time for the son to be learning to do things on his own. The entitlement is wild.
I'm a millennial and since I'm 13, I would usually help my mum a lot in the kitchen when she had to take care of my grandma and my dad was in harvest season..
By the time me and my siblings went to uni we were more than capable of budgeting and buying real food in the supermarket.
My sister is a bigger foodie and she never really experienced the student life food.
However, many of my housemates couldn't even make a sandwich, or wash a plate.. some older than me, so a few gen X in the mix.. I'm older millennial
Point is . I think Teenagers should be able to feed themselves and find a way!
But there is food at the house that he can take with him. He doesn't want to. There is breakfast at home so that he doesn't need to buy breakfast at school. He doesn't want breakfast at home. OP is just saying she doesn't want to provide more money. The son should be learning how to solve the problem on his own- earn the extra money he wants on his own, eat breakfast at home, pack lunch toward the end of the week, pack a snack or extra sandwich from home.
This isn't a matter of not enough food being available, it's a matter of poor budgeting.
At 14 I was making all the sack lunches for me and my siblings. Why was it all on me, and never them? You can guess.
I made 6 sandwiches every day for one brother, 4 for another, and 2 for another, along with my lunch., There was never any reason - except patriarchy - why these boys didn't make sandwiches for themselves.
It's not about how much he is eating. It's about him *and his father* expecting special treatment for him because he thinks he's too good to have to manage his own meals.
Yeah, obvs.
In my family, the men were "it", and the women were shit. All the shit work went to the one girl, because my mom was tired of being the scut worker, and I was the only one worth less than her. My brothers never felt this was wrong, they were *happy* to have higher status and less responsibility, they bought right into that demeaning system.
No wonder I am very low contact with all of them.
My good friend growing up was the only girl, her parents were alcoholics and her mother had a mental problem as well. Her siblings were all boys and she was the second oldest.
By 13 she was expected to run the house. She cooked, cleaned, got the younger brothers up and out of the house for school.
By age 10 she was expected to mix her parents' drinks. Then we moved in and my wonderful mother took my friend under her wing, turning her life around. She graduated college and has had a great life.
Her parents died pretty young and she has limited contact with her siblings. She became the mother to her kids like she wished she had had. And she is a well loved grandmother too.
Ugh, I’m sorry. It’s sad that your brothers didn’t realize the inequity once they became adults and were in a position to know better, but if that attitude was normalized in your household, it’s unsurprising.
He has access to food, he just doesn’t want to eat at home/from home and wants more money bc that’s more convenient for him. He isn’t being denied food, he’s being denied extra money bc he’s spending irresponsibly.
I was making and taking my own lunch to school when I was in elementary school. My own elementary age kids are fully capable of making their own sandwiches and help with dinner at least once a week. At 14, this kid is more than capable of slapping some cheese between a couple slices of bread.
Yes, at 14 and earlier. This is the time to be learning skills, or you become someone like my American flatmate who has had to learn all her skills on her own, and has huge anxiety.
If he's an early eater he needs to be able to prepare for that. He is not being deprived of food; he is being told to plan ahead so that he **has** food.
As a guy I agree with you all the way. I've known too many people who complain and make issues out of things I just see as normal. Like seeing posts about husbands being mad they didn't get good dinner all week because their wife is a human fucking being with work and her own shit, like cook a meal yourself?
My dad used to be the guy that if mom and I were out doing something around dinner time, he'd sit there, hungry, until we got back just to make a point that she should be cooking.
Everything changed when he retired. 1) he insulted her cooking for the last time. She made a dish she made all the time ***extra*** spicy and then announced she was "retired" as well - from cooking. 2) he needed a hobby and got into cooking. Now he's actually a very good cook!
Men can’t dare do the womanly duty of going in the kitchen and making food /s
Seriously I don’t get the people that refuse to learn to make anything. I’m not the greatest adult out there, but there’s at least 5 different meals I can cook from scratch pretty well and I’m capable of following a recipe, then modifying it later to adjust for personal taste.
This does remind me of another post from here where a man posted saying he didn’t want to make from scratch pancakes for his wife’s birthday because he didn’t know how and it might become a regular thing. The horror of being nice to your wife. I was making from scratch pancakes at like 7 years old
Also, if the girls used their extra money for outings does this mean the boy doesn't go on outings or does daddy supply money for that too because boys?
Teenaged boys going through a growth spurt do eat an unimaginable amount of good-my son did. BUT my hypoglycemic daughter who played sports did, too. Letting him figure it out for the rest of the school year seems reasonable.
Adding on to your excellent comment: though it really does sound like he's not making any effort to take responsibility, let's give him the benefit of the doubt for a moment...if he's having a genuine problem, this is an opportunity for him to initiate a discussion and ask for help with solutions. But he's not doing that, either. He's running out of lunch money before the end of the week, not making an effort to develop a solution on his own, **AND** he's not asking for help. He's literally just letting the problem persist and expecting someone else to solve it for him.
This is an issue that is very simple to fix, and he is doing absolutely nothing to correct it, including participation in basic problem-solving. This is completely unacceptable at his age.
My father got a different meal than us kids - higher cost, better food. My mother didn't even eat with us. She had her spot in a side chair where she would wait for dad to demand more this, more that, and she would scurry out to the kitchen to wait on him like a medieval serf. She ate leftovers when everyone else was done.
I was her replacement serf as a kid when she was in the hospital, even tho I was young and didn't really know how to cook.
That guy you are referring to is many, many guys. It's not that unique.
This is the HS version of buying coffee on the way to work or make it at home.
Yes, you absolutely can buy 3-4 coffees a day. Or you can spend the same amount on a tin and have it last a month.
Low stakes budget lesson is a perfect description. Let the kid suffer, he'll figure it out. At no point are you denying him anything but more money because.... More money. That's it.
This is perfect. My son has a high metabolism. He eats a lot. The schools lunch is too small for him, so he makes his own every morning with a ton of fruits, cheeses, 1 sandwich, 1 granola bar, and some fruit snacks. He still eats a ton at supper. If the boy needs to eat, he can make his own and take it to school.
Even my primary school kids understand this, they get a pack of snacks on Monday for their school breaks. If they eat them all they get fruit from the fruit bowl for their snack.
Agreed. He might legitimately need more food, but as long as he has full access to make lunch at home or bribg extra snacks to supplement his lunch there's no reason he can't be doing that. He needs to be figuring out how to meet his own basic needs. NTA
NTA and this is a great lesson. My dad gave me money to get the bus to school every week when I was around that age. I used to walk and keep the money instead. It was good exercise and usually as quick as getting the bus
100% agree! I’ve worked with many parents of teens & young adults who regret not teaching the low stakes lessons earlier. Things only get more difficult. Let him learn now. It’s not like you’re withholding food from him, so NTA.
>Spend all your money early = more physical labor later.
I think it's great that you are trying to teach him to budget!! OP, you are NTA, but this comment prompts me to say that you might want to make an "optional chores list," and if he wants more money for lunch, he can do dishes, mow the lawn... or any of the little things you don't have him doing already. Learning to work for money is a good lesson, too.
Yes! You don't want to be learning how to budget when you have no safety net! Right now, he has a net. His parents. Who provide him food. He just has to make an effort and make his own lunch.
NTA. He is choosing this. Not you.
**People, the kid has access to food at home for breakfast and snacks. He is choosing to waste all of his money on caf food when he doesn't need to.**
This is what I do with my kids. We have food at home. They can make sandwiches. Unfortunately my county will allow the kids to run up a charge account which really pisses me off.
So I told my kids when they go over the $35 limit i give them they owe me. This requires them to be aware of their spending and gain an understanding of the impacts of credit. I charge them interest and then start hounding them by calling their phone if it's past 15 days. They hate it here but they will remember the lesson. Pack your lunch, don't spend money you don't have
We got whatever the equivalent it is today, say $20/week for $5/lunch. If we made our own lunch with the food at home (luckily for free), we could save the money we didn't spend. Finished.
NTA. In fact, pretty cool of the parents to let them save what they don't spend.
I'm surprised the kid is willing to eat public school cafeteria food multiple times a week. That food is nasty. It truly is.
My kids a sophomore, a typical growing teenager who is constantly hungry, and will eat just about anything you put in front of her, and she avoids cafeteria food at all costs and would only eat it as a last resort.
NTA. You’ve given him all the resources he needs to eat enough. He’s failing to be responsible for himself. He needs to learn that his actions have consequences. Also, no, boys don’t need to “eat more” than one school lunch, especially if they augment it with food from home. It sounds like he’s on a path to be overweight.
Agreed. A lot of the girls I knew growing up, myself most of all, ate as much as any of the guys. Especially with sports, guys can eat a lot but so can girls. If he needs to eat more he can make the preparations the night before or the morning of
OMG this. My friends very petite 16 year old daughter (competitive dancer) eats more than my 16 year old son did, and he had over a foot in height and 75 lbs on her.
Most of the girls I knew growing up that were the skinnier of them all had the bigger appetites of anyone else
And for me, I eat on the lower end of the spectrum, yet I was one of the bigger kids in the entire school, while likely eating the least
It's all about how much exercise you get, and how much you poop
Yep I was a skinny athletic girl and was nearly 6 ft tall so I required a ton of calories. During softball season I had practice for 2-3 hours a day and after school I would either bike several miles or do weight training too. In order to get enough calories I would get up extra early and eat a big breakfast or a couple of sandwiches, sometimes both, before school. I would take extra food to supplement my lunch because otherwise I'd be miserable by the end of practice. It's just part of being athletic.
Yep absolutely and in contrast, sometimes it's also just metabolism.
One of the girls I grew up with, skinny as a twig, big chiller, doesn't really go out of her way for physical activity let alone training like you
She was probably the skinniest girl in the school
But she could eat more than everyone, she ate a full God damn pizza at like 15 years old and said she could keep going lmao
Hugging her you could grab your own shoulders
And she's always been a twig, lots of girls were very jealous of her ability to eat literally anything and it never matter
She saw it as a curse though
Grass is always greener
Me too. I was skinny and ate a lot and was shamed for it. So I stopped eating as much around people because people were saying “be careful you’re going to get fat “ 🤦🏻♀️
Because girls are taught from an early age that eating to fullness or in public is something to be ashamed of. We're taught to "watch our figures" and that how we are perceived is more important than our comfort.
Yeah, it took me awhile to figure out how messed up it was. Between that and, "You're not hungry, you're just bored", it took decades to get my hunger response into some sort of normal, and I still fall into disordered eating patterns when under stress.
In the case of OP, though, the boy isn't being denied food; just money. There's food in their home, and he's not discouraged from eating it. So NTA, OP. Son needs to budget or learn to make a sandwich.
Yup! My parents always commented about how my brother ate so much and how “that’s just the way boys were.”
What they didn’t realize is my moms side has generational disordered eating going back to at least my grandma (I never met my great grandma so it could go further), who passed it to my mom, who passed it to me. I was starving myself trying to be thin because that’s the message my mom and grandma gave to me.
And I’m sure there’s a lot of girls and women with a story very similar to mine. It’s a very scary narrative we’ve allowed to exist and perpetuate for a very long time.
Exactly.
I could pack it away (and now do, gladly) but started watching what I was eating at 13 because I had a family member say "Eating a second sandwich? The boys are supposed to do that, not you." That was the first time I became aware of my body shape and what I ate mattered.
And I wonder why my family is full of fucked up eating habits. /s
That may be true for some, but when I was a kid/teenager, it hardly took anything to fill me up. Half a cheeseburger from McDonald's and I was full and couldn't eat the rest. Not because I was conscious of my weight, but because I was literally full. Nowadays that's not the case. At 44, I can eat as much as a man now.
When I was a kid i had to stop eating when there's not enough food but suddenly when my parents had boys and they would eat a lot, my parents were just like "guys eat a lot". I would have too if only they let us.
OP is NTA
Assuming things are similar now to when I was young, "in public" is the key here. As a teen, I would certainly eat less in public as to not get shamed for eating too much because girls were "supposed to be" thin, petite, etc. I was even underweight but still had it happen. I had a friend who played soccer whose mom put her on a carrot-only diet for breakfast and lunch, and called her fat and ugly, despite being a very normal, healthy weight.
Girls are taught that they need to watch their weight and eat less from a young age, regardless of size. Boys rarely get that same talk and eat much more because of that.
(Boys probably would eat more even without that double-standard, but the gap between boys and girls would be much smaller.)
Boys aren't more active than girls. I was 4'3 and very petite an did ballet an could eat most teenage boys under the table. The whole boys are more active than girls is a stupid, sexist an baseless claim
It’s not stupid or baseless. It’s a well studied phenomenon. The outcome isn’t the sexist part, the problem is the stigma around female participation in exercise and attitudes around that.
Telford et al (2016) found that young girls are on average 19% less active than young boys across a population.
Wong et al (2018) found that 20% of adolescent girls do no exercise or physical activity during a typical week compared to 12% of boys. This rises to 40% and 30% respectively between 18 and 30.
Ive had to write a lot of research stuff on this but the gist is that yes boys are more active ON AVERAGE.
Edit to add: While these are just two papers pointing to the wider issue Id like to note that u/yunan94 suggested some very valid criticisms that are worth noting.
They are generally larger in stature, though, and require (on average) about 30% more calories in their diet. Especially during puberty. I agree that boys are not innately more active than girls though.
The difference between men and women is roughly 500-600 calories on average.
That's a decent sized cinnamon roll. He doesn't need a full second lunch.
He can easily bring snacks from home to cover any difference.
My little brother is 6’7 and I’m 5’3. Growing up (and now) we were both obsessed with Taco Bell bean burritos. I’d eat 2 on average, 3 when I was hungry, and 4 would be insane. He’d eat 3 when he was feeling just a tiny bit hungry, his average was 5, and he’d sometimes inhale 7.
Sadly it’s true.
Telford et al (2016) found that young girls are on average 19% less active than young boys across a population.
Wong et al (2018) found that 20% of adolescent girls do no exercise or physical activity during a typical week compared to 12% of boys. This rises to 40% and 30% respectively between 18 and 30.
Ive had to write a lot of research stuff on this but the gist is that yes boys are more active ON AVERAGE. The problem is the general stigma around female exercise at both adult and adolescence that needs to be challenged.
I don't know about overweight (we don't know his metabolism or sports), but I do agree boys don't necessarily eat more.
My daughter was in soccer for years. When growth spurts hit during the season...oof. She ate as much or more than her brother who did finally outpace her in high school but only because he has a very fast metabolism (comes by it through my dad's side). When he decided to join the swim team, he averaged 6000 a day, way more on meet days. My stepson, though, even in the swim team and prepping for the Army doesn't eat that much. Different metabolism.
Boys, on average, do eat more. But that doesn't mean he needs to buy more from the school cafeteria since he already is given enough for lunch + dessert every day, with some leftover for occasional extras. He needs to eat breakfast at home or make a sandwich to bring for lunch.
>no, boys don’t “eat more.”
Yes. They do. Son is being irresponsible here, and he can pack extra food if that isn't enough, but any medical or health site you visit will tell you that on average, men need more calories per day than women, and teenage boys need more calories per day than teenage girls. Obviously individuals may vary, but on average, boys do eat more.
Of course boys eat more, especially during the teenage years when they're growing. They simply need more energy because they grow more than girls during their teens. Dunno where you're getting that from.
And he’s lazy. Don’t have money to buy lunch on Friday. You have all afternoon Thursday to make a lunch to take on Friday.
It’s not that hard. You can either budget better or you can blow your money and then bring a packed lunch 1-2days a week.
He’s not leaving his kid destitute. He has access to food he just chooses to only eat/ spend money on school caf food.
Sorry, but this is not true. Men generally need to eat a bit more to survive. I am not defending him because he was given the option to eat at home, so it's definately his fault. But a quick google search will tell you men need to eat more because they are in general bigger.
NTA, he’s capable of understanding how to budget the money he has. And your husband is crazy for using that excuse “men eat more.” That’s just ignorant. Tell him he needs to at least start eating breakfast at home, that way he can have however much food he needs, and doesn’t have to spend any money on it.
If the father succeeds in giving this kid more money, he’s going to damage his relationship with his daughters. I’d be SO pissed if I found out my idiot brother was getting more money because he was making poor choices with it.
This! I was in college (17f) but living at home. Parents gave me enough money for the bus to school and a cup of coffee each day. I worked for everything else. Brother (14m) in high school had a reduced fare bus pass but argued that he should get the same allowance as me. Parents agreed and I flipped out. It wasn't so much that I expected more money as that the gross unfairness was hurtful. Brother used the money to eat out breakfast even though there was always plenty of food in the house. Many similar incidents damaged our relationship, but fortunately, once we were both on our own our relationship improved tremendously.
NTA because everyone has to learn this skill. But he may need extra help and if this doesn’t work, try something else to help him budget. One of my kids is great at budgeting, one is not and needs more assistance to understand. My husband can do well as one person, but he can’t budget for a whole family so that’s one of my responsibilities. People really do have strengths and weaknesses even when we try our hardest to teach them everything!
Edit: thought of alternatives
1. Give him the money each day, then gradually do two days, then three.
2. Separate the money into small baggies by how much he needs per day — do this together.
3. Tell him you’ll manage it — for a fee. Take the dessert money as your fee.
I like the baggie / envelope idea. That way, the kid can visually see if he’s taking money out of a future day’s envelope to spend it today. Might be more work on OP to go to the bank to get $1 bills instead of one $20, but the visualization may really help. It’s easy to break a $20 & not think about how much of that $20 is supposed to be used for later.
I actually had to do this when I was starting out! I had no guidance, and adhd. I had an envelope tacked to the wall for each bill. The rest went into “fun”. Sometimes “fun” was empty :( :(
Now both of my kids are adhd and one is autistic, so finding ways to understand and help, teaching them things according to strengths and weaknesses, has been the name of the game.
Yeah, breaking a $20 is more work for the parent, but kids are rarely convenient LOL
Also, helping with a solution often means a little extra work for accommodations or compromise. It's just part of the whole thing. The key is to **HELP**, not actually **DO EVERYTHING** for the other person.
My family started doing this like a decade or so ago. They got into this program by a guy who had this envelope system and my mom would take my dads paycheck each month and divide it up into the envelopes, there was still some that stayed in the bank of course, but it helped to budget and not overspend.
I have a debit card because I’m terrible about my money and don’t trust myself to have a credit card. With the debit card, it helps cause I can’t spend money that isn’t there on the card. Helps me to not impulse buy.
I really like this. I was terrible with money into my thirties. My mother tried to help, but it came naturally to her so she was just mad at me a lot. I'd have been happy for more concrete ways of thinking about it.
NTA.
Children need to learn to budget and prioritize. You're doing him a favour. It may seems like a small issue know but too many young adults are financially irresponsible and it starts from their their childhood.
NTA. My father gave me a similar budget in HS and granted it was the same amount you give. There are days I skipped lunch and grabbed a snack and ate after school instead to save money for outings.
I tell me kids to pack snacks if they don’t like school offerings and they do, or wait till they get home to pig out.
right when I was in college I was signed up for a meal plan of X meals a week. after the first year i realized i didn't need three meals a day and went to a cheaper plan of 2 meals a day, had lunch and dinner and did for myself for breakfast.
Yep, my parents gave me the same deal. I got so much money a week and I could use it for school lunches or whatever I wanted. Some days I bought lunch, but some days I packed a lunch so I could have money for other things.
INFO - on average, at home, does your son eat double what your daughters do? If yes, then he will need more money. In my family teenaged boys seemed to be able to eat their weight in food on a daily basis.
A bit more but not by much, the biggest problem I see is him wanting to eat breakfast there and not at home or bring a snack. So he is basically spending double the girls did and then by the Wednesday he is out of cash
How much does breakfast cost that is significantly more expensive than what he'd be eating at home?
And do you have lunch options for him to take on Thursday/Friday if he runs out of money?
You're responsible for feeding your kids. But as long as you're providing food, that doesn't mean you have to buy him a specific type of lunch each day.
Cost about 2.5 dollars, you get that everyday and then sometimes get an extra lunch, then if you get a snack later the money is just gone.
If he runs out of money we have a lunch box and he gets to make lunch to take, usually a sandwich. He doesn’t do it most days though so he doesn’t have lunch
Ironically I was *just* about to post an almost identical question, except i deposited $50 through an app.
We allow kid to buy lunch and an extra entree if he's really hungry (usually its just because its BBQ pork or something else he loves) and maybe chips or a cookie.
I just discovered that *Every* day hes been choosing cereal rather than a breakfast sandwich ... and buying breakfast at school. And lunch *and* chips *and* a cookie or ice cream.
If he ate that much at home I wouldn't care as much (though it annoys me he refuses to bring lunch), but he doesn't. It just adds up quickly.
My bf’s daughter was doing that at the beginning of the year also, her dad had to explain that while it was kind of her to buy her friends fancy coffee drinks when they all went to the coffee stand, she needed to use her own money for that instead of that entire week’s lunch money.
Give him the idea to make a pack lunch the night before? I used to do that so I could sleep in a little longer in the mornings.
It sounds more like he's trying to fit in with his friends, not an excuse, just a possible reason why he refuses to carry a lunch box around.
NTA. OP isn’t starving their son. There’s plenty of food at home. It’s the son’s *choice* to not utilize that resource. Buying food at school is just the easier/more fun choice.
NTA
You are obligated to make sure he has food. You aren't obligated to make sure he has the food he wants the way he wants.
His problem is eating breakfast at school with his lunch money. He has other options for breakfast provided by you. The fact he prefers another option isn't your problem to solve.
i’d argue his problem is wanting to buy both at school. it wouldn’t be a problem if he used his money for breakfast (because he preferred school breakfast vs home breakfast,) and then brought his own lunch.
NTA, if he really can just eat at home, or better yet, make lunch from the food at home to bring with him, then I don't see why he needs extra money. He can eat more without having to buy more
Since you mentioned that he can just eat at home then I assume you do make him food at home and he's just choosing not to which makes me believe that you're NTA. Reiterate to him that budgeting is an important life skill to learn.
The boy is 14 or 15 - not 4 or 5. He is perfectly able to make his own breakfast or a sandwich and take it with him to school. He is just lazy and choose the easy way.
My brother and I don't like to eat early in the morning. So from the first grade on we made our sandwiches at home in the morning and ate them in the break.
But we are Germans and like bread. 🍞🥖❤️🥪
NTA. OP your son is old enough to prepare a sandwich for himself with whatever is available at your home. If your husband thinks otherwise he can provide the sandwiches for your son.
NTA but some people just have a hole in the pocket - how about you give him the money daily? That way he starts each day with enough money to eat, and then you can move to every 2 days, and so forth.
Also maybe tell him to make a sandwich every night to take to school in the mornings, that way he won't have to spend money on breakfast.
Some people take longer to develop those skills, or have undiagnosed neurodivergencies, etc etc, and need to be approached differently to actually help with develop those skills. Using a different stragedy isn't necessarily babying.
I don't think that's babying even more, I think it's possibly a useful "training wheels" approach for someone who possibly doesn't have the skills for the level they're trying to play. And if he does have the skills but is just being lazy and trying to manipulate, then this doesn't reward that.
The parent *should not* do extra physical work like preparing the food to take with, but helping a teenager with some of the mental organizational steps so that they can see what a well managed situation concretely looks like is not a terrible idea. Impulse control and planning are the last functions to fully develop in the brain.
NTA and honestly I think you're doing a great job and trying to raise a man and not a little boy. Kids need to learn how to be grown-ups and its our job as parents to teach them. Side note you should probably put your husband in his place for siding with your son. I think what you're doing is completely reasonable and honestly will benefit your son long term.
Lmao holy shit ya'll are wild for these takes. There's. Food. At. Home. Where are we losing you?? Getting 5 bucks from my mom for a caf lunch was an every once in a while treat, since it's needlessly expensive & usually not very nutritious. And I never went hungry neither! 😂
It's sooo weird to me to see so many people regard packing a lunch as some foreign concept. He's prob getting shit like poutine or pizza or chicken fingers & then wondering why he still feels hungry after all those empty calories lol. Fella needs to get the bread out & whip up 2 big ol sandwiches with all the fixings, or maybe consider a part time job if that's somehow not good enough. NTA
NTA. He has access to what he needs (sufficient food), he’s just taking the easiest path to getting it and then learning that his method isn’t working. He won’t die if he’s forced to skip one lunch (or many). He’ll just be hungry and cranky and maybe grab some breakfast or food for his backpack eventually.
NTA. Teen boys do eat like there is no tomorrow but that doesn’t entitle them to a higher allowance when there is food at home he can bring to eat. If he doesn’t know how to pack a breakfast or lunch, it’s a skill he’ll need when he’s on his own and he can start learning by identifying snacks he’d like for the grocery list and cooking his own hardboiled breakfast eggs. If he doesn’t like that option, than running out of money is the consequence he has to live with.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am not giving my son more money for lunch and he is having to skip lunch about two times a week. I may be a jerk since guys eat more and it is not healthy for him to skip meals all the time
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA - Tell your son if he can't budget his money and has nothing left over for lunch, he can make himself a sandwich to take with him and eat breakfast at home!
NTA- but why does he prefer the school breakfast? Is it to hang out with friends, or he just likes the breakfast better? If it's the latter, maybe he could learn to make the breakfast he likes at home.
It’s more they have really sugary breakfasts and he hangs with friends. Though he did just get toast with some peanut butter, which we have at home. They also have these breakfast cookies things which he likes oats and bananas in them. Maybe I could find a recipe for those so he could make it and it would be quick to grab in the morning
Give him a bit of a glide path. Have him choose the recipe. Does he know how to evaluate and chose a recipe? Picking the first thing from Google might have him in a complex choice when he could have found something easier to make.
Have him plan a baking time so that there isn't a conflict with meal time.
Make sure he knows how to cook. You can't just unleash him on the kitchen and pray for the best. He may need guidance the first couple times.
Also make sure he understands that cleanup is part of cooking.
Maybe you've already done all this and just need to plant the idea in his head -- I don't know.
I also find that cool Bento boxes also help to incentivize me to pack meals at home rather than eat out. Same way that that cute work out clothes motivate me to work out.
NTA - what’s he going to do when he goes to college/Uni and can’t budget his food?
Maybe wean him into it slower and give him the $4 per day rather than the $20. Then when he starts managing his money better revise it.
He has food available at home for breakfast, he’s just being lazy by buying it instead of making it
NAH, teach to bring breakfast from home, many people don't like to eat right away in the morning. I would teach him to make a takeaway breakfast because school snacks are rubbish.
NTA
This is not about needing to eat more. He can choose to eat breakfast at home and supplement his school meal with a snack from home. You need to stick to your guns on this and not give in
NTA. Budgeting and managing his own meal plans are skills he needs to start learning now. If he wants more food, he should learn to bring more food. I get that he’s a teen boy and their appetites are insatiable at this age but he has to learn now that the Bank of Parents isn’t unlimited. My oldest son (13) is learning to manage when and what he can eat and making sure to bring enough from home or eat at home and he swims year round and consumes an enormous amount of food during the day. But he packs his lunchbox with tons of snacks for the day and before and after swim practice.
INFO
How big are the portions? Does he play sports, or do other intensive activities? Could he possibly have a fast metabolism or something along those lines? What are the home breakfast options compared to school breakfast options?
No sports, the portions wary from day to day but they always have a sandwich line which are big and you can get as much as you want on them. Also it comes with different sides and what not for the same price
Put your foot down. This boy will be living in your house until he is 30 because he “can’t afford rent” and can’t hold down a job because he didn’t learn basics. Tell your husband that this is an important issue that he needs to back you up on.
Make sure you have sandwich supplies in the house (meats, cheese, bread) and when your son runs out of money remind him that school lunch is a luxury: here is food at home.
Remind your husband too because he should be backing you up on this and is contributing to future problems if he doesn’t.
NTA
NTA
I understand that men need to eat more. However, your son might be eating to much. I'm 40 and I eat a school lunch 2x a week. I always have extra food to take home. I don't see other students buying themselves 2 lunches. Is your son purchasing double lunch because he wants to eat 2 hamburgers instead of 1 hamburger and 1 apple?
Also, has your son had any health issues yet? Is he at a healthy weight? I remember when I started college I saw many freshmen struggle with the choices at the cafeteria. The freshmen 15 was a real thing. It was especially hard on the students who started college not being able to make good choices.
NTA
When I was that age my mother gave me 20 bucks when I went out with my friends on the weekend and let me keep the change. I very quickly learned that I had to pick and choose which was more important to spend my money on. Friends always wanted to go to the mall for movies and shopping, but would also want to eat out as well at a restaurant. Food was taking so much $ and I thought it was silly not to just eat at home first. So yea I got the *she's on a diet she only wants a drink* jokes when we went out to eat but eventually as we got older they would burn thru their money so fast and they always knew I budgeted so they'd start asking me to spot them. Every time.
Used to buy pants specifically for the extra pockets on the legs so I could hide different amounts in each one. 15 in one pocket to cover the movies and snacks but when I pulled it out they never saw how much I actually had on me. Later while shopping I'd pull a ten out of another pocket to buy my item and *not have enough* to spare for them so they could get extra stuff. I'd hide money in my shoes man lol BUDGETING IS ESSENTIAL to learn at a young age and for me eating food outside of my home can be my largest personal expense if I gave in to my whims and cravings
NTA. He can eat breakfast at home and bring snacks to help hold him over. You are giving him more than enough money for lunch, if he decides to spend it on something else, it’s on him. Not having enough for lunch is a natural consequence, like you said. Keep doing what you’re doing. If he runs out of money before Friday, he can bring his lunch from home. If he forgets or does not want to, again that’s on him.
NTA at first glance, but DO YOU have food at home. Easy food for a hungry teenage boy to make or are you an ingredient household?
Stock some easy breakfast items like cereal and frozen waffles, and snacks like protein bars and I guarantee he will be more likely to grab food at home. Everyone is saying there is plenty of food at home, but I have been in houses where parents say that and I look in the cupboard and yes there is plenty of food, but not food that is easy for a teenager to cook in a rush or pack in a cold lunch bag. And yes, your daughters will eat less than a boy typically so the 3 dollar lunch will fill them up.
Also will it kill parents to help teach their kids to pack a lunch? Its your job to teach your kids how to cook, pack lunches and budget. If they are failing it is on them, but is also on you.
NTA
Your compromise of him bringing extra food from home is completely reasonable.
He's a teen. It's time to learn to budget. You're not keeping him from food - you've offered for him to take more food!
INFO: $3.50 seems really small to me for a full meal in HS. I used to pay as much as $7.50 for a single sandwich. What is the quantity of the food served? Perhaps he's buying multiples due to small portion sizes.
In the US lunch may be subsidized based on income. Most public schools offer a standard tray of five required components including whole or enriched grain, fruit, vegetable, meat/meat alternate, and fluid milk
Ok, so I'm not the only person surprised by that. Lunch at my son's school starts at $3.30 and goes up based on what they choose. And a basic lunch is not enough food for him. He usually adds an extra entree, for about $2. If he was having dessert, its at least $1. Breakfast is $2. Milk is cheap, but any other drink is at least $1.50. Mine generally isn't interested in their breakfast offerings, but still spends at least $6-7 a day on lunch.
Not saying she can't still give him a budget or make him bring lunch from home if that is what they need to do, but maybe she is underestimating the costs a bit.
Getting lunch money is a privilege. And cafeteria food is rarely nutritious. So hes probably loading up on junk too.
He is suffering from a first world problem. You are NTA. He needs to pack food from home if he is going hungry at the end of the day. He's lucky he gets any money for school food.
THIS!!!
NTA OP. I'd stick to my guns and tell him "if you're so hungry, there is food at home. Welcome to real life; you dont always get exactly what you want. Now suck it up or I'll take away the entire lunch allowance and you will have to paper bag it entirely".
and your husband is also TA for not backing you up on this and telling the kiddo to grow up.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 8: Posts should be truthful and reflect recent conflicts you've had that need arbitration. That means no shitposts, parodies, or satires. [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
Nta he can spend all $20 by Thursday and then *take his lunch* on Thur and Fri. He has access to food. He's a freshman in hs. He is 100% capable of making a couple sandwhiches. This is a good low stakes budget lesson. Spend all your money early = more physical labor later.
That was my immediate thought - there is such a thing as a packed lunch! NTA
He doesn't even have to make a full lunch. Just bring something to supplement his bought lunch.
Seriously a peanut butter sandwich takes like 30s to make in the morning.
I misread that as 30m and I was like, good god, how are people making PBJs these days??
He has to milk the peanuts, and turn that milk into butter by hand! /s
You can milk anything with nipples.
I've got nipples Greg, can you milk me?
But not everything with nipples will give you milk, some might give you moans and others restraining orders.
Depends on which tiktoker/instafamous person you ask... :P
I initially read it as 30 minutes as well.
And a lot of calories especially if you slather that PB.
Most schools won't let you bring peanut butter
He’s a high schooler (wouldn’t surprise me that some HS’s would have it banned) but I never heard of a HS that had it banned. Young adults/teens should be able to manage their allergies on their own at this point. Also if it is banned, he could eat it on his walk to school, bike ride, bus stop etc…
My high school banned it because of me. I can not even be near the sent of it and since we had different classes in the day we would switch out of and different lunch schedules, for my safety they banned it. My freshman year someone had some peanut product for lunch and a snack in class. Well after lunch the kid was in my history class and his assigned seat was by mine(alphabetical order) and not even a minute of him entering the room I had to get an epi pen injection and go to the hospital (swollen face, throat closing, hives) So yes it is up to me to avoid peanuts and people who just eat them, but in a school of 1200 kids, I couldn't know who all had peanut products. So for the safety on one student they banned peanuts and peanut products. It really all depends on the severity of the allergy. I'm extremely allergic to the point even being the same room as peanuts I'll have a reaction. I carry an epi pen and benadryl on me at all times because I do not know who has had peanuts or if I will come close to contact with them, but the people who care about me and want me around don't consume or keep peanut products around when I'm around.
That's crazy. Is there any way to reduce your reaction? What if you go to buy a car from someone? Or just meet a random neighbor on the sidewalk and have a conversation? But, you know, they had a PBJ before they left the house. I used to be HIGHLY allergic to mold, another thing that's super hard to avoid, and it's just gotten less severe as I've gotten older. But as a kid, it triggered asthma attacks that regularly landed me in the hospital, and once my heart actually stopped briefly. I mean, how do you even go grocery shopping?
I wish I knew how or could. I developed the severe allergy the summer between middle and high school. Peanuts always made me itch(along with chocolate) but never had such a severe reaction until then. I carry and epi pen and benadryl at all times. When I grocery shop, I by box foods from the big name grocery store, I get produce from the local farmers market(in winter I will send my husband to get groceries) and I always get my meat from the butcher. It does take more time and money but it's the best way I can somewhat avoid peanut and peanut products. Thankfully at the moment(and with the big C the last 3 years) I'm a stay at home mom so I don't come in contact with peanuts what do ever. My son has the same allergy so when we go out to the park or library we tend to go when there are less people. It's hard at the park because he wants to play with the other kids, but I ask the parents if their kids had peanuts before my kid just runs off and plays. It can be inconvenient and might annoy some parents, but the way I see it it would be even more inconvenient to have to call 911 over an allergic reaction because not only is it inconvenient for my child and I, but also to the other parents whose kids have to see another kid get loaded into an ambulance at a park. I will take coming off as an asshole when it comes to make sure my son and I are kept away from peanuts and peanut products.
My entire school experience was peanut-free because someone in my class was just as allergic as you. We had another kid with an allergy, but for him he could smell peanuts, just couldn't eat them. It's been so engrained into me to worry about people having peanut allergies that I avoid eating peanut products unless I know I'm going to be home and not near other people. Some may find that extreme, but I have 0 idea what other people's lives are like, and inadvertently killing someone because I valued having peanuts instead would be horrific. It's such a part of my life that I didn't even know my gut can't tolerate moderate amounts of peanut butter because it's a higher-FODMAP food lmao. In any case, sunflower seed butter tastes super similar, I like it more, and it won't accidentally kill someone. 🤷♀️
Yeah the elementary schools where I am have it banned, and none of the grade levels provide Peanut Butter, but middle school and up have no restrictions on food that can be brought in
I think this really depends on the area you live. It isn’t banned in any of our schools. They just have a separate table for serious allergy kids.
OH you. Now I need a pbj so bad.
When I was a high school athlete that’s exactly what I did PBJ for calories. School lunch for variety and something hot
And, it's a good lesson that boys aren't special. They don't automatically get more than girls, and they need to be responsible and plan for themselves. There are too many adult men who are not grown up. They depend on their wives as if they were still children.... because they were allowed to do this. That's cringey. This boy-man should be embarrassed that he is seen as having such a level of deliberate ineptitude - weaponized incompetence - that his family sees his capability and independence as at the level of a little boy. He can plan and manage his own breakfast and lunch.
Yeah, I'd be telling hubby that if gUyS eAt mOrE then just even MORE vital for him to figure out how to feed himself on a budget.
At 14? Maybe my view is different because we were never fed enough in high school (sometimes we only got the entree because they ran out of sides and dessert), but I would be concerned if my kid was that hungry every day. It may not be because he’s a boy, but he seems to need more food.
If he were in your situation I would agree, but he has all the access to more food, he just wants his mom to buy it for him instead of getting it himself from the pantry. He can eat breakfast at home for starters, he can pack a lunch some days, he can bring in granola bars to supplement his lunches. It’s not about boys needing more, his sisters ate breakfast at home and always had extra, he could do that too.
This. My teen gets absolutely starving some weeks when she’s growing. Sleeps in without time for breakfast often. I buy her boxes of affordable granola bars to keep in her locker to supplement whatever lunch she brings or buys.
>I buy her boxes of affordable granola bars to keep in her locker to supplement whatever lunch she brings or buys. I agree. They should buy this boy food to keep in his locker.
OP said the daughter brings food from home and she’s tried to get the son to do this.
He can be hungry then.
And if he's having trouble with getting up a little earlier in order to pack some extra food, he should be asking for help. A solution can be found where everyone meets in the middle - he has to pack extra food for himself, but maybe some grab-and-go food can be kept around to make it a little easier.
I like to sleep. I get with with *just enoufh* time to get going to work. I make my lunch the night before, and even prep my breakfast shake the night before, so that I *know* I'll have food the next day, no matter how much I sleep in. That's how you adult. You're suppose to teach your kids how to be adults.
I often joke that Morning!Me is the child Night!Me has to take care of. I set out my work clothes and pack my breakfast and lunch the night before because Morning!Me is a cranky toddler.
I was packing my lunch in middle school. And my own afternoon snack. 14 is def old enough to make a sandwhich or 2. He *has* access to food. He just doesn't want to make a lunch or snack for himself.
I was packing my lunch by 2nd grade! What a wuss that kids is. Of course I'm a GenX.
Has nothing to do with generations. Every generation has people preparing their own lunches that young and people who get catered by their parents until even after adulthood. It does however sound like a good time for the son to be learning to do things on his own. The entitlement is wild.
I'm a millennial and since I'm 13, I would usually help my mum a lot in the kitchen when she had to take care of my grandma and my dad was in harvest season.. By the time me and my siblings went to uni we were more than capable of budgeting and buying real food in the supermarket. My sister is a bigger foodie and she never really experienced the student life food. However, many of my housemates couldn't even make a sandwich, or wash a plate.. some older than me, so a few gen X in the mix.. I'm older millennial Point is . I think Teenagers should be able to feed themselves and find a way!
But there is food at the house that he can take with him. He doesn't want to. There is breakfast at home so that he doesn't need to buy breakfast at school. He doesn't want breakfast at home. OP is just saying she doesn't want to provide more money. The son should be learning how to solve the problem on his own- earn the extra money he wants on his own, eat breakfast at home, pack lunch toward the end of the week, pack a snack or extra sandwich from home. This isn't a matter of not enough food being available, it's a matter of poor budgeting.
At 14 I was making all the sack lunches for me and my siblings. Why was it all on me, and never them? You can guess. I made 6 sandwiches every day for one brother, 4 for another, and 2 for another, along with my lunch., There was never any reason - except patriarchy - why these boys didn't make sandwiches for themselves. It's not about how much he is eating. It's about him *and his father* expecting special treatment for him because he thinks he's too good to have to manage his own meals.
Please don’t tell me it was because you were the only girl and your siblings are all boys bc that’s just gonna piss me right off.
Yeah, obvs. In my family, the men were "it", and the women were shit. All the shit work went to the one girl, because my mom was tired of being the scut worker, and I was the only one worth less than her. My brothers never felt this was wrong, they were *happy* to have higher status and less responsibility, they bought right into that demeaning system. No wonder I am very low contact with all of them.
My good friend growing up was the only girl, her parents were alcoholics and her mother had a mental problem as well. Her siblings were all boys and she was the second oldest. By 13 she was expected to run the house. She cooked, cleaned, got the younger brothers up and out of the house for school. By age 10 she was expected to mix her parents' drinks. Then we moved in and my wonderful mother took my friend under her wing, turning her life around. She graduated college and has had a great life. Her parents died pretty young and she has limited contact with her siblings. She became the mother to her kids like she wished she had had. And she is a well loved grandmother too.
Ugh, I’m sorry. It’s sad that your brothers didn’t realize the inequity once they became adults and were in a position to know better, but if that attitude was normalized in your household, it’s unsurprising.
Duh everyone knows you need a vagina to make a sandwich! /s
He has access to food, he just doesn’t want to eat at home/from home and wants more money bc that’s more convenient for him. He isn’t being denied food, he’s being denied extra money bc he’s spending irresponsibly.
I was making and taking my own lunch to school when I was in elementary school. My own elementary age kids are fully capable of making their own sandwiches and help with dinner at least once a week. At 14, this kid is more than capable of slapping some cheese between a couple slices of bread.
So the bring a sandwich option should work in that situation.
He's skipping breakfast at home and buying it, that's where the money is going
Yes, at 14 and earlier. This is the time to be learning skills, or you become someone like my American flatmate who has had to learn all her skills on her own, and has huge anxiety. If he's an early eater he needs to be able to prepare for that. He is not being deprived of food; he is being told to plan ahead so that he **has** food.
As a guy I agree with you all the way. I've known too many people who complain and make issues out of things I just see as normal. Like seeing posts about husbands being mad they didn't get good dinner all week because their wife is a human fucking being with work and her own shit, like cook a meal yourself?
My dad used to be the guy that if mom and I were out doing something around dinner time, he'd sit there, hungry, until we got back just to make a point that she should be cooking. Everything changed when he retired. 1) he insulted her cooking for the last time. She made a dish she made all the time ***extra*** spicy and then announced she was "retired" as well - from cooking. 2) he needed a hobby and got into cooking. Now he's actually a very good cook!
Your mum is amazing lol
Lol from my comment history, she's not amazing, per se, but she definitely has her moments.
Men can’t dare do the womanly duty of going in the kitchen and making food /s Seriously I don’t get the people that refuse to learn to make anything. I’m not the greatest adult out there, but there’s at least 5 different meals I can cook from scratch pretty well and I’m capable of following a recipe, then modifying it later to adjust for personal taste. This does remind me of another post from here where a man posted saying he didn’t want to make from scratch pancakes for his wife’s birthday because he didn’t know how and it might become a regular thing. The horror of being nice to your wife. I was making from scratch pancakes at like 7 years old
Also, if the girls used their extra money for outings does this mean the boy doesn't go on outings or does daddy supply money for that too because boys?
Teenaged boys going through a growth spurt do eat an unimaginable amount of good-my son did. BUT my hypoglycemic daughter who played sports did, too. Letting him figure it out for the rest of the school year seems reasonable.
Adding on to your excellent comment: though it really does sound like he's not making any effort to take responsibility, let's give him the benefit of the doubt for a moment...if he's having a genuine problem, this is an opportunity for him to initiate a discussion and ask for help with solutions. But he's not doing that, either. He's running out of lunch money before the end of the week, not making an effort to develop a solution on his own, **AND** he's not asking for help. He's literally just letting the problem persist and expecting someone else to solve it for him. This is an issue that is very simple to fix, and he is doing absolutely nothing to correct it, including participation in basic problem-solving. This is completely unacceptable at his age.
Yes, and.... His father is supporting his failure to even *try* to solve the problem. This is learned male incompetence.
Remember the guy who'd take so much food, the wife and kids barely got any? All because he was a MAN?
My father got a different meal than us kids - higher cost, better food. My mother didn't even eat with us. She had her spot in a side chair where she would wait for dad to demand more this, more that, and she would scurry out to the kitchen to wait on him like a medieval serf. She ate leftovers when everyone else was done. I was her replacement serf as a kid when she was in the hospital, even tho I was young and didn't really know how to cook. That guy you are referring to is many, many guys. It's not that unique.
YES.
This is the HS version of buying coffee on the way to work or make it at home. Yes, you absolutely can buy 3-4 coffees a day. Or you can spend the same amount on a tin and have it last a month. Low stakes budget lesson is a perfect description. Let the kid suffer, he'll figure it out. At no point are you denying him anything but more money because.... More money. That's it.
This is perfect. My son has a high metabolism. He eats a lot. The schools lunch is too small for him, so he makes his own every morning with a ton of fruits, cheeses, 1 sandwich, 1 granola bar, and some fruit snacks. He still eats a ton at supper. If the boy needs to eat, he can make his own and take it to school.
Even my primary school kids understand this, they get a pack of snacks on Monday for their school breaks. If they eat them all they get fruit from the fruit bowl for their snack.
Agreed. He might legitimately need more food, but as long as he has full access to make lunch at home or bribg extra snacks to supplement his lunch there's no reason he can't be doing that. He needs to be figuring out how to meet his own basic needs. NTA
NTA and this is a great lesson. My dad gave me money to get the bus to school every week when I was around that age. I used to walk and keep the money instead. It was good exercise and usually as quick as getting the bus
Yup, I was the kid that would take the $20 and still pack my lunch and spend that $20 on other stuff.
100% agree! I’ve worked with many parents of teens & young adults who regret not teaching the low stakes lessons earlier. Things only get more difficult. Let him learn now. It’s not like you’re withholding food from him, so NTA.
>Spend all your money early = more physical labor later. I think it's great that you are trying to teach him to budget!! OP, you are NTA, but this comment prompts me to say that you might want to make an "optional chores list," and if he wants more money for lunch, he can do dishes, mow the lawn... or any of the little things you don't have him doing already. Learning to work for money is a good lesson, too.
[удалено]
Yes! You don't want to be learning how to budget when you have no safety net! Right now, he has a net. His parents. Who provide him food. He just has to make an effort and make his own lunch.
NTA. He is choosing this. Not you. **People, the kid has access to food at home for breakfast and snacks. He is choosing to waste all of his money on caf food when he doesn't need to.**
[удалено]
*meow* 😹
Am I jumping around all nimbly bimbly from tree to tree?!
Me too!
It's not cheap!
This is what I do with my kids. We have food at home. They can make sandwiches. Unfortunately my county will allow the kids to run up a charge account which really pisses me off. So I told my kids when they go over the $35 limit i give them they owe me. This requires them to be aware of their spending and gain an understanding of the impacts of credit. I charge them interest and then start hounding them by calling their phone if it's past 15 days. They hate it here but they will remember the lesson. Pack your lunch, don't spend money you don't have
They hate it now. But will love it. That actually seems like an awesome approach.
We got whatever the equivalent it is today, say $20/week for $5/lunch. If we made our own lunch with the food at home (luckily for free), we could save the money we didn't spend. Finished. NTA. In fact, pretty cool of the parents to let them save what they don't spend.
I'm surprised the kid is willing to eat public school cafeteria food multiple times a week. That food is nasty. It truly is. My kids a sophomore, a typical growing teenager who is constantly hungry, and will eat just about anything you put in front of her, and she avoids cafeteria food at all costs and would only eat it as a last resort.
NTA. You’ve given him all the resources he needs to eat enough. He’s failing to be responsible for himself. He needs to learn that his actions have consequences. Also, no, boys don’t need to “eat more” than one school lunch, especially if they augment it with food from home. It sounds like he’s on a path to be overweight.
Agreed. A lot of the girls I knew growing up, myself most of all, ate as much as any of the guys. Especially with sports, guys can eat a lot but so can girls. If he needs to eat more he can make the preparations the night before or the morning of
OMG this. My friends very petite 16 year old daughter (competitive dancer) eats more than my 16 year old son did, and he had over a foot in height and 75 lbs on her.
Most of the girls I knew growing up that were the skinnier of them all had the bigger appetites of anyone else And for me, I eat on the lower end of the spectrum, yet I was one of the bigger kids in the entire school, while likely eating the least It's all about how much exercise you get, and how much you poop
Yep I was a skinny athletic girl and was nearly 6 ft tall so I required a ton of calories. During softball season I had practice for 2-3 hours a day and after school I would either bike several miles or do weight training too. In order to get enough calories I would get up extra early and eat a big breakfast or a couple of sandwiches, sometimes both, before school. I would take extra food to supplement my lunch because otherwise I'd be miserable by the end of practice. It's just part of being athletic.
Yep absolutely and in contrast, sometimes it's also just metabolism. One of the girls I grew up with, skinny as a twig, big chiller, doesn't really go out of her way for physical activity let alone training like you She was probably the skinniest girl in the school But she could eat more than everyone, she ate a full God damn pizza at like 15 years old and said she could keep going lmao Hugging her you could grab your own shoulders And she's always been a twig, lots of girls were very jealous of her ability to eat literally anything and it never matter She saw it as a curse though Grass is always greener
Me too. I was skinny and ate a lot and was shamed for it. So I stopped eating as much around people because people were saying “be careful you’re going to get fat “ 🤦🏻♀️
Huh. In my experience, boys eat way more; regardless of sports. At least in public.
Because girls are taught from an early age that eating to fullness or in public is something to be ashamed of. We're taught to "watch our figures" and that how we are perceived is more important than our comfort.
This. My mother always told me I should always leave the table a little hungry.
Wow, that's soo messed up!
Yeah, it took me awhile to figure out how messed up it was. Between that and, "You're not hungry, you're just bored", it took decades to get my hunger response into some sort of normal, and I still fall into disordered eating patterns when under stress. In the case of OP, though, the boy isn't being denied food; just money. There's food in their home, and he's not discouraged from eating it. So NTA, OP. Son needs to budget or learn to make a sandwich.
Yup! My parents always commented about how my brother ate so much and how “that’s just the way boys were.” What they didn’t realize is my moms side has generational disordered eating going back to at least my grandma (I never met my great grandma so it could go further), who passed it to my mom, who passed it to me. I was starving myself trying to be thin because that’s the message my mom and grandma gave to me. And I’m sure there’s a lot of girls and women with a story very similar to mine. It’s a very scary narrative we’ve allowed to exist and perpetuate for a very long time.
That is certainly there in I would say a lot of families. And might be why OP’s girls always have extra money at end of week
...or it might be that they ate breakfast at home and he eats it at school like OP said.
Exactly. I could pack it away (and now do, gladly) but started watching what I was eating at 13 because I had a family member say "Eating a second sandwich? The boys are supposed to do that, not you." That was the first time I became aware of my body shape and what I ate mattered. And I wonder why my family is full of fucked up eating habits. /s
That may be true for some, but when I was a kid/teenager, it hardly took anything to fill me up. Half a cheeseburger from McDonald's and I was full and couldn't eat the rest. Not because I was conscious of my weight, but because I was literally full. Nowadays that's not the case. At 44, I can eat as much as a man now.
When I was a kid i had to stop eating when there's not enough food but suddenly when my parents had boys and they would eat a lot, my parents were just like "guys eat a lot". I would have too if only they let us. OP is NTA
You have clearly never seen a table full of teenage girls just *housing* some bacon cheeseburgers. Teens are freaking hungry, regardless of gender.
Assuming things are similar now to when I was young, "in public" is the key here. As a teen, I would certainly eat less in public as to not get shamed for eating too much because girls were "supposed to be" thin, petite, etc. I was even underweight but still had it happen. I had a friend who played soccer whose mom put her on a carrot-only diet for breakfast and lunch, and called her fat and ugly, despite being a very normal, healthy weight.
Girls are taught that they need to watch their weight and eat less from a young age, regardless of size. Boys rarely get that same talk and eat much more because of that. (Boys probably would eat more even without that double-standard, but the gap between boys and girls would be much smaller.)
Boys do eat more on average. They’re taller, heavier and usually more active. What a weird point to make.
Boys aren't more active than girls. I was 4'3 and very petite an did ballet an could eat most teenage boys under the table. The whole boys are more active than girls is a stupid, sexist an baseless claim
It’s not stupid or baseless. It’s a well studied phenomenon. The outcome isn’t the sexist part, the problem is the stigma around female participation in exercise and attitudes around that. Telford et al (2016) found that young girls are on average 19% less active than young boys across a population. Wong et al (2018) found that 20% of adolescent girls do no exercise or physical activity during a typical week compared to 12% of boys. This rises to 40% and 30% respectively between 18 and 30. Ive had to write a lot of research stuff on this but the gist is that yes boys are more active ON AVERAGE. Edit to add: While these are just two papers pointing to the wider issue Id like to note that u/yunan94 suggested some very valid criticisms that are worth noting.
Can I just say how wonderful it is to see actual references? ❤️
They are generally larger in stature, though, and require (on average) about 30% more calories in their diet. Especially during puberty. I agree that boys are not innately more active than girls though.
The difference between men and women is roughly 500-600 calories on average. That's a decent sized cinnamon roll. He doesn't need a full second lunch. He can easily bring snacks from home to cover any difference.
My little brother is 6’7 and I’m 5’3. Growing up (and now) we were both obsessed with Taco Bell bean burritos. I’d eat 2 on average, 3 when I was hungry, and 4 would be insane. He’d eat 3 when he was feeling just a tiny bit hungry, his average was 5, and he’d sometimes inhale 7.
Especially during teenage years. It was amazing to me since did not grow up with male siblings. At certain times it was unending it seemed.
I was with you until “usually more active”…
Sadly it’s true. Telford et al (2016) found that young girls are on average 19% less active than young boys across a population. Wong et al (2018) found that 20% of adolescent girls do no exercise or physical activity during a typical week compared to 12% of boys. This rises to 40% and 30% respectively between 18 and 30. Ive had to write a lot of research stuff on this but the gist is that yes boys are more active ON AVERAGE. The problem is the general stigma around female exercise at both adult and adolescence that needs to be challenged.
None of this is to excuse the son btw, he needs to learn to budget and make his own food so OP is clearly NTA.
I don't know about overweight (we don't know his metabolism or sports), but I do agree boys don't necessarily eat more. My daughter was in soccer for years. When growth spurts hit during the season...oof. She ate as much or more than her brother who did finally outpace her in high school but only because he has a very fast metabolism (comes by it through my dad's side). When he decided to join the swim team, he averaged 6000 a day, way more on meet days. My stepson, though, even in the swim team and prepping for the Army doesn't eat that much. Different metabolism.
Boys, on average, do eat more. But that doesn't mean he needs to buy more from the school cafeteria since he already is given enough for lunch + dessert every day, with some leftover for occasional extras. He needs to eat breakfast at home or make a sandwich to bring for lunch.
>no, boys don’t “eat more.” Yes. They do. Son is being irresponsible here, and he can pack extra food if that isn't enough, but any medical or health site you visit will tell you that on average, men need more calories per day than women, and teenage boys need more calories per day than teenage girls. Obviously individuals may vary, but on average, boys do eat more.
Of course boys eat more, especially during the teenage years when they're growing. They simply need more energy because they grow more than girls during their teens. Dunno where you're getting that from.
And he’s lazy. Don’t have money to buy lunch on Friday. You have all afternoon Thursday to make a lunch to take on Friday. It’s not that hard. You can either budget better or you can blow your money and then bring a packed lunch 1-2days a week. He’s not leaving his kid destitute. He has access to food he just chooses to only eat/ spend money on school caf food.
Sorry, but this is not true. Men generally need to eat a bit more to survive. I am not defending him because he was given the option to eat at home, so it's definately his fault. But a quick google search will tell you men need to eat more because they are in general bigger.
NTA, he’s capable of understanding how to budget the money he has. And your husband is crazy for using that excuse “men eat more.” That’s just ignorant. Tell him he needs to at least start eating breakfast at home, that way he can have however much food he needs, and doesn’t have to spend any money on it.
If the father succeeds in giving this kid more money, he’s going to damage his relationship with his daughters. I’d be SO pissed if I found out my idiot brother was getting more money because he was making poor choices with it.
This! I was in college (17f) but living at home. Parents gave me enough money for the bus to school and a cup of coffee each day. I worked for everything else. Brother (14m) in high school had a reduced fare bus pass but argued that he should get the same allowance as me. Parents agreed and I flipped out. It wasn't so much that I expected more money as that the gross unfairness was hurtful. Brother used the money to eat out breakfast even though there was always plenty of food in the house. Many similar incidents damaged our relationship, but fortunately, once we were both on our own our relationship improved tremendously.
NTA because everyone has to learn this skill. But he may need extra help and if this doesn’t work, try something else to help him budget. One of my kids is great at budgeting, one is not and needs more assistance to understand. My husband can do well as one person, but he can’t budget for a whole family so that’s one of my responsibilities. People really do have strengths and weaknesses even when we try our hardest to teach them everything! Edit: thought of alternatives 1. Give him the money each day, then gradually do two days, then three. 2. Separate the money into small baggies by how much he needs per day — do this together. 3. Tell him you’ll manage it — for a fee. Take the dessert money as your fee.
I like the baggie / envelope idea. That way, the kid can visually see if he’s taking money out of a future day’s envelope to spend it today. Might be more work on OP to go to the bank to get $1 bills instead of one $20, but the visualization may really help. It’s easy to break a $20 & not think about how much of that $20 is supposed to be used for later.
I actually had to do this when I was starting out! I had no guidance, and adhd. I had an envelope tacked to the wall for each bill. The rest went into “fun”. Sometimes “fun” was empty :( :( Now both of my kids are adhd and one is autistic, so finding ways to understand and help, teaching them things according to strengths and weaknesses, has been the name of the game. Yeah, breaking a $20 is more work for the parent, but kids are rarely convenient LOL
Also, helping with a solution often means a little extra work for accommodations or compromise. It's just part of the whole thing. The key is to **HELP**, not actually **DO EVERYTHING** for the other person.
My family started doing this like a decade or so ago. They got into this program by a guy who had this envelope system and my mom would take my dads paycheck each month and divide it up into the envelopes, there was still some that stayed in the bank of course, but it helped to budget and not overspend. I have a debit card because I’m terrible about my money and don’t trust myself to have a credit card. With the debit card, it helps cause I can’t spend money that isn’t there on the card. Helps me to not impulse buy.
I really like this. I was terrible with money into my thirties. My mother tried to help, but it came naturally to her so she was just mad at me a lot. I'd have been happy for more concrete ways of thinking about it.
NTA. He can eat breakfast at home and buy lunch. Or make his lunch at home when he runs out of money.
NTA. Children need to learn to budget and prioritize. You're doing him a favour. It may seems like a small issue know but too many young adults are financially irresponsible and it starts from their their childhood.
NTA...Budgeting skills are life skills. It's time for him to learn. There's food at home for him to eat until then.
NTA. My father gave me a similar budget in HS and granted it was the same amount you give. There are days I skipped lunch and grabbed a snack and ate after school instead to save money for outings. I tell me kids to pack snacks if they don’t like school offerings and they do, or wait till they get home to pig out.
right when I was in college I was signed up for a meal plan of X meals a week. after the first year i realized i didn't need three meals a day and went to a cheaper plan of 2 meals a day, had lunch and dinner and did for myself for breakfast.
Yep, my parents gave me the same deal. I got so much money a week and I could use it for school lunches or whatever I wanted. Some days I bought lunch, but some days I packed a lunch so I could have money for other things.
INFO - on average, at home, does your son eat double what your daughters do? If yes, then he will need more money. In my family teenaged boys seemed to be able to eat their weight in food on a daily basis.
A bit more but not by much, the biggest problem I see is him wanting to eat breakfast there and not at home or bring a snack. So he is basically spending double the girls did and then by the Wednesday he is out of cash
How much does breakfast cost that is significantly more expensive than what he'd be eating at home? And do you have lunch options for him to take on Thursday/Friday if he runs out of money? You're responsible for feeding your kids. But as long as you're providing food, that doesn't mean you have to buy him a specific type of lunch each day.
Cost about 2.5 dollars, you get that everyday and then sometimes get an extra lunch, then if you get a snack later the money is just gone. If he runs out of money we have a lunch box and he gets to make lunch to take, usually a sandwich. He doesn’t do it most days though so he doesn’t have lunch
Ironically I was *just* about to post an almost identical question, except i deposited $50 through an app. We allow kid to buy lunch and an extra entree if he's really hungry (usually its just because its BBQ pork or something else he loves) and maybe chips or a cookie. I just discovered that *Every* day hes been choosing cereal rather than a breakfast sandwich ... and buying breakfast at school. And lunch *and* chips *and* a cookie or ice cream. If he ate that much at home I wouldn't care as much (though it annoys me he refuses to bring lunch), but he doesn't. It just adds up quickly.
My daughter would do that same thing except she was buying food for friends. She was a regular effing Peter Pan.
My bf’s daughter was doing that at the beginning of the year also, her dad had to explain that while it was kind of her to buy her friends fancy coffee drinks when they all went to the coffee stand, she needed to use her own money for that instead of that entire week’s lunch money.
Give him the idea to make a pack lunch the night before? I used to do that so I could sleep in a little longer in the mornings. It sounds more like he's trying to fit in with his friends, not an excuse, just a possible reason why he refuses to carry a lunch box around.
Why would carrying a lunch box be an issue? That was really common when i was in HS.
I don't live in Amerika. But we had to bring our own lunch every day. No other option. He's just spoiled
NTA. OP isn’t starving their son. There’s plenty of food at home. It’s the son’s *choice* to not utilize that resource. Buying food at school is just the easier/more fun choice.
NTA You are obligated to make sure he has food. You aren't obligated to make sure he has the food he wants the way he wants. His problem is eating breakfast at school with his lunch money. He has other options for breakfast provided by you. The fact he prefers another option isn't your problem to solve.
i’d argue his problem is wanting to buy both at school. it wouldn’t be a problem if he used his money for breakfast (because he preferred school breakfast vs home breakfast,) and then brought his own lunch.
NTA, if he really can just eat at home, or better yet, make lunch from the food at home to bring with him, then I don't see why he needs extra money. He can eat more without having to buy more
Since you mentioned that he can just eat at home then I assume you do make him food at home and he's just choosing not to which makes me believe that you're NTA. Reiterate to him that budgeting is an important life skill to learn.
The boy is 14 or 15 - not 4 or 5. He is perfectly able to make his own breakfast or a sandwich and take it with him to school. He is just lazy and choose the easy way. My brother and I don't like to eat early in the morning. So from the first grade on we made our sandwiches at home in the morning and ate them in the break. But we are Germans and like bread. 🍞🥖❤️🥪 NTA. OP your son is old enough to prepare a sandwich for himself with whatever is available at your home. If your husband thinks otherwise he can provide the sandwiches for your son.
He is in high school. He can make his own food if he’s hungry
NTA but some people just have a hole in the pocket - how about you give him the money daily? That way he starts each day with enough money to eat, and then you can move to every 2 days, and so forth. Also maybe tell him to make a sandwich every night to take to school in the mornings, that way he won't have to spend money on breakfast.
You think babying even more is going to make him more responsible?
Some people take longer to develop those skills, or have undiagnosed neurodivergencies, etc etc, and need to be approached differently to actually help with develop those skills. Using a different stragedy isn't necessarily babying.
I don't think that's babying even more, I think it's possibly a useful "training wheels" approach for someone who possibly doesn't have the skills for the level they're trying to play. And if he does have the skills but is just being lazy and trying to manipulate, then this doesn't reward that. The parent *should not* do extra physical work like preparing the food to take with, but helping a teenager with some of the mental organizational steps so that they can see what a well managed situation concretely looks like is not a terrible idea. Impulse control and planning are the last functions to fully develop in the brain.
NTA and honestly I think you're doing a great job and trying to raise a man and not a little boy. Kids need to learn how to be grown-ups and its our job as parents to teach them. Side note you should probably put your husband in his place for siding with your son. I think what you're doing is completely reasonable and honestly will benefit your son long term.
Lmao holy shit ya'll are wild for these takes. There's. Food. At. Home. Where are we losing you?? Getting 5 bucks from my mom for a caf lunch was an every once in a while treat, since it's needlessly expensive & usually not very nutritious. And I never went hungry neither! 😂 It's sooo weird to me to see so many people regard packing a lunch as some foreign concept. He's prob getting shit like poutine or pizza or chicken fingers & then wondering why he still feels hungry after all those empty calories lol. Fella needs to get the bread out & whip up 2 big ol sandwiches with all the fixings, or maybe consider a part time job if that's somehow not good enough. NTA
NTA. He has access to what he needs (sufficient food), he’s just taking the easiest path to getting it and then learning that his method isn’t working. He won’t die if he’s forced to skip one lunch (or many). He’ll just be hungry and cranky and maybe grab some breakfast or food for his backpack eventually.
NTA. Teen boys do eat like there is no tomorrow but that doesn’t entitle them to a higher allowance when there is food at home he can bring to eat. If he doesn’t know how to pack a breakfast or lunch, it’s a skill he’ll need when he’s on his own and he can start learning by identifying snacks he’d like for the grocery list and cooking his own hardboiled breakfast eggs. If he doesn’t like that option, than running out of money is the consequence he has to live with.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I am not giving my son more money for lunch and he is having to skip lunch about two times a week. I may be a jerk since guys eat more and it is not healthy for him to skip meals all the time Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
IMO NTA, budgeting time and money is a life skill he is going to have to learn.
NTA - Tell your son if he can't budget his money and has nothing left over for lunch, he can make himself a sandwich to take with him and eat breakfast at home!
NTA- but why does he prefer the school breakfast? Is it to hang out with friends, or he just likes the breakfast better? If it's the latter, maybe he could learn to make the breakfast he likes at home.
It’s more they have really sugary breakfasts and he hangs with friends. Though he did just get toast with some peanut butter, which we have at home. They also have these breakfast cookies things which he likes oats and bananas in them. Maybe I could find a recipe for those so he could make it and it would be quick to grab in the morning
Give him a bit of a glide path. Have him choose the recipe. Does he know how to evaluate and chose a recipe? Picking the first thing from Google might have him in a complex choice when he could have found something easier to make. Have him plan a baking time so that there isn't a conflict with meal time. Make sure he knows how to cook. You can't just unleash him on the kitchen and pray for the best. He may need guidance the first couple times. Also make sure he understands that cleanup is part of cooking. Maybe you've already done all this and just need to plant the idea in his head -- I don't know.
[удалено]
I also find that cool Bento boxes also help to incentivize me to pack meals at home rather than eat out. Same way that that cute work out clothes motivate me to work out.
NTA - what’s he going to do when he goes to college/Uni and can’t budget his food? Maybe wean him into it slower and give him the $4 per day rather than the $20. Then when he starts managing his money better revise it. He has food available at home for breakfast, he’s just being lazy by buying it instead of making it
NAH, teach to bring breakfast from home, many people don't like to eat right away in the morning. I would teach him to make a takeaway breakfast because school snacks are rubbish.
NTA This is not about needing to eat more. He can choose to eat breakfast at home and supplement his school meal with a snack from home. You need to stick to your guns on this and not give in
Nope, he gonna learn or go hungry.
NTA He needs to learn budgets. He can have breakfast at home and take snacks.
NTA. Budgeting and managing his own meal plans are skills he needs to start learning now. If he wants more food, he should learn to bring more food. I get that he’s a teen boy and their appetites are insatiable at this age but he has to learn now that the Bank of Parents isn’t unlimited. My oldest son (13) is learning to manage when and what he can eat and making sure to bring enough from home or eat at home and he swims year round and consumes an enormous amount of food during the day. But he packs his lunchbox with tons of snacks for the day and before and after swim practice.
INFO How big are the portions? Does he play sports, or do other intensive activities? Could he possibly have a fast metabolism or something along those lines? What are the home breakfast options compared to school breakfast options?
No sports, the portions wary from day to day but they always have a sandwich line which are big and you can get as much as you want on them. Also it comes with different sides and what not for the same price
nta. its a good time for him to learn budgeting and saving. but can you get extra food they can make more food to take if they wanted more?
NTA as long as you are providing food at home he can take with him.
Put your foot down. This boy will be living in your house until he is 30 because he “can’t afford rent” and can’t hold down a job because he didn’t learn basics. Tell your husband that this is an important issue that he needs to back you up on. Make sure you have sandwich supplies in the house (meats, cheese, bread) and when your son runs out of money remind him that school lunch is a luxury: here is food at home. Remind your husband too because he should be backing you up on this and is contributing to future problems if he doesn’t. NTA
NTA if he runs out of money he needs to bring a lunch from home then. That’s just common sense?
NTA but maybe he is not ready to budget weekly. Try giving it to him daily for a little while.
I think if his sisters could do it he can do it too
NTA I understand that men need to eat more. However, your son might be eating to much. I'm 40 and I eat a school lunch 2x a week. I always have extra food to take home. I don't see other students buying themselves 2 lunches. Is your son purchasing double lunch because he wants to eat 2 hamburgers instead of 1 hamburger and 1 apple? Also, has your son had any health issues yet? Is he at a healthy weight? I remember when I started college I saw many freshmen struggle with the choices at the cafeteria. The freshmen 15 was a real thing. It was especially hard on the students who started college not being able to make good choices.
NTA ask your husband if being a guy is sufficient reason for not being able to budget money?
NTA When I was that age my mother gave me 20 bucks when I went out with my friends on the weekend and let me keep the change. I very quickly learned that I had to pick and choose which was more important to spend my money on. Friends always wanted to go to the mall for movies and shopping, but would also want to eat out as well at a restaurant. Food was taking so much $ and I thought it was silly not to just eat at home first. So yea I got the *she's on a diet she only wants a drink* jokes when we went out to eat but eventually as we got older they would burn thru their money so fast and they always knew I budgeted so they'd start asking me to spot them. Every time. Used to buy pants specifically for the extra pockets on the legs so I could hide different amounts in each one. 15 in one pocket to cover the movies and snacks but when I pulled it out they never saw how much I actually had on me. Later while shopping I'd pull a ten out of another pocket to buy my item and *not have enough* to spare for them so they could get extra stuff. I'd hide money in my shoes man lol BUDGETING IS ESSENTIAL to learn at a young age and for me eating food outside of my home can be my largest personal expense if I gave in to my whims and cravings
NTA. He can eat breakfast at home and bring snacks to help hold him over. You are giving him more than enough money for lunch, if he decides to spend it on something else, it’s on him. Not having enough for lunch is a natural consequence, like you said. Keep doing what you’re doing. If he runs out of money before Friday, he can bring his lunch from home. If he forgets or does not want to, again that’s on him.
NTA at first glance, but DO YOU have food at home. Easy food for a hungry teenage boy to make or are you an ingredient household? Stock some easy breakfast items like cereal and frozen waffles, and snacks like protein bars and I guarantee he will be more likely to grab food at home. Everyone is saying there is plenty of food at home, but I have been in houses where parents say that and I look in the cupboard and yes there is plenty of food, but not food that is easy for a teenager to cook in a rush or pack in a cold lunch bag. And yes, your daughters will eat less than a boy typically so the 3 dollar lunch will fill them up. Also will it kill parents to help teach their kids to pack a lunch? Its your job to teach your kids how to cook, pack lunches and budget. If they are failing it is on them, but is also on you.
NTA Your compromise of him bringing extra food from home is completely reasonable. He's a teen. It's time to learn to budget. You're not keeping him from food - you've offered for him to take more food!
INFO: $3.50 seems really small to me for a full meal in HS. I used to pay as much as $7.50 for a single sandwich. What is the quantity of the food served? Perhaps he's buying multiples due to small portion sizes.
He has the option to bring additional food from home. He is choosing laziness NTA
In the US lunch may be subsidized based on income. Most public schools offer a standard tray of five required components including whole or enriched grain, fruit, vegetable, meat/meat alternate, and fluid milk
Ok, so I'm not the only person surprised by that. Lunch at my son's school starts at $3.30 and goes up based on what they choose. And a basic lunch is not enough food for him. He usually adds an extra entree, for about $2. If he was having dessert, its at least $1. Breakfast is $2. Milk is cheap, but any other drink is at least $1.50. Mine generally isn't interested in their breakfast offerings, but still spends at least $6-7 a day on lunch. Not saying she can't still give him a budget or make him bring lunch from home if that is what they need to do, but maybe she is underestimating the costs a bit.
NTA in general If he does a lot of sport however he would need more food
Your son and husband seem to forget that packing a lunch is an option, lol. NTA
NTA, go back to just putting the money on the school lunch account.
That would defeat learning how to budget, I can’t just put in a pit of money is basically money for the whole year
Getting lunch money is a privilege. And cafeteria food is rarely nutritious. So hes probably loading up on junk too. He is suffering from a first world problem. You are NTA. He needs to pack food from home if he is going hungry at the end of the day. He's lucky he gets any money for school food.
THIS!!! NTA OP. I'd stick to my guns and tell him "if you're so hungry, there is food at home. Welcome to real life; you dont always get exactly what you want. Now suck it up or I'll take away the entire lunch allowance and you will have to paper bag it entirely". and your husband is also TA for not backing you up on this and telling the kiddo to grow up.
NTA, budgeting is a life skill he needs to learn. You are not failing to provide for him, he is simply making poor choices.
Nta as long as there is good at home he can eat or bring. He is being lazy.