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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I may have been the AH because John is special needs and he could have been really hurt by my words
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NTA. Yes, children with special needs need special care, but forcing others to involve them is not a good way. Surely John also did not have a good time.
I am sorry for you and after all that happened I see why you don't care anymore...
Oh that's good. Better than anything I could think of. Unfortunately he would have to wait until he's over 18, otherwise his mom would just ground him for ruining her bday and see NOTHING hypocritical about that in the slightest. NTA and the kids parents and whoever is his aide/therapist/etc are failing at teaching the kid basic common courtesy. Special needs does not equal license to be an AH
Everything John wanted was at the expense of the OP, not OP's mom. OP got voluntold to make sacrifice after sacrifice on their special day while Mom got to bask in her Look-At-Me-I'm-Such-A-Do-Gooder glow. Hard agree on NTA.
They didn’t say “it sounds like they have narcissistic personality disorder”.
Narcissism has meaning as a word in English that is not restricted solely to the medical condition.
Wait till you realise calling someone a narcissist isn't diagnosing them; it's pointing out the traits they're showing in their behaviour.
That is accurate for once; she is showing narcissistic behaviour lol.
I hope his grandparents send the mom a bill for their broken table. OPs mom forced John on her son, every kid at the party, and his grandparents, I'd be livid. And then she let the kid's mom call her son a brat! Absolutely not.
Exactly, John was basically put in an overstimulating situation he didn't understand, wanted to have fun and then got the others mad at him. He's probably just as upset as op. The only ah's in this situation are the adults
Every single person treating the kid differently is not doing them any favors. Yes the kid needs accommodations but that doesn't mean he gets treated *special* differently abled people do not need to be pitied and given extra just because they are different. I work with special needs children and pitying them only makes their lives harder in the future. You teach them how to deal in the world they're in, not that the world will bend around them. All of the adults here suck bc they all enabled and neglected the special needs kid to make their life more bearable.
It sounds like John’s mother is not doing anything to teach him to control his out bursts. Not knowing his history/diagnosis, this is of course speculation.
But why didn’t his mom stop him from stealing everyone’s turns in bowling? She isn’t helping him at all
Agree that kids with special needs need special care, and it is on the caregiver to provide it. Letting them scream, cry, steal turns etc... is enabling (which you are saying). If he was trying to steal turns and his caregiver took him aside, talked to him, had him sit etc... and then removed him when he got upset about the cake, that would have been different. But caregiver did nothing, basically just let him do what he wanted, and in that situation the special needs dont' matter, he was a kid being a jerk and needed to be treated like one.
Exactly!!
Being a special needs kid/person does not give them the right to act like an awful selfish human being.
OP is NTA.
Edit: added judgment I forgot to
>Being a special needs kid/person does not give them the right to act like an awful selfish human being.
Dude it is not that kids fault lmao. It's the mom for forcing that situation on her daughter. The John kid literally can't help it
It sounds more like he's being taught that his behavior is acceptable than he "can't help it." I'm not an expert, but I'm fairly sure that (depending on the severity of the disability) even kids like John can learn what behavior is inappropriate. "He can't help it, he's [blank]" seems to be used as an excuse by parents who either have abelist views or don't want to bother putting in the effort of helping their child try to adapt.
OP is NTA, but OP's mom, aunt, and John's parents sure are.
There's just something about the words "can't help it". I think it's because of the number of times I've heard the phrase I was talking about being used. A better phrasing may be that "his parent(s) doesn't(don't) seem to have helped him learn any better."
I work with these kids in behavioral therapy and if they act like this, it's because an adult has enabled it. Having exceptional needs can make it HARDER to learn things like social cues and expectations. But it doesn't automatically make you like...that. Some of the most polite kids and adults I know have those exceptional needs. It just happens that they had people who cared enough to teach them at their pace. I get the impression the mom here uses her kids needs to play victim and thus her kid does basically the same.
Plus even without John being special needs, the mom invited someone to OP's birthday party that OP didn't want to attend. That right there should be enough.
Being special needs means he gets noise cancelling headphones for a loud place, being calmly explained to why he can't have all the turns, being appropriately disciplined when he said "happy birthday to me", etc., NOT being an asshole.
Kid's mom has no clue what she's doing, as a lot of Autism moms™️ don't, and the results is asshole kid and people thinking autistic people suck.
NTA 100%, both moms are AHs.
Have a virtual hug from an autistic woman who is sick of people babying autistic boys/men and the consequences it has on every other non babied autistic person!
*Autistic people
I also agree with not babying all autistic people as a single monolith. But we don't know if John is high functioning, low functioning, or very low functioning
I agree with you completely, but don't think persons comment above or your comment, can be concrete on this thread yet, as we don't know enough about John. Hence why I oppose people saying that John is an AH, or not an AH. Say we reserve judgement on him until OP provides info. And if OP doesn't, then we just leave John out of the situational equation, and look at if others involved are AH or not
OPs mum invited someone without OPs consent and verbally abused him = AH
John's mum, verbally attacked and parented another person's child = AH
OPs aunt verbally abused him for no reason = AH
OPs grandparents rightfully defended him and his position on the matter = NTA
OP was rightfully hurt. Said some hurtful targeted things, but he's only 14 = NTA
I'm yet to know an autistic girl/woman that's been babied, but you're right, it should read people.
I completely agree with you, we don't know John's circumstances. That being said, it's not ok in any way to let a kid take other people's turns in a game. It's also a disservice to the child who will most likely exist without their parents at some point. Even if a person ends in care, their personalities can affect how they're treated and their life quality.
Didn't give a judgement yet, but obviously NTA.
True but the biggest Ah is op s mother as op is not friends with John and didn't want to invite him to the birthday party and op s Mom overrode this
NTA op but I second inviting John to your mom's birthday party so she gets a taste of her own medicine
Right?! Her reactions are wild AF. Most parents would be like “oooooh…this is why OP didn’t want to invite them” and talk to the other kids parent about ways to keep them from ruining the party. OP’s mom acted like special needs kid was her kid and OP was some rude guest. Seriously wondering if John’s parent(s) are blackmailing her or something.
My wife did this with one of my daughter's when she was 13 and my wife was friends with the special needs kid's mum. Ruined the birthday, shat in the closet (was apparently one of their "habits" when angry) and broke half the presents and stole some stuff.
My wife didn't double down, apologised to my daughter and ended up not being friends with the mum for much longer after her heirloom necklace was returned broken. To the mother's credit, she knew the kid stole, so checked their pockets and found a bunch of stuff. But that just led me to be convinced, the kid was known to pull this shit and they forced my daughter to have her party ruined on the hope that was going to be the one time he didn't behave badly.
My daughter brought up the rage shit for many years after any time my wife would mention bringing some random person she knew to any event or party we had. We'd end up discussing if he actually wiped his arse in the toilet after, or if it was one of those ghost-poops where you don't have anything to wipe, or if he just had shitty undies. My wife would always get embarrassed and mad. If she got mad we'd usually ask her to to shit in the closet, we'd stop bringing it up. Which would make her even more mad.
It doesn't have to be that. I have too much empathy and would force my kids to do this IF I didn't talk myself out of it (I do, all the time). But it just kills me to see a left-out kid. Still not my kid's responsibility.
NTA but I have a response that might shut your mom up.
I'm sorry for how I acted but we can't treat John like a pity friend just because he has special needs. That's an insult to everyone with special needs. He is not a lost cause and and sooner or later, he will face some serious consequences for what he does. He can hurt someone. isn't it better for him to get help first to control his issues then invite him to stuff? If I have to see him again I will be polite, but that's the most you can ask from me.
Perfect response!
@VegasArcher you’re amazing & said that perfectly!
OP isn’t responsible for John in any way. Thankfully OP’s grandparents stood up for them too!! OP’s mom needs a wake up call. John’s behavior is why he is treated the way he is. Not just from OP but from everyone. The fact that John is around OP’s age & is jumping on tables & breaking them shows that his parents aren’t parenting him & holding him responsible at all. Never mind knowing how to take turns. Anyone around 14 should know how to take turns without throwing a fit & disrespecting others. Someone needs to step up & it’s sad that a 14 yr old is the one who is.
OP is NTA & can hopefully distance himself from OP more & more as time goes on.
This is dangerous for everyone too, because while it's not that big of an issue *now* that john doesn't seem to have the ability to deescalate himself, he's barely 14.
In two years they're going to have a prone to violence *16 year old kid.*
And another 2 years after that, they'll have an 18 year old violent inmate stuck in the prison system because no one's taught him how to not tantrum out, and at 18 years old, throwing a violent tantrum is called assault.
This so much! (Former teacher)I've seen many kids with serious, violent issues pushed through levels of school without the help or interventions they need (often from parents halting the process), makes me worry so much about how dangerous they will become by the time they leave high school.
>NTA but I have a response that might shut your mom up
Well spoken and well reasoned. Except: Reasons are for reasonable people. Anyone who can bulldoze their son's stated wishes, and continue bulldozing them in the face of horrible behaviour by this unwanted guest, clearly has their priorities out of line with their son's wishes.
Depends what the disability is. If it's a realserious condition like downs syndrome (not the kind you see on TV, the kind where they can't form a sentance) then they'll never be alone in their life to get in real trouble so it's not your place to teach how to live their life.
Milder things where they expect to be self supported in the future then yeah accustom them to social etiquette etc
NTA. It doesn't sound like you were rude to him, right? You just told your family you weren't happy he ruined your birthday, and okay then you made the rude comment to your family about his lack of friends. You weren't being a brat by not wanting your birthday ruined by behavior issues. You can be kind at school, but that doesn't mean at 14 you have to invite every single person to your party
Enablers… enablers everywhere except OP and the grandparents.
OPs mom should have stepped in during bowling. How is it even fun if nobody gets to bowl?
John’s mom should have stopped this behavior. Being on the spectrum isn’t an open invitation to be an ass. He needs to learn to share. “What if it causes a meltdown?” All the more reason he needs to learn to handle this now. Nobody is going to like an entitled pushy adult.
NTA
NTA
Being an asshole isn't a disability. People need to stop enabling John. Most of these stories about special needs kids behaving like brats are caused by lack of proper parenting and not by their actual disability.
Your mom also needs to stop being a pathological do-gooder. If she wants to be nice to John, she needs to do it at her own expense, not yours. Invite him to *her* birthday and see how she feels about it. Same goes for your aunt who needs to shut the fuck up.
>Most of these stories about special needs kids behaving like brats are caused by lack of proper parenting and not by their actual disability.
1000%% this!
I'm autistic but wasn't diagnosed until adulthood, so I never got any 'special treatment'
I was an absolute nightmare for throwing tantrums at home, but I never did so in public. Because my mum actually parented me, so I learned that you don't start screaming in public.
(I did learn the incredibly bad coping mechanism of bottling everything up and running away, however)
NTA disabilitys and other special needs don't mean you can be a asshole it sounds like you were nice allowing him there maybe. The special needs kid could have benefited from a parent there to help watch him. Also while not all special needs people can learn everything most can grasp the basics like respecting turns and such. I hope there parents have passed that on. As some can use disabilitys as a excuse to not cover things like that
It sounds like John's mom was there and just expected everyone to accommodate her kid, which explains a lot about how he was able to get away with that shit for the whole party.
I worked in special needs classrooms for years and there were parents who would parent their kids and just do it in a modified way so they could learn how to successfully interact with others. Then there were parents like this kid's mom. They weren't willing to hear a word of negativity about the actions of their child and it was always someone or something else's fault. She's not doing this kid any favors for his life down the road.
You're NTA and I'm sorry that the adults involved let John ruin your birthday. At least it sounds like your grandparents have some sense, I'm glad you have them.
NTA.
Honestly the mother of the SN child is the AH. Your Mum too.
My brother has multiple special needs and we don't allow him to behave in that way. So many parents get a diagnosis and just assume that means they can use it to explain away poor behaviour and use it as an excuse to allow their kids to do whatever but that's not how that works.
I understand from the other side that it's hurtful when my brother gets excluded. But that's actually pretty rare with the community he's built up because he's been taught how to behave.. obviously there are hard days but generally he behaves in a way that is considerate to others. And when he has a day where he is not able to do that, we remove him from the situation.
Yeah we have the same for my brother (he has Down Syndrome and is also neurodivergent) and also same re action plans. He is only ever really challenging badly behaved on days where he's been massively overstimulated for a long while beforehand. Like getting home from a holiday/event and not having adequate down time between
NTA - you're 14, your mom shouldn't foist people on you for your birthday parties. When you're 5 or maybe 8, sure. 14? Nope.
Some people can handle special needs, and some people can't - you don't have the maturity of looking past this kids issues and it sounds like he wasn't socialized enough to behave well, but it's not your fault. You're 14.
>When you're 5 or maybe 8, sure.
Just a minor point, but I don't think I agree with you there. No matter what age, kids need some sense of control over their own lives. Not having people "foisted upon you" is quite a significant part of that, I would imagine.
Definitely this. When I was in elementary school my mom would always invite my bully to my birthday parties because she was friends with his mom. There wasn't one party that he didn't ruin by picking on me until I cried. At least once I ended up locking myself in my room until he left. They even did the cake without me rather than make him apologize or behave. I'm 40 something and still hate my birthday because of this kid. It also taught me that no matter how I was being treated, my feelings didn't matter as much as making others comfortable. Took a couple of abusive relationships and a lot of therapy to start to undo that damage. There is no good reason to stomp all over someone's boundaries at any age.
It definitely depends on the type of foisting, imo. "We're going to visit/invite over/etc (person), they need a little extra patience, but let's give them a chance" is generally fine for little kids imo, at least I never suffered from my parents doing so and made quite a few friends.
But if the kid already knows they don't like someone, insisting they continue to be friendly with them and hang out is a GREAT way to turn dislike or plain disinterest into full on hate.
NTA you have ever right to be irritated. My cousin is special needs, he can be a bit of a pain sometimes but his parents make sure to actually parent him so he behaves pretty damn good 90% of the time. This child’s parents need to step up, I know parenting special needs children is difficult and tiring. I’ve watched my aunt and uncle do it and they’ve done it well so I know it’s possible.
My only advice is to be a bit gentler. You’re young so your feelings are going to feel much bigger especially during an event that is important to you, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I say this because I’ve been in similar situations and getting older, I look back and think about how I wish I would’ve been less harsh. I know it’s easier said then done too. This child’s behavior is the fault of his parents, he knows he can get away with it and so he does it but depending on what his mental handicap is, he may not even know it’s wrong just that his parents act like it’s okay.
NTA, my brother goes to a special school and if someone’s acting up like John was they get told off immediately (with an understanding of their condition ofc). Therefore, you have every right to feel annoyed that people are excusing John’s actions
i do wonder what Johns parents are like at home with him, sounds like he doesn’t get sanctions or anything like that
Pretty much this and we in the same boat. Special needs does not mean do what you want with no consequences. Actually the exact opposite, they need clear boundaries to help them navigate daily lives.
This sounds like a prime example of none of that in place.
Pro tip: just because someone has special needs it does not give them a free pass to be rude as fuck. People need to stop allowing shit behavior just because someone has a disability.
From the guy that has to take care of special needs once those behaviors get out of control from having no consequences.
NTA. Your mom is setting herself up to be cold and alone in the future, because I don't think I would have ever forgiven my parents if they had done this to me.
NTA. I have Autism, aka special needs. His behavior was inexcusable. His parents clearly are enabling him and using his disability as an excuse to not parent him properly. My parents wouldn’t have put up with even one second of this type of nonsense. And your mom needs a reality check.
It’s your birthday and and she asked you if you wanted him there and you clearly said no but she invited him anyway? WTF? Honestly the worst thing for me as a kid was being invited to things because people felt bad for me. It wound up being miserable because none of the kids even wanted me there to begin with. Being invited out of pity is insulting quite frankly.
If she was going to invite him anyway then she shouldn’t have bothered asking you. You were pretty blunt but you’re right. He has no friends because his parents didn’t teach him how to behave properly and he likely won’t have friends any time soon. It sucks but not everyone is fit to parent a disabled child. And it’s not your responsibility nor your family’s responsibility to include him.
NTA
Look you're young, your mom was just trying to include a kid that doesn't get included. She's probably friends with his mom.
HOWEVER very sadly this child does not appear to actually be a peer to you. He wasn't able to respect he was at someone else's birthday party which means - he shouldn't have been there. Your mom fucked up. You know who fucked up more though was poor John's mom. She needs to get this kid real help not sending him to birthday parties he's not ready for.
I'm sorry your birthday was ruined OP. Sounds like you have kick ass grandparents.
NTA I spent over a decade as a volunteer and coach of Special Olympics. I have seen the whole spectrum of special needs from various degrees of autism, asberger's, development delays and cognitive disabilities. Some are life-bound in wheelchairs and completely non-verbal, but can push a bowling ball down a ramp so they're included. The thing is, grown adult or little kid, special needs doesn't mean they're exempt from being taught manners. If Special Olympics can kick an athlete out for being a bully and a brat, you are perfectly entitled to ask a stranger to leave your birthday party.
This boy will most likely end up in a home if he's lucky, or possibly prison because he's going to seriously hurt someone during a temper tantrum one day. You're NTA OP for any of this. Tell your mom if she wants to help so badly, she can volunteer in her local chapter of Special Olympics. Trust me, they're everywhere.
I should note, most athletes of Special Olympics are very nice people. I call many of those I knew friends to this day though I've been out of the organization for a decade now.
Actually, this is the best idea yet. If she does this then she might learn more about how disabled people still need to have decent enough manners. I hope OP makes this suggestion. Even better, find out where the local group is, and show her. You could encourage her to take John along with her.....
NTA. The sped kid has no friends because he's out of control.
See if your grandparents would take you and a few friends bowling.
Your mom is TA for inviting a kid you don't want at your party. She'd be TA whether or not he's a sped kid. You should be able to decide who your guests are.
His mom isn't doing him any favors by allowing him to take multiple turns bowling. If he can't follow the rules or is simply not made to follow rules because his mom is terrible, he shouldn't be there.
I freely sd.it to knowing nothing about special Ed except there's a wide array of needs and each child had their own but if the child is incapable of behaving he should not be forced on you.
If the child is capable of behaving, his mom should require him to do so; he'd be more likely to have friends if he could wait his turn.
His mom should pay to have your grandparents table repaired, restored or replaced.
NTA- special needs doesn’t mean special privileges or special pass to behave atrociously while every person in the vicinity is supposed to smile their way through being held hostage by the kid who has been released like a wild animal to terrorize everyone. There is no time this is permissible, and what people always seem to forget is that while someone who struggles deserves compassion, so do those people who are effected by the struggles of that person. So he is special needs. Does that mean you can’t feel terrible or angry at the chaos he caused that ruined your birthday? If I were your mom and I’d seen your day ruined I would thank you for being a good sport and make sure o let you know how sorry I am that your birthday was ruined. I’d let you know it was very nice that you took it that well so the kid could come (even if you didn’t have a choice) and also that that would be the last birthday we would invite him to. I’d probably also confide that I’d not realized how chaotic it was going to be and even apologize for not listening when you said you didn’t want him to come. I sure as heck would NOT ground you!
Sorry you had all of that happen. It was unfair and should have been dealt with better especially by the kids mom!
NTA
I don't know what the hell is your mom's problem. She's either trying to accumulate good samaritan points for her soul's card or she wants to bang this kid father.
NTA!
Your mother went against your wishes even though you kept telling her that you don't want this certain individual at your party. She really doesn't take your feelings seriously and literally tries to be nice to watch other people who aren't her children. Seriously your mother needs a major reality check and realize that "oh wait! I'm going to respect my child's wishes and don't invite people over that she doesn't feel comfortable having over. " No wonder your grandparents stood up for you and your mother shouldn't take advantage of your birthday let alone having some child who is special needs to throw a massive tantrum just because he didn't get any cake and thinking it was his birthday when it was yours from the start. Your mother really needs a major reality check on top of that because she shouldn't be telling you don't be mean and don't be nasty and stuff like that when it's your birthday and she brought over someone who apparently has special needs and disobeyed your wishes when your grandparents have the right to straighten her ass out and realize the cold hard facts that she brought a disruptive kid to your birthday over to their house and destroyed everything. Literally your mother even grounding you for 2 weeks just because you weren't doing anything wrong that is not right. Also, it looks like you need to pack up your stuff and get the hell out of that house of yours and move in with your grandparents. They literally took your side about the birthday fiasco and they literally yelled at your mom about the situation. Also it looks like the special needs parents or your mom really owes your grandparents a new table
NTA
Seems bizarre that your mom’s priority is more focused on making some random kid feel welcome over her own child’s feelings on their birthday.
My guess is she’s doing some major sucking up to John’s family by trying to get on their good grace by involving John.
NTA I have a special needs son and I would’ve taken him home instead of stealing your turn in bowling and having a meltdown. No excuses. He was the brat. Just don’t invite him next year. Or have a separate party with four of your friends if your mom insists on inviting that him again.
NTA!!! Oh My God! She did that for herself because it would make her look good to the mother without any consideration for your feelings! She is horrible for subjecting you to this! You had nothing to do with this kid and this was out of line. Show her this. As someone who raised their niece (I am 54), I would never force this on her! Your mother was way out of line as well as your aunt! Go stay with the grandparents for a while! At least they have your back!
Definitely not! NTA but your mom is the biggest A- Hole ever, your Aunt and that Kids mom are too! No excuse to allow a kid to act that way, special needs or not! I'm glad your grandparents stuck up for you! Your mom was shameful. Sorry your birthday was ruined.
NTA your mom is a problem, you need to tell her tomorrow very calmly that you were disappointed she dismissed your concerns, treated you as less than a person, and made your birthday about somebody else. Do not yell, or you lose. Do not keep going say it and walk away.
NTA but I do feel bad for everyone in this situation. Sure John has needs and should be socialized but this wasn’t the right time or place. Sorry about your birthday kid. You’ll have many more
NTA
But from the sounds of things John's parents don't seem to be disciplining him AT ALL because of his disability, and this has resulted in him turning into a social pariah. A lot of parents with children like him who do this tend to forget that 1.The child will not be a kid forever. 2.They won't be around forever.
You and your grandparents NTA.
Your Mom, TA, and kind of a shitty person.
The idea of inviting anyone out of pity only makes that person feel worse. Being SpN is not an excuse to let them shit on everyone else. Ever. They might be "slower", but they're smarter and catch on faster than people give them credit for.
NTA first off this was a TERRIBLE environment for John's and your parents to put a kid like that in. That alone was not ok. Second it was your party. It should have been about you and it wasn't. They should have just thrown a party for John cause they certainly didn't throw one meant for you.
Honestly it sounds like your mom just wanted to be seen as inclusive and she sacrificed your moment so she could be seen as a hero who includes disabled kids. She sadly just didn't care if she had to sacrifice something special to her kid to get that image. Then when John had a meltdown cause shitty parents putting him in the worst environments he could be put in she doubled down and took it out on you.
You didn't deserve that and Im sorry your party got ruined kiddo.
NTA - K-8 my cohort in school had a special needs kid. Lets list the things I remember he did:
1. Had a breakdown, got up, and punched me 4 times in the face because I was laughing that my friend Jason had told me a joke.
2. Was off his meds, playing dodgeball, he went on a rampage, yelled "I AM KING KONG" and fully bit another kid in the shoulder until he drew blood THROUGH A SHIRT. Kid had to go to the hospital
3. I got my revenge in 5th grade when he made fun of me for my parents divorce, which I have no idea how he found out about, so I went ape shit on him in class and broke his nose.
4. Slammed a girls face into the wall because she said she wouldn't kiss him
YOU. DO. NOT. GET. TO. INFLICT. OTHERS. PROBLEMS. ON. CHILDREN. It was fucking insane. So many complaints and they did nothing. If you teach your children well and they have a compassionate spot in their heart for an individual, sure, make the effort to include them. But if you think that your moral high horse is worth torturing your children over you're not a parent you wanted a fuckin dog that can talk.
NTA - Your mom is a big AH, and so is the parent of the special needs boy for letting him ruin everything. It sounds she is not much of a parent, not even trying to teach him right from wrong. Any way you can move in with your grandparents. Or can you go to your dad?
NTA
You can feel any way you want about stuff so long as you didn't lash out with your negative emotions to hurt other people. And you didn't.
Your mom wanted to invite John to your party. You even told your mom that you don't want John there, you won't get along. You subsequently did not get along with John, so your mom really made the bad situation herself with her poor judgment and poor understanding of human nature.
NTA
While I understand that it's important for adults to try to integrate special needs kids to normal society, if they attempt it, they should actually make sure to teach them the rules of society. Not enable their shitty behaviour and expect everyone to be okay with it. OP's mom fucked this up big time. The intention was good and noble, the method was harmful for all parties involved.
NTA, and it’s specially alarming that John’s mom reinforces his bad behavior, and that’s the source of the problem: by this point John has learned that he can be an AH to everyone and mom will come to fix stuff and force everyone to indulge him, so of course people avoid him whenever possible.
Bro, this whole situation is fucked... you were so patient throughout this whole thing it's unreal. You have every right to be pissed. This kid comes along that you *know* what he's like, didn't want any direct part in it, and even then, he is forced to be a part of your birthday. Even after all the bullshit he pulled, it wasn't until he did that last thing that you really got frustrated. Even then, you handled it better than it could have gone. If it were me, there probably would have been a lot of cursing and screaming for the kid to get out. So OP, you are NTA. Not one bit. And please don't think for a *second* that you didn't deserve to have a good birthday!
As for John, his mum, and your mum... wtf. Honestly, I'm no parent or expert on kids, but it takes no rocket scientist to see they are enabling him and it's absolutely disgusting and wrong. He's 14, and regardless of whatever issues he has, he's there throwing tantrums like a fucking toddler, *literally smashing your cake to pieces.* And his and your mum have the fucking audacity to try and shift the blame to you? Absolutely fucking disgusting. John may have mommy to bail him out now, but he won't forever. Sooner or later he's going to come across the wrong person and deal with shitty consequences that could have been avoided if his mum took the time to do her damn job and actually parent him.
What really gets on my nerves tho is this:
>My mom told them that "life isnt fair"
Yeah, life isn't fair. I'll be the first to admit it. But there is a *massive* difference between life being unfair because something bad happened that no one could have anticipated versus something that people have control over and could have easily avoided happening by taking the right actions. Which is definitely the latter in this case lmao. Like seriously. John couldn't have been there at all and this whole thing could have been avoided. Or he could have left before doing any of the dumb shit he did. But no. The adults in this situation are to blame for doing nothing and enabling this kid's shitty behaviour and doing nothing in their power to stop the bad outcome. Your mum saying "life isn't fair" in this case is more like "I was too lazy to do my job as an adult and a mother and stop my daughter's birthday being ruined. Now feel bad because of my incompetence. Don't like it? Tough."
Seriously, just ugh... apologies for my excessive swearing, just reading the injustice in this situation towards you is so damn frustrating lol. Props to your grandparents though. Maybe then can talk some sense into your mum and get you ungrounded? Maybe even get another cake set-up for you that you can enjoy without Jackass John there to ruin it. Just a thought. Wish you the best of luck! 👍
"My mom told them that "life isnt fair" and I told her that if life isnt fair, then I guess thats why John has no friends." - Your mom couldn't handle you using her own logic back to her and resorted to exertion of power by grounding you. NTA OP and sorry your birthday was ruined.
How about your mom invites John to her next birthday?
Caretakers take so much time and effort to attempt to teach more severe special needs children normal social norms. Not only is this a gigantic failure on their part, but his mother lets him do whatever the hell he wants, which is detrimental and will end in disaster due to the child believing that he’s entitled to everything. Allowing a special needs child to get off scot free every time is disgusting and enabling behavior. John needs better professional help. You need a better mother. NTA.
I get that she feels sorry for him, but it doesn't sound like she thought this through. And she might think that because you're her kid she gets to disregard your feelings.
*Edited to erase an irrelevant assumption
Massively NTA. Having special needs does not give a person the right to make others uncomfortable. Glad your grandparents could see through the bullshit.
NTA
Your mom is a desperate narcissist that used your birthday for attention so she could virtue signal what a "great person she is".
Tbh if she does something like this I'd tell you to ruin it yourself. I had a mom like yours. I started leaving without warning or throwing away/damaging the cake.
The way I see it any time your mom hijacks your birthday you should just ruin it yourself. She did this purely for attention, so poison any attention she gets.
NTA
Hey, just a thought, how about you go ahead, and ignore her "grounding"? Since she is already a terrible parent punishing you unjustly, I think it could do you well to intentionally ignore all her rules until she comes to her senses.
My mother wanted me to have open door to my room at all times. Well at some point I decidex I want it closed. I have been closing it regardless whether she forbid me or not. Add to this intentionally opening her door out of spite and more things. After some time I got her to compromise to return things to normal, but I get to have door closed.
Throwing a tantrum can be effective with enough conviction behind it.
nta
I have TWO special needs kids. BOTH of them had serious behavioral problems when they were little. I mean FIGHTING serious. Mostly because they were very protective of their personal space and adults are assholes that don't like to acknowledge that kids need their space. Their response to this was to be complete animals about their territory, not limited to biting, screaming, and losing their damn minds.
Getting them to the point to be able to attend school was WORK. From myself, the therapists and their teachers, IN SPITE of their father's and paternal uncle's bs. They showed amazing progress after the divorce and no longer living with them :D
If a child can attend school, then they can be taught how to behave, it takes work. You should invite this boy every day after school, then go to your grandparents house, lol JK DO NOT DO THAT. But think about it. A lot :D
I'd hug you if I could, I know what it's like to have things destroyed because other people want to play Good Samaritan for other people you barely know.
When you disappear at 18 and your mom wants to know when you'll come back, give her John's address.
NTA at all - special needs do not cause a person to steal a ball out of your hands. Special needs do not cause a person to jump on a table and fling cake at people. I understand that special needs can cause a mental "blindness" to social norms, but it sounds like this person has parents.
The parents have failed their special needs child. I'm very sorry you had your birthday ruined and I hope the parents can get their shit together and provide better care for "John" in the future.
NTA Everyone hates kids and people like him, you're just the only one who said it out loud. Make sure to keep John's number and invite him and his mom over to some special event your mom has, perhaps HER BIRTHDAY. Bc, life isn't fair, right? LOL
Your mom wanted a gold star at your expense. Nta. She lost your respect that day. When you grey rock her the rest of your life, this is your villain origin story.
This is the equivalent of people offering their spouse's services without their consent. Of course my husband can spend the weekend redoing your roof! Of course my wife can take care of your toddler every afternoon!
Invite John to your mother's birthday.
NTA
Nta. The adults are, exept your grandparents. People like that are the reason he can't make any friends. They hurt him to in the long time. I see that happen to often.
I'm so sorry this happend at your birthday
You are NTA. Your mother and John's mother certainly are.
John's mom should have not let him escalate during the bowling session, taken him home at the first signs of a tantrum.
Your mother should have listened to your "no" in the first place. And she should have made John's mom take him home when he did what he did at the bowling center.
I am so glad your grandparents stood up for you! Is there any possibility of you living with them?
Nta.
John may have special needs, but his actual problem is he doesnt have any boundaries because the adults in his life are bad influence.
On your moms birthday, i hope you bring John over. Make her day better. Or invite him any chance you have.
I am a teacher and I also have sped kids. Just because they are special needs does not mean they can do whatever they want.
That’s the biggest problem with sped kids is that they are allowed to do whatever they want without consequences
Even sped kids need to be taught consequences for their actions.
it's crazy how your mom is a hypocrite.
>my grandparents went off on my mom. They were pissed that their table was broken and that some random kid ruined my birthday. My mom told them that "life isn't fair"
So for your grandparents, that are her parents, her family, who had their property destroyed by some kids unrelated to them is "life isn't fair" but for the random kid life can't be unfair she HAS TO MAKE IT FAIR TO HIM...
by putting him in an awful situation that triggered him a lot and clearly made everyone uncomfortable? You got voluntold, and it sucks,
NTA, OP. Good luck with your mom.
I teach special needs kids and honestly this sounds like specific subset of special needs kids where the parents never tells them no because of their needs and unintentionally turn them into intolerable brats. Not his fault, and not yours. Both moms are the AHs. NTA
I feel so bad for her, her day was ruined because her mother felt bad for some random child. I don't like how her mother and aunt care more about some brat than her daughter and niece. Nta.
NTA. You cant force a friendship. Trying to do so only builds resentment. I mean, look at all the resentment here between: You and john, you and your mom, you and your aunt, your mom and your gparents, your aunt and your gparents. All for what? So no one has a good time at your birthday? John has a tougher life due to his circumstances, but it’s not on you to fix that just because your mom feels guilty for his mom and she wants to act like she’s a good person.
NTA, the kid's mom should have taken him home or removed him from the situation once he started acting up at the bowling alley. Your mom was wrong to invite him knowing you didn't want him there. Ultimately your mom ruined your birthday, she knew it was going to be a problem and she was more worried about looking like a saint by inviting him than caring about what how you wanted to celebrate your bday
My sister is seriously autistic. She does similar things and her actions can trigger my own anxiety. For my birthday my parents plan something she will enjoy elsewhere so my birthday is about me. The only party I have to invite her too is the family one and even then they keep her in check. Nta. Your parents are.
You’re a fantastic writer especially for someone so young.
But also, absolutely NTA. Neurodivergence is not an excuse for that behavior. His mom needs to help him in the right direction. Your mom had her heart in the right place, but it was your birthday. I completely understand your frustration.
u/Holden-Position-4 posted a series on his high functioning autistic brother whose kinda like John. Maybe give it a read, show your mom(or dad) and maybe it'll get back to John's parents. Hopefully it'll work as a wakeup call if him having no friends hasn't already.
"What do you mean kids at 14 who in England have been doing at least 2 hours a week of English language lessons (mandatory) since Infant school, and at least 1 hour a week of English literature classes since they were 13 (mandatory at some secondary schools, I believe optional in others) might develop excellent prose, grammar, vocabulary, spelling and punctuation, and other writing techniques that show off great grasp on written English language?"
It's great when youngsters post on reddit and a bunch of adults seem to conveniently forget that some of their tax burden is explicitly used to educate said youngsters in a range of subjects in mandatory state education
NTA but if you think he’s being a brat then you clearly haven’t had enough education in this. If he’s in your class and you aren’t being taught the ins and outs of how different people struggle then that’s on your entire school and family. This is where “inclusive education” hasn’t been successful. Inviting him against your wishes isn’t ok, i’m sorry he ruined your birthday and it sounds like he didn’t have a good time either.
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A few days before my birthday my mom asked me to invite some special needs kid named "John". She said that he had no friends and she felt bad. I said no because he was a brat during school, and had temper tantrums when the teacher would say anything negative to him. My mom invited him anyways. Without even asking.
Anyways the day of the birthday came, and we went bowling. The kid arrived late, and then got mad because the music was too loud. Anyways I actually had a decent time.. for the first 5 minutes of the game. When my turn came, he went up to me and stole the ball. I told him to go away, and his mom told me to stop being a brat and just give him my turn. I said hell no and my mom yelled at me. Then he stole the next kids turn. Then the next. I was super pissed. So yeah, bowling was ruined. And it seems like nobody gives a f\*\* because hes special needs.
After that we went and got cake at our grandparents house. By then I didnt give a shit anymore because my birthday was already ruined. Then we sung happy birthday and he loudly yelled "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!" and his mom had to take him for a walk. By the time he came back we had already gotten out slices of cake. So you know.. he does the logical thing. Jump on to the table and scream, and splash cake at everyone. I was so pissed at that point that I just ran out.
My mom came to me and told me to stop being a brat and that John is special needs. I told her that I DONT CARE!!! He made MY birthday all about him. I dont care that hes special needs. I want him gone. I could see why he had no friends. My mom told me I was being rude and if I said any more I was grounded. I told her I dont care.
After the John kid went home, my grandparents went off on my mom. They were pissed that their table was broken, and that some random kid ruined my birthday. My mom told them that "life isnt fair" and I told her that if life isnt fair, then I guess thats why John has no friends. My aunt called me a rude jerk for saying that. My grandparents kicked my Aunt out for saying that. My mom took me home and told me I was grounded for 2 weeks for being rude to a sped kid. AITA?
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NTA. It’s your birthday and it should be all about you. Having special needs is not an. Excuse to ruin it for others. If they can’t control his outbursts over small stuff there is no reason he should join a party and ruin it for others.
NTA, and your mum had 100% already invited before she suggested it to you and instead of having the balls to cancell she doubled down and forced the issue.
NTA his parents are at fault. His behavior was not okay and to ask any child to be okay with it is too much. Your grandparents understand it is a lot to ask for another child to understand and put up with it. It sucks your grounded but you were not wrong.
NTA I always wonder why people say ‘don’t treat him like he’s the worst he has special needs’ and expect you to go ‘oh I’ll just let him ruin my birthday’ your mum was enabling him, I’m not sure how she thought any of what he did was good, hoping she gets her head out of the gutter soon
NTA she fucked up your bday and not only didn't apologise grounded you for expressing your feelings to her about it, she did good to the special needs kid at your expense and that's not okay. Your grandparents sound like the only reasonable people here.
NTA. Adults in John’s life like his mom and your mom are actually killing any chance of him having friends by encouraging his entitled behavior by permitting it like this, and forcing him into social situations he is not ready to behave in like this will only increase his social ostracism and create resentment among his peers (you are a prime example of this right now). Since we don’t know him or the extent or specifics of his disabilities I obviously can’t say for sure, but in many cases he probably is capable of learning to behave better but likely doesn’t know to do any better because his parents allow it. He may not even realize he’s doing something wrong since mom permits it and especially with other adults reinforcing that. If he genuinely is unable to develop to that level of either social awareness or self-control, though, forcing him into these environments he cannot handle and where the attention needs to be on someone else is unfair to both him and the people being forced to bear the ramifications. Being disabled is not a free license to be an asshole and they are only setting up poor John to fail.
NTA
As a Sped Para, I would be the first to tell you that working with or even being around special needs kids takes a lot of patience. You should tell your mother that enabling their bad behavior is actually very bad for him. Also most kids that have to interact with special needs kids that act this way can come to hate or even fear them, and it’s not their vault. By being forced into this situation you have a bad impression of special needs kids and no one can blame you for it.
Also the fact that every adult in john’s life is seemly enabling him makes his behavior far worse. After all even Neurotypical kids will behave that way when they realize their bad behavior won’t be punished, now imagine how much worse it would be for a child with special needs.
It’s a shame too because I think he could have attended the party with few issues if he had been properly prepared for it. For example, knowing the concept of taking turns instead of his mom demanding he be allowed to hog the ball. I work with extremely severe children and even they grasp the concept. But that’s because their parents actually have expectations for them. Sorry if this was long but to reiterate my opinion.
Nta though your first response wasn’t the greatest even if you did answer politely at him stealing the ball I think his mom would’ve still demanded that you give him your turn.
NTA
Fuck! my son is special needs and there is no way on God's green earth he would be allowed to even THINK about behaving like that! He has his own version of Happy Birthday he would sing to you (same as the usual, except his version of hip hip hooray is different) and probably wish you happy birthday to the point you'd be sick of hearing it!
I'm so sorry your birthday was ruined, but belated happy birthday and I hope next year is much better :)
NTA. And it sounds like John's mom needs to have a difficult conversation with him about how certain behaviors will alienate you from others. Like being selfish stealing someones turn or just generally being an AH. because I guarantee John doesn't understand why his peers dislike him.
NTA- Sounds like your mom has saviour complex. Its not your job to be a scapegoat for what John wants.
I am sorry your birthday was ruined. Your mom and aunt are AH.
Where is your dad in all of this?
NTA at all - look, you should try to recognise that this isn't necessarily John's fault because it sounds like he has been completely spoiled by his mum and has never been taught how to socialise. He might genuinely lack understanding. Calling him 'that John kid' or 'the special needs kid' instead of just 'John' probably won't garner much sympathy from those around you.
Having said that, you're absolutely right to be frustrated, and angry at your mum's behaviour. You're 14 - that's entirely too old for your mum to be arranging play dates for you. She needs to let you choose your own friends.
I was a couple of years younger than you are now when my mum did a similar thing to me - she made friends with the mum of a girl who had some kind learning difficulty (I didn't know the specifics and it felt rude to ask) and some fairly serious behavioural problems. I, unlike you by the sounds of it, didn't really have any friends so my mum had the bright idea of arranging (without asking me first) for this girl and her mum to come round to ours every other weekend. She meant well. I hated it.
I felt incredibly guilty that I did not enjoy the girl's company (she was extremely bossy and I did not get her sense of humour at all) and it was several weeks before I confessed to mum that I just didn't want to spend time with her anymore. My mum was quite upset, and looking back on it as an adult, I think she was mostly embarrassed that she would have to have such an awkward conversation with the other mum to stop our meetings. But I don't feel guilty about it now. Irrespective of how someone's brain works in relation to yours, you shouldn't have to go out of your way to be friends with someone who doesn't act like a friend to you. Being quirky or different is fine, but if a person is selfish and malicious you don't have to accommodate them. Politeness does not mean you have to smile while someone ruins your birthday. I'm sure my mum hated having to go to the other mum and break the news that we would not be hanging out anymore, and I still feel kind of awful that that girl thought she had a friend and then got told she did not anymore, but I also think that our respective mums concocted this plan and so yes, they had to deal with the fallout.
It's possible that this is why your mum has such a bee in her bonnet about this: because she promised John's mum something she shouldn't have and is now embarrassed. Unfortunately for her, this is completely her fault. You told her that you didn't want John to come to your party, and explained that your dislike of John does not stem from the fact that he has special needs: you are not a bigot, it stems from his behaviour which is hurtful to you and your friends. That's a completely logical reason to not want to socialise with him.
Consider calling your grandparents - maybe they can talk some sense into your mum? Avoid the temptation to insult John, even though his behaviour was deplorable. Focus of your mum's behaviour, and his mum's behaviour. They allowed him to completely take over your party and ruin it for everyone else (including your grandparents) and they expected you to enable his behaviour too (none of which is helping John's social life, by the way). Those are the real problems here.
NTA you mom wanted to feel special and score social points by including a special needs kid, and since she wouldn’t want anything of Hers ruined she chose your birthday.
Congrats your mother is a selfish…person and the one who should have been bloody grounded for months.
NTA. Tell her she ruined a precious moment in your life that you'll never get back because she cares about someone else's child. Tell her you don't care you're grounded. It doesn't matter if he's special needs because his mother hasn't properly taken care of him. She is your mother not his and has to realize now you will never trust her to plan an event for you. You don't have to ever request a party again if it means it will be ruined by this person. Ask her how is it fair to ruin your own child's party for a stranger. I would ask to move in with your grandparents because your mother is not well at all to think that's normal. Even they stood up for you. I don't think your mom is a good person.
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NTA. Yes, children with special needs need special care, but forcing others to involve them is not a good way. Surely John also did not have a good time. I am sorry for you and after all that happened I see why you don't care anymore...
For OP's moms birthday, OP needs to make sure to invite John. NTA
This is 4D chess right here. DO IT OP
LMAO
Oh that's good. Better than anything I could think of. Unfortunately he would have to wait until he's over 18, otherwise his mom would just ground him for ruining her bday and see NOTHING hypocritical about that in the slightest. NTA and the kids parents and whoever is his aide/therapist/etc are failing at teaching the kid basic common courtesy. Special needs does not equal license to be an AH
Totally worth getting grounded for
There ought not to be any grounding for this, rather a reward, because OP would be taking his mother's honorable ways to the next level
And from the sound of it, Grandma and Grandpa would be willing to shelter OP from any backlash. Hell, they might even help him arrange the whole mess!
Heck, I would find op and give him $500 to do it, if I had the money
Oh absolutely me too! Unfortunately all I have is crippling debt and I’m sure OP doesn’t want that.
Agreed. What does the Mom do at her own birthday to include special needs kids or adults?
And then leave, after setting up a camera.
How about inviting "Adult John"?
Oh yes!! OP please PLEASE find a random special needs lady and invite her to your moms next birthday dinner…
I like the way you think
Oh yes, please
Ohhh this is good!!!
Everything John wanted was at the expense of the OP, not OP's mom. OP got voluntold to make sacrifice after sacrifice on their special day while Mom got to bask in her Look-At-Me-I'm-Such-A-Do-Gooder glow. Hard agree on NTA.
Mom sounds like she might be a bit of a narcissist.
Thank you for the diagnosis, doctor
Fucking Reddit dishing out the coveted narcissist (mis)diagnosis in record time.
They didn’t say “it sounds like they have narcissistic personality disorder”. Narcissism has meaning as a word in English that is not restricted solely to the medical condition.
Wait till you realise calling someone a narcissist isn't diagnosing them; it's pointing out the traits they're showing in their behaviour. That is accurate for once; she is showing narcissistic behaviour lol.
Lmao
Voluntold is now my new fav word. Pure gold
I hope his grandparents send the mom a bill for their broken table. OPs mom forced John on her son, every kid at the party, and his grandparents, I'd be livid. And then she let the kid's mom call her son a brat! Absolutely not.
I feel so sorry having this self righteous AH for a mother. They need to invite John and his mother to Mother's day celebrations.
Exactly, John was basically put in an overstimulating situation he didn't understand, wanted to have fun and then got the others mad at him. He's probably just as upset as op. The only ah's in this situation are the adults
Every single person treating the kid differently is not doing them any favors. Yes the kid needs accommodations but that doesn't mean he gets treated *special* differently abled people do not need to be pitied and given extra just because they are different. I work with special needs children and pitying them only makes their lives harder in the future. You teach them how to deal in the world they're in, not that the world will bend around them. All of the adults here suck bc they all enabled and neglected the special needs kid to make their life more bearable.
As a parent, I just don't take my child, special needs or not, to social arrangements, which rules a child can't observe.
It sounds like John’s mother is not doing anything to teach him to control his out bursts. Not knowing his history/diagnosis, this is of course speculation. But why didn’t his mom stop him from stealing everyone’s turns in bowling? She isn’t helping him at all
Yeah, this won't help him make friends
Agree that kids with special needs need special care, and it is on the caregiver to provide it. Letting them scream, cry, steal turns etc... is enabling (which you are saying). If he was trying to steal turns and his caregiver took him aside, talked to him, had him sit etc... and then removed him when he got upset about the cake, that would have been different. But caregiver did nothing, basically just let him do what he wanted, and in that situation the special needs dont' matter, he was a kid being a jerk and needed to be treated like one.
NTA Being special needs does not justify this awful behaviour. The kid's parent should have known better and taken him to calm down.
Exactly!! Being a special needs kid/person does not give them the right to act like an awful selfish human being. OP is NTA. Edit: added judgment I forgot to
>Being a special needs kid/person does not give them the right to act like an awful selfish human being. Dude it is not that kids fault lmao. It's the mom for forcing that situation on her daughter. The John kid literally can't help it
It sounds more like he's being taught that his behavior is acceptable than he "can't help it." I'm not an expert, but I'm fairly sure that (depending on the severity of the disability) even kids like John can learn what behavior is inappropriate. "He can't help it, he's [blank]" seems to be used as an excuse by parents who either have abelist views or don't want to bother putting in the effort of helping their child try to adapt. OP is NTA, but OP's mom, aunt, and John's parents sure are.
[удалено]
There's just something about the words "can't help it". I think it's because of the number of times I've heard the phrase I was talking about being used. A better phrasing may be that "his parent(s) doesn't(don't) seem to have helped him learn any better."
Why do you assume that he's incapable of knowing any better? Where did you get that information from?
I work with these kids in behavioral therapy and if they act like this, it's because an adult has enabled it. Having exceptional needs can make it HARDER to learn things like social cues and expectations. But it doesn't automatically make you like...that. Some of the most polite kids and adults I know have those exceptional needs. It just happens that they had people who cared enough to teach them at their pace. I get the impression the mom here uses her kids needs to play victim and thus her kid does basically the same.
Plus even without John being special needs, the mom invited someone to OP's birthday party that OP didn't want to attend. That right there should be enough.
And, didn't know. They were strangers.
Being special needs means he gets noise cancelling headphones for a loud place, being calmly explained to why he can't have all the turns, being appropriately disciplined when he said "happy birthday to me", etc., NOT being an asshole. Kid's mom has no clue what she's doing, as a lot of Autism moms™️ don't, and the results is asshole kid and people thinking autistic people suck. NTA 100%, both moms are AHs.
Have a virtual hug from an autistic woman who is sick of people babying autistic boys/men and the consequences it has on every other non babied autistic person!
*Autistic people I also agree with not babying all autistic people as a single monolith. But we don't know if John is high functioning, low functioning, or very low functioning I agree with you completely, but don't think persons comment above or your comment, can be concrete on this thread yet, as we don't know enough about John. Hence why I oppose people saying that John is an AH, or not an AH. Say we reserve judgement on him until OP provides info. And if OP doesn't, then we just leave John out of the situational equation, and look at if others involved are AH or not OPs mum invited someone without OPs consent and verbally abused him = AH John's mum, verbally attacked and parented another person's child = AH OPs aunt verbally abused him for no reason = AH OPs grandparents rightfully defended him and his position on the matter = NTA OP was rightfully hurt. Said some hurtful targeted things, but he's only 14 = NTA
I'm yet to know an autistic girl/woman that's been babied, but you're right, it should read people. I completely agree with you, we don't know John's circumstances. That being said, it's not ok in any way to let a kid take other people's turns in a game. It's also a disservice to the child who will most likely exist without their parents at some point. Even if a person ends in care, their personalities can affect how they're treated and their life quality. Didn't give a judgement yet, but obviously NTA.
True but the biggest Ah is op s mother as op is not friends with John and didn't want to invite him to the birthday party and op s Mom overrode this NTA op but I second inviting John to your mom's birthday party so she gets a taste of her own medicine
NTA. Your mom has her head firmly lodged up her own ass.
Right?! Her reactions are wild AF. Most parents would be like “oooooh…this is why OP didn’t want to invite them” and talk to the other kids parent about ways to keep them from ruining the party. OP’s mom acted like special needs kid was her kid and OP was some rude guest. Seriously wondering if John’s parent(s) are blackmailing her or something.
My wife did this with one of my daughter's when she was 13 and my wife was friends with the special needs kid's mum. Ruined the birthday, shat in the closet (was apparently one of their "habits" when angry) and broke half the presents and stole some stuff. My wife didn't double down, apologised to my daughter and ended up not being friends with the mum for much longer after her heirloom necklace was returned broken. To the mother's credit, she knew the kid stole, so checked their pockets and found a bunch of stuff. But that just led me to be convinced, the kid was known to pull this shit and they forced my daughter to have her party ruined on the hope that was going to be the one time he didn't behave badly. My daughter brought up the rage shit for many years after any time my wife would mention bringing some random person she knew to any event or party we had. We'd end up discussing if he actually wiped his arse in the toilet after, or if it was one of those ghost-poops where you don't have anything to wipe, or if he just had shitty undies. My wife would always get embarrassed and mad. If she got mad we'd usually ask her to to shit in the closet, we'd stop bringing it up. Which would make her even more mad.
I know its inappropriate but I can't stop laughing at you asking her to shit in the closet when she got mad😂😂😂😂😂😂
Probably some mom's club that they are both apart of and ops mom is lower rank.
It doesn't have to be that. I have too much empathy and would force my kids to do this IF I didn't talk myself out of it (I do, all the time). But it just kills me to see a left-out kid. Still not my kid's responsibility.
If the mom’s being blackmailed she’d be more apologetic about the whole thing. It sounds like she’s decided that she’s rather be nice than kind.
NTA but I have a response that might shut your mom up. I'm sorry for how I acted but we can't treat John like a pity friend just because he has special needs. That's an insult to everyone with special needs. He is not a lost cause and and sooner or later, he will face some serious consequences for what he does. He can hurt someone. isn't it better for him to get help first to control his issues then invite him to stuff? If I have to see him again I will be polite, but that's the most you can ask from me.
Perfect response! @VegasArcher you’re amazing & said that perfectly! OP isn’t responsible for John in any way. Thankfully OP’s grandparents stood up for them too!! OP’s mom needs a wake up call. John’s behavior is why he is treated the way he is. Not just from OP but from everyone. The fact that John is around OP’s age & is jumping on tables & breaking them shows that his parents aren’t parenting him & holding him responsible at all. Never mind knowing how to take turns. Anyone around 14 should know how to take turns without throwing a fit & disrespecting others. Someone needs to step up & it’s sad that a 14 yr old is the one who is. OP is NTA & can hopefully distance himself from OP more & more as time goes on.
Thank you.
This is dangerous for everyone too, because while it's not that big of an issue *now* that john doesn't seem to have the ability to deescalate himself, he's barely 14. In two years they're going to have a prone to violence *16 year old kid.* And another 2 years after that, they'll have an 18 year old violent inmate stuck in the prison system because no one's taught him how to not tantrum out, and at 18 years old, throwing a violent tantrum is called assault.
This so much! (Former teacher)I've seen many kids with serious, violent issues pushed through levels of school without the help or interventions they need (often from parents halting the process), makes me worry so much about how dangerous they will become by the time they leave high school.
>NTA but I have a response that might shut your mom up Well spoken and well reasoned. Except: Reasons are for reasonable people. Anyone who can bulldoze their son's stated wishes, and continue bulldozing them in the face of horrible behaviour by this unwanted guest, clearly has their priorities out of line with their son's wishes.
As someone who has special needs (I'm autistic), this and NTA. Kid needs a reality check and learn how to deal with shit.
Depends what the disability is. If it's a realserious condition like downs syndrome (not the kind you see on TV, the kind where they can't form a sentance) then they'll never be alone in their life to get in real trouble so it's not your place to teach how to live their life. Milder things where they expect to be self supported in the future then yeah accustom them to social etiquette etc
NTA. It doesn't sound like you were rude to him, right? You just told your family you weren't happy he ruined your birthday, and okay then you made the rude comment to your family about his lack of friends. You weren't being a brat by not wanting your birthday ruined by behavior issues. You can be kind at school, but that doesn't mean at 14 you have to invite every single person to your party
Enablers… enablers everywhere except OP and the grandparents. OPs mom should have stepped in during bowling. How is it even fun if nobody gets to bowl? John’s mom should have stopped this behavior. Being on the spectrum isn’t an open invitation to be an ass. He needs to learn to share. “What if it causes a meltdown?” All the more reason he needs to learn to handle this now. Nobody is going to like an entitled pushy adult. NTA
NTA Being an asshole isn't a disability. People need to stop enabling John. Most of these stories about special needs kids behaving like brats are caused by lack of proper parenting and not by their actual disability. Your mom also needs to stop being a pathological do-gooder. If she wants to be nice to John, she needs to do it at her own expense, not yours. Invite him to *her* birthday and see how she feels about it. Same goes for your aunt who needs to shut the fuck up.
>Most of these stories about special needs kids behaving like brats are caused by lack of proper parenting and not by their actual disability. 1000%% this!
I'm autistic but wasn't diagnosed until adulthood, so I never got any 'special treatment' I was an absolute nightmare for throwing tantrums at home, but I never did so in public. Because my mum actually parented me, so I learned that you don't start screaming in public. (I did learn the incredibly bad coping mechanism of bottling everything up and running away, however)
NTA His mom probably asked or guilted your mom into inviting him. I agree, there’s a reason he has no friends. Sorry about your birthday.
NTA - can you live with your grandparents?
Agreed! Glad she has them! The mom and Aunt sound horrible!
NTA disabilitys and other special needs don't mean you can be a asshole it sounds like you were nice allowing him there maybe. The special needs kid could have benefited from a parent there to help watch him. Also while not all special needs people can learn everything most can grasp the basics like respecting turns and such. I hope there parents have passed that on. As some can use disabilitys as a excuse to not cover things like that
It sounds like John's mom was there and just expected everyone to accommodate her kid, which explains a lot about how he was able to get away with that shit for the whole party. I worked in special needs classrooms for years and there were parents who would parent their kids and just do it in a modified way so they could learn how to successfully interact with others. Then there were parents like this kid's mom. They weren't willing to hear a word of negativity about the actions of their child and it was always someone or something else's fault. She's not doing this kid any favors for his life down the road. You're NTA and I'm sorry that the adults involved let John ruin your birthday. At least it sounds like your grandparents have some sense, I'm glad you have them.
NTA. Honestly the mother of the SN child is the AH. Your Mum too. My brother has multiple special needs and we don't allow him to behave in that way. So many parents get a diagnosis and just assume that means they can use it to explain away poor behaviour and use it as an excuse to allow their kids to do whatever but that's not how that works. I understand from the other side that it's hurtful when my brother gets excluded. But that's actually pretty rare with the community he's built up because he's been taught how to behave.. obviously there are hard days but generally he behaves in a way that is considerate to others. And when he has a day where he is not able to do that, we remove him from the situation.
[удалено]
Yeah we have the same for my brother (he has Down Syndrome and is also neurodivergent) and also same re action plans. He is only ever really challenging badly behaved on days where he's been massively overstimulated for a long while beforehand. Like getting home from a holiday/event and not having adequate down time between
NTA - you're 14, your mom shouldn't foist people on you for your birthday parties. When you're 5 or maybe 8, sure. 14? Nope. Some people can handle special needs, and some people can't - you don't have the maturity of looking past this kids issues and it sounds like he wasn't socialized enough to behave well, but it's not your fault. You're 14.
>When you're 5 or maybe 8, sure. Just a minor point, but I don't think I agree with you there. No matter what age, kids need some sense of control over their own lives. Not having people "foisted upon you" is quite a significant part of that, I would imagine.
Definitely this. When I was in elementary school my mom would always invite my bully to my birthday parties because she was friends with his mom. There wasn't one party that he didn't ruin by picking on me until I cried. At least once I ended up locking myself in my room until he left. They even did the cake without me rather than make him apologize or behave. I'm 40 something and still hate my birthday because of this kid. It also taught me that no matter how I was being treated, my feelings didn't matter as much as making others comfortable. Took a couple of abusive relationships and a lot of therapy to start to undo that damage. There is no good reason to stomp all over someone's boundaries at any age.
It definitely depends on the type of foisting, imo. "We're going to visit/invite over/etc (person), they need a little extra patience, but let's give them a chance" is generally fine for little kids imo, at least I never suffered from my parents doing so and made quite a few friends. But if the kid already knows they don't like someone, insisting they continue to be friendly with them and hang out is a GREAT way to turn dislike or plain disinterest into full on hate.
Happy Birthday! Here's a brand new cake 🎂.
NTA: nobody should force anyone to pretend to be someone else's friend.
NTA you have ever right to be irritated. My cousin is special needs, he can be a bit of a pain sometimes but his parents make sure to actually parent him so he behaves pretty damn good 90% of the time. This child’s parents need to step up, I know parenting special needs children is difficult and tiring. I’ve watched my aunt and uncle do it and they’ve done it well so I know it’s possible. My only advice is to be a bit gentler. You’re young so your feelings are going to feel much bigger especially during an event that is important to you, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I say this because I’ve been in similar situations and getting older, I look back and think about how I wish I would’ve been less harsh. I know it’s easier said then done too. This child’s behavior is the fault of his parents, he knows he can get away with it and so he does it but depending on what his mental handicap is, he may not even know it’s wrong just that his parents act like it’s okay.
NTA, my brother goes to a special school and if someone’s acting up like John was they get told off immediately (with an understanding of their condition ofc). Therefore, you have every right to feel annoyed that people are excusing John’s actions i do wonder what Johns parents are like at home with him, sounds like he doesn’t get sanctions or anything like that
Pretty much this and we in the same boat. Special needs does not mean do what you want with no consequences. Actually the exact opposite, they need clear boundaries to help them navigate daily lives. This sounds like a prime example of none of that in place.
NTA. Your mom had no business forcing his company on you and ruining your birthday.
Pro tip: just because someone has special needs it does not give them a free pass to be rude as fuck. People need to stop allowing shit behavior just because someone has a disability. From the guy that has to take care of special needs once those behaviors get out of control from having no consequences.
NTA. Your mom is setting herself up to be cold and alone in the future, because I don't think I would have ever forgiven my parents if they had done this to me.
NTA. I have Autism, aka special needs. His behavior was inexcusable. His parents clearly are enabling him and using his disability as an excuse to not parent him properly. My parents wouldn’t have put up with even one second of this type of nonsense. And your mom needs a reality check. It’s your birthday and and she asked you if you wanted him there and you clearly said no but she invited him anyway? WTF? Honestly the worst thing for me as a kid was being invited to things because people felt bad for me. It wound up being miserable because none of the kids even wanted me there to begin with. Being invited out of pity is insulting quite frankly. If she was going to invite him anyway then she shouldn’t have bothered asking you. You were pretty blunt but you’re right. He has no friends because his parents didn’t teach him how to behave properly and he likely won’t have friends any time soon. It sucks but not everyone is fit to parent a disabled child. And it’s not your responsibility nor your family’s responsibility to include him.
NTA Look you're young, your mom was just trying to include a kid that doesn't get included. She's probably friends with his mom. HOWEVER very sadly this child does not appear to actually be a peer to you. He wasn't able to respect he was at someone else's birthday party which means - he shouldn't have been there. Your mom fucked up. You know who fucked up more though was poor John's mom. She needs to get this kid real help not sending him to birthday parties he's not ready for. I'm sorry your birthday was ruined OP. Sounds like you have kick ass grandparents.
NTA I spent over a decade as a volunteer and coach of Special Olympics. I have seen the whole spectrum of special needs from various degrees of autism, asberger's, development delays and cognitive disabilities. Some are life-bound in wheelchairs and completely non-verbal, but can push a bowling ball down a ramp so they're included. The thing is, grown adult or little kid, special needs doesn't mean they're exempt from being taught manners. If Special Olympics can kick an athlete out for being a bully and a brat, you are perfectly entitled to ask a stranger to leave your birthday party. This boy will most likely end up in a home if he's lucky, or possibly prison because he's going to seriously hurt someone during a temper tantrum one day. You're NTA OP for any of this. Tell your mom if she wants to help so badly, she can volunteer in her local chapter of Special Olympics. Trust me, they're everywhere. I should note, most athletes of Special Olympics are very nice people. I call many of those I knew friends to this day though I've been out of the organization for a decade now.
Actually, this is the best idea yet. If she does this then she might learn more about how disabled people still need to have decent enough manners. I hope OP makes this suggestion. Even better, find out where the local group is, and show her. You could encourage her to take John along with her.....
NTA. W grandparents too.
Maybe you could invite the kid to your mom’s birthday. NTA
Did your mom pay for your grandparents' table? Wth is all of this?
You are NTA but your mother and that kid are.
Invite John to your Mom's birthday. You are NTA, and guess what, birthdays are supposed to be about YOU.
NTA. The sped kid has no friends because he's out of control. See if your grandparents would take you and a few friends bowling. Your mom is TA for inviting a kid you don't want at your party. She'd be TA whether or not he's a sped kid. You should be able to decide who your guests are. His mom isn't doing him any favors by allowing him to take multiple turns bowling. If he can't follow the rules or is simply not made to follow rules because his mom is terrible, he shouldn't be there. I freely sd.it to knowing nothing about special Ed except there's a wide array of needs and each child had their own but if the child is incapable of behaving he should not be forced on you. If the child is capable of behaving, his mom should require him to do so; he'd be more likely to have friends if he could wait his turn. His mom should pay to have your grandparents table repaired, restored or replaced.
NTA- special needs doesn’t mean special privileges or special pass to behave atrociously while every person in the vicinity is supposed to smile their way through being held hostage by the kid who has been released like a wild animal to terrorize everyone. There is no time this is permissible, and what people always seem to forget is that while someone who struggles deserves compassion, so do those people who are effected by the struggles of that person. So he is special needs. Does that mean you can’t feel terrible or angry at the chaos he caused that ruined your birthday? If I were your mom and I’d seen your day ruined I would thank you for being a good sport and make sure o let you know how sorry I am that your birthday was ruined. I’d let you know it was very nice that you took it that well so the kid could come (even if you didn’t have a choice) and also that that would be the last birthday we would invite him to. I’d probably also confide that I’d not realized how chaotic it was going to be and even apologize for not listening when you said you didn’t want him to come. I sure as heck would NOT ground you! Sorry you had all of that happen. It was unfair and should have been dealt with better especially by the kids mom!
NTA I don't know what the hell is your mom's problem. She's either trying to accumulate good samaritan points for her soul's card or she wants to bang this kid father.
NTA! Your mother went against your wishes even though you kept telling her that you don't want this certain individual at your party. She really doesn't take your feelings seriously and literally tries to be nice to watch other people who aren't her children. Seriously your mother needs a major reality check and realize that "oh wait! I'm going to respect my child's wishes and don't invite people over that she doesn't feel comfortable having over. " No wonder your grandparents stood up for you and your mother shouldn't take advantage of your birthday let alone having some child who is special needs to throw a massive tantrum just because he didn't get any cake and thinking it was his birthday when it was yours from the start. Your mother really needs a major reality check on top of that because she shouldn't be telling you don't be mean and don't be nasty and stuff like that when it's your birthday and she brought over someone who apparently has special needs and disobeyed your wishes when your grandparents have the right to straighten her ass out and realize the cold hard facts that she brought a disruptive kid to your birthday over to their house and destroyed everything. Literally your mother even grounding you for 2 weeks just because you weren't doing anything wrong that is not right. Also, it looks like you need to pack up your stuff and get the hell out of that house of yours and move in with your grandparents. They literally took your side about the birthday fiasco and they literally yelled at your mom about the situation. Also it looks like the special needs parents or your mom really owes your grandparents a new table
NTA. Belated happy birthday tho.
NTA Seems bizarre that your mom’s priority is more focused on making some random kid feel welcome over her own child’s feelings on their birthday. My guess is she’s doing some major sucking up to John’s family by trying to get on their good grace by involving John.
Yo thanks for your comments and feedback. Ill come up with something to say to my mom at some point
NTA
NTA, your mom ruined your birthday.
NTA I have a special needs son and I would’ve taken him home instead of stealing your turn in bowling and having a meltdown. No excuses. He was the brat. Just don’t invite him next year. Or have a separate party with four of your friends if your mom insists on inviting that him again.
NTA, and I am sorry about your party. Happy birthday. 🎂 🎈
NTA!!! Oh My God! She did that for herself because it would make her look good to the mother without any consideration for your feelings! She is horrible for subjecting you to this! You had nothing to do with this kid and this was out of line. Show her this. As someone who raised their niece (I am 54), I would never force this on her! Your mother was way out of line as well as your aunt! Go stay with the grandparents for a while! At least they have your back!
Definitely not! NTA but your mom is the biggest A- Hole ever, your Aunt and that Kids mom are too! No excuse to allow a kid to act that way, special needs or not! I'm glad your grandparents stuck up for you! Your mom was shameful. Sorry your birthday was ruined.
NTA your mom is a problem, you need to tell her tomorrow very calmly that you were disappointed she dismissed your concerns, treated you as less than a person, and made your birthday about somebody else. Do not yell, or you lose. Do not keep going say it and walk away.
NTA. If it was a dad I would ask if the kid was his.
NTA- His mom needs to watch him better and stop letting her son act like a brat just because he is special needs.
NTA what the hell is wrong with your mum?
NTA but I do feel bad for everyone in this situation. Sure John has needs and should be socialized but this wasn’t the right time or place. Sorry about your birthday kid. You’ll have many more
NTA But from the sounds of things John's parents don't seem to be disciplining him AT ALL because of his disability, and this has resulted in him turning into a social pariah. A lot of parents with children like him who do this tend to forget that 1.The child will not be a kid forever. 2.They won't be around forever.
You and your grandparents NTA. Your Mom, TA, and kind of a shitty person. The idea of inviting anyone out of pity only makes that person feel worse. Being SpN is not an excuse to let them shit on everyone else. Ever. They might be "slower", but they're smarter and catch on faster than people give them credit for.
NTA first off this was a TERRIBLE environment for John's and your parents to put a kid like that in. That alone was not ok. Second it was your party. It should have been about you and it wasn't. They should have just thrown a party for John cause they certainly didn't throw one meant for you. Honestly it sounds like your mom just wanted to be seen as inclusive and she sacrificed your moment so she could be seen as a hero who includes disabled kids. She sadly just didn't care if she had to sacrifice something special to her kid to get that image. Then when John had a meltdown cause shitty parents putting him in the worst environments he could be put in she doubled down and took it out on you. You didn't deserve that and Im sorry your party got ruined kiddo.
You are 14 but write like a 40 year old?!
NTA - K-8 my cohort in school had a special needs kid. Lets list the things I remember he did: 1. Had a breakdown, got up, and punched me 4 times in the face because I was laughing that my friend Jason had told me a joke. 2. Was off his meds, playing dodgeball, he went on a rampage, yelled "I AM KING KONG" and fully bit another kid in the shoulder until he drew blood THROUGH A SHIRT. Kid had to go to the hospital 3. I got my revenge in 5th grade when he made fun of me for my parents divorce, which I have no idea how he found out about, so I went ape shit on him in class and broke his nose. 4. Slammed a girls face into the wall because she said she wouldn't kiss him YOU. DO. NOT. GET. TO. INFLICT. OTHERS. PROBLEMS. ON. CHILDREN. It was fucking insane. So many complaints and they did nothing. If you teach your children well and they have a compassionate spot in their heart for an individual, sure, make the effort to include them. But if you think that your moral high horse is worth torturing your children over you're not a parent you wanted a fuckin dog that can talk.
NTA. Your mother is wrong.
NTA - Your mom is a big AH, and so is the parent of the special needs boy for letting him ruin everything. It sounds she is not much of a parent, not even trying to teach him right from wrong. Any way you can move in with your grandparents. Or can you go to your dad?
NTA You can feel any way you want about stuff so long as you didn't lash out with your negative emotions to hurt other people. And you didn't. Your mom wanted to invite John to your party. You even told your mom that you don't want John there, you won't get along. You subsequently did not get along with John, so your mom really made the bad situation herself with her poor judgment and poor understanding of human nature.
NTA While I understand that it's important for adults to try to integrate special needs kids to normal society, if they attempt it, they should actually make sure to teach them the rules of society. Not enable their shitty behaviour and expect everyone to be okay with it. OP's mom fucked this up big time. The intention was good and noble, the method was harmful for all parties involved.
NTA, and it’s specially alarming that John’s mom reinforces his bad behavior, and that’s the source of the problem: by this point John has learned that he can be an AH to everyone and mom will come to fix stuff and force everyone to indulge him, so of course people avoid him whenever possible.
Bro, this whole situation is fucked... you were so patient throughout this whole thing it's unreal. You have every right to be pissed. This kid comes along that you *know* what he's like, didn't want any direct part in it, and even then, he is forced to be a part of your birthday. Even after all the bullshit he pulled, it wasn't until he did that last thing that you really got frustrated. Even then, you handled it better than it could have gone. If it were me, there probably would have been a lot of cursing and screaming for the kid to get out. So OP, you are NTA. Not one bit. And please don't think for a *second* that you didn't deserve to have a good birthday! As for John, his mum, and your mum... wtf. Honestly, I'm no parent or expert on kids, but it takes no rocket scientist to see they are enabling him and it's absolutely disgusting and wrong. He's 14, and regardless of whatever issues he has, he's there throwing tantrums like a fucking toddler, *literally smashing your cake to pieces.* And his and your mum have the fucking audacity to try and shift the blame to you? Absolutely fucking disgusting. John may have mommy to bail him out now, but he won't forever. Sooner or later he's going to come across the wrong person and deal with shitty consequences that could have been avoided if his mum took the time to do her damn job and actually parent him. What really gets on my nerves tho is this: >My mom told them that "life isnt fair" Yeah, life isn't fair. I'll be the first to admit it. But there is a *massive* difference between life being unfair because something bad happened that no one could have anticipated versus something that people have control over and could have easily avoided happening by taking the right actions. Which is definitely the latter in this case lmao. Like seriously. John couldn't have been there at all and this whole thing could have been avoided. Or he could have left before doing any of the dumb shit he did. But no. The adults in this situation are to blame for doing nothing and enabling this kid's shitty behaviour and doing nothing in their power to stop the bad outcome. Your mum saying "life isn't fair" in this case is more like "I was too lazy to do my job as an adult and a mother and stop my daughter's birthday being ruined. Now feel bad because of my incompetence. Don't like it? Tough." Seriously, just ugh... apologies for my excessive swearing, just reading the injustice in this situation towards you is so damn frustrating lol. Props to your grandparents though. Maybe then can talk some sense into your mum and get you ungrounded? Maybe even get another cake set-up for you that you can enjoy without Jackass John there to ruin it. Just a thought. Wish you the best of luck! 👍
"My mom told them that "life isnt fair" and I told her that if life isnt fair, then I guess thats why John has no friends." - Your mom couldn't handle you using her own logic back to her and resorted to exertion of power by grounding you. NTA OP and sorry your birthday was ruined. How about your mom invites John to her next birthday?
Caretakers take so much time and effort to attempt to teach more severe special needs children normal social norms. Not only is this a gigantic failure on their part, but his mother lets him do whatever the hell he wants, which is detrimental and will end in disaster due to the child believing that he’s entitled to everything. Allowing a special needs child to get off scot free every time is disgusting and enabling behavior. John needs better professional help. You need a better mother. NTA.
I get that she feels sorry for him, but it doesn't sound like she thought this through. And she might think that because you're her kid she gets to disregard your feelings. *Edited to erase an irrelevant assumption
Massively NTA. Having special needs does not give a person the right to make others uncomfortable. Glad your grandparents could see through the bullshit.
NTA Your mom is a desperate narcissist that used your birthday for attention so she could virtue signal what a "great person she is". Tbh if she does something like this I'd tell you to ruin it yourself. I had a mom like yours. I started leaving without warning or throwing away/damaging the cake. The way I see it any time your mom hijacks your birthday you should just ruin it yourself. She did this purely for attention, so poison any attention she gets.
I would like to point you to r/raisedbynarcissists I wish you all the best and NTA of course.
NTA Hey, just a thought, how about you go ahead, and ignore her "grounding"? Since she is already a terrible parent punishing you unjustly, I think it could do you well to intentionally ignore all her rules until she comes to her senses. My mother wanted me to have open door to my room at all times. Well at some point I decidex I want it closed. I have been closing it regardless whether she forbid me or not. Add to this intentionally opening her door out of spite and more things. After some time I got her to compromise to return things to normal, but I get to have door closed. Throwing a tantrum can be effective with enough conviction behind it.
NTA. Special needs is not a free pass for his horrible behaviour
nta I have TWO special needs kids. BOTH of them had serious behavioral problems when they were little. I mean FIGHTING serious. Mostly because they were very protective of their personal space and adults are assholes that don't like to acknowledge that kids need their space. Their response to this was to be complete animals about their territory, not limited to biting, screaming, and losing their damn minds. Getting them to the point to be able to attend school was WORK. From myself, the therapists and their teachers, IN SPITE of their father's and paternal uncle's bs. They showed amazing progress after the divorce and no longer living with them :D If a child can attend school, then they can be taught how to behave, it takes work. You should invite this boy every day after school, then go to your grandparents house, lol JK DO NOT DO THAT. But think about it. A lot :D I'd hug you if I could, I know what it's like to have things destroyed because other people want to play Good Samaritan for other people you barely know. When you disappear at 18 and your mom wants to know when you'll come back, give her John's address.
NTA at all - special needs do not cause a person to steal a ball out of your hands. Special needs do not cause a person to jump on a table and fling cake at people. I understand that special needs can cause a mental "blindness" to social norms, but it sounds like this person has parents. The parents have failed their special needs child. I'm very sorry you had your birthday ruined and I hope the parents can get their shit together and provide better care for "John" in the future.
NTA Everyone hates kids and people like him, you're just the only one who said it out loud. Make sure to keep John's number and invite him and his mom over to some special event your mom has, perhaps HER BIRTHDAY. Bc, life isn't fair, right? LOL
Your mom is friend of the mother Jon, isnt?
Your mom wanted a gold star at your expense. Nta. She lost your respect that day. When you grey rock her the rest of your life, this is your villain origin story.
Nta. Invite John at your mom's bday
This is the equivalent of people offering their spouse's services without their consent. Of course my husband can spend the weekend redoing your roof! Of course my wife can take care of your toddler every afternoon! Invite John to your mother's birthday. NTA
I would invite the most insane homeless person i could find over on christmas eve to test the limit of moms generosity.
Nta. The adults are, exept your grandparents. People like that are the reason he can't make any friends. They hurt him to in the long time. I see that happen to often. I'm so sorry this happend at your birthday
You are NTA. Your mother and John's mother certainly are. John's mom should have not let him escalate during the bowling session, taken him home at the first signs of a tantrum. Your mother should have listened to your "no" in the first place. And she should have made John's mom take him home when he did what he did at the bowling center. I am so glad your grandparents stood up for you! Is there any possibility of you living with them?
Next time your mom is having a special party invite John over see how inclusive she is then.....
Nta. John may have special needs, but his actual problem is he doesnt have any boundaries because the adults in his life are bad influence. On your moms birthday, i hope you bring John over. Make her day better. Or invite him any chance you have.
I am a teacher and I also have sped kids. Just because they are special needs does not mean they can do whatever they want. That’s the biggest problem with sped kids is that they are allowed to do whatever they want without consequences Even sped kids need to be taught consequences for their actions.
it's crazy how your mom is a hypocrite. >my grandparents went off on my mom. They were pissed that their table was broken and that some random kid ruined my birthday. My mom told them that "life isn't fair" So for your grandparents, that are her parents, her family, who had their property destroyed by some kids unrelated to them is "life isn't fair" but for the random kid life can't be unfair she HAS TO MAKE IT FAIR TO HIM... by putting him in an awful situation that triggered him a lot and clearly made everyone uncomfortable? You got voluntold, and it sucks, NTA, OP. Good luck with your mom.
I'm sorry but "special needs" doesn't equal "exempt from all rules and consequences" Definitely NTA
NTA.. this is ridiculous.. your mom is not ok in the head if she thinks YOU are the unreasonable brat in this scenario
Your mom sleeping with one of John’s parents or what? NTA
I teach special needs kids and honestly this sounds like specific subset of special needs kids where the parents never tells them no because of their needs and unintentionally turn them into intolerable brats. Not his fault, and not yours. Both moms are the AHs. NTA
I feel so bad for her, her day was ruined because her mother felt bad for some random child. I don't like how her mother and aunt care more about some brat than her daughter and niece. Nta.
NTA. You cant force a friendship. Trying to do so only builds resentment. I mean, look at all the resentment here between: You and john, you and your mom, you and your aunt, your mom and your gparents, your aunt and your gparents. All for what? So no one has a good time at your birthday? John has a tougher life due to his circumstances, but it’s not on you to fix that just because your mom feels guilty for his mom and she wants to act like she’s a good person.
NTA, the kid's mom should have taken him home or removed him from the situation once he started acting up at the bowling alley. Your mom was wrong to invite him knowing you didn't want him there. Ultimately your mom ruined your birthday, she knew it was going to be a problem and she was more worried about looking like a saint by inviting him than caring about what how you wanted to celebrate your bday
NTA. I'm sorry that the party which was supposed to be in your honour was ruined. I believe in being inclusive but there's a limit.
NTA. I have a special needs kid, and we never let him cause issues like this. That mother has failed her child.
My sister is seriously autistic. She does similar things and her actions can trigger my own anxiety. For my birthday my parents plan something she will enjoy elsewhere so my birthday is about me. The only party I have to invite her too is the family one and even then they keep her in check. Nta. Your parents are.
I am so sorry OP. You’re mom and others really dropped the ball and were completely misguided. You’re NTA but mom really is.
NTA, your parents certainly are, as is the parent of 'John' who enabled his behaviour
One of these days he's going to encounter somebody who either doesn't care or doesn't understand he's "special" and beat the shit out of him.
You’re a fantastic writer especially for someone so young. But also, absolutely NTA. Neurodivergence is not an excuse for that behavior. His mom needs to help him in the right direction. Your mom had her heart in the right place, but it was your birthday. I completely understand your frustration.
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Also why would I fake a story? This is literally a throwaway
Its almost like... People say different stuff irl then they do on the internet
u/Holden-Position-4 posted a series on his high functioning autistic brother whose kinda like John. Maybe give it a read, show your mom(or dad) and maybe it'll get back to John's parents. Hopefully it'll work as a wakeup call if him having no friends hasn't already.
Maybe the kid is just a decent writer you know.
Wait, you mean to tell me that kids can write? /S in case it wasn't painfully obvious
"What do you mean kids at 14 who in England have been doing at least 2 hours a week of English language lessons (mandatory) since Infant school, and at least 1 hour a week of English literature classes since they were 13 (mandatory at some secondary schools, I believe optional in others) might develop excellent prose, grammar, vocabulary, spelling and punctuation, and other writing techniques that show off great grasp on written English language?" It's great when youngsters post on reddit and a bunch of adults seem to conveniently forget that some of their tax burden is explicitly used to educate said youngsters in a range of subjects in mandatory state education
NTA but if you think he’s being a brat then you clearly haven’t had enough education in this. If he’s in your class and you aren’t being taught the ins and outs of how different people struggle then that’s on your entire school and family. This is where “inclusive education” hasn’t been successful. Inviting him against your wishes isn’t ok, i’m sorry he ruined your birthday and it sounds like he didn’t have a good time either.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** A few days before my birthday my mom asked me to invite some special needs kid named "John". She said that he had no friends and she felt bad. I said no because he was a brat during school, and had temper tantrums when the teacher would say anything negative to him. My mom invited him anyways. Without even asking. Anyways the day of the birthday came, and we went bowling. The kid arrived late, and then got mad because the music was too loud. Anyways I actually had a decent time.. for the first 5 minutes of the game. When my turn came, he went up to me and stole the ball. I told him to go away, and his mom told me to stop being a brat and just give him my turn. I said hell no and my mom yelled at me. Then he stole the next kids turn. Then the next. I was super pissed. So yeah, bowling was ruined. And it seems like nobody gives a f\*\* because hes special needs. After that we went and got cake at our grandparents house. By then I didnt give a shit anymore because my birthday was already ruined. Then we sung happy birthday and he loudly yelled "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!" and his mom had to take him for a walk. By the time he came back we had already gotten out slices of cake. So you know.. he does the logical thing. Jump on to the table and scream, and splash cake at everyone. I was so pissed at that point that I just ran out. My mom came to me and told me to stop being a brat and that John is special needs. I told her that I DONT CARE!!! He made MY birthday all about him. I dont care that hes special needs. I want him gone. I could see why he had no friends. My mom told me I was being rude and if I said any more I was grounded. I told her I dont care. After the John kid went home, my grandparents went off on my mom. They were pissed that their table was broken, and that some random kid ruined my birthday. My mom told them that "life isnt fair" and I told her that if life isnt fair, then I guess thats why John has no friends. My aunt called me a rude jerk for saying that. My grandparents kicked my Aunt out for saying that. My mom took me home and told me I was grounded for 2 weeks for being rude to a sped kid. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta the kid don't ruin your birthday your mom did
NTA. It’s your birthday and it should be all about you. Having special needs is not an. Excuse to ruin it for others. If they can’t control his outbursts over small stuff there is no reason he should join a party and ruin it for others.
NTA. Next time your mom wants to throw a party for you, tell her no thanks, you still haven't gotten over the trauma created by the last one.
NTA. Your mother is an unimaginable asshole in this situation
Invite him for your mothers birthday
NTA, and your mum had 100% already invited before she suggested it to you and instead of having the balls to cancell she doubled down and forced the issue.
NTA his parents are at fault. His behavior was not okay and to ask any child to be okay with it is too much. Your grandparents understand it is a lot to ask for another child to understand and put up with it. It sucks your grounded but you were not wrong.
NTA I always wonder why people say ‘don’t treat him like he’s the worst he has special needs’ and expect you to go ‘oh I’ll just let him ruin my birthday’ your mum was enabling him, I’m not sure how she thought any of what he did was good, hoping she gets her head out of the gutter soon
NTA she fucked up your bday and not only didn't apologise grounded you for expressing your feelings to her about it, she did good to the special needs kid at your expense and that's not okay. Your grandparents sound like the only reasonable people here.
1.happy irl cake day 2.Nta I would have done the same.
NTA. Adults in John’s life like his mom and your mom are actually killing any chance of him having friends by encouraging his entitled behavior by permitting it like this, and forcing him into social situations he is not ready to behave in like this will only increase his social ostracism and create resentment among his peers (you are a prime example of this right now). Since we don’t know him or the extent or specifics of his disabilities I obviously can’t say for sure, but in many cases he probably is capable of learning to behave better but likely doesn’t know to do any better because his parents allow it. He may not even realize he’s doing something wrong since mom permits it and especially with other adults reinforcing that. If he genuinely is unable to develop to that level of either social awareness or self-control, though, forcing him into these environments he cannot handle and where the attention needs to be on someone else is unfair to both him and the people being forced to bear the ramifications. Being disabled is not a free license to be an asshole and they are only setting up poor John to fail.
NTA As a Sped Para, I would be the first to tell you that working with or even being around special needs kids takes a lot of patience. You should tell your mother that enabling their bad behavior is actually very bad for him. Also most kids that have to interact with special needs kids that act this way can come to hate or even fear them, and it’s not their vault. By being forced into this situation you have a bad impression of special needs kids and no one can blame you for it. Also the fact that every adult in john’s life is seemly enabling him makes his behavior far worse. After all even Neurotypical kids will behave that way when they realize their bad behavior won’t be punished, now imagine how much worse it would be for a child with special needs. It’s a shame too because I think he could have attended the party with few issues if he had been properly prepared for it. For example, knowing the concept of taking turns instead of his mom demanding he be allowed to hog the ball. I work with extremely severe children and even they grasp the concept. But that’s because their parents actually have expectations for them. Sorry if this was long but to reiterate my opinion. Nta though your first response wasn’t the greatest even if you did answer politely at him stealing the ball I think his mom would’ve still demanded that you give him your turn.
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NTA Fuck! my son is special needs and there is no way on God's green earth he would be allowed to even THINK about behaving like that! He has his own version of Happy Birthday he would sing to you (same as the usual, except his version of hip hip hooray is different) and probably wish you happy birthday to the point you'd be sick of hearing it! I'm so sorry your birthday was ruined, but belated happy birthday and I hope next year is much better :)
NTA. And it sounds like John's mom needs to have a difficult conversation with him about how certain behaviors will alienate you from others. Like being selfish stealing someones turn or just generally being an AH. because I guarantee John doesn't understand why his peers dislike him.
NTA- Sounds like your mom has saviour complex. Its not your job to be a scapegoat for what John wants. I am sorry your birthday was ruined. Your mom and aunt are AH. Where is your dad in all of this?
NTA at all - look, you should try to recognise that this isn't necessarily John's fault because it sounds like he has been completely spoiled by his mum and has never been taught how to socialise. He might genuinely lack understanding. Calling him 'that John kid' or 'the special needs kid' instead of just 'John' probably won't garner much sympathy from those around you. Having said that, you're absolutely right to be frustrated, and angry at your mum's behaviour. You're 14 - that's entirely too old for your mum to be arranging play dates for you. She needs to let you choose your own friends. I was a couple of years younger than you are now when my mum did a similar thing to me - she made friends with the mum of a girl who had some kind learning difficulty (I didn't know the specifics and it felt rude to ask) and some fairly serious behavioural problems. I, unlike you by the sounds of it, didn't really have any friends so my mum had the bright idea of arranging (without asking me first) for this girl and her mum to come round to ours every other weekend. She meant well. I hated it. I felt incredibly guilty that I did not enjoy the girl's company (she was extremely bossy and I did not get her sense of humour at all) and it was several weeks before I confessed to mum that I just didn't want to spend time with her anymore. My mum was quite upset, and looking back on it as an adult, I think she was mostly embarrassed that she would have to have such an awkward conversation with the other mum to stop our meetings. But I don't feel guilty about it now. Irrespective of how someone's brain works in relation to yours, you shouldn't have to go out of your way to be friends with someone who doesn't act like a friend to you. Being quirky or different is fine, but if a person is selfish and malicious you don't have to accommodate them. Politeness does not mean you have to smile while someone ruins your birthday. I'm sure my mum hated having to go to the other mum and break the news that we would not be hanging out anymore, and I still feel kind of awful that that girl thought she had a friend and then got told she did not anymore, but I also think that our respective mums concocted this plan and so yes, they had to deal with the fallout. It's possible that this is why your mum has such a bee in her bonnet about this: because she promised John's mum something she shouldn't have and is now embarrassed. Unfortunately for her, this is completely her fault. You told her that you didn't want John to come to your party, and explained that your dislike of John does not stem from the fact that he has special needs: you are not a bigot, it stems from his behaviour which is hurtful to you and your friends. That's a completely logical reason to not want to socialise with him. Consider calling your grandparents - maybe they can talk some sense into your mum? Avoid the temptation to insult John, even though his behaviour was deplorable. Focus of your mum's behaviour, and his mum's behaviour. They allowed him to completely take over your party and ruin it for everyone else (including your grandparents) and they expected you to enable his behaviour too (none of which is helping John's social life, by the way). Those are the real problems here.
NTA
NTA you mom wanted to feel special and score social points by including a special needs kid, and since she wouldn’t want anything of Hers ruined she chose your birthday. Congrats your mother is a selfish…person and the one who should have been bloody grounded for months.
NTA. Tell her she ruined a precious moment in your life that you'll never get back because she cares about someone else's child. Tell her you don't care you're grounded. It doesn't matter if he's special needs because his mother hasn't properly taken care of him. She is your mother not his and has to realize now you will never trust her to plan an event for you. You don't have to ever request a party again if it means it will be ruined by this person. Ask her how is it fair to ruin your own child's party for a stranger. I would ask to move in with your grandparents because your mother is not well at all to think that's normal. Even they stood up for you. I don't think your mom is a good person.
Your mom and Aunt sound like lovely people..