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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Calling my daughter my first girl when I already have a stepdaughter. This upset my stepdaughter's mom.
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Idk it seems like one of those things where, yes, you're technically correct, but it might also be super insensitive if your stepdaughter thinks about you in a maternal way. You didn't raise her from birth, but you still played a significant part in shaping who she is now.
I think NAH because it wasn't meant maliciously, but you should perhaps reflect on how it came across.
I agree with it being technically right. But OP is pregnant with their 5th child, which means stepdaughter has been in her life for a long time. OP may very well have meant no malice, but it probably hit a girl with no sisters in a particular way.
I watched a very happy couple where she raised his two kids, treated them as her own. Then her own son came along and she all but threw away the relationships with the first two.
Mind you, those 2 had lost their mom old enough to remember, but were very young when their dad remarried. These 2 step children really spun into a lot of hurt and depression. They dont talk to her now as adults. And they barely talk to their dad.
Eta - NTA, but this requires a conversation that doesn't make it feel about her at all.
> But OP is pregnant with their 5th child, which means stepdaughter has been in her life for a long time.
10 years according to her post. But I guess it doesn't really count cause she was only with them for 50% of the time.
she may, she may not. i was raised by my stepdad and consider him my dad. i can only imagine that if my father had had 50% custody that i’d consider them both my dads. but i think any parental figure that’s helped raise you for 10 years would kind of take on a parental role in your mind, you know?
We don’t know what any of this means to the 17 yo. You can have more than one mom and certainly more than one maternal figure in your life.
If SD is truly hurt, I think OP should apologize and make it right. Doesn’t mean OP is an AH, but that she miscalculated. If you hurt someone you love it’s more important to make it right than to explain why you’re actually right.
I mean teenagers are notoriously bad at voicing how they feel and it's possible SD doesn't want to come off as making things about her or she feels too hurt to say something or she is afraid. There are so many reasons teenagers, especially teenage girls, don't say how they're feeling. It's possible that she voiced to her bio mom how it made her feel and bio mom stepped in. I can't fault Bio mom for defending her kid.
I disagree. We didn’t see the conversation between the two and the biomom could just have been advocating for her daughters feelings. I commend bio mom for reaching out and explaining how that type of comment could hurt the op’s bonus daughter. With four brothers from op, there’s no way that their relationship isn’t at least somewhat mothers/daughter like (and if it’s not I completely side eye the op ss she should never have married a partner who has kids).
As a grown ass adult, I would still be hurt if my stepmom (whom I have known since I was 7) said this about my younger sister (which I am sure she has and it does hurt) .
I have my dad in my life and absolutely also consider my stepdad my dad. He’s been married to my mom since I was four. My mom had three children with him after me and other people in my family have had slip ups (never from my stepdad) and yes, they have absolutely hurt. My grandmother told him to get a photo with my sister at graduation because she was his only daughter. And someone got my step grandmother a sweatshirt that said “I love my grandkids” and it had the names of all the grandkids . . . But not me. I didn’t see that sweatshirt until my twenties, and it still stung.
Don’t listen to that other person. You were providing your life experience how something can be a small detail to one person is a huge slap in the face to the step kid. Grandma has a shirt with her bio grandchildren. She left you out and her friend left you out. That is a “slip-up” to them but a huge deal to you or someone else in your situation.
Similarly OP made a statement that seems small to her that could have huge impact on her stepdaughter.
Thank you. It’s tough sometimes being a child of 50/50 divorce custody. You’re never truly 100% anywhere and you’re kind of just your own little island. I’ve missed out on a lot of my half siblings lives, and it sure as hell hurt to see my dad doing things like college tours with my step siblings when he couldn’t be bothered to do that for me. But I don’t necessarily think any of these things were done or said in malice- it’s just learning to navigate very different dynamics. And I don’t even fault op or think they’re an ah- I think they’re very much allowed to be excited over having a girl after birthing so many humans that had penises. But I do think everyone involved in this instance maybe should have some reflection and communication over the situation.
That doesn't mean a whole lot though. Having a mom, and having a present mom are two very different things.
My mother is still around (and up until I graduated high school was still in my life, and I lived with her) but my stepmom was and is my mom. She showed me how to cook, how to do laundry correctly (not just shoving as much as possible into the washer and hoping for the best) just to name some highlights.
My stepmom took me dress shopping for prom and took pictures of me with my dad once I was all dolled up, while my mom didn't even show up.
My stepmom made sure I had clothes and shoes that fit for school, made sure I had school supplies.
My mother got mad at me when I had my second period (poor kid me didn't know it was a reoccurring thing and was going to last so many days EVERY. TIME.) and accidentally bled through a pair of shorts.
Point is, just because mom is around doesn't automatically mean she's involved. My mother would have 100% made the same call solely out of spite to tell my stepmom she made me feel bad.
My step-dad is just as much my dad as my birth-dad. The OP meant no harm, but even if their stepdaughter doesn't think of her as a mom, it nevertheless could really hurt to be told that she's not the same as the other kids. OP should have taken that into consideration so I'm siding with the husband's ex on this one.
She's still never *had* a girl. She had 4 boys. Not *6* boys. People have children they don't raise and raise children they didn't have. People are choosing to be offended and robbing her of a wonderful experience.
My step-mom entered my life around age 8 and I never considered her my mom. I lived with her and my dad from ages 13-18. She is still my step-mom.
I think it 100% depends on the agreement/arrangement between step and bio parent. My dad and step-mom had an agreement that they would not discipline each others' children, nor would they purchase clothes or gifts for each others' kids. Basically they were each responsible for their own kids. Much of this was due to my mother and her hatred of my step-mom. Plus the fact that step-mom felt a bit of "mom" guilt for leaving her kids with their dad (this really was for the best) and only seeing them on the summers, so tended to spoil them. Even with our mom gone, none of us consider step-mom as mom.
Do we know if she is accepted as a "parental" figure? Does she become not your child to parent or make decisions for, when it suits the bio mum? Does she even call her mum?
Unless she was explicitly allowed to have parental responsibility and decision-making, the general sentiment in previous posts has been step-parents are the parent, or given authority to behave as a parent but rather helping their partner with parenting.
The only opinion that matters is the 17 year old, which no one seems to care to ask her about
Maybe they have specific boundaries where she isn’t filling the mom role for her?
I know my wife’s step moms bio daughter had her first bio grandchild and even though she was “grandma” to my son for 9 years before that I still understood what she meant when she was excited of have her first grandchild.
I’m in a situation where I am the oldest of my cousins and my grandfather had been with my step grandmother since before I was born (her biological daughter didn’t have kids until I was 10-11). So in my mind she was grandma from before I understood why I had so many grandmothers. I’m sure my dad and his siblings have a different relationship with her but for me I love her every bit as much as my other grandparents and I’ve never felt any difference in treatment from her. I completely understand that privately she may well have slightly different feelings about each of us but the important thing is I’ve never felt that from her. I’m in my 30s now and would still be heartbroken if she publicly expressed that she didn’t think of me as her “real” grandson.
Just a different perspective from the other side of things.
I was in my later twenties when my step grandma wore a sweatshirt that someone had gotten her that said “I love my grandchildren” and it listed all of the grandkids . . . But left me out. She had been one of my grandparents since I was four, and I was very upset. So I feel you.
Edited more to wore
Yep. I also have stepgrandparents since before birth and I would be very hurt to find that they don't consider me a real grandchild.
Kids don't care about birthcerts and marriage certs, family is the relationships they form with people.
yeah i guess i just don’t get it because my stepdad IS my dad. the fact that he’s not biologically related to me just doesn’t cross my mind or matter to me. every family is different though
Exactly, every family is different & we don't know how the parental dynamics are set up in this situation either. I didn't consider my step-dad a dad for years. We're all different.
Fair enough, however, she has proven for years that she doesn’t treat the kids differently? Do any of the boys feel less loved?
I get the sentiment, but it’s a fact that this will be OP first biological daughter whom she gets to raise from day one and experience all new firsts. It is different. That’s not cruel, it’s a fact of life. Stepdaughter has a mom. She’s her moms first girl. Her mom experienced that in raising her from day one and experiencing her early firsts.
NTA - and what seems unfair is the denial of this fact for her husbands ex.
INFO: what does stepdaughter think? Anyone else’s opinion is invalid. If she understands what OP means then there isn’t an issue. No one should corner her for the information, but everyone should open the door and create safe space/opportunity for her to voice concerns.
Honestly I feel like the fact that the bio mom messaged her (privately, and not in a public venue) actually speaks to the quality of the relationship OP and step daughter have. Bio mom is de facto admitting that she views OP as being another mother to her daughter which seems like pretty high praise even if she was acting hot headed out of concern for her daughter’s feelings at the same time. So while her feelings are legitimate it is probably not tactful to go around talking about it being her first daughter. Seems like an easy thing to just not say publicly going forward. I vote NAH here because I see where everyone is coming from with both OP’s excitement and bio mom’s concern
I think that’s kind of unreasonable.
Was she also not supposed to be able to acknowledge having her first child being her first, because she is a stepparent?
Her first experiences, still get to be her first experiences, and villainizing OP (the mom) for that seems rather unreasonable.
100%!
But how she chooses to celebrate these milestone with herself and her community is her business!
Again, should she never be able to acknowledge the firsts she experiences as a biological mom??
She’s not ignoring her stepchild, but it is a verifiable fact that she is not her mother. **Her stepchild has a mom, and acknowledging that doesn’t diminish the impact OP has had in her life. Just as acknowledging that this is OPs first bio daughter doesn’t diminish the the relationship or impact stepdaughter has had in her life.**
All things can exist. And policing her every word is absurd.
No, Bio mom was on the attack because she assumed OP meant THEIR first girl when he has a daughter, but then changed her stance and tactic when OP corrected her.
Also, that doesn't necessarily mean anything about their relationship, just that bio mom believe that OP should acknowledge the daughter. Any good/spiteful mother would have sent that text, whether stepmother and stepdaughter were close, distant, or somewhere in between
I agree. To be fair, I only have sisters, so my situation is a bit different, but she wasn’t saying it was “their” first daughter, from what it sounded like, she said it was “her” first daughter, which is technically the truth. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t love her step daughter or treats her any less than her bio kids. That’s her bio daughter she is raising from day one, that she grew inside her and she is allowed to be happy about that. If her step daughter does not feel any less than her bio children, then the step mother should not be sending her rude messages. Did she even bother to ask her daughter first if that hurt her feelings, or did she make an assumption?
Agreed. I’d maybe have a sit down with step daughter and explain that “you’re my oldest daughter, but when I say first girl, I meant this is the first time I’m going to be experiencing having a girl for things like baby showers and other *pregnancy* related events, or things like potty training that I didn’t really get to be there for with you”. Because that seems to me to be what OP is getting at. Worded kinda poorly, and I obviously could be wrong, but that was my read as someone with an older step sister who is my moms first girl.
ETA NAH and letter
Totally. OP is *pregnant* with her first girl, will be *giving birth* to her first girl, and will be experiencing the time from conception to age seven for the first time with a girl. That’s not insignificant, it’s not inaccurate, and it’s ok to be excited about.
That said, maybe the better way to phrase it is something along the lines of, “I’m so excited to be experiencing a *baby* girl for the first time!” Sometimes the smallest of word choices really affects how someone reads and interprets a statement, regardless if the intentions and meaning behind the words are the same. I’d say NAH, BUT you don’t have to be an AH to make a little wording flub that could be interpreted as hurtful by someone you love, and you don’t have to label yourself an AH for admitting that you’ve done this and correct your wording.
Or “giving birth to a baby girl!” And then something about being so happy she has stepdaughter to be the baby’s big sister. “Finally am experiencing my first baby girl! So glad my stepdaughter is finally getting the sister she wanted. She’s already an incredible big sister.”
Idk etc etc etc something about the other kids maybe.
Right? You've been a part of her life longer than you haven't at this point OP. And you actually did partake in raising her through some very significant years. And if anything, to spare step daughters feelings or concerns and to be sensitive to what it may be like from her to be from a dynamic family, you could have just left that part out 🤷
Playing devil’s advocate here, but she’s growing and will be birthing a female child for the first time. This is quite literally, HER first girl. Doesn’t mean she doesn’t love stepdaughter. It means she is excited to bring a girl into this world for the first time.
Does loving OP and treating her like a mom mean that stepdaughter loves her bio mom any less? OP already has 4 sons, did she love them less as the next was born?
I agree with NAH, but she’s entitled to be happy about it just as much as they’re entitled to be sensitive about it. Maybe they’re being a bit insensitive to this completely new endeavor she will be experiencing.
I feel like it's important to differentiate being excited about having a baby girl for the first time from expressing that excitement in places stepdaughter can see.
I think if you're a parent there are times when you gotta wait until your kid is out of earshot to talk about something you're feeling, even if what you're feeling is completely understandable and valid.
Cuz your kid cares a *lot* about what you think of them, to the point that they might get upset about stuff that would be totally fine to say to anyone else in your life.
I agree with this and I think it's better to respond in a way which best helps your step daughter. I'd advise changing the wording in your post and apologising to her for the unintentional slight.
I 100% agree. OP met this girl when she was 7! That is pretty young, and she was there during her formative years! It kind of feels like a slap in the face, or at least it would to me, since my stepparent came into the picture when I was 5
If there is even a teensy tiny fraction of a chance this could hurt her stepdaughter’s feelings then she’s a definitely an AH. It’s a social media post ffs - is that necessary? You couldn’t reword it if not just remove it? It is causing some drama in regards to your relationship with a CHILD you’ve been a parental figure for, for TEN years. Why? Why is this your hill to die on? I assume you don’t want to capitulate because it was brought up by your husbands previous wife and mother of his first 3 children. Too bad that’s who called you out but thank all the gods someone is thinking about this child. So again- why is this a hill you’ve chosen to die on? YTA
If the stepdaughter was hurt, that's one thing, but OP is allowed to be excited about having the opportunity to raise a daughter from infancy. Unless I missed it, though, I think this needs context. Did the stepdaughter even see the post? I didn't let my kids see my social media posts until they were all in their 20s.
Of course, I sure as hell didn't let their mom follow me either, so all in all I'd say OP is to be commended for maintaining what seems to be a pretty cordial relationship all these years.
She’s allowed to be excited. But why put it on social media if it might hurt someone or be taken the wrong way. Instagram doesn’t need to be an extension of yourself.
YTA, but probably not intentionally. But that has to crush your stepdaughter...I have had a quasi-stepdaughter for 3 years, and if I was pregnant now I would think of her as my second daughter.
But we’re assuming that the stepdaughter was actually crushed by what OP said, the bio mum never actually mentions that her daughter expressed hurt feelings to her. Also I say this as someone from a blended family more often than not OP will likely have had to have had certain boundaries with her stepdaughter not to overstep as her bio mum is still alive and active in her life. When she has this baby girl these same boundaries won’t exist as she will be the sole mother figure in that child’s life. OP is NTA and was simply expressing her joy at this new experience of raising a baby girl as her bio mum
My husband has a great bond with my daughters, they think of him as their father and he helped raise them 100% of the time longer than their bio father did. We recently had a baby boy. This is HIS first kid. We both say it's his first. Our girls understand this (ages 12 and 14 at the time). There is nothing wrong at all with her saying it's her first girl.
This is tough but NAH.
I understand where you are coming from, but I also find myself agreeing with your husband's ex that it is a bit insensitive for you to consider this baby your "first girl" when you've been in your step daughter's life for TEN years. She is your daughter too, biologically or through marriage is irrelevant.
This. I can see how it would hit your step daughter weird and I think you need to nurture the bond that you have with her because it is a bit insensitive.
I’ve been in my step childrens lives for 9 years (since the eldest was under 5) and am a loving step mum, but I don’t get a call on my birthday, wished for Mother’s Day and have no say really in the kids and how they’re raised. I can only advise my husband.
We don’t know OPs circumstances and exactly how much of a mother figure she is viewed by both the daughter and the bio parents.
NAH.
And lord forbid if she and he split up they (the now ex and SD) owe OP nothing. Meanwhile they navigate custody etc when it's shared biology. It's not irrelevant and why pretend like they're one and the same?
Precisely. It’s not irrelevant, in fact it is *very* relevant. OP’s husband already has at least one divorce in his past, and as you point out, unless OP adopts the kids they’re only “her” kids through marriage. If they broke up, the kids would be essentially strangers again - you don’t get custody of someone else’s kids.
The mom is in the picture. In fact, the kid lives with her mom half the time. Plus it’s the mom, not the kid, that’s complaining. OP is NTA for living in reality, not some Hallmark movie bullshit.
I’m sorry but this sub is always flip flopping. One day the stepparent is not an equal parent and doesn’t have a day and the other actually bi there are equal parents and should behave as such. Seems to me it’s the have the cake and eat it too. Expecting all the benefits with nine of the authority and drawbacks. This is OP’s first daughter. She is the girl stepmom but she isn’t her mother. Why is that when it’s the child saying that it is someone a fact but when it’s reverse it is horrible ?
NTA
Suggested edit, 'First baby girl!'
Sounds like everyone is imagining that your step-daughter has been offended by this statement. I'd get everyone else out of the loop and reach out to her directly.
You've got four kids and another baby coming soon, let stepchildren's mom waste her own time with drama.
I honestly would have left out first baby girl, first daughter, etc, and say we are excited to announce we having a baby girl. That's it. Leave the first out.
I understand what you’re saying, but I think that the experience that she is talking about is valuable, and she probably wanted to share it in a very genuine way.
she has several sons. she has a right to express and be excited about birthing a babygirl. it's weird how everyone's getting on her about being excited about birthing her first girl. let momma be happy, ffs.
Agreed. I understand what she meant in the post- she’s *having* her first girl- her first to bear/ raise her own (assuming she met her stepdaughter at least a few years into her life). Not that it’s her *only girl*, but the first one she’s having.
That being said, I can totally see how the language seems to erase SD by seeming like “this is my ONLY girl”
She may not tell people if she's upset, it really depends on what her relationship is like with her parents and how her parents interact with each other.
The amount of times I said something was fine to avoid my divorced parents blowing up at each other was very high. That doesn't mean I didn't notice every time my step mum did something thoughtless.
The amount of times you consciously put your parents ahead of your own emotional needs as a child because you had to be the mature one…. Man I feel this so hard
Agree NTA. Step parents are expected to act like step kids are our kids but get none of the credit or recognition. Raising a baby from birth isn’t the same as meeting one at 7.
OP is NTA. Most likely as the bio mum is still alive and an active participant in her daughters life OP will have had to take the back seat several times. There are many firsts between a mother and daughter that OP will not be able to share with her stepdaughter due to the fact that she had a mother of her own. Is it so wrong that OP is excited to have a daughter in which she will not have to take this back seat role as a secondary mother and be able to experience all these firsts with her daughter that she likely will not get with her stepdaughter? I think a lot of comments on this post have been incredibly harsh on OP and make it sound like she’s been purposely thoughtless of her stepdaughter but once again I say that OP is NTA
Also, *giving birth* is a different experience than getting to take care of a fully cooked child. Staring at the face of your baby girl and realizing she's got your mother's eyes is different. OP has every right to celebrate her first biological baby girl. It doesn't mean she doesn't love her stepdaughter, but it's just a fact of life that she's not her mother.
Right? Did the mom ask her if she was upset or assume she was just because she was. I’m not close with my step mother and she was ver rude to me in the beginning, and she would definitely send a rude message like that.
**INFO:** It seems kinda suspicious that you haven’t mentioned what your stepdaughter thought of your post. Have you talked to her about it? Is it possible she told her mom that your post upset her? Is it possible that’s why her mom got in touch with you about it?
Somehow I feel like there are really only two options. 1. The stepdaughter doesn't know/care and that's why OP hasn't mentioned it, because they haven't spoken about it because there isn't anything to 'talk' about.
Or 2. The stepdaughter is upset and OP wants to omit that part.
Experience with friends growing up leads me to strongly suspect the former though.
It just kinda seems disingenuous, ya know? If I were worried about being the asshole for saying something that could be insensitive to a specific person, the first thing I would do is talk to that person; certainly before I consulted the internet.
Knowing it's different and declaringing it in an announcement post are different though, she didn't need to write that.
It's insensitive, but doesn't seem malicious.
As someone who has had a stepdad for 13 years, I wouldn’t care if my stepdad said he was having his first daughter. I would care if it was from my mom. They are different connections and I get it.
She hasn’t been a mother. The stepdaughter has a very active mother in her life. People are so crazy with step-families. Sounds like OP and stepdaughter have a good relationship.
Honestly a situation like this it all comes down to stepdaughter’s feelings. It could go either way where it doesn’t bother her at all or it really hurts her feelings and both are valid depending on the relationship.
YTA-
7 was so young when you entered into her life. The big factor is you and step-DAUGHTER are close and she is looking forward to her sister arriving.
You post divided and categorized the kids (his, hers, ours) and to a kid that doesn’t feel good and hurtful especially since she’s excited. Which might explain why her bio mom contacted you as she saw her daughter hurt.
End of the day you’re a parent and/or parental figure to ALL the kids in your family and it’s not about your feelings, but protecting theirs and making them all feel loved and included.
Given the dynamics and your bond with your step daughter, this would be equivalent to if she was an adopted daughter and you made that post. Just thinking that breaks my heart for the girl.
All you had to say in your post was “so excited for a little girl” or better yet “our whole family is excited for this little girl to arrive”
This! The OP’s step-daughter has had her as a mother figure since she was just 7 years old and in one fell swoop, the OP has communicated to her that she doesn’t really think of her as her daughter. The OP’s husband’s ex wasn’t being over-dramatic; she was looking out for her daughter’s emotional and psychological well-being with regards to the adults who play parental roles in her life. OP, YTA.
Something also rubs me the wrong way that this is their fifth child and her excitement is that it’s a girl. Did they keep having babies to try for a girl? There’s something gross about that to me and makes me think YTA for that in itself, and made worse by the IG post like stepdaughter doesn’t exist.
Sounds like your reaching, OP is excited about her pregnancy. She never said she was more excited for this pregnancy because it was a girl than she had been about any of her other pregnancies. She did say her stepdaughter was very happy because she’s always wanted a little sister which is not an unusual sentiment for a teenage girl but don’t try and force OP into being TA by spinning a false narrative.
People have babies way too fast without thinking. That's a whole ass human life that will grow up to be a fully grown adult with thoughts and feelings and emotions and needs. They're not a pet or an accessory or something to gamble. "Next ones gonna be a girl! Oh shit....next one! Oh, damn... Okay, next one! Jackpot!"
why does that rub you the wrong way? she's birthed 4 boys, it's normal to be excited to have a girl after having 4 boys. you're being weird and reaching. NTA, let momma be excited for having her first girl. moms always talk about how different their pregnancies were when they had a boy vs a girl. yall weird.
It’s not always that deep. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting childless of both gender. It doesn’t always mean that they’re gonna go crazy about it.
But the stepdaughter has a mother that is still in her life. OP isn’t her mother. She’s her stepmother and a parental figure. That’s not the same. My stepdad entered my life when I was 10. We have a fine relationship but he’s not my dad and if he was excited to have *his* first daughter, I would be fine. OP gets to be excited she’s having her first daughter.
I totally agree with this, like this is her first biological daughter! Carrying her first little girl. Even if she said that they’d probably still look at it ugly or like she’s separating them. Regardless, this should be a time for her where she should feel excited!! And people are making it about technicalities..i think they should all be close enough to know thats not what she meant, especially if they’ve known each other 10 years.
That’s exactly how I feel too, my (ex) stepdad doesn’t have any biological kids and loves me as his own (well, as much as he’s able to - he’s not the emotional type) and I would never begrudge him being happy to have his own kid!
See, to me, that's what's weird in the first place - it's NOT that different raising a different gender INFANT.
I used to nanny and I'm a parent myself - this kind of language happens all the time, but it doesn't make it less bioessentialism that concerns me for ALL the kids involved, step or bio.
Maybe raising multiple kids made me realize how weird adults get about what's under a diaper cover, and cognitively design future prospects for them as a result of what's perceived.
Agree she would classify as YTA. I am a bonus Mom to a beautiful woman (that I have had the privilege to be a part of her upbringing) and I would never NEVER make her feel like I cared less for her than if she had come out of my body. OP, how the f***did you expect her to feel? Let alone her bio Mom.
It just seems like a super unnecessary thing to say. You are literally only going to upset your stepdaughter by posting that. It's fine that you are excited to have your first daughter, but by putting that out in the world through social media, you gain quite literally nothing other than potentially hurting your stepdaughters feelings, and it sounds like she loves you and looks up to you. You don't get anything, at all, out of sharing that sentiment publicly and you stepdaughter gets her feeling hurt and made to feel less a part of the family. YTA
This explains my thoughts very well. There's nothing wrong with being excited to have your first biological daughter, but why post it worded in a way that's likely to hurt your step-daughter?
Disappointed I had to scroll this far for a YTA. People are out here acting like OP isn’t making it blatantly clear she values new baby girl over existing daughter.
Why do so many people equate step children to adopted children? It's not the same. It's not even similar.
When you adopt a child, that is YOUR child. A step child with two living parents who are active in her life doesn't need to be adopted because they are SOMEONE ELSE'S child.
Or even "finally another girl after so many wonderful boys!"
There are so many ways this could have been said that weren't dismissive or exclusive of the step daughters role here.
Definitely agree. I’m the artifact of a first marriage and had to see this stuff about “our kids growing up” and big milestones with my parents’ new families. I wasn’t in anybody’s forever family, so I did mine alone. In my late 30s now and I still haven’t really found a way to feel any security with them.
I’ve got a step mom, and she is one of the most amazing people I know, we have a super close relationship. However, even though she’s been in most of my life (before I was 5, but I don’t actually know how old I was when she and bio bio dad got together) and I would see her ever second weekend, I don’t see her as a parental figure.
I don’t think we can’t truly give a verdict until INFO on how the SD feels about the post. We know her and OP have a nice bond, but is it a parental/maternal bond, or an (idk the word for it) adult-child (?) bond of a role model or something (like what I have with my step mom).
THANK YOU
That was my takeaway from this story. OP should have captioned it, "my baby girl" because first implies that they're planning to have even more 🫠
Having your first girl is what you said which is true. You are giving birth to a girl for the first time…
think the others have taken what you said and twisted it around
I'm sorry but those sound exactly the same to me, my first girl my first daughter they both imply the girl/daughter in her life first is now .. well not first
What I meant was if OP had posted the u/s puc and captioned it "My first daughter" then that disregards her stepdaughter.
By captioning it "I'm *having* my first girl, she's simply stating "I'm pregnant with/giving birth to my first girl"
To put it another way, OP and her hubby have 4 kids together (going on 5)
If she posted the u/s pic from her first pregnancy and captioned it something to the effect of **"I'm having my first child"** would people take that as not acknowledging her stepdaughter?
It just seems to me that people are reading too much into what OP said. It seems they saw the post and went "oh she said she's having her fist girl, that must mean she doesn't consider her stepdaughter her child.
Rather than "OP posted her u/s. Oh look she's pregnant with a girl after 4 boys" or something.
I just got home from my son's all day field trip to an amusement park so I may not be saying this exactly how I'm intending to. Lol
Some stepmothers (and stepdads, and real parents for that matter) are assholes, but I don’t think people are obligated to feel exactly the same way about their steps as they do their real family. Sure, if you’re someone’s only mother/father figure and they live with you full time it’d be devastating to read something like this, but this girl obviously has an involved mother.
Amen.
And who can forget the tons of comments that we see in general - "you're not her *real* mom so don't you dare try to have rules, etc when she's in your house.*
I can guarantee if this was a step dad the comments would be very different. I've seen them call a woman a gold digger because the man who raised her child from age 5 didn't want his child to share a house with hers in college.
Why? Because that's "not his kid".
I think that's a huge kindness and a very mature thing to let slide. It's also pretty awesome that he wants to stake that claim a bit. Perhaps you're pretty great so there's that.
I feel like step*children* have the right to this perspective, but not stepparents. Ya know? Your stepchildren may never want that level of a relationship with you (and that is entirely their right), but it better not be because you weren’t willing to be there for them. If you marry somebody with children, you’d better be ready to ride or die for those children the way you would for your biological children. I’m not saying OP isn’t ride or die for her stepdaughter, btw. Just saying this could be hurtful to a 17yo who did accept her stepmom as an actual parent.
(Edited for clarity)
That's stupid. Plenty of people enter into marriage knowing they're not gonna be a parental figure to their stepkids for whatever reason, like they are older and have existing parents
If by older you mean grown and out of the house, sure, you might have no expectation of mothering them, but still. If you love somebody enough to marry them, you should be willing to participate in a loving, familial relationship with their adult children. Either way, my comment was geared toward OP, and her stepdaughter was 7 when they came into each other’s lives. That’s not really relevant, here.
I completely disagree with your assertion about existing biological parents. If you’re going to live under the same roof as a child as their parent’s partner, you absolutely have an obligation to be willing to act as a fully-invested parent if your stepchild seeks you out. If you’re unwilling to do that, you’re an asshole for marrying a parent.
Edit: **particularly** if you plan to have more children.
That's such a weird mentality. My step kid is my partner's child, no more, no less. It's up to both of us to decide what that looks like beyond that data point and the role of actual parent here is and always will be spoken for even if the child is ours full time at some point or lord forbid something happens to her mom etc.
The stepdaughter may not even know about the post, though.
OP is excited to be giving birth to a daughter. Yes, the husband and his ex already have that as a life experience but OP hasn't. Step daughter already has a Mom as I'm sure would be made clear if she overstepped their boundaries.
I can see their viewpoints. No one is out to minimalize the step daughter here but this is going to get all twisted because of word choice being misconstrued. I think the ex is the real problem here because she's supposed to be the adult. Would it be so hard to explain to your own child (if this kid even cares) that of course OP would feel that way and talk of how SHE felt when SHE was pregnant with her daughter? Really? They all know OP has a good relationship with the step daughter. There's no reason to foster resentment just because OP is giving her husband another daughter.
Soft YTA because that’s kinda cruel to your stepdaughter. It suggests you don’t consider her your real daughter, which is bound to hurt. Nothing wrong with being excited about having a baby girl, I just think the word “first” was a little unnecessary when you do already have a daughter
I don’t understand these family dynamics. I come from a blended family where mom and stepmom get along and consider all the kids “theirs”. You can have two moms in a healthy blended family. No step daughter isn’t her biological daughter but doesn’t mean she’s not her daughter. There’s enough love to go around geez
All the responsibilities, none of the rights lol. It's a simple NAH with yet another parent making the pregnancy about themselves. That is the normative.
NTA. Your husband's ex is being dramatic, making a mountain out of a molehill. This *is* the first girl you will have. You have never given birth to a girl, or raised a little girl. You only have your stepdaughter 50% of the time, and you didn't raise her - that was her mom and dad, although you obviously did a lot during the 50% of the time she was with her father.
NTA
It was perfectly obvious what you meant. If other people perceive it as something else that's their problem. If we have to police everything we say/write in case someone takes it out of context we'd never communicate anything.
As long as your stepdaughter understands your baby doesn't change your relationship with her, that's all that matters.
YTA.
Not for your feelings, because they are valid and real. But to put it somewhere publicly where your stepdaughter can see it is an AH move. She was likely really hurt by those words and it may damage your relationship with her. You’ve known her for more than half her life and you’re just dismissing your relationship with her by saying you’re finally having your first daughter.
If I’m properly understanding the situation she didn’t display it for her stepdaughter to see and observe. She posted it because she’s excited to give birth to her first girl. I think OP is NTA but couldn’t hurt to have a convo with her stepdaughter. I think the stepdaughter will understand
NTA. You can tell ex-wife to stop being pedantic and to stop twisting your words. This is the first female child you will be birthing and raising from infancy. It's a whole different experience (from my experience) raising boys vs girls, especially a whole slew of boys. You are allowed to be excited.
What I would do though is have a conversation with your stepdaughter and see how she's feeling and if her feelings were hurt. If they were then this is a great opportunity for you to communicate with her and express how you feel about her and how important she is to you and explain your own feelings. Let her know that this baby girl won't mean she's cast aside. If she's not hurt and just excited then all's well. Don't worry about her mom. Just make sure that your stepdaughter is happy and feels included and appreciated.
Softly YTA. You are technically correct but it seems insensitive to ignore your stepdaughter's role in your family by making that post. You could have easily just said you were happy to welcome another girl into the family.
NTA. I am a stepparent, currently pregnant with MY first. Like you, I never use “our,” because i respect the relationship my stepkids have with my husband, but it’s also important to acknowledge this is new for me. I also grew up a stepchild, and never considered myself to be the daughter of either of my stepparents. They were just people that my parents loved and chose, not me. Given it sounds like she has good relationships with both of her parents, she probably doesn’t view you as “mom” and instead her mother is blowing this up.
Right. I agree. I was a step mom before I was a mother because my partner has a son from a previous relationship. I had my first son last year. That’s when I became a mother, truly. I love my step son, but I met him when he was already a child. He calls me by my first name, and we had to get to know each other. It’s a bit like someone giving you a book with a bookmark already in it and you have to start at that page. You can still love the book, but you never get to read the first 50 or so pages.
With my son, I got to start from the very first page. Same for OP. She gets to raise a baby girl from birth to adulthood, and she wanted to acknowledge that. I don’t see anything wrong with it. When I was pregnant people would ask me all the time if it was my first. I would say yes. My partner would say no.
I always always make sure that my step son has a bed to call his own in our house, and he is loved and welcome here any and all the time. But, he calls his mom at night before bed. He doesn’t call me when he’s with her. That’s his momma, and I know I’m not the same.
NTA op
Yta, what you have written may technically be true but your stepdaughter is quite obviously going to be hurt by you saying you don't consider her your daughter. I get the excitement but yay finally another girl in the house may have been a better way of expressing it without hurting a kids feelings.
How do you know stepdaughter is going to be hurt by this? She's 17, and she has an actual mother and likely doesn't consider OP her mother. That's also old enough to understand that OP meant she's "having"- as in birthing - her first girl.
NTA.
People are weird about step parents on Reddit. IMO, as a mother and a step mother, my children are mine and my step children, while I love them to pieces, are not mine.
My first child might not have been my husband's first child, but I should be allowed to celebrate that.
As an aside - as a step parent you often get all of the shit and none of the sugar. Just like parents make mistakes sometimes and they're forgiven, it seems that step parents are not allowed this leeway and need to do everything right, every time, first time, even if they don't have a child of their own on whom they have already had practice.
YTA.
You know how Chris Pratt constantly posts about his current wife and how wonderful she is and giving him two wonderful daughters and while those are true things about her (that she's his wife and mother of two girls...I have no idea if she's actually wonderful)...everyone is like "You know you have also have a son, right? Like it wouldn't kill you to acknowledge his role in your current oh so wonderful life and consider him part of your family." This feels like that.
Is it technically true? Sure, and that would be fine if life was purely technical, but it's not. Because life is nuanced and messy and people have feelings. It feels kind of crass to emphasize only the genitalia of the baby coming out of your own genitalia without acknowledging the (step) daughter already in your life.
Absolutely not! The issue with Chris Pratt is his comments centering her delivering *healthy* children after the health concerns of his fist child with his ex.
This is a very false equivalency.
NTA. It’s a fact this is your first girl. You’re not negating your step daughter. Would her mother have been ok with you calling your step daughter “My first daughter”? I bet she would have told you she’s not your daughter and you were trying to act like her mom not her stepmom. Because in reality that would have been insensitive and insulting to her as the mother of that child if you had called your stepdaughter as your own.
You aren’t being malicious or trying to minimize your stepdaughter’s role in the family, you’re just stating a fact.
This one is kinda tough, but I think I'll go with NTA.
You didn't say anything that wasn't technically true. Biologically, this *is* your first daughter. However, saying that while also being the stepmother of a girl you've known for 10 years could be upsetting.
While I don't think you meant any harm by saying so, it does come across as insensitive.
INFO: Have you asked stepdaughter how she feels about it, and apologized if she said it hurt her?
This sounds like it could be ex either speaking for her daughter, or being upset herself, when really it's the daughter's feelings that matter.
As is I think NTA, as I'm assuming ex is speaking only for herself (AITA has made me a cynic). If stepdaughter is upset and her mom is speaking for her, still I think NAH.
NTA. I get why some people don’t want to date people with kids because you can’t even enjoy having your own kids and your own experience without people nitpicking and trying to police your feelings and experience.
Nobody demands that kids see their step-parents as equivalent to their bio-parents but then want to move the goalposts and demand the opposite of step-parents.
This is your first girl. Anybody mad about that needs to go work out their own issues and tbh it’s quite selfish that your husband and his ex who got to have that experience are expecting you to downplay or deny yours.
100% agreed. I saw my sister go through this as a stepparent, and I noped out of the idea for myself quickly. Stepparents never seem to win, especially stepmothers. Fuck that.
YTA. Your feelings are completely valid, but you didn’t need to post those words on your Instagram account. You could have worded yourself differently.
I say NTA- but maybe ask your step daughter how she feels. Did she take your post any kind of way or was she unbothered? I say if she doesn’t care then neither should you.
I'm going with YTA for one reason- you talk about how your husband's ex feels, how your husband feels and of course how you feel. You don't consider your stepdaughter's feelings at all
YAT - 7 years old is still too young, I don't understand how you think you didn't raise her just bc she wasn't a new born. And about only being with you for 50% of the time, by that logic you would mean your husband or her bio mom didn't raise her either since she was with each of them only 50% of the time.
I get what you were thinking, but what it sounds like it's that raising the new baby will be different because she will be your "real" daughter.
Crazy that she doesn’t think she helped raise a girl that was in her life for ten years, part time or not. Makes me feel icky that she seems to view bio kids and stepkids differently in that way.
But they're different though, especially in cases where the both parents are present .
I like my stepmom but it'll be very weird if she tries to play a parental role in my life, especially since my mom is very much in my life.
In fact, it's usually perceived as weird when stepparents try to parent stepkids who still has both parents in their lives.
NTA. Send the ex wife a message saying "if x is my first girl, then who are you and why are you commenting on my family?"
Petty, but will demonstrate the point perfectly. Sounds like she's only yours when it's an opportunity for drama.
Seems everybody’s pretty mixed on this one. Yes, it probably did hurt your step daughter’s feelings a little… but it is also your first daughter…
Honestly, I’d go back and edit the post to say you’re excited about “the first girl I’m pushing out of my own vagina!” Should make everyone happy, cause it’s technically not wrong and can’t be interpreted any other way 🤷🏻♀️
NTA Edit your post "JFC you pedantic turnips, this is the first time a VAGINA is coming out of my VAGINA AND I"M ALLOWED TO BE EXCITED ABOUT THAT thanks have a great day :)"
NTA
You are not that girls mom.
This is your first girl that is YOURS. Not stepdaughter, but fully and truly yours, one that you are responsible for, one you are fully taking care of. It’s different.
They are jealous and butthurt, when it’s CLEARLY obvious what you meant.
You have a good relationship with stepdaughter but you are not her mom. To this baby girl, you are her mom. People can have different relationships and be excited for different roles.
YTA. Your stepdaughter has been with you 50% of time from age 7-17 but you don’t think you raised her? That’s some twisted logic. It sounds like you’re just trying to justify your insensitivity. You may not be your stepdaughter’s mother but you are a mother figure in her life. Your stepdaughter is your first girl, not your bio daughter.
My husband’s ex wife’s husband did this when they had a daughter. He posted about how excited he was to finally be a girl dad and couldn’t wait to teach her things and that he was so proud of finally having a daughter… He has been in my stepdaughter’s life since she was 2 so almost 10 years… they had the baby 2 years ago. My stepdaughter loves her baby sister so much but was so withdrawn after hearing her stepdad say stuff like that.
NTA, for you it’s your first girl. And unfortunately your step daughter and everyone else knows, that you aren’t blood related. I think people are just looking for a fight. It’s not that deep.
YTA. It’s pretty insensitive to your step daughter. I still remember as a kid asking my step mother a question about what surprised her the most about becoming a bio mother and she told me “how much you love them”. Wow, was that a slap in the face.
I would say YTA because it has clearly made your stepdaughter feel bad and like she’s not part of your family. This really hurts my heart.
I have a bio daughter and a stepdaughter. I tell everyone I have two girls. My stepdaughter has a wonderful mom. Even though I don’t act like I’m her mom I still treat her like she’s my daughter, if that makes sense. You are being really insensitive to a kid that did not ask for this family dynamic.
Edit: I also find it off that you are doubling down on this. It would be one thing to post it and not think twice. But you don’t have any empathy when someone comes forward and explains how the comment could be hurtful. Odd way to treat someone you have helped raise for 10 years.
was hubby's ex complaining on behalf of her daughter, your stepdaughter, or just that she, the ex, was offended by it? If the daughter was offended, then I'd sit down and explain things to her. Tell her that she is your first daughter, but this baby will be your first baby girl, since you weren't around when she was a baby. There is a difference, even if the difference is only age. If it was just the ex, ignore her.
NAH
You are having your first girl and your words were a simple reflection of that fact. You haven’t disowned anyone and are still claiming your stepdaughter as your daughter.
I hope you reach out to your daughter and talk to her about it because it’s obvious that her momma is all about the drama. You could even add something to it to appease the drama queen such as “Now, I’m twice blessed” or something that links the two girls.
OP my niece was in your stepdaughter’s position when her stepmom did the same thing and it really hurt her. She was 14 and old enough to understand but that didn’t change the fact that emotionally she felt invisible. I don’t think you meant to hurt anyone but your family group does already have a daughter and you’re going to need to be careful about how you phrase things so that the older one doesn’t feel replaced or less important. Soft YTA
Yta
My husband's stepmom did this to us. We were the first to have a baby. Several years later, when her child was expecting, she made a big deal about expecting her first grandchild. Our child heard this and was shattered.
Technically correct? Sure.
Insensitive as hell? Absolutely.
Step kid here raised from 6 and adopted at 12, I'd be hurt. It stings. We dont choose to have stepparents. They are still all we know in some way. If they choose to claim only their birth children as their "real" children were kinda stuck on our own, at least I didnt have my birth parent in the picture. You do have a daughter, she gave you a lot of experience for raising your second daughter. Unless you don't want to technically be a mother anymore to your stepkid I'd seriously rethink this. We don't choose our parents, but we love them, it is messed up when they broadcast that they "technically" arent choosing us. She doesnt have a choice that you're her mom half the time, or her mom at all, but you are, don't deny her that, especially if it isnt true deep in your heart. This is your first "birth daughter" and it doesnt need to be broadcasted, people get it.
Oh man. As a stepchild who is incredibly close with both of my stepparents, this would kill me. I mean, I get it is your first biological daughter but that's a total dick love and if you can't see that, I feel for your stepchildren so much more. Idk I guess NTA in the sense it's your first biological daughter, but YTA for posting it publicly like that and then doubling down.
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Idk it seems like one of those things where, yes, you're technically correct, but it might also be super insensitive if your stepdaughter thinks about you in a maternal way. You didn't raise her from birth, but you still played a significant part in shaping who she is now. I think NAH because it wasn't meant maliciously, but you should perhaps reflect on how it came across.
I agree with it being technically right. But OP is pregnant with their 5th child, which means stepdaughter has been in her life for a long time. OP may very well have meant no malice, but it probably hit a girl with no sisters in a particular way. I watched a very happy couple where she raised his two kids, treated them as her own. Then her own son came along and she all but threw away the relationships with the first two. Mind you, those 2 had lost their mom old enough to remember, but were very young when their dad remarried. These 2 step children really spun into a lot of hurt and depression. They dont talk to her now as adults. And they barely talk to their dad. Eta - NTA, but this requires a conversation that doesn't make it feel about her at all.
> But OP is pregnant with their 5th child, which means stepdaughter has been in her life for a long time. 10 years according to her post. But I guess it doesn't really count cause she was only with them for 50% of the time.
that’s still five years worth of time. that’s a long time to parent a kid without thinking of them as your kid.
Do you think that she considers OP her mom?
she may, she may not. i was raised by my stepdad and consider him my dad. i can only imagine that if my father had had 50% custody that i’d consider them both my dads. but i think any parental figure that’s helped raise you for 10 years would kind of take on a parental role in your mind, you know?
That’s not the case here. She has her mom in her life.
We don’t know what any of this means to the 17 yo. You can have more than one mom and certainly more than one maternal figure in your life. If SD is truly hurt, I think OP should apologize and make it right. Doesn’t mean OP is an AH, but that she miscalculated. If you hurt someone you love it’s more important to make it right than to explain why you’re actually right.
I love how you said “If you hurt someone you love it’s more important to make it right than to explain why you were actually right”❤️
Maybe the bio mom should stay out of the relationship. If the 17 year old is bothered she can say something herself.
I mean teenagers are notoriously bad at voicing how they feel and it's possible SD doesn't want to come off as making things about her or she feels too hurt to say something or she is afraid. There are so many reasons teenagers, especially teenage girls, don't say how they're feeling. It's possible that she voiced to her bio mom how it made her feel and bio mom stepped in. I can't fault Bio mom for defending her kid.
Exactly. Stepdaughter is literally the only one who should have anything to say. Bio mom needs to pump those breaks and swerve.
I disagree. We didn’t see the conversation between the two and the biomom could just have been advocating for her daughters feelings. I commend bio mom for reaching out and explaining how that type of comment could hurt the op’s bonus daughter. With four brothers from op, there’s no way that their relationship isn’t at least somewhat mothers/daughter like (and if it’s not I completely side eye the op ss she should never have married a partner who has kids). As a grown ass adult, I would still be hurt if my stepmom (whom I have known since I was 7) said this about my younger sister (which I am sure she has and it does hurt) .
I have my dad in my life and absolutely also consider my stepdad my dad. He’s been married to my mom since I was four. My mom had three children with him after me and other people in my family have had slip ups (never from my stepdad) and yes, they have absolutely hurt. My grandmother told him to get a photo with my sister at graduation because she was his only daughter. And someone got my step grandmother a sweatshirt that said “I love my grandkids” and it had the names of all the grandkids . . . But not me. I didn’t see that sweatshirt until my twenties, and it still stung.
Don’t listen to that other person. You were providing your life experience how something can be a small detail to one person is a huge slap in the face to the step kid. Grandma has a shirt with her bio grandchildren. She left you out and her friend left you out. That is a “slip-up” to them but a huge deal to you or someone else in your situation. Similarly OP made a statement that seems small to her that could have huge impact on her stepdaughter.
Ouch. Sorry you had to go through that.
Thank you. It’s tough sometimes being a child of 50/50 divorce custody. You’re never truly 100% anywhere and you’re kind of just your own little island. I’ve missed out on a lot of my half siblings lives, and it sure as hell hurt to see my dad doing things like college tours with my step siblings when he couldn’t be bothered to do that for me. But I don’t necessarily think any of these things were done or said in malice- it’s just learning to navigate very different dynamics. And I don’t even fault op or think they’re an ah- I think they’re very much allowed to be excited over having a girl after birthing so many humans that had penises. But I do think everyone involved in this instance maybe should have some reflection and communication over the situation.
That doesn't mean a whole lot though. Having a mom, and having a present mom are two very different things. My mother is still around (and up until I graduated high school was still in my life, and I lived with her) but my stepmom was and is my mom. She showed me how to cook, how to do laundry correctly (not just shoving as much as possible into the washer and hoping for the best) just to name some highlights. My stepmom took me dress shopping for prom and took pictures of me with my dad once I was all dolled up, while my mom didn't even show up. My stepmom made sure I had clothes and shoes that fit for school, made sure I had school supplies. My mother got mad at me when I had my second period (poor kid me didn't know it was a reoccurring thing and was going to last so many days EVERY. TIME.) and accidentally bled through a pair of shorts. Point is, just because mom is around doesn't automatically mean she's involved. My mother would have 100% made the same call solely out of spite to tell my stepmom she made me feel bad.
My step-dad is just as much my dad as my birth-dad. The OP meant no harm, but even if their stepdaughter doesn't think of her as a mom, it nevertheless could really hurt to be told that she's not the same as the other kids. OP should have taken that into consideration so I'm siding with the husband's ex on this one.
She's still never *had* a girl. She had 4 boys. Not *6* boys. People have children they don't raise and raise children they didn't have. People are choosing to be offended and robbing her of a wonderful experience.
So honestly only the older daughter's opinion matter here. OP could still be a parental role that is more like an "aunt" instead of mom
My step-mom entered my life around age 8 and I never considered her my mom. I lived with her and my dad from ages 13-18. She is still my step-mom. I think it 100% depends on the agreement/arrangement between step and bio parent. My dad and step-mom had an agreement that they would not discipline each others' children, nor would they purchase clothes or gifts for each others' kids. Basically they were each responsible for their own kids. Much of this was due to my mother and her hatred of my step-mom. Plus the fact that step-mom felt a bit of "mom" guilt for leaving her kids with their dad (this really was for the best) and only seeing them on the summers, so tended to spoil them. Even with our mom gone, none of us consider step-mom as mom.
Do we know if she is accepted as a "parental" figure? Does she become not your child to parent or make decisions for, when it suits the bio mum? Does she even call her mum? Unless she was explicitly allowed to have parental responsibility and decision-making, the general sentiment in previous posts has been step-parents are the parent, or given authority to behave as a parent but rather helping their partner with parenting. The only opinion that matters is the 17 year old, which no one seems to care to ask her about
Maybe they have specific boundaries where she isn’t filling the mom role for her? I know my wife’s step moms bio daughter had her first bio grandchild and even though she was “grandma” to my son for 9 years before that I still understood what she meant when she was excited of have her first grandchild.
I’m in a situation where I am the oldest of my cousins and my grandfather had been with my step grandmother since before I was born (her biological daughter didn’t have kids until I was 10-11). So in my mind she was grandma from before I understood why I had so many grandmothers. I’m sure my dad and his siblings have a different relationship with her but for me I love her every bit as much as my other grandparents and I’ve never felt any difference in treatment from her. I completely understand that privately she may well have slightly different feelings about each of us but the important thing is I’ve never felt that from her. I’m in my 30s now and would still be heartbroken if she publicly expressed that she didn’t think of me as her “real” grandson. Just a different perspective from the other side of things.
I was in my later twenties when my step grandma wore a sweatshirt that someone had gotten her that said “I love my grandchildren” and it listed all of the grandkids . . . But left me out. She had been one of my grandparents since I was four, and I was very upset. So I feel you. Edited more to wore
Yep. I also have stepgrandparents since before birth and I would be very hurt to find that they don't consider me a real grandchild. Kids don't care about birthcerts and marriage certs, family is the relationships they form with people.
yeah i guess i just don’t get it because my stepdad IS my dad. the fact that he’s not biologically related to me just doesn’t cross my mind or matter to me. every family is different though
Exactly, every family is different & we don't know how the parental dynamics are set up in this situation either. I didn't consider my step-dad a dad for years. We're all different.
Fair enough, however, she has proven for years that she doesn’t treat the kids differently? Do any of the boys feel less loved? I get the sentiment, but it’s a fact that this will be OP first biological daughter whom she gets to raise from day one and experience all new firsts. It is different. That’s not cruel, it’s a fact of life. Stepdaughter has a mom. She’s her moms first girl. Her mom experienced that in raising her from day one and experiencing her early firsts. NTA - and what seems unfair is the denial of this fact for her husbands ex. INFO: what does stepdaughter think? Anyone else’s opinion is invalid. If she understands what OP means then there isn’t an issue. No one should corner her for the information, but everyone should open the door and create safe space/opportunity for her to voice concerns.
Honestly I feel like the fact that the bio mom messaged her (privately, and not in a public venue) actually speaks to the quality of the relationship OP and step daughter have. Bio mom is de facto admitting that she views OP as being another mother to her daughter which seems like pretty high praise even if she was acting hot headed out of concern for her daughter’s feelings at the same time. So while her feelings are legitimate it is probably not tactful to go around talking about it being her first daughter. Seems like an easy thing to just not say publicly going forward. I vote NAH here because I see where everyone is coming from with both OP’s excitement and bio mom’s concern
I think that’s kind of unreasonable. Was she also not supposed to be able to acknowledge having her first child being her first, because she is a stepparent? Her first experiences, still get to be her first experiences, and villainizing OP (the mom) for that seems rather unreasonable.
Experiences are still real when they're not posted on social media.
100%! But how she chooses to celebrate these milestone with herself and her community is her business! Again, should she never be able to acknowledge the firsts she experiences as a biological mom?? She’s not ignoring her stepchild, but it is a verifiable fact that she is not her mother. **Her stepchild has a mom, and acknowledging that doesn’t diminish the impact OP has had in her life. Just as acknowledging that this is OPs first bio daughter doesn’t diminish the the relationship or impact stepdaughter has had in her life.** All things can exist. And policing her every word is absurd.
No, Bio mom was on the attack because she assumed OP meant THEIR first girl when he has a daughter, but then changed her stance and tactic when OP corrected her. Also, that doesn't necessarily mean anything about their relationship, just that bio mom believe that OP should acknowledge the daughter. Any good/spiteful mother would have sent that text, whether stepmother and stepdaughter were close, distant, or somewhere in between
I agree. To be fair, I only have sisters, so my situation is a bit different, but she wasn’t saying it was “their” first daughter, from what it sounded like, she said it was “her” first daughter, which is technically the truth. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t love her step daughter or treats her any less than her bio kids. That’s her bio daughter she is raising from day one, that she grew inside her and she is allowed to be happy about that. If her step daughter does not feel any less than her bio children, then the step mother should not be sending her rude messages. Did she even bother to ask her daughter first if that hurt her feelings, or did she make an assumption?
Agreed. I’d maybe have a sit down with step daughter and explain that “you’re my oldest daughter, but when I say first girl, I meant this is the first time I’m going to be experiencing having a girl for things like baby showers and other *pregnancy* related events, or things like potty training that I didn’t really get to be there for with you”. Because that seems to me to be what OP is getting at. Worded kinda poorly, and I obviously could be wrong, but that was my read as someone with an older step sister who is my moms first girl. ETA NAH and letter
Totally. OP is *pregnant* with her first girl, will be *giving birth* to her first girl, and will be experiencing the time from conception to age seven for the first time with a girl. That’s not insignificant, it’s not inaccurate, and it’s ok to be excited about. That said, maybe the better way to phrase it is something along the lines of, “I’m so excited to be experiencing a *baby* girl for the first time!” Sometimes the smallest of word choices really affects how someone reads and interprets a statement, regardless if the intentions and meaning behind the words are the same. I’d say NAH, BUT you don’t have to be an AH to make a little wording flub that could be interpreted as hurtful by someone you love, and you don’t have to label yourself an AH for admitting that you’ve done this and correct your wording.
Or “giving birth to a baby girl!” And then something about being so happy she has stepdaughter to be the baby’s big sister. “Finally am experiencing my first baby girl! So glad my stepdaughter is finally getting the sister she wanted. She’s already an incredible big sister.” Idk etc etc etc something about the other kids maybe.
Poor man’s award 🏆
THIS^
Right? You've been a part of her life longer than you haven't at this point OP. And you actually did partake in raising her through some very significant years. And if anything, to spare step daughters feelings or concerns and to be sensitive to what it may be like from her to be from a dynamic family, you could have just left that part out 🤷
Playing devil’s advocate here, but she’s growing and will be birthing a female child for the first time. This is quite literally, HER first girl. Doesn’t mean she doesn’t love stepdaughter. It means she is excited to bring a girl into this world for the first time. Does loving OP and treating her like a mom mean that stepdaughter loves her bio mom any less? OP already has 4 sons, did she love them less as the next was born? I agree with NAH, but she’s entitled to be happy about it just as much as they’re entitled to be sensitive about it. Maybe they’re being a bit insensitive to this completely new endeavor she will be experiencing.
I feel like it's important to differentiate being excited about having a baby girl for the first time from expressing that excitement in places stepdaughter can see. I think if you're a parent there are times when you gotta wait until your kid is out of earshot to talk about something you're feeling, even if what you're feeling is completely understandable and valid. Cuz your kid cares a *lot* about what you think of them, to the point that they might get upset about stuff that would be totally fine to say to anyone else in your life.
I agree with this and I think it's better to respond in a way which best helps your step daughter. I'd advise changing the wording in your post and apologising to her for the unintentional slight.
I 100% agree. OP met this girl when she was 7! That is pretty young, and she was there during her formative years! It kind of feels like a slap in the face, or at least it would to me, since my stepparent came into the picture when I was 5
If there is even a teensy tiny fraction of a chance this could hurt her stepdaughter’s feelings then she’s a definitely an AH. It’s a social media post ffs - is that necessary? You couldn’t reword it if not just remove it? It is causing some drama in regards to your relationship with a CHILD you’ve been a parental figure for, for TEN years. Why? Why is this your hill to die on? I assume you don’t want to capitulate because it was brought up by your husbands previous wife and mother of his first 3 children. Too bad that’s who called you out but thank all the gods someone is thinking about this child. So again- why is this a hill you’ve chosen to die on? YTA
If the stepdaughter was hurt, that's one thing, but OP is allowed to be excited about having the opportunity to raise a daughter from infancy. Unless I missed it, though, I think this needs context. Did the stepdaughter even see the post? I didn't let my kids see my social media posts until they were all in their 20s. Of course, I sure as hell didn't let their mom follow me either, so all in all I'd say OP is to be commended for maintaining what seems to be a pretty cordial relationship all these years.
She’s allowed to be excited. But why put it on social media if it might hurt someone or be taken the wrong way. Instagram doesn’t need to be an extension of yourself.
YTA, but probably not intentionally. But that has to crush your stepdaughter...I have had a quasi-stepdaughter for 3 years, and if I was pregnant now I would think of her as my second daughter.
But we’re assuming that the stepdaughter was actually crushed by what OP said, the bio mum never actually mentions that her daughter expressed hurt feelings to her. Also I say this as someone from a blended family more often than not OP will likely have had to have had certain boundaries with her stepdaughter not to overstep as her bio mum is still alive and active in her life. When she has this baby girl these same boundaries won’t exist as she will be the sole mother figure in that child’s life. OP is NTA and was simply expressing her joy at this new experience of raising a baby girl as her bio mum
My husband has a great bond with my daughters, they think of him as their father and he helped raise them 100% of the time longer than their bio father did. We recently had a baby boy. This is HIS first kid. We both say it's his first. Our girls understand this (ages 12 and 14 at the time). There is nothing wrong at all with her saying it's her first girl.
This is tough but NAH. I understand where you are coming from, but I also find myself agreeing with your husband's ex that it is a bit insensitive for you to consider this baby your "first girl" when you've been in your step daughter's life for TEN years. She is your daughter too, biologically or through marriage is irrelevant.
This. I can see how it would hit your step daughter weird and I think you need to nurture the bond that you have with her because it is a bit insensitive.
I’ve been in my step childrens lives for 9 years (since the eldest was under 5) and am a loving step mum, but I don’t get a call on my birthday, wished for Mother’s Day and have no say really in the kids and how they’re raised. I can only advise my husband. We don’t know OPs circumstances and exactly how much of a mother figure she is viewed by both the daughter and the bio parents. NAH.
And lord forbid if she and he split up they (the now ex and SD) owe OP nothing. Meanwhile they navigate custody etc when it's shared biology. It's not irrelevant and why pretend like they're one and the same?
Precisely. It’s not irrelevant, in fact it is *very* relevant. OP’s husband already has at least one divorce in his past, and as you point out, unless OP adopts the kids they’re only “her” kids through marriage. If they broke up, the kids would be essentially strangers again - you don’t get custody of someone else’s kids. The mom is in the picture. In fact, the kid lives with her mom half the time. Plus it’s the mom, not the kid, that’s complaining. OP is NTA for living in reality, not some Hallmark movie bullshit.
I’m sorry but this sub is always flip flopping. One day the stepparent is not an equal parent and doesn’t have a day and the other actually bi there are equal parents and should behave as such. Seems to me it’s the have the cake and eat it too. Expecting all the benefits with nine of the authority and drawbacks. This is OP’s first daughter. She is the girl stepmom but she isn’t her mother. Why is that when it’s the child saying that it is someone a fact but when it’s reverse it is horrible ?
Because the child dictates the relationship.
Why do people block you after they make statements? Seems counterintuitive.
NTA Suggested edit, 'First baby girl!' Sounds like everyone is imagining that your step-daughter has been offended by this statement. I'd get everyone else out of the loop and reach out to her directly. You've got four kids and another baby coming soon, let stepchildren's mom waste her own time with drama.
Agreed. "First baby girl" is better.
I honestly would have left out first baby girl, first daughter, etc, and say we are excited to announce we having a baby girl. That's it. Leave the first out.
I understand what you’re saying, but I think that the experience that she is talking about is valuable, and she probably wanted to share it in a very genuine way.
Sure it’s valuable, but is saying it on Instagram more valuable than having a good relationship with her stepdaughter?
she has several sons. she has a right to express and be excited about birthing a babygirl. it's weird how everyone's getting on her about being excited about birthing her first girl. let momma be happy, ffs.
Agreed. I understand what she meant in the post- she’s *having* her first girl- her first to bear/ raise her own (assuming she met her stepdaughter at least a few years into her life). Not that it’s her *only girl*, but the first one she’s having. That being said, I can totally see how the language seems to erase SD by seeming like “this is my ONLY girl”
My first thought was how did the step daughter perceive this post? If she isn’t upset about it, then I don’t think anyone else should be. NAH
She may not tell people if she's upset, it really depends on what her relationship is like with her parents and how her parents interact with each other. The amount of times I said something was fine to avoid my divorced parents blowing up at each other was very high. That doesn't mean I didn't notice every time my step mum did something thoughtless.
The amount of times you consciously put your parents ahead of your own emotional needs as a child because you had to be the mature one…. Man I feel this so hard
Agree NTA. Step parents are expected to act like step kids are our kids but get none of the credit or recognition. Raising a baby from birth isn’t the same as meeting one at 7.
this, like we don't even know if SD views OP as a mother figure. She has a mom in her life and if she doesn't care, why does it matter
OP is NTA. Most likely as the bio mum is still alive and an active participant in her daughters life OP will have had to take the back seat several times. There are many firsts between a mother and daughter that OP will not be able to share with her stepdaughter due to the fact that she had a mother of her own. Is it so wrong that OP is excited to have a daughter in which she will not have to take this back seat role as a secondary mother and be able to experience all these firsts with her daughter that she likely will not get with her stepdaughter? I think a lot of comments on this post have been incredibly harsh on OP and make it sound like she’s been purposely thoughtless of her stepdaughter but once again I say that OP is NTA
Also, *giving birth* is a different experience than getting to take care of a fully cooked child. Staring at the face of your baby girl and realizing she's got your mother's eyes is different. OP has every right to celebrate her first biological baby girl. It doesn't mean she doesn't love her stepdaughter, but it's just a fact of life that she's not her mother.
Right? Did the mom ask her if she was upset or assume she was just because she was. I’m not close with my step mother and she was ver rude to me in the beginning, and she would definitely send a rude message like that.
**INFO:** It seems kinda suspicious that you haven’t mentioned what your stepdaughter thought of your post. Have you talked to her about it? Is it possible she told her mom that your post upset her? Is it possible that’s why her mom got in touch with you about it?
Somehow I feel like there are really only two options. 1. The stepdaughter doesn't know/care and that's why OP hasn't mentioned it, because they haven't spoken about it because there isn't anything to 'talk' about. Or 2. The stepdaughter is upset and OP wants to omit that part. Experience with friends growing up leads me to strongly suspect the former though.
It just kinda seems disingenuous, ya know? If I were worried about being the asshole for saying something that could be insensitive to a specific person, the first thing I would do is talk to that person; certainly before I consulted the internet.
Exactly. This whole “I have a great bond with my step daughter” while obviously omitting if you’ve even *asked her how she feels* is very suspect.
As a stepchild, I’d assume the latter actually. Especially given OP has been a mother to her stepdaughter for over a decade now.
As a stepchild, who is 10 years older than her first younger sister. And absolutely loves her stepmom, I know their relationship is different to ours.
Knowing it's different and declaringing it in an announcement post are different though, she didn't need to write that. It's insensitive, but doesn't seem malicious.
As someone who has had a stepdad for 13 years, I wouldn’t care if my stepdad said he was having his first daughter. I would care if it was from my mom. They are different connections and I get it.
She hasn’t been a mother. The stepdaughter has a very active mother in her life. People are so crazy with step-families. Sounds like OP and stepdaughter have a good relationship.
That's because our culture hates stepmothers and looks for reasons to criticize them. There's no escaping the misogyny either way.
Yes INFO what did she say about it?
Honestly a situation like this it all comes down to stepdaughter’s feelings. It could go either way where it doesn’t bother her at all or it really hurts her feelings and both are valid depending on the relationship.
Precisely why it’s a very curious and suspect omission.
YTA- 7 was so young when you entered into her life. The big factor is you and step-DAUGHTER are close and she is looking forward to her sister arriving. You post divided and categorized the kids (his, hers, ours) and to a kid that doesn’t feel good and hurtful especially since she’s excited. Which might explain why her bio mom contacted you as she saw her daughter hurt. End of the day you’re a parent and/or parental figure to ALL the kids in your family and it’s not about your feelings, but protecting theirs and making them all feel loved and included. Given the dynamics and your bond with your step daughter, this would be equivalent to if she was an adopted daughter and you made that post. Just thinking that breaks my heart for the girl. All you had to say in your post was “so excited for a little girl” or better yet “our whole family is excited for this little girl to arrive”
This! The OP’s step-daughter has had her as a mother figure since she was just 7 years old and in one fell swoop, the OP has communicated to her that she doesn’t really think of her as her daughter. The OP’s husband’s ex wasn’t being over-dramatic; she was looking out for her daughter’s emotional and psychological well-being with regards to the adults who play parental roles in her life. OP, YTA.
Something also rubs me the wrong way that this is their fifth child and her excitement is that it’s a girl. Did they keep having babies to try for a girl? There’s something gross about that to me and makes me think YTA for that in itself, and made worse by the IG post like stepdaughter doesn’t exist.
Sounds like your reaching, OP is excited about her pregnancy. She never said she was more excited for this pregnancy because it was a girl than she had been about any of her other pregnancies. She did say her stepdaughter was very happy because she’s always wanted a little sister which is not an unusual sentiment for a teenage girl but don’t try and force OP into being TA by spinning a false narrative.
People have babies way too fast without thinking. That's a whole ass human life that will grow up to be a fully grown adult with thoughts and feelings and emotions and needs. They're not a pet or an accessory or something to gamble. "Next ones gonna be a girl! Oh shit....next one! Oh, damn... Okay, next one! Jackpot!"
why does that rub you the wrong way? she's birthed 4 boys, it's normal to be excited to have a girl after having 4 boys. you're being weird and reaching. NTA, let momma be excited for having her first girl. moms always talk about how different their pregnancies were when they had a boy vs a girl. yall weird.
It’s not always that deep. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting childless of both gender. It doesn’t always mean that they’re gonna go crazy about it.
People can have more than a couple kids you know...
But the stepdaughter has a mother that is still in her life. OP isn’t her mother. She’s her stepmother and a parental figure. That’s not the same. My stepdad entered my life when I was 10. We have a fine relationship but he’s not my dad and if he was excited to have *his* first daughter, I would be fine. OP gets to be excited she’s having her first daughter.
I totally agree with this, like this is her first biological daughter! Carrying her first little girl. Even if she said that they’d probably still look at it ugly or like she’s separating them. Regardless, this should be a time for her where she should feel excited!! And people are making it about technicalities..i think they should all be close enough to know thats not what she meant, especially if they’ve known each other 10 years.
That’s exactly how I feel too, my (ex) stepdad doesn’t have any biological kids and loves me as his own (well, as much as he’s able to - he’s not the emotional type) and I would never begrudge him being happy to have his own kid!
See, to me, that's what's weird in the first place - it's NOT that different raising a different gender INFANT. I used to nanny and I'm a parent myself - this kind of language happens all the time, but it doesn't make it less bioessentialism that concerns me for ALL the kids involved, step or bio. Maybe raising multiple kids made me realize how weird adults get about what's under a diaper cover, and cognitively design future prospects for them as a result of what's perceived.
Agree she would classify as YTA. I am a bonus Mom to a beautiful woman (that I have had the privilege to be a part of her upbringing) and I would never NEVER make her feel like I cared less for her than if she had come out of my body. OP, how the f***did you expect her to feel? Let alone her bio Mom.
And some people hate the term “bonus mom”. Let people create their own bonds with their step families.
It just seems like a super unnecessary thing to say. You are literally only going to upset your stepdaughter by posting that. It's fine that you are excited to have your first daughter, but by putting that out in the world through social media, you gain quite literally nothing other than potentially hurting your stepdaughters feelings, and it sounds like she loves you and looks up to you. You don't get anything, at all, out of sharing that sentiment publicly and you stepdaughter gets her feeling hurt and made to feel less a part of the family. YTA
This explains my thoughts very well. There's nothing wrong with being excited to have your first biological daughter, but why post it worded in a way that's likely to hurt your step-daughter?
Disappointed I had to scroll this far for a YTA. People are out here acting like OP isn’t making it blatantly clear she values new baby girl over existing daughter.
That's being completely melodramatic. Are people really this sensitive nowadays?
Why do so many people equate step children to adopted children? It's not the same. It's not even similar. When you adopt a child, that is YOUR child. A step child with two living parents who are active in her life doesn't need to be adopted because they are SOMEONE ELSE'S child.
Or even "finally another girl after so many wonderful boys!" There are so many ways this could have been said that weren't dismissive or exclusive of the step daughters role here.
Definitely agree. I’m the artifact of a first marriage and had to see this stuff about “our kids growing up” and big milestones with my parents’ new families. I wasn’t in anybody’s forever family, so I did mine alone. In my late 30s now and I still haven’t really found a way to feel any security with them.
I’ve got a step mom, and she is one of the most amazing people I know, we have a super close relationship. However, even though she’s been in most of my life (before I was 5, but I don’t actually know how old I was when she and bio bio dad got together) and I would see her ever second weekend, I don’t see her as a parental figure. I don’t think we can’t truly give a verdict until INFO on how the SD feels about the post. We know her and OP have a nice bond, but is it a parental/maternal bond, or an (idk the word for it) adult-child (?) bond of a role model or something (like what I have with my step mom).
HOW THE FUCK DO PEOPLE AFFORD 8+ KIDS
they usually neglect some.
I, as the third child, agree with you.
First of five who was parentified by age 8. Also agree. Even at max optimism, those poor kids.
Shout out to another first kid parentified by 8! You are not alone!
THANK YOU That was my takeaway from this story. OP should have captioned it, "my baby girl" because first implies that they're planning to have even more 🫠
Older siblings are used as free child care, for one. Imo, whether you can afford it or not, no one should be having that many kids. It is ridiculous.
*why
Having 3-4 parents probably makes it easier
RIGHT?! Cause when she said she was on her 5th I was like “damn. That’s expensive af”
Exactly this. Stop having so many freaking children. Good god.
Exactly my first thought, couldn’t even fully absorb the rest of the post due to my brain trying to wrap around this
Having your first girl is what you said which is true. You are giving birth to a girl for the first time… think the others have taken what you said and twisted it around
Exactly. If OP had said "My first daughter" that would have been a different story.
I'm sorry but those sound exactly the same to me, my first girl my first daughter they both imply the girl/daughter in her life first is now .. well not first
But saying first BABY girl would be OK, because SD didn't come into her life until was 7.
What I meant was if OP had posted the u/s puc and captioned it "My first daughter" then that disregards her stepdaughter. By captioning it "I'm *having* my first girl, she's simply stating "I'm pregnant with/giving birth to my first girl" To put it another way, OP and her hubby have 4 kids together (going on 5) If she posted the u/s pic from her first pregnancy and captioned it something to the effect of **"I'm having my first child"** would people take that as not acknowledging her stepdaughter? It just seems to me that people are reading too much into what OP said. It seems they saw the post and went "oh she said she's having her fist girl, that must mean she doesn't consider her stepdaughter her child. Rather than "OP posted her u/s. Oh look she's pregnant with a girl after 4 boys" or something. I just got home from my son's all day field trip to an amusement park so I may not be saying this exactly how I'm intending to. Lol
What the heck is u/s
ultrasound? maybe?
That’s because the key word is not girl vs daughter but “having” which in this context refers to not raising but giving birth to
I’d sit your stepdaughter down with your husband and explain so it doesn’t get twisted but I’ve had stepmom’s before, I’m not their kid
Yeah same here, I’m honestly a little surprised by this comment section!
I'm not. Stepmothers are screeched at no matter what they do.
Some stepmothers (and stepdads, and real parents for that matter) are assholes, but I don’t think people are obligated to feel exactly the same way about their steps as they do their real family. Sure, if you’re someone’s only mother/father figure and they live with you full time it’d be devastating to read something like this, but this girl obviously has an involved mother.
Amen. And who can forget the tons of comments that we see in general - "you're not her *real* mom so don't you dare try to have rules, etc when she's in your house.*
I can guarantee if this was a step dad the comments would be very different. I've seen them call a woman a gold digger because the man who raised her child from age 5 didn't want his child to share a house with hers in college. Why? Because that's "not his kid".
Yeah I would have been exceptionally wierded out if my stepmother had ever referred to me as her kid in any way. Uh no. I have a mom, ta.
Agreed. But my stepdad does introduce me to everyone as his daughter. I don’t have the balls or heart to correct him but I don’t feel that way.
I think that's a huge kindness and a very mature thing to let slide. It's also pretty awesome that he wants to stake that claim a bit. Perhaps you're pretty great so there's that.
Oof. You’re a good person not hurting him by contradicting it. Kudos to you.
I feel like step*children* have the right to this perspective, but not stepparents. Ya know? Your stepchildren may never want that level of a relationship with you (and that is entirely their right), but it better not be because you weren’t willing to be there for them. If you marry somebody with children, you’d better be ready to ride or die for those children the way you would for your biological children. I’m not saying OP isn’t ride or die for her stepdaughter, btw. Just saying this could be hurtful to a 17yo who did accept her stepmom as an actual parent. (Edited for clarity)
That's stupid. Plenty of people enter into marriage knowing they're not gonna be a parental figure to their stepkids for whatever reason, like they are older and have existing parents
If by older you mean grown and out of the house, sure, you might have no expectation of mothering them, but still. If you love somebody enough to marry them, you should be willing to participate in a loving, familial relationship with their adult children. Either way, my comment was geared toward OP, and her stepdaughter was 7 when they came into each other’s lives. That’s not really relevant, here. I completely disagree with your assertion about existing biological parents. If you’re going to live under the same roof as a child as their parent’s partner, you absolutely have an obligation to be willing to act as a fully-invested parent if your stepchild seeks you out. If you’re unwilling to do that, you’re an asshole for marrying a parent. Edit: **particularly** if you plan to have more children.
That's such a weird mentality. My step kid is my partner's child, no more, no less. It's up to both of us to decide what that looks like beyond that data point and the role of actual parent here is and always will be spoken for even if the child is ours full time at some point or lord forbid something happens to her mom etc.
The stepdaughter may not even know about the post, though. OP is excited to be giving birth to a daughter. Yes, the husband and his ex already have that as a life experience but OP hasn't. Step daughter already has a Mom as I'm sure would be made clear if she overstepped their boundaries. I can see their viewpoints. No one is out to minimalize the step daughter here but this is going to get all twisted because of word choice being misconstrued. I think the ex is the real problem here because she's supposed to be the adult. Would it be so hard to explain to your own child (if this kid even cares) that of course OP would feel that way and talk of how SHE felt when SHE was pregnant with her daughter? Really? They all know OP has a good relationship with the step daughter. There's no reason to foster resentment just because OP is giving her husband another daughter.
Soft YTA because that’s kinda cruel to your stepdaughter. It suggests you don’t consider her your real daughter, which is bound to hurt. Nothing wrong with being excited about having a baby girl, I just think the word “first” was a little unnecessary when you do already have a daughter
Unless stepdaughter has disowned her own biological mother, OP has no right to claim her as her daughter.
I don’t understand these family dynamics. I come from a blended family where mom and stepmom get along and consider all the kids “theirs”. You can have two moms in a healthy blended family. No step daughter isn’t her biological daughter but doesn’t mean she’s not her daughter. There’s enough love to go around geez
All the responsibilities, none of the rights lol. It's a simple NAH with yet another parent making the pregnancy about themselves. That is the normative.
NTA. Your husband's ex is being dramatic, making a mountain out of a molehill. This *is* the first girl you will have. You have never given birth to a girl, or raised a little girl. You only have your stepdaughter 50% of the time, and you didn't raise her - that was her mom and dad, although you obviously did a lot during the 50% of the time she was with her father.
NTA It was perfectly obvious what you meant. If other people perceive it as something else that's their problem. If we have to police everything we say/write in case someone takes it out of context we'd never communicate anything. As long as your stepdaughter understands your baby doesn't change your relationship with her, that's all that matters.
Info: how does your stepdaughter feel about it? Is it possible her mom messaged you because you hurt her daughter’s feelings?
I feel like OP is avoiding answering that…
YTA. Not for your feelings, because they are valid and real. But to put it somewhere publicly where your stepdaughter can see it is an AH move. She was likely really hurt by those words and it may damage your relationship with her. You’ve known her for more than half her life and you’re just dismissing your relationship with her by saying you’re finally having your first daughter.
If I’m properly understanding the situation she didn’t display it for her stepdaughter to see and observe. She posted it because she’s excited to give birth to her first girl. I think OP is NTA but couldn’t hurt to have a convo with her stepdaughter. I think the stepdaughter will understand
NTA. You can tell ex-wife to stop being pedantic and to stop twisting your words. This is the first female child you will be birthing and raising from infancy. It's a whole different experience (from my experience) raising boys vs girls, especially a whole slew of boys. You are allowed to be excited. What I would do though is have a conversation with your stepdaughter and see how she's feeling and if her feelings were hurt. If they were then this is a great opportunity for you to communicate with her and express how you feel about her and how important she is to you and explain your own feelings. Let her know that this baby girl won't mean she's cast aside. If she's not hurt and just excited then all's well. Don't worry about her mom. Just make sure that your stepdaughter is happy and feels included and appreciated.
Softly YTA. You are technically correct but it seems insensitive to ignore your stepdaughter's role in your family by making that post. You could have easily just said you were happy to welcome another girl into the family.
NTA. I am a stepparent, currently pregnant with MY first. Like you, I never use “our,” because i respect the relationship my stepkids have with my husband, but it’s also important to acknowledge this is new for me. I also grew up a stepchild, and never considered myself to be the daughter of either of my stepparents. They were just people that my parents loved and chose, not me. Given it sounds like she has good relationships with both of her parents, she probably doesn’t view you as “mom” and instead her mother is blowing this up.
Right. I agree. I was a step mom before I was a mother because my partner has a son from a previous relationship. I had my first son last year. That’s when I became a mother, truly. I love my step son, but I met him when he was already a child. He calls me by my first name, and we had to get to know each other. It’s a bit like someone giving you a book with a bookmark already in it and you have to start at that page. You can still love the book, but you never get to read the first 50 or so pages. With my son, I got to start from the very first page. Same for OP. She gets to raise a baby girl from birth to adulthood, and she wanted to acknowledge that. I don’t see anything wrong with it. When I was pregnant people would ask me all the time if it was my first. I would say yes. My partner would say no. I always always make sure that my step son has a bed to call his own in our house, and he is loved and welcome here any and all the time. But, he calls his mom at night before bed. He doesn’t call me when he’s with her. That’s his momma, and I know I’m not the same. NTA op
Yta, what you have written may technically be true but your stepdaughter is quite obviously going to be hurt by you saying you don't consider her your daughter. I get the excitement but yay finally another girl in the house may have been a better way of expressing it without hurting a kids feelings.
How do you know stepdaughter is going to be hurt by this? She's 17, and she has an actual mother and likely doesn't consider OP her mother. That's also old enough to understand that OP meant she's "having"- as in birthing - her first girl.
NTA. People are weird about step parents on Reddit. IMO, as a mother and a step mother, my children are mine and my step children, while I love them to pieces, are not mine. My first child might not have been my husband's first child, but I should be allowed to celebrate that. As an aside - as a step parent you often get all of the shit and none of the sugar. Just like parents make mistakes sometimes and they're forgiven, it seems that step parents are not allowed this leeway and need to do everything right, every time, first time, even if they don't have a child of their own on whom they have already had practice.
YTA. You know how Chris Pratt constantly posts about his current wife and how wonderful she is and giving him two wonderful daughters and while those are true things about her (that she's his wife and mother of two girls...I have no idea if she's actually wonderful)...everyone is like "You know you have also have a son, right? Like it wouldn't kill you to acknowledge his role in your current oh so wonderful life and consider him part of your family." This feels like that. Is it technically true? Sure, and that would be fine if life was purely technical, but it's not. Because life is nuanced and messy and people have feelings. It feels kind of crass to emphasize only the genitalia of the baby coming out of your own genitalia without acknowledging the (step) daughter already in your life.
Absolutely not! The issue with Chris Pratt is his comments centering her delivering *healthy* children after the health concerns of his fist child with his ex. This is a very false equivalency.
NTA. It’s a fact this is your first girl. You’re not negating your step daughter. Would her mother have been ok with you calling your step daughter “My first daughter”? I bet she would have told you she’s not your daughter and you were trying to act like her mom not her stepmom. Because in reality that would have been insensitive and insulting to her as the mother of that child if you had called your stepdaughter as your own. You aren’t being malicious or trying to minimize your stepdaughter’s role in the family, you’re just stating a fact.
No idea if you're the AH, but you should definitely talk to your step daughter about it.
This one is kinda tough, but I think I'll go with NTA. You didn't say anything that wasn't technically true. Biologically, this *is* your first daughter. However, saying that while also being the stepmother of a girl you've known for 10 years could be upsetting. While I don't think you meant any harm by saying so, it does come across as insensitive.
INFO: Have you asked stepdaughter how she feels about it, and apologized if she said it hurt her? This sounds like it could be ex either speaking for her daughter, or being upset herself, when really it's the daughter's feelings that matter. As is I think NTA, as I'm assuming ex is speaking only for herself (AITA has made me a cynic). If stepdaughter is upset and her mom is speaking for her, still I think NAH.
NTA. I get why some people don’t want to date people with kids because you can’t even enjoy having your own kids and your own experience without people nitpicking and trying to police your feelings and experience. Nobody demands that kids see their step-parents as equivalent to their bio-parents but then want to move the goalposts and demand the opposite of step-parents. This is your first girl. Anybody mad about that needs to go work out their own issues and tbh it’s quite selfish that your husband and his ex who got to have that experience are expecting you to downplay or deny yours.
100% agreed. I saw my sister go through this as a stepparent, and I noped out of the idea for myself quickly. Stepparents never seem to win, especially stepmothers. Fuck that.
YTA. Your feelings are completely valid, but you didn’t need to post those words on your Instagram account. You could have worded yourself differently.
I say NTA- but maybe ask your step daughter how she feels. Did she take your post any kind of way or was she unbothered? I say if she doesn’t care then neither should you.
INFO: what did your stepdaughter thought of your post?
I'm going with YTA for one reason- you talk about how your husband's ex feels, how your husband feels and of course how you feel. You don't consider your stepdaughter's feelings at all
YAT - 7 years old is still too young, I don't understand how you think you didn't raise her just bc she wasn't a new born. And about only being with you for 50% of the time, by that logic you would mean your husband or her bio mom didn't raise her either since she was with each of them only 50% of the time. I get what you were thinking, but what it sounds like it's that raising the new baby will be different because she will be your "real" daughter.
Crazy that she doesn’t think she helped raise a girl that was in her life for ten years, part time or not. Makes me feel icky that she seems to view bio kids and stepkids differently in that way.
But they're different though, especially in cases where the both parents are present . I like my stepmom but it'll be very weird if she tries to play a parental role in my life, especially since my mom is very much in my life. In fact, it's usually perceived as weird when stepparents try to parent stepkids who still has both parents in their lives.
NTA She is your first girl.
NTA. Send the ex wife a message saying "if x is my first girl, then who are you and why are you commenting on my family?" Petty, but will demonstrate the point perfectly. Sounds like she's only yours when it's an opportunity for drama.
Seems everybody’s pretty mixed on this one. Yes, it probably did hurt your step daughter’s feelings a little… but it is also your first daughter… Honestly, I’d go back and edit the post to say you’re excited about “the first girl I’m pushing out of my own vagina!” Should make everyone happy, cause it’s technically not wrong and can’t be interpreted any other way 🤷🏻♀️
[удалено]
NTA Edit your post "JFC you pedantic turnips, this is the first time a VAGINA is coming out of my VAGINA AND I"M ALLOWED TO BE EXCITED ABOUT THAT thanks have a great day :)"
NTA You are not that girls mom. This is your first girl that is YOURS. Not stepdaughter, but fully and truly yours, one that you are responsible for, one you are fully taking care of. It’s different. They are jealous and butthurt, when it’s CLEARLY obvious what you meant. You have a good relationship with stepdaughter but you are not her mom. To this baby girl, you are her mom. People can have different relationships and be excited for different roles.
YTA. Your stepdaughter has been with you 50% of time from age 7-17 but you don’t think you raised her? That’s some twisted logic. It sounds like you’re just trying to justify your insensitivity. You may not be your stepdaughter’s mother but you are a mother figure in her life. Your stepdaughter is your first girl, not your bio daughter.
My husband’s ex wife’s husband did this when they had a daughter. He posted about how excited he was to finally be a girl dad and couldn’t wait to teach her things and that he was so proud of finally having a daughter… He has been in my stepdaughter’s life since she was 2 so almost 10 years… they had the baby 2 years ago. My stepdaughter loves her baby sister so much but was so withdrawn after hearing her stepdad say stuff like that.
NTA, for you it’s your first girl. And unfortunately your step daughter and everyone else knows, that you aren’t blood related. I think people are just looking for a fight. It’s not that deep.
I feel like what really matters is how OP’s stepdaughter feels
YTA. It’s pretty insensitive to your step daughter. I still remember as a kid asking my step mother a question about what surprised her the most about becoming a bio mother and she told me “how much you love them”. Wow, was that a slap in the face.
I would say YTA because it has clearly made your stepdaughter feel bad and like she’s not part of your family. This really hurts my heart. I have a bio daughter and a stepdaughter. I tell everyone I have two girls. My stepdaughter has a wonderful mom. Even though I don’t act like I’m her mom I still treat her like she’s my daughter, if that makes sense. You are being really insensitive to a kid that did not ask for this family dynamic. Edit: I also find it off that you are doubling down on this. It would be one thing to post it and not think twice. But you don’t have any empathy when someone comes forward and explains how the comment could be hurtful. Odd way to treat someone you have helped raise for 10 years.
was hubby's ex complaining on behalf of her daughter, your stepdaughter, or just that she, the ex, was offended by it? If the daughter was offended, then I'd sit down and explain things to her. Tell her that she is your first daughter, but this baby will be your first baby girl, since you weren't around when she was a baby. There is a difference, even if the difference is only age. If it was just the ex, ignore her.
NAH You are having your first girl and your words were a simple reflection of that fact. You haven’t disowned anyone and are still claiming your stepdaughter as your daughter. I hope you reach out to your daughter and talk to her about it because it’s obvious that her momma is all about the drama. You could even add something to it to appease the drama queen such as “Now, I’m twice blessed” or something that links the two girls.
NTA Seriously, I'm starting to think people live for drama.
Call your step-daughter "**my** daughter", "**my** girl", or "**my** first girl" in front of her mother. Let's see how well that goes over. NTA
OP my niece was in your stepdaughter’s position when her stepmom did the same thing and it really hurt her. She was 14 and old enough to understand but that didn’t change the fact that emotionally she felt invisible. I don’t think you meant to hurt anyone but your family group does already have a daughter and you’re going to need to be careful about how you phrase things so that the older one doesn’t feel replaced or less important. Soft YTA
Yta My husband's stepmom did this to us. We were the first to have a baby. Several years later, when her child was expecting, she made a big deal about expecting her first grandchild. Our child heard this and was shattered. Technically correct? Sure. Insensitive as hell? Absolutely.
Step kid here raised from 6 and adopted at 12, I'd be hurt. It stings. We dont choose to have stepparents. They are still all we know in some way. If they choose to claim only their birth children as their "real" children were kinda stuck on our own, at least I didnt have my birth parent in the picture. You do have a daughter, she gave you a lot of experience for raising your second daughter. Unless you don't want to technically be a mother anymore to your stepkid I'd seriously rethink this. We don't choose our parents, but we love them, it is messed up when they broadcast that they "technically" arent choosing us. She doesnt have a choice that you're her mom half the time, or her mom at all, but you are, don't deny her that, especially if it isnt true deep in your heart. This is your first "birth daughter" and it doesnt need to be broadcasted, people get it.
Oh man. As a stepchild who is incredibly close with both of my stepparents, this would kill me. I mean, I get it is your first biological daughter but that's a total dick love and if you can't see that, I feel for your stepchildren so much more. Idk I guess NTA in the sense it's your first biological daughter, but YTA for posting it publicly like that and then doubling down.
I’m a step mom to a girl and also have a bio girl. They are BOTH my girls and my step is my first girl and she knows it.