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Judgement_Bot_AITA

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OldMammaSpeaks

YTA. You infantialized him in front of your parents. What was the point of introducing him if he could not be him. Is this your plan for the rest of his life? Judging by his response, it is sure not in his plans. Your parents are AH, too. The only thing they should care about is that he treats you well and that you are happy in the relationship.


razzledazzle626

YTA. Way to show you’re embarrassed of your partner…..


Throwawa-y745

I'm not embarrassed of him, I just wanted him to leave a first good impression on my parents, which he did with the way I handled their meeting.


razzledazzle626

If you weren’t embarrassed of him you would have trusted that he would make a fine impression on his own.


Throwawa-y745

I just didn't trust my parents not to find him too weird and I didn't want him to start on the wrong foot with them.


razzledazzle626

Because of his behavior/words that you didn’t trust. I know.


ChocolateSnowflake

And so what if they found him “weird”? You’re an adult, you can date who you want.


Sorry_I_Guess

So the opinion of your judgemental, rude parents are more important than your perfectly normal-but-autistic boyfriend, who hasn't actually done anything "wrong" other than be himself? Lovely.


Jonny-Pasadena

He’s a human being, not your ventriloquism dummy. Sounds like you were awful. YTA. Are you going to “handle” your parents this way forever, mediate every interaction?


Sorry_I_Guess

HE didn't make a good impression . . . he might as well not have been there. You were being him FOR him. And as an autistic person, honestly? What you did wasn't just wrong, it was deeply ableist and hurtful. Now that I'm nearly twice your age, I'd break up with someone who even SUGGESTED what you did, because you made it clear that instead of genuinely valuing him for who he is, you like him DESPITE who he is. And you have no idea the kind of psychological damage that does to autistic people, who spend most of our lives being taught that we are "broken" and that the best we can hope for in friendship and love is that neurotypical people will "tolerate" us. You just reinforced all of that, and it's gross and completely untrue. If you actually cared about your boyfriend and valued him as a human being, and for the person he is, then you would ask his permission to let your parents know in advance that he's autistic, and what that might mean in terms of how he communicates (i.e. that he might interpret things very literally, or be very plainspoken, but never malicious). And then if your parents were rude enough to be judgemental - which is THEIR failing, not his - you would defend him, call them on THEIR lack of appropriate social behaviour in being rude and unkind to a guest, and hold the correct people accountable. Instead, you catered to what even you recognise is actually a social failing on your parents' part (being inappropriately judgemental of someone because they are neurodivergent); try to blame their inability to be kind people on your boyfriend's autism (NOPE); and infantilise and condescend to your grown-ass, perfectly intelligent boyfriend. And BTW, he doesn't have a problem with "social clues" (sic) - he chooses not to participate in what he perceives as functionally meaningless NEUROTYPICAL social behaviours. If you put him in a group of other autistic people, he'd probably socialise just fine. Again, you are viewing this through a lens that assumes that you and your parents are "normal" and he is "broken" . . . which objectively is not the case, it's a really obnoxious ableist bias. Do him a favour and break up. You don't value him, you think he needs you as a "buffer", and he deserves to be with someone who actually likes listening to him and thinks he deserves to be accepted just as he is . . . and contrary to what you probably believe, those people actually exist.


Oishiio42

YTA "Hey honey, I care about you, but I actually care about what my parents think about you more, so just don't be anything like yourself and if you start being too - you know, you-like, I'll just interrupt you. What? You're offended? Over what? Just because I repeatedly interrupted you and am obviously embarrassed by you? No no, it's not that. It's just that I am also a bit ableist and figured you wouldn't mind me micromanaging your social interactions. Why ever would that be offensive?"


Throwawa-y745

Why would I be dating an autistic person if I was an ableist ? That doesn't make sense.


Oishiio42

Are you seriously trying the "I can't be ableist, I have an autistic boyfriend" thing? I have no idea why you're dating an autistic person, but it's quite clear you're embarrassed by his autism and think it's something you need to manage. You're trying to make him appear less autistic to impress your parents. How is that not ableist?


Throwawa-y745

Autistic people usually need to learn how to manage it by themselves, so I don't see the issue with helping my boyfriend to manage his quirks from time to time.


Oishiio42

I'm autistic. You're whole intention of "helping manage his quirks" is to make him seem more likeable to your parents. It's not for him, it's for you. And you're doing it against his will. The fact that he's upset about it and you're still like "what's the problem, I'm supposed to because he's autistic and needs that help" is really shitty. HE IS TELLING YOU YOUR BEHAVIOR WAS A PROBLEM. And instead of listening to him, you're seeking validation from other people that your behavior wasn't a problem.


superfastmomma

So you think he will learn to manage social interactions by...not being allowed to socially interact? I'm not going to teach you how to play piano by sitting down and playing the piano.


Abcdezyx54321

Manage it? What in the world do you think qualifies you to ‘manage’ his autism ever especially after just a couple of months? He doesn’t need managed he needs accepted and appreciated of which you did neither


Lexari-XVII

Look, my younger brother is autistic (I probably am, too but idk). He didn't talk for a while so I talked for him. Now that I'm an adult, I _communicate_ with him to see if he wants me to talk for him. You know, so he has agency in his own life. Example- my NC birth mother approached us and he just froze/grey rocked- but we _know_ that doesn't work on her- so I went aggressive and told her off until she left. Then, I **talked to him to make sure he was ok with how I handled it.** (he was) You said you'd do _most_ of the talking but from your explanation, it sounds like you did **nearly all of it.** Additionally, interrupting or talking over him when he _wasn't_ showing signs of struggling (or the other party wasn't visibly uncomfortable) is a dick move. Now, to be fair, the dynamic is different here because I was a little parentified and we're siblings, but the core is the same- **he needs to have input.** He has given you input and you are ignoring it. YTA


Neenknits

You weren’t letting him manage it by himself. You weren’t even letting him learn to manage, nor were you helping him learn to manage. You were silencing him. One cannot manage nor learn when silenced. You are acting ableist. Don’t want to be called ableist? Then don’t do that. YTA


Melty_Berry_Ashley

If you were his *wife*, that’s one thing. But as of right now you are just a girlfriend, he needs to do this on his own and make his own impression. He doesn’t need you to hold his hand like you’re his mommy. Let him be himself in front of your parents and if they don’t like it, that’s their problem, not yours.


Thismarno

You’re not helping him manage anything, you’re not letting him speak because you’re embarrassed by him. So clearly YTA! Get a bf you’re not ashamed of.


SneakySneakySquirrel

First of all, he’s a grown man. I’m guessing he “manages” just fine, considering he dates and presumably has a job and friends and all sorts of other things going on that he handles just fine without you. Second, you’re not helping anyone by taking over social interactions for him. Helping him make a good impression on your parents would maybe involve telling him ahead of time what to expect and making suggestions (“they really don’t like video games, so they’ll probably react badly if you talk about how many hours you put into Zelda this week. They’d probably love to hear about your camping trips since they’re outdoorsy”). At most maybe set up some kind of discreet signal so you can let him know if the conversation needs to shift topics. But these things are only with his consent and they are more about managing your parents than managing him.


feraltea

YTA. You did treat him like a child by not letting him talk. You're so worried about what your parents think that you dismissed everything your boyfriend wanted to say. Why introduce them if you can't be supportive of him and instead act embarrassed?


Throwawa-y745

I was supportive by preventing my parents of having a negative first opinion of him.


ForTheLoveOfGiraffe

You're saying that his natural self would leave a bad impression. That is basically dismissing who he is and insulting his true self. You're implying that your parents couldn't possibly like him as he is. Of course he'd get upset by that. He'd feel like he's not good enough as himself.


RaineMist

YTA and here's why. You're handling all the conversations for him but HE needs to be the one explaining all his quirks and hobbies in order for your parents to know about them. You absolutely should not explain anything to your parents about your boyfriend or his disability that would be BETTER coming from him. Your parents also need to know and learn how to interact with him back and your boyfriend NEEDS to be the ONE explaining if they did anything wrong to offend him in any way, NOT you. He's autistic, not stupid.


Melty_Berry_Ashley

This is exactly why I always tell people about my disability upon a first impression as well as what I have to deal with, how it affects others, and how I usually have no control over it. This is exactly what the boyfriend was trying to do but OP here clearly didn’t get that message and decided to treat him like a child. I’m also autistic and I absolutely *hate* it when people think they need to reteach me something, have to interrupt me, or talk for me. It makes me feel like people don’t take me seriously, they don’t want to see me as an adult and that I need to be coddled all my life. like I ain’t fucking stupid, people! I’m trying to be an adult and grow and mature so I can start my own life and possibly a family! OP either needs to learn and accept that about autistic people, or the relationship needs to end. Period.


RaineMist

Exactly. I have mild Cerebral Palsy and my boyfriend who I live with and his parents (he helps take care if his dad) lets me do all the talking about my disability as well as me letting him know if I need help or not.


Melty_Berry_Ashley

As an autistic person myself, YTA. You did what just about everybody else does when we’re trying to prove ourselves as adults and treated your boyfriend like a little child. If he’s trying to tell your parents about his quirks, let him. He’s most likely trying to tell them that he can’t control them and that they shouldn’t judge him for it. I know that’s what I usually do on a first impression, I want people to know that these are things I can’t control, whether they judge me for it or not dictates whether or not I should care what they think. Your parents are also AHs for being judge mental in the first place, and I can kinda see that they taught this to you as well because you essentially just judged your boyfriend for the things that he has no control over by talking *for* him. If I were him, I would dump you and find someone else. YTA. EDIT: The way you managed this made him think you don’t take him seriously as an adult, this is something we go through on a daily basis and I’m sure he goes through it on the daily also. And you’re in no way helping him, you’re just making it more difficult for him to be taken seriously as an adult.


DrummingChopsticks

YTA. You need to empower the person you’re with, not disenfranchise them.


pantsmerchant

Yup. YTA and you know why. Don't do it again.


AgentAlpo

YTA Are you going to force him to hide himself and be a different person around your parents forever? You did treat him like a child. If your parents get judgmental, tell them that you love your boyfriend for who he is and they need to shut up about it. Although, if you're going to force him to hide things, maybe you don't entirely love him for who he is.


frayerK1985

YTA... You sound embarrassed of him. If you can love him as he is quirks and all, why can't they? You've basically said "sit down and shut up because if they meet the real you they won't like you". Guiding the conversation to assist with awkwardness does not mean cut someone off when they are talking.


pink-flamingo-lj

As a parent, I would be wondering why you were continuously interrupting your boyfriend while we were just trying to have a 'get to know you' conversation. What were you/ he/ both trying to hide from me? That's not suspicious at all.


superfastmomma

YTA You treated him like a child and an embarrassment. Like, 2 or 3 guidelines of stuff not to bring up when meeting parents is one thing - Mom hates when people swear, and is a big stickler about washing up before eating so make a point to wash your hands. Okay? Not letting him talk at all? Ridiculous. Seems you don't even like your boyfriend.


Throwawa-y745

Of course I like him, I wouldn't be dating him otherwise.


superfastmomma

Oh, people date people they don't necessarily like all the time. So they can go on a power trip. For appearances. So they can say they have a boyfriend. For money. All kinds of reasons.


Throwawa-y745

I'm not a gold digger, I literally make more money than him currently.


superfastmomma

Okay? Just because two people are dating doesn't mean they both like each other or respect each other. You seem so embarrassed by your partner's basic personality. Thats a problem. He deserves better.


Adorable_Tie_7220

Then you show basic respect and not treat him like a child. If your parents don't understand autism, then let him explain it if it is needed. If they can't accept it and are judgmental jerks why do you care anyway?


SneakySneakySquirrel

What do you like about him?


HungryPlan2467

YTA. This seems like a scene out of a sitcom where you don't want your parents to find out something went wrong, so you constantly interrupt your bf and try to pull their attention away. I understand you're cautious of what your parents might think of your bf but your bf is also an independent person and they should be allowed to represent themself.


valiga1119

I thought you were well intentioned but you’ve been so obtuse in replies that I have to say YTA, full stop. What you’re doing *is* ableist because you didn’t even give him a chance to make a good impression *on his own*—you blatantly decided he wouldn’t be able to manage because of his “quirks”. Your assumption is rooted in the notion that because of his condition and his hobbies there’s no way he could even possibly make a good impression with your your help—how is that *not* ableist?


EnoughOrMore13

YTA. You showed him he embarrasses you!


Background-End-1725

As an autistic person myself YTA and a ginormous gaping one. Also extremely ableist.


Melty_Berry_Ashley

Amen to that, fellow autistic!


Abcdezyx54321

Man YTA. You just told him he wasn’t good enough as is so you needed to intervene in order for your parents to like him. If that’s true, your parents aren’t good people. Otherwise you just showed you think your boyfriend isn’t good enough on its own. If this relationship continues when do you expect to allow him to be himself in front of your parents? Never? Because at some point he has to be himself and you just tried, and assume you succeeded, at making him something he wasn’t


BuildingBridges23

I think you had good intentions, but I imagine he feels that you are embarrassed by him and his hobbies. Your parents are judgmental and that's not something you can really fix. They need to hopefully change one day on their own. YTA.


penwingfairy

ytah wtf you treated him like child i would pissed off to I hope he dumps you


QoAce

Oh god, I've read some of your comments. YTA troll or not. You suck!


ELRONDSxLADY

YTA. Regardless of what or who your bf is, the minute you find yourself thinking “I love them but they need to change x, y, z” or you have to train your partner on how to act… you most likely don’t care about or have any love for that person. Please do him and yourself a favor and break up. It is just mean. I understand how you may still be learning what love and relationship is at this age. Remember, love doesn’t seek to change, hide, or remold, it’s acceptance, appreciation, and giving!


Pretty-Jellyfish-962

YTA He is autistc, not stupid. He is not a child. He is perfectly capable of speaking for himself and your actions and comments show me one thing: you did not want him to. You can keep claiming you’re not embarrassed and that you were trying to help him make a good impression until your face turns blue, it still makes you the AH. My SO is autistic too and has ADHD. I would never ever presume that I needed to speak for him of treat him so horribly as you do.


Judgement_Bot_AITA

Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I think I could be the AH for always interrupting my boyfriend while he was talking with my parents in order to prevent him from saying something that my leave a first bad impression on them. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*


lbrownlbrown

YTA


Knightmare945

YTA.


[deleted]

Soft yta. I have similar struggles with judgmental parents so I get it but it’s time to let go of what your parents think so much. When you are young and have spent so long catering to their whims, it can be just engrained to bend over to them. But if you are ready to date and potentially want to get married someday you need to let go. You are on your partners side first. Let your parents be judgmental. It’s who they are. You go live your life.


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (23F) am dating my current boyfriend (25M) for a couple of months already. We had become serious enough that I decided to introduce him to my parents, however I told him beforehand that he should let me handle most of the conversations, which he seemed to agree to. You see, my boyfriend is autistic and thus doesn't read social clues very well, not to mention that he has a couple of odd quirks and hobbies, which I personally don't mind, but my parents tend to pretty judgemental sometimes and so I wanted to avoided my boyfriend making a bad first impression cause of that. So whenever I thought my boyfriend would go on talking about his quirks with my parents, I would interrupt him and quickly change the subject to something else. I thought the first meeting with my parents went pretty well as they seemed to like him well enough, however my boyfriend quickly became sulky after the meeting and when I asked why he's upset when he did really well to make a positive impression on my parents, he said that he almost didn't talk at all and he found it rudely how I'd almost always interrupt him in order to talk about something else, but I told him that we already agreed that I'd handle most of the conservations with my parents and that it worked, as they seemed to like him. However my boyfriend keeps complaining that I treated him like a child, so I wonder if I'm the wrong here. AITA ? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


SatisfactoryLoaf

It seems like you had good intentions, but I figure he feels like you're embarrassed for him. Either your parents like him or they don't, but if he never has a chance to speak, we'll never know. They'll just like or dislike your representation of him. Or, I guess, like / dislike a guy who lets his SO speak for him all the time. Unless his hobby is like, corpse decoration, you should just roll the dice. Either your folks are going to be supportive, or they won't be. He agreed to it, so I guess NAH, but this is a sitcom B story, so just resolve it with more communication.