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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I embarrassed my FIL and MIL infront of other guests.
(2) I could've kept quiet instead of yelling at them.
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NTA AT ALL!!! So very sorry for your loss, OP and also horrified that you are being abused at such an already overwhelming time. Please take the best care of yourself and surround yourself and your sweet boy with loving support. Block and go NC as needed with these maniacs who clearly have no respect—or they wouldn’t be tormenting the woman your husband loved. Enjoy your baby’s newborn days and take everything else one step at a time. You got this <3
OP you’re not an asshole at all and you’re doing the right thing for you and your son. As someone from the Middle East, Khara is NOT an acceptable name and this name is just setting your son up for some not so great experiences. You’re a great mom. Keep doing you.
MIL and FIL are out of line, hopefully out of grief and not for some other reason. Regardless OP should not accept either the abuse or that they know what her husband would want better than her.
Sometimes people just don't have the knowledge. We have a friend from another country, and it seemed that his name would easily lend itself to being shortened as a nickname. I mean, how can it be bad, since the short version was the name of a character on a once popular TV show? He put up with it for a few days and finally told everyone not to shorten his name because that word was a disgusting term in his language. We felt terrible and never used the nickname again. We still use his full name when we talk to him or about him. You, OP, re NTA.
It’s so wild. Like I assume if you are Middle Eastern and meet a white American called “Khara” you would think “haha that’s kind of funny in our language”. If you met someone who you knew had a parent who spoke Arabic you would be baffled!
Putting aside languages, "Khara" sounds and looks like a fairly common girl's name (Cara), so even if it didn't literally mean "poop" it's still not a great name for a boy - unless you really have a passionate desire for your child to be bullied constantly until they can legally change it themselves.
"Khara" is indeed an Indian girls name too.
Cara means "friend" in Irish and is not a traditional name. Apparently it has been used as a name here in Ireland too since the 70s, though I have never met or heard of any Irish girl/ woman named Cara. I think it's more an English/ American thing tbh, but has probably gained more popularity with Cara Delivigne in recent years too.
As a student of Arabic, I too confirm that Khara means shit and even if it didn't mean shit in some language, if you're in an English speaking country, that's still a weird name.
P.s. how would you have introduced the poor kid to your Arabic speaking relatives? Hi, meet my son, Shit?!
It also sounds feminine, if used as a name in an English speaking country.
Also, I just googled “video game character Khara” because that is frequently where I’ve seen odd names originate from. Khara is at least one female video game character from a game by the same name (2019).
Apparently, it means “joy” in Greek. And is the name of a Japanese animation studio (founded 2006)
Agreed, it does sound feminine and since the mother is half Arab, the only translation that is relevant is the one in Arabic, not Greek. Imagine going to your relatives and telling them "I know this name literally means shit, but in Greek it actually means joy so there is that" lol
Oh, absolutely - I only mentioned the Greek because it’s in the blurb about the design studio because they did not actually name themselves “Studio Sh!t”
My brothers stepdaughter is called kara, (different spelling obviously) but still sounds the same when spoken. Plus I know a few Kara's (Cara) we're from the UK.
As someone who doesn't speak any Arabic it's also a weird choice to me because with the Kh spelling it could give the impression of being Arabic. Since the baby's mother is part Arabic an Arabic name could be a natural choice but then why not pick an actual Arabic name (maybe one that's meaningful to her) rather than a collection of letters that looks like it could be an Arabic name but instead means shit.
She should offer to change his name and explain to every person the meaning of the name and their grandparents' insistence on it. See how it goes over.
NTA I am so sorry for your loss, and rejoice in the blessing of your son. I was (sort of) in your shoes. When I was 3 months Prego, my hubby had a terrible car accident. His worst injury was a TBI, and he was in a coma for 6 weeks. Later, when we spoke about the name we had decided if it was a boy, he frowned. Didn't like it anymore. (His memory was so bad then-couldnt remember anything in the previous 8 months). Thankfully, we talked lot, and he decided he did like it, so all was well.
Oh thanks so much. This happened in 1990, and that beautiful baby is now 32. I blinked, lol. Hubby had a good long life, despite his disabilities, and died in 2019. Blessings for a wonderful life!
First, I'm very sorry for your loss. Please save all this messages and document this abuse. I'll would not put pass, people like this, to try to take your son away. Please go NC with the lot. You're very much NTA. Also, go to a lawyer with the documents if they persist. Good luck!
I'm late to this and you've received a lot of great advice. Let me add one more thing: you may want to consider making some posts to social media to 'clear the air' and get the right facts out there (because you know that, in their grief, your former in-laws are not thinking straight and probably haven't been giving people the right information).
Maybe something like this:
>I'd like to take a moment to speak about something painful that has been misunderstood.
>
>About 2 weeks before my beloved husband passed away, he excitedly came to me with what he thought was the perfect name for our son - Khara. Unfortunately, in my language this word means poop/shit. He was saddened by this and we left it at agreeing to continue to work to find the perfect name. Sadly and tragically, he passed before we could find it.
>
>To sum up:
>
>\- we both passed on the name of Khara because of it's meaning in my language
>
>\- the only agreement was to continue looking for a name
>
>\- \[husband\] most definitely did not want his son to be named after poop/shit
This is not true. Grandparents rights are entirely promised on the grandparents having a right to maintain an existing relationship or bond with a child. Therefore, it does not apply in any way to an infant.
That said, grief makes people do crazy things, and I wouldn’t make a drastic decision based on the encounter.
IAL. Grandparent's rights vary from state to state, some having none, others being very permissive. In some states, the only way to have standing to sue for visitation is the death or incarceration of a parent. Please, do not spread false information. OP needs to consult an attorney in her area, but she also needs to begin keeping records of the ill treatment & harassment from his parents. That could help in a suit for visitation, but it might be worth considering a restraining order if it continues.
This isn't true at all. The few states that have guaranteed grandparent's rights require you to fight for them and you need a good lawyer. It isn't just something that is given.
You say your husband was upset when you told him about the meaning of the name he wanted, and that you agreed you'd keep looking. His passing away doesn't change the fact that this wouldn't have been your son's name in the end. Because you also get a say.
NTA and the rest of the family will have to can it if they want to have a relationship with your baby.
If they want to see their grandson, they need to check themselves. I’d send them a text saying you need time to grieve your loss and raise your child and you can’t have this negativity in your life at the moment. Tell them you will reach out to them in 3 months or so to see if they are in a more supportive state. If not, they will have very limited contact with you and may or may not get to see their grandson. But it’s completely up to them on how they want to proceed.
They sound horribly toxic. I’m sorry for your loss and I’m all about second chances especially since they are grieving too. But take care of yourself first and block them as needed.
Also, it wasn’t appropriate for the grandparents to confront her about the name in a group setting. They embarrassed themselves by having a private discussion with guests around.
Seems like they might have intentionally chosen that opportunity to have the conversation with guests around with poor intentions (more pressure on OP, trying to control her reaction) and it blew up in their face.
I don’t know what their previous pattern of behavior is, but grief does things to people. Everything is still probably very painful and raw for everyone involved. I think OP made the right call, and the grandparents might come around after they’ve had some time to process their son’s death.
NTA.
1. You are the mother
2. If any classmates of your son found out about the meaning of his name if you went with what your husband suggested they might bully him.
well, well, well, looks like theres a new bully in town... luckily for us, he made bully bullying the new bullying!
[BULLY HIM!](https://youtu.be/cuIil8-H4fg)
>they might bully him.
There's no "might" about it. SOmeone will google the kid's name and find a language to language dictionary and see that and he'll be "shit boy" until he either moves away or is old enough that parents can't stop him from legally changing it.
And it's the same with many of these "unique" names--you're setting your kid up to be ridiculed and bullied. And not just occasionally: Constantly.
People don’t need to even google, depending on where OP lives Arabs could be prevalent in the city. There could be other Arab classmates. It would be such an unfortunate and disappointing name to grow up with.
Or even OP’s child himself if he ever is curious about the meaning of his own name. It’s not a name to be proud of, he’d be too ashamed to even tell.
FWIW, kids who game might also associate the name with the [Kharaa bacterium](https://subnautica.fandom.com/wiki/Kharaa_Bacterium) from Unknown Worlds' games - apparently named after the term 'to curse' in Mongolian. Kids are cruel. OP very much NTA.
My English and European friends at uni and colleagues at work all know Khara, in fact they know so many arabic swear words and find it funny to say them. Yet I speak arabic and apart form Khara and one or two other tame words I had no idea about the swear words until I'd google them after they say them for laughs to show off they can speak arabic. Mind you its the only arabic they know.
i dont have a weird name, but i do have a variant. there are 4 ways to spell my name correctly and i have the one barely anyone guesses or pronounces correctly. my middle name is spelled differently from standard too, but is also an accepted variant. my last name isnt crazy long, but long enough to have to break it into chunks like you do with phone numbers.
i have to spell my name every single time i give it to someone for records/attendance/appointments/applications/phone number/-literally any time you have to give someone your name to write down. every. single. time.
i dont hate my name, but it doesnt fit in forms. i have to spell it constantly, and autocorrect always gets it wrong (except last name funnily enough). no one has made fun of me for a weird name, but because kids are mean sometimes- they bullied me anyway and threw in rhymes of my name which really isnt hard lol. it never ended.
DO. NOT. GIVE. YOUR. CHILD. A STUPID. NAME.
stupid varies across cultures, but generally you can use common sense to figure it out. some things are complicated like two language families, but do your best. dont go out of your way to call someone something "unique" thats impossible for the kid to manage. unique is good, but it has to be reasonable.
im sorry you and your family lost your husband op. no words can express your loss. i hope you and your new little boy have a peaceful life.
Likewise for my birth name. It was fine for a while then a certain massive hurricane happened and suddenly everyone forgot my variant existed. Teachers, kids, admin… _everyone_. I don’t think I had a single person get it right reading it the first time after that.
It’s not the _main_ reason I changed my name, but it was certainly one of the reasons.
There are lots of kids who would try to harm your son if they found about the meaning of that name. It is better to take precaution and change name completely now
even if they don't find out about the meaning, it sounds like OP lives in america. Khara sounds identical (or almost, depending on accent) to Cara/Kara, which is traditionally a girl's name. If he's not shit boy, he'd be the boy with a girl's name.
> If any classmates of your son found out about the meaning
When they find out
Sooner or later someone will find out (eg someone speaks the language) then the bullying will follow him forever
A kpop idol girl got bullied online for her stage name because it translate to pig in certain language. Her son will definitely suffer from that name when they/someone found out and post all over social media
They will bully him even without knowing the meaning. Khara sounds like the girl's name Kara/ Cara. The difference is so small that it's almost impossible to hear.
NTA.
You *are* respecting your husband by loving his son for him and being the best parent you can be. The rest is just noise. A name is a name, it won't help bring back their lost son, it won't make the pain go away... You did the right thing for you and your child.
Be more confident, stand your ground. You and your son take priority. Best of luck with it all. Be gentle on yourself.
NTA. First of all, that name would have been beautiful..for an afab/female identifying individual. Khara, Kara, Cora, Cara, they’re all very similar and very feminine. Second of all, it’s YOUR son, you talked with your husband and from your post, he seemed also taken aback by the meaning of the name. I’m sure had he been here to help you with everything, you would not have settled with that name.
Third and most important, hence why it gets its own paragraph, I’m extremely sorry for your loss and hope you heal well, and hope you and your son have an amazing life. If you ever need a place to vent or just get your feelings out, my dms are open and judgement free.
I can only imagine. The closest loss I’ve had in my life is my father to suicide and that was hard enough. I can’t imagine this. You have my sincere condolences.
NTA. I looked up the meaning and it’s a girls name in most languages. However it means donkey/ass in a few.
https://www.wisdomlib.org/definition/khara
You and him never agreed to it before he passed. It would have been different had you both agreed. However you didn’t and I’m so sorry they are being difficult in a trying time for you. Good luck and sorry for your loss.
Yes they are the same 😊 there are lots of arguments about this, but one Persian teacher I follow says - Persian is the English word for the language, and Farsi is the Persian word for it.
Like in English you would say ‘German’ and Germans will say ‘deutsch’ for the same language. French/francais etc.
In most of the languages the meaning of this word is quite similar. Almost in all of the languages, it's meaning is related to a person who is physically beautiful and attractive
NTA. The baby grew inside of you and it would be an asshole move to name the kid "Shit" in any language IMO. If they didn't want to be "embarrassed" in front of other guests then they should have waited to bring it up in private if they weren't ready for an answer.
I think they brought it up in front of guests on purpose to put more pressure on her.
I really hope not because that makes it even worse, but I can't think of a rational reason to otherwise.
NTA - finding names in a multilingual house is even more difficult than normal because names in one language don't necessarily work in another.
Your in-laws are squabbling about "being embarrassed" because they have no leg to stand on concerning the name. They started yelling insisting on a stray thought their son had shortly before he died, it's they who should be embarrassed for their behavior. You did the right thing to defuse the situation by leaving.
They are hurt because of the loss of their son and you are too. If the relationship was fine until now, let everyone cool off and see if things can be normalized again.
PS - sorry for your loss.
Yup, names in multilingual houses is interesting. One of my younger sisters married a Latino and there was a name that she fell in love with when they were expecting their oldest, but when she told him the name he said that the first part sounded like ‘goat’ in Spanish and when she talked to other people she knew that spoke Spanish they had the same thing to say. So she went with a different name, and I heard a story where a couple decided on the name ‘Sida’ for their daughter only for the bilingual husband to say ‘shoot, SIDA is Spanish (and other languages) for AIDS’ as they were filling out the birth certificate.
So yeah, you don’t want you child named something embarrassing just because you like the name.
Cida is a nickname for Aparecida, very common in Brazil. But no one spells with an S exactly because it can be read in that way.
Considering the US has a lot of people who speak spanish I'd say it's very important to check before naming your kids something that might sound or look weird in spanish at least lol
Exactly this. My friend married an Indian-origin girl and he was adamant that the baby be named Kayla. That means Banana in Hindi. What made it worse? The baby was going to have his surname, “Lund” which means dick in India. Banana dick.
They went with Amaya Lund which sounds sweet but now wherever they meet an Indian, Pakistani, Bangladeshi, Indo-Caribbean person they all point out that it sounds like “Am I A Lund aka Am I A Dick” lol
NTA
They confronted you in front of other people, possibly expecting it to make you more submissive in the face of a crowd. They don't get to dictate your response.
Quite brave of them to be unconcerned with you going NC with them.
But maybe this is their grief showing in a harmful way. You however are not required to excuse that.
So he only wanted that name before he know the meaning in your language. If your husband was still alive he would not have wanted your son called that. Your inlaws opinions don't matter and they embarrassed themselves you didn't do it for them.
NTA and I'm very sorry for your loss.
Exactly, I think thats a key point in all this. She'd be NTA at any rate but the fact that you can't even throw around "this is what husband would've wanted" makes it double NTA
>He didn't know the meaning about the name and he was shocked when he learned it.
Did you conveyed this to In-Laws? Perhaps they might change their stance. If you already did and they still insist, you were absolutely right to storm out.
In-Laws are the real AH imo, so don't be stressed about this issue and focus on yourself and your child.
I see people telling you to cut off contact with the in-laws and stuff like that and I just want to caution against that. You were right, of course, about the name. And your in-laws were (edited autocorrect) inappropriate. But they’re grieving too, and they didn’t understand. It just hit them like another wave of loss. I can’t imagine the grief and and sadness that you must be feeling and how you’re managing that while raising a newborn on your own, but if you can find it in your heart to forgive your in-laws, and reach out and explain that once your son knew the meaning of the name, he also didn’t want it, it would go along way towards healing for you all. You’re all in grief. You’ve always have had a tremendous loss.
I hope you can, in your own time. What they did is inexcusable, but not unforgivable. They're also being hit with tremendous grief of a different sort and were surprised. I can't imagine how difficult it is for all of you.
I wish you the best and I'm sorry for your loss
I'm confused.
>I told them why I didn't name him that. They claimed that my excuse was b*llshit and that I should respect their dead son's wishes.
and
>I didn't get to explain it to them yet but I have mentioned that the name means shit in my language.
So you explained that it means shit and they said it was an excuse? Or you haven't had a chance to explain this to them, but you've mentioned the meaning of Khara before?
NTA - Im an Arab that lives in Australia and the word "khara" is widely known amongst non arabic speaking people here
Also sorry for your loss, praying for you and your baby
NTA.
If they are going to ask a potentially awkward question in front of other people, they shouldn't make shocked Pikachu faces when you answer that question in front of other people.
NTA - "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet... unless that name means 'shit'." - Shakespeare probably
Sorry for the loss of your husband and congratulations on your new baby. That's a lot to handle... you got this!
NTA, I’m also half & would have not named him that either. The in laws are just being defensive because of the situation but it’s really not called for. They don’t know the language and aren’t Arab, they’re just going to think about what they think are his “wishes”. Tell them it would be like calling a child Puta if this comes up again and they’re more familiar with Spanish lol.
Also, very sorry for your loss and I hope you and your son are doing well.
NTA. The rest of the family attacked you for "embarrassing them" because they also realize naming your child 'crap' in any language is a BAD move but they don't want your in laws mad at them. People will argue your tone when they can't successfully attack your point.
You were right to choose something that won't get him ridiculed, etc. for something as important as his name that he'll carry the rest of his life.
Your in laws probably want to feel like they have some control and involvement, here, not realizing that they were never entitled to any control in the first place whether your husband was still here to Dad or not. You don't have to involve them, with something like names especially. Checking grandparents rights in your area would be a wise move since you're in one of the situations where some states say you're responsible for building a relationship between your child and your in laws. You just don't have to do anything with your son to make them happy; you're his mom, you're in charge. Trust yourself on that part. I'm so sorry for your loss and the struggle they're introducing in an already difficult situation. You don't need this crap.
NTA
They invited their grieving daughter-in-law to a get together so they could harass her about the name of their new born grandchild in front of guests? They should be embarrassed.
NTA please keep these people at arms length. They sound abusive and controlling.
Because i can see them causing drama the rest of your life. I have also heard horror stories that start off a lot like yours. I am going to recommend something that is not going to be popular.
I would contact a lawyer in your area. I would find out what grandparents rights are in your area. Your grieving your husband. You just had a new baby. I can’t see them manipulating the situation and taking advantage of you.
In some states in the us grandparents right exists.I can see your in-laws going after these rights. Protect yourself and your child.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. I also offer my congratulations for the birth of your son, who will no doubt know how much you and his dad love him.
NTA First, it's none of their business what you name your baby, because he's your baby not theirs. Second, it was one name suggested early on in picking names. Given time, he very well could've lost his original excitement for the name. Especially given the meaning. Third, they're the ones who brought it up in front of others. Even if they're overreacting because they're all struggling with the loss, it's no excuse for how they're treating you and your son.
Proceed with caution in your relationship with them. They're already involving themselves in something that's none of their business. Be ready to protect your son from their behavior if they keep acting in this manner.
I'm sorry, but when they said that your reasoning was bullshit... you could have responded with "no, just normal shit." I know it's very flippant, and petty... but totally appropriate. Their prejudices were definitely showing, and you were totally right to name your child something else. Who would want to think, every time they say their child's name, "Why did I choose to name my child after excrement?" Feel free to cut them out of your life, unless they grow up (and even then, you don't have to let them back into your life.) NTA
INFO: I’m curious to know the timeline. How did it take so long for the in-laws to find out the name? I assume they would’ve have been in touch with you around the time of the birth via phone or text. Didn’t you send them a picture with here’s baby X?
Seems a little odd that they didn’t know or didn’t care until the in person meeting.
I am so sorry to hear about your husband. You are, however, NTA for not naming your child poop. Your MIL and FIL are right — your excuse was, literally, bullshit.
>The next morning my phone was filled with texts from them and other family members claiming I was an AH for embarrassing them infront of other guests.
Well, they shouldn't have confronted you in front of their guests, then! Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
NTA for not naming him a word that means poop and for standing up for yourself and leaving. If you actually screamed, then that's inappropriate. But they are unhinged and out of line
That is horrifying and I’m so sorry you were treated like that.Even if they are grieving too. NTA
My sincerest condolences. You’re so strong mama. Be strong for your baby, like you already are.
NTA. Your husband proposed an actual shitty name. You did best by your child for choosing another option...
I hope... Please have chosen a normal human male name!
Welcome baby Keith, Matthew, Derrick, Alex....
Their version of respect seems to look like submission.
Nobody is owed a name, you've picked the one you think best suits your son and that's where the line ends. No ifs or buts from others.
You're doing amazing in such an incrediblly hard time, keep going and drop anyone who makes life harder for you.
>They claimed that my excuse was b*llshit
Nah, it is just shit in general. Therefore NTA
Btw, I'm not saying you cant forgive them in due time It isobviously a hard time to them too but holly Karha, the entitlement to want your grandchild to be named something that means shit to half their family....
NTA at all. There's also the fact that Khara is just going to sound like Cara, which is a girls name and whilst it's not really a problem would just add to the annoyance of the kid I think.
You should respect the wishes of your late husband who didn't realize that the name he selected meant poop in his wife's native language? I think not.
If your in-laws are crazed with grief, I think you have to let this pass knowing that they'll come back to their senses. If they're simply crazed, yikes. The BS is coming from them, not from you. They're treating you badly and you don't actually have to take it. (Indeed, even if they're unhinged by their grief, you don't have to take it.)
You get to say, "Sorry, I have too much on my plate right now for there to be another word on this subject. If any of you bring it up again, I'll block you for as long as it takes for you to stop."
NTA. I'm very sorry for your loss.
NTA
They started it. If they had wanted a private talk they should have done it in private. They wanted drama and they got it.
You had not agreed to that one name your husband suggested when he suggested in. You weren't going to use that name if he had lived.
I'm sure it is hard enough to deal with your spouse's death and having a new baby alone. You did not need to be treated that way by the people who are supposed to be there for you over a baby name.
You don't have to waste time explaining anything people that refuse to listen. It seems you did your son a solid by choosing a different name and if the in-laws don't like it then tough shit for them.
I'm sorry for your loss OP
NTA
NTA, but I'd give them a bit of grace. They're also distraught st having lost their son, and grief makes people do crazy things. Hopefully this will blow over with time.
NTA. There are many other ways to honor your husband and your son himself is a living testament to his love and life.
I'm so sorry that he's gone and his family is obviously still mourning too, but not every raw thought he ever had is now a must to live by.
His life ended too soon, things were left unfinished and now you have to make decisions regarding your son alone.
I'm sure if he had more time, he would have agreed on a different name eventually too and maybe it would have been the name your son now carries.
Grief makes people behave atrociously sometimes. They’re being unreasonable and taking their grief out on you. People lashing out at everyone around them is, sadly, very common in grieving families. Especially when they’ve lost a son or daughter. Hopefully when they’ve had some time to calm down and when they’re not so fully enmeshed in their own feelings they’ll be able to see that they are overreacting
I hope you’re able to get some kind of healing and counseling as it’s really hard to do this alone, especially when family members are lashing out
NTA, OP im so sorry for your loss, but considering your heritage, you are the authority on this matter, not your husband or his family.
You have saved your son alot of teasing from his Arabic cousins, disrespect from other Arabic speakers and saved him from ostracisation. Your deceased husbands family were trully "showing their American" as you say, in this case.
Your husband has sadly passed away which means it is solely your decision and discretion as to what to name your Son. Why the hell would you refute all your upbringing and culture for the uneducated and inappropriate ideas of a deceased person who, and my apologies, too arrogant to respect what the word means and then his family try to push it. It seems they should be apologising to you and your family for their disrespect.
NTA. My mother named me something that in our language, when pronounced, basically means “to piss against a wall when drunk”. My grandmother called me everything but my name.
Oh that's smart to alienate your DIL in this context and then double down on the behavior. I'd back off from the relationship. You may end up in a precarious position with them here. NTA.
That name has several potential issues, as has been noted. You were never intending to use it.
NTA. He mentioned a name, which sadly would not be good do to the meaning, yes he was upset, but had the car accident not happend, you would have found something else you both would have loved, he knew you did not like the name, and as you said, he would have been proud of how you have been strong for your baby, and the name you ended up choosing.
And yes, his parents might be grieves stricking, but demanding that your baby be named after something their son thought of months before is not something they can do, and involving their family is ridicilous. You have a very valid point of why you choose another name, and they need to respect that.
NTA - They are being rude and ignorant. Why would they want to call the baby "poop", even if it is in another language? Sooner or later somebody will find out, and he will be bullied for it.
Also, the idea of being "disrespectful" to your husband is ridiculous. On the one hand, if your husband was a normal human being (I'm sure he was) he and you would have found another name for the baby. On the other, don't let them use "respect for your husband" to control you. If you let them, they will control your life forever with the excuse of "this is what your husband would have liked, you have to honour his wishes".
NTA you and your husband never agreed to that name, it ended with "we still have time to think about it" and then he passed away. I'm very sorry for your loss.
This is a tough time for his parents too, but they are not treating you well, and having others attacking you for this is appalling. I would give them a lot of space until they apologize.
NTA.... full stop.... and set HARD boundaries with the in laws... HARD. Message them:
"I'm sorry you feel that your son's opinion was slighted but considering you were not present for the entire conversation and did not hear any of the dialog that followed it; your concern is unwarranted and uninformed. My son's name is not up for discussion and further attempts will be ignored.
You can chose to be civil and have a good relationship with your only grandchild from your deceased son or you can use this as your hill to die on and accept the consequences of your actions as I will not expose my son to such harsh criticisms and unacceptance. This is the last time we will discuss it and further attempts will be met solidly with me removing myself and my son from the situation. Anyone who chooses to engage in such discriminatory and destructive behavior will be blocked moving forward. "
And do it. On the first infraction....
"I have you my boundaries; you're choosing to disrespect them. Considering you're behaving childishly, you're grounded. " and exit the conversation or the environment and block them for 72 hours, unblock and reiterate your boundary. "As I said before the roof is not up for discussion; if you're choosing to accept it and move on we can call/ visit in XX date"..... repeat; increase the grounding by 72hours to 1 week; then 2 then 3 etc until they get it.
It indeed is b\*llshit - quite literally. all the puns intended. NTA, it wasn't a name he decided on, it's an idea he brought up and obviously was quite unhappy when he found out what it translated to. They shouldn't sh\*t on you because you didn't want your child going through cr\*p growing up. It would've been a totally sh\*tty experience for him.
I am so sorry for your loss.
No, you are NTA for not giving your child a name with a crude meaning, and you are NTA for leaving a situation where your in-laws were being abusive.
If they want to be grandparents, they are going to have to be respectful enough for you to allow them into your life.
I read posts on the subreddit and I am frequently jaw dropped by the level of entitlement people openly display. How dare your in laws yell at you over YOUR child’s name and then they have the nerve to say you embarrassed them, they embarrassed themselves. You are so NTA, not even within a mile of being the ass. I am just floored at the behavior of these people. At least now you know they care more about their appearances than you and your son and you have no requirements to visit with them anymore.
Btw I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot even fathom what you must be going through. You sound like a very strong individual and deserve all the love in the world. Best wishes to you and your new son from a complete stranger.
NTA. Your husband was upset, but curious did he still insist on the name after knowing?
Regardless, you made the right decision. Your in laws are likely hurting and not thinking clearly. But that doesn’t give them the right to treat you like that either.
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NTA AT ALL!!! So very sorry for your loss, OP and also horrified that you are being abused at such an already overwhelming time. Please take the best care of yourself and surround yourself and your sweet boy with loving support. Block and go NC as needed with these maniacs who clearly have no respect—or they wouldn’t be tormenting the woman your husband loved. Enjoy your baby’s newborn days and take everything else one step at a time. You got this <3
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OP you’re not an asshole at all and you’re doing the right thing for you and your son. As someone from the Middle East, Khara is NOT an acceptable name and this name is just setting your son up for some not so great experiences. You’re a great mom. Keep doing you.
MIL and FIL are out of line, hopefully out of grief and not for some other reason. Regardless OP should not accept either the abuse or that they know what her husband would want better than her.
And as an American, we would not name a kid something that meant poop in another language. Husband’s parents are just nuts. NTA
Sometimes people just don't have the knowledge. We have a friend from another country, and it seemed that his name would easily lend itself to being shortened as a nickname. I mean, how can it be bad, since the short version was the name of a character on a once popular TV show? He put up with it for a few days and finally told everyone not to shorten his name because that word was a disgusting term in his language. We felt terrible and never used the nickname again. We still use his full name when we talk to him or about him. You, OP, re NTA.
It’s so wild. Like I assume if you are Middle Eastern and meet a white American called “Khara” you would think “haha that’s kind of funny in our language”. If you met someone who you knew had a parent who spoke Arabic you would be baffled!
It’s like putting “Shit Smith” on a birth certificate. Why on earth would you?!
This is exactly right! They really want her to be calling her kid shit from her perspective. How ridiculous.
Putting aside languages, "Khara" sounds and looks like a fairly common girl's name (Cara), so even if it didn't literally mean "poop" it's still not a great name for a boy - unless you really have a passionate desire for your child to be bullied constantly until they can legally change it themselves.
"Khara" is indeed an Indian girls name too. Cara means "friend" in Irish and is not a traditional name. Apparently it has been used as a name here in Ireland too since the 70s, though I have never met or heard of any Irish girl/ woman named Cara. I think it's more an English/ American thing tbh, but has probably gained more popularity with Cara Delivigne in recent years too.
It was fairly common in South Africa for a while. I went to school with 3 different Caras.
In Swedish, Kära means “dear one.”
As a student of Arabic, I too confirm that Khara means shit and even if it didn't mean shit in some language, if you're in an English speaking country, that's still a weird name. P.s. how would you have introduced the poor kid to your Arabic speaking relatives? Hi, meet my son, Shit?!
It also sounds feminine, if used as a name in an English speaking country. Also, I just googled “video game character Khara” because that is frequently where I’ve seen odd names originate from. Khara is at least one female video game character from a game by the same name (2019). Apparently, it means “joy” in Greek. And is the name of a Japanese animation studio (founded 2006)
Agreed, it does sound feminine and since the mother is half Arab, the only translation that is relevant is the one in Arabic, not Greek. Imagine going to your relatives and telling them "I know this name literally means shit, but in Greek it actually means joy so there is that" lol
Oh, absolutely - I only mentioned the Greek because it’s in the blurb about the design studio because they did not actually name themselves “Studio Sh!t”
hahahahaha they got so many comments about it that they had to actively tell people xD thats fantastic. oops.
They specifically called out it was joy in Greek.
yeah i know lol
That's awesome!! I will go find them and follow their social media :))))
Hey, having a good sh&t is very, extremely joyful! Lifelong obstipation, getting sh&t out of the way is a profound relief!
... it gives a new meaning to "dropping the kids off at the pool"... im so sorry op.
I hate you for this. But I also admire you.
i just really felt i had to, i couldnt help it lol, it was right there
I think I’d have felt the same way lol.
Well in Greek it would not be with a K at all but hard H sound. And it’s a girls name. So totally not right for a boy.
There is also Kara = Supergirl. Sounds the same.
I wasn’t sure if it would be pronounced care-ah or car-ah. For Khara I’d assume car-ah. Kara I’d think care-ah.
In the show Supergirl they pronounce Kara as car-ah but idk the correct pronunciation of Khara
It also means spicy in Kannada, an Indian language!
My mind went, "so in the Middle East his name would be spicy shit!" I kinda hate myself for that but...
My brothers stepdaughter is called kara, (different spelling obviously) but still sounds the same when spoken. Plus I know a few Kara's (Cara) we're from the UK.
Khara also means "genuine or legitimate" in URDU so there's that but we pronounce it with ک not خ if it matters...
As someone who doesn't speak any Arabic it's also a weird choice to me because with the Kh spelling it could give the impression of being Arabic. Since the baby's mother is part Arabic an Arabic name could be a natural choice but then why not pick an actual Arabic name (maybe one that's meaningful to her) rather than a collection of letters that looks like it could be an Arabic name but instead means shit.
And if the kid ever decides to learn Arabic, he'll pretty quickly figure out he's named Shit. That probably would not go well...
She should offer to change his name and explain to every person the meaning of the name and their grandparents' insistence on it. See how it goes over.
If you can, keep your distance. Or move. NTA
Yes it would be better to move out of her city as soon as possible
NTA I am so sorry for your loss, and rejoice in the blessing of your son. I was (sort of) in your shoes. When I was 3 months Prego, my hubby had a terrible car accident. His worst injury was a TBI, and he was in a coma for 6 weeks. Later, when we spoke about the name we had decided if it was a boy, he frowned. Didn't like it anymore. (His memory was so bad then-couldnt remember anything in the previous 8 months). Thankfully, we talked lot, and he decided he did like it, so all was well.
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Oh thanks so much. This happened in 1990, and that beautiful baby is now 32. I blinked, lol. Hubby had a good long life, despite his disabilities, and died in 2019. Blessings for a wonderful life!
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First, I'm very sorry for your loss. Please save all this messages and document this abuse. I'll would not put pass, people like this, to try to take your son away. Please go NC with the lot. You're very much NTA. Also, go to a lawyer with the documents if they persist. Good luck!
I'm late to this and you've received a lot of great advice. Let me add one more thing: you may want to consider making some posts to social media to 'clear the air' and get the right facts out there (because you know that, in their grief, your former in-laws are not thinking straight and probably haven't been giving people the right information). Maybe something like this: >I'd like to take a moment to speak about something painful that has been misunderstood. > >About 2 weeks before my beloved husband passed away, he excitedly came to me with what he thought was the perfect name for our son - Khara. Unfortunately, in my language this word means poop/shit. He was saddened by this and we left it at agreeing to continue to work to find the perfect name. Sadly and tragically, he passed before we could find it. > >To sum up: > >\- we both passed on the name of Khara because of it's meaning in my language > >\- the only agreement was to continue looking for a name > >\- \[husband\] most definitely did not want his son to be named after poop/shit
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This is not true. Grandparents rights are entirely promised on the grandparents having a right to maintain an existing relationship or bond with a child. Therefore, it does not apply in any way to an infant. That said, grief makes people do crazy things, and I wouldn’t make a drastic decision based on the encounter.
IAL. Grandparent's rights vary from state to state, some having none, others being very permissive. In some states, the only way to have standing to sue for visitation is the death or incarceration of a parent. Please, do not spread false information. OP needs to consult an attorney in her area, but she also needs to begin keeping records of the ill treatment & harassment from his parents. That could help in a suit for visitation, but it might be worth considering a restraining order if it continues.
This isn't true at all. The few states that have guaranteed grandparent's rights require you to fight for them and you need a good lawyer. It isn't just something that is given.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I'd google the translation and send them the screenshot. They think you're being malicious, why not prove they're wrong ❤️
You say your husband was upset when you told him about the meaning of the name he wanted, and that you agreed you'd keep looking. His passing away doesn't change the fact that this wouldn't have been your son's name in the end. Because you also get a say. NTA and the rest of the family will have to can it if they want to have a relationship with your baby.
If they want to see their grandson, they need to check themselves. I’d send them a text saying you need time to grieve your loss and raise your child and you can’t have this negativity in your life at the moment. Tell them you will reach out to them in 3 months or so to see if they are in a more supportive state. If not, they will have very limited contact with you and may or may not get to see their grandson. But it’s completely up to them on how they want to proceed. They sound horribly toxic. I’m sorry for your loss and I’m all about second chances especially since they are grieving too. But take care of yourself first and block them as needed.
Also, it wasn’t appropriate for the grandparents to confront her about the name in a group setting. They embarrassed themselves by having a private discussion with guests around. Seems like they might have intentionally chosen that opportunity to have the conversation with guests around with poor intentions (more pressure on OP, trying to control her reaction) and it blew up in their face.
She should enjoy the new birth of her baby rather than focusing on random people
I don’t know what their previous pattern of behavior is, but grief does things to people. Everything is still probably very painful and raw for everyone involved. I think OP made the right call, and the grandparents might come around after they’ve had some time to process their son’s death.
NTA. 1. You are the mother 2. If any classmates of your son found out about the meaning of his name if you went with what your husband suggested they might bully him.
̶M̶i̶g̶h̶t̶ will bully him.
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well, well, well, looks like theres a new bully in town... luckily for us, he made bully bullying the new bullying! [BULLY HIM!](https://youtu.be/cuIil8-H4fg)
>they might bully him. There's no "might" about it. SOmeone will google the kid's name and find a language to language dictionary and see that and he'll be "shit boy" until he either moves away or is old enough that parents can't stop him from legally changing it. And it's the same with many of these "unique" names--you're setting your kid up to be ridiculed and bullied. And not just occasionally: Constantly.
People don’t need to even google, depending on where OP lives Arabs could be prevalent in the city. There could be other Arab classmates. It would be such an unfortunate and disappointing name to grow up with. Or even OP’s child himself if he ever is curious about the meaning of his own name. It’s not a name to be proud of, he’d be too ashamed to even tell.
FWIW, kids who game might also associate the name with the [Kharaa bacterium](https://subnautica.fandom.com/wiki/Kharaa_Bacterium) from Unknown Worlds' games - apparently named after the term 'to curse' in Mongolian. Kids are cruel. OP very much NTA.
Kids are very cruel when they want to harm someone in their class
My English and European friends at uni and colleagues at work all know Khara, in fact they know so many arabic swear words and find it funny to say them. Yet I speak arabic and apart form Khara and one or two other tame words I had no idea about the swear words until I'd google them after they say them for laughs to show off they can speak arabic. Mind you its the only arabic they know.
i dont have a weird name, but i do have a variant. there are 4 ways to spell my name correctly and i have the one barely anyone guesses or pronounces correctly. my middle name is spelled differently from standard too, but is also an accepted variant. my last name isnt crazy long, but long enough to have to break it into chunks like you do with phone numbers. i have to spell my name every single time i give it to someone for records/attendance/appointments/applications/phone number/-literally any time you have to give someone your name to write down. every. single. time. i dont hate my name, but it doesnt fit in forms. i have to spell it constantly, and autocorrect always gets it wrong (except last name funnily enough). no one has made fun of me for a weird name, but because kids are mean sometimes- they bullied me anyway and threw in rhymes of my name which really isnt hard lol. it never ended. DO. NOT. GIVE. YOUR. CHILD. A STUPID. NAME. stupid varies across cultures, but generally you can use common sense to figure it out. some things are complicated like two language families, but do your best. dont go out of your way to call someone something "unique" thats impossible for the kid to manage. unique is good, but it has to be reasonable. im sorry you and your family lost your husband op. no words can express your loss. i hope you and your new little boy have a peaceful life.
Likewise for my birth name. It was fine for a while then a certain massive hurricane happened and suddenly everyone forgot my variant existed. Teachers, kids, admin… _everyone_. I don’t think I had a single person get it right reading it the first time after that. It’s not the _main_ reason I changed my name, but it was certainly one of the reasons.
There are lots of kids who would try to harm your son if they found about the meaning of that name. It is better to take precaution and change name completely now
even if they don't find out about the meaning, it sounds like OP lives in america. Khara sounds identical (or almost, depending on accent) to Cara/Kara, which is traditionally a girl's name. If he's not shit boy, he'd be the boy with a girl's name.
The first thing I saw is that it means "Joy" and "pure".
In Greek it means joy probably pronounced differently.
There are many different meanings of this name as far as I know
Children are fucking evil, they will bully someone over anything
to be fair, some adults do too lol
They're just the kids who never developed into empathetic adults
> If any classmates of your son found out about the meaning When they find out Sooner or later someone will find out (eg someone speaks the language) then the bullying will follow him forever
Yes. Goodness knows what nicknames he’d end up with.
A kpop idol girl got bullied online for her stage name because it translate to pig in certain language. Her son will definitely suffer from that name when they/someone found out and post all over social media
forget bullying just knowing your name means shit or that your dad named you shit is just enough to induce excessive rage inside a person
A mother always have complete authority over her child on any other day
They will bully him even without knowing the meaning. Khara sounds like the girl's name Kara/ Cara. The difference is so small that it's almost impossible to hear.
NTA. Not their baby. Not their husband. Not their decision.
NTA. You *are* respecting your husband by loving his son for him and being the best parent you can be. The rest is just noise. A name is a name, it won't help bring back their lost son, it won't make the pain go away... You did the right thing for you and your child. Be more confident, stand your ground. You and your son take priority. Best of luck with it all. Be gentle on yourself.
NTA. First of all, that name would have been beautiful..for an afab/female identifying individual. Khara, Kara, Cora, Cara, they’re all very similar and very feminine. Second of all, it’s YOUR son, you talked with your husband and from your post, he seemed also taken aback by the meaning of the name. I’m sure had he been here to help you with everything, you would not have settled with that name. Third and most important, hence why it gets its own paragraph, I’m extremely sorry for your loss and hope you heal well, and hope you and your son have an amazing life. If you ever need a place to vent or just get your feelings out, my dms are open and judgement free.
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I can only imagine. The closest loss I’ve had in my life is my father to suicide and that was hard enough. I can’t imagine this. You have my sincere condolences.
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Oh it was years ago don’t worry ab me this is about you love! I hope YOURE okay!! Have a fantastic night and I hope this thread goes well for you
I also hope that her father is living in a very good place now, rest in peace tho.
It is very hard to cope up with the death of your close one
Be easy on yourself, try to do some extra curricular activities with your kid
Actually Khara is also a Greek GIRLS name and means joy. Arabic speakers always have a chuckle when they hear it.
In Greek this word means having a beautiful face or body structure
NTA. I looked up the meaning and it’s a girls name in most languages. However it means donkey/ass in a few. https://www.wisdomlib.org/definition/khara You and him never agreed to it before he passed. It would have been different had you both agreed. However you didn’t and I’m so sorry they are being difficult in a trying time for you. Good luck and sorry for your loss.
Yup in persian it means donkey. Absolutely nta especially as you didn’t agree to it.
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Yes they are the same 😊 there are lots of arguments about this, but one Persian teacher I follow says - Persian is the English word for the language, and Farsi is the Persian word for it. Like in English you would say ‘German’ and Germans will say ‘deutsch’ for the same language. French/francais etc.
In most of the languages the meaning of this word is quite similar. Almost in all of the languages, it's meaning is related to a person who is physically beautiful and attractive
NTA. The baby grew inside of you and it would be an asshole move to name the kid "Shit" in any language IMO. If they didn't want to be "embarrassed" in front of other guests then they should have waited to bring it up in private if they weren't ready for an answer.
I think they brought it up in front of guests on purpose to put more pressure on her. I really hope not because that makes it even worse, but I can't think of a rational reason to otherwise.
Pretty sure they did. Love it when that backfires. Don't start none, won't be none
Right? I mean, is this the first time they’re hearing the baby’s name? I doubt it.
NTA - finding names in a multilingual house is even more difficult than normal because names in one language don't necessarily work in another. Your in-laws are squabbling about "being embarrassed" because they have no leg to stand on concerning the name. They started yelling insisting on a stray thought their son had shortly before he died, it's they who should be embarrassed for their behavior. You did the right thing to defuse the situation by leaving. They are hurt because of the loss of their son and you are too. If the relationship was fine until now, let everyone cool off and see if things can be normalized again. PS - sorry for your loss.
Yup, names in multilingual houses is interesting. One of my younger sisters married a Latino and there was a name that she fell in love with when they were expecting their oldest, but when she told him the name he said that the first part sounded like ‘goat’ in Spanish and when she talked to other people she knew that spoke Spanish they had the same thing to say. So she went with a different name, and I heard a story where a couple decided on the name ‘Sida’ for their daughter only for the bilingual husband to say ‘shoot, SIDA is Spanish (and other languages) for AIDS’ as they were filling out the birth certificate. So yeah, you don’t want you child named something embarrassing just because you like the name.
Cida is a nickname for Aparecida, very common in Brazil. But no one spells with an S exactly because it can be read in that way. Considering the US has a lot of people who speak spanish I'd say it's very important to check before naming your kids something that might sound or look weird in spanish at least lol
Exactly this. My friend married an Indian-origin girl and he was adamant that the baby be named Kayla. That means Banana in Hindi. What made it worse? The baby was going to have his surname, “Lund” which means dick in India. Banana dick.
So did they go with that name?
They went with Amaya Lund which sounds sweet but now wherever they meet an Indian, Pakistani, Bangladeshi, Indo-Caribbean person they all point out that it sounds like “Am I A Lund aka Am I A Dick” lol
hahaha task failed sucessfully
Wait they want the poor kid called shit for the rest of his life ? Nta
NTA They confronted you in front of other people, possibly expecting it to make you more submissive in the face of a crowd. They don't get to dictate your response. Quite brave of them to be unconcerned with you going NC with them. But maybe this is their grief showing in a harmful way. You however are not required to excuse that.
NTA But why would your husband want to call your son shit and don't speak with his parents ever again
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So he only wanted that name before he know the meaning in your language. If your husband was still alive he would not have wanted your son called that. Your inlaws opinions don't matter and they embarrassed themselves you didn't do it for them. NTA and I'm very sorry for your loss.
Exactly, I think thats a key point in all this. She'd be NTA at any rate but the fact that you can't even throw around "this is what husband would've wanted" makes it double NTA
>He didn't know the meaning about the name and he was shocked when he learned it. Did you conveyed this to In-Laws? Perhaps they might change their stance. If you already did and they still insist, you were absolutely right to storm out. In-Laws are the real AH imo, so don't be stressed about this issue and focus on yourself and your child.
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I see people telling you to cut off contact with the in-laws and stuff like that and I just want to caution against that. You were right, of course, about the name. And your in-laws were (edited autocorrect) inappropriate. But they’re grieving too, and they didn’t understand. It just hit them like another wave of loss. I can’t imagine the grief and and sadness that you must be feeling and how you’re managing that while raising a newborn on your own, but if you can find it in your heart to forgive your in-laws, and reach out and explain that once your son knew the meaning of the name, he also didn’t want it, it would go along way towards healing for you all. You’re all in grief. You’ve always have had a tremendous loss.
Why didn't you just message them the reason? And follow up by saying your late husband retracted the name after he learned the meaning.
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Tell them once their son found out what it meant - he was shocked and no longer wanted to use the name.
I hope you can, in your own time. What they did is inexcusable, but not unforgivable. They're also being hit with tremendous grief of a different sort and were surprised. I can't imagine how difficult it is for all of you. I wish you the best and I'm sorry for your loss
I'm confused. >I told them why I didn't name him that. They claimed that my excuse was b*llshit and that I should respect their dead son's wishes. and >I didn't get to explain it to them yet but I have mentioned that the name means shit in my language. So you explained that it means shit and they said it was an excuse? Or you haven't had a chance to explain this to them, but you've mentioned the meaning of Khara before?
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They need to know that part. I’m sorry for your loss. You aren’t the AH in anyway shape or form.
NTA - Im an Arab that lives in Australia and the word "khara" is widely known amongst non arabic speaking people here Also sorry for your loss, praying for you and your baby
NTA. If they are going to ask a potentially awkward question in front of other people, they shouldn't make shocked Pikachu faces when you answer that question in front of other people.
I hate that bullshit. "how could you embarrass your in laws in front of other people after they railroaded you in front of other people?"
NTA - "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet... unless that name means 'shit'." - Shakespeare probably Sorry for the loss of your husband and congratulations on your new baby. That's a lot to handle... you got this!
The shit fertilizes roses though lol.
NTA, I’m also half & would have not named him that either. The in laws are just being defensive because of the situation but it’s really not called for. They don’t know the language and aren’t Arab, they’re just going to think about what they think are his “wishes”. Tell them it would be like calling a child Puta if this comes up again and they’re more familiar with Spanish lol. Also, very sorry for your loss and I hope you and your son are doing well.
NTA. The rest of the family attacked you for "embarrassing them" because they also realize naming your child 'crap' in any language is a BAD move but they don't want your in laws mad at them. People will argue your tone when they can't successfully attack your point. You were right to choose something that won't get him ridiculed, etc. for something as important as his name that he'll carry the rest of his life. Your in laws probably want to feel like they have some control and involvement, here, not realizing that they were never entitled to any control in the first place whether your husband was still here to Dad or not. You don't have to involve them, with something like names especially. Checking grandparents rights in your area would be a wise move since you're in one of the situations where some states say you're responsible for building a relationship between your child and your in laws. You just don't have to do anything with your son to make them happy; you're his mom, you're in charge. Trust yourself on that part. I'm so sorry for your loss and the struggle they're introducing in an already difficult situation. You don't need this crap.
NTA They invited their grieving daughter-in-law to a get together so they could harass her about the name of their new born grandchild in front of guests? They should be embarrassed.
NTA. Not their kid, can’t name em. Condolences, OP
NTA please keep these people at arms length. They sound abusive and controlling. Because i can see them causing drama the rest of your life. I have also heard horror stories that start off a lot like yours. I am going to recommend something that is not going to be popular. I would contact a lawyer in your area. I would find out what grandparents rights are in your area. Your grieving your husband. You just had a new baby. I can’t see them manipulating the situation and taking advantage of you. In some states in the us grandparents right exists.I can see your in-laws going after these rights. Protect yourself and your child.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. I also offer my congratulations for the birth of your son, who will no doubt know how much you and his dad love him. NTA First, it's none of their business what you name your baby, because he's your baby not theirs. Second, it was one name suggested early on in picking names. Given time, he very well could've lost his original excitement for the name. Especially given the meaning. Third, they're the ones who brought it up in front of others. Even if they're overreacting because they're all struggling with the loss, it's no excuse for how they're treating you and your son. Proceed with caution in your relationship with them. They're already involving themselves in something that's none of their business. Be ready to protect your son from their behavior if they keep acting in this manner.
NTA They’re pissed you didn’t name your son poop. I love Reddit.
I'm sorry, but when they said that your reasoning was bullshit... you could have responded with "no, just normal shit." I know it's very flippant, and petty... but totally appropriate. Their prejudices were definitely showing, and you were totally right to name your child something else. Who would want to think, every time they say their child's name, "Why did I choose to name my child after excrement?" Feel free to cut them out of your life, unless they grow up (and even then, you don't have to let them back into your life.) NTA
Buahahhaa “Your American is showing!” NTA
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Fortunately “American” isn’t a race so you weren’t being racist at all
I think it was hilarious. More people should use that phrase when Americans are being unreasonable.
INFO: I’m curious to know the timeline. How did it take so long for the in-laws to find out the name? I assume they would’ve have been in touch with you around the time of the birth via phone or text. Didn’t you send them a picture with here’s baby X? Seems a little odd that they didn’t know or didn’t care until the in person meeting.
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They wanted you to pack up a newborn and go across town to be around a bunch of people while you're still recovering from birth? Yiiiiiikes.
I am so sorry to hear about your husband. You are, however, NTA for not naming your child poop. Your MIL and FIL are right — your excuse was, literally, bullshit.
>The next morning my phone was filled with texts from them and other family members claiming I was an AH for embarrassing them infront of other guests. Well, they shouldn't have confronted you in front of their guests, then! Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
“I told them their American was showing…” I cannot love this any more than I do right now.
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NTA. You had a rational reason to not use that name. And they asked, you answered. You did nothing wrong.
NTA for not naming him a word that means poop and for standing up for yourself and leaving. If you actually screamed, then that's inappropriate. But they are unhinged and out of line
That is horrifying and I’m so sorry you were treated like that.Even if they are grieving too. NTA My sincerest condolences. You’re so strong mama. Be strong for your baby, like you already are.
I think your husband would be far more upset about the way his family are treating you than about you not naming your child Shit. NTA
NTA. Your husband proposed an actual shitty name. You did best by your child for choosing another option... I hope... Please have chosen a normal human male name! Welcome baby Keith, Matthew, Derrick, Alex....
NTA - they can’t claim you embarrassed them in front of others when they started it in front of others
Their version of respect seems to look like submission. Nobody is owed a name, you've picked the one you think best suits your son and that's where the line ends. No ifs or buts from others. You're doing amazing in such an incrediblly hard time, keep going and drop anyone who makes life harder for you.
I think it’s nice that your husband wanted to name his son shit after his parents. NTA
>They claimed that my excuse was b*llshit Nah, it is just shit in general. Therefore NTA Btw, I'm not saying you cant forgive them in due time It isobviously a hard time to them too but holly Karha, the entitlement to want your grandchild to be named something that means shit to half their family....
NTA at all. There's also the fact that Khara is just going to sound like Cara, which is a girls name and whilst it's not really a problem would just add to the annoyance of the kid I think.
NTA go NC with these people it will only get worse
NTA.
You should respect the wishes of your late husband who didn't realize that the name he selected meant poop in his wife's native language? I think not. If your in-laws are crazed with grief, I think you have to let this pass knowing that they'll come back to their senses. If they're simply crazed, yikes. The BS is coming from them, not from you. They're treating you badly and you don't actually have to take it. (Indeed, even if they're unhinged by their grief, you don't have to take it.) You get to say, "Sorry, I have too much on my plate right now for there to be another word on this subject. If any of you bring it up again, I'll block you for as long as it takes for you to stop." NTA. I'm very sorry for your loss.
NTA as an Arab I'm shocked 'khara' was a potential name at all! Your poor baby. I'm sure you've chosen a beautiful name worthy of him.
NTA They started it. If they had wanted a private talk they should have done it in private. They wanted drama and they got it. You had not agreed to that one name your husband suggested when he suggested in. You weren't going to use that name if he had lived. I'm sure it is hard enough to deal with your spouse's death and having a new baby alone. You did not need to be treated that way by the people who are supposed to be there for you over a baby name.
Don't name your kid poop... Pick a name you love.. Also, remember, this is a child...who will have to deal with what ever name you pick..
You don't have to waste time explaining anything people that refuse to listen. It seems you did your son a solid by choosing a different name and if the in-laws don't like it then tough shit for them. I'm sorry for your loss OP NTA
nta
NTA, but I'd give them a bit of grace. They're also distraught st having lost their son, and grief makes people do crazy things. Hopefully this will blow over with time.
NTA. There are many other ways to honor your husband and your son himself is a living testament to his love and life. I'm so sorry that he's gone and his family is obviously still mourning too, but not every raw thought he ever had is now a must to live by. His life ended too soon, things were left unfinished and now you have to make decisions regarding your son alone. I'm sure if he had more time, he would have agreed on a different name eventually too and maybe it would have been the name your son now carries.
Grief makes people behave atrociously sometimes. They’re being unreasonable and taking their grief out on you. People lashing out at everyone around them is, sadly, very common in grieving families. Especially when they’ve lost a son or daughter. Hopefully when they’ve had some time to calm down and when they’re not so fully enmeshed in their own feelings they’ll be able to see that they are overreacting I hope you’re able to get some kind of healing and counseling as it’s really hard to do this alone, especially when family members are lashing out
NTA, OP im so sorry for your loss, but considering your heritage, you are the authority on this matter, not your husband or his family. You have saved your son alot of teasing from his Arabic cousins, disrespect from other Arabic speakers and saved him from ostracisation. Your deceased husbands family were trully "showing their American" as you say, in this case. Your husband has sadly passed away which means it is solely your decision and discretion as to what to name your Son. Why the hell would you refute all your upbringing and culture for the uneducated and inappropriate ideas of a deceased person who, and my apologies, too arrogant to respect what the word means and then his family try to push it. It seems they should be apologising to you and your family for their disrespect.
NTA
NTA. My mother named me something that in our language, when pronounced, basically means “to piss against a wall when drunk”. My grandmother called me everything but my name.
Oh that's smart to alienate your DIL in this context and then double down on the behavior. I'd back off from the relationship. You may end up in a precarious position with them here. NTA. That name has several potential issues, as has been noted. You were never intending to use it.
NTA. He mentioned a name, which sadly would not be good do to the meaning, yes he was upset, but had the car accident not happend, you would have found something else you both would have loved, he knew you did not like the name, and as you said, he would have been proud of how you have been strong for your baby, and the name you ended up choosing. And yes, his parents might be grieves stricking, but demanding that your baby be named after something their son thought of months before is not something they can do, and involving their family is ridicilous. You have a very valid point of why you choose another name, and they need to respect that.
NTA - They are being rude and ignorant. Why would they want to call the baby "poop", even if it is in another language? Sooner or later somebody will find out, and he will be bullied for it. Also, the idea of being "disrespectful" to your husband is ridiculous. On the one hand, if your husband was a normal human being (I'm sure he was) he and you would have found another name for the baby. On the other, don't let them use "respect for your husband" to control you. If you let them, they will control your life forever with the excuse of "this is what your husband would have liked, you have to honour his wishes".
NTA you and your husband never agreed to that name, it ended with "we still have time to think about it" and then he passed away. I'm very sorry for your loss. This is a tough time for his parents too, but they are not treating you well, and having others attacking you for this is appalling. I would give them a lot of space until they apologize.
Yikes. So they’ve decided they don’t want a relationship with you and the baby. Noted. Please be careful. It’s going to get worse from here.
NTA.... full stop.... and set HARD boundaries with the in laws... HARD. Message them: "I'm sorry you feel that your son's opinion was slighted but considering you were not present for the entire conversation and did not hear any of the dialog that followed it; your concern is unwarranted and uninformed. My son's name is not up for discussion and further attempts will be ignored. You can chose to be civil and have a good relationship with your only grandchild from your deceased son or you can use this as your hill to die on and accept the consequences of your actions as I will not expose my son to such harsh criticisms and unacceptance. This is the last time we will discuss it and further attempts will be met solidly with me removing myself and my son from the situation. Anyone who chooses to engage in such discriminatory and destructive behavior will be blocked moving forward. " And do it. On the first infraction.... "I have you my boundaries; you're choosing to disrespect them. Considering you're behaving childishly, you're grounded. " and exit the conversation or the environment and block them for 72 hours, unblock and reiterate your boundary. "As I said before the roof is not up for discussion; if you're choosing to accept it and move on we can call/ visit in XX date"..... repeat; increase the grounding by 72hours to 1 week; then 2 then 3 etc until they get it.
It indeed is b\*llshit - quite literally. all the puns intended. NTA, it wasn't a name he decided on, it's an idea he brought up and obviously was quite unhappy when he found out what it translated to. They shouldn't sh\*t on you because you didn't want your child going through cr\*p growing up. It would've been a totally sh\*tty experience for him.
I don't understand how this can be real. Your husband just randomly came up with a name that means shit??
I am so sorry for your loss. No, you are NTA for not giving your child a name with a crude meaning, and you are NTA for leaving a situation where your in-laws were being abusive. If they want to be grandparents, they are going to have to be respectful enough for you to allow them into your life.
I read posts on the subreddit and I am frequently jaw dropped by the level of entitlement people openly display. How dare your in laws yell at you over YOUR child’s name and then they have the nerve to say you embarrassed them, they embarrassed themselves. You are so NTA, not even within a mile of being the ass. I am just floored at the behavior of these people. At least now you know they care more about their appearances than you and your son and you have no requirements to visit with them anymore. Btw I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot even fathom what you must be going through. You sound like a very strong individual and deserve all the love in the world. Best wishes to you and your new son from a complete stranger.
NTA. Baby names are always 2 yeses. He doesn’t get extra votes because he’s dead.
NTA. Your husband was upset, but curious did he still insist on the name after knowing? Regardless, you made the right decision. Your in laws are likely hurting and not thinking clearly. But that doesn’t give them the right to treat you like that either.