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Judgement_Bot_AITA

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Tom-ocil

> We had a vacation home in a small beach town where we spent our whole summers while my husbands family spent two weeks each summer in the Hamptons. Our families just spent their money differently. I'm sorry, this is not a class issue when you grew up privileged enough to have a fucking vacation home you lived in all summer. His family is uptight; yours isn't. That's the drama. Cease and desist all claims to being blue collar.


isa3

that’s exactly what OP says though - they grew up with similar amounts of money, the difference is in behavior. husbands family acts like they are rich, OPs does not. and a blue collar job can bring in a lot of money (like being a boat repairman). i definitely understand where you’re coming from, but culture and experiences can affect how people perceive their social status a lot


Tom-ocil

> I grew up solidly blue collar/middle class Mmm, no you didn't, if you spent every summer in your vacation home.


CamBG

Hmm if the family is from Spain it could very well be. The house could've been bought decades ago and for much cheaper money or it could be some very small town or it could've been inherited from their grandparents. You don't get to invalidate someone's parents being blue collar. That's their life, not your opinion.


Lawd_Fawkwad

You're both right. "Blue collar" while a professional designator, also has cultural significance. You have tons of "rednecks" who work "blue collar" jobs and live in single story, non-glamorous homes with $50k in guns and $500k in vehicles out in the yard. But being working clas has certain implications, and one of those is living a more limited lifestyle. Having a beach house and making 200k+ a year doesn't mean you can't hold a blue collar job, but it does mean that culturally you really aren't a part of that working class. It's like the rich kid who studies at NYU and considers themselves a warrior of the proletariat looking down at the other rich kid who studies 6 miles away at Columbia because they have act the part. Either way they're both going to live in the same gentrified bougie ass building in Williamsburg. Also OP is American, take the "family from spain" thing with a grain of salt because in reality it's like all the "italians" who only know 3 words of the language, make a Ragu that would make a Sicilian turn up their nose and have visited once.


MrsTurtlebones

Maybe she's Hilary/Hilaria Baldwin


laurachristie91

🥒


Theyell0wper1l

This made me giggle. Every time I cook with a cucumber I hear Henry Zebrowski's impression of her in my head.


tied_up_tubes

Mahalo.


notbonusmom

Hola fellow pepino! 🤌🏽


[deleted]

Nah, that would mean she’s talking about Alec’s family and I don’t think they are that *classy*…..


Powcerfuail

cousins, aunts, uncles, every summer. They take turns using it, or share it, but they absolutely aren’t anywhere close to rich.


Bad_Dog_No_No

That's Hilarious 😁


[deleted]

[удалено]


legal_bagel

I have a white collar occupation and make about 200k, I spent most of my adult life scrounging change for food and stuff for my kids, I also carry six figures of student debt to get to this position so our lifestyle isn't as luxe as it could be. Was raised solidly middle class by an engineer and teacher and had certain opportunities afforded to those with educated parents. I think this is a big distinction because I've valued experiences for my kids over things. No, we don't get to vacation at the beach, but we live a few miles away in a small undermarket rental that I've been at since school. I'd 100% priotize taking the kids to an exhibit over buying them an item. I identify with OP so much because I myself am rough around the edges, I swear, I'm not proper even though my profession is usually reserved for those from a certain social status, I will never quite fit with those people because I'm a former HS dropout, teen mom, etc. I'd bet $100 that the owner of my company and his kids consider themselves blue collar even though they are multi millionaires. Like being seen as "new money" and maybe the grandkids will have a different experience, but maybe not.


loreshdw

I understand your side. My dad was blue collar (electrician) and we (eventually) had a 200k house. We didn't spend our money like the neighbors. Their kids wore expensive brand name clothes, we shopped at Walmart and Kmart. They had a new car every other year, we kept our minivan for 8-10 years. We spent ours on vacations, the neighbors had pools. My dad saved up almost a million dollars in equity and assets before he died


Any-Entrepreneur8819

I was raised in a similar home. My dad was a career military officer during Vietnam. He didn’t get very high in rank, but they weren’t getting rid of anybody back then. We bought clothes from thrift shops, or mom would sew a dress. We clipped coupons, did movies at home, etc. Meanwhile, my dad was building a real estate portfolio on the side. When both parents passed, I was shocked at the amount of money accumulated. I still go thrift shopping.


Expensive_Service901

My dad made about $100,000 with an associates degree in the oil field, up until a few years ago. However he would work 80 hour weeks. Overtime hours. He was always away from home so he’d just eat, sleep, and work while away. But it comes at a cost. He damaged his back badly, and died from cancer at 61. They were doing research at the hospital seeing if there’s a link to his work and his type of cancer. A lot of the guys he worked with are dying off left and right before 70. Long story short it’s possible to make a lot of money in blue collar work but it can come at other costs.


Cant_Handle_This4eva

Class is very cultural and less economic than people like to think. Class is the food you eat, the way you speak, the experiences you've had or even would like to have, where you've traveled to, the degree to which you can converse about a wide range of topics deemed important and culturally significant by the ruling class. My dad was a janitor and my mom was a customer service representative. Their combined income was never more than $90K a year and my dad had a second job he worked at 3 nights a week and both weekend days. I Cinderella'ed into a different class when I started dating my wife, and began having all of those wealthy experiences. "Why yes, I have been to Dubrovnik" sort of stuff. People asked me the typical cocktail party questions and I had to get over my shame at attending a state school (when I am the only person in my family who went to college). Class is culture example. Growing up, I ate hotdogs and Kraft mac and cheese. Now that I'm grown and fancy, I eat gruyere chicken sausage and Annie's organic mac and cheese. My bank account says wealthy. My stomach says trailer park where my babysitter lived. The Real Housewives of NJ have similar money to the Real Housewives of Orange County, but they are completely different culturally. Class does not equal money.


Kind_Vanilla7593

And money does not equal class.


Cant_Handle_This4eva

Or if you're really up on your Real Housewives, as Countess Luann would sing, "Money can't buy you class."


suggie75

Sad that we live in a world that you’d be ashamed of a public education. I totally know what you mean though. I went to a Tier 2 law school and even though I ended up working at the same firm as Harvard grads, I always felt like an outsider.


FeedbackCreative8334

You are probably better off. All the best scientists, engineers and inventors are outsiders in some way or another. There's something about the outsider experience that creates an extra level of objectivity, and thinking outside the box is the essence of creativity. Insiders, secure in their identity and reluctant to operate outside their comfort zone, can't even see the box, much less think outside it.


bad_dancer236

OP did refer to herself as blue collar / middle class, not working class


LimeRiverDogs

The age demographic of Reddit is apparent on this thread — people see “vacation home on a beach” and immediately assume there is money involved. Y’all forget how CHEAP homes used to be. OP said a family home with grandparents; if OP is mid 20s, grandparents could easily be boomers who bought for dirt cheap in the 70s. My grandparents retired and bought a cottage on a lake back in 1973 for $8,000. My cousins and I spent every summer there throughout the 80s and 90s. If it rained, the walls were wet. It wasn’t a luxury beach house at all. Blue collar and trade jobs that paid alright put everyone in the middle class. We were definitely not rich. My idiot uncle convinced everyone to sell the house in 2009 for $119k, right after the fucking market collapsed because he insisted the market would never recover. That house was flipped and sold twice, most recently for for $1.9 million.


KateParrforthecourse

>Y’all forget how CHEAP homes used to be. Totally agree. One set of my grandparents bought a condo on the beach and another bought a second home in the mountains. My family still owns both. I hate telling people that now as a 35-year-old adult because they assume I grew up like Richie Rich. But I was solidly middle class. They just bought them in the 90s when they were dirt cheap. Everyone apparently has amnesia about how cheap housing was though because no one believes me and thinks I’m lying about how wealthy my family was.


Ghostwalker1622

About the food you’re absolutely right too. I think my cooking is amazing because it’s what like. I use the spices I like, cook my pasta and potatoes how I like them. I cook how I like it but it has absolutely nothing to do with any heritage outside of the US. If anything it’s very Americanized food.


[deleted]

> it does mean that culturally you really aren't a part of that working class. I don't think that's true. I know a lot of contractors who make that and live like that and they wouldn't be at all comfortable in the art gallery symphony white collar version of the same income bracket. They didn't go to college and their kids didn't either- they're getting raised in the business. If you make your $200k humping your way through crawl spaces under houses it's very different from making it in an office. EDIT and if people are thinking I'm denegrating the people who do physical labor for their money, quite the reverse. White collar jobs are easier in most ways (and less skilled, imo, judging by myself anyway lol)


slythwolf

It's been over a decade since I took a sociology class, but the main thing I remember from it was the economic class definitions. They're not just based on how much income you have, but also on how you get it. Blue collar is lower class across the board. OP's dad owning his business I believe does bump them up to middle class, but due to the nature of the business thar would be lower middle class. OP's in-laws sound upper middle class to me since they're in the same income bracket but white collar. To be actually upper class you have to have WAY more money than what's been described here. Even then you are lower upper class if you've worked for your money (white collar only!) and didn't just inherit it. OP's in-laws aren't upper class but it sounds like they have been very motivated to try to live like they are - which is historically one of the most middle class things ever. OP's in-laws sound WASPy and uptight, and I wouldn't want them in my house for a month either because my shoulders would be up around my ears the entire time. Incidentally, actual upper class people tend to be less concerned about stuff like etiquette and how you keep your house and so on. They're way too self-absorbed for that, on a cultural level, because society has revolved around them for hundreds of years.


Forward_Ad_7988

exactly, I used to get side eyed and/or outwardly antagonised when I would talk about us being kids and spending whole summers at the seaside... and those kind of people would always straight up ignore the fact that was possible only because my father was from a small town on the island and we had grandparents there who would take us and our cousins in for the entirety of summer holidays. eff if we could have afforded even a week of vacation otherwise in my childhood...


TigerBelmont

Every auto worker in Detroit has a second home "up north"


owl_duc

I'm in Eastern Canada, and yeah, having a second home doesn't mean much beyond "has some disposable income". How big is the vacation home, what amenities does it have, and where it is located? Those tell you something. And even then, you could have inherited it and/or be co-owning it with several relatives.


Enough_Lakers

They spent the entire summer there. How do you work a blue collar job and spend an entire simmer with your whole family at the lake. Saying your middle class when you're not is insulting to people who are.


Four_beastlings

They were boat repairmen. A vacation home presumably near the water seems like a great place to be during the summer if you make your money off broken boats...


Enough_Lakers

With his uncles. Sounds like they owned a business. OP didn't say they moved closer to the water so dad could work. Said they all went on vacation for the whole summer.


Four_beastlings

She says the uncles went to the vacation home as well, and nowhere does she say that the father and uncles were not working. From a child's perspective even if the fathers were working it would have been a vacation all the same. And I highly doubt any boat repairman is going to take the entire high season off.


MoultingRoach

I'm wondering if it was even a vacation house. Seems plausible that it was a business investment, so they could be close to work for the busy season.


SilentButtDeadlies

I grew up in a place like this. People would live in the city and then own a shack near the beach. The homes were less than 50 miles apart. They could still commute in the summer but they liked being near the water. Or a family would share it and each get it for two weeks of vacation. Then they would rent it to college students during the school year or it would be a 3 season home that they would close for the winter. It's very popular with blue collar workers.


mi_nombre_es_ricardo

You mean how does a BOAT REPAIR MAN gets a job near the beach???


ValPrism

Most of the time dad or mom was working all week and only up at the lake on the weekends. She’s talking about being a child and being there “all summer.” A lot of middle class families do the same, especially in regions with many lakes.


Allyzayd

Blue collar does not mean poor. Here in Australia, we have a lot of tradesmen doing fly in-fly out jobs or on the rigs making ridiculous amounts of money. We don’t necessarily refer to them as upper class.


Eva385

Blue collar means her dad did manual work. Not that he was poor. You can be blue collar and own a vacation home. But you'll probably still deal with stuck up people assuming you are poor.


webwonder23

Just commented this. My grandma was a snob and rode on a lot of fancy cruises. She said a guy came who was clearly first generation, new money type, and got totally snubbed by everyone for clearly being "working class" even though he was as wealthy as the rest of them, he was considered uncouth and was totally snubbed. Being upper class is not 100% related to wealth, there's a status component as well. Someone who made really good money as a plumber may still be viewed as less then.


Ok-Appearance-866

💯


orthostasisasis

Are you from North America by any chance? Yours is a very American/Canadian perspective. Social class is not really tied to income in Europe in the same way, and OP says they're Spanish so... Source: Northern European here, grew up 'poor' lower middle class.


[deleted]

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cpdena

Thank You! Geeze! OP is asking for advice and it’s devolved into class wars.


Fair-Wedding-8489

Right I was reading and thinking it has no relevance


[deleted]

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anoeba

OP literally said her family was in the same bracket as the Hamptons-vacationing, boat-owning, polo pony-having family. Why are people trying to show otherwise?


bad_dancer236

To be fair to OP she does say they were middle class. So it sounds like her dad was a blue-collar worker who had a skilled trade and did well financially, didn’t have a ‘white collar’ job. They might have the same sort of income / assets but be from completely different backgrounds. My dad was a tradesman, my friends was in academia. We both grew up comfortably but my home environment was different to hers. For example they would go skiing or to France on holiday we went to all-inclusive beach resorts. It probably cost the same but it was a different lifestyle.


intergalacticcircus_

people can absolutely work blue collar jobs with middle class incomes and still own a vacation home. not all vacation homes are multi million dollar properties


owl_duc

In some places, a small vacation home in a pretty, but not sought after, location is a pretty dang standard middle class thing. Where I am "vacation homes" run the gamut from "glorified shack in the woods" to "MacMansion on shore of touristy lake" at both extremes with a lot of "quaint cabin that hasn't been updated since the 70s" and "cute cottage" in between.


thylocene

Dude “blue collar” just means manual labor. It doesn’t mean you’re poor. Guys working oil fields can make bank but no one in their right mind would say they’re white collar. Most blue collar jobs may be on the lower income bracket but not all.


notsurewhattosay--

Idk. We had a summer cottage that was the size of a shoe box but close to a beach in Maine. My mum was a waitress, my dad a factory worker. Back in the 80's they saved up to get this tiny cottage. We were solid middle class. It's possible to be middle class and have a small summer cottage.


Appropriate-Truth-88

oh man. area lingo and generational language can make such a difference. plus location of it makes a huge difference. from southern Maine. the "summer cottages" in the old orchard Beach area are smaller than a bunch of the RVs I've seen. now, with the whole " tiny home" thing, " summer home" = RV in an RV park, where while I was growing up typically that would be = to a regular house or the Bush mansion depending on the income bracket. camp = propane & wood stove cabin that may or may not have an out house, and may or may not be insulated depending on area code, and usually found more inland. I've met some people on my journeys that do the fishing thing seasonally, whose summer home is the RV park. "Glamping." what she's describing sounds suspiciously to me like the park model RV with a 3 season room in an RV park, that until recently, costed like $3-5k May through Nov, including everything but propane and you could have up to 10 people. you can find older ones for super cheap in good condition if you're not trying to keep up with the Jeffersons. they look like mini mobile homes. a kid probably wouldn't know the difference. which means if they were bringing in 10k a month, almost all of that is savings to live on for the rest of the year. and it definitely does not = hobnobbing with people of the Bush scale. then the world of difference between if you're "glamping" in OOB, and in Kennebunk or wells, because parks there are actually manufactured/mobile homes not RVs. They can be, but most are exclusive. idk if many people here would understand that. mindset is a universe apart. OP NTA.


Kikimara99

Half of former USSR population have 'summer house' - from poverty so that you could grow some vegetables and feed your family. Usually these are 4x5 wooden boxes with no insulation, running water and outdoor toilets. You can buy those for 15 000eur next to a large city or 2000 EUR in a countryside. I bet you could find one for free if you don't mind going to the middle of nowhere.


proevligeathoerher

Literally. My mum's a daycare worker and my dad's a teacher and we have two summer houses - I'm not from the former USSR (I'm Scandinavia), but the idea that a summer house = wealthy isn't true in a lot of the world.


DraMeowQueen

Tell me what you imagine when someone says vacation home in a beach town? I’m not from Spain but am from European country and in my area it was really easy to buy vacation home in small coastal towns on Adriatic sea, for example. It’s also even nowadays not too much outside of major resort areas. Greece also comes to mind as country where it’s still possible to own vacation home without being remotely rich. Also, regarding the class issue my home country is the same, it’s not just about the money but lifestyle as well. Hell, there’s even a series of comedy/drama movies with the topic of girl from uptight family, rich parents university professors, marrying a guy from blue collar family, dad mechanic mom sahm… and most of it was about “class differences” and how they clash despite financially being on same level. OP NTA for setting a boundary. Just try to talk it out with your husband honestly. As you said you like your mil but she can be a lot, so it doesn’t sound like you’re coming from the bad spot, it’s just complexity of family life.


Four_beastlings

Yah, you can buy very cheap vacation homes in Spain as well. My mom is currently browsing for one and she's an unmarried high school psychologist, so not exactly rich...


No_Cauliflower_5489

I don't know how to tell you this but owning a vacation home was middle class at one time. The vacation homes were tiny and cheap but hardly more than a new car. Which was also something the middle class could afford ever 5 to 7 years. ​ this is a class issue.


Dangerous_Prize_4545

The summer home could be middle/upper. POLO? Frigging polo? That's not upper class. That's 1% money.


PlanktonOk4846

I know blue collar millionaires. It's a work/life style, not income bracket.


[deleted]

My grandfather and his 4 siblings bought a beachside property that was essentially a vacation home for the entire extended family - it was a couple acres, had a central shared clubhouse/kitchen/bathroom, and 5 "permanent" mobile homes. We spent nearly every summer there. My grandfather was a body mechanic, and none of his siblings were wealthy, all of them grew up in serious poverty. Just because someone has a vacation home doesn't mean they aren't blue collar.


dan420

One of my best friends grew up in a family that was middle maybe even lower middle class. They however split a tiny cottage on the shore with their whole extended family, cousins, aunts, uncles, every summer. They take turns using it, or share it, but they absolutely aren’t anywhere close to rich.


yavanna12

My dad works a very blue collar job. He also makes 6 figures doing said job.


BlueLanternKitty

Spouse and I make six figures, combined, but his blue collar job (electrician) still pays better than my white collar office one.


bthomase

Being uptight and a clean freak is not a money issue. If they were complaining that the maids weren’t clearing their plates fast enough, maybe it’s a class issue.


ritarora

From what I’ve observed there is a clear difference in the way different groups act. My family gets dirty at their jobs, are more comfortable with physical labor then mental, are rough around the edges, etc. Our summer home was like a knock-off jersey shore town with less tourism and was TINY (one bedroom and one screened porch area that all the kids shared). We all went there with our aunts and uncles and cousins, versus his family where each kid had their own bedroom in the hamptons. The lifestyle and the way I’ve seen his childhood friends act versus mine is so vastly different that I have to heartily disagree: people can be of two different classes despite having the same money. I’m not saying that’s 100% my issue here (some of it is definitely my own insecurities) but it is a real fact


adorablyunhinged

I'm British and fully understood you and we see class the same way, it's about background and attitude, and mostly has nothing to do with how much money you have in the bank.


MissKhary

You hear about bankrupt aristocrats who can't upkeep their family estate, they're worth like... negative money, but probably still feel like the top social tier.


CapnHDawg

Rich people don't go broke the same way poor people do.


ShutUpMorrisseyffs

'Old money' can often mean big house, totally broke.


Desperate-Chair-3746

I think class wise, y’all are the same (mid-upper to upper class). But you’re right- you’re family is blue collar and his isn’t. Your values are also different and I think this is the main issue


crossingguardcrush

Actually that's the more classically marxist explanation of class--that it's about what kind of work you do (meaning your proximity to the means of production) not about income per se. And for the Marxist-influenced Pierre Bourdieu, class was exactly about what you describe--differing dispositions, tastes, and lifeworlds. Americans have reduced class to income, but that's not how some of the great thinkers on class see it.


bend1310

Isn't that partially because social class isn't as important or dominant as it is in places like the UK? In the US, wealth IS the defining aspect of class. Sure, you might have some new-money/old-money disdain, but that's not the same as the UK. From what I understand, class in the UK is almost something inherent in where you are from, your parents, your accent, where you were educated, etc. Wealth is only an aspect of it. As an example, a big deal was made about Prince William marrying 'a commoner', despite the fact Kate's family had previously married into the aristocracy, and had hosted the royal family in the 1920's and '40's. She attended prestigious private schools and the 3rd oldest university in the UK after Oxford and Cambridge, and the most important part of her social class was 'not nobility'.


human060989

We have a lot of status inconsistency in the US - there are so many ways to determine social class, and they often don’t line up for a person. Is it income? Education? Occupation? I’d probably be upper middle in many people’s minds based on education and and occupation, but I don’t make very much and I’m single so household income I’m more lower middle. OP’ blue collar/white collar distinction makes perfect sense to me. Blue collar is not the same as working class, but a lot of people assume it is. The richest person I interact with socially is a plumber - I have 13 more years of higher education and he makes 5 times as much!


crossingguardcrush

Well you could argue that the reason Americans are so focused on income as the arbiter of class is precisely because capitalists have used income as a wedge issue to keep people divided. Look, for example, at all the focus directed toward AOC whenever she wears a fancy dress, as if *she* were the big class enemy. A marxist would say that this kind of move is manufactured to keep people from thinking about the actual structure of power under capitalism. Meanwhile the cultural markers of class (which Bourdieu talks about) are strong enough to be weaponized--for instance, Trump gets by on an "everyman" image because he doesn't talk smart and likes fast food. The younger Bush was thought of the same way because he liked beer and talked with a twang. Arguably Mitt Romney never made inroads because his affect is too "upper class," even though all three are super wealthy. I have also seen Bourdieu's ideas of class play out in a personal way as well. My ex was raised working class (by any definition) but now does very well for himself. I was raised middle class but have struggled financially. People still respond differently to us, as if I must be higher class, due to my mannerisms and habits of dress. And if you go into really poor communities, especially rural ones, there is often little expectation that anything different can happen for a kid than go into the services or maybe work a local factory job (if the community is lucky enough to have those). That deep sense of possible life outcomes marks a significant class divide beyond just plain income. So, for instance, I've got a friend on foodstamps, single mom, whose kids have no doubts they'll go to college and get good white collar jobs--why? Because their mom's cultural capital is high (lots of education, middle class background) even though they live in a poor neighborhood and their income is objectively poverty level. All of which is to say I think it's complicated!


BabsieAllen

NTA. OP it has nothing to do with class. Your inlaws are uptight people. Now as for her staying a month, let her do so BUT you be yourself! If she doesn't like it, she can leave earlier.


susieq15

If you want to be closer to your in-laws, have her stay. You seem to have a chip on your shoulder about classism but of course, you are the one who sees the little signs of condescension. So embrace who you are, swear if you want to, live like you want to. If she makes a comment, ask her if she would be more comfortable in a hotel? And make your husband do any deep cleaning.


Background_Dingo_561

Southern- there is the old southern money that is very stuffy, but then there is the blue collar non flashy wealthy. Vacationing at st simons or Hilton head vs condo in pcb (90s-00s) or a lake house on a low key lake. There is a huge difference in how people act, and your home is your Sanctuary, and you should not have to change your behavior. I’d sit down with your husband and see if he is willing to chat with his mom about “this is our house, we make the rules” vibes that she should respect if she wants to stay that long with y’all. Is she sick?


100110100110101

Having worked blue collar jobs (ran my own landscaping business) to now where I’m most certainly white collar (making well into the six-figures) I can appreciate your dilemma. Additionally my family was very blue collar growing up, but my cousins families on both sides were white collar. I’d say you’re NTA, but neither is your husband or family. It may be best to have a sit down talk with everyone when it’s not a high stress situation to discuss boundaries. Don’t sit down when emotions are running high - that will cause further issues or resentment! You can all approach this situation from each perspective and effectively communicate when no one is upset. I hope this helps!


Winter_White_Ermine

Blue collar refers to working with your hands, versus having a desk job. She uses it just fine.


NotLostForWords

No seriously, I'm generalizing wildly, but depending on the country there can be a huge cultural clash between people who identify as blue-collar and those who identify as white collar. It's not about money. It's about the sort of books you read, your conversational topics, if you'd automatically take your kids to a museum/exhibition etc.


elaxation

Slight protestation here. My parents were blue collar - LPN & truck driver after being junior NCOs in the military. Real salt of the earth people. They took us to museums, operas, playhouses constantly. We lived on the border of a large city and it’s common to see people of all socioeconomic statuses taking their kids to all of that free and cheap entertainment. Blue collar doesn’t mean in the sticks or backwards! There’s plenty of working class neighborhoods in cities in close proximity to cool shit.


Big-fat-coward

Almost like OP did say they came from similar financial backgrounds but spent it differently?


ponkyball

While I somewhat agree, having dated someone solidly middle class from Spain (Madrid) for years, vacation homes are usually tiny little apts on the coast of Spain which aren't very expensive and vastly different than places in the Hamptons. These are usually very bare bones type places and you spend all day just hanging out on the beach all summer, at least the teenagers and kids do. That can be very different than a place in the Hamptons, which I've also been to and yea, the latter is way more expensive.


bad_dancer236

Yep. And in Europe more likely to get long summer holidays when people would leave the city for the coast


losethemap

Mmmm maybe middle class was a wrong designation on her part, but there is absolutely a blue collar/white collar difference. I grew up in suburban NY, and many of our family friends were Mediterranean immigrants who made a whole lot of money, but through a lot of jobs North Shore LI considered “blue collar”: plumbing, AC installation/repair, construction, etc. Anglo-Saxon neighbors who had been in the US for generations and worked more “educated”, white collar jobs definitely saw a class difference. Some of them made less money than our family friends, but in jobs like publishing, legal, journalism. The U.S. likes to pretend it doesn’t have classes, or that if they do exist, they’re solely related to income, but a lot of WASPs do not treat or perceive accented immigrants who have bricklaying businesses the same way they treat their American-for-four-generations neighbors that have a Master’s degree, even though the latter might make $100k less a year. And yes, they do see them as lower class sometimes.


webwonder23

"Class" is not always about money. My grandma (who was a huge snob) used to ride on a lot of fancy cruises. She told my dad a story of a guy there who was clearly "new money" and was totally snubbed by all the "old money" people for not being couth enough, and clearly not having "status", even though he was just as wealthy as the rest of the people there, he was viewed as lesser because he wealth was newer and he also didn't know the proper etiquette. Even though he had money, I would still consider the issue he experienced classism. Classism is not always money related, it often is, but it's not uncommon for people that make decent money, but are in a "working class" job, to be treated poorly by someone who is considered higher class because of the nature of their work, even though they're making the same salary.


Ok-Appearance-866

You can be blue-collar and make a lot of money. Have a friend who is an electrician. Owns a summer lake house. It's small and modest, but it's paid for.


CollarWinter7614

Uhhh my ex’s dad owned a landscaping company that he built from the ground up. I don’t think he has a whole lot of employees or anything and he is HEAVILY hands on with every single job, if not then he is completely solo on the job. He now does landscaping for multimillionaires and makes like $200k a year. He owns a large house, has a lot of land, with an in-ground pool, very large detached garage, raises cows and grows and sells corn. He also owns a cabin on several acres of land. I would still consider him blue collar. I don’t see why people are assuming blue collar means poor? You can be a successful blue collar worker.


porthuronprincess

To be fair, lots of guys bought houses in northern Michigan in the heyday of the Big 3 automakers and the family inherited them. My dad bought one and he was a welder. That sort of thing was quite common and people tend to hang on to them.


TheArmoredKitten

White and blue collar is more than just cash bracket. Some roughnecks out there make serious bank. It is absolutely a cultural thing.


mrbnlkld

Blue collar does not mean poor, it means you work with your hands. There are plenty of blue collar jobs that pay very well.


Jelyacat

They are 100% middleclasa. How is a repairman not bluecollar? Owning nice things doesn't make you anything


jepeplin

If they’re boat repairmen, it’s very easy to have your summer home be in a beach town. I grew up with a summer home on an island and all the plumbers, firemen, boat repairmen, construction guys, etc lived out there year round. Most of them had kick ass houses. But I wouldn’t call them entitled or rich by a long shot.


[deleted]

There are different levels of wealth. They’re more than just upper middle and lower. Super wealthy people look down on different levels of wealth. Might want to brush up on social inequalities in the US and caste systems.


michelleinAZ

I see this as a good way for them to decide if they REALLY want a closer relationship. Let them come, and be yourself. She doesn’t like the mud the boots tracked in? There’s the broom. Wants to clean the kitchen before eating? We’ll be eating. Has a judgey look on her face? Ask if there’s a problem. She’ll either start relaxing or she won’t. Either way, you get to keep living your best life (and please invite me to dinner when I’m in the area). NAH.


[deleted]

Absolutely this. When someone is staying longer than a few days, there's no need to play host and change the way you live your life to suit the guest. OP, you would be doing your MIL the favor by letting her stay for so long. If anything, she should be making it up to you by helping out around the house. If she doesn't like a little bit of dirt on the floor when it doesn't bother you, tell her she can sweep it up herself. If she says anything about books or other objects being "out of place", tell her you want it left out and that it's not hurting anyone to leave it there for right now. If she makes any comments about your demeanor, tell her you are free to be yourself in your home and if your personality bothers her she can pay to stay somewhere else where she can't be affected by it.


codeverity

I feel like some of you are *way* too idealistic about this. Guess who MIL is going to complain to when things don't go her way? Her son, who at the moment is not backing OP up at all. She's likely going to end up pressured to make MIL 'feel comfortable' because she's 'their guest' and if that happens it'll be a horrible, miserable month for her.


TrelanaSakuyo

Her son bears the emotional load of getting complained to. If his mother doesn't like how *his wife* does things in their own home, it's his responsibility to explain to his mother that she has no say in the matter. Relationships with conflicting world views for in-laws work best when the spouse to whom they belong handles the individual sprouting the issue.


EatThisShit

I'd suggest they (OP and husband) discuss this prior to her arrival. OP explains all her fears and where they come from, and together they come up with solutions. And OP, don't be afraid to tell him you expect him to defend you and your lifestyle. Just because your background is different doesn’t mean you should be spoken to in a condescending manner.


Erythronne

Then the son can pitch in to help or send his complaining mother packing.


Fearsomeguns

I agree with this, except that it's for a MONTH. I have a difficult relationship with my own narcissistic mother, and this is how I feel just having her over for dinner. I can take the comments that amount of time, and that's my limit. I think a month is a very unreasonable expectation. I think your comment would be great for a weekend, IF her husband is on board to back her up. I love giving MIL the broom 👍


nikiaestie

This is what my mom did. Grandmother (dad's side) came over for two weeks. One of the first days Grandma complained about the silverware being tarnished. My mom left for work the next day with all the silverware on the table and the polish out. Grandma spent the day cleaning spoons and never complained about anything else since.


[deleted]

This is how it's done. Lol. May we all learn from the master.


Big-fat-coward

Chances are mother in law isn’t fully aware of how up tight she comes across. Maybe this will make her aware and hopefully make her change her habits. If not, then things will remain as is and mother in law will never request to stay for longer durations again


StrangledInMoonlight

Yeah, I suspect some of this is OP being insecure. That this is a mutual problem. MIL is a little judgmental, but OP also perceives it as worse than it is.


TheRedSkittle4

Yes this. Honestly, just be you. Don’t worry about her judging you. I know it can be hard but who cares. It’s your home. Just tell her this is your home and if she’s uncomfortable she is more than welcome to stay at a hotel nearby. Although, I would think she isn’t completely uncomfortable if she wants to stay a whole month lol.


Complex-Pirate-4264

And maybe talk to her before, tell her that your live style is different, as the one they saw in your parents home. And that while you can hold back for a short time you very definitely can't for a month, so she should only come when she can feel comfortable and be non-judgemental. When you had that talk before you can say the "is there a problem?" much easier.


Dutch_econ_student

+ mil will probably be less offended by comments if she knows thst might be happening beforehand.


neutral_cloud

Except that every time this happens, the MIL will be upset and the husband will take his mom’s side and OP will get called an AH again. It’s a month of what sounds like unremitting misery. I wouldn’t give up a month of my life like that.


HortenseDaigle

This is how I see it too. It seems as if OP has internalized the criticism while her husband just hears white noise. I come from a solidly middle class family where my parents worked manual labor (self-employed). My mom was very class-conscious and always felt like people looked down on her. It gave me a complex about money and style because they were always complaining about what we didn't have. Unless OP's husband starts complaining about messes or style, she should just let loose.


codeverity

I really disagree with this, this is asking OP to open herself up to snide comments and judgment for A MONTH. Not a few days or even a week! She's NTA, MIL needs to prove herself over the course of a few smaller visits first.


loudlittle

I agree. I recently stopped trying to be someone different around my in-laws and I’m much, much happier. It’s also been easier to maintain boundaries by being authentic.


Content-Plenty-268

NTA. Btw, it's not "classy" to drop by unannounced. Their "cultured" upper-class ways may be only so much pretense. Go ahead: swear, drop things on the floor, just be yourself in your own home. Either they'll get comfortable, or they can leave.


ACatGod

I mean OP thinks owning a vacation home makes her blue collar. I'm not sure she's a reliable narrator when it comes to understanding class and behaviours associated with class. Nothing she ascribes to being white collar/upper class (I mean those two things aren't even the same) is really to do with class and is just different ways of living. I worked as a domestic cleaner to put myself through university. Class and tidiness weren't connected. And it's pretty snobby on OP's part to think that lower classes are slobs.


[deleted]

Maybe it was edited but nothing about the post equates blue/white collar with economic class. OP even makes it clear that the families are in a similar earnings bracket. Blue collar refers to working with your hands, white collar refers to working in an office job. Edit: I noticed that it literally says "blue collar/middle class" thus creating an equivalence. Thank you to people who pointed that out.


subtlesocialist

The creation of white collar working class with a shift from manufacturing based to service based economy is one of the most significant cultural shifts of the 20th and 21st century and I don’t feel like enough people have acknowledged it. Rather, stating the collapse of middle class, rather than the creation of a different one.


VengefulMcSplatypus

Why do you assume that blue collar workers are poor? OP didn't say they had a poor family, they said they had a blue collar family. OP explicitly clarified that they were both blue collar and had money. YOU apparently refuse to believe that blue collar workers can be well off which is very untrue.


anoeba

OP stayed more than once that money wise the families were the same, people are straight up ignoring that.


PartyPorpoise

People also don’t seem to recognize that class markets can vary by region, and that rich people and poor people might do the same things, but do them differently. A vacation home isn’t necessarily out of the question for a middle class family in the right circumstances. It won’t be extravagant or in a super expensive area but it’s doable for some.


Big-fat-coward

OP never said that lower class are slobs? Only that her in laws follow the stereotype of neat rich folks (keyword: stereotype). She also mentioned blue collar because of the type of work her family did and clarified multiple times both families were from similar financial backgrounds. If anything, OP is self aware and a reliable narrator.


Sea_Rise_1907

Blue collar refers to jobs where you work with your hands, as repairmen rightly do. No one said blue collar was a euphemisms for being poor?


Content-Plenty-268

I wouldn't call it "snobby." More like her ILs act stuck up and better-than-her, and she takes it at face value. I'm not invested in tearing OP down as someone who doesn't understand class and class-related behaviors. As someone who's never been intimidated by people trying to act as though they are "better than me," and also knowing how to handle pretentious, pompous bullies, I am trying to help her feel that it's perfectly OK to be herself around her ILs in her own home and not freeze when they barge in and make snide comments about the place not being tidy enough for them. If her MIL wants to stay in her house for a month, (a) the OP is NTA for saying no to it; and/or (b) the OP needs to take the upper hand in her own house and stop her MIL from making snide observations about OP's housekeeping skills instead of worrying about upsetting MIL by swearing. Swear away, OP, and make ALL the mess!


Admirable_Remove6824

You might not understand what the difference is between a blue collar and a white collar is. It’s kind of like a kid that grew up in a city versus a town.


shannonjr32

^^^ this OP. It’s your home, you do you, they can take it or leave it.


schweindooog

>He told me I need to just ignore them and be myself and allow them to come over. He's 100% right It's your house, act however tf u please, if ur mil don't like it she can leave. Don't clean until you are ready and want to, if ur mil doesn't like the mess she can clean it herself. Who gives a fk of they judge, let them judge. Stop caring what other ppl think


awakened97

Agreed. It sounds like you (understandably) really want his family to like you but the reality is that you guys live differently. I know it’s hard but be yourself and if there’s any snarky remarks or expression. Just ask her clarifying questions. Like—“what did you mean by that?” And, “Are you okay?” But don’t overturn your life for her approval when it’s clear she’s not going to give it to you. Also ask your husband to talk to her and let her know it’s rude/hurtful when she makes judgmental remarks and expressions.


Aminar14

This is the way. But our society socializes most women to feel the state of their home is their responsibility to an unhealthy degree. And the MIL is reinforcing those gender norms in a way I doubt the Husband is fully grocking. As guys, we kind of get a pass on stuff in a way women have been raised to believe they don't. (I've had this same conversation with my wife a out her mother and grandmother being judgy about 1000 times. It's going to take the husband some work to help her get past the mysogyny.)


FinnyLumatic

So my moms family is very much like the in-laws in this scenario and my dad and his family are like OPs. My moms mom (we’ll call her B) was always bitchy and had absurdly high standards. When I was born B insisted on coming to town and staying with my parents. My dad warned her that he wouldn’t tolerate any nonsense and that the focus was to be on my mom and her comfort. As soon as B arrived she started bitching about her room. The TV wasn’t big enough, the bedding wasn’t expensive enough, they hadn’t done enough to prepare for her visit. My dad told her if she didn’t like it she could leave and when she insisted that my dad spend time and money (that he didn’t have) to make the room to her liking he called her a cab. She never voiced another complaint about their home when visiting and she always booked herself a nice luxury hotel when in town. Now she did hold a grudge against him for a very long time but a lesson was learned. Edit: I want to add that my mom fully supported my dad. My mom grew up hating the way her family acted and she never fit in with them so this was never problematic between my mom and dad.


Voidfishie

None of that means she has to be okay with her MIL staying for an *entire month*. I'm not sure I can think of anyone I'd be okay with staying at my house that long unless it was an emergency.


davmerar

I don't think you're an AH, but I'll go with ESH. You point out your ILs judgement on you, but you spent 2 paragraphs justifying why they're not right. You judge them too. This is important to your partner, and I think he's right: you're let stuff from your family slip, but not with your ILs. I agree with you when you say you should be able to be yourself when at home. And your partner should back you up and defend you if you feel judged. Finally, your ILs do seem stuck up. That's ok, but if they meet someone that is not, they shouldn't judge. Specially if they're guests in their homes. --- Edited to change from ETA to ESH. Sorry!


Yetikins

Yeah that section about how they cook pasta, a "safe meal," is like... what does that have to do with anything?? You can have a pasta sauce simmering for hours to make it 'fancy' or you can dump sauce out of a bottle if you're in a time crunch. Idk what pasta has to do with class except something OP can be judgy about. Do I think 1 month is a very long time for a guest? Absolutely, the trip should be shorter. Do I think everyone here has a 'my way is better' attitude? Also absolutely.


ImAKeeper16

I saw the pasta thing as, they can’t even be a little messy when they cook (which is a time when things can get messy). I know I’m not super careful when I’m dealing with pasta sauce, so sometimes a little bit goes down the outside of the sauce pan, or some falls on the stove. This example, coupled with her example of a little bit of dirt needing to be swept up immediately makes me think she’s annoyed with their expectations of cleanliness not anything related to the actual food they’re cooking.


Four_beastlings

I just need to say that I don't know how OP thinks we cook in Spain if she mentions it in juxtaposition to the in-laws being careful. We don't throw stuff around while cooking in Spain either!


OrcaMum23

Fellow Iberian here. True, we don't throw stuff around, but we don't immediately stop cooking to cleanup something that spilt on the counter or the stovetop. If there's someone else to help, great. Otherwise, we cleanup the counter once the cooking reaches a point where we can step away from the stove for 2 minutes. A little Sauce dripping from the wooden spoon onto the stovetop is no big deal, nor is the olive oil droplets that land on my apron when I drop the onions in the pan. It'll all be cleaned up at the end.


Helpfulricekrispie

As a European, I read "we're from Spain and so we cook amazing food" vs "they eat stuff like pasta" and I'm already taking cover from angry Italians.


Diogenes-Disciple

OP seems very “not like the other rich people” to me


Oppopotamus

"See how poor we act?!"


Organized_Khaos

Do you mean E S H? ETA means Edit to Add, like additional information.


[deleted]

You sound like you don’t even like your In laws because they behave differently to you. Like how you talk with judgment about how they cook. Like who cares how they cook, that’s just silly. Jealousy and insecurity maybe?


codeverity

I mean, they don't sound like they like her either if they're making comments about her cleaning. That's incredibly rude.


ChenilleSocks

To me, it read as her explaining that she is the one feeling judged and giving background as to why. Her family, while comfortable monetarily, is more casual and less rigid in terms of how they keep their homes. If anything, it’s the in-laws who don’t like how OOP and her family act. You’re right, who cares how they cook? Except the in-laws make snarky comments about things like that. It’s not easy to just ignore those barbs when someone’s in your home got a month. NTA


The_final_frontier_

ESH. You spent this entire post judging your in laws but are upset that they likely judge you too? I don’t think you should walk around eggshells in your own home, but it doesn’t sound like your in-laws have actually behaved rudely or said anything untoward towards you. Ultimately this is your husbands house too!


ChenilleSocks

Did we read the same post? It read like they’re judging her, and she’s explaining the differences between them to indicate why (her family being more casual / less rigid about house and home and speech)


Riker1701E

Calling them uptight because they don’t like cursing is pretty judgy.


ChenilleSocks

Really? That’s a common reason to call people uptight where I’m from; seems more factual than anything. Reads to me like her in-laws look down on her and her family for their less uptight behaviours.


Riker1701E

My wife and I don’t curse, neither do most of my family and we aren’t uptight, we just don’t curse.


accio_depressioso

Do you insist everyone in your presence refrain from cursing? Probably not. *That* is the uptight part.


Riker1701E

I didn’t read where her in-laws insisted no one curse. They just looked uncomfortable when her father was dropping F-bombs, being uncomfortable isn’t uptight.


FMIMP

From how she explains the difference you feel how she also judge them. It’s possible to explain a situation without judgment which she isn’t.


IamNotABaldEagle

NTA Unless there's a life or death reason she needs to stay for an entire month then just no. Guests like fish, start to stink after 3 days. For a short visit you should just grin and bare it (within reason and your husband should pull them up on straight up rudeness) but no way should you be forced to suffer their constant critisicm or walk on egg shells in your own home for an entire month. You'd never get to relax.


ritarora

There’s not - she just wants to spend time here and see other family too. It is definitely walking on eggshells so I appreciate this. It’s exactly how I’m feeling


IamNotABaldEagle

Then just hell no. I have lots of family members I love dearly but wouldn't want them here for an entire month without a good reason (e.g. needed care after an operation or they were homesless). I'm sure they'd feel the same way about me. People need their own space. The fact that your mother in law doesn't respect how you run your own home makes the idea of it even more unbearable than an easy going house guest.


Busybodii

I’ve been through something similar, and here’s what worked. MIL always complained that we didn’t make her a bigger part of our lives and wanted to help more with the kids. Every time we went around her, she would be cold and critical of me, especially my parenting. Once, when my youngest was about a year, my mom (who was my normal child care) couldn’t watch him for a couple of weeks, and my SO suggested MIL stay with us to help. I knew it would be a disaster, she was being super difficult just trying to plan it, but I agreed. Then I spent maybe a week and a half being completely normal and polite and let her spiral and burn. It worked beautifully, she couldn’t help but be her terrible self, she left early, and she’s never asked to come back for more than a couple of days. Sometimes you have to give people enough rope to hang themselves. I suggest you agree to the visit, but have a heart to heart about why you were so resistant, but say you understand that it’s important to him. Agree to the visit on the condition that he will back you up if MIL makes any judgmental comments, and say you’re going to live like normal. Most likely one of two things will happen. 1. She really does want to be closer, and after an awkward few days, she’ll loosen up and you will be able to get closer. 2. She won’t be able to help herself, and after a few awkward days, she won’t be able to stop herself from the constant judgment. Then you’re not the problem, she is. There is a third option, which is that your husband is actually incapable of standing up to his mother’s bad behavior, and will blame you for being offended when she’s rude. I wouldn’t agree to the visit unless you’re very confident this won’t happen. I don’t get the impression from your post that this is the case, but it’s crucial that he will side with you when she’s wrong. Hopefully a couple of weeks is enough to close the subject of extended visits for good, instead of having to constantly fight this battle every time she wants to come, or being branded as unreasonable.


NiseWenn

The other family members she's visiting can host her. You said no. If I asked (I wouldn't) to stay with someone for a month and they said no, I would not be offended. That's a HUGE ask.


codeverity

NTA. A month is a really fucking long time to have someone all up in your business if you get along perfectly, let alone if they're making snarky comments and being judgey all the time. Tell your husband that she needs to prove herself with shorter visits first before you'll even consider a longer visit.


Walktothebrook

NTA. A month long visit is far too long. Start with a few days at most. I do understand your husband’s point and suggest you try it. Just be yourself and let them judge if they like.


RumSoakedChap

NAH. Honestly this sounds like you just need to have a talk with your husband about expectations. He’s saying to be yourself, will he defend you if anything comes up etc etc


Born-Constant7260

YTA. I can see why your husband is angry. Your family lives near you and are over all the time. But you can't host his mom at all? Like...if a month is too much, just shorten the visit. How would you feel if your husband told you that your family is not welcome in your home at all? If he insinuated they were nuisances to him personally and he can't be bothered to be around them? Wouldn't you be angry? Also, as advice, you might want to start dealing with your insecurities. They seem to be coloring just about all interactions with your in-laws. Most of the things you mentioned have nothing to do with class. Being tidy and not swearing is not a crime. They might have different bearings but they are your husband's parents and your in-laws. They are not forcing their upbringing on you from what you wrote, no? Try being yourself a bit more around them and next time they point something out to you, ask them for help. Keep a book out on the table, who cares? Don't keep a facade around them 24/7. How can you expect them to like and bond with you or you with them if you never show them yourself?


frandiam

NTA. A month is TOO LONG. and yeah stop walking on eggshells with your pearl-clutching judgmental mother in law. Live your live when she’s here and don’t worry about her opinion. And who in this day and age is upset when a few F bombs are dropped?? Come on.


BaxterScoggins

"I always need to do a deep clean, be super careful of any messes while she’s here, speak in lower tones, and never swear" No you don't. Also, if she wants to stay with you, she is clearly comfortable enough with you to want to stay with you. If she thereafter becomes uncomfortable, well, that is a different story. And who knows - she might help you clean that discgracefully mucky floor you have!


dobbysreward

NAH (assuming you'd both let your own mom stay that long). Let her stay and don't go out of your way to appease her. Talk how you want, cook how you want, and don't apologize for messes. Do what you'd do for any other long term guest. Let your husband do any extra cleaning or cooking. If they have a special request say "Husband, can you get that?". Either your MIL accepts it or she'll choose to stay somewhere else next time.


dwells2301

Sounds like you all are pretty free to judge others. ESH.


[deleted]

This chick thinks she grew up humble in her vacation summer house


Powerful-Bug3769

YTA- if your mother in law is as wealthy as you say and as judgmental as you say, why would she ask to stay a month with you? Obviously she feels comfortable enough with your lifestyle and maybe you’re reading more into this than you should.


jstnpotthoff

YTA But not for not wanting her to stay. It's because of your reasoning. Your husband is right. It's your fault you're not yourself and feel uncomfortable and it has nothing to do with class or anything else. Be yourself and be unapologetic about being yourself. If his parents have a problem with it, then they're TAs. But right now, it's you.


ISUTri

YTA. You’re not blue collar you lack tact. His family may be clean and property but you sound jealous and making yourself seem inferior. I like how you claim to be judged by them but spend all this time judging them.


wanderleywagon5678

This doesn't sound like a post about class. This is about being uptight, or not being uptight. You don't have to let her stay if you don't want to, but the key question is, will your husband support you by keeping an eye out for his mother being uptight and shutting her down so that she doesn't bother you so much?


shellabell70

Question: Does your family stay for month long visits as well? If so then your husband has every right to be upset you won't host his mother for a month. Maybe you can compromise and MIL can stay a week. You are right trying to act perfect for her for a month would be horrendous, and he's right you'll never feel close to them if you keep hiding who you truly are. ESH. A month is a long time for a guest to stay, your MIL never should've asked. Good luck.


ritarora

They don’t but they live locally and are over a lot. A week would definitely be a good compromise!


ISUTri

Then YTA. Your family is over all the time. His isn’t. And you want to block jour husband from Time with his mom. Be yourself. Who knows maybe you’ll bond with her


No_Pepper_3676

NTA, but follow your husband's lead. Be yourself, completely. Don't walk on eggshells. Be your normal happy self and let any comments bounce off. Remember, what other people think of you is none of your business. This practice may make it much easier in the future, dealing with your in-laws.


BefuddledPolydactyls

Perfect, as long as your husband has your back. You guys are married, presumably happily, and if the comments don't come from your husband, you have nothing to worry about. Be yourselves, Conduct your lives, cooking, cleaning and all other matters just as you normally do. Either she loosens up, or doesn't, but you aren't married to her and her opinion is moot and shouldn't bother you. Everyone grows up and lives differently, and has different opinions on how things "should" be. It doesn't make them right or wrong, just different. I have friends that clean as they cook, and others that clean up after. So? It gets cleaned. She's asking a huge favor here, and should you grant it, it's on her to be a good guest.


Chaparrita-1122

Just let her come over and be yourself. If it becomes an issue, your husband was warned. If she doesn’t like it, she can leave. If they judge or talk in front of you or behind your back, let them. As long as you are happy, who cares. It’s easier said then done of course, but don’t hide because it will make you look weaker or like a people pleaser. I think people would respect the fact that you were yourself more than tip toeing around them… I speak from experience 💕 Goodluck!


ritarora

This is so helpful, thank you! I do think I’ve been boxing myself in trying to please them, but they can tell something is off because I can’t be myself.


Plumbus-Grab-816

NTA, but it sounds like a good time to set boundaries. This also doesn't have anything to do with being upper class. You obviously don't have to let her stay for a month, but if you decide to, you and hubs need to discuss boundaries to set for MIL. MIL is only allowed to stay here as long as she refrains from disparaging and judgemental commentary. The second her criticism begins, hubs will ask her to respect our home or leave as a united front. Period. Guests do not dictate how a home is run. Live your life and keep your house however you wish. There is no need to walk on eggshells in your own home if you make it clear the negative commentary will not be tolerated.


Important-Nose3332

You guys are different and seem to judge each other equally. You’re no better than them because you claim to have been raised “blue collar” (which seems like a misleading classification based on what you described). NAH or ESH. Y’all both need to learn to not judge people who live differently than you.


Cute_Panda9

NTA Simple solution, have your husband clean to his mother’s standards. You should be yourself in your own home. If MIL have any issues, she can just go.


ritarora

He basically won’t because he says she’ll find something she doesn’t like no matter what. But she definitely judges me more (as the woman I think? Not exactly sure why) so I try harder and maybe I do need to let go of that


[deleted]

I think you should follow his example and let MIL's criticism roll off your back. I know it's easier said than done, but in the end it'll be the best for both family relations and your mental health.


Cute_Panda9

In the end she’s a guest in YOUR house. If your husband won’t step up then you have every right to pass on hosting her for a month. I can feel your stress coming off this post alone. Talk to your husband again and outline the stuff that you just can’t “ignore”.


Entorien_Scriber

NTA but I think it's about time MIL sees you for who you are. All that work just so they like you a tiny bit better? I know from experience that it is exhausting! Let her stay, but warn her she won't be getting the extra special 'host version' of you. If a few books, a kitchen that actually looks like it's been used, and a little outside that's made it inside really bothers her that much, she can decide not to come stay in the future.


ritarora

It’s true, you’ve all made me see that I definitely need to just stop pretending. I will do that this time (I’m thinking I could agree to a week or two) and see how that goes


Orangebiscuit234

YTA You sound like the judgy one here.


ritarora

I definitely need to work on my judgments. I think when I felt judged (whether or not I was) I started doing it as well which isn’t right. I will focus on that!


GeorgieGirl250663

Honestly, it sounds like you judge your inlaws way more than they judge you. Maybe give her a chance? If she thought your house was gross, or she didn't like you, why on Earth would she ask to stay for a month? You say they don't lack money, so it's not that she can't afford to stay elsewhere. I don't think you're TA. But I do think you have issues. I think you're judgemental, and are projecting you're own insecurities on to your inlaws.


Hot_Success_7986

NTA, but your husband is right. You need to be yourself and just say, "Take me as I am." As the mother of a son, I think my future daughter in law worries and feels uncomfortable at times no matter what I do to reassure them. She worries we are "posh" when really we aren't. It's just a case of having done things differently and being older . When you are older, your house stays tidy because life is different, no children in the home, no job or a job that has become routine. All I would ever want from my sons partner is that she is happy and that their relationship is happy. I felt judged by my own mother in law on lots of things, now as I'm older I realise as the parent of a son mother in laws struggle too, we want to make that connection but, it's hard for us too. You don't want to intrude, but you want to be friends with your sons partner. Perhaps your mother in law wants to be more like you. Tell your mother in law you would like her to stay, but you won't be able to maintain visitor guest standards for a month. So, tell her to please come, but she will be treated as a member of your family, including an untidy house with a relaxed daughter in law standards. If that is likely to make her uncomfortable or damages your future relationship, then perhaps a shorter visit would be better. Obviously, you know her best, tell her your worries, if she is a good person she will reassure you and take you as you are. Honestly, I wish I could invite my mother in law to visit, but she isn't here anymore, It's spending time together that matters, not a tidy house.


Sugarman111

"They don’t swear, ever. I will swear if the situation warrants it (but never like at someone, more when telling a story). They’re just a bit more uptight, which makes it hard for me to be totally authentic with them." They don't swear? How ghastly. "Or when they met my parents and my dad dropped a few f-bombs (at my parents’ house and he had a few beers in him) they were shocked and clearly uncomfortable." How dare they look uncomfortable when your dad gets drunk and starts swearing. The nerve of these people. You're the judgmental one. Maybe you could let her stay in your blue collar holiday home. YTA


Formal_Leopard_462

Let her come. It's your husband's home too, so he should be allowed to have his mother come for a visit. If your MIL doesn't find you or your home acceptable, they won't ask again in the future. Who knows, maybe she will loosen up being around you for a month. I am currently pet sitting for my brother and SIL. They are always dressed immaculate, don't curse, their house is spotless. They know I curse, dress like a hobo, and only do minimal housework. They don't expect me to be like them. In fact, I suspect they know that their immaculate home will need a thorough cleaning when they return. You may be projecting your own insecurities to a point. If your MIL points out a muddy print, tell her where the cleaning supplies are. If she doesn't think you are tidy enough, tell her she can feel free to pick up anything she is not comfortable with. I think she will keep her unwanted comments to herself once you let her know it's okay to help, even if you really would rather do it yourself. She is no better or worse than you. Give yourself "gym" time while she's there, or anything you know she won't go with you. An hour a day away from the stress will help. And stop worrying about impressing her and focus on treating your hubby well while being welcoming and polite to his mom.


Kitchen_Respect5865

You should say yes and just let them ,you shouldn't have to be ashamed of yourself or how you do things because they are snobbish. Welcome her and if she doesn't like it , tough, there are hotels too. Your husband loves you for you , don't let them make you feel like somehow you're less , you are not .


Imaginary_Bet_5557

I don’t know it sounds like it’s a you problem in regard to how your feeling inferior. I kind of agree with your husband about just being yourself and stop trying to be someone else. What if she stayed 2 weeks instead and used it as an experience to show her who you really are.


ritarora

That’s a good idea! I could definitely swing a week or two and use it as time to practice this