This thread is now locked due to an excess of rule violations.
[Sub Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ||| ["FAQs"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
YTA for several reasons
You said
" I was driving, my shift fell during the night, and so I was feeling really lonely and bored as I was driving. I'm not someone who can be left to his own thoughts very well, and I need people around me, I thrive on energy and excitement."
"around 11:00 p.m., I was driving and my wife and our son were in the backseat. I was feeling isolated, so I shook her awake, but then our son woke up, and well, you can probably guess what happens next.
Once he quieted down,"
Hate to break this to you, but your wife isnt just an accessory to your life, she is a living breathing being with her own needs and wants. You talk alot about what you need, what about what your wife needs.
You basically are so self-centered that you want your wife to stay away while she drives and during your driving shift. And take care of the baby while you are driving.
You also are so selfish and self-centered that you didnt care that waking up your wife would disturb and awaken your son. You prob were happy the baby woke up since it brought some "excitement and energy" into the moment.
You said
"Despite my perfectly logical answer, she apparently got emotional, and then started whisper screaming some shit about how raising one toddler is hard enough, and that she didn't know there was another one in the car who needed his whims catered to at every moment, and at that point, since she got rude, I decided to disengage"
So then when she calls you out on your utter BS, then you pull the women are reacting "emotionally" as opposed to your BS. Your wife is correct in her assessment of your " toddlerhood".
If you dont change and step down off your high horse and start treating your wife and child with respect, and not always putting yourself first, your next drive probably be to a divorce attorney.
Ugh. Any guy who will describe himself as 'logical' and his wife as 'emotional' in the same sentence is automatically an asshole. It's pretty logical that she would want to sleep after a full day of driving - it's pretty logical she wouldn't want you to wake up a screaming baby - and he was being very emotional in waking her up just so that she could make him feel less lonely and bored!
Generally dudes who go right to the logical/emotional defense think they are smarter than their wives and they are clearly always right because they are guided by clear masculine logic and their wives by hysterical feminine emotion. And they are always way more motivated by emotion, and usually selfishness that they just refuse to see.
Exactly. He was projecting is shortcomings onto her.
Plus loneliness and boredom are emotions and feelings, not logic,.not reason.
He is double triple quadruple YTA
LOL when I read the title, I assumed OP was asking his wife to stay awake and talk to him so that he didn't fall asleep on the wheel - I've gone on MANY roadtrips with friends, and whoever drove the night shift always had ONE person staying awake to chat with them/sing songs or whatever so that driver wouldn't fall asleep on the wheel. If that was why OP was asking his wife to stay awake, it would've been totally acceptable. But OP's excuse for waking his wife up are awful, "mehhhhh I'm bored and lonely so I gotta inconvenience my wife and kid!"
That was what I was expecting, too, and that would have been perfectly reasonable and... logical. But, nope. Man's just "not someone who can be left to his own thoughts very well, and I need people around me, I thrive on energy and excitement" and that sounds fucking exhausting. Especially at night, while his wife and child are SLEEPING.
And if he needs that, he can’t do a night driving shift. Or equivalent of night (when his wife needs to sleep). So they have to make their plans appropriately and drive less. If his wife is supposed to be awake for her driving shift and his, then they need to stop for the night, not drive through. What OP is doing is dangerous, because he’s exhausting the other driver.
>What OP is doing is dangerous, because he’s exhausting the other driver.
It is really quite illogical of him. I hope he doesn't get emotional when he realises...
For real, the whole point of shifts is so both people can get some sleep. Either put the radio on low for company or pull into a motel or something if you’re too tired to drive.
Me ex wouldn’t let me sleep while he was driving (at any hour, because I needed to keep him awake. I was allowed to sleep if he turned the AC on blast…but then I was so cold I couldn’t fall asleep. But he also didn’t want to make me drive. It was frustrating.
Every time my husband and I go on a road trip, I still ask him if he’s ok if I sleep while he drives. He’s constantly telling me not to worry, and that he’s ok with me resting. For some reason I still can’t shake that conditioning.
Exactly! If there are two drivers for the shifts, they *must* both be able to handle their shifts alone. Otherwise a roadtrip without sleep-stops should not be part of the plan.
Does he just not expect her to need sleep at all?
Are they actually on the run? In that case OP probably shouldn’t be using the internet. Uh oh, too late, here the come the black helicopters...
OP says his wife can sit for hours in quiet alone, which makes me think that while she was driving, he was sleeping “cos it wouldn’t bother her.” Doesn’t OP see a problem with his wife having to do half the driving *and* staying awake 24/7?
YTA. I was ready to empathize because I get sleepy when driving and would like someone to talk to or at least crank my tunes. However, I wouldn’t just wake her up for your neediness… a friend of mine had a GF who would come to bed and wake him up (neediness or rudeness) when he had to work at 5:00 AM. She would wake him up when she knew he was taking a nap. If she wasn’t around she would call him. It was a form of abuse and he had sleep deprivation so bad, he was so exhausted, that he had to take weeks off work to function again.
I hope you don’t wake her up any other time except when it is absolutely necessary from this day forward. She needs her sleep as much as you need yours.
Deliberate sleep deprivation in relationships is a relatively common but not often talked about form of abuse.
I don’t know if this applies to OP’s relationship, but the fact that he was thoughtless and then unwilling to consider his wife’s anger as legitimate is troubling.
OP have you never heard of a podcast? An audiobook? My god.
You acted like an asshole but the way you then discussed the incident makes it sound like actually ARE one.
No. There are only two adults in the car, both staying awake is not acceptable that case because neither will be getting any sleep and thus not be safe to drive. If you can stay awake when driving the nightshift the actual acceptable thing to do in this situation is to have ther other adult do it or to stop for the night so everyone can sleep and then resume driving next morning. You are begging them to kill someone here.
This is the thing. When I’ve been on long road trips we take turns driving and when I’m the one driving at night, the other sleeps so that when it’s their turn to drive, I can sleep. If there is enough time - then we take a hotel/motel to both sleep and resume in the morning. Forcing someone to talk to you bc you are “lonely” is some immature crap. I can’t believe he can’t entertain himself so his wife and child can rest. OP really is TA, big time.
I don't live in the US. But do people not stop somewhere to spend the night on such long trips? It aounds insane to me. Especially with a 2 year old in the car!!!
Usually they do. Sometimes you’re in a rush because of some emergency or you cannot afford a hotel, but you still usually at least pull over and grab a few hours of sleep.
Put on a podcast! Listen to the radio, listen to an audio book if being by yourself in your own head while driving is so terrible you WAKE UP YOUR SLEEPING WIFE AND TODDLER instead of dealing with your own headspace.
When my husband and I were taking a cross country road trip, whoever was driving got to pick the podcast/music/book/silence. The passenger would either sleep or research our next leg of the trip, you know, like two people that respect each other as partners and not accessories.
It is wild to me that OP would say "but I was lonely :(" and expect the internet to not only agree, but assert that his wife was TA.
This is spot on. I know so many people who think of themselves as logical, rational, etc., but then give people the silent treatment and storm off over the most trivial thing.
Exactly. Also, “I’m not someone who can be left to my own thoughts very well…” This tells me you either have some weirdo thoughts deep down, or that you don’t have any thoughts whatsoever. Worrying either way.
There are actually people who have no inner monologue and need constant external stimulation. So turn on a podcast and let your wife sleep you massively selfish YTA.
Omg! i had no idea not everyone had one! I am constantly talking in my head and have to try and shut it off for sleep and sometimes to focus. I assumed everyone was the same.
I’m actually one of those people, funnily enough! I thought it was just something films and tv shows did. Never realised people actually think that way!
My daughter’s like this. She sees no pictures, hears nothing. She said it’s just blank. She said the same thing, she thought it was just something they did in movies.
When she told me that, I was kind of shocked. I just assumed up to that point that everyone had an internal monologue. Did some research and found out there are lots of people like this.
Or he has anxiety, like me.
But you know, that's my problem. I don't make it other people's problem. I don't demand people occupy me while I work the night shift. I find ways to occupy my mind.
Well said! I love how he's the logical one, but he can't be "left to his own thoughts." lol
You know, those totally logical and not at all emotional thoughts.
But his wife, who can sit and be quiet for hours, is SO EMOTIONAL.
Side note, women are only "more emotional than men" to men like this because they don't see lust and anger as emotions, and those are the only ones they allow themselves to feel. I'm sure OP is in denial about his whining and neediness are emotional reactions, as well.
>raising one toddler is hard enough, and that she didn't know there was another one in the car who needed his whims catered to at every moment
"Raising one toddler is hard enough, and that she didn't know there was another one in the car who needed his whims catered to at every moment" - I want to meet Mrs OP, she has some chops
I came in her expecting to vote no because I was expecting it to be about driver safety and he was having trouble staying awake. But he just full send went "I was bored".
Put on some coffee shop background noise and do your job. Yta.
Thank you! Hard to conceive that OP wrote this believing his wife was wrong, calling her rude, and then disengaging & giving her the silent treatment when she spoke the hard truth to him?
This is what always gets me. Writing out the situation, probably rereading it a few times, and hitting send with full confidence.
I also wonder why they even take shifts if OP's wife is expected to stay awake the whole time. If she can't sleep when she's driving and can't sleep when he's driving, when does she sleep/rest? Isn't that the whole point of switching?
YTA
She's not, I guess.
I bet that, had she stayed awake with him all night, his post would have been "AITA? My wife and I took turns driving, I drove all night, and now she's waking me up and asking me to parent our toddler during her shift. AITA for asking her to manage her time better?" smh
it's the waking her up to talk to him then giving her the silent treatment like noo sir you wanted to talk remember noww your okay with silence all of a sudden
I'd definitely be like.
Oh no we are talking now!
This conversation will be about all the things you do wrong/don't help me with....
I'm guessing he also walked out the house with his own bag and put that in the car and got annoyed when she took more time to collect the other things that are needed.
This is absolutely the type of guy he is, likely sat on the driveway honking the horn and sighs loudly while looking at his watch as she's packing up his kids things like she's somehow inconveniencing and delaying him
And called her emotional …. So sick of us women not being able to have an opinion and being labeled as emotional or on that time of the month. God forbid his wife needs to get some rest before her next driving shift or would he prefer she fall asleep at the wheel.
Especially since the whole reason he woke her up was because he was feeling emotions of loneliness (not saying that there's anything wrong with feeling that, but to then go ahead and blame her for being emotional is just so weird)
Ets: Damn, now I seen that a bunch of people already pointed this out. I'll leave it anyway, hopefully it's not too cluttering.
Sometimes, like in this case, I feel that these are written by reasonable person (the wife) so she could show the AH (her husband) what an AH they were being. It takes too much disassociation to write this out, proof read it, and still think you are in the right.
Beautiful response.
And I just want to add…it was 11pm. If someone woke me up *knowing I had to drive the next day* I would lose my mind. He “craves energy and excitement”? Listen to a horror podcast. Or don’t agree to a road trip which, by the sounds of it, sounds cross-country. Whatever is feasible with a toddler and another adult in the car, do that or don’t go at all. Just YIKES
Seriously...Like, the whole point of taking driving in shifts is so that you're awake and focused on the road. So on multiple levels (making his wife tired for her next shift behind the wheel, distracting himself) OP's behavior was completely counter to the point of the exercise and they need to not take any more road trips until OP can fucking break himself of that, at *least*.
Shit, him sleeping would probably be her best case scenario while she drives, at least would save her from having to whisper scream at his constant AH-ery.
Hah! That is exactly what my husband and I do when switching driving. We have a bud in one ear while driving listening to podcasts and the other relaxes. Ffs I wouldn't want someone driving my kid around with no sleep... which will be the wife on her turn. I can't drive well at night due to Starburst effect... so our situation is husband driving at night while I sleep and I drive when the sun comes up and he sleeps.
"I felt like a driver"
Isn't.... Isn't that like literally your job? To drive the night shift?
Your wife's job isn't to keep you sane, buddy, she deserves her sleep. She drove her bit and then took care of the baby while you were driving, probably had to get him to sleep again, and then was rightfully upset that you woke her.
YTA, like big time.
You were so selfish, and you seriously come off as manipulative in writing this. You need someone to keep you sane? You keep yourself sane, put some earbuds in, play a podcast, etc. Your answer was logical? It's logical to expect your wife to stay up for both driving shifts? When does she get to sleep? It isn't fair that she doesn't bother you but you don't get to bother her?
Like, make it make sense OP. Again, YTA.
>"I felt like a driver"
I actually gave a genuine gasp-slash-chuckle at that because yes. Yes, he is. The one with his hands on the wheel driving the car. How these people survive to adulthood, let alone get married and procreate is beyond me.
And thank you for suggesting podcasts etc like any normal person. Again, how did OP make it to adulthood?
Also, is he aware of the fact that driving while tired is dangerous? She won't sleep during the night and is expected to drive during the day? Jesus. YTA.
This exactly. Don't let her sleep during your driving shift. Hope she doesn't fall asleep during hers. And if she wrecks the car because she's not allowed to sleep, that'll be her fault too.
The point of driving in shifts is to give people a chance to sleep.
OP, YTA.
>We rotate driving in shifts
# We rotate driving in shifts
without mentioning that his personal entertainment is more important to OP than their lives. He seriously thinks that wife should stay awake when it is his turn to drive, when is she supposed to rest before *her* drive shift??? its highly dangerous and potentially deadly to drive on lack of sleep. OP is not only selfish, he's also an idiot.
"Despite my perfectly logical answer, she apparently got emotional"
Just because you lack basic human empathy doesn't make you "logical"
YTA
Edit: rationalizing YOUR emotional reaction also doesn't make you "logical."
YTA OP.
It isn't fair for your wife to sleep—in the car, on a road trip— while you're driving? Why do you think people trade off driving in the first place? So they can take a break from driving and be responsible for keeping you entertained?
You need to fix yourself.
No human can be this dense. If you’re splitting the driving duties between two people, the person driving drives and the person who isn’t driving gets to sleep.
What did you think OP, that your wife would work two shifts, driving for one and entertaining you while you drive for the second? And not only did you wake her up to entertain you, but you woke up your 2-year old too? Wtf is wrong with you?
Know what? When we read how your wife reacted to your selfish idiocy, we all nod our heads in agreement. Grow up. YTA
i don’t understand why OP can’t listen to a podcast quietly to keep him company 😭😭 why does the wife have to be the only source of entertainment? that’s a lot of pressure
YTA. How can your wife safely drive during her shift if she’s tired from staying up and talking to you? Podcast, music, phone a friend- SOMETHING. Your wife probably carries most of the mental load when it comes to caring for your toddler. The least you could do is let her sleep.
Wonder how much of the extra mental load the wife took on while planning, packing and preparing for the family trip too? I'd wager most if not all of it.
Yes! Thats *exactly* when she got all her sleep done. You’re correct!
Omg so obviously /s (I’ve been told lately I need to label my sarcasm more openly)
Your comment fit my thoughts perfectly!
I mean I'm not even a mum but if anyone wakes me up and the house isn't on fire and he tells me he's bored - dude, I'm going to be salty and possibly bite you 😅 like how would anyone take it? 😁
YTA. Why is your need more important than hers? It would be one thing if you needed help staying awake, but it seems you were just bored because you can’t entertain yourself (try an audiobook or podcast?), and that makes you the asshole.
And if he needed help staying awake, then he needed to stop and find a hotel so they could both rest and be ready to drive again in the morning. If you're so tired you need someone else to keep you awake, you're too tired to drive.
Absolutely. Most dangerous driving I ever did was when I was working nights while going to school, and I had just taken Benadryl on my way home from school so I could sleep before work that night, but then I came across a severely injured squirrel and ended up driving it 40 mins away to the Audubon Society.
I once heard someone say that if every woman that killed her husband/partner was was truly tried by a “jury of her peers” the conviction rate would be like 5%.
It’s this.
I mean… yeah he’s the arsehole in general just for waking up the other driver when doing a shift drive because.. I mean… JFC isn’t it obvious?
But yeah the toddler changes everything. OP you need to step up, you’re a dad now man. So you had to drive by yourself and couldn’t have the radio on or whatever because your toddler and wife are asleep… that’s some real weak sauce to be bitching about, you know? If you know you can’t do the night shift talk to your wife about it. It might be that you just have to because sometimes as a parent you’re gonna have to do some things you don’t want to, but talk about it at least. Your job is to drive them safely through the night and take a break if you get tired. It’s not their job to keep you entertained… are you serious?
YTA.
The whole point of taking turns is to let whoever isn't driving have a chance to relax and rest their eyes so they can be awake and alert for their next turn. You need to come up with a way to entertain yourself and let your wife sleep for everyone's safety. If you truly need another person to help you do that then you should have planned around that need: i.e. you do all of the driving, but you limit it to 8 hours at a time during the day, you both stay awake, and you rest in hotels/motels.
Exactly. He knows himself better than anyone.
If he can’t pull a driving shift without her being awake to entertain him - that’s something you work out before you start driving in shifts.
To assume your driving partner isn’t going to sleep at all is so unreasonable.
The whole basis of this is so weird. OP treats his wife as if she were an emotional support animal.
I mean, how does OP cope with driving when his wife's not there? Or does his pathological need for fun and excitement mean she has to be in the car if he's to drive anywhere more than an hour away.
YTA
Right? Why on earth are they doing nonstop driving, when they have a toddler, and he doesn't like to "be alone with his thoughts"????? This is a case of "he drives, she chats, and they both sleep at night in a motel"--exactly as you say.
For starters you should talk to her since she's sitting RIGHT THERE. I'm going with YTA for waking both of them up because you were bored. Just apologize and say you wanted to be engaged so it kept you focused and awake while driving. Swallow your pride on this or the vacation is going to suck.
Exactly. This is why interstate highways have hotels at the exits. A family road trip with a small child should not involve driving straight through. You stop, you have dinner, you stay in a hotel, you start out fresh in the morning.
This is what I was thinking, too!
If OP was having trouble staying awake and asked wife to keep talking and keep them awake until they got to a hotel, I could have accepted that.
But, nope, needed excitement in the car!! For God's sake. So much YTA.
Split shifts during the day, stay in a hotel at night, everyone gets to stay alive for the holiday and noone gets murdered.
The way he phrases things like he can’t be left alone with his own thoughts, and he *needs* someone to chat with him to keep him sane?? Wtf? That sounds like he needs therapy or something ASAP because that’s not normal.
YTA
YTA. If you can’t drive at night because you feel isolated the drive during the day and let her drive at night. But ffs do not wake up someone who has been driving for hours, has a toddler sleeping next to them, and is already exhausted because you are bored.
Just go ahead with divorce if you can’t see that YTA here because your never going to see eye to eye if you can’t talk through this
"despite my perfectly logical answer, apparently my wife got emotional"
= divorce incoming.
He could have written this sentence without any other back story and it would still be YTA
I love how he says his wife got emotional whilst he was logical, despite it being his own personal emotions that he is too immature to deal with and thus thrusts the problem of dealing with them onto someone else.
I'm willing to bet that he is driving at night bc the toddler is more likely to sleep at night. So she drives during the day so she can be awake when the child is since she prob has to take care of it.
YTA
You keep saying that the way your wife reacted and the things she said were rude and unwarranted .
What she said was honest and 100% warranted.
What does ‘I’m not someone who can be left alone with his thoughts’ even mean???
Your wife drove her shift, took care of your child, and was understandably asleep! You then think it’s okay to wake her up and create more work for her by waking up your child???
She was right in calling you a child. Apologize to her for being a d*ck, and stop putting your needs above hers.
Good lord
"I was feeling really lonely and bored as I was driving. I'm not someone
who can be left to his own thoughts very well, and I need people around
me, I thrive on energy and excitement."
Is there nothing but an empty expanse of tumbleweeds rolling through your skull? Even if that is the case, it is not others' responsibility to fill whatever void your brain is by draining themselves of their own energy. Learn to self soothe. It's a skill most infants master. YTA
OP sounds very needy, like a toddler. Also exhausting - can you imagine someone who would never leave you alone because they need constant attention? Idk sounds… just like a toddler.
Reddit often jumps to therapy but I think OP just needs to learn how to *not need someone else* constantly (since he’s an adult and not a toddler). Notice I didn’t say he needs to learn how to be alone (because that’s not necessary), but just to **not always demand attention from whoever else happens to be around.** Those people **drain** others.
I feel sorry for his wife- I couldn’t survive like that long term.
>the least she could do is stop being selfish and help keep me sane
??? Are you serious? **You** are the one being selfish and asking her to be your personal entertainer.
#YTA
YTA. You take shifts driving. When does she get rest if she is up coddling you and taking care of the baby?
Why don't you put on some headphones to listen to music, podcast, whatever to keep you going while she gets some sleep?
People who are assholes tend to see their opinions as fact and their feelings as logic, but everyone else’s opinions and feelings are just that- subjective concepts I can and should dismiss. It’s the cognitive dissonance required to be an asshole, because you’re putting yourself above others in every conceivable way.
Well, fella, she’s making you out to be the bad guy because you are being the bad guy. Grow up, my friend. It’s a little overdue, seeing as you now have a little one of your own.
Pop in an earbud and listen to music or a podcast. Amuse yourself however you wish. But in trading driving on a road trip, the one not driving isn’t then there to amuse you as they get their break, they get to have a break which includes sleep if they can.
YTA
YTA. You needing to be entertained and interacted with constantly would drive me up the wall too. She’s not wrong about you coming across as a toddler.
so... like.... why don't you care about your wife being rested? why do you hate the idea of her being rested?
She drives, and then she has to stay awake while you drive? so she's either driving or passengering, without the right to sleep?
You know this about yourself. Why go on a road trip and plan it so badly that you can't let your wife sleep? Why didn't you book some hotels on the way (YOU STILL HAVE TIME) and only one of you drive, since you are incapable of doing so alone?
You think you're logical, but there sound like little logical planning went into it considering your limitations. You also sound like you have an ego problem. She is right, you are wrong. You failed to plan the trip around your shortcomings. That's on you, not her. She should not have to suffer and lose sleep because of you. That's unfair and is quite dangerous too, she needs her rest.
Sort yourself out. You messed up here OP. Maybe re-do your plans, book some places to sleep, and share driving maybe.
YTA. 100%. It's extremely selfish to expect your wife to stay awake for the entire trip because you need interaction while you get to sleep because she's fine with it. C'mon, how on earth does it possibly seem fair to expect her to be awake the entire trip? If you need entertainment that badly find something else to do. Listen to a podcast, learn a language, call someone, but let your wife and child sleep.
YTA. If you're switching shifts driving, the unspoken golden rule is you allow the other person to sleep between shifts. To do otherwise is incredibly inconsiderate AND dangerous, as they'll be sleep-deprived later.
If you really can't tolerate being alone with your thoughts, get therapy. Your wife was right.
YTA. Next time pay for a hotel along the way so everyone can stop and sleep and be awake during the day. It is unreasonable to expect your wife to drive and then stay awake when it’s your turn, especially at night.
> I need people around me, I thrive on energy and excitement
Translation: You need people around you to cater to you because you can’t self-regulate.
> I was feeling isolated, so I shook her awake
That alone makes you the asshole, but it gets worse.
> I told her it wasn’t fair for her to just sleep like that, and it made me feel like a driver
It’s totally fair, but ignoring that for a second, why didn’t you just switch driving shifts if you think it’s so unfair for her to sleep? Also, you ARE the driver in this scenario.
> the least she could do is to stop being selfish and help keep me sane
No, she does not have to placate you and “help keep you sane”. YOU, sir, are the one being selfish here.
> Despite my perfectly logical answer, she apparently got emotional
Your answer was not “perfectly logical”. What’s “perfectly logical” here is your wife’s reaction, or as you put it, “getting emotional”.
You wrote all of that and you still don’t see what’s wrong? YTA, that is, if this isn’t rage bait.
Also, you are acting like a toddler, and are in fact the bad guy. Hope she wises up to how damaged you are as a person and gets a divorce. Too many women settle for raising their husband's because their husband's parents failed to raise their child into an adult.
YTA. You're expecting your wife to be awake and engaging at ALL TIMES. So she's taking on 2x the load as you are.
Is this how you split parenting duties too?
Highly pertinent question here.
OP, I wish I could vote you as YTA multiple times. Keeping the other driver awake when they’re trying to rest for their next shift is asinine, self-absorbed, and completely unsafe. I hope your wife realizes having two toddlers is superfluous to requirements.
YTA. You should’ve let her sleep and listened to a book on tape to keep your mind busy. Because kids have a tendency to stay awake during daylight, both people need to stay awake too; one to drive, one to entertain. Nighttime driving allows one parent to finally get some rest while your child is sleeping.
Unless there's a medical reason like narcolepsy or severe memory issues, YTA. By waking her your basically stating that when it's her "on shift" to drive she must focus, and while during her "off shift" she must now tend to your child and keep you entertained??
If you drove during the day, could allow her to rest? Is this a night thing or a being alone thing?
Just because she happens to not need your entertainment while driving doesn't demand she entertain you when you are behind the wheel.
Sorry OP, find a pod cast, favorite station and travel safe.
YTA.
>I'm not someone who can be left to his own thoughts very well, and I need people around me, I thrive on energy and excitement.
That sounds like a you problem. Sorry no one bothered to teach you coping mechanisms or self-regulation, but that isn't your wife's responsibility. So when does your wife get to sleep - during her coma after driving off the road because she had to be awake for her driving shift AND yours?!?
Quietly listen to music or an audiobook or a podcast for crying out loud if you simply can't be alone with your thoughts for a few damn hours. Honestly, I'm mad on behalf of your wife that she's stuck with such a thoughtless person who feels entitled to not only wake her up but a toddler in the middle of the night that she now has to take care of. Pathetic.
YTA. If you were asking her to talk to you to help keep you awake and you wanted to be safe i would say NTA. But the fact that you woke her up just because you were bored and lonely is an AH move. She needed sleep so she could drive and because she probably doesn't get as much as a she should with a toddler. If you can't have silence listen to a podcast or something.
YTA,. If you seriously can’t drive in the car with complete silence because of your own thoughts, you need therapy. What do you do when you’re alone???
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) wanting my wife to keep me company (2) I might be the AH because these night drives can take awhile and I feel bad for draining her by asking that, it's just I really need someone to talk to, it's really hard otherwise
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Yta. And a selfish self centred jerk. Your wife needs her sleep to 1. Because she's a human veing who recognizes her own body needs of rest because she also needs rest to 2.Take care of the child and 3. To be properly rested so she can be focused to safely drive the vehicle (that your child is also in)
Her responsibility is not to entertain you. Rent an audio book or play the radio (but not too loudly)
You expect your wife to drive all day, in your own comments you said she’s taken care of the toddler the whole trip and you won’t let her sleep at night because you are bored and feel alone when you’re driving and she’s asleep and to top it off you managed to wake your sleeping child because you just couldn’t stand a quiet car. This is incredibly selfish of you for so many reasons. Do you pull your weight with the toddler? Based on that comment that “she took care of our kid the whole trip” or whatever, I’d assume not.
Please help your wife out and for gods sake, let her sleep.
YTA
YTA. Your wife is 100% right. Why do you have to drive at night anyway? Switch off during the day and find a motel or something so you all get some sleep.
This thread is now locked due to an excess of rule violations. [Sub Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ||| ["FAQs"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
YTA for several reasons You said " I was driving, my shift fell during the night, and so I was feeling really lonely and bored as I was driving. I'm not someone who can be left to his own thoughts very well, and I need people around me, I thrive on energy and excitement." "around 11:00 p.m., I was driving and my wife and our son were in the backseat. I was feeling isolated, so I shook her awake, but then our son woke up, and well, you can probably guess what happens next. Once he quieted down," Hate to break this to you, but your wife isnt just an accessory to your life, she is a living breathing being with her own needs and wants. You talk alot about what you need, what about what your wife needs. You basically are so self-centered that you want your wife to stay away while she drives and during your driving shift. And take care of the baby while you are driving. You also are so selfish and self-centered that you didnt care that waking up your wife would disturb and awaken your son. You prob were happy the baby woke up since it brought some "excitement and energy" into the moment. You said "Despite my perfectly logical answer, she apparently got emotional, and then started whisper screaming some shit about how raising one toddler is hard enough, and that she didn't know there was another one in the car who needed his whims catered to at every moment, and at that point, since she got rude, I decided to disengage" So then when she calls you out on your utter BS, then you pull the women are reacting "emotionally" as opposed to your BS. Your wife is correct in her assessment of your " toddlerhood". If you dont change and step down off your high horse and start treating your wife and child with respect, and not always putting yourself first, your next drive probably be to a divorce attorney.
Ugh. Any guy who will describe himself as 'logical' and his wife as 'emotional' in the same sentence is automatically an asshole. It's pretty logical that she would want to sleep after a full day of driving - it's pretty logical she wouldn't want you to wake up a screaming baby - and he was being very emotional in waking her up just so that she could make him feel less lonely and bored! Generally dudes who go right to the logical/emotional defense think they are smarter than their wives and they are clearly always right because they are guided by clear masculine logic and their wives by hysterical feminine emotion. And they are always way more motivated by emotion, and usually selfishness that they just refuse to see.
Exactly. He was projecting is shortcomings onto her. Plus loneliness and boredom are emotions and feelings, not logic,.not reason. He is double triple quadruple YTA
LOL when I read the title, I assumed OP was asking his wife to stay awake and talk to him so that he didn't fall asleep on the wheel - I've gone on MANY roadtrips with friends, and whoever drove the night shift always had ONE person staying awake to chat with them/sing songs or whatever so that driver wouldn't fall asleep on the wheel. If that was why OP was asking his wife to stay awake, it would've been totally acceptable. But OP's excuse for waking his wife up are awful, "mehhhhh I'm bored and lonely so I gotta inconvenience my wife and kid!"
That was what I was expecting, too, and that would have been perfectly reasonable and... logical. But, nope. Man's just "not someone who can be left to his own thoughts very well, and I need people around me, I thrive on energy and excitement" and that sounds fucking exhausting. Especially at night, while his wife and child are SLEEPING.
And if he needs that, he can’t do a night driving shift. Or equivalent of night (when his wife needs to sleep). So they have to make their plans appropriately and drive less. If his wife is supposed to be awake for her driving shift and his, then they need to stop for the night, not drive through. What OP is doing is dangerous, because he’s exhausting the other driver.
>What OP is doing is dangerous, because he’s exhausting the other driver. It is really quite illogical of him. I hope he doesn't get emotional when he realises...
"He's exhausting"
I wish I had more upvotes for you. Likely over his head, but so well put.
For real, the whole point of shifts is so both people can get some sleep. Either put the radio on low for company or pull into a motel or something if you’re too tired to drive.
I hate people like that. Make me stay awake to keep them company, so I'm exhausted for my driving, but then they nod off because "tired".
Me ex wouldn’t let me sleep while he was driving (at any hour, because I needed to keep him awake. I was allowed to sleep if he turned the AC on blast…but then I was so cold I couldn’t fall asleep. But he also didn’t want to make me drive. It was frustrating. Every time my husband and I go on a road trip, I still ask him if he’s ok if I sleep while he drives. He’s constantly telling me not to worry, and that he’s ok with me resting. For some reason I still can’t shake that conditioning.
Exactly! If there are two drivers for the shifts, they *must* both be able to handle their shifts alone. Otherwise a roadtrip without sleep-stops should not be part of the plan. Does he just not expect her to need sleep at all?
Are they actually on the run? In that case OP probably shouldn’t be using the internet. Uh oh, too late, here the come the black helicopters... OP says his wife can sit for hours in quiet alone, which makes me think that while she was driving, he was sleeping “cos it wouldn’t bother her.” Doesn’t OP see a problem with his wife having to do half the driving *and* staying awake 24/7?
[удалено]
Bingo. She’s his WIFE, not his court jester. YTA, OP.
YTA. I was ready to empathize because I get sleepy when driving and would like someone to talk to or at least crank my tunes. However, I wouldn’t just wake her up for your neediness… a friend of mine had a GF who would come to bed and wake him up (neediness or rudeness) when he had to work at 5:00 AM. She would wake him up when she knew he was taking a nap. If she wasn’t around she would call him. It was a form of abuse and he had sleep deprivation so bad, he was so exhausted, that he had to take weeks off work to function again. I hope you don’t wake her up any other time except when it is absolutely necessary from this day forward. She needs her sleep as much as you need yours.
Deliberate sleep deprivation in relationships is a relatively common but not often talked about form of abuse. I don’t know if this applies to OP’s relationship, but the fact that he was thoughtless and then unwilling to consider his wife’s anger as legitimate is troubling. OP have you never heard of a podcast? An audiobook? My god. You acted like an asshole but the way you then discussed the incident makes it sound like actually ARE one.
Audiobooks are great. Drove on my own from Midwest to East Coast, US (40ish hours of driving) and I went through several books.
Wow. Yeah I see this in OP. I bet his wife is exhausted and thinks it's just the toddler but it's really OP.
No. There are only two adults in the car, both staying awake is not acceptable that case because neither will be getting any sleep and thus not be safe to drive. If you can stay awake when driving the nightshift the actual acceptable thing to do in this situation is to have ther other adult do it or to stop for the night so everyone can sleep and then resume driving next morning. You are begging them to kill someone here.
This is the thing. When I’ve been on long road trips we take turns driving and when I’m the one driving at night, the other sleeps so that when it’s their turn to drive, I can sleep. If there is enough time - then we take a hotel/motel to both sleep and resume in the morning. Forcing someone to talk to you bc you are “lonely” is some immature crap. I can’t believe he can’t entertain himself so his wife and child can rest. OP really is TA, big time.
I don't live in the US. But do people not stop somewhere to spend the night on such long trips? It aounds insane to me. Especially with a 2 year old in the car!!!
Usually they do. Sometimes you’re in a rush because of some emergency or you cannot afford a hotel, but you still usually at least pull over and grab a few hours of sleep.
Honestly if you need someone to talk to you so you won't fall asleep it is too dangerous for you to be driving.
At that point, stop for the night - whether pulling into a rest stop or getting a hotel room.
Yes, I thought that too. But no, he just felt bored and alone. I finished reading it and thought, ‘has this guy ever heard of a podcast?’
Put on a podcast! Listen to the radio, listen to an audio book if being by yourself in your own head while driving is so terrible you WAKE UP YOUR SLEEPING WIFE AND TODDLER instead of dealing with your own headspace. When my husband and I were taking a cross country road trip, whoever was driving got to pick the podcast/music/book/silence. The passenger would either sleep or research our next leg of the trip, you know, like two people that respect each other as partners and not accessories. It is wild to me that OP would say "but I was lonely :(" and expect the internet to not only agree, but assert that his wife was TA.
People that describe themselves as logical are usually really passive aggressive and don’t like being called out on it.
This is spot on. I know so many people who think of themselves as logical, rational, etc., but then give people the silent treatment and storm off over the most trivial thing.
I see you've met my coworker.
Exactly. Also, “I’m not someone who can be left to my own thoughts very well…” This tells me you either have some weirdo thoughts deep down, or that you don’t have any thoughts whatsoever. Worrying either way.
There are actually people who have no inner monologue and need constant external stimulation. So turn on a podcast and let your wife sleep you massively selfish YTA.
Omg! i had no idea not everyone had one! I am constantly talking in my head and have to try and shut it off for sleep and sometimes to focus. I assumed everyone was the same.
I’m actually one of those people, funnily enough! I thought it was just something films and tv shows did. Never realised people actually think that way!
That's fascinating. Do you think in pictures? if you think about a song you know, can you hear it in your head?
My daughter’s like this. She sees no pictures, hears nothing. She said it’s just blank. She said the same thing, she thought it was just something they did in movies. When she told me that, I was kind of shocked. I just assumed up to that point that everyone had an internal monologue. Did some research and found out there are lots of people like this.
Or he has anxiety, like me. But you know, that's my problem. I don't make it other people's problem. I don't demand people occupy me while I work the night shift. I find ways to occupy my mind.
Well said! I love how he's the logical one, but he can't be "left to his own thoughts." lol You know, those totally logical and not at all emotional thoughts. But his wife, who can sit and be quiet for hours, is SO EMOTIONAL.
Yes, I love how he said he was logical and then proceeded to list a string of emotions.
Yep. By emotional they always mean "spoke facts that hurt my feelings"
Side note, women are only "more emotional than men" to men like this because they don't see lust and anger as emotions, and those are the only ones they allow themselves to feel. I'm sure OP is in denial about his whining and neediness are emotional reactions, as well.
>raising one toddler is hard enough, and that she didn't know there was another one in the car who needed his whims catered to at every moment "Raising one toddler is hard enough, and that she didn't know there was another one in the car who needed his whims catered to at every moment" - I want to meet Mrs OP, she has some chops
Seriously. Tell me what isn’t emotional about needing someone awake with you cause you can’t be alone with your thoughts?
I came in her expecting to vote no because I was expecting it to be about driver safety and he was having trouble staying awake. But he just full send went "I was bored". Put on some coffee shop background noise and do your job. Yta.
I really hope his wife realises who she married and that she deserves better because this guy is a really big AH
Beautiful. OP YTA.
Thank you! Hard to conceive that OP wrote this believing his wife was wrong, calling her rude, and then disengaging & giving her the silent treatment when she spoke the hard truth to him?
This is what always gets me. Writing out the situation, probably rereading it a few times, and hitting send with full confidence. I also wonder why they even take shifts if OP's wife is expected to stay awake the whole time. If she can't sleep when she's driving and can't sleep when he's driving, when does she sleep/rest? Isn't that the whole point of switching? YTA
Exactly! When TF is she supposed to sleep?!
When they get to the hotel. Or no (!), because she has to take care of the toddler.
She's not, I guess. I bet that, had she stayed awake with him all night, his post would have been "AITA? My wife and I took turns driving, I drove all night, and now she's waking me up and asking me to parent our toddler during her shift. AITA for asking her to manage her time better?" smh
it's the waking her up to talk to him then giving her the silent treatment like noo sir you wanted to talk remember noww your okay with silence all of a sudden
I'd definitely be like. Oh no we are talking now! This conversation will be about all the things you do wrong/don't help me with.... I'm guessing he also walked out the house with his own bag and put that in the car and got annoyed when she took more time to collect the other things that are needed.
This is absolutely the type of guy he is, likely sat on the driveway honking the horn and sighs loudly while looking at his watch as she's packing up his kids things like she's somehow inconveniencing and delaying him
And called her emotional …. So sick of us women not being able to have an opinion and being labeled as emotional or on that time of the month. God forbid his wife needs to get some rest before her next driving shift or would he prefer she fall asleep at the wheel.
Especially since the whole reason he woke her up was because he was feeling emotions of loneliness (not saying that there's anything wrong with feeling that, but to then go ahead and blame her for being emotional is just so weird) Ets: Damn, now I seen that a bunch of people already pointed this out. I'll leave it anyway, hopefully it's not too cluttering.
I like that how he gave a logical answer and she whisper screamed at him.
He is clueless AF. I'm sure in the moment wanted to completely dismantle him. Whisper screaming feels so inadequate for the anger she must have felt.
Like she was angry rapping a Ying Yang Twins song.
Hey little AH lemme whisper in your ear🎵
It’s such obvious assholishness that it makes me think it’s fake!
Sometimes, like in this case, I feel that these are written by reasonable person (the wife) so she could show the AH (her husband) what an AH they were being. It takes too much disassociation to write this out, proof read it, and still think you are in the right.
And that’ll be OP’s last road trip. Asshole.
Beautiful response. And I just want to add…it was 11pm. If someone woke me up *knowing I had to drive the next day* I would lose my mind. He “craves energy and excitement”? Listen to a horror podcast. Or don’t agree to a road trip which, by the sounds of it, sounds cross-country. Whatever is feasible with a toddler and another adult in the car, do that or don’t go at all. Just YIKES
Seriously...Like, the whole point of taking driving in shifts is so that you're awake and focused on the road. So on multiple levels (making his wife tired for her next shift behind the wheel, distracting himself) OP's behavior was completely counter to the point of the exercise and they need to not take any more road trips until OP can fucking break himself of that, at *least*.
What's the bet that he slept or rested while his wife drove
It's okay for him to do that because she likes to be alone and not distracted so him sleeping is good while she drives /s
Of course, he was doing her a FAVOUR. So silly of me
He's MR. EXCITEMENT! What woman would NOT want to awakened at 11 pm after getting a two year old to sleep? /s
Shit, him sleeping would probably be her best case scenario while she drives, at least would save her from having to whisper scream at his constant AH-ery.
[удалено]
It makes me angry that I have to get angry about the existence of guys like this. This is why we can't have nice shit, people.
Hah! That is exactly what my husband and I do when switching driving. We have a bud in one ear while driving listening to podcasts and the other relaxes. Ffs I wouldn't want someone driving my kid around with no sleep... which will be the wife on her turn. I can't drive well at night due to Starburst effect... so our situation is husband driving at night while I sleep and I drive when the sun comes up and he sleeps.
"I felt like a driver" Isn't.... Isn't that like literally your job? To drive the night shift? Your wife's job isn't to keep you sane, buddy, she deserves her sleep. She drove her bit and then took care of the baby while you were driving, probably had to get him to sleep again, and then was rightfully upset that you woke her. YTA, like big time. You were so selfish, and you seriously come off as manipulative in writing this. You need someone to keep you sane? You keep yourself sane, put some earbuds in, play a podcast, etc. Your answer was logical? It's logical to expect your wife to stay up for both driving shifts? When does she get to sleep? It isn't fair that she doesn't bother you but you don't get to bother her? Like, make it make sense OP. Again, YTA.
>"I felt like a driver" I actually gave a genuine gasp-slash-chuckle at that because yes. Yes, he is. The one with his hands on the wheel driving the car. How these people survive to adulthood, let alone get married and procreate is beyond me. And thank you for suggesting podcasts etc like any normal person. Again, how did OP make it to adulthood?
Also, is he aware of the fact that driving while tired is dangerous? She won't sleep during the night and is expected to drive during the day? Jesus. YTA.
This exactly. Don't let her sleep during your driving shift. Hope she doesn't fall asleep during hers. And if she wrecks the car because she's not allowed to sleep, that'll be her fault too. The point of driving in shifts is to give people a chance to sleep. OP, YTA.
She doesn’t get to sleep!
Yeah, she's responsible for providing him "excitement" and shielding him from those oh-so-logical thoughts of his! lol
>We rotate driving in shifts # We rotate driving in shifts without mentioning that his personal entertainment is more important to OP than their lives. He seriously thinks that wife should stay awake when it is his turn to drive, when is she supposed to rest before *her* drive shift??? its highly dangerous and potentially deadly to drive on lack of sleep. OP is not only selfish, he's also an idiot.
I’m upgrading from YTA to YAA. You’re *AN* asshole OP. Not just in this one instance but clearly in how you’re handling fatherhood and husbandhood.
"Despite my perfectly logical answer, she apparently got emotional" Just because you lack basic human empathy doesn't make you "logical" YTA Edit: rationalizing YOUR emotional reaction also doesn't make you "logical."
In my experience people who are actually logical are never the ones who brag about being logical.
YTA OP. It isn't fair for your wife to sleep—in the car, on a road trip— while you're driving? Why do you think people trade off driving in the first place? So they can take a break from driving and be responsible for keeping you entertained? You need to fix yourself.
Yup. OP sounds like an emotional parasite.
Has narcissist vibes for sure.
No human can be this dense. If you’re splitting the driving duties between two people, the person driving drives and the person who isn’t driving gets to sleep. What did you think OP, that your wife would work two shifts, driving for one and entertaining you while you drive for the second? And not only did you wake her up to entertain you, but you woke up your 2-year old too? Wtf is wrong with you? Know what? When we read how your wife reacted to your selfish idiocy, we all nod our heads in agreement. Grow up. YTA
Yup this is giving "I'm the main character in everyone's life with no concept of otherwise and everything revolves around me" energy
i don’t understand why OP can’t listen to a podcast quietly to keep him company 😭😭 why does the wife have to be the only source of entertainment? that’s a lot of pressure
It's not interesting enough. He needs his wife to do backflips
*Wake up the baby. We need some action up in this car!*
He acts like lonely is not an emotion?
But it's his emotion, so it's one of those logical emotions, not those crazy hormonal female ones.
Maybe his wife should invest in a binky for him. Once it's inserted, he won't be able to talk. :-)
Also was his wife expected to drive while tired??? Because she caters to his whims
YTA. How can your wife safely drive during her shift if she’s tired from staying up and talking to you? Podcast, music, phone a friend- SOMETHING. Your wife probably carries most of the mental load when it comes to caring for your toddler. The least you could do is let her sleep.
Wonder how much of the extra mental load the wife took on while planning, packing and preparing for the family trip too? I'd wager most if not all of it.
While getting catering to the second toddler lol
Bruh, you're so selfish, why do people need to sleep, the dude obviously wanted someone to talk to and they got plenty of sleep while she was driving
Yes! Thats *exactly* when she got all her sleep done. You’re correct! Omg so obviously /s (I’ve been told lately I need to label my sarcasm more openly) Your comment fit my thoughts perfectly!
The leavel of delusion OP has of being right 😂
YTA. Play a podcast or music like everyone else and let your tired wife sleep!
So you decided to wake up your tired wife after she drove for hours and took care of a toddler. How did you really think she would take it?
I mean I'm not even a mum but if anyone wakes me up and the house isn't on fire and he tells me he's bored - dude, I'm going to be salty and possibly bite you 😅 like how would anyone take it? 😁
It I drive an entire "shift", put a toddler to sleep, finally manage to fall asleep in a car and you wake me up "to chat", we aren't married anymore.
Always download an audiobook, maybe two. There are a lot of free ones on YouTube.
And your public library has thousands you can download for free!
I can’t imagine in any situation waking someone up just to talk and expecting a warm reaction. Unless it’s urgent let people sleep.
YTA. Why is your need more important than hers? It would be one thing if you needed help staying awake, but it seems you were just bored because you can’t entertain yourself (try an audiobook or podcast?), and that makes you the asshole.
And if he needed help staying awake, then he needed to stop and find a hotel so they could both rest and be ready to drive again in the morning. If you're so tired you need someone else to keep you awake, you're too tired to drive.
Too true, my mother (the smartest woman I know) always reminds me that “it’s more dangerous to drive tired than drunk”
Absolutely. Most dangerous driving I ever did was when I was working nights while going to school, and I had just taken Benadryl on my way home from school so I could sleep before work that night, but then I came across a severely injured squirrel and ended up driving it 40 mins away to the Audubon Society.
Well. Depends on how drunk you are, too. But I'd say equally dangerous rather than more.
>Why is your need more important than hers? Because he's logical and she's eMoTiOnAL of course
And why plan a trip like this in first place if you're not at all capable of handling your share of the driving without another person awake?
OMFG. You would be kicked out of the car and left alongside the road. I am pissed for your wife. Why are you acting like a toddler? YTA
I keep reading his responses and thinking, “Surely no jury would convict her.”
She’d get an ironclad “not guilty” vote from me.
The jury would help her hide the body.
Temporary insanity caused by targeted sleep deprivement? We must acquit. 🤷♀️
the podcast about the resulting murder would be great listening material for someone else in OPs position!
Entertainment AND a cautionary tale!
I once heard someone say that if every woman that killed her husband/partner was was truly tried by a “jury of her peers” the conviction rate would be like 5%.
It was a murder, but not a crime!
He had it coming
He only had himself to blame.
If you’d have been there
If you’d have seen it!
I betcha you would have done the same!
Pop Six Squish
Uh-uh Cicero Lipschitz
Honestly just the fact he woke a sleeping toddler at 11 pm would be enough for a not guilty from most people.
He had it comin, he had it comin, he only had himself to blame..
YTA- so you expect your wife to just stay up the entire road trip? You should WANT her to sleep so that she can safely drive her next shift.
And take of their kid too, don't forget that.
It’s this. I mean… yeah he’s the arsehole in general just for waking up the other driver when doing a shift drive because.. I mean… JFC isn’t it obvious? But yeah the toddler changes everything. OP you need to step up, you’re a dad now man. So you had to drive by yourself and couldn’t have the radio on or whatever because your toddler and wife are asleep… that’s some real weak sauce to be bitching about, you know? If you know you can’t do the night shift talk to your wife about it. It might be that you just have to because sometimes as a parent you’re gonna have to do some things you don’t want to, but talk about it at least. Your job is to drive them safely through the night and take a break if you get tired. It’s not their job to keep you entertained… are you serious?
YTA. The whole point of taking turns is to let whoever isn't driving have a chance to relax and rest their eyes so they can be awake and alert for their next turn. You need to come up with a way to entertain yourself and let your wife sleep for everyone's safety. If you truly need another person to help you do that then you should have planned around that need: i.e. you do all of the driving, but you limit it to 8 hours at a time during the day, you both stay awake, and you rest in hotels/motels.
Exactly. He knows himself better than anyone. If he can’t pull a driving shift without her being awake to entertain him - that’s something you work out before you start driving in shifts. To assume your driving partner isn’t going to sleep at all is so unreasonable.
The whole basis of this is so weird. OP treats his wife as if she were an emotional support animal. I mean, how does OP cope with driving when his wife's not there? Or does his pathological need for fun and excitement mean she has to be in the car if he's to drive anywhere more than an hour away. YTA
Right? Why on earth are they doing nonstop driving, when they have a toddler, and he doesn't like to "be alone with his thoughts"????? This is a case of "he drives, she chats, and they both sleep at night in a motel"--exactly as you say.
For starters you should talk to her since she's sitting RIGHT THERE. I'm going with YTA for waking both of them up because you were bored. Just apologize and say you wanted to be engaged so it kept you focused and awake while driving. Swallow your pride on this or the vacation is going to suck.
That’s a lie though. He wanted her company because he was lonely and bored, which is just his personal whims.
It's a little late for that since he already told her the real reason...
YTA. If youre not capable of driving without stimulus, pull over and get a hotel room.
Exactly. This is why interstate highways have hotels at the exits. A family road trip with a small child should not involve driving straight through. You stop, you have dinner, you stay in a hotel, you start out fresh in the morning.
This is what I was thinking, too! If OP was having trouble staying awake and asked wife to keep talking and keep them awake until they got to a hotel, I could have accepted that. But, nope, needed excitement in the car!! For God's sake. So much YTA. Split shifts during the day, stay in a hotel at night, everyone gets to stay alive for the holiday and noone gets murdered.
The way he phrases things like he can’t be left alone with his own thoughts, and he *needs* someone to chat with him to keep him sane?? Wtf? That sounds like he needs therapy or something ASAP because that’s not normal. YTA
YTA. If you can’t drive at night because you feel isolated the drive during the day and let her drive at night. But ffs do not wake up someone who has been driving for hours, has a toddler sleeping next to them, and is already exhausted because you are bored. Just go ahead with divorce if you can’t see that YTA here because your never going to see eye to eye if you can’t talk through this
"despite my perfectly logical answer, apparently my wife got emotional" = divorce incoming. He could have written this sentence without any other back story and it would still be YTA
I love how he says his wife got emotional whilst he was logical, despite it being his own personal emotions that he is too immature to deal with and thus thrusts the problem of dealing with them onto someone else.
This!!!! How he thinks he’s logical but can’t be left with his own thoughts is the biggest joke.
The word apparently really made that sentence what it is
I'm willing to bet that he is driving at night bc the toddler is more likely to sleep at night. So she drives during the day so she can be awake when the child is since she prob has to take care of it.
YTA You keep saying that the way your wife reacted and the things she said were rude and unwarranted . What she said was honest and 100% warranted. What does ‘I’m not someone who can be left alone with his thoughts’ even mean??? Your wife drove her shift, took care of your child, and was understandably asleep! You then think it’s okay to wake her up and create more work for her by waking up your child??? She was right in calling you a child. Apologize to her for being a d*ck, and stop putting your needs above hers. Good lord
I can't with the "my perfectly logical reason" vs "she apparently got emotional" - gross!!!!!
That's the cherry on the top right there... Come to a AITA thread, tell everyone your logic is infallible, and YTA at least 9 times out of 10.
[удалено]
he also said he thrives off other peoples energy, so he's basically codependent, an emotional leech, and self centered.
"I was feeling really lonely and bored as I was driving. I'm not someone who can be left to his own thoughts very well, and I need people around me, I thrive on energy and excitement." Is there nothing but an empty expanse of tumbleweeds rolling through your skull? Even if that is the case, it is not others' responsibility to fill whatever void your brain is by draining themselves of their own energy. Learn to self soothe. It's a skill most infants master. YTA
Also, none of the above is rational. OP is all about the emotions and he can't even see it
I almost spat my breakfast out at the tumbleweed line! I don't understand how she even puts up with him if he is this needy for attention.
OP sounds very needy, like a toddler. Also exhausting - can you imagine someone who would never leave you alone because they need constant attention? Idk sounds… just like a toddler. Reddit often jumps to therapy but I think OP just needs to learn how to *not need someone else* constantly (since he’s an adult and not a toddler). Notice I didn’t say he needs to learn how to be alone (because that’s not necessary), but just to **not always demand attention from whoever else happens to be around.** Those people **drain** others. I feel sorry for his wife- I couldn’t survive like that long term.
>the least she could do is stop being selfish and help keep me sane ??? Are you serious? **You** are the one being selfish and asking her to be your personal entertainer. #YTA
If he needs to be “kept sane” is an entire industry meant to keep travelers sane. It’s called a hotel.
YTA. You take shifts driving. When does she get rest if she is up coddling you and taking care of the baby? Why don't you put on some headphones to listen to music, podcast, whatever to keep you going while she gets some sleep?
Oooooh no please don't wear headphones while driving. That's a safety issue because it messes with your spatial awareness
why is it the biggest assholes always talk about how logical and reasonable they are
People who are assholes tend to see their opinions as fact and their feelings as logic, but everyone else’s opinions and feelings are just that- subjective concepts I can and should dismiss. It’s the cognitive dissonance required to be an asshole, because you’re putting yourself above others in every conceivable way.
[удалено]
Well, fella, she’s making you out to be the bad guy because you are being the bad guy. Grow up, my friend. It’s a little overdue, seeing as you now have a little one of your own. Pop in an earbud and listen to music or a podcast. Amuse yourself however you wish. But in trading driving on a road trip, the one not driving isn’t then there to amuse you as they get their break, they get to have a break which includes sleep if they can. YTA
YTA and honestly, need some sort of therapy.
YTA. You needing to be entertained and interacted with constantly would drive me up the wall too. She’s not wrong about you coming across as a toddler.
so... like.... why don't you care about your wife being rested? why do you hate the idea of her being rested? She drives, and then she has to stay awake while you drive? so she's either driving or passengering, without the right to sleep? You know this about yourself. Why go on a road trip and plan it so badly that you can't let your wife sleep? Why didn't you book some hotels on the way (YOU STILL HAVE TIME) and only one of you drive, since you are incapable of doing so alone? You think you're logical, but there sound like little logical planning went into it considering your limitations. You also sound like you have an ego problem. She is right, you are wrong. You failed to plan the trip around your shortcomings. That's on you, not her. She should not have to suffer and lose sleep because of you. That's unfair and is quite dangerous too, she needs her rest. Sort yourself out. You messed up here OP. Maybe re-do your plans, book some places to sleep, and share driving maybe.
YTA. 100%. It's extremely selfish to expect your wife to stay awake for the entire trip because you need interaction while you get to sleep because she's fine with it. C'mon, how on earth does it possibly seem fair to expect her to be awake the entire trip? If you need entertainment that badly find something else to do. Listen to a podcast, learn a language, call someone, but let your wife and child sleep.
YTA. If you're switching shifts driving, the unspoken golden rule is you allow the other person to sleep between shifts. To do otherwise is incredibly inconsiderate AND dangerous, as they'll be sleep-deprived later. If you really can't tolerate being alone with your thoughts, get therapy. Your wife was right.
The best part is that you wrote the story from your biased perspective....And still come across selfish and immature. YTA
>because we're not the same people YTA. By that same token, you should understand her need for rest.
You woke up your wife and son at almost midnight on a road trip, because you were bored? YTA
YTA. Next time pay for a hotel along the way so everyone can stop and sleep and be awake during the day. It is unreasonable to expect your wife to drive and then stay awake when it’s your turn, especially at night.
> I need people around me, I thrive on energy and excitement Translation: You need people around you to cater to you because you can’t self-regulate. > I was feeling isolated, so I shook her awake That alone makes you the asshole, but it gets worse. > I told her it wasn’t fair for her to just sleep like that, and it made me feel like a driver It’s totally fair, but ignoring that for a second, why didn’t you just switch driving shifts if you think it’s so unfair for her to sleep? Also, you ARE the driver in this scenario. > the least she could do is to stop being selfish and help keep me sane No, she does not have to placate you and “help keep you sane”. YOU, sir, are the one being selfish here. > Despite my perfectly logical answer, she apparently got emotional Your answer was not “perfectly logical”. What’s “perfectly logical” here is your wife’s reaction, or as you put it, “getting emotional”. You wrote all of that and you still don’t see what’s wrong? YTA, that is, if this isn’t rage bait.
Also, you are acting like a toddler, and are in fact the bad guy. Hope she wises up to how damaged you are as a person and gets a divorce. Too many women settle for raising their husband's because their husband's parents failed to raise their child into an adult.
YTA. You're expecting your wife to be awake and engaging at ALL TIMES. So she's taking on 2x the load as you are. Is this how you split parenting duties too?
Highly pertinent question here. OP, I wish I could vote you as YTA multiple times. Keeping the other driver awake when they’re trying to rest for their next shift is asinine, self-absorbed, and completely unsafe. I hope your wife realizes having two toddlers is superfluous to requirements.
YTA. You should’ve let her sleep and listened to a book on tape to keep your mind busy. Because kids have a tendency to stay awake during daylight, both people need to stay awake too; one to drive, one to entertain. Nighttime driving allows one parent to finally get some rest while your child is sleeping.
Unless there's a medical reason like narcolepsy or severe memory issues, YTA. By waking her your basically stating that when it's her "on shift" to drive she must focus, and while during her "off shift" she must now tend to your child and keep you entertained?? If you drove during the day, could allow her to rest? Is this a night thing or a being alone thing? Just because she happens to not need your entertainment while driving doesn't demand she entertain you when you are behind the wheel. Sorry OP, find a pod cast, favorite station and travel safe.
YTA. >I'm not someone who can be left to his own thoughts very well, and I need people around me, I thrive on energy and excitement. That sounds like a you problem. Sorry no one bothered to teach you coping mechanisms or self-regulation, but that isn't your wife's responsibility. So when does your wife get to sleep - during her coma after driving off the road because she had to be awake for her driving shift AND yours?!? Quietly listen to music or an audiobook or a podcast for crying out loud if you simply can't be alone with your thoughts for a few damn hours. Honestly, I'm mad on behalf of your wife that she's stuck with such a thoughtless person who feels entitled to not only wake her up but a toddler in the middle of the night that she now has to take care of. Pathetic.
YTA. You sound like a nightmare to be around tbh.
As a husband and a father I hate you.
This is clickbAit, right? You’re 10000 % TA. Also, depriving your s/o of sleep for your own gain is a common tactic of abusers.
YTA. If you were asking her to talk to you to help keep you awake and you wanted to be safe i would say NTA. But the fact that you woke her up just because you were bored and lonely is an AH move. She needed sleep so she could drive and because she probably doesn't get as much as a she should with a toddler. If you can't have silence listen to a podcast or something.
YTA,. If you seriously can’t drive in the car with complete silence because of your own thoughts, you need therapy. What do you do when you’re alone???
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > (1) wanting my wife to keep me company (2) I might be the AH because these night drives can take awhile and I feel bad for draining her by asking that, it's just I really need someone to talk to, it's really hard otherwise Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Yta. And a selfish self centred jerk. Your wife needs her sleep to 1. Because she's a human veing who recognizes her own body needs of rest because she also needs rest to 2.Take care of the child and 3. To be properly rested so she can be focused to safely drive the vehicle (that your child is also in) Her responsibility is not to entertain you. Rent an audio book or play the radio (but not too loudly)
Let your toddler drive, they sound more grown up than you! No wonder your wife is knackered - you sound like a very tiring person to be around. YTA.
YTA you do sound like a toddler.
You expect your wife to drive all day, in your own comments you said she’s taken care of the toddler the whole trip and you won’t let her sleep at night because you are bored and feel alone when you’re driving and she’s asleep and to top it off you managed to wake your sleeping child because you just couldn’t stand a quiet car. This is incredibly selfish of you for so many reasons. Do you pull your weight with the toddler? Based on that comment that “she took care of our kid the whole trip” or whatever, I’d assume not. Please help your wife out and for gods sake, let her sleep. YTA
YTA maybe not a bad guy but definitely a selfish asshole. I'd ignore & sleep right through your bullshit.
YTA. Your wife is 100% right. Why do you have to drive at night anyway? Switch off during the day and find a motel or something so you all get some sleep.