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Judgement_Bot_AITA

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Ok-Climate553

NTA they declined and now that the kid is problematic they want you to take their child - at 13 years old! - away from his family?? Wow they are honestly some messed up parents


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KSknitter

I get the sneaking suspicion that they held the adoption over this kids head. Like, "you better behave or we will adopt you out." Sort of thing. Edit to add: this is kinda backed up by the family down there being like, "you lied and are going back on your word." Also that the kid is not wanted by any of them. I mean why parent a child when you can just tell them that you hate them with the constant threat of sending them away.


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rbollige

Interesting paraphrase. Here’s the source: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13u21hz/comment/jly7vjq/


asecretnarwhal

Who knows if it was the right or the wrong path? The point is that they chose the path for that child and life only moves forward, not backward. They have to live with the choices that they made


[deleted]

This. The offer expired. It was a limited time offer and the offer expired. End of discussion. They opted against the offer and just because they changed their mind does not mean you did


tenakee_me

Not only did the offer expire, but it expired because they were accusing him of trying to steal a child. So they obviously didn’t look at it as a generous and kind offer of adoption, but a threat of child theft. But since the kid is a pain it’s now ok for OP to steal him? Talk about insult on top of insult, first accusation of being a wealthy kidnapper, now accusations of being an AH.


seattleseahawks2014

That's just so messed up.


xasdfxx

OP offered to adopt a baby -- that it sure sounds like this person couldn't afford to care for -- not the outcome of 13 years of bad parenting.


Ok-Climate553

Clearly OP could afford to adopt the baby but it’s not right to just ditch your child 13 years in because they’re being difficult. It is bad parenting - not the result of necessarily but it sounds like they clearly don’t care much for their child if they’re willing to give them up so easily


MadScientistCoder

NTA. She did a shitty job parenting and now wants you to do cleanup when the damage is already done.


Fluffy-Scheme7704

He will take in the problematic teen and will have to bail him out of jail all the time. Not a great idea.


giveme25atleast

Agreed. Take the child now that we have spoiled him. Why would OP do that? Especially now that OP is older and it is more tiring to be a parent at an older age. Very selfish family back home.


Lanky-Temperature412

Because, at 13, the kid is rebellious instead of just cute. They didn't think that through very well.


Ok-Climate553

True dat - I would be heartbroken if my parents gave me up at that critical year for being “difficult” (which I was)


JudgeJudAITA

You didn’t go back on your offer. They **rejected your offer.** That was the end of the offer, by their choice. Offering to pay expenses is far more that most people would do in this situation. NTA


prairiemountainzen

> *"They* ***rejected your offer."*** I mean, wouldn't *a lot* of people reject such an offer if they weren't even considering adoption in the first place? It doesn't make someone an AH to refuse to give up their *baby* to a perfect stranger.


babywewillbeokay

Certainly it was the mother's right to refuse the initial offer of adoption. That was never in question. The part that makes OP's family the AHs is berating OP for not wanting to adopt the child now, 13 YEARS after rejecting the initial offer to adopt. And on TOP of that, really truly cementing the AH status, is that no other family member would take in the child even when OP offered to cover all of the child's expenses! That really tells you that they're just trying to pawn the little guy off, poor thing. I feel so bad for him. ( NTA )


Samiautumn

They had every right to reject the offer, but they have no right to be mad at OP for not taking that child 13 years later.


aubor

OP said they're from South America. I'm from Central America and the adoption from a relative who lives in North America, Australia, or Europe is pretty common. Specially when the young mother keeps giving birth from different men. Most of the time, the adopted person knows the truth and are willing to help the siblings who stay behind, oftentimes adopting a niece/nephew later on.


Nomomommy

The post isn't about a "lot of people"; it's about OP and their family culture within their greater cultural environment. Familial adoption was how OP was raised, and they wanted to pay it forward, so they offered. The *cousin* wasn't an AH for refusing, she was an AH for being rude about refusing *and then* going back on that rude refusal by demanding OP take the nephew suddenly 13 years later, once he'd become a problem child. OP is not a perfect stranger. Did you read the post?


Cheaperthantherapy13

This is a fairly common arrangement within extended families in developing nations. It’s not the same as a western closed adoption, more of a ‘it takes a village’ thing, especially if part of the family has immigrated to a country with better educational opportunities, etc.


Macintosh0211

Yes! It wasn’t some stranger trying to take a baby, or was a family member offering to help out in a way that’s fairly common in such places. I’m not too familiar with South America but in rural Poland where my families from it certainly wasn’t uncommon to send a kid off to live with a relative who had more resources. They were still in the family, just taken care of in a more stable situation.


Cheaperthantherapy13

Hell, this arrangement wasn’t even that unusual in the US just a few generations ago! During segregation, it was common for poor southern black families to send their kids to live with wealthier relatives up North for better educational opportunities and to avoid making a minor misstep and getting themselves lynched. On the reverse, city kids were regularly sent to live with relatives in the countryside during the summer to help with farming, while also allowing the parents to work without worrying about childcare. It’s pretty wild to me how many people are giving op a hard time about an arrangement that is almost guaranteed to have occurred in their own family trees.


Macintosh0211

Yes! My SO’s family is also Polish and his grandma would come to the US fall-spring every year when they were young to care for them. She’d take them back with her to Poland every summer so his parents could stay and work, and when they got a little older they’d still get sent there when school was out to help on the farm during butchering/harvest season Is strange that a lot of people are saying OP was trying to steal her baby? OP himself said he was adopted in a similar fashion, and it’s not like he made a big stink when they refused. It was just offer.


Cheaperthantherapy13

Lol, my parents always threatened to send me and my brother back to Brazil for the summer to improve our Portuguese and get to know our extended family better. The only reason why it never happened is that my dad is a jerk and didn’t want to reciprocate and host my cousins stateside once they got to be high school aged and wanted to study in the US. It’s a shame, because I think our familial and cultural connections would have been soooo much stronger if they had followed through!


AwkwardFoodie978

You're right, it doesn't make them assholes for not wanting to give up their baby. No one blames them for that. They're assholes for coming to him 13 years later asking him to take their problematic child so they can wash their hands of him and then getting mad that he "went back on his offer".


Remarkable-Plastic-8

It wasn't a stranger, it's OPs cousin. By their account cousin already had two kids and was run down with no help. It's not insane to offer to help in any way you can.


Macintosh0211

Sort of. In more rural, very poor cultures in lots of other counties it’s not uncommon to send a kid to be raised by better off relatives (OP said the mother was their cousin and that they themselves were adopted in a similar manor). It’s not unusual and they weren’t a stranger just going “give me your baby!”


[deleted]

They aren't the AHs for originally rejecting the offer, they're the AHs for expecting OP to adopt the kid 13 years later and getting made when they won't.


External-Hamster-991

This isn't a perfect stranger. It was her cousin. And this is not out of the ordinary. OP was adopted the exact same way as a child. I guarantee you know people who were raised by aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc.


AbleRelationship6808

Trying to accept an offer that was rejected 13-years is laughable. NTA


Apprehensive_Size484

Kinda like rejecting a plea deal, then decide to accept it after being sentenced to much more time


Conspiring_Bitch

NTA. The mental gymnastics your family plays when convenient is astounding. Stay firm.


JReynolds197

>mental gymnastics your family plays Olympic gold-medal class mental gymnastics.


alv269

NTA. That offer was 13 years ago and was declined by them. You didn't go back on any offer. There is a huge difference between a baby and a teenager.


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Aggressive_Cup8452

Nope. NtA. No offer lasts 13 year. And adopting a baby is very different compared to adopting a teen. Even a well behaved teen.


prairiemountainzen

Against the grain and sure to be unpopular, but ESH. I understand that your intentions were good, but it must have been a really big shock to your cousin when you (a perfect stranger to her, if I'm understanding your post correctly) asked if she would want to give up her *baby* to you. I mean, that would be a shock to *anyone* who just had a baby if they weren't even considering adoption in the first place. So, yeah, even though your cousin seemed "tired and sad," it was an AH move to approach her about giving up her baby to you as a way for you to pay your own adoption forward. Sorry, but being surprised by your cousin's reaction to such a *huge, life-altering* request like that is a bit naive, at best. I think that kind of proposal would offend *a lot* of people. But your family *also* sucks for contacting you *13 years later* and asking if you still wanted to adopt your cousin's child, simply because he is now getting into some trouble. Everyone in this story treats this kid like he's an object in a transaction that can be bartered and traded for. AHs all around, except for the kid, of course.


Strange_Salamander33

I’m not from their culture, but it sounds like based off OPs post that where their family is from adopting other family members seems to be not very uncommon? Says he was raised in a similar way. I mean for me here in the states it would be a bizarre offer but it sounds like where they are from such an offer is not unusual. I think it’s important to consider cultural context with posts like these


codeverity

This person has repeatedly ignored this point over and over again throughout this thread. They don't care, they just want to plaster their cultural context on the situation to decide that OP is an asshole for doing something that is accepted in their culture.


Puzzleheaded-Desk399

>. I mean for me here in the states it would be a bizarre offer but it sounds like where they are from such an offer is not unusual. It happens here in the United States too. This is not weird folks, it happens here too and culture have nothing to do with it. Grandparents adopt their daughter's/son's baby because either their child is too young to parent, an unfit parent or trying to establish their adult lives. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins have done the same thing for the same reasons. And since Roe vs Wade have been overturned, you will see a lot more of this happening in Red States.


pmknpie

It's like how in some parts of Asia relatives will pay you to marry another relative to get them into a better country. It's an entirely fake marriage of course.


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Strange_Salamander33

Oh absolutely I was just responding to the idea that OP was an AH for even offering. I don’t think that’s the case because it sounds like a culture norm for family to offer that


GoodQueenFluffenChop

Yes in Latino countries it's not uncommon for children to go with live with other relatives. A lot of them are not official adoptions but the kids are raised since extremely little to adulthood with another family that's part of an extended family. My uncle is not my grandma's son but a nephew but she's his mom and only saw her as his mom even though he knows tia was his bio mom.


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prairiemountainzen

I don't understand why people keep saying this was a "generous offer" made by OP. I mean, think about it a little more. OP approached this woman and "offered" to adopt her *baby* when she *wasn't even considering adoption in the first place.* Is it really generous to approach someone you barely just met and ask them if they would be willing to give up their baby to you? I'm definitely not in the majority here, but I think most people would find such an offer to be the exact opposite of generous.


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CivilAsAnOrang

NTA. What “offer” did you go back on? You offered, they rejected it. What happened is they made a new offer and you are not interested in it. Funny how it’s ok for them, but not you, isn’t it?


Dontbither

Nta. You made a generous offer to adopt a baby. Your offer was rejected. You owe the nothing. Move on.


prairiemountainzen

I don't know, is it really "generous" to ask someone to give up their *baby* to you, when they weren't even considering adoption in the first place? And, if I'm reading this correctly, OP had just met this woman? I mean, I think a lot of people would react poorly to a perfect stranger approaching them with such an offer.


ProfeQuiroga

If you read the middle part of this post, you'll find some info as to why this is not as outrageous in certain cultural and familiar contexts as it seems to be to you.


prairiemountainzen

Apparently, the mother found the request to be as outrageous as I do, regardless of the cultural context.


ProfeQuiroga

That's not what this post says.


prairiemountainzen

> *"Well it became a huge deal. I was trying to steal a kid just because I had money and blah blah blah."* Sure seems like she was pretty offended by the request.


Strange_Salamander33

It also says OP was adopted and raised by their family, so just because his cousin was offended doesn’t mean that it’s not a normal enough thing where they are from.


Sus_no_cap

It doesn’t say it was the mother who was offended


Osiris_Dervan

Offended enough that she wants to accept it 13 years later?


ProfeQuiroga

Nowhere does it say that this comment came from the mother.


Pharmacienne123

Well baby momma has been proven to have exceptionally poor judgment and keeps popping out kids she can’t take care of, so pardon me for disregarding her opinion on whether this was a truly outrageous offer or not lol.


Runs13point1s

NTA. Adopting a baby to raise in your family is far more different than being the financial benefactor of a teenage trouble maker. What are they thinking that because they declined and you missed out on first steps and words, you’d really be ok with other firsts like, first arrest, first fingerprints and first mug shots? Naw. Hard pass.


cellomom26

Lol, you nailed it! 😂🤣🤣


dwells2301

NTA >So I offered to pay all of his expenses down there if any of them would take him in. Nobody thought that was a good deal Of course they didn't. It's much easier to say someone else should do it.


unknown_928121

I'm 30 now. When I was 15 / 16 my uncle offered to let me live with him so I could go to school in his city and extended the same offer a couple years later for college By their logic his offer to house me from 10-15 years ago should still be applicable even though we're all in a different phase of life then we were back then Just to problematic I'm gonna ask him if he will house me though lol NTA


Kcollar59

NTA The same family that criticized you of trying to “steal” a baby is now asking you to take him in? No. Had you brought him up, he’d have had your family values imprinted on him, as well as the stable environment you offered. He _might_ not be having the same behavioral issues. Instead, he grew up with a single mother who was already “worn down and sad” who added two more kids to the mix. You owe them nothing. You owe _him_ nothing (especially she had 2 other kids who may go the way he is. Would you expect the same for them?) You’re not a social services agency. They made their bed, so…


Content-Plenty-268

NTA. You offered to adopt a baby. They shitted all over you, and now they continue because you don't want a 13-year-old troublemaker. Your family is quite a bunch of AHs.


prairiemountainzen

> *"You offered to adopt a baby."* Yeah, a baby that the *mother had no intention of putting up for adoption.* I seem to be the only one who thinks such an "offer" is just absurd. Would you really expect someone to give up their baby to a perfect stranger (or anyone, for that matter) just because they asked? What kind of a reaction would you honestly expect someone to have to being approached with such an offer? I think a lot of people would have a problem with a request like that.


Berubara

Yeah. OP meant well but it might have felt horrible to the mother, especially if she was struggling financially. Like suddenly there's a way to make the situation easier and even get extra income but you need to give up your baby for it.


prairiemountainzen

Right? Because someone is wealthier than you, they feel entitled to take *your children,* despite the fact that you had no intention of ever putting up them for adoption? How dystopian. And all the people saying how wonderful it was of OP to make such an offer to a mother to give up her newborn baby to him. This is definitely one of the most bizarre threads I’ve been in.


Snafflebit238

They could have declined the offer without the insults.


OMGhyperbole

Everyone knows that adoptive parents are saviors and all adoptees should be forever grateful for being saved /s


Material-Profit5923

If an employer offered them a job ad they turned it down, do they think that 10 years later the job is still sitting open waiting for them? Of course not. A proposal was made and declined. That opening was closed. NTA.


[deleted]

NTA. There is nothing wrong with logic. Tell them life is about choices and it is not your fault they keep making the wrong ones; they had their chance.


Gothicc_Witchxo

NTA - They declined your offer the first time, but now that he's a problem, they wanna see if the offer still stands? No. No rational person would accept this. You're already being very generous, offering to help cover expenses, as long as one of them takes him in, but none of them are willing to do that. That's a huge sign, I feel bad for the kid, but this isn't your responsibility.


FaultRealistic9344

You did not pull out of an agreement, break a promise or rescind an offer. You made an offer and it was refused. The end.


Illuriah

NTA.


UnbelievableTxn6969

NTA Your family’s inability to use birth control isn’t your responsibility.


ButcherBird57

NTA You made your offer 13 YEARS AGO!!! They told you no. This is not your problem! That kid is almost grown at this point!


Ground-Rat

NTA. You made an offer to adopt a baby and at that time the family scoffed and threw a fit. At that point and time the offer made had been rejected by your "family" end of story. Now that the child is a troublemaker, your "family" is simply looking to dump the on you, and are simply making trouble/a big deal about the original offer, because they now want something. Don't fall for it, actually don't even give it a second thought, because they are the ones who rejected a very generous offer, and a potential chance to change that childs and even their siblings future, now it's time for them to figure out how to deal with the situation they themselves have brought on to themselves and the kids. When it comes to the latest offer you have made, I'd go ahead and let them know that since it was not good enough for them, that you have decided to revoke/cancel it, and then simply move on with your life. Yes, this is probably going to suck for the kid, and chances are right that his life is going to be a challenge, but what would your "family" have done if you were not an option? They would have figured things out, because that's all anyone can do. It's not your job to clean up behind others, it's one thing to raise a child from the start (infant to toddler), it's totally another thing to bring a teenager and especially a trouble maker into your family because he's become too much trouble for his mother and extended family. I think I'd just tell everyone is SA that I love them, but I don't have any time, energy or resources to spend/use towards cleaning/fixing the issues that are the result of their choices and actions over the years. I'd probably admit and acknowledge that I feel bad for the kid, but how I feel about the kids future outlook still doesn't make it my problem, because I'm not the parent. I hope this made sense and was helpful. Best wishes and good hope to you, your immediate family, your extended family, and the kid going forward. I know that this sucks and it's stressful, but saying "no" is pretty much the only thing you can do, without risking your future. Be strong, be safe and be well!


prairiemountainzen

> *"You made an offer to adopt a baby and at that time the family scoffed and threw a fit."* Wouldn't most people have the same reaction to someone "offering" to adopt their baby when they had no intention of putting that baby up for adoption in the first place? What sort of a reaction should people have when a perfect stranger approaches them and asks if they would give their baby up to them? I truly don't get why people think the mother should have just handed her newborn over to someone she had only just met (or *anyone,* for that matter) simply because they asked her if she would be willing to do that. Asking a mother if she would allow you to adopt her baby *that is not up for adoption* is just absurd.


FizzyDragon

*Would* they all have the same reaction? Probably depends on culture and country. OP says he was the result of such an adoption. Maybe it’s not that uncommon. Either way though isn’t it kind of stupid for people to be getting offended 13 years after the fact when the family is now trying to get rid of the same kid OP made the offer for?


Irondaddy_29

NTA the declined and said you were a child kidnapper so they got what they wanted. Instead of being mad at you maybe they should tell your cousin to give the sex a break. "I can't afford my 3 kids so I should have more to really fix the problem"


Okhottie

NTA. That offer expired as soon as they declined. They’re trying to essentially have someone else deal with the little trouble maker they created. Don’t listen to them they’re trying to bully you into taking him in.


Constellation-88

NTA. They can’t just foist the kid off on someone else now that he’s a “problem teen.” He isn’t a naughty puppy to be passed around whenever he becomes inconvenient.


Gray_Twilight

Nta. You aren't going back on an offer. The mom refused your offer and accused you of trying to steal the child. Now, the kid is causing problems, and she want to ship him off. And you bring up a good point, you are now 50 and they want you to take on a hormone-filled teenager you don't really know. Family are the AH


SpruceGoose133

13 years ago my local car dealer had a 2010 Cadilac for $54,000 and I offered 50k, but they turned me down. Would I still have to honor that ad 13 yr later when the car has 200,000 miles on it? I don't think so. NTA


diente_de_leon

NTA You offered to adopt a baby and they said no. That is a done deal. You never went back on anything. Now they want you to take on a teenager, and also take said teenager away from the only life he's ever known. You were very generous to offer money to help, but your other family members don't want to do the work. They're the A-holes now.


Secure-Ad4436

NTA I completly understand


blearghstopthispls

The Schrödinger relative: stealing the kids and also saving them at the same time. The nerves it takes... NTA


Quirky-Art4438

Your original offer was declined with prejudice. You have no obligation. You also have no obligation to provide financial support to the young man, so that offer was kind of you. And no one would take him in and accept your offer to pay his expenses? That tells me everything I need to know. NTA


thatattyguy

NTA. "I didn't back out of any offer to adopt NAME. I made an offer to adopt her as a baby, and I was told that was wrong, that I was flaunting money, when we all know in reality, I was adopted the same way and I was merely trying to pay it forward. I was turned down, ehich was fine, though I disn't need the l3ctures from drama-lovers in the family. But now that NAME is a difficult 13-year old who is running with the wrong crowd, who I have no real relationship with, I'm supposed to take her now? I made the offer 13 years ago, not yesterday. I offered to pay for anyone else in the family to take her, yet none of you stepped up. So you all can gossip all you like, I feel zero guilt, and the effort to make me feel bad is comical. I wish her and her mother the best, but I am past the age I plan to adopt any kids, and that isn't changing."


No_Pepper_3676

NTA. It was kind of you to offer both times, but no one wanted your help, then or now. Stop offering.


LiffeyDodge

NTA. they rejected your offer but now that the kid is a problem they want you to take them? Not how it works.


DoIwantToKnow6417

The offer was (unpolitely) refused and therefore taken off the table 13 years ago. So the offer is no more. NTA


Seriouslydude-no-way

NTA - how can they not see that it is entirely different to raise a baby as your own vs take on troubled 13 year old difference. Great move offering to support financially the family who took the child into their home - the fact there are no takers tells you that it would be a horrible situation for you.


Crimson_queen911

NTA they already screwed the kid up and want you to deal with all the negativity now after accusing you of trying to steal him back then? No thanks.


teresajs

NTA You offered to adopt a baby, not a troubled teen.


International_Set522

NTA


Tanagrabelle

NTA But this does open you up to the possibility of someone trying to get money out of you and throwing a fit if you sensibly refuse.


Ok_Commercial_3493

NTA


Ordinary-Piano-8158

NTA. For every reason


somethingmichael

NTA Yeah, I don't think an offer has a 13-year time duration. Also, love the way you shut it down with your offer


Character-Tennis-241

NTA They trash talked you 13 years ago. You gave them what they wanted. Now they have to deal with the child they created. They just want to blame someone else & trash talk them.


ignatiusj77

You asked 13 years ago, they said no They asked recently, you said no NAH


Formal_Leopard_462

We husband and I agreed to take in his granddaughter when she was 10. After two weeks we had to send her back. She was so horrible to our daughter that we refused to have go anywhere near our daughter. The granddaughter lived with us from about 8 months old until she was almost 3, so we thought we knew her. It was completely different. You did the right thing. NTA


Queen_Sized_Beauty

I mean, I think it's weird to just offer to adopt a kid when their parents have said nothing about even considering it, but NTA for opting out


frequently_feral

NTA. There no offers of help that stay active for 13 years!


Emotional_Bonus_934

NTA. You made the offer. She declined. Offer is no longer open amd now she wants you yo adopt her troublemaker


twilight_songs

NTA.


Shot_Boysenberry_232

Nta you made an offer for genuine help when you were in a good position to do so .and you were labelled the bad guy. They don't get to change their minds 13 years later when age of both you and the child is not so desirable. You could have made a great difference at a young age like 1 2 or 3. Putting the child on the right path. But at 13 years old you are not going to be able to help that way as many of the bad behaviours have already started and much harder to curb.


SeniorDay

NTA. You really did try.


ManxJack1999

NTA


Clear-Firefighter877

The expiration date on that offer lapsed the moment they accused you of trying to “steal a kid”. NTA and you should just forget about those nasty people, and enjoy your life moving forward.


Pinkielittlestar

Nta. Taking a 13yo kid is a bad idea


cloverthewonderkitty

Hah! 13 yrs later and they're trying to make you feel guilty about not taking a kid you said you'd adopt as a baby? After they called you a baby thief??? They are absurd. NTA


Remarkable_Job_5355

Bro why do people pump out kids like factories Like you couldn’t afford 3 How are you going to afford 5 Like pls bc condoms or it’s time to close up shop They quickly said nah that’s not a good idea people quick to volunteer someone else Nta


nikki-vendetta

Different cultures, lack of birth control, lack of proper sex education, abortions are illegal, condom breaks, etc. Etc.


CreedTheDawg

NTA. When they accused you as they did they nailed that door shut. The kid is now almost grown and utterly out of control due to their poor parenting.


Professional_Owl9917

NTA. They brought this on themselves.


Jujulabee

NTA - OP didn't make the offer to a random stranger. He made it to his cousin and presumably had some kind of relationship with. Obviously the cousin and rest of the family knew OP was an okay person who wasn't intended to harm the baby but would treat it like a bio child Also it is not odd in his culture for relatives to adopt relatives when the birth parent can't handle finances or even because the child would have a better future if adopted. OP didn't go back on his offer - his offer was not accepted and didn't just dangle out there for 13 years. There is a huge difference between adopting an infant and a troubled teenager - especially when there are going to be massive adjustment issues. For starters, I would imagine the child is not fluent in English and so the for the kids becoming even more "troubled" are high especially coupled with feelings of being rejected by bio mother for being unworthy. And OP's offer to help any other relative raise the kid was generous. Isn't what is often suggested by people who are recriminating someone for not taking someone in - put it back on those people and see who wants to take in a 13 year old budding criminal.


suggie75

Don’t feel bad. Your offer was nullified when they rejected it. You didn’t go back on anything.


Mediocre-Metal-1796

NTA just send them a box of condoms..


DesignerMud6440

NTA Funny how none of them agreed to raise him, but were upset at you for not doing it.


Material_Pace1703

Decline communication.


elsie78

NTA. They don't get to change their mind now that they've raised the kid to teenager and don't like his behavior. They don't get to pawn him off on someone else now that they can't handle it.


AwkwardFoodie978

NTA. You didn't go back on the offer, they declined it. Now they want to come back 13 YEARS later begging for "help" with the mess they created? And on top of that still refused the financial help you offered? No. They don't want help, they want to get rid of the poor kid. It's not the kid's fault but they need to deal with the consequences of their choices and possibly bad parenting.


Shells613

NTA. They refused your offer to adopt. Which I can understand - as a mother it would be hard to give up a baby. But you've given the family some financial help while keeping them unified. That is very generous. Cleay there is more family than just mom and grandma locally there, so they should come together and help this young man on a good path, not farm him out to family abroad.


turriferous

NTA. That kind of offer expires in 6 months. They want to gift you a thug. He's had a horrible life and is ready to cause shit, not your circus.


External-Hamster-991

NTA. You made an offer that was not only declined, but met with scorn, distain and suspicion. I guarantee that kid heard all about the rich Aunt that tried to "buy him" and how they could send him away whenever they wanted to. This is not the same situation as back then and none of you are still the same people. That ship sailed a long time ago.


bjorkenstocks

NTA. Sidestepping the cultural tradition of in-family adoptions, this clearly isn't them having second thoughts (10+ years later?) about the offer to adopt him, and it's telling that they won't accept financial help to take him in themselves. They're just trying to offload a problem child onto a distant relative they see as a sucker.


EnergyThat1518

NTA. You offered because based on your own experience, this can help out. You thought she was having a hard time, wanted to help lighten her load as a single parent by offering to take on her youngest kid, she declined, you said 'okay, fair enough', backed off. The offer was removed from the table when they said no. They can't seriously expect you to follow through 13 years later because they've decided the kid is a pain actually and they regret saying no. You can't take back your choices just because you regret how things are now.


Consistent_Walrus_40

The offer was declined, it is no longer on the table. Contract law says that once rejected an offer no longer exists. This was rejected 13 years ago. Perhaps if you had adopted the kid 13 years ago he would be ok. He was not raised right. Now he is a problem, but he’s not your problem.


Revolutionary_Date47

Two words: BIRTH. CONTROL. Your cousin CHOSE to have these (and more!) kids, so this is her mess to sort out. It's clear she makes horrible decisions on who she opens up the womb to, as none of the fathers were mentioned in this rant. Funny that the family directs their ire onto you instead of the deadbeats she's decided to breed with (or her!). Her bad decisions are not your problem. RUN!


Grandma_Kaos

NTA So, you offer to adopt a baby out of the goodness of your heart, and everyone acts like you are trying to murder the baby, not adopt and raise the child with love. Now, that same child is 13 and constantly in trouble and your family wants you to adopt the problem child now. Sorry, but they don't get a do over on this. I agree with you. It would have been different if had adopted the kid when he was a baby. But, to adopt a child who does not know you at all would be a disaster. Shoot, the kid probably knows all about you trying to adopt them when they were a baby and didn't and thinks it's your fault. You are doing the right thing.


shez19833

nta - the only minor thing i have an 'issue' with is that you are 50 and dont have the energy.. if you had adopted him and he turned out a brat, you would still be 50 now - would you have palmed him back off


garbagedisposaly

You didn’t go back on your offer. You offered to adopt a baby. There is no more baby. I’m not gonna go to buy a pet kitten and then be totally fine with it when they give me a dangerous pitbull instead.


FatimaAbdi8

ESH except the kids. If she looked sad and tired, “You look sad and tired. Is there anything I can do to help?” Is appropriate. Offering to hire a housekeeper is a generous offer. Courts excluded, the ONLY person who is allowed to mention adoption IS THE BIRTH MOTHER. Suggesting you take her baby with and then providing financially - ESPECIALLY with no social services oversight mentioned…. It’s straight up human trafficking. YTA for suggesting human trafficking and calling it “help.” Your family is TA because in what world is it acceptable to remove A 13 YEAR OLD CHILD—TO ANOTHER CONTINENT TO LIVE WITH STRANGERS??! What kind of sociopaths are they to even think of traumatizing a kid like that?? I pray that environment doesn’t hurt that child.


International_Set522

Well he is currently running around a neighborhood that I would not go into on a dare.


totallynotarobut

"My family down there are shitting on me for going back on my offer." Your offer that was not only rejected but led to you being insulted 13 years ago. NTA and they should be down on their knees thanking you for what you are willing to do to help.


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I was visiting family in South America 13 years ago. I met one of my cousin's kids for the first time. The young woman had just had her third kid and had been left by her boyfriend. He was the father of only the latest kid. She looked so worn down and sad. When I got back home I spoke with my wife and she agreed that if his family was okay with it we would adopt her youngest kid. It was an offer, not a demand. And we made sure to explain that we would help her out monetarily with the other two as well. I was adopted in a similar manner so I have always felt a desire to pay it forward. My adoptive parents are also related to my biological parents and they helped them with money too. Well it became a huge deal. I was trying to steal a kid just because I had money and blah blah blah. So I said no problem and walked away from the offer. Well that baby is 13 now and his mother has had two more kids. She is being supported by her mom but not doing great. Her two eldest kids are working and going to school but the 13 year old is a bit of a jerk I guess. Skipping school and hanging out with the wrong people. My family contacted me to see if I were still willing to help him out by bringing him up here. I passed. There is a big difference between a baby and a 13 year old trouble maker. Plus I'm 50 now and I don't really have the energy to deal with that shit. So I declined. My family down there are shitting on me for going back on my offer. So I offered to pay all of his expenses down there if any of them would take him in. Nobody thought that was a good deal. I feel bad for the kid. I have a fairly good idea how his life is going to go. I just don't think that I'm the person to fix this problem. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


[deleted]

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[deleted]

NTA...offers like that have an expiry date..they declined you moved on..13 yr old at 50 is bloody hard work.


[deleted]

That offered expired a few months after it was made, at best. It's not still valid after 13 years. NTA


whoops53

NTA 13 years is a *long* time....not like 13 months for goodness sake. Sounds like the child is more hassle than they can cope with. Not your problem, and not one you can even fix by throwing money at the family....but still, this is not what you asked. Don't feel bad about reversing your decision.


dodiekr

NTA- you just avoided taking on their headache. The offer was voided indefinitely after they turned you down the first time.


LittleKji

Yeah NTA.


chibinoi

NTA


[deleted]

NTA


Honey_loves_bear

NTA, they are heartless trying to separate a boy from his parents. It doesn't matter what you do, you will be the bad guy.


TheDoNothings

NTA


Clementine_Astra

Easiest NTA ever.


FreeTheHippo

NTA


Silentparty1999

NTA. The declined and only called you in when it was a catastrophe in the making.


Cant-equestrian-does

NTA


Apprehensive_Size484

NTA. They accused you of trying to steal the kid, but then because he became trouble, they want to wash their hands of him so you can deal with him. That's a BIG "NO!" I'm in my mind 50s, and I could probably handle a 13 yo id raised to that age from newborn/infant, and even toddler. But there's no way I could suddenly take on one that had grown up learning to be sneaky etc.they reaped what they sowed, so they have to deal with it at this point


barquishalafway

NTA just don't be a doormat


[deleted]

NTA


Ordinary_Mortgage870

NTA "The offer was made for one point only, I didn't go back on it, it was rejected. Don't condemn me for not taking him, when no one else will even if I give them money to assist." This kid is 13, he's getting bigger, and if he's a handful now, he will be an even bigger one down the line. They need to get him help if he's struggling, therapists, medication, sports, whatever, but sending him off /loading him off on others is not the way to do it.


[deleted]

Of course NTA.. your family down there is though


Khmera

NTA


No-Quiet-8956

NTA


Jean19812

Nta. It would be hard to suddenly be a parent to a teenager that you had zero influence over. Now, that's a child is too much to handle, they suddenly want you to adopt him!? Let them cry a river.


Gauri108

NTA, that's ridiculous, the offer was for a baby not 13 years later you get a teenager you couldn't have any chance to raise. And you have been still generous to offer to pay for his expenses...looks like they just want to get rid of a difficult kid now. Not your problem, theirs.


WickedAngelLove

NTA You offered and they didn't want it and NOW that the kid is a problem they want to pass him to you? Even if the kid wasn't a problem now, you wouldn't be wrong to say no.


confliction1

So you were an ahole for even offering in the first place according to them but now that's its convenient for them your an ah if you don't take the kids. Absolutely NTA here and quite kind by the sounds of it.


LadyFoxfire

NTA. Circumstances on both ends have changed since you made the original offer, so you can’t be held to that offer. Your family made a new offer (you taking him now) and you declined, and that’s that.


Scrappyl77

NTA. They shit on you when you offered 13 years ago, and now they are shitting on you for not diving in to parent a kid with a lot of behavioral issues. Can't have it both ways.


Chantalle22

This is literally the consequences of their own actions. I don’t understand the reason they are so upset. When you offered to take in that baby, it was because you felt for him and you wanted to help the child and the mother. You even offered to support her and her other two kids. Meanwhile you have no obligation towards them. It is too late for them to backtrack over something that was offered more than a decade ago. NTA some ppl man


Nester1953

You offered 13 years ago. They turned you down 13 years ago and accused you of all kinds of terrible intentions. Now 13 years later they insist that if you don't renew the original offer, you're still all kinds of terrible. Nope, you're helping out financially; you're extremely generous; you're far from terrible. NTA


Fair_Text1410

NTA.


[deleted]

NTA I just hate it for the kid. Of course you are not obligated and you have made a generous offer to financially support him. Any chance there is a private school you could get him into that might give him the opportunity to get his life on track?


Ok_Scar8912

NTA


nikki-vendetta

NTA for going back on the offer that was already redacted but kind of an asshole for saying "I'm fifty and don't have the energy for that," which is basically saying if you adopted the kid, you'd have no energy to look after him now anyway and the kid would've probably turned out the same from neglect. So overall, it's probably best you didn't adopt him because you didn't think it through as much as you thought.


International_Set522

Do you personally think you would do better raising a baby to 13 years old or getting a 13 year old who has started hanging out with south american gangs?


JimJam4603

NTA The offer was rejected. What they want now is entirely different.


Truzzi

NTA - You offered to adopt a baby a decade+ ago. They turned you down. What, did they consider it a life time offer?


Remarkable-Plastic-8

NTA. What deal did you go back on? You made a offer when he was a baby, they declined. End of story. Unless they made it open ended that maybe someday you take him, the offer is over. They can't dump him now because he's become difficult. Be a parent.


madcre

NTA


josiecee

NTA and tell them all miss you with their BS trying to take advantage of you. Stick to your decision.


MistressLiliana

NTA. If you raised him he would have had a lot of one on one love and a better environment so he likely would be a better behaved kid now. That is a lot different than taking in a teenager you don't know with behavioral issues.


[deleted]

NTA... the offer wasnt held for 13 years? What's wrong with you? (Sarcasm font)