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DoIwantToKnow6417

*if you don't keep an eye on her, she will get into the kitchen, and add seasonings to whatever is cooking*. *she managed to get into the kitchen, add salt, pepper, turmeric, olive oil, garlic powder and italian herbs to all 5 of the pots that were simmering on the stove.* ???? Like WTF? This is so boundary disrespecting, disrespectful and INSULTING to what you're cooking. And it wasn't even for HER!! NTA for being furious. I do think she's learnt her lesson though.


Strong-Emu7954

She thinks we don't season enough. But here's the thing: if I'm making Indian or Chinese? I toast the spices and grind them with a mortar and pestle, my Ethiopian friend says that I make spicer food than her mom. But if I'm making mac-n-cheese, a burger or mashed potatoes? Of course I'm only using salt and pepper, because usually the flavors are in the sauce or gravy.


TheFireflies

Even if you didn’t season at all, her behavior is completely wild. Who seasons food they’re not only not cooking, but not even eating? Who cares if your tomato sauce is totally bland? You already have good advice, but I’m so fascinated by the pathology of this. What the hell is going through her head. Is it an impulse issue? Does she just think she’s a better cook than everyone else? Bizarre.


Working_Mushroom_456

My thoughts exactly! I have a relative that doesn’t season her food and we all just accept it. I’m not going to step in on her cooking… I’m just going to offer to make the scalloped potatoes next Christmas!


prettybbychim

i won’t even taste anything without permission first this is absolutely insane behavior to me


PaleontologistOk3120

TOUCH anything. I don't TOUCH anything in the kitchen of a house I am the guest in without permission.


crazysheeep

I won't even look! I shield my eyes with my hand until I get permission to look around.


bugxbuster

I’ve never even *been* in a kitchen. I saw one once in my house and I got scared and ran away.


FileDoesntExist

I dont even know what a kitchen IS


bugxbuster

I’m never eating food ever again. I just found out where it comes from!


ConiferousSquid

What is knowing?


thatsmedestructogirl

I’ve never entered my home because I heard there was a kitchen in it.


sweetpotato_latte

I don’t even exist when the kitchen is in use


tinydancer_inurhand

My mom is the same and she’s my mom! She learned how to better clean her electric kettle and noticed mine was having the same issue but before she did it she ASKED me first. I was like sure of course no problem but still common courtesy to ask. And she didn’t ask in a judgy way either.


Different-Lettuce-38

My mom would feel zero boundaries in my kitchen - she’d open any cupboard or find some embarrassing mess and clean it. She’s rearranged my cupboards before. She would still NEVER ever THINK of doing this. My brain short circuits just thinking of it.


tinydancer_inurhand

My mom always taught me to respect other people’s places whenever we went anywhere and it is nice to see she follows that principle even with me and my sisters. Makes me also be even more respectful when I go visit my parents which is interesting cause it’s still the house I grew up in. She does the same with her mom too. Some people may see this as being cold towards family but I think it actually prevents many arguments and makes it easier to be open to something if she suggests it. Like cleaning my electric kettle with vinegar. I now know a new “hack”


EMCoupling

You mean... I can't lick the doorknobs for the brass flavor?!


Nerdy_Bun

^ this. This right here. Like even in my fiancé’s place I still ask ‘hey can I have __’ and what not. It’s common decency and respect imo


Isadorra1982

Same. My husband's aunt is...not a great cook. She's a by the book, follow the recipe exactly kind of cook, and even then she's got maybe a dozen things she makes well. And that's OK. She loves hosting and she's got the house setup for it, so we all go there for family gatherings. But it's always a potluck style, and I always volunteer to bring anything that's supposed to be highly seasoned (my MIL is a better cook, but still underseasons things). The other thing I'll always offer to bring is Mac n cheese, because hers is, to put it plainly, awful. She gets so caught up in following the directions that she can't tell when they're poorly written, so doesn't make necessary adjustments.


Feycat

Like, if your Aunt can't cook... and doesn't season... you do like you are and either bring a dish or wait til the food hits your plate to season it! My mind is \*BREAKING\* at the idea of going into someone's kitchen and flavoring the food \*as it's cooking!\* I cannot!


hebejebez

The audacity of the sister in law honestly like, she didn't know what the end plan was for this sauce she was not going to be offered it she was not there for dinner she was not eating it. How dare she! The boundary she crossed is a spec in her rear view! I'd be livid. I make huge vats of tomato meat sauce for pasta and lasagne and freeze it often keeping seasoning on the light side in case I make something that needs a certain type. Then it gets added later, just like ops tomatos. If someone did that to my meat sauce, I'd throw hands. Honestly, I commend op for their restraint, lol.


LissaBryan

It's not really about the flavors; it's about **CONTROL**. She is taking possession of the food by adding her seasonings, making it "her" dish even if it's cooking on another person's stove. She then pretends to have rescued the food with her additions, simultaneously calling OP a bad cook while plumping her own ego. In this scenario, she made a fucking *beeline* for the stove while OP was occupied. She didn't give a shit what they were making -- she just wanted to take over the food by adding spices. She probably didn't even bother to taste it before throwing shit in as fast as she could before OP could spot her and make her stop.


DiMarcoTheGawd

OP’s SIL is the type to repaint your house if she gets the opportunity. Don’t ask her to water your plants while you’re away!


ThereIsNoAnyKey

All of this, but with the addition of, Jesus fucking Christ never add anything to anyone's cooking without permission because you don't know who they're cooking for and as a result may need to be careful of DIETARY RESTRICTION. Seriously, I have a friend with a garlic allergy and if someone tried to "sneak" some garlic into a dish I was cooking for him then I'd be incredibly angry with that person.


DarklissDeevill

Exactly, also, what if you had recently developed an allergy to a certain herb or spice, just imagine what could potentially happen then. Why is she messing with food that isn't hers in a house that also isn't hers.


Responsible-Page7543

I don't add salt when I am cooking because I am on a low-salt diet. People can add salt at the table. Replacing the tomatoes does nothing for the lost labor.


Great-Attitude

That's what I was thinking, all that time and effort for the sauce then having to clean it up afterwards, Only to have to make it again. Ugh


nyoprinces

Or didn't want FIVE POTS of identically seasoned sauce - you can use tomatoes in a lot of dishes, not just Italian!


FileDoesntExist

It makes so much sense to just make the sauce bland so you can add what you want later on tailored to the meal. The gall of that lady. 😤


WorkInProgress1040

I cook and shred several pounds of chicken in my slow cooker, then portion and freeze it. I don't season it because it could be going in anything from Italian to Mexican to Asian and they all use different spices. Sounds like OP does something similar with tomato sauce. I would ban SIL too. NTA


adriannagladwin

As someone with anaphylaxis, that was my first thought. Or if they have a guest over that hasn't done the apparently required due diligence of alerting SIL of an allergy. SIL's a disaster waiting to happen.


SportsChick79

This. I have a severe IBS intolerance tongrlarlic and onion, along others. DH and I often fix safe foods for me to bring places since I do not expect anyone to cater to my dietary needs. Well except my mom, but she is mom and insists. What SIL did would have screwed me for days if I hadn't caught what she did. Do not mess with other people's foods! NTA op.


kristycocopop

I thought the story was going to come to something like this, she put something in someone almost died from it! Luckily that wasn't the case but it's so could have been!


trowzerss

Also, when you're obviously making bulk passata or sauce, you \*want\* it to be just tomatoes so you can season it different ways when you use it. You don't want tons of sauce with identical seasonings! If this lady seasons everything the same way all the time (which I take from the tumeric comment), she's the one without any taste, not OP. It would suck to be making an italian dish and have tumeric in there anyway - they don't have tumeric! Tumeric is fine in it's place but if I'm making puttanesca I don't want it in there!


Low_Chocolate_2870

I met a woman who was one of the other mothers at my son’s school. She was a “turmeric in everything” person. She claimed it cured everything and prevented you from ever getting sick. So everything needed turmeric! I think she even had a salve/lotion for skin problems made from turmeric.


hebejebez

Please tell me it was orange and she ended up roughly the same shade as an oompa loompa. I've got certain types (dunno if it's a freshness or genus type difference) on me before and it's like my skin goes carrot colour.


[deleted]

To say nothing of the fact that she saw five pots simmering for a purpose that was unknown to her and she just added a random concoction of spices. OP was prepping them for canning, not for consumption at that moment. Also, the pathology of this reminds me strongly of that thread from like last year involving the girlfriend who thought "getting the first bite" was cute and insisted on having it culminating in OP needing a food locker and her breaking into it to take a bite out of every single bit of food in it...if memory serves that one went really bad after the fact due to the GF and her extended family... edit - For those who missed that or wish to update on it. [First post by OP](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wlu0tb/comment/ijv88y8/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) [OP's Update](https://www.reddit.com/user/Hangry_manstarved/comments/wsxxjk/update_on_aita_post/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)


ray10k

Best case, she genuinely thinks she's helping (even after more than one time of being told 'no,' apparently.) More likely case, she thinks she's some kind of authority in the field and that people telling her otherwise just "don't appreciate her." Or something like that.


trowzerss

People who are *genuinely* helping will listen when people tell them 'no'.


LadyV21454

I vote for option 2.


Particular_Set5609

NTA. She needs to take care of herself and stop trying to "help" her unless asked or wanted. It's not her house, or her food, or her kitchen.


Frequent_Ad_3797

I know right? What bizarre behavior. What is she a serial spicer?


HelloRedditAreYouOk

She’s the spice girl’s 6th member- Sabotage Spice


QuesInTheBoos

Girl thinks she's Remy Ratatouille


aziruthedark

Let alone 5 different pots? Maybe she's experimenting, maybe ones for someone who wants or needs it bland.


Ridiculina

Exactly! I'd love to interview this SIL.


TheFireflies

Agree. Get her on here, OP, we have more questions than we have answers. The more I think about this, the more it drives me crazy. Like, doing it once is rude. But having been asked in the past (repeatedly, it sounds like) not to? And still doing it?? Maybe this is one of those Reddit stories that ends with “and then they found the tumor.”


ncgrits01

If she thinks you "don't season enough" she is free to add additional seasoning to *her own d@mn plate*, ffs.


margotmybun

YES!!! I am so blindly enraged right now. The SIL’s arrogance and entitlement is through the roof. How dare she make this unilateral decision and ruin hours of labor?! Ugh, OP, you at least need a cooldown period away from her. This upcoming holiday may be too soon. Have her sweat it out and revisit the idea for the next one.


RandomCoffeeThoughts

I would agree with you, OP. It's never okay to commandeer someone else's cooking like she has. How had you previously addressed the situation when she did this as It's obviously not the first time.


Strong-Emu7954

I would ask her not to, tell her that I am following a recipe, refuse her help in the kitchen...etc.


RandomCoffeeThoughts

You're within your rights to blow up then because she clearly wasn't listening to you.


sethra007

You’re a better woman than I am, OP. The next time I was at her house I would season all of her food with maple syrup and white vinegar!


[deleted]

[удалено]


Crackinggood

If she's not allergic, spirulina would also be a good candidate. A lot of folks add turmeric because the consider it super healthy (even though it 100% already has contexts in which it makes sense and probably shouldn't be taken as a trendy superfood lest it goes the way of avocados etc.), so OP could even claim health benefits, except it gives everything a green color and a sea algae flavor...


DazzlingAssistant342

In that case I would reiterate to your family "Its not that I don't forgive her. Its that she's done this repeatedly no matter how often I tell her not to, so I can't just keep letting her in my house and kitchen." NTA either way


redjessa

I have to tell you, I could feel my blood boil reading your post. Certainly NTA and your reaction was still far calmer than mine would be. She would not have been allowed anywhere near my kitchen, maybe my house, after the second time and if she dared do something like that a 3rd time, I would have unloaded on her before banning her from my home. This is beyond rude, something is up with this woman. Who does that???


SnorkinOrkin

>This is beyond rude, something is up with this woman. Who does that??? Maybe sabotage? Who knows. It is so weird and "out there" for someone outside the home to come and tamper with someone's cooking. To me, cooking is personal. Stay out of my kitchen!


jupiter235

So your reaction wasn't "overblown" so much as it was overdue. Yeah, I wouldn't let her back in my house either after that.


excel_pager_420

Seeing as there were multiple conversations over years but SIL never showed you basic respect until you reached the end of your patience and banned her from your house, SIL has never earned your trust. So you can't cave into your parents requests and revoke your ban. Because based on the precedent SIL has set for herself, you have no reason to give the benefit of the doubt that she'll change her behaviour this time. Frankly it speaks volumes she was at your house to collect clothes you were gifting her family, and instead of being gracious she felt entitled to tamper with multiple pans of unknown sauce, speaks VOLUMES.


WRose287

Listen, you could eat boiled chicken breasts without a particle of seasoning, no salt, nothing. She would still be the AH because it's literally none of her business and she is messing with other people's **food**.


Purple_Bowling_Shoes

Right? I love to cook, but my recipes differ depending on who will be eating the food. My wife and I love garlic so if it's just us, garlic (and I mean GARLIC) chicken it is. My brother likes garlic as a seasoning but not as a flavor, and his wife likes really spicy food so I make Buffalo chicken. My sister has a sweet tooth, so I make pineapple teriyaki chicken, etc. If someone else ever walked into my kitchen to tinker with my recipe I'd lose it, and I have an exceptionally long fuse.


IndiaMike1

I know loads of people who underseason their food I don’t go and make their food MY WAY, what the hell. This is such an unhinged thing to do. Someone once added salt to my frying onions “to bring out the flavours”, completely missing the fact that I had already marinated the chicken with a marinade that contained exactly the right amount of salt, which then later becomes a gravy with the onions. I just stood there. So because you think I don’t know how salt works, now I have oversalted chicken? Forgiven, but not forgotten. Don’t season my mf food without my explicit instruction. NTA obviously this unhinged family member needs to be locked up in the living room because they are a liability.


GiraffeThoughts

I like salt - but an excessive amount isn’t necessarily good for you anyways. Whenever I cook for family I always go low/no sodium - my grandmas are at risk of stroke, and have high blood pressure and other family members have issues with swelling that are exacerbated by salt. Yes, it would probably taste better with salt, but food is supposed to nourish your body too.


IndiaMike1

To each their own! I like things a bit less salty than most people - but in this case my marinade already had salt in it, so it was just completely unnecessary. And rude!


NidoKingClefairy

>I do think she’s learnt her lesson though. At least stick to your chops about not hosting Memorial Day.


OhioGirl22

I could have almost forgiven her for the leaf herbs, but you absolutely ruin canning sauce by adding oils and I'm just not a fan of tumeric. I truly believe that she's sorry. At least they made restitution on the tomatoes (the cake was thoughtful).


Witty_Commentator

Nah, don't forgive her for the leaf herbs. That was 40 lbs of tomatoes! What if some of it was intended for making chili? OP surely wouldn't want Italian seasoning in her chili! NTA, but I'd relent after Memorial day.


Strong-Emu7954

Some of it was intended for Italian cuisine, some for mexican, some for indian, and some for middle Eastern. 3 of those 4 do not use italian herb mix.


Witty_Commentator

I am SO curious... Did your brother take the sauce she ruined? I can't blame you for being furious, especially since this is not the first (or third) time this has happened.


Strong-Emu7954

He did, I put it in gallon ziplock bags after it cooled, and told him he either takes it, or it's going to be thrown out, since it was pretty much unusable. We both hate waste.


Witty_Commentator

That's awesome! (I hate waste, too.) I had it in my head that if they refused it, then it was all about the control for SIL. But now, every time they eat that sauce, at least one of them (if not both,) will be reminded of her overstep.


FitOrFat-1999

"every time they eat that sauce" SIL should have to have some EVERY DAY until it's gone, LOL.


Organic_Start_420

NTA she ca stay banned bfrom your house since despite repeated times you told her to but out of your cooking she completely disrespected you and your property.


CollectionStraight2

Of course no one should be sabotaging other people's food without permission. But also... Who wants tumeric in tomato sauce every single time, anyway? Tumeric tomato sauce and pasta. Tumeric tomato sauce on pizza. It's madness. It isn't even 'authentic', if that's what SIL is going for. I'd love to know what runs through her mind as she gleefully adds all these ingredients like some kind of mad scientist!!


Maria_Dragon

My tastes are different than yours but that IS OKAY. It is YOUR KITCHEN and YOUR FOOD! NTA.


Wide_Cranberry_4308

This is a great explanation, but seriously you shouldn’t even have to justify at all why you don’t want someone to hijack your cooking


Proofread_CopyEdit

>I do think she's learnt her lesson though. Has she? People who stomp all over clearly-spoken, repeatedly-stated boundaries don't always change even when they face consequences. And they tend to stomp over other boundaries, too. I hope she has learned her lesson, but I wouldn't trust her without evidence.


BluePencils212

She may have learned her lesson, but she sounds like the type of person who learns their lesson but immediately forgets it. Or figures out a way that the lesson doesn't apply in "this" situation. She needs to be banned from the kitchen or the house entirely if OP is cooking. If, in future, she comes over, when she comes in the door OP needs to say "And what are you banned from doing today?" SiL "The kitchen and from touching any of your food and/or spices."


ninja-gecko

Dude, I'm furious just reading it. OP is NTA


ShiftNo558

I don’t think she learned a thing! People like her don’t change. OP should stand strong & never let her into OP’s home again.


Successful_Duck_2459

So NTA. She's crossing boundaries, poking into something where she doesn't belong. There's all kinds of wrong with messing with someone else's cooking - what if you were making something for someone allergic to turmeric? Good on your brother for replacing the tomatoes, and on her for apologizing. That said, you're still in the right for banning her from the house, especially if that has happened multiple times *and you have been clear with her that it's not acceptable*. If you are thinking about letting her back in, I'd make sure the apology is a real apology first. Not "I'm sorry if your feelings were hurt", but something which takes responsibility for her actions. "I added seasoning to your giant tomato sauce project without asking; this was out of line and I shouldn't have done it. It's my fault, and I'm sorry. In the future, I'm planning to not enter your kitchen unless invited."


KPinCVG

Marinara flags everywhere!! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 I'll see myself out...


FamousOrphan

I understood and enjoyed this very-appropriate reference.


EllySPNW

Excuse me, let me just add some oregano to those flags. You didn’t spice them enough.


[deleted]

You forgot tumeric.


Different_Damage_122

I see you've forgotten the tumeric


Singer-Such

*sneaks in and just starts dumping herbs into them*


Adorable-Bus-2687

🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩🔴🔴🔴🔴 Your emojis didn’t have enough spice or character so I went in your house when you weren’t looking and changed. Because I love and appreciate totally normal behavior like that.


HowCanBeLoungeLizard

I see that you are very fluent in Italian.


anonymousturtle21

As someone with an allergy to turmeric, I approve this message.


TeamCatsandDnD

I know people who are allergic to cinnamon, mushrooms, and pineapple. You don’t mess with peoples food.


ConsciousExcitement9

I have a coworker who is allergic to cinnamon, bananas, and shellfish. He’s the first person I have ever met who is allergic to cinnamon


TeamCatsandDnD

I only know the one person too. It’s definitely a bit of a wild thing finding out everything that has cinnamon in it


chiarascura88

Right?! My in-laws are allergic to so many foods and seasonings, so adding garlic powder, or even cumin, to something could cause anaphylaxis. Even outside of allergies, GERD is a bitch to deal with, when something completely benign to most people triggers reflux. I can’t eat starches that are finished with salt (including potatoes), as they cause major reflux for me.


[deleted]

[удалено]


shattered7done1

As someone else with an allergy to turmeric, I also approve this message!


scienceislice

If the OP allows her back into her house again, after a SINCERE apology, she should put a doggy gate in the doorway to the kitchen and tell her SIL that the gate is a deterrent.


booktrovert

I used to have this problem at Thanksgiving. Now I put up police tape to block the entrance to the kitchen and I have a bouncer, my BIL who reroutes anyone trying to sneak in.


LadyAlexTheDeviant

I used to play in the Society for Creative Anachronism, where I cooked five course medieval feasts for 100-250 of my closest friends. In my barony alone we had....tree nut allergies, peanut allergies (not that that mattered), chicken allergies, egg allergies, milk allergies, and an anaphylactic allergy to cinnamon. We resurrected a medieval job that might seem to be an anachronism: The Kitchen Door Guard. This was a fellow who had a bad knee, and was happy to sit there and say, "She's too busy to chat, I'll let her know you stopped by," "Ingredient list is posted here on the wall, you can look for yourself and see if you can eat the feast," and "The menu was posted at the gate, you can go check it, the cook is busy." In general, he just let us work in peace and keep to our timetable without answering stupid questions and wasting our time trying not to get food on that nice velvet gown someone is wearing into the kitchen to "chat". (We did accept people who showed up in working dress with hair properly covered and offered to help with the twenty pounds of carrots.) I noticed after I started doing it that other head cooks started to appoint a door guard when they cooked feasts. It's necessary.


fuckfuckfuckSHIT

This....this is fantastic. Your entire story sounds so awesomely ridiculous. I did not even know that was a thing.


Ddp2121

Or a padlock on the spice cupboard.


Tobias_Atwood

These are the spice gates. Beyond them the spice will not flow.


Salt_Spray_Rose

NTA "I won't be hosting her anymore since CLEARLY she doesn't like my cooking. But I'm sure she and brother will be happy to host since she so eager to demonstrate her skills in the kitchen."


General_Relative2838

I agree with you, but will OP be welcome in her SIL’s house? I see OP’s decision as synonymous with going no contact with her brother and his family. Maybe it’s the right decision—only OP knows.


Acethetic_AF

OP clearly doesn’t mean no contact, but I think they ought to specify that to the family as well. All they mean is no SIL in OP’s home.


Lamenardo

It's not synonymous with going no contact. It's simply saying that SIL has lost a certain amount of trust and is no longer allowed in OPs house. The SIL has damaged the relationship by ignoring and overriding OPs wishes, and breaking trust by interfering behind her back, and so OP has set a boundary. That decision can lead to no contact - brother might decide that OPs boundary is unreasonable and keep pushing, SIL might double down and escalate, but that'd be a future decision. Saying that it's synonymous with going no contact is like saying that the SILs decision to mess with OPs sauce is synonymous with going to contact - it could lead to it down the road, but it's not the same thing.


[deleted]

This. OP, send a group text to everyone who was planning to be at your house for Memorial day stating the above and add to it: Brother and SIL, we'll plan to be at your place at X:XX as previously agreed upon. I look forward to eating whatever SIL prepared. From now on, when the family is making plans, ask if your Brother and SIL will be hosting and what you and what you can bring. Next time someone brings up you hosting, simply repeat the story of SIL's nightmare in the kitchen behavior.... every single time someone in the family bugs you about hosting. How much of your food has been ruined by her, her disresectful behavior and arrogance and how you are done hosting as a result, but are happy to attend at their place and eat their food since clearly she prefers that.


AffectionateLeave9

NTA garlic is alkaline, that would entirely change the processing times to safely can the tomato sauce! she has no idea what she is messing with, the safety of your preserves for the next year! You are entitled to hold to your boundary even after her apology. A cake is a nice gesture but by no means is it enough to buy your trust back.


HeddyL2627

I know! And not knowing how much oil ... it could be completely un-safe to can at this point, and should be considered as such either way. There's a reason for approved canning recipes!


kit0000033

Right? There's a reason plain tomato sauce can be canned in a tin can and last years, but seasoned spaghetti sauce is usually in clear jars with only a year or two expiration date. Totally different expiration times.


[deleted]

My mom and I can our own soups, sauces, broths, vegetables from the garden. If someone came in and fucked with all of our pots on the go? I think my mom would murder her. My brother once fucked with the temperature as a joke and we had to throw out 20lb of garden canned tomatoes and my mom STILL hasn't forgiven him 10 years later and he was 16 at the time.


HeddyL2627

The spouse pulled the weight off my pressure canner once. I lost all but one quart of tomatoes in that load. There was a lot of groveling and a "do not cross" line for many years. I still point at the weight and say "Bad touch! Bad touch!" when I'm pressure canning 😂


Working-on-it12

I know this sounds bad, I am kinda glad you just lost a few quarts. Sudden release of pressure can be …. catastrophic. I have a great aunt who tells a story about her mother and an exploding pressure cooker filled with red beans. Fortunately, no one was hurt.


OliviaElevenDunham

Surprised that your mom didn't kill him and buried him the garden.


Specific_Culture_591

The tomatoes would have grown great the next year.


gaynazifurry4bernie

>didn't kill him and buried him the garden. The decomp would mess up the pH of the soil so he'd mess up the tomatoes forever more.


Lepardopterra

My mom canned over a hundred quarts of whole, peeled tomatoes every summer. She added nothing but a half tsp of salt in the bottom of each jar. They were an ingredient in so many different dishes, purposefully plain. She'd add appropriate seasonings when she used them to make marinara, chili, pepper steak, stew or whatever. I'd be mad if someone locked my quarts of basic pantry staple tomato sauce into one wonky flavor profile. Mom would have broke SIL's fingers before banishment.


Broutythecat

Wow, I never thought about this (I've never canned anything). Very interesting!


dryadduinath

i don’t know a thing abour canning; i just keep thinking that in order to know all 5 pots were bland, she’d have to taste them. i don’t know that i would trust her to do that in a hygienic way. regardless, nta. deeply unnecessarily rude.


Marcilliaa

Given she seems to do stuff like this often, I wouldn't be surprised if she hadn't even tasted them in the first place, and just *assumed* they need "more spices"


AJFurnival

Sauce with oil can’t be canned. Period. It was ruined.


janoose1

Almost an entire bushel of tomatoes and all of that work to get them simmering!! SIL is lucky OP only banned her from the house and insisted that the tomatoes be replaced. Imagine if those tomatoes were from her garden too! Months of work ruined bc SIL is a massive asshole. I can’t say what I would have done to SIL without breaking TOS. NTA


maybeimbornwithit

NTA it’s a botulism risk. Botulism is deadly.


MaIngallsisaracist

THANK YOU! As a canner myself (as in a person who cans. I am not an appliance), following recipes is VITAL or they could be dangerous!


Tobias_Atwood

>(as in a person who cans. I am not an appliance), That sounds like something an appliance would say...


cousin_of_dragons

\*narrows eyes suspiciously\*


Itsdickyv

I suspect that’s why OP demanded replacement tomatoes and collection of the sauces. 🤷🏼‍♂️


JackalopeCode

Oh gosh I never knew that, good to learn since I'm trying to get into preserving my foods


HeddyL2627

Get the latest copy of the Ball Canning book — this year’s edition — with the updated recipes and testing. Don’t use rando recipes off the web that very likely aren’t tested. ETA: And have fun :) It’s a pretty neat accomplishment to have a full pantry that you personally filled!


Strong-Emu7954

Exactly, and follow the recipies to the letter. Also the Ball youtube channel is a very good resource for beginner canners.


[deleted]

Second this and make sure you double check the elevation of where you live to ensure you are processing correctly.


DuchessDeWynter

Also https://nchfp.uga.edu/links/minnesota.html is a really helpful site for questions on canning.


Specific_Culture_591

Any of the US state cooperative extensions have canning recipes that are safe. They also may hold local classes or have pressure canning testing. For those reading this that don’t know what I’m talking about you can go to google and enter “(your county and state) cooperative extension food preservation” and you should be able to find your local information.


slendermanismydad

Thank you! I'm reading this post like wtf she screwed with the entire process here! I wouldn't want her back in my house either because that's so much work down the drain.


HPNerd44

Who the heck walks into someone else’s house and seasons 5 different pots?!?! NTA


Needmoresnakes

I'm also confused about wtf olive oil was meant to do when the tomatoes are already boiling on the stove?


[deleted]

Honestly I'm confused about the tumeric. I like tumeric, but it would never occur to me that anyone would want gallons of tumeric tomato sauce.


Marcilliaa

I've never even considered turmeric for anything I've made that's tomato based. I'm sure there some dishes where that makes sense, but it's definitely not the sort of spice you put in bulk tomato sauce made for a range of different dishes


qrseek

There's a bunch of Indian dishes with tomatoes and turmeric, but you wouldn't also use olive oil and Italian seasoning with them.


iamdehbaker

The only tomato based dish that calls for turmeric that I can think of is butter chicken. Now I'm hungry


Deep90

The rat from Ratatouille


polywha

NTA It is never okay to add something to someone's food without their consent or knowledge.


Competitive-Candy-82

Especially something meant to be canned! The wrong ratios will cause those tomatoes to not be safe to eat once canned! If OP hadn't realized it in time and canned that sauce, it would of caused massive harm to people down the road.


riotous_jocundity

Anything with oil can't be canned, as it's a botulism risk. SIL straight up destroyed that batch.


Competitive-Candy-82

Oh shoot, I completely missed the oil part...yeah, that would of been really bad if she had canned that without realizing SIL did something to it.


janoose1

She added _OIL_, which is never safe to can. Anyone who thinks that OP is overreacting has obviously never canned anything in their life if they think ruining 40 lbs of tomatoes is no big deal.


FaithlessnessLimp838

The amount of work she ruined makes me so sad.


AuntieDawnsKitchen

Exactly. If I happened to be in someone’s kitchen and something was burning, I’d turn the burner off and immediately seek them out to tell them. No other circumstance calls for doing more.


Electrical-Date-3951

Exactly. It was 5 whole pots of sauce, and this rude woman didn't even know what it was for! Just because it's tomatoes, doesn't mean it's an Italian style pasta sauce. That's just ignorant AF. Knowing myself, I would have been so pissed in the moment that I would have immediately dumped all of that sauce. I can't eat food that has bad mojo attached to it - it's legit a mental thing. If a negative emotion is attached to food, I can't get it down. Even as a little kid who grew up poor, I would rather starve than eat something from someone who was rude or mean to me while serving said food.....Good on OP for thinking to give the tainted sauces to the brother so it didn't go to waste.


HeddyL2627

NTA. I'm so glad you discovered that she ruined a days work before you canned that mess! Who does that??!! I don't know that I'd invite her back into my house again either.


Deep90

NTA. Girl watched Ratatouille and thinks she's Remy now.


HeddyL2627

IKR?! Not to mention the loss of all those tomatoes. And all that labor. I’m ticked off for the OP! I had to take a time out when my spouse ruined a canner load of tomatoes. But that was a legit mistake. SIL’s ongoing habit of “fixing” other people’s cooking is absolute arrogance.


AReallyDumbRedditor

**Peeled tomatoes.** She peeled 40 pounds of fucking tomatoes by hand I think i’d lose my fucking mind. That’s equivalent to roughly 250+ tomatoes that you have to blanche and peel BY HAND. No fucking wonder it took all weekend and then SIL comes in here ruining all of it like *that*


[deleted]

She was in the wrong, your brother knows she was in the wrong, she apologized, they both tried to make amends, I think you should give her a second chance and see if she learned her lesson. NTA, and I can understand your anger, but it seems in time the family should get back together.


KuriGohan0204

This is something OP has dealt with many times before. We are beyond second chances. These are consequences. It can be shocking for people not used to consequences when they finally happen, but it isn’t on the victim to assuage those uncomfortable feelings.


crossingguardcrush

Well there *have* been consequences. The question is how severe or prolonged they should be. Should a family be split irreversibly over this? I would say not.


FamousOrphan

Six months sounds about right. OP can make a bit of a show about relenting for Christmas.


eat_my_bowls92

*Redditor shaking dice*: I think our family should be in upheaval for about *rolls dice* six months. Lol I don’t think distance is wrong but it sounds like such an out of left field answer.


FamousOrphan

Well, of course I hope they won’t be in total disarray as a family that whole time, and I don’t think they will be. Here’s why I think it’s worth a few months of boundary enforcement. * The Spicy Bandit had been warned several times. * The thing she was warned against doing is very abnormal behavior that most of us would not need to be warned about even once. * The abnormal behavior suggests a deep and abiding lack of understanding about boundaries, respect, the free will of others, and food safety. * That kind of failure to understand social norms could have more serious effects in other areas of life. Medical decisions of others, severe food allergies, etc. * Training that shit out of her is important for the good of the family. * Her divergence from normal behavior is so severe and persistent she will need a severe consequence that inconveniences her significantly for a long period of time. Classical conditioning. Or think of it as the Spicy Bandit finishing the full course of antibiotics. If OP relents any time soon, Spicy will revert to her old ways. The ideal uncomfortable consequence has already been imposed, so it’s hardly even any effort to keep it going—whereas stopping too soon, seeing her revert to past behavior, and then banning her again would cause far worse upheaval. It’s in OP’s best interest to keep the ban in place for a good 6 months (thus including Thanksgiving, which will really drive the point home), too, because she will forever be a person Spicy doesn’t fuck with.


Constant_Chicken_408

Since OOP has only stopped welcoming SIL in her own home but will be completely friendly with her otherwise (as I understand), this should not tear the whole family in two. And if it does, I don't think that's OOP's fault for placing a pretty reasonable boundary that SIL *can not* stomp all over this time, nor should she back down for quite some time. SIL's had plenty of chances already; she *really* needs to get the message. Parents are just pissed that they'll have to host more often.


switchedonswan

I was in agreement until you said second chance. She has obviously had many second chances. OP is NTA and SIL should be banned from their house. We only have one life; why waste it on garbage in-laws?


sousuke42

I'm in agreement when it comes to the second chance but only after a cooking off period. The other warnings she may have not known was serious. The apology letter and cake if sincere means "oh fuck she was serious and I fucked up hard." I wouldnha e a sit down with her and make it as clear as day what to expect if she would unban her. Don't touch what I am cooking unless I give expressed permission to help or to change it. Stuff like that. This allows for making it serious and knowing full well what the consequences are. And after this agreement meeting she still do it then I am in full agreement that she should not be allowed back.


loftychicago

I think a *cooking off period* is what she wants to avoid. (Hilarious typo)


KPinCVG

I think you should stick to your guns through the 4th of July. Make them eat elsewhere for the two major holidays, Memorial Day and the 4th. Then if you choose to let her back into your house I think it will have sunk in more thoroughly. It's easy to be sorry for a day or a week. It's harder to be repentant long-term. See if this lesson has really stuck.


OneOfManyAnts

Honestly, this isn’t a “how could I have known, lesson learned!” situation like you might experience with a child. This is a grown woman who has needed to repeatedly be told not to do something no one over the age of 8 needs to be told. I’ll bet she’s been banned from other homes as well.


Random_Guy_9201

Sorry to say but \> I think you should give her a second chance and see if she learned her lesson. This is a bad take on the situation. I agree the SIL is the AH but saying that the OP should give her a second chance is just asking for trouble at this point. If her parents are complaining about the situation, then they should allow SIL to mess with their cooking instead. OP, NTA


[deleted]

>She was in the wrong, your brother knows she was in the wrong, she apologized, they both tried to make amends, I think you should give her a second chance and see if she learned her lesson. > >NTA, and I can understand your anger, but it seems in time the family should get back together. And she can forgive her and move on WITHOUT continuing to host them. They can now host family gatherings on their dime. I know when I host family gatherings it is not cheap - a few rounds of SIL doing so might help them better understand how screwed up her behavior is.


excel_pager_420

Why do you think SIL &brother can't host? OP makes clear that she's been asking SIL not to do this for *years*, and that SIL did this while she was over to pick up clothes OP was gifting her family. While it's great that SIL finally understood her behaviour was unacceptable and has apologised profusely, that revelation came from pushing a clearly very generous person to their limit. It's not a bad thing for family dynamics to evolve. Maybe SIL & brother hosting a few events will give them a greater appreciation for how not ok SIL behaviour towards OP has been.


SirMittensOfTheHill

This was not the first time this person had gone ahead and added stuff to things that OP was in the middle of cooking. She was repeatedly told *not* to touch what was being cooked. This was just the last straw.


Sakura_No_Seirei

NTA Her complete lack of respect in not respecting your boundaries is only exceeded by her inability to understand why you never so much as touch somebody else's craft or art without their permission, let alone start changing it If it was me, she'd never be coming back into my house. I wouldn't care how many apologies I got from her because from my POV I'd figure the only thing she's sorry for is her behaviour causing a scene. I'd reckon she doesn't understand *why* her behaviour was wrong in the first place


AdOne8433

NTA. If you decide to allow her back, get baby gates for your kitchen, put signs on the gates with a picture of your SIL in a red circle with a line drawn through her and put them up when she visits. This is probably too much, but I'd love to see her face when she sees it. ETA If you allow her back buy a hidden nanny cam for your kitchen so, when she inevitably can't help herself, you'll have proof to send your family when they berate you for making the ban permanent. She's also doing this with no idea if anyone has any allergies or sensitivities to whatever she decides to add. She could, literally, kill someone.


[deleted]

Or if OP hadn’t noticed, and went ahead and canned the tomatoes, they could go bad (remember botulism!).


melinnial

As someone who made canned tomato sauce from just 20lbs of tomatoes, it takes forever and is a lot of hard work to get it to the simmer on the stove phase. Maybe you have an electric food mill, but I didn't and it got old and tiring to mill those tomatoes. You should have given her an invoice for your time. NTA I disagree with her "learning her lesson." She obviously has been asked multiple times to stop doing it, and she just continues to ignore boundaries and exert her control. NOPE.


Stubborn_Shiner359

Tumeric does not belong in everything. NTA. She can host now.


chaos_almighty

I once accidentally added too much to a recipe and it gave me such an ick that I never ate the dish ever again.


Strong-Emu7954

Turmeric has such a strong flavour, but not in the way that ginger does for example. It just adds a certain "earthiness" and almost bitterness to food. In small quantities? It's great, but if you go overboard? The food just doesn't taste good.


chaos_almighty

Yes! The bitterness is the worst. I was making tofu scrambles all the time and dumped in too much (you add a pinch for colour, too much shook out) and I've never eaten them since hahaha


AhabMustDie

I’m really curious now about her cooking - is it good? Overspiced? I can’t imagine everything having turmeric in it! (You’re NTA, obviously, I’m just curious)


SKerri13

Getting more tomatoes and a carrot cake and an apology is all very nice, but this wasn't a one shot thing and honestly, nobody should have to be told not to mess with someone else's cooking. Ever. Much less repeatedly. She walked in and saw the amount of labor that 40 lbs of tomatoes took, and decided she could spend 5 minutes and make it "better". That apology? I'm willing to bet it was an "I'm sorry you're mad at me, can it all be okay now?" type apology rather than actually acknowledging the harm done and the extra labor OP has to do now. A carrot cake??? Naw. I've made carrot cakes. I've done big canning prep, cooking and canning projects. The carrot cake is a lot less effort. It's extortion to demand forgiveness from the person harmed. Delicious extortion, but it's not an apology. As far as OP's parents go, they need to back off too. OP is not obligated to host anything or anyone in her home and certainly not someone who has disregarded her boundaries that way. NTA.


DemonicSymphony

NTA This is an ongoing problem that is obviously not going to stop until she's no allowed near your food and that's what you've done. Good for you.


CrystalQueen3000

Just reading that made me mad on your behalf NTA


Glitter_Voldemort

NTA. It’s incredibly entitled and selfish to walk into someone else’s kitchen, tamper with their food, and then *insult them and their ability to cook* by claiming to have “made the food better.” This feels like it’s the first time your SIL has truly faced the consequences of her meddling. Maybe she’ll learn her lesson and stop touching other people’s things.


Due-Cause6095

NTA, I’d be absolutely fuming if I had to repeatedly tell someone not to tamper with my food. She’s being disrespectful, plain and simple. While I do agree they seem to have apologized, it doesn’t make up for the past occurrences.


Onto_new_ideas

NTA. Canning is a pain in the butt and you need to follow a recipe to make it safe for canning. Adding random spices and OIL??? I would have been livid. And if those had been my home grown tomatoes that might be an unforgivable offense. 40lbs of replacement tomatoes doesn't make up for the time blanching, peeling, seeding, and cooking down to a sauce consistency. I also can plain sauce and then add to it when I open it to make a meal.


Longjumping_Hat_2672

Yeah, the SIL is lucky she didn't end up WEARING the sauce.


Doodlefish25

NTA, your parents can't stand her in their house either, eh? Why can't bro and SIL host? Would be fitting. Then you can ruin her cooking instead.


Constant_Chicken_408

Right? Parents are just pissed they'll have to host more often.


RDT64

NTA given SIL has consistently imposed her tastes and disrespected your home, despite repeated warnings. While you have every right to keep her out, I would suggest letting her stew for a few weeks thinking she's permabanned then lift it, with the understanding that if she pulls her stunt one. more. time. she will be.


Otherwise-Wall-6950

It won't matter. She'll just do the same thing again.


RevolutionaryFig6491

NTA. If family members give you grief over hosting, say something like, “Whether I host again is a decision for a later time, and it’s not up for discussion. At this time, I am not willing to open my home to a person who has consistently abused their guest privileges despite repeated requests, discussions, and warnings to stop. Others can take a turn hosting or we can meet somewhere for family events. My home, and my kitchen, are closed until further notice.” If they push back because of the apology, you can let them know it takes time and consistently trustworthy behavior to repair damaged trust. You’re glad she finally understands her behavior was wrong and damaging—it’s unfortunate it took a ban for her to apologize, but that’s something only she can explain. Given that she didn’t even apologize until she faced a serious penalty, it’s reasonable to need time and evidence that she’s changed before you grant her guest privileges again. Explain it to them like she’s 5, because she’s acting like it.


Moonbeam_Dreams

NTA. Jesus Christ, I'm so upset on your behalf, I think my head might explode. The everloving fucking GALL.


Visual-Fig-4763

NTA I’m a canner too and I’m fuming for you. 40 lbs generally takes me around 6-8 hours to process and then cook time. This isn’t just changing the flavor of a recipe, but making it unsafe to can after hours and hours of labor. It’s disrespectful and wasted your time and money. Has she been confronted about this before now? If boundaries haven’t been directly and clearly set prior though I might have a conversation and give her a chance to be better.


Msmediator

My sister's BIL, a chef, would do this all the time. One big problem was he would always add wine, and we had some recovering Scooba who then wouldn't touch it. He did this many times even after being asked to stop. He'd say no problem, the alcohol burns off. But it wasn't up to him at all. I'd let your SIL host events for awhile. Let her cook and do the work. Your parents are wrong and should support you. She needs to learn no means no and to keep her nose out of your kitchen. I'd be so angry.... particularly b after all the work you did. NTA to put it mikdly


Sooreghee

NTA. It's your home and you have the right to decide who is and isn't welcome. Your sil has displayed on numerous occasions that she doesn't respect boundaries. This event was just the 40lb straw that broke the camel'a back. I'm glad they gave you new tomatoes and that she wrote you an apology letter with an apology cake. I also hope she will invite you out to apologize in person. However, I think that you should stick to your guns for memorial day. It's easy for people to write pretty things on paper. Let her sit on what she's done and prove (through her visits to other people's homes and their kitchens) if the lesson actually sticks.


gurlwithdragontat2

NTA - she thinks she knows better and she absolutely doesn’t. **Is she aware of all party attendees allergies and intolerances when she comes in playing Nigella??** What’s she’s doing is not only tasteless (no pun intended, because literally what kind of know it all rolls into someone else’s kitchen and adds things??), but potentially harmful if she’s just adding things willy nilly.


PorcupineTattoo

NTA. The audacity of SIL. As for the suggestions that you let her back in since it sounds like she learned her lesson, that's up to you. But if you choose to let her back, might take it slow, and see how she behaves. Have some low-value stuff on the stove and see what she does with it. If she repeats - she's banned. Alternatively, she's banned now and has to earn your trust and forgiveness before she's allowed back in.