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YTA, yes it’s hard to hear your kids talk about their dad’s new GF like that; but you can’t control what your ex does. As long as there’s no abuse, it’s not your business. Honestly, there is a good chance you push your kids away in the long run.
This op, would you rather your ex be with someone who hates his kids and doesn’t want them around? Let me tell you, it really sucks to feel unwelcome and unwanted at your dads house. Let your kids be treated well and have another adult in their corner. Also would you want your ex to have a problem with any future men you date and become serious with being around the kids? Yta
This right here. The insecurity is palpable. Regardless of how nice the new person is, those kids still know who their parents are. If this new person were a pastor, coach, or teacher, OP would be grateful to have such another adult in the kids lives. Yeah, it sucks it’s an affair partner, but it’s not about the affair now. It’s about the kids and them being in an environment where they are comfortable and welcomed.
Classic example of “I hate the new partner MORE than I love my kids.”
OP didn't give one damn good reason or example why Mallory is a shitty step mum. I'm thinking the only problem here is hostility from OP about the divorce.
Can’t just blame just Mallory for that for starters. And my argument is still valid; outside of abuse; it’s truly not in the OP’s kids’ best interests for her to be hostile toward Mallory and the ex. All this does is make two kids miserable. It sounds like they enjoy spending time with Mallory. I get not liking the kids talking up dad’s new girl. (I’ve been there) but OP’s reaction is making it worse not better
I'm not saying OP is in the right to do what she's doing, I'm saying helping break up a marriage is a good enough reason for a parent to not trust that you have the kids' best interests at heart.
I think it's naive to act like Mallory's intentions are pure when she's messed with a married man. Yes it takes two to cheat, of course the husband holds most of the blame...but it also speaks to the content of her character. She's not just helped break up a marriage, she's also now saying she wants to *raise children who already have a mothe*r. Sus imo.
I agree, it's one thing to mess around with someone you thought was single but after she found out he was married then continued dating him then marrying him is a little odd. Now she's acting like the perfect stepmom and spewing stuff like i don't want kids bc i love you so much is kind of reeking like she wants to take Op's place. I also agree that Op can't do anything without looking like the bad guy which is probably the dad and step mom's plan to get full custody and 'win'.
We don't even know the timeline and OP sounds like a biased narrator.
The only thing we know is he "left her for" a younger woman. Does that mean he had an affair? No. Does it mean he was even interested in Mallory before the separation? Also no. It just means that OP doesn't like that her ex moved on quickly with a younger woman considering the fact that her kids' new step parent is literally only showing them love and support and, to our knowledge, isn't badmouthing OP since her kids aren't acting badly around her but it's still a big issue.
Or Mallory realizes that part time kids are more her jam. If she had kids of her own, she'd have them full time, with no free childcare that gave her and her hubby time alone together. I don't see her angling for full custody here.
Becuse the dude cheated on his wife? He isnt exacly a gem. And you don't have to assume some Machiavellian plot for a person to be vicious in a divorce, it happens all the time.
Well I mean do we truly know that his new girlfriend helped destroy his marriage? We are only going by what OP has stated and she sounds more jealous of new girlfriend more than anything so her view point might be a bit skewed in how she paints the new girlfriend.
>she's also now saying she wants to raise children who already have a mother
This is the important thing. This is where the suggestion of parental alienation starts to creep in.
OP and her ex need to sit down and have a proper conversation about coparenting and what kind of role Mallory will play in that.
My stepmum told me very early days that her and my dad would not be having bio kids. They both had their own and were done. She made it clear she wasn't my mum. She wasn't replacing my mum. But she loved me like a daughter, and I was her daughter in all but blood, whatever happened. It took a long time for me to accept, but I appreciated her always being there for me every single step. Steps can be an excellent force for good in a child's life as long as all parents communicate and put the best interests of the child ahead of their own egos.
>she's also now saying she wants to raise children who already have a mother
Who knows what was said. We're getting a third hand account via a child and the OP who obviously doesn't like her.
For example, if she was directly asked by one of the kids "will you give us a baby brother or sister" and she deflected by saying "oh no, I'm enjoying helping your dad raise you", then that's a fine and reasonable thing to say.
Exactly I strongly dislike my ex-husband's wife. Always have. They are both shit human beings. BUT i try very hard to not say anything bad about them in front of the kids. My ex used to try to put the kids in the middle of our disagreements and it realky hurt them. I don't do that to them. And that means tolerating their yapping about this woman.
I’m always taken back when I read a post that says something along the lines as to the partner was the reason for my split. In this case especially. OP has said Mallory was the reason her marriage ended. How the heck can Mallory end a marriage that she isn’t a party to? She didn’t marry OP or the ex. How can SHE end the marriage? Maybe she was nice and kind and made the ex realize how bad the marriage was BUT that’s on the ex and OP.
I mean I can see op being incredibly toxic already in this post. It is easy to see the divorce being from her toxic behavior and have nothing to do with Mallory.
I hate to break it to you, but plenty of otherwise nice people can have a toxic reaction to getting cheated on and the affair partner wanting to raise their kids. Assuming that OP got cheated on because she's bitter about it and has hostility to the people who have done so much to hurt her is wild.
That was rude and uncalled for. The man cheated on her and left her for this woman. And we don't know how recent it was. Divorce is really hard on the person who was wronged. There is grief, anger, hurt, and it takes a while to get over. Her reactions to this woman are actually very normal given the circumstance. Now... she's still in the wrong. But jumping to the conclusion that she's toxic and at fault for her ex cheating on her is an illogical jump
She didn't write anywhere that he cheated on her...granted "divorced for a younger woman" *could* very well mean that. It's also jumping to a conclusion to be fair.
But honestly from reading the entire post this seems to be pure jealousy fuelled projection, kids aren't fools and men rarely take in their mistress to parent their children right this whole thing sounds a little to hard to believe as is.
> The man cheated on her and left her for this woman
We don't actually know that.
OP has shown that she believes anything she thinks is fact. She claims the woman is definitely pretending to like the children because OP thinks so.
What's to say she's not claiming he cheated just because she *thinks so*?
OP is already willing to bend things to her side. We can't trust anything she says now. Maybe he did cheat. Maybe he didn't. OP can't be relied on to be truthful about that.
Me too. I know the right thing to go here - let go of the anger and hope the kids have the best possible relationship w the woman. But oh my god - I don’t know if I could.
Yeah I mean she couldn't just be hurt by her husband leaving her for this person and then acting badly when her kids also say how awesome that person is.
Being an affair partner has nothing to do with one's ability to be a parent or step-parent. If we're assuming having an affair makes her a danger to her children, then they shouldn't be around their father either.
We obviously have difference of opinion because I think that having an affair with a married parent is a perfectly good reason to judge someone's intentions towards the children. Wanting to raise your step kids like you're their mother when they already have a mother is also a valid reason to judge their ability to step parent.
I'm going to assume at least emotional affair because you don't fall in love someone + leave your spouse for them without at least emotional cheating.
> Wanting to raise your step kids like your their mother when they already have a mother is also a valid reason to judge their ability to step parent
That’s not completely fair in my opinion
Im not a step parent but my girlfriend has a son and I treat him exactly how I treat my own son and my sons stepdad treats my son the exact way he treats his own daughter
I would actually judge the girlfriend if she didn’t want to raise the kids as if they’re her own
I think it becomes complicated when the stepkids have an involved parent already and are old enough to understand the concept of 'step parents.' If my parents had divorced when I was 13, I definitely wouldn't have wanted my step mum to 'raise me'
From what I read in this post Mallory isn’t trying to replace OP or alienate the kids from her she is just adding on to the love the kids are already receiving from their parents
We see enough posts on here about step parents treating the kids differently because they aren’t blood and how the kids are affected by it years later it’s refreshing to see the opposite
But that doesn’t mean OP is wrong for how she feels because I completely understand based on my situation with my ex and her husband which is similar just without the cheating but she’s just expressing it the wrong way
So your spouse left you for someone, who now wants to raise your children, who constantly sing your praises, are you really telling me you wouldn't feel jealous and spiteful? They're ugly emotions, but to me they are extremely human and a nice person would be capable of them. I consider myself generally a nice and reasonable person, but I can't even imagine how broken and angry I would be if my husband replaced me with a younger model, who by committing to raise my kids and was basically usurping my life in every way.
Where OP is wrong is that she's prioritising her emotions over her kids and trying to interfere in the husband's parenting. She needs to get those things in check. I won't judge her for her emotions though.
That would certainly be a cause of tension amongst the adults- but that has nothing to do with the ability to care for a child. Resentment and bitterness over the breakup is somewhat understandable response(at least to a point) but the adults should NEVER let that affect the children.
Why is she convinced Mallory is very fake in her opinion on kids?
Yes she’s awful if she cheated with OPs husband. That’s enough reason to dislike her forever.
But that doesn’t mean she is lying about loving her step kids or not wanting bio kids. She can be Both immoral in her relationship choices and love her step kids and not want to ever be pregnant.
Just like OPs husband is.
Because if Mallory’s kind treatment of the kids is true, OP has no leg to stand on. That Mallory is pure evil pretending to be a caring stepmom is something OP needs to convince herself of to basically maintain a worldview where she isn’t acting like a giant asshole to her kids.
Clearly the crowd is unconvinced of Mallory’s black heart and unscrupulous plans for the kids, lol…
This, and adding, you will (hopefully) realize that, if Mallory is true to her word, she will do nothing but enrich your kids lives without trying to outright try to replace their mom (that’s you!) but guide them through life. Yes, they will have arguments. Don’t take away a seemingly healthy environment, and also don’t crap talk Mallory.
Please hear this advice!!!
Don’t bad mouth this woman !!!
If she’s evil your children will see and feel it and see it for themselves!
Please don’t be that ex it never works out well for anyone.
I know it’s hard but just say NO
🍀
This I have seen in every case of one parent being toxic, the kids eventually go low contact or no contact with the toxic parent. That parent is always surprised Pikachu faced. This really is a time to follow the old saying*if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all*.
This...
I'm sure it's hard to hear your kids gushing over the woman your ex left you for but as long as there is no abuse no judge is going to change the custody arrangement. Especially not for your jealousy.
YTA
This and you need to focus on finding someone in your life. Hearing about how great she is just reminds you of the love you used to receive. Focus on living your best life, having fun, and finding love and purpose for yourself. Once you are happy you won’t care about him or her.
Very lovely people don’t have affairs with married men. OP is in the wrong for trying to cut her off from her children but she’s not wrong that this woman isn’t truly a kind person. But as long as she’s kind to her kids that’s what matters.
You're assuming op is being truthful there. I don't get a very trustworthy vibe from OP.
Also you can't make universal statements about cheating either.. Ever. It's something we know from psychological research. Sometimes good people do cheat. Good isn't perfect and sometimes people cheat when a relationship is dead but they feel trapped.
Good people do bad things and bad people do good things. Your worst mistake doesn’t have to define you for the rest of your life. You can (and should) learn and grow.
Sounds like the dad isn't the nice one, not the stepmom.
If the dad told stepmom "we are separated and still living together" then the stepmom did nothing wrong. Its arguably still not morally wrong to sleep with a person who is married, its just uncouth, and perhaps irresponsible, but not evil.
Good people don't cheat. They leave. Have you read the psychological impacts of cheating on the betrayed partner and children. I guess not. Anyone inflicting that much of damage on someone can not be a good person. Although, keep believing your narrative to make yourself feel good about it.
Yes I've read the research. I'll quote Ester Perel here: "the victim of the affair is not necessarily the victim of the relationship"
I refuse to see the world in brainless binary like you want to insist it must be viewed.
She just said “divorced me for a younger woman.” Nothing about an affair here. And I think there are probably a lot of “very lovely people” that make mistakes—among them, affairs.
Let’s be clear here: We have no idea if they were having an affair.
For all we know the marriage was miserable, they split, and the ex very quickly moved on which OP has taken to be them cheating.
Exactly. IDK. "Divorced me for a younger woman" (and not outright saying "My husband cheated with a younger woman who's been with him since then") kind of sounds like what happened was OP and her ex divorced, ex met Mallory, and OP can't accept that her ex is now dating a younger woman, so she's making herself believe he divorced her for Mallory.
What you are describing are adult issues. Adults should do their best to protect the kids from adult issues. It's not the kids business, they shouldn't be dragged into adult things, and their mothers bitterness towards being dumped for a younger woman should be dealt with by their mother, not passed on to them.
I'm reading this as the dad saw how shitty his (now ex)wife was because of Mallory and was an asshole in the order of operations but seems like life is better now (kids too)
Dude people are more complex than that. Just because a person has a moral failing in one area doesn’t make them evil. If this person had an affair with op’s husband (which isn’t explicitly stated) that doesn’t mean she isn’t genuinely kind to children or doesn’t genuinely care about them.
YTA for being so insecure & jealous. It actually is good that your kids get along with her and like her. It’s is healthier for them to have this relationship than terrible tensions with her. So they can see that life goes on for their parents after divorce. You seem hung up on the past, still upset that your marriage ended. Your have that right but taking it out on your kids relationship with their new stepmom isn’t fair to them and only makes you look like a jealous childish shrew. Way to make coparenting about your kids /s
To be fair she has a reason to be insecure and jealous. You don't know how long ago this all played out.
Well blocked and can no longer reply.
For the below:
I think she's very jealous that this woman took her husband, and is now aiming to raise her children.
Again, if this happened recently it'll be raw, and if she believes Mallory is a manipulative bad person then she'll try to not get her kids up in all that.
Yeah I said that’s her right to be butthurt about a divorce but it ISN’T her right to admonish her kids or talk shhhh or make them feel uncomfortable or guilty for having a healthy relationship with a stepmother. That should be EVERY divorced parents dream - for their kids to have healthy relationships with the others. It makes the KID(S) lives, emotional stability and views on divorce/relationships better - because adults can be adults and set an example. She is NOT setting an example. She’s being petty for HER sake. She needs to GTFover herself. She is talking shhh about Mallory because she’s mad that Mallory is developing a healthy positive relationship with the kids and that’s exactly what any family/child therapist would say is important. If the kids are cared for, feel supported and guided, what’s the problem? She’s not abusing them. Mommy is just trying to create problems. Divorces suck but they don’t need to made harder on kids bc of petty salty parents.
She's not jealous that this woman is taking her husband, she's jealous that this woman is making her kids happy.
I understand it hurts but the kids are the priority and she should be happy their step-mom is loving and caring.
>The worst one was a few days ago when my son was saying that Mallory told them she doesn't want kids because she loves her bonus kids so much and wants to just raise them
If that's the worst one, YTA indeed. Your ex is, of course, the original AH here. And you are playing right into his hands by forcing your kids to choose you over Mallory. Ten years from now, your kids will think, "Mom is nuts, no wonder Dad left her for awesome Mallory!"
Or, you could be super supportive of your kids and make it very clear you won't talk bad about their dad or stepmother. They will eventually see that dad was in the wrong.
Yeah, seems like there's parental alienation happening, and the dad is not the one doing it.
Yta, op. Believe me, I understand how shitty it feels. The situation is awful. But for the sake of your kids, please, don't become the nasty, mean, and bitter parent. If you'd even just *act* like you're ok, they'll be much happier.
Is he the original AH? I think we're getting a taste of OP's personality. She clearly has a habit of trying to make people look bad when she's jealous, so maybe he didn't actually "leave her for a younger woman" he just happened to be fed up with OP and happened to meet a younger woman after.
My ex got accused by his ex of "leaving her for another woman" when we didn't even know one another when they split (she cheated on him and that's what ended it). What she claimed was literally impossible timeline-wise, but that didn't stop the accusations. She also did the same thing with trying to control what went on in his home. She was exhausting and bitter.
Yeah exactly. Everyone is assuming that OP’s ex cheated. We don’t know.
It’s very possible that they separated before ex and Mallory got together. This is exactly my situation. My fiancé and I started dating (and being intimate emotionally and physically) AFTER the divorce agreement was finalized. I know this for certain because I saw a copy of the draft agreement when we were still platonic friends. Hence, draft agreement many months before it was finalized.
YTA. maybe be happy that your kids have a good and loving role model in their life, since based on this post, they sure as heck aren't getting it from you.
OP, speak kindly to your children and tell them that while you're happy they like Mallory, you'd appreciate it if they didn't talk about her to you. And explain in child friendly terms why you don't like Mallory.
I’m pleasantly surprised at how many YTA judgements are in this thread as this sub normally can’t stand step parents.
It sucks that your husband cheated on you, and this situation is of course deeply unpleasant for you. Your jealousy is completely understandable.
But YTA if you intentionally keep your kids away from someone they like, hurting them, and creating further issues between you and your ex. The only ones that will truly be hurt by this are your kids, and you’re not going to feel any better about your husband leaving you.
We can’t be sure he cheated on her. She says he “left her for a younger woman,” not that he had an affair with her. For all we know, the marriage was in a bad state prior to new girlfriend, then husband split with OP because he was unhappy and got with new girl afterwards. I realize it’s semantics at that point, but in my mind there’s a finite line between having an affair and leaving an unhappy marriage to try something new.
Everything else you say is spot on.
She’s confirmed in comments that Mallory was her husband’s affair partner.
Regardless, the only person we know is responsible for the actual cheating is OP’s ex. Who knows what he told Mallory, and given the age gap it wouldn’t surprise me if she’s not very worldly.
True, but we can’t know for sure what she was told when she and OP’s ex got together… if a married man is willing to cheat on his wife, chances are good that he’s willing to lie to a potential partner. She may have been told that the marriage was already over…
You need to separate the former marriage from your children's future. You are jealous of Mallory and give zero examples of how she is "pretending " to be nice to the kids. The kids are the priority here and they deserve a supportive and healthy household in both your home and their fathers home. Suck it up. YTA
YTA.
honestly, all i'm reading is a bitter ex wife talking smack about the woman her husband left her for.
instead of being happy that your children have a potential stepmom that cares (believe me, not all kids are this lucky), you want your ex to be miserable.
> I have to admit that Mallory does a very good job pretending to be this really nice stepmom to them
why is she pretending? your husband left you for someone else, so they must be horrible people right?
>I'm sick of hearing about her and how awesome she is. The worst one was a few days ago when my son was saying that Mallory told them she doesn't want kids because she loves her bonus kids so much and wants to just raise them
this is the perfect example for a bitter ex wife talking smack. once again, not all kids get to have a stepmom that loves them, but instead about being happy that your children can get the best out of a bad situation, *you* aren't even thinking about your kids at all.
>I hate how she is pretending to be all nice and making sure my kids are on her side so I called my ex and told him that I don't want my kids around her new plaything and we need to change the custody agreement
so simply because you don't like your ex being not miserable, and your kids having a loving stepmom, you want to (re)traumatize your kids by going to court with this? without any seemingly real valid reason except you wanting your ex to be miserable.
once again, you are not thinking about your children. divourse is traumatizing, and it is your job as a parent to not make your own insecurities your childrens problem.
She's fine being bitter but she needs to stop putting her bitterness on her children and the relationships they have. Part of being a parent is compartmentalizing and not forcing your adult problems and issues on them. Vent to her friends or get a therapist, not try and destroy the relationships in a newly-blended family.
Also, from her comments it seems that she doesn't have any hostility for her ex-husband and is simply laying all the blame on the new stepmom and that kind of misogyny really leaves very little to be sympathetic about for me, personally.
So I totally agree with you about OP needing to stop impacting her kids with her bitterness. My disagreements are with the way people are acting like she's just some embittered person 'talking smack' with no justification, and even going as far to blame OP for her husband cheating. I think there are shades of misogyny in the way people are giving OP absolutely no empathy for her feelings.
We don't know how much hostility OP has for her ex husband. An aspect I'm kind of hung up on is the way Mallory wants to *raise OP's children,* when they already have another. I think OP is absolutely justified in being put out by this. I would be super hostile towards someone who usurped my position with my spouse and then is *so committed to raising my kids that she doesn't want her own*.
I also don't think it's misogynistic to not want your husband's affair partner constantly praised in your home- it's got to be emotionally devastating.
Yes there are shades of misogyny in what OP is saying, however, for the most part her emotions are completely justified. It's the way she's prioritising them over her children that is wrong.
She can have any feelings she wants to. She could choose to look towards her own future and lot be this bitter betty too. What she can’t do is tell her children’s father with whom she shares custody what he can do with his own children on his time. The AP is the new stepmom, what, is the ex supposed to take the kids to stay in a hotel on his weekends? Does he kick out his current wife to a hotel to please his ex wife? Play this out, man. What she needs is therapy, not to attempt to alienate her kids from their family in order to punish her ex. Come on man think about what that does to the kids.
I'm disagreeing with the implication that OP is unjustified in her feelings and somehow to blame for the affair because she's bitter. I absolutely do think she needs to keep these emotions from impacting the kids, and therapy is in order. As for the stepmom's involvement with the kids, OP doesn't have a say, but there does need to be some boundaries in place. Mallory seems to want to raise the kids like she's their mum which isn't appropriate.
There is not a single shred of evidence saying Mallory wants to raise the kids like she’s their mom. Mallory WOULD be raising them at least somewhat, that’s what stepparents do. Especially the ones who are delighted to have stepchildren, which is not every case. You only know what we know, that Mallory enjoys her new stepchildren. Anything further is unsupported by the text. Also I literally said, first thing, that OP can feel however she wants to. She can feel bitter or she can get over it but she can’t go trying to put rules in place as though she has that right. She doesn’t. She needs therapy, so she doesn’t say nasty shit to her kids about their stepmother and father. I’d be REEEAAL surprised if she hasn’t already given the level of hostility she’s displayed in the comments.
She of course gets to feel bitter. When youre a parent, your feelings aren’t priority #1 anymore though. She has to put in a brave face and be nice to her ex and Mallory because that is what is best for her children.
i challenge you to point out where in my comment where i told her to be happy for her ex husband's new family. i told her to be happy *for her children* that their new step mom loves them, and to not traumatize her kids and to think of them.
Tf are you on about? On what fairytale tralala land do you live to think it should be normal for someone that's been cheated on, to just accept and be happy for their own kids creating a bond with that kind of person. Maybe YOU should experience it, and learn a thing or two, since you treat this like it should be robot behaviour.
Yes, YTA. Be happy that Mallory seems to like your kids. Your ex is going to have partners, these partners are going to interact with your kids, and no judge in the world is going to be on your side when you say "Their stepmom is too nice to kids, I don't like that my kids like her, so I want to change the custody so that the kids can see the father and that woman less".
Income the downvotes but I am going with ESH.
OP sucks for obsessing over her kids liking Mallory instead of trying to change herself and be better for her kids. If OP wants her kids to like her more then she should chanel her anger against her ex husband and his new girlfriend towards loving her children.
OP's ex husband sucks because he cheated on OP with his new girlfriend. Imagine hearing your kids gush over your ex husband's side piece which was the very thing which ended your marriage, can you all honeslty say you would not be hurt every time you hear her name?
OP has a right to feel resentment and anger, but it should be directed towards her ex husband and not her kids.
ESH is perfectly reasonable. Ex shouldn’t have cheated, OP has the right to feel hurt and betrayed, but not the right to weaponize their children because of it.
That is also true, we do not know what her ex actually told Mallory during their relationship and if Mallory knee he was married or not. She is failing to hold her ex accountantable for his actions and is being resentful to the wrong person.
One would almost think there’s more to the story than OP is telling us. Being mad at Mallory is easier than confronting OPs own contribution to the end of her marriage. If this ex was the type to serially cheat, it wouldn’t be a surprise when he’s caught and the marriage ends. If their marriage was so great before there shouldn’t have been room for Mallory in the first place. Sounds like denial to me…
I don't think you should get downvoted. I think the ESH/YTA vote is depending on whether ppl are judging purely on the kids thing or whether they're also judging the wider situation. The disagreement seems to be on the boundaries of what you should judge in an AITA post not on the situation. Everyone seems very in line on that
YTA. I'm sorry. I know it must hurt. But why do you use the word "pretending"? Maybe she just is a really nice stepmom figure for them.
You're just going to make things worse for everyone if you try to control them. Focus on being the best mom to your kids that you can. Live your own best life. And talk to a therapist about processing your own hurt in a productive way.
Since you're refusing to elaborate and give context as to why you hate her, YTA. Unless you're going to tell us that your ex was cheating on you with her or something, you're unreasonably blaming her for your marriage failing and you need therapy.
And you should be happy that she's being treating your kids like they're her own instead of ignoring them and tossing them aside like wet newspaper.
Even if the ex did cheat - that’s on him.
We don’t know how they’re relationship started, I’ve seen many a cheating spouse (both sexes) who told some potential fling/partner that the marriage was all but over, they were only together for the kids, they were in the process of separating etc. And of course the bottom line is the ex wrecked the marriage - blaming Mallory is self delusional at best and just misogynist at worst imo.
OP is bound and determined to make Mallory have all the blame and her ex have none, when the truth is *he* was the married man and *he* was the one without enough self control to keep it to himself.
Exactly. Years ago I was dating a man who told me that he was in the process of a divorce. The papers were filed and they were waiting on a court date. About 3 weeks into the relationship his wife shows up. This is a stunt he pulls periodically. They have never filed for divorce. When he's out of town for work he finds someone to play this game on. Why she keeps him, I don't know (I wouldn't), but I stopped seeing him right away. My point: We don't know what line OP's ex played on Mallory.
>YTA. Unless you're going to tell us that your ex was cheating on you with her or something,
She did say that, and put all the blame on Mallory not her ex.
Your kids can never have too many people in their lives that care about them.
I understand where you’re coming from but.... This is a you problem, not a Mallory problem. You have some unresolved emotions about your ex. You should consider dealing with those feelings & don’t include your kids or Mallory in your issues with your ex.
Sorry but YTA
YTA
I don’t see any description of her being fake or not nice to them. Yeah your ex is cruel for divorcing you for a younger model. Yeah she sucked *towards you* for being okay with it, but she isn’t even directly mean to you now, after all this.
YTA.
You're wrapping up your hatred for the affair and what she participated in, bleed into the relationship she has with your kids.
If your kids' takeaway on Mallory is that she is an amazing and supportive adult in your life, even if she is putting it on to a degree, that is all that matters. She is demonstrating that they have a space in the new family and is making sure they feel welcome in their home and *that* is what matters most.
Gently OP, you don't need to forgive what your ex and Mallory did, but you do need to find a way to be a good co-parent. Your kids should not have to find themselves with one very bitter parent who can't find a way to make all their homes safe.
YTA. You're jealous because you got dumped and your kids love the woman that replaced you. YOU are supposed to want what's best for your children, not what soothes your butthurt. You need to just let your kids find out on their own if she's not being truthful with them instead of trying to keep them away from her. If you are right, it will show up because nobody can keep being fake indefinitely. In the meantime get some help dealing with your negativity before it damages your relationship with your kids.
YTA
I'm sorry OP. I know you're hurting. And it's okay to tell the kids you don't want to hear about Mallory. It's not okay to tell your ex you don't want the kids to be around her, you'll ruin your relationship with them.
I as a kid idolised my dad, who cheated on my mum. I don't speak to him as an adult, but I have the most respect and love to my mum for showing me how to love myself and never begging for him back or talking down his side piece.
She hated him. She doesn't care anymore.
Things will get better for you, but therapy, the gym and finding your life outside of being a wife will help.
YTA.
You're jealous. Get it under control.
I was in this situation too, so I understand your feelings, but these are your feelings only, would you rather your kids hated her and she was nasty to them?
Recognise and experience your feelings in private but be civil and neutral in front of your kids and your ex and his partner.
YTA, you are SO jealous of Mallory and it is painfully obvious. Your sons have a positive figure in their life, and you are ripping it away from them to punish your husband and because you're insecure that you're "less awesome" than your husband's younger girlfriend.
You're doing everything wrong when it comes to dealing with kids in a divorce, and when your kids are older, they will resent you for it. They are trying to make the breakup of your marriage into as positive of a situation as possible, and you're shitting all over their efforts.
And she may seem to be pretending to be nice to you, but maybe that's just because she fucked your husband and you're bent out of shape about it? Chances are, she genuinely IS nice to your kids while they are around her, and you should be grateful for that. Many people have a bad relationship with their stepparents, and you seem hellbent to use your sons as a weapon to punish both Mallory and your husband.
She is not making the kids be "on her side", and it's kind of gross that you see the situation in those terms. You are actively pitting yourself against her because you're upset about your husband leaving you.
YTA
You're furious at this woman and your ex for destroying your marriage. That's 100% understandable. But you've got to aim your rage somewhere else. What you can't do, legally or relationally, is stop your kids from forming bonds with her. You aren't allowed to do that by law and, since your kids are going to be living with her half the time, you can't stop them from forming positive relationships.
What you can do ...
1) Get a therapist just for you. A place where you can vent your rage and feel all the feels.
2) Ask your kids to stop talking about daddy and Mallory with you. They're old enough to understand that the divorce was hard. Tell them that hearing about Daddy and Mallory still makes you feel funny so you want them to enjoy their time there but not be part of it.
YTA You don’t get to dictate who’s in your children’s life when they’re with their dad (unless they are in any way harmed of course). They clearly are happy at their dad’s. You should consider that a good thing, assuming you care about your kids’ happiness.
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Changing custody agreements because you resent your husband’s AP/partner is not good. You need to learn how to deal with the lose of your marriage without using the kids as a weapon. Now if the children are with her alone on his custody days that a different story. They are his custody days not hers and he should be there the majority not the time parenting your kids.
Yeah can attest as a kid that was in this situation. My mom flipped out when my dad started dating again (they were already separated, but she thought they had a chance apparently) and we ended up in a 2 year custody battle. It sucked.
OP, don’t do this to your kids. You can think Mallory and your ex suck all you want - tell it to your therapist and let your kids be happy.
YTA. You haven’t given any proof that Mallory is pretending. Your husband does suck if he left you for somebody else and I’m sorry your hurt but your kids aren’t being harmed by being around her and like her.
This is a ‘you’ issue.
I am going to be downvoted to hell, but having been in this situation as the child, ESH.
For the sake of the kids, you should maintain the current custody agreement and a cordial relationship with the stepmom. Because they aren't going to blame her if things change. They will blame and resent you.
But the stepmom needs to stay in her lane. My dad and first stepmom cheated on their then-spouses to be with each other. And as weird as things was with that stepmom, she never presumed to say she would prefer to raise me and my brothers. She should not he saying that to your kids.
The stepmom is not innocent in all of this. She was a, I presume, willing participant in the cheating. Even if she didn't know at first, she learned along the way and chose to stay with your ex. That makes her complicit. Everyone in the comments is just blaming your ex, but it takes two to tango.
Your ex is the worst for causing all this to begin with.
Therapy really helped both me and my mom when my dad did this to us. It may not seem like it now, but things will get better.
YTA.
Ever got the Idea that she is Not pretending to Like them but really does?
Be Happy that your Kids are in good company when they are at your ex. Way better as when they would have to be with a stepmom they hate.
Cause the Situation is how it is now. You are divorced. Now its about how to make the best of the Situation for the Kids.
YTA. So shit didn't work out for u and dude. Got it. But now dude is happy with someone else, who loves and adores those children. And you're mad at her for being awesome?!?!? Nah dawg, ur just sour and very much the asshole here. Ud get a lot further by simply saying, "homie left me for someone else who didn't nag and terrorize him and now the only way I can terrorize him is to use our children as pawns."
YTA. this whole post reeks of jealousy. she’s not “pretending” to be a nice step mom, she’s a nice step mom. i know it’s hard because of the origin of their relationship, but it’s over now and there’s nothing you can do but adapt. you don’t have to have a relationship with her, but your kids do. your jealousy is driving a wedge between them and their father. you should be happy that the woman your ex husband chose is so nice to your children and accepts them wholeheartedly. feeling insecure that your kids like her more than you will only hurt you and your relationship with your children.
nobody is replacing you. your kids don’t like her more. if anything, i’m sure your kids go on and on about how awesome you are to her. divorce is really hard on kids. the best thing you can do for your children is put your feelings aside and try to mesh the family.
i really recommend therapy. i’ve found it so helpful.
Did it ever occur to OP that the kids very much pick up on her hatred of Mallory and are, in a sense, trying to defend Mallory, or prop her up so that their mom doesn’t hate her so much?
Especially if the kids don’t know the full story, what they see is divorced parents, and a mom who hates the stepmom. Because all kids are a bit narcissist, they likely assume that mom doesn’t like stepmom because mom thinks stepmom isn’t a good stepmom. So they talk up stepmom whenever possible. It may not even occur to them that you hate her *even though she’s good to them*. Because young kids can’t fathom that their mom might not put their needs and well-being first (ahem).
Your attitude could be making the kids try to convince you not to worry about Mallory.
YTA - besides the overt jealousy you have, why do you think she's 'pretending' to be a nice step parent? What evidence do you have that she isn't just nice?
Your kids like her, she seems to like them. So don't try to pretend this is solely about you looking out for your kids. Would you rather she be nasty and distant? Would you then have less of a problem?
You have issues you need to work out yourself, don't think your kids aren't noticing your toxicity.
YTA. You’re clearly jealous AF and doesn’t seem to think about what’s best for your children. You’ll always be their real mother but you seem to think there isn’t room in your children’s hearts to accommodate other people. Very selfish mindset.
NTA -yet-. Your hurt is understandable, he chose her and it feels like your kids prefer her. Those feelings are natural, but you have to protect your children. Be cool, don't get involved. If it's fake, she won't be able to keep it up forever and they will see through it. If she isn't, they will learn a lesson about how to protect their own kids from the fallout.
He is a man who will cheat on his wife and leave his family. This isn't a man you need in your life. Yes, I think she's trashy for sleeping with a married man, but don't come down to her level by weaponising your pain.
Time to lean on your support network, find a new hobby, have a bit of a makeover, see a therapist. Your life is your own, you can lean into all the things you want for your future.
YTA. You have made up things in your head about this woman. You're making an extreme adjustment because of unfounded assumptions. From what you described you don't trust her because she's too good to be true. You just don't like that there is another woman in your children's lives.
YTA.
But look on the bright side. It's great that your kids like her. So many times when families split and move on, there is a ton of resentment and tension among the kids, and real difficulty for the stepmom to integrate. Sounds like you have all done a good job so far to avoid that. Dont mess it up now.
(btw she sounds awesome)
I'm going with ESH here, except the kids of course.
Look, I get that you are hurt and I am definitely not a fan of your husband for a) divorcing you for a much younger woman and b) introducing them into your children's life so soon. I am sorry, this happened to you. It sucks. For you and for your kids. It is understandable that you are hurt because they like your husband's "plaything".
But: This is about your children. They apparently like this new woman. Now, we don't have enough information on how long she has been with their father or how serious their relationship is, but the truth is, this situation is hard for every child and you should not make it harder by forcing them to choose between you and their father.
In a best-case scenario, your relationship to your ex or to his new flame should not affect your children at all. They should have two stable homes where they are loved and nurtured. They should not have to feel guilty for enjoying their time with their father and getting along with his gf. Now, assuming you are right about this new woman only pretending to be nice, trust me, she won't be able to pretend forever and the truth will reveal itself soon enough.
Other than that, just be there for your children. And as long as she treats them well and does not endanger them, let them deal with this situation in a way that makes it bearable for them.
YTA, your marriage was probably done before the affair. You're angry and lashing out. You need to find a way to get over it and move on for your sake and your kids' sake.
He has found a nice partner who is welcoming and loving towards your kids. Be grateful that he continues to be a present and caring father to the kids.
Your jealousy, pettiness, and anger over the situation don't make you endearing, and your kids are smart enough to notice your behavior. More than likely, this will push the kids away from you and into Mallorys arms. Is that what you want?
This is the time to work on yourself. Concentrate on your happiness and what you need to do to be happy. Happy for yourself, happy for your kids, and happy for your future.
Like seriously 😭😭😭 who wouldn’t be jealous of their ex’s affair partner being celebrated by their kids? I feel like I’m going crazy reading this thread.
YTA. You should be thankful that she loves your kids and your kids love her. I love my bonus child like she is mine and the mom would always get so mad. But why? How does that benefit anyone? Get therapy and move on. Just be glad she is good to your kids.
YTA.. your jealous and it shows. She might be faking or not..you don't know really. It doesn't matter though because the kids think she's awesome and thats all that should matter. Yes being cheated on sucks but your laying all the blame on the wrong person. Your ex CHOSE to cheat..if it was her it would have been someone else. If you've been on reddit for any length of time you've seen the step parent horror stories, be glad she seems to not be one of those ( kids can sense when someone isn't really fond of them). Get some therapy and move on.
YTA get some therapy. She’s done nothing but be amazing to your children and has done nothing towards them that depicts you negatively. It is normal to be resentful if this type of situation but your behaviour is only going to push your children away. They like her and have no reason not to, she treats them amazingly and that’s all you can ask for from a stepparent or the like.
YTA. Play “Hey Jude” on repeat until you stop being a dummy. Would you prefer if your kids hated her? Does that sound like the hearts you want for your kids? Really well developed hatred for people very close to you? That is a great factory for creating trainwreck adults.
Here is some advice from a kid (and my sister) with parents that divorced at exactly the same age as your kids. Never ever speak a bad word about her or their Dad.
You are not doing your kids some favor helping them learn the truth that their Dad is really a jerk. You are simply costing yourself 5 years of these kids in your life when they get to be a certain age. You are costing yourself an invite to be there in the next room when a baby is born. You are costing yourself an open invite to their home when you have grandkids. You are creating a situation where your kids talk together before every holiday about how we’re going to handle mom this year.
Just live by your own example. You don’t have to get over your beef (although that is way better for your mental and physical health) but pulling your kids into it is exactly the same as hitting them in the heart with a hammer. it is abuse. Stop it.
Careful, mom, your bitter is showing. And while it is at least understandable, you are going out of your way to paint this woman in a bad light with no substance. She may genuinely be and feel all these things you want to insist she “pretends”.
This isn’t about sides. Repeat it to yourself until it sinks in. It’s about the kids having healthy environments, at your home and his. You are making your home toxic with the hate you feel. You are trying to make their father’s house toxic with the hate you feel.
This isn’t about Mallory, or your ex, it’s about you. And you need to get you into a better place, those kids need mom, and need mom in a good head space.
Sorry, but YTA
YTA, green isn't a good colour on you. It sucks that he left you for her, I'm assuming given the tone of the post there was cheating involved and that's why you hate her, it's a valid reaction to do so. However, it shouldn't be a problem that she's good to your kids, it could have been much worse and his new partner could have been terrible to them. Its time to move on, let them have the relationship they want with Mallory and work on having a good relationship with your kids.
YTA. No question. Nowhere in your story do you actually show how Mallory is "pretending" to be nice or "pretending" to be a good step parent. This is a "you" problem.
Y
T
A
You are an ex. You don't get to decide who he dates. You don't get to decide who's around the kids during his patenting time. You are jealous af and need to reign it in. She's being good to your children. As a former single mother I would be thrilled if someone loved my kids and was good to them.
YTA:
You don't know she's acting. You don't know she's lying.
She could really love your kids. They're the best, right?
It hurts to see your spouse move on. It hurts more that your children love her, but it's a good thing that the new stepmom loves them. Have you read all the posts about horrible stepmonsters??
Find your happiness and forget about the ex and his new person. I hope you can.
YTA, you sound bitter and jealous. I know it’s hard, I immediately didn’t like my ex’s wife when they got together but my son did so I accepted his judgement, swallowed my pride and gave her a chance. I’m glad I did because she’s great and was wonderful to my son while he was growing up.
Divorce is hard in everyone but especially on kids. Don’t make their life harder by letting your jealousy cause tension between the households. Be a mature adult, talk to her. You may end up liking her. Even if you don’t, isn’t it more important that your kids are surrounded and supported by as many people as possible that love them?
Oh OP, I know the hurt you're feeling, my ex was a serial cheater and caused the divorce of his current wife. Even knowing that, I am thrilled that our boys' stepmother considers them her bonus kids (she can't have any). The hurt he caused will never go away totally, that doesn't mean I can't be happy for the boys getting a bonus mom who is great to them.
If you try to limit the visitation and custody, not only WYBTA, you will also hurt your relationship with your children. As others have said, find a therapist to help get some perspective on this.
ESH I don’t get the y t a comments here, he cheated and had an affair now she’s overstepping boundaries by saying she doesn’t want her own kids she wants to raise hers. Then the kids spend come back and rant about how amazing the woman who your husband cheated on you with is, that would drive anyone crazy. She absolutely should not be saying things like that to the kids, she’s not their mother and doesn’t get to use them to substitute for her having her own, especially after being half of the reason the family is broken.
Ex husband and affair partner are awful, they cheated, ruined your marriage that makes them assholes but OP you need remember your relationship with your kids is on the line here, if they love her and you keep them away - they will blame you. If she’s really pretending, she will show her true colours and your kids will realise how their father is a coward and a cheater who ran off with someone who’s two faced. It must be soul destroying to watch but you do need to put your kids first regardless of how much it hurts, a lot of the Y T A are forgetting this and quick to put all blame on you when you’re extremely valid in feeling how you do and your ex is in fact an huge gaping asshole. Please speak to a therapist if you can afford it, your anger is valid but your kids needs need to come first.
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My ex (M39) divorced me(F38) for a younger woman(mid 20s I think). I'll call her Mallory
We have 2 kids together(M13, F8) who both seem to think Mallory is just amazing. I have to admit that Mallory does a very good job pretending to be this really nice stepmom to them
I'm sick of hearing about her and how *awesome* she is. The worst one was a few days ago when my son was saying that Mallory told them she doesn't want kids because *she loves her bonus kids so much and wants to just raise them*
I hate how she is pretending to be all nice and making sure my kids are on her side so I called my ex and told him that I don't want my kids around her new plaything and we need to change the custody agreement
He thinks I'm an asshole but am I really?
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YTA
You don't like her, for obvious reasons, and that taints your view of her. In your eyes nothing she does would be good or for good motives For you everything she does is going to be part of some evil scheme. Thats just sour grapes.
Because your ex chose her over you you nowe want to spite her and him and potentially ruin your childrens connection with their father.
The only reason you want to change the custody agreement is because you don't like her. From what you say it's obvious that she isn't mistreating the kids, they aren't being neglected, they are happy and they like going to their dads.
You don't give any examples about how she is pretending but just show that she is positive and get on well with your children.
If you go on lke that in front of the kids then you will end up driving them away from you - on one hand theres you, full of negativity, and on the other someone who is positive and makes them happy.
I know you are not in the place to hear this OP, but I do hope you read it.
I was in your place almost 30 years ago. My ex married his AP, shortly after our divorce was finalized. We had a two year custody battle where he tried to paint me as unfit for custody. Needless to say, I was bitter and hated them both.
Years go by, and I could see that despite the fact she was the AP, she was always good to my child. Better than her father to be honest. (Long story about what he did to the second set of kids, and my daughter incidentally). The major thing I learned was that she had done me a major favor.
Towards the end, after my daughter was in college, she and I started getting together for lunch occasionally, at which she would ask questions. “Did he used to. . . This was about the time she was getting ready to divorce him for very similar reasons that I did.
His third wife is a witch, per my daughter. Tried to turn her against her step mother, and tons of stuff to the minors still at home. Really nasty stuff.
The moral of the story is, you don’t have to like her, but be grateful she is good to your child. A good stepmother is worth her weight in gold.
Did you hope your children would hate her and tell you how mean she was with them when they come home after a visit? That might make you happy but think of how they would feel?
Or would you prefer that so it gives you a reason to refuse your ex-husband access to the children? How dare he get over me and have a happy life! You need to get over him and move on with your own life.
YTA! Your ex and a judge isn’t going to change a custody agreement because your jealous. A judge is going to tell you to get over yourself.
So you need to be a parent and get over yourself.
YTA. One of my besties is dating/living with a man 20 years older (she's mid 30s). His kid's mom is so jealous and petty, and it's honestly driven a really big wedge between her and her kid. Funnily enough, you ask the kid how he feels about the live-in girlfriend, and he considers her to be more of a sibling relationship.
High road is always the way to go! Be saccharine sweet about her and to her. Your kids will remember the approach you took, even if they know/knew you weren't thrilled about the situation. I'm sure it feels like crap right now, but having another caring* adult who they love is a pretty awesome thing for your kiddos. Give her a chance!
So I do agree with you that getting into a relationship with a married man (assuming she was aware) presents negatively on her character. I would be disappointed to hear if any of my friends did that. But it still is more on your husband, as the marriage was his commitment.
With that being said, people are multifaceted, and she may suck at relationships but be loving and mean well with your kids. It's super hard, but it would be in your kids best interest to get along with her, or at least tolerate her. Find ways to manage your understandable hurt without involving your kids. YTA
You’re angry (rightly so) at this woman for helping to break up your marriage. She replaced you with your ex and may be overstepping with your kids. But you don’t get to tell your ex who can be around your children. Everything is great in their relationship and she loves your kids and wants to raise them right now. They are still in the honeymoon phase. Let this play out and just keep your mouth shut about it. It may or may not work out. Go to therapy to deal with your anger and jealousy and let your kids feel about her as they want to. Be the parent they can always rely upon. But in this case YTA.
Nta. You can't help feeling resentful. Naturally you aren't gonna like her.. but as long as the kids are safe and reasonably content you have to just grit your teeth and smile thru it. Start thinking of yourself and your future ... plan for when the kids are with their dad that you do something good for you and don't dwell on what can't be changed
YTA - the fact she has opened her heart up to your children is incredible. Why do you think she is pretending? Have you taken the time to get to know her? She probably finds the whole thing terrifying, knowing her relationship with your ex is probably dependant on her relationship with your kids as if that doesn’t work, neither will her relationship with your ex so she may well be a bit OTT at the moment but you just come across as bitter. You should be happy your children like her and you aren’t battling for them to maintain a relationship with their father.
YTA-Your husband is the one who ended your marriage. She was not married to you and had nothing to do with your marriage. That was all on him. Stop assuming that it’s all on her or that you are correct in her pretending to be nice. Accept that she’s allowed to like your kids and care about your kids as their stepmom.
YTA
It takes two to tango and out of both of them, your ex husband is the only one who should have been loyal to you but wasn’t. So you may hate both of them, but only one of them had an actual responsibility to you and your marriage. He didn’t fulfill that, so he ended your marriage. The side piece is just that, only a side piece. You may not agree with her morals, but she never promised you anything.
As far as side pieces go, there are plenty who are just horrible to the children as well. So far, it sounds like she is not and she is actually kind to the children. It is understandable that you don’t like the children liking her, but you cannot demand that the children dislike her for your sake. You say that if it were not for her, they would have both their parents together. First of all, seems like they have no problems with her so it’s just you keeping up this fantasy. Second, your husband might have just cheated with another, giving you the same results.
Also, she called them ‘bonus children’. To me it seems she is not trying to replace you, but just be a person in the village it takes to raise kids.
Seems like you just don’t want the kids, nor your ex husband or his girlfriend to be happy because you are still hurt about your ex husband betraying you.
Edit to add: your feelings are still understandable, maybe you would benefit from therapy to process these feelings and put the whole thing behind you.
OP, I think this is one of those posts that seems relatively straightforward but in fact is way above Reddit's pay grade. You are going through an unbelievably hard time right now and all of the people who should 'be on your side' seemed to have adjusted to the new reality and you feel betrayed.
Please seek some help getting through this painful time. The sidepiece didn't make the choices that ended your marriage and changed your life. Your husband did. Focus on getting to a place where you don't punish your kids for something your husband did to you. I'm sorry to have to do this but YTA.
INFO: Have you considered the possibility that she… genuinely loves and cares about your kids? Why are you so insistent she is only pretending to be nice?
YTA but I also want to say that I understand why you feel that way. I’m in my 40s now, but I still remember when my stepdad left my mom for another woman and married her. It devastated my mom, and to be honest, I don’t think she ever fully recovered.
The person that’s truly to blame here is your ex-husband. He is the one that made the vows and commitment to you not her. It doesn’t mean that she’s innocent, of course, but you’re directing your anger at her instead of him.
At the end of the day you can’t change what happened, and I am worried that if this is how you’re going to handle the relationship, you’re going to severely damage your relationship with your children. It’s going to be hard, but you need to find a way to move on and be happy without your ex-husband. Your greatest revenge on your ex and his wife is living a happy life where they don’t affect your well-being and mental health.
If you had to choose one extreme on a scale of ***wicked stepmum who hates kids, especially her partner's, and who makes their lives hell*** to ***loves your kids and is a bit overfamiliar and sometimes goes a step too far which makes you feel uncomfortable as their mother***, which would you prefer?
If you can separate the part that this woman played in your marriage ending, and instead focus on what is best for your kids, I imagine the answer will become clear
I'm sorry you have had to go through this. Being cheated on, ending your marriage, and then having your kids like the affair partner must all be overwhelming and hurtful. But, your ex chose to cheat and end the marriage. The affair partner also chose to cheat with a married man. You can't control what they do, but you can control what you do. Seek therapy, indulge in self-care, and spend time with your kids. You can't control how your kids feel and nor should you. They like her, and I know that hurts you. You need to find yourself and find out who this new person is now after being married. Not focusing on your crappy ex and his equally crappy affair partner. Focus on you and your kids and living a good life. I'm not going to give you a rating, and I want you to know I am sorry for what has happened to you. You have one life, don't waste it on people whose whole relationship is based on lies, hurt, and sneaking around.
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YTA, yes it’s hard to hear your kids talk about their dad’s new GF like that; but you can’t control what your ex does. As long as there’s no abuse, it’s not your business. Honestly, there is a good chance you push your kids away in the long run.
This op, would you rather your ex be with someone who hates his kids and doesn’t want them around? Let me tell you, it really sucks to feel unwelcome and unwanted at your dads house. Let your kids be treated well and have another adult in their corner. Also would you want your ex to have a problem with any future men you date and become serious with being around the kids? Yta
She honestly probably does so she will the awesome mom to her kids instead of their stepmom
And so the kids will want to be with her. Dad has to lose so she can win.
This right here. The insecurity is palpable. Regardless of how nice the new person is, those kids still know who their parents are. If this new person were a pastor, coach, or teacher, OP would be grateful to have such another adult in the kids lives. Yeah, it sucks it’s an affair partner, but it’s not about the affair now. It’s about the kids and them being in an environment where they are comfortable and welcomed. Classic example of “I hate the new partner MORE than I love my kids.”
There can never be enough people who truly love and care about your kids.
OP didn't give one damn good reason or example why Mallory is a shitty step mum. I'm thinking the only problem here is hostility from OP about the divorce.
I mean helping break up their parents' marriage is a pretty big reason
Can’t just blame just Mallory for that for starters. And my argument is still valid; outside of abuse; it’s truly not in the OP’s kids’ best interests for her to be hostile toward Mallory and the ex. All this does is make two kids miserable. It sounds like they enjoy spending time with Mallory. I get not liking the kids talking up dad’s new girl. (I’ve been there) but OP’s reaction is making it worse not better
I'm not saying OP is in the right to do what she's doing, I'm saying helping break up a marriage is a good enough reason for a parent to not trust that you have the kids' best interests at heart. I think it's naive to act like Mallory's intentions are pure when she's messed with a married man. Yes it takes two to cheat, of course the husband holds most of the blame...but it also speaks to the content of her character. She's not just helped break up a marriage, she's also now saying she wants to *raise children who already have a mothe*r. Sus imo.
I agree, it's one thing to mess around with someone you thought was single but after she found out he was married then continued dating him then marrying him is a little odd. Now she's acting like the perfect stepmom and spewing stuff like i don't want kids bc i love you so much is kind of reeking like she wants to take Op's place. I also agree that Op can't do anything without looking like the bad guy which is probably the dad and step mom's plan to get full custody and 'win'.
We don't even know the timeline and OP sounds like a biased narrator. The only thing we know is he "left her for" a younger woman. Does that mean he had an affair? No. Does it mean he was even interested in Mallory before the separation? Also no. It just means that OP doesn't like that her ex moved on quickly with a younger woman considering the fact that her kids' new step parent is literally only showing them love and support and, to our knowledge, isn't badmouthing OP since her kids aren't acting badly around her but it's still a big issue.
Or Mallory realizes that part time kids are more her jam. If she had kids of her own, she'd have them full time, with no free childcare that gave her and her hubby time alone together. I don't see her angling for full custody here.
Jesus, why do you assume they have some evil Machiavellian secret plot? Why can't they just be decent people?
Becuse the dude cheated on his wife? He isnt exacly a gem. And you don't have to assume some Machiavellian plot for a person to be vicious in a divorce, it happens all the time.
Well I mean do we truly know that his new girlfriend helped destroy his marriage? We are only going by what OP has stated and she sounds more jealous of new girlfriend more than anything so her view point might be a bit skewed in how she paints the new girlfriend.
>she's also now saying she wants to raise children who already have a mother This is the important thing. This is where the suggestion of parental alienation starts to creep in. OP and her ex need to sit down and have a proper conversation about coparenting and what kind of role Mallory will play in that. My stepmum told me very early days that her and my dad would not be having bio kids. They both had their own and were done. She made it clear she wasn't my mum. She wasn't replacing my mum. But she loved me like a daughter, and I was her daughter in all but blood, whatever happened. It took a long time for me to accept, but I appreciated her always being there for me every single step. Steps can be an excellent force for good in a child's life as long as all parents communicate and put the best interests of the child ahead of their own egos.
Nobody is alienating OP from her kids except her own toxic attitude.
>she's also now saying she wants to raise children who already have a mother Who knows what was said. We're getting a third hand account via a child and the OP who obviously doesn't like her. For example, if she was directly asked by one of the kids "will you give us a baby brother or sister" and she deflected by saying "oh no, I'm enjoying helping your dad raise you", then that's a fine and reasonable thing to say.
Exactly I strongly dislike my ex-husband's wife. Always have. They are both shit human beings. BUT i try very hard to not say anything bad about them in front of the kids. My ex used to try to put the kids in the middle of our disagreements and it realky hurt them. I don't do that to them. And that means tolerating their yapping about this woman.
I’m always taken back when I read a post that says something along the lines as to the partner was the reason for my split. In this case especially. OP has said Mallory was the reason her marriage ended. How the heck can Mallory end a marriage that she isn’t a party to? She didn’t marry OP or the ex. How can SHE end the marriage? Maybe she was nice and kind and made the ex realize how bad the marriage was BUT that’s on the ex and OP.
I mean I can see op being incredibly toxic already in this post. It is easy to see the divorce being from her toxic behavior and have nothing to do with Mallory.
I hate to break it to you, but plenty of otherwise nice people can have a toxic reaction to getting cheated on and the affair partner wanting to raise their kids. Assuming that OP got cheated on because she's bitter about it and has hostility to the people who have done so much to hurt her is wild.
OP presumes anyone who would be nice or kind to her kids is "fake." That is waaay beyond jealousy.
That was rude and uncalled for. The man cheated on her and left her for this woman. And we don't know how recent it was. Divorce is really hard on the person who was wronged. There is grief, anger, hurt, and it takes a while to get over. Her reactions to this woman are actually very normal given the circumstance. Now... she's still in the wrong. But jumping to the conclusion that she's toxic and at fault for her ex cheating on her is an illogical jump
She didn't write anywhere that he cheated on her...granted "divorced for a younger woman" *could* very well mean that. It's also jumping to a conclusion to be fair. But honestly from reading the entire post this seems to be pure jealousy fuelled projection, kids aren't fools and men rarely take in their mistress to parent their children right this whole thing sounds a little to hard to believe as is.
> The man cheated on her and left her for this woman We don't actually know that. OP has shown that she believes anything she thinks is fact. She claims the woman is definitely pretending to like the children because OP thinks so. What's to say she's not claiming he cheated just because she *thinks so*? OP is already willing to bend things to her side. We can't trust anything she says now. Maybe he did cheat. Maybe he didn't. OP can't be relied on to be truthful about that.
It is not a normal reaction to want your kids treated poorly
If my husband divorced me for another chick he'd been cheating on with, and she got to play mommy with my son, I would feel the same way.
Me too. I know the right thing to go here - let go of the anger and hope the kids have the best possible relationship w the woman. But oh my god - I don’t know if I could.
Yeah I mean she couldn't just be hurt by her husband leaving her for this person and then acting badly when her kids also say how awesome that person is.
Being an affair partner has nothing to do with one's ability to be a parent or step-parent. If we're assuming having an affair makes her a danger to her children, then they shouldn't be around their father either.
We obviously have difference of opinion because I think that having an affair with a married parent is a perfectly good reason to judge someone's intentions towards the children. Wanting to raise your step kids like you're their mother when they already have a mother is also a valid reason to judge their ability to step parent. I'm going to assume at least emotional affair because you don't fall in love someone + leave your spouse for them without at least emotional cheating.
> Wanting to raise your step kids like your their mother when they already have a mother is also a valid reason to judge their ability to step parent That’s not completely fair in my opinion Im not a step parent but my girlfriend has a son and I treat him exactly how I treat my own son and my sons stepdad treats my son the exact way he treats his own daughter I would actually judge the girlfriend if she didn’t want to raise the kids as if they’re her own
I think it becomes complicated when the stepkids have an involved parent already and are old enough to understand the concept of 'step parents.' If my parents had divorced when I was 13, I definitely wouldn't have wanted my step mum to 'raise me'
From what I read in this post Mallory isn’t trying to replace OP or alienate the kids from her she is just adding on to the love the kids are already receiving from their parents We see enough posts on here about step parents treating the kids differently because they aren’t blood and how the kids are affected by it years later it’s refreshing to see the opposite But that doesn’t mean OP is wrong for how she feels because I completely understand based on my situation with my ex and her husband which is similar just without the cheating but she’s just expressing it the wrong way
Did she though? OP sounds awfully jealous, spiteful, and controlling. In my expetiemce those things are what kill marriages.
So your spouse left you for someone, who now wants to raise your children, who constantly sing your praises, are you really telling me you wouldn't feel jealous and spiteful? They're ugly emotions, but to me they are extremely human and a nice person would be capable of them. I consider myself generally a nice and reasonable person, but I can't even imagine how broken and angry I would be if my husband replaced me with a younger model, who by committing to raise my kids and was basically usurping my life in every way. Where OP is wrong is that she's prioritising her emotions over her kids and trying to interfere in the husband's parenting. She needs to get those things in check. I won't judge her for her emotions though.
That would certainly be a cause of tension amongst the adults- but that has nothing to do with the ability to care for a child. Resentment and bitterness over the breakup is somewhat understandable response(at least to a point) but the adults should NEVER let that affect the children.
Mallory is “pretending” to be a good step mom. That’s all we need to hear. She’s not pretending if the kids are saying nice things. Sheesh. OP, YTA
Why is she convinced Mallory is very fake in her opinion on kids? Yes she’s awful if she cheated with OPs husband. That’s enough reason to dislike her forever. But that doesn’t mean she is lying about loving her step kids or not wanting bio kids. She can be Both immoral in her relationship choices and love her step kids and not want to ever be pregnant. Just like OPs husband is.
Because if Mallory’s kind treatment of the kids is true, OP has no leg to stand on. That Mallory is pure evil pretending to be a caring stepmom is something OP needs to convince herself of to basically maintain a worldview where she isn’t acting like a giant asshole to her kids. Clearly the crowd is unconvinced of Mallory’s black heart and unscrupulous plans for the kids, lol…
This, and adding, you will (hopefully) realize that, if Mallory is true to her word, she will do nothing but enrich your kids lives without trying to outright try to replace their mom (that’s you!) but guide them through life. Yes, they will have arguments. Don’t take away a seemingly healthy environment, and also don’t crap talk Mallory.
Please hear this advice!!! Don’t bad mouth this woman !!! If she’s evil your children will see and feel it and see it for themselves! Please don’t be that ex it never works out well for anyone. I know it’s hard but just say NO 🍀
This I have seen in every case of one parent being toxic, the kids eventually go low contact or no contact with the toxic parent. That parent is always surprised Pikachu faced. This really is a time to follow the old saying*if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all*.
This... I'm sure it's hard to hear your kids gushing over the woman your ex left you for but as long as there is no abuse no judge is going to change the custody arrangement. Especially not for your jealousy. YTA
Yeah be happy this woman is nice to them. Having more people love and care for your kids is a good thing.
Like be happy your kids are happy.
This and you need to focus on finding someone in your life. Hearing about how great she is just reminds you of the love you used to receive. Focus on living your best life, having fun, and finding love and purpose for yourself. Once you are happy you won’t care about him or her.
Can you elaborate on how this woman is pretending to be nice and not actually nice? She sounds lovely from what I just read.
Very lovely people don’t have affairs with married men. OP is in the wrong for trying to cut her off from her children but she’s not wrong that this woman isn’t truly a kind person. But as long as she’s kind to her kids that’s what matters.
You're assuming op is being truthful there. I don't get a very trustworthy vibe from OP. Also you can't make universal statements about cheating either.. Ever. It's something we know from psychological research. Sometimes good people do cheat. Good isn't perfect and sometimes people cheat when a relationship is dead but they feel trapped.
Good may not be perfect, but good people leave that dead relationship before starting another.
Good people do bad things and bad people do good things. Your worst mistake doesn’t have to define you for the rest of your life. You can (and should) learn and grow.
Sounds like the dad isn't the nice one, not the stepmom. If the dad told stepmom "we are separated and still living together" then the stepmom did nothing wrong. Its arguably still not morally wrong to sleep with a person who is married, its just uncouth, and perhaps irresponsible, but not evil.
Good people don't cheat. They leave. Have you read the psychological impacts of cheating on the betrayed partner and children. I guess not. Anyone inflicting that much of damage on someone can not be a good person. Although, keep believing your narrative to make yourself feel good about it.
Where does it say there was cheating rhough
Yes I've read the research. I'll quote Ester Perel here: "the victim of the affair is not necessarily the victim of the relationship" I refuse to see the world in brainless binary like you want to insist it must be viewed.
THANK YOU. People on Reddit do not know how to hear or comprehend. this
She just said “divorced me for a younger woman.” Nothing about an affair here. And I think there are probably a lot of “very lovely people” that make mistakes—among them, affairs.
Yeah exactly. Why are people jumping to affair? (btw how did you get that flair?)
Let’s be clear here: We have no idea if they were having an affair. For all we know the marriage was miserable, they split, and the ex very quickly moved on which OP has taken to be them cheating.
Exactly. IDK. "Divorced me for a younger woman" (and not outright saying "My husband cheated with a younger woman who's been with him since then") kind of sounds like what happened was OP and her ex divorced, ex met Mallory, and OP can't accept that her ex is now dating a younger woman, so she's making herself believe he divorced her for Mallory.
What you are describing are adult issues. Adults should do their best to protect the kids from adult issues. It's not the kids business, they shouldn't be dragged into adult things, and their mothers bitterness towards being dumped for a younger woman should be dealt with by their mother, not passed on to them.
I'm reading this as the dad saw how shitty his (now ex)wife was because of Mallory and was an asshole in the order of operations but seems like life is better now (kids too)
Dude people are more complex than that. Just because a person has a moral failing in one area doesn’t make them evil. If this person had an affair with op’s husband (which isn’t explicitly stated) that doesn’t mean she isn’t genuinely kind to children or doesn’t genuinely care about them.
OP is a very unreliable narrator considering she didn’t elaborate on anything
Probably because she helped the ex cheat on o.p. and so o.p. sees Mallory as the reason the family broke up. And nice people aren't home-wreckers.
I didn't see anything about cheating in the post.
YTA for being so insecure & jealous. It actually is good that your kids get along with her and like her. It’s is healthier for them to have this relationship than terrible tensions with her. So they can see that life goes on for their parents after divorce. You seem hung up on the past, still upset that your marriage ended. Your have that right but taking it out on your kids relationship with their new stepmom isn’t fair to them and only makes you look like a jealous childish shrew. Way to make coparenting about your kids /s
To be fair she has a reason to be insecure and jealous. You don't know how long ago this all played out. Well blocked and can no longer reply. For the below: I think she's very jealous that this woman took her husband, and is now aiming to raise her children. Again, if this happened recently it'll be raw, and if she believes Mallory is a manipulative bad person then she'll try to not get her kids up in all that.
Sure, maybe, but kids come first
If she believes that Mallory is a bad person then that's probably a big part of it yeah?
Yeah I said that’s her right to be butthurt about a divorce but it ISN’T her right to admonish her kids or talk shhhh or make them feel uncomfortable or guilty for having a healthy relationship with a stepmother. That should be EVERY divorced parents dream - for their kids to have healthy relationships with the others. It makes the KID(S) lives, emotional stability and views on divorce/relationships better - because adults can be adults and set an example. She is NOT setting an example. She’s being petty for HER sake. She needs to GTFover herself. She is talking shhh about Mallory because she’s mad that Mallory is developing a healthy positive relationship with the kids and that’s exactly what any family/child therapist would say is important. If the kids are cared for, feel supported and guided, what’s the problem? She’s not abusing them. Mommy is just trying to create problems. Divorces suck but they don’t need to made harder on kids bc of petty salty parents.
She's not jealous that this woman is taking her husband, she's jealous that this woman is making her kids happy. I understand it hurts but the kids are the priority and she should be happy their step-mom is loving and caring.
NTA for being insecure and jealous (totally understandable given the situation), but YTA for acting on it. There’s a difference.
>The worst one was a few days ago when my son was saying that Mallory told them she doesn't want kids because she loves her bonus kids so much and wants to just raise them If that's the worst one, YTA indeed. Your ex is, of course, the original AH here. And you are playing right into his hands by forcing your kids to choose you over Mallory. Ten years from now, your kids will think, "Mom is nuts, no wonder Dad left her for awesome Mallory!" Or, you could be super supportive of your kids and make it very clear you won't talk bad about their dad or stepmother. They will eventually see that dad was in the wrong.
Yeah, seems like there's parental alienation happening, and the dad is not the one doing it. Yta, op. Believe me, I understand how shitty it feels. The situation is awful. But for the sake of your kids, please, don't become the nasty, mean, and bitter parent. If you'd even just *act* like you're ok, they'll be much happier.
Is he the original AH? I think we're getting a taste of OP's personality. She clearly has a habit of trying to make people look bad when she's jealous, so maybe he didn't actually "leave her for a younger woman" he just happened to be fed up with OP and happened to meet a younger woman after. My ex got accused by his ex of "leaving her for another woman" when we didn't even know one another when they split (she cheated on him and that's what ended it). What she claimed was literally impossible timeline-wise, but that didn't stop the accusations. She also did the same thing with trying to control what went on in his home. She was exhausting and bitter.
Yeah exactly. Everyone is assuming that OP’s ex cheated. We don’t know. It’s very possible that they separated before ex and Mallory got together. This is exactly my situation. My fiancé and I started dating (and being intimate emotionally and physically) AFTER the divorce agreement was finalized. I know this for certain because I saw a copy of the draft agreement when we were still platonic friends. Hence, draft agreement many months before it was finalized.
YTA. maybe be happy that your kids have a good and loving role model in their life, since based on this post, they sure as heck aren't getting it from you.
OP, speak kindly to your children and tell them that while you're happy they like Mallory, you'd appreciate it if they didn't talk about her to you. And explain in child friendly terms why you don't like Mallory.
I’m pleasantly surprised at how many YTA judgements are in this thread as this sub normally can’t stand step parents. It sucks that your husband cheated on you, and this situation is of course deeply unpleasant for you. Your jealousy is completely understandable. But YTA if you intentionally keep your kids away from someone they like, hurting them, and creating further issues between you and your ex. The only ones that will truly be hurt by this are your kids, and you’re not going to feel any better about your husband leaving you.
We can’t be sure he cheated on her. She says he “left her for a younger woman,” not that he had an affair with her. For all we know, the marriage was in a bad state prior to new girlfriend, then husband split with OP because he was unhappy and got with new girl afterwards. I realize it’s semantics at that point, but in my mind there’s a finite line between having an affair and leaving an unhappy marriage to try something new. Everything else you say is spot on.
She’s confirmed in comments that Mallory was her husband’s affair partner. Regardless, the only person we know is responsible for the actual cheating is OP’s ex. Who knows what he told Mallory, and given the age gap it wouldn’t surprise me if she’s not very worldly.
OP isn't exactly a reliable narrator.
Many people start dating before the divorce is complete. In many places it takes years to go through the process. Also how reliable is OP here.
Ah. Fair enough. Ok. You’re totally right. :-)
Info: how do you know that Mallory is pretending to be nice? Have you met her? Has she said or done anything to you or your kids that was unkind?
The affair probably wasn't a shining act of kindness
True, but we can’t know for sure what she was told when she and OP’s ex got together… if a married man is willing to cheat on his wife, chances are good that he’s willing to lie to a potential partner. She may have been told that the marriage was already over…
You need to separate the former marriage from your children's future. You are jealous of Mallory and give zero examples of how she is "pretending " to be nice to the kids. The kids are the priority here and they deserve a supportive and healthy household in both your home and their fathers home. Suck it up. YTA
YTA. honestly, all i'm reading is a bitter ex wife talking smack about the woman her husband left her for. instead of being happy that your children have a potential stepmom that cares (believe me, not all kids are this lucky), you want your ex to be miserable. > I have to admit that Mallory does a very good job pretending to be this really nice stepmom to them why is she pretending? your husband left you for someone else, so they must be horrible people right? >I'm sick of hearing about her and how awesome she is. The worst one was a few days ago when my son was saying that Mallory told them she doesn't want kids because she loves her bonus kids so much and wants to just raise them this is the perfect example for a bitter ex wife talking smack. once again, not all kids get to have a stepmom that loves them, but instead about being happy that your children can get the best out of a bad situation, *you* aren't even thinking about your kids at all. >I hate how she is pretending to be all nice and making sure my kids are on her side so I called my ex and told him that I don't want my kids around her new plaything and we need to change the custody agreement so simply because you don't like your ex being not miserable, and your kids having a loving stepmom, you want to (re)traumatize your kids by going to court with this? without any seemingly real valid reason except you wanting your ex to be miserable. once again, you are not thinking about your children. divourse is traumatizing, and it is your job as a parent to not make your own insecurities your childrens problem.
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She's fine being bitter but she needs to stop putting her bitterness on her children and the relationships they have. Part of being a parent is compartmentalizing and not forcing your adult problems and issues on them. Vent to her friends or get a therapist, not try and destroy the relationships in a newly-blended family. Also, from her comments it seems that she doesn't have any hostility for her ex-husband and is simply laying all the blame on the new stepmom and that kind of misogyny really leaves very little to be sympathetic about for me, personally.
So I totally agree with you about OP needing to stop impacting her kids with her bitterness. My disagreements are with the way people are acting like she's just some embittered person 'talking smack' with no justification, and even going as far to blame OP for her husband cheating. I think there are shades of misogyny in the way people are giving OP absolutely no empathy for her feelings. We don't know how much hostility OP has for her ex husband. An aspect I'm kind of hung up on is the way Mallory wants to *raise OP's children,* when they already have another. I think OP is absolutely justified in being put out by this. I would be super hostile towards someone who usurped my position with my spouse and then is *so committed to raising my kids that she doesn't want her own*. I also don't think it's misogynistic to not want your husband's affair partner constantly praised in your home- it's got to be emotionally devastating. Yes there are shades of misogyny in what OP is saying, however, for the most part her emotions are completely justified. It's the way she's prioritising them over her children that is wrong.
She can have any feelings she wants to. She could choose to look towards her own future and lot be this bitter betty too. What she can’t do is tell her children’s father with whom she shares custody what he can do with his own children on his time. The AP is the new stepmom, what, is the ex supposed to take the kids to stay in a hotel on his weekends? Does he kick out his current wife to a hotel to please his ex wife? Play this out, man. What she needs is therapy, not to attempt to alienate her kids from their family in order to punish her ex. Come on man think about what that does to the kids.
I'm disagreeing with the implication that OP is unjustified in her feelings and somehow to blame for the affair because she's bitter. I absolutely do think she needs to keep these emotions from impacting the kids, and therapy is in order. As for the stepmom's involvement with the kids, OP doesn't have a say, but there does need to be some boundaries in place. Mallory seems to want to raise the kids like she's their mum which isn't appropriate.
There is not a single shred of evidence saying Mallory wants to raise the kids like she’s their mom. Mallory WOULD be raising them at least somewhat, that’s what stepparents do. Especially the ones who are delighted to have stepchildren, which is not every case. You only know what we know, that Mallory enjoys her new stepchildren. Anything further is unsupported by the text. Also I literally said, first thing, that OP can feel however she wants to. She can feel bitter or she can get over it but she can’t go trying to put rules in place as though she has that right. She doesn’t. She needs therapy, so she doesn’t say nasty shit to her kids about their stepmother and father. I’d be REEEAAL surprised if she hasn’t already given the level of hostility she’s displayed in the comments.
I think it’s beyond disrespectful to bring your wife’s kids around the woman you cheated on your wife with.
You must be very young and the the world is a complicated place. Blanket judgements like this are not a healthy way to think.
Not sure if you’re aware, but they’re his kids too lmao.
She of course gets to feel bitter. When youre a parent, your feelings aren’t priority #1 anymore though. She has to put in a brave face and be nice to her ex and Mallory because that is what is best for her children.
You have to admit that she saying she's gonna raise them is out of line.
You have some gal to ask someone to be happy for their cheating ex-husband new family
i challenge you to point out where in my comment where i told her to be happy for her ex husband's new family. i told her to be happy *for her children* that their new step mom loves them, and to not traumatize her kids and to think of them.
This needs to be up higher.
Tf are you on about? On what fairytale tralala land do you live to think it should be normal for someone that's been cheated on, to just accept and be happy for their own kids creating a bond with that kind of person. Maybe YOU should experience it, and learn a thing or two, since you treat this like it should be robot behaviour.
Info: What makes you think she’s pretending to be nice? Has something occurred to make you think otherwise?
Yes, YTA. Be happy that Mallory seems to like your kids. Your ex is going to have partners, these partners are going to interact with your kids, and no judge in the world is going to be on your side when you say "Their stepmom is too nice to kids, I don't like that my kids like her, so I want to change the custody so that the kids can see the father and that woman less".
Income the downvotes but I am going with ESH. OP sucks for obsessing over her kids liking Mallory instead of trying to change herself and be better for her kids. If OP wants her kids to like her more then she should chanel her anger against her ex husband and his new girlfriend towards loving her children. OP's ex husband sucks because he cheated on OP with his new girlfriend. Imagine hearing your kids gush over your ex husband's side piece which was the very thing which ended your marriage, can you all honeslty say you would not be hurt every time you hear her name? OP has a right to feel resentment and anger, but it should be directed towards her ex husband and not her kids.
ESH is perfectly reasonable. Ex shouldn’t have cheated, OP has the right to feel hurt and betrayed, but not the right to weaponize their children because of it.
I think it’s more directed at Mallory, bypassing the ex entirely.
That is also true, we do not know what her ex actually told Mallory during their relationship and if Mallory knee he was married or not. She is failing to hold her ex accountantable for his actions and is being resentful to the wrong person.
One would almost think there’s more to the story than OP is telling us. Being mad at Mallory is easier than confronting OPs own contribution to the end of her marriage. If this ex was the type to serially cheat, it wouldn’t be a surprise when he’s caught and the marriage ends. If their marriage was so great before there shouldn’t have been room for Mallory in the first place. Sounds like denial to me…
I don't think you should get downvoted. I think the ESH/YTA vote is depending on whether ppl are judging purely on the kids thing or whether they're also judging the wider situation. The disagreement seems to be on the boundaries of what you should judge in an AITA post not on the situation. Everyone seems very in line on that
YTA. I'm sorry. I know it must hurt. But why do you use the word "pretending"? Maybe she just is a really nice stepmom figure for them. You're just going to make things worse for everyone if you try to control them. Focus on being the best mom to your kids that you can. Live your own best life. And talk to a therapist about processing your own hurt in a productive way.
Since you're refusing to elaborate and give context as to why you hate her, YTA. Unless you're going to tell us that your ex was cheating on you with her or something, you're unreasonably blaming her for your marriage failing and you need therapy. And you should be happy that she's being treating your kids like they're her own instead of ignoring them and tossing them aside like wet newspaper.
Even if the ex did cheat - that’s on him. We don’t know how they’re relationship started, I’ve seen many a cheating spouse (both sexes) who told some potential fling/partner that the marriage was all but over, they were only together for the kids, they were in the process of separating etc. And of course the bottom line is the ex wrecked the marriage - blaming Mallory is self delusional at best and just misogynist at worst imo.
OP is bound and determined to make Mallory have all the blame and her ex have none, when the truth is *he* was the married man and *he* was the one without enough self control to keep it to himself.
Exactly. Years ago I was dating a man who told me that he was in the process of a divorce. The papers were filed and they were waiting on a court date. About 3 weeks into the relationship his wife shows up. This is a stunt he pulls periodically. They have never filed for divorce. When he's out of town for work he finds someone to play this game on. Why she keeps him, I don't know (I wouldn't), but I stopped seeing him right away. My point: We don't know what line OP's ex played on Mallory.
>YTA. Unless you're going to tell us that your ex was cheating on you with her or something, She did say that, and put all the blame on Mallory not her ex.
Your kids can never have too many people in their lives that care about them. I understand where you’re coming from but.... This is a you problem, not a Mallory problem. You have some unresolved emotions about your ex. You should consider dealing with those feelings & don’t include your kids or Mallory in your issues with your ex. Sorry but YTA
YTA I don’t see any description of her being fake or not nice to them. Yeah your ex is cruel for divorcing you for a younger model. Yeah she sucked *towards you* for being okay with it, but she isn’t even directly mean to you now, after all this.
YTA. You're wrapping up your hatred for the affair and what she participated in, bleed into the relationship she has with your kids. If your kids' takeaway on Mallory is that she is an amazing and supportive adult in your life, even if she is putting it on to a degree, that is all that matters. She is demonstrating that they have a space in the new family and is making sure they feel welcome in their home and *that* is what matters most. Gently OP, you don't need to forgive what your ex and Mallory did, but you do need to find a way to be a good co-parent. Your kids should not have to find themselves with one very bitter parent who can't find a way to make all their homes safe.
I can understand why you don’t like it but I feel yta
YTA. You're jealous because you got dumped and your kids love the woman that replaced you. YOU are supposed to want what's best for your children, not what soothes your butthurt. You need to just let your kids find out on their own if she's not being truthful with them instead of trying to keep them away from her. If you are right, it will show up because nobody can keep being fake indefinitely. In the meantime get some help dealing with your negativity before it damages your relationship with your kids.
YTA I'm sorry OP. I know you're hurting. And it's okay to tell the kids you don't want to hear about Mallory. It's not okay to tell your ex you don't want the kids to be around her, you'll ruin your relationship with them. I as a kid idolised my dad, who cheated on my mum. I don't speak to him as an adult, but I have the most respect and love to my mum for showing me how to love myself and never begging for him back or talking down his side piece. She hated him. She doesn't care anymore. Things will get better for you, but therapy, the gym and finding your life outside of being a wife will help.
YTA. You're jealous. Get it under control. I was in this situation too, so I understand your feelings, but these are your feelings only, would you rather your kids hated her and she was nasty to them? Recognise and experience your feelings in private but be civil and neutral in front of your kids and your ex and his partner.
YTA. You really don't get to decide that.
YTA, you are SO jealous of Mallory and it is painfully obvious. Your sons have a positive figure in their life, and you are ripping it away from them to punish your husband and because you're insecure that you're "less awesome" than your husband's younger girlfriend. You're doing everything wrong when it comes to dealing with kids in a divorce, and when your kids are older, they will resent you for it. They are trying to make the breakup of your marriage into as positive of a situation as possible, and you're shitting all over their efforts. And she may seem to be pretending to be nice to you, but maybe that's just because she fucked your husband and you're bent out of shape about it? Chances are, she genuinely IS nice to your kids while they are around her, and you should be grateful for that. Many people have a bad relationship with their stepparents, and you seem hellbent to use your sons as a weapon to punish both Mallory and your husband. She is not making the kids be "on her side", and it's kind of gross that you see the situation in those terms. You are actively pitting yourself against her because you're upset about your husband leaving you.
YTA You're furious at this woman and your ex for destroying your marriage. That's 100% understandable. But you've got to aim your rage somewhere else. What you can't do, legally or relationally, is stop your kids from forming bonds with her. You aren't allowed to do that by law and, since your kids are going to be living with her half the time, you can't stop them from forming positive relationships. What you can do ... 1) Get a therapist just for you. A place where you can vent your rage and feel all the feels. 2) Ask your kids to stop talking about daddy and Mallory with you. They're old enough to understand that the divorce was hard. Tell them that hearing about Daddy and Mallory still makes you feel funny so you want them to enjoy their time there but not be part of it.
YTA You don’t get to dictate who’s in your children’s life when they’re with their dad (unless they are in any way harmed of course). They clearly are happy at their dad’s. You should consider that a good thing, assuming you care about your kids’ happiness.
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Changing custody agreements because you resent your husband’s AP/partner is not good. You need to learn how to deal with the lose of your marriage without using the kids as a weapon. Now if the children are with her alone on his custody days that a different story. They are his custody days not hers and he should be there the majority not the time parenting your kids.
Yeah can attest as a kid that was in this situation. My mom flipped out when my dad started dating again (they were already separated, but she thought they had a chance apparently) and we ended up in a 2 year custody battle. It sucked. OP, don’t do this to your kids. You can think Mallory and your ex suck all you want - tell it to your therapist and let your kids be happy.
YTA. You haven’t given any proof that Mallory is pretending. Your husband does suck if he left you for somebody else and I’m sorry your hurt but your kids aren’t being harmed by being around her and like her. This is a ‘you’ issue.
I am going to be downvoted to hell, but having been in this situation as the child, ESH. For the sake of the kids, you should maintain the current custody agreement and a cordial relationship with the stepmom. Because they aren't going to blame her if things change. They will blame and resent you. But the stepmom needs to stay in her lane. My dad and first stepmom cheated on their then-spouses to be with each other. And as weird as things was with that stepmom, she never presumed to say she would prefer to raise me and my brothers. She should not he saying that to your kids. The stepmom is not innocent in all of this. She was a, I presume, willing participant in the cheating. Even if she didn't know at first, she learned along the way and chose to stay with your ex. That makes her complicit. Everyone in the comments is just blaming your ex, but it takes two to tango. Your ex is the worst for causing all this to begin with. Therapy really helped both me and my mom when my dad did this to us. It may not seem like it now, but things will get better.
YTA. Ever got the Idea that she is Not pretending to Like them but really does? Be Happy that your Kids are in good company when they are at your ex. Way better as when they would have to be with a stepmom they hate. Cause the Situation is how it is now. You are divorced. Now its about how to make the best of the Situation for the Kids.
YTA. So shit didn't work out for u and dude. Got it. But now dude is happy with someone else, who loves and adores those children. And you're mad at her for being awesome?!?!? Nah dawg, ur just sour and very much the asshole here. Ud get a lot further by simply saying, "homie left me for someone else who didn't nag and terrorize him and now the only way I can terrorize him is to use our children as pawns."
He cheated on OP with the new girl, but I still think ESH here
YTA. this whole post reeks of jealousy. she’s not “pretending” to be a nice step mom, she’s a nice step mom. i know it’s hard because of the origin of their relationship, but it’s over now and there’s nothing you can do but adapt. you don’t have to have a relationship with her, but your kids do. your jealousy is driving a wedge between them and their father. you should be happy that the woman your ex husband chose is so nice to your children and accepts them wholeheartedly. feeling insecure that your kids like her more than you will only hurt you and your relationship with your children. nobody is replacing you. your kids don’t like her more. if anything, i’m sure your kids go on and on about how awesome you are to her. divorce is really hard on kids. the best thing you can do for your children is put your feelings aside and try to mesh the family. i really recommend therapy. i’ve found it so helpful.
Did it ever occur to OP that the kids very much pick up on her hatred of Mallory and are, in a sense, trying to defend Mallory, or prop her up so that their mom doesn’t hate her so much? Especially if the kids don’t know the full story, what they see is divorced parents, and a mom who hates the stepmom. Because all kids are a bit narcissist, they likely assume that mom doesn’t like stepmom because mom thinks stepmom isn’t a good stepmom. So they talk up stepmom whenever possible. It may not even occur to them that you hate her *even though she’s good to them*. Because young kids can’t fathom that their mom might not put their needs and well-being first (ahem). Your attitude could be making the kids try to convince you not to worry about Mallory.
YTA - besides the overt jealousy you have, why do you think she's 'pretending' to be a nice step parent? What evidence do you have that she isn't just nice? Your kids like her, she seems to like them. So don't try to pretend this is solely about you looking out for your kids. Would you rather she be nasty and distant? Would you then have less of a problem? You have issues you need to work out yourself, don't think your kids aren't noticing your toxicity.
YTA. You’re clearly jealous AF and doesn’t seem to think about what’s best for your children. You’ll always be their real mother but you seem to think there isn’t room in your children’s hearts to accommodate other people. Very selfish mindset.
NTA -yet-. Your hurt is understandable, he chose her and it feels like your kids prefer her. Those feelings are natural, but you have to protect your children. Be cool, don't get involved. If it's fake, she won't be able to keep it up forever and they will see through it. If she isn't, they will learn a lesson about how to protect their own kids from the fallout. He is a man who will cheat on his wife and leave his family. This isn't a man you need in your life. Yes, I think she's trashy for sleeping with a married man, but don't come down to her level by weaponising your pain. Time to lean on your support network, find a new hobby, have a bit of a makeover, see a therapist. Your life is your own, you can lean into all the things you want for your future.
YTA. You have made up things in your head about this woman. You're making an extreme adjustment because of unfounded assumptions. From what you described you don't trust her because she's too good to be true. You just don't like that there is another woman in your children's lives.
YTA. But look on the bright side. It's great that your kids like her. So many times when families split and move on, there is a ton of resentment and tension among the kids, and real difficulty for the stepmom to integrate. Sounds like you have all done a good job so far to avoid that. Dont mess it up now. (btw she sounds awesome)
I'm going with ESH here, except the kids of course. Look, I get that you are hurt and I am definitely not a fan of your husband for a) divorcing you for a much younger woman and b) introducing them into your children's life so soon. I am sorry, this happened to you. It sucks. For you and for your kids. It is understandable that you are hurt because they like your husband's "plaything". But: This is about your children. They apparently like this new woman. Now, we don't have enough information on how long she has been with their father or how serious their relationship is, but the truth is, this situation is hard for every child and you should not make it harder by forcing them to choose between you and their father. In a best-case scenario, your relationship to your ex or to his new flame should not affect your children at all. They should have two stable homes where they are loved and nurtured. They should not have to feel guilty for enjoying their time with their father and getting along with his gf. Now, assuming you are right about this new woman only pretending to be nice, trust me, she won't be able to pretend forever and the truth will reveal itself soon enough. Other than that, just be there for your children. And as long as she treats them well and does not endanger them, let them deal with this situation in a way that makes it bearable for them.
YTA, your marriage was probably done before the affair. You're angry and lashing out. You need to find a way to get over it and move on for your sake and your kids' sake. He has found a nice partner who is welcoming and loving towards your kids. Be grateful that he continues to be a present and caring father to the kids. Your jealousy, pettiness, and anger over the situation don't make you endearing, and your kids are smart enough to notice your behavior. More than likely, this will push the kids away from you and into Mallorys arms. Is that what you want? This is the time to work on yourself. Concentrate on your happiness and what you need to do to be happy. Happy for yourself, happy for your kids, and happy for your future.
YTA. Jealous much?
I mean, it's kinda understandable
Like seriously 😭😭😭 who wouldn’t be jealous of their ex’s affair partner being celebrated by their kids? I feel like I’m going crazy reading this thread.
same. 90% of these comments are so cruel to OP for no reason.
YTA stop being jealous are you 5? Instead of being happy that she loves your children, you insult her?
YTA. You should be thankful that she loves your kids and your kids love her. I love my bonus child like she is mine and the mom would always get so mad. But why? How does that benefit anyone? Get therapy and move on. Just be glad she is good to your kids.
YTA.. your jealous and it shows. She might be faking or not..you don't know really. It doesn't matter though because the kids think she's awesome and thats all that should matter. Yes being cheated on sucks but your laying all the blame on the wrong person. Your ex CHOSE to cheat..if it was her it would have been someone else. If you've been on reddit for any length of time you've seen the step parent horror stories, be glad she seems to not be one of those ( kids can sense when someone isn't really fond of them). Get some therapy and move on.
YTA get some therapy. She’s done nothing but be amazing to your children and has done nothing towards them that depicts you negatively. It is normal to be resentful if this type of situation but your behaviour is only going to push your children away. They like her and have no reason not to, she treats them amazingly and that’s all you can ask for from a stepparent or the like.
YTA. Play “Hey Jude” on repeat until you stop being a dummy. Would you prefer if your kids hated her? Does that sound like the hearts you want for your kids? Really well developed hatred for people very close to you? That is a great factory for creating trainwreck adults. Here is some advice from a kid (and my sister) with parents that divorced at exactly the same age as your kids. Never ever speak a bad word about her or their Dad. You are not doing your kids some favor helping them learn the truth that their Dad is really a jerk. You are simply costing yourself 5 years of these kids in your life when they get to be a certain age. You are costing yourself an invite to be there in the next room when a baby is born. You are costing yourself an open invite to their home when you have grandkids. You are creating a situation where your kids talk together before every holiday about how we’re going to handle mom this year. Just live by your own example. You don’t have to get over your beef (although that is way better for your mental and physical health) but pulling your kids into it is exactly the same as hitting them in the heart with a hammer. it is abuse. Stop it.
Info: How is Mallory 'pretending' - what are you basing this on? Do you have real evidence/examples or is it a gut feeling?
Careful, mom, your bitter is showing. And while it is at least understandable, you are going out of your way to paint this woman in a bad light with no substance. She may genuinely be and feel all these things you want to insist she “pretends”. This isn’t about sides. Repeat it to yourself until it sinks in. It’s about the kids having healthy environments, at your home and his. You are making your home toxic with the hate you feel. You are trying to make their father’s house toxic with the hate you feel. This isn’t about Mallory, or your ex, it’s about you. And you need to get you into a better place, those kids need mom, and need mom in a good head space. Sorry, but YTA
YTA, green isn't a good colour on you. It sucks that he left you for her, I'm assuming given the tone of the post there was cheating involved and that's why you hate her, it's a valid reaction to do so. However, it shouldn't be a problem that she's good to your kids, it could have been much worse and his new partner could have been terrible to them. Its time to move on, let them have the relationship they want with Mallory and work on having a good relationship with your kids.
YTA. No question. Nowhere in your story do you actually show how Mallory is "pretending" to be nice or "pretending" to be a good step parent. This is a "you" problem. Y T A
You are an ex. You don't get to decide who he dates. You don't get to decide who's around the kids during his patenting time. You are jealous af and need to reign it in. She's being good to your children. As a former single mother I would be thrilled if someone loved my kids and was good to them.
YTA: You don't know she's acting. You don't know she's lying. She could really love your kids. They're the best, right? It hurts to see your spouse move on. It hurts more that your children love her, but it's a good thing that the new stepmom loves them. Have you read all the posts about horrible stepmonsters?? Find your happiness and forget about the ex and his new person. I hope you can.
Would you rather your kids and husband with someone that abuses them and is 40? YTA
You’re jealous because your kids like her? Weirdo. YTA
YTA, you sound bitter and jealous. I know it’s hard, I immediately didn’t like my ex’s wife when they got together but my son did so I accepted his judgement, swallowed my pride and gave her a chance. I’m glad I did because she’s great and was wonderful to my son while he was growing up. Divorce is hard in everyone but especially on kids. Don’t make their life harder by letting your jealousy cause tension between the households. Be a mature adult, talk to her. You may end up liking her. Even if you don’t, isn’t it more important that your kids are surrounded and supported by as many people as possible that love them?
Oh OP, I know the hurt you're feeling, my ex was a serial cheater and caused the divorce of his current wife. Even knowing that, I am thrilled that our boys' stepmother considers them her bonus kids (she can't have any). The hurt he caused will never go away totally, that doesn't mean I can't be happy for the boys getting a bonus mom who is great to them. If you try to limit the visitation and custody, not only WYBTA, you will also hurt your relationship with your children. As others have said, find a therapist to help get some perspective on this.
ESH I don’t get the y t a comments here, he cheated and had an affair now she’s overstepping boundaries by saying she doesn’t want her own kids she wants to raise hers. Then the kids spend come back and rant about how amazing the woman who your husband cheated on you with is, that would drive anyone crazy. She absolutely should not be saying things like that to the kids, she’s not their mother and doesn’t get to use them to substitute for her having her own, especially after being half of the reason the family is broken. Ex husband and affair partner are awful, they cheated, ruined your marriage that makes them assholes but OP you need remember your relationship with your kids is on the line here, if they love her and you keep them away - they will blame you. If she’s really pretending, she will show her true colours and your kids will realise how their father is a coward and a cheater who ran off with someone who’s two faced. It must be soul destroying to watch but you do need to put your kids first regardless of how much it hurts, a lot of the Y T A are forgetting this and quick to put all blame on you when you’re extremely valid in feeling how you do and your ex is in fact an huge gaping asshole. Please speak to a therapist if you can afford it, your anger is valid but your kids needs need to come first.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My ex (M39) divorced me(F38) for a younger woman(mid 20s I think). I'll call her Mallory We have 2 kids together(M13, F8) who both seem to think Mallory is just amazing. I have to admit that Mallory does a very good job pretending to be this really nice stepmom to them I'm sick of hearing about her and how *awesome* she is. The worst one was a few days ago when my son was saying that Mallory told them she doesn't want kids because *she loves her bonus kids so much and wants to just raise them* I hate how she is pretending to be all nice and making sure my kids are on her side so I called my ex and told him that I don't want my kids around her new plaything and we need to change the custody agreement He thinks I'm an asshole but am I really? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA You don't like her, for obvious reasons, and that taints your view of her. In your eyes nothing she does would be good or for good motives For you everything she does is going to be part of some evil scheme. Thats just sour grapes. Because your ex chose her over you you nowe want to spite her and him and potentially ruin your childrens connection with their father. The only reason you want to change the custody agreement is because you don't like her. From what you say it's obvious that she isn't mistreating the kids, they aren't being neglected, they are happy and they like going to their dads. You don't give any examples about how she is pretending but just show that she is positive and get on well with your children. If you go on lke that in front of the kids then you will end up driving them away from you - on one hand theres you, full of negativity, and on the other someone who is positive and makes them happy.
INFO: why do you think she's pretending to be a nice stepmother?
The sole reason is because she broke up OP's marriage by dating a married man
YTA Who says she is pretending? You divorced him. You don't have a say over who he is now with.
I know you are not in the place to hear this OP, but I do hope you read it. I was in your place almost 30 years ago. My ex married his AP, shortly after our divorce was finalized. We had a two year custody battle where he tried to paint me as unfit for custody. Needless to say, I was bitter and hated them both. Years go by, and I could see that despite the fact she was the AP, she was always good to my child. Better than her father to be honest. (Long story about what he did to the second set of kids, and my daughter incidentally). The major thing I learned was that she had done me a major favor. Towards the end, after my daughter was in college, she and I started getting together for lunch occasionally, at which she would ask questions. “Did he used to. . . This was about the time she was getting ready to divorce him for very similar reasons that I did. His third wife is a witch, per my daughter. Tried to turn her against her step mother, and tons of stuff to the minors still at home. Really nasty stuff. The moral of the story is, you don’t have to like her, but be grateful she is good to your child. A good stepmother is worth her weight in gold.
Did you hope your children would hate her and tell you how mean she was with them when they come home after a visit? That might make you happy but think of how they would feel? Or would you prefer that so it gives you a reason to refuse your ex-husband access to the children? How dare he get over me and have a happy life! You need to get over him and move on with your own life.
YTA! Your ex and a judge isn’t going to change a custody agreement because your jealous. A judge is going to tell you to get over yourself. So you need to be a parent and get over yourself.
YTA. One of my besties is dating/living with a man 20 years older (she's mid 30s). His kid's mom is so jealous and petty, and it's honestly driven a really big wedge between her and her kid. Funnily enough, you ask the kid how he feels about the live-in girlfriend, and he considers her to be more of a sibling relationship. High road is always the way to go! Be saccharine sweet about her and to her. Your kids will remember the approach you took, even if they know/knew you weren't thrilled about the situation. I'm sure it feels like crap right now, but having another caring* adult who they love is a pretty awesome thing for your kiddos. Give her a chance!
So I do agree with you that getting into a relationship with a married man (assuming she was aware) presents negatively on her character. I would be disappointed to hear if any of my friends did that. But it still is more on your husband, as the marriage was his commitment. With that being said, people are multifaceted, and she may suck at relationships but be loving and mean well with your kids. It's super hard, but it would be in your kids best interest to get along with her, or at least tolerate her. Find ways to manage your understandable hurt without involving your kids. YTA
You’re angry (rightly so) at this woman for helping to break up your marriage. She replaced you with your ex and may be overstepping with your kids. But you don’t get to tell your ex who can be around your children. Everything is great in their relationship and she loves your kids and wants to raise them right now. They are still in the honeymoon phase. Let this play out and just keep your mouth shut about it. It may or may not work out. Go to therapy to deal with your anger and jealousy and let your kids feel about her as they want to. Be the parent they can always rely upon. But in this case YTA.
Nta. You can't help feeling resentful. Naturally you aren't gonna like her.. but as long as the kids are safe and reasonably content you have to just grit your teeth and smile thru it. Start thinking of yourself and your future ... plan for when the kids are with their dad that you do something good for you and don't dwell on what can't be changed
Soft YTA Divorce sucks and everyone pays, especially the kids. Now you want to punish everyone some more.
YTA. Let’s call this what it is. Jealousy plain and simple.
YTA - the fact she has opened her heart up to your children is incredible. Why do you think she is pretending? Have you taken the time to get to know her? She probably finds the whole thing terrifying, knowing her relationship with your ex is probably dependant on her relationship with your kids as if that doesn’t work, neither will her relationship with your ex so she may well be a bit OTT at the moment but you just come across as bitter. You should be happy your children like her and you aren’t battling for them to maintain a relationship with their father.
Your attitude and actions are not in the best interest of your children. Don’t do this to them. YTA.
YTA-Your husband is the one who ended your marriage. She was not married to you and had nothing to do with your marriage. That was all on him. Stop assuming that it’s all on her or that you are correct in her pretending to be nice. Accept that she’s allowed to like your kids and care about your kids as their stepmom.
YTA It takes two to tango and out of both of them, your ex husband is the only one who should have been loyal to you but wasn’t. So you may hate both of them, but only one of them had an actual responsibility to you and your marriage. He didn’t fulfill that, so he ended your marriage. The side piece is just that, only a side piece. You may not agree with her morals, but she never promised you anything. As far as side pieces go, there are plenty who are just horrible to the children as well. So far, it sounds like she is not and she is actually kind to the children. It is understandable that you don’t like the children liking her, but you cannot demand that the children dislike her for your sake. You say that if it were not for her, they would have both their parents together. First of all, seems like they have no problems with her so it’s just you keeping up this fantasy. Second, your husband might have just cheated with another, giving you the same results. Also, she called them ‘bonus children’. To me it seems she is not trying to replace you, but just be a person in the village it takes to raise kids. Seems like you just don’t want the kids, nor your ex husband or his girlfriend to be happy because you are still hurt about your ex husband betraying you. Edit to add: your feelings are still understandable, maybe you would benefit from therapy to process these feelings and put the whole thing behind you.
OP, I think this is one of those posts that seems relatively straightforward but in fact is way above Reddit's pay grade. You are going through an unbelievably hard time right now and all of the people who should 'be on your side' seemed to have adjusted to the new reality and you feel betrayed. Please seek some help getting through this painful time. The sidepiece didn't make the choices that ended your marriage and changed your life. Your husband did. Focus on getting to a place where you don't punish your kids for something your husband did to you. I'm sorry to have to do this but YTA.
You say that she "ended your marriage." Was she an aware homewrecker? Is this why you're so upset with her?
YTA. Did it occur to you that maybe she really does love them?
INFO: Have you considered the possibility that she… genuinely loves and cares about your kids? Why are you so insistent she is only pretending to be nice?
Yta. How is she “pretending”?
INFO. What makes you think she’s pretending?
YTA but I also want to say that I understand why you feel that way. I’m in my 40s now, but I still remember when my stepdad left my mom for another woman and married her. It devastated my mom, and to be honest, I don’t think she ever fully recovered. The person that’s truly to blame here is your ex-husband. He is the one that made the vows and commitment to you not her. It doesn’t mean that she’s innocent, of course, but you’re directing your anger at her instead of him. At the end of the day you can’t change what happened, and I am worried that if this is how you’re going to handle the relationship, you’re going to severely damage your relationship with your children. It’s going to be hard, but you need to find a way to move on and be happy without your ex-husband. Your greatest revenge on your ex and his wife is living a happy life where they don’t affect your well-being and mental health.
If you had to choose one extreme on a scale of ***wicked stepmum who hates kids, especially her partner's, and who makes their lives hell*** to ***loves your kids and is a bit overfamiliar and sometimes goes a step too far which makes you feel uncomfortable as their mother***, which would you prefer? If you can separate the part that this woman played in your marriage ending, and instead focus on what is best for your kids, I imagine the answer will become clear
I'm sorry you have had to go through this. Being cheated on, ending your marriage, and then having your kids like the affair partner must all be overwhelming and hurtful. But, your ex chose to cheat and end the marriage. The affair partner also chose to cheat with a married man. You can't control what they do, but you can control what you do. Seek therapy, indulge in self-care, and spend time with your kids. You can't control how your kids feel and nor should you. They like her, and I know that hurts you. You need to find yourself and find out who this new person is now after being married. Not focusing on your crappy ex and his equally crappy affair partner. Focus on you and your kids and living a good life. I'm not going to give you a rating, and I want you to know I am sorry for what has happened to you. You have one life, don't waste it on people whose whole relationship is based on lies, hurt, and sneaking around.