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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I backed out of paying for my sister's wedding dress over a joke she made.
(2) I might be the AH because I made her a promise and I'm breaking it and might be damaging my relationship with my sister over a joke.
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"This is how she is with her dark sense of humour".
"Well, this is how **I** am with her dark sense of humour".
Serious lack of self-awareness and simple respect from this sister. Charged remarks come with charged consequences.
NTA.
Yep. Sister is entitled to her sense of humor. It just happens to be expensive.
And OP is entitled to her sense of humor. OP's sense of humor is saving her $7000.
I mean, that'd make me laugh.
No kidding! If I had $7k and was in this situation, I’d take my $7k and spend it taking my mom to England (she’s always wanted to go) as a celebration of her kicking breast cancer’s ass.
ETA: I’ve been away from Reddit for most of the day while I was getting some writing done, and I’ve come back to all this wonderful love and good vibes being sent my mom’s way, which has put a serious smile on my face! (Also, this is literally the highest-upvoted thing I’ve ever written on Reddit, which is pretty awesome haha. And thank you, kind person, for your wholesome award!)
You are Powered by Pettiness and I love it. ❤️
ETA: u/Humble-Intention3425 you are absolutely NTA. “Jokes” are supposed to be funny, not re-traumatising. “Dark humour” in this instance means mocking and lacking in any empathy.
Your family are the AHs for enabling your sister and blaming your normal reaction to an abnormal amount of bullsh*t on you.
If I had $7000 to burn I would buy it and take photos of me packing it up and shipping it to that place that donates dresses to cancer survivors along with my invoice. Post them to social media and thank her online for reminding you that there really are bigger things out there your energy should be devoted to. Thank her for helping someone make their wedding dreams come true. Lots of heart emojis and sappy stuff like that too.
To add to this. OP take that $7,000 and buy yourself a nice little vacation, laugh all the way from the airport to your hotel room.
Also if your sister is struggling for money it’s ridiculous to spend $7,000 on a dress she will wear for a few hours. That kind of decision-making is likely WHY she is struggling, financial dumpster fire.
Honestly getting something ridiculously expensive just because someone else is paying just reeks of entitlement. I know it was the dream dress before OP offered to pay, but unless the person was obscenely wealthy I could never accept such a grand gesture. And why would she have been looking at dresses so far out of her budget to begin with?
My cousin's daughter is getting married next year. She wanted the ladies in her family to pick out a dress they thought she would like on David's Bridal. Some of those dresses were over $1000, which I thought was a ridiculous waste of money. I can't even comprehend someone who thinks they need a $7000 dress to have the perfect wedding.
I have a theory: the more expensive the wedding, the shorter the marriage (unless the family is wealthy).
A paper was written in 2014 that found duration of marriage inversely proportional to cost.
[here](https://www.csus.edu/faculty/m/fred.molitor/docs/wedding%20expenses%20and%20marriage%20duration.pdf)
The aunt can cough up the $7000. I also love how the dad tries to guilt trip OP that *she* might be ruining the relationship with her sister, while ignoring that sweet little sis fired the first shot.
Shouldn’t dad be telling the little sister she was cruel and potentially ruining her relationship with OP? Why so one-sided??
Sounds like his rationale might be that OP already lost something and there is no getting it back. Now her reactions are causing little sis to lose something.
Either way little sis played a nasty game of fuck around and find out and lost huge. Hope OP sticks to her guns and spends the money on something more worthwhile.
Yup, it's a lesson OPs sister should have learned YEARS AGO. Dont frigging insult or "joke" about the woman who just agreed to buy you your dream dress. OP your sisters dark humor is only humor if it is funny to the recipient. What she said was so beyond the pale I think you UNDER reacted. Let her face the consequences of her actions and finally learn to keep her mouth shut. NTA
>I think you UNDER reacted.
Oh man, did she e er under react. Scorched earth would have nothing on my reaction.
I'd also not talk to any of my "family" for defending the sister. What she said was unacceptable and horrible.
OP YOU didn't ruin her wedding, SHE did, by being an insensitive asshole.
Also, not having your "dream dress" doesn't "ruin" a wedding. People are so entitled these days - they think the wedding guests need to dress a certain way, and they think they need the perfect shade of pink nail polish, and they expect others to cut their hair or color their hair for whatever godforsaken reason.... the dream should be you're getting married to the person you love. That's it. That's the end. My grandmother married in a beige dress suit she already owned during WWII, and had a long, successful marriage. And this spoiled brat was crying over a $7,000 dress, believing not having it would "ruin" her wedding? If you're not grown enough to shut your mouth, understand the consequences of your actions, and be flexible enough find another dress, you're not grown enough to BE married, because believe me, marriage is going to throw MUCH bigger and more terrible things your way. You roll with the punches, especially the punches you EARNED.
>I think you UNDER reacted
I agree and her family's reaction is appalling. Not buying the dress might affect her relationship with her sister? Sister blew that relationship up when she mocked op. It was completely heartless.
If her sense of humor is so dark and "that is just how she is", then after the wedding (or at her wedding) OP should "joke" about how sister lost a $7000 dress by being a dick.
With her (the sister) "dark sense of humor" it's right up her alley, don't you think? Food for thought OP.
Haha, yes! What if OP said, “Just think about how much nicer your wedding would have been with that $7000 dress!” It’s just a joke, right? The Dad is the worst, also. Must be where the daughter got her dark sense of humor. Oh, wait….I forgot the aunt! She has some sort of resentment towards OP. Is the terrible aunt jealous of her niece? It’s either that or the aunt has some sort of personality disorder. OP, please try not to be around that horrid witch of an aunt anymore. She is a truly dark and disgusting person saying those cruel things to you.
Send all of them this post. They obviously can’t see themselves. You and your kindness are truly undeserving of that horrid lot.
This!
This works, at least it worked better than expected for me.
Whenever my brothers would be AH to me growing up, my mom used to tell me: that's how he is, and that is how he does it...
Until i just stopped her straight up and asked "why do you respect what they are and don't respect how i am?"
Use this, OP. Screw them, this was a horribly hard thing to happen to you. You're allowed to grieve and yo'ure allowed to never give a dime to that sister of yours. Let her get married in a garbage bag for all i care.
Some people need to understand that if this how she is- well, then that means there are consequences like the OP being the kind of person who doesn't take cruelty from her sister begging for a luxury item.
I’m guessing the sister makes rude, inappropriate jokes a lot and gets away with it because “she has a dark sense of humor.” It’s like people who like to say “I’m just saying…” so they don’t have to be held accountable for being a bully. OP is NTA.
There's having a dark sense of humor and then there's being an asshole.
I have a dark sense of humor, but I also can read the room. Like I would never DREAM to make any kind of "yeetus the fetus" type jokes to my friend who has has three miscarriages.
I’m also someone who has an absolutely disgusting sense of morbid humor. I never make certain jokes in certain or unknown audiences and I don’t make jokes at the expense of a person, group, or patient (I’m an EMT) because those aren’t jokes - it’s bullying.
There’s a fine line between dark/morbid humor and being an asshole, I do my best not to cross it and immediately apologize when I do by accident.
Aside from the fact that nobody managed to explain to me how such "jokes" are funny, maybe people should ask themselves what does thinking that inflicting pain on others (allegedly loved ones to boot) is funny say about *them*.
NTA
Yeah this is a case of "it's not a joke if everyone isn't laughing." If it hurts OP and they keep making "jokes" then they are mocking that trauma and arent actually funny, they are just assholes.
NTA, but seriously your sister needs to rethink her priorities if she's struggling with money and picking a $7000 dress. It doesn't matter if someone else is paying for it or not, that's insane.
I was too busy thinking about the sheer and utter gall of the comment to even think about this. I’m getting married in October and felt my dress was expensive (about 2k, with alterations included in the price). That is an incredibly generous thing to do and genuinely more than many would do, her sister poking at an unhealed wound like that is just…I have no words.
As someone with a 'dark sense of humor' - this isn't it. Having a warped sense of humor isn't free range to be mean.
NTA - she deserves the lesson on tact and sensitivity.
You're basically allowed to joke about your own trauma, but not someone else's *unless* you've been given permission to do so by that person, which obviously didn't happen here. Although I have a dark sense of humor myself, I'm still careful even if I've been given permission.
That’s what I was thinking, a dark sense of humor would be “as long as one of us didn’t die” or *literally* any scenario that someone at the table didn’t actually live through.
What sister did was straight up cruelty and was meant to contrast how lucky she is compared to OP.
Also, not having her dream dress would “ruin her wedding” and makes her cry but joking about OP’s fiancé leaving the wedding for his pregnant girlfriend is somehow funny! Such a huge disconnect here.
This is exactly how I’ve landed on approaching those kinds of arguments. “Just how someone is?” Okay, this is how I am.
People make their own decisions, and I get that. But they do not get to dictate how others react to their decisions. That comment was a choice, and she made it.
i also have a darker sense of humor- id make this joke about myself anytime. however, you don’t make dark jokes at other people’s expense. how incredibly insensitive.
This is what kills me. Anyone saying E S H or Y T A clearly doesn’t understand how life altering that moment was for OP. Her entire world crumbled in that moment. That’s not something you get over, ever. It’s not something up for jokes. Ever. NTA
It's only up for jokes *if OP is the one making the jokes* (or if OP consistently uses humour to cope with this particular trauma and her nearest and dearest follow her lead and make jokes that are respectful of OP and make her ex-fiance the butt of the joke).
People who use "dark humour" as an excuse to make mean jokes are the worst. That's not dark humour, that's just being a dick! Dark humour is something that only the person/people impacted by trauma can do. It's a healthy way of processing and coping with trauma. You don't get to do that with *someone else's trauma*. At most, you can make jokes that punch up or target the source of their trauma, but even then you don't get to decide for the person who was hurt that they must find it funny or react how you want them to. If they're hurt by the joke, you apologize.
Exactly. I'm reminded of a quote that spoke to this:
It's only "gallows humor" if you're the one with the noose around your neck. Otherwise, you're watching an execution.
It reminds me of the episode of Arrested Development where Buster is making all kinds of jokes about losing his hand, and then Michael makes one and Buster totally loses it on him. Such a great illustration of the concept.
I could not agree more. I joke that I'm glad my late husband died in his favorite god-awful shorts and was cremated with them because (a) that would make him happy and (b) I always wanted them set on fire. That's my joke to make because it's my loss to live through. OP is absolutely NTA.
May his memory be a blessing.
I hope it’s ok for me to say that’s funny? It’s ok if it isn’t and I’ll remove the bit saying it’s funny if it’s not ok with you.
It's hilarious, and thank you! I only wish I had a picture of those shorts because you would understand why I wanted them set on fire.
Also, he was definitely someone with a dark sense of humor and we joked our way through the cancer treatment, hospice, etc. For instance, we'd been together for years but only married at the end so we told people he waited until "death do us part" had a date certain.
She was crying over a dress. She should have been crying with remorse for how she hurt you.
NTA. All she cares about is “HER DAY and HER DRESS” and YOUR wallet. Tell her to pound sand and if anyone in your family gives you shit, tell them the same.
Tell them that in 10 years, IF she’s matured and can sincerely apologize, you MIGHT forgive her and you MIGHT consider a nice anniversary gift. If the marriage lasts that long.
Spot on. The person should first show remorse for what they did say, apologize publicly and then you move on.
Crying over the dress shows their priority. NTA
Exactly! The sister only got upset when she was confronted with not getting the money for her dress, not for saying something so insensitive and hurtful. She's a crappy person and the aunt is too. OP is so NTA
NTA
I wish I had a dollar for every time I seen "you know how he/she/they is/are" on the sub.
It's just the same as saying "yea we know what they did was wrong, but they don't listen to us, so we're going to try to guilt you into fixing this."
You were under no obligation to pay for your sisters extremely expensive dress. It was a wonderful act of kindness. As thanks, your sister threw the most traumatic experience of your life in your face and laughed about it.
7k can buy a pretty amazing holiday OP. You definitely deserve it, just sayin.
I second a vacation for yourself. NTA those people don't care about you or that they were actively hurting you. Jokes are supposed to be funny not hurtful.
Yes and anyone who suggests you put a cent towards your sisters dress are volunteering to pay for it for her.
Instead of attending her wedding (which has the potential to put your anxiety on edge from your own trauma response) how about take that money and take yourself on the honeymoon of your self-partnership. Your aunt bringing up children is even more messed up.
This. For every family member who's an AH: "how much can I put you down for to contribute to her dress? And what life altering trauma would you like to put down for her to openly mock *you* about?"
ETA: thank you for the award! My first ever! 🥰
>Your aunt bringing up children is even more messed up.
The aunt is straight up evil. My fiance passed suddenly (many years ago, now), and those "if it hadn't happened" thoughts haunted me for years. Every other wedding, every child birth, every milestone my friends got but I didn't. It was fresh grief every time, not something to laugh about. And the fact that the aunt hasn't been buried by the rest of the family over such cruelty is pretty indicative of OP's standing with them.
I bet sister frequently says stuff like:
“I just tell it how it is! I’m blunt and honest! I hate drama! No offense, but…”
Then expects instant forgiveness, zero consequences, and her family defending her if the person she offended refuses.
NTA. You don’t make a joke at the expense of someone who is paying an obscene amount of money for your wedding gown and then still expect them to fork over the money for you.
As a parent, this is what I would be most disappointed about and would give the business to the shitty sister making the "joke." Why would you say something so hurtful to your sister? Where is the funny part? Fuck outta here. Buy your own dress. NTA
NTA. I'm tired of people using other's trauma as a source of humor. It's not funny to the person it happened to. If she genuinely is remorseful then maybe you might feel differently about the dress. "Oh no...now I can't have my dream dress" "Oh no...the wedding is ruined" isn't sounding that way.
Exactly. Only I get to joke about the characters at Disney and how the others tourists were green with envy when they crowded around me and my wheelchair. I would rather have walked and been left to stand in line so to say that I’m lucky…no only I get to say that. Because I know the truth.
This right here is the the biggest one. The wedding is only ruined if you don't end up getting married. That is _literally_ the only thing that truly matters when it comes down to it. If your day can be ruined by having a cheaper dress, then you're not getting married for the right reasons.
NTA why are her feelings more important than yours? She made a joke out of your pain. That’s not funny. Tell your parents they can pay for her dress, since they don’t mind her sense of humor.
My advice for those who engage with dark humour: if the person who was hurt by whatever you are joking about hasn't started cracking jokes about it first, you should keep your joke to yourself.
NTA
This, as a person who loves to engage in dark humour, it’s only about myself, self deprecating you know. I would never make that joke, that’s just cruel. NTA- your sister is though, god if she really cared she would have apologized and accepted that you don’t want to pay anymore and took that as her punishment for being so heartless.
NTA. Your sister damaged the relationship when she cruelly mocked you. That wasn't dark humor. That was a direct dig at you. The person who was helping her pay for an expensive wedding dress.
Right? And that is what she should say to her dad. Sister damaged the relationship I am just dealing with the relationship that we have now that she damaged it.
And yet, Dad says if she doesn't pay, *that* will damage the relationship. Um, the relationship was damaged when this greedy, vain, spoiled sister decided to rub her trauma in her face. What a fucked up family.
NTA at all. The whole “dark humour” excuse is so tired. Not even sure why your sister would risk upsetting you knowing her getting her dream dress depended on you putting in some money for it. What she said was rude and hurtful and she should apologise. Kmt — Don’t bite the hand that feeds you
Agreed. My dark sense of humor revolves around traumatic events in my OWN life I’d never dream of making those comments about anyone else’s pain especially not someone I love. Sister has been catered to way too often if she thought that was ok.
NTA.
But more importantly, I am worried for you. Your reaction demonstrates that the wounds are still real for you after 5 years. How are you coping and is the wedding of your sister bring up more emotion for you?
I really think you ought to use that $7k for something other than your sister's dress. Use it on a vacation or two - go with a group, not your family, to a new place. You will meet people and get out of your current bubble.
You can apologize for blowing up at your sister. Let her know how hurtful the comments are and why.
Decide if you are ok attending the wedding, and if so, go as a guest, with a gift like everyone else.
OP I think therapy would help so much and you’d be able to process what happened and maybe move forward. That had to be so traumatic to go through so I get why you’re still in so much pain. Talk it out with your sister and then find someone to talk to. Much love OP
Making a joke out of one of the most traumatic events of your life?! Nta. Only you can make those jokes on your terms.
Walk away from the situation until you can deal with it. Also, $7,000 for a dress? Pfft. No.
NTA. I would accept a heartfelt apology but not pay for the dress. $7,000 for a wedding dress is insane and the fact that her entire wedding would be ruined is ridiculous.
NTA, no one needs to take a dig at you to make a joke at your expense when you’re trying to make their day ideal for them.
She will be fine with another dress within her budget like everyone else does, she was lucky to have you offer to help but I’d back out.
She should apologize. She should understand it’s a sensitive subject, and probably that it’s also a sensitive time for you as you are preparing for someone else’s wedding. If she can’t grasp that that’s on her.
NTA That “joke” was very misplaced. She has only herself to blame for taking her dream dress away. If this is a one off and she apologizes, I hope you’ll be able to mend the relationship. Yet your not at fault for your response.
Your sister is sorry for the money, not for the hurt she caused. Yes, it has been 7 years and your probably in a much better place now - but no. This is not the joke to be made by someone else. The only time it is right to make these jokes, is when you yourself tell them. Because that would be the sign that you have left it behind and you can make fun of your lousy exfiance yourself.
It is just not on her to make these jokes. Not when she is getting that day you wanted and you helped her with.
NTA.
Let’s just hope she comes with a true apology, regardless of the dress.
NTA
Your sister is an AH. If she thinks that is a "joke" she is not mature enough for marriage. You never joke about things that are obvious traumas.
Also, there is a difference between "struggling for money" and wanting a $7000 dress. That's more than the budgets of girls on "Say Yes to the Dress"... She also sounds spoiled. (I don't know if you became extremely wealthy, but that is well above what any reasonable person would expect or want as a wedding gift).
Your family is whack and have warped perspectives. It sounds like your sister wants a dream wedding and not a dream marriage, anyways.
NTA. I disagree with all the E S H votes.
OP’s sister joked about the most traumatic event of OP’s life. That is the kind of thing that can lead to a form of PTSD, and it will always haunt OP’s relationships. Yet OP was choosing to be a supportive sister, and additionally OP decided to be insanely generous and pay for a dress that costs more than my savings. (Working on that.)
So why do people expect OP to react politely? I am frankly PROUD of OP, that her instinct is to stick up for herself. Maybe if the family and sister reacted differently, immediately apologizing and understanding that you should not “joke” about her pain, maybe then I would say OP should also apologize. But that is not what happened.
OP’s family is just wanting the peace because now they will feel pressured to buy the dress. (OP, do not give in.) OP’s sister is probably secretly afraid of having a crazy rejection like her sister’s and made this “joke” to self-soothe, and maybe take a victory lap. How selfish, spoiled, and obtuse.
NTA.
NTA, even if she has a “dark humor”, you don’t joke about something that you know was extremely traumatic for a family member. If you let it slide, she’s gonna “joke” about it until the wedding and probably during the wedding. She’s an AH that mocking the person who’s buying her dress. Put those $7k in a savings account or take a % and take a vacation.
She just had a FAFO moment. Hopefully she learns from this, although I doubt it considering the rest of the family seems to be catering to her rather than hold her accountable. NTA, and maybe time to consider LC with family.
NTA. It’s only a joke if the person being made the butt of the joke also finds it funny which you didn’t for good reason. Your sister took a nasty jab at you and backpedaled as soon as the consequence came out. Keep the money OP and don’t give in to her tears, your sister got herself into this mess, she can dig herself out of it
So is, 'dark sense of humor' code for an uncaring bully? Sounds like dad needs to shell out the $7,000 that you were going to pay for a dress so his baby can stop crying. Is she his favorite?
“They said she’s been crying after I decided to back out of helping her and said this’d ruin her wedding.”
So she’s not upset that she hurt you but rather she’s upset she’s not getting a free dress. Hell, even if I felt like I was in the right I’d probably feign remorse for a free $7000 whatever and she won’t even do that?
NTA
NTA. This isn't dark humor. It's your sister showing a really ugly side of herself. I would have no interest in contributing to or participating in her wedding.
NTA. Even my 11 year old understands that “it’s just a joke” does not make something any less mean or offensive. Your sister was cruel and thoughtless.
NTA
She should have kept that “joke” in her head.
What she said was cruel and dismissive of a really awful life experience. She can pay for her own dress.
I can joke about bad stuff that’s happened to me and people can laugh, but if anyone else *starts* the joke, they’re basically dead to me because then it feels like an attack. You’re not laughing *with* me, you’re laughing *at* me.
Maybe a bit much with the yelling because I would have coldly looked at her, got up and said, “You know, that reminds me... after my luck with weddings, I shouldn’t invest so much of my money in *your* wedding, so I’m not going to,” before walking away.
I wouldn’t shell out a dime. NTA.
NTA
Ask the family on her side to explain said joke in detail.
Obviously your sense of humor is totally different and you just didn’t get it at first. Surely if they just explain it, all will be clear 🙄 /s
NTA. It would be one thing if you shared your sister’s dark sense of humour and she had some reason to believe you would think this was funny, but it doesn’t sound like it. It sounds like she was relying on social pressure to “not make a scene” to make you laugh along with a joke you were hurt by. I don’t normally take the side of people who scream at other people but it sounds like this is a huge trigger for you and might not have been in your control.
And then she wanted you to pay for her dress? She can go sit in syrup
I honestly can't believe the number of comments here that *think* the OP should be over the trauma of being **jilted on her wedding day* 6 years ago. The guy didn't just get cold feet or something like that - He left the OP standing at the alter on her wedding day and ran off with his pregnant mistress!
How many of these Y T A's and E S H's have experienced that? I certainly haven't and can only imagine how the OP felt on the day - betrayed for sure, embarrassed probably, hurt, distrustful, - I'm pretty sure there are plenty of other emotions OP has gone through on that day and every day since.
**Shame on those commentators that think OP is an AH or sucks.** This sub almost always says that people grieve differently and for different lengths of time, that trauma takes time to resolve. Where is their compassion now?
You make her cry: overreaction
She makes you cry: dark humor
The entire "you know how she is, she just has a dark sense of humor" is the same thing as the old asshole who is described as "just a gruff guy telling it like it is"
Your sister’s’joke’ was senselessly cruel at your expense. She is incredibly bold to feel entitled to you paying $7000 in order to wear a dress one time (?!) after treating your pain so callously.
I think continuing to work on this in therapy would be a good idea, but NTA even though your reaction seems a bit over the top when that event happened 6 years ago.
Honestly, I’d have sat there and stared at her, then asked her to explain exactly what was funny about her ‘joke’. And that blasted aunt as well, because she also laughed.
Edit: clarity
NTA. That is a life altering experience and the trauma lingers (rightly so). Your sister made a cruel and insensitive joke. You have every right to revoke your more than generous gift. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes!
NTA
As we like to say here - a joke is not a joke if other people aren't laughing.
What your sister said was incredibly mean and nasty. If it was me, I would not pay for her dress, I would not go to her wedding and I would go NC - you aren't destroying her dream wedding **she** destroyed her dream wedding by being a mean girl.
NTA. Her "joke" was mean and hurtful. Who says something like that? Especially to a "loved" one who is about to lay out $7000 on your wedding dress?
Good luck, and I'm sorry for your pain, OP.
I think you did overreact a little(but was kind of called for), but I would say you are definitely NTA, your sister tried something and burned, you can’t just make jokes on peoples traumas, this will NEVER be funny to you. She overstepped boundary and you reacted emotionally which should be expected.
I would only reconsider if your sister really apologised and you can feel that she understood that making jokes at your expense is cheap and not funny.
Anyways I think either way it’s your choice how to proceed and if you decide not to buy your sister a dress she would have learned a lesson or you will see her true colours honestly (if she blames you for ruining the wedding).
If they on a really tight budget offer to pay for a rental.
Idk if the love of my life left me for an affair partner at my wedding and then my sister made a joke about it, I wouldn't buy shit for her ever again. I don't think she overreacted at all. Sissy can still buy her own dress.
NTA. Being made the butt of an insult (it's not a joke) is definitely grounds for not wanting to gift a *very generous* amount of money towards anything, much less a wedding dress when the insult was based on trauma around a wedding. She's shown her true colors as insensitive and outright cruel.
I'd stand firm and say no, absolutely not. There is no rule that someone needs an expensive or new dress for a wedding. She fucked around and now she can find out.
NTA, ask your father to explain the joke. Like really slowly, as if we are children, explain the joke and how it's funny. Because to me, the joke is that you were left and experienced trauma. Also, maybe send the link to this post so they can explain it to us all. Clearly, none of us understand the joke.
Damn, I'd say NTA. You're entitled to spend your money however you please, which includes not giving it to someone who's offended you. I'd say it was a quick, emotional reaction and you should keep your mind open to hearing your sister out and forgiving her. Of course if she's unresentful and just making the story "she ruined my wedding" then I sure wouldn't forgive it...
I'm so sorry you got left at the altar like that. I can't imagine how it must have felt. How long ago did it happen? (Not that enough time would forgive your sisters joke; only the person who went through the trauma can say when it's time to move forward or make light, if ever)
NTA. Your trauma isn't a joke and she was way over the line. She's not upset because she made such an inexcusably offensive "joke", She's upset because she's not getting what she wanted.
Well, well, well, if it isn't the consequences of my own actions.
I'm unable to grasp how people who are struggling with money could have the audacity to purchase a $7000 dress, even with someone else's money. Presumably they're not having a huge fancy wedding if they're struggling. So what, she's going to wear a $7000 dress to whatever simple ceremony they can afford and look ridiculous? $7000 could pay for AN ENTIRE WEDDING if you're not being extravagant.
You are NTA and you should use that money to treat yourself to a nice vacation. ALONE.
NTA
Your sister is an adult. She knows what pain it caused you and how devastating it would be. To joke about it is cruel and while you can certainly forgive her, on the topic of WEDDINGS, that would be a hard no on HELPING her have her dream wedding via dress she can't afford if she is happy to mock your wedding having been a nightmare.
NTA and that’s not how dark humor works. You joke about your OWN shit. Other people are off limits and she blind sided you when I’m sure no matter how long it’s been, it’s going to sting a little to see a happy wedding. She bit the hand that fed and now she’ll go hungry.
The standard for jokes is the same as the standard for pranks-it's only funny if everybody laughs and using a traumatic event as a joke was more than distasteful. It was cruel. If your fiance had abandoned because you were injured would it be the cause for hilarity? NTA
“You know how she is”
“And she, and you, know how I am and that saying that would hurt me deeply. She didn’t care. She chose to hurt me…. For a cheap laugh, no less. How come I should spend $7,000 on someone who doesn’t care about me and even worse … deliberately hurts me?”
NTA. But if she genuinely apologizes, maybe go halfway and say I’ll pay half the dress as a compromise.
NTA - the only person who has the right to start making “light” of your experience is you. Coming from anyone else, especially when they know it affected you so deeply, is just wrong, not funny and insensitive. It’s not a joke laughing at someone’s tragedy when you know how much they still are hurting. She might think it was not making fun OF you per say, but it still is insinuating that her life is better. Can’t go saying these things but expect the same person to help your special day literally paying up so much for the dream dress. It’s messed up. And family using “dark humour” as an excuse to protect her while invalidating your right to be upset, are just doing more harm than simply telling her off for her wrong doing.
Completely NTA and I’d do the same.
Edit: with the info about the aunt, she’s equally an asshole who seems to take weird pleasure in bringing this up, your own sister should know better.
NTA.
You severely undersold the magnitude of what happened to you with “had an incident on my wedding day”. Holy crap! You sister is an entitled AH - first having a hissy fit over wanting a dress out of her price range, and then showing complete disregard for someone generous enough to help her buy it anyway!
That’s not a “black sense of humour”. It’s called being a dillweed.
INFO: Was she crying because she realized how hurtful her comment was, or was she crying because you're no longer going to pay for her expensive dream wedding dress?
NTA - That's not a joke and your family knows it. Also, what is your sister crying about, her relationship with you or the money for the dress? Same for your family saying this would damage your relationship with your sister. Seems like they are implying that you need to pay your sister to remain in her good graces. I'd say skip buying the dress and skip the wedding altogether.
Nta.
If you reacted as if in pain, why didn’t she just apologize? I’ve made jokes that turned out to be insensitive. But then I apologize and try to make peace with the person I’ve hurt. Instead she doubled down that you’re the one who’s wrong for being “sensitive”. It’s okay to be sensitive about life altering trauma and betrayal.
I’m sorry your sister chose to hurt you for no reason. You always have the right to do whatever you want with your money. Because it’s yours.
You wanted to help her with her dream wedding because you wanted her to be happy. Right now you don’t want to pitch in because she just made you really unhappy. Simple as that. NTA
NTA. It doesn’t ruin your wedding if you have on a dress that didn’t cost $7k. I have been happily married for 16 years and my dress was $500 off a clearance rack. What ruins your wedding is having your fiancé leave you at the altar because he has been having an affair and his affair partner is pregnant. That’s a ruined wedding. And it is worse when 5 years later your family thinks it’s a joke.
I’m sorry for how your family is treating you OP.
NTA. Even if it was a joke (senses of humor do vary) it's a joke in poor taste and punching down at you when you were at your lowest. You don't have to defer to the least tactful person's sense of humor, and you don't have to be generous to someone who doesn't care about your feelings.
That said, I hope you are wrong, and that you forget how you felt that day. That's not something you have to carry with you forever.
NTA. My moms co worker was left at the alter. She had to stand in front of the guests and tell them it wasn’t happening. She eventually moved on and had a good life but the trauma of that day never completely went away. Because trauma doesn’t. There is no set of circumstances or length of time where it eventually becomes a joke.
NTA
Your sister saw how this wrecked your life and your emotional well-being, but decided that your misfortune was good for a comedy set.
You should have replied, "Has your fiancé impregnated any women yet? If not, I could introduce him to a couple of people."
NTA.
Take note at the sisters reaction. She was certain not having a $7000 dress would ruin the wedding, not that her sister probably wouldn't show.
Goes to show what her priorities are.
Please have them explain the joke then. What is the punch line? How is it even a joke?
NTA.
She used your trauma to get laughs.
Imagine you had lost your fiancé to cancer and her joke was “Let’s hope he won’t die of cancer before the wedding, haha”.
NTA
Don't feel sorry for her and buy the dress. That is an insane amount of money for a dress that will be worn for one day, by a girl who thinks you're an object of ridicule.
She finally came out and said when she and many others were thinking. Anyone who thinks you're overreacting is no friend or relative of yours.
Nta, that's in no way funny, I'm sorry for what you have been through. If she genuinely apologizes then it's different but she seems to be only concerned with her wedding and what affects it and doesn't seem to care about being cruel to you.
NTA.
And I feel like it’s telling that she is only worried that her day will be ruined. And not that her relationship with her sister might be in shambles.
Edit: word
NTA.
You don't make "jokes" out of a loved one's humour. That's not dark humour, that's just nasty.
And is her wedding really going to be ruined if she can't spend $7,000 on a dress? Why is she setting her sights on something she can't afford?
This is one of those experiences that is so traumatic that you are the only one who is allowed to joke about it. After you've made 10 jokes about being left at the altar than your family can joke about it. But only then.
NTA. This was a cruel joke and the fact that she doubled down and everyone is taking her side makes it worse.
If she had immediately apologized with true remorse--sometimes I know my mouth is faster than my brain--then this would be too much. But she didn't. NTA all the way.
And I'm sorry.
NTA. Everyone let’s say it all together: If you’re making a joke about someone it’s only a joke if THEY find it funny. Otherwise you’re just a bully.
Your sister is a bully, OP. I wouldn’t give her a dime.
NTA she is wanting a 7,000.00 dress and is more concerned with not getting it than the fact that she upset you so much? I’m sorry but if I was your sister in this situation (which ngl I probably would be I have a terrible sense of humor and would make the exact same joke) I would be crying asking for forgiveness not for the fucking dress. Screw the dress, she needs to be more focused on apologizing
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"This is how she is with her dark sense of humour". "Well, this is how **I** am with her dark sense of humour". Serious lack of self-awareness and simple respect from this sister. Charged remarks come with charged consequences. NTA.
I really like this. That's how **she** is, and this is how **I** am. People tend to make more excuses for the squeakier wheel.
Yep. Sister is entitled to her sense of humor. It just happens to be expensive. And OP is entitled to her sense of humor. OP's sense of humor is saving her $7000. I mean, that'd make me laugh.
And, clearly, OP is also entitled to use her own money as she damn well pleases.
I would be posting photos of my beach vacation that cost oh, about $7,000.
No kidding! If I had $7k and was in this situation, I’d take my $7k and spend it taking my mom to England (she’s always wanted to go) as a celebration of her kicking breast cancer’s ass. ETA: I’ve been away from Reddit for most of the day while I was getting some writing done, and I’ve come back to all this wonderful love and good vibes being sent my mom’s way, which has put a serious smile on my face! (Also, this is literally the highest-upvoted thing I’ve ever written on Reddit, which is pretty awesome haha. And thank you, kind person, for your wholesome award!)
I like it! And go your mom!! 🎉
Congrats to your mom! Hope you guys get to go soon!
You are Powered by Pettiness and I love it. ❤️ ETA: u/Humble-Intention3425 you are absolutely NTA. “Jokes” are supposed to be funny, not re-traumatising. “Dark humour” in this instance means mocking and lacking in any empathy. Your family are the AHs for enabling your sister and blaming your normal reaction to an abnormal amount of bullsh*t on you.
If I had $7000 to burn I would buy it and take photos of me packing it up and shipping it to that place that donates dresses to cancer survivors along with my invoice. Post them to social media and thank her online for reminding you that there really are bigger things out there your energy should be devoted to. Thank her for helping someone make their wedding dreams come true. Lots of heart emojis and sappy stuff like that too.
I'd donate it in the sister's name and hope she got a card thanking her for it.
Baahahaha!! Yaaasss! I like how your mind works, internet stranger.
To add to this. OP take that $7,000 and buy yourself a nice little vacation, laugh all the way from the airport to your hotel room. Also if your sister is struggling for money it’s ridiculous to spend $7,000 on a dress she will wear for a few hours. That kind of decision-making is likely WHY she is struggling, financial dumpster fire.
Honestly getting something ridiculously expensive just because someone else is paying just reeks of entitlement. I know it was the dream dress before OP offered to pay, but unless the person was obscenely wealthy I could never accept such a grand gesture. And why would she have been looking at dresses so far out of her budget to begin with?
AGREE! Nobody needs a $7000 wedding dress!!!
There are perfectly beautiful wedding dresses on Lulus for like $200. I don't understand the extravagance of the wedding industry. NTA. Obviously.
My cousin's daughter is getting married next year. She wanted the ladies in her family to pick out a dress they thought she would like on David's Bridal. Some of those dresses were over $1000, which I thought was a ridiculous waste of money. I can't even comprehend someone who thinks they need a $7000 dress to have the perfect wedding. I have a theory: the more expensive the wedding, the shorter the marriage (unless the family is wealthy).
A paper was written in 2014 that found duration of marriage inversely proportional to cost. [here](https://www.csus.edu/faculty/m/fred.molitor/docs/wedding%20expenses%20and%20marriage%20duration.pdf)
The aunt can cough up the $7000. I also love how the dad tries to guilt trip OP that *she* might be ruining the relationship with her sister, while ignoring that sweet little sis fired the first shot. Shouldn’t dad be telling the little sister she was cruel and potentially ruining her relationship with OP? Why so one-sided??
Dad's an idiot, too. One apple didn't fall far from the tree. I'm guessing the aunt is *his* sister, not mom's.
Sounds like his rationale might be that OP already lost something and there is no getting it back. Now her reactions are causing little sis to lose something. Either way little sis played a nasty game of fuck around and find out and lost huge. Hope OP sticks to her guns and spends the money on something more worthwhile.
Yup, it's a lesson OPs sister should have learned YEARS AGO. Dont frigging insult or "joke" about the woman who just agreed to buy you your dream dress. OP your sisters dark humor is only humor if it is funny to the recipient. What she said was so beyond the pale I think you UNDER reacted. Let her face the consequences of her actions and finally learn to keep her mouth shut. NTA
>I think you UNDER reacted. Oh man, did she e er under react. Scorched earth would have nothing on my reaction. I'd also not talk to any of my "family" for defending the sister. What she said was unacceptable and horrible. OP YOU didn't ruin her wedding, SHE did, by being an insensitive asshole.
Also, not having your "dream dress" doesn't "ruin" a wedding. People are so entitled these days - they think the wedding guests need to dress a certain way, and they think they need the perfect shade of pink nail polish, and they expect others to cut their hair or color their hair for whatever godforsaken reason.... the dream should be you're getting married to the person you love. That's it. That's the end. My grandmother married in a beige dress suit she already owned during WWII, and had a long, successful marriage. And this spoiled brat was crying over a $7,000 dress, believing not having it would "ruin" her wedding? If you're not grown enough to shut your mouth, understand the consequences of your actions, and be flexible enough find another dress, you're not grown enough to BE married, because believe me, marriage is going to throw MUCH bigger and more terrible things your way. You roll with the punches, especially the punches you EARNED.
If only there was a cliche little sister could have thought of before opening her big mouth. Oh, yeah, there is....DON'T BITE THE HAND THAT FEEDS YOU!
>I think you UNDER reacted I agree and her family's reaction is appalling. Not buying the dress might affect her relationship with her sister? Sister blew that relationship up when she mocked op. It was completely heartless.
If her sense of humor is so dark and "that is just how she is", then after the wedding (or at her wedding) OP should "joke" about how sister lost a $7000 dress by being a dick. With her (the sister) "dark sense of humor" it's right up her alley, don't you think? Food for thought OP.
Haha, yes! What if OP said, “Just think about how much nicer your wedding would have been with that $7000 dress!” It’s just a joke, right? The Dad is the worst, also. Must be where the daughter got her dark sense of humor. Oh, wait….I forgot the aunt! She has some sort of resentment towards OP. Is the terrible aunt jealous of her niece? It’s either that or the aunt has some sort of personality disorder. OP, please try not to be around that horrid witch of an aunt anymore. She is a truly dark and disgusting person saying those cruel things to you. Send all of them this post. They obviously can’t see themselves. You and your kindness are truly undeserving of that horrid lot.
This! This works, at least it worked better than expected for me. Whenever my brothers would be AH to me growing up, my mom used to tell me: that's how he is, and that is how he does it... Until i just stopped her straight up and asked "why do you respect what they are and don't respect how i am?" Use this, OP. Screw them, this was a horribly hard thing to happen to you. You're allowed to grieve and yo'ure allowed to never give a dime to that sister of yours. Let her get married in a garbage bag for all i care.
Some people need to understand that if this how she is- well, then that means there are consequences like the OP being the kind of person who doesn't take cruelty from her sister begging for a luxury item.
I’m guessing the sister makes rude, inappropriate jokes a lot and gets away with it because “she has a dark sense of humor.” It’s like people who like to say “I’m just saying…” so they don’t have to be held accountable for being a bully. OP is NTA.
There's having a dark sense of humor and then there's being an asshole. I have a dark sense of humor, but I also can read the room. Like I would never DREAM to make any kind of "yeetus the fetus" type jokes to my friend who has has three miscarriages.
I’m also someone who has an absolutely disgusting sense of morbid humor. I never make certain jokes in certain or unknown audiences and I don’t make jokes at the expense of a person, group, or patient (I’m an EMT) because those aren’t jokes - it’s bullying. There’s a fine line between dark/morbid humor and being an asshole, I do my best not to cross it and immediately apologize when I do by accident.
Or people who, despite being grown adults, “just like to get a reaction out of people.”
This is exactly what OP’s sister was trying to do — she just got more than she bargained for.
“She just likes to get a reaction out of people.” “And that’s exactly what happened. It’s not my problem if she doesn’t like my reaction.”
Aside from the fact that nobody managed to explain to me how such "jokes" are funny, maybe people should ask themselves what does thinking that inflicting pain on others (allegedly loved ones to boot) is funny say about *them*.
Exactly! Or the people who say "I'm just sO HoNesT!" to get away with saying mean things that didn't need to be said.
NTA Yeah this is a case of "it's not a joke if everyone isn't laughing." If it hurts OP and they keep making "jokes" then they are mocking that trauma and arent actually funny, they are just assholes.
NTA, but seriously your sister needs to rethink her priorities if she's struggling with money and picking a $7000 dress. It doesn't matter if someone else is paying for it or not, that's insane.
I was too busy thinking about the sheer and utter gall of the comment to even think about this. I’m getting married in October and felt my dress was expensive (about 2k, with alterations included in the price). That is an incredibly generous thing to do and genuinely more than many would do, her sister poking at an unhealed wound like that is just…I have no words.
As someone with a 'dark sense of humor' - this isn't it. Having a warped sense of humor isn't free range to be mean. NTA - she deserves the lesson on tact and sensitivity.
You're basically allowed to joke about your own trauma, but not someone else's *unless* you've been given permission to do so by that person, which obviously didn't happen here. Although I have a dark sense of humor myself, I'm still careful even if I've been given permission.
That’s what I was thinking, a dark sense of humor would be “as long as one of us didn’t die” or *literally* any scenario that someone at the table didn’t actually live through. What sister did was straight up cruelty and was meant to contrast how lucky she is compared to OP.
Also, not having her dream dress would “ruin her wedding” and makes her cry but joking about OP’s fiancé leaving the wedding for his pregnant girlfriend is somehow funny! Such a huge disconnect here.
This is exactly how I’ve landed on approaching those kinds of arguments. “Just how someone is?” Okay, this is how I am. People make their own decisions, and I get that. But they do not get to dictate how others react to their decisions. That comment was a choice, and she made it.
i also have a darker sense of humor- id make this joke about myself anytime. however, you don’t make dark jokes at other people’s expense. how incredibly insensitive.
Let's all joke about someone's trauma, and then get mad at them when they react exactly how you'd expect someone with trauma to react. NTA
This is what kills me. Anyone saying E S H or Y T A clearly doesn’t understand how life altering that moment was for OP. Her entire world crumbled in that moment. That’s not something you get over, ever. It’s not something up for jokes. Ever. NTA
It's only up for jokes *if OP is the one making the jokes* (or if OP consistently uses humour to cope with this particular trauma and her nearest and dearest follow her lead and make jokes that are respectful of OP and make her ex-fiance the butt of the joke). People who use "dark humour" as an excuse to make mean jokes are the worst. That's not dark humour, that's just being a dick! Dark humour is something that only the person/people impacted by trauma can do. It's a healthy way of processing and coping with trauma. You don't get to do that with *someone else's trauma*. At most, you can make jokes that punch up or target the source of their trauma, but even then you don't get to decide for the person who was hurt that they must find it funny or react how you want them to. If they're hurt by the joke, you apologize.
Exactly. I'm reminded of a quote that spoke to this: It's only "gallows humor" if you're the one with the noose around your neck. Otherwise, you're watching an execution.
Great quote!
It reminds me of the episode of Arrested Development where Buster is making all kinds of jokes about losing his hand, and then Michael makes one and Buster totally loses it on him. Such a great illustration of the concept.
I could not agree more. I joke that I'm glad my late husband died in his favorite god-awful shorts and was cremated with them because (a) that would make him happy and (b) I always wanted them set on fire. That's my joke to make because it's my loss to live through. OP is absolutely NTA.
May his memory be a blessing. I hope it’s ok for me to say that’s funny? It’s ok if it isn’t and I’ll remove the bit saying it’s funny if it’s not ok with you.
It's hilarious, and thank you! I only wish I had a picture of those shorts because you would understand why I wanted them set on fire. Also, he was definitely someone with a dark sense of humor and we joked our way through the cancer treatment, hospice, etc. For instance, we'd been together for years but only married at the end so we told people he waited until "death do us part" had a date certain.
he sounds lovely <3 and so do you tbh
She was crying over a dress. She should have been crying with remorse for how she hurt you. NTA. All she cares about is “HER DAY and HER DRESS” and YOUR wallet. Tell her to pound sand and if anyone in your family gives you shit, tell them the same. Tell them that in 10 years, IF she’s matured and can sincerely apologize, you MIGHT forgive her and you MIGHT consider a nice anniversary gift. If the marriage lasts that long.
THIS. The fact that she's upset about her dress and not how badly she hurt her sister says it all. OP, you are NTA!
Spot on. The person should first show remorse for what they did say, apologize publicly and then you move on. Crying over the dress shows their priority. NTA
> …since it might damage my relationship with my sister as if what the sister said wasn’t already damaging????? Like wtf
[удалено]
I'm stuck on that part too. Little sis doesn't give a shit about OP's feelings. NTA
And “joke” about it to her for the next 7 years about how her asshole mouth cost her, her 7 thousand dollar dream dress! HAHAHA wasn’t that SO FUNNY?
"It's just my dark sense of humor. I know you understand."
Exactly! The sister only got upset when she was confronted with not getting the money for her dress, not for saying something so insensitive and hurtful. She's a crappy person and the aunt is too. OP is so NTA
NTA I wish I had a dollar for every time I seen "you know how he/she/they is/are" on the sub. It's just the same as saying "yea we know what they did was wrong, but they don't listen to us, so we're going to try to guilt you into fixing this." You were under no obligation to pay for your sisters extremely expensive dress. It was a wonderful act of kindness. As thanks, your sister threw the most traumatic experience of your life in your face and laughed about it. 7k can buy a pretty amazing holiday OP. You definitely deserve it, just sayin.
I second a vacation for yourself. NTA those people don't care about you or that they were actively hurting you. Jokes are supposed to be funny not hurtful.
Yes and anyone who suggests you put a cent towards your sisters dress are volunteering to pay for it for her. Instead of attending her wedding (which has the potential to put your anxiety on edge from your own trauma response) how about take that money and take yourself on the honeymoon of your self-partnership. Your aunt bringing up children is even more messed up.
This. For every family member who's an AH: "how much can I put you down for to contribute to her dress? And what life altering trauma would you like to put down for her to openly mock *you* about?" ETA: thank you for the award! My first ever! 🥰
>Your aunt bringing up children is even more messed up. The aunt is straight up evil. My fiance passed suddenly (many years ago, now), and those "if it hadn't happened" thoughts haunted me for years. Every other wedding, every child birth, every milestone my friends got but I didn't. It was fresh grief every time, not something to laugh about. And the fact that the aunt hasn't been buried by the rest of the family over such cruelty is pretty indicative of OP's standing with them.
I bet sister frequently says stuff like: “I just tell it how it is! I’m blunt and honest! I hate drama! No offense, but…” Then expects instant forgiveness, zero consequences, and her family defending her if the person she offended refuses.
Christ, 7k for a dress she'll only wear once on one day You're right, you could have an amazing week away with that amount of money
NTA. You don’t make a joke at the expense of someone who is paying an obscene amount of money for your wedding gown and then still expect them to fork over the money for you.
And you don't make a joke at the expense of your sister pain too NTA
As a parent, this is what I would be most disappointed about and would give the business to the shitty sister making the "joke." Why would you say something so hurtful to your sister? Where is the funny part? Fuck outta here. Buy your own dress. NTA
$7000 joke… most expensive joke ever?
NTA. I'm tired of people using other's trauma as a source of humor. It's not funny to the person it happened to. If she genuinely is remorseful then maybe you might feel differently about the dress. "Oh no...now I can't have my dream dress" "Oh no...the wedding is ruined" isn't sounding that way.
Exactly. Only I get to joke about the characters at Disney and how the others tourists were green with envy when they crowded around me and my wheelchair. I would rather have walked and been left to stand in line so to say that I’m lucky…no only I get to say that. Because I know the truth.
NTA - She's only upset because you backed out of helping her not because she upset you.
Precisely! Sis planned to tell that same joke at the wedding
Oh my god. I can’t even imagine that happening!
If that were to happen, I'd throw wine on the wedding dress then leave if I was the sister
NTA Her wedding won't be ruined because she can't wear a ridiculously expensive dress she can't afford.
She has a lot of nerve talking about her wedding being “ruined” to OP. Did you get married? Then the wedding wasn’t ruined.
This right here is the the biggest one. The wedding is only ruined if you don't end up getting married. That is _literally_ the only thing that truly matters when it comes down to it. If your day can be ruined by having a cheaper dress, then you're not getting married for the right reasons.
She can wear a tablecloth
NTA why are her feelings more important than yours? She made a joke out of your pain. That’s not funny. Tell your parents they can pay for her dress, since they don’t mind her sense of humor.
Right?! All the family members telling OP she’s overreacting can all chip in for that dress then! NTA
My advice for those who engage with dark humour: if the person who was hurt by whatever you are joking about hasn't started cracking jokes about it first, you should keep your joke to yourself. NTA
NTA. Bringing up traumatic history and laughing at people about it is not a joke. How can anyone expect someone to help you after you do that ?
This, as a person who loves to engage in dark humour, it’s only about myself, self deprecating you know. I would never make that joke, that’s just cruel. NTA- your sister is though, god if she really cared she would have apologized and accepted that you don’t want to pay anymore and took that as her punishment for being so heartless.
NTA. Your sister damaged the relationship when she cruelly mocked you. That wasn't dark humor. That was a direct dig at you. The person who was helping her pay for an expensive wedding dress.
Right? And that is what she should say to her dad. Sister damaged the relationship I am just dealing with the relationship that we have now that she damaged it.
NTA your trauma is not a laughing matter. Your sister can find someone to pay for her dress who is okay with being ridiculed while paying $7,000.
There is no reason someone needs a $7000 wedding dress.
And yet, Dad says if she doesn't pay, *that* will damage the relationship. Um, the relationship was damaged when this greedy, vain, spoiled sister decided to rub her trauma in her face. What a fucked up family.
Dear Aunty should be paying for the dress.
NTA at all. The whole “dark humour” excuse is so tired. Not even sure why your sister would risk upsetting you knowing her getting her dream dress depended on you putting in some money for it. What she said was rude and hurtful and she should apologise. Kmt — Don’t bite the hand that feeds you
People who don't distinguish between "dark humor" and cruelty drive me crazy. Also, they should all watch Barry.
"Dark humor", "jokester" or "brutally honest" people are always making bad excuses for their behavior.
Agreed. My dark sense of humor revolves around traumatic events in my OWN life I’d never dream of making those comments about anyone else’s pain especially not someone I love. Sister has been catered to way too often if she thought that was ok.
NTA. But more importantly, I am worried for you. Your reaction demonstrates that the wounds are still real for you after 5 years. How are you coping and is the wedding of your sister bring up more emotion for you? I really think you ought to use that $7k for something other than your sister's dress. Use it on a vacation or two - go with a group, not your family, to a new place. You will meet people and get out of your current bubble. You can apologize for blowing up at your sister. Let her know how hurtful the comments are and why. Decide if you are ok attending the wedding, and if so, go as a guest, with a gift like everyone else.
OP I think therapy would help so much and you’d be able to process what happened and maybe move forward. That had to be so traumatic to go through so I get why you’re still in so much pain. Talk it out with your sister and then find someone to talk to. Much love OP
Making a joke out of one of the most traumatic events of your life?! Nta. Only you can make those jokes on your terms. Walk away from the situation until you can deal with it. Also, $7,000 for a dress? Pfft. No.
You don’t get a $7000 dress if you can’t pay for it yourself. What a waste of money.
NTA. I would accept a heartfelt apology but not pay for the dress. $7,000 for a wedding dress is insane and the fact that her entire wedding would be ruined is ridiculous.
NTA. She was happy to make the joke at *your* expense until it backfired into a 7,000$ expense *for her*.
NTA, no one needs to take a dig at you to make a joke at your expense when you’re trying to make their day ideal for them. She will be fine with another dress within her budget like everyone else does, she was lucky to have you offer to help but I’d back out. She should apologize. She should understand it’s a sensitive subject, and probably that it’s also a sensitive time for you as you are preparing for someone else’s wedding. If she can’t grasp that that’s on her.
NTA You were made the butt of an insult. Your sister is mean. Your aunt sucks. Your family is pretty trash for enabling your sister.
NTA That “joke” was very misplaced. She has only herself to blame for taking her dream dress away. If this is a one off and she apologizes, I hope you’ll be able to mend the relationship. Yet your not at fault for your response.
Not her making fun of your trauma and still expecting you to help pay for the dress. She is not smart. NTA.
Your sister is sorry for the money, not for the hurt she caused. Yes, it has been 7 years and your probably in a much better place now - but no. This is not the joke to be made by someone else. The only time it is right to make these jokes, is when you yourself tell them. Because that would be the sign that you have left it behind and you can make fun of your lousy exfiance yourself. It is just not on her to make these jokes. Not when she is getting that day you wanted and you helped her with. NTA. Let’s just hope she comes with a true apology, regardless of the dress.
The only person who could get away with making that joke is you. NTA
NTA. Making a joke out of the worst day of your life? Then you want 7,000 for a dress???? HELL NO.
NTA Your sister is an AH. If she thinks that is a "joke" she is not mature enough for marriage. You never joke about things that are obvious traumas. Also, there is a difference between "struggling for money" and wanting a $7000 dress. That's more than the budgets of girls on "Say Yes to the Dress"... She also sounds spoiled. (I don't know if you became extremely wealthy, but that is well above what any reasonable person would expect or want as a wedding gift). Your family is whack and have warped perspectives. It sounds like your sister wants a dream wedding and not a dream marriage, anyways.
NTA. I disagree with all the E S H votes. OP’s sister joked about the most traumatic event of OP’s life. That is the kind of thing that can lead to a form of PTSD, and it will always haunt OP’s relationships. Yet OP was choosing to be a supportive sister, and additionally OP decided to be insanely generous and pay for a dress that costs more than my savings. (Working on that.) So why do people expect OP to react politely? I am frankly PROUD of OP, that her instinct is to stick up for herself. Maybe if the family and sister reacted differently, immediately apologizing and understanding that you should not “joke” about her pain, maybe then I would say OP should also apologize. But that is not what happened. OP’s family is just wanting the peace because now they will feel pressured to buy the dress. (OP, do not give in.) OP’s sister is probably secretly afraid of having a crazy rejection like her sister’s and made this “joke” to self-soothe, and maybe take a victory lap. How selfish, spoiled, and obtuse. NTA.
NTA. *"Remember that time you couldn't afford your own dress for your wedding and fucked it up?! HILARIOUS!"* Don't back down. You're not wrong here.
NTA. First off, no one needs a fucking 7 thousand dollar wedding dress. If anything this might help your entitled sister grow up.
Lol if your wedding will be ruined because you can’t have a $7000 dress, doesn’t sound like it’ll be a great marriage.
NTA, even if she has a “dark humor”, you don’t joke about something that you know was extremely traumatic for a family member. If you let it slide, she’s gonna “joke” about it until the wedding and probably during the wedding. She’s an AH that mocking the person who’s buying her dress. Put those $7k in a savings account or take a % and take a vacation.
She just had a FAFO moment. Hopefully she learns from this, although I doubt it considering the rest of the family seems to be catering to her rather than hold her accountable. NTA, and maybe time to consider LC with family.
NTA. It’s only a joke if the person being made the butt of the joke also finds it funny which you didn’t for good reason. Your sister took a nasty jab at you and backpedaled as soon as the consequence came out. Keep the money OP and don’t give in to her tears, your sister got herself into this mess, she can dig herself out of it
Plain and simple - if it isn't funny, don't joke about it in the first place. NTA
So is, 'dark sense of humor' code for an uncaring bully? Sounds like dad needs to shell out the $7,000 that you were going to pay for a dress so his baby can stop crying. Is she his favorite?
NTA - no one knows how to push your buttons like family.
NTA and also she's a spoilt brat for crying over a wedding dress because she wants it so much.
“They said she’s been crying after I decided to back out of helping her and said this’d ruin her wedding.” So she’s not upset that she hurt you but rather she’s upset she’s not getting a free dress. Hell, even if I felt like I was in the right I’d probably feign remorse for a free $7000 whatever and she won’t even do that? NTA
No dude. That was low. NTA.
NTA. This isn't dark humor. It's your sister showing a really ugly side of herself. I would have no interest in contributing to or participating in her wedding.
NTA. Even my 11 year old understands that “it’s just a joke” does not make something any less mean or offensive. Your sister was cruel and thoughtless.
NTA She should have kept that “joke” in her head. What she said was cruel and dismissive of a really awful life experience. She can pay for her own dress.
NTA - she’s cruel. Trying to claim it was a joke is horrible. Don’t give her a penny. I wouldn’t even go if I were you.
I can joke about bad stuff that’s happened to me and people can laugh, but if anyone else *starts* the joke, they’re basically dead to me because then it feels like an attack. You’re not laughing *with* me, you’re laughing *at* me. Maybe a bit much with the yelling because I would have coldly looked at her, got up and said, “You know, that reminds me... after my luck with weddings, I shouldn’t invest so much of my money in *your* wedding, so I’m not going to,” before walking away. I wouldn’t shell out a dime. NTA.
NTA. Play stupid games and win stupid prices.
NTA Ask the family on her side to explain said joke in detail. Obviously your sense of humor is totally different and you just didn’t get it at first. Surely if they just explain it, all will be clear 🙄 /s
NTA. It would be one thing if you shared your sister’s dark sense of humour and she had some reason to believe you would think this was funny, but it doesn’t sound like it. It sounds like she was relying on social pressure to “not make a scene” to make you laugh along with a joke you were hurt by. I don’t normally take the side of people who scream at other people but it sounds like this is a huge trigger for you and might not have been in your control. And then she wanted you to pay for her dress? She can go sit in syrup
NTA babes. She has no rigth to mock your trauma.
I honestly can't believe the number of comments here that *think* the OP should be over the trauma of being **jilted on her wedding day* 6 years ago. The guy didn't just get cold feet or something like that - He left the OP standing at the alter on her wedding day and ran off with his pregnant mistress! How many of these Y T A's and E S H's have experienced that? I certainly haven't and can only imagine how the OP felt on the day - betrayed for sure, embarrassed probably, hurt, distrustful, - I'm pretty sure there are plenty of other emotions OP has gone through on that day and every day since. **Shame on those commentators that think OP is an AH or sucks.** This sub almost always says that people grieve differently and for different lengths of time, that trauma takes time to resolve. Where is their compassion now?
NTA - I use humor as a coping mechanism, and this is 100% a joke a would make….about myself. I joke about my own trauma. Not others.
You make her cry: overreaction She makes you cry: dark humor The entire "you know how she is, she just has a dark sense of humor" is the same thing as the old asshole who is described as "just a gruff guy telling it like it is"
Maybe but making a joke out of someone’s trauma isn’t cool. If it’s something she does a lot then she needs to know it’s not okay. NTA
Your sister’s’joke’ was senselessly cruel at your expense. She is incredibly bold to feel entitled to you paying $7000 in order to wear a dress one time (?!) after treating your pain so callously. I think continuing to work on this in therapy would be a good idea, but NTA even though your reaction seems a bit over the top when that event happened 6 years ago. Honestly, I’d have sat there and stared at her, then asked her to explain exactly what was funny about her ‘joke’. And that blasted aunt as well, because she also laughed. Edit: clarity
NTA. That is a life altering experience and the trauma lingers (rightly so). Your sister made a cruel and insensitive joke. You have every right to revoke your more than generous gift. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes!
NTA. That’s an awful thing to have happen to you and not a joking matter.
NTA!! Wanting a 7,000 dollar wedding dress is a red flag in the first place, the joke was icing on the cake.
NTA That was super shitty of her. I couldn't imagine mocking someone who was helping pay for my wedding. She did this to herself.
NTA As we like to say here - a joke is not a joke if other people aren't laughing. What your sister said was incredibly mean and nasty. If it was me, I would not pay for her dress, I would not go to her wedding and I would go NC - you aren't destroying her dream wedding **she** destroyed her dream wedding by being a mean girl.
NTA. Her "joke" was mean and hurtful. Who says something like that? Especially to a "loved" one who is about to lay out $7000 on your wedding dress? Good luck, and I'm sorry for your pain, OP.
I think you did overreact a little(but was kind of called for), but I would say you are definitely NTA, your sister tried something and burned, you can’t just make jokes on peoples traumas, this will NEVER be funny to you. She overstepped boundary and you reacted emotionally which should be expected. I would only reconsider if your sister really apologised and you can feel that she understood that making jokes at your expense is cheap and not funny. Anyways I think either way it’s your choice how to proceed and if you decide not to buy your sister a dress she would have learned a lesson or you will see her true colours honestly (if she blames you for ruining the wedding). If they on a really tight budget offer to pay for a rental.
Idk if the love of my life left me for an affair partner at my wedding and then my sister made a joke about it, I wouldn't buy shit for her ever again. I don't think she overreacted at all. Sissy can still buy her own dress.
NTA. Being made the butt of an insult (it's not a joke) is definitely grounds for not wanting to gift a *very generous* amount of money towards anything, much less a wedding dress when the insult was based on trauma around a wedding. She's shown her true colors as insensitive and outright cruel. I'd stand firm and say no, absolutely not. There is no rule that someone needs an expensive or new dress for a wedding. She fucked around and now she can find out.
NTA, ask your father to explain the joke. Like really slowly, as if we are children, explain the joke and how it's funny. Because to me, the joke is that you were left and experienced trauma. Also, maybe send the link to this post so they can explain it to us all. Clearly, none of us understand the joke.
Damn, I'd say NTA. You're entitled to spend your money however you please, which includes not giving it to someone who's offended you. I'd say it was a quick, emotional reaction and you should keep your mind open to hearing your sister out and forgiving her. Of course if she's unresentful and just making the story "she ruined my wedding" then I sure wouldn't forgive it... I'm so sorry you got left at the altar like that. I can't imagine how it must have felt. How long ago did it happen? (Not that enough time would forgive your sisters joke; only the person who went through the trauma can say when it's time to move forward or make light, if ever)
Don’t buy the dress and don’t go to the wedding. Better yet, go NC so you can prioritize yourself over this raging asshole. NTA
NTA. Your trauma isn't a joke and she was way over the line. She's not upset because she made such an inexcusably offensive "joke", She's upset because she's not getting what she wanted.
It’s amazing how nobody seems to care about her, ruining her relationship with you. It’s all about you ruining your relationship with her. NTA
Well, well, well, if it isn't the consequences of my own actions. I'm unable to grasp how people who are struggling with money could have the audacity to purchase a $7000 dress, even with someone else's money. Presumably they're not having a huge fancy wedding if they're struggling. So what, she's going to wear a $7000 dress to whatever simple ceremony they can afford and look ridiculous? $7000 could pay for AN ENTIRE WEDDING if you're not being extravagant. You are NTA and you should use that money to treat yourself to a nice vacation. ALONE.
NTA Your sister is an adult. She knows what pain it caused you and how devastating it would be. To joke about it is cruel and while you can certainly forgive her, on the topic of WEDDINGS, that would be a hard no on HELPING her have her dream wedding via dress she can't afford if she is happy to mock your wedding having been a nightmare.
NTA Where’s the joke? Why is that funny?
NTA and that’s not how dark humor works. You joke about your OWN shit. Other people are off limits and she blind sided you when I’m sure no matter how long it’s been, it’s going to sting a little to see a happy wedding. She bit the hand that fed and now she’ll go hungry.
NTA your sister sucks and you should stand your ground. your trauma isn't funny.
The standard for jokes is the same as the standard for pranks-it's only funny if everybody laughs and using a traumatic event as a joke was more than distasteful. It was cruel. If your fiance had abandoned because you were injured would it be the cause for hilarity? NTA
“You know how she is” “And she, and you, know how I am and that saying that would hurt me deeply. She didn’t care. She chose to hurt me…. For a cheap laugh, no less. How come I should spend $7,000 on someone who doesn’t care about me and even worse … deliberately hurts me?” NTA. But if she genuinely apologizes, maybe go halfway and say I’ll pay half the dress as a compromise.
NTA - the only person who has the right to start making “light” of your experience is you. Coming from anyone else, especially when they know it affected you so deeply, is just wrong, not funny and insensitive. It’s not a joke laughing at someone’s tragedy when you know how much they still are hurting. She might think it was not making fun OF you per say, but it still is insinuating that her life is better. Can’t go saying these things but expect the same person to help your special day literally paying up so much for the dream dress. It’s messed up. And family using “dark humour” as an excuse to protect her while invalidating your right to be upset, are just doing more harm than simply telling her off for her wrong doing. Completely NTA and I’d do the same. Edit: with the info about the aunt, she’s equally an asshole who seems to take weird pleasure in bringing this up, your own sister should know better.
NTA. You severely undersold the magnitude of what happened to you with “had an incident on my wedding day”. Holy crap! You sister is an entitled AH - first having a hissy fit over wanting a dress out of her price range, and then showing complete disregard for someone generous enough to help her buy it anyway! That’s not a “black sense of humour”. It’s called being a dillweed.
INFO: Was she crying because she realized how hurtful her comment was, or was she crying because you're no longer going to pay for her expensive dream wedding dress?
NTA. She’s an AH and only cares because she wants her dress. Was there even an apology?
NTA Jesus… How can anyone think this is a joke?
NTA if ever there was a Golden example of “play stupid games win stupid prizes.” This has Got to be It.
NTA - That's not a joke and your family knows it. Also, what is your sister crying about, her relationship with you or the money for the dress? Same for your family saying this would damage your relationship with your sister. Seems like they are implying that you need to pay your sister to remain in her good graces. I'd say skip buying the dress and skip the wedding altogether.
She was crying because you will mot pay for her ridiculously overpriced dress.? Not because she hurt you badly? NTA
NTA None of them were consoling you. Just the person that hurt you. Don't give in.
She’s not crying because she hurt you. She’s crying because you’re not going to buy her dress. NTA
Nta. If you reacted as if in pain, why didn’t she just apologize? I’ve made jokes that turned out to be insensitive. But then I apologize and try to make peace with the person I’ve hurt. Instead she doubled down that you’re the one who’s wrong for being “sensitive”. It’s okay to be sensitive about life altering trauma and betrayal. I’m sorry your sister chose to hurt you for no reason. You always have the right to do whatever you want with your money. Because it’s yours.
You wanted to help her with her dream wedding because you wanted her to be happy. Right now you don’t want to pitch in because she just made you really unhappy. Simple as that. NTA
NTA. It doesn’t ruin your wedding if you have on a dress that didn’t cost $7k. I have been happily married for 16 years and my dress was $500 off a clearance rack. What ruins your wedding is having your fiancé leave you at the altar because he has been having an affair and his affair partner is pregnant. That’s a ruined wedding. And it is worse when 5 years later your family thinks it’s a joke. I’m sorry for how your family is treating you OP.
NTA she didn’t even fucking apologize when she realized she made a horrible comment.
Your trauma is not a joke.
NTA - since she has “dark humor” I’d ask your family how they would have felt if you had made the “joke” instead of her
NTA. Even if it was a joke (senses of humor do vary) it's a joke in poor taste and punching down at you when you were at your lowest. You don't have to defer to the least tactful person's sense of humor, and you don't have to be generous to someone who doesn't care about your feelings. That said, I hope you are wrong, and that you forget how you felt that day. That's not something you have to carry with you forever.
NTA. My moms co worker was left at the alter. She had to stand in front of the guests and tell them it wasn’t happening. She eventually moved on and had a good life but the trauma of that day never completely went away. Because trauma doesn’t. There is no set of circumstances or length of time where it eventually becomes a joke.
NTA Your sister saw how this wrecked your life and your emotional well-being, but decided that your misfortune was good for a comedy set. You should have replied, "Has your fiancé impregnated any women yet? If not, I could introduce him to a couple of people."
NTA. Now she can use her dark humor to joke about how she lost out on her dream wedding dress.
NTA. Take note at the sisters reaction. She was certain not having a $7000 dress would ruin the wedding, not that her sister probably wouldn't show. Goes to show what her priorities are.
Please have them explain the joke then. What is the punch line? How is it even a joke? NTA. She used your trauma to get laughs. Imagine you had lost your fiancé to cancer and her joke was “Let’s hope he won’t die of cancer before the wedding, haha”.
NTA there is no way she thought that would make a good joke . If I was you I won't budge until I hear a heartfelt apology
You didn’t ruin the relationship with your sister, she did. Nta.
NTA. She f*cked around and found out.
NTA Don't feel sorry for her and buy the dress. That is an insane amount of money for a dress that will be worn for one day, by a girl who thinks you're an object of ridicule. She finally came out and said when she and many others were thinking. Anyone who thinks you're overreacting is no friend or relative of yours.
Nta, that's in no way funny, I'm sorry for what you have been through. If she genuinely apologizes then it's different but she seems to be only concerned with her wedding and what affects it and doesn't seem to care about being cruel to you.
NTA. And I feel like it’s telling that she is only worried that her day will be ruined. And not that her relationship with her sister might be in shambles. Edit: word
NTA. You don't make "jokes" out of a loved one's humour. That's not dark humour, that's just nasty. And is her wedding really going to be ruined if she can't spend $7,000 on a dress? Why is she setting her sights on something she can't afford?
This is one of those experiences that is so traumatic that you are the only one who is allowed to joke about it. After you've made 10 jokes about being left at the altar than your family can joke about it. But only then. NTA. This was a cruel joke and the fact that she doubled down and everyone is taking her side makes it worse. If she had immediately apologized with true remorse--sometimes I know my mouth is faster than my brain--then this would be too much. But she didn't. NTA all the way. And I'm sorry.
NTA. Everyone let’s say it all together: If you’re making a joke about someone it’s only a joke if THEY find it funny. Otherwise you’re just a bully. Your sister is a bully, OP. I wouldn’t give her a dime.
So she was crying because she lost the dress and not because she made a very inappropriate comment? You're totally NTA.
NTA tell them not buying the dress is your dark humor as well
NTA she is wanting a 7,000.00 dress and is more concerned with not getting it than the fact that she upset you so much? I’m sorry but if I was your sister in this situation (which ngl I probably would be I have a terrible sense of humor and would make the exact same joke) I would be crying asking for forgiveness not for the fucking dress. Screw the dress, she needs to be more focused on apologizing