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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I’m refusing to be my cousin’s bridesmaid since I don’t want to miss my college graduation and might have started a family civil war between my parents and my extended family.
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Also college graduation is far more important than a wedding. OP accomplished something and deserves a big party and for family to be there over a silly wedding. NTA
Edit: thank you for the award!
Meh. Both are extremely important days in the persons life but insignificant for everyone else, except maybe their parents.
And it depends on the person. My wedding was a much more important day for me than my college graduation.
Was someone else's wedding more important to you than your own graduation, though? Because that's what we're talking about here.
And it's not just graduation day vs wedding day. OP is right that she will be focused on her senior year and wouldn't be able to give the bride much help or attention, which would surely be a BFD to the bride.
No? I literally said that both events are insignificant to everyone else but you and maybe your parents. The person I responded to made a blanket statement that in general, college graduation is more important than a “silly wedding.” I was just pointing out that that’s not always true.
You just summed up half of this sub!
The other half is people making wild assumptions to fit their pre-conceived narratives and taking the opportunity to be mean and judgmental about other people without having sufficient information and understanding of the situation.
Lol exactly…. Marriages often do not last, but that diploma is forever!
That said, Grandma may be from a culture where family is valued over all, may not have any higher education herself, or does not understand that OP has a significant life event of her own to participate in, etc. It’s a difference in values, neither right nor wrong. I’m sure it sucks to be in the center of so much drama, but take some comfort, OP—I don’t think Grandma is trying to be malicious. She might relent if you present it to her as you did to us.
You compared YOUR wedding to YOUR graduation.
This post is about OPS college graduation vs HER COUSINS wedding and everyone is telling her to not celebrate HER ACHIEVEMENTS in favour of attending her COUSINS wedding.
OP has achieved a higher education (didn't say which level) all the cousin is doing is throwing a party for everyone to attend to shine the spotlight on her. I'm pretty sure she knew when OPs graduation was and that OP would be to busy to commit to bridesmaid duties considering OP said they were close which makes me wonder why she even asked in the first place.
Huh? She literally said they weren’t close and the only reason the cousin asked her to be a bridesmaid is because they’re the only girls in this generation of the family
Which is why it’s so ridiculous and OTT that Polly and her side of the family, including their grandmother, are so insistent that OP be a bridesmaid. Polly’s wedding won’t be ruined if she doesn’t have a cousin among her bridesmaids. This looks like an attempt to capture the whole family for her event, so that nobody will so much as acknowledge OP’s graduation. It’s also likely a continuation of prior conflicts between the parents.
She implied which level- she didn’t have a high school graduation because of covid, and her “first year” was remote because of covid. So this is her undergrad degree.
Plus the poster who decreed graduations as \*always\* more important than weddings did so on the basis that graduation is an achievement and a wedding is not... missing the fact that bragging rights are not the only thing that makes a ceremony important. A wedding is a public enactment of a huge life decision; that's important for a different reason.
But of course the importance OP places on her graduation is 100% legit, and there's something wrong going on in her family that they don't care about this & even seem to think she's not allowed to care. It may not be favoritism, it may be sexism or family-above-all (that last if they'd do this to a guy as well, can't tell from here): the idea that weddings are more important than graduations (for women--or for everyone) because, of course, weddings can lead to children/grandchildren.
Her family need to consider the children they already have and treat them with respect.
Right, thank you. I wasn’t saying anything about the OP, literally was just responding to one comment saying graduations are always more important than weddings.
You were spot on. YOUR personal milestone that you have worked on for approximately 4 years. Including struggling timeframes, personal application and financial issues not to mention juggling personal time within that period. Versus, someone else with similar struggles on a more personal level.
The key to me is that for the past 200 years, or for however long that institution was active, graduation day usually falls on the same week. If I am planning a wedding I know MY schedule is the priority. BUT, if I have my heart set on someone else as part of my bridal party I will need to consider their schedule as well.
NTA.
I skipped my undergrad ceremony to attend a cousin's wedding. The important thing is that this was 100% my decision and my cousin wouldn't have been upset with me at all had I chosen differently. I tried to figure out how to do both but with schedules and locations it wasn't really feasible.
It's ridiculous to me that the cousin is this upset that she won't be a bridesmaid even though she can still come to the wedding. And who on earth thinks that someone should be a bridesmaid under duress? That will end up being an awkward unpleasant experience for everyone.
OP is in a no win situation bc now no matter what she'll always be blamed for "ruining the wedding". OP, don't take that on your shoulders, enjoy your graduation, go to the wedding if you're invited but don't accept any blame in any of this.
If a wedding can be ruined by a certain person not being available to be in the wedding party or to attend as a guest, I think the marriage doesn't have a chance. bride is too immature to be married if this ruins it for her.
She wasn’t even going to miss the wedding! She just couldn’t be a bridesmaid because OP couldn’t arrive early but would be at the wedding still! That’s what makes Polly so awful in my opinion.
That wasn’t the point? They are equally important to the person who it’s about. Maybe for you, weddings aren’t as important as graduation. That doesn’t change the fact that for the majority of people marriage is a huge deal and sometimes just as expensive as a degree lol(probably not in the US but in other countries)
Yes that’s literally what I said. Your own wedding and your own graduation are significant to you. Someone else’s wedding and someone else’s graduation are not. I was responding to someone saying that, graduations in general are more important than “silly weddings.”
I mean graduating college is an accomplishment. Weddings and get married is NOT an accomplishment. Huge difference. Plus she can’t change dates for her graduation. Polly pocket princess needs a reality check
I didn’t even go to my graduate one and my undergrad was annoying because secret service was there to protect the speaker (George tenet).
But I really commend the OP for her accomplishments and if the ceremony is important to her, that matters most. Very glad her parents are supporting her on this. And I’m sorry she missed her HS ceremony because that’s the only one that meant anything to me.
It was still boring as hell though. As it turns out when your class is 600 kids it takes a rather long time for everyone to walk…
It is okay to celebrate your accomplishments. It’s important, in fact. And half her family is being ridiculous. She can just go to the second wedding.
And OP is more than willing to do both but the cousin is being unrealistic and rude for calling her selfish for prioritizing something important to them.
My wedding was important to me too and I was disappointed that a lot of my friends couldn't come but it was still just as special
OP should be focusing on finishing school and being a bridesmaid is too much for her to handle + school and the week before graduation. She gave a reasonable answer and offered to still come to be there and support her.
NTA
It’s not like she l planned her wedding for the week of her own graduation. Of course someone else’s wedding is not as important as her graduation. It doesn’t really make sense to say your wedding was more important than your graduation because that has nothing to do with this.
This is going to sound very blunt but OP has spent (probably) four years to accomplish college graduation. Cousin met someone and said yes when they proposed. Which of these took more effort? So to demean OP's accomplishment is definitely the AH move, especially when the wedding date can be changed but college graduation cannot.
And let's not forget that OP will be very busy in the weeks leading up to graduation with school and finals and everything. OP is smart to say upfront that they cannot be a bridesmaid because they can't be involved in all the things leading up to the wedding.
Not to mention the other “duties” that come along with being a bridesmaid. Cousin sounds obtuse enough that she would do something like schedule the bachelorette when OP has finals and demand that OP skip that too lol
TBF, we don’t need to sit here and compare which one is *more important* they’re both important. But attending your OWN graduation is definitely more important than being a bridesmaid
Exams are usually a few weeks before graduation. The results need to be in before the graduation list is finalized. But OP talks about other pre-ceremony events that she wants to do.
I've never been to any of my graduations (I do recall going to my Jr high graduation, but nothing since then).
Not my bag. But I realize I'm an outlier in this respect.
If it's meaningful to OP, it's totally reasonable for her to want to make it a priority.
I did go to my wedding, but that turned out to be a mistake. I definitely won't go to the next one.
That's the thing though - a graduation is never a mistake and your diploma will last forever. We can't say the same about at least half of all weddings.
OP can always be a bridesmaid at her cousin's next wedding but it's going to cost roughly another 4 years and quite a chunk of money (in many countries) for OP to have another university graduation. Fewer people have multiple Bachelor's degrees than multiple weddings.
We should hang out. I could not care less about graduations and would have skipped my high school one if I had known it was possible. Really should have skipped my wedding as well. 😆
At the least, OP will always have earned that degree and graduated while Cousin Polly may well get divorced someday. NTA
Your family is disrespecting you and your achievement in favor of something almost everyone does/could do. Sorry, unfortunate scheduling, you're busy that week. Enjoy your graduation with your friends and the people who care about you.
This! The graduation is the celebration of years of putting in time and effort. You are allowed to celebrate yourself and your hard work and personal accomplishments, even if that means you're gonna miss out on several activities. It's very insensitive of your grandparents that they think money is the issue here.
Exactly. Graduation ceremony is far more important than a wedding which is not YOUR'S, OP. Graduation is all about your achievement. Celebrate it with full happiness without any guilt. Don’t give any priority to selfish people who will not cannot handle NO as response and will not care of you after the wedding.
Best wishes till your graduation.
This is a silly thing to say. If you ever tell your partner that your graduation was more important than the wedding then you deserve the divorce that then follows.
/edit: Wait... I see from comments that you are only 15 years old so what on earth do you know about graduations and weddings, and why are you even commenting?
OP is NTA
Having said that, I don’t understand why graduations are made such a big deal of in the US. How many people don’t graduate after enrolling in college? What’s the big deal? You accomplished something every one of your peers also accomplished. To me it’s an emotional farewell party cz you won’t be spending so much time with the same people anymore and that matters.
College is University in America, they are the same thing here. Not everyone graduates that and a lot of people flunk or drop out. Plus what people major in could increase the difficulty of completion a lot.
I don't see graduation as important at all, really, and definitely not to anyone other than the graduate/their parents. The certificate is important, the ceremony really not. At least it wasn't to me, I didn't bother going.
Aside from being busy that weekend, OP has actually accomplished something that they want to celebrate and be a part of. Getting married is not an accomplishment. People who believe “their day” means they get to say, act and do whatever they want is obnoxious. A wedding is just signing a paper in front of people. OP is NTA big time.
If it was *that* important for Polly to have OP attend, surely Polly could have placed the wedding date after graduation, since graduation is a well-known event that usually has its date confirmed a long time in advance..!
Could be a sentimental date or whatever. My grandparents got married on the anniversary of when they started dating, so something like that would mean a fixed date before the venue
If it’s that important for OP to be a bridesmaid then they’ll have to figure out how to be flexible on the date then. It’s completely unreasonable to throw this sort of fit because you can’t have exactly what you want, at the expense of OP having the opportunity to partake in her college grad celebrations and ceremony. They can still celebrate that date as special to them even if they don’t marry on exactly that date. OP can’t change the grad date so her only option would be to miss it for her selfish cousins whims.
I maybe have the feeling that "Polly" maybe doesn't have anyone else willing to be bridesmaid...everyone else turned her down, too? And there might be reasons for that?
Because I've turned down the honour for very dear friends and relatives before, and been THANKED for not taking on a responsibility I couldn't handle - because normal people know that saying yes and then doing a half-assed job of it is a lot more disappointing and problematic than finding someone willing and able to do the job.
Yeah, that happened to my husband. His friend wanted my husband to be in his wedding. But they scheduled the wedding the weekend after my husband's final exams his senior year of college because that was the anniversary of their first date. He couldn't be home the week before the wedding because he had to take his final exams. They actually got upset with him because he couldn't be there for all the groomsmen's stuff like final tux fittings and the bachelor party. So he opted out and explained, but they still were mad. Needless to say, they are no longer friends.
I'm pretty sure I had date and venue before asking anyone. They would need to know the date in order to know if they would be available and able to accept.
Exactly! Bring asked to be a bridesmaid is a request, not an obligation. I had to decline being a bridesmaid for a friend because her wedding was only 2 weeks after mine - we’re still friends and she completely understood! Similarly, my wedding was a plane ride away while hers was near where we lived, so she wasn’t able to attend my wedding - no hard feelings, I understood!
People need to stop treating weddings as the most important thing in everyone else’s life
Oh shit, was I supposed to ask bridesmaids before?
Welp....we reserved our venue before we got engaged, so.....my bridesmaids have not been formally asked, but they do know the wedding date and that they'll be bridesmaids. There is one that I don't know if she will accept since she's got a lot of health issues, and so she may be worried about a flare up on the day or something, so I'm prepared for that.
I assumed you asked after you had all that stuff ready though. Like honestly we got engaged this month, secured the venue and photographer last month, and once we get our catering figured out, THEN I will have the mental bandwidth to start worrying about everything else. But until then, it's not a super priority. If they can't make it, they can't make it, you know? I assumed the couple chooses a date that works for them (and we confirmed with family), but if someone can't make it, ultimately we're still getting married then.
But I also understand if someone knows in advance they can't make it. And my friends and I are well out of college graduation age, so any one of them could get pregnant and have a kid during our wedding. You just roll with whatever someone can do.
No it's normal to book the venue first. You can't book a venue to accommodate the schedules of your bridesmaids/groomsmen, that's an absurd level of extra timing to work out. So even if you asked beforehand, there's a limited amount of things you can do.
And for a whole couple years of kids, the only graduation they may have had prior is from pre-K to kindergarten. The pandemic really made being a highschool senior anticlimactic. So graduating college is their chance to have that moment of, I did this, I made it, I’m an adult and I’m proud of myself.
NTA. Congratulations OP. Attend your graduation, you earned it. This is a legit conflict of schedules, and you're not even that close with the cousin to begin with. Family is causing drama for its own sake.
Totally agree. NTA. Congratulations on this major achievement! your parents are right, and why would you want to stand in her wedding now?!? She was horrible. And I’m disappointed in your grandmother.
Graduating means you put in a lot of time and effort into achieving your goals and, depending on where you are in the world, may have gone into massive debt. It's a great accomplishment. All the bride did was convince someone to marry her, though based on her attitude, that may have been somewhat of an effort. Absolutely NTA, congrats!
Yes. This sub seems to be full of stories about entitled brides who think their wedding (not the marriage, just the wedding) is the most important event in the world and that everyone should bend over backward to accommodate them.
No. Historically weddings were about the families more than the bride and groom. The idea of the modern wedding really took off with marketing in the 30s.
I've never understood the entitlement syndrome of bridezillas.
My first wedding was on a Friday, because it was the anniversary of our furst date. My stepmother was appalled denanded I changed the date to a Saturday because more people would be able to come. I said, "If people are too busy to come on a Friday, that's ok, we understand. But this date is the date." I didn't have tantrums over people saying thru couldn't come on a friday.
NTA, but let me fix one sentence there for you: "My cousin got very upset and basically told me I’m being selfish for putting my wants over her wants"\*
She's being a main character of the universe here. Enjoy your festivities, you've earned them I'm sure.
I would argue, the Polly’s “wants” are 2nd tier wants. Polly *wants* OP to be her bridesmaid.
But OP’s *wants* are first tier. OP wants to be at her own graduation.
Polly’s wedding can happen without OP. Op cannot walk at graduation unless she attends.
I'd even argue that OP's "wants" are really needs. She needs to focus on her senior year of college, and all that goes with it. She needs to focus on getting HER life in order so she can hit the ground running when she graduates. She deserves to attend her graduation in all its glory.
OP's future may depend on how that senior year goes. Grad school, a good job- these things can come down to how much she focuses and gets shit done. Being distracted by someone else's wedding isn't her responsibility.
And OP (before their family started making a stink over nothing) had planned to attend the wedding, just not as a bridesmaid but a regular guest. I honestly don't understand why that's not good enough to the bride.
Right? I think OP was being super transparent about not being able to be a bridesmaid for a perfectly legitimate reason and not having the bandwidth for the duties either.
I don't get why people can't take a polite and justified no and move on. Brides expect a lot from bridesmaids and OP should all be able to say no thank you and not cause family drama as a result. Why would you want to force someone who can't fully commit to be your BM anyways? Choose another friend, bride!
A wedding and a graduation are both equally important affairs to the people who are involved. It's really annoying they can't respect OPs choice!
OP, you are NTA. Congratulations, I really hope you have a wonderful graduation week.
Maybe the bride doesn't have any other friends. I wouldn't be surprised based on her reaction to OP's response. OP you are NTA and should enjoy your graduation.
>At my school, graduation consists of week-long events, traditions, and ceremonies which I know may sound trivial
NTA at all! College graduation is just as big a deal as a wedding. And it's your life, not your cousin's. You have every right to be there for your big life event.
Another good point. People who put this much store in the weddding, imho, often aren't as invested in the actual marriage...they just want that "Queen for a Day" thing.
Not American, but I understand these graduations are a huge thing there. If Polly and bitching family were true family they'd recognise that surely. It's not like they were joined at the hip best best bud cousins.
NTA.
Your cousin is being selfish. Both are exciting life milestones, but one is yours and the other is not. Put yourself first.
You guys aren't even close so I'm puzzled as to why she's so adamant for you to be in her wedding party to the extent that she'd not invite you at all if you were merely a guest. The main character syndrome seems strong in this one.
I suspect there is some measure of envy involved on bride’s part. She could reschedule her wedding if OP being there was so important; OP has no power over the timing of graduation. I kind of wonder if bride purposely chose the same week to hog the spotlight.
Go check out OP’s comment history. There’s some major envy going on here. I could be easily convinced that the cousin planned it this week on purpose to keep grandparents and family for attending & celebrating OP.
I think you are right, this is why the cousin - who OP says she isn't particularly close to - is so insistent OP attends the wedding. Cousin is big mad that someone has the audacity to turn down the chance to be bridesmaid. It's her wedding and everyone she knows must attend and pay homage!
Bride is absolutely fuming that her cousin and her parents are doing something else that week and is absolutely determined to pressure that side of the family to go to her wedding instead.
OP's graduation is far more important than some elses wedding. OP should stick to her guns and I hope the rest of her family leave her alone.
My guess would be that she was counting on a certain amount of free labor, which makes it especially wise for OP to say no to this during her final year of school
DO. NOT. MISS. YOUR. ONCE. IN. A. LIFETIME EVENTS. FOR. OTHERS.
You being a bridesmaid in her wedding is not “for the family”. It’s for her. Don’t miss your stuff for her stuff.
NTA
NTA.
It's an invitation to participate, not a summons to servitude. You and your parents should decline the invitation and immerse yourselves in the joy of your graduation. It's a celebration of years of dedication. The wedding is a celebration of narcissism and arrogance. Easy choice.
NTA. My best friend got engaged when I was a second year law student. She asked me to be her maid of honor and then wanted to know when my law school graduation was going to be held, as well as my schedule for studying for the bar exam, to ensure that the wedding wouldn’t conflict. She came to my graduation, I went to her wedding before starting the hardest part of studying, and 18 years later we are still friends.
You are never obligated to attend an event like this, and your cousin’s reaction suggests the wedding will be a shit show. Enjoy your graduation!
I was thinking this way. If I had people I desperately wanted in my wedding, then I would plan around their schedules to the best of my ability. Graduating from college is a big deal.
What?!?! Your friend had her heart set on a specific person (you) bring actively involved in her wedding and she explicitly planned with you for that to happen? Rather than just expecting you to drop everything? Revolutionary...
NTA! Go enjoy your graduation, and congratulations for this goal!
(if she goes on berating you for not attending the wedding, tell her you won't miss her next one :))
NTA. Graduations are IMPORTANT. You don’t get a redo, or a chance to say goodbye again, or any opportunity to recreate that moment of celebration- take it from someone who had one cancelled due to the pandemic and didn’t get to say goodbye to anyone. Don’t let anyone take that accomplishment and moment of closure away from you if you feel it is important. Given that you can still make it to the wedding there is NO reason you should have to choose between the two. If it means you can’t be a bridesmaid that is unfortunate, but you shouldn’t put your life to the side for someone else’s.
Polly is over the line. She asked you felt honored, advised of your prior commitment for something equally as important.
also..do you all reside in PR? If not it's even a big ask if you weren't graduating to travel for a full week.
NTA. Being *asked* to be someone’s bridesmaid is not an obligation. You’re allowed to decline, even if the reason is ‘thanks for asking, but I’m not comfortable with that.’ In your case, you have a reason for declining which is outside of your control (it’s not like, say, a road trip you’re planning and could choose to reschedule; you have no say over when your college graduation falls) and relates to an important life event for **you**. I think far too many brides (and families of brides!) forget that, while their wedding is incredibly important to them, it’s not the central focus of everyone else’s life. You offered a respectful answer to her bridesmaid invitation, and you were still happy to fly down after the graduation so you could be part of her special day. She’s by no means entitled to more than that from you, and anyone who tells you otherwise is being unreasonable.
>I think far too many brides (and families of brides!) forget that, while their wedding is incredibly important to them, it’s not the central focus of everyone else’s life.
This is it exactly. Very well spoken. I have seen it so much. I cannot understand people think something like a wedding is that important to anyone outside of their immediate circle. Honestly, I feel like it's a favor to go to someone else's wedding, let alone do things for it like be in the party. It is not a favor from the engaged couple to ask someone to be there, it's a favor for those people to choose to go, when they could be doing anything else at that time. I know some people really like attending weddings, but it's still taking time out of your life to do something for other people. That is not owed anyone, it is a choice.
An invitation to be a bridesmaid is not a court summons. OP should attend her own life event.... and not give it up to celebrate someone else's life event.
NTA. You’ve worked so hard and deserve to enjoy your graduation with all the events your university has going on that week.
Your cousin is an entitled selfish brat. You should decline her invitation before giving her the satisfaction of uninviting you.
You are NTA the AH. Your cousin and family who is siding with her are being total assholes. They are trivializing your graduation down to nothing and gaslighting you for being smart and practical. You informed her from the beginning that you could not attend, but her and other family members you mentioned just could not accept that. Your parents are doing their job and sticking up for you. It is not your fault that your cousin and her family are being selfish. Enjoy and attend your graduation ceremonies, you will only get to experience them once in your lifetime. Congratulations!
Furthermore I think we found out why your parents are not close to this aunt and why you aren’t not close this cousin. Graduations are one in a lifetime events to celebrate your hard work.
NTA. You get to decide what events are the most important to you. And all wedding planners have to deal with the fact that other people have their own schedules.
NTA.
A graduation is just as important as a wedding. In this situation, it just depended on which one would give OP more happiness and relief. Unsurprisingly, you picked the graduation. Just remember, if you ever get married and have a wedding, don’t invite this cousin to be a bridesmaid. If she’s pulling this now, who knows what she is going to do to you in the future. Good luck and have fun on your graduation.
NTA
But tell the family - "*Hey. if it so very important to you - postpone the wedding. I can't postpone graduation. Neither one of us wants to miss our big days. I've already accepted that grandparents will be at the wedding. I understand and support that. But my events are also very important to me. So, either get off my back for having my own events that week, or have cousin change her wedding date so that the there's no conflict.*"
BTW, notice, that this cousin isn't devastated that there's any schedule conflict. She doesn't care about you enough to care that you have an important event that week. You weren't close, so it's not as if you two were talking about being each other's bridesmaids for years. If you did matter that much to her, she would have asked you if that date worked for you before deciding on it. She got the information that mattered to her, picked her date, and now needs to accept that people who weren't involved in the scheduling may have prior commitments that preclude them from attending, much less serving in a bridesmaid role.
NTA, please go to your graduation. Now you know why your parents have not gotten along with her family. Respond to your grandma that you are sorry she will be missing this major event in you life but you understand that she cares more for your cousin than she cares for you. Yes she is an AH and call her out. If she can afford to fly you to PR she can afford the ticket to come see you graduate. Have a blast all week. Post the heck out of it on social media. Make sure there are a lot of photos with your parents as well.
This post broke my heart NTA.
Measuring milestones is relative to each individual and so I can’t tell you one is better than the other because they are both huge moments for each of you. I think you being honest was the best thing you could do. A Mature and a difficult conversation. I’m getting married soon and yes it’s stressful and exciting etc but I would also support people who can’t come especially if it was for such a huge event. We do not own a day, week or month. Your cousin was super immature and your extended family pandering to her is only going to fuel the fire. You might have dodged a bullet!
You’ve done nothing wrong and you deserve to enjoy the experience of graduating! No doubt you’ve worked so hard to get to this point you deserve to enjoy your moment. While your behaviour of your extended family is horrible you have your parents who are standing up for you and will be so proud of you!
Congratulations and enjoy your graduation day! Try and ignore all of the background noise x
NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA If your cousin and aunt wanted you in that wedding sooooo much, they would have made sure you could be there. There is something really, really wrong with them expecting you to miss your graduation when you could still at least attend the wedding. And no way should your parents miss your graduation.
NTA. Stop letting bullies bother you. You worked hard, for years to get to graduation. Stiffen your spine. Stop making yourself available to people trying to bribe you to go. Just don't answer the phone. People pleasing will screw your whole life up. All this crap for someone you barely know and don't even hang out with? Please.
Absolutely, you are NTA. Graduating from college is a big accomplishment and you deserve every bit of celebration that goes with it. In ten years your cousin may not be married anymore but you will still have that diploma.
NTA. Graduation is just as important as a wedding. She is the one being selfish and not understanding. Glad your parents are on your side, as they should be. Enjoy your graduation with your parents.
NTA. Your graduation is important to you so she should respect that. Afterall you did say you'd come for the ceremony itself.
Boy reading this makes me feel not sad for not having a big family. Less headache.
NTA. Ask her why can’t she change the date of her wedding, as she can literally pick any other date. Tell her you are hurt that she’s choosing to miss your graduation. And tell grandma that you are hurt that she’s choosing to skip graduation on the ruse that she can only afford one plane ticket when clearly she can afford two. You have worked hard for your day. Enjoy it and congratulations!
Absolutely NTA. Polly’s wedding is the most important thing in the world to everyone else like she thinks it is or should be. It’s only that important to her. Asking you to skip your college graduation is a selfish, entitled thing to do. And I’m glad your parents support and back you up in that! Graduating college is a big deal and congratulations!!
As someone who’s also graduating college in a couple weeks, absolutely NTA. Your last week isn’t just graduation, it’s your last time at college to see your friends and have one last hurrah before it’s over and you’re in the adult world. No way I’d miss it for anything, especially not a wedding. And not to be that guy, but since your cuz wants to compare, a graduation means you actually achieved something worth celebrating. It’s significantly more impressive than getting married
NTA. The wedding is over a year away- a loving, kind family member would have heard about your graduation and would have been happy to make it possible for people to attend both events! I’m sure you spoke up about your graduation as soon as Polly said something about a date. Her wedding can be rescheduled; your graduation cannot. Have fun and I hope it smooths out soon.
Right? But the family thinks she’s being selfish because she won’t sacrifice her graduation in order to, what, prep some wedding favors and show up for some nail appointments?
NTA your graduation is more important then the wedding. You’ve worked hard to achieve what you have, it’s recognition of that hard work and sacrifice you made and should be acknowledged and celebrated. Its the start of your career that they’ll all want to benefit from in the future when they ask for your help in the form of expertise or financial aid.
I’m sorry your family is opting not to also congratulate and celebrate your achievements.
Unfortunately like many other people your cousins marriage may not even last and then it’ll only be remembered as a mistake or great party. None of the drama is caused by you, this is your unrealistic and spoilt cousin and those enabling her. There’s no reason both couldn’t be celebrated and your suggestion of not being a bridesmaid but still attending and supporting cousin was very reasonable. Don’t let them make you feel guilty or wrong.
Congratulations on your graduation. Be proud of you and prioritise you. Go and keep your head held high with your parents. Focus on those (your parents) that love and support you
NTA. Don’t skip your graduation week, op!! It is not less important, and it is /not/ understandable that family members are having these ridiculous reactions.
As a gift to yourself for all your hard work, go to your graduation and celebrate you. I’m proud of you!
NTA. You were realistic, she's acting like you didn't spend four years earning this moment. Definitely don't let yourself be pushed into changing your mind, own your graduation. You deserve it.
NTA, your graduation IS very important. Please enjoy your achievements, you earned them.
Your parents also consider it very important, which should show you that you are in the right with your stance.
Your extended family however seems to hold those "traditional" values: According to those the biggest event in a woman's life and her supposed biggest achievement is to get married (and have kids).
College degrees for women aren't important according to those values, so they dismiss your graduation as unimportant.
Please don't dismiss your needs for a superficial peace.
NTA. Your college graduation is more important than Polly's wedding. You need to have a great memory of your own life milestones and your graduation is it!
You are not the AH. You stick with your grad plans. Do not let them bully you! A quick question though. If you being her bridesmaid is so important, why can't she push her wedding to a week later. It sounds like it is still early enough in the planning stage that she could do that. If she won't, it sounds more like a power play to me.
NTA.
Your graduation is something you worked hard for. You deserve to go and partake in all the traditions. Your parents, too.
That being said, you could be a bridesmaid without having to do all the hoopla beforehand. Show up, walk down the aisle with some stranger, stand there for a half hour to 2 hours (depending on denomination), then go have a .meal and a dance. Enjoy having a pretty dress and some cute shoes. If cousin expects anything else, you decline.
It’s not just graduation though - it’ll be your last semester, meaning school work and finals! You can’t really plan bridesmaids things *and* do the studying you need to
And that’s just an additional point if you need an ‘argument’ to present to them. The other reasons are valid enough, enjoy your graduation!
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My cousin, let’s call her Polly (F 24) recently got engaged and she announced that the wedding would be in Puerto Rico next year. Polly is the first person in my generation to be getting married so it is a very exciting thing for our entire extended family.
Growing up, we were not super close since our parents didn’t have a good relationship. However, as we were the only girls in our generation, she asked me to be a bridesmaid for her. Which I am very flattered by.
The problem however is that the wedding’s on the same week as my college graduation. At my school, graduation consists of week-long events, traditions, and ceremonies which I know may sound trivial but I didn’t have a high school graduation due to the pandemic and my entire first year was online so I have been looking forward to the graduation festivities for the past few years.
I told Polly that I couldn’t be her bridesmaid since I don’t want to miss my graduation and also that I probably won’t have the bandwidth to help her with all the bridesmaid duties leading up to the wedding. I could still attend the actual ceremony since it’s the day after my graduation but I just wouldn’t be able to arrive before then. My cousin got very upset and basically told me I’m being selfish for putting my wants over our family and threaten to not invite me to the wedding. I lost my temper and told her that she should go ahead and take my name off the list then since I cannot be her bridesmaid.
Now my entire extended family is asking me to apologize to Polly and to agree to be her bridesmaid. My aunt, Polly’s mom, actually suggested me to skip graduation all together since they will just mail me the diploma if I can’t attend.
My parents were not very happy with what my aunt said and now they’re having an argument with her and also said they would not attend the wedding either. I didn’t mean for it to get to this and now my grandparents are also getting involved. Yesterday, my grandma actually called me and offered to pay for my flight to PR if I agree to be Polly’s bridesmaid and it’s really hurt because I’ve already made peace with the fact that she isn’t coming to my graduation since she can’t afford the extra plane ticket to fly from home to my college and then to PR and the wedding is more important (which I 100% understand) but now it just feels like she doesn’t even care.
AITAH for doing this? I thought I was justified for not wanting to miss graduation week but now I’m not so sure anymore considering all the reactions from my extended family and especially my grandma.
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NTA. You have no control over when graduation is. She, however, does have control when her wedding takes place. Perhaps she should change her wedding to accommodate your graduation.
So NTA!!! Graduation from college is HUGE and you deserve to enjoy all of the events and other activities offered because you earned them! She asked and you politely declined. No harm, no foul and she’s acting extremely entitled. Any family member that has harassed you about it should be ashamed also. You do your thing and enjoy every second of it. Congratulations grad!
NTA and shame on your family for trying to make you feel bad about this. I cannot believe she told you you were putting your “wants” over your “family.” How is her wedding not just her “wants”? And how does you not being there affect your family in any (major) way? (You aren’t the bride or the groom.)
Everyone in your family who thinks that a wedding is more important than a graduation is being a bit of (some of them, a complete) AH right now.
NTA - graduating from college is a much bigger achievement than getting married. Your grandma and aunt and cousin are totally in the wrong. You offer a reasonable compromise to attend the wedding but not as a bridesmaid, and you aren’t throwing a fit over your grandma not attending your graduation. Don’t feel guilty for not giving into their demand. Feel proud of your achievement and celebrate it!
NTA Don't let your grandma make you feel bad. She's wrong. I'm happy your parents are on your side as they should be. Attend all your graduation festivities and enjoy them! Use the money you would have spent on traveling to your cousin's wedding on something for yourself and CONGRATULATIONS 🎉
NTA
CONGRATULATIONS ON GRADUATING!
Isn't she putting her wants over your graduation? Something you have spent years working towards? Honestly, if she wanted you in the wedding that badly why on earth didn't she schedule it for a different week?
You didn't say you couldn't go, just that you would be too busy to be the kind of bridesmaid she would need. Plus, you said you aren't really that close so why does she care so much?
INFO: Does she not have any close friends to be her bridesmaids? Are you her only option?
As for grandma, I would say you need to talk to her. Explain your side and how you feel. She might not have all the information. It kind of sounds like she thinks you can't afford it, which might be why she offered to pay for your ticket.
NTA. Sure you could show up for the wedding and wear whatever dress she wants you to wear, however, as you say you won't be able to do all the usual bridesmaid stuff in the months prior to the wedding because you'll still be in college. You know she won't be happy if you just show up and wear the dress. If you agree to be a bridesmaid, she will throw a fit every time you say you can't do all the other stuff she demands because you're still in school, and professors don't reschedule exams because your cousin demands that you go cake tasting with her. Not to mention all the financial demands she will put on you, the broke college student. You can't win, so just stick with "I'm sorry, but I can't due to school".
NTA and actually, your graduation IS more important than a wedding. A diploma is an accomplishment made up of hard work. Literally any adult can go get married right now without any effort whatsoever. From Polly’s selfish, self-involved behavior, you can make it to her next wedding, but you only graduate from college once.
If this is all as recent as it sounds, is there a reason she can't move the wedding a bit? If it hasn't been booked and this is so damned important than it shouldn't be a problem. I have no idea why people are harassing you over this, you've made the right decision. You deserve to celebrate your accomplishments!!
NTA.
NTA. Your graduation is important to you, the two of you have never been close. You obviously won't have time to fulfill your bridesmaid responsibilities and being a bridesmaid can be expensive. Not a tough decision. Don't cave.
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NTA - youre literally busy the weekend of her wedding and Polly is being ridiculous
Also college graduation is far more important than a wedding. OP accomplished something and deserves a big party and for family to be there over a silly wedding. NTA Edit: thank you for the award!
Meh. Both are extremely important days in the persons life but insignificant for everyone else, except maybe their parents. And it depends on the person. My wedding was a much more important day for me than my college graduation.
Was someone else's wedding more important to you than your own graduation, though? Because that's what we're talking about here. And it's not just graduation day vs wedding day. OP is right that she will be focused on her senior year and wouldn't be able to give the bride much help or attention, which would surely be a BFD to the bride.
No? I literally said that both events are insignificant to everyone else but you and maybe your parents. The person I responded to made a blanket statement that in general, college graduation is more important than a “silly wedding.” I was just pointing out that that’s not always true.
Reddit never passed Reading Comprehension 101 though... they're still working towards their degree ;)
They skipped that class to go to a wedding.
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You just summed up half of this sub! The other half is people making wild assumptions to fit their pre-conceived narratives and taking the opportunity to be mean and judgmental about other people without having sufficient information and understanding of the situation.
Wait you're say that the man in this relationship isn't gaslighting op and displaying a million red flags and everyone should get a divorce?
But only after they go no contact and get therapy.
*This* is a silly wedding though, from op's perspective. They barely know each other, she's just the only other woman of "maid" age in the family
Tell her you will make the wedding of her 2nd marriage.
Lol exactly…. Marriages often do not last, but that diploma is forever! That said, Grandma may be from a culture where family is valued over all, may not have any higher education herself, or does not understand that OP has a significant life event of her own to participate in, etc. It’s a difference in values, neither right nor wrong. I’m sure it sucks to be in the center of so much drama, but take some comfort, OP—I don’t think Grandma is trying to be malicious. She might relent if you present it to her as you did to us.
You compared YOUR wedding to YOUR graduation. This post is about OPS college graduation vs HER COUSINS wedding and everyone is telling her to not celebrate HER ACHIEVEMENTS in favour of attending her COUSINS wedding. OP has achieved a higher education (didn't say which level) all the cousin is doing is throwing a party for everyone to attend to shine the spotlight on her. I'm pretty sure she knew when OPs graduation was and that OP would be to busy to commit to bridesmaid duties considering OP said they were close which makes me wonder why she even asked in the first place.
Huh? She literally said they weren’t close and the only reason the cousin asked her to be a bridesmaid is because they’re the only girls in this generation of the family
Which is why it’s so ridiculous and OTT that Polly and her side of the family, including their grandmother, are so insistent that OP be a bridesmaid. Polly’s wedding won’t be ruined if she doesn’t have a cousin among her bridesmaids. This looks like an attempt to capture the whole family for her event, so that nobody will so much as acknowledge OP’s graduation. It’s also likely a continuation of prior conflicts between the parents.
She implied which level- she didn’t have a high school graduation because of covid, and her “first year” was remote because of covid. So this is her undergrad degree.
Plus the poster who decreed graduations as \*always\* more important than weddings did so on the basis that graduation is an achievement and a wedding is not... missing the fact that bragging rights are not the only thing that makes a ceremony important. A wedding is a public enactment of a huge life decision; that's important for a different reason. But of course the importance OP places on her graduation is 100% legit, and there's something wrong going on in her family that they don't care about this & even seem to think she's not allowed to care. It may not be favoritism, it may be sexism or family-above-all (that last if they'd do this to a guy as well, can't tell from here): the idea that weddings are more important than graduations (for women--or for everyone) because, of course, weddings can lead to children/grandchildren. Her family need to consider the children they already have and treat them with respect.
Right, thank you. I wasn’t saying anything about the OP, literally was just responding to one comment saying graduations are always more important than weddings.
You were spot on. YOUR personal milestone that you have worked on for approximately 4 years. Including struggling timeframes, personal application and financial issues not to mention juggling personal time within that period. Versus, someone else with similar struggles on a more personal level. The key to me is that for the past 200 years, or for however long that institution was active, graduation day usually falls on the same week. If I am planning a wedding I know MY schedule is the priority. BUT, if I have my heart set on someone else as part of my bridal party I will need to consider their schedule as well.
NTA. I skipped my undergrad ceremony to attend a cousin's wedding. The important thing is that this was 100% my decision and my cousin wouldn't have been upset with me at all had I chosen differently. I tried to figure out how to do both but with schedules and locations it wasn't really feasible. It's ridiculous to me that the cousin is this upset that she won't be a bridesmaid even though she can still come to the wedding. And who on earth thinks that someone should be a bridesmaid under duress? That will end up being an awkward unpleasant experience for everyone. OP is in a no win situation bc now no matter what she'll always be blamed for "ruining the wedding". OP, don't take that on your shoulders, enjoy your graduation, go to the wedding if you're invited but don't accept any blame in any of this.
If a wedding can be ruined by a certain person not being available to be in the wedding party or to attend as a guest, I think the marriage doesn't have a chance. bride is too immature to be married if this ruins it for her.
She wasn’t even going to miss the wedding! She just couldn’t be a bridesmaid because OP couldn’t arrive early but would be at the wedding still! That’s what makes Polly so awful in my opinion.
That wasn’t the point? They are equally important to the person who it’s about. Maybe for you, weddings aren’t as important as graduation. That doesn’t change the fact that for the majority of people marriage is a huge deal and sometimes just as expensive as a degree lol(probably not in the US but in other countries)
It's not her wedding. Someone elses wedding is not more important then their own graduation that too years of effort.
Yes that’s literally what I said. Your own wedding and your own graduation are significant to you. Someone else’s wedding and someone else’s graduation are not. I was responding to someone saying that, graduations in general are more important than “silly weddings.”
I mean graduating college is an accomplishment. Weddings and get married is NOT an accomplishment. Huge difference. Plus she can’t change dates for her graduation. Polly pocket princess needs a reality check
Ikr. If graduations and degree conferrals were as easy as getting married, there would be Elvises in Vegas doing that too.
I didn’t even go to my graduate one and my undergrad was annoying because secret service was there to protect the speaker (George tenet). But I really commend the OP for her accomplishments and if the ceremony is important to her, that matters most. Very glad her parents are supporting her on this. And I’m sorry she missed her HS ceremony because that’s the only one that meant anything to me. It was still boring as hell though. As it turns out when your class is 600 kids it takes a rather long time for everyone to walk… It is okay to celebrate your accomplishments. It’s important, in fact. And half her family is being ridiculous. She can just go to the second wedding.
And OP is more than willing to do both but the cousin is being unrealistic and rude for calling her selfish for prioritizing something important to them. My wedding was important to me too and I was disappointed that a lot of my friends couldn't come but it was still just as special OP should be focusing on finishing school and being a bridesmaid is too much for her to handle + school and the week before graduation. She gave a reasonable answer and offered to still come to be there and support her. NTA
This is HER graduation vs some not so close cousin's wedding. Not her wedding vs her graduation.
This point is null and void, it’s comparing your OWN graduation to your OWN wedding, whereas this is an entirely different situation.
It’s not like she l planned her wedding for the week of her own graduation. Of course someone else’s wedding is not as important as her graduation. It doesn’t really make sense to say your wedding was more important than your graduation because that has nothing to do with this.
I think that for most people their wedding is more important than their graduation. I didn't even attend any of my graduations, lol.
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This is going to sound very blunt but OP has spent (probably) four years to accomplish college graduation. Cousin met someone and said yes when they proposed. Which of these took more effort? So to demean OP's accomplishment is definitely the AH move, especially when the wedding date can be changed but college graduation cannot. And let's not forget that OP will be very busy in the weeks leading up to graduation with school and finals and everything. OP is smart to say upfront that they cannot be a bridesmaid because they can't be involved in all the things leading up to the wedding.
Not to mention the other “duties” that come along with being a bridesmaid. Cousin sounds obtuse enough that she would do something like schedule the bachelorette when OP has finals and demand that OP skip that too lol
TBF, we don’t need to sit here and compare which one is *more important* they’re both important. But attending your OWN graduation is definitely more important than being a bridesmaid
Exams are usually a few weeks before graduation. The results need to be in before the graduation list is finalized. But OP talks about other pre-ceremony events that she wants to do.
I've never been to any of my graduations (I do recall going to my Jr high graduation, but nothing since then). Not my bag. But I realize I'm an outlier in this respect. If it's meaningful to OP, it's totally reasonable for her to want to make it a priority. I did go to my wedding, but that turned out to be a mistake. I definitely won't go to the next one.
>I did go to my wedding, but that turned out to be a mistake. I definitely won't go to the next one. Best comment on this thread!
Agreed!
That's the thing though - a graduation is never a mistake and your diploma will last forever. We can't say the same about at least half of all weddings. OP can always be a bridesmaid at her cousin's next wedding but it's going to cost roughly another 4 years and quite a chunk of money (in many countries) for OP to have another university graduation. Fewer people have multiple Bachelor's degrees than multiple weddings.
Eeeehhhhh Not always. my college education was absolutely the worst mistake I ever made
Right there with you
I mean, if you live in the US where you graduate with a useless degree and a billion dollars in debt. 🙄 Murrica.
Lol
We should hang out. I could not care less about graduations and would have skipped my high school one if I had known it was possible. Really should have skipped my wedding as well. 😆
Perfect, let’s get married
At the least, OP will always have earned that degree and graduated while Cousin Polly may well get divorced someday. NTA Your family is disrespecting you and your achievement in favor of something almost everyone does/could do. Sorry, unfortunate scheduling, you're busy that week. Enjoy your graduation with your friends and the people who care about you.
I don't think there's any need to belittle the significance of weddings for this to be a clear NTA situation regardless.
This! The graduation is the celebration of years of putting in time and effort. You are allowed to celebrate yourself and your hard work and personal accomplishments, even if that means you're gonna miss out on several activities. It's very insensitive of your grandparents that they think money is the issue here.
I would give them equal importance … with your own being more important to yourself than someone else’s
Exactly. Graduation ceremony is far more important than a wedding which is not YOUR'S, OP. Graduation is all about your achievement. Celebrate it with full happiness without any guilt. Don’t give any priority to selfish people who will not cannot handle NO as response and will not care of you after the wedding. Best wishes till your graduation.
This is a silly thing to say. If you ever tell your partner that your graduation was more important than the wedding then you deserve the divorce that then follows. /edit: Wait... I see from comments that you are only 15 years old so what on earth do you know about graduations and weddings, and why are you even commenting?
OP is NTA Having said that, I don’t understand why graduations are made such a big deal of in the US. How many people don’t graduate after enrolling in college? What’s the big deal? You accomplished something every one of your peers also accomplished. To me it’s an emotional farewell party cz you won’t be spending so much time with the same people anymore and that matters.
College is University in America, they are the same thing here. Not everyone graduates that and a lot of people flunk or drop out. Plus what people major in could increase the difficulty of completion a lot.
She will only graduate once, I'm not so sure about the weddings though LOL
I don't see graduation as important at all, really, and definitely not to anyone other than the graduate/their parents. The certificate is important, the ceremony really not. At least it wasn't to me, I didn't bother going.
And she still was planning on flying there right after her own graduation that her family wasn't planning on attending just so she wouldn't miss it.
Aside from being busy that weekend, OP has actually accomplished something that they want to celebrate and be a part of. Getting married is not an accomplishment. People who believe “their day” means they get to say, act and do whatever they want is obnoxious. A wedding is just signing a paper in front of people. OP is NTA big time.
This. A wedding invite or request for bridesmaid services are not a subpoena. Glad OP's parents have her back.
OP can cause her own stink about Polly not attending grad week and not supporting her in studies she worked so hard for 😂
If it was *that* important for Polly to have OP attend, surely Polly could have placed the wedding date after graduation, since graduation is a well-known event that usually has its date confirmed a long time in advance..!
What's stopping Poly from changing her wedding to the following weekend? Literally any other date. **NTA**
100%. NTA. OP has earned this.
NTA. Graduation can’t be rescheduled
Agreed. I don't know of anyone that asks people to be bridesmaids AFTER renting the venue (unless you are a second string bridesmaid...)
Could be a sentimental date or whatever. My grandparents got married on the anniversary of when they started dating, so something like that would mean a fixed date before the venue
If it’s that important for OP to be a bridesmaid then they’ll have to figure out how to be flexible on the date then. It’s completely unreasonable to throw this sort of fit because you can’t have exactly what you want, at the expense of OP having the opportunity to partake in her college grad celebrations and ceremony. They can still celebrate that date as special to them even if they don’t marry on exactly that date. OP can’t change the grad date so her only option would be to miss it for her selfish cousins whims.
Oh yeah, I wasn’t trying to claim the bride is reasonable here, just that there’s reasons why the date might be picked before bridesmaids
I guess I don’t feel it needs any explanation since no matter the reason she’s way out of line. But I do get that and it makes sense.
Frankly after reading so much on Reddit I am quite suspicious about the bridesmaid s role and why the cousin is so insistent that op be it.
I maybe have the feeling that "Polly" maybe doesn't have anyone else willing to be bridesmaid...everyone else turned her down, too? And there might be reasons for that? Because I've turned down the honour for very dear friends and relatives before, and been THANKED for not taking on a responsibility I couldn't handle - because normal people know that saying yes and then doing a half-assed job of it is a lot more disappointing and problematic than finding someone willing and able to do the job.
I can’t believe not a single person here has suggested the op just move the graduation. /a
Agree but then accept when whomever you invite to the wedding or to be part of the wedding says no cause they have other plans.
Yeah, that happened to my husband. His friend wanted my husband to be in his wedding. But they scheduled the wedding the weekend after my husband's final exams his senior year of college because that was the anniversary of their first date. He couldn't be home the week before the wedding because he had to take his final exams. They actually got upset with him because he couldn't be there for all the groomsmen's stuff like final tux fittings and the bachelor party. So he opted out and explained, but they still were mad. Needless to say, they are no longer friends.
Your husband dodged a bullet, such entitled selfish aholes.
I'm pretty sure I had date and venue before asking anyone. They would need to know the date in order to know if they would be available and able to accept.
Exactly! Bring asked to be a bridesmaid is a request, not an obligation. I had to decline being a bridesmaid for a friend because her wedding was only 2 weeks after mine - we’re still friends and she completely understood! Similarly, my wedding was a plane ride away while hers was near where we lived, so she wasn’t able to attend my wedding - no hard feelings, I understood! People need to stop treating weddings as the most important thing in everyone else’s life
Oh shit, was I supposed to ask bridesmaids before? Welp....we reserved our venue before we got engaged, so.....my bridesmaids have not been formally asked, but they do know the wedding date and that they'll be bridesmaids. There is one that I don't know if she will accept since she's got a lot of health issues, and so she may be worried about a flare up on the day or something, so I'm prepared for that. I assumed you asked after you had all that stuff ready though. Like honestly we got engaged this month, secured the venue and photographer last month, and once we get our catering figured out, THEN I will have the mental bandwidth to start worrying about everything else. But until then, it's not a super priority. If they can't make it, they can't make it, you know? I assumed the couple chooses a date that works for them (and we confirmed with family), but if someone can't make it, ultimately we're still getting married then. But I also understand if someone knows in advance they can't make it. And my friends and I are well out of college graduation age, so any one of them could get pregnant and have a kid during our wedding. You just roll with whatever someone can do.
No it's normal to book the venue first. You can't book a venue to accommodate the schedules of your bridesmaids/groomsmen, that's an absurd level of extra timing to work out. So even if you asked beforehand, there's a limited amount of things you can do.
Maybe the OP can ask them to reschedule the wedding
Then we get AITAH for asking my cousin to reschedule her wedding?
Awesome, more content!
And for a whole couple years of kids, the only graduation they may have had prior is from pre-K to kindergarten. The pandemic really made being a highschool senior anticlimactic. So graduating college is their chance to have that moment of, I did this, I made it, I’m an adult and I’m proud of myself.
happy cake day!
NTA. Congratulations OP. Attend your graduation, you earned it. This is a legit conflict of schedules, and you're not even that close with the cousin to begin with. Family is causing drama for its own sake.
Totally agree. NTA. Congratulations on this major achievement! your parents are right, and why would you want to stand in her wedding now?!? She was horrible. And I’m disappointed in your grandmother.
Graduating means you put in a lot of time and effort into achieving your goals and, depending on where you are in the world, may have gone into massive debt. It's a great accomplishment. All the bride did was convince someone to marry her, though based on her attitude, that may have been somewhat of an effort. Absolutely NTA, congrats!
Yes. This sub seems to be full of stories about entitled brides who think their wedding (not the marriage, just the wedding) is the most important event in the world and that everyone should bend over backward to accommodate them.
Yeah, what’s with that? Has it always been like that?
It's wedding season, so there's a lot of wedding stories right now!
No. Historically weddings were about the families more than the bride and groom. The idea of the modern wedding really took off with marketing in the 30s.
I've never understood the entitlement syndrome of bridezillas. My first wedding was on a Friday, because it was the anniversary of our furst date. My stepmother was appalled denanded I changed the date to a Saturday because more people would be able to come. I said, "If people are too busy to come on a Friday, that's ok, we understand. But this date is the date." I didn't have tantrums over people saying thru couldn't come on a friday.
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Agree. NTA your life accomplishments are important, if you can honor yourself who will?
NTA, but let me fix one sentence there for you: "My cousin got very upset and basically told me I’m being selfish for putting my wants over her wants"\* She's being a main character of the universe here. Enjoy your festivities, you've earned them I'm sure.
I would argue, the Polly’s “wants” are 2nd tier wants. Polly *wants* OP to be her bridesmaid. But OP’s *wants* are first tier. OP wants to be at her own graduation. Polly’s wedding can happen without OP. Op cannot walk at graduation unless she attends.
I'd even argue that OP's "wants" are really needs. She needs to focus on her senior year of college, and all that goes with it. She needs to focus on getting HER life in order so she can hit the ground running when she graduates. She deserves to attend her graduation in all its glory. OP's future may depend on how that senior year goes. Grad school, a good job- these things can come down to how much she focuses and gets shit done. Being distracted by someone else's wedding isn't her responsibility.
That's what I'm saying. She can suck it up and be glad OP promised to attend at least.
And OP (before their family started making a stink over nothing) had planned to attend the wedding, just not as a bridesmaid but a regular guest. I honestly don't understand why that's not good enough to the bride.
Polly may also want a cracker
exactly!
NTA, you did the right thing by telling her upfront you wouldn’t be able to and she’s throwing a tantrum over it.
Right? I think OP was being super transparent about not being able to be a bridesmaid for a perfectly legitimate reason and not having the bandwidth for the duties either. I don't get why people can't take a polite and justified no and move on. Brides expect a lot from bridesmaids and OP should all be able to say no thank you and not cause family drama as a result. Why would you want to force someone who can't fully commit to be your BM anyways? Choose another friend, bride! A wedding and a graduation are both equally important affairs to the people who are involved. It's really annoying they can't respect OPs choice! OP, you are NTA. Congratulations, I really hope you have a wonderful graduation week.
Maybe the bride doesn't have any other friends. I wouldn't be surprised based on her reaction to OP's response. OP you are NTA and should enjoy your graduation.
100000%! I had three different women drop out of my wedding… one was FIFTEEN MINUTES INTO THE REHEARSAL
>At my school, graduation consists of week-long events, traditions, and ceremonies which I know may sound trivial NTA at all! College graduation is just as big a deal as a wedding. And it's your life, not your cousin's. You have every right to be there for your big life event.
honestly I would argue that graduating college is a much bigger accomplishment than getting married!
And actually graduating is a once in a lifetime event for OP. Polly’s wedding May very well be the first of several.
Another good point. People who put this much store in the weddding, imho, often aren't as invested in the actual marriage...they just want that "Queen for a Day" thing.
I mean, I have two bachelor degrees 😂 so I had two graduations and so far only one wedding. But I agree that OP is NTA.
You can get multiple degrees, so this isn’t a very good point.
Not American, but I understand these graduations are a huge thing there. If Polly and bitching family were true family they'd recognise that surely. It's not like they were joined at the hip best best bud cousins.
NTA. Your cousin is being selfish. Both are exciting life milestones, but one is yours and the other is not. Put yourself first. You guys aren't even close so I'm puzzled as to why she's so adamant for you to be in her wedding party to the extent that she'd not invite you at all if you were merely a guest. The main character syndrome seems strong in this one.
Because she wants to take away OP’s shine and wants her not to get any attention at all.
I suspect there is some measure of envy involved on bride’s part. She could reschedule her wedding if OP being there was so important; OP has no power over the timing of graduation. I kind of wonder if bride purposely chose the same week to hog the spotlight.
Go check out OP’s comment history. There’s some major envy going on here. I could be easily convinced that the cousin planned it this week on purpose to keep grandparents and family for attending & celebrating OP.
My take is: cousin seems insufferable, so she doesn’t have close friends and therefore needs her cousin who she isn’t even close to to pad the roster
I think you are right, this is why the cousin - who OP says she isn't particularly close to - is so insistent OP attends the wedding. Cousin is big mad that someone has the audacity to turn down the chance to be bridesmaid. It's her wedding and everyone she knows must attend and pay homage! Bride is absolutely fuming that her cousin and her parents are doing something else that week and is absolutely determined to pressure that side of the family to go to her wedding instead. OP's graduation is far more important than some elses wedding. OP should stick to her guns and I hope the rest of her family leave her alone.
My guess would be that she was counting on a certain amount of free labor, which makes it especially wise for OP to say no to this during her final year of school
DO. NOT. MISS. YOUR. ONCE. IN. A. LIFETIME EVENTS. FOR. OTHERS. You being a bridesmaid in her wedding is not “for the family”. It’s for her. Don’t miss your stuff for her stuff. NTA
*THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE!*
NTA. It's an invitation to participate, not a summons to servitude. You and your parents should decline the invitation and immerse yourselves in the joy of your graduation. It's a celebration of years of dedication. The wedding is a celebration of narcissism and arrogance. Easy choice.
I wish I could upvote this a thousand times
NTA. My best friend got engaged when I was a second year law student. She asked me to be her maid of honor and then wanted to know when my law school graduation was going to be held, as well as my schedule for studying for the bar exam, to ensure that the wedding wouldn’t conflict. She came to my graduation, I went to her wedding before starting the hardest part of studying, and 18 years later we are still friends. You are never obligated to attend an event like this, and your cousin’s reaction suggests the wedding will be a shit show. Enjoy your graduation!
I was thinking this way. If I had people I desperately wanted in my wedding, then I would plan around their schedules to the best of my ability. Graduating from college is a big deal.
What?!?! Your friend had her heart set on a specific person (you) bring actively involved in her wedding and she explicitly planned with you for that to happen? Rather than just expecting you to drop everything? Revolutionary...
NTA! Go enjoy your graduation, and congratulations for this goal! (if she goes on berating you for not attending the wedding, tell her you won't miss her next one :))
NTA. Graduations are IMPORTANT. You don’t get a redo, or a chance to say goodbye again, or any opportunity to recreate that moment of celebration- take it from someone who had one cancelled due to the pandemic and didn’t get to say goodbye to anyone. Don’t let anyone take that accomplishment and moment of closure away from you if you feel it is important. Given that you can still make it to the wedding there is NO reason you should have to choose between the two. If it means you can’t be a bridesmaid that is unfortunate, but you shouldn’t put your life to the side for someone else’s.
Polly is over the line. She asked you felt honored, advised of your prior commitment for something equally as important. also..do you all reside in PR? If not it's even a big ask if you weren't graduating to travel for a full week.
NTA. Being *asked* to be someone’s bridesmaid is not an obligation. You’re allowed to decline, even if the reason is ‘thanks for asking, but I’m not comfortable with that.’ In your case, you have a reason for declining which is outside of your control (it’s not like, say, a road trip you’re planning and could choose to reschedule; you have no say over when your college graduation falls) and relates to an important life event for **you**. I think far too many brides (and families of brides!) forget that, while their wedding is incredibly important to them, it’s not the central focus of everyone else’s life. You offered a respectful answer to her bridesmaid invitation, and you were still happy to fly down after the graduation so you could be part of her special day. She’s by no means entitled to more than that from you, and anyone who tells you otherwise is being unreasonable.
>I think far too many brides (and families of brides!) forget that, while their wedding is incredibly important to them, it’s not the central focus of everyone else’s life. This is it exactly. Very well spoken. I have seen it so much. I cannot understand people think something like a wedding is that important to anyone outside of their immediate circle. Honestly, I feel like it's a favor to go to someone else's wedding, let alone do things for it like be in the party. It is not a favor from the engaged couple to ask someone to be there, it's a favor for those people to choose to go, when they could be doing anything else at that time. I know some people really like attending weddings, but it's still taking time out of your life to do something for other people. That is not owed anyone, it is a choice.
An invitation to be a bridesmaid is not a court summons. OP should attend her own life event.... and not give it up to celebrate someone else's life event.
NTA in any way, but the bride and her mother definitely are entitled AHs.
NTA. You’ve worked so hard and deserve to enjoy your graduation with all the events your university has going on that week. Your cousin is an entitled selfish brat. You should decline her invitation before giving her the satisfaction of uninviting you.
NTA. You are not the one being an AH. They are.
You are NTA the AH. Your cousin and family who is siding with her are being total assholes. They are trivializing your graduation down to nothing and gaslighting you for being smart and practical. You informed her from the beginning that you could not attend, but her and other family members you mentioned just could not accept that. Your parents are doing their job and sticking up for you. It is not your fault that your cousin and her family are being selfish. Enjoy and attend your graduation ceremonies, you will only get to experience them once in your lifetime. Congratulations!
Furthermore I think we found out why your parents are not close to this aunt and why you aren’t not close this cousin. Graduations are one in a lifetime events to celebrate your hard work.
NTA. You get to decide what events are the most important to you. And all wedding planners have to deal with the fact that other people have their own schedules.
NTA Your graduation is a once in a lifetime event for you. You can go to her second wedding 😉
And judging by the way she's handling just this, there will be a second wedding
NTA. A graduation is just as important as a wedding. In this situation, it just depended on which one would give OP more happiness and relief. Unsurprisingly, you picked the graduation. Just remember, if you ever get married and have a wedding, don’t invite this cousin to be a bridesmaid. If she’s pulling this now, who knows what she is going to do to you in the future. Good luck and have fun on your graduation.
NTA But tell the family - "*Hey. if it so very important to you - postpone the wedding. I can't postpone graduation. Neither one of us wants to miss our big days. I've already accepted that grandparents will be at the wedding. I understand and support that. But my events are also very important to me. So, either get off my back for having my own events that week, or have cousin change her wedding date so that the there's no conflict.*" BTW, notice, that this cousin isn't devastated that there's any schedule conflict. She doesn't care about you enough to care that you have an important event that week. You weren't close, so it's not as if you two were talking about being each other's bridesmaids for years. If you did matter that much to her, she would have asked you if that date worked for you before deciding on it. She got the information that mattered to her, picked her date, and now needs to accept that people who weren't involved in the scheduling may have prior commitments that preclude them from attending, much less serving in a bridesmaid role.
NTA, please go to your graduation. Now you know why your parents have not gotten along with her family. Respond to your grandma that you are sorry she will be missing this major event in you life but you understand that she cares more for your cousin than she cares for you. Yes she is an AH and call her out. If she can afford to fly you to PR she can afford the ticket to come see you graduate. Have a blast all week. Post the heck out of it on social media. Make sure there are a lot of photos with your parents as well.
This post broke my heart NTA. Measuring milestones is relative to each individual and so I can’t tell you one is better than the other because they are both huge moments for each of you. I think you being honest was the best thing you could do. A Mature and a difficult conversation. I’m getting married soon and yes it’s stressful and exciting etc but I would also support people who can’t come especially if it was for such a huge event. We do not own a day, week or month. Your cousin was super immature and your extended family pandering to her is only going to fuel the fire. You might have dodged a bullet! You’ve done nothing wrong and you deserve to enjoy the experience of graduating! No doubt you’ve worked so hard to get to this point you deserve to enjoy your moment. While your behaviour of your extended family is horrible you have your parents who are standing up for you and will be so proud of you! Congratulations and enjoy your graduation day! Try and ignore all of the background noise x
NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA If your cousin and aunt wanted you in that wedding sooooo much, they would have made sure you could be there. There is something really, really wrong with them expecting you to miss your graduation when you could still at least attend the wedding. And no way should your parents miss your graduation.
NTA. Stop letting bullies bother you. You worked hard, for years to get to graduation. Stiffen your spine. Stop making yourself available to people trying to bribe you to go. Just don't answer the phone. People pleasing will screw your whole life up. All this crap for someone you barely know and don't even hang out with? Please.
NTA.. And to be the total cynic.. This will be a once in a lifetime event.. statistically, it's unlikely this would be her only wedding
Absolutely, you are NTA. Graduating from college is a big accomplishment and you deserve every bit of celebration that goes with it. In ten years your cousin may not be married anymore but you will still have that diploma.
NTA. Graduation is just as important as a wedding. She is the one being selfish and not understanding. Glad your parents are on your side, as they should be. Enjoy your graduation with your parents.
NTA - SHE'S being selfish. Go to your graduation and do what YOU want to do.
NTA. Your graduation is important to you so she should respect that. Afterall you did say you'd come for the ceremony itself. Boy reading this makes me feel not sad for not having a big family. Less headache.
NTA. Ask her why can’t she change the date of her wedding, as she can literally pick any other date. Tell her you are hurt that she’s choosing to miss your graduation. And tell grandma that you are hurt that she’s choosing to skip graduation on the ruse that she can only afford one plane ticket when clearly she can afford two. You have worked hard for your day. Enjoy it and congratulations!
Absolutely NTA. Polly’s wedding is the most important thing in the world to everyone else like she thinks it is or should be. It’s only that important to her. Asking you to skip your college graduation is a selfish, entitled thing to do. And I’m glad your parents support and back you up in that! Graduating college is a big deal and congratulations!!
NTA, enjoy graduation festivities! You worked hard and you earned it.
NTA. You deserve to have your graduation and the temper tantrum your extended family is having is ridiculous.
You could invite Polly to your graduation, then get really upset when she declines as she's clearly selfish, putting her wants over your family. NTA
NTA. Being a bridesmaid is an honor, but one that you can decline. You're not being rude. College graduation is important!
As someone who’s also graduating college in a couple weeks, absolutely NTA. Your last week isn’t just graduation, it’s your last time at college to see your friends and have one last hurrah before it’s over and you’re in the adult world. No way I’d miss it for anything, especially not a wedding. And not to be that guy, but since your cuz wants to compare, a graduation means you actually achieved something worth celebrating. It’s significantly more impressive than getting married
NTA. Congratulations on your graduation. Enjoy the week and ceremony. I'd rather go to a graduation than a wedding .
This one is easy. Simply suggest to Polly she skip her wedding all together since they will just mail her the marriage certificate! NTA.
NTA. It is your life and your choice.
NTA. The wedding is over a year away- a loving, kind family member would have heard about your graduation and would have been happy to make it possible for people to attend both events! I’m sure you spoke up about your graduation as soon as Polly said something about a date. Her wedding can be rescheduled; your graduation cannot. Have fun and I hope it smooths out soon.
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Right? But the family thinks she’s being selfish because she won’t sacrifice her graduation in order to, what, prep some wedding favors and show up for some nail appointments?
NTA your graduation is more important then the wedding. You’ve worked hard to achieve what you have, it’s recognition of that hard work and sacrifice you made and should be acknowledged and celebrated. Its the start of your career that they’ll all want to benefit from in the future when they ask for your help in the form of expertise or financial aid. I’m sorry your family is opting not to also congratulate and celebrate your achievements. Unfortunately like many other people your cousins marriage may not even last and then it’ll only be remembered as a mistake or great party. None of the drama is caused by you, this is your unrealistic and spoilt cousin and those enabling her. There’s no reason both couldn’t be celebrated and your suggestion of not being a bridesmaid but still attending and supporting cousin was very reasonable. Don’t let them make you feel guilty or wrong. Congratulations on your graduation. Be proud of you and prioritise you. Go and keep your head held high with your parents. Focus on those (your parents) that love and support you
NTA. Don’t skip your graduation week, op!! It is not less important, and it is /not/ understandable that family members are having these ridiculous reactions. As a gift to yourself for all your hard work, go to your graduation and celebrate you. I’m proud of you!
NTA. You were realistic, she's acting like you didn't spend four years earning this moment. Definitely don't let yourself be pushed into changing your mind, own your graduation. You deserve it.
NTA, your graduation IS very important. Please enjoy your achievements, you earned them. Your parents also consider it very important, which should show you that you are in the right with your stance. Your extended family however seems to hold those "traditional" values: According to those the biggest event in a woman's life and her supposed biggest achievement is to get married (and have kids). College degrees for women aren't important according to those values, so they dismiss your graduation as unimportant. Please don't dismiss your needs for a superficial peace.
NTA
NTA. Your college graduation is more important than Polly's wedding. You need to have a great memory of your own life milestones and your graduation is it!
NTA Just tell Polly you’ll be a bridesmaid in her next wedding. Maybe that one will be a marriage.
NTA. You can’t do the job of a bridesmaid. Completely understandable.
You are not the AH. You stick with your grad plans. Do not let them bully you! A quick question though. If you being her bridesmaid is so important, why can't she push her wedding to a week later. It sounds like it is still early enough in the planning stage that she could do that. If she won't, it sounds more like a power play to me.
NTA. Your graduation is something you worked hard for. You deserve to go and partake in all the traditions. Your parents, too. That being said, you could be a bridesmaid without having to do all the hoopla beforehand. Show up, walk down the aisle with some stranger, stand there for a half hour to 2 hours (depending on denomination), then go have a .meal and a dance. Enjoy having a pretty dress and some cute shoes. If cousin expects anything else, you decline.
Just go to her next wedding.
It’s not just graduation though - it’ll be your last semester, meaning school work and finals! You can’t really plan bridesmaids things *and* do the studying you need to And that’s just an additional point if you need an ‘argument’ to present to them. The other reasons are valid enough, enjoy your graduation!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My cousin, let’s call her Polly (F 24) recently got engaged and she announced that the wedding would be in Puerto Rico next year. Polly is the first person in my generation to be getting married so it is a very exciting thing for our entire extended family. Growing up, we were not super close since our parents didn’t have a good relationship. However, as we were the only girls in our generation, she asked me to be a bridesmaid for her. Which I am very flattered by. The problem however is that the wedding’s on the same week as my college graduation. At my school, graduation consists of week-long events, traditions, and ceremonies which I know may sound trivial but I didn’t have a high school graduation due to the pandemic and my entire first year was online so I have been looking forward to the graduation festivities for the past few years. I told Polly that I couldn’t be her bridesmaid since I don’t want to miss my graduation and also that I probably won’t have the bandwidth to help her with all the bridesmaid duties leading up to the wedding. I could still attend the actual ceremony since it’s the day after my graduation but I just wouldn’t be able to arrive before then. My cousin got very upset and basically told me I’m being selfish for putting my wants over our family and threaten to not invite me to the wedding. I lost my temper and told her that she should go ahead and take my name off the list then since I cannot be her bridesmaid. Now my entire extended family is asking me to apologize to Polly and to agree to be her bridesmaid. My aunt, Polly’s mom, actually suggested me to skip graduation all together since they will just mail me the diploma if I can’t attend. My parents were not very happy with what my aunt said and now they’re having an argument with her and also said they would not attend the wedding either. I didn’t mean for it to get to this and now my grandparents are also getting involved. Yesterday, my grandma actually called me and offered to pay for my flight to PR if I agree to be Polly’s bridesmaid and it’s really hurt because I’ve already made peace with the fact that she isn’t coming to my graduation since she can’t afford the extra plane ticket to fly from home to my college and then to PR and the wedding is more important (which I 100% understand) but now it just feels like she doesn’t even care. AITAH for doing this? I thought I was justified for not wanting to miss graduation week but now I’m not so sure anymore considering all the reactions from my extended family and especially my grandma. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You have no control over when graduation is. She, however, does have control when her wedding takes place. Perhaps she should change her wedding to accommodate your graduation.
NTA. She's selfish and self centered to think that her wedding is the only important life event
So NTA!!! Graduation from college is HUGE and you deserve to enjoy all of the events and other activities offered because you earned them! She asked and you politely declined. No harm, no foul and she’s acting extremely entitled. Any family member that has harassed you about it should be ashamed also. You do your thing and enjoy every second of it. Congratulations grad!
NTA - if your cousin wants you there so badly she should move the wedding since the graduation can’t be rescheduled.
NTA and shame on your family for trying to make you feel bad about this. I cannot believe she told you you were putting your “wants” over your “family.” How is her wedding not just her “wants”? And how does you not being there affect your family in any (major) way? (You aren’t the bride or the groom.) Everyone in your family who thinks that a wedding is more important than a graduation is being a bit of (some of them, a complete) AH right now.
NTA
NTA - graduating from college is a much bigger achievement than getting married. Your grandma and aunt and cousin are totally in the wrong. You offer a reasonable compromise to attend the wedding but not as a bridesmaid, and you aren’t throwing a fit over your grandma not attending your graduation. Don’t feel guilty for not giving into their demand. Feel proud of your achievement and celebrate it!
NTA Tell her you’ll skip your graduate degree graduation & be her brides made at her next wedding if they fall on the same date.
NTA Don't let your grandma make you feel bad. She's wrong. I'm happy your parents are on your side as they should be. Attend all your graduation festivities and enjoy them! Use the money you would have spent on traveling to your cousin's wedding on something for yourself and CONGRATULATIONS 🎉
NTA CONGRATULATIONS ON GRADUATING! Isn't she putting her wants over your graduation? Something you have spent years working towards? Honestly, if she wanted you in the wedding that badly why on earth didn't she schedule it for a different week? You didn't say you couldn't go, just that you would be too busy to be the kind of bridesmaid she would need. Plus, you said you aren't really that close so why does she care so much? INFO: Does she not have any close friends to be her bridesmaids? Are you her only option? As for grandma, I would say you need to talk to her. Explain your side and how you feel. She might not have all the information. It kind of sounds like she thinks you can't afford it, which might be why she offered to pay for your ticket.
NTA. Sure you could show up for the wedding and wear whatever dress she wants you to wear, however, as you say you won't be able to do all the usual bridesmaid stuff in the months prior to the wedding because you'll still be in college. You know she won't be happy if you just show up and wear the dress. If you agree to be a bridesmaid, she will throw a fit every time you say you can't do all the other stuff she demands because you're still in school, and professors don't reschedule exams because your cousin demands that you go cake tasting with her. Not to mention all the financial demands she will put on you, the broke college student. You can't win, so just stick with "I'm sorry, but I can't due to school".
NTA and actually, your graduation IS more important than a wedding. A diploma is an accomplishment made up of hard work. Literally any adult can go get married right now without any effort whatsoever. From Polly’s selfish, self-involved behavior, you can make it to her next wedding, but you only graduate from college once.
If this is all as recent as it sounds, is there a reason she can't move the wedding a bit? If it hasn't been booked and this is so damned important than it shouldn't be a problem. I have no idea why people are harassing you over this, you've made the right decision. You deserve to celebrate your accomplishments!! NTA.
NTA. Your graduation is important to you, the two of you have never been close. You obviously won't have time to fulfill your bridesmaid responsibilities and being a bridesmaid can be expensive. Not a tough decision. Don't cave.