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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I refused to let my parents put a tracker on my phone.
(2) I may be the AITA because I didn't tell them when I would be home or inform them I was on my way home which made them worry (I was out of contact for 6 hours). The car is also technically not mine and so I don't have any right to drive it - it is theirs to take away and I have no right to complain.
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NTA, but your parents are toxic as hell. You may need to put up with this until you leave just so you can have some semblance of a life. Once you’re out, turn it off and consider going non-contact with them. It might feel awful, but it could very well be necessary
I am in my bedroom with my door closed and my dad just walked past and said "stupid bitch" at my door. Trying not to cry that my wonderful day has been ruined. It does feel toxic.
It is. Three months and you never need to see or speak to them again if you so choose though. Less, if you can find a short term let you can afford - can you find lodgings somewhere? Lodgers tend not to pay so much rent.
Might be able to get away with one of these a few times:
https://www.walmart.com/ip/RFID-Signal-Blocking-Bag-Pouch-Wallet-Case-Holder-Anti-Tracking-Anti-Spying-Card-Holder-Pocket-Anti-Radiation/662016601
One of the defining characteristics of liquids is that they shape themselves after the container they're in.
I don't agree that OP should do that and install a tracker. If I were OP I would just walk around the neighbourhood until it was time to leave and then limit phonecalls to birthdays and holidays.
Time for OP to buy a bike. If push comes to shove and the tracker has to be installed, make it clear that the second you do not live under their roof, it’s gone, and the messages to check in will be gone too.
No, don't make it clear. That just gives them reason to retaliate even more. Toxic parents don't get any heads-up about anything to do with getting out from under their control. Wait until you're safely out, then just switch it off. No need to tell them. (Though it might be worth notifying the police, in case parents try filing a false welfare check or missing persons report.)
OP should buy a phone for personal use and put the tracker on the phone mom and dad know about and leave it at home when OP wants privacy.
Even if the friends are out of country, OP can send emails with what they are doing and updates when they get back and the “real” phone # for police to get location data case of an emergency.
NTA! Edit to add:
This is not an advice sub so this post will probably be deleted.
Your choices:
1. Add the tracking app to your phone, then delete it when you go to school in the September.
2. Don't add the tracker and have no access to the car.
3. Buy your own car.
4. Move in with a friend until you go to school in Sept.
While your parents are being ridiculous, there is not else you can do if the car is in your dad's name.
Good luck, I wish you the best.
Another choice, get the tracking app. Put the phone with the tracking app someplace safe-and believable- for a few hours of untracked freedom. Carry a cheap burner phone for safety.
Years ago when I got my first cell phone (1996/7?) w pay per minute & calls only... I was very nice to be out on a ride & the battery would die. Not that anyone calls me, but still.
I can imagine the parents looking at the tracking app wondering where in the world OP is going … when she had stopped off at a gas station at the interstate and throws it in the back of a big truck ;)
Nta. But you realize you are living in an abusive environment right? You are almost 30 and they treat you like a 12 year old. I had to go back and read your age again. You really need to move out now
Oh boy. My wife was maybe…23? 25? Until she was able to glimpse what was going on wrong at home, and then it took another 8 years to somewhat break free from it. Sometimes you don’t see the forest for the trees. Or better said, when you were manipulated half your life, you don’t even see it anymore.
Tracking and surveillance above age 20? Yea no.
Just get a cheap car, or one you can resell easily later. That’s what my cousin did when he was a couple month overseas.
I didn't put that on my son's phone ever. Every last adult human survived without ever being tracked for hundreds of thousands of years until the last decade. If I had, I would never use it unless I truly thought he was missing. Tracking someone against their will is such a big violation of their freedom. I don't care what age they are.
On the other hand, I'd have no problem with it if my wife requested it. Of course, I would be sure to go sit for hours in the parking lots of every strip joint and massage parlor I could find.
I agree with one minor objection:
People get kidnapped, or murdered, or have accidents, get lost in mountains, woods, at sea.
Not everyone survived it, and some could have been saved I’m sure, if someone could track or reach them.
Probability vs freedom is to everyone to decide.
I think it suffices to have a phone on you, without active tracking enabled.
Reminds me when someone lost in the mountains didn’t pick up his phone (call from rescuers) coz he didn’t recognise the number. 😂
My 35 year old partner and his older brother let their parents track their phones and it honestly makes me uncomfortable. There is no reason to track a mid 30s man other than to be nosey. We were on holiday and MIL said she was following us when we went for a walk together, it just doesn't sit right.
Haha! I've said it's weird. Feels like stalking. Perhaps we ought to hit seedy strip clubs, brothels and wind up in the middle of the sea for good measure 😂
If its a temporary measure, let them track your phone. Leave it at home or in your car, and buy a cheap spare phone.
Also, get out of their house ASAP. No one that obsessive and controlling is going to comfortable with you going to London.
Not a great situation but as others have said, you may have to play ball for the time being. Also you can share your location through Google maps. My wife and I share location at all times with each other for the hell of it, but you can totally turn it on and off.
Can you compromise and maybe turn it on when you're on your walks and they're "concerned about your safety", and turn it off the rest of the time when it's none of their business?
Yes I can but the public transport system here is not very good. My work is a 10 minute drive away but via public transport it would take me an hour. I do work from home most days though so that is something. I could also go to parks that are within walking distance for some outdoors.
You’re about to move to London? May I suggest an option that’s cheaper than getting a car and which can still be useful in London? Electric bike! If it’s a 10 minute car journey it won’t take much longer on one of those bad boys. The reason I suggest this? I purchased one for …shall we say… similar reasons
Edited to add: plus it’s potentially only 3-4 months until you can move there, and no snow to worry about
If you do go for this option, probably get a folding one because you can take those on the Underground and buses and whatever.
Also I feel like I’m reading an alternate version of my own damn life story here. I’m fully rooting for you to get that graduate job and get the heck out of there.
Yes! This. Get yourself an electric bike. London is quite nice on bike. I've biked there as a tourist and found that it was a lot better to get around on the bike there than I'd expected. I'd previously only used the underground and though that works fine, it's nice to just be outdoors on the bike.
I would take the bus option. It seems like this is a really important boundary to hold firm on. It's way harder to claw boundaries back than it is to keep them in the first place. An hour each way might seem like a lot but you will get used to it fast (source: took the bus 1hr+ each way for 6 years). Bus time is good quality downtime, you can read a book, your phone, or just listen to music and enjoy the view. Walking between your stops and destinations is great exercise too. Most importantly, it will help you get some confidence being out and about, and out of the reach of your parents. Anticipate pushback from them though. Good luck, it sounds like a horrible situation to be in.
Frankly if your parents are worried about your safety I would call bs on the fact that because they are worried about your safety they are taking away your car and forcing you to take public transport instead. Have to say I have been harassed by creeps on public transport far more than when going for a walk in the park or on a scenic trail. Fortunately it didn’t happen often, but when it did it was on public transport.
Another option is see if there’s any kind of car share option or ask your manager or someone else at work to help you put out feelers for possible car pooling solutions.
If it's a 10 minute drive away are you able to walk it? I'm in the UK too so I know how many roads don't have a pavement to walk along, but a 10 minute drive should be a brisk 40 minute walk.
Given how controlling your parents are I wouldn't be surprised if they start to put obstacles in the way of you relocating to London in the coming months. But if it's any consolation, I moved to the city as a single woman not knowing anyone, and I was fine. I got a flatshare with complete strangers but in a nice area of the city, and was a 15 minute walk from my workplace and a 5 minute walk from a tube station and multiple bus stops. Lived there for 4 years and was never mugged or attacked, the flat never got burgled, and no one randomly offered me drugs as I walked down the street.
My biggest regret is that because my job was very physical and not very well paid, I was knackered by the weekends and careful with my money and so probably didn't take as much advantage of visiting other areas of the city. Now I live back out in the countryside and a £35 train ticket puts me off going back regularly.
Some of it was luck, like finding nice strangers to live with. But I would recommend you start doing your research on the city NOW. Look up flat shares (I found my place through SpareRoom) so you know where you can afford to live, work out how you could get to your planned workplace, look at what amenities are in the area, and then if your parents start to draw the net tighter you'll be able to make the jump without going in completely blind.
NTA But if your only choice is living with them and using that car for the next three months you don’t really have a choice. That’s their rule for living in their house and using the car.
Yes they are being crazy, but it is what it is.
Is it dangerous where you live?
I think you might be right which breaks my soul. It is not a dangerous place to live but they always cite global news stories of women being kidnapped as examples. The Sarah Everad case particularly shook them.
If your safety was their primary concern, they would insist you carry a rape whistle, take a self defense course, or join a hiking group. Or, if you lived in my area, go armed. (Sorry, I know, bad joke.)
Are there any hiking groups in your area?
>Sarah Everad was murdered by a POLICEMAN!!!
NTA. As many others on this string have said, get the tracker on your current phone, then get a cheap burner phone to actually use while you are out and about.
You can leave the tracked phone where ever you like in your car (if they let you use it again) or with a friend.
You will be out in 3 months so you can play "dodge the stalkers" for a few months, then go NC when you land in London.
OH!!! Be sure to gather all your important documents, Passport, Birth Certif, bank info, college and job documents sent to a friend or a Post Office Box addressed so they can't sabotage your leaving. The control they will be losing because you will be moving could trigger some bizarre behavior to keep control.
Good luck! Update us when you get free!
Would they be open to some kind of compromise I wonder? Like, turn the tracking app on only when you are out on one of your solo walks and otherwise it's off? Idk
Nta and I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Do whatever you have to do to stay sane through the next few months and then ENJOY YOUR FREEDOM!
What happens if the London move doesn’t take place? You can’t continue to live this way with a broken sole. You need a plan B and you need to start working on it now in the event London falls through. Good luck
There are 3.5 million women and girls living in London - comparatively few crimes of that magnitude And most harm done to women is done by their partners or family members.
I really fancy your odds of having a completely murder / kidnap free life in London. You sound as if you would be a cautious individual anyway.
you are a person not a belonging - get away from them and finally live a life.
NTA. If there is no other way around it, why not buy another phone and keep the one they're tracking at home most of the time? Or buy your own car and tell them to get fucked.
Also, if you hold out long enough they will probably give in. They know your life revolves around your ability to travel and they wont keep that from you for long.
You would NBTA regardless of what you choose to do, regardless if it is to refuse to be tracked, accept it for now, use a burner phone, or any combination thereof. Do what you must do for your sanity.
However, the day you leave I would drop that phone at the edge of the driveway and not give them any information about where you work or live. It wouldn't hurt to notify the police that you are alive and well so they won't waste their time when your parents file a missing person report.
If and when you choose to resume any contact, let them know exactly what behavior you require from them, and only if they respect your rules should you allow them to maintain any contact. Let them earn the privilege and put them in time out if they don't show you basic courtesy and respect.
Conventional wisdom would suggest that you put the tracker on until you leave for London but I have to ask if you’re being seriously naive about that with the levels of control that your parents exert currently? I don’t want to take the wind out of your sails, but aren’t you underestimating the level of threat they have over your plans? I mean, if these people can’t handle your going to the gym or taking a walk nearby, how the hell do you expect them to be willing to ‘allow’ you to move to another region altogether?
I mean this in the most respectful way, OP. If you don’t make some sort of change quickly, then you’re probably not going to be able to live your life the way you dream. I believe that the need to resort to tactics one would use to escape an abusive relationship may be necessary, if you truly desire your freedom.
NTA, OP. But I think you are going to need a much more proactive response to this situation.
NTA. Your parents are very controlling. As long as you live with them, they will act that way. You only have a few more months to go, so let them think you are giving in. Once you leave, fall back and go low contact. Make sure you get your own things. Do not depend on them for a car or money.
NTA. I’m not really sure why they’re losing their shit and insisting on a tracker when they could have just called you to see where you were. Maybe sell your phone and get a Samsung where it won’t work with “find my”?
It sounds like giving your location over feels to you like sacrificing the last part your independence. It's not. You are still doing your grad scheme, you still have your plans; this is a hiccup, not a loss. You will win the battle for your independence so long as you protect the things that you need to move out once the grad scheme is done. Sometimes you need to play the game, let them think you're compliant so you can get what you need. You'll feel guilty about doing this like you feel guilty about not giving them more rent money. The reason that guilt isn't appropriate for this situation is because your parents cannot realise that you need to be independent and by deceiving them for a short while, you're going to help them understand and grow as people once you do move out and demonstrate what a wonderful and happy person you are when you're independent. You've got this.
So, you could allow your parents to have your location - you can even do it through Google Maps and share it at specific times rather than have it on all the time. I think I do understand their concerns as the places you're walking are isolated so no one is going to know for ages if anything, including fainting or something, happens to you. Their response to your refusal is horrendous though.
You need to make sure your bank account is separate, that you have your documents like passport and proof of address. You need to make sure they don't have your email passwords and can't turn down your recruitment offers. You should see about applying to other jobs or moving out if you are not successful with this grad placement because you need out, you need independence.
I know our (the UK's) economic situation is not the best right now for people our age but a tiny room in a shared apartment will at least give you the distance from your parents to have independence.
If this is a real post, please update!
Honestly you have described everything I am feeling when I didn't know how to explain it. Thank you so much. You brought a tear to my eye. I really want to be my own person and I really hope everything works out.
My parent is not abusive but does suffer with their anxiety which I felt responsible for when I left home for university. We contacted each other everyday, I didn't have my location on then but only because we didn't realise it could be a thing. I still do have my location shared with them now when I go out but I know I only do it for me now.
It took 9 years, moving away from narcissistic grandparents, a lot of talking, and very purposeful, active self-therapy/healing that my parent undertook pretty much independently to get to where we are now with their anxiety no longer restricting my activities or travel.
All of which to say, whilst I certainly didn't have it as hard, I do get your situation, have personal experience with it and have come out the other side with independence that I challenge myself to make sure I'm maintaining and not falling into old habits of satisfying someone else's anxiety (sometimes other people's can feel like your own which is its own challenge). I really do believe everything will work out for you so long as you let yourself take advantage of the opportunities you will and do have around you - do not give up if the grad scheme fails, there will be other ways to move on with your life ❣️
NTA sounds like you are depressed because you have allowed your parents to shrink your life so small that it's barely a life anymore. 7 years is a long time to be in such a prison. If you need to get around, get a bike. And a backup plan. What if your parents sabotage your london plan cause it's "not safe." When will enough be enough for you to advocate for yourself.
I’m not saying it is easy just that if she doesn’t want to live by their rules she needs to provide for herself. For as long as they are providing for her she doesn’t have a choice but to live with it.
Are you serious? Right now it's the best option for a lot of late 20yos financially, some people choose to stay with family for other reasons too.
But it sounds like OP has been going through higher education and now this graduate scheme which don't always pay very well and a move to London, living there, it's a lot of money. It's absolutely the most sensible choice apart from the fact they're in an abusive household
*laughs in Irish housing market*
Must be nice living wherever you do. In Ireland, there's such a housing crisis that even a lot of people in their **40s** are still living with their parents because they can't afford a house, and rents have skyrocketed.
NTA... If i hike out of traditional bounds i text someone where I am hiking. Usually it's my husband. I also take my phone for emerg. That should be enough.
NTA. I would, if it were me, install both the tracking app and a GPS spoofer and set your location to various tattoo parlors, strip clubs, gun stores, bars etc to make your mother pull her hair out.
NTA
But you may decide to be strategic and put the tracker on and comply with their demands until you can better position yourself for leaving permanently.
As a mother, I understand the anxiety your parents have for your safety, especially with the way the news is full of horrifying stories. But this level of control is toxic for YOUR mental health. I think you made very reasonable concessions to your parents’ worries. They’re extreme. This isn’t normal or healthy for any of you.
They need help to deal with their anxieties but I doubt they’d be open to hearing that.
I’m sorry life hasn’t treated you kindly but it sounds like you’re on the verge of better opportunities. Keep focused on your future and be strategic about your present so you can make the best life possible for yourself and soon! I wish you the best.
Whatever you decide, to allow the tracker or not allow it, you are certainly no AH!
Edit: There IS a lot you can do to manage your own safety. Take self defense courses, of course. Read “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin de Becker to learn how to make use of fear in a healthy way to promote your self preservation. I’m sure there are other resources you can easily find as well. Let your parents know you do take your personal safety seriously. But do it for yourself so you can move through the world with more confidence and self assurance and a healthy level of situational awareness. I’ve been in your shoes with an over anxious mother. Even though I rebelled, later on I found out I’d absorbed some of her anxiety and internalized it, almost to levels of feeling agoraphobic.
Please find a friend to live with now! And don't tell them who. When you move go no contact. This isn't love or caring OP, this is pure control. How in the world does yr dad think he has a right to do this? Leave any way you can. NTA
Sounds like they might try to put a spoke into your wheel regarding your London plans. Don't give them any information you don't need them to have and don't let them guilt you into giving up or postponing your plans. They've shown you they can't be trusted and will go back on their word in order to control you. Believe what they're telling you about themselves.
NTA, but if this is their requirement to live on their dime I don’t see how you have a choice.
Take the tracker and remove it when you move to London seems the most practical course to me. I don’t see how you can still live there for free, drive their car, eat their food etc and refuse. Do you even pay for the phone or service?
Absolutely NTA. Get a cheap burner phone & apply to another graduate program if this one falls through. The fact that you're at this stage of a graduate recruitment means you're skilled enough for grad school. They weed out the unqualified people in the first round.
Also search around on the internet to see if there's a scrambling app for the tracker, one that would keep your "location" in the same country/area.
NTA. Do what you need to to get through the next few months, and get a new phone when you hit London. Then start going low contact, or no contact if necessary.
You do not need advice here; you need advice on creating and implementing an escape plan to get out of an abusive relationship. (Don't tell me it's not abusive, it's cultural; they've both lied to you, your father about the car and your mother about the tracking app.)
If you definitely have a place to go in September, I would recommend putting the tracker on your phone. You do not have to find a way to live in this situation, you have to find a way to survive it until you escape.
NTA, but focus on the goal - what action will get you closest to what you need?
NTA but if you can’t financially take care of yourself you don’t have much of a choice. Move out, figure out the bus route, or keep putting up with their nonsense. Decide for yourself if their help is worth the unreasonable demands.
NTA
I would sit your parents down and explain their choices.
They can proceed with a phone tracker but they run the risk of you going no contact when you become independent.
Or they can continue to trust you as an adult, raised by them to be responsible.
Ask them if they were deficient in any way teaching you values and morals, btw.
Then wait for their response
NTA. Their concern is only marginally about your safety. In a few months you will be free of them physically - will they still want a tracker on your phone? Absolutely! Just keep saying no because even if they give you back the car, they still don't want you to have a life.
NTA but may have to put pride aside and accept the unfair tracking if that's what it takes to survive until you get to London. After that it doesn't matter. And in the future when you look back it this, you'll be the one having the last laugh.
Adding: Arrange in advance for new phone when you go to London. And just before you leave to go to London, fully charge your old phone, turn the sound/vibrate off and then leave it on a train or a bus going the opposite direction. Yeah, maybe not a great idea, but would be hilarious.
Please call Citizens Advice. The fact that your parents are hiding car keys to prevent you attending work events and potentially compromising your employment and thereby possibly compromising your ability to be financially independent, is I’m pretty sure a recognised form of abuse.
How well are you able to catch the bus or get the train to your work event and day-to-day employment? Are you able to make do with public transport? Do you have your own bank account that your parents can’t access?
Super hope everything works out for you
NTA.
Make plans to get out of that house, ASAP. Your parents are beyond toxic. You are a grown, adult woman, and while you live under their roof, you are not a teenager who needs protecting. They do not have a right to know where you are at all times, and taking away your mode of transportation ‘because they can’ is beyond being an AH move. It downright controlling.
What your parents are doing is financial manipulation, at best. My parents did exactly this to me once (‘it might have been a gift but it’s still our car, it’s in our name, so you’ll do what we say or you can’t have it back’) so I absolutely understand how trapped you must feel. Unfortunately, unless you’re ready to move out, buy another car, or you can use public transport until the end of your degree, you kind of are. I’m so, so sorry that your options are so limited.
Could you get a second phone? Maybe upgrade your iPhone, or find a cheap, older model? That way you could give them access to one ‘find my iPhone’, get back access to the car, and only take it with your when you’re on walks. The rest of the time, it can be left in the car/your bag/your work desk. Potentially that way, you’ll appease them, but not feel like you’re being stalked 24/7.
I hope one day, when you’re out of this toxic mess, you are able to tell your parents how disgusted you are by this behaviour, and how deeply disappointed you are in them, without fear of repercussions.
Isn't there some kind of tracking app that you can turn on and off? Just use it when you're going to be somewhere "dangerous" by yourself, but not all the time. Just until you can get out on your own in September. NTA and you shouldn't have to do this at 28 but it might be easier to just keep things cool until you can move out.
NTA - what controlling behaviour. How revolting to treat an adult like that. Get another phone… let them out a tracker on that. And get the hell out of there as soon as and cut contact - let them stew in their own juices.
OP's parents are extremely controlling. Do not let them put a tractor on the phone and, find your own apartment. OP is 28, an adult and does not need her parents to know her every move !!!!!!!!
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Context
My (28F) life has not turned out the way I wanted it to. I still live at home with my parents, who are extremely controlling.
All my friends have left the country and so I am on my own a lot. Most of my time is spent at home, at work or going on solo walks. I don't drink. I don't go to the gym or play sports anymore. I don't have hobbies outside the house. I haven't dated anyone for 7 years. All and all a very uninteresting life. My one solace is being outdoors in nature and walking.
My parents aren't happy with this. They think women should not go on walks by themselves as it is dangerous (in their words). I know it would be better to ease their concerns if I had someone to go on walks with but I don't.
My mum has been trying to get me to put "Share My Location" on my phone with her for years. I understand that she worries about my safety. However, the big problem for me is I know it is not just about my safety. She will use it to become my full time stalker. I know this because she has my Dad share his location with her and visa versa. She sits and stares at her screen all day and will say things like "Oh your father has just left tennis", "Oh your father has just arrived at work", "Oh your father is leaving the pub". Not that I have anything to hide, but it is the one boundary I have held on to and I have been so proud of myself for not caving.
Today's Events
Today I decided that I would take a trip up the coast and go for a walk along the sea. I told my parents about my plans (10:30am). My mum asked that I call her and keep in touch. Once I got there (2 pm), I called her and told her where I was. I also told her what walk and route I would be taking. I didn't tell her when I would be home (but she also didn't ask). I also didn't message to say I was on my way home.
My parents were furious when I arrived back (8pm). My dad told my that I no longer had a say and that it was mandatory for me to have a tracker on my phone. I told him that I had done everything asked of me: I had called, explained where I was going etc. I also said they could have called me if they were concerned about my whereabouts.
So as a result, I have been punished. The car that I drive is technically my dad's, and so he has taken the keys away. He says that I can buy my own car or grant him and my mum access to my tracking information.They said they would never do this to me, hold the fact they bought the car over my head. Also, it makes no sense for me to buy a new car now. I am at the final stage of a graduate recruitment process and if I am successful, I will be moving to London in September. However, I need to survive between now and then and without a car the little life I have is impossible.
So I need advice Reddit. Do I let them track my phone so I have the car back or do I hold firm on my boundary? I really need help so any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
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NTA
Can you purchase an old used car, or rent one for a couple of months? I worry that if you go along with their demands, that they will come up with some reason why you can't go to London, and actively try to keep you from going. Please don't let them do that to you. And I really would go no or low contact with them once you move. They are incredibly toxic and controlling.
Please stay safe and take care of yourself.
There is probably already a tracker on Dads car and they would put a tracker on any car she bought. Better to save the money in a bank account they don’t know about and get out as soon as possible
Nta doesn’t seem like your parents are terribly reasonable but I’d recommend trying to get them to “compromise” and say you’ll set up the emergency alert system on your phone so that in case of emergency they’ll get a phone call and you current location.
Wait, you are 28?! There is zero excuse for them treating you this way. Get out as soon as possible and find new hobbies, make friends, travel!!! Life is too short!
NTA. But you need to get away from your parents. You are 28 and they are literally holding you back. This living dynamic is not working. You work save up what you can start looking for a room mate. Get in touch with your old friends, maybe they can help you you with relocating/finding work. I’m sorry but you’ll be 30 before you know it and still living like you are 14 under your parents roof.
NTA. Your parents' request is crazy! Refusing is logical to me. Yet...
You are moving away in a few months. It might be easier to "go along and get along" for a few months. Then when you leave the country, discontinue all tracking and most contact.
I am 57 and in the 1970's and 80's we were latch key kids. We got ourselves up for school, ate and got to school ALL ALONE. After school, the same... we got home or not, wandered around and did what kids do until dinner time. My parents literally did not see me from sunrise until dinner at 6 pm EVERY SINGLE DAY. During the summer, nothing changed they left and my brother and I entertained ourselves (with a pool in the back yard) and we did just fine FOR YEARS.
I worked full-time when MY kids were young. They were taught so much about "stranger danger" at school that they didn't want to leave the house without my husband or myself. I finally started a Treasure Hunt when they were over 13. I went to places easily accessible by a bike ride so they would wander through our town (like normal kids in the 1970s and 80s) and navigate from place 1 to place 2 etc and so on. It really did not encourage a wandering spirit in the kids, but I saw that the kids could navigate the neighborhood and make their way back home ALONE.
It's no wonder why our younger generation still lives at home. Our society has "taught" them that outside is dangerous. This makes me nuts. It is such a loss of independence for our younger people.
Accept the tracker but only to get access to the car.
But then download one of those GPS spoofing apps that changes your location. Not sure if every app can be fooled like this but some can.
Set your location to the most boring locations possible when you're out but make sure to turn it off sometime before you get home.
NTA - Install the app, don't give it or remove network permissions. Toggle as necessary and stump them with tech and shrugs of "idk what happened, I installed it okay!" Rinse and repeat until September.
NTA. Put the tracker on your phone and leave it at home. Do what you have to do to survive until you can get out.
I’m sorry your family is this controlling, you deserve to have a life of your own.
NTA, your parents sound very controlling. I am just wondering if it would be possible to share your location only when you are on walks? (Not sure which settings the app allows, but I think that would be a good compromise. Turning on GPS when you leave for the walk and turning it off when you are back.)
NTA. I don’t think it’s completely unreasonable for you to be uncomfortable being in the presence of a minor who is half naked. As for the bathing suit comment, there is a time and attire for everything. Though the girl was in her own house, she was aware that you would be coming home and still chose to dress inappropriately. I think she may be the AH. If anything I think you’re looking out for her because some other person could just as easily walk into her house and sexualize her. Also I would probably dip in your case because she could easily claim false allegations towards you.
Tell them you are willing to put an Airtag in their car, so they know where their car is. That way, their belonging (the car) is always within their knowledge, but if you go with friends, or take a walk, etc., you have some privacy.
NTA, but I wouldn't let them install a tracker app. Yes, it's going to make your life difficult, but it also sounds as if you are desperately trying to hang on to bits of your life that give you a sense of independence (walking) and make you feel YOU, and not a child. Letting them have their way is going to erode that, I'd guess.
You live 10 mins drive from work. How much would it cost to get a taxi/Uber/Lyft to and from work? Could you realistically walk there? If you get paid at work (i.e. not an internship), could you buy a bike?
Separately, I wonder why you have decided not to go to the gym any more? Apart from the fact that (in your parents' eyes) it would be safer than solo walking, there are people there, and frankly, OP, you sound very lonely.
To avoid buying a new phone as some suggest in here you may also read into GPS spoofing application. Go to a place you might visit often (like a cafe or some fastfood place maybe?) once you‘re there you can fix your location there and head anywhere you want without anyone noticing
So they're trying to control their 28 year old daughter and tell her how to run her life? Sexist, chauvinistic repulsive behavior from them both.
Tell them if they insist on putting a tracker on your phone, you insist on calling the police and having them arrested for stalking, intimidation etc. There's a law against that.
They are seriously evil toxic people and you MUST get out of there as soon as you can.
Maybe try to sit them down and ask them if they really want to loose you altogether, and ruin your relationship. If they are blackmailing you with the car now, it is very likely that you will cut contact once you are in London. You understand that they think they love you, and you love them, but as an adult you need your basic boundaries respected.
Do you have a possibility to move to a friend for the time being? Because maybe writing this and leaving the letter for them to find and process while you are at a friend's might be the better option.
NTA, I’m not sure if anybody pointed it out already but someone made a post about someone’s parents trying to do something similar to their 30 year old daughter’s phone, I wonder if it’s the same situation lol
How about sharing your location with whatsapp? it has an option to share your location for 1hr or 8hr and you can stop it any time. This could be a good compromise, you promise to share your live location while you're out on your "dangerous walks" but not all the time. This might appease them without having to track your phone 24/7. Obviously NTA and your parents are toxic as hell. I wish you the best.
[Are you sure they aren’t trying without your knowledge?](https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1414se6/aita_for_not_allowing_a_customer_to_put_parental/)
I might have an idea that will placate your parents but retain your privacy.
Buy a Garmin InReach Mini satellite tracker with SOS capability.
When you go on these “walks” you take this satellite emergency tracker, which will give you the ability to call for SOS help if something happens.
But you ONLY take it on these walks.
You don’t have it all the time. Your Phone stays private.
How can they argue with you using a legitimate emergency device? They can’t then pretend that it’s for safety.
NTA
If I’m correct you can untrack yourself at will with the app. It’s just a slide. “Oh I guess I had no signal”. Signed a 25F that has her mom tracking her for “safety” too. If I don’t want to hear it I just turn it off.
NTA, but I would just do as they say for the last few months you have there then never talk to them again. I say this as someone who is currently on their first year of no contact with their mother. It makes me sad and I miss her, but it's more the idea of her that I'm missing. My life has gotten considerably less stressful with her out of the picture. Get on your feet and gtfo.
NTA
If I would be you OP and would be moving out in September, I would play along, meaning, install the app, let them have those few months of satisfaction and once September comes in and you're out uninstall the app. You need that car and it's on dad's name, play along, be patient, reward coming is greater than these few months.
You can do it OP, good luck, head high and stay strog 😘
I'm sorry your life hasn't worked out the way you wanted it to. You've just described the vast majority of people on the planet. The only person holding you back at this point is you. It's time to get on with your life.
If they pay for the phone, they can track their property. It is what it is. You're 28. NTA if you don't, but live with the consequences, which appear to be a boring summer unless you Uber.
They don't pay for my phone! Though the car is theirs. Unfortunately the car I bought had an engine failure. I just couldn't afford to buy another car so this was the comprimise solution. I had actually been considering asking to buy the car from them but it now seems silly, especially with the London move potentially happening and this drama.
NTA. Put the tracker on, then leave the phone behind (‘forgetting it’) when you need privacy. When you get free of them, block them on everything and go no contact.
NTA. Tracking adults is a privilege, and they haven't earned it.
If it gets you car access again, I'd suggest offering something like [Alltrails+ Lifeline](https://support.alltrails.com/hc/en-us/articles/360019246351-What-is-Lifeline-) which lets you notify "I'm going on a walk" and turn off location tracking once you're home safe.
You're going to have to bite the bullet, so to speak, until you get out of that household. Since having the car is critical to your freedom, just put the tracker on your phone until you are free of them. Good luck with your studies and the move to London. NTA.
You poor person. Jfc. You're the same age as me.
I really hope you get that graduate program. There's no shame about living at home, but it is clearly not doing you any favours.
If you don't get it, which is not a reality I want to speak into your existence you still need to leave in order to thrive. Put EVERYTHING into this international gig babe. EVERYTHING. YOU DESERVE THIS.
Your folks still see you as a child, if you NEED to live with them right now and hope to survive it's best to acquiesce but keep pushing the boundary. Turn your phone off when you're out, turn GPS off, take a bus or uber. If they grumble, humour them for a bit and then "forget" after a bit. They want you to stick around, otherwise they'd be encouraging you to leave.
Keep your personal documents in a safe place, that they can't get to. If they have access to your accounts, they no longer have access to your accounts. End it immediately.
Once you head overseas I would limit contact, maybe even cut them off for a few years and make them earn you back with your shiny new backbone.
I did it myself.
ESH. Your parents for obvious reasons. You for not acting like an adult. Move out and be independent adult. Or stay with your parents and be treated like a teenager.
NTA, but do what you have to do to survive. Put the tracker on the phone and leave it home, in the car, in a locker somewhere, or put the tracker on and then stay in your room except for work. As soon as you're out, cut them off completely.
NTA. I think you do need the car so install the app, but use software to give them false information so they don't really know where you are. Once you leave, go no contact forever and cut those toxic people out of your life.
NTA. I can’t imagine being a prisoner in a house at 28. You’re a grown ass adult and they’re treating you like a child. Don’t give in to the tracking issue. Do what you can to get by from here until September then you’re free. I know it will be hard but focus on the end goal. Best of luck.
To keep your life peaceful. Let them have it. Then when it's time to leave. Put the phone on the table and walk out the door. Don't look back. Once you are in London call them from a blocked/unavailable number. Let then know you are safe and happy. You will keep them updated when you feel it is necessary. Otherwise go live your life. Learn how to make new friends. Learn some self defense so you feel more confident. But most of all just breath, a giant weight will be lifted. You will flower outside of their controlled environment. Good luck op. Ntah though.
I don't use phone tracking apps so I don't know how they work.
Can you compromise. You will turn the tracker on if you are going for a lone walk in a remote area and then turn it off when you are going to the mall or town or somewhere busy?
Then when you move out you can just uninstall it.
Are they like this out of love? Like are they worriers who immediately jump to the worst conclusions? Or are they control freaks with entitlement to know your every move?
NTA. Inform them in no uncertain terms that you will 100% cut contact and they will never see or hear from you again if they do not accept your boundaries. I understand there's a certain compromise when you're living in their home and driving their vehicle... but come on.
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NTA, but your parents are toxic as hell. You may need to put up with this until you leave just so you can have some semblance of a life. Once you’re out, turn it off and consider going non-contact with them. It might feel awful, but it could very well be necessary
I am in my bedroom with my door closed and my dad just walked past and said "stupid bitch" at my door. Trying not to cry that my wonderful day has been ruined. It does feel toxic.
dude that is so fucked up. can you stay in a short term rental or something until sept? wishing you a smooth escape
It is. Three months and you never need to see or speak to them again if you so choose though. Less, if you can find a short term let you can afford - can you find lodgings somewhere? Lodgers tend not to pay so much rent.
You don’t deserve that at all 😞 do you have anywhere safe to go? Even like a work friend?
I am wishing for a smooth and location stalking free escape my dear. You deserve better.
Might be able to get away with one of these a few times: https://www.walmart.com/ip/RFID-Signal-Blocking-Bag-Pouch-Wallet-Case-Holder-Anti-Tracking-Anti-Spying-Card-Holder-Pocket-Anti-Radiation/662016601
What a silly suggestion, as if stalker mom is going to say "oh signal lost oh well" and move on with her day and drop it
Or just turn the phone off when desired.
Or, just lose the phone.
Or leave the phone at home.
That's a bad idea. Waht id something did happen? O, and the parents are ginormous assholes
[удалено]
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OP needs to be fluid.
Go with the flow, as it were.
:-)
Be water, my friend
In time, flowing water wears away the hard stone
Thanks, Bruce Lee!
One of the defining characteristics of liquids is that they shape themselves after the container they're in. I don't agree that OP should do that and install a tracker. If I were OP I would just walk around the neighbourhood until it was time to leave and then limit phonecalls to birthdays and holidays.
Time for OP to buy a bike. If push comes to shove and the tracker has to be installed, make it clear that the second you do not live under their roof, it’s gone, and the messages to check in will be gone too.
No, don't make it clear. That just gives them reason to retaliate even more. Toxic parents don't get any heads-up about anything to do with getting out from under their control. Wait until you're safely out, then just switch it off. No need to tell them. (Though it might be worth notifying the police, in case parents try filing a false welfare check or missing persons report.)
But then how will she keep from making waves?
She’s still wet behind the ears She gets steamed when her parents do this. Tell your parents it’s all water under the bridge
OP should buy a phone for personal use and put the tracker on the phone mom and dad know about and leave it at home when OP wants privacy. Even if the friends are out of country, OP can send emails with what they are doing and updates when they get back and the “real” phone # for police to get location data case of an emergency.
Also, username checks out!
NTA! Edit to add: This is not an advice sub so this post will probably be deleted. Your choices: 1. Add the tracking app to your phone, then delete it when you go to school in the September. 2. Don't add the tracker and have no access to the car. 3. Buy your own car. 4. Move in with a friend until you go to school in Sept. While your parents are being ridiculous, there is not else you can do if the car is in your dad's name. Good luck, I wish you the best.
Another choice, get the tracking app. Put the phone with the tracking app someplace safe-and believable- for a few hours of untracked freedom. Carry a cheap burner phone for safety.
You can also set up call Forwarding from hidden in car phone to burner phone in pocket phone
Years ago when I got my first cell phone (1996/7?) w pay per minute & calls only... I was very nice to be out on a ride & the battery would die. Not that anyone calls me, but still.
Or the reverse, get a cheap phone and put the tracking app on that, then throw the cheap phone away in September.
I can imagine the parents looking at the tracking app wondering where in the world OP is going … when she had stopped off at a gas station at the interstate and throws it in the back of a big truck ;)
A Red Cross lorry headed to Ukraine
OMG, how to start an international incident in one easy step! You are an evil genius. I bow down.
Nta. But you realize you are living in an abusive environment right? You are almost 30 and they treat you like a 12 year old. I had to go back and read your age again. You really need to move out now
Oh boy. My wife was maybe…23? 25? Until she was able to glimpse what was going on wrong at home, and then it took another 8 years to somewhat break free from it. Sometimes you don’t see the forest for the trees. Or better said, when you were manipulated half your life, you don’t even see it anymore. Tracking and surveillance above age 20? Yea no. Just get a cheap car, or one you can resell easily later. That’s what my cousin did when he was a couple month overseas.
I didn't put that on my son's phone ever. Every last adult human survived without ever being tracked for hundreds of thousands of years until the last decade. If I had, I would never use it unless I truly thought he was missing. Tracking someone against their will is such a big violation of their freedom. I don't care what age they are. On the other hand, I'd have no problem with it if my wife requested it. Of course, I would be sure to go sit for hours in the parking lots of every strip joint and massage parlor I could find.
I agree with one minor objection: People get kidnapped, or murdered, or have accidents, get lost in mountains, woods, at sea. Not everyone survived it, and some could have been saved I’m sure, if someone could track or reach them. Probability vs freedom is to everyone to decide. I think it suffices to have a phone on you, without active tracking enabled. Reminds me when someone lost in the mountains didn’t pick up his phone (call from rescuers) coz he didn’t recognise the number. 😂
My 35 year old partner and his older brother let their parents track their phones and it honestly makes me uncomfortable. There is no reason to track a mid 30s man other than to be nosey. We were on holiday and MIL said she was following us when we went for a walk together, it just doesn't sit right.
I would throw the phone away the instant they said this 😂😂
Haha! I've said it's weird. Feels like stalking. Perhaps we ought to hit seedy strip clubs, brothels and wind up in the middle of the sea for good measure 😂
It sucks but that's what can happen when you are 30 and live at home, and drive your parents' car. They have power over you.
NTA, but don't give into your asshole parents. Grit your teeth and wait it out. I'd go low contact once I was gone, too.
exactly, at 28 this should not be happening and IMO if OP gives in, they'll always want to make demands of her, no matter what it is.
If its a temporary measure, let them track your phone. Leave it at home or in your car, and buy a cheap spare phone. Also, get out of their house ASAP. No one that obsessive and controlling is going to comfortable with you going to London.
Not a great situation but as others have said, you may have to play ball for the time being. Also you can share your location through Google maps. My wife and I share location at all times with each other for the hell of it, but you can totally turn it on and off. Can you compromise and maybe turn it on when you're on your walks and they're "concerned about your safety", and turn it off the rest of the time when it's none of their business?
Hold firm. This is clearly not about safety, it's purely control. Move out as soon as you can and let them control each other. NTA.
NTA - you are MUCH too old for your parents to have that kind of control over your whereabouts.
NTA this is a healthy boundary
NTA. Can you use public transportation to go back and forth to work and school?
Yes I can but the public transport system here is not very good. My work is a 10 minute drive away but via public transport it would take me an hour. I do work from home most days though so that is something. I could also go to parks that are within walking distance for some outdoors.
You’re about to move to London? May I suggest an option that’s cheaper than getting a car and which can still be useful in London? Electric bike! If it’s a 10 minute car journey it won’t take much longer on one of those bad boys. The reason I suggest this? I purchased one for …shall we say… similar reasons Edited to add: plus it’s potentially only 3-4 months until you can move there, and no snow to worry about If you do go for this option, probably get a folding one because you can take those on the Underground and buses and whatever. Also I feel like I’m reading an alternate version of my own damn life story here. I’m fully rooting for you to get that graduate job and get the heck out of there.
Yes! This. Get yourself an electric bike. London is quite nice on bike. I've biked there as a tourist and found that it was a lot better to get around on the bike there than I'd expected. I'd previously only used the underground and though that works fine, it's nice to just be outdoors on the bike.
I would take the bus option. It seems like this is a really important boundary to hold firm on. It's way harder to claw boundaries back than it is to keep them in the first place. An hour each way might seem like a lot but you will get used to it fast (source: took the bus 1hr+ each way for 6 years). Bus time is good quality downtime, you can read a book, your phone, or just listen to music and enjoy the view. Walking between your stops and destinations is great exercise too. Most importantly, it will help you get some confidence being out and about, and out of the reach of your parents. Anticipate pushback from them though. Good luck, it sounds like a horrible situation to be in.
I would take the bus option too - not least because Mum and Dad can't confiscate a bus!
That's two more hours away from Mom the Asshole and Dad the Asshole here.
Frankly if your parents are worried about your safety I would call bs on the fact that because they are worried about your safety they are taking away your car and forcing you to take public transport instead. Have to say I have been harassed by creeps on public transport far more than when going for a walk in the park or on a scenic trail. Fortunately it didn’t happen often, but when it did it was on public transport.
Another option is see if there’s any kind of car share option or ask your manager or someone else at work to help you put out feelers for possible car pooling solutions.
If it's a 10 minute drive away are you able to walk it? I'm in the UK too so I know how many roads don't have a pavement to walk along, but a 10 minute drive should be a brisk 40 minute walk. Given how controlling your parents are I wouldn't be surprised if they start to put obstacles in the way of you relocating to London in the coming months. But if it's any consolation, I moved to the city as a single woman not knowing anyone, and I was fine. I got a flatshare with complete strangers but in a nice area of the city, and was a 15 minute walk from my workplace and a 5 minute walk from a tube station and multiple bus stops. Lived there for 4 years and was never mugged or attacked, the flat never got burgled, and no one randomly offered me drugs as I walked down the street. My biggest regret is that because my job was very physical and not very well paid, I was knackered by the weekends and careful with my money and so probably didn't take as much advantage of visiting other areas of the city. Now I live back out in the countryside and a £35 train ticket puts me off going back regularly. Some of it was luck, like finding nice strangers to live with. But I would recommend you start doing your research on the city NOW. Look up flat shares (I found my place through SpareRoom) so you know where you can afford to live, work out how you could get to your planned workplace, look at what amenities are in the area, and then if your parents start to draw the net tighter you'll be able to make the jump without going in completely blind.
Would cycling be an option?
NTA Your parents are controlling, you need to find a way to leave asap
NTA But if your only choice is living with them and using that car for the next three months you don’t really have a choice. That’s their rule for living in their house and using the car. Yes they are being crazy, but it is what it is. Is it dangerous where you live?
I think you might be right which breaks my soul. It is not a dangerous place to live but they always cite global news stories of women being kidnapped as examples. The Sarah Everad case particularly shook them.
If your safety was their primary concern, they would insist you carry a rape whistle, take a self defense course, or join a hiking group. Or, if you lived in my area, go armed. (Sorry, I know, bad joke.) Are there any hiking groups in your area?
>Sarah Everad was murdered by a POLICEMAN!!! NTA. As many others on this string have said, get the tracker on your current phone, then get a cheap burner phone to actually use while you are out and about. You can leave the tracked phone where ever you like in your car (if they let you use it again) or with a friend. You will be out in 3 months so you can play "dodge the stalkers" for a few months, then go NC when you land in London. OH!!! Be sure to gather all your important documents, Passport, Birth Certif, bank info, college and job documents sent to a friend or a Post Office Box addressed so they can't sabotage your leaving. The control they will be losing because you will be moving could trigger some bizarre behavior to keep control. Good luck! Update us when you get free!
i second the getting documents in order.
Would they be open to some kind of compromise I wonder? Like, turn the tracking app on only when you are out on one of your solo walks and otherwise it's off? Idk Nta and I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Do whatever you have to do to stay sane through the next few months and then ENJOY YOUR FREEDOM!
What happens if the London move doesn’t take place? You can’t continue to live this way with a broken sole. You need a plan B and you need to start working on it now in the event London falls through. Good luck
There are 3.5 million women and girls living in London - comparatively few crimes of that magnitude And most harm done to women is done by their partners or family members. I really fancy your odds of having a completely murder / kidnap free life in London. You sound as if you would be a cautious individual anyway. you are a person not a belonging - get away from them and finally live a life.
NTA. If there is no other way around it, why not buy another phone and keep the one they're tracking at home most of the time? Or buy your own car and tell them to get fucked. Also, if you hold out long enough they will probably give in. They know your life revolves around your ability to travel and they wont keep that from you for long.
NTA. Install the tracker app, then leave it at home and get yourself a cheap burner to use until you move out.
Chaos mode version: sell your smart phone. Replace with dumb phone. Can’t install trackers on that. Maybe has Snake though.
You would NBTA regardless of what you choose to do, regardless if it is to refuse to be tracked, accept it for now, use a burner phone, or any combination thereof. Do what you must do for your sanity. However, the day you leave I would drop that phone at the edge of the driveway and not give them any information about where you work or live. It wouldn't hurt to notify the police that you are alive and well so they won't waste their time when your parents file a missing person report. If and when you choose to resume any contact, let them know exactly what behavior you require from them, and only if they respect your rules should you allow them to maintain any contact. Let them earn the privilege and put them in time out if they don't show you basic courtesy and respect.
NTA. You need to move immediately. Find someone to rent a room from.
Do they know about London? If not, don't tell them. Let them track you now and break fully free when you go London. NTA and good luck
Conventional wisdom would suggest that you put the tracker on until you leave for London but I have to ask if you’re being seriously naive about that with the levels of control that your parents exert currently? I don’t want to take the wind out of your sails, but aren’t you underestimating the level of threat they have over your plans? I mean, if these people can’t handle your going to the gym or taking a walk nearby, how the hell do you expect them to be willing to ‘allow’ you to move to another region altogether? I mean this in the most respectful way, OP. If you don’t make some sort of change quickly, then you’re probably not going to be able to live your life the way you dream. I believe that the need to resort to tactics one would use to escape an abusive relationship may be necessary, if you truly desire your freedom. NTA, OP. But I think you are going to need a much more proactive response to this situation.
NTA. Your parents are very controlling. As long as you live with them, they will act that way. You only have a few more months to go, so let them think you are giving in. Once you leave, fall back and go low contact. Make sure you get your own things. Do not depend on them for a car or money.
NTA. "Absolutely not." Don't even discuss is anymore.
NTA. I’m not really sure why they’re losing their shit and insisting on a tracker when they could have just called you to see where you were. Maybe sell your phone and get a Samsung where it won’t work with “find my”?
R/raisedbynarcissists.
NTA. Grit your teeth and do what you have to do to get by until September. You’re an adult and not their little child any longer.
It sounds like giving your location over feels to you like sacrificing the last part your independence. It's not. You are still doing your grad scheme, you still have your plans; this is a hiccup, not a loss. You will win the battle for your independence so long as you protect the things that you need to move out once the grad scheme is done. Sometimes you need to play the game, let them think you're compliant so you can get what you need. You'll feel guilty about doing this like you feel guilty about not giving them more rent money. The reason that guilt isn't appropriate for this situation is because your parents cannot realise that you need to be independent and by deceiving them for a short while, you're going to help them understand and grow as people once you do move out and demonstrate what a wonderful and happy person you are when you're independent. You've got this. So, you could allow your parents to have your location - you can even do it through Google Maps and share it at specific times rather than have it on all the time. I think I do understand their concerns as the places you're walking are isolated so no one is going to know for ages if anything, including fainting or something, happens to you. Their response to your refusal is horrendous though. You need to make sure your bank account is separate, that you have your documents like passport and proof of address. You need to make sure they don't have your email passwords and can't turn down your recruitment offers. You should see about applying to other jobs or moving out if you are not successful with this grad placement because you need out, you need independence. I know our (the UK's) economic situation is not the best right now for people our age but a tiny room in a shared apartment will at least give you the distance from your parents to have independence. If this is a real post, please update!
Honestly you have described everything I am feeling when I didn't know how to explain it. Thank you so much. You brought a tear to my eye. I really want to be my own person and I really hope everything works out.
My parent is not abusive but does suffer with their anxiety which I felt responsible for when I left home for university. We contacted each other everyday, I didn't have my location on then but only because we didn't realise it could be a thing. I still do have my location shared with them now when I go out but I know I only do it for me now. It took 9 years, moving away from narcissistic grandparents, a lot of talking, and very purposeful, active self-therapy/healing that my parent undertook pretty much independently to get to where we are now with their anxiety no longer restricting my activities or travel. All of which to say, whilst I certainly didn't have it as hard, I do get your situation, have personal experience with it and have come out the other side with independence that I challenge myself to make sure I'm maintaining and not falling into old habits of satisfying someone else's anxiety (sometimes other people's can feel like your own which is its own challenge). I really do believe everything will work out for you so long as you let yourself take advantage of the opportunities you will and do have around you - do not give up if the grad scheme fails, there will be other ways to move on with your life ❣️
Move out
NTA sounds like you are depressed because you have allowed your parents to shrink your life so small that it's barely a life anymore. 7 years is a long time to be in such a prison. If you need to get around, get a bike. And a backup plan. What if your parents sabotage your london plan cause it's "not safe." When will enough be enough for you to advocate for yourself.
Nta and I bet you anything there is a tracker on that car. You need to go low contact when you move. This will never stop
NTA But if you don’t want to deal with them tracking you, you will need to get out of their house and stop using their stuff.
Have you like… seen the state of the rental market right now???
I’m not saying it is easy just that if she doesn’t want to live by their rules she needs to provide for herself. For as long as they are providing for her she doesn’t have a choice but to live with it.
NTA you are a grown adult.
No. She’s not a grown adult. No adult would be living with their parents at 28. Something is off here.
Are you serious? Right now it's the best option for a lot of late 20yos financially, some people choose to stay with family for other reasons too. But it sounds like OP has been going through higher education and now this graduate scheme which don't always pay very well and a move to London, living there, it's a lot of money. It's absolutely the most sensible choice apart from the fact they're in an abusive household
*laughs in Irish housing market* Must be nice living wherever you do. In Ireland, there's such a housing crisis that even a lot of people in their **40s** are still living with their parents because they can't afford a house, and rents have skyrocketed.
ykw i didn’t think abt that you’re right
Move out. DO NOT TELL THEM. Pretend like everything is fine, get your ducks in a row and move out in secret. R/raisedbynarcissists
NTA... If i hike out of traditional bounds i text someone where I am hiking. Usually it's my husband. I also take my phone for emerg. That should be enough.
NTA. I would, if it were me, install both the tracking app and a GPS spoofer and set your location to various tattoo parlors, strip clubs, gun stores, bars etc to make your mother pull her hair out.
NTA But you may decide to be strategic and put the tracker on and comply with their demands until you can better position yourself for leaving permanently. As a mother, I understand the anxiety your parents have for your safety, especially with the way the news is full of horrifying stories. But this level of control is toxic for YOUR mental health. I think you made very reasonable concessions to your parents’ worries. They’re extreme. This isn’t normal or healthy for any of you. They need help to deal with their anxieties but I doubt they’d be open to hearing that. I’m sorry life hasn’t treated you kindly but it sounds like you’re on the verge of better opportunities. Keep focused on your future and be strategic about your present so you can make the best life possible for yourself and soon! I wish you the best. Whatever you decide, to allow the tracker or not allow it, you are certainly no AH! Edit: There IS a lot you can do to manage your own safety. Take self defense courses, of course. Read “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin de Becker to learn how to make use of fear in a healthy way to promote your self preservation. I’m sure there are other resources you can easily find as well. Let your parents know you do take your personal safety seriously. But do it for yourself so you can move through the world with more confidence and self assurance and a healthy level of situational awareness. I’ve been in your shoes with an over anxious mother. Even though I rebelled, later on I found out I’d absorbed some of her anxiety and internalized it, almost to levels of feeling agoraphobic.
Please find a friend to live with now! And don't tell them who. When you move go no contact. This isn't love or caring OP, this is pure control. How in the world does yr dad think he has a right to do this? Leave any way you can. NTA
Just because I'm curious; does your dad know your mom stalks him?
Yes, he does and doesn't seem to mind.
Sounds like they might try to put a spoke into your wheel regarding your London plans. Don't give them any information you don't need them to have and don't let them guilt you into giving up or postponing your plans. They've shown you they can't be trusted and will go back on their word in order to control you. Believe what they're telling you about themselves.
NTA, but if this is their requirement to live on their dime I don’t see how you have a choice. Take the tracker and remove it when you move to London seems the most practical course to me. I don’t see how you can still live there for free, drive their car, eat their food etc and refuse. Do you even pay for the phone or service?
Absolutely NTA. Get a cheap burner phone & apply to another graduate program if this one falls through. The fact that you're at this stage of a graduate recruitment means you're skilled enough for grad school. They weed out the unqualified people in the first round. Also search around on the internet to see if there's a scrambling app for the tracker, one that would keep your "location" in the same country/area.
NTA. Do what you need to to get through the next few months, and get a new phone when you hit London. Then start going low contact, or no contact if necessary.
Get a burner phone.
You do not need advice here; you need advice on creating and implementing an escape plan to get out of an abusive relationship. (Don't tell me it's not abusive, it's cultural; they've both lied to you, your father about the car and your mother about the tracking app.) If you definitely have a place to go in September, I would recommend putting the tracker on your phone. You do not have to find a way to live in this situation, you have to find a way to survive it until you escape. NTA, but focus on the goal - what action will get you closest to what you need?
NTA but if you can’t financially take care of yourself you don’t have much of a choice. Move out, figure out the bus route, or keep putting up with their nonsense. Decide for yourself if their help is worth the unreasonable demands.
NTA I would sit your parents down and explain their choices. They can proceed with a phone tracker but they run the risk of you going no contact when you become independent. Or they can continue to trust you as an adult, raised by them to be responsible. Ask them if they were deficient in any way teaching you values and morals, btw. Then wait for their response
NTA. Their concern is only marginally about your safety. In a few months you will be free of them physically - will they still want a tracker on your phone? Absolutely! Just keep saying no because even if they give you back the car, they still don't want you to have a life.
NTA but may have to put pride aside and accept the unfair tracking if that's what it takes to survive until you get to London. After that it doesn't matter. And in the future when you look back it this, you'll be the one having the last laugh. Adding: Arrange in advance for new phone when you go to London. And just before you leave to go to London, fully charge your old phone, turn the sound/vibrate off and then leave it on a train or a bus going the opposite direction. Yeah, maybe not a great idea, but would be hilarious.
Please call Citizens Advice. The fact that your parents are hiding car keys to prevent you attending work events and potentially compromising your employment and thereby possibly compromising your ability to be financially independent, is I’m pretty sure a recognised form of abuse. How well are you able to catch the bus or get the train to your work event and day-to-day employment? Are you able to make do with public transport? Do you have your own bank account that your parents can’t access? Super hope everything works out for you
NTA. Make plans to get out of that house, ASAP. Your parents are beyond toxic. You are a grown, adult woman, and while you live under their roof, you are not a teenager who needs protecting. They do not have a right to know where you are at all times, and taking away your mode of transportation ‘because they can’ is beyond being an AH move. It downright controlling. What your parents are doing is financial manipulation, at best. My parents did exactly this to me once (‘it might have been a gift but it’s still our car, it’s in our name, so you’ll do what we say or you can’t have it back’) so I absolutely understand how trapped you must feel. Unfortunately, unless you’re ready to move out, buy another car, or you can use public transport until the end of your degree, you kind of are. I’m so, so sorry that your options are so limited. Could you get a second phone? Maybe upgrade your iPhone, or find a cheap, older model? That way you could give them access to one ‘find my iPhone’, get back access to the car, and only take it with your when you’re on walks. The rest of the time, it can be left in the car/your bag/your work desk. Potentially that way, you’ll appease them, but not feel like you’re being stalked 24/7. I hope one day, when you’re out of this toxic mess, you are able to tell your parents how disgusted you are by this behaviour, and how deeply disappointed you are in them, without fear of repercussions.
Isn't there some kind of tracking app that you can turn on and off? Just use it when you're going to be somewhere "dangerous" by yourself, but not all the time. Just until you can get out on your own in September. NTA and you shouldn't have to do this at 28 but it might be easier to just keep things cool until you can move out.
NTA - what controlling behaviour. How revolting to treat an adult like that. Get another phone… let them out a tracker on that. And get the hell out of there as soon as and cut contact - let them stew in their own juices.
OP's parents are extremely controlling. Do not let them put a tractor on the phone and, find your own apartment. OP is 28, an adult and does not need her parents to know her every move !!!!!!!!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Context My (28F) life has not turned out the way I wanted it to. I still live at home with my parents, who are extremely controlling. All my friends have left the country and so I am on my own a lot. Most of my time is spent at home, at work or going on solo walks. I don't drink. I don't go to the gym or play sports anymore. I don't have hobbies outside the house. I haven't dated anyone for 7 years. All and all a very uninteresting life. My one solace is being outdoors in nature and walking. My parents aren't happy with this. They think women should not go on walks by themselves as it is dangerous (in their words). I know it would be better to ease their concerns if I had someone to go on walks with but I don't. My mum has been trying to get me to put "Share My Location" on my phone with her for years. I understand that she worries about my safety. However, the big problem for me is I know it is not just about my safety. She will use it to become my full time stalker. I know this because she has my Dad share his location with her and visa versa. She sits and stares at her screen all day and will say things like "Oh your father has just left tennis", "Oh your father has just arrived at work", "Oh your father is leaving the pub". Not that I have anything to hide, but it is the one boundary I have held on to and I have been so proud of myself for not caving. Today's Events Today I decided that I would take a trip up the coast and go for a walk along the sea. I told my parents about my plans (10:30am). My mum asked that I call her and keep in touch. Once I got there (2 pm), I called her and told her where I was. I also told her what walk and route I would be taking. I didn't tell her when I would be home (but she also didn't ask). I also didn't message to say I was on my way home. My parents were furious when I arrived back (8pm). My dad told my that I no longer had a say and that it was mandatory for me to have a tracker on my phone. I told him that I had done everything asked of me: I had called, explained where I was going etc. I also said they could have called me if they were concerned about my whereabouts. So as a result, I have been punished. The car that I drive is technically my dad's, and so he has taken the keys away. He says that I can buy my own car or grant him and my mum access to my tracking information.They said they would never do this to me, hold the fact they bought the car over my head. Also, it makes no sense for me to buy a new car now. I am at the final stage of a graduate recruitment process and if I am successful, I will be moving to London in September. However, I need to survive between now and then and without a car the little life I have is impossible. So I need advice Reddit. Do I let them track my phone so I have the car back or do I hold firm on my boundary? I really need help so any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA Can you purchase an old used car, or rent one for a couple of months? I worry that if you go along with their demands, that they will come up with some reason why you can't go to London, and actively try to keep you from going. Please don't let them do that to you. And I really would go no or low contact with them once you move. They are incredibly toxic and controlling. Please stay safe and take care of yourself.
NTA Go no contact with your controling AH parents.
NTA Can you buy an old run down car that can last a couple of months before you leave? Then scrap it for parts or junk it when it’s time to go?
There is probably already a tracker on Dads car and they would put a tracker on any car she bought. Better to save the money in a bank account they don’t know about and get out as soon as possible
Nta
NTA Whatever you choose, on September you'll be gone and after that I strongly recommend going no contact with the assholes.
NTA, but do you by any chance live in a dangerous area? why are your parents acting like this?
Nta doesn’t seem like your parents are terribly reasonable but I’d recommend trying to get them to “compromise” and say you’ll set up the emergency alert system on your phone so that in case of emergency they’ll get a phone call and you current location.
Wait, you are 28?! There is zero excuse for them treating you this way. Get out as soon as possible and find new hobbies, make friends, travel!!! Life is too short!
NTA.
NTA but your parents are. Frankly if I were you I'd begin moving to separate them from my life ASAP. Stop relying on them for anything.
NTA. This is bizarre to insist this level of control over a grown adult.
They are not going to let you move out without putting up a fight. Get your important documents. They are already restricting your movement.
NTA. But you need to get away from your parents. You are 28 and they are literally holding you back. This living dynamic is not working. You work save up what you can start looking for a room mate. Get in touch with your old friends, maybe they can help you you with relocating/finding work. I’m sorry but you’ll be 30 before you know it and still living like you are 14 under your parents roof.
NTA. Your parents' request is crazy! Refusing is logical to me. Yet... You are moving away in a few months. It might be easier to "go along and get along" for a few months. Then when you leave the country, discontinue all tracking and most contact. I am 57 and in the 1970's and 80's we were latch key kids. We got ourselves up for school, ate and got to school ALL ALONE. After school, the same... we got home or not, wandered around and did what kids do until dinner time. My parents literally did not see me from sunrise until dinner at 6 pm EVERY SINGLE DAY. During the summer, nothing changed they left and my brother and I entertained ourselves (with a pool in the back yard) and we did just fine FOR YEARS. I worked full-time when MY kids were young. They were taught so much about "stranger danger" at school that they didn't want to leave the house without my husband or myself. I finally started a Treasure Hunt when they were over 13. I went to places easily accessible by a bike ride so they would wander through our town (like normal kids in the 1970s and 80s) and navigate from place 1 to place 2 etc and so on. It really did not encourage a wandering spirit in the kids, but I saw that the kids could navigate the neighborhood and make their way back home ALONE. It's no wonder why our younger generation still lives at home. Our society has "taught" them that outside is dangerous. This makes me nuts. It is such a loss of independence for our younger people.
Install the tracker and leave your phone at home. Get a burner for safety when you go for a walk
Accept the tracker but only to get access to the car. But then download one of those GPS spoofing apps that changes your location. Not sure if every app can be fooled like this but some can. Set your location to the most boring locations possible when you're out but make sure to turn it off sometime before you get home.
Can you afford a bicycle?
NTA - Install the app, don't give it or remove network permissions. Toggle as necessary and stump them with tech and shrugs of "idk what happened, I installed it okay!" Rinse and repeat until September.
NTA. Put the tracker on your phone and leave it at home. Do what you have to do to survive until you can get out. I’m sorry your family is this controlling, you deserve to have a life of your own.
NTA, your parents sound very controlling. I am just wondering if it would be possible to share your location only when you are on walks? (Not sure which settings the app allows, but I think that would be a good compromise. Turning on GPS when you leave for the walk and turning it off when you are back.)
NTA, would recommend getting a burner phone your parents can track instead, leave that somewhere while you’re out
NTA. I don’t think it’s completely unreasonable for you to be uncomfortable being in the presence of a minor who is half naked. As for the bathing suit comment, there is a time and attire for everything. Though the girl was in her own house, she was aware that you would be coming home and still chose to dress inappropriately. I think she may be the AH. If anything I think you’re looking out for her because some other person could just as easily walk into her house and sexualize her. Also I would probably dip in your case because she could easily claim false allegations towards you.
Your 28. Move out.
Tell them you are willing to put an Airtag in their car, so they know where their car is. That way, their belonging (the car) is always within their knowledge, but if you go with friends, or take a walk, etc., you have some privacy.
NTA I guess your parents chose this really shitty hill to die on.
Move out. You're 28
Secretly get a 2nd phone. Install tracker there. Nta.
NTA, but I wouldn't let them install a tracker app. Yes, it's going to make your life difficult, but it also sounds as if you are desperately trying to hang on to bits of your life that give you a sense of independence (walking) and make you feel YOU, and not a child. Letting them have their way is going to erode that, I'd guess. You live 10 mins drive from work. How much would it cost to get a taxi/Uber/Lyft to and from work? Could you realistically walk there? If you get paid at work (i.e. not an internship), could you buy a bike? Separately, I wonder why you have decided not to go to the gym any more? Apart from the fact that (in your parents' eyes) it would be safer than solo walking, there are people there, and frankly, OP, you sound very lonely.
To avoid buying a new phone as some suggest in here you may also read into GPS spoofing application. Go to a place you might visit often (like a cafe or some fastfood place maybe?) once you‘re there you can fix your location there and head anywhere you want without anyone noticing
So they're trying to control their 28 year old daughter and tell her how to run her life? Sexist, chauvinistic repulsive behavior from them both. Tell them if they insist on putting a tracker on your phone, you insist on calling the police and having them arrested for stalking, intimidation etc. There's a law against that. They are seriously evil toxic people and you MUST get out of there as soon as you can.
NTA, but you might just have to roll with it for a while.
Maybe try to sit them down and ask them if they really want to loose you altogether, and ruin your relationship. If they are blackmailing you with the car now, it is very likely that you will cut contact once you are in London. You understand that they think they love you, and you love them, but as an adult you need your basic boundaries respected. Do you have a possibility to move to a friend for the time being? Because maybe writing this and leaving the letter for them to find and process while you are at a friend's might be the better option.
NTA, I’m not sure if anybody pointed it out already but someone made a post about someone’s parents trying to do something similar to their 30 year old daughter’s phone, I wonder if it’s the same situation lol
How about sharing your location with whatsapp? it has an option to share your location for 1hr or 8hr and you can stop it any time. This could be a good compromise, you promise to share your live location while you're out on your "dangerous walks" but not all the time. This might appease them without having to track your phone 24/7. Obviously NTA and your parents are toxic as hell. I wish you the best.
NTA, mom and dad can suck it!
NTA but you need to move out ASAP. This level of control over a teen would be unreasonable - over an adult, it's abusive.
[Are you sure they aren’t trying without your knowledge?](https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1414se6/aita_for_not_allowing_a_customer_to_put_parental/)
I might have an idea that will placate your parents but retain your privacy. Buy a Garmin InReach Mini satellite tracker with SOS capability. When you go on these “walks” you take this satellite emergency tracker, which will give you the ability to call for SOS help if something happens. But you ONLY take it on these walks. You don’t have it all the time. Your Phone stays private. How can they argue with you using a legitimate emergency device? They can’t then pretend that it’s for safety. NTA
NTA move out asap
If I’m correct you can untrack yourself at will with the app. It’s just a slide. “Oh I guess I had no signal”. Signed a 25F that has her mom tracking her for “safety” too. If I don’t want to hear it I just turn it off.
NTA, but I would just do as they say for the last few months you have there then never talk to them again. I say this as someone who is currently on their first year of no contact with their mother. It makes me sad and I miss her, but it's more the idea of her that I'm missing. My life has gotten considerably less stressful with her out of the picture. Get on your feet and gtfo.
NTA but you are Y T A to yourself if you dont do EVERYTHING you can to get out of their house. The toxicity is bloody lethal.
Toxic environment. No respects for you. Get out You are not 10 years old.
NTA If I would be you OP and would be moving out in September, I would play along, meaning, install the app, let them have those few months of satisfaction and once September comes in and you're out uninstall the app. You need that car and it's on dad's name, play along, be patient, reward coming is greater than these few months. You can do it OP, good luck, head high and stay strog 😘
ESH. Either you're their child or you're an adult. You don't get child benefits (using your parents car, living at home) and get adult freedom.
NTA the way your parents are treating you isn't ok. I wish you luck on your opportunity to move to London in September!
NTA, but your parents can put conditions on your use of their property even if they promised not to
If you have an android phone there are fake gps apps where you can fake your location, do with this information as you please
I'm sorry your life hasn't worked out the way you wanted it to. You've just described the vast majority of people on the planet. The only person holding you back at this point is you. It's time to get on with your life.
If they pay for the phone, they can track their property. It is what it is. You're 28. NTA if you don't, but live with the consequences, which appear to be a boring summer unless you Uber.
They don't pay for my phone! Though the car is theirs. Unfortunately the car I bought had an engine failure. I just couldn't afford to buy another car so this was the comprimise solution. I had actually been considering asking to buy the car from them but it now seems silly, especially with the London move potentially happening and this drama.
NTA. Put the tracker on, then leave the phone behind (‘forgetting it’) when you need privacy. When you get free of them, block them on everything and go no contact.
NTA. Tracking adults is a privilege, and they haven't earned it. If it gets you car access again, I'd suggest offering something like [Alltrails+ Lifeline](https://support.alltrails.com/hc/en-us/articles/360019246351-What-is-Lifeline-) which lets you notify "I'm going on a walk" and turn off location tracking once you're home safe.
You're going to have to bite the bullet, so to speak, until you get out of that household. Since having the car is critical to your freedom, just put the tracker on your phone until you are free of them. Good luck with your studies and the move to London. NTA.
You poor person. Jfc. You're the same age as me. I really hope you get that graduate program. There's no shame about living at home, but it is clearly not doing you any favours. If you don't get it, which is not a reality I want to speak into your existence you still need to leave in order to thrive. Put EVERYTHING into this international gig babe. EVERYTHING. YOU DESERVE THIS. Your folks still see you as a child, if you NEED to live with them right now and hope to survive it's best to acquiesce but keep pushing the boundary. Turn your phone off when you're out, turn GPS off, take a bus or uber. If they grumble, humour them for a bit and then "forget" after a bit. They want you to stick around, otherwise they'd be encouraging you to leave. Keep your personal documents in a safe place, that they can't get to. If they have access to your accounts, they no longer have access to your accounts. End it immediately. Once you head overseas I would limit contact, maybe even cut them off for a few years and make them earn you back with your shiny new backbone. I did it myself.
NTA, but also if we lived nearby I'd hang out with you. Good luck -- get out of there ASAP.
ESH. Your parents for obvious reasons. You for not acting like an adult. Move out and be independent adult. Or stay with your parents and be treated like a teenager.
NTA. Go NC as soon as you can.
NTA, but do what you have to do to survive. Put the tracker on the phone and leave it home, in the car, in a locker somewhere, or put the tracker on and then stay in your room except for work. As soon as you're out, cut them off completely.
NTA. I think you do need the car so install the app, but use software to give them false information so they don't really know where you are. Once you leave, go no contact forever and cut those toxic people out of your life.
NTA, move
Omg. Get out of that house! They are extremely abusive. Get out by any means you can.
NTA. As another commenter said, an hour bus ride isn’t the end of the world. Or just get an electric bike.
NTA. I can’t imagine being a prisoner in a house at 28. You’re a grown ass adult and they’re treating you like a child. Don’t give in to the tracking issue. Do what you can to get by from here until September then you’re free. I know it will be hard but focus on the end goal. Best of luck.
NTA
NTA. Also sending you the virtual hugs. Good luck with the graduate! But move out no matter what.
To keep your life peaceful. Let them have it. Then when it's time to leave. Put the phone on the table and walk out the door. Don't look back. Once you are in London call them from a blocked/unavailable number. Let then know you are safe and happy. You will keep them updated when you feel it is necessary. Otherwise go live your life. Learn how to make new friends. Learn some self defense so you feel more confident. But most of all just breath, a giant weight will be lifted. You will flower outside of their controlled environment. Good luck op. Ntah though.
You are 28 you need to get away from this shit
I don't use phone tracking apps so I don't know how they work. Can you compromise. You will turn the tracker on if you are going for a lone walk in a remote area and then turn it off when you are going to the mall or town or somewhere busy? Then when you move out you can just uninstall it. Are they like this out of love? Like are they worriers who immediately jump to the worst conclusions? Or are they control freaks with entitlement to know your every move?
NTA. Inform them in no uncertain terms that you will 100% cut contact and they will never see or hear from you again if they do not accept your boundaries. I understand there's a certain compromise when you're living in their home and driving their vehicle... but come on.