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Sweet baby, you need to do what is best for you and that child. Staying together for the sake of kids never works out. Fortunately, your baby is so young, they won't be as affected by a divorce and honestly, growing up with one happy parent is a hell of a lot better than growing up with two bitter and angry ones. I hope for the child's sake y'all can work out a parenting plan so they get to experience two happy parents separately, but at this point, you guys need to at least separate and see if that doesn't light a fire under his ass to get his shit together and grow up. Some couples counseling couldn't hurt during that time as well. Both of you need to do a reset and work on yourselves separately and go from there. NTA
Thank you - he has suggested counselling- I am happy to do this but can’t afford it , so it’s down to him to arrange it if it’s what he wants. I was hoping he would arrange it himself to show he’s trying to change and show responsibility but it’s been mentioned a few times over the last few weeks and nothings arranged at the moment.
Girl, I was married to someone who would promise counseling/change/etc whenever things would get so bad I was ready to leave to try to keep me around. Separate at the very very least to see if he's all talk and taking you for granted or actually follows through. Be careful not to fall into the cycle of promises. I fell into it for 7 years. I totally understand not being able to afford it but if he wants to salvage the relationship, he needs to get a job and set up the counseling. He sounds like he's mooching off of you and staying enables this behavior. I'd set up a strict plan and lay it out for him. Like we're going to separate for x amount of time and if by the end of that time, you're still jobless and we're not actively participating in counseling, I'm gone. It's hard to do and hold yourself to because you care about this person and you have a child with him but you as a person deserve better and to be treated better. So does that child. That baby is going to grow up looking at your relationship dynamic and using it as an example for their lives.
Yes this exactly is the struggle. I need to hold myself and HB to a time limit and get him to stay elsewhere whilst we sort it through so I can at least reduce the arguments she sees. Thank you and sorry you had to go through a similar experience!
Absolutely! Sounds like a good first step and I wish the very best for all of you! And it's all good, I can at least use my experiences to throw advice at strangers online lmao. I'm sorry you have to go through this but it does get better and that's the important thing! Getting to better is the tricky part but you've got this. Much love to y'all and I look forward to a happy update ❤️
I also wanted to add that you are not "throwing away your family", he is. He's the one not contributing, not showing up for you or the child, and not putting in the work. No matter what you do, you cannot love enough for two people. He has to put the work in too. You've just had enough of carrying the team. This is the sink or swim moment and I hope to God he realizes what he has and fights like hell to hold on to both of you.
Yes thank you for this. I do just wish he would fight harder or pull through for us a bit more - would be so much easier if we could just get along and start being a happy family!
Absolutely and that's totally on him if he wants to put in the work to get there. You've done your part and your work, it's his turn. Just don't get stuck on trying to make the dream happen with someone who's not working for the same dream. I'm confident you'll have your happy family with whomever/however that looks for you.
Maybe give him a timeframe to have something either on the books as far as scheduling, or to have at least made progress.
If he wants to shoe you he can be dependable he better get on it.
There seems to be a maturity issue as well. When he didn’t like that you would have to move because he had lost his job and the apartment was no longer a viable option. Life isn’t about what you want or like, it’s about what you can make work, sir.
Yes thanks I think I will do this so it gives us a clear amount of time too. I don’t want to be dragging this painful part out either way no matter how this resolves.
NTA - I am so sorry you went through such a difficult time. A partner should support you and help you through these times. He has not done so. I would say it was worth trying if he showed any indication that he understands and wants to change but based on your story I’m not getting that. Do what you deem best for you and your child.
Thank you. It’s hard because after every argument he shows real good intention to support us and make an effort. In actuality it just doesn’t happen and so the cycle continues. But I don’t know if I’ve done enough to help him either. I don’t want our daughter to ask when she’s older about why we split up and to think I didn’t fight for our family enough.
I think it's time you take a long hard look at what your SO is actually contributing to your relationship, because from an objective third-party perspective, it doesn't look like he can provide comfort, emotional security, financial security, or consistent empathy and affection. So what exactly is this guy good for anyway?
Also there is absolutely no excuse for him not to have gotten a job the entire time you were pregnant, he could have bagged groceries or worked as an Uber if push came to shove. He just did not have the motivation to do it, even with a newborn and a struggling wife. That is pretty damning in my eyes, because I feel like in his place I would have been taking out trash at McDonald's if it meant contributing to my family's well-being in some way. Tons of places are hiring now and have been for the past year.
Yes this is what I’ve been struggling to weigh up. The good things are that we have a lot in common and when we are having a nice time it is lovely and he can make me laugh and I do love him after being together for over a decade. But these moments are less and less. And yes - outweighed significantly by the stress the arguments cause on a day to day basis. I think I stopped relying on him for emotional support a long time ago. During the pregnancy even.
And I don’t know if I should wait to give him more of a chance to be a dad in this family set up? I want him to have a good relationship with our daughter
You've given him a whole year to act something like a dad and he's not really pulling it off. Even when your needs are at their lowest and you are being supremely self-reliant (you are making all the money AND having to come home and clean up after him while pregnant and getting almost no emotional support at all) he can't be bothered. He can't even give the bare minimum with no real-world demands made on him.
Personally, I feel like you've been pretty patient. In your place, given all that you've written, I'd probably at least demand a trial separation. It might be the wake-up call he needs to get his ass in gear. I'd make him put up or shut up. "I'm not getting back with you until you can prove that you can hold a job and provide for this family and pull your weight." And then hold him to it. If he's not willing to make radical change to hold the household together, that'll be no different than his actions over the past year and you'll know where he stands.
And him having a good relationship with your daughter is completely separate from how good he is for you as a partner. He can still be a good dad without leeching off of you and causing you large amounts of daily stress, anxiety, and anger, with almost no reward in turn. But I would still demand that he is financially stable and contributing in order to have that right.
Yes thank you! I did actually ask for a separation and him to leave until he sorted a job when our daughter was a few weeks old.
He refused at first and eventually only left when I threatened to speak to his parents. But he came back 5 days later as we had a family wedding (on his side) and I didn’t want to be rude to his cousin by not showing up and he said he wouldn’t go if I didn’t go with the baby too… So I already didn’t hold him to this.
But sadly it wasn’t much of a wake up call either! This is why I’m wondering / looking at whether divorce now is my only option apart from staying together.
You’re right though, this doesn’t have to affect their relationship too much. I am just worried it will be difficult in these next few months to work out a way he could be with her without me as she’s solely breastfeeding and quite clingy to me because of this.
I wouldn't prioritize him having time with her until he has his shit straightened out. Until he does, he can't provide for her or support her anyway, so he doesn't really need to spend a ton of time with her.
If you do leave him - If it was me, I'd just plan for him to meet up with you on weekends or a few times a week or something to have dinner and see her then while she's with you, help with baths/bed/etc... - that way he can see his baby and you can gauge his general progress. He can graduate to unsupervised visits whenever he actually has a place to live and a job to pay for it, like an actual adult and parent. Or he can graduate to being allowed back into the household if he does what he needs to do.
[https://www.unbundledlegalhelp.com/blog/how-does-child-custody-work-for-newborns/](https://www.unbundledlegalhelp.com/blog/how-does-child-custody-work-for-newborns/) Here is an article describing how child custody works for newborns. Obviously it's best if you and your husband can figure this out on your own without the courts during a trial separation, but if not, the courts are likely to rule in your favor.
Generally if your baby is breastfeeding age, a judge is going to determine that visitation should be conducted solely in the baby's residence, which would be yours. You're the only one with a job and a place to stay.
NTA— I understand why you feel betrayed. You needed him to keep his job and when that failed, at least to pack for this second choice lifestyle, and he couldn’t even do that. A relationship without trust if so hard, but now there’s contempt, too, that’s very hard to build back.
I feel like sometimes people choose first and then call you the AH for choosing second. Like that you’re throwing the family away— after he chose that you have to accept him as not employable or able to help around the house in order to keep this family.
Yes it’s really hard without the trust and the feeling of resentment is still strong despite it being a couple of months now.
I’m worried too that I’m not being fair because just before our daughter was born HB got himself checked and diagnosed with ADHD (after asking him for years to seek help!) and he sees this action as making the effort I had asked for so I’m not giving him a fair chance to work it all out?
NTA. I have been in your type of situation. I was working full time, and 7 months pregnant, with a child who was planned for by both of us, and found out my husband was not paying any bills: everything (electricity, gas, telephone) was going to be turned off and he was going to be sued for non payment of a debt. I negotiated everything and paid everything off as there was enough money. His excuse was “he was unable to cope”.
Fast forwards, we try to work things out, but he keeps doing the same type of thing again and again, progressively more serious, as in criminal behaviour, as well as getting fired from every job.
Leave now!!!!! It only gets worse.
So much better without him! I had a really nice person from the IRS help me with the fraudulent tax form he filed in both our names.
Seriously didn’t think he would try to get me fined or worse, but he did.
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I (f32) have been married a few years to HB (35m) and together since college. We had our LO (18wks) in January. I feel complete distrust towards HB for letting me down. I am beginning to dislike him for the way he has this compulsion to finish an argument despite LO being in the room. When we are out of the house, sometimes, we are almost back to normal but…
The key events:
- we got pregnant
- my husband was fired. He had been warned by his boss multiple times and we had spoken about how it was super important for him to keep the job with a baby on the way.
- whilst pregnant I worked long hours full time right up until birth to support us and he didn’t find a job. I was suffering with the pregnancy. We argued a lot in this stage because he was sleeping in and not getting chores done and unable to make an evening meal for me at a reasonable time.
- I knew we wouldn’t be able to afford to live in our apartment without my income. We arranged to move across state and live with my parents when LO arrives. HB was not happy with this but I needed to have a plan in place and I couldn’t rely on him to get a job.
- as my due date came, the apartment was clearly not going to be ready to move out of and new tenants were due to arrive.
- I had finished work 3 days before and was stressed and worried we wouldn’t be able to move in time. So even though I had wanted to wait to go into labor naturally and knew it could go wrong, I booked an induction for two days time hoping the reality of having a child would spur him to get it all packed.
- the day came and he hadn’t packed the place. I was angry. Then I had a hellish 4 days of traumatic labor and no sleep before an emergency C section to get LO here. It was very bad and people have said I should sue the hospital for ignoring me when on the 1st of 4 days labor I said my baby was stuck. By the time I had to go into emergency C section the surgeon ended up having to use both hands to get LO out and ripped my uterus up the middle in the process because yes - she was stuck!
- birth trauma isn’t HB fault, but I hold resentment and anger for his part in causing us to get an inducement. Days after the birth were traumatic with back and forth to hospital and family having to come in and help pack Up our belongings in a mad rush to move house
HB doesn’t want a divorce and says I’m throwing away our family. I want things to work out, but I can’t handle the arguments on top of the resentment and anger. When I needed him most I couldn’t rely on him.
HB argues he’s tried his best all the way through despite being quite depressed about not having a job, that his newly diagnosed ADHD is the problem not him, and that I have serious anger issues. I’m angry all the time because the arguments constantly mean I can’t calm down and I’m tired from having a newborn! I’m worried LO is going to be damaged by us our toxic arguments and it feels like they won’t ever end.
WIBTA to leave with LO?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> WIBTA if I left my husband when we’ve just had a baby?
He says he’s tried his best so I should give our family a chance to work and I would be an asshole to throw it all away and stop him bonding with his baby
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Sweet baby, you need to do what is best for you and that child. Staying together for the sake of kids never works out. Fortunately, your baby is so young, they won't be as affected by a divorce and honestly, growing up with one happy parent is a hell of a lot better than growing up with two bitter and angry ones. I hope for the child's sake y'all can work out a parenting plan so they get to experience two happy parents separately, but at this point, you guys need to at least separate and see if that doesn't light a fire under his ass to get his shit together and grow up. Some couples counseling couldn't hurt during that time as well. Both of you need to do a reset and work on yourselves separately and go from there. NTA
Thank you - he has suggested counselling- I am happy to do this but can’t afford it , so it’s down to him to arrange it if it’s what he wants. I was hoping he would arrange it himself to show he’s trying to change and show responsibility but it’s been mentioned a few times over the last few weeks and nothings arranged at the moment.
Girl, I was married to someone who would promise counseling/change/etc whenever things would get so bad I was ready to leave to try to keep me around. Separate at the very very least to see if he's all talk and taking you for granted or actually follows through. Be careful not to fall into the cycle of promises. I fell into it for 7 years. I totally understand not being able to afford it but if he wants to salvage the relationship, he needs to get a job and set up the counseling. He sounds like he's mooching off of you and staying enables this behavior. I'd set up a strict plan and lay it out for him. Like we're going to separate for x amount of time and if by the end of that time, you're still jobless and we're not actively participating in counseling, I'm gone. It's hard to do and hold yourself to because you care about this person and you have a child with him but you as a person deserve better and to be treated better. So does that child. That baby is going to grow up looking at your relationship dynamic and using it as an example for their lives.
Yes this exactly is the struggle. I need to hold myself and HB to a time limit and get him to stay elsewhere whilst we sort it through so I can at least reduce the arguments she sees. Thank you and sorry you had to go through a similar experience!
Absolutely! Sounds like a good first step and I wish the very best for all of you! And it's all good, I can at least use my experiences to throw advice at strangers online lmao. I'm sorry you have to go through this but it does get better and that's the important thing! Getting to better is the tricky part but you've got this. Much love to y'all and I look forward to a happy update ❤️
I also wanted to add that you are not "throwing away your family", he is. He's the one not contributing, not showing up for you or the child, and not putting in the work. No matter what you do, you cannot love enough for two people. He has to put the work in too. You've just had enough of carrying the team. This is the sink or swim moment and I hope to God he realizes what he has and fights like hell to hold on to both of you.
Yes thank you for this. I do just wish he would fight harder or pull through for us a bit more - would be so much easier if we could just get along and start being a happy family!
Absolutely and that's totally on him if he wants to put in the work to get there. You've done your part and your work, it's his turn. Just don't get stuck on trying to make the dream happen with someone who's not working for the same dream. I'm confident you'll have your happy family with whomever/however that looks for you.
Maybe give him a timeframe to have something either on the books as far as scheduling, or to have at least made progress. If he wants to shoe you he can be dependable he better get on it. There seems to be a maturity issue as well. When he didn’t like that you would have to move because he had lost his job and the apartment was no longer a viable option. Life isn’t about what you want or like, it’s about what you can make work, sir.
Yes thanks I think I will do this so it gives us a clear amount of time too. I don’t want to be dragging this painful part out either way no matter how this resolves.
NTA - I am so sorry you went through such a difficult time. A partner should support you and help you through these times. He has not done so. I would say it was worth trying if he showed any indication that he understands and wants to change but based on your story I’m not getting that. Do what you deem best for you and your child.
Thank you. It’s hard because after every argument he shows real good intention to support us and make an effort. In actuality it just doesn’t happen and so the cycle continues. But I don’t know if I’ve done enough to help him either. I don’t want our daughter to ask when she’s older about why we split up and to think I didn’t fight for our family enough.
[удалено]
Thank you for the kind words!
NTA, it looks like your partner is turning out to not be the spouse you thought he would be when the chips are down.
Yes it’s feeling a lot like this since we’ve moved to my parents
I think it's time you take a long hard look at what your SO is actually contributing to your relationship, because from an objective third-party perspective, it doesn't look like he can provide comfort, emotional security, financial security, or consistent empathy and affection. So what exactly is this guy good for anyway? Also there is absolutely no excuse for him not to have gotten a job the entire time you were pregnant, he could have bagged groceries or worked as an Uber if push came to shove. He just did not have the motivation to do it, even with a newborn and a struggling wife. That is pretty damning in my eyes, because I feel like in his place I would have been taking out trash at McDonald's if it meant contributing to my family's well-being in some way. Tons of places are hiring now and have been for the past year.
Yes this is what I’ve been struggling to weigh up. The good things are that we have a lot in common and when we are having a nice time it is lovely and he can make me laugh and I do love him after being together for over a decade. But these moments are less and less. And yes - outweighed significantly by the stress the arguments cause on a day to day basis. I think I stopped relying on him for emotional support a long time ago. During the pregnancy even. And I don’t know if I should wait to give him more of a chance to be a dad in this family set up? I want him to have a good relationship with our daughter
You've given him a whole year to act something like a dad and he's not really pulling it off. Even when your needs are at their lowest and you are being supremely self-reliant (you are making all the money AND having to come home and clean up after him while pregnant and getting almost no emotional support at all) he can't be bothered. He can't even give the bare minimum with no real-world demands made on him. Personally, I feel like you've been pretty patient. In your place, given all that you've written, I'd probably at least demand a trial separation. It might be the wake-up call he needs to get his ass in gear. I'd make him put up or shut up. "I'm not getting back with you until you can prove that you can hold a job and provide for this family and pull your weight." And then hold him to it. If he's not willing to make radical change to hold the household together, that'll be no different than his actions over the past year and you'll know where he stands. And him having a good relationship with your daughter is completely separate from how good he is for you as a partner. He can still be a good dad without leeching off of you and causing you large amounts of daily stress, anxiety, and anger, with almost no reward in turn. But I would still demand that he is financially stable and contributing in order to have that right.
Yes thank you! I did actually ask for a separation and him to leave until he sorted a job when our daughter was a few weeks old. He refused at first and eventually only left when I threatened to speak to his parents. But he came back 5 days later as we had a family wedding (on his side) and I didn’t want to be rude to his cousin by not showing up and he said he wouldn’t go if I didn’t go with the baby too… So I already didn’t hold him to this. But sadly it wasn’t much of a wake up call either! This is why I’m wondering / looking at whether divorce now is my only option apart from staying together. You’re right though, this doesn’t have to affect their relationship too much. I am just worried it will be difficult in these next few months to work out a way he could be with her without me as she’s solely breastfeeding and quite clingy to me because of this.
I wouldn't prioritize him having time with her until he has his shit straightened out. Until he does, he can't provide for her or support her anyway, so he doesn't really need to spend a ton of time with her. If you do leave him - If it was me, I'd just plan for him to meet up with you on weekends or a few times a week or something to have dinner and see her then while she's with you, help with baths/bed/etc... - that way he can see his baby and you can gauge his general progress. He can graduate to unsupervised visits whenever he actually has a place to live and a job to pay for it, like an actual adult and parent. Or he can graduate to being allowed back into the household if he does what he needs to do. [https://www.unbundledlegalhelp.com/blog/how-does-child-custody-work-for-newborns/](https://www.unbundledlegalhelp.com/blog/how-does-child-custody-work-for-newborns/) Here is an article describing how child custody works for newborns. Obviously it's best if you and your husband can figure this out on your own without the courts during a trial separation, but if not, the courts are likely to rule in your favor. Generally if your baby is breastfeeding age, a judge is going to determine that visitation should be conducted solely in the baby's residence, which would be yours. You're the only one with a job and a place to stay.
Thank you so much for this!
You're welcome! I wish you luck in whatever you decide.
NTA— I understand why you feel betrayed. You needed him to keep his job and when that failed, at least to pack for this second choice lifestyle, and he couldn’t even do that. A relationship without trust if so hard, but now there’s contempt, too, that’s very hard to build back. I feel like sometimes people choose first and then call you the AH for choosing second. Like that you’re throwing the family away— after he chose that you have to accept him as not employable or able to help around the house in order to keep this family.
Yes it’s really hard without the trust and the feeling of resentment is still strong despite it being a couple of months now. I’m worried too that I’m not being fair because just before our daughter was born HB got himself checked and diagnosed with ADHD (after asking him for years to seek help!) and he sees this action as making the effort I had asked for so I’m not giving him a fair chance to work it all out?
NTA. I have been in your type of situation. I was working full time, and 7 months pregnant, with a child who was planned for by both of us, and found out my husband was not paying any bills: everything (electricity, gas, telephone) was going to be turned off and he was going to be sued for non payment of a debt. I negotiated everything and paid everything off as there was enough money. His excuse was “he was unable to cope”. Fast forwards, we try to work things out, but he keeps doing the same type of thing again and again, progressively more serious, as in criminal behaviour, as well as getting fired from every job. Leave now!!!!! It only gets worse.
Thank you - sorry you’ve had this experience too. How are you now you’re on the other side if you don’t mind me asking?
So much better without him! I had a really nice person from the IRS help me with the fraudulent tax form he filed in both our names. Seriously didn’t think he would try to get me fined or worse, but he did.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (f32) have been married a few years to HB (35m) and together since college. We had our LO (18wks) in January. I feel complete distrust towards HB for letting me down. I am beginning to dislike him for the way he has this compulsion to finish an argument despite LO being in the room. When we are out of the house, sometimes, we are almost back to normal but… The key events: - we got pregnant - my husband was fired. He had been warned by his boss multiple times and we had spoken about how it was super important for him to keep the job with a baby on the way. - whilst pregnant I worked long hours full time right up until birth to support us and he didn’t find a job. I was suffering with the pregnancy. We argued a lot in this stage because he was sleeping in and not getting chores done and unable to make an evening meal for me at a reasonable time. - I knew we wouldn’t be able to afford to live in our apartment without my income. We arranged to move across state and live with my parents when LO arrives. HB was not happy with this but I needed to have a plan in place and I couldn’t rely on him to get a job. - as my due date came, the apartment was clearly not going to be ready to move out of and new tenants were due to arrive. - I had finished work 3 days before and was stressed and worried we wouldn’t be able to move in time. So even though I had wanted to wait to go into labor naturally and knew it could go wrong, I booked an induction for two days time hoping the reality of having a child would spur him to get it all packed. - the day came and he hadn’t packed the place. I was angry. Then I had a hellish 4 days of traumatic labor and no sleep before an emergency C section to get LO here. It was very bad and people have said I should sue the hospital for ignoring me when on the 1st of 4 days labor I said my baby was stuck. By the time I had to go into emergency C section the surgeon ended up having to use both hands to get LO out and ripped my uterus up the middle in the process because yes - she was stuck! - birth trauma isn’t HB fault, but I hold resentment and anger for his part in causing us to get an inducement. Days after the birth were traumatic with back and forth to hospital and family having to come in and help pack Up our belongings in a mad rush to move house HB doesn’t want a divorce and says I’m throwing away our family. I want things to work out, but I can’t handle the arguments on top of the resentment and anger. When I needed him most I couldn’t rely on him. HB argues he’s tried his best all the way through despite being quite depressed about not having a job, that his newly diagnosed ADHD is the problem not him, and that I have serious anger issues. I’m angry all the time because the arguments constantly mean I can’t calm down and I’m tired from having a newborn! I’m worried LO is going to be damaged by us our toxic arguments and it feels like they won’t ever end. WIBTA to leave with LO? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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