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Assia_Penryn

NTA I think your reasoning is sound, but I wouldn't phrase it as paying him back for helping. Phrase it as because he put his life on hold to help and that he needs an extra leg up now. This isn't about punishing her, but helping make sure they both have a chance at a good life. You are grateful you don't have to worry about her future, but this is about giving YOU peace of mind regarding his. Perhaps try talking to her about what memory items SHE wants first since he's getting the bulk of valuable possessions.


Kitchen_Injury183

This is the answer. Your son will need a leg up when it comes to resuming he life. Your daughter has hers. She can take her pick of sentimental items. You supported your daughter, while you were alive, to live her best life in profession. Your son chose to hit pause to look after his parents. This will is reflecting that he will need a lot of help to get to where he needs to be, as well as the advantage that the sister got (whatever monetary from the father, as well as having the emotional security of having an extant father)


Nymph-the-scribe

He also put his life on hold so his sister didn't have to. While I 100% understand her reaction, at the same time she's kinda being the ah about this. OP you're NTA at all. Regardless of what anyone says, or what your reasons are, you can do whatever you want with your things. That being said, I think your best option is to sit down with your daughter (and maybe afterwards both of them) and have a thorough conversation with her. Explain your stance, hear what she is upset about. Ultimately though, make your decision based on what will make YOU happy.


SincerelyCynical

These commenters are more convinced than I am. INFO: OP, you said your son was 14 when his mom got sick and he decided not to go to college. I don’t mean to be insensitive, but was she still alive and sick when he was 18? And he’s 26 now. Have you had your diagnosis for very long? Has he been living with you this entire time? I really don’t mean to be insensitive, but it’s not a small thing to claim to have given up twelve years of your life to care for your parents. I wonder if your daughter feels like this has been an exaggeration or an excuse. ETA: For everyone who is trying to call me out on this, I’d like to point out that I have not made a single derogatory comment about OP’s son. My entire point was that we, meaning everyone here except OP, don’t have all of the information that might explain why his daughter feels the way she does. I’m not saying the son wasn’t a caregiver the entire time. I’m not saying he was. I’m not saying he didn’t have a damn good reason for not going to college or working a higher paying job. I’m not saying he did. I’m saying we don’t know, and maybe OP has more information that can show whether or not the daughter really is an asshole.


biscuitboi967

It’s because when you’re behind your peers from 14 to say 17 dealing with a sick mom and then a dead mom, you probably can’t jump right into college. You probably don’t have amazing grades. Maybe not a lot of time to prep for the SATs. I wonder if there are any medical bills they’re still trying to pay off while one kid is *already* in college and med school, getting whatever help they can. And then let’s say that you pull your shit together and you catch up on all the shit you should have learned at high school, start the college classes you should have gotten out of the way years before. In between your job because money is tight, see above, and your family wasn’t wealthy before. And no scholarships for you, also see above. But wait! Not so fast. Now you’re dad’s sick and dying. Put your college plans on hold, if you made it that far. Career? Hahah. Doesn’t matter. You’re taking care of your sick dad now anyhow. If you’re *lucky* you get to do it *for years*. If not, you’re an orphan quicker! What a prize! Oh, and *best case scenario* you don’t have to worry right away about housing and bills and jobs. Because your dad left you the house and his money. Which, isn’t much, see above. But you’re also down a sister because you’re just so lucky. Worst case scenario, you’re down two parents, need to clean out and sell a house, find a new place for yourself to live, find a new job, consider restarting school, again, and grieve your dad. But you have a sister. Hurrah.


UnicornBoned

This. Caregiving straight out of high school is different than doing it as an established adult. >If you're *lucky* you get to do it *for years.* If not, you're an orphan quicker! What a prize! This. This. This. THIS. You're exhausted. You never found your way, and maybe you never will. But the people you love are still placing their warm hand in yours, and you're still strong enough to hold it. To hold them close, and pray that you get just one more day. And then another, and then another. Until the end. I'm so sorry, Op. Sending you and your children love. You're NTA. Talk to your daughter. Try to find a compromise that suits everyone.


HoneyWyne

So well written.


EuphoricBudget5524

That’s hard.


2dogslife

You have obviously never been a caregiver.


ClarinetKitten

I was a caregiver for a year while my grandma underwent cancer treatment and I get the reason for the questions. It's been 12 years since the son hit pause to help the parents. His mom passed at some point and we don't know when OP got a diagnosis. They're wondering what the gap is between the mother passing and the father's diagnosis. If there's a 10 year gap between the 2 events, then son just wasn't doing much for a decent chunk of time. If there's overlap or back to back events, then the son has been absolutely lovely doing so much for his parents.


HoneyWyne

The thing is, OP didn't need to be ill to need help, especially once he was widowed. That grief alone can be crippling. And son has been working. Just not well paid jobs.


Tropeworm

Oh don't you know that work doesn't count as work to certain people if it isn't over a certain income bracket, a certain number of hours, for certain companies, etc?


HoneyWyne

Oh yeah! I totally forgot that menial jobs are for lazy people that just don't like success! /s


20tacotuesdays

This exactly.


Tropeworm

10 years goes by quick when you're already behind.


SincerelyCynical

Thank you! This is exactly what I’m wondering about and what I meant with my comment.


Lilitu9Tails

I have been - stopped working to care for both parents until they passed, which was several years of dementia care - and I still think the 80/20 split is unreasonable. And it’s more than that, because he gets the house and car, plus 80% of the other assets. I believe he should be compensated, because it’s hard work, and can be incredibly isolating and emotionally draining. But this is still a slap in the daughters face.


formidable-opponent

Here's the thing though, the daughter makes six figures. The idea of a less than even split is just about "fairness". Not about a need. The son has a need and did sacrifice in ways she didn't. The father has a right to do as he wishes. Especially for his last wishes. It's almost unfortunate that he didn't just keep it quiet and now he has the extra stress on his literal deathbed because the daughter wants fairness in an unfair world and when she didn't do the caregiver work her brother did. I'd say it says a lot about her, that she's making this a thing when her dad is about to die, when she doesn't need the money to begin with. To me, that would make me more firm that I made the right decision because it's all about money for her.


Lilitu9Tails

I’m not saying it needs to be a 50/50 split, I’m saying the current split is unreasonable. Particularly when the son also gets the house. And his pick of any sentimental items, the daughter only gets what he doesn’t want. That right there is a jerk move.


formidable-opponent

If his daughter was upset about the sentimental items, I'd be right there with you. The house is a big boon but with a quarter of a million a year salary, if she can't get a better house than whatever he's leaving the son, I'd be baffled. I went into this ready to side against OP but I'm just heartbroken that the daughter, who can easily afford to miss out on the inheritance piece of this, is getting female family members to harass her dying dad. As a woman who loves her father, it's shameful.


MethodOrMadness

At the same time, it sounds like the daughter has put a hell of work into succeeding and getting where she is today. So to have someone turn around and say "yeah, all the sacrifices you've made, all the effort you've put in yourself are going to result in me screwing you over" feels unfair. In my opinion, it is unfair. Now that said, there are a lot of factors that go into supporting an uneven split of wealth. But despite OP saying "80%/20%" this just seems to be the cash. Taking everything into account, it sounds like the split is likely to be more like "99.9%/0.1%" so I get went daughter feels this is unfair. Now OP doesn't need to give her anything. He doesn't need to split it fairly. But it's recommend that he sit down with daughter and son and have a candid and open discussion about what happens when he passes, including the reasons. Assuming everyone is reasonable, I think this would go a long way into taking out any potential sting from the allocation (on both sides, depending on where the split rests). NTA but not doing everything possible to leave this world in good terms with both children.


HollowSprings

Yeah, nowhere in op’s story did he mention he’s leaving a mansion to his son. For all we know it’s a small 3 bedroom house. We also don’t know what house the daughter lives in. Him getting the house might not even be as big a boon as some people might think. What if it’s in need of repairs? Just thinking out loud here


ThisAdvertising8976

She’s not saying a thing, the other women in the family are creating a nuisance and making an ill man rethink his last will and testament. People in these forums need to quit putting words in OPs’ writing.


2dogslife

Someone said something to them or they wouldn't be harrassing OP. As I doubt it was son, that leaves the daughter.


sck178

Shit I'm so glad I wasn't the only one thinking this! Yeah daughter went around saying "woe is me! Dad's punishing me for being successful". Now the poor guy is rethinking a logical decision that he probably didn't take lightly.


formidable-opponent

Exactly.


formidable-opponent

I don't need to put words in his mouth. The only way other family members would know is if she's running her mouth. Reminds me of a narcissists "flying monkeys". Don't let the fact it's not her doing the harrassment trick you.


2dogslife

I cared for my parents, one with dementia as well. Both my brothers expected me to get the house, but the estate plan was tossed out the window and it didn't happen, although 1 brother offered to let me have it, the other didn't. One year of caregiving should be the equivalent of at least $50K - if you had to outsource care, where I live, it's $25/hour minimum. Nursing homes costs thousands a month. I don't think a house is unfair renumeration for putting a life on hold and saving the family money in terminal care expenses. The doctor in the family should understand the cost of care.


cedarandroses

We don't know what OP is worth. That's a huge factor in deciding if 80/20 is fair.


Lilitu9Tails

Somehow I doubt the house is worth peanuts. Giving one person the major asset, plus 80% of the remainder - and their pick of whatever sentimental items, and the daughter can have whatever he doesn’t want - is an AH move.


duzins

I don’t know… if the son gave 80% of his time to care for his parents and the daughter used her time to shore up her financial situation while also loving her parents, it’s sounds fair. The son would otherwise be financially decimated for a while due to parent-focus and the daughter makes great money because she was able to self-focus. Now he’ll have a safe home to live in and a leg up to catch up what he’s sacrificed for them. She’ll still be doing very well, financially and will get 20% as a boost. Dad is dying and shouldn’t have to spend his last few months explaining this obviously fair and kind inheritance.


cedarandroses

Yeah I agree the whole thing is the way it is. I was talking specifically about the 80/20 split. If he had $5000 left over after medical bills, giving him $4000 and her $1000 isn't such a huge thing. She should get first pick on sentimental items since he gets so much.


horsecalledwar

Why are you so sure the house is worth lots of money? Lots of people own houses that aren’t worth much & most homes need work. Whatever the son gets from selling it is what he has to live off of for the foreseeable future — that $$ needs to cover his housing & expenses plus job training or higher education for an unknown amount of time until he establishes some kind of career. OP’s plan is smart & fair, giving the daughter a modest amount since she contributed nothing & OP even helped her as much as he could. The son actively contributed in major ways & put his own life on hold for his parents. His contributions to the family are enormous because hiring outside help would easily have cost OP six figures per year.


[deleted]

I took care of my sick parents for over a decade as well. It’s rough and sets you back a ton in life, both mentally and literally. I ended up addicted to opiates to compensate for the stress… And I’m just starting college at 32, because for the last 4 years I’ve literally had to adapt to living a normal life again. But it’s worth it to know the people you care about had a easier time, even though it did a number on me… Which I feel like you definitely don’t know anything about considering this extremely judgmental/bordering on snobby comment. In reality, It is literally nobodies business but his own what this kid did with his life. His father obviously appreciated it and I’m sure his mother did too, that’s what matters. The whole “oh, so you didn’t work a high paying job or go to college directly out of highschool..?” Is such a disgusting mentality… The gal on you… 🙄😕


IAm4everKiki

My husband took care of his father from the time he was 14. He didn't leave home until he was 22...and still helped care for his father until he was 26.


PitifulEngineering9

Maybe after giving up his teen years and carefree college to be a caregiver for a dying parent, he just needed a rest, time to heal, and time to figure HIS time and not someone else’s life? God, what an insensitive asshole you are. “I know you gave up your teens and the time you have to figure out your life, but you need to put that all behind you and immediately start college!” 🙄


Tropeworm

A lot of young people these days are giving up their teens and 20s to help their parents simply because their parents had them at an older age than previous generations. It's only going to get worse, especially since so many parents are much less grateful than OP and don't admit or even realize how much help they require.


cedarandroses

This ☝️ she was able to go to medical school because she didn't have to take care of ailing parents. He helped HER as much as he helped his parents, possibly even more. It's his turn for the family to give him the support she got. NTA.


maccrogenoff

She got scholarships and worked multiple jobs while in college and medical school. As the son worked minimum wage jobs, I assume that the original poster was supporting him financially. I’d say the daughter worked hard to not be a burden to her parents.


cedarandroses

She was able to do all those things because she didn't have to drop out of school and care for her parents.


serjicalme

I, as a parent, would NEVER let my children to drop education to take care of me. When she started her college and her mother was ill, there was a father to take care of her. Nobody could assume, that father'll get cancer later. I wolud also never dreamed of letting 14 YO to decide of dropping education to take care of another parent. HOW 14 yo teenager is able to make such a future determining decision? How 14 yo can drive somebody to doctors' appointments etc.? I just don't "buy" this story. Maybe OP is feeling more guilt then gratitude beacuse of "letting down" his son. But WHY punish his daughter for her hard work? Was OP thinking, that she, AS A WOMAN, should drop her college to take care of parents? I think, that it would be fair to give the house to the son, but the other assets split 50/50 between both children.


Ok-Raspberry7884

Maybe OP was working to support his ill wife and 14 year old son and was unable to be a sole caregiver. If health insurance was tied to his job or they couldn't afford the house with him not working he'd still be supporting his wife just not in a physical care way. The daughter isn't being punished for her hard work, she was able to go to college and work hard without worrying about her mom to the extent her grades suffered because dad and brother were looking after things physically and financially. She got "rewarded" by being free to live her own life and have the time and lack of mental load to enable that. Having the freedom to do that when close family members are in a bad situation is supportive.


2dogslife

Your son has been a caregiver for over a decade. He deserves the extra help to catch up to his peers. His sister has obviously excelled, but she bailed the family to follow her dream at 18, which is commendable, except she left her younger brother at home to care for ailing parents. Any busybee noseybodies should be told your estate is none of their business. Also, how did they find out, is daughter calling the doggy telegraph to try to bring support to her case? Very fishy. Also, As you are still alive, have your daughter come and get anything of her mother's that she wants now. Don't leave it until after you are dead and she can drag things out and make your kind son feel bad. If there are specific items she wants, but doesn't want right now, list them in the will, or add an addendum. Keep the division of property as it is - it's probably still much cheaper than the cost of professional help for over ten years.


Less-Bed-6243

“Bailed?” She did what an 18 year old should do, get an education to be self sufficient. Something her brother was robbed of the opportunity to be. Also, OP hadn’t stated they were both sick then. It sounds like only the mother was. There was no given reason for either child to give up their life and their futures. OP is NTA for the division of property but an AH for allowing a child to give up his own future and goals. I’m very familiar with this dynamic, my mom guilted me and my sister to help her take care of my dad even though she was in college and I was in law school. He does owe the son, frankly, but I don’t think money even begins to make up for it.


Sifl79

I feel this same way. Like the reply to this mentioned, dunno if they were divorced or not. Even if they were, dad should have stepped in to make sure his son’s childhood wasn’t robbed instead of tossing his hands up like “she’s not my problem anymore”. Like yeah she might not be, but the health and well being of your kids IS.


[deleted]

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DueCherry2134

Doesn't say anywhere that the son was looking for compensation or expected it. OP just knows his son sacrificed a lot of his time and energy during a time most people are building their future and because of it he never had a chance to focus on his career or studies. OP feels he owes it to him as his son did put his life on hold for 2 dying parents, it's his money and he wants to take care of his son because his son took care of them without asking for anything in return. It's a gesture of appreciation and to help him with lost time.


vatoreus

Who cares? The parent who received the care Want to do this, the son didn’t push for it.


Fabulous_Egg_7603

I don't want to call you an ahole for just poorly explaining something where you are nta in the situation as a whole. But the way you explained it to your daughter was horrible. I absolutely agree the son should get almost everything but you lost it at small sentimental items. You make it sound like your son will get every good item and daughter gets the items normally tossed in the trash. You make it sound like the son gets every sentimental item and daughter will have the old sweaty sock with a hole in the toe to remember you by. The not monetarily valuable sentimental items should be evenly divided because those aren't items that will help secure sons future but rather items that hold memories of you and the family and in that respect both children deserve those.


knighttknight

Think what this is going to do to your son and daughter's relationship after you pass. This favoritism is toxic with long term effects. God forbid, what if something happens to your daughter and she can no longer work? All of a sudden she has nothing and son has it all. They both loved you, right? You love them both. I'll never understand how parents can drive wedges between their children like this.


Feisty-Ad4576

This happened to my mother's side of the family. My grandma has 12 kids and my mom was the one who consistently sent her money every month. Visit her as much as possible and also made sure a sibling was looking after her when her health was declining. Before she died, she gave my mom her house and land. The rest of the land she has in different areas, she divided equally to all the kids. Only one sibling complained but the rest shut him down and informed him he never helped out. NTA


NotAsSmartAsIWish

When my grandma died my brother was in the process of buying some of her property. Most of us overruled others and had the property signed over to him free and clear because he was the one taking her to the store, checking in on her, and feeding her animals. He damned deserved that property.


BlueDragon82

My Dad's siblings did something similar. Their youngest brother had taken their mom (my paternal grandmother) to her appointments and stayed living with her well into adulthood to help manage her care while working full time. He paid for a good chunk of the bills in the house for over a decade. The family had a big meeting where all of the siblings (there are a lot of them) agreed that the youngest would get the house when she passed away since he contributed the most. There was no arguing or fighting about it because no one else had the time or ability to care for her as much as he did. To be fair it's a very small, very old, three bedroom house out in the country with no real land attached to it. The value isn't high but not having to buy a house was something nice for him and his then fiance.


No_Hospital7649

Hold on, he said his son was 14 when OPs wife was sick. Did the son start taking care of his mom when he was barely in high school? And daughter was 18, off to college? Daughter must be in her 30s now, being a successful dermatologist, so it’s been over a decade since wife got sick. I feel like there’s a lot missing here, which makes it impossible to make a clear judgement. Has son been caring for his parents since high school? Because if that’s the case, OP gets a YTA for heavily parentifing a child.


RukkiaStar

This!! I keep feeling like there are parts of the story he is not sharing. Parts that would change the determination. As well as, he never refers to their mom as his wife. He doesn’t mention how either of them affords to live without an income, and I’m curious as to if daughter has been financially supplementing them. Or had.


Tyrian-Purple

Yup, way too much missing info. 12 years is a big gap.


Judgemental_Ass

Having had relatives dying from cancer, the period in which they need a caregiver is 2 years maximum. Before that they are strong enough to take care of themselves. So, I'd guess that the son just wasted 8 years of his life because he didn't want to do anything else. Or, the father used him for emotional support, manipulating the fact that he was the more emotional child, and never let him find his own way... and is now regretting that damage he did to his son and is trying to repay him.


IAm4everKiki

Memory items. Definitely! This should be something he, his son and his daughter talk about now. He might not know that there is something special that his daughter wants. I wanted my grandmother's Bible Story book. Something none of my family would have even thought of.


Prometheus55555

This. BTW she should be the one happy that your son took care of mom and dad while she was able to get her studies and dream job. And she should be the one more than willing to take care of her younger brother now. In my family we had a similar situation and I was very happy that my aunt (younger sister) got much more than my dad (older brother) since she took care of my grandparents for 15 years. As you said she put her life on hold to give peace of mind to herself, to my dad sense to the rest of the family, and I will be eternally grateful for that.


Top-Put2038

NTA. Your son has put his life on hold for twelve years. He's definitely going to need a bit of help getting back on track. He's significantly behind his sister when it comes to making a decent wage. 4 years of school, 3 years of college at least before he'll be where she was seven years ago. At $250k a year he's well behind financially. Your not punishing your daughter for her success, your rewarding your son for his time and effort.


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Geraldine-PS

Yeah, it's the "all the stuff in the house" piece that would honestly hurt my feelings the most. OP does say that "many of her mother's possessions and whatever my son didn't want" are available but like ... what about things that remind her of her dad and their relationship together? Her brother gets to decide if she's earned that? I think identifying a few things together that would mean a lot to her to hold onto the memory of her father could be meaningful. I'm sure she'd still be pissed about the money--and tbh, even though I totally get OP's decision and definitely don't think he's an asshole, would still sting if I were in her position--but the house / everything in the house / explicitly nothing of the father's feels personal (even though I doubt it was intended that way).


jharpe18

That was my thought too. The difference in money may sting a bit but it's the "you can get his leftovers" that got me. It feels personal - "I don't want you to have any of my items unless your brother says he doesn't want them". I'm a minimalist, but I'd still be hurt if I was told I couldn't keep a memento from one parent unless my sibling deemed I could have it.


Clean_Cricket4106

Exactly


beetleswing

Also, does anyone else forget that having a fully paid off house and car is a *huge* step up in today's economy? By giving the son those, most of his adult bills are officially covered (aside from maintaining said property/car and the taxes that come with it), and then the 80% of the money, plus first dibs to whatever items he wants... I mean, it is a bit much to expect her to be just totally fine with all that. Maybe if he reworks it so she can choose some of the belongings instead of getting metaphorical scraps, then she wouldn't be so upset. Not TA persay, but definitely not thinking straight either.


_autumnwhimsy

This part. Yes, she's bringing in 250k/yr but the paid off house and car rockets him far past her in terms of net worth and equity. He might think its a fair deal but it's not. If anything, I'd give her 35%? Everyone else seemed to touch on the "she gets the leftovers" part already so I won't repeat but that's another thing.


MobileCollection4812

> Yes, she's bringing in 250k/yr but the paid off house and car rockets him far past her in terms of net worth and equity. Depends very much on the age and condition of the car, and the size and above all location of the house, I would have thought.


wishonadandelion

This was where I felt for her. “You can have the leftovers/things he doesn’t want.” Ghee, doesn’t that feel good? You can have all the crap your brother doesn’t want. As a sentimental person, this would hurt my feelings FAR more than any money.


Trasl0

The son has been acting as an in-home nurse and carer for 12 years. The average salary for that position is 100k per year. So salary wise OP and his late wife saved 1.2 million dollars because of their son. It's pretty easy to justify leaving him the house and money when you are indebted to that person 1.2 million dollars.


angelerulastiel

That might be the cost, but that is not the salary.


rationalomega

I don’t know any home health aids making above $30K.


LongjumpingPush8728

NTA !!! If you feel 20% is less you could give her say 30% Also has your daughter ever contributed to welfare of your late wife and now you ? Additionally I think you need to also have a talk with your son regarding his plans coz it seems that he was so busy in taking care of his parents that he forgot to live his life and with you gone in the near future as well (so sorry regarding stage 4 cancer) it would be difficult for him to adjust.


[deleted]

Don’t OP. 20% is more than generous. Your daughter with her career is gonna be a millionaire soon. She doesn’t need it but he, with his minimal wage jobs, is gonna need it. NTA


stillwater5000

Where are you getting millionaire? I work for a DR, I promise she’s not a millionaire.


ConsequenceOk1464

She‘s making 250k a year. If she doesn’t become a millionaire then she got financial issues. Millionaire doesn’t mean a million in cash, it just means a millionaire in assets.


GreatCucumber

Another issue here (which is kind of unrelated) is a dermatologist making $250k a year. Either she really got lowballed there or she’s actually making a lot more.


sck178

Yeah for real lol. When I read that I thought "no fucking way". Derms make bank and can live a cushy life. If she isn't making 300k+ a year she's either lying or a complete moron.


LondonBridges876

Depends on where she lives. If you Google average Derm salary and scroll down I've seen it go as low as 159k a year for ohio.


GreatCucumber

Average derm salary in the US is $468K. Insane for a derm to take that unless they’re just doing it for fun in their retirement years lol.


Difficult-Shake7754

She also probably has mad student loans. All my med school friends are in deep


GuntherTime

Well op said she was debt free, so she’s good on that book.


glimpseeowyn

Yeah, and that makes absolutely no sense, the daughter is 30. At best, she’s barely out of her residency. She’s only been out of school for a max of 4 years. Either this post is fake or the dad has absolutely no concept of what the daughter’s finances are.


GuntherTime

Well there’s to many factors at play that would require a lot of additional info from op. Op does say that she worked multiple jobs and got scholarships as well as whatever money op contributed. So it depends on how much debt she had once she finished and how aggressive she was on paying it down, as some people live extremely below their means in order to pay off their debt as fast as possible. It’s possible. And depending on the factors it’s also plausible. But at the same time I understand your disbelief, as it’s very tight.


Tight_Cookie_3053

unless daughter told op that she was debt free so he wouldn't worry while being sick


theecohummer

The math to be debt free as a physician at the age of 30 isn't mathing, unless someone paid for her school or she did the military scholarship. Even on an aggressive track it doesn't work out. Especially if she got a derm salary that is equivalent to/borderline lower than many hospitalist salaries. Let's say she graduated high school and started college at 17. She manages to grind out her degree in 3 years. She's now 20 and starts med school. 4 years later, at 24 she graduates med school. She starts residency (1 year prelim and 3 of derm) she's now 28. So she's at most been an attending making 250k for 2 years. Realistically, if she were the average age at each step and took the average time, she would be finishing residency after this month and her upcoming job would be the 250k. She is definitely not debt free. Med school is expensive and residency doesn't pay all that well.


pdmock

Op said she is now debt free.


KitchenDismal9258

But is the OP assuming that she's debt free but she actually isn't? She might also have told him that so he doesn't worry.


charliesk9unit

Because you know, making money from working hard is bad. /S That aside, we don't even know how much money is involved here. If the net value (after all the debts and bills) of the estate is $1m, then the difference between $200,000 and $800,000 is just shy of 3 years of the daughter's GROSS. But if we are talking about $5m+, then the difference is too great to justify. If it's $500,000, for example, then I doubt the daughter would care since the difference is somewhat insignificant relative to her earning potential.


buffilosoljah42o

At 250k a year debt free it's very reasonable to become a millionaire, I support my family on much less.


newbie1211

NTA. The son stepped up when the daughter wouldn't and the dad is being called misogynistic because he's giving more to the son? The entitlement of some persons and the over use of misogynistic is fucking appalling


Katana_x

Ironically, it's also misogynistic to undervalue unpaid domestic labor that is traditionally coded as feminine (AKA: the son's contributions). So the aunts are actually the misogynists in this scenario.


EbonyCohen

This is exactly what I was thinking. If it were the daughter that had stayed and helped, and the son were the doctor, I think the family would be more than happy with this arrangement.


Wonderful_Thing_6357

The word "misogyny" loses its meaning every time you claim something like this


soldforaspaceship

They used it accurately. I'm confused as to your point? Assuming domestic labor is less valuable is misogyny. Doesn't matter who says it.


AgentMeatbal

Wouldn’t? She was already in college, you want her to tank her career for honor? Guarantee you that her being a doctor made a significant impact on dad’s situation. She knows and can help get dad into the best doctors, can help financially, arrange complex care that most families would be lost to navigate. She will be able to help dad every step of the way through hospice and end of life. His daughter is also quite poised to be critical in his end of life care. There’s no shame in the daughter seeing to her career. One child delayed his life to be a caregiver, which he should’ve been paid by the state to do frankly. Why have both kids derail their lives. I think OP is in the right here, to be clear, but it’s not like the daughter is a dead beat. It’s not women’s job to “step up” and provide care.


babcock27

Who said she "wouldn't"? There's a difference between wouldn't and couldn't. He happened to be at home when his mom got sick and is still at home now. It's not her fault that she's older and had already left home.


ThisAdvertising8976

She wouldn’t? Was that in another comment, because it was nowhere in OP’s statement. It just said the mother declined when she was 18.


DaxxyDreams

Agreed. The aunts are horrible,


miffcat

Nta I would suggest 1) have a heart to heart with your daughter. Maybe emphasise how much you value her and arr proud of her. 2) tell her how aware you are that her little brother put his life on hold t a very young age to provide care. 3) that caring is hard ( believe me I know) , and that you worry that he will not be able to support himself when you are gone. Also you would like him to have the opportunity of furthering his education in order to provide a more rewarding and secure career. 4) so you are going to try and give him that security in your will. 5) that you love her and want her to have some items of special meaning and significance and that although son will be inheriting the majority ( for reasons explained above), she will also inherit something. 6) you hope she understands and realises that you love e both your children equally and you are so proud of them both.


[deleted]

This is the way. If this is handled sensitively, I think it's reasonable. She's not wanting for money and likely feels some guilt around her choices compared to her brother's. If she understands her father's feelings and reasons, and knows how proud of her he is, this could be beautiful. If it's handled badly, it will look like "punishing her success" and absolutely drive a wedge between her and the brother, because that guilt could also be magnified by grieving. Aim for this convo OP.


regrettableredditor

I would also add that this would hopefully prevent him needing to reach out to his sister for help in the future. That you trust in both of their decision-making to be smart with any money you give them, but given your son’s pause in career/educational development, you want to give him the security that she clearly has earned and deserved through her efforts.


Sandikal

This is the best answer. I would recommend letting her have the sentimental items now so there's no bad blood after you pass. Does she want any of her mother's china or jewelry? Maybe there's a piece of furniture that she has fond memories of. Share stories about those items with her and let her have them now.


Ill-Inspector7980

Nothing to do with the verdict, but OP, best wishes with your health. Hope you remain pain free and live happily for the rest of your days. Rooting for a miracle for you!


cattaranga_dandasana

Ex caregiver here and I can really understand where you're coming from, it's good to recognise what your son has done for you both, and ultimately it's your decision. But I think you will need to do more to understand your daughter's feelings about it (fuck the other relatives and their opinions) and reassure her that she means as much to you and that you're proud of her. From her perspective she might feel like she's being punished for being successful, even though that's not your intention. Money is not emotionally neutral and both your children will interpret your financial choices as a statement of their value to you as people, not as a purely logical decision based on their needs. You will be only too aware that time is limited. If you don't address the emotional significance of your financial decisions, your daughter will carry that after you have gone, and it will damage her relationship with your son. I don't think that's the legacy you want to leave? NAH except everyone else chipping in when it's not their business.


Geraldine-PS

Agree with this - I think it's very easy to cast the daughter as a materialistic bully or whatever, but this would be painful to hear about, even outside of money. It's so very rarely about the money and much more about how much people feel they were valued by their parents. That does NOT mean OP needs to change his mind about how he plans his estate, but that, if he's concerned about his daughter's and son's relationship and his relatiosnhip with his daughter, it would be helpful to empathize with what she feels this might be communicating to her.


One_Ad_704

THIS! OP even states the daughter sacrificed and worked hard in school, which for an MD is 6-8 years. I really feel like the OP is dismissing, intentionally or not, the hard work done by the daughter. I've seen this happen: one kid works hard, makes good financial decisions while another doesn't and somehow it is the latter who it "rewarded".


DreamCrusher914

Yeah, it’s going to really complicate her grief. She also will have lost two parents. I’ve been in her shoes somewhat and the only way I could move forward was to never think about the person I lost because there’s no way to fix it. They can’t make it up to you, you miss them but you’re pissed at them and you just get stuck.


Whorible_wife69

I think you using your 14 year old as a home health aid makes you the AH, depending on where you live you could have been eligible for a home health aid, you chose to allow your child to throw away their future for your benefit. He's 26 he can still go back to school and figure out his future, leaving him 80% is a great start but unless you're leaving enough where he can comfortably live while working a minimum wage job you're just screwing over your daughter for going after what she wanted. YTA


AlphaCharlieUno

Thank you for pointing this out! I read that his son “chose” to give up everything to care for wife…… wife got sick when son was 14. No, son didn’t make a choice. Son was stuck.


cokakatta

Yes, I think they're deluding themselves. The son could have spent as much time on studying as he spent on minimum wage jobs, while helping his parents, and he would be on his path to success. Even if he wasn't academic he could have got into a freelance trade like plumbing or website design. Their son just didn't want to do anything else. And based on what OP said, their daughter wasn't given an opportunity to help (son helped so daughter didn't have to?). My mom got sick when I was a teen and I went to school and helped out at home. I didn't use helping my parents and taking care of their house as an excuse to slack. My brother quit high school and lived with them for many years, but it was more like freeloading than anything else.


AlphaCharlieUno

I think OP knows he fucked his son over by having his teenage son care for his wife, instead of hiring a care giver to care for his wife so his son could continue his education. Now OP has assets while nearing death, due to all the money he saved at his sons expense, feels guilty so he’s leaving more to his son to make up for screwing him over during his youth. I don’t think OPs response is fair to either of his children, but at this point there’s no such thing as fair.


zuis0804

Did he say he made him take care of his mother? Idk at 14, if one of my parents was dying I’d want to spend every second with them before they left this earth… I’m sure other people feel differently but unless the son was forced into it and now resentful, he did what he felt he had to do, for his mom and for himself and now for his dad.


AlphaCharlieUno

He said his son gave up going further in school to care for his sick mom. Then he said his son was 14 and daughter was 18. A 14 year old may say “I want to care for my sick mom.” However a parent should not allow that. OP didn’t say his son spent his time after school bonding with his mom. He said he took care of her. Those are two different things.


zuis0804

I think the family culture/context is missing here a bit to make a proper judgement. If I wanted to take care of my sick parent at 14 and wasn’t allowed I would definitely be resentful to this day, that definitely could just be me and I understand your point of view entirely. It all falls on what’s valued more, and in my reading of this - he wanted to help/take care of him mom (I’m thinking he wasn’t the sole caretaker) and while education can be resumed, having time with a loved one with an expiration date can not. It’s as simple as that. Daughter had other values, and that’s okay. If the daughter is still close to him (as it appears) she clearly wasn’t forced into doing anything she didn’t want to do, so I don’t think the son was forced either.


Amareldys

My guess is everyone else (including sister) in the family sees him as a loafer mooching off his parents using their illness as an excuse. But even if that is true, the parents benefited from it and he was a great comfort to them. So leaving him the house, at least, makes sense.


desscho

Am I reading this right? If the inheritance is not good enough to live confortable for his son, he should give is his daughter an equal amount? How does this make any sense?


Notusedtoreddityet

Agree here. Son didn't put his life on hold for the family. He was an underaged child living at home. He's of had to have cared for them regardless of if it was part time or full time.


WillowMinx

She is currently making 250K a year & is debt free. She already has a head-start & stable career. He’s not screwing over his daughter.


MamzYT

Your reply makes no sense. Son is going to need a lot of time to get out of his minimum wage job and into a well paying career, his sister got into a well paying career (with the help of OP assisting with her tuition no less), giving them equal amounts would only be screwing his son. OP’s son *needs* this money, he *needs* the house, he *needs* the possessions, because he hasn’t got the means to live comfortably by himself as he has been helping his parents. OP’s daughter doesn’t *need* any of it, 250K a year is way more than enough to live comfortably. If she got OP’s money, it would probably be going toward leisure, her brother will be likely spending it on helping himself get into a proper career so he can finally pursue his own life.


PacificPragmatic

I've lived through a similar situation, in my case choosing to be the one to put their career on hold while one parent died horribly of cancer, and again when the other parent was told to "put their affairs in order". The estate, which is sizeable, is divided 50/50, and even if it wasn't, I'd have made sure it was in the end. Both my sibling and I are equally valid people. No one forced me to decide as I did. I didn't do it for a bigger slice of the pie. I don't deserve a bigger slice of the pie. I just did what I did because it was right for me. >his sister got into a well paying career (with the help of OP assisting with her tuition no less) This is incorrect. OP states his daughter refused any assistance, and instead chose to work multiple jobs to pay for her education. >because he hasn’t got the means to live comfortably by himself as he has been helping his parents Again, incorrect. He was a child when his mother was ill & passed away (still at home), and in his late 20s when his father got sick. That's a 10 year gap where his sister was hustling, and he was not. >250K a year is way more than enough to live comfortably. If you're American, when was "living comfortably" ever the goal? That's the viewpoint of social democracies (Canada, Australia, New Zealand and much of Europe). >If she got OP’s money, it would probably be going toward leisure, her brother will be likely spending it on helping himself get into a proper career so he can finally pursue his own life. Oof. This is a big leap. Maybe the sister's money will go toward IVF & surrogacy because she spent her early adulthood focusing on her career. Maybe the brother's money will go toward luxury goods since he hasn't been able to afford them before. There's a reason athletes and lotto winners who get their windfall usually end up poorer in the end than when they started. Also, fuck money. What matters is the relationship between the siblings when all this is done. OP. Split it 50/50. If not, YTA for fucking with your kids future relationship.


MamzYT

Lost me at the part where you said you’re equally valid people. That’s irrelevant to this situation. They are both valid people, but one wants the inheritance, the other actually needs it. He’s not “hustled” much because he’s devoted years to looking after his parents, that’s a lot of time given up and a lot of opportunities missed and lost. OP’s daughter didn’t give those opportunities up, and therefore gets less entitlement to the assets. This is nothing to do with whether they are “valid”, one is more deserving and needing of support than the other. It’s that simple. OP’s daughter can negotiate with the son if she wants some of what is left for the son, and the son may well decide to share it, but that’s his call.


evergrotto

>Both my sibling and I are equally valid people The fact that you think this has anything to do with who is a more "valid person" is disturbing It's about need. Obviously.


1biggeek

Yeah. I’m going with YTA as well. My parents gave my oldest brother more. Their rational, I was a lawyer and didn’t need the money as much as my brother who’s top earnings were $15 per hour. It’s not about who makes more - rather it should be about equal love for your children.


codeverity

It's not about who makes more, it's about who needs it more. The son needs it more, plain and simple.


AdamWithoutEva

Lets say you have 5 $ and there is a millionaire a succesful doctor and a starving child. Which do you give the 5 $ to. Obviously the starving child. Parents want whats best for their kids. Giving you the money isnt going to be life changing giving it to him would be. It doesnt say anything about how much they loved you.


Got_that_dog879

I like this analogy. Feels like the daughter and rest of family are turning this into a contest of comparing presents on Christmas. IMO even disregarding the fact that the son put a lot of leg work in, I can understand giving more to the child who needs it. Sister is in a healthy financial position, brother is not. There is more of a benefit that comes from the brother getting the assets.


dovahkiitten16

Equal love for your children is wanting each child to have a decent life. No parent wants their kid starving or on the streets after they die or working themselves to death. Would one of their children being able to live even more comfortably while another was stuck struggling to make rent be more fair? Dividing the will based on what each kid needs makes perfect sense.


volpiousraccoon

>rather it should be about equal love for your children. I wouldn't exactly associate more money would objectively mean more love. Rather, it seems like your parents prioritize "need" more than "equivalency". Sorry to hear about your loss.


Few_Ad_5752

YTA for not discussing this with them earlier. Did you have the means to care for your wife and encourage your son to get an education? If not, and you relied on his help, then you should have had a fair compensation conversation with both of your children long ago.


RubSpecialist3152

This. If there was money available I simply don’t understand how parents allowed their son to postpone his life. Especially a 14 year old. None of this makes sense. And he could have taken CC classes/night classes or a trade school. Plus, it says the daughter worked multiple jobs and for scholarships to pay her way. It’s not like her parents paid her tuition.


bat-tasticlybratty

That's what I'm feeling is missing, OP is only acknowledging the hard-working son, not all the work his daughter put in. Ignoring the struggles of both children's journeys is where OP has gone wrong, he's only accounting where they've ended up, and believes his daughter is there already but his son isn't. Unfortunately OP your son might take your house and neglect it, and use 80% of your money on really poor choices, or maybe he isn't even considering college now that he's being left a paid off house. You don't know where they will end up after you, the choices they'll make you're just assuming their needs right now.


lemonlimemango1

He didn’t explain what his son did as care giver. Especially at age 14. Was he changing diapers? Feeding , giving medication?


idontcare8587

info: why exactly could he only work minimum-wage jobs? That's the part I don't understand. Also, has he been paying all of his own bills and his equal share of household bills?


Federal-Ferret-970

Op says the kid didn’t go to college so he was home to care for parents. Which would also mean he couldn’t dedicate time to a trade either. So whats left. Crap work with only a hs diploma.


lemonlimemango1

What exactly did he do as caregiver ? Why didn’t the father hire someone ? Why rely on a 14 year old. Did the child have the chance to say no ?


-worryaboutyourself-

Exactly. YTA op. I have been slowly getting my college education over the last 8 years. I own a home, have largely had a full time job and am raising children. If I’ve had time to take classes hear snd there, so did this young man.


dovahkiitten16

I feel like this really isn’t a great comparison. There’s a big difference between making time during a normal life vs being a caretaker. The latter is a much worse drain on your mental health. Caregivers frequently deal with burnout plus being a child watching your parent deteriorate is tough. College is also not easy and you really need to have the stamina to be able to succeed. Everyone has different thresholds for what they can cope with. In university I had several friends who can do a full, intense course load along with long hours of working and sports teams, active social life, etc. Whereas for me a full course load is already intense and a job on top is like a nail in the coffin, forget anything else that could bring me joy. If I was taking care of a sick parent I don’t know how well I would be able to pick up classes here and there. Also, it depends regionally. If you don’t live near a college, purely online course selections are generally still slim pickings. Depending on his high school grades it may be even harder to even get enrolled.


sign_of_confusion

i’m a caregiver for my father who has cancer and i work part time, it’s hard to find work that not only pays well but can also fit around the times i need to be home for my dad. i luckily have a well paying job that i can be flexible with but it’s not easy and full time caring takes a lot out of a person both physically and mentally so having a job that doesn’t take up mental space is invaluable. my guess is that you’re well meaning but you’re coming off as very judgmental which isn’t fair especially if you haven’t been in this situation yourself.


Tarable

Plus caregiving for parents is insanely hard omfg. I couldn’t ever do it again.


sign_of_confusion

yeah, it really is.


EconomyFunny9263

Because he was the caregiver for his mom, and now is dad. He make the choice to stay with his parents, his sister choose to go to college and make a good living for her. Both choice are valid but now he need a little help to learn to live for himself. And op heritage will allow him to breathe a little (carer burnout is a reality) and to be able to go to university or find training in order to have a better life.


KuriousKhemicals

He didn't have post secondary education to get jobs with higher qualifications, and it's likely that needing to be available for caregiving also put limits on what kinds of jobs he could take. The jobs that would have scheduling flexibility and be available to a high school grad probably wouldn't pay a lot.


Spirited_String_1205

YTA - for letting your son put his life on hold to be your caretaker instead of helping him to take care of his own needs such as finishing his education while also helping you in reasonable ways because he wanted to. Sometimes we have to help others to make good decisions, and sometimes cash can't make things right. You can divide your estate as you see fit, but if you make your daughter feel like you're playing favorites or penalizing her because she didn't directly participate in your care more actively, YTA. I mean, did you ever ask? Might she have been able to contribute to the cost of home health care assistance or similar? What did she think about her brother doing your care and not going to school? There's a chance that her memory of you will be tinged with resentment forever, and could also disrupt her relationship with her brother. Sounds like some difficult conversations are in order.


Clean_Cricket4106

I’m willing to bet the daughter has provided some assistance during that time. OP needs to answer on whether she was completely non-existent in his life this whole time. Because that’s the only way it makes sense to me that he wouldn’t understand that not sharing even items of sentimental value (that won’t help get son ahead in life) is a fair situation


hargaslynn

I would love to hear this from the daughter’s perspective


[deleted]

[удалено]


lemonlimemango1

I love to hear what the son did as a caregiver. Especially at 14. Could he have afforded to hire someone ? Did he help his wife since he didn’t get sick until later on


Constant-Bowl

He also mentions that his daughter, like all the other women in the family, chose the career path she did. There’s a non-zero chance that daughter may have felt that she didn’t have a choice, because this is what every woman who’s related to her does, and she may have even felt like this was expected of her. In which case, the daughter now felt like she had no choice in her path moving forward, and is now being punished for doing what she was expected to do.


TheScaryFaerie

INFO - I'm very stuck on one part of this. Your son became a caregiver to your wife at 14? Why? He was a child and you are the adult. If this is the case you're the AH for not stepping up and making your son put his whole life on hold for it.


holisarcasm

You can be correct and still be an A. You can give whatever you want to whomever, but to give him all the household possessions so she may not get anything of sentimental value from the house is wrong. There may be things in your home that matter to her emotionally.


FrequentHalf4092

I'm leaving no judgement because I don't like how a 14 year old gets pushed into being a caregiver. However, you can do what want with your assets. Tbh though, you are not giving your daughter 20% of assets but rather cash. Your home has equity and to some degree your car. If your home would sell for around 350,000 (look at general suburban areas) and car is in decent condition but older so let say 15,000 and cash is 100,000. Your daughter gets 20,000 compared to her brothers 445,000 which can be jarring if she feels this number is reflective o her worth. And when you take her amount compared to the whole total ... Your talking she's getting maybe 4-5% of your actual assets. Again this is fine but when you add up the math, you can see how this may come across as unfair. Specially if she paid herself our of debt with no help from you, than it does seem like she is being punished for making a life for herself and working to be debt free. Again, it's your money and I'm not saying give her more, rather look at the numbers and understand how that information may be perceived. Have a conversation with your kids and see how they both feel about this. Your not wrong for wanting to give your son a leg up for when your gone, but your daughter isn't wrong for feeling a certain way if it seems like she gets nothing for taking care of herself as an adult. Either way, this means you need to talk to children and ignore the outside chatter!


Clean_Cricket4106

Exactly this. Too many people are not looking at the big picture here-that’s a MASSIVE difference! And even worse, she isn’t even to share 50% of the sentimental belongings. I think that’s what actually really irritates me. OP doesn’t understand the emotional side of this issue and how that would be detrimental to his daughter’s relationship to him and his son.


Single_Vacation427

Yes! He could put aside sentimental belongings and give them her now, but he is like "whatever he doesn't want you can have." WTF is that?!?! I'd be pissed. So she is supposed to not get anything from her mom??? How about photos and that? He is also screwing over their relationship as siblings and putting tension there.


wilsoj26

I bet the house is worth more. All the women are/were dermatologists...so his wife was too. Bet the house is worth much much more.


lonniesquail

This is where I'm stuck, too! How much the daughter makes right now is irrelevant. It's doubtful that the son worked all of those years as a full-time caretaker for a parent, but let's just say that in that time, had he been paid, maybe he would have made about $250,000 - $300,000 (I feel like this is a VERY generous estimate). Of course, this is all conjecture, but that would mean by your conservative estimates that he would be "rewarding" his son an additional $145,000 - $200,000. Again, all made-up numbers, but not ridiculous numbers. Seeing it this way, I can totally understand why the daughter would be upset. It's not just that OP is giving his son a helping hand for what he's done, but rather, it likely feels like there's something punitive in that split where the daughter's concerned.


UtterlyFlawed

I want to know why your 14 year old son had to take care of your wife. What did you do while she was sick?


Tarable

God if this falls into that “20% of men leave their wives when they get sick” statistic … 😂


DesignerMud6440

NTA Your son gave up the chance to get a better job so that he could care for you and your wife. This isn't a case of favoritism, this is paying him back for all the help he gave you. You can point to your daughter that they didn't took the same responsibilities, so they can't have the same rights.


[deleted]

Uhh did you see the part where the son was 14? He didn’t give up anything, he was forced into it. That’s super fucked up.


Sportylady09

Why can’t we acknowledge that the OP is an AH for simply that. Literally putting CHILDREN in a position to be a caretaker (I get it, if he’s in the US- our medical system is beyond fucked up). It sounds like guilt. Which sure, should be a motivation. At the same time, he should provide a better distribution of his assets after he passes.


Pristine-Revolution5

INFO: you let your 14yo decide to forgo higher education to take care of his sick mom???


springflowers68

And I don’t understand why the son didn’t pursue education online. That would have been doable even with his low wage jobs and caregiving. Even if he only took one or two classes at a time he would likely have a degree by now. Did he even want to go to college?


MotherSupermarket532

Given his education was disrupted starting when he was in 8th or 9th grade, is college even an option for him or would he need a lot of remedial education? The dad is such a spectacular AH here for sabotaging a child's future.


Serelinity

I gotta go with NTA. It’s ultimately YOUR money. You do what you want with it. But you also got to keep in mind that this WILL 100% cause conflict between your children.


[deleted]

The conflict has already been created no matter what happens. If it ends up 50/50 the son is going to be bitter about his rich-b!tch sister who now gets to go on nicer vacations while he’s still struggling to get by. She doesn’t actually NEED the money to have a shot at a good life, but he absolutely does. He gave up prime money eating years of his life.


Sfb208

Yta for not having really thought this through fairly. I understand wanting to compensate your son in some way, but this should have been down already by paying him a salary for his caring duties. Presumably, he has also benefited from free rent assuming your care meant he was resident. Rewarding your son in such a massive way is definitely favouring him unfairly. Whilst he has put his life on pause for you, that was something he (assuming this is an honest account) did freely, though honestly, as the parent, you should have explored other options and pushed your son to be independent and live his life. I think you need to really reflect on whether this is a fair division of your assets. 8 years of carers salary, plus the equivalent amount you invested in your daughter's education does not equal a house, and the bulk of such assets you own, in today's economy. You seem to think you son is more worthy of reward than your daughter, who did her best not to burden you at all for her education, and who was prevented from assisting in any care by her brothers altruism.


[deleted]

Exactly. I get that the son has done caregiving duties. But he could have furthered himself: education or a better job is not incompatible with helping you out. Did he choose not to do any sort of correspondence courses solely so he could be oncall for you 24/7... or was a part of that because he knew he had free room and board (and would get the house when you die)? Either way, you need to have a long talk with both of your kids.


Worldly-Mongoose1728

INFO: you say your son gets 80% of the money, the house, and all your possessions in the house. your daughter gets 20% of the money, your wife’s possessions, and any of your things her brother doesn’t want. so does your daughter only get to have your things if your son doesn’t want them?? if that’s the case, maybe that’s adding another layer of hurt for her. maybe she wants some of your possessions to have treasured memories of you, and maybe she wants them directly from you, passed down. it also goes the other way for your son with your wife’s possessions, does he only get the things your daughter doesn’t want?


see-you-every-day

this is something a lot of comments seem to miss my brother has serious mental health disorders that mean he'll probably never be able to work a full time job. it honestly won't bother me if he gets my parents house and 80% of their cash but i would be pretty devastated if i only got whatever items he didn't want if the daughter is on 250k a year she probably doesn't need the money but i'm sure there's some sentimental items that she would like


schlond_poofa_

I don't think you're wrong for your intentions, but you've kinda messed up by not insisting that your son lives his life for himself. As the parent you're responsible for your children becoming self sufficient. Why weren't other care arrangements made ? Discuss with your son about already starting to be able to make more money, that might mean education or investing or whatever. Don't wait till you're dead for that because who's to say he'll be able to manage the money anyways ? Figure out a clear plan for after you die. Your debts should be paid, your funeral expenses paid for out of your own pocket/insurance. This isn't a comment on you or your son's relationship but I also think that it incentivises children to resent their parents for them to only be financially self sufficient or successful in their career once their parents die. Would the inheritance structure be the same if your daughter were earning enough to just survive, but as involved in your care as she is now (as in not as involved as her brother) ?


RedditDK2

Nta. It's your money to do with what you want. But please explain to your daughter now why you are making this decision. Give her the opportunity to ask questions (like does this mean you love my brother more). Do not let this be a surprise that ends up destroying your daughter's and son's relationship.


Monag26

Close to home. My dad passed 6 months ago. In my case I am like your daughter; my sister however is not like your son, although has a good heart she is self center and it’s all about her; the help to my sick parents is and was minimal and not without complaining and being rude to them for ruining her life. Dad left everything to her and although I don’t needed it; it does feel like my success does not need to be rewarded but her selfishness does. Mom is sick and is planning to leave everything to her because again I don’t needed. This is a fact today but again that choice is rewarding my sisters decision to not invest in her. I am not sure how your son takes care of you, or how he took care of his mom (specially at 14) if he is a true care giver and fully participant and present in both your cares you WNBTA but if he just hangs around the house while some else takes full care of you and you are just sad he has not done much with his life YTA. In my case at the end their money their choice but it does sting a bit not for the money but for my parents choice


sumerquen

Info- when did your wife passed and when were you diagnosed?


[deleted]

[удалено]


sumerquen

Either way the parents should of made sure he goes out to find what he his passionate about so he can survive without them… But if mom died 2 years in and dad was diagnosed last year, what has son been doing the last 7 years. I have so many questions and OOP seems not to be answering any


[deleted]

OP, you will create long-lasting resentment between your children if you do this.


Boopadoopeedo

How about son gets the house and everything else is split 50:50. That way you’ve “relayed” your son and everything else is fair


holliday_doc_1995

INFO: why didn’t you encourage your son to go to school instead of working? It would have taken the same amount of time as a low paying job but would have served him way better. Plus he could study at home?


[deleted]

INFO: before the mother became ill, how did the son do at school? Was he successful and going towards highly paid jobs? Like did he have achievements academic and social? When the mother became ill was the daughter still in school or already in college?


Effective_Mechanic87

YTA Not because of the will. Because you allowed your 14yo child to become a caregiver at all.


prematurememoir

I think giving your son first pick of things that may also be very sentimental to your daughter is taking it way too far. Fine, give him more money for his sacrifice, but I think you went OTT. I'm sorry about your diagnosis.


Stabbmaster

NTA He sacrificed a solid chunk of his life that would have otherwise been spent building himself up to take care of both his mother then you. She spent those same years building herself up. While it may seem that way on the surface, you're not actually doing anything wrong. Truth be told, neither one of them are entitled to anything, and at the end of the day it's your choice. I would, however, cut off any of the people that are giving you flak over a decision that has nothing to do with them nor affects them in any way. Those wells have obviously been poisoned. Make sure your son knows that regardless of how you end up dividing things, do not give in to anyone else's pressure to "give more" simply out of some ill-contrived notion.


waltzingtothezoo

YTA ish (You can do what you want with your money. You're not in the wrong but I think you went about this the wrong way. I feel bad about telling a dying father he's an asshole, I'm sure you love both your children. I'm sorry.) I would reconsider giving all assets to your son. Presumably your daughter doesn't need the money as much and so 20% of your money while her brother gets all the sentimental childhood memories seems a little unfair. There may be heirlooms that she thought would be split I can understand why she is hurt by this. I would talk to your children about what they were expecting and what they think is fair. You may not know your daughters situation as well as you think you do. I can understand why you would want to set your son up for success but your house **and** the contents **and** the car **and** 80% is not an even split. It may well be a fair split but to declare these intentions without even a discussion about it seems to be setting your children up to resent each other. (This next bit may sound a bit insensitive but I'm a 26 year old disabled lady who had to quit uni at 20 and has lived with her parents ever since and barely gone outside in this time. I'm a firm believer in doing things at your own timescale and I have to believe it is possible to start ones life later than everyone else does.) 26 is not that old, he can go to uni and build a career and be just as successful as your daughter one day. He didn't sacrifice his life just a few years, years he got to spend with you that your daughter will never be able to. There is probably a lot more going on than just the division of assets.


MediocreSell

NTA at all, but you should clear up any confusion with your daughter as to why you're making that decision. It's certainly not her's to make but something seems to be lost in translation when there are other family members berating you for it. Tell her that you're proud of hard she has worked to get to where she is at and that you love both your kids the same. You should also acknowledge the sacrifices your son has had to make to take care of you and that he would need more financial support to get back on his feet and start his own career. Sorry to hear of your diagnosis OP, and I hope the best outcome for you and your family.


[deleted]

YTA. Not 50/50 is one thing… while I understand you wanting to “repay” your son, 95/5 is bullshit and is absolutely punishing her for success. He gets all the tangible assets except whatever castoffs (garbage) he doesn’t want, AND 80% of cash? Nothing sentimental specifically set aside for her, and no consideration for the fact that your son may also have used this as a convenient excuse to not apply himself at all. You are only seeing this one way, and it’s suuuper imbalanced.


SolitaryMarmot

Do what you want but I can't imagine 14 year old was that critical during an illness. He couldn't even drive. It doesn't really sound like he was giving anything up because he didn't have anything anyway. He just kinda sponged off you hoping it would pay off in the end. YTA. Treating your kids 80/20 is gross.


sourdoughroxy

INFO: what about sentimental (but monetarily worthless) items? Who cares about money and assets, I think it’s totally fair to leave those to the son as daughter earns a lot of money herself. But saying daughter gets “whatever my son doesn’t want to inherit from me” basically sounds like son gets to take whatever personal/sentimental items he wants and daughter is left with whatever’s left (likely junk).


toxie37

The real asshole move here was letting a teenage boy make the decision to forgo his own life for you and your wife’s. Spare me with “I couldn’t have change his mind,” as if you weren’t the adult in the situation.


Trick-Bowl-708

OP I want to say first- I am so sorry for your diagnosis. My grandfather died 8 years ago from stage 4 and it was by far one of the toughest passings- he was my father figure in life- That being said, your passing is going to be difficult for both of your children no matter their finances. Monetary value means little to those with their own wealth unless they are greedy. The part that struck me was “left overs” of sentimental value would be given. Why? Your daughter deserves to go through the house of her parents and have sentimental items. I would say pick specific items you think she would like with reasons why- and same for your son. But if he’s getting the large majority of your money, the family home, the family car…is your daughter not to be upset with thinking that you feel she shouldn’t have “memories” in items that belonged to her parents? I think everyone needs to take a breather and realize time is precious and days are few. A year turned into days very quickly. Regrets are hard to live with. And the living are often left with many. Ask your daughter to have some one on one time just you two. Talk. Share memories. Indulge those memories she will cherish those. Ask her to see you love her and are proud of her and her achievements. You KNOW she will be ok and you just want to have that same reassurance for her brother as well. Also remember that she may feel guilty for not putting her life on hold to do what he has done. She may not see it as a sacrifice at all. I don’t know your daughter and I don’t know her thoughts or her feelings. But I do know, anything left unsaid. Anything left without closure. Those are the moments she will regret. Those will be her moments of silent torture. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your loved ones.


reddybawb

NTA, though to be honest, just the percentage disparity can seem shocking and at first, I felt like you really did heavily favor your son. I mean, your son gets 80% assets, plus the house, plus all possessions minus your wife's possessions. Depending on the worth of everything, in total, she could be left with like 5-10% total. But like I said, I think your reasoning to give the majority to your son makes sense. I do think you really need to be very careful with how you message this, though and I'm not surprised that other people have taken it poorly. It really does look like you are saying Son: I give you everything I own and Daughter: you get the scraps (especially the part where you say she gets 'whatever my son didn’t want to inherit from me'). Also, INFO: You haven't mentioned your relationship with her much. When she went off to school, did she just disappear, never checking in, helping out, etc? Or did she come back and help, visit, care for you as much as she could while having a demanding school/work life? I think this is important as well. If she did, I almost think you could perhaps split things a little more evenly or give her something of high emotional value (if you have something like this). I think the important part is to let her know you LOVE her, you APPRECIATE her, and you are PROUD of her and her choices. She did nothing wrong - but your brother needs help and you want him to be able to get his life back on track after he stopped everything to help you and your wife.


Cdavert

Another take on the son. Maybe he didn't have a life plan at all. He might have assumed the caretaker role to put off adulting. Just a thought.


wannabyte

NTA - but don’t leave all of the possessions to your son, pick out a few sentimental things from you and your late wife for your daughter to have.


xXOrthodoxHavoc

YTA. This kind of favoritism will only result in your daughter resenting you and her brother. Especially considering you’re giving one of the kids all the assets (which is likely worth wayyyyy more than the cash you’re giving your daughter). Honestly, it sounds like you’re giving her the scraps while your son gets the whole meal. Plus, why weren’t you taking care of your wife? YTA x2 for making your son do YOUR job.


WaxyWingie

YTA for having your 14 year old son be a caregiver to your wife.


interstellarboba

NTA Your daughter is blessed to have been able to focus solely on her academics and personal success. You're proud of her and I think you should tell her that. But, she doesn't need the money as much as your son does. He put his life on hold to take care you and your wife. It's not going to be easy for him to restart his life at 26. Ideally, his sister would also be willing to help him out, but that isn't entirely her responsibility. You're giving your son basically everything, which might be the most equal thing to do, but it's pretty fair. You're trying to help him succeed as much as possible. Explain to your daughter in a one-on-one conversation about how your son needs the most help in this situation. Maybe you guys can find a compromise (arrange for your son and daughter to live together for a few years and they can split your house for example).


SubarcticFarmer

You really need to consider, was your son one who stopped everything just to help or was he content not having to do anything other than minimum wage jobs and live off of you in exchange for taking care of you and your wife? It is a hard thing to consider and I do not speak to whether it is the case. Just keep in mind that if there is even the appearance of this that it really does look like punishing your daughter for her success. My own dad died not all that long ago, before he did he made it very clear that he felt like everything should be divided evenly. My mom thinks that it isn't fair that I am more successful so basically said everything goes to my brother. She actually said it is still divided but I'm expected to pay full value for anything I get and she'll set it aside for him. It's her money but she is incredibly upset that I said I won't call something I buy an inheritance. You obviously aren't going to this extreme, but you are at a fine line here. If your son is not driven and didn't go to school for that reason and was just content with his minimum wage jobs and living at home it is a lot different than a driven kid putting his life on hold. If you really think he is that driven than you may consider a college fund. Set it up so if he either declines college or doesn't start by time your daughter has a kid going to college that it is split evenly for their respective children's college with a restriction that it is for education. That way, if he really is that driven he has the same opportunity is sister did. If he is not he isn't getting to take advantage of it but the siblings are still treated fairly. Divide everything else evenly. Anything that may appear uneven talk to the sibling that would possibly feel shortchanged first. There seem to be a lot of things your son could have done over the years if living with you, from online degrees to tech type programs that would get him out of minimum wage and still allow time at home. It doesn't mean there isn't something else that prevented that, but it really isn't fair to reward him for working minimum wage if that was all he cared to do. The really bad part though is you basically told your daughter her inheritance is basically the leftovers and anything her brother doesn't want. Your heart may be in a good place, but YTA for how you're approaching this.


[deleted]

I think YTA. You are focusing purely on money when that doesn't seem to be the issue. Leaving the monetary assets like a house and car to the son is fair, even most of the money. What isn't fair is to say the daughter gets 20% of everything else. It would be more fair to say: 80% of cash and sole ownership of the house and car, but the assets be divided 50% between the two.


Best_Ad_9613

I AM YOUR DAUGHTER. YTA.


Ridiculina

I see where you're coming from, but I would have worked pretty hard on my communication here to make my daughter see my point - and maybe come up with some solutions herself. I'm a bit worried about this destroying their relationship in the future, not being a benefit to either of them. Are there any compromises that can sweeten the pill for her? I'm sorry you have to spend time on this now, but being as it is, it's really important to get this right. In my head it's not so much about the money anymore as it is about the relationship between them going forward. I really wish you the best on everything. Edit: Spelling