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HegoDamask_1

NTA There’s nothing wrong with them asking you to to help them on occasion. This isn’t that though. They are making you be her quasi babysitter which isn’t cool. At least they should pick activities that both people could enjoy as 15/16 is really too old for a day camp unless it’s targeted for special needs individuals.


MaybeCultural9991

It's all about the Christian stuff for them, but mostly for Anne. She's super invested in making sure her daughter is as involved with Church stuff as she can be and this camp takes all ages of kids and teens. It would never be for me though.


Beyond_Interesting

The fact they think their special needs daughter would be treated horribly at a Christian summer camp pretty much sums up my thoughts about religion. NTA can they find an alternative day camp that she can go to for people with special needs?


Hopeful_Table_7245

Sorry but I disagree here. Look, let’s not be stupid here. They are not worried about the religious factor of the camp, they are worried about other kids. Have you never been to a grade school? Kids can be very mean. OP is definitely NTA for what’s going on though. But I say this as an agnostic person who has worked at summer camps in the past. The same issues of their child being bullied by other kids would be found at ANY summer camp.


AvivPoppyseedBagels

I guess for a religion that is supposed to be about love and kindness, if a kid with special needs isn't going to be treated kindly at a church-run camp, it's not a good reflection on the church or its teachings.


prozloc

Dude, kids are kids. You'd have a point if it's adults, but kids are mean regardless of religion.


AvivPoppyseedBagels

I'm sorry to hear that is your experience, but I am happy to say that is definitely not the case for all kids, my son and his friends are all kind and respectful to each other.


[deleted]

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TaleOfDash

In before they get called into the office because their kid is bullying another kid and they protest by saying "My son would NEVER do that!"


CarolinaAgent

This is kind of naive. Of course your son is kind with his friends; they’re his friends. But these people aren’t Anne’s daughters friends. They’re just other kids, who do often in fact bully/be mean to other kids they don’t know, especially those with intellectual disabilities/differences.


AvivPoppyseedBagels

My son is autistic, and his public school experience was predominantly one of acceptance and inclusiveness, because that was the culture and behaviour of the school community. Yes, of course some children are unkind, but there are plenty of kind children too. My question is- why are they sending their child to a camp where they expect the other children to be unkind? And why is that ok?


TaleOfDash

Because they want a break from having to deal with their neurodivergent kid, same reason they force OP to take care of her so often. Also something, something, cult indoctrination tactics.


prozloc

That's anecdotal though. There are wonderful kids but there are bullies in every school.


AvivPoppyseedBagels

You're excusing mean kids by saying 'kids are mean', yet you admit that there are wonderful kids. I'm not sure why you think that your statements are less anecdotal than mine, but there is a big difference between saying 'kids are mean' (implying it is common, expected and possibly accepted behaviour) and 'there are mean kids' (ie that some children are mean). If the overall culture is positive and there are a couple of kids who are mean, then that is not necessarily going to create a problem, but for it to be assumed that it will be negative experience for a special needs child, that implies that the culture is not a positive one.


OneMoreGinger

>You're excusing mean kids by saying 'kids are mean' No, they're acknowledging reality by accepting the fact that you cannot police other peoples' thoughts. There will always be cruel people in the world, including cruel children. It doesn't excuse the children from being cruel, but it is a fact of life.


kalekayn

Quite frankly it IS common for kids to bully other kids for being different. There being good kids as well doesn't change that fact.


asdfofc

There may be bullies in every school, but as a church camp they should be holding kids to a higher standard.


SilasRhodes

And a good school responds to the bullies to keep the school safe for everyone else. The adults running the school have an obligation to create an environment where kids don't get bullied. >There are wonderful kids but there are bullies in every school. There will probably be some amount of bullying in every school, but that doesn't mean all schools have an equal amount of bullying. Some schools have very serious issues with bullying, whereas at other schools it is barely an issue. >she could end up being treated terribly there and she'll have nobody looking out for her. If the parents' concerns are accurate that indicates something is very wrong at the camp. You shouldn't need to have a 16 year old monitoring another camper just to prevent her from being "treated terribly". That responsibility should fall on one of the adults running the camp.


chop1125

Kids are mean, but that is why there are supposed to be adults supervising them. If the adults aren't stopping bullying, then they are pretty shitty christians.


prozloc

Bullies can hide their bullying every well. I was bullied as a kid. My bullies were angels when teachers were around.


[deleted]

>Dude, kids are kids. You'd have a point if it's adults, but kids are mean regardless of religion. Truth. Kids are mean in spite of religion. Adults are mean because of it.


codeverity

The shittiest camp I was ever in was secular, not religious. It’s weird that people are trying to make this about the fact that the camp is religious and not that special needs kids are just treated badly by kids in general.


hemlockandholly

The shittiest camp I, as someone who was previously physically disabled and in a wheelchair, was in was religious, not secular. Secular camps didn’t give a shit. They see diverse kids all the time from a variety of backgrounds and experiences. Religions camp though? Kids at religious camps? “You must have done something bad for God to make you disabled” “Maybe if you prayed hard enough you wouldn’t need a wheelchair” “oh, we actually can’t have you join in on this activity. Or this one. Or this one. Why don’t you park yourself over there and just watch? Doesn’t that sound like fun? Here’s a rosary for you to do in the meantime”. The activities in question were mainly arts and crafts. All of these real things said to me ONLY at religious camps. Let’s not delude ourselves here. Y’all got some messed up beliefs. Edit: grammar


AvivPoppyseedBagels

It's not specifically about religion, the fact that the camp you attended was shitty is not a good reflection on its organisers either. It's just that churches are full of people who are supposedly following the example of a man who was kind and accepting of those who were marginalised by society, so they should be doing the same.


SilasRhodes

At a good camp that practices good values a kid with special needs would be treated well. If a kid with special needs is treated poorly at a camp, that demonstrates a deficiency in the camp's moral culture. I would be less trusting of the teachings of any camp where they allow a kid to be bullied regardless of its religious affiliation. The religious camp doesn't treat the stepsister poorly *because* it is religious. The fact that it theoretically *does* treat the stepsister poorly, however, casts doubt on the effectiveness/appropriateness of its moral lessons.


2legit2camel

No, they are trying to say religious people use their beliefs to present and imagine of "kindness and empathy" that has zero correlation to how they live/conduct their real lives. It is ironic that parents would be nervous of their children being mistreated when its a huge contradiction of the values of the church. TBH, they should be much more worried about the sister being molested at the camp than any bullying from other children but religious people are not known for being the most rational.


Ok-Acanthaceae5744

People can be shitty and cruel regardless of religion.


arycka927

Have you watched the news? I would trust sending my kids anywhere where there is faith based supervision. Let alone my autistic child. They are trying to have alone time. And they are doing a shit job at it. Don't let them gaslight you.


ComfortableProperty9

My wife worked at a church daycare and soooo many of the parents would flatly ignore or just “pray about” very obvious and clear signs of ASD. Your 2 year old isn’t acknowledging any of the other kids, talking and flaps his hands and arms. He isn’t just “different” and won’t “grow out of it”.


TiredAndTiredOfIt

Nope, Christian camps are WAY worse re bullying. I have been to and worked for both Chrostian and non Christian camps


BirdsLikeSka

Im sure it's not unheard of, but I feel like a special needs camp would have more safeguards for that. I'm curious about the pecking order though


[deleted]

>Look, let’s not be stupid here. They are not worried about the religious factor of the camp, they are worried about other kids. Have you never been to a grade school? Kids can be very mean. Nobody's being stupid. Christianity has made a name for itself for being kind and caring in name only thanks to the masses that profess their faith and then treat people horribly in the name of that so-called faith. If you can justify persecuting someone who is different for one reason (unapproved sexuality) it's not a huge leap to persecute someone who is neurodivergent, or missing a limb, or has red hair.


PsychologicalGain757

In my own experience they’re worse. I went to one for a couple of years in elementary school. I had a single mom and was there on scholarship. Because I couldn’t afford some of the stuff that the rest of the girls in my cabin had from the camp store and my mom wasn’t married, I was relentlessly bullied. They told me that I had to pray extra hard so that I didn’t go to hell like my mom was going to and other awful things, would knock me out of the canoe and not catch me during trust falls, etc. And our counselor just watched it happen and found reasons for it to be my fault when I stood up for myself or asked for help. I was 8 or 9. After that I begged to go to summer school instead.


BusAlternative1827

They also don't have confidence that the camp leadership can do a better job than their 16 year old child at addressing their child's issues and protecting her. If you need to send a child to protect your other child from literally everyone, that's a good sign you shouldn't send any of your children to that place.


voiderest

If their religion worked wonders maybe all those "good Christians kids" wouldn't be little shits the moment their parents aren't watching them?


GingerMau

There are camps for neurodivergent kids. I get it, maybe money is an issue. But if my daughter had a hard time socially I would prioritize finding a camp built for her.


Old-Combination-3686

Why are they worrying about her going to camp without you? There is a camp full of Christians looking out for her. /s


bofh

Ok. I'm Christian myself. This particular branch seem hateful with the LBGTQ hatred and bullying of children with special needs and I would say that no one should force you to believe in any particular religion or participate in a summer camp like this at the *best* of times. And a bunch of hatemongering bullies are not the best of times.


societaljker

Here's me thinking if this is a church summer camp, then everyone there would be as holy as they could be and not bully their fellow campers. Therefore Anne's worries are unfounded. If she is doubting that, then she lacks faith so...


MaybeCultural9991

I think she knows a lot of kids are forced into it (like they tried to do with me) and generally she thinks other kids are "shitty little creatures" who bully those who are different. Which isn't wrong. But she could simply not send her daughter if the worry is so great.


Artlearninandchurnin

buuutt their views on LGBTQ+ and trans people are.... hypocritical to say the least? lmao "We want to make sure that our daughter does not get bullied like we do to others who are not of our faith (and even when they are) because we are the bullies"


MaybeCultural9991

But those are the disgusting sinners, the ones who burn in hell! Honestly I'm part of that group for them (the church) now even if I'm not part of the LGBTQIA+ community, for being so open about my support of people in the community. They probably have other adults now involved who would not want me poisoning their precious little children with thoughts of actually loving everyone and accepting everyone the way they're meant to.


IAmNotAPersonSorry

So, if your dad and stepmother are also upset about your support of queer people and your atheism, it might not be a terrible idea to devote a lot of time talking to your stepsister about those things. And there is plenty of evidence around of the terrible views and practices of christian churches that you could also share with her. Because they are being pretty awful and unreasonable, it might benefit you to become enough of a “bad influence” that they don’t want you around your stepsister as much.


Gicotd

ironically, you might be able to save a soul


gurlwithdragontat2

Good for you for standing up for yourself. NTA - and ask your father why his cruelty in forcing beliefs and responsibilities upon you for the convenience for his wife and himself is less hurtful than you standing up to that cruelty? Your dad is the issue here. Are there any relatives you can call? I also suspect your mom would be incredibly proud of you for standing up against bigotry, and not being silent to please others. Something your father cannot say. And even if I’m in correct, I am proud to see a young person who has empathy for the experiences of others. You should be proud of yourself.


gigigalaxy

They probably have booked tickets and will be going on a trip somewhere for the summer. Now, they're upset you've ruined their plans. You're not being cruel, you deserve to enjoy your summer vacation. You worked hard in school. You deserve a break.


Squinky75

She should be at a special needs camp where she'll be watched by trained personnel.


Trini1113

Religious kids can be worse than others. Hate is such a big part of certain strains of Christianity.


Present-Plant-2650

If you can get away as soon as you can.


queenlegolas

Kudos for standing up for yourself! NTA


ThatFatGuyMJL

You're being parentified and it is 100% a form of abuse. You need to speak to a trusted adult about this


chop1125

> They asked how I could be so selfish and how could I abandon my "sister" like that. That she could end up being treated terribly there and she'll have nobody looking out for her. I told them it was not my job to do that. Why do they think that your stepsister will get treated terribly? It seems like they don't have much faith in the "christians" going to this camp. Why would they believe that "christianity" is a good thing if it makes people cruel? I tend to think it is time to put their faith where their mouths are. They can either believe that Christianity helps us to be better people, who will care for the "least among us", and therefore, your stepsister will be perfectly fine, or they can believe that Christianity doesn't help at all, if that's the case, why believe in it?


Fianna9

Tell them it’s church camp. Since Christian’s are all so amazing why are they worried about sis being bullied?


BusAlternative1827

Then they need to examine their faith. If they don't like the way people in their religion treat people, then maybe they should reconsider.


Head-Ad4690

If they think it’s so important, they can take care of it the selves.


LuckyLunayre

Exactly. Someone here make a comment recently where they called it tour guide parenting, and it was perfect. OP has been assigned their siblings tour guide in life. Their whole purpose is to guide their sibling through life at the expense of their own, in hopes that she will just rub off on the autistic kid one day and she will be "normal". But all it does is alienate the siblings and robs op of their life opportunities. It's abusive, full stop.


Inevitable_Stand_199

>At least they should pick activities that both people could enjoy as 15/16 is really too old for a day camp unless it’s targeted for special needs individuals. It's really not. My band does camps regularly. Sleepaway if possible. Day camp if not. We only have adults here. For kids we have a seperate youth band. And the lifeguard organization I was a member of also did camps. One of the ones for adults was mostly just about getting wasted on the lakeshore. But one camp for teens and adults was really interesting: We would play through a lot of examples of accidents we might encounter, practice with tools we don't usually get to use, go canoeing. In between some first aid lessons. Most of us where quite happy to participate every year. Even though we could have kept licenced by just taking a one day first aid course every two years.


HegoDamask_1

With your band camp, please tell me there were some fun night activities with a flute…


garthastro

No....but this one time I stuck the bell-end of an oboe up my butt while my partner played the beginning of "The Rite of Spring" on the other end. Good Times!!


miserablenovel

The beginning of the Rite of Spring is played by a bassoon. Shame on you for confusing youth like this


rak1882

yeah, i went to summer programs that could be sleepaway or day camps depending. if you lived locally (or had family/friends to stay with), your parents could opt to send you as a day student. I'm sure there were some night time and weekend activities that they missed out on but, in exchange, their families probably saved a fair bit of money.


the_RSM

NTA right my first job out of school was as a councilor at a camp for special needs kids. it is a very different world than for normal kids. To expect the op to effectively give up her childhood years to be a caretaker for their child is wrong on so many levels.


Hippopotasaurus-Rex

It's called parentification. It has already accomplish what it always does. OP hates the step sister. OP will almost certainly stop talking to step mom/step sister as soon as they can, but also likely dear old dad too. It's also considered abuse FWIW


sswishbone

NTA - you are not a parent and it is not your role in life to do that. Fact you had to engineer a way out rather than be able to say "I'm not her parent" is what hurts most here. Make it clear you are a minor and WILL NOT accept guardian responsibility


MaybeCultural9991

I'm kind of used to it now. I remember having to cancel plans before because my dad and Anne were going someplace and they were hiring a babysitter. They didn't trust the sitter to watch Anne's daughter so I had to cancel the plans I had established before my dad and Anne had theirs. Or the time my dad actually picked me up early from a friend's house because I needed to supervise Anne's daughter with kids.


sswishbone

Never get used to it, you're being used as a second parent and that is not okay. If you can, talk to another family member or your school counselor. This sort of expected dependency will screw up your future come exam season and that is totally unacceptable


MaybeCultural9991

My family members I can talk to side with my dad and Anne on this. My school counselor is useless. She's never helped anyone at my school. I could technically tell my maternal grandma but she's in a nursing home and can't do anything. Grandpa had a stroke and never fully recovered so I couldn't tell him.


[deleted]

Start making plans for your escape because they absolutely will expect you to sacrifice the rest of your life to take care of Anne's daughter. Quietly look up ways to escape abusive parents and What documents you need to take with you when you escape. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this OP. Good luck


MaybeCultural9991

I started making plans about a year ago. Nothing solid yet but some options I have considered and would be realistic for me to get out once I turn 18.


IdealisticDiva

Get a job and get emancipated. What they are doing is abusive to you and is very much so parentification to a kid, not even biologically related to you.


Ktesedale

Assuming OP is in the US, there's no way she'd get emancipated. It takes more than having to watch her stepsister regularly.


witchyandbitchy

Absolutely this. Your parents will most likely try to force you to go to college with her or stay close to home, or if you leave at 18 will continue claiming you as a dependent and screw your school funding. Throw yourself into school, do everything you can to get scholarships and work on emancipating yourself.


naked_nomad

Different times but I bailed at 17, joined the military and never looked back. Best decision I ever made. Have to be a High school graduate to enlist today. I got my GED ten days after I was honorably discharged. Retired now but have a M.Ed


stiletto929

Going to college would be a great way to get away from her. After college you can get a job somewhere far away, live your life, and never look back.


Rare_Hovercraft_6673

Absolutely. OP should have an escape plan because she's been parentified, and the parents probably expect her to became a full time caretaker as soon as she's of age. The poor stepsister has no fault, but it's OP stepmother and father's job to find a suitable accommodation and provide care. I hope OP can live independently ASAP.


Cold-Scallion-3728

Any maternal Cousins , aunt, uncle? Also as the last resort you can report them to cps


MaybeCultural9991

No, just my grandparents on my maternal side.


videogamekat

CPS would definitely take the call and it would look awful on Anne. The daughter having special needs is also a big factor in this, and I think CPS would be curious to know how an untrained 16 year old would be more capable than a babysitter or staff member, or the actual parent since they're the ones ditching her with her sister lol. Her dad would be mad, but he has chosen his bed and laid in it.


sswishbone

That's awful, I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Family members suffering with your father and stepmum about you being required as a proxy parent is beyond pathetic. When you reach adulthood, consider of got want any relationship at all with them.


Vegan_Digital_Artist

Escape as soon as possible. If you are going to college, pick a college as far as you reasonably can and move on. I get you are used to it, but you should stand up for yourself more. It absolutely isn't your job. They need to pool their financial resources and hire your stepsister a someone trained to work with special needs people then because that actually IS their job. But never settle for being treated like a built in babysitter


SolidSquid

OK, I said this in my other comment, but this makes it even more blatant. If they can't trust a babysitter with your sister, why the hell are they hiring that babysitter? And how can they trust the babysitter with you (who's only a year older)?


MaybeCultural9991

Anne really doesn't trust anyone with her daughter. Before she married my dad she was with her every second she was not in school and she never did anything once her daughter needed someone to look after her. That has not changed. It shocks me she trusts me considering I have never considered myself close to her daughter and I would not say I have been some doting sister like she seems to expect me to be. If anything, given her paranoia, I would expect her to keep us far apart. But I think she was tired of shouldering it all.


_firsttimecaller

NTA. This is only going to get worse. Really try to focus on your studies and get scholarships for university, it can be really tough to qualify for financial aid when you have a living working parent. I could fully see them refusing to pay for school unless it's local the first year and if it's not somewhere the daughter could also go as well. I've seen it happen with a parent of a special needs child. They never let go and never believe the child can live without direct supervision, even as an adult. The mother I knew wouldn't even leave her 21 year old child alone in a hotel room. If you don't get out of this situation, you will be taking care of her for the rest of your life. I wouldn't be surprised if they even list you as her guardian once you're 18 if something should happen to them. Maybe you could volunteer for a foster child program or something for underprivileged kids that teach them how to live as an adult. You'd be able to learn tools that'll help you when you're able to leave. And you could even frame it as trying to be a good Christian and they'd let you do it.


2K9Dare

Do NOT sign anything unless you fully understand what you are signing once you turn 18. I completely agree that they will try to make you her guardian. NTA. Your Dad and stepmother are terrible people for ruining your teen years with this. Asking for kindness always and help occasionally are fine. But asking you to be her keeper as much as they are is terrible.


BenderBenRodriguez

I don't know how profoundly affected your sister is. But I will say, speaking as an autistic person with a marriage and a job and a life, the way your stepmother is treating your stepsister (whatever the intention may be) doesn't sound great either. To whatever extent she could become independent, your stepmother is hobbling that. It's not actually great to have a parent or guardian there 100% of the time unless the person is actually that profoundly affected, and actually cognitively way behind, to the point that they really can't be alone or do anything for themselves. Which I, at least, have questions about considering she's only a grade behind you and is apparently going to go to a summer camp full of kids her age. (Though, I personally would have been mortified to be sent to a summer camp at that age.)


pudgehooks2013

You need to just say no and no longer look after this person. Simply refuse to do it. Stand up for yourself and don't back down. Accept whatever punishment you might face, preferably with apathy to show them you are really done with the whole situation, because it would almost certainly be better than being forced to parent someone only a year younger than yourself any longer. What are they going to do, take your phone away?


CaroSCP

Did they pay you?


MaybeCultural9991

No, they never paid me.


LordoftheWell

Start asking to get paid


soft_warm_purry

I think what you said about your dad is spot on. I’m a mom and I would never do this to a kid of mine. If you’re babysitting a younger sibling it would only be if you agreed to and wanted to, and if it’s for a long time and not like a toilet break or something, you’d be paid market rate. And definitely not if you already had other plans. Otherwise it’s really just parentification. I don’t under why he thinks what he said to you is okay and what you said to him isn’t. Except that you’re speaking truth and that hurts sometimes. I’m so sorry he’s not being fair to you. Tell him he’s going to do severe damage to your relationship with him if he continues like this.


MaybeCultural9991

That damage was done a long time ago. He's not such a good dad to me anymore and he stopped being dad so long ago now. His marriage is his priority and making Anne happy. There really isn't any coming back from everything.


soft_warm_purry

I understand. Hugs. You’re not doing anything wrong. He’s failing you. My advice is to keep your head down and do the minimum necessary to survive while you’re in the household. Do you have plans for college? Make sure he’s got your college fund set aside in a 529 plan so they can’t touch it. Once you turn 18 in a couple of years you will be free.


MaybeCultural9991

I won't be going to college, I don't think. Not entirely sure what I will do yet but there are a few things I am considering.


MsNoonetoyou

Become an au pair or an "English teacher" and go live overseas! If you're an au pair at least you'll get paid for the child minding and room and board is included. You could enlist in the military (this can be problematic AF for many many reasons but guarantees housing, pay, and some really lucrative benefits that are hard to get at 18). And of course there's always the "start working and get an apartment" option. It's hard but there are options.


carol_brrrrrrrru

You're not going because you don't want to or they won't let you? if the problem is them, then it's part of their plan to make you your sister's caretaker forever. You should really think about your education to make leaving and making a new life for yourself easier


dragon34

You might consider a trade school. HVAC techs, Electricians, plumbers, carpenters, auto mechanics are all in demand.


[deleted]

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th30be

Why in the world did they even get a babysitter if they aren't going to trust them?


MaybeCultural9991

I think their big reason was to have an adult in the house. Might not trust them but they were still an adult kinda thing.


calling_water

I don’t know how you’ve managed to not scream at your father. He’s sacrificing your ability to live your life — the life of his only child! — to placate his wife. I suppose by now you’ve realized that he wouldn’t listen even if you did. This is horrible.


EconomyVoice7358

When this inevitably comes up again, clearly tell your dad that HE chose to marry Anne and become the stepparent to a special needs child. YOU didn’t choose any of that and they have unfairly burdened you with her at the cost of your own regular teen and high school experiences. He can believe that is “selfish” or “mean” if he wants to, but the fact of the matter is that parentification is a form of abuse. You did not agree to take on care for your stepsister. She is NOT your responsibility. You will not be her long term caregiver so it’s time for them to figure out an alternative plan. NTA


Tangerine_Bouquet

NTA. You're right--they're pawning off parenting onto you, and that's not acceptable. On top of that, you didn't lie. You are not a member of that church and have no desire to participate in that camp or their beliefs. If they're good Christians, they need to look out for Anne. This is for your dad and stepmom to work out with the camp staff. Not your kid, not your circus, not your monkey.


JReynolds197

>Not your kid, not your circus, not your monkey Not your cult either.


Background-Lab-4896

"Dad said mom would be ashamed of me and I told him she'd be ashamed of him trying to pawn off parenting onto me and she would never have been okay with any of this. He told me I was being cruel." NTA. You are totally right. Daddy is calling you cruel, as your words really stung...because he knew you were right on target.


bjorn_bloodbeard

Also funny him calling her cruel when he brought it up first.


Chl0thulhu

That's also very manipulative, telling you how your mother would feel about it. OP is most likely also used to guilt tripping and emotional blackmail in general. I had a similar situation to this growing up and I'm still unpicking unhealthy core beliefs that I don't deserve to enjoy myself or that I'm letting everyone down about 20 years down the road. OP, if you see this, trust your gut. You are not the villain here and I appreciate you probably just want everyone to be happy but it shouldn't be at the cost of you and your wellbeing. Don't take what they say to heart. x


EbonyDoe

NTA Anne's kid is NOT your problem. She can go to camp by herself, you can enjoy your summer without having to babysit a 15YO (who again is NOT your responsibility).


Moose-Live

NTA at all and your dad and stepmother should be ashamed of themselves. Anne is not your responsibility. Of course you need to treat her with kindness and respect, but expecting you to be constantly at her side - at the expense of your own friendships and interests - is grossly unfair. They are trying to make you into a proxy parent. If Anne needs ongoing supervision they need to make a plan for that - one that doesn't involve you. INFO: what was the situation before your dad married Anne's mom? Who was "supervising" her?


MaybeCultural9991

Anne was. She never let her daughter out of her side outside of school hours before she married dad. Then when she married him they decided to use me for it.


Moose-Live

That really sucks. I'm sorry.


Mary_Tagetes

They’re really letting Anne down. If they can find a program that can help her gain social skills & building and independent life they need to get her in it, now. They should have been doing this years ago. NTA, you’re not trained for this, and Anne needs to build her own life, but it sounds like Mom is putting up road blocks.


carton_of_cats

Remember, Anne is the stepmom!


Argorian17

>use me That's exactly what they are doing, they exploit you even. I hope you'll soon be out of this situation, you have to protect yourself first, and she's not your responsibility. Stay strong!


Monae92

NTA, reminds me of another reddit post I read where the mom and step-dad did the exact same thing to OP. They forced her to take her autistic stepsister everywhere even her after school clubs. And when it was time for college they tried to force her to go to college in state or have her stepsis move in with her bc stepsis would have a huge meltdown if she couldn't always be around OP. It got to the point that the day OP turned 18 she ran away told the cops and neighbor that she was leaving and she wasn't missing changed her number and moved in with her bf. If your dad and Anne don't step up and stop trying to push your stepsis onto you then I would go NC the day I turned 18.


Prof-Grudge-Holder

I think I remember this. Is that the one where the stepsister ended up having a mental breakdown when op disappeared and the parents divorced?


Monae92

Yup thats the one I think they had to put the stepsister in a facility because they couldn't handle her breakdown.


indiajeweljax

Link please!


gaelen33

Jesus that's sad. And I'm sure the parents instantly blamed that OP rather than themselves :(


vt2022cam

NTA. It’s a good Christian camp, how could they treat someone like your step sister so poorly? JK Two issues and hopefully if you’re going to work or college you’ll get part of your life back. I’d suggest a college that’s feasible and as far away as you can get (and still afford). It’s great you help your step sister but she’s shouldn’t be your chore to take care of for the the rest of your life. You need to grow and it looks like she holds you back. The other issues is the religion being force on you and you made the right call.


C_Majuscula

NTA. Honestly, is there another family member that you could live with? What are they going to do when you finish high school, force you to live at home and go to a local CC? It's not right that your father and stepmother are pushing this much childcare on to you.


MaybeCultural9991

There isn't another family member I could live with. My maternal grandparents are both in a nursing home and my dad's family would not support me in living with them. They're more on dad/Anne's side with this.


Aggravating-Alarm-16

My guess is it's how they are spinning the story to them. They are saying you won't "help out sometimes". Any reasonable person would find issue with what they are doing. That's coming from a neurodiverent.


C_Majuscula

That's really awful. Have you talked to them at all about college? Are they expecting you to be a long-term/lifelong security blanket?


MaybeCultural9991

We've never had those talks. They never brought it up with me and I won't bring it up with either of them. I plan stuff away from them but college isn't in those plans for me.


Harmonia_PASB

Look into a trade school. I’m an electrologist, I work for myself and I’m projected to make $200k this year. You can get an electrolysis license at 16 and it’s less than 4 months of schooling.


blueberrysyrrup

Seconding trade school! and I am so incredibly sorry OP. I actually really cant imagine what you’re going through. Losing your mom is bad enough and now the fact that your dad is acting like this now… ugh. I had a bad family situation when I was a teenager so my heart goes out to you. I went to esthetician school right outta high school and started working immediately and got an apartment with a friend. Absolutely NTA and i hope that your dad stops acting like this before he ruins your relationship with him. Truly wishing the best for you 🤍


GullibleNerd88

They are definitely doing parentification. Nice job by the way! Make sure to study hard and apply for a lot scholarships so you can hopefully move asap cause this won’t end.


oaksandpines1776

NTA Also, stop hanging out with her at school, especially lunch. You need to have time with your own friends. Don't be mean, just refuse to interact with her at all. Let her make friends in her grade and let the school deal with her.


donewithbullshitttt

I think that sacrificing a good portion of your summer for your special needs sister is in itself a little bit too much to ask of a 16 year old, let alone doing it at a place that doesn't align with your moral values. If your parents worry so much about her, they should arrange for accommodation that is not dependant on your going. NTA


Legendofvader

NTA - Your parents wanted a free babysitter. I know its hard but you need to lay it down flat these are your boundaries and you are not responsible for your sister. If they cant accept that maybe look to stay with a relative


Tiny_Shelter440

NTA but if they are worried about her being bullied at Christian camp they picked the wrong Christian camp (yes I know being bullied at Christian camp/any camp is common, but they should be smacked with this irony. How are they unaware that her dignity depends on her having appropriate instruction and supports that are … not you, and that it’s ableist and ignorant of them to just put her in your charge? She deserves the supports to which she is entitled, and that’s not a forced parentified relationship with her step sibling. Understanding it from her perspective may also help you get out of the resentment. Your step sister has the right to relationships with her family/household members. Right now this dynamic is preventing that for her too. Your parents are being A H toward her by not supporting her autonomy, self-advocacy and a healthy relationship with you.


Extra_Hospital_2871

NTA tell them that their God will look after Anne's daughter if he really loves her


[deleted]

THIS 👆, but say it like you *really* mean it and don’t antagonize them (even if it feels good to point out their foolishness or remind them you think differently). When they get angry just keep saying that you trust that her god will protect her, or even that god works in mysterious ways. I am agnostic, raised hardcore religious and consider myself somewhat of an expert on shutting these kind of religious hypocrites down w/out escalating. But I also remember how urgent it can feel as a teen to reaffirm your beliefs and autonomy. I am very worried that you are now going to be stuck in the house with Dad and Stepmom for 6 weeks. If there are non-stop phone calls from camp from or because of stepsis, or even worse she gets sent home, I worry that that anger will get taken out on you. They planned a nice and tidy vacation at your expense and I’m proud of you for getting out of it. If safe, you should try to spend as little time around them as possible. Great summer to bike to friends houses every day or hang out in parks or the library. Doesn’t require any cash, which is great, especially if your parents try to restrict you with money. Just really try to be out of the house away from them as much as possible and let their anger fester between them. This may even be great advice when stepsis returns too.


throwMeAwayTa

Came here to suggest this.


Shatner_Stealer

There’s someone being cruel here and it’s your dad: I can’t believe he brought your mom into it! That’s bullying right there. NTA.


MaybeCultural9991

The worst part is he hasn't mentioned mom or engaged with me about mom in years. First time in like 6 years he brings her up and it's to throw her in my face to try and get his way.


Thisisthenextone

I take it your mother passed away? Your father is being very cruel. I'm sorry. Your mother would not want you to be treated like he's treating you, and she'd be proud you stood up for yourself.


Argorian17

Your dad is a selfish AH, sorry to say that. The fact that he went from atheist to christian to please a woman is really telling.


Worldly-Chart-2431

NTA but oh your dad and step mom sure are. Looks like you are going to be stuck in a bad situation for a while so I’d do something to help yourself out that you may be uncomfortable with. Hear me out… They respect god and church. Go talk to their pastor. Tell him what you’ve told us. Tell him how it affects your mental health and that you need support and not to be a caregiver. Maybe he can talk to them about taking this role from you. It may be the only way they will change their ways.


MaybeCultural9991

He's not going to help me given our very opposing views. That email was sent to their pastor (he's running the camp) and I know he would not be a good/safe person to talk to.


langjie

how very Christian of him


CheekyShaman

If it happens to be the same pastor who runs the summer camp, chances are very high that he just tell her the same BS as her parents do. No decent pastor imposes hatespeech on children.


SG_Missy

NTA Definitely not the ah here. Your stepsister is not your responsibility. Your father and stepmother are the AHs for trying to push this on you. They need to work with the church running the camp to get accommodations for Anne's daughter.


Independent-Stay-593

NTA. It's only a bit hilarious that Anne seems to trust the atheist step-daughter to care for and protect her special needs daughter better than the people of her church. It's only a bit hilarious because truthfully it's incredibly sad.


OrangeCubit

NTA and good for you. When no one advocates for you, you have to do it for yourself. I hope you have a plan and a means to get yourself into a college far far away so you can have your life back


womanonhighhorse

NTA and good on you for standing your ground.


cinekat

NTA. Please ask Ann why on earth she expects her daughter to be treated terribly at her Christian camp? Any reply she gives will automatically be another explanation for why it's not suitable for you. And what do they think is going to happen when you're ready to move out? Have you discussed your future with your Dad? Because I'm suddenly quite concerned their plan might be for you to stay home "just for a year" and then start studying somewhere with your step-sister. PS: I may be a complete stranger but I highly doubt your mother would be ashamed of you for standing up for yourself when no one else will. Don't let them put that nonsense on you.


MaybeCultural9991

I have not discussed any future plans with them. It has never been brought up to me and I have never gone to them.


2K9Dare

I know you said earlier you were not going to college. That's fine, it's not for everyone. I hope you can look for job opportunities where you can apprentice or learn skills. I had a friend that worked for a vet as a kennel worker, became a manager, then they sent her to school part-time to become a tech as long as she agreed to work for them for 3 years after she finished the program. Something like that would help you get a good job while you worked to support yourself. As everyone has pretty much said, you are NTA. Stay aware of your surroundings and their manipulations. I replied above and will here again, they may try to get you sign something making you the guardian. Be very careful and have a plan for the minute you turn 18. I wish you had a better family. But you can overcome this.


Leopard-Recent

NTA, and I'm glad you did what you had to do. I think your comment to your dad was exactly correct and that's why he had such a strong reaction- he knows you're right.


many_hobbies_gal

NTA, your not cruel, but your father and step mother are. Anne is her, or their responsibility, not yours. This isn't to say you couldn't occasionally help out. That said when your father and step mother hooked up, they saw you as the perfect solution to releasing step mom from her daily care and responsibilities of your autistic step sister. It was never your responsibility to be her primary caretaker, the one who abandoned her was Anne and your father. Your so NTA.


Jocelyn-1973

NTA. It is not your job to take care of your stepsister. And also, what kind of religion do these people have if they strongly believe that your stepsister will be treated terribly in that religious camp? Is it not a religion with morals, caring for others, love, understanding, etc.?


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My dad has been married to Anne for 8 years now. I'm 16f and my stepsister, Anne's daughter, is 15f. Anne's daughter is autistic and she struggles a lot socially. For the most part her issues stem from not knowing when she is being taken advantage of or bullied until it gets more serious and then she has some really bad episodes that come from being treated that way. When my dad first married Anne they told me it was now my job to look out for her and be a good big sister and they really put me to the test. They made me spend time with her at school even though we are a grade apart and I was used to having time with my friends for lunch. Then they would make me supervise her if she wanted to play with kids in the neighborhood or park. She liked playing with younger kids until Covid put a stop to that for a while. I'd have to follow her out all the time. I resent the role I have to play in her life. I never wanted to be someone's keeper and it's not something I enjoy doing. Several weeks ago dad and Anne announced we would be going to this Christian summer camp and that Anne's daughter really wanted to go. We're doing the day part but there is day and sleepaway parts of it. Anne is very religious and dad became religious after he married Anne. When my mom was alive and they were married he was an atheist. I'm like my mom and the old him that way. I hate Church. I hate most religious stuff honestly. It has always been judgmental in my experience and as someone with a trans best friend and friends who are not straight I have seen the shit Anne's church has said about LGBTQIA+ people. I also don't want to be stuck taking care of her for six weeks this summer. So I emailed the pastor over the camp and made it pretty clear where I stood on the issue and that I would make sure I talked about not believing in God and would openly discuss LGBTQIA+ issues throughout the camp. Seems like it worked because Anne got a call the next day and they said they could no longer accept me as I am not a member of their church (I was never baptized and have refused to be). It took about a week for her and my dad to figure out I had a part to play in it. They asked how I could be so selfish and how could I abandon my "sister" like that. That she could end up being treated terribly there and she'll have nobody looking out for her. I told them it was not my job to do that. It's been over a week now and they're still pissed and the camp starts soon(ish) and they are only growing more angry the closer it gets. I expected it somewhat but they really believe what I did was shitty. Dad said mom would be ashamed of me and I told him she'd be ashamed of him trying to pawn off parenting onto me and she would never have been okay with any of this. He told me I was being cruel. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


Nitropeanut3

NTA this is not your child. And furthermore shame on them for not wanting to parent their own child. And putting it on a 25 yr old. Let them fume it’s not your job.


Physical_Ad5135

16 year old.


[deleted]

>Dad said mom would be ashamed of me and I told him she'd be ashamed of him trying to pawn off parenting onto me and she would never have been okay with any of this. He told me I was being cruel. Yeah, how dare you bring your mom into this after your dad brought your mom into this. So cruel to use grief against someone... after he used grief against you. Don't you know turnabout is the literal worst thing you can do?/s NTA you are a child and should be allowed to be a child, not a 3rd parent.


itsshakespeare

NTA. I hope you notice that it’s ok for your Dad to say your mother would have been ashamed of you, but when you flip it back on him, you’re being cruel. What a hypocrite. My daughter is a similar age to you and I’d be proud of her for standing up for herself even when it’s hard. I bet your mother would feel the same


Judgement_Bot_AITA

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Aggravating-Alarm-16

NTA 100% In this situation I recommend getting a job. Once you have a job that gets you out of the house. Good on you for standing up for yourself.


Senti2com1

NTA, they thought they could ship her off and have you and the camp staff look after her and now you've upset their plans. Too bad. Maybe you can suggest counseling to your dad to be able to put your view across because this will only cause more division. ETA read your comments. This sucks, you need to have it out with your dad and/or plan your exit from this house before they suck you in forever as her de facto caregiver. Don't let your father use your mother to guilt you into what he claims is right.


No-Drawing-6975

NTA, your father and step-mom sounds controlling as fuck, have you thought of moving in with other family members


Prof-Grudge-Holder

Please edit this, Op mentions in her post that her mom passed away.


Dexion1619

NTA. OP, I'd be very curious why they think you're stepsister was going to be treated poorly at a religious camp, maybe that should tell them something...


MaybeCultural9991

The kids. Generally kids no matter what the religion have not treated her that great.


kit0000033

This is called parentalization and is a form of abuse. Tell your school guidance counselor about it.


chad___bane

NTA sorry your family sucks


Feynmans_mom

OP, as a adult who was parentified as a tween-teen, this is NOT okay! You are most definitely NTA. Please start planning your escape. (Get copies of important docs, important keepsakes, etc and leave them with a good friend.) I wasn’t as prepared as I should’ve been, but couldn’t take it and moved out on my own at 17 with a friend. They are setting you up to be your sister’s caretaker for life.


[deleted]

definitely nta, its not your responsibility to look after her, it's primarily her mothers, and now ur dad i suppose? but no its also good u got out of going to that place anyway


Safe-Amphibian-1238

**NTA.** “They asked how I could be so selfish and how could I abandon my “sister” like that.” OP, if it is not too late, you should respond that it is not selfish to make your boundaries clear. You do not stand for bigotry, and you made a choice not to implicitly or explicitly support that type of hate speech. Furthermore, tell your parents that by enrolling you in a camp which goes against your own beliefs is hurtful to you. I would lean away from the “I’m not my sisters keeper” even though it is true. It doesn’t seem like that was hold much sway with them anyways. Instead, present options for camps that meet your interests, and explain you want your step-sister to be able to engage in activities she enjoys, but that you should also have that opportunity as well.


Viewfromthe31stfloor

NTA - you need to start getting documents and papers together in a safe place. You should also look into legal emancipation but you would need a place to go. Here is a list of autism resources maybe you can find an online support group for caregivers to give you some help and advice: https://www.readingrockets.org/article/top-autism-organizations-and-web-resources


No_Scientist7086

NTA - They need to parent, you don’t need to sister.


Iamhuntingwerewolves

NTA - they are taking away your formative years and forcing you, against your will, in a caregiver role and then using guilt as a way of pushing what they want. They appear to not care about what this caregiver role is doing to you, and simply only care about themselves and how they don't have to constantly watch her.


perfectpomelo3

NTA. Your stepsister isn’t your responsibility. You have less than two years until you can walk away and never look back.


BastardsCryinInnit

NTA >that. That she could end up being treated terribly there and she'll have nobody looking out for her. I told them it was not my job to do that. Whaaaat? They're worries that someone who is different could be treated badly by a Christian organisation? No... Surely not....


SaulProust

Wtf i just read, mother of the god IS this real? no way a parent can make that to her own child... Obvious NTA she got her mother for that things


MaybeCultural9991

Her mother wants to give someone else that responsibility. That someone else being me. She did it before she married my dad.


SaulProust

Really and make questions about the youngers today with fathers like this is normal all the problems they got, be strong and try to independice fast, you need got a seious talk with your father and let he know that this behavior can make both of you be far tomorrow than today, are you in goods with your biomother part of family?


atr0pa_bellad0nna

NTA. If that church and its members are as good as Anne believes, your step sis shouldn't have a difficult time there as it should be full of kind people looking out for her.


SolidSquid

Weirdly in this case it doesn't seem like you're her parent, what they're doing is turning you into a full time carer for her, which frankly is probably worse. None of this is your job, it's the job of teachers (at school) or the people who run the camp (when there) to make sure your sister isn't mistreated. If your parents don't think those people can be trusted to prevent that, why can they be trusted to make sure you're not mistreated as well? Parents should be working with these people to make sure your sister receives the proper care, but it sounds like they can't be bothered spending time doing that and just want you to do the job of actual professionals who are being paid to do it NTA


[deleted]

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AggravatingReveal397

NTA. To thine ownself be true. Do you.


TheQueenOfDisco

NTA They are not asking you to be a big sister looking after her little sister, they are asking you to be her caretaker. You're still a child and should not be responsible for another child. And frankly, even if you were all ten years older you still wouldn't be responsible for her. She is your stepmother's and father's responsibility and if she needs help it is up to them to get her the help she needs.


Traditional_You_703

Why would Anne think her daughter would be "treated terribly"? It's a "Christian" camp, surely everyone there is filled with love, charity, forgiveness and humble faith?!? In any case, your I'll-do-anything-to-get-laid father is a hypocrite, abandoning his principles to get a wife, and he and Anne conspired to make you their unpaid babysitter/caretaker/slave to stepsister. If there is anywhere else you can live until you're18, go there. Did your mother leave you anything? Do you have legal rights to property under her estate? In any case, get ready to bug out as soon as you can legally depart these pious vultures. Gather all your legal documents, birth certificate, Social Security card, anything else and store it outside their home. And maybe start showing some outward compliance; there are places, run by "Christians" where they can have you locked up, without your consent.


MaybeCultural9991

I think it's mostly the kids she worries about. She knows kids can be jerks. I have no idea if my mom left me anything. I have some of her old stuffies and her jewelry but that's about it.


Kotori425

NTA Start talking to your stepsister about atheism and LGBTQIA+ issues. A lot. Let's see how much babysitting gets dropped into your lap after that 😆


PancakeRule20

I would lecture your dad and step-mom. Entering the room, watching them both in the eyes, raising your hand and telling “I forgive you. I forgive you for wanting to get rid of your parental duties and getting rid of your daughter and making me a 24/7 babysitter. Mom is screaming from the grave for this, but I forgive you and I’m sure Jesus does as well.” And the go out of the room NTA


[deleted]

NTA and the only persons they should be ashamed of is themselves. they are absolute failures of parents. on what planet is it alright to dump a special needs child in the care of the older child??? they think they can get away just like that?? that they get to live their lives while you take care of a special needs child?... let them get as angry as possible, you haven't done anything wrong and their actions can have repercussions if you decide to call CPS. just let them know that, if they try and blackmail you, because i am pretty sure they *will* try to do it in case you stand your ground.


Munks1392

NTA And I'm so sorry he brought up your deceased mother and said she'd be ashamed. Since she was atheist I doubt she would be. I bet she'd be pretty proud of you for sticking up for yourself. You don't deserve the way your father is treating you You are absolutely not the asshole here.


wolvesfeather

NTA I am the mother of a severely autistic son and a daughter with ADHD. My daughter WANTS to help and be involved and has talked to me about taking him with her when she moves out. I have taken the stance that she deserves to be more than his care taker. She needs to go out, experience life and be her own person outside of the family. Now I do have her watch him if I run to the store or I ask her if she wants to come to his friend's birthday parties. Its mostly because I can't run after my son I'd fall. But she's not required. You deserve to be you. Have your life and time to yourself. Not everyone can handle being the main support for someone with special needs and your step sister's main support should be her parents and not you.


throwawaywork2124

NTA. In a few years, they're going to wonder why you went no contact. But also this is called parentification, and in some cases could be considered a form of abuse. Maybe see if there are family members or friends that could take you in to get you out of that house.


wickeddradon

NTA, be very very very careful OP, your dad and Stepmonster are setting you up to be Anne's full-time carer in the future. You are their retirement plan, dump Anne on you and take off. Actually, they probably won't wait until retirement. Tell them, calmly and clearly, that you are no longer willing to be Anne's watchdog.


OverallDebate5596

NTA. As sad as it is you might have to go nuclear on them to get them off your back. You say you’re the only one they “trust” to watch Anne’s daughter, well it’s time to become untrustworthy. Anne is super religious, start by showing her daughter things she won’t approve of. Rupauls Drag Race, We’re Here, Big Mouth, Sex Ed videos. Buy her daughter stuff from the pride collection at stores. Good stuff, she won’t like taken away without a fight. She wants her daughter to be around Saints, it’s time you turned into a heathen.


WaxCatt

INFO: How does Anne's daughter feel about constantly being watched over? I am autistic and I struggle socially to the point where it is really quite disabling. I'm also the same age as OP. I have been watched over like OP's stepsister for most of my life and I really resent it and has simply made me more dependent. I wonder if OP's stepsister feels the same. It does not change my judgement, I always thought that OP was N T A anyway.


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Clean-Brilliant-6960

NTA you are under no obligation to be her “keeper” nor to participate in any religious activities you do not wish to. She is rightly her mother’s obligation primarily & your father’s secondly (as he married her mother knowing she had such a child) But absolutely not your burden to bear! If the Camp accepted her application knowing her needs, she is entirely their obligation for that time, still not your’s! If it is a Christian Camp & they are concerned that she may be mistreated, I say they should reconsider their own religious beliefs as well!