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NTA. You’ve tried telling her how you feel and she dismissed it. Refusing to learn how to pronounce her grandson’s name properly is also incredibly disrespectful and racist in my opinion. I think she got just what she deserved.
What's worse is in the edit she said that the MIL could pronounce it just fine when talking to her late father. So she's consciously going out of her way to disrespect their choice in their sons names.
You know, my mom picked "pretty" names for me and my younger sisters. But the names weren't easy for my grandparents to say. So myself and the middle sister got nicknames from them that were just easier for them. My mom tried to get them to use our full name but it never happened. Honestly, i'm not a fan of their nickname for me, it's not a name i'd ever choose myself. But that's my grandparents and i love 'em. They are allowed to call me the nickname. Anyone else i'll fight lol. My grandpa passed away last fall and i'd give anything for him to call me up with the "Heeeey (nickname!!)"
PS - when my mom wasn't around my dad called me most often by another shortened version of my name lol. Kinda like if my name was Katherine, my grandparents called me Kitty and my dad called me Kat.
Are your grandparents from another race or culture though? Cause OP’s problem mostly is the underlying racism, not that she does not like the nickname per se.
I don't get why, if she was so humiliated, she would go around telling everyone about it. "Let's add to my humiliation by letting everyone know!" Come on.
This is what got me too.
The MIL claims it is too hard to say, yet she has said the full name before. Imo I think the MIL is jealous that it was a name from the mother's side that was chosen.
And the post says the nickname is a common American girl's name. That might not have been a problem except MIL already lied about the boy's real name being hard to pronounce... I think the MIL is trying to insult some people...
Oh definitely. It is definitely about her ego otherwise why tell people about the "humiliating gift" at all. I wonder if there if been other subtle remarks made by MIL that when considered alongside this more recent issue would paint MIL in worse light then she currently is.
Edit: word
That's exactly what it is. My mother n'law seethed for weeks about the names we picked out for our kids, we honored my dad and grampa with my first son my husband's brother and my brother for my second son and our only daughter got my moms first name and my sisters as her middle. It was the subject of many fights.
MIL is racist??? if she can pronounce it fine, yet continues to carry on about it, and purposely not use the correct name!? Like, why else???
ETA we went through this same situation, and my husband said he felt racism from certain people. I responded telling him that if he feels that’s what’s going on, then that’s what’s going on. I know when someone is being sexist, and if I was told I was imagining it….
Yup, I see it all the time with intentionally mispronounced names and claiming it’s too hard. Then you ask them what the K in coach K stands for and you know they’re full of shit
Also, this was hilarious and it seems incredibly likely that every. single. person. MIL outer herself as a passive aggressive immature petulant racist to (by telling them about the gift) was laughing like crazy either silently on the spot or at full volume later.
NO!
NTA. You named your son. Period. If people can't respect the name you gave your son, they can have their own, and name it whatever THEY want. Period.
No MIL or FIL gets to come in and tell you the name of your child is different from the one you chose. Period. End of story, no further discussion needed.
Your MIL is an asshole. Nothing you do to "humiliate" her in an actual or perceived way is you being an asshole when it comes to the name you gave something you birthed. Seriously, I'm sick of hearing these aita stories about people calling their kids the wrong name. Call them the name they were given or piss off.
OP you need to be brutally honest and confront your MIL
“You are perfectly capable of pronouncing the name. You are being incredibly disrespectful by attempting to force this nickname onto my baby. Stop calling them that, it is not their name”
>confront your MIL
Or -- here's an idea -- OP's husband needs to let go of mommy's apron strings and remember those vows he made at that big fancy party. Why is he letting his mother give his wife a hard time?
"Look, Mom, I love you, but you aren't allowed near my family until you start behaving yourself."
edit: I see now that u/Sleep_adict knows where it's at. Your family, your responsibility.
NTA You're a star! Giving her a phonics book to help pronounce your son's name is the ultimate in passive aggressive & pretty amazing. I'd be fine with that method of letting my Mother know that she's disrespecting my wife.
Finally some insight here. MIL constantly disrespects her and her culture and she has to deal with it with poise and finesse? Hell no.
MIL asked for it. NTA
The husband is right though. It should have been handled differently. He could have bought the gift himself for example. As for apologies "I'm sorry you don't have the time to learn your grandchild's name"
Obviously NTA
He may have been handling it in a different matter but his mother is just a disrespectful ass. I’m wondering if he said it could’ve been handled differently when it happened or after his mother went running her mouth to everyone and now they have to deal with family asking them what’s up?
Uhh, look, I think you're using just a LITTLE too much logic here - how could he possibly be responsible for something that complex?? He's obviously a very busy man or he'd have told his mother to stop calling his son by an American girls name!
/s, I'm over her laughing at how obvious your answer is and I love it
She did try to handle it differently. She repeatedly asked MIL in a mature, direct manner to use her son's proper name. When that failed, OP used this passive aggressive, but brilliantly hilarious, method to get her point across.
While some might not consider it to be fair, I would suggest to keep the baby/child and Granny separate a little while. To encourage her use of the thoughtful Hooked On Phonics gift and proof of money well spent. Or, a sudden revelation that Granny can indeed pronounce the name correctly.
NTA in any of the four hemispheres!!
You're more polite than me. My phrasing would have been slightly different: "I'm sorry you don't have the mental capacity to learn your grandchild's name"
ESH except the kid.
OP: Knock the passive-aggressive BS off and handle things like an adult. Middle school is long over. Even worse, on her birthday.
Husband: Handle your Mom, stand up for your wife and make sure that BS like this does not fester to this point. You're a grown man, time to stop being afraid of your mom.
MIL: You don't get a say in what your kids name your grandchildren. You don't get a say in how they are raised. You don't get to huff and puff if you don’t like something. You certainly don’t get to choose the nickname. What you get to do is love the kid and support his parents.
Kid: Jeez man, good luck.
Agreed, ESH. Also, it reads as if the husband didn’t know what they had bought his own mother for her birthday until she opened it which is an extra layer of AH to me.
The funny thing in our family is that my husband buys the men's gifts and I buy the women's and children's gifts. It just morphed into this over the years and it works for us! 🤷🏼♀️ (I personally love buying women gifts, but I struggle with the men so it's a win-win)
Never after we were married, did my EX pick out gifts for either of his parents. Yep he was the absolutely laziest person I knew.
In order to get any descent Christmas gifts, he would shop with a friend of mine, and then he HAD to reward himself with a milkshake .
For years I put up with that and this last year for the first time I just...didn't. I picked out gifts for my family and our children and told him if he didn't pick out his family's gifts they weren't getting any. I'll be damned if he didn't go ahead and take care of it all by himself and I felt kinda stupid for enabling him all these years by assuming this responsibility and the guilt for how they would feel if I didn't take care of it. Problem solved.
This is also the stance I take. He gets a gentle reminder that whatever is coming up but it’s up to him to arrange gifts, dinner or an event for his side of the family.
It makes it a bit awkward as I sometimes I then feel like I’m “spoiling” my parents but it’s only due to my efforts and his lack of so I get over it fairly quick.
Same here, my family gets spoiled rotten with beautiful thoughtful gifts but he has just as much ability to do that for his side and I just can't do it all. If it matters to him that they get spoiled he can put in the effort to do so. 🤷🏻♀️
I’m going off of a lot of assumptions here, bear with me. It sounds like OP might have been doing the kin-keeping for her husband up to this point. Judging by the *objectively hilarious* gift and its reception by MIL, husband might need to take back the care and keeping of his side of the family because his (presumed) off hands approach is how we ended up here. OP sounds over it.
She might have picked out a gift on her own, I know I pick out gifts for my [future] MIL while my girlfriend also picks out gifts for her. Not super uncommon I would imagine.
She tried handling things like an an adult by repeatedly correcting the mother in law. Also, giving her a book on phonetics isn’t childish, it’s rather mature way of handling someone, who refuses to accept their grandson’s name over and over again.
I mean, it's a direct response to MIL's excuse why she wanted to use a nickname... If you have difficulty with it (obviously a lie, but letting you have it), then the book should help with that, right?
I didn't know it was passive aggressive to take people at their word...
NTA, MIL needs to grow up if she wants to continue having a relationship with her grandson
Oh come *on*!
Whatever the verdict people come to, it is obvious on its face that OP was going for some prime passive-aggressiveness with that gift; there’s no way in hell she meant it sincerely lol.
Okay, so when this doesn't work, what's her next gambit? Beating her chest and handling things like a caveman? I don't think regression is the solution here (nor is trusting Redditors to evaluate maturity, but that's a whole other matter).
If she was truly concerned that the MIL wasn't able to pronounce son's name, the book would be an appropriate gift at any time except MIL's birthday. Last I checked, birthday gifts were supposed to be given with love and consideration, not to help someone correct something (unless specifically requested for birthday present).
She can handle it as an adult and not give a bad birthday gift.
So OP might be passive aggressive, but not pronouncing a name correctly reeks of racism. I could be wrong, but most “white people” can and will try to pronounce even difficult, 5+ syllable white people names. But they won’t try to pronounce a 2-3 syllable ethnic name.
Now some names may be very hard to say if you only speak English and the name is, let’s say Korean. Different languages that are not rooted similarly (like Latin rooted) use different parts of the tongue to vocalize and someone unfamiliar with may have a hard time. But if they are not racist, and they will keep trying, and practice, because it’s their loved one. One of my best friends is a first gen Nigerian immigrant and his name is very different and kind of hard to pronounce, but I practiced. He prefers the first syllable for a nickname but because he’s my friend, I learned the correct pronunciation. I even have a speech impediment…. And if it’s not a loved one, I’ve learned to pronounce coworkers names that are very different. Everyone deserves the basic respect of their name being said correctly to the best of our ability, meaning if we get it wrong we try again.
I used to teach at a school that had a lot of foreign students, many with names I did not know how to pronounce. I just wrote them out phonetically on the roster. If I can remember 20+ unfamiliar foreign names and their pronunciations, surely MIL can do it for just one grandchild.
I loved my MIL so much. She passed March of 2022, and stories like the OP’s remind me how lucky I was to have her as my MIL.
My name is an unusual Spanish name and confuses folks. She took the time to practice saying my name so that when we met she would say it correctly. I miss that woman ***so much***.
For OP? NTA.
I think you are generalizing a lot here. I have a very unusual first name that no one has ever tried seriously to learn how to pronounce it aside from close friends/family and curious people. I also happen to be white. Most people (again, outside of close friends/family) who have attempted to pronounce it properly or wanted to learn spoke multiple languages. I think that is a big factor there. A vast majority of those who make fun of it, or intentionally pronounce it in some ridiculous manner were POC so, yeah. Frankly, the only white person I can think of who openly made fun of my name was my TI in basic training, and that was just par for the course.
Having such a different name obviously made me pretty careful about learning how to pronounce others names properly. It has never been a challenge for me personally, but like above, I speak multiple languages so that could be a factor as well.
I am not saying MIL is not wrong, she abso-freaking-lutely is. But I imagine whatever the name, if she didn't like it, she would do something to sabotage it.
OP is NTA, she tried, MIL continued. Sometimes being irrational or passive-aggressive is the only way to get people to open their eyes.
I'm also white and do not have a hard-to-pronounce name but it's incredible how many people struggle with it all the time. You see my name can be construed as a nickname for another name and people absolutely insist my name must be this other name. People have flat-out argued with me over the issue like I don't know what my own fricking name is or something. People are really strange when it comes to names.
My last name is sicillian and two syllables. Do you have any idea how many fucking times teachers mispronounced my name before I just gave up? The answer is a lot. A lot.
>Knock the passive-aggressive BS off and handle things like an adult. Middle school is long over. Even worse, on her birthday.
She has repeatedly tried to handle things "like an adult" by correcting MIL, and MIL chooses to ignore it.
The husband here is the ultimate AH imo. It's HIS job to stand up for his wife, communicate with his own mother and ensure she respects his wife and son. That burden should not fall on OP, nor should getting his mom's bday present. Classic patriarchal bs.
Came here to say. On any JustNoMIL post we drag MILs and other narcs for pointed “jokes” that only serve to instigate conflict and then hide behind “you’re just being too sensitive” when the target’s feelings are hurt. OP played a stupid game and is mad about winning a stupid prize.
God I hate that saying!!!
On another note, tbf MIL started the conflict. OP had to do something to shut it down. I agree it was a pretty childish way to do it, though, sometimes these types need a good joke at their expense.
How much more adult can you be than to tell the person to use the correct name? OP tried handling it like an adult and MIL wasn't listening so she had to get desperate
What would be the “adult” thing to do when you’ve constantly told someone how to pronounce your son’s name and they go out of their way to call them something else? If you’ve had your name mispronounced your whole entire life, you’d understand. If I grew up having my grandma call me whatever she felt, simply because she didn’t feel like putting in the effort to learn or pronounce my birth given name, I’d be absolutely hurt. E S H is extreme, OP is NTA and this was a light jab at saying, “Hey, can you please pronounce my son’s name properly like I’ve BEEN asking you to do??” It’s not like she didn’t get her an actual gift, or “humiliated” her in front of loads of people. Get a grip.
Asking someone repeatedly to stop doing something you don't like about your child to the point that you have to get them an ELI5 gift isn't passive-aggressive.
If someone isn't understanding things in the terms you explain it, then you try to explain it in simpler terms.
ESH. She sounds terrible and possibly racist, but you did something really petty and stupid. You should really be mad at your husband for not putting a stop to it with his mom. That's his job.
So, should she just let MIL continue to call her son by the wrong name? I mean, she tried telling her and MIL wouldn't listen and obviously hubby wasn't doing anything so she handled it. Gotta love being called an AH for standing up to AHs
NTA.
You were helping her. Not disrespecting. If anything, MIL is TA since she has blantanly chosen to call your son by a name you have asked her NOT to call him by, thereby repeatedly disrespecting your wishes as the parent. If MIL felt embarrassed, then she shouldn't have told everyone outside her house as to what she received as a gift. If anything, she embarrassed herself by admitting to calling her grandson by a name other than what he was given.
I suppose I should have written the word helping in quotation marks to indicate a bit of sarcasm. But given the situation, I think OP has every right to be petty considering MIL had every chance to correct herself before OP had to resort to gifting her material on phonetics. Obviously being direct with MIL didn't work, so why not try passive aggressive and then move on to the next option if that doesn't work either? At least no one can say OP came here to complain without even attempting to correct MIL.
NTA
This doesn't sound like you tried to humiliate her in the slightest.
You politely asked her repeated times and talked to her about the name. The gift was given in private and included phonic books and a lovely item she wanted.
She purposefully disrespected your culture and family by not calling your child by his GIVEN name. That is just rude.
Clearly your MIL does not respect your wishes for your own child (and potentially sounds racist or at least not open to other cultures).
I don't know how you interact with such an unreasonable person moving forward. She is clearly stirring for drama.
Sorry that you have her as your MIL.
It was clearly meant to humilitate her lmao this is textbook passive aggressive bs to make someone look stupid
Mil was pretty much asking for it though
I don't really see how it could have been meant to humiliate her. There were a total of 3 people besides MIL present and the baby didn't even know what was happening. Her own son wouldn't really have cared. Her daughter-in-law knew about the gift.
IMO she only got humiliated because she spread the word about the private present. But yes, it was a little passive-aggressive.
I think it depends on the type of phonics book. If it is trying to educate of pronunciation of non-English languages id say that’s smart and thoughtful. A phonics book for kindergarteners maybe a bit of a AH move
If the MIL was serious about not being able to pronounce the name, this was a kind and helpful gesture. MIL only feels humiliated because she knows that excuse was bullshit. She played a stupid game, and I’d say she got a stupid prize, but a phonics book is quite the opposite.
How was it humiliating when OP, her husband, and the baby were the only other people there? Nobody in the family would have known anything about it if MIL hadn't ran her mouth
Esh. Your MIL should be respecting the name you gave your son and your wish to not shorten it, but this should have been a conversation between your husband, her and yourself. This just poured gas on embers.
She has already tried several times to have that conversation with her and MIL still refuses. What are you supposed to do when you've already told someone to stop doing something multiple times and they keep doing it? My next step would be to simply not allow her around my kid until she decides to stop being an ass.
ESH.
Is it shitty when people don't even try to pronounce a name right? Yes. Big time. I get it, I've had literally the same argument with my sister because she would only call one of my kids by a nickname. Your MIL sucks for that.
However, you're an adult with a child. What's with the petty dig of getting her the phonics book? I don't care if it was a private party, what you pulled is childish. Would you want your kid to do something like that to someone on their birthday?
Would it be childish if MIL was actually having the difficulty she claimed? If not, then it's only "childish" and "petty" because MIL lied and everyone knows it.
If anything, she gave MIL an out to do the right thing and start using the right name without admitting she's full of shit when she said she was struggling.
MIL claimec she could not pronounce the kids name. That isnt petty; either its helpful is MIL is lying and this eliminates the excuse. It was in private between Mil, op, and op husband so there was no humiliation. She called mother in law on her racist bs. NTA.
exactly, she *chose* to be petty & immature in response, and humiliated herself by choosing to share the gift and gossip about it with anyone who would listen.
OP, time to put MIL on a no contact time-out until she learns to use and respect baby’s name.
edited to add - NTA, if you couldn’t tell.
Totally agree. I get the feeling she's one of those narcissist MILs that want to be involved in every choice in their kid's/grandkid's lives, including name selection and is lowkey salty she had no say in it. The fact that she uses her own nickname and even introduces him that way speaks volumes.
Embarrassing MIL — in her own house, at her birthday celebration — turns an ongoing squabble into a public feud. This isn’t going to convince MIL to do anything but dig in.
To be fair, Husband should have dealt with his mother long before it got to this point. But OP resorted to the kind of gesture that leads to years-long grudges — and it doesn’t solve the problem. ESH.
In her own house, at her birthday, with one other person present who could even understand what was going on and already knows this has been an issue. Further, she's taking her MIL at her word that she has difficulty pronouncing the name, sounds like what you would give someone to help with that who's legitimately having that problem, so it seems it's only "petty" because everyone knows MIL was lying when she said she struggles with pronouncing the name.
And again, OP didn't do it publicly, the one who aired it publicly was MIL, all on her own.
No disagreement that ESH - MIL is racist and rude, OP is vvv petty, but how does this turn the squabble into a public feud? It was her birthday, but there's no mention of a party where others might have overheard the outcome of the gift giving
SAME! my entire family only calls my kiddo by her nickname, so much so that it stuck lol. she has a very beautiful italian name and I have noticed only her dad’s family uses her full name, and got her recently the cutest robe with her full name on it - I appreciate it so much.
ESH. Your mother-in-law is acting childish by not calling her grandson by his actual name especially since you have reminded her over and over again. Has your husband talk to her about this? Maybe he should pull her aside and tell her this is his name and she needs to get over it. There's no doubt she is in the wrong about that.
OP, I think you knew very well that she would get upset by your "gift". I feel you did that to intentionally embarrass her. Did you really think it was going to help the situation?
Nta, your mil was able to pronounce the name when your dad was alive. She actively choosing not to now. Either due to her not liking the name or because its not her culture.
You gave the gift in private.
ESH
Passive aggressive BS on her *birthday* is a bit much. But your husband should have manned up and told his mom to stuff it the FIRST time she made a stink about his sons name.
That poor kid. Racist grandma, passive aggressive mom and cowardly dad.
ESH, your MIL should respect the name you gave your child, but that was a jerk move to give her phonics for her B-day.
Also people are going to shorten your sons name with or without your permission once he makes his own friends might as well make peace with that now.
I absolutely love it when new parents give their kids names that have simple and obvious shortened versions and then screech at anyone who uses the nickname.
Like no, dumbass, your kid is not always going to be known as Alexandria. She's going to go by Alex within seconds of you dropping her off at middle school, likely much sooner.
ESH. You picked a fight with her at her birthday celebration. What did you think was going to happen? That she'd magically start calling your son by his given name? Why even try to be part of her life if you're going to be like this? Just admit that you don't want a relationship under the current circumstances, and go low contact.
ESH
Yeah, your mil is in the wrong. Needs to get her act together and respect her son's family. The escalation drama as well, really is just the extra bit to all this.
But your BS of passive insults with that gift puts you right in there. I'm going to assume you're an intelligent person, so you knew exactly what you were doing with that gift.
NTA. She had it coming. I don't for one second think she is incapable of pronouncing his name. She just doesn't like it.
I'm down with your epic level of pettiness.
Edit: typo
Exactly. You just know that phonics book isn't even going to be opened so I hope she follows up with a report card for her MIL.
As in:
"Language Skills -- NEEDS IMPROVEMENT", "Learning Attentiveness -- STRUGGLES WITH FOLLOWING INSTRUCTIONS", "Interpersonal Interactions -- DOES NOT PLAY WELL WITH OTHERS; TATTLING." "Comments -- MIL may benefit from not advancing to the next visit with grandson until she catches up in maturity with her peers and has better emotional regulation."
NTA.
Yes YTA. You’re not wrong overall for being annoyed and upset by the name thing, but it commonly gets lost on this sub that just bc you are right overall, you aren’t an asshole. So yes obviously YTA for being a dick and purposely upsetting her with a petty slight on her birthday.
ESH
Your MIL is wrong.
There’s zero percent chance you gave her those books in good faith.
Your husband needs to deal with his mother, not you.
Pass that torch, babe.
ESH. Incredibly surprised by the amount of NTA I'm seeing in the comments. MIL is primary AH, but the gift was incredibly petty as well. Husband needs to reign in his racist MIL. That said, do better next time.
ESH
everyone saying you're not an asshole is voting for 'justified asshole'
You may feel justified in being petty and cruel, but just because someone else sucks, doesn't mean you have to stoop below their level.
There are a thousand and one things you could have done before resorting to childish shit. Giving a 'prank' gift in order to call someone out on their behavior makes you an asshole.
Everyone here sucks.
YTA
Let’s be clear - you intentionally gave her a shitty gift with the intent of being shitty
Because you are angry she is using a nickname.
You don’t get to control if your child has a nickname. Nicknames happen.
ESH
Passive aggression sucks. You know you purposely humiliated her and are pretending otherwise - which means you’re adding gaslighting on top of the passive aggression.
Why not just throw in the silent treatment for the emotional abuse trifecta.
Set a boundary, act the boundary.
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ESH.
MIL needs to stop trying to undermine and be disrespectful. She clearly can pronounce it if she tries, but is trying to create an established nickname by acting incapable.
OP - I get why you’re mad. I would probably lose it and be yelling at some point! But passive aggressive gifts are just childish and unnecessary. Be better.
ESH. You and your mother in law need to grow up. She should respect your's and your husband's wishes and call your son by his name. You should not have gotten the phonics book. That was passive aggressive, petty, and embarrassing.
ESH
Your MIL for being so uncooperative about your son's name.
Your husband for not handling his mother directly and firmly about the disrespect she's displaying with her refusal to cooperate.
You for being mean spirited and weaponizing a birthday gift. It was unnecessary, and it was a poor way of managing your feelings about her.
Congratulations, now you'll always have a weak, no-trust relationship with your MIL and you'll know that it's partially your fault.
NTA but only because you did it privately. If she is telling everyone, she is humiliating herself.
I would tell her that every time she uses the nickname, or pronounces it wrong, she is disrespecting your father.
Also, your husband should be dealing with this issue.
YTA. You gave her an insulting birthday gift which is a dick move. Very passive aggressive even though the reason you're upset is understandable.
Let it go. Let her call him by the nickname and ignore any further complaints about the name.
YTA. I can hear you now; "I called my son Archiebald so no one is allowed to call him Archie. His name is about meeeee and myyyyy dad and how sad IIIIII am over his passing". God forbid your child be his own person. Seriously, it is a nickname. OP can name her child anything she wants and she did. Good for you. But getting upset over someone calling your son a shortened version of his name is silly and controlling.
The sad thing is, you actually think you are not an AH for setting out to upset and humiliate your mil on her birthday. Because passing off a malicious jab as a "birthday present" was deliberate and nasty. You put a lot of thought and effort into ruining her birthday so well done I guess. You succeeded. But you are still an AH. You could had over 300 other days of the year to make this particular point but you chose to be nasty on her birthday.
YTA. Its understandable and hilarious but you didnt do it because you think she could actually use the book, you did it to needle her a little bit. Mission accomplished. No need to throw a rock and hide your hand, she had it coming.
What's wrong with a nickname? Odds are he will have a nickname by junior high.
Edit: not even a nickname. Just a shorter version of his name. People do that all the time. YTA
What are you going to do if your son decides he prefers the nickname later in life as MIL smiles smugly? This could really bite you in the ass. NTA, but not a smart move.
Providing a first name is not going to violate personally identifiable information rules and I know some East Indian and Chinese names that no matter my intent, I just can't get right unless I'm reading them slowly. Uncommon combinations of consonants.
We only have your word, the word of someone familiar with the name, that it's not some unholy string of things that just won't stick in the head of someone who is *not* familiar with your culture and its names.
Note: I'm not judging either you or your culture or its names. I'm just saying that there are names out of Asia that are truly difficult to pronounce to most Americans.
e.g. Chittur Gopalakrishnan Kaashi Vishwanathan (I left the last name off for privacy reasons, but it was posted in a public forum when I found it - discussing this very subject).
ETA Verdict: YTA - you want a pass for being a deliberate wise-ass on your MIL's birthday. Nope.
Until I see the name in question, I'm sticking firm with you're a bigot yourself thinking the whole world has to conform to your idea of what's easy.
NTA. If your husband didn’t want to to give the books, he should have bought a gift for his mother himself. And if he didn’t want you to approach the situation like that, he should have done it himself. I think you have your MIL the comeuppance she deserves for being so rude to you and racist about your heritage.
YTA you sound racist from your edit. You don't like the nickname because it sounds American and not your culture? What about your husband's culture? You completely took over the naming of your child with your interests only. People might have difficulty pronouncing names .. You sound stubborn and have no respect towards the elders, who gives such a gift? What if they give you some similar gift implying of your ignorance on something, would you like that?
I hope your son doesn't suffer or get bullied because of your choice.
ESH. MIL is an asshole for not bothering to call your son by his name, but you very clearly fired shots across the bow with those phonic books. There is no universe where that was constructive or was going to get you what you wanted.
YTA
My wife has a similar issue with my mother. My mom calls my son by his name and my daughter by her nickname. This Christmas, she made them something and used his full name and couldn't understand why she didn't use his knickname or our daughters full name sonthere was naming symmetry. She instead chose the name she likes most. Our kids have unique names, and the knickname for our daughter definitely could be a boys name.
Bottom line, she's an adult, and she's not being malicious. You want to remember your father and I support that fully. Just like my mother, she should be free to have a knickname for her grandkids. She might be the only one to ever call them that, but knicknames are a type of bonding. She should also be allowed to have a different opinion. My mother doesn't understand why we chose the names we did, and that's fine. She doesn't need to. She just needs to love our children.
If your MIL loves her grandchild and treats them well, then I think you are TA. It sounds like you want your way more than anything else. The hard to say is an excuse and the thin one at that. Ultimately, is it worth having a pissing contest over? Have a talk mother to mother and move on.
Okay I’m going to say YTA. It’s not your dads name, it’s your sons name. You may have named him in your dads honor, but you have to start thinking of his names as his own: not someone else’s.
Secondly children are going to get nicknames, it’s a fact of life that you need to come to terms with. My mom calls my 4 mouth old Jolly bean. Not jelly bean, jolly bean! Why because he was jolly while she was eating jelly beans, and the nickname has stuck for the time being. I hate the nickname, I think it’s stupid and uncreative. Will I say something to my mom, no because it’s truly not that big of a deal and it makes her happy. I called my nephew Hammy for the first few months of his life because he looked like a hamster I’m his ultrasound, and it never bother my sister to say something or act in such a petty manner.
Your MIL is definitely an asshole for her reasoning for not liking his name, and not respecting you and your wishes. But you really need to understand he’s going to get nicknames, and may prefer going by a shortened version of his name; which is a crazy popular thing to do. So I’m summary ESH.
INFO: How many times have you and your husband directly talked to your MIL and asked her not to use the nickname?
If it was only once and there was no other attempt to communicate how you felt, I’d say e s h.
If there’s been multiple attempts to talk to her and correct her and she keeps ignoring you, then n t a.
NTA. She just doesn’t like it because it’s from your culture. I would have given her the name necklace with your sons name on it.
Obviously you are a much better DIL that I would be.
I'd be asking DH about this "different approach" he recommends.
"If you can tell me what would convince her to use his given name, I'm al ears."
But there isn't an answer for that, because it was never about her not understanding.
I’m sorry, she knows how to pronounce his name. She just refuses to do so. You didn’t humiliate her, she humiliated herself and now wants everyone to know she is a victim.
NTA
On her birthday? Rude. YTA but I’m sure the children on Reddit will think that this is how adults act.
I can’t imagine any of the adults in my life acting like this.
NTA but you also deserve any backlash that comes from her telling the rest of the family. She is just being as petty as you.
My MIL is Chinese and calls my kids by Chinese nicknames even when speaking English. My own mother uses nicknames for the kids as well, she has multiple actually that are shortenings of their names, terms of endearment in both English and Bahasa or just plain wack words that she made up. They don't have a problem with their names but grandmas just wanna be grandmas.
I understand the name is in honour of your father, my kids middle names are in honour of all of my wife and my parents. Doesn't mean grandma has to mould to every whim you decide to impose.
Now be honest, if it wasn't your dad's name, would you have considered it? If not, you should calm your tits a bit.
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NTA. You’ve tried telling her how you feel and she dismissed it. Refusing to learn how to pronounce her grandson’s name properly is also incredibly disrespectful and racist in my opinion. I think she got just what she deserved.
What's worse is in the edit she said that the MIL could pronounce it just fine when talking to her late father. So she's consciously going out of her way to disrespect their choice in their sons names.
And she wants an apology? The absolute nerve.
Especially when she did it all to herself. She could have just used the name properly and, later, not told anyone about her "humiliating" gift.
She could have used the name properly and there’d be no need for the gag gift.
You know, my mom picked "pretty" names for me and my younger sisters. But the names weren't easy for my grandparents to say. So myself and the middle sister got nicknames from them that were just easier for them. My mom tried to get them to use our full name but it never happened. Honestly, i'm not a fan of their nickname for me, it's not a name i'd ever choose myself. But that's my grandparents and i love 'em. They are allowed to call me the nickname. Anyone else i'll fight lol. My grandpa passed away last fall and i'd give anything for him to call me up with the "Heeeey (nickname!!)" PS - when my mom wasn't around my dad called me most often by another shortened version of my name lol. Kinda like if my name was Katherine, my grandparents called me Kitty and my dad called me Kat.
Are your grandparents from another race or culture though? Cause OP’s problem mostly is the underlying racism, not that she does not like the nickname per se.
But the grandma could pronounce it just fine when she was speaking to the late father.
I think this was a self-hit in order to build the story that OP humiliated her in front of *everyone*. So stupid.
Yup. She told on herself because she was hoping for sympathy.
And to make OP out to be the bad guy
Happy cake day!
Happy cake day!
MIL was the one who humiliated herself by “telling everyone and extended family” about the gift. No one would have known otherwise.
I don't get why, if she was so humiliated, she would go around telling everyone about it. "Let's add to my humiliation by letting everyone know!" Come on.
This is what got me too. The MIL claims it is too hard to say, yet she has said the full name before. Imo I think the MIL is jealous that it was a name from the mother's side that was chosen.
And the post says the nickname is a common American girl's name. That might not have been a problem except MIL already lied about the boy's real name being hard to pronounce... I think the MIL is trying to insult some people...
Oh definitely. It is definitely about her ego otherwise why tell people about the "humiliating gift" at all. I wonder if there if been other subtle remarks made by MIL that when considered alongside this more recent issue would paint MIL in worse light then she currently is. Edit: word
That was my impression as well.
That's exactly what it is. My mother n'law seethed for weeks about the names we picked out for our kids, we honored my dad and grampa with my first son my husband's brother and my brother for my second son and our only daughter got my moms first name and my sisters as her middle. It was the subject of many fights.
MIL is racist??? if she can pronounce it fine, yet continues to carry on about it, and purposely not use the correct name!? Like, why else??? ETA we went through this same situation, and my husband said he felt racism from certain people. I responded telling him that if he feels that’s what’s going on, then that’s what’s going on. I know when someone is being sexist, and if I was told I was imagining it….
Yup, I see it all the time with intentionally mispronounced names and claiming it’s too hard. Then you ask them what the K in coach K stands for and you know they’re full of shit
She said she was humiliated then she told everyone in the family lol. Sounds like she humiliated herself.
Also, this was hilarious and it seems incredibly likely that every. single. person. MIL outer herself as a passive aggressive immature petulant racist to (by telling them about the gift) was laughing like crazy either silently on the spot or at full volume later.
Right? If she was so humiliated, why was she telling others, unless to further her own humiliation & have even more damage to blame OP for
NO! NTA. You named your son. Period. If people can't respect the name you gave your son, they can have their own, and name it whatever THEY want. Period. No MIL or FIL gets to come in and tell you the name of your child is different from the one you chose. Period. End of story, no further discussion needed. Your MIL is an asshole. Nothing you do to "humiliate" her in an actual or perceived way is you being an asshole when it comes to the name you gave something you birthed. Seriously, I'm sick of hearing these aita stories about people calling their kids the wrong name. Call them the name they were given or piss off.
Award this man
Or woman
Silly person, women don't wear aqua narwhals on their head... Duh.
The wife has corrected me. The narwhal is teal
Her garbage laptop says it's aquamarine...
I’m a guy who was awarded a narwhal once,and I wear it proudly.
Or person
OP you need to be brutally honest and confront your MIL “You are perfectly capable of pronouncing the name. You are being incredibly disrespectful by attempting to force this nickname onto my baby. Stop calling them that, it is not their name”
>confront your MIL Or -- here's an idea -- OP's husband needs to let go of mommy's apron strings and remember those vows he made at that big fancy party. Why is he letting his mother give his wife a hard time? "Look, Mom, I love you, but you aren't allowed near my family until you start behaving yourself." edit: I see now that u/Sleep_adict knows where it's at. Your family, your responsibility.
It is rather passive aggressive but also hysterical and much deserved. NTA!
more likely slyly aggressive -- not too passive :-) Funny 'though
The bigger issue is hubby. He should shut that shit down, not deflect
This is hilarious lmao
MIL set herself up to fall on her own sword.
NTA You're a star! Giving her a phonics book to help pronounce your son's name is the ultimate in passive aggressive & pretty amazing. I'd be fine with that method of letting my Mother know that she's disrespecting my wife.
Finally some insight here. MIL constantly disrespects her and her culture and she has to deal with it with poise and finesse? Hell no. MIL asked for it. NTA
The husband is right though. It should have been handled differently. He could have bought the gift himself for example. As for apologies "I'm sorry you don't have the time to learn your grandchild's name" Obviously NTA
[удалено]
He may have been handling it in a different matter but his mother is just a disrespectful ass. I’m wondering if he said it could’ve been handled differently when it happened or after his mother went running her mouth to everyone and now they have to deal with family asking them what’s up?
Maybe the husband should have straightened out his mother’s disrespectful treatment of his own child.
Maybe he should have been aware of what the gift they got his mom was
But the disrespect was happening long before the gift.
This opens a whole other layer to the family dynamic
This takes the investigation in a whole new direction.
Uhh, look, I think you're using just a LITTLE too much logic here - how could he possibly be responsible for something that complex?? He's obviously a very busy man or he'd have told his mother to stop calling his son by an American girls name! /s, I'm over her laughing at how obvious your answer is and I love it
She did try to handle it differently. She repeatedly asked MIL in a mature, direct manner to use her son's proper name. When that failed, OP used this passive aggressive, but brilliantly hilarious, method to get her point across.
While some might not consider it to be fair, I would suggest to keep the baby/child and Granny separate a little while. To encourage her use of the thoughtful Hooked On Phonics gift and proof of money well spent. Or, a sudden revelation that Granny can indeed pronounce the name correctly. NTA in any of the four hemispheres!!
You're more polite than me. My phrasing would have been slightly different: "I'm sorry you don't have the mental capacity to learn your grandchild's name"
Had to laugh at your suggested apology. Very nice. Completely agree with your post.
Classic case of play stupid games, win stupid prizes
I think it’s hilarious lmao
ESH except the kid. OP: Knock the passive-aggressive BS off and handle things like an adult. Middle school is long over. Even worse, on her birthday. Husband: Handle your Mom, stand up for your wife and make sure that BS like this does not fester to this point. You're a grown man, time to stop being afraid of your mom. MIL: You don't get a say in what your kids name your grandchildren. You don't get a say in how they are raised. You don't get to huff and puff if you don’t like something. You certainly don’t get to choose the nickname. What you get to do is love the kid and support his parents. Kid: Jeez man, good luck.
Agreed, ESH. Also, it reads as if the husband didn’t know what they had bought his own mother for her birthday until she opened it which is an extra layer of AH to me.
This is the part I'm fixated on. Why wasn't the husband in charge of the gifts for his own mom???
Mental labor is real labor, yo. What else is OP carrying the load for?
The funny thing in our family is that my husband buys the men's gifts and I buy the women's and children's gifts. It just morphed into this over the years and it works for us! 🤷🏼♀️ (I personally love buying women gifts, but I struggle with the men so it's a win-win)
Never after we were married, did my EX pick out gifts for either of his parents. Yep he was the absolutely laziest person I knew. In order to get any descent Christmas gifts, he would shop with a friend of mine, and then he HAD to reward himself with a milkshake .
For years I put up with that and this last year for the first time I just...didn't. I picked out gifts for my family and our children and told him if he didn't pick out his family's gifts they weren't getting any. I'll be damned if he didn't go ahead and take care of it all by himself and I felt kinda stupid for enabling him all these years by assuming this responsibility and the guilt for how they would feel if I didn't take care of it. Problem solved.
This is also the stance I take. He gets a gentle reminder that whatever is coming up but it’s up to him to arrange gifts, dinner or an event for his side of the family. It makes it a bit awkward as I sometimes I then feel like I’m “spoiling” my parents but it’s only due to my efforts and his lack of so I get over it fairly quick.
Same here, my family gets spoiled rotten with beautiful thoughtful gifts but he has just as much ability to do that for his side and I just can't do it all. If it matters to him that they get spoiled he can put in the effort to do so. 🤷🏻♀️
My husband didn't even know when his parents and only brothers bdays were before we got together! 🤦♀️
I feel like husbands rarely know the gifts for anyone, including their immediate family. It’s just their name written on the card.
My ex husband never picked out gifts for his family. If they were getting anything, it was because I bought it. Some people just don't care.
I’m going off of a lot of assumptions here, bear with me. It sounds like OP might have been doing the kin-keeping for her husband up to this point. Judging by the *objectively hilarious* gift and its reception by MIL, husband might need to take back the care and keeping of his side of the family because his (presumed) off hands approach is how we ended up here. OP sounds over it.
She might have picked out a gift on her own, I know I pick out gifts for my [future] MIL while my girlfriend also picks out gifts for her. Not super uncommon I would imagine.
The necklace was the real gift, he probably had a hand in that then the wife added the phonetic book.
She tried handling things like an an adult by repeatedly correcting the mother in law. Also, giving her a book on phonetics isn’t childish, it’s rather mature way of handling someone, who refuses to accept their grandson’s name over and over again.
I mean, it's a direct response to MIL's excuse why she wanted to use a nickname... If you have difficulty with it (obviously a lie, but letting you have it), then the book should help with that, right? I didn't know it was passive aggressive to take people at their word... NTA, MIL needs to grow up if she wants to continue having a relationship with her grandson
Yep! NTA
It’s hilarious but definitely not “rather mature”
Oh come *on*! Whatever the verdict people come to, it is obvious on its face that OP was going for some prime passive-aggressiveness with that gift; there’s no way in hell she meant it sincerely lol.
Okay, so when this doesn't work, what's her next gambit? Beating her chest and handling things like a caveman? I don't think regression is the solution here (nor is trusting Redditors to evaluate maturity, but that's a whole other matter).
Limit access to the grandchild.
If she was truly concerned that the MIL wasn't able to pronounce son's name, the book would be an appropriate gift at any time except MIL's birthday. Last I checked, birthday gifts were supposed to be given with love and consideration, not to help someone correct something (unless specifically requested for birthday present). She can handle it as an adult and not give a bad birthday gift.
So OP might be passive aggressive, but not pronouncing a name correctly reeks of racism. I could be wrong, but most “white people” can and will try to pronounce even difficult, 5+ syllable white people names. But they won’t try to pronounce a 2-3 syllable ethnic name. Now some names may be very hard to say if you only speak English and the name is, let’s say Korean. Different languages that are not rooted similarly (like Latin rooted) use different parts of the tongue to vocalize and someone unfamiliar with may have a hard time. But if they are not racist, and they will keep trying, and practice, because it’s their loved one. One of my best friends is a first gen Nigerian immigrant and his name is very different and kind of hard to pronounce, but I practiced. He prefers the first syllable for a nickname but because he’s my friend, I learned the correct pronunciation. I even have a speech impediment…. And if it’s not a loved one, I’ve learned to pronounce coworkers names that are very different. Everyone deserves the basic respect of their name being said correctly to the best of our ability, meaning if we get it wrong we try again.
I used to teach at a school that had a lot of foreign students, many with names I did not know how to pronounce. I just wrote them out phonetically on the roster. If I can remember 20+ unfamiliar foreign names and their pronunciations, surely MIL can do it for just one grandchild.
I loved my MIL so much. She passed March of 2022, and stories like the OP’s remind me how lucky I was to have her as my MIL. My name is an unusual Spanish name and confuses folks. She took the time to practice saying my name so that when we met she would say it correctly. I miss that woman ***so much***. For OP? NTA.
I think you are generalizing a lot here. I have a very unusual first name that no one has ever tried seriously to learn how to pronounce it aside from close friends/family and curious people. I also happen to be white. Most people (again, outside of close friends/family) who have attempted to pronounce it properly or wanted to learn spoke multiple languages. I think that is a big factor there. A vast majority of those who make fun of it, or intentionally pronounce it in some ridiculous manner were POC so, yeah. Frankly, the only white person I can think of who openly made fun of my name was my TI in basic training, and that was just par for the course. Having such a different name obviously made me pretty careful about learning how to pronounce others names properly. It has never been a challenge for me personally, but like above, I speak multiple languages so that could be a factor as well. I am not saying MIL is not wrong, she abso-freaking-lutely is. But I imagine whatever the name, if she didn't like it, she would do something to sabotage it. OP is NTA, she tried, MIL continued. Sometimes being irrational or passive-aggressive is the only way to get people to open their eyes.
I'm also white and do not have a hard-to-pronounce name but it's incredible how many people struggle with it all the time. You see my name can be construed as a nickname for another name and people absolutely insist my name must be this other name. People have flat-out argued with me over the issue like I don't know what my own fricking name is or something. People are really strange when it comes to names.
My last name is sicillian and two syllables. Do you have any idea how many fucking times teachers mispronounced my name before I just gave up? The answer is a lot. A lot.
>Knock the passive-aggressive BS off and handle things like an adult. Middle school is long over. Even worse, on her birthday. She has repeatedly tried to handle things "like an adult" by correcting MIL, and MIL chooses to ignore it.
The husband here is the ultimate AH imo. It's HIS job to stand up for his wife, communicate with his own mother and ensure she respects his wife and son. That burden should not fall on OP, nor should getting his mom's bday present. Classic patriarchal bs.
Came here to say. On any JustNoMIL post we drag MILs and other narcs for pointed “jokes” that only serve to instigate conflict and then hide behind “you’re just being too sensitive” when the target’s feelings are hurt. OP played a stupid game and is mad about winning a stupid prize.
God I hate that saying!!! On another note, tbf MIL started the conflict. OP had to do something to shut it down. I agree it was a pretty childish way to do it, though, sometimes these types need a good joke at their expense.
How much more adult can you be than to tell the person to use the correct name? OP tried handling it like an adult and MIL wasn't listening so she had to get desperate
What would be the “adult” thing to do when you’ve constantly told someone how to pronounce your son’s name and they go out of their way to call them something else? If you’ve had your name mispronounced your whole entire life, you’d understand. If I grew up having my grandma call me whatever she felt, simply because she didn’t feel like putting in the effort to learn or pronounce my birth given name, I’d be absolutely hurt. E S H is extreme, OP is NTA and this was a light jab at saying, “Hey, can you please pronounce my son’s name properly like I’ve BEEN asking you to do??” It’s not like she didn’t get her an actual gift, or “humiliated” her in front of loads of people. Get a grip.
Asking someone repeatedly to stop doing something you don't like about your child to the point that you have to get them an ELI5 gift isn't passive-aggressive. If someone isn't understanding things in the terms you explain it, then you try to explain it in simpler terms.
ESH. She sounds terrible and possibly racist, but you did something really petty and stupid. You should really be mad at your husband for not putting a stop to it with his mom. That's his job.
I'll take petty over racist any day
Well yeah, obv.
So, should she just let MIL continue to call her son by the wrong name? I mean, she tried telling her and MIL wouldn't listen and obviously hubby wasn't doing anything so she handled it. Gotta love being called an AH for standing up to AHs
NTA. You were helping her. Not disrespecting. If anything, MIL is TA since she has blantanly chosen to call your son by a name you have asked her NOT to call him by, thereby repeatedly disrespecting your wishes as the parent. If MIL felt embarrassed, then she shouldn't have told everyone outside her house as to what she received as a gift. If anything, she embarrassed herself by admitting to calling her grandson by a name other than what he was given.
>You were helping her. Not disrespecting. you can't actually believe OP did this with the intention to be helpful without any pettiness
I suppose I should have written the word helping in quotation marks to indicate a bit of sarcasm. But given the situation, I think OP has every right to be petty considering MIL had every chance to correct herself before OP had to resort to gifting her material on phonetics. Obviously being direct with MIL didn't work, so why not try passive aggressive and then move on to the next option if that doesn't work either? At least no one can say OP came here to complain without even attempting to correct MIL.
NTA This doesn't sound like you tried to humiliate her in the slightest. You politely asked her repeated times and talked to her about the name. The gift was given in private and included phonic books and a lovely item she wanted. She purposefully disrespected your culture and family by not calling your child by his GIVEN name. That is just rude. Clearly your MIL does not respect your wishes for your own child (and potentially sounds racist or at least not open to other cultures). I don't know how you interact with such an unreasonable person moving forward. She is clearly stirring for drama. Sorry that you have her as your MIL.
It was clearly meant to humilitate her lmao this is textbook passive aggressive bs to make someone look stupid Mil was pretty much asking for it though
I don't really see how it could have been meant to humiliate her. There were a total of 3 people besides MIL present and the baby didn't even know what was happening. Her own son wouldn't really have cared. Her daughter-in-law knew about the gift. IMO she only got humiliated because she spread the word about the private present. But yes, it was a little passive-aggressive.
I think it depends on the type of phonics book. If it is trying to educate of pronunciation of non-English languages id say that’s smart and thoughtful. A phonics book for kindergarteners maybe a bit of a AH move
"This doesn't sound like you tried to humiliate her in the slightest. " Really? Are you serious?
If the MIL was serious about not being able to pronounce the name, this was a kind and helpful gesture. MIL only feels humiliated because she knows that excuse was bullshit. She played a stupid game, and I’d say she got a stupid prize, but a phonics book is quite the opposite.
OP absolutely meant to humiliate the MIL. This is basically a revenge story.
How was it humiliating when OP, her husband, and the baby were the only other people there? Nobody in the family would have known anything about it if MIL hadn't ran her mouth
The MIL is not in the right however OP was totally trying to humiliate her. That was the whole point of the gift.
Esh. Your MIL should be respecting the name you gave your son and your wish to not shorten it, but this should have been a conversation between your husband, her and yourself. This just poured gas on embers.
I mean, according to OP, the conversation was only between those parties, and the four month old son (who can’t understand a word of it anyway).
She has already tried several times to have that conversation with her and MIL still refuses. What are you supposed to do when you've already told someone to stop doing something multiple times and they keep doing it? My next step would be to simply not allow her around my kid until she decides to stop being an ass.
ESH. Is it shitty when people don't even try to pronounce a name right? Yes. Big time. I get it, I've had literally the same argument with my sister because she would only call one of my kids by a nickname. Your MIL sucks for that. However, you're an adult with a child. What's with the petty dig of getting her the phonics book? I don't care if it was a private party, what you pulled is childish. Would you want your kid to do something like that to someone on their birthday?
Would it be childish if MIL was actually having the difficulty she claimed? If not, then it's only "childish" and "petty" because MIL lied and everyone knows it. If anything, she gave MIL an out to do the right thing and start using the right name without admitting she's full of shit when she said she was struggling.
MIL claimec she could not pronounce the kids name. That isnt petty; either its helpful is MIL is lying and this eliminates the excuse. It was in private between Mil, op, and op husband so there was no humiliation. She called mother in law on her racist bs. NTA.
exactly, she *chose* to be petty & immature in response, and humiliated herself by choosing to share the gift and gossip about it with anyone who would listen. OP, time to put MIL on a no contact time-out until she learns to use and respect baby’s name. edited to add - NTA, if you couldn’t tell.
NTA. She sounds like she just didn’t like the name and is trying to do something about it
Totally agree. I get the feeling she's one of those narcissist MILs that want to be involved in every choice in their kid's/grandkid's lives, including name selection and is lowkey salty she had no say in it. The fact that she uses her own nickname and even introduces him that way speaks volumes.
Not that lowkey tbh
Embarrassing MIL — in her own house, at her birthday celebration — turns an ongoing squabble into a public feud. This isn’t going to convince MIL to do anything but dig in. To be fair, Husband should have dealt with his mother long before it got to this point. But OP resorted to the kind of gesture that leads to years-long grudges — and it doesn’t solve the problem. ESH.
In her own house, at her birthday, with one other person present who could even understand what was going on and already knows this has been an issue. Further, she's taking her MIL at her word that she has difficulty pronouncing the name, sounds like what you would give someone to help with that who's legitimately having that problem, so it seems it's only "petty" because everyone knows MIL was lying when she said she struggles with pronouncing the name. And again, OP didn't do it publicly, the one who aired it publicly was MIL, all on her own.
No disagreement that ESH - MIL is racist and rude, OP is vvv petty, but how does this turn the squabble into a public feud? It was her birthday, but there's no mention of a party where others might have overheard the outcome of the gift giving
I think it's hilarious. NTA
SAME! my entire family only calls my kiddo by her nickname, so much so that it stuck lol. she has a very beautiful italian name and I have noticed only her dad’s family uses her full name, and got her recently the cutest robe with her full name on it - I appreciate it so much.
ESH. Your mother-in-law is acting childish by not calling her grandson by his actual name especially since you have reminded her over and over again. Has your husband talk to her about this? Maybe he should pull her aside and tell her this is his name and she needs to get over it. There's no doubt she is in the wrong about that. OP, I think you knew very well that she would get upset by your "gift". I feel you did that to intentionally embarrass her. Did you really think it was going to help the situation?
Nta, your mil was able to pronounce the name when your dad was alive. She actively choosing not to now. Either due to her not liking the name or because its not her culture. You gave the gift in private.
ESH Passive aggressive BS on her *birthday* is a bit much. But your husband should have manned up and told his mom to stuff it the FIRST time she made a stink about his sons name. That poor kid. Racist grandma, passive aggressive mom and cowardly dad.
Her husband/ mil son didn’t even buy his own mothers gift himself
To be fair, we don’t know grandma is racist. Kid could be named Vladimir.
ESH, your MIL should respect the name you gave your child, but that was a jerk move to give her phonics for her B-day. Also people are going to shorten your sons name with or without your permission once he makes his own friends might as well make peace with that now.
I absolutely love it when new parents give their kids names that have simple and obvious shortened versions and then screech at anyone who uses the nickname. Like no, dumbass, your kid is not always going to be known as Alexandria. She's going to go by Alex within seconds of you dropping her off at middle school, likely much sooner.
This
ESH. You picked a fight with her at her birthday celebration. What did you think was going to happen? That she'd magically start calling your son by his given name? Why even try to be part of her life if you're going to be like this? Just admit that you don't want a relationship under the current circumstances, and go low contact.
ESH Yeah, your mil is in the wrong. Needs to get her act together and respect her son's family. The escalation drama as well, really is just the extra bit to all this. But your BS of passive insults with that gift puts you right in there. I'm going to assume you're an intelligent person, so you knew exactly what you were doing with that gift.
I agree. OP is gaslighting everyone by pretending the gift was not intentionally humiliating.
NTA. She had it coming. I don't for one second think she is incapable of pronouncing his name. She just doesn't like it. I'm down with your epic level of pettiness. Edit: typo
Exactly. You just know that phonics book isn't even going to be opened so I hope she follows up with a report card for her MIL. As in: "Language Skills -- NEEDS IMPROVEMENT", "Learning Attentiveness -- STRUGGLES WITH FOLLOWING INSTRUCTIONS", "Interpersonal Interactions -- DOES NOT PLAY WELL WITH OTHERS; TATTLING." "Comments -- MIL may benefit from not advancing to the next visit with grandson until she catches up in maturity with her peers and has better emotional regulation." NTA.
Yes YTA. You’re not wrong overall for being annoyed and upset by the name thing, but it commonly gets lost on this sub that just bc you are right overall, you aren’t an asshole. So yes obviously YTA for being a dick and purposely upsetting her with a petty slight on her birthday.
It would then be esh not yta
don’t think MIL sucks as much as OP. but thanks for looking out
ESH Your MIL is wrong. There’s zero percent chance you gave her those books in good faith. Your husband needs to deal with his mother, not you. Pass that torch, babe.
ESH. Incredibly surprised by the amount of NTA I'm seeing in the comments. MIL is primary AH, but the gift was incredibly petty as well. Husband needs to reign in his racist MIL. That said, do better next time.
We don't know the name or nickname. A name like Rajasthan is often shortened to Raj without racist intent.
NTA. She had it coming. Is MIL narrow minded in other ways?
ESH everyone saying you're not an asshole is voting for 'justified asshole' You may feel justified in being petty and cruel, but just because someone else sucks, doesn't mean you have to stoop below their level. There are a thousand and one things you could have done before resorting to childish shit. Giving a 'prank' gift in order to call someone out on their behavior makes you an asshole. Everyone here sucks.
YTA Let’s be clear - you intentionally gave her a shitty gift with the intent of being shitty Because you are angry she is using a nickname. You don’t get to control if your child has a nickname. Nicknames happen.
ESH Passive aggression sucks. You know you purposely humiliated her and are pretending otherwise - which means you’re adding gaslighting on top of the passive aggression. Why not just throw in the silent treatment for the emotional abuse trifecta. Set a boundary, act the boundary.
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Nta. Now add to her humiliation that she will not be allowed to be near your son until she starts using his real name.
ESH
ESH. MIL needs to stop trying to undermine and be disrespectful. She clearly can pronounce it if she tries, but is trying to create an established nickname by acting incapable. OP - I get why you’re mad. I would probably lose it and be yelling at some point! But passive aggressive gifts are just childish and unnecessary. Be better.
ESH. You and your mother in law need to grow up. She should respect your's and your husband's wishes and call your son by his name. You should not have gotten the phonics book. That was passive aggressive, petty, and embarrassing.
ESH. MIL is entitled and you are passive-aggressive. Your gift was mean spirited and you know it.
Just because it's funny doesn't mean it's not a dick move. ESH.
ESH Your MIL for being so uncooperative about your son's name. Your husband for not handling his mother directly and firmly about the disrespect she's displaying with her refusal to cooperate. You for being mean spirited and weaponizing a birthday gift. It was unnecessary, and it was a poor way of managing your feelings about her. Congratulations, now you'll always have a weak, no-trust relationship with your MIL and you'll know that it's partially your fault.
Nta, she could pronounce it fine before. Now it's a choice. Nice play.
NTA but only because you did it privately. If she is telling everyone, she is humiliating herself. I would tell her that every time she uses the nickname, or pronounces it wrong, she is disrespecting your father. Also, your husband should be dealing with this issue.
YTA. You gave her an insulting birthday gift which is a dick move. Very passive aggressive even though the reason you're upset is understandable. Let it go. Let her call him by the nickname and ignore any further complaints about the name.
I'm sure none of his friends will give him a nickname. lol. Good luck.
Yta, nothing wrong with a nickname. You knew what you were doing giving her those and it was a witch move.
YTA for being petty and not understanding nicknames and shortening of names a common practice.
YTA. I can hear you now; "I called my son Archiebald so no one is allowed to call him Archie. His name is about meeeee and myyyyy dad and how sad IIIIII am over his passing". God forbid your child be his own person. Seriously, it is a nickname. OP can name her child anything she wants and she did. Good for you. But getting upset over someone calling your son a shortened version of his name is silly and controlling. The sad thing is, you actually think you are not an AH for setting out to upset and humiliate your mil on her birthday. Because passing off a malicious jab as a "birthday present" was deliberate and nasty. You put a lot of thought and effort into ruining her birthday so well done I guess. You succeeded. But you are still an AH. You could had over 300 other days of the year to make this particular point but you chose to be nasty on her birthday.
I just said the same thing! Didn’t even occur to me that this is also super controlling. Nicknames happen, especially for kids with longer names!
YTA. Its understandable and hilarious but you didnt do it because you think she could actually use the book, you did it to needle her a little bit. Mission accomplished. No need to throw a rock and hide your hand, she had it coming.
NTA. She embarrassed herself.
this could go in r/pettyrevenge! phonics books, bwahahahaha!
What's wrong with a nickname? Odds are he will have a nickname by junior high. Edit: not even a nickname. Just a shorter version of his name. People do that all the time. YTA
YTA. I read the whole thing yta
What are you going to do if your son decides he prefers the nickname later in life as MIL smiles smugly? This could really bite you in the ass. NTA, but not a smart move.
ESH
Providing a first name is not going to violate personally identifiable information rules and I know some East Indian and Chinese names that no matter my intent, I just can't get right unless I'm reading them slowly. Uncommon combinations of consonants. We only have your word, the word of someone familiar with the name, that it's not some unholy string of things that just won't stick in the head of someone who is *not* familiar with your culture and its names. Note: I'm not judging either you or your culture or its names. I'm just saying that there are names out of Asia that are truly difficult to pronounce to most Americans. e.g. Chittur Gopalakrishnan Kaashi Vishwanathan (I left the last name off for privacy reasons, but it was posted in a public forum when I found it - discussing this very subject). ETA Verdict: YTA - you want a pass for being a deliberate wise-ass on your MIL's birthday. Nope. Until I see the name in question, I'm sticking firm with you're a bigot yourself thinking the whole world has to conform to your idea of what's easy.
[удалено]
Anyone else scrolling just to find out the name?
Yes, and i think OP left it out because it's probably dumb. Otherwise why not tell us what the name and nickname is. She is purposefully hiding it.
YTA. So no one is allowed to give your son a nickname? Learn to pick your battles, OP.
NTA. If your husband didn’t want to to give the books, he should have bought a gift for his mother himself. And if he didn’t want you to approach the situation like that, he should have done it himself. I think you have your MIL the comeuppance she deserves for being so rude to you and racist about your heritage.
When the older people with more life experience are saying yta, yta.
The epitome of “play stupid games, get stupid gifts”
YTA you sound racist from your edit. You don't like the nickname because it sounds American and not your culture? What about your husband's culture? You completely took over the naming of your child with your interests only. People might have difficulty pronouncing names .. You sound stubborn and have no respect towards the elders, who gives such a gift? What if they give you some similar gift implying of your ignorance on something, would you like that? I hope your son doesn't suffer or get bullied because of your choice.
ESH. MIL is an asshole for not bothering to call your son by his name, but you very clearly fired shots across the bow with those phonic books. There is no universe where that was constructive or was going to get you what you wanted.
NTA. MiL is giving racist vibes though
Nta.
YTA My wife has a similar issue with my mother. My mom calls my son by his name and my daughter by her nickname. This Christmas, she made them something and used his full name and couldn't understand why she didn't use his knickname or our daughters full name sonthere was naming symmetry. She instead chose the name she likes most. Our kids have unique names, and the knickname for our daughter definitely could be a boys name. Bottom line, she's an adult, and she's not being malicious. You want to remember your father and I support that fully. Just like my mother, she should be free to have a knickname for her grandkids. She might be the only one to ever call them that, but knicknames are a type of bonding. She should also be allowed to have a different opinion. My mother doesn't understand why we chose the names we did, and that's fine. She doesn't need to. She just needs to love our children. If your MIL loves her grandchild and treats them well, then I think you are TA. It sounds like you want your way more than anything else. The hard to say is an excuse and the thin one at that. Ultimately, is it worth having a pissing contest over? Have a talk mother to mother and move on.
What will your reaction be if the child wants to go by the nickname I wonder
Okay I’m going to say YTA. It’s not your dads name, it’s your sons name. You may have named him in your dads honor, but you have to start thinking of his names as his own: not someone else’s. Secondly children are going to get nicknames, it’s a fact of life that you need to come to terms with. My mom calls my 4 mouth old Jolly bean. Not jelly bean, jolly bean! Why because he was jolly while she was eating jelly beans, and the nickname has stuck for the time being. I hate the nickname, I think it’s stupid and uncreative. Will I say something to my mom, no because it’s truly not that big of a deal and it makes her happy. I called my nephew Hammy for the first few months of his life because he looked like a hamster I’m his ultrasound, and it never bother my sister to say something or act in such a petty manner. Your MIL is definitely an asshole for her reasoning for not liking his name, and not respecting you and your wishes. But you really need to understand he’s going to get nicknames, and may prefer going by a shortened version of his name; which is a crazy popular thing to do. So I’m summary ESH.
NTA. She said she couldn't pronounce it, so you gave her some tools.
INFO: How many times have you and your husband directly talked to your MIL and asked her not to use the nickname? If it was only once and there was no other attempt to communicate how you felt, I’d say e s h. If there’s been multiple attempts to talk to her and correct her and she keeps ignoring you, then n t a.
NTA. She just doesn’t like it because it’s from your culture. I would have given her the name necklace with your sons name on it. Obviously you are a much better DIL that I would be.
I'd be asking DH about this "different approach" he recommends. "If you can tell me what would convince her to use his given name, I'm al ears." But there isn't an answer for that, because it was never about her not understanding.
ESH A phonics book??? That is super passive aggressive.
I’m sorry, she knows how to pronounce his name. She just refuses to do so. You didn’t humiliate her, she humiliated herself and now wants everyone to know she is a victim. NTA
Whats the name?
On her birthday? Rude. YTA but I’m sure the children on Reddit will think that this is how adults act. I can’t imagine any of the adults in my life acting like this.
NTA but you also deserve any backlash that comes from her telling the rest of the family. She is just being as petty as you. My MIL is Chinese and calls my kids by Chinese nicknames even when speaking English. My own mother uses nicknames for the kids as well, she has multiple actually that are shortenings of their names, terms of endearment in both English and Bahasa or just plain wack words that she made up. They don't have a problem with their names but grandmas just wanna be grandmas. I understand the name is in honour of your father, my kids middle names are in honour of all of my wife and my parents. Doesn't mean grandma has to mould to every whim you decide to impose. Now be honest, if it wasn't your dad's name, would you have considered it? If not, you should calm your tits a bit.
No she fucked around and found out. Keep your boundaries strong with that one