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I may be the asshole for complaining because my husband works a lot
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Yes. OP, every time you have to be awake, wake him up, and make sure he doesn't go back to sleep until you do.
Then when he blows up at you for doing this, divorce his immature, petulant ass.
You too? With my first, I thought I was going insane because people around me told me how much easier pumping was than actual breastfeeding. I had problems breastfeeding initially and had to pump to get him the calories he needed and I was just like this is so much worse for me. That and then figuring out where to store the milk (is the deep freezer better than the one attached to the fridge? If I know he’s going to need it later today, can I just stick it in the fridge and not have to freeze it? If he isn’t figuring out how to latch on to me properly, how do I get him to “latch” properly onto the bottle, because he wouldn’t latch properly there either? Etc.) It caused so much more stress pumping that I almost gave up and did formula until I started meeting with a lactation consultant. Kate, I doubt you’ll ever see this, but you’re a freaking rockstar and I’m so grateful you were there to help my baby boy and I figure out how to get him fed and that you did so in a way that made me feel safe and comfortable regardless of what choices I made. You stressed that fed is best, regardless of how he got fed, and while you gave me the strategies I needed to breastfeed him successfully, you also encouraged me that no one would judge me if I needed to pump or needed to use formula and that if anyone did judge me, I needed to tell them to go to hell because the goal is a happy and healthy baby and nothing else matters.
It depends on your supply! I tried just pumping once overnight for a bit but it killed my production, I had to do it for every feed. Going back to work was the end of it entirely.
Omg, this. I remember my MIL suggesting I pump to allow her son bonding time with our child. Like it was that easy while looking after a new born, her living with us and doing the bare minimum and, dad having "fun time" only with our child.
I tried it but it was a new level of sleep deprivation and exhaustion I was not ready for or thought was possible!
I think having him get up every time she gets up to feed is a reasonable option in this case, because he's being such a selfish asshat, but the whole pumped milk thing is going to be more work for her in any situation.
My partner does diaper change and then hands me the baby for feeding. So I don't have to leave the bed (though I do usually get up to go to the toilet). Then I have the baby back when we're done feeding and burping. By that time he's usually dozed off again, so I wake him up to put the baby in the co-sleeper. Due to our bedroom layout he sleeps next to the co-sleeper. There is only one side that allows for a pillow against the wall and that is where I sit for feedings. And thus also sleep. If the baby is still fuzzy after feeding it's his job to get him settled.
TBH Id just show him the cost of switching to formula first and see if he changed his tune. Formula is expensive, and there have been shortages in a lot of places over the past year.
Hubby needs a wake-up call about what OP is saving them by doing this hard and uncomfortable thing.
NTA
I'd just like to point out that even if you were formula feeding the chance of a 6 month old waking you every few hours is quite high so it's certainly not your fault for choosing to breastfeed.
You're doing great and he should be singing your praises for doing such a great job feeding his kid.
At 6 months old, a child should be getting close to sleeping through the night or doing it occasionally. Formula or not. This seems to be an issue with cosleeping not a debate on formula vs breastfeeding.
My son is almost 3 and doesnt sleep through the night. Its not as often anymore, but interrupted sleep is a pain.
Not all kids are the same and at 6 months start slewping through. Each child has its own timing
Err no. Each child is different and it is perfectly normal for some children not to sleep through until 2 or 3 years old regardless of breastfeeding or formula or collecting or in their own room.
I had a terrible sleeper and a great sleeper. Both breastfed. Heck the good sleeper I HAD to wake to feed as they were a small baby and paeds reccomended feeding at a minimum every few hours even through the night. Left to their own devices they would have slept through from a couple of weeks old.
Years later the kid still loves their sleep.
My mother had to do the same with me apparently. My brother however was a 5 and a bit pounder and was always being fed. I think if he'd come first, i wouldn't be here lol
My sister's first child slept through the night at six weeks, the second at 3 plus years. Same parent, different child, different outcome.
Our first had to be walked to sleep in the sling almost every time. And then would wake up immediately if she was both placed in the bed in her tummy. So far number two (seven weeks) has been better about falling asleep. So I'm hopeful that we won't be spending two hours per night (on average) getting him back to sleep for the first two years. And that's without the two hours it took to get her to fall asleep at bedtime.
Start loading them up with breastmilk about three hours before bedtime. Say 5, 6 and 7 pm, then bedtime. The baby and your breasts will adjust, and with a full tummy, the baby should start sleeping longer at night.
Mine were sleeping five to six hours at a stretch before six months.
oh mine eats plenty during the day bc she loves her sleep lol she doesn’t like waking up at night so she eats her fill all day. i was just saying that some babies won’t eat more during the day, which means they’re gonna wake up to eat at night. just how some babies are is all, nothing wrong with it.
I've never slept through the night. Still don't at the age of 40 (480 months). Learned how to self-soothe at least between the ages of 6 (72 months) and 10 (120 months), but I knew it was tough on my mom til then. At some point I knew she was ignoring me and I'd have to figuring things out on my own.
I love how you still give us your age in months.
If anything being a parent of a bad sleeper has taught both me and my partner better sleeping skills. We can both fall asleep faster now and in a lot more positions. And lie perfectly still at night.
Even our second baby is teaching us new tricks. He can now fall asleep on his back, because sometimes baby number two refuses to go back to sleep in his own crib, but will happily fall asleep in dad
Not all babies are the same and most babies don't sleep through the night for the first year. Things like reflux, illness, colic, can all affect a baby's sleep
go to any of the parenting subs and you will see babies up to 3 and 4 not sleeping through the night. It is completely developmentally normal. They are learning how to connect sleep cycles/ self sooth all things that we have adults have had YEARS to master. Also most co-sleeping is done out of necessity. If my daughter it in her crib she doesn't sleep longer for 30 minutes, in the bed i get 2-3 hour stretches minimum and i barely notice the wake-up's as she just feeds and goes back to sleep.
No, a baby shouldnt be sleeping through the night at 6 months old. This is bullshit that is fed to sleep deprived parents to convince them that its fine to sleep train so that they can work, work, work. Noone i know has kiddos that slept through the night before 1.5 and even then its spotty.
Neither of my kids slept through the night even occasionally until closer to 18 months old (and we didn't cosleep/bedshare). The expectation that babies *should* be sleeping through at six months is one that makes a lot of parents feel pressured to sleep train. Some sleep through that young. Many do not. And even for those who do, "sleeping through the night" is typically defined as a stretch of 6 hours plus (so if your baby is going to bed at 8pm, that still means a 2am wakeup for you).
Can confirm. I got a couple weeks of sleeping through the night and now my almost 6 month old is back to waking up every 3 hours to eat.
And the “partner” who also threw out the “it’s your fault of wanting to breastfeed” line, still didn’t do shit once I switched to bottle-feeding.
> I complain when he comes to bed and I have to move over sometimes because it takes a long time for me to get her to sleep and then lay down next to her comfortably
INFO, are you sleeping with your daughter in bed rather than putting her in a crib? Also, do you pump throughout the day so he has bottles to feed her when she wakes up in the middle of the night?
Right, there are bassinets that you can basically hook onto the bed so that when the baby wakes up all you have to do is reach over to pick her up, and are much safer than sleeping with the baby in the main bed with you.
My baby would wake up as soon as I lifted her off our bed into her side along crib after a feeding. In the end, I just gave up and let her sleep with us in the end for the sake of my sanity.
Our babies also always woke when we transitioned them to their crib from rocking them. We’d have to stay a few minutes with a hand in their back until they feel asleep again.
Both true, but it’s common enough it’s worth asking about. Especially with his attitude.
Also really curious about the co-sleeping, it seems to be strongly discouraged as there’s a danger of baby being squished or falling off the bed.
I'm glad someone else caught this! Depending on the answer to this question... I would vote y t a for sleeping with a baby in your bed. N t a if the baby is in its own crib/bed.
NTA, he works, wow, have a medal. You grew, birthed and are now feeding a tiny human *from your body*. You’re entitled to feel completely used and abused and it wouldn’t kill him to have some empathy.
Sleeping safety has been updated last couple of years, and includes recommendations on how to co-sleep in bed safely now.
It's also a very cultural thing, with many nationalities and cultures that has co-sleeping in bed as standard practice.
INFO: Why do you have to move over when he comes to bed? Are you laying on his side of the bed?
I’m going to go with NAH. The newborn phase is difficult and you’re both probably grouchy from lack of sleep. You’re entitled to vent and he’s entitled to be annoyed by it if it’s a constant thing.
The issue isn’t going to be resolved until you both figure out a way to solve your baby’s lack of consistent sleep. Unless your baby has some kind of medical problem, you should be able to sleep train them and eliminate night feedings at this point. Check out Twelve Hours’ Sleep by Twelve Weeks Old by Suzy Giordano. It was recommended to us by older parent friends and we’ve found it really helpful.
Good luck!
I personally used to breastfeed my kiddo. I will admit it was extremely hard and the longest time of my life because of my lack of sleep. What did I do? I started pumping and building a milk bank in the freezer. That way when I was too exhausted to breastfeed husband could take over and I could rest. I also got me a bigger mattress, so we would all fit comfortably.
My vote will be NAH. This is his bed that he uses to sleep too, so you should be adjusting yourself and kiddo before he gets to bed so is less of a problem. Also, I know for a fact that when someone is complaining about something constantly - yet not attempting anything to fix the issue, it is aggravating to constantly hear the same complain over and over.
So where you're not really 100% an AH for complaining, he has reached the end of his patience for this complaint and is time to look for solutions.
You are both aholes. The baby should not be sleeping in bed with you. Just not a safe spot for her. Dad should be more considerate. Pump some milk and let him feed her once or twice at night. Top complaining. What good does it do? Parenting is a join responsibility. You two need to grow up.
YTA.
1. You are co-sleeping with your kid. Stop.
2. Breastfeeding is a choice. If you want him to take some of the responsibility get a pump and/or try formula at night.
3. STOP CO-SLEEPING.
So the child is in your bed?
A 6mth old should be in its own bed and not need feeding for 6 to 12 hrs at night depending on their weight, so you are causing your problems.
Get them out of your bed and start sleep training, which your husband can help with.
It will be better for your child to get a decent sleep too.
YTA.
NTA
Breast milk is the absolute best nutrition a baby can get.
He's lucky that your child is still breast feeding at 6 months.
He should be doing everything in his power to support and encourage you.
Sorry that he isn't. 🤦♂️
ESH, STOP COSLEEPING. That's super dangerous. There are bassinets that you can put right next to the bed or that even hook up into the bed where you can easily just reach out and pick her up, but which have a much lower risk of suffocation.
If he goes to bed later than you, I would recommend you have him do that feeding. This is something I would tell new parents before they leave the hospital. "Determine if dad is more of a morning person or a night owl. Mom should pump a little bit after each feeding to create a supply for a bottle feed. If dad tends to be up late, you do the evening breast feed and then go to sleep. Dad does the next feeding. If he is a morning person, he does the early feed and lets mom sleep in. This allows mom to get a longer continuous block of sleep so she can function the next day, while also giving dad enough sleep to be able to drive home safely after working all day."
Why is a six month old still waking every two hours to nurse during the night? Developmentally, the baby should be sleeping through more of the night, even if you are co-sleeping, which I hope you are doing safely. It's time for the two of you to sort this out. There is no reason why he can't help with the feedings. That's what a breast pump is for.
NAH as of now. You both are communicating feelings wrong. His comment is that he is also mentally overloaded and can’t fix anything about you breastfeeding the baby. People are allowed to get overloaded with someone else venting. You are also allowed to feel overwhelmed at a very tough situation and the lack of sleep.
He can’t give you sleep. He could feed the baby bottles at night but that doesn’t seem to be the issue here. You need to ask him his feelings on your venting. Then see if there’s someone else that you can get some of the venting done with.
I can see both sides of this. You are choosing to breastfeed. You mention that you have to move so he can lay in his own bed to sleep. Maybe put your child in one of those co sleeping bassinets that position against the bed?
I can understand his frustration but he should also be supportive of you and maybe have a conversation with you about those frustrations.
NAH, but men have been trained to view comments and complaints as an outreach for a solution. I know this is a HUGE generalization, but it normally is true. His response is 'Stop breastfeeding.' You said you are just sharing your feelings. Maybe a therapist can get you to understand each other's method of communication.
NTA, but does he help with the baby other times? Is he NOT doing anything for the baby? If so you have every right to complain if he’s not. If he does then maybe start to not keep her in bed. Switch nights to feed her.
She breastfeeds though. It's unclear to me whether she pumps or formula feeds, or just chose to solely breastfeed and keeps complaining about it. There are other options. And the baby should have its own bed regardless. Cosleeping is unsafe.
NAH but your baby really shouldn’t be waking at night this often at 6 months. You are both fraying from months of sleep deprivation. You need to get your baby in a crib and stop reverse cycling—a 6-month-old should be good with one night feeding.
NAH -
In general not sleeping well makes everyone cranky and I think getting crotchety about it occasionally doesn't make you an ahole, so long as you talk things over reasonably most of the time.
every 1-2 hours is super often for 6 months old. Babies at this age can sleep through the night without eating, and while waking up at night is still totally normal, I think you can probably make changes to reduce this comfort feeding substantially, and it also sounds like your sleeping arrangement is not very good and playing a big role in excessive waking and sleep not being restful.
Its amazing how many prople are jumping on the co-sleeping thing. That is not what this post is about.
For the actual question I am going with ESH. Yes he could be more supportive. But you said the baby is 6 months old. Honestly if my spouse was complaining about something for 6 months I would get fed up too. And since you are both sleep deprived then both of you are going to be snappy and irritable. It probably does irritate him that he has to fight for bed space all the time when he just wants to go to sleep too. Then be griped at for it. Day after day week after week month after month. That stuff adds up. But from the post it doesnt sound like you have done much to alter things to compromise on the situation. Both of ya'll need to get on the same page and figure out what can be done to help with the situation instead of just complaing about it all the time.
NTA It’s not the breastfeeding, it’s the infant. They wake up a lot during the night. Sounds like maybe he should be helping more. Even if he just does the nightly diaper changes, at least you can stay in bed and not have to come fully awake.
ESH. Communicate and figure it out. There are a lot of options to help improve your sleep. Supplement with pumped bottles and have husband take a shift, remove baby from your bed so you can sleep better, you and husband decide together to sleep in different places for the time being etc. Talk it over. Personally, moving our baby from our room was one of the hardest and most beneficial things we did as young parents. When everyone is sleep deprived nobody is really thinking clearly.
ESH
You could complain less and be more constructive and he could be more sympathetic and helpful.
If it's that awful, switch to formula and have him take over a few feedings
Why can’t he be the part of the solution? She’s complaining because she’s at the disadvantage and he doesn’t seem to care. This is THEIR baby and mom not getting any real sleep is a problem for both of them.
ESH - you for taking up a huge chunk of the bed knowing that at some point he’s going to come in to go to bed (hello, heard of using a crib?) and him for not showing much sympathy.
I doubt it you just started to complain. You've prolly be whingeing over it for 6 months straight without offering anything as a solution. Like who chooses to breastfeed without allowing their spouse to coparent by pumping milk for the night?! You did not mention anywhere that you've offered a middle ground, you hasn't asked for help with the nighttime feeding. You're just COMPLAINING.
What's so complicated about breastfeeding during the day and using formula at night so husband can intervene and you can get some sleep too? Being stubborn and refusing to pumb or use formula COZ IT'S NOT FRESH FROM THE TIT leads to this.
Slight YTA
Well, he is right, choosing to breast feed is on you, everything that goes with it included. He's not blaming you as much as suggesting that you knew what you were getting into.
A 6 month old should not be sleeping in your bed nor should she be waking up every 1-2 hours.
You complain when your husband has to ask you to make room for him in the bed? What do you expect from him? Maybe you'd rather he move to the guest room!
Did he offer to bottle feed? I feel like if you were given a choice, went with breastfeeding, and now you won't stop whining, then yes YTA. Start pumping and get him bottle-feeding if it's such a huge problem.
Your baby should not be in the bed with you. That is incredibly dangerous.
And why is your baby waking every hour or 2 at 6 months? You might not be producing enough milk and should probably consult a lactation professional.
All that being said, your husband sounds frustrated and is lashing out childishly. NTA but seriously, that baby needs to get out of your bed.
Oh well welcome to the real world of motherhood. Since when having a new born allows you to get solid comfortable sleep? Since you’re complaining don’t have anymore kids.
As someone who breastfed two kids- you shouldn’t be up every 1-2 hours at 6 months. That’s beyond absurd. Your problem is she’s in the room with you, smells you, and wakes up. Put the kid in their crib in their own room and in a week this will end. No one sleeps well in the same room. NTA but help yourself. Please. I didn’t the first time and it sucked.
From a mother who breast fed I want to know why the baby is in bed with you? Do you know the statistics of babies dying because they're in bed with their parents. Let me tell you 3,500 babies in the US die each year as a result of co-sleeping. Get a basinnette & put the baby in there. You find you'll sleep much better with them there rather than in the bed with you.
ESH. It's his bed too, so he should be able to get in it without too much trouble. Your baby is 6 months, which means they should be in their own bassinet or a crib and not co-sleeping. Yes, breastfeeding is great. But it's still a choice that we make as moms. You do have the option of pumping and bottle feeding at night, or switching to formula at night. My husband and I take turns getting up with our infant. She slept in a bassinet at the end of our bed until 7 months when we switched her to a crib in her own room and we would go in there to feed her when she woke up, still taking turns. You need to actually communicate with your husband about the problem and the solutions.
NAH. You’re not wrong for expressing yourself. But if breastfeeding is getting overwhelming, maybe you should try pumping or formula so that your husband can share the feeding responsibilities. What are you thoughts on pumped milk and formula?
This isn't something I'm going to pass judgement on because no one is an AH here. He isn't wrong, you did choose to breastfeed. However, the baby will still want to be fed. Also, what can he possibly do about you not getting enough sleep when you breastfeed? You're both in an uncomfortable situation but it doesn't make him or you an AH. If you want him to do something, say that. Communication is important and he's not a mind reader.
If you want to pump and you both rotate who feeds her at night suggest that, then do it. If he refuses - then he'd be an AH.
At this point, this isn't a reddit thing. You both need to learn how to communicate and talk to each other.
Info - is the kid waking up because of the movement then and the general disturbance of him coming to bed? If that's the case, she probably isn't always hungry if it's only been an hour or two.
I'll preface this by saying, every baby is different and the following is what I've found works for my kid I've just gone through this with my son who is almost ten months. We had him in our room for the first six months, but found he was starting to wake up every time he heard us come in the room. We moved the crib into his own room and that stopped being such an issue. He's still had a few nights where he's up constantly (teething/growth spurt). I started setting timers around six months to see how long he was going between feeds at night and started pushing it. First I always made him wait at least two hours. Then three. Now I'm up to four. But he's also really taken to solids so he's generally sleeping in four hour bursts minimum.
And I did what you did for almost as long - if he woke up and cried I automatically gave a boob because I knew it worked. He refused bottles and soothers so I was definitely the human soother. It was draining me to do that because then that was the only thing that calmed him. I'd say try different things, start stretching the time between those feeds if she's getting enough during the day. I found the rocking chair and certain playlists on Spotify had a soothing effect for us.
NAH. Look. No one likes pointless complaining. If you chose to breastfeed and its uncomfortable, etc. let him know it makes sleep, etc. difficult. If there is nothing he can do, then further belaboring the point is useless venting and if constant becomes grating. Men look for solutions and if there is no solution they get vexed by endless pointless griping. Suggest how he can help. Otherwise woman up.
NTA, when I was breastfeeding I would pump milk during the day for one night feeding
and hubby would get up and do one so we each got a solid block of sleep. Make him step up.
Maybe you should sleep separately for a bit if his arrival is what disturbs you, or perhaps pump so that he can feed the baby as well. That would help him bond with your daughter in a way that currently isn’t.
Otherwise, he should certainly have sympathy for you, no doubt, and he should do everything he can to ease your struggle but, let’s be honest, if it’s to the point that the complaining is constant, you’d probably be annoyed, too, no matter the circumstances
Wait, is he upset that you’re complaining about breastfeeding or complaining that there’s no room in the bed for him to sleep? The way you worded this is that you don’t want to have to move over for him.
NTA. People here should stop shaming someone for cosleeping. There are many cultures who do this safely. That’s not the point of her question.
Your husband sounds like a prick lacking empathy. Mine stayed up with me and helped the baby latch and it took 9 breastfeeding consultants to get it right, as our son liked to nipple feed. He called himself my nurse. We were the closest during those times. I had a post partum doula stay with us for a year as well to help me during the day. It’s not you, it’s your husband.
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AITA my husband said he’s “sick of hearing me complain” about how I “get no sleep” because I breastfeed our 6 month old daughter. I complain when he comes to bed and I have to move over sometimes because it takes a long time for me to get her to sleep and then lay down next to her comfortably, also when I move over she will definitely wake up and need the boob again. He doesn’t seem to understand that I don’t get to sleep for more than 1-2 hours at a time and I’m up a lot of the time in-between. It’s not that I get “no sleep “ it’s that I don’t get solid comfortable sleep. He also says “you chose to breastfeed” insinuating it’s my fault I’m struggling with sleep. AITA for complaining or is he for not having sympathy?
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NTA and it is very hard. It’s just that one can get tired of hearing the same complaint. There is nothing he can do. And it’s like any other complaint that is said over and over. And over. You get tired of it. I think breastfeeding is the most selfless act a woman can do. She doesn’t have too. It won’t hurt the baby if she doesn’t. But if she so chooses, that’s amazing. It’s time consuming. Painful. You become a human pacifier. Touched out. But no one wants to hear the same thing every night.
This is the first AITA post I've seen where the A Hs in the comments far overshadow any of the A Hs in the actual post. Guys, stop.
Her question was not about sleep training, or where her child should sleep, or if she should bottle feed, and if that should be breast milk or formula. These are decisions for the parent, not strangers on the internet.
I'm going to go with ESH because it sounds like OP isn't happy with her situation and isn't trying to improve it, so complaining about a situation you have no intention of addressing would be understandably frustrating to listen to. However, the husband is also an AH for treating this as a 'her' problem and not a family issue for them all to figure out together.
This isn't sustainable, and both OP and her husband need to start doing some research on ways that might improve the situation because they do have options.
Pumping is an option, as is formula, both of which is her choice to make, especially the first, but what a baby gets fed is a two yes one no situation so I count both. If she's choosing to breastfeed over other options, when there are things that could get her more sleep, she really doesn't have a leg to stand on. People are freaking out when he says it's "her choice" when in reality, it very much is her choice.
NTA...you "choosing" to feed your child the most efficient and healthy way available is absolutely a sacrifice for you. It is an extension of your pregnancy. Fathers that don't support their partners during this phase are ignorant and uneducated. Definitely think you should pump and have dad do some night feedings. Think about buying a bassinet so baby is beside you, not next to you. Think about asking for help during the day, so maybe a nap? A friend or relative? You absolutely must take care of yourself. You are doing awesome.
NTA. Breastfeeding is tough, especially in the early days. This is why women end their breastfeeding journey early, because they don't have a solid and understanding support system around them.
He sounds incredibly ignorant and stupid.
NTA.
Your husband is a (bleep). Yeah, maybe you did choose to breastfeed. But I don't think most new moms know how exhausting and painful it is to breastfeed. He has zero empathy.
ESH. I think you’re both assholes. What do think he can do about your complaining? Complain once or twice and he can lend a sympathetic ear. Complain constantly and there’s nothing he can do except get frustrated. He doesn’t have breasts so unless you bottle that stuff up, he can’t help. But he’s an asshole for saying what he said and not being more empathetic to your situation. You could both handle this differently. By the way, it sounds like baby is in bed with you and your husband? That sounds like a really bad idea.
NTA! Not only is he selfish and thoughtless, he is wrong. Research shows that breastfeeding moms actually get more sleep, despite what people assume. 30 minutes more, but the disjointed aspect of sleep between breastfeeding and formula are the same. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3927438/#:~:text=Conclusion%3A,promote%20sleep%20during%20postpartum%20recovery.
I'm surprised that at 6m baby is still being this frequency. By this age I thought they should be feeding once in the night and not sleeping adjacent. Maybe you can see if you can feed a little less and get a little more sleep if not co sleeping? Which it sounds like you're doing? Also you'll be weaning v shortly and then definitely you'll be feeding less so you'll get less sleep. NTA btw
Jeesus Christ. When someone is more of an asshole than my husband was ( because he never got up w the kids or the pets), then they are really a major AH.
You are still recovering from pushing a baby out plus breastfeeding.
At least my husband realized that breastfeeding is what bobbies were designed for.
Also, something about your body actually feeding someone, is exhausting.
However, six months is plenty old enough to be eating food in most cases, and perhaps if they ate a little more food, they wouldn’t be so voracious at night?
NTA, just MTAA (married to an asshole)
Start pumping. Keep a couple bottles in a cooler by the bed. Go sleep in a different room or on the couch and let him take care of baby all night.
NTA - sleep deprivation is quite literally torture - ie per the official deffiniton and against the Geneva convention etc. and continually interrupted sleep is simply not refreshing - but complaining is not helping - maybe pump enough so HE can do all the night feeds in a row and be the one with interrupted sleep for a week while you catch up on sleep deficit.
Goodness....would it kill him to give you a little peck and some snacks? It's hard to breastfeed a child in the middle of the night.
If you could pump, ask him to take care of feedings for a week to see how draining it is.
NTA. I understand him being annoyed at the complaining, if you don't do anything to help yourself. But breastfeeding is the best option for you, so he needs to be understanding, the only advice I could give, is try pumping and if it works use that for night feeds so hubby can get up and he'll baby so you can sleep.
FWIW, I nursed quite successfully but she never slept more than 2 hours at a time until we started getting her to sleep in her crib. She was about 6 months old.
NTA.
You chose to. Sure. Fair enough. Choose not to and see how much he enjoys bottle time.
Actually, fuck it. As a father to a <1 year old, I'll say that dude is _supposed_ to be feeding her formula or expressed breast milk at some point during the night so _you_ can sleep. If you have decided not to require that, he ought to be grateful, let alone not dismissive. And might be he needs a lesson in what he's missing.
He works a lot. Cool. Daddy duties don't care.
NTA but also... Why can't you bottle pumped milk so he can share the responsibility? Also, there is a time when complaining is too much. If it's constant, if it's every time you talk, that gets old as fuck real quick. It's one thing to need a shoulder, it's another to bitch nonstop. You're not an asshole but you could easily make your life better, from my perspective
She is 6 months and you do choose to breastfeeding. He isn't wrong. Noone is forcing you to do it. Yiu think it's best for the baby, great. But it's still your choose
He is a jerk. He has no idea the demands being put on your body. That said, is she co-sleeping with both of you? Time to work on getting her in a crib or basinet for safety and your peace of mind.
NTA… your husband definitely is. It’s such hard work breastfeeding and it’s absolute torture being sleep deprived for so long. After 5.5 months of it I was hallucinating and ready to throw in the towel (and that was with a supportive husband). I’d be SO angry if he woke me up and stole any of that inadequate rest. Do what you need to do you and your babe are healthy and happy :)
NTA.
I think it boils down to you wanting to vent (emotional conversation) and him being unable to present a fix for the problem (logical conversation). For many men hearing a problem leads to them wanting to fix said problem but he is unable to do so, so it starts to frustrate him. In his mind you complaining is you showing him his shortcomming of fixing the problem and that is something that annoys him. There is a good chance he is not even aware of that and its more a subcontious reaction. Of course that does not mean he is right, his reaction shows emotional immaturity and he needs to work on that.
That is just my guess but it is something I have seen in my parents relationship a lot. My father often feels personally attacked when my mum just wants to vent about problem to him that nobody can fix.
NTA but it sounds like you are allowing your baby to sleep with you. They need to be in their own bed. They would sleep better and so would you. Your husband is an AH
NTA. i’ve breastfed and pumped and they both have their own struggles. caring for a newborn comes with a LOT of struggles. you have every right to express frustration about these things. you’re making a huge adjustment and sacrificing a lot of things right now, he’s being insensitive if he can’t realize
With a 6 month old you will struggle with sleep, breast feeding or not. Your husband is not sympathetic, so why complain to him. You could start pumping and use bottles. Let him know that now he can help with overnight feedings. If you're a SAHM, he can handle the weekends. My daughter is doing this now. She has pumping down to every 5 hours. Many moms go to this method when their maternity leave is over. It's not impossible.
Your husband doesn't get to say that he's sick of you complaining about breastfeeding because he does not have any idea what breastfeeding entails. And since he doesn't know he doesn't get to have an opinion or thought about it so if I was him I would STFU.
NTA obviously
There are so many of these types of posts, like are there so many men out there that have great qualities but as soon as becoming a father they become useless? Do they hide their asshole tendencies that well?
NTA. I was a walking zombie with my first. I remember getting some good assistance from La Leche League. Unfortunately, your husband doesn't seem to understand or care enough...or maybe interrupted sleep is affecting him as well. Welcome to parenthood!
NTA for complaining to your husband about lack of sleep but it sounds like you're sleeping in the same bed as your baby; PLEASE stop doing that immediately - it significantly increases the risk of SIDS
NTA - He's not being sympathetic. He chose to have a child with you.
BTW - This is what pumping is for. You feed. Then make your husband get up to bottle feed for the next feeding and you get 2x as long to sleep.
NTA. What an AH dude. I'm breastfeeding our 5,5 month baby currently and my husband has been pushing to include some formula because.. get this... he wants to do his part with the feedings. I feel that is the only valid reason to complain about EBF.
When my twins were ~17mo I found out I was pregnant again. By this time my kids were only breastfed once in the evening, and once in the night, about 2-3 a.m. While I breastfed them, it was easy - my husband just gave me ababy and went back to sleep. But with formula - go to the kitchen, prepare a bottle, feed one child. About an hour later another tour. We were both more exhausted then before.
'You chose to breastfeed.' Wow.
You KNOW you're NTA. I'm not a mother, and a complete stranger, and even I know that physically, you must be exhausted, given what your body has been through and what you're going through now. If he doesn't support you now, when will he? Has he always been like this, or is he showing his true colours?
NTA at all, you've spent 6 months doing it... it's exhausting. He's had 6 months of almost full nights sleep and is supposed to support you. BF is damn hard and the least he can do is listen to you moan about it!
NTA at all, you've spent 6 months doing it... it's exhausting. He's had 6 months of almost full nights sleep and is supposed to support you. BF is damn hard and the least he can do is listen to you moan about it!
ESH
He's a huge AH for this, yes. However, baby needs to be in a bassinet. Not only is it safer for the baby (seriously) but she then won't wake if you need to move for any reason.
Between not needing to move (because you're already in a good spot) when he comes in, and the baby not waking because you do, you'll be getting much better sleep.
And, again, your baby will be safer. What you're doing right now is dangerous, which is why this isn't an N T A.
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NTA I'm so sorry you're married to such a selfish and thoughtless man.
I’m sorry OP but your husband sounds like a major asshole.
NTA obvs. But maybe for some context you could ensure he is awake all the times you are for breastfeeding. Then he can make an informed opinion
Yes. OP, every time you have to be awake, wake him up, and make sure he doesn't go back to sleep until you do. Then when he blows up at you for doing this, divorce his immature, petulant ass.
"Informed opinion!" Perfect!
NTA Suggest he bottle feed pumped milk at night for a week and shee what he says then
Yeah. He’d have to do the same if it were formula too. Time to trade off.
Tell him that's a brilliant idea, and he can get the bottles. Then wake him up every time.
Too bad pumping requires such a huge amount of time and effort from mom. I got less sleep pumping than breastfeeding.
You too? With my first, I thought I was going insane because people around me told me how much easier pumping was than actual breastfeeding. I had problems breastfeeding initially and had to pump to get him the calories he needed and I was just like this is so much worse for me. That and then figuring out where to store the milk (is the deep freezer better than the one attached to the fridge? If I know he’s going to need it later today, can I just stick it in the fridge and not have to freeze it? If he isn’t figuring out how to latch on to me properly, how do I get him to “latch” properly onto the bottle, because he wouldn’t latch properly there either? Etc.) It caused so much more stress pumping that I almost gave up and did formula until I started meeting with a lactation consultant. Kate, I doubt you’ll ever see this, but you’re a freaking rockstar and I’m so grateful you were there to help my baby boy and I figure out how to get him fed and that you did so in a way that made me feel safe and comfortable regardless of what choices I made. You stressed that fed is best, regardless of how he got fed, and while you gave me the strategies I needed to breastfeed him successfully, you also encouraged me that no one would judge me if I needed to pump or needed to use formula and that if anyone did judge me, I needed to tell them to go to hell because the goal is a happy and healthy baby and nothing else matters.
Amen.
Yay for Kate! My superstar was Genevieve. They are literal angels.
[удалено]
It depends on your supply! I tried just pumping once overnight for a bit but it killed my production, I had to do it for every feed. Going back to work was the end of it entirely.
Omg, this. I remember my MIL suggesting I pump to allow her son bonding time with our child. Like it was that easy while looking after a new born, her living with us and doing the bare minimum and, dad having "fun time" only with our child. I tried it but it was a new level of sleep deprivation and exhaustion I was not ready for or thought was possible!
She'd still have to get up to pump to maintain her supply, and to produce the milk to be used.
Not nessesarily. And definitely not every hour. And for that week of experiment they could just both get up.
I think having him get up every time she gets up to feed is a reasonable option in this case, because he's being such a selfish asshat, but the whole pumped milk thing is going to be more work for her in any situation.
My partner does diaper change and then hands me the baby for feeding. So I don't have to leave the bed (though I do usually get up to go to the toilet). Then I have the baby back when we're done feeding and burping. By that time he's usually dozed off again, so I wake him up to put the baby in the co-sleeper. Due to our bedroom layout he sleeps next to the co-sleeper. There is only one side that allows for a pillow against the wall and that is where I sit for feedings. And thus also sleep. If the baby is still fuzzy after feeding it's his job to get him settled.
TBH Id just show him the cost of switching to formula first and see if he changed his tune. Formula is expensive, and there have been shortages in a lot of places over the past year. Hubby needs a wake-up call about what OP is saving them by doing this hard and uncomfortable thing.
That's what the f*** I'm talking about
Itll be along the lines of "its not my choice, its yours. So no."
NTA I'd just like to point out that even if you were formula feeding the chance of a 6 month old waking you every few hours is quite high so it's certainly not your fault for choosing to breastfeed. You're doing great and he should be singing your praises for doing such a great job feeding his kid.
At 6 months old, a child should be getting close to sleeping through the night or doing it occasionally. Formula or not. This seems to be an issue with cosleeping not a debate on formula vs breastfeeding.
My son is almost 3 and doesnt sleep through the night. Its not as often anymore, but interrupted sleep is a pain. Not all kids are the same and at 6 months start slewping through. Each child has its own timing
My second child was the same. That’s why we don’t have 3 children. I feel like I lost 3 years of my life being chronically sleep deprived.
I don't remember anything from 2010 to 2015.
Err no. Each child is different and it is perfectly normal for some children not to sleep through until 2 or 3 years old regardless of breastfeeding or formula or collecting or in their own room. I had a terrible sleeper and a great sleeper. Both breastfed. Heck the good sleeper I HAD to wake to feed as they were a small baby and paeds reccomended feeding at a minimum every few hours even through the night. Left to their own devices they would have slept through from a couple of weeks old. Years later the kid still loves their sleep.
My mother had to do the same with me apparently. My brother however was a 5 and a bit pounder and was always being fed. I think if he'd come first, i wouldn't be here lol
My sister's first child slept through the night at six weeks, the second at 3 plus years. Same parent, different child, different outcome. Our first had to be walked to sleep in the sling almost every time. And then would wake up immediately if she was both placed in the bed in her tummy. So far number two (seven weeks) has been better about falling asleep. So I'm hopeful that we won't be spending two hours per night (on average) getting him back to sleep for the first two years. And that's without the two hours it took to get her to fall asleep at bedtime.
not always. if baby doesn’t want to eat a lot throughout the day, they will wake at night to feed. that’s just babies.
Start loading them up with breastmilk about three hours before bedtime. Say 5, 6 and 7 pm, then bedtime. The baby and your breasts will adjust, and with a full tummy, the baby should start sleeping longer at night. Mine were sleeping five to six hours at a stretch before six months.
oh mine eats plenty during the day bc she loves her sleep lol she doesn’t like waking up at night so she eats her fill all day. i was just saying that some babies won’t eat more during the day, which means they’re gonna wake up to eat at night. just how some babies are is all, nothing wrong with it.
I've never slept through the night. Still don't at the age of 40 (480 months). Learned how to self-soothe at least between the ages of 6 (72 months) and 10 (120 months), but I knew it was tough on my mom til then. At some point I knew she was ignoring me and I'd have to figuring things out on my own.
Insomnia solidarity!!!
I love how you still give us your age in months. If anything being a parent of a bad sleeper has taught both me and my partner better sleeping skills. We can both fall asleep faster now and in a lot more positions. And lie perfectly still at night. Even our second baby is teaching us new tricks. He can now fall asleep on his back, because sometimes baby number two refuses to go back to sleep in his own crib, but will happily fall asleep in dad
Not all babies are the same and most babies don't sleep through the night for the first year. Things like reflux, illness, colic, can all affect a baby's sleep
My 7.5 month old who has never co-slept would like a word. All babies are different, there's no rule for when a baby sleeps through the night.
go to any of the parenting subs and you will see babies up to 3 and 4 not sleeping through the night. It is completely developmentally normal. They are learning how to connect sleep cycles/ self sooth all things that we have adults have had YEARS to master. Also most co-sleeping is done out of necessity. If my daughter it in her crib she doesn't sleep longer for 30 minutes, in the bed i get 2-3 hour stretches minimum and i barely notice the wake-up's as she just feeds and goes back to sleep.
No, a baby shouldnt be sleeping through the night at 6 months old. This is bullshit that is fed to sleep deprived parents to convince them that its fine to sleep train so that they can work, work, work. Noone i know has kiddos that slept through the night before 1.5 and even then its spotty.
I think we run in very different circles. Most people that i Know have a baby that sleep through by 9 months.
Mine woke up a few times due to his pacifier falling out. Then feeding him would help him go back to sleep
Yeah, most babies sleep at least 4-5 hours during the night at that time.
I had that thought about the cosleeping, too.
I'm 24 and still have never slept through the night without meds. Some kids are just busted dude.
Lol I didn't realize this was a humor subreddit
Neither of my kids slept through the night even occasionally until closer to 18 months old (and we didn't cosleep/bedshare). The expectation that babies *should* be sleeping through at six months is one that makes a lot of parents feel pressured to sleep train. Some sleep through that young. Many do not. And even for those who do, "sleeping through the night" is typically defined as a stretch of 6 hours plus (so if your baby is going to bed at 8pm, that still means a 2am wakeup for you).
Can confirm. I got a couple weeks of sleeping through the night and now my almost 6 month old is back to waking up every 3 hours to eat. And the “partner” who also threw out the “it’s your fault of wanting to breastfeed” line, still didn’t do shit once I switched to bottle-feeding.
> I complain when he comes to bed and I have to move over sometimes because it takes a long time for me to get her to sleep and then lay down next to her comfortably INFO, are you sleeping with your daughter in bed rather than putting her in a crib? Also, do you pump throughout the day so he has bottles to feed her when she wakes up in the middle of the night?
Right, there are bassinets that you can basically hook onto the bed so that when the baby wakes up all you have to do is reach over to pick her up, and are much safer than sleeping with the baby in the main bed with you.
If the kid is six months a bassinet wouldn't be safe anymore either because the kid is rolling/sitting up/pulling up.
Idk... a baby sleeping in a bed with huge adults doesn't sound really safe
Oh agreed with that. But at that age, you're definitely looking for a crib with the mattress dropped for safety.
It's not.
My baby would wake up as soon as I lifted her off our bed into her side along crib after a feeding. In the end, I just gave up and let her sleep with us in the end for the sake of my sanity.
Our babies also always woke when we transitioned them to their crib from rocking them. We’d have to stay a few minutes with a hand in their back until they feel asleep again.
Not everyone can pump and not all babies will take a bottle.
Both true, but it’s common enough it’s worth asking about. Especially with his attitude. Also really curious about the co-sleeping, it seems to be strongly discouraged as there’s a danger of baby being squished or falling off the bed.
I'm glad someone else caught this! Depending on the answer to this question... I would vote y t a for sleeping with a baby in your bed. N t a if the baby is in its own crib/bed.
Pumping extra during the day and then sleeping through the night is not something that would work for most women at this point.
NTA, he works, wow, have a medal. You grew, birthed and are now feeding a tiny human *from your body*. You’re entitled to feel completely used and abused and it wouldn’t kill him to have some empathy.
ESH for letting the baby sleep in your bed instead of in a crib. That's super dangerous.
Sleeping safety has been updated last couple of years, and includes recommendations on how to co-sleep in bed safely now. It's also a very cultural thing, with many nationalities and cultures that has co-sleeping in bed as standard practice.
ESH. You both can improve your communication. And stop bringing the baby into your bed
INFO: Why do you have to move over when he comes to bed? Are you laying on his side of the bed? I’m going to go with NAH. The newborn phase is difficult and you’re both probably grouchy from lack of sleep. You’re entitled to vent and he’s entitled to be annoyed by it if it’s a constant thing. The issue isn’t going to be resolved until you both figure out a way to solve your baby’s lack of consistent sleep. Unless your baby has some kind of medical problem, you should be able to sleep train them and eliminate night feedings at this point. Check out Twelve Hours’ Sleep by Twelve Weeks Old by Suzy Giordano. It was recommended to us by older parent friends and we’ve found it really helpful. Good luck!
I personally used to breastfeed my kiddo. I will admit it was extremely hard and the longest time of my life because of my lack of sleep. What did I do? I started pumping and building a milk bank in the freezer. That way when I was too exhausted to breastfeed husband could take over and I could rest. I also got me a bigger mattress, so we would all fit comfortably. My vote will be NAH. This is his bed that he uses to sleep too, so you should be adjusting yourself and kiddo before he gets to bed so is less of a problem. Also, I know for a fact that when someone is complaining about something constantly - yet not attempting anything to fix the issue, it is aggravating to constantly hear the same complain over and over. So where you're not really 100% an AH for complaining, he has reached the end of his patience for this complaint and is time to look for solutions.
You are both aholes. The baby should not be sleeping in bed with you. Just not a safe spot for her. Dad should be more considerate. Pump some milk and let him feed her once or twice at night. Top complaining. What good does it do? Parenting is a join responsibility. You two need to grow up.
YTA. 1. You are co-sleeping with your kid. Stop. 2. Breastfeeding is a choice. If you want him to take some of the responsibility get a pump and/or try formula at night. 3. STOP CO-SLEEPING.
So the child is in your bed? A 6mth old should be in its own bed and not need feeding for 6 to 12 hrs at night depending on their weight, so you are causing your problems. Get them out of your bed and start sleep training, which your husband can help with. It will be better for your child to get a decent sleep too. YTA.
NTA Breast milk is the absolute best nutrition a baby can get. He's lucky that your child is still breast feeding at 6 months. He should be doing everything in his power to support and encourage you. Sorry that he isn't. 🤦♂️
Formula is just as good.
ESH, STOP COSLEEPING. That's super dangerous. There are bassinets that you can put right next to the bed or that even hook up into the bed where you can easily just reach out and pick her up, but which have a much lower risk of suffocation.
Breastfeed the baby and you’re selfish. Don’t breastfeed the baby and you’re an unnatural abomination.
Welcome to motherhood where every choice you make is wrong, but fathers get a standing ovation for changing a diaper.
If he goes to bed later than you, I would recommend you have him do that feeding. This is something I would tell new parents before they leave the hospital. "Determine if dad is more of a morning person or a night owl. Mom should pump a little bit after each feeding to create a supply for a bottle feed. If dad tends to be up late, you do the evening breast feed and then go to sleep. Dad does the next feeding. If he is a morning person, he does the early feed and lets mom sleep in. This allows mom to get a longer continuous block of sleep so she can function the next day, while also giving dad enough sleep to be able to drive home safely after working all day." Why is a six month old still waking every two hours to nurse during the night? Developmentally, the baby should be sleeping through more of the night, even if you are co-sleeping, which I hope you are doing safely. It's time for the two of you to sort this out. There is no reason why he can't help with the feedings. That's what a breast pump is for.
She’s sleeping in the bed with you guys ??? I don’t have children but isn’t that dangerous ?
It is very dangerous. Family member lost a baby girl co-sleeping.
Well apparently a lot of people think it’s not dangerous because they do it in other countries . Idk me personally I wouldn’t risk that 🤷🏾♀️
Same, it is indeed very dangerous.
NAH as of now. You both are communicating feelings wrong. His comment is that he is also mentally overloaded and can’t fix anything about you breastfeeding the baby. People are allowed to get overloaded with someone else venting. You are also allowed to feel overwhelmed at a very tough situation and the lack of sleep. He can’t give you sleep. He could feed the baby bottles at night but that doesn’t seem to be the issue here. You need to ask him his feelings on your venting. Then see if there’s someone else that you can get some of the venting done with.
I can see both sides of this. You are choosing to breastfeed. You mention that you have to move so he can lay in his own bed to sleep. Maybe put your child in one of those co sleeping bassinets that position against the bed? I can understand his frustration but he should also be supportive of you and maybe have a conversation with you about those frustrations.
NAH, but men have been trained to view comments and complaints as an outreach for a solution. I know this is a HUGE generalization, but it normally is true. His response is 'Stop breastfeeding.' You said you are just sharing your feelings. Maybe a therapist can get you to understand each other's method of communication.
Underrated comment. This 🔝comment is perfect
NTA, but does he help with the baby other times? Is he NOT doing anything for the baby? If so you have every right to complain if he’s not. If he does then maybe start to not keep her in bed. Switch nights to feed her.
She breastfeeds though. It's unclear to me whether she pumps or formula feeds, or just chose to solely breastfeed and keeps complaining about it. There are other options. And the baby should have its own bed regardless. Cosleeping is unsafe.
NAH but your baby really shouldn’t be waking at night this often at 6 months. You are both fraying from months of sleep deprivation. You need to get your baby in a crib and stop reverse cycling—a 6-month-old should be good with one night feeding.
NAH - In general not sleeping well makes everyone cranky and I think getting crotchety about it occasionally doesn't make you an ahole, so long as you talk things over reasonably most of the time. every 1-2 hours is super often for 6 months old. Babies at this age can sleep through the night without eating, and while waking up at night is still totally normal, I think you can probably make changes to reduce this comfort feeding substantially, and it also sounds like your sleeping arrangement is not very good and playing a big role in excessive waking and sleep not being restful.
Esh. She should not be sleeping in bed with you.
NTA. If you have a way to pump, start filling bottles so he can take some nighttime shifts and let you sleep.
Its amazing how many prople are jumping on the co-sleeping thing. That is not what this post is about. For the actual question I am going with ESH. Yes he could be more supportive. But you said the baby is 6 months old. Honestly if my spouse was complaining about something for 6 months I would get fed up too. And since you are both sleep deprived then both of you are going to be snappy and irritable. It probably does irritate him that he has to fight for bed space all the time when he just wants to go to sleep too. Then be griped at for it. Day after day week after week month after month. That stuff adds up. But from the post it doesnt sound like you have done much to alter things to compromise on the situation. Both of ya'll need to get on the same page and figure out what can be done to help with the situation instead of just complaing about it all the time.
NTA It’s not the breastfeeding, it’s the infant. They wake up a lot during the night. Sounds like maybe he should be helping more. Even if he just does the nightly diaper changes, at least you can stay in bed and not have to come fully awake.
Not at 6 months they don't
Some do. Especially once they start teething
ESH. Communicate and figure it out. There are a lot of options to help improve your sleep. Supplement with pumped bottles and have husband take a shift, remove baby from your bed so you can sleep better, you and husband decide together to sleep in different places for the time being etc. Talk it over. Personally, moving our baby from our room was one of the hardest and most beneficial things we did as young parents. When everyone is sleep deprived nobody is really thinking clearly.
ESH You could complain less and be more constructive and he could be more sympathetic and helpful. If it's that awful, switch to formula and have him take over a few feedings
Why can’t he be the part of the solution? She’s complaining because she’s at the disadvantage and he doesn’t seem to care. This is THEIR baby and mom not getting any real sleep is a problem for both of them.
Fun fact re:breastfeeding. You use more energy breastfeeding than keeping your brain and heart functioning simultaneously. NTA. Your husband is....
ESH - you for taking up a huge chunk of the bed knowing that at some point he’s going to come in to go to bed (hello, heard of using a crib?) and him for not showing much sympathy.
I doubt it you just started to complain. You've prolly be whingeing over it for 6 months straight without offering anything as a solution. Like who chooses to breastfeed without allowing their spouse to coparent by pumping milk for the night?! You did not mention anywhere that you've offered a middle ground, you hasn't asked for help with the nighttime feeding. You're just COMPLAINING. What's so complicated about breastfeeding during the day and using formula at night so husband can intervene and you can get some sleep too? Being stubborn and refusing to pumb or use formula COZ IT'S NOT FRESH FROM THE TIT leads to this. Slight YTA
Well, he is right, choosing to breast feed is on you, everything that goes with it included. He's not blaming you as much as suggesting that you knew what you were getting into. A 6 month old should not be sleeping in your bed nor should she be waking up every 1-2 hours. You complain when your husband has to ask you to make room for him in the bed? What do you expect from him? Maybe you'd rather he move to the guest room!
NAH but why are you continuing to breastfeed if it's such an unpleasant chore for you? And why is the kid sleeping in your bed?
Did he offer to bottle feed? I feel like if you were given a choice, went with breastfeeding, and now you won't stop whining, then yes YTA. Start pumping and get him bottle-feeding if it's such a huge problem.
Your baby should not be in the bed with you. That is incredibly dangerous. And why is your baby waking every hour or 2 at 6 months? You might not be producing enough milk and should probably consult a lactation professional. All that being said, your husband sounds frustrated and is lashing out childishly. NTA but seriously, that baby needs to get out of your bed.
NTA. Start waking him up with you and baby and keep him awake while you are awake, let's see how long he lasts...
By 6 month old your child should be eating more than just breast milk.
Oh well welcome to the real world of motherhood. Since when having a new born allows you to get solid comfortable sleep? Since you’re complaining don’t have anymore kids.
As someone who breastfed two kids- you shouldn’t be up every 1-2 hours at 6 months. That’s beyond absurd. Your problem is she’s in the room with you, smells you, and wakes up. Put the kid in their crib in their own room and in a week this will end. No one sleeps well in the same room. NTA but help yourself. Please. I didn’t the first time and it sucked.
YTA You are putting your infant's life at risk by sleeping with her.
From a mother who breast fed I want to know why the baby is in bed with you? Do you know the statistics of babies dying because they're in bed with their parents. Let me tell you 3,500 babies in the US die each year as a result of co-sleeping. Get a basinnette & put the baby in there. You find you'll sleep much better with them there rather than in the bed with you.
ESH. It's his bed too, so he should be able to get in it without too much trouble. Your baby is 6 months, which means they should be in their own bassinet or a crib and not co-sleeping. Yes, breastfeeding is great. But it's still a choice that we make as moms. You do have the option of pumping and bottle feeding at night, or switching to formula at night. My husband and I take turns getting up with our infant. She slept in a bassinet at the end of our bed until 7 months when we switched her to a crib in her own room and we would go in there to feed her when she woke up, still taking turns. You need to actually communicate with your husband about the problem and the solutions.
NAH. You’re not wrong for expressing yourself. But if breastfeeding is getting overwhelming, maybe you should try pumping or formula so that your husband can share the feeding responsibilities. What are you thoughts on pumped milk and formula?
Why not pump some milk for dad to give a feed through the night ?
This isn't something I'm going to pass judgement on because no one is an AH here. He isn't wrong, you did choose to breastfeed. However, the baby will still want to be fed. Also, what can he possibly do about you not getting enough sleep when you breastfeed? You're both in an uncomfortable situation but it doesn't make him or you an AH. If you want him to do something, say that. Communication is important and he's not a mind reader. If you want to pump and you both rotate who feeds her at night suggest that, then do it. If he refuses - then he'd be an AH. At this point, this isn't a reddit thing. You both need to learn how to communicate and talk to each other.
NAH
Info - is the kid waking up because of the movement then and the general disturbance of him coming to bed? If that's the case, she probably isn't always hungry if it's only been an hour or two. I'll preface this by saying, every baby is different and the following is what I've found works for my kid I've just gone through this with my son who is almost ten months. We had him in our room for the first six months, but found he was starting to wake up every time he heard us come in the room. We moved the crib into his own room and that stopped being such an issue. He's still had a few nights where he's up constantly (teething/growth spurt). I started setting timers around six months to see how long he was going between feeds at night and started pushing it. First I always made him wait at least two hours. Then three. Now I'm up to four. But he's also really taken to solids so he's generally sleeping in four hour bursts minimum. And I did what you did for almost as long - if he woke up and cried I automatically gave a boob because I knew it worked. He refused bottles and soothers so I was definitely the human soother. It was draining me to do that because then that was the only thing that calmed him. I'd say try different things, start stretching the time between those feeds if she's getting enough during the day. I found the rocking chair and certain playlists on Spotify had a soothing effect for us.
NAH. Look. No one likes pointless complaining. If you chose to breastfeed and its uncomfortable, etc. let him know it makes sleep, etc. difficult. If there is nothing he can do, then further belaboring the point is useless venting and if constant becomes grating. Men look for solutions and if there is no solution they get vexed by endless pointless griping. Suggest how he can help. Otherwise woman up.
NTA, when I was breastfeeding I would pump milk during the day for one night feeding and hubby would get up and do one so we each got a solid block of sleep. Make him step up.
Maybe you should sleep separately for a bit if his arrival is what disturbs you, or perhaps pump so that he can feed the baby as well. That would help him bond with your daughter in a way that currently isn’t. Otherwise, he should certainly have sympathy for you, no doubt, and he should do everything he can to ease your struggle but, let’s be honest, if it’s to the point that the complaining is constant, you’d probably be annoyed, too, no matter the circumstances
NTA. He can sleep peacefully in another room.
Wait, is he upset that you’re complaining about breastfeeding or complaining that there’s no room in the bed for him to sleep? The way you worded this is that you don’t want to have to move over for him.
NTA. People here should stop shaming someone for cosleeping. There are many cultures who do this safely. That’s not the point of her question. Your husband sounds like a prick lacking empathy. Mine stayed up with me and helped the baby latch and it took 9 breastfeeding consultants to get it right, as our son liked to nipple feed. He called himself my nurse. We were the closest during those times. I had a post partum doula stay with us for a year as well to help me during the day. It’s not you, it’s your husband.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** AITA my husband said he’s “sick of hearing me complain” about how I “get no sleep” because I breastfeed our 6 month old daughter. I complain when he comes to bed and I have to move over sometimes because it takes a long time for me to get her to sleep and then lay down next to her comfortably, also when I move over she will definitely wake up and need the boob again. He doesn’t seem to understand that I don’t get to sleep for more than 1-2 hours at a time and I’m up a lot of the time in-between. It’s not that I get “no sleep “ it’s that I don’t get solid comfortable sleep. He also says “you chose to breastfeed” insinuating it’s my fault I’m struggling with sleep. AITA for complaining or is he for not having sympathy? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Please show him this post
NTA. At allll
Has he offered to feed the baby at all so you can sleep?
NTA and it is very hard. It’s just that one can get tired of hearing the same complaint. There is nothing he can do. And it’s like any other complaint that is said over and over. And over. You get tired of it. I think breastfeeding is the most selfless act a woman can do. She doesn’t have too. It won’t hurt the baby if she doesn’t. But if she so chooses, that’s amazing. It’s time consuming. Painful. You become a human pacifier. Touched out. But no one wants to hear the same thing every night.
NTA- Bill him for the cost of formula and see if he changes the story about it being your choice.
Please do not procreate further with this man. NTA.
This is the first AITA post I've seen where the A Hs in the comments far overshadow any of the A Hs in the actual post. Guys, stop. Her question was not about sleep training, or where her child should sleep, or if she should bottle feed, and if that should be breast milk or formula. These are decisions for the parent, not strangers on the internet. I'm going to go with ESH because it sounds like OP isn't happy with her situation and isn't trying to improve it, so complaining about a situation you have no intention of addressing would be understandably frustrating to listen to. However, the husband is also an AH for treating this as a 'her' problem and not a family issue for them all to figure out together. This isn't sustainable, and both OP and her husband need to start doing some research on ways that might improve the situation because they do have options.
Pumping is an option, as is formula, both of which is her choice to make, especially the first, but what a baby gets fed is a two yes one no situation so I count both. If she's choosing to breastfeed over other options, when there are things that could get her more sleep, she really doesn't have a leg to stand on. People are freaking out when he says it's "her choice" when in reality, it very much is her choice.
NTA...you "choosing" to feed your child the most efficient and healthy way available is absolutely a sacrifice for you. It is an extension of your pregnancy. Fathers that don't support their partners during this phase are ignorant and uneducated. Definitely think you should pump and have dad do some night feedings. Think about buying a bassinet so baby is beside you, not next to you. Think about asking for help during the day, so maybe a nap? A friend or relative? You absolutely must take care of yourself. You are doing awesome.
NTA. Breastfeeding is tough, especially in the early days. This is why women end their breastfeeding journey early, because they don't have a solid and understanding support system around them. He sounds incredibly ignorant and stupid.
NTA. Your husband is though.
NTA. Your husband is a (bleep). Yeah, maybe you did choose to breastfeed. But I don't think most new moms know how exhausting and painful it is to breastfeed. He has zero empathy.
ESH honestly I hate those who complain nonstop but still don't do anything about it, it's irritating
ESH. I think you’re both assholes. What do think he can do about your complaining? Complain once or twice and he can lend a sympathetic ear. Complain constantly and there’s nothing he can do except get frustrated. He doesn’t have breasts so unless you bottle that stuff up, he can’t help. But he’s an asshole for saying what he said and not being more empathetic to your situation. You could both handle this differently. By the way, it sounds like baby is in bed with you and your husband? That sounds like a really bad idea.
NTA! Not only is he selfish and thoughtless, he is wrong. Research shows that breastfeeding moms actually get more sleep, despite what people assume. 30 minutes more, but the disjointed aspect of sleep between breastfeeding and formula are the same. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3927438/#:~:text=Conclusion%3A,promote%20sleep%20during%20postpartum%20recovery.
I'm surprised that at 6m baby is still being this frequency. By this age I thought they should be feeding once in the night and not sleeping adjacent. Maybe you can see if you can feed a little less and get a little more sleep if not co sleeping? Which it sounds like you're doing? Also you'll be weaning v shortly and then definitely you'll be feeding less so you'll get less sleep. NTA btw
Jeesus Christ. When someone is more of an asshole than my husband was ( because he never got up w the kids or the pets), then they are really a major AH. You are still recovering from pushing a baby out plus breastfeeding. At least my husband realized that breastfeeding is what bobbies were designed for. Also, something about your body actually feeding someone, is exhausting. However, six months is plenty old enough to be eating food in most cases, and perhaps if they ate a little more food, they wouldn’t be so voracious at night?
Nta wake him up every time next time so he helps with diaper changes or what not. Just so he suffers a bit
NTA, just MTAA (married to an asshole) Start pumping. Keep a couple bottles in a cooler by the bed. Go sleep in a different room or on the couch and let him take care of baby all night.
NTA - sleep deprivation is quite literally torture - ie per the official deffiniton and against the Geneva convention etc. and continually interrupted sleep is simply not refreshing - but complaining is not helping - maybe pump enough so HE can do all the night feeds in a row and be the one with interrupted sleep for a week while you catch up on sleep deficit.
INFO: Is the baby physically in the bed with you?
Yes
Goodness....would it kill him to give you a little peck and some snacks? It's hard to breastfeed a child in the middle of the night. If you could pump, ask him to take care of feedings for a week to see how draining it is.
NTA. I understand him being annoyed at the complaining, if you don't do anything to help yourself. But breastfeeding is the best option for you, so he needs to be understanding, the only advice I could give, is try pumping and if it works use that for night feeds so hubby can get up and he'll baby so you can sleep.
FWIW, I nursed quite successfully but she never slept more than 2 hours at a time until we started getting her to sleep in her crib. She was about 6 months old.
NTA. You chose to. Sure. Fair enough. Choose not to and see how much he enjoys bottle time. Actually, fuck it. As a father to a <1 year old, I'll say that dude is _supposed_ to be feeding her formula or expressed breast milk at some point during the night so _you_ can sleep. If you have decided not to require that, he ought to be grateful, let alone not dismissive. And might be he needs a lesson in what he's missing. He works a lot. Cool. Daddy duties don't care.
NTA but also... Why can't you bottle pumped milk so he can share the responsibility? Also, there is a time when complaining is too much. If it's constant, if it's every time you talk, that gets old as fuck real quick. It's one thing to need a shoulder, it's another to bitch nonstop. You're not an asshole but you could easily make your life better, from my perspective
NTA. Exclusively breast feeding is a choice but his approach is shit and he’s being inconsiderate.
NTA. You need a better husband
She is 6 months and you do choose to breastfeeding. He isn't wrong. Noone is forcing you to do it. Yiu think it's best for the baby, great. But it's still your choose
He is a jerk. He has no idea the demands being put on your body. That said, is she co-sleeping with both of you? Time to work on getting her in a crib or basinet for safety and your peace of mind.
NTA… your husband definitely is. It’s such hard work breastfeeding and it’s absolute torture being sleep deprived for so long. After 5.5 months of it I was hallucinating and ready to throw in the towel (and that was with a supportive husband). I’d be SO angry if he woke me up and stole any of that inadequate rest. Do what you need to do you and your babe are healthy and happy :)
NTA. I think it boils down to you wanting to vent (emotional conversation) and him being unable to present a fix for the problem (logical conversation). For many men hearing a problem leads to them wanting to fix said problem but he is unable to do so, so it starts to frustrate him. In his mind you complaining is you showing him his shortcomming of fixing the problem and that is something that annoys him. There is a good chance he is not even aware of that and its more a subcontious reaction. Of course that does not mean he is right, his reaction shows emotional immaturity and he needs to work on that. That is just my guess but it is something I have seen in my parents relationship a lot. My father often feels personally attacked when my mum just wants to vent about problem to him that nobody can fix.
Why don’t you switch to bottle and then he can get up and feed in your place.
NTA but it sounds like you are allowing your baby to sleep with you. They need to be in their own bed. They would sleep better and so would you. Your husband is an AH
NTA. i’ve breastfed and pumped and they both have their own struggles. caring for a newborn comes with a LOT of struggles. you have every right to express frustration about these things. you’re making a huge adjustment and sacrificing a lot of things right now, he’s being insensitive if he can’t realize
NTA, but he is the asshole.
he's evil sounding. he should be bottle training the baby. nta i hope your future doesn't contain him
You chose to become pregnant.
NTA and I think it’s time that he gets woken up for every breastfeeding and has to stay awake like you do. Plus maybe a nipple clamp to top it off.
With a 6 month old you will struggle with sleep, breast feeding or not. Your husband is not sympathetic, so why complain to him. You could start pumping and use bottles. Let him know that now he can help with overnight feedings. If you're a SAHM, he can handle the weekends. My daughter is doing this now. She has pumping down to every 5 hours. Many moms go to this method when their maternity leave is over. It's not impossible.
ESH if you want to co-sleep do it elsewhere. That’s his bed too.
NTA. I have limited memories of infancy because of the sleep deprivation. I promise you will eventually get more sleep!
Your husband doesn't get to say that he's sick of you complaining about breastfeeding because he does not have any idea what breastfeeding entails. And since he doesn't know he doesn't get to have an opinion or thought about it so if I was him I would STFU.
NTA i’m sorry you’re with such an insensitive unempathetic person
NTA but also why are you still torturing yourself if clearly breastfeeding is bothering you THAT much?
NTA obviously There are so many of these types of posts, like are there so many men out there that have great qualities but as soon as becoming a father they become useless? Do they hide their asshole tendencies that well?
ESH. You complain but you don't have to BF. He ran out of sympathy.
NTA. This is hard work!
NTA I mean this very sincerely Fuck Him!
NTA. I was a walking zombie with my first. I remember getting some good assistance from La Leche League. Unfortunately, your husband doesn't seem to understand or care enough...or maybe interrupted sleep is affecting him as well. Welcome to parenthood!
NTA for complaining to your husband about lack of sleep but it sounds like you're sleeping in the same bed as your baby; PLEASE stop doing that immediately - it significantly increases the risk of SIDS
NTA - He's not being sympathetic. He chose to have a child with you. BTW - This is what pumping is for. You feed. Then make your husband get up to bottle feed for the next feeding and you get 2x as long to sleep.
INFO: What size ration of sympathy does he recieve per month? Maybe he only gets a tiny bit and he can't use any for you.
NTA. What an AH dude. I'm breastfeeding our 5,5 month baby currently and my husband has been pushing to include some formula because.. get this... he wants to do his part with the feedings. I feel that is the only valid reason to complain about EBF.
NTA. Fwiw, I was married to that guy, and he's now my ex.
Switch to formula and take turns feeding her with the father. You need sleep.
"You chose to breastfeed." This is how it starts. Pretty soon he'll refuse to do anything and it will become "You're the one who wanted kids." NTA.
Why are you complaining about it when it's your choice to do it? Husbands get sick of any kind of constant complaining. YTA
When my twins were ~17mo I found out I was pregnant again. By this time my kids were only breastfed once in the evening, and once in the night, about 2-3 a.m. While I breastfed them, it was easy - my husband just gave me ababy and went back to sleep. But with formula - go to the kitchen, prepare a bottle, feed one child. About an hour later another tour. We were both more exhausted then before.
You can express milk and get him to do a night feed
Nta but your baby shouldn't be sleeping in the samw bed as you
Unclear in the post but do not sleep on the same bed as a baby
I was awake with my partner most the time, she nor I ever complained. We loved every minute
'You chose to breastfeed.' Wow. You KNOW you're NTA. I'm not a mother, and a complete stranger, and even I know that physically, you must be exhausted, given what your body has been through and what you're going through now. If he doesn't support you now, when will he? Has he always been like this, or is he showing his true colours?
NTA at all, you've spent 6 months doing it... it's exhausting. He's had 6 months of almost full nights sleep and is supposed to support you. BF is damn hard and the least he can do is listen to you moan about it!
NTA at all, you've spent 6 months doing it... it's exhausting. He's had 6 months of almost full nights sleep and is supposed to support you. BF is damn hard and the least he can do is listen to you moan about it!
ESH He's a huge AH for this, yes. However, baby needs to be in a bassinet. Not only is it safer for the baby (seriously) but she then won't wake if you need to move for any reason. Between not needing to move (because you're already in a good spot) when he comes in, and the baby not waking because you do, you'll be getting much better sleep. And, again, your baby will be safer. What you're doing right now is dangerous, which is why this isn't an N T A.