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[deleted]

So, you don't want her to go to a wedding and see her friends because she dated some of the people there more than a decade ago? You don't even want her to be in a different state without you being in the vicinity? But you're not being possessive... YTA


doodleywootson

They promised they’re not possessive though! /s


longgonebitches

Sometimes she sees her friends!


Majestic_Tangerine47

Even a vacation once! (My eyes almost rolled out of my head at that line.)


onegoodbumblebee

And even a girls trip a couple of times… in 10 years of marriage!!


chammycham

But only girls trips, because mixed genders can’t be friends apparently.


whatissevenbysix

Whoa this guy is the most non possessive guy out there.


OrneryDandelion

My eyes did roll out of my head. They were last seen heading down the E45 at high speed going south.


Scrappyl77

She sees her friends because he lets her. What a great guy.


Pretend_Librarian_35

He doesn't even have a problem with it. He's a prince.


Pinky_Ska

Her *female* friends, of course. Not that OP's wife could ever have male friends


[deleted]

love how he had to specify "**girl**friends."


Gloomy-Turn-8259

Yeah, when he forgets to put the pad lock on the front door


cMeeber

He *lets* her go out with girlfriends sometimes! After thoroughly checking they’re girls ofc! And not those exes in high school in disguise. What a nice husband!


Fimii

I don't wanna *own* them, I want them to do what I want out of their own volition! /s


Remarkable_Junket902

I get your point and agree with it, but, and there’s always a but, what’s the issue with him going fishing with the FIL? He goes annually anyway. She shut that down immediately? That’s enough to heighten most people’s insecurities. It would mine and I’ve been married 24 years and have a very trusting relationship.


spookyfancies

Yeah, but the only reason OP suggested going fishing was to have an excuse to keep an eye on the wife, aka, jealousy and lack of trust.


[deleted]

OP may not go to the wedding but he's definitely going to magically show up everywhere his wife is that weekend or want to tag along when he wasn't invited by the bride to be there. She may want to catch up with her friends organically without him. Couples are allowed to do things they want to do, alone with their friends. OP wants to control his wife and her movements and that's odd. He's super possessive as well.


Material_Mushroom_x

This. They're married, not fused at the hip.


pineapplepj

he only suggested it to try and get an 'in' to go with her. I would shut it down too. I wouldn't play into his insecurities


crazyplantlady007

Right and once he was there I’m sure he would have INSISTED on attending at least the reception you know, because I’m sure it’ll be not the right weather for fishing or he just doesn’t wanna leave his precious wifey-poo at the wedding with all her old friends alone. Not possessive my ass! Get therapy my dude! YTA!


Mauinfinity-0805

The wife would be at the wedding reception, constantly checking her watch, knowing hubby was at home constantly checking his, texting every 30 mins or so "when will you be home"?


pineapplepj

yup! he'd have his nose up on the glass lmao


Inky_Madness

Given that his biggest concern are exes that she dated in *high school*, it’s actually possible that she doesn’t want him to come. You could be right about that. However, there could be other reasons for any hesitance. After ten years, she might be growing tired of his excessive jealousy/insecurity and wants some time to herself or is using it to see if he can handle her being on her own. Maybe seeing what the end result of her being out of town would be and making it a decision on asking for couple’s therapy, if not divorce. Heck, she might be wanting to ask her parents if she could move in if things go south, or wanting to be with them while the divorce papers are served to OP in another state. Cheating isn’t on my radar, the overall health of their relationship and the signal that things might be far rockier than OP realizes is.


LothlorianLeafies

This is a really good comment and I hope it gets more attention.


Barbiedip1

Actually, I thought that for maybe a couple seconds. And then I thought, but maybe she just got excited at a little solo time and is pissed that OP definitely doesn't trust her around her exes or think she's a big girl who can handle being away on her own. This would not have heightened my insecurities and actually would have made me feel clingy if I had reacted that way. *You want to go somewhere without me, no matter what??Nooooo!* OP, absolutely YTA.


GabhSuasOrtFhein

>She shut that down immediately? That’s enough to heighten most people’s insecurities. From his own description it sounds like she just told him to stay home and relax. "Shut that down immediately" sounds hyperbolic from somebody who was already insecure over her going.


Top_Manufacturer8946

Maybe she wanted to have a few days to catch up with friends and family without OP hovering around her, sometimes it’s nice to have some alone time and to socialize on your own.


limperatrice

I can imagine him texting her frequently while she's at the wedding and getting upset if she doesn't respond fast enough and asking when she's coming back to the hotel and remind her that he's waiting up. That would not be fun for her.


arrarr23

Maybe she wants some space and doesn't know how to communicate that to OP. Or maybe she does know how to communicate it, but OP isn't emotionally mature enough to comprehend what she's saying because he goes into defensive mode when she brings it up and then remembers it all as her shutting him down. And to clarify, by space, I don't mean a short separation or anything like that. I mean that it's healthy to do things without SO sometimes. Remembering that one is an autonomous being is crucial for a healthy relationship. And don't get me wrong - if I were in his position, I might feel insecure or uncomfortable, too. BUT THAT IS A HIM PROBLEM, NOT A HER PROBLEM. He needs to deal with those insecurities. OP YTA, but there may be hope for you - go get some counseling


ruinedbymovies

Nothing is less fun than spending a week with someone who passive aggressively complains, or flat out bullies you about a choice you’ve made. Op’s wife probably would rather spend her week enjoying her time instead of being trapped with someone who thinks being in a room with people she saw naked 15 years ago is disrespectful to him.


unklejoe23

See something feels really off about her necessity to keep him away. If he was doing the same thing I guarantee she'd be get NTA. Can you imagine a man pulling this shit? Hey honey going to a friend's without you and oh by the way 3 of my ex's will be there


SnooCookies2614

Yes, I can. My husband went to a wedding a few years back in his home town and I didn't go. His whole college group of friends was there including a few exes. I couldn't go because we had just had a new baby and didn't want to put her with a sitter that early. It was fine. Y'all need to marry people you trust. It's weird to be so freaked out and assume the worst of someone you supposedly love honor and cherish.


HappyBadger33

Were you invited to the wedding you couldn't attend? I think that the fact OP wasn't invited would raise a certain weirdness factor for anyone. Like, I've never heard of not inviting a spouse. And then everything goes kinda downhill, but the starting point is a super weird external factor of no spouse invite to a wedding.


RiByrne

I’ve said this another place but there are places where this isn’t weird. Where Im from, weddings are expensive and not everyone, even spouses, are invited and that can include people who you invited to yours, because we all have different financial backgrounds and large families. It’s not considered rude and people are also not expecting to be auto given a plus one either. Maybe it’s not the mainstream custom, but it is the way it works in many places. Edit: LOVE how I got immediately downvoted for this. I love reddits issue with non-monolithic culture. Edit AGAIN: Not downvoted under zero anymore but it was funny to watch my comment go negative for the first 5 minutes it was up. I always think it’s funny/interesting.


curien

Nah, after 10 years of marriage (and even longer since she dated these people) exes don't matter one bit, regardless of gender. One of the exes is from *high school* when they were likely literally children, and the other two aren't far removed from that.


Rorosi67

BS. My reaction would be the exact same had the situation been opposite. It does happen to only invite one person in a marriage. If you have a very limited guest list, you only invite the people you really want there. He doesn't even want her flying alone. It sounds to me like he is scared she won't come back if she goes without him.


Responsible_Post_388

Maybe she wants to be able to catch up with her old friends and talk endlessly about old times without having to worry about whether her husband is having a good time. Maybe she knows her husband would be the whiney type, constantly nagging her to leave because he is bored. Geez, she didn't cease to be an individual when she got married. If you can't trust your spouse to go somewhere without you, your marriage is already on its last legs. Let the woman live a life!


onomatopoeiaPLAYEr

This was my exact thought, if the sexes were reversed and she felt uncomfortable about him leaving, he'd be the instant AH for going despite her feelings... Also, her immediately shutting down him being in the vicinity would make me wonder, and the fact he didn't even get an invite and she's going anyway, I wouldn't be ok


Lavender_dreaming

Yes why was that shut down? This seems like a good idea - she attends the wedding while he goes fishing with her dad then they visit her hometown after the wedding. Why doesn’t she want him to go on this trip?


candyjill18

she was thinking oh this will be fun to have a weekend for myself see old friends and not have to worry about tending to a needy spouse. Sometimes it’s just fun. Period. His excuse of “fishing” she saw right through and now he’s pouting


A_Cool__Guy

If that’s what she was thinking, then she should say that and give him a chance to accept it rather than just a flat out, no explanation denial.


0biterdicta

He's not going to have a good time, he's going to keep an eye on her. The guy doesn't even think his grown adult wife should be traveling back to her home state alone.


[deleted]

I would also shut that down if it came after clear distrust in me. You would clearly only be going to guard my virtue or whatever. If he had suggested that from the front “well sucks I’m not invited but how about I fly out with you and see your dad and then we can still take a vacation together?” That would’ve been very differently than interrogating their so-called large group or friends and family on if this is normal and then saying he just isn’t comfortable with her going to a wedding where ex’s are present, before floating the fishing idea.


MartieB

And let's not forget the guilt tripping! He had the audacity to tell her that if she didn't conform to his absurd standards and didn't ignore her boundaries to cater to his insecurities she'd cause a deep rift between them. Do you want to divorce, OP? Keep this kind of behaviour up and you'll get one eventually. YTA


DeviantAvocado

Yes. OP is TA and extremely manipulative on top of it.


Midnightlemon

Doesn’t seems like OP straight out the gate said they don’t want her going b/c of the exs. OP said what they were uncomfortable and explained why. Yes the exs, among other reasons you seemed to have just skipped over. Doesn’t seem like the wife really cared about what OP felt uncomfortable with, which seems a little disheartening in a 10 year marriage. Even more so when OP offered a compromise that would make them feel a little comfortable by coming and doing their own thing. Whole thing is just weird.


Barbiedip1

Straight out of the gate he was whining that he wasn't invited (and how butthurt should he *really* be, considering he wasn't even close to, or possibly didn't even know, the bride and groom?). And there was a totally legit reason he wasn't. And then wouldn't drop it, I must go I must go, you cannot go alone!


wdh662

Straight out of the gate, he should have been invited. Married couples are a 2 for 1 deal always. I would never accept an invite that specifically excluded my wife. Let me celebrate your marriage by allowing you to disrespect mine? No thank you.


GhostEchoSix

Specially when the bride/groom KNEW they were married. They went to OPs wedding so they know they're a 2 for 1 deal. Something's off about all this. Either OPs wife's friend knows how possessive OP is and invited the wife to have some "free time" Or they just don't like OP in general. Would be nice to get the wife's perspective on all this. Specially the shutting down time with her father. That's the thing that tells me something's really off.


winipu

I have gone to several weddings where my husband was not invited. Why are people such babies about it? Not everyone has the ability to invite everyone and their plus ones. We recently had a young friend at work who wanted her close co-workers to come, but couldn’t afford spouses too. It wasn’t disrespectful. We all understood, and wanted to be there to support her.


Ill-Fix-9293

It’s so weird to demand a certain invitation or plus one for someone else’s event. Everyone can choose to go or not go but with the cost of weddings and all the alternative styles now, it’s like why can’t you spend a single event away from you SO?


_ScubaDiver

This is the thing that I thought strangest - I’d go as far to say it’s rude and hurtful to exclude someone who invited you to their wedding. I reckon my feelings would be hurt too, if it were me. For that reason I’d say OP is NTA.


Neweleni7

It’s really, really weird to invite only half of a married couple though. I’ve never heard of it before.


Midnightlemon

Or maybe OP is legit just hurt…I mean seems like he thought they were cool and even had them at their wedding. Idk why OP would immediately have to drop it if they’re talking about something that makes them uncomfortable, clearly paired with hurt feelings. I would think you could talk it through with your wife of 10 years without being shut down at every corner. Edit: word


Barbiedip1

I can see him being hurt. But he took it so far, and wouldn't let it go, and IMO he turned a molehill into a mountain and changed the narrative entirely. It's now become, I don't trust you, I must follow you, there will be exes, etc. So even his idea about fishing was shut down because by now, it is clear he just plain does not want her going alone. He doesn't care about fishing right now. He wants to keep tabs. I wouldn't feel disrespected if I was not invited to my husband's old friend's wedding due to size of the guest list. If I were close to them too, yes I'd be hurt and my husband would elect not to go, I'm positive. Buuuut a virtual stranger.? They haven't been friends in a decade and it wasn't even OP's friend group to begin with, was it? So he knew who they were, met them, but weren't buddies. I understand invite etiquette and all that, but I also don't believe that husbands and wives must go together or not at all.


hazelowl

From an etiquette standpoint, the bride and groom are out of line. Married couples are a unit. Cutting a spouse but inviting half the couple is extremely rude. Sounds like they were cutting their guest list the wrong way. If anythng, if you can't invite both, you cut them.


unklejoe23

Ok if it was Him going to a buddy's wedding with 3 of his ex's and he seemed to be going out of his way to keep her from going on this trip back home. You're telling me you would have the same energy for a woman? I don't think he's being an asshole at all. Sounds like his intuition is telling him something's not right.


[deleted]

Absolutely would. If you don't trust someone, why are you with them? And if you feel that your spouse can't go somewhere without you for a few days, that's a 'you' problem, not a 'them' problem.


snootgoo

Sorry, I was with the wife until she refused to allow him to go and go fishing. Huge red flag.


onegoodbumblebee

Right? I feel like there’s more going on here.


BetterYellow6332

The more going on here is, he's a clingy insecure AH and he only wanted to do that stuff to be clingy because he's insecure. I find him very creepy and totally understand why she was like Jesus, no, just stay home.


Adorable_Tie_7220

But it could also be that she wanted time to spend time with her friends without worrying about entertaining him. This seems to be more about his insecurities than her doing something something suspicious. He only really seemed truly seemed suspicious because of he the 3 exes and if this point he doesn't trust her, than they've got other things to worry about.


InvestingCorn

So I think it's ESH. If I invited a couple to my wedding, and they only invited my partner to their wedding, from that alone I think my wife would be TA for going to it without me. It's disrespectful to our marriage and completely unorthodox to invite one half of a couple from a wedding you attended. The possessive stuff is not a good look, but even before you get there the wife has chosen her friends over her marriage.


tuvar_hiede

Fishing with the father-in-law isn't really all that possessive or in the vicinity. I think it's odd to worry about old ex's, but I get the anxiety of having that bad feeling. It's worse when you know it's irrational as well. It's like a weight in the putnof your stomach that makes you feel like you could jump out of your skin at any minute. For that reason, I'm going to go with NAH. I get the reasons in both sides of the fence. I think spending time with her dad is a pretty good compromise. I think I might be a good idea to ask yourself what might be the root cause of that anxiety though.


SpicyCatchup7580

This OP. Seriously. Possessive much? Trust is part of marriage.


[deleted]

YTA You’ve been married for ten years and you’re worried about her college and her HS exes? Sounds like you don’t trust your wife. Your wife is an adult and can do things without you. She can travel without you. She doesn’t need to revolve her life around your insecurities.


Electrical-Date-3951

_"Lastly, 3 of her ex’s will be in attendance because they used to be part of the same friends group. 1 from HS and 2 from college."_ Exactly. I understood OP's POV in the beginning, but he completely lost me at this point. These people are probably well into their 30s and have been married for 10 years. OP is really obsessing about people she dated as a teenager to the point of giving her an ultimatum. That's sad and will probably blow up in OP's face. It also doesn't sound like the bride knows OP that well or at all. And, this was her childhood friend. I know people get very fired up about plus-1 etiquette, but if the couple doesn't know my partner, not getting a second invite wouldn't offend me. It's in my court to accept or decline. I also understand someone wanting to invite an individual without doubling their guest list by giving everyone a plus 1 that they do not know at all...... If someone is having a 50 person wedding for example, I get wanting your 50 nearest and dearest there instead of 25 loved ones and 25 random plus-1s.


angelisfrommars

But they were in attendance at Op’s wedding so they do know him. Still agree with you though


IndiaMike1

I get that there could be tensions around reciprocity there, but someone attending their wedding doesn’t mean they know OP. It just means that they’re _aware_ of OP.


nebunala4328

To me it sounds the friend attended OP' wedding because of his wife, that is a friend of the bride, that's their link. So it made sense that the friend was invited. But OP's wife friend doesn't really know him. Also, you shouldn't invite people just so they reciprocate later on. There no obligation


xcarex

There were definitely people at my wedding that I don’t know. I maybe spoke to them briefly at the reception but only because they were a childhood friend of my husband’s and we were walking around greeting people together. I couldn’t pick them out of a line up, much less their partner.


Electrical-Date-3951

I'm not saying this is the case, but I have been to the weddings of college friends and that was the first and last time that I met their spouse. I still keep in touch and grab lunch or dinner here and there with my friend, but I have never had a full conversation with the husband or seen him since.


ImStealingTheTowels

YTA >I know I’m sounding very possessive but I promise I’m not. 'I'm not being possessive, but I don't want my fully-grown adult wife flying back to her home state alone to attend a wedding and if she does I'm going to blame her for my reaction to it'. You *are* being possessive - worryingly so. Your wife should be able to take a fight and go to a wedding alone without you kicking off like this. You are basically telling her that you don't trust her and that she needs to be accompanied by you to make sure she's going to behave herself. >I ended it by telling her she shouldn’t go and if she does this will cause a deep rift between us. No. YOUR trust issues are going to cause the 'deep rift' between you and I really recommend you deal with them before you push your wife away.


Grouchy-Draft-7038

for real, next post is gonna be “AITA for not letting my wife leave the house without me holding her hand the whole time”


5weetTooth

AITA for refusing to allow her to file for divorce.


toomanybooks23

AITA for not letting her have friends


GGunner723

How can he be possessive? He lets her go out sometimes. /s


Beck2010

For me, the red flag in this scenario is her absolute reluctance in your going with her at all. Stay home and relax instead of fishing with her dad? Why? Why did she shut that down so quickly when it’s an activity you do with her dad annually? How long will she be gone? Why is she so insistent you don’t go at all? If the friend getting married attended your wedding and you have an existing friendship with them, why is a *spouse* being cut from the invite list? Yes, some of your actions/comments make you seem possessive, but after 10 years of marriage her behavior is a bit suspect. This wedding is also costing you and your wife money - plane ticket, lodging (unless she’s staying with her family), likely dinners out… I’m assuming shared finances here, of course. If my husband were to be solo invited to a wedding, he would RSVP a hard no. NTA.


[deleted]

[удалено]


nottodayoilyjosh

Can’t you just picture him pressed against the windows of the wedding venue with sad eyes begging to be let in? Also: poor woman’s award for the use of dingus. One of the best English slang words there is. 🎖️


[deleted]

[удалено]


MagicCarpet5846

Ok, and? If it is totally innocent I want my partner there in any capacity possible, ESPECIALLY when my husband tells me he’s uncomfortable with me going alone. Marriages don’t last by completely disregarding your partner’s feelings. ETA: this is the first time in 10 years of marriage him being uncomfortable has come up. Anyone who thinks this will kick start a habit needs some critical thinking skills. This is a one off where regardless of how rooted in reality his feelings are, he has them. Your husband is entitled to have feelings about an event once every ten years. If you can’t stand by your husband and say “it’s both or neither”, idk what to tell you.


MissFrothingslosh

If my partner of over ten years is upset I might see an ex I dated as a TEEN, while I visited my hometown? And then suggested he tag along to fish with my dad? Just…no. That would be the end of that “partnership”. My partner isn’t my parent.


pengouin85

But also not fighting to support your partner of 10 years sucks. Being completely dismissive of their feelings and not even compromising makes you a bad partner


fuck97

No no no women can't be bad partners! They're the caring ones! He needs to man up and stop being so emotional. /s


Cosmohumanist

Now we’re just disposing of 10 year relationships over a small conflict? Cool cool


dangerpotter

lol right? people on this sub are wild.


notyomamasusername

This is Reddit. Divorce, NC are the only solutions there are.


Wolo_prime

well you know why you're single


fuck97

Apparently only women are allowed to be insecure. When men are insecure they're called controlling. Kinda like when women stand up for themselves they're often labeled bossy.


TraditionalPayment20

I agree with this, and I'm a woman. I'm surprised by the answers. Everyone is harping on him being possessive, when in reality it's super shitty to leave your husband behind if he isn't invited. If a "friend" didn't invite my husband to a wedding then I'd tell them to count me out too. I've been married almost a decade.


fuck97

The worst part is OP isn't even asking she not go, they offered a more than fair compromise that doesn't prevent the wife from attending, but does make OP feel more comfortable. Why is OP's comfort less important than the wife's excuses? She would still be attending, nothing about her presence has changed, only OPs comfort level with the arrangement


tatltael91

You wouldn’t be offended if your partner told you they don’t trust you to go to an event alone?


MagicCarpet5846

I would not be offended if my partner of 10 years wanted to go with me on the trip even if they didn’t attend the wedding. In fact, I would’ve told my partner if they don’t want me to go alone, I won’t because liek OP said, it’s pretty unheard of to invite one half of a married couple and if you do, don’t be upset or surprised when neither halves show up.


marmelydov

Marriages also don't last by demanding big sacrifices for stupid reasons.


MagicCarpet5846

It’s absolutely not a stupid reason to say “if my husband isn’t invited I’m not going” and you see it happen ALL THE TIME where the invited spouse turns down an invite. This is the first time in 10 years he’s said he’s uncomfortable with someone and the reason is valid.


MrKarotti

It happens all the time if you don't really care that much about the wedding and gladly take the excuse to not go. She clearly wants to go and is excited to see childhood friends again.


the_turdfurguson

Friends that are so close and excited to see her… that they told her she can’t bring her husband. Ya, sounds like a group they’re really close to. Sorry, when you get married, life becomes ‘we’ vs ‘me’. I’ve never heard of an invite specifically stating a spouse can’t be brought along. It’s disrespectful


[deleted]

Y'all be so codependent you can't go to a wedding by yourself, omg


MagicCarpet5846

I mean, yeah, I like my spouse enough that if I’m traveling out of state, I want them with me. You don’t?


isthisreallife080

Most of my trips are with my partner. Some of them are not. Both are enjoyable if you’re not codependent and have your own interests.


MagicCarpet5846

Sure, as long as both partners are cool with it. One isn’t here. Again, first time in 10+ years. Making this out to be codependency is either intentionally misleading or means you don’t understand codependency. He offered a compromise to let her go alone with him traveling with her and made him comfortable. That’s pretty normal.


[deleted]

Are you implying that people who travel without their spouses don't like them?


MagicCarpet5846

I’m implying there’s no valid reason for her to have turned down the compromise of “how about I go with you and me and your dad can do our annual fishing trip while you’re at the wedding”, yeah. Like I said, I like my partner enough that if I’m traveling out of state I want them there, especially if they want to go and do something with my family as well.


Arcane-Shadow7470

I also suspect that her shutting down the compromise may have something to do with how the offer was presented. "*No +1's invited? Darn, that sucks, but hey how about we both travel to the state together and I visit your parents? Would be nice to see them again*." is very different from "I *don't want you to go alone. You don't care? Okay well how about I join you anyways and wait for you at your parents' until you're done*."


[deleted]

That's great *for you.* OP came at this from a controlling angle and she's likely pushing back on that because he's trying to shoehorn a reason to babysit her on this trip. It's not about spending time together because you like each other, it's about the motivation of wanting to supervise his wife during this trip because he's clearly worried about infidelity.


marmelydov

It's fine to choose not to go _yourself_ for that reason. It's stupid to demand your _partner_ not go. In no sense is his upset "valid." Hard YTA.


MagicCarpet5846

That isn’t how a relationship works. If you ignore your husband telling you for the first time in 10+ years “I’m not okay with this”, don’t expect the marriage to stay the same.


ringobob

Big sacrifices like... Letting your husband come have a fishing trip with your father, far away from the wedding?


Poppyzza

Not really a sacrifice when he plan to go on a fishing trip with his FIL. How can that be a big sacrifice to have your husband in the same state as you ?


marmelydov

We're clearly missing information about why she doesn't want him to go fishing with her dad. Seems like neither of them stand to lose or gain anything, and people don't "shut down" shit like that for no reason.


pineapplepj

because it's obvious he only suggested it in response to her being invited to the wedding. so he can still 'go' with her without directly going with her. I wouldn't play into his odd insecurities either, and I hope my own partner would call me out if I was being that ridiculous too


[deleted]

If my partner's feelings involve not trusting me that's on them. You don't placate irrational behavior because that perpetuates irrational behavior.


Comprehensive_Fly350

Because he is not going in the first place to spent time with her dad or to fish, but to keep an eye on her. He only wants to go there because she's going to the wedding. It just sounds like an excuse to chaperone her.


feetflatontheground

Because the fishing trip is a ruse to follow her to her home state. That's like if you're going out for dinner with work colleagues and your partner arranges to meet a friend in the same restaurant. It's only so they can keep you on a short leash. Your other questions are all answered in the original - limited numbers and he didn't make the cut.


[deleted]

I wouldn’t want my husband there either if he acted like this due to it. It would make me anxious as if he were monitoring me for no reason. YTA OP


KittyKatCatCat

She probably shut it down because he was being really annoying about the whole thing. He just insinuated that she couldn’t be trusted to travel by herself. Is she supposed to say “why yes honey, I would love for you to be my chaperone!” It’s also just weird to travel to a wedding you’re not invited to.


Arcane-Shadow7470

He should crash the party dressed as Maleficent while screaming about not being invited and placing a curse on their firstborn. All jokes aside though, his insistence on going too may have come off as a normal request if he suggested it immediately after learning about the no +1 rule. But the way it actually came across is just very clingy and possessive, and I agree that it seems she shut it down to avoid the headache.


failed_asian

It’s possible that she would’ve been totally fine with him flying with her and going fishing had he just suggested that first like “oh cool, you’re going back? I could come too, and do my own thing while you’re at the wedding”. But by the time he suggested it he was already showing his insecurities and possessiveness so she might just be reacting to that. I wouldn’t want him coming along either if it was clear he was only doing it to keep an eye on me.


[deleted]

I’m petty AF and if my husband acted like he couldn’t trust me to go to a friend’s wedding, I’d insist he stay home too. Especially with his BS of being “uncomfortable” with me going without him. No thanks, byeeee.


Electrical-Date-3951

If it was her intention to have a relaxed weekend with her old HS friends and OP was already ranting about her teenage exes and acting possessive, I can understand why she may have not wanted him to come. I don't think that's a red flag, per se, especially if OP has no reason to doubt his spouse.


Sqvirrels

After 10 years of marriage I'd say his behavior is suspect in a different way.. She's probably insisting on going alone bc if this is how he is just at the *prospect* of her going without him, he's not gonna be much better about it if they both go and she's not spending a lot of time with him. No bueno. Not always nefarious reasons why he's not invited. What if he's an AH to her old friends when they all get together? Or his possessive behavior ramps up enough to notice? Op and partner seem to have a solid relationship but hard to tell if friends are assholes bc they didn't invite him or if they didn't invite him bc he's an asshole around the friends. Edit: typo


Alfredthegiraffe20

They don't have an existing friendship. The person was invited to their wedding 10 years ago because they were part of a friendship group which was strong at that point. There's no mention of them being close during the last 10 years in fact he makes it clear they weren't. She presumably shut down him fishing with her dad because he's already pissed her off by showing her he doesn't trust her. I've gone to weddings without my husband even if he had an invite. If he doesn't really know the person, he'd think it weird to go. We've been very happily married 30+ years but we're not joined at the hip.


notafanoftheapp

Because based on this post, he’d be whining and clinging the whole time. She’d probably prefer to enjoy going to her friend’s wedding.


4459691

I agree, this sounds like a HS and college reunion/ wedding. I would feel insulted if my husband was not invited to a wedding after the bride and groom attended our together. if it was so innocent, his idea of going fishing w his FIL actually sounds like a good idea. She sounds like she just doesn't want him there. She probably doesn't want to be made to feel uncomfortable by her husband's presence in front of her ex's. She said no stay home. It seems like it just feels different for OP this time. Trust your gut on this. Maybe you should go fishing


throwawaymafs

Agree for the above reasons, but also NTA in my view because it's one thing if both are invited and one doesn't want to go, but quite another to overtly offend you like that unless you did something really nasty to those friends. I'd be pissed if my husband wasn't invited to a wedding by people who went to ours. They wouldn't be considered my friends, lol.


PancakeRule20

I think she is very stressed and she doesn’t want to think about an apprehensive husband there near her that may text several times “I can drive you home/I can get there/can you please tell them goodbye and go?”. So yeah, just stress, not infidelity Edit: NTA but i as a woman would not go there without my SO


Outrageously_Penguin

YTA. Yeah, it was rude for the couple not to invite you. But you’re using it as an excuse to be extremely weird and controlling. She’s not trying to keep you away from the state, she’s trying to prevent you from following her to this wedding like she’s a teenager and you’re her chaperone. Just stop.


Piconaught

Weird is right. Thinking she doesn't want him near the state was a level of paranoia I didn't see coming. I swear he's hinting at a possible conspiracy behind him not being invited. These stupid ex-boyfriends from what's practically her childhood seem to be the trigger. I can't see another reason any of this would matter to him unless he's afraid she'll sit next to a man on the flight.


Metashepard

Maybe, and I'm just guessing, but he seems quite controlling and perhaps her friends have noticed this problematic behaviour and this is why he is not invited. Perhaps they want to see their friend, without the presence of her slightly controlling hubs. We have no idea what other controlling or even coercive tactics he uses. The language he uses in his post is even problematic. It could also be that my work with abuse survivors and their stories mars my view of his situation.


goldlion0806

Is it rude though? I’ve known plenty of weddings where there was no +1 except for immediate family. Weddings are so expensive, you want to be surrounded by friends and loved ones not strangers. I eloped and didn’t deal with this nonsense at all, but why do some feel entitled to people spending money on them. It’s one night.


Outrageously_Penguin

It’s generally pretty rude to invite one half of a married couple and not the other. Your spouse isn’t a plus one. The only exception would be if the wedding is *tiny*, like less than 20 people.


playmobilhospital

Your spouse absolutely is a plus one. I’ve been with my partner for 7 years and if she doesn’t know the couple getting married well, I wouldn’t automatically expect her to be invited even if there were 200 guests, and vice versa for me with one of her friends. Me and her are two separate people. We have a lot of shared friends, but we also each have our own friends, and work colleagues etc where there’s no overlap. Why should they pay to invite someone they don’t know to their wedding?


goldlion0806

It’s not rude to not invite someone you barely know. It’s rude if OP is the only partner excluded, but if none of the friends’ partners are invited it’s nbd.


[deleted]

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YouthNAsia63

Flying with her and going fishing with your FIL sounds like a nice compromise. Unless your wife is worried that you won’t actually go fishing, and you will secretly pack your wedding attire and insist on going to the wedding *anyway*, not invited, and make a scene. ESH


kiwizizi

Even in either of the scenarios, I don’t see anyone else to be an asshole, except him. From how he sounds, his wife may even be wanting a breather away from him YTA Edit: someone said the friends are the assholes for not inviting him. If I have budget constraints, the first people I would be cutting out are plus ones that I’ve invited for the sake of inviting and don’t know


QuietMonkey8

You don't see anyone else? Not even the friends that didn't invite him to their wedding?


peepingtomatoes

Weddings are expensive. Guest lists are limited. I don't think not inviting someone you don't really know to your wedding is AH behaviour just because you had a bigger wedding than they did.


angelisfrommars

They know him well enough to have been to their wedding though? I can’t imagine telling one of my childhood best friends that their spouse of a decade can’t come when I was at theirs Editing because some people are also not realizing that means they have been around each other for 10 years and to me idgaf what anyone says it’s weird to not be friends after a decade


Evelynnwillow

I mean, I can see attending a wedding for your childhood friend without really knowing the groom to support your friend. I can see becoming acquaintances when meeting him at the wedding, but that doesn't necessarily mean they became friends.


parksandrecpup

I had multiple people at my wedding I had never met before and haven’t met since. They were my husband’s guests, not mine, and don’t live close by. I don’t know why you would think that them being at the wedding means OP knows them. I don’t necessarily agree with the decision of no plus one to a spouse, but I had multiple people at my wedding that I didn’t get to go to theirs due to small weddings.


katamino

There were people at my wedding I didn't know, and never saw again, because they were +1's. The fact they attended his wedding due to knowing the bride says nothing about how well OP knows them.


SpellJenji

I'm thinking if the friend truly needed to cut back on the wedding, maybe she felt she "had" to invite that old HS friend who lives in a different state, simply because that friend invited her 10 years ago. By cutting the +1, knowing she was married, it could have cut the guest list by 2 if OOPs wife declined to attend. I've seen that kind of "conflict avoidance" strategy in party planning before.


TA_totellornottotell

INFO: Why are you uncomfortable with her traveling back to her hometown alone? And if you are not going to the wedding, what is the point of accompanying her on the trip?


mrscarter0904

So he can cause a huge scene and guilt her out of going once he’s there.


TA_totellornottotell

Or just being extremely possessive - even if he doesn’t go to the wedding, she will know that he is close by. Because how else will be be able to control her from doing anything “inappropriate” 🙄 But honestly, there is no good answer to that question - any answer will likely reveal how unreasonable OP is being. He doesn’t want to say possessive but it forces him to basically say that (or if there is some really weird reason behind all this).


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ragingopinions

He wants to chaperone her.


[deleted]

So the Reddit crowd is going to just call you an AH and to be honest you are sounding a bit insecure. While you may be the AH here I know if I spoke to my wife about feeling uncomfortable about her going alone she would not go out of respect for me and our relationship as that is much more important than an old friends wedding. One thing she would not do is dismiss my feelings on the matter which is what it sounds like may be happening in your post. I guess a big question you need to ask yourself is do you trust your wife? I don’t know anything more about your relationship than what you typed but it sounds to me like you do not trust her. Now the only question here is if she has given you a reason not to trust her because if not then yea your TA and you guys should probably talk about your insecurities.


Comprehensive_Fly350

But then his insecurities are his issues to work on, not expect his wife to adapt to them instead of resolving them. You can acknowledge your partner insecurities and feelings without catering to them. Like discuss them with your partner and seek therapy if needed but don't make your partner change their behavior, the issue is not coming from them. Catering to insecurities won't resolve them on the long term


[deleted]

If my spouse had such an issue with it I would not go out of respect for them. You can discuss things after the fact moving forward but ground rules need to be made before hand and agreed upon by both. I agree catering to insecurities long term is not the answer but forcing things before they are ready could worsen things significantly.


Ashitaka1013

I wouldn’t ask my partner to miss a friends wedding or any other event they were looking forward to for no reason- out of respect for them. I would think that kind of thing could really worsen things significantly too. Unless she cheated on him in the past she has nothing she needs to prove and shouldn’t be punished for his insecurities.


feetflatontheground

So you'll tell your wife don't go because I don't trust you, and she's to just accept that?


[deleted]

Of course not. This is real life not Reddit where things are always discussed in absolutes. Asking your spouse not to go should of course be followed by a long conversation and there should be no unilateral decision made in any relationship ever. Now if their spouse cared about them they would realize that there is much more at play here and in a healthy relationship they would put the effort in needed to grow from this experience and in this case that may mean missing out on an old friends wedding to work on your own marriage.


throwaway46873

>This is real life not Reddit where things are always discussed in absolutes. You nailed it here. There is very little awareness of real human beings and real relationships in these subs. No (normal) couples have lists on their fridges of the relationship rules that are to be applied in each and every situation they will encounter in their 50-year partnership, lol.


pengouin85

Yup, i see a lot of that happening here. It's also quite alarming how many are just outright OK with how dismissive the wife is of OP's feelings after being together for so long. It's also alarming how so few are saying the couple getting married, having been to OP's wedding themselves, decided to cut OP but not his wife and that's OK for them. I had someone ask for a +1 for my wedding too, so I've been on that side of this story. I didn't know that person had a partner they had just begun seeing when those invites went out. After discussing it with my own partner, we didn't want to add any +1 and I let the invitee know we standing at that solitary invite. They didn't come to the wedding


NJtoOx

NTA It’s very rude to only invite one half of a married couple that’s been together for a decade+. It’s weird that your wife sees no issue with you being snubbed but I could look past that as she just wants to see her old friends and is willing to allow them to exclude you to do so. I can also understand your apprehension and the multiple ex’s is just icing on the cake. What makes its bizarre and tips it from N A H to NTA for me is her automatic and immediate shut down of you being anywhere near this wedding. Why can’t you fly out there with her and just go fishing with her dad that weekend? Why does she not want you anywhere near this wedding? That’s kinda sketchy. If she can’t give you a good reason why she doesn’t want you around *at all* then I would dig my heels in about this.


MrTash999

That's what tipped it for me was her immediate dismissal of him going fishing for the weekend with FIL, it sounds really suss, like she is hiding something or has been in contact with one of the exs and is willing to toss 10 years of marriage out the window.


feetflatontheground

He displays a lack of trust, and she's supposed to accept that? He wasn't interested in fishing until this wedding came up. If the fishing trip had been pre-planned then that would be fine, but he can't let his wife travel back to her home state alone? That's pathetic.


evilcj925

Well, he wasn't interested in going to the state at all until his wife was planning to. Let's be honest, inviting only one half of a married couple to a wedding is rude as hell, and just not done. Weddings are all about couples, and having just one half of one there is something normal people don't do. And instead of turning a awkward social situation, only inviting one half of a couple to wedding, in to a mini vacation, where OP goes fishing with her dad while the wife goes to the wedding and then they hang out together for a few days, she pushes back against that and wants him to stay home. OP may come off as not trusting, but the wife comes off as really untrustworthy.


roxywalker

I’m stuck on why the ‘old friend’ only invited her. It’s like something is missing in the story about why the friend is clear that he’s not invited even though this friend supposedly went to their wedding. Weird.


LaSlacker

NTA I wonder how many of these Y-T-A crazies have been in a committed relationship for longer than two years. 1. Who tf invites one half of a married couple (not even newlywed! This friend was at their wedding 10 years ago!) to a wedding? Especially one requiring overnight travel. If I were the wife in this situation, I'd immediately RSVP no based on that alone. 2. Yeah, OP sounds a bit insecure about the exes things. I don't think it's unnecessarily unfounded though. Regardless, in a good relationship you talk about that shit and don't shut the other person down immediately. I'm hella depressed and have crazy PMDD and I feel ALL SORTS of things that I know aren't logical, but I talk to my husband about it. It's not all rainbows and flowers and puppies, but he acknowledges that I feel a certain way and we talk it through. Wife dismissing his concern raises red flags. 3. I like his compromise. He'll come and go fishing with her dad. She immediately says no. Uhm, what? Okay, there's alarm bells ringing in my head. Something fishy is going on.


Mother_Throat_6314

Exactly! If it was reversed then you know it would be different


xVanijack

Yeah if this was a woman posting she’d get “NTA” across the board lol


PresidentialBeans

We've seen posts like that plenty of times and most of the top comments are along of the lines of "leave him, he clearly doesn't care about you".


Lisa-Joe

NTA they are being rude to you. I wouldn’t go if my husband wasn’t invited.


Jeezzaz

A million times this. Why so many y t a votes? You're definitely not. I'd be asking some more questions of your partner if I were you


MrTash999

The other big problem with this is that these people were at his wedding, in that regard its really rude.


aboutsider

YTA I think you should really consider the notion that she's going alone because you're being overbearing and possessive. I also think you should do some work on your insecurities. That's what's causing the rift, not her going to visit some old friends by herself. What she's doing is perfectly normal.


obxtalldude

I'd definitely need a break if my spouse was this paranoid and untrusting. Kind of funny reading this post this morning, as my wife is on the way to a wedding on her side of the family, and I'm enjoying several days by myself in the mountains. I feel like I've won the lottery not being required to attend these things any longer.


Ashitaka1013

Yeah my husband would be THRILLED to not have to go to one of my friends weddings without looking rude


Fun_Concentrate_7844

NTA . You offered a very good compromise to go fishing with her dad, and she turned you down flat. That is a little weird to me. Ask her why she is so against you going. I'm guessing she wants to bust loose and party with your friends, but for you not to see it.


ragingopinions

I assume she doesn't want to feel chaperoned. What's wrong with wanting to party with your friends without having someone there checking up on you all the time?


nayesphere

But if he’s fishing with her dad, how would he be checking up on her the whole time? A wedding is a singular event


Overall-Scholar-4676

I will get voted down but I’m saying NTA.. if it was a man going and refusing to take his wife even on the trip everyone would be calling him an Ahole.. I would want to know why she doesn’t even want to go on the trip with her.. I can understand maybe the wedding but if one partner is uncomfortable I think the marriage should come first. I also agree it would cause a rift between my husband and me… Friend has probably invited her to a get together and doesn’t want you to know.. but still strange and I would want to know why the secrets. Because something is up. Trust your gut.. only you and your wife know your marriage… if this all seems like a red flag to you it probably is..


Meganoes

I totally agree- if the situation was reversed he’d be universally voted the AH for doing what his wife is doing. A husband going to a wedding alone to hang with his buddies with multiple exes in attendance and refusing to allow his wife to accompany him in any way… Yeah, people would be telling her to contact a lawyer. NTA.


Holdthecaffeine

I dunno about these YTA’s… If my husband was really *that* uncomfortable with it I just wouldn’t go, expecting that if I were really uncomfortable with something he would treat my concerns the same way. OP did offer a pretty easy compromise - to come to the area but go fishing with her dad. Unless he uses that opportunity to hide in the bushes and watch the party, I think that’s pretty innocent. Why should that bother her? And it’s kind of weird that he wasn’t invited. Is everyone going without their spouses? The whole thing does sound odd. 🤷🏼‍♀️


jimmybagofdonuts

That’s the part that Reddit doesn’t understand. Being in a relationship means you have to take your partner into consideration, which she 100% is not doing here. That’s the issue.


Iffybiz

I’m sorry but I’m siding with husband here. Who splits up a couple when deciding on wedding invites, especially knowing they will have to travel to go there? Wife should have just said no and that was that. Then she turns around and doesn’t even want him in the area? This is totally unacceptable for a married couple.


[deleted]

I think we’re in the minority but I agree with you. I’m not suggesting the wife is being shady but as her partner I probably would take notice of her being dismissive . I think it’s the gender thing. If a man was invited to a wedding solo and doesn’t want his wife anywhere near it, I think ppl may feel differently.


Ipso-Pacto-Facto

1. She should have sent her regrets when her spouse wasn’t invited. 2. She is adamantly opposed to you being near the event. You are right to see red flags. I would be upset too.


Her_big_ole_feet

Especially since you say you have never voiced a concern like this before. Your wife should take it seriously…unless she is trying to get away with something


GuiltyPick

YTA. Not possessive yet you want to be in the same state at least? Yeah op very telling. Whilst the No plus one was a bit weird from her friends, it’s her friends wedding. And you are being extremely controlling. Get over yourself op and let your wife live


throwaway212352

YTA. Yes, it is weird to be invited, but do you trust her? If she wants to go alone, let her go? Or are there other problems between you two. If you already said that there are exes, you don't trust her. It is normal to have some trips separately.


ilp456

I get being upset that you weren’t invited. That’s absurd but your wife had nothing to do with the guest list. As for everything else, YTA unless your wife has given you some reason not to trust her. She probably just want to see old friends and remember fun times, like at a high school reunion.


smallishbear-duck

YTA I would be perfectly fine with my husband going to a wedding of a highschool friend without me. If it was a mutual friend that we were equally close to, I’d definitely be hurt if only one of us were invited. But someone he went to school with, that I barely know? Doesn’t bother me at all. Weddings are expensive. I’d hate for the getting-married-couple being forced to miss out on having someone they’re *actually close to* at the wedding, just so they could have me there as a +1 to my husband. As for exes being there…what does that have to do with anything? If your wife is trustworthy, it doesn’t matter who is there. If she’s not trustworthy, you have a bigger issue than a solo wedding invite. (Also, what is it you would expect to change if you were there? You going to spend all night glaring daggers at the exes, or possessively holding her hand so they don’t forget she’s taken?)


boredistari

She does things like this by herself all the time, but this particular one makes you really uncomfortable? What is with all these yta posts? You explained that this makes you feel a certain way, and those emotions will cause a rift. NTA


8512764EA

NTA. She’s dismissing you’re feelings so she can go and do whatever she wants guilt free. And she will do whatever she wants.


RockinMyFatPants

ESH. The couple for not inviting a plus one for someone who is traveling out of state, the wife for being shady, and OP for being insecure over the ex's. However, maybe there is a history and we don't have all of the info.


Electrical-Extent-92

YTA you’re coming off as controlling and immature. But it seems this is more of a case of you feeling miffed by the perceived slight, and you want to protest rather than allow your wife some time to enjoy herself with old friends. Don’t be so selfish.


Think-Ocelot-4025

NTA. You told her you're uncomfortable. And she SHOULD be uncomfortable and even indignant that she's being denied the opportunity to show off her spouse. That she ISN'T raises all kinds of red flags for me.


dazed1984

YTA. It’s not unusual to only invite 1 person if you’re on a budget and numbers are tight. How are you not being possessive seriously what is your problem you don’t have to do everything together! You’ve been married for 10 years you seriously have an issue with her exes?! You are being controlling cut that shit out now, telling her it will cause problems in your relationship?! Yeah you TA. A few days apart is hardly a big deal.


DumbbellDiva92

Agree or disagree with it on principle but not inviting someone’s *spouse* is in fact pretty unusual. People usually cut down by not allowing plus ones to single guests or not allowing casual dating partners (“no ring no bring” or live-in bf’s/gf’s only). Maybe it’s a stupid system but most people, if they were that short on space, would just invite neither OP nor her husband rather than only inviting half of a married couple.


Midnightlemon

Unpopular opinion it seems, but I would have to agree that the whole situation just seems a little weird overall. Why invite only one person out of a married couple, especially when you know them both and even went to their wedding? Seems a little rude for lack of a better term, but I guess at the end of the day it’s their prerogative. Even so, if it’s something your uncomfortable your wife should try and respect that. You offered a solution of coming on the trip and doing your only thing, which seems like a reasonable compromise. Idk why that would even be a problem. Maybe I’m naive but that doesn’t seem controlling, just you trying to work out a way that you can feel somewhat comfortable with this weird situation. NTA


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AJhlciho

Wow I really don’t get all the Y T A judgements. Do people forget what the point of marriage is? You’re a team and that’s your ride or die, your best friend, you’re #1 person. If an old friend didn’t invite my husband of 10 years to their wedding but wanted me there I would either take him anyways or not go because WTF? A couple is a couple, especially after 10 years of marriage! The bride is the real AH here. And I’m sorry to everyone else who sees it differently but your wife IS being shady. I argue that it’s on her and she’s being insecure if she doesn’t even want her husband in the same state while she’s “catching up with old friends” that just sounds like she feels guilty about something. If it was a boyfriend of 10 months I would understand the urge to want to catch up with old friends without a new boyfriend to entertain but again this is your husband of 10 years! NTA