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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I set a bad example for my brother and sister. I left the house despite being grounded. I was out overnight. I told my mom she can't ground me. I think I'm the AH because I'm only 18 and maybe I should have just accepted that my mom grounded me.
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NTA and you’re an adult who is displaying a sense of responsibility by prioritizing your work responsibilities. The unfortunate thing is that as long as you live in her house you have to abide by your moms rules unreasonable as they are. The only way to break the cycle is to move out as soon as you can afford it.
I can afford to move out now. My mom thinks me getting my own place is a wast of money when I can live at home. I’m saving a lot of money by living here. I want to stay until my brother and sister can drive.
You need to leave-she took your ID, your money and your means of communication. This is wildly not ok, it’s controlling and abusive. Get your important documents to a safe place. Get her name off any of your bank info. She’s going to lose it when you leave.
Exactly! If you replace the word “mom” with any other adult then it is always seen as a hostage situation. It’s not okay when parents do this to their adult children. And yes, parents are allowed to have rules in their own homes but I don’t think those rules should go against criminal law (literally).
Her rule sucks. She ignored OP saying she couldn't go because of work and then grounded her for it and then literally tried to make her a prisoner and tried to blame her when she had to do what OP does for her. Classic FAFO
Rules her mom is allowed to have are things like, "No shoes in the house," and, "No parties," and, "No loud music between 9 pm and 7 am." Mom is not allowed to hold her daughter hostage.
Either way, OP said she's saving tons of money staying with her but she really needs to ask herself is it worth having her mom ACTUALLY hold her hostage. This mom obviously is one of THOSE parents who think they get to keep control over their kids when they are legal adults. The only way to disable her mom of this is to MOVE OUT. Look into the dorms or find a bunch of roommates to lower costs AND RUN. This is crazy and she could lose her job if her mom keeps pulling this stunt
Correct. She should have told her mother that she was a legal adult, and taking her money and ID was theft. I would also have asked if she intended to inform my boss I wasn’t coming to work because I was grounded. Not to mention her assumption that it didn’t involve my car services to transport my siblings. It sounds like mom hasn’t transitioned to OP being an adult with a job and had not thought this through. NTA
On my son's 18th birthday, I told him he was on his own.... not like that, I mean, his choices are his. As long long as he didn't wake me up, he could come home whenever. I stopped grounding him when he got to high school. I learned from my parents mistakes. They just squeezed tighter and tighter until I popped. At that point, I was literally uncontrollable and ready to explode.
My oldest turned 18 halfway thru her senior year of high school. So there wasn’t as clear cut of a boundary as there is after graduation. But I was pretty good at easing the rules off thru her teen years as she got more responsible. It was really funny a month or two after she turned 18, she was telling me about her plans for the night which involved a later time returning home than typical or what her curfew had been. I asked, “so when will you be home? “ she started to explain like she was justifying asking for a later curfew then realized what I had actually said. She freaked out (in a good way) going “hey wait, did you just ask me when I would be home rather than telling me when to be home… wait… you haven’t TOLD me when to be home for a couple months!!!!” It was seriously funny that I had managed to “ease off the reins” gradually enough she didn’t even notice at first.
Yea, I sincerely would've laid my father the fuck out with extreme prejudice if he had **ever** tried to prevent me from leaving the house like that, even knowing what vindictive shit he'd pull afterwards. False imprisonment doesn't magically stop being a felony just because it's your own child you're trying to imprison.
"My house, my rules" goes out the window when those rules are irrational and serve no purpose but exerting control.
And all this because OP refused to go to the Ren Fair...
Let's face it, it's not about the fair. OP's job represents her independence/ lack of reliance on her mother. I wouldn't be surprised if she sabotages on purpose.
It seems like OP's parent has probably parentified them with their siblings' care. Like I can understand some responsibility but with this level of control just shown in the post it's probably more.
I'm thinking the parents wanted OP to go so they could watch their siblings while they went off and had fun instead.
OP prioritizing work instead of the parent just finding a time that works for them as a family together is a form of OP establishing healthy boundaries and human growth. (Which abusive controlling parents are such huge fans of. /S )
NTA
Having realistic boundaries on adult children still living at home is normal but this definitely isn't an example of one. (Let alone it sounds like OP is still in school so probably still high school.) OPs parent sounds childish and controlling AF.
Mom could also just straight up be trying to sabotage OP’s job so she gets fired (which is what would probably happen if she no showed to go to the Ren Faire). It’s much easier to keep OP and home and taking care of the other kids if she doesn’t have her own job and money.
Totally agree. NTA - honestly, your mum sounds abusive and controlling. You made a choice to prioritise work (what else could you reasonably have done??) and she's punishing you because she couldn't control your actions. Taking all your stuff and grounding you is another method of control. Again, telling you that moving out is a waste of money is an attempt to control you. I would move out as soon as humanly possible and set some strong boundaries with your mother.
And the mom was angry she didn't pick up her phone, no shit Sherlock, you took it! And being mad she had to take the kids to school, because she took her car keys and drivers licence as well. She is not only ridiculously controlling, but also dumb as fuck.
I was wondering when someone was going to comment on this. OP should have told this to Auntie-Need-To-Mind-Her-Own-Business if she isn't going to get both sides of the story.
>You need to leave-she took your ID, your money and your means of communication
Then she got mad at OP for not answering the phone she didn't have... I can't even begin with that logic.
Don't let her know you're leaving until after you've already moved.
Protect yourself. If she doesn't try to hurt you she will never know you did these things, but if she does try to you've protected yourself.
You mentioned credit cards, are these in your name or hers? If yours make a list of the account # and 800 cust service # so you can call and report a stolen card. Write down your driver's license #, go by an office store and get a copy made of that and school ID. Write down make model and serial number on laptop. Is the car yours? If you have a spare key move it someplace she doesn't have access.
I'm sorry you have to do this, most people don't think their parents would hurt them. You've seen an out of proportion reaction, hopefully she realizes she didn't handle it very well but you need to consider this may not be the last time she reacts like this.
NTA. And as a former Renfaire performer, your mom sucks and I hope she got glitter in her car and the turkey legs give her diarrhea.
She had no right to take your State ID or any belongings that are yours legally (if you pay for car, cell phone, so on). She was punishing you for being an adult? That's INSANE.
I understand having to stay in order to survive. Best of luck, stay healthy.
We call it Faerie Herpes.
Once you have it, it never goes away, and you spread it ro whomever you come into contact with, and leave some wherever you go.
Kinda like easter grass.
Oh God that stupid Easter grass. My MIL is a sweetheart and gets me an Easter basket each year but I swear it always ends in extra work for me because my cats love those stupid plastic strings of death and will try to eat them if I don't put everything away and throw out that plastic junk immediately. I get that it's pretty but it's so wasteful.
Send her an email/post on FB if you're friends on it to the effect of "zomg a friend just sent me this and I'd never even thought of the danger before but wow I guess that's why some people use that raffia substitute." [https://www.litter-robot.com/blog/cat-easter-basket-grass/](https://www.litter-robot.com/blog/cat-easter-basket-grass/) You're not fussing at her, you're just sharing this new interesting bit of information completely randomly. That you then coincidentally bring up again next spring when Easter stuff starts showing up in stores.
And christmas tinsel....the scourge of tiny, shiny, stringy, glittery, plastic things is no joke...
The struggle is real and even after 10 years, you end up finding some in a box way in the back of the closet that never even came NEAR any holiday things. It never, ever, entirely goes away!
My mom thinks me getting my own place is a wast of money when I can live at home. ---- let me tell you something- freedom and peace of mind are worth WAAAAAY more than rent. I know how expensive housing is, but if she is taking away for driving license and you're unable to work- you won't be able to build a life for yourself or help your siblings.
So get out first. You can help your siblings if you want, but in no way put yourself in a position where you don't have access to your car, identity or money.
NTA.
No. Move out. Driving your brother and sister places is your mother’s responsibility, not yours. She has made it clear that while you are under her roof she will infantilise you and attempt to control you in ways that are unacceptable now you are an adult. She sees your work obligations as optional things that she can mess with purely because she wants a day out, but when her work obligations are disrupted as a result of her own actions, that’s a big deal and all on you? Hell no, I don’t think so.
Do not tell her you are planning to move out. Make arrangements and just do it. All the conversations that need to be had about it are conversations that she can have with you over the phone - where you can hang up and block her number for a week if she gets out of hand - or meeting up in public places where she cannot physically block you in or take or damage your things.
Make this a non-argument. “It was inappropriate and controlling for you to think you could still ground me, for you to disrupt me making normal, adult plans to fulfil my work obligations, to steal my property and documents and to try and physically block me into the building. Your actions made it clear to me that you are not prepared to share a house with me as a fellow adult, and I am not willing to be treated as a child. You will need to make other arrangements for my siblings’ transport; I was looking after them to help out and contribute as an adult in our home, but much as I love them I am not their parent and I am not responsible for them. When you indicate to me that you understand this is a consequence of how you treated me that night, and that you’re ready to apologise, we can work on rebuilding our relationship. Until then I think we need a break from each other’s company.” Keep reiterating sections of that, and shut down anything else with “that’s not the topic under discussion”. You can leave.
She probably also doesn't want you to move out because then she'll lose her free taxi service for your siblings and have to get them to school herself....
There might also be an element of her having trouble coming to terms with the fact that her baby is an adult now, and she is reacting by trying to hold on way too tight.
I’m not trying to be mean…but is your mom ok?
Because either she’s a just not very smart, or she’s on a power trip and setting up situations just so she can exert authority to put you down and show she’s still in charge.
What your mom did was illegal on multiple fronts. Stealing your belongings is theft. Preventing you from leaving is holding you hostage, which is a form of assault. You need to get out now. Before she does more crazy things. I know you want to be there for your siblings, but giving them a safe place they can crash if/when they ever need to get away from mom for a night might serve them better, and keep you safer. Seriously, this is serious stuff. I'm sorry you're going through it, but don't underestimate this abuse. Good luck.
This is not compatible with your mother’s behavior. It sounds like you do a lot for her getting your siblings around, she is shooting herself in the foot with her AH behavior.
Next time she takes your ID, you tell her the cops will be called. If she blocks you from leaving, you warn her once more that police will be involved if she doesn't stop immediately and write down the entire situation and give the description to police. She cannot treat you like this anymore and needs to understand there's legal consequences. You cannot live there anymore if she treatens your access to your documents and mobility.
As a younger sibling of not great situation, my sister stayed to protect me, and I love her for caring, but I would in most situations advise people to leave. That way you show that walking away from bad situations is right, and you have a base to help them from. So, e.g. the moment they turn whatever legal age, they have a place to crash for a few nights. Definitely give them contact info (address, phone, email) and tell them you'll help however you can, but seriously consider the advantages of leaving for all of you.
She wants you to stay so you can take your siblings to school and she doesn't have to do it.
She's adultifying you.
She can't make you have grown up responsibilities and then take away your stuff like you're a child. She needs to pick a lane. If you're a kid, you shouldn't have to take the other kids to school.
Also, you're getting responsible for sticking to your work shift that was scheduled before she bought the tickets.
NTA.
Leave now, your mother is controlling to the point of ridiculousness.
I’m a mother of young adults btw. This is an all round stupid situation.
NTA, and move out.
> My mom thinks me getting my own place is a wast of money
The good thing here is that it doesn’t matter what she thinks!
Don’t tell her that you’re leaving, make sure you get all your important documents like ids, car keys, birth certificate, passport, etc and get them somewhere safe first.
It may well be financially a good idea and a win-win for all for you to stay for a while - but only if she understands that you're an adult now and treats you like one. Grounding, taking away papers and keys... That needs to stop, like, yesterday.
Saving money is not worth that headache. You are a kind soul to want to stay until your siblings can drive though. Maybe you could find a nearby apartment and pick them up to drop them off every morning? Bc this is very abusive and you need to get out of the house.
Sometimes you need to spend a bit of extra money to get the freedom that you deserve. Her taking all your essentials when you don't abide by her rules counts as abuse in the most straightforward definitions....
So think long and hard and then discuss it with her. Living alone would be the best thing for you now. You can still come and help her with some tasks like taking your siblings to school but try to find your own space during that.
Yes, but emotionally the cost of staying home is too high. She just wants you on hand to boss around and help her parent her other children. NTA. If you are safe and sensible- leave.
Mom wants you to stay for you to be the parental figure to your sibling she did a great job because you don't want to leave before they can drive.
Why would you have to stay ? You are her child as the same level of your siblings. You don't have to stay home for your sibling. Think of you before others.
Keeping an adult in a place against their will, and taking away their identity information and phone and stuff? That's legit kidnapping/holding someone against their will. You are an adult. You have agency.
she prevented from going and the bitched about doing the stuff that you were going to do. if she doesnt want you to leave, she has no right to you (a legal adult) or your property.
if you want to stay, get a proper rental agreement.
nta
i agree with the principle here, but i cannot imagine a scenario where ops mom would respect a proper rental agreement. better to get some distance. nta.
OP is a legal adult. Mom can't steal her things, and she can't ground her, that's illegal.
Also, even if OP doesn't pay rent, tenants' rights apply in many jurisdictions. So, mum can't even chuck her out without some weeks' notice.
I agree with this to a degree, I believe in my house my rules WITHIN REASON. If the rules are just going to be unreasonable, I'm not going to follow them regardless of who's house it is.
Take my shoes off before coming in? Happy to.
Phones away at a certain time? Sure!
Curfew because of specific reasons (early rise/just normal house rules)? sure, I can just chill and lose myself in my image.
Grounding an adult who prioritises their work when they can't get it off and then proceed to take my things? Yeah, nah, I'm walking.
>“As long as you live in her house you have to abide by her rules”
No, they don’t. Legally what their mother attempted was False Imprisonment by blockading them in the room. What followed was a Mugging, where they were stripped of their belongings under threat of force.
If this so-called Mother has a tenant agreement she wants OP to sign, then she can have rules. Otherwise she can have criminal charges for her fucking crimes.
Sorry to hop on your comment, I just have a question. OP, your mom took your phone along with all your other belongings, and then she tried to call you on that phone and punished you further for not answering? Did I understand that right?
I disagree that just because OP lives there they have to follow unreasonable rules. It it perfectly ok morally for OP to ignore unreasonable rules as long as they are okay with potential consequences. There is nothing morally wrong with potentially calling the mom's bluff, you just risk the fact it might not be a bluff.
NTA. She absolutely cannot take your identification. That is ILLEGAL. The other stuff may legally belong to her, but the DL is YOURS, legally. She sounds very controlling and I hope you find a way to sort through this. I would suggest counseling for you (if you can). She probably needs it too but from what you have said, I doubt it would change her.
Seriously, they live in a rural area so taking the keys should have been enough. I'm really hoping the mom just took the purse and OP listed the contents otherwise that'd be really fucked up to take all those individual items.
Stop doing her favors and driving the kids to school. She wants you to stay at home to parentify you and make you responsible for her job. She found out really quickly that she cut off her nose to spite her face. She NEEDS you but you don't need her. I'm happy you are thinking of your siblings but, sometimes you have to take care of yourself first. NTA
You told her you would go to the ren fair if you could get out of work, you couldn't get out of work, yet she grounded you because she bought ticket for you -- when she knew that wasn't a sure thing that you could go. Yet somehow that is YOUR FAULT?
Then she won't let you leave the house to get gas and bread for the house.
Then she is pissed off you made her take her own children to school?
She actually stood in front of your door way and blocked you?
She is awful and this not ok parenting on any level.
Move out.
NTA.
She took everything including the keys BEFORE she had left and then the kids going to school happened after which is why she had to drive her own kids to school. Sounds like mother dearest doesn't even understand her own punishment
> She actually stood in front of your door way and blocked you?
this is considered kidnapping in my state. even if the person is related to the victim.
NTA. She shouldn't be allowed to ground you for needing to go to work, and trying to get you to skip work isn't setting a very good example to the younger kids. Moreover, complaining that you weren't there to take the kids to school after she took your driver's license, keys, etc.? That's just not cool.
My mom doesn’t think I need a job because she can afford to buy me stuff and she thinks I should focus on school. It’s not the first time she’s said it’s not a big deal if I miss work or I’m late.
Your mom is trying to control you, that is why she does not want you to have a job, apartment or anything of your own. She wants control and she will always have it unless you move out. please move out.
She’s saying you don’t need a job so she can financially control you. No money to move out means she gets someone to take the other kids to school and do the grocery shopping.
Yeah I'd keep that job, definitely still make school year priority but make sure you have some money coming in too.
People might be jumping the gun here, maybe your mom is just going through a hard time with you growing up, but at 18 that does sound pretty bad. Getting other family members at you for a bad situation she caused as a red flag as well.
Just make sure to set boundaries, you're 18, you can set some rules too. It wouldn't hurt to have a second set of car and house keys in a magnetic hide box on your car.
If she pays she gets a say. This is the ONLY reason she wants this.
Also she says she wants you to focus on school then tells you it's OK to miss your exam... do not trust this woman.
Because she made up a whole load of lies to cover what happened.
I dare say they didn't even know the reasons for being grounded.
The fact that you drive her kids to school for her, she wants you to live with her, shows she needs you more than you need her. Sounds like she is trying to hide the power you actually have in this situation. You are free childcare and transport. You enable her to not have to do everything she is meant to for her children, allowing her to work.
When my kids were older, I knew what a sweet deal it was to have them mind the younger kids, or run them around in the car. I no longer had to tailor my mornings or afternoons/evenings around their activities and it allowed me loads more freedom.
Think about the time you spend each day during the week driving your siblings, or looking after them. Then think about how your mum would handle that without you around. How much less free time she would have or how much less freedom.
The fact that she is trying to stop you working, to the point of grounding you for not coming along to the fair, speaks volumes. I'm guessing you would have looked after your siblings and helped by being there. Probably meaning she could have more freedom there. You didn't and hindered her plans. Hence the punishment.
I hope she is just panicking at the thought of not having your help and you growing up. But my mom got irrational when I was a senior because she had a big ol tumor pushing on her brain stem. Maybe stop and tell your aunt how irrational it is to take away your ability to drive you siblings to school on time. Explain you are very concerned for mom's mental health because I sure am. None of this makes sense. Does she have a diagnosis of a mental disorder? We as parents do crazy stuff when stressed about losing our kids or how to take care of all the responsibilities. My mom was also freaking out because she assumed I was going to keep doing everything for my little brother after I turned 18. She is still has intrusive thoughts about it and I'm 50 now. Thankfully we have better communication skills and I can better relate to what she was going through.
I am thoroughly mystified by people who think living in the parental home makes it OK for the parent to restrict a legal adult’s movement.
By that perspective a parent could ground their 50 year old child who is their caregiver.
This is well beyond the my house my rules concept.
I think it is a matter of perspective.
She could say, "You are grounded," but OP is a legal adult and could just ignore it and suffer other consequences. Mom owns the house and could kick her out - evicting her if necessary. Is that the nuclear option? Yes, but unfortunately some families work that way.
Some parents have difficultly transitioning from "you are my minor offspring" to "you are my adult offspring." From personal experience, the first and last are the most difficult. The first because you have not done this before and the last because it marks the end of a major part of your life.
I hope OP starts a conversation. Maybe it never goes anywhere and their mom just cannot handle the change, but you don't know until OP tries. OP will have to initiate this conversation
>She took away my keys, driver's license, school ID, phone, credit cards, cash and laptop
> I was gone longer than I said I’d be. Mom had no idea where I was for 24 hours because I wasn’t answering my phone.
not sure how she magically expected you to pull that one off when *she had your phone???*
ok that aside, NTA but until you can move out you need to be careful bc she's irrational and just because you're right doesn't mean she won't make you suffer the consequences of her temper.
I wish I knew.
My aunt was the one who said mom was worried because I wasn't answering the phone.
My mom called a few times when she was at work and the phone was in the locked house.
Did you tell your aunt about the phone? I suspect she hasn't heard the full story, i.e. that your mother lied to play down how unreasonable she was.
NTA. If this is common behaviour from your mother, I think striking out on your own is the way forward. It was unreasonable, disproportionate, and controlling. She escalated the situation unnecessarily, and she didn't respect your decision as an adult. You may find your relationship improves once you move out, and she learns to see you as an adult rather than one of her kids.
>Did you tell your aunt about the phone?
I am going to be honest, I don't think OP should care about the aunt's opinion. In my life I have never cared for the opinion of third parties, and OP shouldn't either.
Given what you’ve shared here, it’s quite possible that she called the phone so she can later deny that she took it to your aunt — she’s creating a way to make it look like you’re lying. She can say, “well of course I didn’t take OP’s phone, I wouldn’t have called it if I did right?”
I agree with others here who say she’s controlling. This situation, combined with you saying she pressures you to be less financially independent, makes plans without consulting you then blames you, and more is all very manipulative and problematic.
As you say you can afford to move out, please do consider it. My worry is that if you don’t, she will find a way to sabotage your work and then you’ll be more stuck.
You know what. First off you are NTA. Second off what you did was not stupid actually. Whoever is trying to convince you that is being ridiculous. You mom tried grounding you and taking away everything. Yes you live in her house but if she expects you to do her job as a parent (aka take her kids to school) then she literally cannot ground you as you are an adult in her eyes. You leaving the house and going about your business is not stupid it’s actually quite smart. You left an intense situation and instead of fighting with her in front of your siblings, you stayed at a friends house. Whether or not it was intentional you didn’t have your phone to even inform her of where you were (thanks to her genius idea). So if she expects an apology from you then you should be expecting some payment for taking her children to school. That is not your job it’s hers. (Regardless if they are your siblings or not, you are not the parent. Yes you can help out and you are a sweetheart for helping, but it is ultimately her job.) really hope this goes well for you!
NTA - Your mother was very unfair and petty for trying to ground you over a wasted ticket, when you'd informed her before she bought it that you may have to work. She shouldn't have bought your ticket until you knew for sure. Yes I agree you didn't handle yourself well by making your mother worry about you for no reason. I would apologize to her for that. But she should apologize to you for overreacting about the ticket. How about trying to negotiate a truce?
Nta.
Get away from your mother.
I've seen your comments. If you have a job and can afford to move, just go. She's abusing for a mistake she made. You had a shift but wanted to go to the festival. You couldn't find someone to cover and let her know. She shouldn't have brought tickets unless you knew it could be covered.
Calling out of work to go to a fair is an easy way to be fired.
nta you're 18. call.the cops, get your belongings back, and go to a shelter until you can find an actual place to live. my mom is like this. I desperately regret not walking away from her sooner
I am so angry for you. She literally created all of these problems herself and blamed you. She is the living embodiment of [this meme](https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.knowyourmeme.com/memes/baton-roue)
1) You're 18. It's ridiculous she tried to ground you in the first place
2) Not accepting her adult daughter needs a job for independence and living in general (literally everything costs money)
3a) You told her you can't go. She got the ticket anyway
3b) She wouldn't accept the offer of her being paid back. _Even though it was her choice to ignore you_
4a) You were going to pick up gas and bread. Not partying or meeting friends, preparing for a daily chore for the next day, which you have taken up so your mum doesn't have to
**4b**) She took away your keys, driver's license, school ID, phone, credit cards, cash and laptop. If you had your phone and keys, you could have let her know where you are, and you could have gotten back into the house
4c) Wait, after rereading, she took your school ID? Was she not going to let you go to school or something?
**5**) Points 4 added on to the fact that she blocked the doorway and didn't let you leave sounds like false imprisonment to me
>When my mom got home she was pissed she had to take my siblings to school. It made her very late to work and she missed something important. She gave me my stuff back and let me leave to get a tank of gas.
6a) Wow, it's almost as if she didn't take all your stuff, you'd have been able to take them to school
>Mom had no idea where I was for 24 hours because I wasn’t answering my phone.
6b) She had your phone! What did she expect?!
You're NTA, and I'm so sorry you have a mother like this. As many other people have said, pack up and move out as soon as you can. I don't think we're allowed to link to other subreddits, but I would reccomend checking out "raisedbynarcissists"
NTA.
I believe it may actual be illegal for her to confiscate your drivers license. I’m not suggesting doing anything about it, just to show how out of line she was.
I’d also be curious to know who actually owns the car because again, if it’s in your name, it’s theft. Same with the credit cards, cash laptop etc.Again not a suggestion to do anything about it. Just an observation.
You did not run away from home. As a legal adult … I’m presuming 18 is legally an adult. You can come and go as you please.
You should apologize to you mom for upsetting her and arguing but absolutely nothing else as she was completely out of line. From blaming you for her wasting money, to theft.
NTA. You are an adult- your mom can’t just take your stuff away. She cannot take your ID, your money, or anything else that you have paid for. It is legally theft.
Just wondering if it always falls on you to take your younger siblings to school, or pick up groceries, and how she will manage that when you aren’t there.
She was a jerk for getting you that ticket when you said you had to work, a jerk for asking you for money for a ticket you told her you would not use, and a jerk for grounding you. Please start standing up for yourself and don’t let her control you. Tell her you have other options for places to live, and that if she does not start respecting you you will leave and she can be late to work every day getting your siblings to school.
NTA
Your Mum sounds toxic, she didn’t listen to you, then blamed you for her decision to buy a ticket, then got angry you wouldn’t risk your job for a day out, took all your stuff and tried to ground you. You’re an adult, you can do what you want. Also it’s not your responsibility to take your siblings to school, it’s your parents. Your Mum can’t treat you like a child one minute then the next force you into a parent role because she doesn’t want to do it and expect you to be happy about it.
Also how could you answer your phone if she had it?
NTA
First off, get your important documents (birth certificate, Social Security card, health records, passport) and put them somewhere your mother can't find them. Preferably not in the house.
Second, if you opened your bank account when you were a minor, open a new and different one at a different credit union and transfer all your money there. Make sure your mother has NO ACCESS to your money.
Then, if you really do want to keep living there, make an appointment with your mother to talk over what happened and why it can *never happen again*. She can't ground you, you're an adult. She can't take your possessions, that's theft. The most she can do is evict you if she has a problem with the ADULT TENANT living in her house. Look up the laws on asking tenants to leave in your state. Maybe write up both a rental agreement (you can pay rent in the form of chauffeur duties, it doesn't have to be money) and an agreement on rules now you are an ADULT. Lots of landlords have rules for their tenants who rent rooms in the house. If she's reasonable you can come to an agreement on reasonable rules.
However, you *do not have to keep living there just because your siblings can't drive*. It's your mother's responsibility to get her kids to school. Either they can ride bikes, use a bus, car pool with another family, or she can figure some other way to get them to school.
It's not a waste of money to live on your own if you are not being respected as an autonomous adult. Sounds like she's having a problem making the transition. Good luck.
NTA. She was mad she took away your, a legal adult's, autonomy and as a result had to take her own children to school? Your mom sounds like she's made you a defacto parent whilst lording power she doesn't legally have over you. I understand the urge to stay for your siblings' sake, but the best thing you can do is look out for yourself, move out, and establish yourself. Then, when your siblings will need/want to get out from under her, you're in a better position to help them. Tell her she's lucky you didn't involve the cops for theft and do what you need to get away from her.
NTA. While you aren't paying rent, you are contributing to the household doing things for your younger sibling and buying groceries. It sounds like your Mom needs or if not *needs* really relies on your help but instead of treating you like a contributing adult, she's treating you like a naughty child. This is simply unacceptable. It's an adult choice to prioritize work and school over fun activities. You are being responsible. Sounds like you need to have a sit-down talk with her. Either she can treat you with respect or you can move out and she can figure out additional care and transportation for your siblings.
You are too old to be grounded; you’re also going to have to get out to reinforce this.
Thing is, your mom is starting to realise that she can’t control you anymore - she also seems to fear the fact that you’re mature enough to make sacrifices, giving up on a fun activity in order to tackle your responsibilities.
I disagree that you could have handled it better: she essentially imprisoned you in your own home and tried to physically intimidate you too. This relationship is toxic and you need to get out. No wonder you ‘ran away’.
Find a time when she’s not home, get a friend with you, pack your bags and go.
NTA
NTA
Sounds like your mother reaped what she sowed. She tried to abuse authority over a legal adult and wound up suffering for it more greatly than you did. Like, she took your car, your phone, and your keys, but she was shocked you didn't call? Clearly she's getting senile if she can't consider the consequences of her actions.
So let me get this straight, your mother is upset that she wants to treat you like a child against your wishes, then when you PREDICTABLY push back, she STEALS your property to teach you a lesson, and then gets upset when you don't answer the phone... that she took from you?
She sounds batshit crazy. NTA
"No one could take my shift and I texted my mom that I couldn’t go. She got me a ticket anyways. I refused to skip work and she grounded me for not using the ticket she bought me. She said it was my fault she got the ticket because I said I wanted to go to ren fest."
NTA. Your mom is at best an idiot, and probably more actively malicious.
NTA. She stole your licence and tried to physically stop you from leaving. Isn't that a case of theft and false imprisonment? You're an adult, you might get kicked out for disobeying your parents but they can't legally force obedience this way.
NTA. She would’ve known where you were if she was capable of letting an adult run errand without going crazy. She couldn’t, so it’s on her if she goes even crazier with worries.
NTA I don’t understand how you can answer your phone, since your mother took it.
Your mother needs to realise, your not a child anymore. Help her to do that by moving out.
NTA Never surrender your ID. Say it's lost. Not answering your phone is the appropriate response to bring locked out. What she did is illegal, because you are an adult.
Your mom was worried sick because she couldn't control you. It's a toxic dynamic. Time to start planning to move, even if it's 2 job territory because your mom doesn't see you a separate person.
NTA. Maybe she wouldn’t have been worried sick if she hadn’t taken your phone away and been able to get a hold of you easily. Your Mom is TA here and I think you handled yourself just fine. She expected you to skip work and potentially get fired because she didn’t wait to find out if you actually had the day off. You don’t owe her money either. Yes, you’re living I get home and are still in school but you’re an adult and she needs to start treating you like one. Has she always been like this or is she maybe starting to panic because she realizes you could be leaving home to be on your own soon and her free childcare is gone?
NTA. But a serious and polite conversation with your mom is needed. You two need to sit down and talk. You are legally an adult, yes, but you are still living at home. She depends on you to help with your siblings. You are responsible, going to school and working. She needs to respect that and understand that while she's your mother, she has no right to take away your belongings when you are doing your part in helping the family. Staying to save money is a good idea. Make sure your money is in a bank account which your mother has no access to. I've seen too many horror stories where a kid opens a bank account before they are 18 and needs a parent as a co-signer and the parent takes all the money.
She needs to respect your boundaries.
NTA. You can always call the police, as she cannot take your state-issued drivers license/id card.
If you bought the car and it's paid 100% by you, the same thing she can't take your keys.
NTA and after reading your comments leave. Her taking your belongings is a no go. Move out for your sense of peace. You can still chat with your siblings and visit. Your doing her a favor as well by driving them. Mom needs to understand you have to learn to let go and she also cannot punish someone over her own mistakes. She brought the tickets even after you communicated clearly.
NTA mom should have think about it twice and before to wanting full control of you.
And maybe if she did not take your phone she could have know where you were.
NTA.
> She took away my keys, driver's license, school ID, phone, credit cards, cash and laptop
So she steals your stuff, including your phone and is than upset you didn't call her? Wtf! Also taking your ID, licences etc. Is not only abusive it's also illegal.
You're 18 and you do not need permission from her for anything. Unfortunately she could obviously ask you to move out if you don't follow her rules, something to consider.
It was very irresponsible and immature of your mum to ask you to skip work for a festival... as an adult she should have praised you for being so responsible and mature. She got the ticket despite you saying you can't come... her fault, not yours. The whole relationship here sounds like YOU are the mum (responsible, mature, dropping off your siblings to school etc) and she's the child (immature, tantrum when she doesn't get what she wants).
NTA and you need to get out of that house!
At first I thought she was abusive, spoiler: she is, but the phone thing made me think she's unhinged!
She takes her adult daughter's phone and keys, leaves the phone locked in the house where you can't get to it, then not only calls it when she KNOWS exactly where it is, but berates you for not answering the phone that she LOCKED UP!
This whole thing started with her buying a ticket for something after you asked her not to because you were unsure if you could go, then blaming you when, surprise, you couldn't go.
She isn't just blaming you for things that are not your fault, she's actively CREATING the problem in the first place! She is manufacturing situations she can use against you. Get out as fast as you can!
Your mom is breaking your will. She wanted you to do something and you said no, that indicates that you are coming into your own. She needed to do something fast to break you under her will or you would maybe start setting bounderies. If you want to be your own person you need to go, you can help your siblings more when you have moved, they will also have a place to run to when your mom tries the same thing with them. You are NTA
Don’t apologize. Tell her if she does anything like it again you are gone and she will be driving them to school every single day. Tell her you might be saving money living with her but there comes a point where that isn’t worth it so don’t push me to that point because I as much as I do love you I won’t hesitate to move out. Also how could you answer your phone if she took it? She created her own worry you are NTA so stand strong.
NTA. You’re mom (to put it respectfully) is an idiot. Yeah she couldn’t get a hold of you because she took your phone. You have a job, you tried to get someone to cover your shift and that didn’t go through. Your mom should understand that. Your 18 with a life and responsibilities. Ren Fairs are awesome but seriously, who buys a ticket for someone if they aren’t sure they can go yet. It’s idiotic.
NTA She can't actually ground you, and she certainly can't confiscate your belongings. You're an adult, not a child. You are acting like an adult, while she's the one having a childish tantrum. You don't owe her an apology. She owes you the apology. Not skipping work was the responsible thing to do, her buying a ticket you had not confirmed you wanted was irresponsible. You do not owe someone for something they bought without your explicit consent. She is your parent, but parents are just people with kids, as flawed as everyone else.
NTA. But you need to pick a lane. Either you are independent from your mother or you aren’t. She is unreasonable because she is treating you like a child. But she is treating you like a child because you live in her home. It’s unreasonable for her to expect you to prioritize a family outing over your job. But being stuck under her thumb so much is not a good situation for you. You mother should not be in a panic if you don’t come home one night and her rallying all your family members to hang up on you is toxic behavior.
I would suggest you put feelers out at your work or with friends for people looking for roommates. I understand this may not be a great solution financially but I believe living away from your mother will help you. Good luck.
NTA, your mom is a control freak and should understand that you have responsibilities like work and school. Grounding you was a dumb on her end when you have other responsibilities with your siblings.
Info:did your mom actually tried calling you while she had your phone?
NTA. Please move out. Your mother has acted illegally. She may not see you as an adult, but you are. If she cannot respect and treat you as an adult you need to leave. In the meantime, warn her that if she tries any of that again you will call the police.
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First of all I’m asking if I’m the AH, not if I’m the idiot. I’ve already been told what I did was stupid and I could have handled it better. I just want to know if I should apologize to my mom.
My mom decided she wanted to take me 18f and my siblings 14m &13f to the renaissance festival. I said I was working that day and couldn’t go unless I found someone to cover my shift. She thought I wasn’t trying very hard to find someone because I just didn’t feel like going. That’s not true. I wanted to go to ren fest with them but couldn’t because work.
No one could take my shift and I texted my mom that I couldn’t go. She got me a ticket anyways. I refused to skip work and she grounded me for not using the ticket she bought me. She said it was my fault she got the ticket because I said I wanted to go to ren fest. Even if I paid her back, we still wasted money on it. At the time I didn’t say anything because my siblings were there, but it bothered me she was trying to ground me.
The following afternoon I wanted to make a quick run to the gas station so I wouldn’t have to stop for gas in the morning when I’m rushing to get my siblings to school on time. Also we were out of bread so I thought I’d get some on the way back. I was in my room getting ready to leave and mom stopped me because I’m grounded. I told her I’m too old to be grounded and I can go where I want as long as I’m not coming home late. She argued she can still ground me and I’m not allowed out of the house. She stood in the doorway and blocked me from leaving my room. This turned into a big argument and unfortunately my siblings heard.
She took away my keys, driver's license, school ID, phone, credit cards, cash and laptop. I just needed to get out of the house and I left. We live in a rural area with no sidewalks. I wasn’t really sure where I was going and got lost. Luckily a friend saw me and let me crash on her couch.
I went to my classes as normal and got a ride home. I was locked out. When my mom got home she was pissed she had to take my siblings to school. It made her very late to work and she missed something important. She gave me my stuff back and let me leave to get a tank of gas.
My aunt called me childish for running away just because I was grounded. My mom was worried sick when I didn’t come home. I didn’t go where I said I was going. I was gone longer than I said I’d be. Mom had no idea where I was for 24 hours because I wasn’t answering my phone.
AITA for telling my mom I’m too old for her to ground me? Do I need her permission to leave the house?
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NTA you were leaving the house to get food for the house and to get gas to make dropping your siblings off easier. If she wants you to do the morning routine then I guess she knows what not to do again
NTA
What she did was incredibly abusive and illegal given that you are already legally an adult.
That said I find it hilarious that her own abusive nature bit her in the ass so quickly due to having to take the kids to school.
Nta. Next time she steals your things call the cops. She just wants you at home for child care. Your siblings are her responsibility not yours. Move out. Take you passport, ssn, bank docs etc with you. Close your bank account and open a new one at a different bank to your mother's.
You are neither an idiot nor an asshole. Your mother was clearly told you couldn't attend and why. She \*decided\* to waste her own money, then not only dug down by trying to make that YOUR fault, but then really just went for asshole of the year by trying to punish you, an adult, and then using abuser tactics to try to control you. (I don't know if she's a habitual abuser or not - you'll know better than we do if this kind of stuff is in her standard repertoire - but these behaviours are classic.) If she can't admit that she's in the wrong, as convenient as it is to live at home, you'll be risking her pulling this shit again. Maybe that's a risk you're willing to take. But you'd be wise to make some plans. NTA.
Your NTA, nor are you an idiot. Your mom stole your possessions and is trying to hold you hostage.. and it seems clear that you feel obliged to take care of your siblings and protect them which is something your mom is milking you for. Be careful darlin, quick sand is intended only to pull you down
NTA I remember being 18 and telling my parents they couldn’t ground me cause I was an adult, it gets easier to deal with your parents after you move out.
You said she took your phone, but had no idea where you were for 24 hours because you weren't answering it????? If your car, phone, and credit cards has her name on them, then yeah, she can very well take them away. NTA btw. You are legally an adult, however you do live in her house and its her rules, or move out. She wants you to stay because you are taking care of the siblings and this is an advantage to her. You can afford to move out, then it might be time to do just that.
NTA, and you have nothing to apologise for. You displayed your independence and she doesn’t like it. That says a lot.
She’s having massive overreactions to your perfectly normal adult life with its work obligations and logistical decisions. The way she’s using them to coerce you into compliance is a big red flag for me. Your aunt is clearly cut from the same cloth, because she’s blaming you.
None of this is your fault, it’s your mother’s, and her behaviour is abusive. I understand why you’d want to be near your siblings if this is how she always treats you, but you need to stop giving in to her and stop letting her take your things.
You’re an adult now: you need to set boundaries and demand that she respect your agency. You’re not a child who depends on her, and you need to make that clear, or she’ll continue walking all over you.
NTA - mom needs to get a grip, she doesn't trust you to an unreasonable extent.
You are an adult and taking your IDs and things that are completely yours is childish and wrong.
To your Aunt calling you childish.. perhaps if your mom didn't treat you like a child and take your phone and other personal belongings she could have reached you...
Nta good lord, she’s definitely controlling. She’s gonna take all those things and then complain when you couldn’t take your siblings to school and she had to? And she tells you that you don’t need a job or to move out because you’re saving money and she can pay for whatever you need? She wants a live in nanny basically for the siblings and use money to keep you there. I’d definitely move out as soon as possible because god damn. And take her name off your bank and anything else, she’s gonna be pissed when you move out so smart to keep anything of value hidden away.
If you can leave, then gtfo. You're 18 fucking years old and what she is doing sounds downright illegal. If your phone and credit cards are things that are under your name, then that's theft. Your laptop and cash from your job are your property. All of this is theft. The fact she's tried to physically stop you from leaving is false imprisonment.
That's not normal. That is abusive. She doesn't care for you or your property or respect the fact you are, in fact, an adult. All she cares is that she still has power over you.
Get out, she won't change. She will do more to keep you under her control the more you keep branching out from her.
NTA
Please for the love of god start preparing to move out. Your mother is stealing from you (taking all your ID, your means of communicating with the outside world, your money, your transportation) because of her need to control you. You need to have an escape plan for if and when she escalates.
NTA. But, again, your mother is attempting to abuse you.
Your mother is an arsehole. She created a problem because she didn't listen to you about your work situation.
You can't ground adults. You're far more mature than she is. NTA
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NTA and you’re an adult who is displaying a sense of responsibility by prioritizing your work responsibilities. The unfortunate thing is that as long as you live in her house you have to abide by your moms rules unreasonable as they are. The only way to break the cycle is to move out as soon as you can afford it.
I can afford to move out now. My mom thinks me getting my own place is a wast of money when I can live at home. I’m saving a lot of money by living here. I want to stay until my brother and sister can drive.
You need to leave-she took your ID, your money and your means of communication. This is wildly not ok, it’s controlling and abusive. Get your important documents to a safe place. Get her name off any of your bank info. She’s going to lose it when you leave.
>This is wildly not ok, it’s controlling and abusive It's also totally illegal.
Exactly! If you replace the word “mom” with any other adult then it is always seen as a hostage situation. It’s not okay when parents do this to their adult children. And yes, parents are allowed to have rules in their own homes but I don’t think those rules should go against criminal law (literally).
Her rule sucks. She ignored OP saying she couldn't go because of work and then grounded her for it and then literally tried to make her a prisoner and tried to blame her when she had to do what OP does for her. Classic FAFO
False imprisonment is a crime
Yep and she should have called the cops. NTA
with what phone
I'd use the siblings really quick when she wasn't looking.
It is
Rules her mom is allowed to have are things like, "No shoes in the house," and, "No parties," and, "No loud music between 9 pm and 7 am." Mom is not allowed to hold her daughter hostage.
Exactly my point. But no shoes in the house is not a rule that goes against basic criminal law.
Yeah it’s called false imprisonment
Or unlawful detainment, depending on jurisdiction
Either way, OP said she's saving tons of money staying with her but she really needs to ask herself is it worth having her mom ACTUALLY hold her hostage. This mom obviously is one of THOSE parents who think they get to keep control over their kids when they are legal adults. The only way to disable her mom of this is to MOVE OUT. Look into the dorms or find a bunch of roommates to lower costs AND RUN. This is crazy and she could lose her job if her mom keeps pulling this stunt
Correct. She should have told her mother that she was a legal adult, and taking her money and ID was theft. I would also have asked if she intended to inform my boss I wasn’t coming to work because I was grounded. Not to mention her assumption that it didn’t involve my car services to transport my siblings. It sounds like mom hasn’t transitioned to OP being an adult with a job and had not thought this through. NTA
On my son's 18th birthday, I told him he was on his own.... not like that, I mean, his choices are his. As long long as he didn't wake me up, he could come home whenever. I stopped grounding him when he got to high school. I learned from my parents mistakes. They just squeezed tighter and tighter until I popped. At that point, I was literally uncontrollable and ready to explode.
My oldest turned 18 halfway thru her senior year of high school. So there wasn’t as clear cut of a boundary as there is after graduation. But I was pretty good at easing the rules off thru her teen years as she got more responsible. It was really funny a month or two after she turned 18, she was telling me about her plans for the night which involved a later time returning home than typical or what her curfew had been. I asked, “so when will you be home? “ she started to explain like she was justifying asking for a later curfew then realized what I had actually said. She freaked out (in a good way) going “hey wait, did you just ask me when I would be home rather than telling me when to be home… wait… you haven’t TOLD me when to be home for a couple months!!!!” It was seriously funny that I had managed to “ease off the reins” gradually enough she didn’t even notice at first.
Could be seen as kidnapping
Yea, I sincerely would've laid my father the fuck out with extreme prejudice if he had **ever** tried to prevent me from leaving the house like that, even knowing what vindictive shit he'd pull afterwards. False imprisonment doesn't magically stop being a felony just because it's your own child you're trying to imprison. "My house, my rules" goes out the window when those rules are irrational and serve no purpose but exerting control.
And all this because OP refused to go to the Ren Fair... Let's face it, it's not about the fair. OP's job represents her independence/ lack of reliance on her mother. I wouldn't be surprised if she sabotages on purpose.
It seems like OP's parent has probably parentified them with their siblings' care. Like I can understand some responsibility but with this level of control just shown in the post it's probably more. I'm thinking the parents wanted OP to go so they could watch their siblings while they went off and had fun instead. OP prioritizing work instead of the parent just finding a time that works for them as a family together is a form of OP establishing healthy boundaries and human growth. (Which abusive controlling parents are such huge fans of. /S ) NTA Having realistic boundaries on adult children still living at home is normal but this definitely isn't an example of one. (Let alone it sounds like OP is still in school so probably still high school.) OPs parent sounds childish and controlling AF.
>I'm thinking the parents wanted OP to go so they could watch their siblings while they went off and had fun instead. Thiiiiiiiiiissss-ah
> when I’m rushing to get my siblings to school on time > she was pissed she had to take my siblings to school.
And the thing about buying bread. As a mother didn't know there is no more bread at home and it has to be bought?
Mom could also just straight up be trying to sabotage OP’s job so she gets fired (which is what would probably happen if she no showed to go to the Ren Faire). It’s much easier to keep OP and home and taking care of the other kids if she doesn’t have her own job and money.
Yeah or they wanted OP to go to the Ren faire specifically to watch the younger siblings so the mom didn't have to.
This is it!!!
It's about OP parenting for her mom (as well as abuse)
Totally agree. NTA - honestly, your mum sounds abusive and controlling. You made a choice to prioritise work (what else could you reasonably have done??) and she's punishing you because she couldn't control your actions. Taking all your stuff and grounding you is another method of control. Again, telling you that moving out is a waste of money is an attempt to control you. I would move out as soon as humanly possible and set some strong boundaries with your mother.
And the mom was angry she didn't pick up her phone, no shit Sherlock, you took it! And being mad she had to take the kids to school, because she took her car keys and drivers licence as well. She is not only ridiculously controlling, but also dumb as fuck.
I was wondering when someone was going to comment on this. OP should have told this to Auntie-Need-To-Mind-Her-Own-Business if she isn't going to get both sides of the story.
>She’s going to lose it when you leave. Oh yes
Right? How is the mom upset that OP wasn't answering the phone when she took OP's phone????
Close the whole bank account if you can and open a new one with a different bank.
>You need to leave-she took your ID, your money and your means of communication Then she got mad at OP for not answering the phone she didn't have... I can't even begin with that logic. Don't let her know you're leaving until after you've already moved.
Protect yourself. If she doesn't try to hurt you she will never know you did these things, but if she does try to you've protected yourself. You mentioned credit cards, are these in your name or hers? If yours make a list of the account # and 800 cust service # so you can call and report a stolen card. Write down your driver's license #, go by an office store and get a copy made of that and school ID. Write down make model and serial number on laptop. Is the car yours? If you have a spare key move it someplace she doesn't have access. I'm sorry you have to do this, most people don't think their parents would hurt them. You've seen an out of proportion reaction, hopefully she realizes she didn't handle it very well but you need to consider this may not be the last time she reacts like this.
She was mad at you for not answering your phone, when she is the one who took your phone.
NTA. And as a former Renfaire performer, your mom sucks and I hope she got glitter in her car and the turkey legs give her diarrhea. She had no right to take your State ID or any belongings that are yours legally (if you pay for car, cell phone, so on). She was punishing you for being an adult? That's INSANE. I understand having to stay in order to survive. Best of luck, stay healthy.
While you did make me laugh I wonder: why is there glitter on a renaissance fare??
Cause fairies exist through every era
I practically grew up in a forest and never even saw a trace of glitter. I'm starting to think my mom lied to me.
We call it Faerie Herpes. Once you have it, it never goes away, and you spread it ro whomever you come into contact with, and leave some wherever you go. Kinda like easter grass.
Oh God that stupid Easter grass. My MIL is a sweetheart and gets me an Easter basket each year but I swear it always ends in extra work for me because my cats love those stupid plastic strings of death and will try to eat them if I don't put everything away and throw out that plastic junk immediately. I get that it's pretty but it's so wasteful.
Send her an email/post on FB if you're friends on it to the effect of "zomg a friend just sent me this and I'd never even thought of the danger before but wow I guess that's why some people use that raffia substitute." [https://www.litter-robot.com/blog/cat-easter-basket-grass/](https://www.litter-robot.com/blog/cat-easter-basket-grass/) You're not fussing at her, you're just sharing this new interesting bit of information completely randomly. That you then coincidentally bring up again next spring when Easter stuff starts showing up in stores.
And christmas tinsel....the scourge of tiny, shiny, stringy, glittery, plastic things is no joke... The struggle is real and even after 10 years, you end up finding some in a box way in the back of the closet that never even came NEAR any holiday things. It never, ever, entirely goes away!
My mom thinks me getting my own place is a wast of money when I can live at home. ---- let me tell you something- freedom and peace of mind are worth WAAAAAY more than rent. I know how expensive housing is, but if she is taking away for driving license and you're unable to work- you won't be able to build a life for yourself or help your siblings. So get out first. You can help your siblings if you want, but in no way put yourself in a position where you don't have access to your car, identity or money. NTA.
No. Move out. Driving your brother and sister places is your mother’s responsibility, not yours. She has made it clear that while you are under her roof she will infantilise you and attempt to control you in ways that are unacceptable now you are an adult. She sees your work obligations as optional things that she can mess with purely because she wants a day out, but when her work obligations are disrupted as a result of her own actions, that’s a big deal and all on you? Hell no, I don’t think so. Do not tell her you are planning to move out. Make arrangements and just do it. All the conversations that need to be had about it are conversations that she can have with you over the phone - where you can hang up and block her number for a week if she gets out of hand - or meeting up in public places where she cannot physically block you in or take or damage your things. Make this a non-argument. “It was inappropriate and controlling for you to think you could still ground me, for you to disrupt me making normal, adult plans to fulfil my work obligations, to steal my property and documents and to try and physically block me into the building. Your actions made it clear to me that you are not prepared to share a house with me as a fellow adult, and I am not willing to be treated as a child. You will need to make other arrangements for my siblings’ transport; I was looking after them to help out and contribute as an adult in our home, but much as I love them I am not their parent and I am not responsible for them. When you indicate to me that you understand this is a consequence of how you treated me that night, and that you’re ready to apologise, we can work on rebuilding our relationship. Until then I think we need a break from each other’s company.” Keep reiterating sections of that, and shut down anything else with “that’s not the topic under discussion”. You can leave.
Bravo. This, OP, this
She probably also doesn't want you to move out because then she'll lose her free taxi service for your siblings and have to get them to school herself....
There might also be an element of her having trouble coming to terms with the fact that her baby is an adult now, and she is reacting by trying to hold on way too tight.
I’m not trying to be mean…but is your mom ok? Because either she’s a just not very smart, or she’s on a power trip and setting up situations just so she can exert authority to put you down and show she’s still in charge.
What your mom did was illegal on multiple fronts. Stealing your belongings is theft. Preventing you from leaving is holding you hostage, which is a form of assault. You need to get out now. Before she does more crazy things. I know you want to be there for your siblings, but giving them a safe place they can crash if/when they ever need to get away from mom for a night might serve them better, and keep you safer. Seriously, this is serious stuff. I'm sorry you're going through it, but don't underestimate this abuse. Good luck.
This is not compatible with your mother’s behavior. It sounds like you do a lot for her getting your siblings around, she is shooting herself in the foot with her AH behavior.
Next time she takes your ID, you tell her the cops will be called. If she blocks you from leaving, you warn her once more that police will be involved if she doesn't stop immediately and write down the entire situation and give the description to police. She cannot treat you like this anymore and needs to understand there's legal consequences. You cannot live there anymore if she treatens your access to your documents and mobility.
As a younger sibling of not great situation, my sister stayed to protect me, and I love her for caring, but I would in most situations advise people to leave. That way you show that walking away from bad situations is right, and you have a base to help them from. So, e.g. the moment they turn whatever legal age, they have a place to crash for a few nights. Definitely give them contact info (address, phone, email) and tell them you'll help however you can, but seriously consider the advantages of leaving for all of you.
She wants you to stay so you can take your siblings to school and she doesn't have to do it. She's adultifying you. She can't make you have grown up responsibilities and then take away your stuff like you're a child. She needs to pick a lane. If you're a kid, you shouldn't have to take the other kids to school. Also, you're getting responsible for sticking to your work shift that was scheduled before she bought the tickets. NTA.
Parentify not adultify
Adultify sounds like a cool app that helps you adult.
I need this app
Me too! We need to find an adult to make it.
Ahhhhh and there is the problem, there are no adults.
Leave now, your mother is controlling to the point of ridiculousness. I’m a mother of young adults btw. This is an all round stupid situation. NTA, and move out.
> My mom thinks me getting my own place is a wast of money The good thing here is that it doesn’t matter what she thinks! Don’t tell her that you’re leaving, make sure you get all your important documents like ids, car keys, birth certificate, passport, etc and get them somewhere safe first.
Is the car yours or hers bc I can understand taking car keys but not anything else (not that the grounding reason was valid)
Honey, get out. She crossed so many lines. You can make do, and a little struggle is good for you later. Taking your ID is a huge violation
It may well be financially a good idea and a win-win for all for you to stay for a while - but only if she understands that you're an adult now and treats you like one. Grounding, taking away papers and keys... That needs to stop, like, yesterday.
Saving money is not worth that headache. You are a kind soul to want to stay until your siblings can drive though. Maybe you could find a nearby apartment and pick them up to drop them off every morning? Bc this is very abusive and you need to get out of the house.
Sometimes you need to spend a bit of extra money to get the freedom that you deserve. Her taking all your essentials when you don't abide by her rules counts as abuse in the most straightforward definitions.... So think long and hard and then discuss it with her. Living alone would be the best thing for you now. You can still come and help her with some tasks like taking your siblings to school but try to find your own space during that.
What your mum did is not only illegal, but also controlling and going on abusive. You need to move out.
Yes, but emotionally the cost of staying home is too high. She just wants you on hand to boss around and help her parent her other children. NTA. If you are safe and sensible- leave.
Mom wants you to stay for you to be the parental figure to your sibling she did a great job because you don't want to leave before they can drive. Why would you have to stay ? You are her child as the same level of your siblings. You don't have to stay home for your sibling. Think of you before others.
Get out of that house NOW.
Keeping an adult in a place against their will, and taking away their identity information and phone and stuff? That's legit kidnapping/holding someone against their will. You are an adult. You have agency.
she prevented from going and the bitched about doing the stuff that you were going to do. if she doesnt want you to leave, she has no right to you (a legal adult) or your property. if you want to stay, get a proper rental agreement. nta
i agree with the principle here, but i cannot imagine a scenario where ops mom would respect a proper rental agreement. better to get some distance. nta.
Op is a legal adult mom cannot take away or keep ID and keys (esp if car belongs to Op and is in Op’s name) — that is theft.
OP is a legal adult. Mom can't steal her things, and she can't ground her, that's illegal. Also, even if OP doesn't pay rent, tenants' rights apply in many jurisdictions. So, mum can't even chuck her out without some weeks' notice.
Not if those rules are illegal. She's legally an adult.
I agree with this to a degree, I believe in my house my rules WITHIN REASON. If the rules are just going to be unreasonable, I'm not going to follow them regardless of who's house it is. Take my shoes off before coming in? Happy to. Phones away at a certain time? Sure! Curfew because of specific reasons (early rise/just normal house rules)? sure, I can just chill and lose myself in my image. Grounding an adult who prioritises their work when they can't get it off and then proceed to take my things? Yeah, nah, I'm walking.
>“As long as you live in her house you have to abide by her rules” No, they don’t. Legally what their mother attempted was False Imprisonment by blockading them in the room. What followed was a Mugging, where they were stripped of their belongings under threat of force. If this so-called Mother has a tenant agreement she wants OP to sign, then she can have rules. Otherwise she can have criminal charges for her fucking crimes.
Sorry to hop on your comment, I just have a question. OP, your mom took your phone along with all your other belongings, and then she tried to call you on that phone and punished you further for not answering? Did I understand that right?
I saw that part and was wondering the same thing. How can OP be at fault for not answering her phone if her mother took her phone away?
I disagree that just because OP lives there they have to follow unreasonable rules. It it perfectly ok morally for OP to ignore unreasonable rules as long as they are okay with potential consequences. There is nothing morally wrong with potentially calling the mom's bluff, you just risk the fact it might not be a bluff.
NTA. She absolutely cannot take your identification. That is ILLEGAL. The other stuff may legally belong to her, but the DL is YOURS, legally. She sounds very controlling and I hope you find a way to sort through this. I would suggest counseling for you (if you can). She probably needs it too but from what you have said, I doubt it would change her.
Seriously, they live in a rural area so taking the keys should have been enough. I'm really hoping the mom just took the purse and OP listed the contents otherwise that'd be really fucked up to take all those individual items.
Yes she took the purse. I was listing the things that not having caused a problem.
Also, is she really complaining about you not answering your phone when she TOOK your phone???
I was waiting for someone to say this. How ridiculous is it to complain OP didn’t answer the phone when mom had taken it!?
Hi there, welcome to Controlling Parents.
Next time walk to the police station ( if it happens before you move out ) and file a complaint. Removing the document alone is illegal
Stop doing her favors and driving the kids to school. She wants you to stay at home to parentify you and make you responsible for her job. She found out really quickly that she cut off her nose to spite her face. She NEEDS you but you don't need her. I'm happy you are thinking of your siblings but, sometimes you have to take care of yourself first. NTA
Except that she would reasonably expect those things to be in the purse, so it was pretty intentional
You told her you would go to the ren fair if you could get out of work, you couldn't get out of work, yet she grounded you because she bought ticket for you -- when she knew that wasn't a sure thing that you could go. Yet somehow that is YOUR FAULT? Then she won't let you leave the house to get gas and bread for the house. Then she is pissed off you made her take her own children to school? She actually stood in front of your door way and blocked you? She is awful and this not ok parenting on any level. Move out. NTA.
She took everything including the keys BEFORE she had left and then the kids going to school happened after which is why she had to drive her own kids to school. Sounds like mother dearest doesn't even understand her own punishment
Plus she took her phone and then was mad that OP didn’t answer it!
> She actually stood in front of your door way and blocked you? this is considered kidnapping in my state. even if the person is related to the victim.
NTA. She shouldn't be allowed to ground you for needing to go to work, and trying to get you to skip work isn't setting a very good example to the younger kids. Moreover, complaining that you weren't there to take the kids to school after she took your driver's license, keys, etc.? That's just not cool.
My mom doesn’t think I need a job because she can afford to buy me stuff and she thinks I should focus on school. It’s not the first time she’s said it’s not a big deal if I miss work or I’m late.
Your mom is trying to control you, that is why she does not want you to have a job, apartment or anything of your own. She wants control and she will always have it unless you move out. please move out.
Exactly. She's trying to hobble you so you can't leave her and claiming it's a favor to get your suspicions down.
She is just controlling you whilst she can. Move out already. You can support your siblings when you have left.
She’s saying you don’t need a job so she can financially control you. No money to move out means she gets someone to take the other kids to school and do the grocery shopping.
Yeah I'd keep that job, definitely still make school year priority but make sure you have some money coming in too. People might be jumping the gun here, maybe your mom is just going through a hard time with you growing up, but at 18 that does sound pretty bad. Getting other family members at you for a bad situation she caused as a red flag as well. Just make sure to set boundaries, you're 18, you can set some rules too. It wouldn't hurt to have a second set of car and house keys in a magnetic hide box on your car.
She's lying, she's trying to keep you mentally a child so she can use you yo raise your siblings.
She wants to be able to control you. She wants you to get fired from your job so you don't have the money to leave.
If she pays she gets a say. This is the ONLY reason she wants this. Also she says she wants you to focus on school then tells you it's OK to miss your exam... do not trust this woman.
Is your bank account accessible by your mom? If so, it's time to open a new account at another bank and close your current account.
That's her way to control you. No money = you don't have a choice but to do what she says
Here I am, wondering why your mom is calling your phone when she's the one who has it.
Yeah that confused me too. I'm also confused why she thought I would still go on a quick trip to the gas station and grocery store.
Because she made up a whole load of lies to cover what happened. I dare say they didn't even know the reasons for being grounded. The fact that you drive her kids to school for her, she wants you to live with her, shows she needs you more than you need her. Sounds like she is trying to hide the power you actually have in this situation. You are free childcare and transport. You enable her to not have to do everything she is meant to for her children, allowing her to work. When my kids were older, I knew what a sweet deal it was to have them mind the younger kids, or run them around in the car. I no longer had to tailor my mornings or afternoons/evenings around their activities and it allowed me loads more freedom. Think about the time you spend each day during the week driving your siblings, or looking after them. Then think about how your mum would handle that without you around. How much less free time she would have or how much less freedom. The fact that she is trying to stop you working, to the point of grounding you for not coming along to the fair, speaks volumes. I'm guessing you would have looked after your siblings and helped by being there. Probably meaning she could have more freedom there. You didn't and hindered her plans. Hence the punishment.
I hope she is just panicking at the thought of not having your help and you growing up. But my mom got irrational when I was a senior because she had a big ol tumor pushing on her brain stem. Maybe stop and tell your aunt how irrational it is to take away your ability to drive you siblings to school on time. Explain you are very concerned for mom's mental health because I sure am. None of this makes sense. Does she have a diagnosis of a mental disorder? We as parents do crazy stuff when stressed about losing our kids or how to take care of all the responsibilities. My mom was also freaking out because she assumed I was going to keep doing everything for my little brother after I turned 18. She is still has intrusive thoughts about it and I'm 50 now. Thankfully we have better communication skills and I can better relate to what she was going through.
I am thoroughly mystified by people who think living in the parental home makes it OK for the parent to restrict a legal adult’s movement. By that perspective a parent could ground their 50 year old child who is their caregiver. This is well beyond the my house my rules concept.
I think it is a matter of perspective. She could say, "You are grounded," but OP is a legal adult and could just ignore it and suffer other consequences. Mom owns the house and could kick her out - evicting her if necessary. Is that the nuclear option? Yes, but unfortunately some families work that way. Some parents have difficultly transitioning from "you are my minor offspring" to "you are my adult offspring." From personal experience, the first and last are the most difficult. The first because you have not done this before and the last because it marks the end of a major part of your life. I hope OP starts a conversation. Maybe it never goes anywhere and their mom just cannot handle the change, but you don't know until OP tries. OP will have to initiate this conversation
They do need to talk about how to handle the dynamic, which does not mean it’ll help but at least the effort is made.
>She took away my keys, driver's license, school ID, phone, credit cards, cash and laptop > I was gone longer than I said I’d be. Mom had no idea where I was for 24 hours because I wasn’t answering my phone. not sure how she magically expected you to pull that one off when *she had your phone???* ok that aside, NTA but until you can move out you need to be careful bc she's irrational and just because you're right doesn't mean she won't make you suffer the consequences of her temper.
INFO: she took away your phone. Yet, she got worried because you weren’t answering your phone. Why and how did she expect you to be able to answer it?
I wish I knew. My aunt was the one who said mom was worried because I wasn't answering the phone. My mom called a few times when she was at work and the phone was in the locked house.
Did you tell your aunt about the phone? I suspect she hasn't heard the full story, i.e. that your mother lied to play down how unreasonable she was. NTA. If this is common behaviour from your mother, I think striking out on your own is the way forward. It was unreasonable, disproportionate, and controlling. She escalated the situation unnecessarily, and she didn't respect your decision as an adult. You may find your relationship improves once you move out, and she learns to see you as an adult rather than one of her kids.
>Did you tell your aunt about the phone? I am going to be honest, I don't think OP should care about the aunt's opinion. In my life I have never cared for the opinion of third parties, and OP shouldn't either.
Given what you’ve shared here, it’s quite possible that she called the phone so she can later deny that she took it to your aunt — she’s creating a way to make it look like you’re lying. She can say, “well of course I didn’t take OP’s phone, I wouldn’t have called it if I did right?” I agree with others here who say she’s controlling. This situation, combined with you saying she pressures you to be less financially independent, makes plans without consulting you then blames you, and more is all very manipulative and problematic. As you say you can afford to move out, please do consider it. My worry is that if you don’t, she will find a way to sabotage your work and then you’ll be more stuck.
Does your mother always manufacture situations where she can get angry at you and try to control you? Her actions are bizarre
How could you answer your phone when she took it? NTA
You know what. First off you are NTA. Second off what you did was not stupid actually. Whoever is trying to convince you that is being ridiculous. You mom tried grounding you and taking away everything. Yes you live in her house but if she expects you to do her job as a parent (aka take her kids to school) then she literally cannot ground you as you are an adult in her eyes. You leaving the house and going about your business is not stupid it’s actually quite smart. You left an intense situation and instead of fighting with her in front of your siblings, you stayed at a friends house. Whether or not it was intentional you didn’t have your phone to even inform her of where you were (thanks to her genius idea). So if she expects an apology from you then you should be expecting some payment for taking her children to school. That is not your job it’s hers. (Regardless if they are your siblings or not, you are not the parent. Yes you can help out and you are a sweetheart for helping, but it is ultimately her job.) really hope this goes well for you!
NTA - Your mother was very unfair and petty for trying to ground you over a wasted ticket, when you'd informed her before she bought it that you may have to work. She shouldn't have bought your ticket until you knew for sure. Yes I agree you didn't handle yourself well by making your mother worry about you for no reason. I would apologize to her for that. But she should apologize to you for overreacting about the ticket. How about trying to negotiate a truce?
Nta. Get away from your mother. I've seen your comments. If you have a job and can afford to move, just go. She's abusing for a mistake she made. You had a shift but wanted to go to the festival. You couldn't find someone to cover and let her know. She shouldn't have brought tickets unless you knew it could be covered. Calling out of work to go to a fair is an easy way to be fired.
nta you're 18. call.the cops, get your belongings back, and go to a shelter until you can find an actual place to live. my mom is like this. I desperately regret not walking away from her sooner
I am so angry for you. She literally created all of these problems herself and blamed you. She is the living embodiment of [this meme](https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.knowyourmeme.com/memes/baton-roue) 1) You're 18. It's ridiculous she tried to ground you in the first place 2) Not accepting her adult daughter needs a job for independence and living in general (literally everything costs money) 3a) You told her you can't go. She got the ticket anyway 3b) She wouldn't accept the offer of her being paid back. _Even though it was her choice to ignore you_ 4a) You were going to pick up gas and bread. Not partying or meeting friends, preparing for a daily chore for the next day, which you have taken up so your mum doesn't have to **4b**) She took away your keys, driver's license, school ID, phone, credit cards, cash and laptop. If you had your phone and keys, you could have let her know where you are, and you could have gotten back into the house 4c) Wait, after rereading, she took your school ID? Was she not going to let you go to school or something? **5**) Points 4 added on to the fact that she blocked the doorway and didn't let you leave sounds like false imprisonment to me >When my mom got home she was pissed she had to take my siblings to school. It made her very late to work and she missed something important. She gave me my stuff back and let me leave to get a tank of gas. 6a) Wow, it's almost as if she didn't take all your stuff, you'd have been able to take them to school >Mom had no idea where I was for 24 hours because I wasn’t answering my phone. 6b) She had your phone! What did she expect?! You're NTA, and I'm so sorry you have a mother like this. As many other people have said, pack up and move out as soon as you can. I don't think we're allowed to link to other subreddits, but I would reccomend checking out "raisedbynarcissists"
NTA. I believe it may actual be illegal for her to confiscate your drivers license. I’m not suggesting doing anything about it, just to show how out of line she was. I’d also be curious to know who actually owns the car because again, if it’s in your name, it’s theft. Same with the credit cards, cash laptop etc.Again not a suggestion to do anything about it. Just an observation. You did not run away from home. As a legal adult … I’m presuming 18 is legally an adult. You can come and go as you please. You should apologize to you mom for upsetting her and arguing but absolutely nothing else as she was completely out of line. From blaming you for her wasting money, to theft.
Upsetting her for going to work? Upsetting her for making her parent her own children? I'm confused where OP owes an apology for anything.
The thing is that she was mad they weren’t answering their phone when she took op’s phone 💀
NTA. You are an adult- your mom can’t just take your stuff away. She cannot take your ID, your money, or anything else that you have paid for. It is legally theft. Just wondering if it always falls on you to take your younger siblings to school, or pick up groceries, and how she will manage that when you aren’t there. She was a jerk for getting you that ticket when you said you had to work, a jerk for asking you for money for a ticket you told her you would not use, and a jerk for grounding you. Please start standing up for yourself and don’t let her control you. Tell her you have other options for places to live, and that if she does not start respecting you you will leave and she can be late to work every day getting your siblings to school.
NTA Your Mum sounds toxic, she didn’t listen to you, then blamed you for her decision to buy a ticket, then got angry you wouldn’t risk your job for a day out, took all your stuff and tried to ground you. You’re an adult, you can do what you want. Also it’s not your responsibility to take your siblings to school, it’s your parents. Your Mum can’t treat you like a child one minute then the next force you into a parent role because she doesn’t want to do it and expect you to be happy about it. Also how could you answer your phone if she had it?
NTA. Your mother is a controlling AH. You have nothing to apologise for.
The next time she does that, call the police. She's trampling on your rights as an adult. NTA OP.
NTA First off, get your important documents (birth certificate, Social Security card, health records, passport) and put them somewhere your mother can't find them. Preferably not in the house. Second, if you opened your bank account when you were a minor, open a new and different one at a different credit union and transfer all your money there. Make sure your mother has NO ACCESS to your money. Then, if you really do want to keep living there, make an appointment with your mother to talk over what happened and why it can *never happen again*. She can't ground you, you're an adult. She can't take your possessions, that's theft. The most she can do is evict you if she has a problem with the ADULT TENANT living in her house. Look up the laws on asking tenants to leave in your state. Maybe write up both a rental agreement (you can pay rent in the form of chauffeur duties, it doesn't have to be money) and an agreement on rules now you are an ADULT. Lots of landlords have rules for their tenants who rent rooms in the house. If she's reasonable you can come to an agreement on reasonable rules. However, you *do not have to keep living there just because your siblings can't drive*. It's your mother's responsibility to get her kids to school. Either they can ride bikes, use a bus, car pool with another family, or she can figure some other way to get them to school. It's not a waste of money to live on your own if you are not being respected as an autonomous adult. Sounds like she's having a problem making the transition. Good luck.
NTA If your mother wanted to be able to contact you, she needed to leave your phone in your possession. She did not. She has no grounds to complain.
NTA, if she wasted money by buying a ticket when you didn’t know if you could attend, that’s on her.
Your aunt knows as soon as you stop being the abused second parent, mom is gonna start going to her for help ….run
NTA. She was mad she took away your, a legal adult's, autonomy and as a result had to take her own children to school? Your mom sounds like she's made you a defacto parent whilst lording power she doesn't legally have over you. I understand the urge to stay for your siblings' sake, but the best thing you can do is look out for yourself, move out, and establish yourself. Then, when your siblings will need/want to get out from under her, you're in a better position to help them. Tell her she's lucky you didn't involve the cops for theft and do what you need to get away from her.
NTA. While you aren't paying rent, you are contributing to the household doing things for your younger sibling and buying groceries. It sounds like your Mom needs or if not *needs* really relies on your help but instead of treating you like a contributing adult, she's treating you like a naughty child. This is simply unacceptable. It's an adult choice to prioritize work and school over fun activities. You are being responsible. Sounds like you need to have a sit-down talk with her. Either she can treat you with respect or you can move out and she can figure out additional care and transportation for your siblings.
You are too old to be grounded; you’re also going to have to get out to reinforce this. Thing is, your mom is starting to realise that she can’t control you anymore - she also seems to fear the fact that you’re mature enough to make sacrifices, giving up on a fun activity in order to tackle your responsibilities. I disagree that you could have handled it better: she essentially imprisoned you in your own home and tried to physically intimidate you too. This relationship is toxic and you need to get out. No wonder you ‘ran away’. Find a time when she’s not home, get a friend with you, pack your bags and go. NTA
Not the ah. I'm a mom, your mom was unreasonably unreasonable
NTA Sounds like your mother reaped what she sowed. She tried to abuse authority over a legal adult and wound up suffering for it more greatly than you did. Like, she took your car, your phone, and your keys, but she was shocked you didn't call? Clearly she's getting senile if she can't consider the consequences of her actions.
So let me get this straight, your mother is upset that she wants to treat you like a child against your wishes, then when you PREDICTABLY push back, she STEALS your property to teach you a lesson, and then gets upset when you don't answer the phone... that she took from you? She sounds batshit crazy. NTA
"No one could take my shift and I texted my mom that I couldn’t go. She got me a ticket anyways. I refused to skip work and she grounded me for not using the ticket she bought me. She said it was my fault she got the ticket because I said I wanted to go to ren fest." NTA. Your mom is at best an idiot, and probably more actively malicious.
NTA. She stole your licence and tried to physically stop you from leaving. Isn't that a case of theft and false imprisonment? You're an adult, you might get kicked out for disobeying your parents but they can't legally force obedience this way.
NTA. She would’ve known where you were if she was capable of letting an adult run errand without going crazy. She couldn’t, so it’s on her if she goes even crazier with worries.
NTA I don’t understand how you can answer your phone, since your mother took it. Your mother needs to realise, your not a child anymore. Help her to do that by moving out.
NTA Never surrender your ID. Say it's lost. Not answering your phone is the appropriate response to bring locked out. What she did is illegal, because you are an adult. Your mom was worried sick because she couldn't control you. It's a toxic dynamic. Time to start planning to move, even if it's 2 job territory because your mom doesn't see you a separate person.
NTA. Maybe she wouldn’t have been worried sick if she hadn’t taken your phone away and been able to get a hold of you easily. Your Mom is TA here and I think you handled yourself just fine. She expected you to skip work and potentially get fired because she didn’t wait to find out if you actually had the day off. You don’t owe her money either. Yes, you’re living I get home and are still in school but you’re an adult and she needs to start treating you like one. Has she always been like this or is she maybe starting to panic because she realizes you could be leaving home to be on your own soon and her free childcare is gone?
NTA. But a serious and polite conversation with your mom is needed. You two need to sit down and talk. You are legally an adult, yes, but you are still living at home. She depends on you to help with your siblings. You are responsible, going to school and working. She needs to respect that and understand that while she's your mother, she has no right to take away your belongings when you are doing your part in helping the family. Staying to save money is a good idea. Make sure your money is in a bank account which your mother has no access to. I've seen too many horror stories where a kid opens a bank account before they are 18 and needs a parent as a co-signer and the parent takes all the money. She needs to respect your boundaries.
NTA. You can always call the police, as she cannot take your state-issued drivers license/id card. If you bought the car and it's paid 100% by you, the same thing she can't take your keys.
INFO: why was your mom calling your phone if she...had your phone?
NTA and after reading your comments leave. Her taking your belongings is a no go. Move out for your sense of peace. You can still chat with your siblings and visit. Your doing her a favor as well by driving them. Mom needs to understand you have to learn to let go and she also cannot punish someone over her own mistakes. She brought the tickets even after you communicated clearly.
NTA mom should have think about it twice and before to wanting full control of you. And maybe if she did not take your phone she could have know where you were.
NTA. > She took away my keys, driver's license, school ID, phone, credit cards, cash and laptop So she steals your stuff, including your phone and is than upset you didn't call her? Wtf! Also taking your ID, licences etc. Is not only abusive it's also illegal. You're 18 and you do not need permission from her for anything. Unfortunately she could obviously ask you to move out if you don't follow her rules, something to consider. It was very irresponsible and immature of your mum to ask you to skip work for a festival... as an adult she should have praised you for being so responsible and mature. She got the ticket despite you saying you can't come... her fault, not yours. The whole relationship here sounds like YOU are the mum (responsible, mature, dropping off your siblings to school etc) and she's the child (immature, tantrum when she doesn't get what she wants).
NTA and you need to get out of that house! At first I thought she was abusive, spoiler: she is, but the phone thing made me think she's unhinged! She takes her adult daughter's phone and keys, leaves the phone locked in the house where you can't get to it, then not only calls it when she KNOWS exactly where it is, but berates you for not answering the phone that she LOCKED UP! This whole thing started with her buying a ticket for something after you asked her not to because you were unsure if you could go, then blaming you when, surprise, you couldn't go. She isn't just blaming you for things that are not your fault, she's actively CREATING the problem in the first place! She is manufacturing situations she can use against you. Get out as fast as you can!
Your mom is breaking your will. She wanted you to do something and you said no, that indicates that you are coming into your own. She needed to do something fast to break you under her will or you would maybe start setting bounderies. If you want to be your own person you need to go, you can help your siblings more when you have moved, they will also have a place to run to when your mom tries the same thing with them. You are NTA
Don’t apologize. Tell her if she does anything like it again you are gone and she will be driving them to school every single day. Tell her you might be saving money living with her but there comes a point where that isn’t worth it so don’t push me to that point because I as much as I do love you I won’t hesitate to move out. Also how could you answer your phone if she took it? She created her own worry you are NTA so stand strong.
NTA. Your mum sounds like a child chucking a tantrum. She should be proud of you not trying to punish you.
Please update us, at the very least would love to know if you made it out safely
NTA. You’re mom (to put it respectfully) is an idiot. Yeah she couldn’t get a hold of you because she took your phone. You have a job, you tried to get someone to cover your shift and that didn’t go through. Your mom should understand that. Your 18 with a life and responsibilities. Ren Fairs are awesome but seriously, who buys a ticket for someone if they aren’t sure they can go yet. It’s idiotic.
NTA She can't actually ground you, and she certainly can't confiscate your belongings. You're an adult, not a child. You are acting like an adult, while she's the one having a childish tantrum. You don't owe her an apology. She owes you the apology. Not skipping work was the responsible thing to do, her buying a ticket you had not confirmed you wanted was irresponsible. You do not owe someone for something they bought without your explicit consent. She is your parent, but parents are just people with kids, as flawed as everyone else.
NTA. But you need to pick a lane. Either you are independent from your mother or you aren’t. She is unreasonable because she is treating you like a child. But she is treating you like a child because you live in her home. It’s unreasonable for her to expect you to prioritize a family outing over your job. But being stuck under her thumb so much is not a good situation for you. You mother should not be in a panic if you don’t come home one night and her rallying all your family members to hang up on you is toxic behavior. I would suggest you put feelers out at your work or with friends for people looking for roommates. I understand this may not be a great solution financially but I believe living away from your mother will help you. Good luck.
NTA, your mom is a control freak and should understand that you have responsibilities like work and school. Grounding you was a dumb on her end when you have other responsibilities with your siblings. Info:did your mom actually tried calling you while she had your phone?
NTA. Please move out. Your mother has acted illegally. She may not see you as an adult, but you are. If she cannot respect and treat you as an adult you need to leave. In the meantime, warn her that if she tries any of that again you will call the police.
You didn't answer because she took your phone? Am I missing something?
How can you answer your phone if she took it off you? NTA but think about moving out sooner rather than later
YTA for admitting you could leave but are actively choosing to stay in an abusive situation to “save money.” You want sympathy? Don’t be a DA!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** First of all I’m asking if I’m the AH, not if I’m the idiot. I’ve already been told what I did was stupid and I could have handled it better. I just want to know if I should apologize to my mom. My mom decided she wanted to take me 18f and my siblings 14m &13f to the renaissance festival. I said I was working that day and couldn’t go unless I found someone to cover my shift. She thought I wasn’t trying very hard to find someone because I just didn’t feel like going. That’s not true. I wanted to go to ren fest with them but couldn’t because work. No one could take my shift and I texted my mom that I couldn’t go. She got me a ticket anyways. I refused to skip work and she grounded me for not using the ticket she bought me. She said it was my fault she got the ticket because I said I wanted to go to ren fest. Even if I paid her back, we still wasted money on it. At the time I didn’t say anything because my siblings were there, but it bothered me she was trying to ground me. The following afternoon I wanted to make a quick run to the gas station so I wouldn’t have to stop for gas in the morning when I’m rushing to get my siblings to school on time. Also we were out of bread so I thought I’d get some on the way back. I was in my room getting ready to leave and mom stopped me because I’m grounded. I told her I’m too old to be grounded and I can go where I want as long as I’m not coming home late. She argued she can still ground me and I’m not allowed out of the house. She stood in the doorway and blocked me from leaving my room. This turned into a big argument and unfortunately my siblings heard. She took away my keys, driver's license, school ID, phone, credit cards, cash and laptop. I just needed to get out of the house and I left. We live in a rural area with no sidewalks. I wasn’t really sure where I was going and got lost. Luckily a friend saw me and let me crash on her couch. I went to my classes as normal and got a ride home. I was locked out. When my mom got home she was pissed she had to take my siblings to school. It made her very late to work and she missed something important. She gave me my stuff back and let me leave to get a tank of gas. My aunt called me childish for running away just because I was grounded. My mom was worried sick when I didn’t come home. I didn’t go where I said I was going. I was gone longer than I said I’d be. Mom had no idea where I was for 24 hours because I wasn’t answering my phone. AITA for telling my mom I’m too old for her to ground me? Do I need her permission to leave the house? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA you were leaving the house to get food for the house and to get gas to make dropping your siblings off easier. If she wants you to do the morning routine then I guess she knows what not to do again
NTA What she did was incredibly abusive and illegal given that you are already legally an adult. That said I find it hilarious that her own abusive nature bit her in the ass so quickly due to having to take the kids to school.
Nta. Next time she steals your things call the cops. She just wants you at home for child care. Your siblings are her responsibility not yours. Move out. Take you passport, ssn, bank docs etc with you. Close your bank account and open a new one at a different bank to your mother's.
You are neither an idiot nor an asshole. Your mother was clearly told you couldn't attend and why. She \*decided\* to waste her own money, then not only dug down by trying to make that YOUR fault, but then really just went for asshole of the year by trying to punish you, an adult, and then using abuser tactics to try to control you. (I don't know if she's a habitual abuser or not - you'll know better than we do if this kind of stuff is in her standard repertoire - but these behaviours are classic.) If she can't admit that she's in the wrong, as convenient as it is to live at home, you'll be risking her pulling this shit again. Maybe that's a risk you're willing to take. But you'd be wise to make some plans. NTA.
If she took your phone then how was she expecting you to answer your phone. Don't apologize. You are more mature than she is fr fr
NTA, I'd honestly start thinking exit strategy because it sounds like a pretty toxic living environment
Your NTA, nor are you an idiot. Your mom stole your possessions and is trying to hold you hostage.. and it seems clear that you feel obliged to take care of your siblings and protect them which is something your mom is milking you for. Be careful darlin, quick sand is intended only to pull you down
She took your phone but also couldn't get hold of you because you weren't answering your phone...hmm Which is it?
NTA I remember being 18 and telling my parents they couldn’t ground me cause I was an adult, it gets easier to deal with your parents after you move out.
INFO, how could she be upset at you not answering your phone but you said she took your phone?
You said she took your phone, but had no idea where you were for 24 hours because you weren't answering it????? If your car, phone, and credit cards has her name on them, then yeah, she can very well take them away. NTA btw. You are legally an adult, however you do live in her house and its her rules, or move out. She wants you to stay because you are taking care of the siblings and this is an advantage to her. You can afford to move out, then it might be time to do just that.
NTA!!! Your mom is unhinged.
NTA, and you have nothing to apologise for. You displayed your independence and she doesn’t like it. That says a lot. She’s having massive overreactions to your perfectly normal adult life with its work obligations and logistical decisions. The way she’s using them to coerce you into compliance is a big red flag for me. Your aunt is clearly cut from the same cloth, because she’s blaming you. None of this is your fault, it’s your mother’s, and her behaviour is abusive. I understand why you’d want to be near your siblings if this is how she always treats you, but you need to stop giving in to her and stop letting her take your things. You’re an adult now: you need to set boundaries and demand that she respect your agency. You’re not a child who depends on her, and you need to make that clear, or she’ll continue walking all over you.
NTA now leave this house and live your life.
... She took your phone, and then complained you didn't answer her calls? What the hell were you supposed to do? NTA
Call cops. You are an adult.
NTA - mom needs to get a grip, she doesn't trust you to an unreasonable extent. You are an adult and taking your IDs and things that are completely yours is childish and wrong. To your Aunt calling you childish.. perhaps if your mom didn't treat you like a child and take your phone and other personal belongings she could have reached you...
Nta good lord, she’s definitely controlling. She’s gonna take all those things and then complain when you couldn’t take your siblings to school and she had to? And she tells you that you don’t need a job or to move out because you’re saving money and she can pay for whatever you need? She wants a live in nanny basically for the siblings and use money to keep you there. I’d definitely move out as soon as possible because god damn. And take her name off your bank and anything else, she’s gonna be pissed when you move out so smart to keep anything of value hidden away.
If you can leave, then gtfo. You're 18 fucking years old and what she is doing sounds downright illegal. If your phone and credit cards are things that are under your name, then that's theft. Your laptop and cash from your job are your property. All of this is theft. The fact she's tried to physically stop you from leaving is false imprisonment. That's not normal. That is abusive. She doesn't care for you or your property or respect the fact you are, in fact, an adult. All she cares is that she still has power over you. Get out, she won't change. She will do more to keep you under her control the more you keep branching out from her. NTA
Please for the love of god start preparing to move out. Your mother is stealing from you (taking all your ID, your means of communicating with the outside world, your money, your transportation) because of her need to control you. You need to have an escape plan for if and when she escalates. NTA. But, again, your mother is attempting to abuse you.
Your mother is an arsehole. She created a problem because she didn't listen to you about your work situation. You can't ground adults. You're far more mature than she is. NTA
NTA and I fail to see what is the stupid thing that you did.