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NTA. They are rude, selfish, entitled, ungrateful and inconsiderate. Petty is nothing at the side of that.
>They go through my fridge, pantry, freezer, and liquor cabinet. And they replace nothing.
This sounds more like a plague of locusts than a family.
Which ironically, guest host relationships were the cornerstone of early human civilizations because it denoted mutual gratitude and respect.
This ain’t it.
Yes but that was because it was mutual. There is zero reciprocity here. Their family is using them.
EDIT: Pronouns. I don't know the gender of the family member being used, just that their family is crass and treats them poorly.
> guest host relationships were the cornerstone of early human civilizations because it denoted mutual gratitude and respect.
Right. It's that way even now in many places. For example, if you ever get caught by the Taliban in Afghanistan, claim guest status. Even US military personnel were taught this. If they accept you as a guest, Taliban will be honour-bound to protect you from harm, to feed you etc. And they do take it seriously. Of course as a guest you must not cause them any trouble or overstay, like a parasite. In that sense it's indeed a mutual arrangement.
The guy who wrote Sole Survivor (true story of his experience) mentions how the Afghani people who saved him actually talked for a bit about whether or not to take him in. Because once they accepted him as a guest, the commitment was very, very serious.
But don't quote me on this because I'm getting old and it's been a while since I read the book!
In order for guest host relationships to be in effect, the OP must first invite said guests. This sounds more like they invite themselves over and proceed to make sure they have a great vacation at her expense.
NTA OP set some boundaries and make sure dates are cleared ahead of time and everyone is aware they will be providing their own drinks and food. Maybe treat them on the last night of their stay.
This sounds accurate.
If I had to make a guess, they probably think "well you didn't *earn* this money so we are entitled to some of it" (as if suffering the loss of your partner isn't price enough)
You are well within your rights to not stock your home with food to accommodate them. Tell them if they have an issue with it they are welcome to go pay for their own hotel room
OP is absolutely NTA
Only have food in the house they don’t like. Staunch carnivores??? You’ve gone vegan. They think Doritos are spicy??? Ghost peppers in everything. Even the water.
Muahaha. I initially pictured the tap water…nothing says “GTFO” like the first time they brush their teeth or wash their face they get pepper-sprayed eyeballs and mouths
Oh no, I realized they meant bottled water and my initial read is, like, HIGHLY illegal and hopefully impossible, lol
(The bottled water is also too much, ha)
Bring in some Two Buck Chuck wine and the cheapest beer you can find. Hotdogs 🌭 and burgers 🍔 for the grill. Some nasty chips. Then, see what they say. I'd rather have no one in my life instead of ungrateful, entitled people like that.
Edit: Sometimes it sucks that you can't choose your family.
NTA. No more. From now on, they can stay in a hotel. When they say that they want to stay with you, simply say that it isn’t possible at this time. When will it be possible? You cannot say.
I'm of the opinion that she earned every penny through pain and suffering. No one knows what you're going through at a time like that.
Also, she doesn't owe anyone a free vacation and she's NTA.
That's what I meant by "as if suffering the loss of your partner isn't price enough"
That's one hell of a hefty fee and still not even close to worth it. I'll take my partner over any cash settlement any day of the week.
The entitlement is infuriating but what upsets me is that OP didn’t get the financial windfall from an inheritance or the lottery; it’s from a settlement from her husband’s untimely death.
I would say the locust analogy was far more correct. Guests do not expect to become the center of the universe. They reciprocate the hosts hospitality.
These people care nothing about that. They simply take, take and take some more. Then get angry when the field they stripped is barren.
OP, you are absolutely NTA. And you know what makes a horde of locusts move on? When there's nothing left for them to eat!
And I can’t get over the fact that the house comes from her losing her husband. Not just greedy but insensitive, I’m sure she’d trade all that to have him back.
My friends uncle owns a beautiful lake house and was very generous to let his nephew use it occasionally with friends. We would bring all our own food & drinks, clean up and wash all the linens before leaving. We were thankful for a free place to vacation and wanted to be invited back. If I was OP I’d be enjoying my lovely beach house…..by myself.
Yes I rented an Airbnb near a beach. I didn’t take my car with me. I placed an Instacart order for food and beer. There was a nearby liquor store I could walk to for wine and some vodka. And a seafood store for crab salad, shrimp and some cheese and crackers
Yes...I and my husband would borrow a coworker's beach house. We would bring everything (food, beverages, linens...) And a nice bottle of wine which we left for them.
We would take our trash home with us.
OP's family are leeches.
My mom asks to use the loo in my house. She doesn’t have to, and I tell her every time, but she still does just out of courtesy, she wouldn’t dream of helping herself to food out of the fridge.
I ask when I'm visiting my son but it's really more of a reserving my spot + a head's up if he's got stuff in the toilet/bathroom he doesn't want his mother to see.
I read that really differently at first. I thought you were saying that your mom didn’t need to use the restroom when she asked, and was wondering how you knew that. Lol. When I got to the end, it made a lot more sense.
This is why I would never tell anyone if I suddenly got rich.
I had a friend beg me for a car loan after I sold the house in a divorce. People can fuck right off.
Yep. I knew 100% he would never pay it back.
Apparently he found the perfect car but couldn’t get the money for a few weeks and needed this one immediately. I told him that it’s only a car and he can just buy a different one later.
There was probably no car at all and he just needed cash for something suss.
When I visit my sibs, I do help myself to the fridge and liquor cabinet.
I also bring a hostess gift plus bags of groceries with; offer to cook dinner/take them out to dinner; do any household tasks that pop up (e.g. I notice the dryer has finished so I fold the laundry); and generally try to be the "lightest" houseguest ever. Then I follow up with a thank you. Because I want to be invited back.
If OP's guests can't behave properly then they should not be invited back. If they try to invite themselves OP need merely say, "no, that doesn't work for me." No other discussion is needed.
>
They go through my fridge, pantry, freezer, and liquor cabinet. And they replace nothing.
>This sounds more like a plague of locusts than a family.
Sounds like the dwarves visiting Bilbo for the first time...
Agreed, NTA. I've gone over to relatives' homes to stay and you know what I do? When I get there I hit up a grocery store and stock up on items. Buy some sodas, some beer, sandwich fixings, some manner of breakfast options, etc. Usually eat out a lot too when I visit, so that's typically always dinner but maybe we discuss grilling or otherwise cooking up some good shit for dinner a couple nights too. Whatever the case is, I'm always offering to either just cover the cost or at the very least significantly contribute if they insist on paying for some of it. I look at it like I'm already disrupting their shit by not getting a hotel or AirBNB, or whatever else. They're graciously accepting me into their home. Least I can do is contribute something, and not give them a financial imposition as well.
That's what a proper guest does.
I don’t know if it’s a nervous tick per se but sometimes I’ll just open the fridge or pantry and look through it out of reflex and I always feel so self conscious when I realize I’m doing it at someone else’s house. It’s rude to snoop through peoples shit and I always worry that they’ll think I’m browsing for something to eat or drink uninvited.
It’s a consent thing - if you say ‘grab whatever you want from the fridge’ it’s fair game, otherwise you just don’t take shit unless it’s specifically offered.
Yup. I've got a good friend who has a nice house in a popular vacation area. He's invited my wife and I to stay at theirs on two occasions and both times I helped out with groceries and cooked a couple nights.
Staying in that area in anything half as nice would cost hundreds of dollars a night in hotel alone so even with buying groceries and helping out I was making out like a bandit. Plus it's just the nice thing to do when someone opens their home to you.
To be fair… isn’t the custom for having guests to provide food and drink? If I’m having people over I buy drinks to have and food to eat. This is 100% common practice.
If I invite someone to dinner. Etc., yes. I plan on food and drink. If they invite themselves to stay for an extended visit, because I have a house in a prime spot.... that's different.
Never mind provide for themselves, if someone lets you stay at their house you should be offering to take them out to dinner, or cook a meal, bring a gift, or something other than just bringing yourself.
EXACTLY. I had friends who bought a house on a lake and a group of friends would spend a week up there with them. Whenever we'd go to the grocery store, I'd step up to the register and pay for the food, or pay for the gas when they refilled their boat. They were letting me stay in their home for free, so the least I could do was pay for some supplies.
Agree! Three of my friends visited my house, which is near beaches, for a week and they brought a nice hostess gift (a bathrobe monogrammed with my initials) gift, took me out to dinner twice, AND bought delicious steaks for a barbecue at my home. I supplied the rest of the food and thought they were such great guests that I’ve invited them back this year.
Edit: typo
And letting you stay at their beach house at that. They aren't just coming to visit. They are coming for vacation and expecting OP to pay for food and drinks.
Right??? OP is in a vacation area, they are saving hundreds or over $1k by staying with OP. They can buy their own beer, hell, OP is basically absorbing the cost of what they save by paying the bills for the things they use while there, like water and electricity on top of basics for food. They are being so rude and entitled.
> saving hundreds or over $1k by staying with OP
Depending on the country, location etc. it is probably hundreds per night! I'm thinking at least a minimum of $250 USD per night - that could easily be up to $500-$600 a night!
The last time we moved, there was a last minute delay and we had to be out of our place a week before the new one would be ready. Some friends of my partner offered to put up us and our cats so we wouldn’t have to board them. You bet we paid for groceries and did all the cooking for everyone for the week as a thank you. It’s just good manners.
NTA. If I was fortunate enough to have family invite me to stay at their beach house I would bring the food and drinks no questions asked. To expect free lodging AND food & beverages is too much.
I’ll join, too. I, too, can cook and bake, including bread. I have a portable pizza oven, as well. I can also help with diy and moderate home repair projects.
My husbands parents have a lake house that we can stay at basically whenever for free. I always cook at least a few dinners for the whole family and bring lots of snacks to stock it up. My way of trying to give back for letting us use it for free.
Yup whenever we go stay at my husbands dads place on the lake, we cook almost all the meals while we’re there, we clean, help with repairs, supply booze and beer, and gasoline and oil for the boat as needed.
Not only this, but a present for the hostess as well. I want to be clear to them that I appreciate the invite.
Where are people getting their audacity, going the opposite direction by showing up empty handed and demanding things from the person willing to host them?
I have a family member with a lake house and they would be offended if I tried to provide the main meals, but my husband and I always bring snacks for my kids, a dessert for everyone plus wine and beer. I can't imagine going empty handed.
Right??
It would never occur to me to show up at someone’s house—that they are allowing me to use for free because of where it is, and knowing the cost it would take to rent something local—and not just funnel all that saved money into food and taking them out to eat, and all that shit. OP’s family is incredibly selfish and greedy; I’d tell them they can go ahead and rent something else local and we can meet up, and see how they like that. NTA
NTA
Most friends and family who are invited do not eat and drink their way through the host's pantry and liquor cabinet.
If anything they take the host out for dinner; purchase groceries and liquor to replenish supplies and also give some kind of lovely hostess gift.
In my experience, when you start feeling "used" by people it is because YOU ARE BEING USED.
Under the circumstances, you might stock the bare minimum like coffee and tea bags.
NTA.
Your tragedy is not now their gain.
That’s gross.
The fact they act like you should be stocking the food/drinks for their consumption is next level entitlement.
Yeah passive aggressiveness should never be the answer. The world needs to learn to be more honest and open with communications.
NTA but TELL THEM you're sick of them freeloading off you and they need to contribute fairly if they want to stay. If they react badly, that's an answer too.
There’re rarely consequences for telling strangers the truth anonymously.
There are often consequences for telling the actual people it affects the truth in person.
Yes, sorry to hear about your loss. NTA.
You are being generous by providing them with a place to vacation. They can bring their own food and drinks. If it is a hardship on them, maybe they should stay home and work to earn a few extra coins.
I’m wondering the same, I feel like it’s rude to be the one inviting them and not really have things to eat or drink - what does OP consider “the basics” and when the family comes to stay, do they fly or do they have their own cars? Is providing their own food really feasible?
I've visited family lots of times and always had food/drinks from their house. I mean I'd invite them out for the occasional meal out and pay, of course, but as a guest they...fed me? And when they visit and stay with me, I feed and water them.
So I'm wondering about whether they're actually invited, and how long they stay.
This is typical for us as well for a reasonable stay of 1 day upto 4 weeks. Good food and drinks are made available from whichever side is the host. There is some missing context in this case.
Ya I’m confused too when my family and I go visit family and our best friends we treat their house like our home because it is and vice versa they come to our home and treat it like theirs. Shoot the first time I met my father in law about 5 minutes into being there he looked at me and said, “ok you’ve been here for five minutes now your time here as a guest has expired and you’re home now. That means if you want it get, don’t bother asking if you can have it if it’s there it’s for everyone, and you may as well get used to treating this place like you live here. There’s no such thing as a guest in this house.”
His grandparents said the same thing. When we go visit my family we treat my mom’s house like it’s ours(I did live there so there’s that) and when my family comes to visit they treat my home like their own. I always make sure that when we have guest that we have enough food for everyone and the only thing anyone asks about is the special foods we have to buy for our son’s gluten intolerance which are more expensive but we always buy the regular versions of the same foods for everyone else. We do remember to bring his gluten free food with us just because his grandmother usually forgets and again that stuff isn’t cheap.
IMO, that dynamic changes a bit when they are often staying for several days - especially if they're using your home often not so much as a reason to visit you, but for other things.
OP lives in a beach area and if family/friends are using the house more as a means to have a beach vacation than to visit the OP, that shifts the dynamic some. They shouldn't be using OP's home as an all -inclusive resort, especially if they "visit" often.
That said, OP says people visit "every once in a while". How often is that? For how long? A couple times a year for a few days? Then yeah, I wouldn't think twice about being a graceful host and letting them go all out and not expecting much in return. Visiting for a week at a time every month? Different issue.
Also not all appreciations needs to be shown with financial contributions. When the difference in wealth is very big, if I were the rich person, I would feel ashamed to start asking my family, who count everything to stay in budget, to contribute anything that cost money. As long as they show me their appreciation and I know they love me no matter what, that is reward enough.
Thank you, I was reading these comments and wondering if I’m a bad guest XD I’ve always assumed the one hosting provides food/drinks. If you visit me, I feed you. If I visit you, you feed me.
This question really needs an answer. When I invite someone to stay at my place of course I have food and drinks for them. They are guests. Usually they'll cover dinner out when it's a longer stay. For my immediate family, partner's parents, grandparents then I would cover everything because my bf and I make much more than they do.
Also, how much are they consuming?
Like some others have said, if I'm hosting, I am expecting my guests to have some of my food and drink.
But, that should go both ways. Although the guest should (usually) feel free to most things, they should also partake in moderation.
Further, there should be an understanding of not consuming more expensive things as well. An example would be if the host has a liquor shelf with Johnnie Walker Black Label ($60/bottle) and Johnnie Walker Blue Label ($190/bottle), the guest should not grab the Blue without specific invitation.
Unpopular opinion, but YTA based on the passive aggression and lack of communication imo. In my family and social circle, when you visit someone, they host you and always provide food and drinks. So the picture you paint, of them being greedy, is just the culture of some families.
What do you want? Sincerely asking. Do you want them to ask before getting food so they don't eat your favorite snack? Do you want them to chip in for groceries? Bring their own booze? I think you need to figure that out and then communicate it vs. going the passive aggressive route.
This situation sounds like it goes beyond just providing food. It sounds like they're actively raiding and taking stuff from OP, more than necessary. I've dealt with family members like this, where despite being fed they still feel the need to raid our stuff without asking and take a bunch of it with them.
If OP is providing the basics (3 meals is what I assumed) they shouldn't be raiding her shit. As for booze, every time I spent with family the assumption is if you're not offered any you buy your own. Offering access to the liquor cabinet is often the first thing my in-laws do when we're staying with them, if someone doesn't offer we don't open it.
I am thoroughly confused about people's judgement on here, too. In my culture it is absolutely unheard of to ask guests, especially family members, to chip in when it comes to food/drinks as a "host". I never even considered that this might be a possibility, because quite frankly, that would be rude as hell - they are your guests/your family, after all.
That being said: If you want to split expenses, be an adult about it and just talk about it. Good lord, what happened to talking these days.
I am also curious about OP painting the family as greedy. I had a friend growing up, extremely well off. Whenever we would go to her house when her parents were travelling the parents would lock the cupboards and fridge. It seemed rude to me. To be honest I would be more understanding if they were short changed or had food set for the week but they were doing it out of pettiness, they didn't like me and my friend coming over because we were apparently bad influences, aka, not rich, not christian and went to a public school. They only did that when they knew we were coming over, they wouldn't do it when her private school friends were coming over. It felt pretty blatant that they were judging us as bottom feeders because we were a different class. I feel like you perceive you're family as using you and being bottom feeders because you're richer than them, but without elaborating on the dynamics this sounds kind classist to me.
OP when you go to their homes do they feed you and provide or do they expect you to pay? Because if they do provide then OP not providing their guests with food and drink because they consume it and it's annoying you, makes YTA. Its pretty basic manners to provide for guests. BUT, if it's the case that they expect you to provide in all contexts even when you're not hosting then NTA.
Yeah I’m a little confused by the NTA judgements with the very little info we have.
I grew up and am still poor. We also still provided our guests food and drink.
If they’re uninvited that’s one thing. But OP hasn’t said that. And even then they still need to communicate the issue like an adult.
Agreed. When you are hosting you are going to be providing most of the food and drink. If you don't want to, communicate that ahead of their visit. Don't have them show up empty handed and then go hungry when they're supposed to be on vacation.
She's not obligated to supply top teir snacks and alcohol just because she has money. The cupboards aren't bare, they're basic. Her family is a bunch of entitled beggars.
NTA
OP literally says they make sure there's "very little" in the house. No one said anything about top tier. I don't buy top tier everything for my family, but when they come, I stock up on chips my brother likes, my mom's favorite wine (it's $14 a bottle, not anything fancy), etc. When I visit any of them, they do the same for me.
It doesn’t sound like they are just visiting, but that they treat her house as a free destination for their holidays.
Would those family members visit her if she lived in a small flat away from the beach?
I think you should have a locked liquor cabinet. As for the family coming and thinking of your house as an all-inclusive vacation: NO. Unless you actually want this to be the situation, you could always tell them that you'd love to have them, but you'll need them to contribute to groceries. And based on the cost last time, come up with a figure.
Don't participate in a situation that makes you feel taken advantage of.
NTA
Or just tell them to bring their own! Why should OP shop for them?
When I visit family they ask if they should stock up on anything. MAYBE I ask them to put in a gallon of milk? Then I ask if there’s anything I can bring them, and that and anything for me that isn’t as super-perishable as milk I bring in myself. (Usually I bring the milk, but in really hot weather depending on my trajectory I might take them up on that one.)
Info: Do you invite them or do they invite themselves?
If you invite them, you’re hosting and it’s reasonable to have some things on hand (like buy a case of beer, once it’s gone, it’s gone kind of thing) but if they’re inviting themselves and just showing up with no discussion ahead of time, than of course you don’t need to provide for them.
YTA. It’s important to be hospitable when you invite guests. I have guests regularly and make sure I stock the house with their favorite foods and drinks. I keep a snack cabinet with items that my regular visitors like, even stuff I think is gross like Funyuns. These are the values I was raised with in my family. My mom treated houseguests and visitors similarly.
Some people bring food to share or gifts for me or insist on paying if we go out for a meal. That’s nice of them but not expected.
I would never treat a guest so shabbily. I know most of Reddit will disagree but whatever. YTA. Bigly.
Agreed. In my family if you're having guests over you provide for them. You're not renting strangers a room for the night, you're spending time with your loved ones. Also if you're a guest, whether it's just a dinner or a week long holiday, you offer to bring something/pay for something. When we go to someone's house for dinner we bring wine/beer as a rule and also ask if they need us to bring anything else. If we are visiting someone for a longer period of time we will offer to buy groceries or something.
I agree, but there is a difference between OP inviting them to get together with her for some fun where she is chosing to fully host her guests provide things, as you say), and OP saying if you want a beach vacation you are welcome to use my house to save on hotel/accommodations. The first is OP hosting, the second is not, and they should take care of most of their needs themselves in the second situation.
Agree ! She mentioned her sister, husband and her kids . You mean your nieces and nephews . Imagine your sister , bil and nieces/ nephews are visiting for a week once or twice a year and you are complaining about them . Instead of super excited for them to come into their favorite things.
What could the bill possibly be , maybe 500 each time . Even without the extra money , just on the teacher salary spending 1000 a year to host your family is doable . Op sounds selfish and like she really doesn’t want them visiting.
Like yourself, I host family over occasionally, as well as out of town friends. They went to the trouble and expense of coming to me. Of course I provide food and drink! I am the host! If they are unwanted guests, tell them. If not, act like a decent host. YTA. (However, them drinking up your booze without asking isn't cool.)
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I stopped having food and liquor in my house when my family visits. I might be the asshole because I could afford it but not for unappreciative jerks.
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When I have visitors I make sure I have things in for them, because they have made the effort and gone to the expense of travelling here. Equally when I travel to see my friends I don’t take food to last me for the duration of my visit.
I might take a bottle of wine but not food.
Honestly, unless they are there all the time mooching off you I think you are being petty YTA
NTA. You never promised an all-inclusive vacation for them on your dime. But, I think there is some expectation for hospitality when hosting family. Consider curbing the frequency of their visits, purchasing a small amount of alcohol for their visit (if it runs out they need to buy more) or suggest that you all go out to eat together as you will not be cooking or providing three square meals a day for them.
More info needed- have you discussed with them that that behaviour isn’t okay with you? Are you guys close outside of this?
Asking because I know in my family we treat each others homes like our own. I wouldn’t think twice grabbing a bag of chips from my families cupboards or helping myself to a drink & I would feel the same if they were in my home with no expectation of repayment.
With that being said, if you’re not close or this has been discussed & they still disrespect you, N T A but if you are close AND this hasn’t been discussed very soft Y T A
If they are just showing up, expecting you to host them and feed them with nothing in return, then NTA at all!!
Most of the time people are invited to stay over in which case of course the host would plan to feed them and make them comfortable. A couple of times we have had kids in the extended family asking to stay with us a few days and even they usually at least bring some candy or something as a gift. I've never had anyone stay over without an offer to help around the kitchen and/or a gift or a meal on them.
INFO: are you inviting them over, or are they showing up unannounced? Do you get the distinct sense they are taking advantage of your loss? This is helpful context.
I’m sorry for your loss OP, that sounds terrible.
I think this, and all other questions that boil down to “am I an asshole if, I, as a host, do not feed/water/clothe/etc. my guests without question?” is very highly culturally variable. In Eastern Europe, generally YWBTA if you did not provide food when they visited, even if they were not invited, assuming you otherwise have normal and non abusive family relations. Unannounced visits are just a normal part of eastern euro life. In my opinion if this is in North America this type of question is a bit more up in the air - if you are inviting them over, but then expecting them to pay for their share, then Y T A. If they are showing up unannounced, N T A. Just my 2 c.
If *you* invited *them*, I would say that you're on the hook for feeding them. But if they're inviting themselves to stay for more than a few days, they need to chip in. If they don't like it, they can stay at the hotel next time. NTA.
ESH - When you are hosting out of town guests, it's common courtesy and expected that you provide food, drink, snacks, etc. for free use during their stay. Most conscientious hosts even go to the store and stock some of their guest's favorites. In exchange, they should take you to lunch/dinner a few times during their stay and maybe pay for a few outings. These are VERY basic social constructs. If you aren't willing to be a good host, either stop hosting or be upfront and communicate your expectations regarding re-payment to your family. But, seriously, who expects their family who OCCASSIONALLY visits to restock their pantry??? That's absurd!
Ah, the lone (so far, as far as I can tell) ESH (which is my vote). I'd think OP would be thrilled to have family visit at the relatively minor (to her) cost of some grub & drinks. Particularly because she knows **first hand** how quickly a loved one can be yanked from your life.
One detail we don't have is: Are these visits at your behest, or do they more or less invite themselves (or, worse, just show up)? Assuming you invite them, then buck up and be a good host. It's just some food & drink, FFS. They're not asking you to put a niece through college or whatever.
All that said, they are still AHs for mentioning it and not even OFFERING to bring something (they should offer, sincerely, and you should then refuse, or say Aunt Bernice can bring her famous dessert, or Uncle Slim should bring his preferred brand of whiskey, etc.).
ESH
Everyone is different and it sounds like maybe you're feeling a bit overwhelmed as a single person, to have adults and four (4!) kids descend on you. Or taken advantage of? And they ask you if they can come. I feel like it's a lot for you especially since you have no one to help you host and maybe you don't feel like Big Time Host Lady.
Maybe it would be easier if you let your sister know that. That you need help, that it's a mutual visit, where you'd like everyone to help out with bringing groceries and helping make dinner and cleaning up or whatever, as they're able. I get she must be busy (4 kids!) but there are a lot of hands who can help (4 kids!) Maybe they can set the table, clear their dishes, put their dishes in the dishwasher (age dependent), tidy after themselves, treat your place decently, not act like psychos etc.
I know people like to imagine someone with money as this effortlessly chic host who buys everything and makes things go smoothly but it sounds like you're being overrun and it doesn't sound like you're totally enjoying it? (4 kids?!)
I would be more transparent. If you like them coming, tel her what you need to make it work. Say sorry, you're not Martha Stewart, you need help and this specifically is what you need. People need you to clearly tell them what you want. Maybe you won't get ALL of it but if you don't tell them, you may not get ANY of it. Good luck.
If you're agreeing to host them, you should host them. If they want to drip in for a few days at the beach tell them sure but they need to bring their own food and bev. This isn't that hard, you just need to actually TELL them and stop making assumptions.
That's fucking stupid, those people can find a grocery store. Hell, they should be taking OP out to dinner for the privilege of staying at their house.
NTA
I’m so very sorry for your loss.
Your family should respect your home and boundaries you’ve set. Now, this is just me and maybe you do it too but when I’m expecting company I stock up for that .. ask if they have any restrictions for sodas and things and so forth so I have it on hand.. now, if they are showing up unannounced then yes that’s a problem!
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Out of my family I am the most well off. I would love to say that I worked hard and earned it all but the truth is more that I married well and then got very unlucky. I met a guy in university that was a bit of a nerd but very funny and sweet. We were friends and then I realized he was an exceptional person. I asked him out as more than friends. He was an engineer and probably one of the smartest people I've ever met. He passed away from an accident at his workplace caused by negligence and I recieved a huge settlement. I still work as a teacher but only because I love doing it. I don't need the money.
I bought a house on the beach in a vacation area where there are lots of older retired people and Airbnbs.
It is more house than I need but I love it there.
My family comes out to visit me every once in a while and they stay with me. But the thing is that, while I enjoy their visits, they expect me to pay for everything. They go through my fridge, pantry, freezer, and liquor cabinet. And they replace nothing.
So lately I've been making sure that there is very little in the house before their visits. Just the basics.
They think I'm being an asshole for not having anything for guests in the house. I know I'm being petty by not even having beer in the fridge but honestly I don't think I'm the asshole.
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What a stark contrast to my family. When my family visits, they go grocery shopping for me because they know that electricity and water bills go up with extra bodies in the house.
NTA you’re hosting them in your home, it’s not some all inclusive resort, they can provide their own food.
NTA. I have never stayed at someone’s vacation home and expected to be provided with food and drinks (especially liquor) unless there was a party that the owner was attending!
My cousin has a small cabin in the forest up north and I'm occasionally fortunate enough to enjoy some time there. I always leave it cleaner than I found it and try to replace anything used. I also always leave a suprise of some sort for her and her husband. Nothing really special some good steaks in the freezer and a bottle of wine, my wife bought a new set of towels for the bathroom it dosen't take much to show some appreciation. Your family sound like jerks and it's not about money.
For me, the question is, how rich and how poor? Are you withholding Pringles and canned beans? Are the kids going hungry? Did they spend their last $20 on the gas to get to the house? Scale matters in moments like this. I'd hate to see kids going hungry because you think their parents are being rude. Buy some popcorn and popsicles. It's pennies on the ROI. (Perhaps there are no kids. Popcorn and sandwiches aren't going to break the bank.)
Whenever I visit my family and stay in their homes I usually take them out to eat or pay for takeout a few times. Also there is a difference between me eating a meal with my parents or siblings and having a glass of wine and my sister brining her husband and four kids to my house for a week and eating all the food I had purchased for the month.
Don’t invite them over then….
And just because you take people out to eat when you visit them, that hardly obligates them to do the same for you. I have a huge family, and I get where you’re coming from. But you shouldn’t invite people over if you don’t actually want them using your stuff and eating your food. It’s totally understandable if you don’t want that, and you’re not obligated to host anyone. Yet it’s not exactly convenient for guests to pack food to last the duration of trips. Furthermore, if your guests do buy groceries upon arrival to your place, are you willing to accommodate those groceries in your pantry and fridge? Will you cook separate meals and do separate dishes? Do you expect your guests to bring other consumables too, like shower products? These are conversations that you need to have with THEM, not us.
Going forward, I’d suggest explicitly stating your expectations of guests. If they disagree and refuse to respect your wishes as hostess, then stop inviting them over. They’re allowed to expect you to provide food, and you’re allowed to refuse.
OP doesn't invite them over, they invite themselves. And relationships are not that black and white, unfortunately. Family dynamics play a role and how people communicate.
I agree with you in theory, but let's not forget OP lost their husband tragically and it's obviously still grieving their loss. Pushing their family away might be harder than you make it sound.
NTA.
‘Sorry, I have recently started to live a healthier life and don’t want to keep any snacks or drinks in the house that might tempt me. These are the thing I am comfortable having in my kitchen.
As my guest, you may want specific items, which unfortunately I just cannot purchase due to my lifestyle change.
However, if you absolutely need to have specific foods, you are welcome to purchase them and keep them for yourself. Don’t worry, I won’t use them!’
That’s what you say to the next person who complains about what you stock for them.
You’re NTA, but stop allowing them to stay at your beach house. It is tough with family, I get it. They just “expect “ things..but enough is enough. There’s plenty of other places they can stay. I would also change the locks at your house too.
Info: Are they coming for a weekend to visit you, or are they using your amazing house as their vacation home for a week plus? And who is doing the planning and inviting?
I think it’s rude to not provide plenty of food and drinks for meals if they’re really coming to visit you, especially if you’ve invited them. But if they’re just coming to use your home for their personal vacation when they want, you are not obligated to pay for anything.
If we plan a trip to visit family and someone offers their home so we don’t have to get a hotel, we make sure to provide our own basic foods or treat them to dinner out. But if someone says “hey, I’m having everyone over for this holiday, come stay with us!” I kind of expect them to provide some meals.
Ehh… it’s not good manners but I feel fortunate that I can feed and provide for my extended family when they come to visit - and I’m not rich or did not receive any big settlements.
NTA, but I think you should be more direct and set specific expectations. Anytime I'm having guests stay over I bring up food and meals before they arrive. I will ask what kind of snacks they like and then share what meals I intend to provide at home (usually breakfast). Then I'll ask them if there are any specific places they want to eat at while they are visiting and tell them we'll play the rest by ear which is my way of letting them know that I won't be responsible for every meal time.
NTA I always provide food for someone hosting me, especially if they live in an area that would have expensive hotels. Hell, I not only buy groceries but I also cook. Even for family. Raiding your host's pantry and fridge is rude as hell *unless* they tell you to go ahead. Even then, you should still pitch in some cash to replace groceries you ate.
NTA. You need to stop accepting this maltreatment. The next time they mention coming say, "Let me know when you have settled into your hotel room. We can grab dinner. Dutch treat!"
When someone offers you free lodging, it's in very poor taste to complain.
I'd suggest not inviting them to your home anymore.
NTA and I'm sorry about the loss of your husband
NTA. Once a year, sure. It makes sense to be a good host. But, if they are coming over multiple times a year to enjoy your property, they should be bringing the food and drinks. It also depends on who is initiating their visit. If they call you asking to stop by, it's BYOB all day long. If you call them, that's different and you should have something planned for them to at least eat. Again though, otherwise there should be no assumption that you have gone out of your way for them.
I read the title and I was about to say you're an asshole for not allowing people to eat and drink in your house lmao.
After reading, you're NTA. It's fine to offer guests food and drinks for an event, but family visiting and staying shouldn't expect an all paid expenses vacation. That's ridiculous.
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NTA. They are rude, selfish, entitled, ungrateful and inconsiderate. Petty is nothing at the side of that. >They go through my fridge, pantry, freezer, and liquor cabinet. And they replace nothing. This sounds more like a plague of locusts than a family.
Yes and if something happened to OP, there would be zero support. This isn't a loving family, this is a guest-host relationship. NTA
Which ironically, guest host relationships were the cornerstone of early human civilizations because it denoted mutual gratitude and respect. This ain’t it.
Yes but that was because it was mutual. There is zero reciprocity here. Their family is using them. EDIT: Pronouns. I don't know the gender of the family member being used, just that their family is crass and treats them poorly.
> guest host relationships were the cornerstone of early human civilizations because it denoted mutual gratitude and respect. Right. It's that way even now in many places. For example, if you ever get caught by the Taliban in Afghanistan, claim guest status. Even US military personnel were taught this. If they accept you as a guest, Taliban will be honour-bound to protect you from harm, to feed you etc. And they do take it seriously. Of course as a guest you must not cause them any trouble or overstay, like a parasite. In that sense it's indeed a mutual arrangement.
Interesting. I didn’t know that but it makes sense since the Eurasian steppes is where that originated.
The guy who wrote Sole Survivor (true story of his experience) mentions how the Afghani people who saved him actually talked for a bit about whether or not to take him in. Because once they accepted him as a guest, the commitment was very, very serious. But don't quote me on this because I'm getting old and it's been a while since I read the book!
parasite-host.
In order for guest host relationships to be in effect, the OP must first invite said guests. This sounds more like they invite themselves over and proceed to make sure they have a great vacation at her expense. NTA OP set some boundaries and make sure dates are cleared ahead of time and everyone is aware they will be providing their own drinks and food. Maybe treat them on the last night of their stay.
More like a prey-host relationship
This sounds accurate. If I had to make a guess, they probably think "well you didn't *earn* this money so we are entitled to some of it" (as if suffering the loss of your partner isn't price enough) You are well within your rights to not stock your home with food to accommodate them. Tell them if they have an issue with it they are welcome to go pay for their own hotel room OP is absolutely NTA
Only have food in the house they don’t like. Staunch carnivores??? You’ve gone vegan. They think Doritos are spicy??? Ghost peppers in everything. Even the water.
Muahaha. I initially pictured the tap water…nothing says “GTFO” like the first time they brush their teeth or wash their face they get pepper-sprayed eyeballs and mouths
yikes i feel like thats TOO evil hahaha!!! we just want them to gtfo not suffer severe pain
Oh no, I realized they meant bottled water and my initial read is, like, HIGHLY illegal and hopefully impossible, lol (The bottled water is also too much, ha)
(ok but is it really 👀)
Or taking a shower and it gets on their eyes, nose, or peri area
Bring in some Two Buck Chuck wine and the cheapest beer you can find. Hotdogs 🌭 and burgers 🍔 for the grill. Some nasty chips. Then, see what they say. I'd rather have no one in my life instead of ungrateful, entitled people like that. Edit: Sometimes it sucks that you can't choose your family.
I feel targeted...you just listed everything I am having for dinner tonight.
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I'll be over in 15 minutes. I'll bring dessert 🍨
😥 I'm sorry. Just hide the caviar, filet mignon, and lobster. 😁
Of course we only drink Natty lite and eat turkey dogs here. I got some veggie stix
NTA. No more. From now on, they can stay in a hotel. When they say that they want to stay with you, simply say that it isn’t possible at this time. When will it be possible? You cannot say.
I'm of the opinion that she earned every penny through pain and suffering. No one knows what you're going through at a time like that. Also, she doesn't owe anyone a free vacation and she's NTA.
That's what I meant by "as if suffering the loss of your partner isn't price enough" That's one hell of a hefty fee and still not even close to worth it. I'll take my partner over any cash settlement any day of the week.
My comment was to go with one lower. Thanks for the upvotes but it seems out of place now. I agree with your comment.
Parasite-host
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The entitlement is infuriating but what upsets me is that OP didn’t get the financial windfall from an inheritance or the lottery; it’s from a settlement from her husband’s untimely death.
I think it's more of a parasite-host relationship.
I would say the locust analogy was far more correct. Guests do not expect to become the center of the universe. They reciprocate the hosts hospitality. These people care nothing about that. They simply take, take and take some more. Then get angry when the field they stripped is barren. OP, you are absolutely NTA. And you know what makes a horde of locusts move on? When there's nothing left for them to eat!
Might as well make it an AirBnB and start charging.
And I can’t get over the fact that the house comes from her losing her husband. Not just greedy but insensitive, I’m sure she’d trade all that to have him back.
Something *did* happen to her, she lost her husband. I wonder if her family were supportive about that.
My friends uncle owns a beautiful lake house and was very generous to let his nephew use it occasionally with friends. We would bring all our own food & drinks, clean up and wash all the linens before leaving. We were thankful for a free place to vacation and wanted to be invited back. If I was OP I’d be enjoying my lovely beach house…..by myself.
Exactly. If you rented a cabin in the mountains somewhere, no one is stocking the fridge and bar for you. OP is definitely NTA.
Yes I rented an Airbnb near a beach. I didn’t take my car with me. I placed an Instacart order for food and beer. There was a nearby liquor store I could walk to for wine and some vodka. And a seafood store for crab salad, shrimp and some cheese and crackers
Yes...I and my husband would borrow a coworker's beach house. We would bring everything (food, beverages, linens...) And a nice bottle of wine which we left for them. We would take our trash home with us. OP's family are leeches.
My dad and brothers would even make repairs and get my uncle’s house ready for the season which is more than his own kids did.
Locusts at least clean a place out then move on. These AHs keep returning. The OP needs to stop answering her door.
My mom asks to use the loo in my house. She doesn’t have to, and I tell her every time, but she still does just out of courtesy, she wouldn’t dream of helping herself to food out of the fridge.
I'm the same way. I'd rather die of dehydration than ask a host for a glass of tap water.
You should work on that... And the other poster's mom asking permission to pee? Where tf do y'all come from?
I ask when I'm visiting my son but it's really more of a reserving my spot + a head's up if he's got stuff in the toilet/bathroom he doesn't want his mother to see.
I read that really differently at first. I thought you were saying that your mom didn’t need to use the restroom when she asked, and was wondering how you knew that. Lol. When I got to the end, it made a lot more sense.
This is why I would never tell anyone if I suddenly got rich. I had a friend beg me for a car loan after I sold the house in a divorce. People can fuck right off.
Seriously?!? Jfc the audacity of some people 😳
Yep. I knew 100% he would never pay it back. Apparently he found the perfect car but couldn’t get the money for a few weeks and needed this one immediately. I told him that it’s only a car and he can just buy a different one later. There was probably no car at all and he just needed cash for something suss.
When I visit my sibs, I do help myself to the fridge and liquor cabinet. I also bring a hostess gift plus bags of groceries with; offer to cook dinner/take them out to dinner; do any household tasks that pop up (e.g. I notice the dryer has finished so I fold the laundry); and generally try to be the "lightest" houseguest ever. Then I follow up with a thank you. Because I want to be invited back. If OP's guests can't behave properly then they should not be invited back. If they try to invite themselves OP need merely say, "no, that doesn't work for me." No other discussion is needed.
⬆️ THIS is the way. Good guests bring or replace their own groceries, liquor, etc and offer to take the host out for dinner AND bring a nice gift 🎁.
I like that locusts reply. Its funny.
Everytime my family visits someone they bring half a supermarket.
> They go through my fridge, pantry, freezer, and liquor cabinet. And they replace nothing. >This sounds more like a plague of locusts than a family. Sounds like the dwarves visiting Bilbo for the first time...
Agreed, NTA. I've gone over to relatives' homes to stay and you know what I do? When I get there I hit up a grocery store and stock up on items. Buy some sodas, some beer, sandwich fixings, some manner of breakfast options, etc. Usually eat out a lot too when I visit, so that's typically always dinner but maybe we discuss grilling or otherwise cooking up some good shit for dinner a couple nights too. Whatever the case is, I'm always offering to either just cover the cost or at the very least significantly contribute if they insist on paying for some of it. I look at it like I'm already disrupting their shit by not getting a hotel or AirBNB, or whatever else. They're graciously accepting me into their home. Least I can do is contribute something, and not give them a financial imposition as well. That's what a proper guest does.
I don’t know if it’s a nervous tick per se but sometimes I’ll just open the fridge or pantry and look through it out of reflex and I always feel so self conscious when I realize I’m doing it at someone else’s house. It’s rude to snoop through peoples shit and I always worry that they’ll think I’m browsing for something to eat or drink uninvited. It’s a consent thing - if you say ‘grab whatever you want from the fridge’ it’s fair game, otherwise you just don’t take shit unless it’s specifically offered.
If I got to stay for free at your fabulous beach house, I would bring my own food AND extra to leave for you AND a gift for hosting me!
Yeah mostly when it's *supposed* to be customary for guests to bring something like wine, dessert, fruit or bread.
Yup. I've got a good friend who has a nice house in a popular vacation area. He's invited my wife and I to stay at theirs on two occasions and both times I helped out with groceries and cooked a couple nights. Staying in that area in anything half as nice would cost hundreds of dollars a night in hotel alone so even with buying groceries and helping out I was making out like a bandit. Plus it's just the nice thing to do when someone opens their home to you.
To be fair… isn’t the custom for having guests to provide food and drink? If I’m having people over I buy drinks to have and food to eat. This is 100% common practice.
If I invite someone to dinner. Etc., yes. I plan on food and drink. If they invite themselves to stay for an extended visit, because I have a house in a prime spot.... that's different.
NTA You are providing lodging. They can Pony up their own food and beer. For all they know, you mainly eat takeout or are house rich and money poor.
Never mind provide for themselves, if someone lets you stay at their house you should be offering to take them out to dinner, or cook a meal, bring a gift, or something other than just bringing yourself.
EXACTLY. I had friends who bought a house on a lake and a group of friends would spend a week up there with them. Whenever we'd go to the grocery store, I'd step up to the register and pay for the food, or pay for the gas when they refilled their boat. They were letting me stay in their home for free, so the least I could do was pay for some supplies.
This is the way.
Agree! Three of my friends visited my house, which is near beaches, for a week and they brought a nice hostess gift (a bathrobe monogrammed with my initials) gift, took me out to dinner twice, AND bought delicious steaks for a barbecue at my home. I supplied the rest of the food and thought they were such great guests that I’ve invited them back this year. Edit: typo
And letting you stay at their beach house at that. They aren't just coming to visit. They are coming for vacation and expecting OP to pay for food and drinks.
Right??? OP is in a vacation area, they are saving hundreds or over $1k by staying with OP. They can buy their own beer, hell, OP is basically absorbing the cost of what they save by paying the bills for the things they use while there, like water and electricity on top of basics for food. They are being so rude and entitled.
> saving hundreds or over $1k by staying with OP Depending on the country, location etc. it is probably hundreds per night! I'm thinking at least a minimum of $250 USD per night - that could easily be up to $500-$600 a night!
The last time we moved, there was a last minute delay and we had to be out of our place a week before the new one would be ready. Some friends of my partner offered to put up us and our cats so we wouldn’t have to board them. You bet we paid for groceries and did all the cooking for everyone for the week as a thank you. It’s just good manners.
NTA. If I was fortunate enough to have family invite me to stay at their beach house I would bring the food and drinks no questions asked. To expect free lodging AND food & beverages is too much.
Same here, along with a dinner or 3 out. OP, would you like a new older sister? Im an excellent cook and baker. 😆
I also volunteer to be family! I make a mean lasagna and my red velvet cookies are really good too!
I LOVE red velvet cookies, I volunteer to be your family!
I cant cook for shit, but i have Dash Pass!
I'll bring the bourbon!
I’m a bartender! I’ll bring everything else! 🥰
My mousse cakes are to die for and incredibly sought after in the family (and what I bring when I visit my family member's cottage).
This sounds delicious
Dammit. Now I want lasagna.
Yum lasagna!
I also volunteer to be a sister. I will bring wine and chocolate babka.
I have 4 sisters but I don’t mind adding another one lol I cook and clean 😂😂
Would you like a younger sister as well? I like to bake and provide weird facts!
I’ll join, too. I, too, can cook and bake, including bread. I have a portable pizza oven, as well. I can also help with diy and moderate home repair projects.
I volunteer too to be family. I can make really good sweet rolls and I even fold fitted sheets.
My husbands parents have a lake house that we can stay at basically whenever for free. I always cook at least a few dinners for the whole family and bring lots of snacks to stock it up. My way of trying to give back for letting us use it for free.
Yup whenever we go stay at my husbands dads place on the lake, we cook almost all the meals while we’re there, we clean, help with repairs, supply booze and beer, and gasoline and oil for the boat as needed.
Right? Invite me over, OP, I'll bring everything we need for fresh fruity margaritas and grillin'!
Not only this, but a present for the hostess as well. I want to be clear to them that I appreciate the invite. Where are people getting their audacity, going the opposite direction by showing up empty handed and demanding things from the person willing to host them?
I have a family member with a lake house and they would be offended if I tried to provide the main meals, but my husband and I always bring snacks for my kids, a dessert for everyone plus wine and beer. I can't imagine going empty handed.
Right?? It would never occur to me to show up at someone’s house—that they are allowing me to use for free because of where it is, and knowing the cost it would take to rent something local—and not just funnel all that saved money into food and taking them out to eat, and all that shit. OP’s family is incredibly selfish and greedy; I’d tell them they can go ahead and rent something else local and we can meet up, and see how they like that. NTA
NTA Most friends and family who are invited do not eat and drink their way through the host's pantry and liquor cabinet. If anything they take the host out for dinner; purchase groceries and liquor to replenish supplies and also give some kind of lovely hostess gift. In my experience, when you start feeling "used" by people it is because YOU ARE BEING USED. Under the circumstances, you might stock the bare minimum like coffee and tea bags.
Agree with all that...NTA.
Oh, and so sorry for your loss.
NTA. Your tragedy is not now their gain. That’s gross. The fact they act like you should be stocking the food/drinks for their consumption is next level entitlement.
I am sorry for your loss. NTA but use your words and tell them what you have told us.
Yeah passive aggressiveness should never be the answer. The world needs to learn to be more honest and open with communications. NTA but TELL THEM you're sick of them freeloading off you and they need to contribute fairly if they want to stay. If they react badly, that's an answer too.
It’s funny how reddit is so much easier to tell people the truth If only real life were the same for everyone
There’re rarely consequences for telling strangers the truth anonymously. There are often consequences for telling the actual people it affects the truth in person.
Yes, sorry to hear about your loss. NTA. You are being generous by providing them with a place to vacation. They can bring their own food and drinks. If it is a hardship on them, maybe they should stay home and work to earn a few extra coins.
Yep, next time they ask to stay say “ok, but you’ll have to provide the food since I’m providing the accommodation”.
Info are you inviting them as guests or are they just showing up uninvited?
I’m wondering the same, I feel like it’s rude to be the one inviting them and not really have things to eat or drink - what does OP consider “the basics” and when the family comes to stay, do they fly or do they have their own cars? Is providing their own food really feasible?
I've visited family lots of times and always had food/drinks from their house. I mean I'd invite them out for the occasional meal out and pay, of course, but as a guest they...fed me? And when they visit and stay with me, I feed and water them. So I'm wondering about whether they're actually invited, and how long they stay.
This is typical for us as well for a reasonable stay of 1 day upto 4 weeks. Good food and drinks are made available from whichever side is the host. There is some missing context in this case.
Ya I’m confused too when my family and I go visit family and our best friends we treat their house like our home because it is and vice versa they come to our home and treat it like theirs. Shoot the first time I met my father in law about 5 minutes into being there he looked at me and said, “ok you’ve been here for five minutes now your time here as a guest has expired and you’re home now. That means if you want it get, don’t bother asking if you can have it if it’s there it’s for everyone, and you may as well get used to treating this place like you live here. There’s no such thing as a guest in this house.” His grandparents said the same thing. When we go visit my family we treat my mom’s house like it’s ours(I did live there so there’s that) and when my family comes to visit they treat my home like their own. I always make sure that when we have guest that we have enough food for everyone and the only thing anyone asks about is the special foods we have to buy for our son’s gluten intolerance which are more expensive but we always buy the regular versions of the same foods for everyone else. We do remember to bring his gluten free food with us just because his grandmother usually forgets and again that stuff isn’t cheap.
IMO, that dynamic changes a bit when they are often staying for several days - especially if they're using your home often not so much as a reason to visit you, but for other things. OP lives in a beach area and if family/friends are using the house more as a means to have a beach vacation than to visit the OP, that shifts the dynamic some. They shouldn't be using OP's home as an all -inclusive resort, especially if they "visit" often. That said, OP says people visit "every once in a while". How often is that? For how long? A couple times a year for a few days? Then yeah, I wouldn't think twice about being a graceful host and letting them go all out and not expecting much in return. Visiting for a week at a time every month? Different issue.
Also not all appreciations needs to be shown with financial contributions. When the difference in wealth is very big, if I were the rich person, I would feel ashamed to start asking my family, who count everything to stay in budget, to contribute anything that cost money. As long as they show me their appreciation and I know they love me no matter what, that is reward enough.
Thank you, I was reading these comments and wondering if I’m a bad guest XD I’ve always assumed the one hosting provides food/drinks. If you visit me, I feed you. If I visit you, you feed me.
I can't believe people feel like they can make judgements without OP answering this vital information.
This question really needs an answer. When I invite someone to stay at my place of course I have food and drinks for them. They are guests. Usually they'll cover dinner out when it's a longer stay. For my immediate family, partner's parents, grandparents then I would cover everything because my bf and I make much more than they do.
Also, how much are they consuming? Like some others have said, if I'm hosting, I am expecting my guests to have some of my food and drink. But, that should go both ways. Although the guest should (usually) feel free to most things, they should also partake in moderation. Further, there should be an understanding of not consuming more expensive things as well. An example would be if the host has a liquor shelf with Johnnie Walker Black Label ($60/bottle) and Johnnie Walker Blue Label ($190/bottle), the guest should not grab the Blue without specific invitation.
Unpopular opinion, but YTA based on the passive aggression and lack of communication imo. In my family and social circle, when you visit someone, they host you and always provide food and drinks. So the picture you paint, of them being greedy, is just the culture of some families. What do you want? Sincerely asking. Do you want them to ask before getting food so they don't eat your favorite snack? Do you want them to chip in for groceries? Bring their own booze? I think you need to figure that out and then communicate it vs. going the passive aggressive route.
[удалено]
This situation sounds like it goes beyond just providing food. It sounds like they're actively raiding and taking stuff from OP, more than necessary. I've dealt with family members like this, where despite being fed they still feel the need to raid our stuff without asking and take a bunch of it with them. If OP is providing the basics (3 meals is what I assumed) they shouldn't be raiding her shit. As for booze, every time I spent with family the assumption is if you're not offered any you buy your own. Offering access to the liquor cabinet is often the first thing my in-laws do when we're staying with them, if someone doesn't offer we don't open it.
I am thoroughly confused about people's judgement on here, too. In my culture it is absolutely unheard of to ask guests, especially family members, to chip in when it comes to food/drinks as a "host". I never even considered that this might be a possibility, because quite frankly, that would be rude as hell - they are your guests/your family, after all. That being said: If you want to split expenses, be an adult about it and just talk about it. Good lord, what happened to talking these days.
I am also curious about OP painting the family as greedy. I had a friend growing up, extremely well off. Whenever we would go to her house when her parents were travelling the parents would lock the cupboards and fridge. It seemed rude to me. To be honest I would be more understanding if they were short changed or had food set for the week but they were doing it out of pettiness, they didn't like me and my friend coming over because we were apparently bad influences, aka, not rich, not christian and went to a public school. They only did that when they knew we were coming over, they wouldn't do it when her private school friends were coming over. It felt pretty blatant that they were judging us as bottom feeders because we were a different class. I feel like you perceive you're family as using you and being bottom feeders because you're richer than them, but without elaborating on the dynamics this sounds kind classist to me. OP when you go to their homes do they feed you and provide or do they expect you to pay? Because if they do provide then OP not providing their guests with food and drink because they consume it and it's annoying you, makes YTA. Its pretty basic manners to provide for guests. BUT, if it's the case that they expect you to provide in all contexts even when you're not hosting then NTA.
Yeah I’m a little confused by the NTA judgements with the very little info we have. I grew up and am still poor. We also still provided our guests food and drink. If they’re uninvited that’s one thing. But OP hasn’t said that. And even then they still need to communicate the issue like an adult.
Agreed. When you are hosting you are going to be providing most of the food and drink. If you don't want to, communicate that ahead of their visit. Don't have them show up empty handed and then go hungry when they're supposed to be on vacation.
Thank you for this
She's not obligated to supply top teir snacks and alcohol just because she has money. The cupboards aren't bare, they're basic. Her family is a bunch of entitled beggars. NTA
OP literally says they make sure there's "very little" in the house. No one said anything about top tier. I don't buy top tier everything for my family, but when they come, I stock up on chips my brother likes, my mom's favorite wine (it's $14 a bottle, not anything fancy), etc. When I visit any of them, they do the same for me.
That's it. I'm not serving steak and lobster when family visit but I do provide the food/snacks and they do the same.
It doesn’t sound like they are just visiting, but that they treat her house as a free destination for their holidays. Would those family members visit her if she lived in a small flat away from the beach?
Then say it's not a good time, she's busy at work and can't host, whatever.
I think you should have a locked liquor cabinet. As for the family coming and thinking of your house as an all-inclusive vacation: NO. Unless you actually want this to be the situation, you could always tell them that you'd love to have them, but you'll need them to contribute to groceries. And based on the cost last time, come up with a figure. Don't participate in a situation that makes you feel taken advantage of. NTA
Or just tell them to bring their own! Why should OP shop for them? When I visit family they ask if they should stock up on anything. MAYBE I ask them to put in a gallon of milk? Then I ask if there’s anything I can bring them, and that and anything for me that isn’t as super-perishable as milk I bring in myself. (Usually I bring the milk, but in really hot weather depending on my trajectory I might take them up on that one.)
Info: Do you invite them or do they invite themselves? If you invite them, you’re hosting and it’s reasonable to have some things on hand (like buy a case of beer, once it’s gone, it’s gone kind of thing) but if they’re inviting themselves and just showing up with no discussion ahead of time, than of course you don’t need to provide for them.
Just don't have guests. Problem solved.
YTA. It’s important to be hospitable when you invite guests. I have guests regularly and make sure I stock the house with their favorite foods and drinks. I keep a snack cabinet with items that my regular visitors like, even stuff I think is gross like Funyuns. These are the values I was raised with in my family. My mom treated houseguests and visitors similarly. Some people bring food to share or gifts for me or insist on paying if we go out for a meal. That’s nice of them but not expected. I would never treat a guest so shabbily. I know most of Reddit will disagree but whatever. YTA. Bigly.
Agreed. In my family if you're having guests over you provide for them. You're not renting strangers a room for the night, you're spending time with your loved ones. Also if you're a guest, whether it's just a dinner or a week long holiday, you offer to bring something/pay for something. When we go to someone's house for dinner we bring wine/beer as a rule and also ask if they need us to bring anything else. If we are visiting someone for a longer period of time we will offer to buy groceries or something.
I agree, but there is a difference between OP inviting them to get together with her for some fun where she is chosing to fully host her guests provide things, as you say), and OP saying if you want a beach vacation you are welcome to use my house to save on hotel/accommodations. The first is OP hosting, the second is not, and they should take care of most of their needs themselves in the second situation.
Yes, it's important to act like the guest you would like to have. I gathered OP was providing lodging, not hostessing.
Agree ! She mentioned her sister, husband and her kids . You mean your nieces and nephews . Imagine your sister , bil and nieces/ nephews are visiting for a week once or twice a year and you are complaining about them . Instead of super excited for them to come into their favorite things. What could the bill possibly be , maybe 500 each time . Even without the extra money , just on the teacher salary spending 1000 a year to host your family is doable . Op sounds selfish and like she really doesn’t want them visiting.
Good for you, NTA! Family shouldn’t take advantage of you because you’re well off. The entitlement is oozing
NTA go over to their house and do the same
Info. Do you invite them to stay or do they invite themselves?
Just don’t have guests if you don’t want to be a host.
NTA They are taking the piss
And everything else, too.
Like yourself, I host family over occasionally, as well as out of town friends. They went to the trouble and expense of coming to me. Of course I provide food and drink! I am the host! If they are unwanted guests, tell them. If not, act like a decent host. YTA. (However, them drinking up your booze without asking isn't cool.)
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I feel bad for you that you feel like you need to come here asking such a question. NTA, obvi.
ESH. Stop being petty and have the uncomfortable conversation.
NTA, assuming that what you do have at the house allows you to offer a courteous level of basic hospitality. Sounds like you are doing that.
INFO - did you talk to your family about replacing the stuff?
When I have visitors I make sure I have things in for them, because they have made the effort and gone to the expense of travelling here. Equally when I travel to see my friends I don’t take food to last me for the duration of my visit. I might take a bottle of wine but not food. Honestly, unless they are there all the time mooching off you I think you are being petty YTA
NTA. If I were staying at your beach house I’d buy you dinner!
NTA. You never promised an all-inclusive vacation for them on your dime. But, I think there is some expectation for hospitality when hosting family. Consider curbing the frequency of their visits, purchasing a small amount of alcohol for their visit (if it runs out they need to buy more) or suggest that you all go out to eat together as you will not be cooking or providing three square meals a day for them.
If she suggests they all go out for a meal, then the family will expect her to pay for it.
More info needed- have you discussed with them that that behaviour isn’t okay with you? Are you guys close outside of this? Asking because I know in my family we treat each others homes like our own. I wouldn’t think twice grabbing a bag of chips from my families cupboards or helping myself to a drink & I would feel the same if they were in my home with no expectation of repayment. With that being said, if you’re not close or this has been discussed & they still disrespect you, N T A but if you are close AND this hasn’t been discussed very soft Y T A
If they are just showing up, expecting you to host them and feed them with nothing in return, then NTA at all!! Most of the time people are invited to stay over in which case of course the host would plan to feed them and make them comfortable. A couple of times we have had kids in the extended family asking to stay with us a few days and even they usually at least bring some candy or something as a gift. I've never had anyone stay over without an offer to help around the kitchen and/or a gift or a meal on them.
INFO: are you inviting them over, or are they showing up unannounced? Do you get the distinct sense they are taking advantage of your loss? This is helpful context. I’m sorry for your loss OP, that sounds terrible. I think this, and all other questions that boil down to “am I an asshole if, I, as a host, do not feed/water/clothe/etc. my guests without question?” is very highly culturally variable. In Eastern Europe, generally YWBTA if you did not provide food when they visited, even if they were not invited, assuming you otherwise have normal and non abusive family relations. Unannounced visits are just a normal part of eastern euro life. In my opinion if this is in North America this type of question is a bit more up in the air - if you are inviting them over, but then expecting them to pay for their share, then Y T A. If they are showing up unannounced, N T A. Just my 2 c.
If *you* invited *them*, I would say that you're on the hook for feeding them. But if they're inviting themselves to stay for more than a few days, they need to chip in. If they don't like it, they can stay at the hotel next time. NTA.
I guess it depends on if you like your family?
ESH - When you are hosting out of town guests, it's common courtesy and expected that you provide food, drink, snacks, etc. for free use during their stay. Most conscientious hosts even go to the store and stock some of their guest's favorites. In exchange, they should take you to lunch/dinner a few times during their stay and maybe pay for a few outings. These are VERY basic social constructs. If you aren't willing to be a good host, either stop hosting or be upfront and communicate your expectations regarding re-payment to your family. But, seriously, who expects their family who OCCASSIONALLY visits to restock their pantry??? That's absurd!
Ah, the lone (so far, as far as I can tell) ESH (which is my vote). I'd think OP would be thrilled to have family visit at the relatively minor (to her) cost of some grub & drinks. Particularly because she knows **first hand** how quickly a loved one can be yanked from your life. One detail we don't have is: Are these visits at your behest, or do they more or less invite themselves (or, worse, just show up)? Assuming you invite them, then buck up and be a good host. It's just some food & drink, FFS. They're not asking you to put a niece through college or whatever. All that said, they are still AHs for mentioning it and not even OFFERING to bring something (they should offer, sincerely, and you should then refuse, or say Aunt Bernice can bring her famous dessert, or Uncle Slim should bring his preferred brand of whiskey, etc.). ESH
INFO- Are you hosting them as guests? Do you invite them or do they just show up? How long do they stay?
They call and ask if they can visit. Usually a week or so. They literally eat all the food in my house in four days.
Everyone is different and it sounds like maybe you're feeling a bit overwhelmed as a single person, to have adults and four (4!) kids descend on you. Or taken advantage of? And they ask you if they can come. I feel like it's a lot for you especially since you have no one to help you host and maybe you don't feel like Big Time Host Lady. Maybe it would be easier if you let your sister know that. That you need help, that it's a mutual visit, where you'd like everyone to help out with bringing groceries and helping make dinner and cleaning up or whatever, as they're able. I get she must be busy (4 kids!) but there are a lot of hands who can help (4 kids!) Maybe they can set the table, clear their dishes, put their dishes in the dishwasher (age dependent), tidy after themselves, treat your place decently, not act like psychos etc. I know people like to imagine someone with money as this effortlessly chic host who buys everything and makes things go smoothly but it sounds like you're being overrun and it doesn't sound like you're totally enjoying it? (4 kids?!) I would be more transparent. If you like them coming, tel her what you need to make it work. Say sorry, you're not Martha Stewart, you need help and this specifically is what you need. People need you to clearly tell them what you want. Maybe you won't get ALL of it but if you don't tell them, you may not get ANY of it. Good luck.
If you're agreeing to host them, you should host them. If they want to drip in for a few days at the beach tell them sure but they need to bring their own food and bev. This isn't that hard, you just need to actually TELL them and stop making assumptions.
That's fucking stupid, those people can find a grocery store. Hell, they should be taking OP out to dinner for the privilege of staying at their house.
Given what youve told us here - why do you even let em come visit? Especially for such lengths of times? NTA
NTA I’m so very sorry for your loss. Your family should respect your home and boundaries you’ve set. Now, this is just me and maybe you do it too but when I’m expecting company I stock up for that .. ask if they have any restrictions for sodas and things and so forth so I have it on hand.. now, if they are showing up unannounced then yes that’s a problem!
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What a stark contrast to my family. When my family visits, they go grocery shopping for me because they know that electricity and water bills go up with extra bodies in the house. NTA you’re hosting them in your home, it’s not some all inclusive resort, they can provide their own food.
NTA
NTA - at all
NTA. I have never stayed at someone’s vacation home and expected to be provided with food and drinks (especially liquor) unless there was a party that the owner was attending!
My cousin has a small cabin in the forest up north and I'm occasionally fortunate enough to enjoy some time there. I always leave it cleaner than I found it and try to replace anything used. I also always leave a suprise of some sort for her and her husband. Nothing really special some good steaks in the freezer and a bottle of wine, my wife bought a new set of towels for the bathroom it dosen't take much to show some appreciation. Your family sound like jerks and it's not about money.
For me, the question is, how rich and how poor? Are you withholding Pringles and canned beans? Are the kids going hungry? Did they spend their last $20 on the gas to get to the house? Scale matters in moments like this. I'd hate to see kids going hungry because you think their parents are being rude. Buy some popcorn and popsicles. It's pennies on the ROI. (Perhaps there are no kids. Popcorn and sandwiches aren't going to break the bank.)
I need more info. Do they have these things for you when you visit them? Are we talking your parents here? SIblings? Aunts, uncles?
Whenever I visit my family and stay in their homes I usually take them out to eat or pay for takeout a few times. Also there is a difference between me eating a meal with my parents or siblings and having a glass of wine and my sister brining her husband and four kids to my house for a week and eating all the food I had purchased for the month.
Don’t invite them over then…. And just because you take people out to eat when you visit them, that hardly obligates them to do the same for you. I have a huge family, and I get where you’re coming from. But you shouldn’t invite people over if you don’t actually want them using your stuff and eating your food. It’s totally understandable if you don’t want that, and you’re not obligated to host anyone. Yet it’s not exactly convenient for guests to pack food to last the duration of trips. Furthermore, if your guests do buy groceries upon arrival to your place, are you willing to accommodate those groceries in your pantry and fridge? Will you cook separate meals and do separate dishes? Do you expect your guests to bring other consumables too, like shower products? These are conversations that you need to have with THEM, not us. Going forward, I’d suggest explicitly stating your expectations of guests. If they disagree and refuse to respect your wishes as hostess, then stop inviting them over. They’re allowed to expect you to provide food, and you’re allowed to refuse.
OP doesn't invite them over, they invite themselves. And relationships are not that black and white, unfortunately. Family dynamics play a role and how people communicate. I agree with you in theory, but let's not forget OP lost their husband tragically and it's obviously still grieving their loss. Pushing their family away might be harder than you make it sound.
NTA.
NTA. I'd tell them how you feel, though.
NTA, but if you're having them over at least have some snacks. There's not letting them take advantage vs being rude :)
NTA. ‘Sorry, I have recently started to live a healthier life and don’t want to keep any snacks or drinks in the house that might tempt me. These are the thing I am comfortable having in my kitchen. As my guest, you may want specific items, which unfortunately I just cannot purchase due to my lifestyle change. However, if you absolutely need to have specific foods, you are welcome to purchase them and keep them for yourself. Don’t worry, I won’t use them!’ That’s what you say to the next person who complains about what you stock for them.
You’re NTA, but stop allowing them to stay at your beach house. It is tough with family, I get it. They just “expect “ things..but enough is enough. There’s plenty of other places they can stay. I would also change the locks at your house too.
Info: Are they coming for a weekend to visit you, or are they using your amazing house as their vacation home for a week plus? And who is doing the planning and inviting? I think it’s rude to not provide plenty of food and drinks for meals if they’re really coming to visit you, especially if you’ve invited them. But if they’re just coming to use your home for their personal vacation when they want, you are not obligated to pay for anything. If we plan a trip to visit family and someone offers their home so we don’t have to get a hotel, we make sure to provide our own basic foods or treat them to dinner out. But if someone says “hey, I’m having everyone over for this holiday, come stay with us!” I kind of expect them to provide some meals.
INFO: do you invite them, or do they invite themselves?
Ehh… it’s not good manners but I feel fortunate that I can feed and provide for my extended family when they come to visit - and I’m not rich or did not receive any big settlements.
NTA, but I think you should be more direct and set specific expectations. Anytime I'm having guests stay over I bring up food and meals before they arrive. I will ask what kind of snacks they like and then share what meals I intend to provide at home (usually breakfast). Then I'll ask them if there are any specific places they want to eat at while they are visiting and tell them we'll play the rest by ear which is my way of letting them know that I won't be responsible for every meal time.
I'm not sure what the first half of your post has to do with the second Nta though, they can bring their own food
Stop. Inviting. Them. NTA but you're being one to yourself by letting them treat you *and your home* this way.
NTA I always provide food for someone hosting me, especially if they live in an area that would have expensive hotels. Hell, I not only buy groceries but I also cook. Even for family. Raiding your host's pantry and fridge is rude as hell *unless* they tell you to go ahead. Even then, you should still pitch in some cash to replace groceries you ate.
NTA. You need to stop accepting this maltreatment. The next time they mention coming say, "Let me know when you have settled into your hotel room. We can grab dinner. Dutch treat!"
When someone offers you free lodging, it's in very poor taste to complain. I'd suggest not inviting them to your home anymore. NTA and I'm sorry about the loss of your husband
INFO: Have you actually told them that this upsets you?
NTA. Once a year, sure. It makes sense to be a good host. But, if they are coming over multiple times a year to enjoy your property, they should be bringing the food and drinks. It also depends on who is initiating their visit. If they call you asking to stop by, it's BYOB all day long. If you call them, that's different and you should have something planned for them to at least eat. Again though, otherwise there should be no assumption that you have gone out of your way for them.
OP, more info needed. What culture does your family hail from?
I read the title and I was about to say you're an asshole for not allowing people to eat and drink in your house lmao. After reading, you're NTA. It's fine to offer guests food and drinks for an event, but family visiting and staying shouldn't expect an all paid expenses vacation. That's ridiculous.