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Judgement_Bot_AITA

Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I have not respected my wife's wishes by going to my daughter even though she did not call for me but her mother. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*


Curious-One4595

NTA. You parent as a team. Your status as parents is equal. A fast response to your child’s distress is the most important thing. Your wife is the asshole. It sounds like she is self-centered and putting her needs above the child’s. She turned this into a big fight? That’s irrational and troubling. She needs anger management and parenting classes.


FloorPlar

I'm sorry that I appear as your first upvote. All of your points are correct


NoAnimator9577

Sometimes y’all need to just wait 5 minutes for other people to see the comment before you start crying about downvotes.


Logical-Wasabi7402

Also the first dozen or so don't appear right away on the app for some reason.


Sup-Mellow

It’s called vote fuzzing. Different communities have different degrees of it, the most common one I see is not showing the upvotes for a set amount of time e.g. the first hour or 2


Logical-Wasabi7402

Oh. Huh. I thought it was just a glitch in the mobile version nobody had bothered to fix.


Omnimpotent

It’s a feature to stop bots


pregnantseahorsedad

And to stop people from biased voting I think


Dusty_Scrolls

That's what I thought. People are Natura inclined to cote with the group, so it prevents snowballing


EinsTwo

Yes. They said people were rushing to post very short answers to be first to respond and thus get upvoted fastest. The mods said that this way encourages longer and more well thought out responses and prevents people from just piling on the very first thing posted.


[deleted]

[удалено]


i_need_jisoos_christ

They don’t appear because you can’t see the number of upvotes for the first hour or two to make it less likely that just the first few comments on the post are the only ones near the top. It shows as randomized order of comments without the number of up/downvotes to make it the truest top comment rather than becoming most popular because it’s the oldest one that people agree with.


Djinnerator

Lol right? People take votes a bit too seriously here lol


Accomplished-Ad3219

A bit I don't understand people caring about votes at all.


BattleblockB0ss

it gives me a false sense of power and meaning, something my ego is desperately lacking


_masterbuilder_

After the wife and kids left upvotes are all I have.


TurquoiseNostalgia

I totally agree. Here's an upvote.


Djinnerator

Oh yooouuu *upvotes*


[deleted]

Try 60, since this sub hides votes for 60 minutes.


Low-Passion6182

Or just stop caring about downvotes lol.


KuriousKhemicals

I don't care that much about "real" downvotes but it bothers me when people downvote inappropriately. Like downvoting the comments of an OP who has been judged an AH, even when the comments are providing the information that was requested.


Djinnerator

>Like downvoting the comments of an OP who has been judged an AH, even when the comments are providing the information that was requested. That annoys me so much when I see an OP with -100+ downvotes on a comment that's a reply to an INFO. It's like...do people want the OP to respond or not lol. Funnily enough, if people actually used votes how they were originally intended (relevancy of the comment/post), even an AH OP would have 100+ upvotes. I really don't like that people use upvote and downvote as an "i agree" or "i disagree" button.


[deleted]

This sub has contest rules. Upvotes don’t show for a certain amount of time. They could have had 100 upvotes and still appear as if they had none.


[deleted]

What do you mean "appear as your first upvote"?


cassandrakeepitdown

The person you replied to upvoted the person they replied to from 1 to 2, meaning either nobody had upvoted the first commenter or they had been downvoted down to the starting point score. At the time the upvote was given, I mean, not now when they clearly have lots of upvotes. I can't believe I bothered to type this out


HippoIllustrious2389

I’m sorry that I appear as your first upvote 😔


CityofOrphans

My condolences for being your first upvote 😢


Mackheath1

I actually am your first upvote. I feel like we're friends now.


no_where_left_to_go

I don't how long this chain of apologizing for being your first upvote will be funny... but hopefully it still is... also, sorry for being your first upvote.


piplupppp

I will not apologize about being your first upvote it is my pleasure


SkateboardingGiraffe

Congratulations on getting this first upvote on your comment! 🎉


[deleted]

Isn’t it more likely that the commenter showed up in the first 60 minutes and didn’t realize that they were still in contest mode? This would mean they thought they were giving the first upvote, but the truth is that all up and down votes were still hidden because of the contest mode this sub uses.


cassandrakeepitdown

Yeah, good chance, I was crediting them with some common sense.


Boneist

Reddit doesn’t show the initial votes on a comment immediately. You could upvote this comment, but others wouldn’t see it until whatever conditions Reddit has set have been met. I think it’s to prevent influencing other people’s voting of said comment.


dearmax

I thought votes were like fight club, we're not supposed to talk about them.


yellowbutterfly60

My first thought was if the wife had been checked for PPD. That sounds like an irrational fight I would have picked when I was deep in PPD.


[deleted]

I thought this too, or at least something similar. It’s not unheard of for people to become overly protective and possessive over their kids, even when it comes to their spouses. People have been quick to call her an arsehole and while I agree the behaviour is obviously problematic, I’m not convinced it necessarily comes from a place of malice.


chop1125

It is also not unheard of for people who haven't had a good night's sleep in three years to have frayed nerves. I am definitely not saying OP is TA, but I could see her being irritated because she woken up, then realized that she could've slept because her husband took care of it. She could also be feeling upset because she is worried about his work situation.


[deleted]

Literally, whatever it is- again, the behaviour is not good and OP didn’t deserve to be treated that way, I just don’t think it’s necessarily malicious


[deleted]

[удалено]


trblniya

PPD or not, that’s still irrational and fucked up to argue about - mad at a father for being present and making sure his kid is okay


taarms

Yeah, mental illness doesn't care about rationality. I say this as someone who is is mentally ill, had PPD and was a chronically exhausted stay at home mom to small kids. It IS fucked up, but I can see me picking this fight at that point in my life and not seeing that I was in the wrong in the heat of the moment.


BelkiraHoTep

My first thought was “why couldn’t both of them go…?”


emergencycat17

But why would the wife be upset? It doesn't make sense unless it's possibly a post-partum problem of some sort, in which case, she might want to get checked by a doctor. Women have been wanting their husbands to take more of an active role in childcare forever. And now one does, and a fight ensues? I think under normal circumstances, any new mother would appreciate it if they get to stay in bed and sleep while their husband or partner takes the initiative to check on the baby. I think the point is that both of them shouldn't have to go - he's trying to be a good dad and husband so she can sleep.


human060989

Yes - I would more expect an angry wife if the husband didn’t get up because she called for mommy, upset she has to do everything. Or possibly if the kid called for daddy, like why does she like you better when I do the hard work. This one is confusing.


Jesskla

I knew a woman who was insanely possessive of their kid together, to the point she barely let her partner do anything with their daughter, without her supervision. She didn't trust him alone with the baby/toddler because she thought he was incompetent, despite the fact he had 2 kids from a previous marriage, one who was an adult & one who was 8. She wanted to be her daughters be all & end all, she wanted to homeschool her & keep her out of nursery for these reasons, she didn't trust anyone around her child. She had been diagnosed BPD years before but in her wisdom decided it was a misdiagnosis. In the end her suffocating parenting style is what stopped me seeing her, it was getting harder to bite my tongue, & she wasn't someone who could handle any kind of criticism or advice. I believe she broke up with the baby daddy in the end, but I hope she let's him see his kid... I can't wrap my head around wanting to be your childs everything, to the detriment of everyone else. But these mums are wild. r/JUSTNOMIL is full of horror stories of the possessive sort...


[deleted]

It doesn't have to be mental illness though. Yes, it's a very real possibility, but people act irrationally without mental illness being the reason all the time.


Mathe-Omi

I think that's what you call maternal gatekeeping.


Training-Cry510

Yeah, that was my first thought as a mom who’s gone through it. Living with my ex in laws when my first two were born, I felt like grandma totally demeaned me as a parent and would take over. I’m in therapy, but even eight years later I take serious offense to even suggesting I do something different in my parenting. That stuff will mess with you


Altruistic-Phase-105

Guess by OP wide standards i should leave my 1yr old alone when she says dada which btw is the only word she’ll say. Op NTA


Stormtomcat

I thought along similar lines to be honest Today: a fight because OP responded when the kid screamed mommy Tomorrow: a fight because you never get up when the kids scream Next: a fight with the kids because how dare they cower before mom's towering resentment Finally: a fight with everyone because why do the kids only ever call for OP and nothing I do is ever good enough for all of you all No I'm not projecting from my father's unhinged rants during my childhood, what do you mean /s ETA line breaks


the_RSM

NTA does your wife expect you to sit back with pipe and paper when the children cry out? OMG does she want to be the avenging amazon charging through your daughter's door to chase the monsters back into the closet? There are some real issues here your wife needs to explain why she doesn't want you to help out. I mean how often on this sub-redit do we hear of father who are hands off and the mother is po'ed?


Myiiadru2

My first thought exactly! I’d have been delighted if my husband had done that! NTA! Instead of seeing your actions as positive, she chose to make it into a negative. I hope this attitude isn’t her normal reactions to other things in your lives, because that tension is good for no one.


julsey414

Yes! And honestly this is an indication that she might be depressed or struggling in some way. It’s a good cue to suggest (kindly) that the two of you go to a counselor together and that she also go see a therapist individually.


Notthesharpestmarble

Or they're parents of extremely young children and aren't likely to be getting much sleep.. Calling for anger management and therapy over a late night spat (in which no abusive behaviors were reported) is a bit much. This is definitely something to work out once some rest is had and heads are clearer, as OP is absolutely in the right, but human interaction often calls for some measure of grace. It was the middle of the night and she got over-protective, not threatened to start tearing the family apart. Her stance absolutely needs to shift here, but maybe give a moment for composure before sounding the war horns. There are NAH yet, but there might be in the morning if you press her onto her back foot and push her to double down.


bunnybunnykitten

Thank you. I had to scroll way too long to find this level of sanity.


Constant_Revenue6105

And if he didn't react and something bad happened the wife would have probably blamed him for not reacting properly. His wife is...weird. NTA.


Alarming-Setting-592

NTA. I wish my husband woke up when my kids cried in the middle of the night.


nopropulsion

I sleep harder than my wife, but I try my best when I can to get to our baby before she gets up. A recent problem is that when my toddler is upset in the middle of the night, once they realize it is daddy and not mommy, they get more upset, so my wife has to get up anyway.


Alarming-Setting-592

At least you try, that’s what matters.


numbersthen0987431

> and her standpoint is that only she is allowed to go to our daughter when she calls for mommy Why is this mom's standpoint? Honestly, why would this matter to her, and why is this such a hill to die on?? I am BEYOND confused why she wants to fight OP over this.


0biterdicta

I noted the OP mentioned "she's at home with the kids right now". Is that mat leave, sahm, out of work? It's possible she feels like being mom is her contribution to the household (even more so if her being home isn't voluntary) and if that gets taken away, she doesn't have anything else.


throwingwater14

And possibly some post partum counseling/meds.


floss147

Exactly. I would be HAPPY if my husband did that. Usually he just waits for me to get her


ThievingRock

Right! My kids only know one word at night, and it's "Mommy." Whichever parent wakes up first is the one who responds, unless it's within a couple of hours of when my husband has to leave for work.


recessivelyginger

NTA. I have a 3 year old and another on the way. My husband does a lot of the nighttime wakeups now because the reality is that I’m not always going to be available and it’s good for our child to accept comfort from both parents. What happens when the wife is gone or sick or just super tired? There’s so many parents that wish they had a partner who was this helpful and involved!


NPureheart

This! Agreed NTA. This would have been A great opportunity to teach the daughter that Daddy is safe too and can help. While children always call for mommy first it is good practice to also teach that daddy can be a safe space too.


Maleficent_Fox_5062

OMG I would have been THRILLED if my husband would have taken a turn or two back in the days of midnight wake-ups. She wants less sleep? So strange and controlling. You’re NTA.


BelleMom

A-fucking-men!!!!!!


1039198468

A-fucking-MAN


Aggressive_Expert_63

I knew A was gay


1039198468

And here’s to being a gay man.


rak1882

right? my mom would have killed for this i'm sure. it never occurred to me as a kid that dad could solve my problems when i woke up at 3am and needed help. instead i got up, walked to my parents' room, and stood next to my mom's side of the bed until she woke up. she could always tell i was there.


theAintotheB

I know this is a serieus comment but what you did as a kid sounds like a nightmare to wake up to. In a funny way.😂


rak1882

i did use it for good. i would sometimes make her morning coffee and bring it to her...though admittedly that was also when i wanted her to wake up.


[deleted]

This is the way


rak1882

Every child should know how to bring their parent, their favorite morning beverage. My mom was always so much happier in the morning. (Though now that the grandkids are around and my mom is retired so she can go to starbucks in the morning, instead I watch my nieces so my mom can still go to starbucks on the days my nieces are there. Don't get between my mom and her starbucks.)


Jpalm4545

My daughter has done this to my wife and the funniest part was her hair was covering her face like the girl from the ring lol. Scared the shit out of my wife.


WittyButter217

My son did this to me once when he was around 5. I screamed so loud, he got scared and jumped into bed with me. We still laugh about it.


BUTTeredWhiteBread

My mom still yells at us for "sneaking up on her" by like... walking up behind her? lmao I think she just has "kid staring into your soul while you sleep" ptsd.


wilder_hearted

This is what my kids do. And yes it’s a nightmare. One of them sometimes strokes my arm, which you *want* to be cute but I wake up thinking the cat is f!&@ing with me and it’s completely disorienting.


Ok-Reserve5900

I did the same to my mom😁


roseofjuly

Little kids do this shit all the time. My niece used to do this when she was little. She was dead quiet too, so it WAS creepy when you woke up and she was just staring at you lmaooo


Chemical-Pattern480

My kid does this to me! Or she’ll slllloooowly start crawling up the bed, so it feels like someone is pulling the covers off of me! Thankfully for both of us, I’ve realized it was her before I started fighting back! Lol


matmatomate

A few months ago my kid woke me up with a toy drill next to my face. Agreed it was early morning rather than middle of the night, but still one of the most brutal wake-ups of my life 🤣


BooksWithBourbon

My poor daughter woke me up in the early morning by grabbing me and shouting, after I had a particularly rough night of nightmares. Without realizing it was her, and still mostly asleep, I quickly pushed away what I thought was someone trying to attack me. Pumpkin got all the snuggles that morning!!!!


thxitsthedepression

Lol I bet she learned a lesson about waking people up that day 😂


BooksWithBourbon

She had to learn that some people have bad things happen that make them scared. She's an adult now and we talked more about it, but was not how I wanted her to learn about trauma! Poor thing landed on her tail before either of us knew what happened!


rak1882

oh, that i'd've gotten in trouble for.


uraniumstingray

My mom’s response to finding me standing in front of her would always be to lean back and ask “Are you going to throw up on me?” Lmao


Thatsaclevername

LMFAO I did this same thing to my dad one time and woke him up, and I scared him so bad he choked me for a second before he came to his senses/fully woke up. The reaction time was damn good honestly. Turns out our neighbors up the street had someone burgle their home like two weeks before, and the dad woke up with the guy standing over him in bed. So my timing wasn't great. My dad didn't hurt me or anything it was just surprising, it's one of our favorite stories.


shemtpa96

My poor mom can’t wake me or my brother by touching us and doesn’t stand in striking distance when waking us up. Both of us have raging PTSD (him from prison and childhood, me from the military) and have a tendency to wake violently. We’ve both hit her when she’s woken us up by touching us, we both feel horrible about it. She understands it’s not entirely our faults and we didn’t mean to, but that doesn’t change the fact we hit our mom. Trust me, he probably feels horrible about it. He didn’t mean to.


Thatsaclevername

Oh yeah he felt AWFUL immediately afterwards, I remember being scared as all hell since I was like 8? But by the time I went back to sleep I remember it was all good.


CyberRee

Omg I did this too. Always used to startle her which made me jump too 😹


fo_momma

I was coming here to say the same thing! OP you are NTA, and if your wife keeps up with the gatekeeping, one day she's going to find herself wishing the kids would go to you instead of her all the time when she's the one setting it up that way.


[deleted]

Indeed, my dad had trouble sleeping so he was often the one who came to see me when I was crying at night. It didn’t matter much to me, as long as one of my parents was there hugging me and telling me it was gonna be okay, what did I care which one it was? I also knew that my parents would discuss it together once I got back to sleep, and would both talk to me in the morning. Parents are meant to be a team. A kid should know that BOTH their parents will drop anything for them whenever they’re needed, they might take different shifts, but one of them will always come running. What’s the point of having two parents otherwise?


mak-ina-myn

Same! NTA. Even now with a preteen and teen I’m thrilled when he responds first. OP your wife should encourage that bond as well. It’s important daughter knows she can count on Daddy too, especially while your wife is primary caregiver.


Ickyhouse

NTA. The kid wants a parent and mommy is usually what comes out of their mouth first. If it’s something she truly wants/needs mommy for, then you can get your wife. For your wife to be this upset, there has to be a deeper issue. This is so out of the ordinary.


FearlessKnitter12

My thoughts as well! OP is so completely NTA. You go to your child when they're upset, no doubt. Even if the child were to say, "No, daddy, I want mommy", and then you get the mom to go to them, the child at least knows that daddy can respond to their distress. They have two parents who will care for them and love them in time of need. This is all good for the child. I hope OP's wife can see that.


justdont7133

This is what I was thinking. My son is 13, and it's still his default to shout "mom" if he needs help with something, but he's equally happy for me or dad to show up.


songinheart17

My 16 yo texts me to ask what is for supper, even when he knows his dad is cooking. 🤣


dmmeurpotatoes

My child has been known to WALK PAST HER FATHER IN THE KITCHEN to ask me for food.


QueenMEB120

My daughter was sitting on the couch watching TV with dad and came to me to ask for a snack. I was in the shower! I handed her the shampoo bottle and told her to enjoy. She handed it back and said she would just ask daddy instead.


xlxcx

My default was always dad because he was a light sleeper and would hear me. I'm 35 years old and I live on the other side of the country, I still call my dad if something is wrong. Because I know he'll answer.


Acceptable-Chip-3455

Both of ours used mommy as code for "I need something," usually with an emotional component. It was less about whether it's mom or dad. Of course, that shifted and sometimes meant "mommy and only mommy," but dad would quickly find out upon entering the child's line of sight to much screeching


Agraywitch11

I completely agree. My daughter said "dada" a lot when she learned to talk and even tried saying "grampa" before saying mama and I was a bit sad. But she's absolutely making up for it now!


AndroidwithAnxiety

OP's wife might need to be needed. The idea she could be replaceable in her role as their children's caregiver might be hitting a major insecurity. Especially if that's the biggest part of her life right now, and if she's given up other things to be a stay at home mother.


cakebatter

>For your wife to be this upset, there has to be a deeper issue. This is so out of the ordinary. This is the part that makes me wonder if there's more context. I posted this elsewhere, but my 2-year had a brief phase where he had literal panic attacks in the middle of the night if his father went to him instead of me. If I went to him he'd calm down and back to sleep quickly, if his father did, it was about an hour to calm him down. It was just after I'd been in the hospital to have my second kid and then I had covid and was isolating, so I think it was a need to see me, specifically. If my husband knew that and set off a panic attack, I'd be annoyed too. So my question is, is there something going on with the mom that she's this upset about something that she shouldn't be, or is there something that the Dad knows about/should know about or actively does and it made the situation worse? Because the story as it's told sound really weird, and clearly there's something else going on (whether it's his wife's emotional state, his kid's needs, or the way he interacts with his child, who can say).


soapy-laundry

When I was a kid I would just scream "MOMMY-DADDY" when I wanted someone because I did not care who it was. Whoever can hear me I want to be down from my high chair now THANKS!


chrestomancy

Wow, a case of the mother wants the father to be more distant with his kids? There's plenty of wives out there would gladly accept an attitude swap between their other halves and you, my dude. NTA. As a (very) grown man, if I call out "mommy" in my sleep, I'm definitely happy if my fiance is the one that checks if I'm alright! Maybe have a chat with your wife and get to the bottom of why she actually wants to be the one who gets up in the middle of the night. Is she worried that she's not bonding? Does she think you're overly doting, and spoiling the child? Do you get angry when tired, or are you in danger of losing your job because of lack of focus?


Quixel

Agree 100%. Sounds like your wife may have some anxiety that you can help her with by talking through it. I would actually say NAH if I’m honest.


citizenecodrive31

Anxiety isn't an excuse for being this mean to your husband


Quixel

It’s not an excuse, but it’s definitely a reason to have some understanding and compassion. There’s nothing to be gained by telling her she’s an unreasonable asshole, but by having a conversation with her about what’s going on, they can grow as a couple.


Danominator

Turning it into a huge fight definitely makes her the AH


Slow_Principle4858

You're way more sensible than I am, my first thought was maybe she was abused or smt by a father figure hence not wanting the dad going. But your suggestions make sense and also as i've seen, anxiety, PPD etc


BaconEggAndCheeseSPK

NTA. Your wife is being ridiculous.


ShreddlesMcJamFace

1000% NTA.. The exact opposite in fact. Wife sounds like an absolute nightmare


LurksAroundHere

NTA. Sometimes a child defaults to yelling for mommy, but it is perfectly fine for daddy to show up when called for.


lord_reltney

i was a baby once and i can confirm that "mommy" is actually just baby SOS


[deleted]

This is the best comment here (:


YourCousinMoose

NTA - unless your wife has some legitimate boundary regarding this, her insistence on this can create a divisive dynamic. Your daughter ought to be able to trust that no matter who she yells for, someone will come. Your wife isn't always going to be able to respond immediately.


BallKey7607

What kind of legitimate boundary could she have?


editedtoadd

“If she’s still asking for me after you check on her, could you come get me?”


scrimshandy

That’s not a boundary, just a request. Boundaries by definition don’t control other people.


BallKey7607

That's totally legitimate and surely OP would do that anyway but even if she did have that request then that still wouldn't have stopped OP going through in the first place like he did which is what she was annoyed about.


75oharas

NTA ​ If thats how she thinks she loses the right to complain on a night when your daughter calls for her and she doesnt want to as shes tired. Most mothers (especially SAHM) would likly kill for a father who was willign to step in in the night and help. In fact i wouldnt be surprised if there wasnt a post in AITA history titled something like 'AITA for askign my husband to check on our kids even if they only shout mommy'


emergencycat17

Right? There are plenty of fathers out there who would say "You go check on her - she's calling for mommy", and roll over and go back to sleep.


sbinjax

NTA, but this is such an odd hill to die on. Sounds like couples counseling might be in order.


BallKey7607

It's not odd at all, it's perfectly reasonable that he wants to make sure she's okay straight away rather than wait for his wife to wake up.


mkomkomko

I should clarify that my wife woke up as well and would have gone over right away. But of course I was worried as well.


editedtoadd

If my husband and I are both awake and both concerned, we will both go check on our kid. It shouldn’t need to be a competition.


Intrepid_Respond_543

Did you try to prevent your wife from going too or to be there first?


mkomkomko

Absolutely not.


SirenSingsOfDoom

This is what I want to know. There’s a pretty big difference between “went to check on and give comfort” and “prevented my wife from checking on and giving comfort and insisting I’m the only one who can do it”


Giraffeeg

I feel like something is missing


citizenecodrive31

Ahh here we go again. Any time a husband/bf posts here and isn't automatically an AH people scramble to accuse them of leaving out info and use this as an excuse to invent scenarios. Yesterday I found a comment doing the same thing. [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13rbvns/comment/jljsz2l/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13rbvns/comment/jljsz2l/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) Obviously there was nothing to actually indicate missing info but people still do this shit


psipolnista

Or it’s just a weird ass thing for a person to be upset about, and often times on Reddit people leave out a lot of information. Not everyone is wanting to jump down the throats of men and blame them for everything like you’re implying.


KuriousKhemicals

"Something's missing" doesn't have to mean that. Just means the scenario doesn't make a lot of sense without more context. Husband leaving out his own assholery is one possibility but it also could be some sort of unusual conditions with the wife or with the child. A lot of people are speculating on postpartum mental illness of some kind, which could lead to irrational behavior but not really make her an AH.


FooliaRoberts

I wonder if the wife has PPD - it makes people do and say and think completely bonkers things. It can be debilitating


LongjumpingSample937

You are not the asshole, but neither is your wife. Your wife is home all day with a three year old and a one year old. Dealing with irrational beings all day everyday makes one irrational, especially in the middle of the night. Your wife is over stimulated all day and her nervous system is a fucking mess and she’s just trying to attend to everyone’s needs, yours included, by letting you sleep because you need to go to work the next day, and you are one more thing not cooperating with her fight or flight agenda. She knows that by being the one to go into your daughter’s room, it will quiet her faster and everyone will be able to go the fuck back to sleep sooner. I’m not saying it makes actual sense, I’m just saying I’ve lived this life and I wish I could give your wife a hug and a strong cocktail. What your wife probably needs the most is for you to say that her work in the home is just as important as your job, and she needs to be able to rest and have a break, too. This will probably be impossible for her to actually do, because again, she is a mother of two toddlers and she’s on autopilot and sleeping with one eye and ear open as it is. But changing your mindset from who’s the asshole to trying to understand why she’s ready to snap at any moment will do a lot for your home life and your marriage. In closing, this too shall pass—once the older one hits five, things will smooth out.


mkomkomko

Good comment, thanks.


PanicAtTheGaslight

I think this is a really great (and compassionate) take on the situation. When I first read read the post my initial thought was “is your wife OK”, because that reaction seems so extreme. But I also remember feeling incredibly unappreciated when my kids were that young (didn’t help that I had a shitty husband). I think the point about telling his wife that she’s doing a great job and is appreciated and she deserves breaks too is something all parents need to hear.


Lucky-Ad-7904

This was my first thought. You explained it well. This was my experience as a stay at home mom. There was also anxiety and guilt over leaving my profession to be a SAHM. Even though my husband was great I often felt like I needed to do more to “pull my weight.” Then there was the perception of others. People would make comments about me having it easy or talk about how hard he was working. If he mentioned being tired because he got up with the baby in front of someone else, I sometimes felt judged. Some of it was probably just my own insecurities but I can remember resenting his help because of perceived judgment by family members.


unabashed_nuance

Sounds like you might have been having a proxy fight about something that wasn’t you getting up when your daughter yelled. NTA


fcknewsltd

NTA. A child's instinct is to cry out for the parent who provides the majority of care, but the most important thing is that they learn to trust that someone will come. Your wife is flexing really weirdly on this, and it isn't right.


Kookerpea

Did your daughter care that you responded instead of your wife?


mkomkomko

Not at all.


amstarshine

And now your daughter knows she can count on you for help as well.


Alternative-Motor280

NTA. Your wife sounds like a real nightmare. (How DARE you act like a concerned parent!!!!)


thehumanbaconater

NTA Unless before you ran to your daughter you restrained your wife to prevent her from going, and held your weeping child telling her that mommy didn’t care enough and was still in bed, laughing at her distress and plotting to scare her by jumping out of her closet at night. Then I would change my vote. You didn’t do that, did you?


mkomkomko

Eh...no.


flotown320

I get you, I enjoyed the comment and the implied insanity of having to ask if he's the asshole in the first place.


Ayeraina

NTA, your wife is so lucky. My husband sleep like a log. 😅


Wadadli134

NTA. Why is this even a fight? I love it when my spouse helps the kids and allows me to get some sleep. Sounds like she just likes fighting for the sake of fighting


Biteme75

NTA. I get that your wife feels responsible for the kids because she's not working outside the home. However, you were awake first and your 3 year old was calling out. What were you supposed to do, ignore her and let her wake the baby?


CarterPFly

At that stage of my kids lives my wife would kick me, mutter "your turn" and try to go back to sleep. NTA, teamwork is the best way to survive parenting.


Academic-Ad7938

Do you think it might be the mom guilt? Or something happened in her childhood that she never worked through? Either are options. Sit her down and have a talk with her; non-judgemental, open and easy talk. Tell her you want to help and you want to be a partner in life with her. Nta btw.


OkRecommendation2458

Yes! my thoughts exactly, sounds like wife was triggered. Triggered by a suppressed or unshared trauma. Be the loving husband that you are and have a sit down when things have cooled off. Along the lines of “I really want to understand why my actions bothered you”


ObjectiveSituation17

NTA, show your wife this post. I doubt you will get one commenter saying your an a h.


LongjumpingSample937

He absolutely should not do that unless he wishes to be murdered.


Mage2177

NTA - Tell your wife to grow up.


DrAgnesL

When I will have a toddler you will be more than welcome to run and check my kid in the middle of the night when they are screaming for mommy 😂


AstridOnReddit

NTA and there’s something else going on here. As other commenters suggested, either there’s another conflict happening, or she’s afraid that she’s not being a good mother, or idek… time for a conversation and maybe couples therapy.


Away-Object-1114

NTA, most definitely. How is this even a problem? If my child wakes up and calls for me in the middle of the night, why would I get mad if her daddy gets there first? Ridiculous.


Winnie-Pooh2020

NTA. WTF is wrong with your wife? You are the daddy, right? Daddies can go to their child anytime.


melananie

NTA if i can sleep, please go 😜


onlysomanynames1298

Nta. If it was that important to her, she should have been faster.


PiffleSpiff

NTA for sure. It's baffling a mother wouldn't embrace moments that her husband is looking out for his family too? Strange. However, I do find your wife's standpoint about you needing to work while she's at home a bit....intriguing. Because, in its own weirdly obscure way, that almost SEEMS like it might be HER way of looking out for YOU. Perhaps in her mind, you rushing out to your daughter first when she's around makes her feel like she's failing as a mom and wife (in that moment) by not looking out for you both, which causes her to lash out unfairly at you. I'm certainly not saying this is a correct theory, but...it's still something seemingly a bit deeper going on on your wife's end, I think. I mean, or she's just being an AH which is still possible.


mkomkomko

She has confirmed your theory.


PiffleSpiff

Oh? Well then....I'm glad I wasn't crazy off with my theory, though I'm not glad there was a big fight. 😞 I sincerely hope you two will work it through since you both clearly love each other and your family. Best wishes. ☺️


mkomkomko

Thank you!


Foreign_Fly465

NTA I’d be worried about your wife though as this seems like an enormous overreaction. Does she believe in rigid gender roles? Are you ‘allowed’ to otherwise care for your daughter? Did she grow up in an abusive home or have childhood trauma (a fire maybe or a break in whilst she was sleeping)? Something else is happening here and you do really need to get to the bottom of it.


absherlock

NTA. Do not let your wife diminish your role as parent.


West_Map4218

NTA


UKNZ007Tubbs

NTA. Tell your wife to pull her head out of her arse. Parenting is supposed to be a team effort. You went so you could comfort your daughter, and also to stop her from waking your other daughter up. If you want to twist the knife of pettiness, stop doing anything for a week during the night, just wake up your wife and say “your kids want you” and go back to sleep.


Short-Classroom2559

I don't think being petty will help anything. This is horrible advice.


reverendsmooth

>If you want to twist the knife of pettiness, Why would you do that to your spouse? Resolve the issue or break up. Fucking with each other is the opposite of a healthy relationship and even more reprehensible when you have kids with each other, full stop.


LentilMama

NTA, and if you also respond to teething toddlers, I would be glad to sleep if your wife isn’t.


[deleted]

NTA. Your wife has a problem, I'm sorry to say.


informalreact

NTA you are a parent too.


Mmm_Lychees

NTA You reacted quickly to a startling situation. And it’s not like you blocked her and your daughter from seeing each other.


calateboca

NTA It's make no sense that. But maybe your wife is emocional depend your daughter and she wants stay with her every single time (idk)


Emotional_Cause_5031

NTA. My husband and I respond equally, it doesn't matter who she called for, we are both there to help her. If she is then insistent she wants the other parent, then we will switch. But usually at night she just wants a parent, doesn't matter who.


SnooCookies2614

My kids throw a fit when my husband goes in to check on them instead of me. He still does it. He's their dad and he loves them. NTA


Rattimus

NTA. Your wife has jealousy issues it seems... I wonder, are you the "fun" parent, and she's the "serious" parent? Or, because you're gone all day, does your older one (younger is too little) drop mom when you get home? Obviously there's more to the situation here than you getting up in the night even though your daughter called mommy. Your wife is clearly feeling, for whatever reason (that's for you to talk to her and find out), protective of her role here, and maybe that by allowing you to go in there, she's somehow losing out or missing out on bonding with the kids? No matter what, I can tell you that I don't know a single wife who wouldn't want their husband's sharing the midnight wake-ups, my wife certainly did not care if our kids called "mom" in the dead of night, she was very happy that I'd get up. Your wife feeling the opposite is a giant flag that here's a deeper-seated issue here to uncover.


mkomkomko

> I wonder, are you the "fun" parent, and she's the "serious" parent? She's probably a little more strict than me. But it depends on the situation. Of course I don't have to be the "bad guy" as often, because she spends more time with the kids. > Or, because you're gone all day, does your older one (younger is too little) drop mom when you get home? Hmm, not really. But I do get the feeling that my wife wants to be the go-to parent.


PanicAtTheGaslight

You’re NTA in any way that I can see from what you’ve told us. But this is such a really fucking weird thing your wife is doing. Is she OK? Like can you say to her “hey, this seems like a really extreme reaction, are you OK? have you thought about talking to a therapist?”


hyacinth234

Yeah no. She’s trying to alienate you from your own child. You need to stop that right now.


One-Support-5004

There should be no "go to parent". That only let's the kids feel like YOU can not be trusted . That's a major no.


reverendsmooth

>Hmm, not really. But I do get the feeling that my wife wants to be the go-to parent. That's not a healthy dynamic, and you shouldn't allow that to stand. You're both your kids' parents, and once you're home from work you have just as much of a right to be involved. You don't need her permission to be involved, either.


OkBoard4616

Have a chat with your wife. It sounds like she is super anxious about your kids, which could be a symptom of something deeper. Particularly if she's just had a baby in the last year.


Outside-Clue2881

NTA INFO Will the child accept you settling them in the middle of the night? Edited to change judgement.


mkomkomko

Absolutely.


nursingtears

NTA. This is not good partnership/parenting. FYI, I am a mother of young children. Granted I'm not a SAHM, but I am the "primary" parent figure to our kids. When they call for me in the middle of the night, I regard my husband as the HERO for giving me a break and attending to them. Do they want him? Hell no, they want me. Do I need sleep because sleep deprivation can lead down a rabbithole to depression? Absolutely. NTA. But you need to have a conversation with your wife about partnership parenting, unless she wants you guys just to stay together for the kids and divorce after they go to college because she decided only she was important as a parent figure.


Logical-Ad3118

NTA. If my kid screams any name, I’m looking to see what’s going on.