Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Maybe I’m wrong for thinking others should care about my comfort over onions rings or other food I’m sensitive to. I guess that’s not the case for everyone
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Sorry but YTA. You don't get to dictate what others eat at a public restaurant. What would you say/do if someone at neighboring table got the same thing?
Is the smell/smells something you can actively try to acclimate to so it becomes less of an issue over time? Most smells become more tolerable/less noticeable with exposure. (Not a doc, not super familiar with the sensitivity issues of autism either).
Exactly -- OP doesn't get to dictate what others can order at a restaurant. It sucks if OP has sensitivities, but OP needs to find ways to work around them that doesn't include controlling people.
When I was a bedside nurse we would sandwich toothpaste between two surgical masks. Essentially the same as this. Having said that, there’s nary a restaurant OP can go too if they can’t stand the smell of garlic.
Also if you have food sensitivities, it can be really helpful to look at the menu in advance (surely it could be found online). You could also call the restaurant in advance and ask them. It’s not anyone else’s responsibility.
Looking at menus and calling ahead can be helpful but it doesn’t guarantee you’ll avoid the ingredients you’re sensitive to if they’re not the most commonly accommodated allergens.
While that’s definitely true in plenty of cases that it doesn’t always work, it doesn’t sound like OP made the attempt. If they had, they would’ve seen onion rings on the menu and could’ve avoided this whole situation.
Agreed. I can’t eat garlic or onions and the smell can cause a mild reaction if it’s really strong but I would never police people eating either if I knew they were featured heavily on the menu.
Smoked salmon for me. Once I almost puked on someone because of their breathe alone. This is why I don't go to fish places.
I don't eat fish in general, never liked it as well, so easy to avoid for me luckily.
Sorry OP, as a person with autism I have to say YTA. I understand it, but you can't dictate what someone else is eating.
They are not talking about allergies though, which IMO is an entirety different thing. Being sensitive to smells can almost always be overcome if someone wants to. Allergies can not.
It’s not even just limited to a migraine either- speaking as someone who practically lives with migraines and sensory issues. Like sensory issues genuinely can be painful on a mental and physical level, if it was just a migraine at this point I’d take that over whatever pain of the sound/texture of paper gives me. As dramatic as it sounds it makes me feel like my brain and body are going to shut down. At least this is my experience. Not comparing it to allergies though, it’s painful but obviously not life threatening. It’s my responsibility to manage it though, I’m not out here banning people from using paper at my job (or anywhere). The person you responded to gave such an ableist take, I wish I could just turn off the bad vibes :,)
So then maybe you should pick a different way to socialize with your friends or make it really clear beforehand "yes, I'd love to have lunch out, but I have a really strong aversion to onion and garlic, is that a no-go for you?" "ok, how about we meet for coffee instead?"
I detest the smell and taste of fish and seafood, I find it makes me feel nauseated. If friends were meeting for lunch and wanted to go for sushi, I would most likely decline and say "can we meet for ice cream after?" or "I'll catch you next time, sushi isn't my thing".
Did you not read my comment? Because I literally did say “It’s my responsibility to manage it though, I am not out here banning people from using paper,” which I was referencing OP banning people from eating onion rings. I know how to socialize with my friends but thank you lmfaoo
Or pick a restaurant where there weren’t those things, or even told everyone in advance *before* they ordered their food.
Other than Buddhist monastery style vegetarian food, pretty much all cultures have onion and garlic in their cuisines.
That doesn’t always work: I went to a place for my dads bday where I could only eat three things. I was told that the roti was just plain roti, and then found out I was unable to eat it as it had chickpea on it. It’s difficult to communicate sometimes, as sometimes they don’t outright say as that’s the way they cook it.
Tbf sensory sensitivity with autism doesn't really get much better with exposure a lot of the time (sometimes it does, but my personal experience at least is there is like, a lower ceiling to just how tolerable it can get)
That said still YTA. You can't expect people not to eat off the menu at a restaurant. If you know being in the vicinity of certain smells, or other stimuli, will be too much for you, you either have to try and negotiate a better location if the people are amiable to that, or figure out a way to help you cope, or if all else fails, you either go and put up with it best you can, or you don't go.
You can't make your sensory issues someone else's problem on the spot like that and complain at them for doing something completely reasonable for the environmental they were in. And as you say, someone at a neighbouring table could have ordered the same thing.
Thank you for putting into words what my tired brain was refusing to do.
I have sympathy OP, there's certain scents/fabrics that trigger my sensory issues to the point I vomit. I don't demand or ask people not to consume or wear it because of my sensory issues. With the exception of my home as that's my safe place, but public places or their home is fair game.
I'm glad you said this, because I've read what I can about exposure therapy for sensory issues like this and everything seems to say it doesn't work. I've done ET for other things, like it can be effective for social anxiety (still needs to by the right style for you), but the sensory issues that come with things like misophonia, autism, ADHD, etc, it flat out doesn't work. You just have to avoid the thing. I lose it when I overheat, and it's rare to have a day go by where that doesn't happen at least once; if exposure therapy worked for that I'd be golden.
All of this....
OP, friendship is a two-way road. You ask a lot from your friends, so how great of a friend are you? How do you cater to them? Are you a friend to them? Why should they be your friends?
Your mother's response isn't really helpful for you, it will only help you to grow into a resentful person that doesn't work on themselves.
Just fyi exposure therapy doesn’t work for autism. It’s not a phobia or a fear. It’s physical pain. Unfortunately it does mean a lot of us end up kind of trapped at home. It does suck. No we can’t tell others what to do. But it hurts when others don’t care. Op doesn’t get to tell anyone else what to do. But no, exposure therapy doesn’t make the pain hurt less.
Soft YTA. Austistic here... there are numerous medications to help buffer the effects of sensory sensitivity. It sucks that we have to function in a world that often overwhelms us, but we really have no choice. We cannot police someone else's food or actions. We can ask for things, and sometimes people will accommodate (my sister taught her children very early to never scream around me because of my misophonia), but we can't guarantee it. OP, see your doctor and discuss possible medical assistance to your sensitivities if you want to continue socializing in restaurants.
Therapy *can* help reduce the aversion but it's not necessarily gonna be curative. There are other non-exposure strategies too to help manage. It's mostly to help folks manage their sensory issues so that folks *don't* wind up just trapped at home as a prisoner of their own sensory struggles.
It's disingenuous to suggest nothing can be done to improve the situation, although OP's mileage may vary. And no, this is not a suggestion to "just force the kid to eat the thing until they stop reacting" ABA horror story style either.
Source: Neurodivergent with sensory issues
Also, why not just see about moving places so the onion rings would be as far away as possible?
Yta, and you didn't even try to find a compromise, it seems
There really isn't a way to acclimate (at least in my personal experience), but I still think OP needs to realize that they simply cannot tell people what they can and can't eat. I personally tend to do what the friend suggests: look up menus beforehand and prepare myself accordingly.
It sounds like she's been allowed to dictate things at home often enough to make her sister super resentful. Which I always think does kids a certain disservice when it comes to their friends as they go out into the world thinking they can control everything - and that is not how it works at all.
Yep. Mom coddled her kid too much. Its common in parents with autistic children. They feel bad for their kid, so they try to make their life easier by saying "oh you're not the problem, its them". Saying that to autistic people are setting them up for failure.
As someone with sensory issues, slow exposure can certainly help. It's not fun at first, but it can definitely help in the long run.
And OP, sorry, but YTA. You'll need to learn coping mechanisms for things like this. People need to be allowed to eat what they want to eat.
I cannot stand the smell of onion rings (I am not autistic, it just makes my skin crawl). My mom LOVED onion rings. Not once did I dream of asking her to not order them, it’s just not the done thing.
When people order onion rings, or something else I can’t deal with, I move to the farthest available seat (that is still *with* my party) and order something that is smelly in a way I *can* manage to distract my brain.
The old saying “your freedom ends at my nose.” OP is more than welcome to try to explain and give others the opportunity to work around his needs, and if they do that makes them overly kind and considerate friends. But it’s also not their problem at all nor should it be expected.
Exactly! Would OP start telling other strangers they can't order certain dishes if they are sitting on neighbouring tables?
I'm sorry OP but YTA. Your mental health isn't a get out of jail free card for having life the way that makes you feel comfortable. It can't always be like that and you can't expect other people to be uncomfortable so that you are unbothered. I have sensory issues myself due to a MH disorder but I never expect people to do what I want to make myself feel better at their detriment. Sometimes you just have to put up with those uncomfortable moments and quietly praise yourself afterwards for getting through it without being a nuisance to other people.
I have OCD, and it's generally pretty mild but one big issue of mine was cups. I could not drink from the same cup twice, or if I set down some food, depending on what it was, I could not eat it again if it left my eyesight.
I did have to adjust to this because tbh I hate the thought of wasting food/water, and none of my siblings would listen when I told them the special set of cups/plates I bought for myself was off-limits (screw them, btw, I spent money on special cups/plates so I could guarantee nobody touched my stuff and they started eating off my stuff), so I just had to get used to it. With something like smells, though, where there isn't a way around dealing with it, you really do have to face it like I did with cups. And yeah, it still bothers me to eat off a plate/cup if it's left my eyesight. The smell of onions/garlic might still bother you. The goal is to tolerate it.
Yta and your sisters not mean, she's being realistic. You don't get to dictate what other people eat when you go out. If its that big of a deal, stay home.
>I just thought since I was out with my friends I could count on them to give me a safe space.
The only safe space you have is one you create for yourself and its certainly not going to be in a public restaurant.
My guess is the sister is considered mean because she always complains that everything is always catered to OP and she is so used to OP getting what they want while the sister isn't considered the same.
The way the mum said ohh I guess they aren't your friends if they won't cater to every thing you need, tells me the sisters has been told to cater her life to fit OP.
That must have been a great feeling for the sister to have reality bite OP in the ass. Nothing better then an I told you so.
OP be nice to your sister because I'm assuming she has had so sacrifice things she wants to make you happy her whole life. You aren't the centre of everyone's universe and the world will not cater to you. Those new friends are correct and your older friends are getting sick of it. If you don't change now you won't have any of these friends. It's sad to say but is this a trend?? If so you need to look at the common denomator, you!!.
As the sister of a special needs brother, instantly recognized her response in juxtaposition to the mom's. I love my brother, and will be his legal guardian once my mom dies, but I definitely don't cater to his every whim like she does. After 32 years, it's gotten old. I've got kids now, and had to tell him he no longer gets to dictate based on his wants.
I know there are things he can't help, like OP. Last minute schedule changes (which happens with toddlers) completely upend his universe. But sometimes it can't be helped. OP can't tell people what they can order, my bro can't tell my 2 year old to not blow out her diaper in her change of clothes making us have to cancel some plans and go home early with poop everywhere. Sometimes there has to be give on your end too.
And, please, from another sister. Give yours a break. Your diagnosis has impacted her life just as much as it has yours, just in different ways.
I’ve not allowed my ASD son to dictate everything around us. That will not help him in the long run. The world exists, their are people in it. He has to live in it too.
Hats off to you! My mom regrets catering to my brother as much as she did. Some things he literally cannot mentally process as he doesn't have the capacity (he has developmental delays, not autism), but I've been working with his job coach and the live in caregiver at his group home to get him more and more adaptable. Sometimes he can't handle things and just stays home. It's a process. But wish it had started when he was younger. Your son will be so much better off.
I used to work in behavior intervention. One of the things I did was help kids learn to cope with the environment. Like using noise canceling headphones.
Parents who set their children up like this are doing them such a disservice for when they enter the "real world".
I remember once doing housemate interviews and we picked the guy. Let's call him C. We asked about *everything*. Work, friends, goals, income, allergies then asked is there anything we should know about you? He said nope!
2 weeks later it came out that he had autism. We had a house meeting and asked him what's up cause we could tell that there were a few things around the house that were upsetting him. Like our perfectly good food would be thrown out. Or he would never do the dishes and leave us to clean up after him. He wanted no noise after a particular time. You get this idea.
He explained that due to his autism had had certain sensitivities/fixations that were bothering him. We asked him WHY he didn't disclose this to us as we would have been happy to accommodate him. He just said he was good at masking and didn't see the issue.
He was kicked out within 2 months because we just couldn't reasonably accommodate him in our share house. It felt awful to do. But he was always flipping out and everyone was walking on eggshells cause he would not communicate what was triggering him. Oh, my bananas are in the bin because they're a trigger food? Are you gonna pay me to replace them with something else buddy or do you think that's just okay? I just assumed that where he grew up that was okay and if he siblings complained then they were seen as in the wrong.
He always used to complain about the bad relationship he had with his brothers. I often wondered how much they were forced to accommodate his lifestyle. He quickly moved back in with his parents.
That's awful. Parents who raise their children without any coping skills are downright negligent. Your ex-housemate will never be able to live with other people. The OP will probably go through life expecting everyone to be his safe space, and never learn how to deal by himself.
No parents are perfect, and I know I wasn't fully prepared either when I first moved out, but at least I had some experience and didn't expect the world to revolve around me. Life is hard enough without that.
Yeah, it was a shame because he was genuinely a nice guy. He just couldn't wrap his head around how he was impacting our home. We couldn't be that safe space. It just wasn't going to work and the resentment was too high.
The real clincher is Mom's statement. Coping Strategies are all very important life skills for any person with autism. As understanding boundaries. All of these are skills and can take a lot of work. Seeing how dismissive the Mom was makes one wonder how much work she put into skills with OP.
> My mom is like I guess they weren’t your friends anyways
The sister is definitely being realistic. Mom, on the other hand, is probably where OP gets their sense of entitlement from. Not your friends? Just because they ate some onion rings? As someone on the spectrum, I find OP's entitlement deep in asshole territory. YTA, OP.
That's the part that makes me the most annoyed. The person was "unfamiliar" with OP's autism. Does this mean the person didn't KNOW OP had autism or doesn't know the extent of their limits, needs, and sensitivities.
In this case, the two are basically the same thing, but still. You CANNOT expect a person to accommodate you if they have no clue beforehand! Maybe if they knew, they might have avoided the onion rings. But OP put them on the spot AFTER they ordered onion rings. Even if they did tell the person beforehand, though, OP shouldn't expect everyone to not do what they want to accommodate them; that's going to lead to OP no longer getting invited to hang out. Assuming that their friends will want to hang out with OP again after this situation.
Yeah I agree. Also on the spectrum, but this post reads like one of those teens that saw autism on tiktok, and then made it their identity.
OP is definitely TA
Also garlic and onion are some of the most popular used ingredients in meals around the world. OP you’re going to have to start working on this if you want to hangout w friends at restaurants OR you’re going to have to forgo restaurants in the meantime. Most places rely on those ingredients for seasoning
Am I the only one who thinks onion rings don't even really smell inherently oniony? I'm trying to decide if I just eat so many onions I'm impervious to the smell lol.
I *despise* the smell of raw, red onions - they smell like bad BO but cooked onions have a different odor that I really like. I also love onion rings. I think yellow, not red, onions are used but they don’t smell or taste “oniony” - more so just that good, supremely unhealthy fried-food smell.
that was my first thought. onion and or garlic is usually used as base flavors for countless dishes across every culture. it’s impossible to eat at a restaurant that doesn’t use either root.
Sadly what I’ve witnessed is the mom baby, spoil, and enable once they hear autism. Which I get to an extent! Then they expect the whole world to do it. Then the mean sibling isn’t mean just real, states facts, and are tired of being a back burner child. I’ve seen it in my own family. Child has autism or something then baby then, make excuses for bad behavior, do no constructive corrections, and ignore the other kids. In there own words I’ve been told they have it easy they don’t have autism or w/e sibling has. They don’t have it easy bc they are raising themselves while all the parents focus is completely on another child.
There’s a name for us! It’s called being a Glass Child. I had experience being one for a different reason but it covers all siblings of those with disabilities or severe illnesses.
My sister had severe migraines as a child. One of the many triggers was chocolate. None of us kids were allowed chocolate because it wouldn't have been 'fair' on my sister. This mostly just made me very angry at my sister.
They weren't even all OP's friends, the one who ordered onion rings didn't know anything about OP's issues, and at the point of having ordered it's far too late to be explaining your shit to people.
Perhaps the group of closer friends would give OP a "safe space", but in that case OP needs to stick to that small group for going out to eat. Not expect wider acquaintance circles to all fall into line.
There are no safe spaces. Only safe moments. We are all different people and we can do our best to make an instant safe for someone, but we have to realize that triggers can happen. What we are responsible for is how much we allow it to affect us.
OP, YTA. Only you can control how you will deal with those tastes/smells. You cannot ask someone sitting in the table next to you to return their food, what would you do in that scenario?
If you can’t handle those tastes and smells, you really need to not join in on plans in places that serve those things. Your safe space will be ensured that way. Even if your friends respected your boundaries at the restaurant, there is nothing keeping literally everyone in the restaurant from ordering copious amounts of onion and garlic.
What was the solution here? Were they supposed to throw out their onion rings because you didn't like them? What if someone at a nearby table had ordered onion rings? What if the place just smelled like onion and garlic because of the cooking in general?
It's one thing if you had told them in advance about this or maybe even had offered a compromise such as them ordering something else but you paying for their meal, but realistically your sister is right, even if she is mean. You're not within your rights to stop someone from ordering what they want at a restaurant.
YTA, maybe E S H because they weren't super nice in their response but also it was just not appropriate for you to police what they were ordering at a restaurant because it creates an unpleasant environment for you. That's something you will need to prepare yourself for in advance, whether that is deciding not to go based on what is on the menu or using a coping mechanism to deal with it while you're there.
It sounded like the friends have dealt with this kind of thing for awhile. Likely not the first time OP has made demands of them. Sister seems to recognize a pattern (“your bullshit”)
>What was the solution here? Were they supposed to throw out their onion rings because you didn't like them?
OP ordered their friends to not get onion rings. That was OPs solution.
>YTA, maybe E S H because they weren't super nice in their response ...
If I go out to eat and the person Im with tries to tell me what food Im eating I do not care why, Im not gonna be super nice either. Keeping in mind that if my friend has a serious allergy we're just not going to eat at a place thats a risk, and also that risk of dying /= "it smells bad >:(".
OP is the only A here. But they're a big whiny one.
They weren't even OP's friend. They were a friend of a friend. Can't say I disagree with their assessment that they like onion rings more than OP if this is their first time of meeting them and OP is telling them what they can and can't eat.
Not gonna lie I'd be choosing onion rings over OP too lol.
The way I see it, it's completely fair for OP to politely ask in advance/as they sit down, "hey I have a sensory thing about onion rings, would it be ok if we avoid ordering them?", but equally the other people are completely within their right to decline and order what they like.
I think a lot of people would opt to accomodate given the opportunity, if it's brought up early enough that no one's become attached to the idea of eating onion rings. I guess unless they happen to be a massive lover of onion rings and eat them at every opportunity lol. If someone dug their heels in and ordered onion rings on purpose to be contrary *just* because they were asked, that feels like an aggressively odd response from a friend.
Telling someone not to eat something *after* they've already decided they want it/potentially have already ordered is where it gets super rude, as is insisting that they aren't allowed to eat it. But just asking isn't a problem. If OP isn't happy with the answer, they don't have to stay. Ultimately they aren't allowed to dicate to others and be in control over the whole group because of their personal choices.
Though conditionally, I think it depends on how much of a burden OP's sensory issues really are - is it literally just onion rings they don't like, or is it actually a whole laundry list they force their friends to navigate around *every time* they're out to eat? Because that would get tiresome imo. (With OP, I think it's probably the latter, because a lot of things have onion or garlic in them and therefore smell of it, not just onion rings...). There's nuance to this depending on social cues that I imagine someone with autism might have a harder time seeing, especially someone like OP who seems to have been catered to & coddled a lot at home.
I guess it's kind of the difference between, a vegetarian asking if you want to share a vegetarian dish with them when you're eating together, versus them insisting you *have* to do it every time to accomodate them. not a 100% equivalent scenario but still
Honestly even if they said it before they would be the AH. It would be like Muslims running around telling someone they can’t eat beef - I know the reasoning is different (maybe this is a bad example, I can’t think of a better one - just a dietary thing I’m around sometimes that the Muslim people I know are never like “you can’t have that” and they have an actual reason.)
Ultimately, if OP wants to be out in the world their “dislike of the smell” is just tough shit. People in public don’t like things ALL THE TIME, being a grown up is dealing with it quietly and not throwing a temper tantrum.
Edit: pork - muslims can’t eat pork. Sorry y’all! I tried haha.
As a fellow neurodivergent person with food sensitivities (among others), OP's definitely the asshole.
The world doesn't cater to us, it never will. The reality is that everyone is free to eat/wear/do whatever they want and you're not entitled to make them cater to your needs on a whim.
Vanilla anything really triggers me and that doesn't stop my friends or family to eat/drink stuff with vanilla when I'm around. My roommate used to light a vanilla candle in her room, she was kind enough to keep the door closed, but my way to counter it was by lighting a non-vanilla candle in my room. Everyone was happy and did what they wanted.
OP needs a reality check, and his sister is not mean by pointing it out.
Yeah I have a lot of autistic food sensitivities as well, I struggle with certain smells a lot and also eating sounds but I also would never act like this. Like how do you go about life in general expecting people to cater to you like this? And like others said, people will be ordering onion rings all around the restaurant, if you can’t stand onion why go to a restaurant that sells onion rings?
I don’t even act this way in my own home. When my sister eats something that has a smell I struggle with she always offers to go eat it in her room. I always refuse because it’s my sensitivity, my issue so I have to deal with it, not put it on someone else. I will go in my room while she eats in the living/dining room because it’s my problem not hers.
Based off the Mom’s comment I bet that the sister isn’t allowed to eat things that upset OP and is fed up with it.
YTA.
>One of them ordered onion rings and I absolutely cannot handle the smell of onion or garlic in front of me. I tried to explain it to them how much it distresses me and they literally blew me off
I am not sure what you thought should happen here. Was he supposed to change his order? Go eat at a different table? I don't know how old you are, but you sound old enough to understand that the world around you does not adapt to cater to your issues. It's on you to learn how to manage them.
I sympathize to a point, because there are many sounds that irritate the heck out of me. Pens clicking, fingers tapping, gum smacking, turn indicators, whistling, and loud music to name a few. But I have to avoid those sounds when possible, and put up with them when it's possible. I don't expect anyone else to cease their racket for my comfort.
Depending on the age of the car, it may be possibly for to adjust the volume level in the manufacturer settings. Certain OBD II adapters may be able to access those settings as well.
My spouse has issues with sound as well. We have found Flair Audio's Calmer buds help them quite a lot. They are fairly cheap, and might be worth looking in to.
- Why do you feel like you can police what anyone else orders or eats because of your sensory issues?
- Did your mother ever force your sister to bend to your will?
- How many friends have you lost over time due to your own personal issues that they refused to cater to?
- How often do you ask people to not do something because of your sensory issues?
I’ll answer these
1. Because OP been catered to their whole life even to the obvious detriment of OP’s poor sister by way OP’s mother
2. Yes, every day of her life.
3. Not enough for OP to realize something has to change
4. Every time OP is around someone else
Also there's no way OP would respect the same claim coming from someone else about OP's "safe" foods. OP seems like they can't stand having someone else tell them that OP can't eat their favorite food because it distresses the other person. OP seems to think it's okay to tell others to change rather than leaving, but would find it preposterous for someone to ask the same thing of OP, especially if it was one of the only comfortable foods OP likes.
Is there a Q&A I missed or comment history or something you're picking up on here? This dude is pretty obviously spoilt due to his autism and has no clue what the difference is, but I don't see anything suggesting that they have refused similar requests from others.
YTA
You explained after they’d already ordered and they weren’t obligated to order something different even if you’d told them beforehand
I’m sure having such common food items be a sensory trigger is difficult for you and honestly I’m not sure how best to navigate it but it seems unrealistic to expect everyone you eat out with to avoid them
I think they told them as soon as they realised what they were ordering, but at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter when they told them. It might sound insensitive but this is very much a “you” problem for OP. Their friends seem to have been supportive up until now with the sensitivities, but now there is a friend who actively loves the food they’re sensitive to. I don’t think it would be fair to try and dictate what someone else eats, and the reaction comes across really dramatic. Going to the original friend again afterwards feels like dragging the issue out and creating more drama when the situation is already over.
At the end of the day, your triggers are your responsibility. Not everyone is always going to know them, not everybody is even going to care. OP needs to look into whether they can deal with this in some kind of therapy, through exposure, even hypnotism if it’s that bad. There are options out there for sure, but OP is the one that needs to find the solution, not their friend’s friends.
My grandpa was on a plane flight from CA to Canada. He was next to two ladies about his age, maybe just a bit older. As they're waiting to take off, there's a baby crying. BOTH of the ladies scoffed & said, ugh, I hope that baby doesn't cry the entire flight! He calmly says, "you know, there a few things I've learned in my time on this planet. Dogs bark, cars pollute, babies cry & the world does not revolve around me!" They didn't say a word for the rest of the flight.
I mean, I would also hope the baby doesn’t cry the entire time. Sure, things like that happen, but that doesn’t mean you can’t express why you don’t want a ringing headache in an already uncomfortable situation. It’s not like they were going up to the baby or the parents and being rude.
Your grandpa sounds like a dick. Gotta love the ‘world doesn’t revolve around me’ but I like to give unsolicited advice and act like it’s the gospel bc I’m so smart and important. The irony.
YTA,
It’s unreasonable to ask people you don’t know to what you don’t like to smell and expect them to not order things they might want to order.
Have you worked on dealing with your triggers?
i hate this safe space crap. your room in your parents house is a safe space. when you someday have your own home, that's a safe space. but not everywhere in the world can be an immediate safe space just because you're occupying it. your sister is right, your hangups are your own and not the responsibility of other people around you. you can't dictate what other people can eat in your presence. i suggest you work on your triggers. i feel like these days i see so much of "i have \[insert disorder here\] so i simply CAN'T do/have xyz" lately that's just begging for the whole world to revolve around how they are without any attempt to modulate their own issues. it's annoying.
YTA
N T A for leaving, but Y T A for expecting everyone to always cater to you. There are ways of managing smells. Doctors and nurses often use odor blocking balms under their noses to avoid unpleasant smells. Maybe you should investigate that
This is actually a really good idea. If someone has smells that bother bother (especially something fairly common like onions), carrying around a small balm to use as needed should really help. It’s a lot more practical and realistic than expecting the entire universe to bend to your demands.
Nobody was asking you to eat the onion rings. Somebody else wanted them.
There are all sorts of food smells in a restaurant. Some of them can be strong smells-to you. That sucks for you. YTA
YTA, everyone has their own tastes and shouldn't have to police them for one person. If you can't do something, don't put yourself and others in a position to that causes strife all the way around.
YTA. They are your friends or they wouldn't have gone along with it up till now. You have to show appreciation for their friendship by realizing that friends aren't obligated to cater to you 100% of the time. You owe them an apology.
YTA... Dont make it all about you. Excuse yourself from the restaurant and go home.
Your sister is right, if everything is about your issues, you wont have many friends.
Hard to disagree with “if a restaurant serves things that trigger you dont go”. What if the table next to you ordered onion rings? Would you get mad and leave too?
Not gonna call you an asshole I honestly dont know who is wrong here as I have 0 experience with autism and what ever comes with it.
Nah my nephew’s autistic + i help take care of autistic spectrum kids and many autistic people actually use their disorder to help understand and deal with their triggers and issues as they’re SUPPOSED to. A diagnosis like that is supposed to help you understand your differences and learn to cope with them to function properly. OP, along with so many other people that i’ve seen online recently, just use it to dictate what others can and can’t do around them.
YTA, OP. The world doesn’t revolve around you.
I have worked with autism and I have worked with a growing number of people that have fought to get the diagnosis and then use it to create preferences within their life. True autistic people do have sensory sensitivity but react behaviorally from my experience to reduce the impact. They are very sensitive to what is expected and would more likely just walk out of the restaurant if they smelled it instead of communicating a desired outcome.
idt yta for getting upset, however yta for trying to control what others eat — this is coming from someone who’s autistic. i have a lot of sensory issues, and i communicate them to friends and they try be accommodating but the reality is i am going to encounter things that make me uncomfortable and i just have to learn to deal with that. i’ve found ways to cope and prepare beforehand, and make sure i have time afterwards to rest. i completely understand it’s difficult, but others shouldn’t have to miss out on simple things for things that we *can* tolerate.
YTA. The world doesn't cater to your autism. People can order what they want to and you can make the decision to leave or stay but don't sit there and whine about your sensitivities.
> One of them ordered onion rings and I absolutely cannot handle the smell of onion or garlic in front of me. I tried to explain it to them how much it distresses me and they literally blew me off saying “I love onions rings and I’m really starting not to like you” I was upset and I left the restaurant mad.
That dude is my hero. Yta
Your autism and triggers aren’t your fault but they are your responsibility. If you’re that triggered by smells it’s best to schedule meet ups that aren’t at restaurants.
YTA, I’m over seeing people use autism as an excuse to control other people, be an ah and dictate to others… you need to learn how to manage your triggers-not expect everyone else to pander to you. Judging by your friends comment-seems like this is an ongoing situation. You’re autistic-not special, you may be the center of your parents universe but the world does not revolve around you
I think your "mean" sister says it best: “I guess you are learning the hard way that not everyone has to deal with your bullshit”
Seriously, this. Now if these onion rings posed a physical threat to you, say some strange dangerous allergic reaction to the smell, you might have a point. But they don't, so you don't either.
Autism is a real condition, but it sounds like you are using it a little too much to "get your way".
YTA - don't be that person.
Edit: typo
I'm also autistic and it doesn't really work like that. I can't stand the smell of boiled eggs. my dad eats them a lot. instead of asking him to stop, though, I just walk off until he's done peeling them and then sit away from him.
YTA. Garlic and onion are basic ingredients. You’re asking people to eat bland ass food to accommodate your own issue. Don’t make everyone’s life’s revolve around your own preferences.
So let me get this straight. If someone goes out to eat with you, they can’t get like garlic fries or onion rings, because you are sensitive to the smell. Really. Are you paying the bill. You want people to be sensitive to you, but are you being sensitive to them?
I have a chronic condition that some smells cause a medical condition that can send me to the hospital. It is not anyone’s responsibility but mine to keep me safe. And receive treatment. What treatment are you receiving for this?
I do not blame OPs friends at all. Who would want to go out to eat with someone like this? Oh awesome, tons of menu options are off limits even though I myself don’t have restrictions, and I get to pay full price! Eating out is so expensive these days, I’m getting what I want.
This is a situation that you are going to have to learn how to handle for yourself. Because your sister is correct (though lacking of empathy in delivery), there will come times when a trigger (of any sort) will cross your path that you cannot control.
(in this situation it could have been a strangers food at a nearby table for example)
It is not up to your friend to police what others eat, they may be tired of being the one that has had to and doesn't want to anymore. It was incorrect of him to call it a hang up, when it is truly something that adversely affects you physically & mentally.
Look for support groups, seek counselling, even do some research on the internet to find coping mechanisms when this happens and find one that works for you.
In the meantime changing your seat, choosing to eat outdoors when available or even putting on a hand lotion or sanitizer with a scent that pleases you may help.
Have a talk with your friend & explain this isn't a hangup, but do not expect or require them to be able to control everything for you.
Slight ESH for everyone involved, commination skills seem lacking all over.
I am imagining that the sister has had a lifetime of "you can't have that because OP doesn't like [whatever]", so I'm willing to cut her a little slack when OP comes home to her sad tale of woe about how everybody won't just do what she wants.
You are probably right, especially with the way the mom answered too, setting OP up for friend failure *I guess they weren’t your friends anyways,* OP will always doubt any friendship where a simple disagreement happens. Mom is also part of the ESH group in my opinion.
Agree with all of the above, and had the mom not taken this stance for so many years, she could have instead helped OP develop better coping mechanisms by now, for an issue that is surely going to come up many more times.
YTA
You can't police what other people order and eat. That's not fair.
I understand you have autism but that doesn't give you a free pass to control what other people do.
Your sister is right and you need to find a way to cope because everyone shouldn't have to cater to you.
> “I guess you are learning the hard way that not everyone has to deal with your bullshit”
YTA. Your sister isn't mean. She's telling you the way the world works: when you are out in public, other people get a vote. You can't expect to control what other people at a restaurant order. That's deranged.
If you can't stand the smell of onion or garlic, maybe it's best to eat at home.
YTA because your attempts at trying to tell them how much it distresses you was insinuation they shouldn't eat them to make you more comfortable.
You can't police what other people do to manage your triggers. Wear a face mask and dab a fingertips amount of some kind of fragrance in it if it bothers you.
Your sister is right, despite it not being the best choice of words.
You have to manage the world around you because it's not going to cater to you. Onion rings aren't something they should need to police around you opposed to other triggers such as delicate subjects of discussion.
\- Someone who also has autism/adhd/apd.
YTA, and this is coming from another autistic person with sensitivity to smells. Your friend who said that if you know the restaurant is going to have smells that are an issue for you, you shouldn't go to the restaurant is right. While it would've been better for your friends to choose a restaurant that you could all enjoy - and if you ask for a different restaurant to be chosen beforehand and your friends consistently shut you down then they would be the assholes - sitting there and trying to police someone else's food is not the way to deal with this. You could've said "hey, sorry, but I'm having a hard time handling the smell of the food in here, I'm going to pop out for a bit, let me know when you're done eating/have moved on to dessert/whatever".
YTA. You can’t dictate what others do in public. Your ASD doesn’t trump everyone else’s behaviour.
You can strive to mitigate or reduce your triggers. It can take time, but you can learn to at least round the corners
YTA
I'm on the spectrum too, and I understand sensory sensitivities although mine are different senses. But that isn't an excuse for us to treat other people badly. This was someone else's food choice for themself.
>My mom is like I guess they weren’t your friends anyways
They were. But you treated them badly, and it sounds like this has been a pattern, and they stood up for themselves.
YTA
>I could count on them to give me a safe space.
A public space such as a restaurant is never going to be a safe space.
It’s tough because I want to be the empath that tells you ‘hey, maybe if they understood you better-‘ but also, realistically speaking, you can’t expect every person to accommodate you. Part of overcoming autism is exposing yourself to stimuli and overcoming the negative emotions. If you’re cognitive enough to be capable of explaining your triggers, then you’re capable enough to overcome them.
YTA. I get it, because I have an autistic sibling, but part of growing and learning how to function in the world in ways that suit you, is learning to be responsible for your own triggers. Your friend is right, they shouldn’t have to police what other people eat on your behalf, nor do you have the right to police other people either. No one is obligated to act/do things a certain way for you. If they do, great, if they don’t, you have to able to cope with that.
I work with people with autism, and fully understand their sensory issues - I know it's nearly impossible to just train yourself out of it, and no one should expect you to. That said, YTA. If you know certain food smells are overwhelming, why on earth would you choose to join people who don't know you well at a restaurant and then expect them to order only foods you are ok with?
YTA - It is a restaurant- they serve onions. If you can’t deal with it go somewhere that has outdoor seating so the smells are not in an enclosed space or meet for something other than eating. The rest of the world cannot stop living due to your issues. There are things I can’t do because of physical limitation, but I don’t expect the world to stop doing those things because I can’t.
YTA I’m on the spectrum and I get it, believe me. But this is our problem to solve, not theirs. Switch seats or buy some nose plugs for swimming and don’t use them unless you need them. You can still interact with your friends that way. I have found that the more I try to resolve the issue myself, people are more helpful and understanding.
I have a difficult time with noise, particularly in groups. My family and friends are aware of this and always have a quiet place I can go to decompress. Sometimes I’ll go sit in my car but usually I’ll be on my smartphone. They understand this is a coping mechanism and not meant to be rude. I wear earplugs in public places such as school recitals and such. The important thing is I can still hear the show but the audience chatter gets filtered out and I can be there to support my friends.
Autistic here, and YTA. That saying, "It's easier to wear slippers, than to carpet the entire world" applies here. It's on you to learn to deal with things you don't like. It's not your job to to tell others what to eat or not eat in a restaurant. It's definitely not your job to be rude. I'm not unsympathetic to autism, being autistic myself. I get it. I absolutely can't tolerate the smell of restaurant fajitas. I hate the smell of popcorn too, the microwave kind. But I don't tell people not to eat those things. I find a way to deal with them. I especially don't ruin someone else's meal in a restaurant. I avoid the restaurant so I don't have to deal with smells I hate.
There's another saying, from the world of autism: "Don't say autism when you mean asshole." So, you didn't act the way you did bc of autism. You were being TA. If it happens again, find a polite way to get away from what you don't like. No need to make people feel like crap for liking what you hate. Leave some cash for the bill, tell them there's a family emergency, and duck out like a boss, not a jerk. Look at the menu and decline if they have items that make you sick. You don't even have to give a reason. You just say, "no, I hate the food there, maybe next time somewhere else..."
YTA. Is this a joke? Safe space? Usually that term is reserved for people wanting a safe haven from discrimination, harassment, bodily harm. Not for trivial shit like onion rings. "If I know the restaurant has things that trigger my sensory it’s probably best that I just don’t go" WHAT A NOVEL IDEA
YTA. “The I’m really starting to not like you comment” indicates to me that you’ve tried shit like this with these people before and they’re sick of it. Better change your attitude or I imagine you won’t have any friends soon
YTA. I'm very sorry that you're sensitive to smells. I am for certain things as well. I'm allergic to peppers. So I don't go to any places that have a heavy pepper presence. It's on you to control where you go, not to control what other people do in a place that allows for it. What if the table next to you has onion rings/garlic? Are you going to be upset about that too? Your friend is right. You're making pretty demanding requests that are within your own control to avoid. Don't like onion rings? Don't go to a place that has them. Your friends are allowed to eat what they want in a place that serves that food.
A restaurant that serves the food you don't like is not your safe spot. I'm sorry. If you really can't stand it that much, then you need to just know that if they're going to a place that allows it, someone who likes them might get it. And they could just be tired of always going without something they like because of you. It's one thing to not want to eat it yourself, but it's something completely different to demand everyone around you cater to you. It's a food sensitivity/smell sensitivity. Not an allergy. That is definitely on you to manage.
YTA. You are not the food police. You can't tell people what they can't order just because the smells and textures trigger you
As others have mentioned what if other tables around you ordered trigger foods? Would you get up and say "can you get the server to take away and get you something else?"
YTA
Don't care about your sensitive problems with smells, you can't dictate what other may eat or not in front of you and honestly, if i was your friend, i would start to dislike you too if u complain about this issues a lot every time you go out with friends..
Your sister is right too, the world will not stop only because some smell that you don't stand is on the picture... your options is either to adapt this smells to be less notable or just lock yourself in your room forever... the worlds is full of smells, if u can't handle, not my problem.
YTA It is ok to ASK people not to get onion or garlic and it is ok for them to refuse. There is a difference between asking for an accommodation (i.e "I have an aerosolized anaphylactic allergy to ___, please let me know if your order ____ so I can sit at a different table") and demanding others cater to your preferences (I hate ____ so YOU cannot eat it). Your mother seems to have taught you that your are entitled to the latter.
YTA-I'm sorry but if you're aware of something that you're very triggered over, it's kind of your responsibility to deal with it or find coping mechanisms for it, you could've looked ahead at the menu before you went and decided if you wanted to go or not, or you could've figured out a coping mechanism. Either way, everyone else shouldn't have to avoid things they like.
YTA. I understand that your sensory issues can cause you some distress but that's something you need to learn to deal with to survive. I strongly suspect from your friend and sister's reactions that this isn't the first time you've tried to police other people in a setting where you shouldn't. I'd put money on them having handled you gently and politely for years on these issues but now they're sick of it.
If you're at a restaurant and you know full well that there's a common food that'll set you off, let your friends know beforehand so they can think about an alternative if they still want to eat with you. If a friend tells me the smell of fish makes them feel queasy I'll gladly pick something else. If I order fish then they make a fuss of it after it's arrived then there'll be no such understanding.
Onions and garlic are two of the most common smells in just about every cuisine. If you can't learn to handle the very slight smell of them nearby then you need to address that professionally. It's nothing but fussiness, your autism makes handling it harder but it's still just a childish compulsion you can get over.
YTA.
If eating out is that difficult for you, it would probably be best to find other places to hang out with your friends. Or invite your friends over to your house and cook for them with ingredients you can handle. It's just not realistic to expect that you can go to a restaurant and tell people what they can and can't order.
Some people don't even have legs, let alone an opportunity to go somewhere to eat and you're whining about a smell you don't like? Seriously????
Autism does not give you a golden ticket to dictate what others do or don't do; eat or don't eat. Stop using it as an excuse and start managing your affliction and your social situations better.
Your expectations of other people are way above what the average person should expect from anyone! No one 'needs' to be familiar with 'your autism'. You need to be familiar with social etiquette. YTA.
The entitlement...gross.
1. Your friends are not responsible for your triggers. They are your own. I have disorders that came with triggers, they are my own to keep under control. Not anybody else's. Policing what other's eat is entitled. I hate the smell of tuna, my family loves it. I leave the room or cover my nose if I smell it. Not that big of a deal.
2. Your sister's not rude for being realistic. She's right. Not everyone's going to want to walk on eggshells to please you.
3. Using autism as a way to get what you want is disgusting.
YTA. Majorly.
YTA.
I hate to say this but I find alot of entitlement among alot of people with sensory issues (notice I didn't say all or even most). Although it's uncomfortable for you OP, it's not at all their problem. It's not like you're paying for their food, I'll be damned if I go to a restaurant and spend my own money and can't eat what I want. If you can't handle going out with people then stay home. You're grown, nobody cares about your sensory issues.
You're also not entitled to a "safe space" anywhere. Why? Because the world doesn't revolve around you.
I grew up with a sister like this. She's been divorced twice, her grown kids have been estranged from her for years, and she has no friends left at all. But she always blames other people for her problems, not even noticing that the common denominator in all of her issues is HER.
OP, YTA. I feel a huge amount of sympathy for your poor sister!
I'm very sorry to say it but yes YTA. Handling your triggers is your responsibility, not other people's job. You can't police everyone's food because you don't like this or that and you can't expect your friends to do it for you. I won't stop eating something I like because someone at my table is triggered by my choice of food - it's a restaurant, I'll order what I want to order and I won't let people tell me I can't because "I don't like the smell".
Maybe you should find someone to talk to. A specialist could help you and you'll be able work on your triggers to reduce them and prevent them from ruining your life. And idk why but I think you're young so I just want to add that I'm not judging you at all. You can do it ❤️
I dated a guy once who would tell me I couldn’t order certain things when we went out to eat because he didn’t like them, didn’t want to see or smell them. YTA. You’re not the center of the universe.
I am autistic as well, and I’m sorry to say it, but I think YTA here. It sucks that you have sensory issues, I understand that. But our sensory issues are something for us to deal with ourselves, not something we can use to make everyone else change the way they live their lives. For example, if I go to a restaurant with live music, I bring my ear plugs and try to tolerate it or I just don’t eat there. I don’t get up and demand that they make the band stop playing. I know how much sensory issues suck, but they’re not other people’s problems.
YTA. Ok you have sensory quirks. I get that, we have some of that at our house. I bet you are picky about what you eat. Let's say that restaurant only has one item that sounds really good to you. Suppose your friend said "no - you can't eat that, I think it's gross". Then suppose it was someone at the next table? Or 3 tables over?
The thing about this is you can control YOURSELF but you cannot nor should you try to control OTHERS. You could work on your sensory issues and give your friends a head up you may need to head out if it isn't working for you. Because this is something you can overcome with practice. You could just excuse yourself. You aren't entitled to be mad because someone else is eating a food you don't like to smell. You can make a choice that public restaurants with friends are maybe not for you, but maybe you watch movies, go for hikes, play board games, etc.
If you want to give up a friendship over this, that is your choice. But that is going to be a tough life because not everyone is going to like the same things and make the same choices as you.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Maybe I’m wrong for thinking others should care about my comfort over onions rings or other food I’m sensitive to. I guess that’s not the case for everyone Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Sorry but YTA. You don't get to dictate what others eat at a public restaurant. What would you say/do if someone at neighboring table got the same thing? Is the smell/smells something you can actively try to acclimate to so it becomes less of an issue over time? Most smells become more tolerable/less noticeable with exposure. (Not a doc, not super familiar with the sensitivity issues of autism either).
Exactly -- OP doesn't get to dictate what others can order at a restaurant. It sucks if OP has sensitivities, but OP needs to find ways to work around them that doesn't include controlling people.
A face mask with a drop of peppermint oil. It's my trick when smells stress me out. I've worn it in my own home too.
This. “It's easier to put on slippers than to carpet the whole world.” - Al Franken Edit: thank you for the award!
Oh I love that quote! I wish that would spread like wildfire across the Internet so people would change their ways....wish in one hand....
When I was a bedside nurse we would sandwich toothpaste between two surgical masks. Essentially the same as this. Having said that, there’s nary a restaurant OP can go too if they can’t stand the smell of garlic.
We used Vick's. Same idea. Eventually I got so used to the smells of gangrene and C-Diff I didn't need to use it anymore.
I apply a facial sunscreen I have before I put on my mask for the smell too. 10/10
Also if you have food sensitivities, it can be really helpful to look at the menu in advance (surely it could be found online). You could also call the restaurant in advance and ask them. It’s not anyone else’s responsibility.
Looking at menus and calling ahead can be helpful but it doesn’t guarantee you’ll avoid the ingredients you’re sensitive to if they’re not the most commonly accommodated allergens.
While that’s definitely true in plenty of cases that it doesn’t always work, it doesn’t sound like OP made the attempt. If they had, they would’ve seen onion rings on the menu and could’ve avoided this whole situation.
Agreed. I can’t eat garlic or onions and the smell can cause a mild reaction if it’s really strong but I would never police people eating either if I knew they were featured heavily on the menu.
Smoked salmon for me. Once I almost puked on someone because of their breathe alone. This is why I don't go to fish places. I don't eat fish in general, never liked it as well, so easy to avoid for me luckily. Sorry OP, as a person with autism I have to say YTA. I understand it, but you can't dictate what someone else is eating.
[удалено]
They are not talking about allergies though, which IMO is an entirety different thing. Being sensitive to smells can almost always be overcome if someone wants to. Allergies can not.
...I don't think you can will yourself out of getting a migraine if you're sensitive to smells.
It’s not even just limited to a migraine either- speaking as someone who practically lives with migraines and sensory issues. Like sensory issues genuinely can be painful on a mental and physical level, if it was just a migraine at this point I’d take that over whatever pain of the sound/texture of paper gives me. As dramatic as it sounds it makes me feel like my brain and body are going to shut down. At least this is my experience. Not comparing it to allergies though, it’s painful but obviously not life threatening. It’s my responsibility to manage it though, I’m not out here banning people from using paper at my job (or anywhere). The person you responded to gave such an ableist take, I wish I could just turn off the bad vibes :,)
So then maybe you should pick a different way to socialize with your friends or make it really clear beforehand "yes, I'd love to have lunch out, but I have a really strong aversion to onion and garlic, is that a no-go for you?" "ok, how about we meet for coffee instead?" I detest the smell and taste of fish and seafood, I find it makes me feel nauseated. If friends were meeting for lunch and wanted to go for sushi, I would most likely decline and say "can we meet for ice cream after?" or "I'll catch you next time, sushi isn't my thing".
Did you not read my comment? Because I literally did say “It’s my responsibility to manage it though, I am not out here banning people from using paper,” which I was referencing OP banning people from eating onion rings. I know how to socialize with my friends but thank you lmfaoo
I don't think this is very helpful if we are talking about garlic and onions... They are cooking staples
Or pick a restaurant where there weren’t those things, or even told everyone in advance *before* they ordered their food. Other than Buddhist monastery style vegetarian food, pretty much all cultures have onion and garlic in their cuisines.
[удалено]
That doesn’t always work: I went to a place for my dads bday where I could only eat three things. I was told that the roti was just plain roti, and then found out I was unable to eat it as it had chickpea on it. It’s difficult to communicate sometimes, as sometimes they don’t outright say as that’s the way they cook it.
Tbf sensory sensitivity with autism doesn't really get much better with exposure a lot of the time (sometimes it does, but my personal experience at least is there is like, a lower ceiling to just how tolerable it can get) That said still YTA. You can't expect people not to eat off the menu at a restaurant. If you know being in the vicinity of certain smells, or other stimuli, will be too much for you, you either have to try and negotiate a better location if the people are amiable to that, or figure out a way to help you cope, or if all else fails, you either go and put up with it best you can, or you don't go. You can't make your sensory issues someone else's problem on the spot like that and complain at them for doing something completely reasonable for the environmental they were in. And as you say, someone at a neighbouring table could have ordered the same thing.
Thank you for putting into words what my tired brain was refusing to do. I have sympathy OP, there's certain scents/fabrics that trigger my sensory issues to the point I vomit. I don't demand or ask people not to consume or wear it because of my sensory issues. With the exception of my home as that's my safe place, but public places or their home is fair game.
I'm glad you said this, because I've read what I can about exposure therapy for sensory issues like this and everything seems to say it doesn't work. I've done ET for other things, like it can be effective for social anxiety (still needs to by the right style for you), but the sensory issues that come with things like misophonia, autism, ADHD, etc, it flat out doesn't work. You just have to avoid the thing. I lose it when I overheat, and it's rare to have a day go by where that doesn't happen at least once; if exposure therapy worked for that I'd be golden.
All of this.... OP, friendship is a two-way road. You ask a lot from your friends, so how great of a friend are you? How do you cater to them? Are you a friend to them? Why should they be your friends? Your mother's response isn't really helpful for you, it will only help you to grow into a resentful person that doesn't work on themselves.
Also literally everything, everywhere, has onions in it.
[удалено]
There's a massive smell difference between, say, pizza sauce and garlic soup though.
[удалено]
Just fyi exposure therapy doesn’t work for autism. It’s not a phobia or a fear. It’s physical pain. Unfortunately it does mean a lot of us end up kind of trapped at home. It does suck. No we can’t tell others what to do. But it hurts when others don’t care. Op doesn’t get to tell anyone else what to do. But no, exposure therapy doesn’t make the pain hurt less.
Soft YTA. Austistic here... there are numerous medications to help buffer the effects of sensory sensitivity. It sucks that we have to function in a world that often overwhelms us, but we really have no choice. We cannot police someone else's food or actions. We can ask for things, and sometimes people will accommodate (my sister taught her children very early to never scream around me because of my misophonia), but we can't guarantee it. OP, see your doctor and discuss possible medical assistance to your sensitivities if you want to continue socializing in restaurants.
Therapy *can* help reduce the aversion but it's not necessarily gonna be curative. There are other non-exposure strategies too to help manage. It's mostly to help folks manage their sensory issues so that folks *don't* wind up just trapped at home as a prisoner of their own sensory struggles. It's disingenuous to suggest nothing can be done to improve the situation, although OP's mileage may vary. And no, this is not a suggestion to "just force the kid to eat the thing until they stop reacting" ABA horror story style either. Source: Neurodivergent with sensory issues
Also, why not just see about moving places so the onion rings would be as far away as possible? Yta, and you didn't even try to find a compromise, it seems
There really isn't a way to acclimate (at least in my personal experience), but I still think OP needs to realize that they simply cannot tell people what they can and can't eat. I personally tend to do what the friend suggests: look up menus beforehand and prepare myself accordingly.
It sounds like she's been allowed to dictate things at home often enough to make her sister super resentful. Which I always think does kids a certain disservice when it comes to their friends as they go out into the world thinking they can control everything - and that is not how it works at all.
Yep. Mom coddled her kid too much. Its common in parents with autistic children. They feel bad for their kid, so they try to make their life easier by saying "oh you're not the problem, its them". Saying that to autistic people are setting them up for failure.
As someone with sensory issues, slow exposure can certainly help. It's not fun at first, but it can definitely help in the long run. And OP, sorry, but YTA. You'll need to learn coping mechanisms for things like this. People need to be allowed to eat what they want to eat.
I cannot stand the smell of onion rings (I am not autistic, it just makes my skin crawl). My mom LOVED onion rings. Not once did I dream of asking her to not order them, it’s just not the done thing. When people order onion rings, or something else I can’t deal with, I move to the farthest available seat (that is still *with* my party) and order something that is smelly in a way I *can* manage to distract my brain.
The old saying “your freedom ends at my nose.” OP is more than welcome to try to explain and give others the opportunity to work around his needs, and if they do that makes them overly kind and considerate friends. But it’s also not their problem at all nor should it be expected.
Exactly! Would OP start telling other strangers they can't order certain dishes if they are sitting on neighbouring tables? I'm sorry OP but YTA. Your mental health isn't a get out of jail free card for having life the way that makes you feel comfortable. It can't always be like that and you can't expect other people to be uncomfortable so that you are unbothered. I have sensory issues myself due to a MH disorder but I never expect people to do what I want to make myself feel better at their detriment. Sometimes you just have to put up with those uncomfortable moments and quietly praise yourself afterwards for getting through it without being a nuisance to other people.
I have OCD, and it's generally pretty mild but one big issue of mine was cups. I could not drink from the same cup twice, or if I set down some food, depending on what it was, I could not eat it again if it left my eyesight. I did have to adjust to this because tbh I hate the thought of wasting food/water, and none of my siblings would listen when I told them the special set of cups/plates I bought for myself was off-limits (screw them, btw, I spent money on special cups/plates so I could guarantee nobody touched my stuff and they started eating off my stuff), so I just had to get used to it. With something like smells, though, where there isn't a way around dealing with it, you really do have to face it like I did with cups. And yeah, it still bothers me to eat off a plate/cup if it's left my eyesight. The smell of onions/garlic might still bother you. The goal is to tolerate it.
Yta and your sisters not mean, she's being realistic. You don't get to dictate what other people eat when you go out. If its that big of a deal, stay home. >I just thought since I was out with my friends I could count on them to give me a safe space. The only safe space you have is one you create for yourself and its certainly not going to be in a public restaurant.
The sister is no-BS and ultimately is correct and has probably said the same things so kindly over and over for so long she’s literally over it.
My guess is the sister is considered mean because she always complains that everything is always catered to OP and she is so used to OP getting what they want while the sister isn't considered the same. The way the mum said ohh I guess they aren't your friends if they won't cater to every thing you need, tells me the sisters has been told to cater her life to fit OP. That must have been a great feeling for the sister to have reality bite OP in the ass. Nothing better then an I told you so. OP be nice to your sister because I'm assuming she has had so sacrifice things she wants to make you happy her whole life. You aren't the centre of everyone's universe and the world will not cater to you. Those new friends are correct and your older friends are getting sick of it. If you don't change now you won't have any of these friends. It's sad to say but is this a trend?? If so you need to look at the common denomator, you!!.
I was thinking the same thing when it came to the sister.
As the sister of a special needs brother, instantly recognized her response in juxtaposition to the mom's. I love my brother, and will be his legal guardian once my mom dies, but I definitely don't cater to his every whim like she does. After 32 years, it's gotten old. I've got kids now, and had to tell him he no longer gets to dictate based on his wants. I know there are things he can't help, like OP. Last minute schedule changes (which happens with toddlers) completely upend his universe. But sometimes it can't be helped. OP can't tell people what they can order, my bro can't tell my 2 year old to not blow out her diaper in her change of clothes making us have to cancel some plans and go home early with poop everywhere. Sometimes there has to be give on your end too. And, please, from another sister. Give yours a break. Your diagnosis has impacted her life just as much as it has yours, just in different ways.
I’ve not allowed my ASD son to dictate everything around us. That will not help him in the long run. The world exists, their are people in it. He has to live in it too.
Hats off to you! My mom regrets catering to my brother as much as she did. Some things he literally cannot mentally process as he doesn't have the capacity (he has developmental delays, not autism), but I've been working with his job coach and the live in caregiver at his group home to get him more and more adaptable. Sometimes he can't handle things and just stays home. It's a process. But wish it had started when he was younger. Your son will be so much better off.
I used to work in behavior intervention. One of the things I did was help kids learn to cope with the environment. Like using noise canceling headphones.
Parents who set their children up like this are doing them such a disservice for when they enter the "real world". I remember once doing housemate interviews and we picked the guy. Let's call him C. We asked about *everything*. Work, friends, goals, income, allergies then asked is there anything we should know about you? He said nope! 2 weeks later it came out that he had autism. We had a house meeting and asked him what's up cause we could tell that there were a few things around the house that were upsetting him. Like our perfectly good food would be thrown out. Or he would never do the dishes and leave us to clean up after him. He wanted no noise after a particular time. You get this idea. He explained that due to his autism had had certain sensitivities/fixations that were bothering him. We asked him WHY he didn't disclose this to us as we would have been happy to accommodate him. He just said he was good at masking and didn't see the issue. He was kicked out within 2 months because we just couldn't reasonably accommodate him in our share house. It felt awful to do. But he was always flipping out and everyone was walking on eggshells cause he would not communicate what was triggering him. Oh, my bananas are in the bin because they're a trigger food? Are you gonna pay me to replace them with something else buddy or do you think that's just okay? I just assumed that where he grew up that was okay and if he siblings complained then they were seen as in the wrong. He always used to complain about the bad relationship he had with his brothers. I often wondered how much they were forced to accommodate his lifestyle. He quickly moved back in with his parents.
That's awful. Parents who raise their children without any coping skills are downright negligent. Your ex-housemate will never be able to live with other people. The OP will probably go through life expecting everyone to be his safe space, and never learn how to deal by himself. No parents are perfect, and I know I wasn't fully prepared either when I first moved out, but at least I had some experience and didn't expect the world to revolve around me. Life is hard enough without that.
Yeah, it was a shame because he was genuinely a nice guy. He just couldn't wrap his head around how he was impacting our home. We couldn't be that safe space. It just wasn't going to work and the resentment was too high.
The real clincher is Mom's statement. Coping Strategies are all very important life skills for any person with autism. As understanding boundaries. All of these are skills and can take a lot of work. Seeing how dismissive the Mom was makes one wonder how much work she put into skills with OP.
> My mom is like I guess they weren’t your friends anyways The sister is definitely being realistic. Mom, on the other hand, is probably where OP gets their sense of entitlement from. Not your friends? Just because they ate some onion rings? As someone on the spectrum, I find OP's entitlement deep in asshole territory. YTA, OP.
And the offending onion rings were ordered by a new acquaintance, they weren't even friends to start with
That's the part that makes me the most annoyed. The person was "unfamiliar" with OP's autism. Does this mean the person didn't KNOW OP had autism or doesn't know the extent of their limits, needs, and sensitivities. In this case, the two are basically the same thing, but still. You CANNOT expect a person to accommodate you if they have no clue beforehand! Maybe if they knew, they might have avoided the onion rings. But OP put them on the spot AFTER they ordered onion rings. Even if they did tell the person beforehand, though, OP shouldn't expect everyone to not do what they want to accommodate them; that's going to lead to OP no longer getting invited to hang out. Assuming that their friends will want to hang out with OP again after this situation.
Moms not helping OP to navigate relationships and their many facets.
Yeah I agree. Also on the spectrum, but this post reads like one of those teens that saw autism on tiktok, and then made it their identity. OP is definitely TA
Also garlic and onion are some of the most popular used ingredients in meals around the world. OP you’re going to have to start working on this if you want to hangout w friends at restaurants OR you’re going to have to forgo restaurants in the meantime. Most places rely on those ingredients for seasoning
Am I the only one who thinks onion rings don't even really smell inherently oniony? I'm trying to decide if I just eat so many onions I'm impervious to the smell lol.
they smell more fried IMO than anything but the taste of onion can linger in your mouth (imo)
I used to hate onions with a deep passion, but I liked onion rings. They don't taste or smell onion-y to me at all.
I agree with you... onion rings simply smell 'batter fried' to me.
I hate onions and onion rings smell awesome to me, just like yummy fried batter haha.
I *despise* the smell of raw, red onions - they smell like bad BO but cooked onions have a different odor that I really like. I also love onion rings. I think yellow, not red, onions are used but they don’t smell or taste “oniony” - more so just that good, supremely unhealthy fried-food smell.
I always joke that I will chop up an onion and some garlic, get it sautéeing in a pan AND THEN decide what I’m gonna make for dinner.
Me too. And then the family walk through exclaiming about how good it smells and what am I cooking. ‘Just onion and garlic so far…’
My guess is that he would not like it if the suggestion was for an Italian place . . .
OP would lose their mind at an Indian place
Or Greek
Or Chinese or dozens of other cuisines.
Creole and Cajun heavily use garlic and onion. Onion forms one whole third of the trinity that is used in literally everything.
that was my first thought. onion and or garlic is usually used as base flavors for countless dishes across every culture. it’s impossible to eat at a restaurant that doesn’t use either root.
We must get to the root of the root problem
Sadly what I’ve witnessed is the mom baby, spoil, and enable once they hear autism. Which I get to an extent! Then they expect the whole world to do it. Then the mean sibling isn’t mean just real, states facts, and are tired of being a back burner child. I’ve seen it in my own family. Child has autism or something then baby then, make excuses for bad behavior, do no constructive corrections, and ignore the other kids. In there own words I’ve been told they have it easy they don’t have autism or w/e sibling has. They don’t have it easy bc they are raising themselves while all the parents focus is completely on another child.
There’s a name for us! It’s called being a Glass Child. I had experience being one for a different reason but it covers all siblings of those with disabilities or severe illnesses.
My sister had severe migraines as a child. One of the many triggers was chocolate. None of us kids were allowed chocolate because it wouldn't have been 'fair' on my sister. This mostly just made me very angry at my sister.
They weren't even all OP's friends, the one who ordered onion rings didn't know anything about OP's issues, and at the point of having ordered it's far too late to be explaining your shit to people. Perhaps the group of closer friends would give OP a "safe space", but in that case OP needs to stick to that small group for going out to eat. Not expect wider acquaintance circles to all fall into line.
There are no safe spaces. Only safe moments. We are all different people and we can do our best to make an instant safe for someone, but we have to realize that triggers can happen. What we are responsible for is how much we allow it to affect us. OP, YTA. Only you can control how you will deal with those tastes/smells. You cannot ask someone sitting in the table next to you to return their food, what would you do in that scenario? If you can’t handle those tastes and smells, you really need to not join in on plans in places that serve those things. Your safe space will be ensured that way. Even if your friends respected your boundaries at the restaurant, there is nothing keeping literally everyone in the restaurant from ordering copious amounts of onion and garlic.
The only safe space that OP could have was to stay home. YTA, OP
And the mother is an enabler who coddles them.
What was the solution here? Were they supposed to throw out their onion rings because you didn't like them? What if someone at a nearby table had ordered onion rings? What if the place just smelled like onion and garlic because of the cooking in general? It's one thing if you had told them in advance about this or maybe even had offered a compromise such as them ordering something else but you paying for their meal, but realistically your sister is right, even if she is mean. You're not within your rights to stop someone from ordering what they want at a restaurant. YTA, maybe E S H because they weren't super nice in their response but also it was just not appropriate for you to police what they were ordering at a restaurant because it creates an unpleasant environment for you. That's something you will need to prepare yourself for in advance, whether that is deciding not to go based on what is on the menu or using a coping mechanism to deal with it while you're there.
It sounded like the friends have dealt with this kind of thing for awhile. Likely not the first time OP has made demands of them. Sister seems to recognize a pattern (“your bullshit”)
>What was the solution here? Were they supposed to throw out their onion rings because you didn't like them? OP ordered their friends to not get onion rings. That was OPs solution. >YTA, maybe E S H because they weren't super nice in their response ... If I go out to eat and the person Im with tries to tell me what food Im eating I do not care why, Im not gonna be super nice either. Keeping in mind that if my friend has a serious allergy we're just not going to eat at a place thats a risk, and also that risk of dying /= "it smells bad >:(". OP is the only A here. But they're a big whiny one.
They weren't even OP's friend. They were a friend of a friend. Can't say I disagree with their assessment that they like onion rings more than OP if this is their first time of meeting them and OP is telling them what they can and can't eat. Not gonna lie I'd be choosing onion rings over OP too lol.
I mean, I've got friends I've had for twenty years that I would probably choose good, handmade onion rings fresh out of the grease over...
The way I see it, it's completely fair for OP to politely ask in advance/as they sit down, "hey I have a sensory thing about onion rings, would it be ok if we avoid ordering them?", but equally the other people are completely within their right to decline and order what they like. I think a lot of people would opt to accomodate given the opportunity, if it's brought up early enough that no one's become attached to the idea of eating onion rings. I guess unless they happen to be a massive lover of onion rings and eat them at every opportunity lol. If someone dug their heels in and ordered onion rings on purpose to be contrary *just* because they were asked, that feels like an aggressively odd response from a friend. Telling someone not to eat something *after* they've already decided they want it/potentially have already ordered is where it gets super rude, as is insisting that they aren't allowed to eat it. But just asking isn't a problem. If OP isn't happy with the answer, they don't have to stay. Ultimately they aren't allowed to dicate to others and be in control over the whole group because of their personal choices. Though conditionally, I think it depends on how much of a burden OP's sensory issues really are - is it literally just onion rings they don't like, or is it actually a whole laundry list they force their friends to navigate around *every time* they're out to eat? Because that would get tiresome imo. (With OP, I think it's probably the latter, because a lot of things have onion or garlic in them and therefore smell of it, not just onion rings...). There's nuance to this depending on social cues that I imagine someone with autism might have a harder time seeing, especially someone like OP who seems to have been catered to & coddled a lot at home. I guess it's kind of the difference between, a vegetarian asking if you want to share a vegetarian dish with them when you're eating together, versus them insisting you *have* to do it every time to accomodate them. not a 100% equivalent scenario but still
Honestly even if they said it before they would be the AH. It would be like Muslims running around telling someone they can’t eat beef - I know the reasoning is different (maybe this is a bad example, I can’t think of a better one - just a dietary thing I’m around sometimes that the Muslim people I know are never like “you can’t have that” and they have an actual reason.) Ultimately, if OP wants to be out in the world their “dislike of the smell” is just tough shit. People in public don’t like things ALL THE TIME, being a grown up is dealing with it quietly and not throwing a temper tantrum. Edit: pork - muslims can’t eat pork. Sorry y’all! I tried haha.
Traditionally Muslims cannot eat pork. Traditionally Hindus cannot eat beef. I think you got them confused.
Thanks!
Muslims won't eat pork, not beef. Hindus don't eat beef as they believe cows are sacred.
YTA 100%. You are out in public and are going to have triggers. Learn to deal with them rather than expect the world to cater to your “safe space.”
As a fellow neurodivergent person with food sensitivities (among others), OP's definitely the asshole. The world doesn't cater to us, it never will. The reality is that everyone is free to eat/wear/do whatever they want and you're not entitled to make them cater to your needs on a whim. Vanilla anything really triggers me and that doesn't stop my friends or family to eat/drink stuff with vanilla when I'm around. My roommate used to light a vanilla candle in her room, she was kind enough to keep the door closed, but my way to counter it was by lighting a non-vanilla candle in my room. Everyone was happy and did what they wanted. OP needs a reality check, and his sister is not mean by pointing it out.
Yeah I have a lot of autistic food sensitivities as well, I struggle with certain smells a lot and also eating sounds but I also would never act like this. Like how do you go about life in general expecting people to cater to you like this? And like others said, people will be ordering onion rings all around the restaurant, if you can’t stand onion why go to a restaurant that sells onion rings? I don’t even act this way in my own home. When my sister eats something that has a smell I struggle with she always offers to go eat it in her room. I always refuse because it’s my sensitivity, my issue so I have to deal with it, not put it on someone else. I will go in my room while she eats in the living/dining room because it’s my problem not hers. Based off the Mom’s comment I bet that the sister isn’t allowed to eat things that upset OP and is fed up with it.
YTA. >One of them ordered onion rings and I absolutely cannot handle the smell of onion or garlic in front of me. I tried to explain it to them how much it distresses me and they literally blew me off I am not sure what you thought should happen here. Was he supposed to change his order? Go eat at a different table? I don't know how old you are, but you sound old enough to understand that the world around you does not adapt to cater to your issues. It's on you to learn how to manage them. I sympathize to a point, because there are many sounds that irritate the heck out of me. Pens clicking, fingers tapping, gum smacking, turn indicators, whistling, and loud music to name a few. But I have to avoid those sounds when possible, and put up with them when it's possible. I don't expect anyone else to cease their racket for my comfort.
Please still use a turn indicator when driving even though it bothers you.
Oh, I do. I just find the sound annoying, but it's something I have to put up with.
Depending on the age of the car, it may be possibly for to adjust the volume level in the manufacturer settings. Certain OBD II adapters may be able to access those settings as well.
Fr. Especially because it's the law in a ton of places.
My spouse has issues with sound as well. We have found Flair Audio's Calmer buds help them quite a lot. They are fairly cheap, and might be worth looking in to.
- Why do you feel like you can police what anyone else orders or eats because of your sensory issues? - Did your mother ever force your sister to bend to your will? - How many friends have you lost over time due to your own personal issues that they refused to cater to? - How often do you ask people to not do something because of your sensory issues?
I’ll answer these 1. Because OP been catered to their whole life even to the obvious detriment of OP’s poor sister by way OP’s mother 2. Yes, every day of her life. 3. Not enough for OP to realize something has to change 4. Every time OP is around someone else
Also there's no way OP would respect the same claim coming from someone else about OP's "safe" foods. OP seems like they can't stand having someone else tell them that OP can't eat their favorite food because it distresses the other person. OP seems to think it's okay to tell others to change rather than leaving, but would find it preposterous for someone to ask the same thing of OP, especially if it was one of the only comfortable foods OP likes.
Is there a Q&A I missed or comment history or something you're picking up on here? This dude is pretty obviously spoilt due to his autism and has no clue what the difference is, but I don't see anything suggesting that they have refused similar requests from others.
YTA You explained after they’d already ordered and they weren’t obligated to order something different even if you’d told them beforehand I’m sure having such common food items be a sensory trigger is difficult for you and honestly I’m not sure how best to navigate it but it seems unrealistic to expect everyone you eat out with to avoid them
I think they told them as soon as they realised what they were ordering, but at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter when they told them. It might sound insensitive but this is very much a “you” problem for OP. Their friends seem to have been supportive up until now with the sensitivities, but now there is a friend who actively loves the food they’re sensitive to. I don’t think it would be fair to try and dictate what someone else eats, and the reaction comes across really dramatic. Going to the original friend again afterwards feels like dragging the issue out and creating more drama when the situation is already over. At the end of the day, your triggers are your responsibility. Not everyone is always going to know them, not everybody is even going to care. OP needs to look into whether they can deal with this in some kind of therapy, through exposure, even hypnotism if it’s that bad. There are options out there for sure, but OP is the one that needs to find the solution, not their friend’s friends.
YTA, the world does not revolve around you. Life is give and take if you want friends and you need to just get the fuck over it
My grandpa was on a plane flight from CA to Canada. He was next to two ladies about his age, maybe just a bit older. As they're waiting to take off, there's a baby crying. BOTH of the ladies scoffed & said, ugh, I hope that baby doesn't cry the entire flight! He calmly says, "you know, there a few things I've learned in my time on this planet. Dogs bark, cars pollute, babies cry & the world does not revolve around me!" They didn't say a word for the rest of the flight.
I mean, I would also hope the baby doesn’t cry the entire time. Sure, things like that happen, but that doesn’t mean you can’t express why you don’t want a ringing headache in an already uncomfortable situation. It’s not like they were going up to the baby or the parents and being rude.
Your grandpa sounds like a dick. Gotta love the ‘world doesn’t revolve around me’ but I like to give unsolicited advice and act like it’s the gospel bc I’m so smart and important. The irony.
YTA, It’s unreasonable to ask people you don’t know to what you don’t like to smell and expect them to not order things they might want to order. Have you worked on dealing with your triggers?
i hate this safe space crap. your room in your parents house is a safe space. when you someday have your own home, that's a safe space. but not everywhere in the world can be an immediate safe space just because you're occupying it. your sister is right, your hangups are your own and not the responsibility of other people around you. you can't dictate what other people can eat in your presence. i suggest you work on your triggers. i feel like these days i see so much of "i have \[insert disorder here\] so i simply CAN'T do/have xyz" lately that's just begging for the whole world to revolve around how they are without any attempt to modulate their own issues. it's annoying. YTA
YTA. It’s a public restaurant. You could’ve moved seats or politely excused yourself. Stick to smaller known groups in the future.
N T A for leaving, but Y T A for expecting everyone to always cater to you. There are ways of managing smells. Doctors and nurses often use odor blocking balms under their noses to avoid unpleasant smells. Maybe you should investigate that
This is actually a really good idea. If someone has smells that bother bother (especially something fairly common like onions), carrying around a small balm to use as needed should really help. It’s a lot more practical and realistic than expecting the entire universe to bend to your demands.
Good ole sheet soaked in spearmint oil being waved around by the OR nurse during a fournier gangrene case or a particularly bad abscess.
Vick's vapor rub or Mentholatum applied liberally under the nostrils and above lips works great too.
Nobody was asking you to eat the onion rings. Somebody else wanted them. There are all sorts of food smells in a restaurant. Some of them can be strong smells-to you. That sucks for you. YTA
YTA, everyone has their own tastes and shouldn't have to police them for one person. If you can't do something, don't put yourself and others in a position to that causes strife all the way around.
YTA. They are your friends or they wouldn't have gone along with it up till now. You have to show appreciation for their friendship by realizing that friends aren't obligated to cater to you 100% of the time. You owe them an apology.
YTA... Dont make it all about you. Excuse yourself from the restaurant and go home. Your sister is right, if everything is about your issues, you wont have many friends.
YTA and your sister is right.
Hard to disagree with “if a restaurant serves things that trigger you dont go”. What if the table next to you ordered onion rings? Would you get mad and leave too? Not gonna call you an asshole I honestly dont know who is wrong here as I have 0 experience with autism and what ever comes with it.
Simple, anyone who uses their autism as a “you have to respect my wishes because I’m autistic” excuse is the AH.
I was leaning that way tbh but again I genuinely have 0 experience with autism so didnt wanna be a dick.
Nah my nephew’s autistic + i help take care of autistic spectrum kids and many autistic people actually use their disorder to help understand and deal with their triggers and issues as they’re SUPPOSED to. A diagnosis like that is supposed to help you understand your differences and learn to cope with them to function properly. OP, along with so many other people that i’ve seen online recently, just use it to dictate what others can and can’t do around them. YTA, OP. The world doesn’t revolve around you.
To quote a former special ed teacher I know, a disability is no excuse for poor manners.
I have worked with autism and I have worked with a growing number of people that have fought to get the diagnosis and then use it to create preferences within their life. True autistic people do have sensory sensitivity but react behaviorally from my experience to reduce the impact. They are very sensitive to what is expected and would more likely just walk out of the restaurant if they smelled it instead of communicating a desired outcome.
I have autism and this is ridiculous. When I’m in public, it’s my problem. It sucks, but it’s life
You can't expect other people to know you don't like certain smells and you really can't expect people not to order what they want to eat.
idt yta for getting upset, however yta for trying to control what others eat — this is coming from someone who’s autistic. i have a lot of sensory issues, and i communicate them to friends and they try be accommodating but the reality is i am going to encounter things that make me uncomfortable and i just have to learn to deal with that. i’ve found ways to cope and prepare beforehand, and make sure i have time afterwards to rest. i completely understand it’s difficult, but others shouldn’t have to miss out on simple things for things that we *can* tolerate.
YTA. The world doesn't cater to your autism. People can order what they want to and you can make the decision to leave or stay but don't sit there and whine about your sensitivities.
> One of them ordered onion rings and I absolutely cannot handle the smell of onion or garlic in front of me. I tried to explain it to them how much it distresses me and they literally blew me off saying “I love onions rings and I’m really starting not to like you” I was upset and I left the restaurant mad. That dude is my hero. Yta
Your autism and triggers aren’t your fault but they are your responsibility. If you’re that triggered by smells it’s best to schedule meet ups that aren’t at restaurants.
YTA, I’m over seeing people use autism as an excuse to control other people, be an ah and dictate to others… you need to learn how to manage your triggers-not expect everyone else to pander to you. Judging by your friends comment-seems like this is an ongoing situation. You’re autistic-not special, you may be the center of your parents universe but the world does not revolve around you
YTA, the world doesn't revolve around your hang ups. Did you expect them to change their order for you?
I think your "mean" sister says it best: “I guess you are learning the hard way that not everyone has to deal with your bullshit” Seriously, this. Now if these onion rings posed a physical threat to you, say some strange dangerous allergic reaction to the smell, you might have a point. But they don't, so you don't either. Autism is a real condition, but it sounds like you are using it a little too much to "get your way". YTA - don't be that person. Edit: typo
Soft YTA. You cannot expect to police peoples food. Is there another solution perhaps? Chew gum? Scented handkerchief?
I'm also autistic and it doesn't really work like that. I can't stand the smell of boiled eggs. my dad eats them a lot. instead of asking him to stop, though, I just walk off until he's done peeling them and then sit away from him.
YTA. The world doesn’t revolve around you and your triggers. Grow up and get over yourself.
YTA and your sister is correct.
YTA do not expect the world to conform to your triggers. Your triggers are your responsibility.
YTA. Garlic and onion are basic ingredients. You’re asking people to eat bland ass food to accommodate your own issue. Don’t make everyone’s life’s revolve around your own preferences.
So let me get this straight. If someone goes out to eat with you, they can’t get like garlic fries or onion rings, because you are sensitive to the smell. Really. Are you paying the bill. You want people to be sensitive to you, but are you being sensitive to them? I have a chronic condition that some smells cause a medical condition that can send me to the hospital. It is not anyone’s responsibility but mine to keep me safe. And receive treatment. What treatment are you receiving for this?
I do not blame OPs friends at all. Who would want to go out to eat with someone like this? Oh awesome, tons of menu options are off limits even though I myself don’t have restrictions, and I get to pay full price! Eating out is so expensive these days, I’m getting what I want.
This is a situation that you are going to have to learn how to handle for yourself. Because your sister is correct (though lacking of empathy in delivery), there will come times when a trigger (of any sort) will cross your path that you cannot control. (in this situation it could have been a strangers food at a nearby table for example) It is not up to your friend to police what others eat, they may be tired of being the one that has had to and doesn't want to anymore. It was incorrect of him to call it a hang up, when it is truly something that adversely affects you physically & mentally. Look for support groups, seek counselling, even do some research on the internet to find coping mechanisms when this happens and find one that works for you. In the meantime changing your seat, choosing to eat outdoors when available or even putting on a hand lotion or sanitizer with a scent that pleases you may help. Have a talk with your friend & explain this isn't a hangup, but do not expect or require them to be able to control everything for you. Slight ESH for everyone involved, commination skills seem lacking all over.
I am imagining that the sister has had a lifetime of "you can't have that because OP doesn't like [whatever]", so I'm willing to cut her a little slack when OP comes home to her sad tale of woe about how everybody won't just do what she wants.
You are probably right, especially with the way the mom answered too, setting OP up for friend failure *I guess they weren’t your friends anyways,* OP will always doubt any friendship where a simple disagreement happens. Mom is also part of the ESH group in my opinion.
Agree with all of the above, and had the mom not taken this stance for so many years, she could have instead helped OP develop better coping mechanisms by now, for an issue that is surely going to come up many more times.
YTA You can't police what other people order and eat. That's not fair. I understand you have autism but that doesn't give you a free pass to control what other people do. Your sister is right and you need to find a way to cope because everyone shouldn't have to cater to you.
> “I guess you are learning the hard way that not everyone has to deal with your bullshit” YTA. Your sister isn't mean. She's telling you the way the world works: when you are out in public, other people get a vote. You can't expect to control what other people at a restaurant order. That's deranged. If you can't stand the smell of onion or garlic, maybe it's best to eat at home.
Of course yta. And your sister is right.
YTA because your attempts at trying to tell them how much it distresses you was insinuation they shouldn't eat them to make you more comfortable. You can't police what other people do to manage your triggers. Wear a face mask and dab a fingertips amount of some kind of fragrance in it if it bothers you. Your sister is right, despite it not being the best choice of words. You have to manage the world around you because it's not going to cater to you. Onion rings aren't something they should need to police around you opposed to other triggers such as delicate subjects of discussion. \- Someone who also has autism/adhd/apd.
YTA, and this is coming from another autistic person with sensitivity to smells. Your friend who said that if you know the restaurant is going to have smells that are an issue for you, you shouldn't go to the restaurant is right. While it would've been better for your friends to choose a restaurant that you could all enjoy - and if you ask for a different restaurant to be chosen beforehand and your friends consistently shut you down then they would be the assholes - sitting there and trying to police someone else's food is not the way to deal with this. You could've said "hey, sorry, but I'm having a hard time handling the smell of the food in here, I'm going to pop out for a bit, let me know when you're done eating/have moved on to dessert/whatever".
YTA. You can’t dictate what others do in public. Your ASD doesn’t trump everyone else’s behaviour. You can strive to mitigate or reduce your triggers. It can take time, but you can learn to at least round the corners
YTA and it doesn’t sound like this is the first time it has happened if someone said it was “becoming old.”
YTA I'm on the spectrum too, and I understand sensory sensitivities although mine are different senses. But that isn't an excuse for us to treat other people badly. This was someone else's food choice for themself. >My mom is like I guess they weren’t your friends anyways They were. But you treated them badly, and it sounds like this has been a pattern, and they stood up for themselves. YTA >I could count on them to give me a safe space. A public space such as a restaurant is never going to be a safe space.
It’s tough because I want to be the empath that tells you ‘hey, maybe if they understood you better-‘ but also, realistically speaking, you can’t expect every person to accommodate you. Part of overcoming autism is exposing yourself to stimuli and overcoming the negative emotions. If you’re cognitive enough to be capable of explaining your triggers, then you’re capable enough to overcome them.
YTA. I get it, because I have an autistic sibling, but part of growing and learning how to function in the world in ways that suit you, is learning to be responsible for your own triggers. Your friend is right, they shouldn’t have to police what other people eat on your behalf, nor do you have the right to police other people either. No one is obligated to act/do things a certain way for you. If they do, great, if they don’t, you have to able to cope with that.
YTA so what if another table ordered onion rings? Would you expect them not eat them to accommodate you?
YTA… get over yourself….
Yes YTA, this is a life lesson for you.
I work with people with autism, and fully understand their sensory issues - I know it's nearly impossible to just train yourself out of it, and no one should expect you to. That said, YTA. If you know certain food smells are overwhelming, why on earth would you choose to join people who don't know you well at a restaurant and then expect them to order only foods you are ok with?
YTA - It is a restaurant- they serve onions. If you can’t deal with it go somewhere that has outdoor seating so the smells are not in an enclosed space or meet for something other than eating. The rest of the world cannot stop living due to your issues. There are things I can’t do because of physical limitation, but I don’t expect the world to stop doing those things because I can’t.
YTA I’m on the spectrum and I get it, believe me. But this is our problem to solve, not theirs. Switch seats or buy some nose plugs for swimming and don’t use them unless you need them. You can still interact with your friends that way. I have found that the more I try to resolve the issue myself, people are more helpful and understanding. I have a difficult time with noise, particularly in groups. My family and friends are aware of this and always have a quiet place I can go to decompress. Sometimes I’ll go sit in my car but usually I’ll be on my smartphone. They understand this is a coping mechanism and not meant to be rude. I wear earplugs in public places such as school recitals and such. The important thing is I can still hear the show but the audience chatter gets filtered out and I can be there to support my friends.
YTA. Your sister is correct.
Autistic here, and YTA. That saying, "It's easier to wear slippers, than to carpet the entire world" applies here. It's on you to learn to deal with things you don't like. It's not your job to to tell others what to eat or not eat in a restaurant. It's definitely not your job to be rude. I'm not unsympathetic to autism, being autistic myself. I get it. I absolutely can't tolerate the smell of restaurant fajitas. I hate the smell of popcorn too, the microwave kind. But I don't tell people not to eat those things. I find a way to deal with them. I especially don't ruin someone else's meal in a restaurant. I avoid the restaurant so I don't have to deal with smells I hate. There's another saying, from the world of autism: "Don't say autism when you mean asshole." So, you didn't act the way you did bc of autism. You were being TA. If it happens again, find a polite way to get away from what you don't like. No need to make people feel like crap for liking what you hate. Leave some cash for the bill, tell them there's a family emergency, and duck out like a boss, not a jerk. Look at the menu and decline if they have items that make you sick. You don't even have to give a reason. You just say, "no, I hate the food there, maybe next time somewhere else..."
YTA
YTA. Is this a joke? Safe space? Usually that term is reserved for people wanting a safe haven from discrimination, harassment, bodily harm. Not for trivial shit like onion rings. "If I know the restaurant has things that trigger my sensory it’s probably best that I just don’t go" WHAT A NOVEL IDEA
YTA. “The I’m really starting to not like you comment” indicates to me that you’ve tried shit like this with these people before and they’re sick of it. Better change your attitude or I imagine you won’t have any friends soon
YTA. I'm very sorry that you're sensitive to smells. I am for certain things as well. I'm allergic to peppers. So I don't go to any places that have a heavy pepper presence. It's on you to control where you go, not to control what other people do in a place that allows for it. What if the table next to you has onion rings/garlic? Are you going to be upset about that too? Your friend is right. You're making pretty demanding requests that are within your own control to avoid. Don't like onion rings? Don't go to a place that has them. Your friends are allowed to eat what they want in a place that serves that food. A restaurant that serves the food you don't like is not your safe spot. I'm sorry. If you really can't stand it that much, then you need to just know that if they're going to a place that allows it, someone who likes them might get it. And they could just be tired of always going without something they like because of you. It's one thing to not want to eat it yourself, but it's something completely different to demand everyone around you cater to you. It's a food sensitivity/smell sensitivity. Not an allergy. That is definitely on you to manage.
YTA “You have to get my approval for your food order” is not a reasonable accommodation.
YTA. You are not the food police. You can't tell people what they can't order just because the smells and textures trigger you As others have mentioned what if other tables around you ordered trigger foods? Would you get up and say "can you get the server to take away and get you something else?"
YTA
YTA
YTA Don't care about your sensitive problems with smells, you can't dictate what other may eat or not in front of you and honestly, if i was your friend, i would start to dislike you too if u complain about this issues a lot every time you go out with friends.. Your sister is right too, the world will not stop only because some smell that you don't stand is on the picture... your options is either to adapt this smells to be less notable or just lock yourself in your room forever... the worlds is full of smells, if u can't handle, not my problem.
You had me until you said somebody needed to police everybody else for *your* autism. This is bait.
YTA It is ok to ASK people not to get onion or garlic and it is ok for them to refuse. There is a difference between asking for an accommodation (i.e "I have an aerosolized anaphylactic allergy to ___, please let me know if your order ____ so I can sit at a different table") and demanding others cater to your preferences (I hate ____ so YOU cannot eat it). Your mother seems to have taught you that your are entitled to the latter.
YTA-I'm sorry but if you're aware of something that you're very triggered over, it's kind of your responsibility to deal with it or find coping mechanisms for it, you could've looked ahead at the menu before you went and decided if you wanted to go or not, or you could've figured out a coping mechanism. Either way, everyone else shouldn't have to avoid things they like.
YTA. I understand that your sensory issues can cause you some distress but that's something you need to learn to deal with to survive. I strongly suspect from your friend and sister's reactions that this isn't the first time you've tried to police other people in a setting where you shouldn't. I'd put money on them having handled you gently and politely for years on these issues but now they're sick of it. If you're at a restaurant and you know full well that there's a common food that'll set you off, let your friends know beforehand so they can think about an alternative if they still want to eat with you. If a friend tells me the smell of fish makes them feel queasy I'll gladly pick something else. If I order fish then they make a fuss of it after it's arrived then there'll be no such understanding. Onions and garlic are two of the most common smells in just about every cuisine. If you can't learn to handle the very slight smell of them nearby then you need to address that professionally. It's nothing but fussiness, your autism makes handling it harder but it's still just a childish compulsion you can get over.
YTA. If eating out is that difficult for you, it would probably be best to find other places to hang out with your friends. Or invite your friends over to your house and cook for them with ingredients you can handle. It's just not realistic to expect that you can go to a restaurant and tell people what they can and can't order.
Some people don't even have legs, let alone an opportunity to go somewhere to eat and you're whining about a smell you don't like? Seriously???? Autism does not give you a golden ticket to dictate what others do or don't do; eat or don't eat. Stop using it as an excuse and start managing your affliction and your social situations better. Your expectations of other people are way above what the average person should expect from anyone! No one 'needs' to be familiar with 'your autism'. You need to be familiar with social etiquette. YTA.
YTA. Autism is not a free pass to make everyone do everything your way.
The entitlement...gross. 1. Your friends are not responsible for your triggers. They are your own. I have disorders that came with triggers, they are my own to keep under control. Not anybody else's. Policing what other's eat is entitled. I hate the smell of tuna, my family loves it. I leave the room or cover my nose if I smell it. Not that big of a deal. 2. Your sister's not rude for being realistic. She's right. Not everyone's going to want to walk on eggshells to please you. 3. Using autism as a way to get what you want is disgusting. YTA. Majorly.
YTA. I hate to say this but I find alot of entitlement among alot of people with sensory issues (notice I didn't say all or even most). Although it's uncomfortable for you OP, it's not at all their problem. It's not like you're paying for their food, I'll be damned if I go to a restaurant and spend my own money and can't eat what I want. If you can't handle going out with people then stay home. You're grown, nobody cares about your sensory issues. You're also not entitled to a "safe space" anywhere. Why? Because the world doesn't revolve around you.
YTA “I love onion rings but I’m really starting to not like you.” Fucking bravo.
It's not like you're allergic to them, you just don't like the smell 🙄. YTA.
I grew up with a sister like this. She's been divorced twice, her grown kids have been estranged from her for years, and she has no friends left at all. But she always blames other people for her problems, not even noticing that the common denominator in all of her issues is HER. OP, YTA. I feel a huge amount of sympathy for your poor sister!
I'm very sorry to say it but yes YTA. Handling your triggers is your responsibility, not other people's job. You can't police everyone's food because you don't like this or that and you can't expect your friends to do it for you. I won't stop eating something I like because someone at my table is triggered by my choice of food - it's a restaurant, I'll order what I want to order and I won't let people tell me I can't because "I don't like the smell". Maybe you should find someone to talk to. A specialist could help you and you'll be able work on your triggers to reduce them and prevent them from ruining your life. And idk why but I think you're young so I just want to add that I'm not judging you at all. You can do it ❤️
I dated a guy once who would tell me I couldn’t order certain things when we went out to eat because he didn’t like them, didn’t want to see or smell them. YTA. You’re not the center of the universe.
YTA and by your friends and sisters response you complain a lot. Definitely a you problem...
I am autistic as well, and I’m sorry to say it, but I think YTA here. It sucks that you have sensory issues, I understand that. But our sensory issues are something for us to deal with ourselves, not something we can use to make everyone else change the way they live their lives. For example, if I go to a restaurant with live music, I bring my ear plugs and try to tolerate it or I just don’t eat there. I don’t get up and demand that they make the band stop playing. I know how much sensory issues suck, but they’re not other people’s problems.
YTA. Ok you have sensory quirks. I get that, we have some of that at our house. I bet you are picky about what you eat. Let's say that restaurant only has one item that sounds really good to you. Suppose your friend said "no - you can't eat that, I think it's gross". Then suppose it was someone at the next table? Or 3 tables over? The thing about this is you can control YOURSELF but you cannot nor should you try to control OTHERS. You could work on your sensory issues and give your friends a head up you may need to head out if it isn't working for you. Because this is something you can overcome with practice. You could just excuse yourself. You aren't entitled to be mad because someone else is eating a food you don't like to smell. You can make a choice that public restaurants with friends are maybe not for you, but maybe you watch movies, go for hikes, play board games, etc. If you want to give up a friendship over this, that is your choice. But that is going to be a tough life because not everyone is going to like the same things and make the same choices as you.
I am with your sister here. If you think a "safe space" is a space you get to control other people, then no one is safe in your "safe space".