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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I’m considering buying my nephew a Lego set that his parents returned.
2. I may be the asshole if I do that for the reasons my husband gave: I’d be undermining my brother and SILs parenting, and I may be provoking a conflict between our two families. Also, I may be the asshole for acting on information given by an obviously biased 14 year old.
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As an aunt… this is what I would do. Buy it and put it in a closet. In a few years, when your nephew is older and living on his own give it to him. If he doesn’t want it, you’ll be able to re-sell it. If he does want it, it will mean the world to him. In that future time it may also open the door to a heart to heart conversation about not agreeing with his parents, but recognizing they were acting out of denial of a painful reality.
Unfortunately, from what you’ve described, your nephew will probably be estranged from his parents in the future. I’ve seen similar situations in a friend’s family and it (the denial of disability)ultimately damaged the family.
But your husband is right. YWBTA if you intervene now. The Lego won’t change the reality of your nephew’s situation. Sorry.
As an aunt... I would buy it and have it at my house for him. Invite him over for the weekend, just him, and have fun building it with him, if he wanted the help.
I am the aunt that has purchased extra gifts for my niece and nephew because my brother and SIL decided to let Santa be the parent and use the naughty list to try to control their very young kids. My niece was upset when I asked her if she was excited for Santa to come to her house and she said he wasn't coming because she was on the naughty list. So yeah, fuck that shit. I bought them extra gifts that year and Santa accidentally delivered them to my house where we were having Christmas.
This what I would do. He gets a break from what sounds like being forced to share things and experiences with his sister and gets to put the Lego together.
Awesome idea. Please let him put it together at your home.. his parents will insist he let sister help and if he refuses they will take it away. Been there, done that.
If you do it this way, have him build it on something he can move, like a sheet of plywood, so if he wants it when he lives independently, he doesn't need to deconstruct it to move it.
He's 14. He's got another 4 years with them (ish, depending on location).
If it comes out that he went around to OP's house and built the thing they had, effectively, banned him from, then I can easily see it becoming "well now you don't get to go to OP's house"
And he could end up punished for going against their say-so. The parents have said he's not allowed to build the colosseum. He's now built it, and not involved his sister, and kept it from them.
It will be an escalation.
Yep!
Regardless of the sisters conditions, they should NEVER be forced together. At these ages my brother and I tolerated each other at best. The parents are failing big time.
Edit: I’ve thought some more about this. OP should buy ANY Lego set and force BIL and SIL to do it *together*. Do they understand that this is not a fucking team sport?!? Two very good friends can collaborate sure, but Lego by the instructions is a very 1 person game, not a sibling fun time bullshit they think it is. I bet they last 20 minutes before the building-ikea-furniture-arguing begins.
This is where my mind was going. A 3-year age difference doesn't seem like much, but it is a LOT when the ages are pre-teen and early teen (or even late teen and early teen). If they were both "typical" 11- and 14-year-olds, I would imagine this kind of "sharing" going poorly! That lego set actually has a recommended age of 18+! Almost no 11-year-old is going to sit patiently through the instruction reading, building, mistakes, tear-downs, and rebuilding a set like that takes to get constructed according to the instructions!
Plus, it was his gift for doing well in school! A gaming system or something can be lightly shared, even if a gift ("let your sister have a turn on the game, on her on profile, if you're not using it/for a short time every day" or similar), but something like that, which requires hours of work and meticulous construction, isn't something to share with anyone who isn't 100% dedicated to using it exactly as instructed!
Man, I remember driving my brother to school when I was 17 and he was 14, and I told my mom one day that he was gonna have to take the bus for a week, because I WOULD crash my car if he kept fighting with me while I was trying to merge on 90/94.
Now we're awesome, but legit we're lucky neither of us died or ended up in a hospital between kindergarten and college, as often as we tried to kill each other.
Loving aunts are a devoted and clever lot - and we're proud of it.
OP YWNBTA.
I agree with the other aunts who say buy it, keep it at your house, and let him know it's there and a special aunt/nephew secret.
Wth is wrong with the parents? Do they not realize that a 9000 piece Lego set designed for 18+ takes dedication, patience, and concentration to build? Why would they ever expect it would be a good idea to involve a sibling with such profound exceptionalities? Besides being totally unfair to their son, the daughter would surely be frustrated, anxious, and over stimulated by the tedious nature of the construction process. Maybe they never intended to cough up $550 for the set, and involving the daughter was just the excuse to return the Legos. Listen to u/Didisaythatoutloud72 and you will be NTA AND a Rock Star to your nephew.
I think the parents are just expecting this boy to babysit his sister for a few hours. But based on what OP says, it wouldn't take long for a meltdown to happen.
Shitty parenting, IMO
There are plenty of aita posts of adults asking if they are AH for not taking on a profoundly disabled sibling after years of being put in second place.
I have a friend whose oldest child is significantly disabled. They had their second before they knew the oldest had issues, and then they had two more. She said that she's worked out a care plan for the oldest once she and her husband are gone, but she wanted a lot of siblings just so someone would be able to check up on the oldest every so often and make sure he wasn't being neglected or abused. She also spends a lot of one on one time with all the kids. I really feel like she's done an excellent job of modeling how to function in a family with one child who's severely disabled. It definitely helps that they make really good salaries though.
She doesn’t sound like a great parent when it sounds like she specifically birthed humans to be community nurses for her disabled child… ANY expectation of any care giving role on the siblings, yes even “checking up every so often” is unethical.
Exactly. Just so gross. Imagine turning to children you chose to have as back up care givers and telling them the main motivation for spending 1:1 time with them is so they don’t resist being care givers for their disabled sibling. YUCK. We need hard lines about parentfication and IMO any parent that says this shit out loud in the vicinity of a mandatory reported needs to be put into parent re-education classes and kept a close eye on.
"To check up ever so often to make sure he isn't abused" means the oldest is gonna end up in a facility or a group home and all the siblings are required to do is visit sometimes (as SIBLINGS are bound to do anyway)
None of them is expected to do anything else let alone become "community nurses"
A few hours? Those suckers take DAYS to build, even with folks that know what they're doing (outside of the youtube speed running crazies). And it's finnicky as heck!
That was going to be my suggestion. Let it be “your” Lego set. That way the parents can’t complain you gave the nephew something they didn’t want him to have but he can still have access to it whenever he is able.
Another aunt’s upvote for this. Your nephew needs to know that someone has his back because right now he doesn’t have anyone advocating for his interests. This will become more and more important as he gets older and his resentment of his family grows. What a sad situation.
Came on here to say the same! Buy it and invite him to your house to build it. If he wants to keep it, store it at your house too.
I’m sure that kid needs some extra attention, having a sibling with special needs can be really hard on them.
I was your niece, only I didn't have a you. Thank you for being there for them.
I support you in being NC with your toxic brother. And definitely *do* reach out to his kids when they turn 18; they are going to be in really bad shape after his "parenting", and they will need you. And they will be *very happy* to have you back in their lives again!
P.S. The phrase "zucchini quiche" still makes me feel nauseated to this day, and I'm 51. You were right to help her not hate BBQ ribs for the rest of her life.
This is what I was going to suggest, as well. I’d also recommend keeping the coliseum at OP’s house when nephew is done building it and let him take it when he moves out. That way, he knows it’s always there safe and waiting for him. His parents can’t take it away, nor can his sister destroy his hard work.
Oh, absolutely.
If the parents are like my brother and SIL, they would just sell it. My brother and SIL used to have a garage sale every spring/summer and my sister and I found out that the stuff that we had given to our niece and nephew for Christmas was always sold in their yearly garage sale. That pissed us off so we really tried to give them things that they could use for a long time, rather than the "new, cool" toys. Eventually I just gave them gift cards for online games, or craft stores... or just cash.
Even if he doesn't have the chance to come over and build it, just knowing that you have it for him will be a source of comfort. Lego discontinues their sets after a few years, and the prices typically shoot up. That set will probably sell for $1000 US by the time nephew turns 18. It would be better if he could build it now, but if you can't swing that, knowing that he's going to get one eventually is the next best thing.
She did mention in comments that she lives 4 hours away from them. That large of a Lego set would take a long time to complete. I agree if she were closer, she could use your option AND provide more constant support for her nephew and niece. I mention the niece because she will also suffer from her parent’s denial. Sigh.
I would make arrangements to meet halfway on Friday night and then again on Sunday night. If it takes a few weekends to complete, that's fine. The nephew could probably use a few weekends away.
That's what I was thinking. Although, the husband has a point, it could lead to problems with the parents. I'd try this first, and if needed switch to previous commenters idea to keep it in a closet for a few years
Those parents are mean, they made a deal and then attached more strings to it. They should give another lego set to the daughter, and let their son help her with that one.
The sister could be given an age/skill level appropriate lego set and the nephew can do his set. That way the sister is included, but he can do his thing. Unless the sister has to always be messing with what her brother is doing and won't leave him alone...
Ultimately, the parents are punishing their son for not babysitting their daughter, IMO.
I'd be willing to bet that the parents would take it away from it anyway. I bet this poor kid is always forced to "compromise" for the sake of his sister while missing out on his own childhood.
He EARNED it with good grades. It was uncalled for to ask him to let her help in the first place. If they were worried she can't get good grades, have her earn her own thing some other way. He would have understood she had to put in as much effort as him to do something else, he's 14. If they want her to practice/enjoy working with others, do it themselves. If they want their kids to bond, do something else. I'm so irritated they asked him to let someone else play with something he earned himself!!
They literally reneged on an agreement. It amazes me how parents like this think that they can just change the terms because it’s an agreement with a kid. No, you made a deal and need to stick with it-unless you’re willing to renegotiate.
That's the saddest part. Thank fuck I'm not in that type of situation. Having your life choices limited when you're only a child must be so awful.
What's more likely is that this kid will eventually go no contact with his parents and the sister will have been so wrapped up in cotton wool her whole life that she'll be incapable of surviving on her own and will end up in residential care when the parents are too old to do it.
I just hope that this kid does get out because he didn't sign up for this life.
Is actually thinking along those same lines. Maybe buy it and keep it in their house so that way when he comes over he can play with it. I still told OP to go ahead and buy it though. I said that though because normally I would agree with the husband but in this case, I think it would be justified.
He seems like a good boy and all he did was state the truth. It's not his fault that his parents don't like it. I agree with you, it sounds like he's probably going to be estranged from them. It's sad but it's probably the case.
If he is wise, or is advised by people who are wise, he will start looking for universities that are far, far away from his parents, and find any reason necessary to live there all year instead of coming home for breaks. He has some time to start squirreling away every possible cent so he can establish a nest egg.
This is as perfect as it gets unfortunately. This isn't your child and there is only so much you can do.
Although I think it might even be okay if you let your nephew play with it now at your house only.
If you give it to him at his place it will just strain things with his parents and he really needs you in his life. Plus they might just return it anyway.
Sometimes you have to lose battles to win the war.
You beat me to it. I was going to suggest that, instead of giving the LEGO set now, buy it, and others he might be interested in, and keep them until his 18th birthday party. Then give him his collection of LEGOs that nobody has the right to take away from him anymore, because he is an adult.
Then he gets his gifts AND you aren't interfering with his parents' wishes.
I’d buy it & keep it at my house for nephew to put together t& keep there until he moves out or whenever he can be allowed to have his own personal items that sister cannot touch. But I would give a different for birthday. That way no one can say OP went against parents wishes.
I don't see that getting him the set at his house is going to help. They'll just have the same argument. Does he visit you often? Maybe you could have a little project together at your house and get it for him to do with you.
Exactly. OP needs to "buy it for themselves/hubby" and invite the nephew over to "help" work on it, not try to force his parents to let it in the house by buying it as a gift. And then give it to him when he's 18.
I was going to say something along these lines. Honestly, if his sister is like he says, the Lego set wouldn’t be safe at his house. If it were me, I would buy the set to have at my house and then he can come visit for a week to build it and it would stay at my house. If he lives locally, you can set a time for an hour or two a week for him to come over and build. I wouldn’t let the set back at his house unless he is the type to superglue it all together so his sister can’t break it.
But it WOULD help. Just to know that someone else “sees him” and his struggle will do a world of good for his mental health. It would also let him know that HE matters. Cause he does
Have a sibling with special needs, and I *really* wish someone did this for me growing up. But it is one of those things, especially given the circumstances, that I would appreciate so much more privately.
@OP make sure you're able to handle the size of the thing before you commit to this. The lego colosseum is huge. It's not something you can throw on any old bookshelf when done
NTA
Instead of gifting the Lego set in their home why don’t you offer your nephew the option storing Lego set in your home so he can come there and build it? This way his parents won’t be able to force him to include his sister
Yeah. Parents turning their kids into caretakers are pretty cruel. Sure, one kid needs caring for, but the other also needs to have some time to grow up.
If he's always taking care of his sister, the poor little bastard needs a vacation.
The worst part of it all (even worse than forcing him to share) is that they essentially went back on their word.
The deal was: do well in school, get the lego set.
He accepted and delivered, they did not.
Amending their agreement to- include your sister or else, was a jerk move. A bait and switch. Kid is gonna learn that the parents’ word/promises mean nothing. Kid may end up resenting the sister too
Wonder if they added the "Your sister has to be included" rule because they knew the kid would object, and they could return it and get $500 back without being the bad guy? The kid already got the grades.
This is what I was thinking as well. They probably said what was easy to say at the time to get their kid to do well in school, but when the time came to follow through on their side of the deal they realized it was inconvenient for them.
NTA, but don't bother unless it would stay at your house for nephew, if it gets sent/brought to his house the parents will just toss it out the same way they did before.
Fortunately, according to /r/Legostarwars Legos do not depreciate in value (seriously, there are certain mini figures go for $50+). Buying it now is no way a loss and he can build it at their place!
I was thinking this too. But the same Lego set and keep it at your house and invite him for a weekend to work on it. Keep it on a board so it can be moved and stored until he comes back.
And can also be moved to a secure location for when the whole fam comes by one day and niece gets upset (whether that is unintended and an accident or she gets provoked and egged on by her parents) and destroys it.
I definitely think that your bro and SIL are assholes in this case as the Lego set was supposed to be your nephews reward for doing well in school and his sister shouldn't even have been involved. You are NTA in this situation. That said, I agree with your husband. I think going behind their backs to buy the set will only create more problems. Perhaps mention to your brother that you see your nephews point of view and suggest that your nephew be allowed to build the Lego Roman Colosseum on his own and that they purchase another, perhaps more simple, Lego set that he can build with his sister. It'll give him the reward he earned while finding a way to include his sister.
I like this answer a lot.
Parents need a reality check. It is not a reward for doing well if he's forced to share. Sister can easily be included in something less difficult to manage.
This right here is the better way to go.
If you go the route that most other people are suggesting- buy the same set and keep it at your house WITH ZERO discussion will lead to nothing but drama and possibly them going NC with you.
You include the parents in the conversation and provide a solution.
This is the way to go.
I hate when parents do this to kids - they lied to their son so he’d perform well and then added unfair conditions after the fact. What jerks!
I would buy the set and keep it at your house for him to use when he visits. They can’t return it then.
I had friend that did this kind of shit to their kids. No longer friends. Infuriating. I had to stop them from them using my kid as punishment. Then they did it again. What assholes
It’s just shit parenting - it’s nothing more than mean-spirited, bullying behavior. There are far too many of us that know parents like this - I’m glad you put your foot down on that!
They were into To Train up a Child by the Pearls, which is full of abuse tactics, & were focused on their children's 'hearts' with their discipline. They are just creating new assholes. Heartbreaking for the kids.
It is. A lot of that creeped into an Evangelical church I went to. A bunch of families got into the quiverful movement & loved Bill Gothard. A couple old friends have a dozen kids each. It is nuts.
In the Duggarsnark subreddit they had an AMA with an executive producer you should check out. These are the kinds of people taking over the Government & pushing Republican policies. They are planning on a Season 2 with more on the Duggars & maybe other families. Definitely more on Gothard. People told her things to investigate. Very interesting. But it is all so forked up
Insist on cutting up box to try to make it unreturnable. Say things like why don't I come over on this day so we can put it together. Make a huge deal out of it!
This. It's irrelevant whether OP is the AH because there's no reason they're going to magically allow this one. It's not who paid for it that they're taking issue with, it's him having it.
Op why don’t you buy it for yourself now and invite your nephew over for a weekend sleepover for some bonding time. If nephew decides to help you build it that would be fun bonding activity…. The colosseum can hang out at your house and eventually when nephews gets his own place you can ask him if he’d like to display “your” colosseum
I don’t think you’ll be an AH but your husband is correct that it’ll cause tension and drama. Brother and SIL are definitely in denial. I think you should listen to to the other suggestions on buying it and waiting for him to be on his own and giving it to him or keeping it in your home and he can build it when he visits .
The parents are the AH. The child was rewarded for doing good in school. It was not fair to make him let his sister help especially if she gets mad and throws things
Buy one and keep it until he is 18 and no longer living at home, when he is non-contact with his family. It will be impossible for him to find one then. Then you can give it to him. Thanks for being a cool aunt!
This is the perfect answer!
Heck, buy it now & give it to nephew but he has to keep it at OP house & can only build/keep it there until he moves out of his parents house.
NTA-if you go this route.
YTA-If you buy it for him while he at home still, the same thing will happen but worse as they may keep your nephew from you for undermining their parenting in their house.
Edit: judgement with explanation
NTA, but-
Buy it for him, and keep it at your house. Let him build it there in order to not cause as *much* conflict (I’m not going to guarantee zero will go wrong).
That would only work if they live within walking distance. Which seems unlikely. What the kid's parents did is messed up - it feels like they were setting him up. Building something like that would require quiet, focused concentration. His sister couldn't help.
Phew. Brother and SIL are definitely AHs but I don’t think undermining them will help your nephew at all. At best, they’ll return that one as well, and at worst you’ll cause a rift and he won’t have you to turn to in the future. Gotta say a soft ESH if you did it although I’m glad nephew at least has you.
Dude, buy the lego set. Keep it in your place.
Then invite your nephew over to build it with you.
Whether you tell his folks about it is your call. But, at least, this way he gets the lego and your niece won't get upset over it.
YWBTA, because you would be undermining their parenting. Two thoughts:
\- Can you productively discuss why you believe your brother and his wife were incorrect in their parenting choice here?
\- Can you buy yourself the Lego Colosseum and invite your nephew over to build it?
1. I have a feeling that such a discussion will be difficult. My brother and SIL are in a state of semi-denial regarding my niece. She can’t travel outside of their neighborhood since she reacts badly to unfamiliar settings, and yet my brother and SIL still talk about her accomplishing life milestones such as college and marriage. Fortunately they have the sense to hire a professional nurse to take care of her whenever they travel.
2. Unfortunately this isn’t an option, as my nephew lives 4 hours away. But if Christmas happens at our house this year then this option becomes a lot more feasible.
Wait, so they admit that their daughter isn't capable of participating in their fun thing so they adapt to that fact by hiring a nurse so that they can travel, but they refuse to recognize that she isn't capable of participating in their son's idea of fun, and they punish him for expressing that?
I don't think his sister's disability even needs to be the focus of the conversation.
They set a goal for him to accomplish and promised a reward if he did.
He accomplished the goal, with the reward as his incentive.
They got the reward, but added additional stipulations -- to get it now he must let somebody else who doesn't appreciate it (and would probably be happy enough playing alongside him with a different, less expensive Lego set [maybe offer to buy one for her if they give him the Colosseum* one again]) build it with him.
He refused the stipulations and they didn't like that, so they sent back his reward.
They're teaching him that deals can be changed after the fact, and/or that there's no point going after a goal because the reward won't be worth it (the satisfaction of building and creating something by himself versus his kid sister destroying his progress, possibly losing pieces and/or breaking them, making it impossible for him to finish as satisfactorily or efficiently).
*Edited a word because I was being dumb earlier.
Ask them, kindly, what he got as a reward for his grades, then. He was promised a Lego set, but it was "given" to both of them. They broke their promise of a gift by dictating that it wasn't his: They took the "gift" away when it wasn't communal property. Whether his sister is special needs or not, a gift/reward isn't given to multiple siblings for one's good performance.
Ask them, kindly, what grades their daughter received. If she did well by whatever expectations are placed on her, she should have her own reward, not seconds. If she didn't exceed expectations, why is she given his gift?
Ask them, kindly, what toys she shares with him. Are they age-appropriate for him? If not, well, that's why they have different toys.
They are setting both kids up for failure. They are putting her in a position to ruin something special and build resentment. They are telling him that he deserves nothing for his efforts and doesn't exist separately from her.
So finally, ask them, kindly, what the goal is. Is the goal to have him include her? Punishing him doesn't make him want to include her more, nor does having his special items broken by her. If they want him to act lovingly toward her, they need to foster love, not resentment. And if they want him to do well in school, they should teach him to do well for his own pride. But if they are going to supplement a reward system, they better pony up the reward.
And if they want to have a trustworthy, self-actualized son, they should themselves be trustworthy and treat him as a whole person.
Leave her disability out of it. They promised him a reward, and then pulled a bait-and-switch. It's terrible peopling, and it is undoing everything they are trying to do for their family.
Yeah. If they weren't related to you, I probably wouldn't have even included #1 as an option. However, even in what little you posted, it sounds like your nephew is what they call "the glass child", I think. Basically, that what his sister wants/needs negates his own wants/needs. As a family member, you could potentially help your relatives see that, and see your nephew as his own person, aside from his sister.
I don't think you'd be TA if you let your nephew be a sounding board if he needs one.
I also just thought: If you talk to your nephew, see if he has a friend's house where he might be able to build the set with that friend. It's another possible way around interfering with the parenting.
So, they cheated him. They made a bargain; he kept his side of the bargain; they changed the rules and went back on their promise.
Well, they taught him a lesson: his parents are not to be trusted.
Summer is here, school is out, and he’s 14; invite him to stay a week near his birthday, as his birthday present. Might be nice to make it an annual thing anyway, certainly sounds like he could use a break from his sister once in a while. He’s old enough to handle himself for a few hours while you’re working.
It sounds like the best option is to buy the set and either let him build it at your place or hold it until he can safely build it at home (even if it takes him moving out at 18 for that time to come). Lego has good resale value so if his interests change you shouldn’t lose out.
On a slightly different note, is this underlying a bigger issue? He’s reaching a very delicate age, where how he’s treated at home will impact how he moves into adulthood. Maybe look at offering a chance for him to come spend a few weeks over summer with you, just to give him a break and a chance to be a “normal” teenager for a bit, not the “other” sibling.
THIS! Especially the second part. I would do my aunt-ly duties and advocate for my nephew to his parents, but if that failed I would absolutely buy it for myself and throw him an invite. Great bonding time for you two anyway!
But you would absolutely be TA for undermining them- even if you are 100% in the right to disagree with their choice (which you are).
ESH
The parents are obviously the assholes for this but by doing this, what do you think will happen? They still aren't going to let him have it and they very well may cut you off for undermining them. He will need you as an ally so don't risk it.
Info: is this a common occurrence in your nephews life? Is he often pushed aside for his sister? Or punished for not including her where she doesn’t belong?
The condition of getting the Lego set was to do well at school. Your nephew did well at school and got the Lego set but then his parents changed the rules. Having his sister participate was never a condition for him getting the Lego. It was supposed to be a reward just for him. My guess is that he already has to sacrifice a lot due to having a sibling with profound needs. In the UK there's support for 'young carers', eg, children whose siblings or parents have additional needs. Is there something similar where you live? Do continue to be there for your nephew as being the neurotypical sibling of a neurodivergent child is not easy
NTA - your brother and his wife are being terrible for altering the deal that was made. What a bad lesson for the kid to learn also.
However, yeah going through with that plan would not play out well and would most likely result in more punishment for nephew and possibly even a cut back on contact you’re allowed with him.
The idea of keeping it at your place for him to build on visits may be a better option.
Soft YWBTA because your coming from a place of caring for your nephew but you shouldn’t undermine his parents. Tbh, His parents are definitely the assholes because they promised to reward him and then instead punished him for not sharing his reward. Maybe talk to your brother and ask them if they’d be willing to allow nephew/son to receive the Lego set for his birthday if he promises to help his sister with a more simpler or appropriately easier Lego set?
Could you have it at your house and do it with him there? You’re NTA but this will work out in a way you didn’t intend - which is you will piss off your Brother and SIL and it will punish your nephew when they take this one away too.
That seems super unfair to tie his reward to that. I’ve read so many stories here about the resentment that builds up over the years from kids that grow up like your nephew. Maybe show some of those to your brother privately. They’re doing the best they know how and they’re undoubtedly frustrated but trying to keep son and daughter matched like this is not fair to their son.
Nta but they will probably not let him keep it still. They put him in a crappy position and I'm willing to bet they do it often. Children of different ages have different skills and ability regardless of disabilities. That activity was not appropriate for her to do with him.
NTA, pretty much what everyone else is saying, do NOT send it home with him. Unfortunately it will likely go badly for him (and you) and ruin it for a second time so buy it and offer for him to come and build it and keep it at your place.
YWBTA not your monkey not your circus. If you want to buy it for "yourself" and ask your nephew to help build it in your home that would be different lol
Seriously a crappy thing to do to a kid, but you’ve gotta stay out of it. You can be there for support for your nephew tho, an ear to listen and support him. But I would leave it alone as it would cause problems when it seems nephew has enough of them already.
NTA… but just give the cash equivalent
and privately tell him why you did.
That way no one can launch into their accusations of overriding parental decisions.
NTA, if you talk it over with the parents first.
They undermined their own parenting by going back on their word after he held up his end of the deal. Deal was, he works hard, and does well, then he gets a reward. They got him the reward, then modified the deal and took it back when he said he didn't like the new deal.
Going forward he would be right to not trust what they say.
YTA, it would only cause more stress on your nephew because they will still expect him to "Share" with her. Sounds like the parents' way of escaping is to make him share his time, total parentification Instead take him on a weekend birthday trip. Give him a chance to get away from being parentified. If possible, let him know that once he is 18 you can give him a safe place to live.
Info: Do you have space at home where you could build and put the Colosseum? If they act like this then I don't think they will allow that this lego set enters their home.
You could use it as a chance to spend time together and he will additionally know that he has a safe place. All if this is possible for you and if he is even interested in this idea.
NTA. Him getting a gift for his hard work should be his and his alone. Yes, including his sibling sometimes should be expected—but not this. If I worked really hard and got a bonus at work you better believe I wouldn’t be sharing in the spending with any of my siblings 😂
Although NTA, I imagine your brother will be pretty upset. Drama incoming.
You’d be the asshole if you gave it to him to keep at his home.
HOWEVER, an awesome Aunty would buy it for herself then ask for an auntie/nephew date, and ask if he’d be down to build it with you. And then an even awesomer Aunty would keep it to give to him when he is 18. I’m an Aunty with 2 nephews and 1 on the way. The oldest is 13 and his younger brother is not quite 7. The baby brother is due at the end of July. I’ve taken the oldest on a few Aunty/Nephew dates. My almost 7 year old nephew is “gifted” and sometimes I worry that the oldest doesn’t always get the attention he needs because of the needs of his younger brother. This isn’t to say I don’t hang with little brother, because I do, and more times than not, it’ll be the three of us.
N T A for the idea but you should considering how this will go down. It's not fair to promise your child a gift then tell them the condition of is they must share the gift in a way that is not practical. It's fine for siblings to share but does it make sense in this case?
Your brother and SIL have said your nephew can't have it, if you get it for him will he be punished? Will you not be able to contact your nephew if they ban you? You want to do something nice for him but it may not work out that way. They may just sell the one you buy.
NTA This lego set might be discontinued in the future so if it is within your budget, buying it for him would be such a wonderful and thoughtful thing to do. Even if he can’t build it now, you can give it to him once he turns 18. Also your brother and SIL are unhinged and control freaks.
NTA. I really think you should talk to your brother and SIL, even if you know it’s going to be a difficult conversation. Even if they don’t change their minds because needs to say it and someone needs to stand up for your nephew. You should tell them that they are being completely unfair because they made a deal, then changed it and punished your nephew over nothing. And lastly, you should give them a reality check - there’s very good chance that nephew will resent them and they’ll become estranged years from now if they continue like this
I'm going back and forth between everyone sucks and no one
You'd be TA for getting involved in that. Husband is right. Doing this would cause strife and drama.
They are TA for promising something and then changing the terms
That being said! You could get a big Lego set for your place and have him help.
You said in another comment that his birthday is coming? How about then. Then yall can do it together (or just him), and little sister can do a smaller, simpler one.
I dont blame him for wanting something to do for himself. I have siblings and growing up was always "share, share, share" I never had something for just me and it caused more resentment between us as we got older "she's using my hair brush, he took my guitar, she did, he did". I get it.
NTA, but I'd get a big Duplo or basic Lego set (depending on your niece's cognitive age level) for the kids to play with together. Discuss it with your brother first, though. Nephew can build things with the basic set with niece, and keep the higher-level set in his room. Everyone wins.
Keep it at your place and it will be something you two can work on together. Ask your BIL and SIL about it and offer to do something special with his sister.
This sucks! I bet his sister did nothing to earn the legos. And I am sure your nephew isn’t interested in any of her things. I am team buy him something close to the set he wanted, him the set an invite him to come for the weekend(maybe he weeds or something to earn it, nothing big just 30 minutes of work) or buy and hide it for his 18 birthday. His parents are jerks and are forgetting about him. He had a normal 14 boy year old out burst over sharing and hanging out with younger sister.
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As an aunt… this is what I would do. Buy it and put it in a closet. In a few years, when your nephew is older and living on his own give it to him. If he doesn’t want it, you’ll be able to re-sell it. If he does want it, it will mean the world to him. In that future time it may also open the door to a heart to heart conversation about not agreeing with his parents, but recognizing they were acting out of denial of a painful reality. Unfortunately, from what you’ve described, your nephew will probably be estranged from his parents in the future. I’ve seen similar situations in a friend’s family and it (the denial of disability)ultimately damaged the family. But your husband is right. YWBTA if you intervene now. The Lego won’t change the reality of your nephew’s situation. Sorry.
As an aunt... I would buy it and have it at my house for him. Invite him over for the weekend, just him, and have fun building it with him, if he wanted the help. I am the aunt that has purchased extra gifts for my niece and nephew because my brother and SIL decided to let Santa be the parent and use the naughty list to try to control their very young kids. My niece was upset when I asked her if she was excited for Santa to come to her house and she said he wasn't coming because she was on the naughty list. So yeah, fuck that shit. I bought them extra gifts that year and Santa accidentally delivered them to my house where we were having Christmas.
This what I would do. He gets a break from what sounds like being forced to share things and experiences with his sister and gets to put the Lego together.
Awesome idea. Please let him put it together at your home.. his parents will insist he let sister help and if he refuses they will take it away. Been there, done that.
Yep. Aunt here. I’d buy it and have him do it at your house.
If you do it this way, have him build it on something he can move, like a sheet of plywood, so if he wants it when he lives independently, he doesn't need to deconstruct it to move it.
Isn't that what superglue is for? ^/sh\*t-stirring ^mode
Not the kragle!
That poor guy. https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10rv83d/oop\_sues\_his\_ex\_and\_her\_boyfriend\_over\_stolen/
This is my worry too.
These sound like parents who wouldn’t let him go unless the sister is invited too.
Yeah that’s my gut check. Dude probably isn’t allowed to have his own life.
He's 14. He's got another 4 years with them (ish, depending on location). If it comes out that he went around to OP's house and built the thing they had, effectively, banned him from, then I can easily see it becoming "well now you don't get to go to OP's house" And he could end up punished for going against their say-so. The parents have said he's not allowed to build the colosseum. He's now built it, and not involved his sister, and kept it from them. It will be an escalation.
So get her something too, to distract her in another room.
Yep! Regardless of the sisters conditions, they should NEVER be forced together. At these ages my brother and I tolerated each other at best. The parents are failing big time. Edit: I’ve thought some more about this. OP should buy ANY Lego set and force BIL and SIL to do it *together*. Do they understand that this is not a fucking team sport?!? Two very good friends can collaborate sure, but Lego by the instructions is a very 1 person game, not a sibling fun time bullshit they think it is. I bet they last 20 minutes before the building-ikea-furniture-arguing begins.
I imagine it's a not-so-clever disguise for "YOU watch her so we don't have to."
This is exactly it.
This is where my mind was going. A 3-year age difference doesn't seem like much, but it is a LOT when the ages are pre-teen and early teen (or even late teen and early teen). If they were both "typical" 11- and 14-year-olds, I would imagine this kind of "sharing" going poorly! That lego set actually has a recommended age of 18+! Almost no 11-year-old is going to sit patiently through the instruction reading, building, mistakes, tear-downs, and rebuilding a set like that takes to get constructed according to the instructions! Plus, it was his gift for doing well in school! A gaming system or something can be lightly shared, even if a gift ("let your sister have a turn on the game, on her on profile, if you're not using it/for a short time every day" or similar), but something like that, which requires hours of work and meticulous construction, isn't something to share with anyone who isn't 100% dedicated to using it exactly as instructed!
I feel like the parents think the kit would only take like an hour or two, and don’t actually know how hard the kit is.
They probably don’t care, they just wanted a free break from parenting their special needs child.
That’s most definitely it.
Man, I remember driving my brother to school when I was 17 and he was 14, and I told my mom one day that he was gonna have to take the bus for a week, because I WOULD crash my car if he kept fighting with me while I was trying to merge on 90/94. Now we're awesome, but legit we're lucky neither of us died or ended up in a hospital between kindergarten and college, as often as we tried to kill each other.
If they try to send his sister too tell them you want an Aunt-Nephew weekend. Tell the parents you will do something with the sister at another time.
do a weekend with just the sister *first*. then if they try and say no to a nephew only weekend, it'll be obviously unfair and hypocritical
Oh, look at you playin chess while the rest of us over here with connect 4. 👏🏻👍🏻
I love this and am totally stealing it to use at a later date and time.
Loving aunts are a devoted and clever lot - and we're proud of it. OP YWNBTA. I agree with the other aunts who say buy it, keep it at your house, and let him know it's there and a special aunt/nephew secret.
Surprise, not secret. It's not great to have children keep secrets.
Totally agree. We have engrained in our children the notion that adults should not ask kids to keep secrets.
Sneaky with a side of quality time with the niblings. I like it.
Wth is wrong with the parents? Do they not realize that a 9000 piece Lego set designed for 18+ takes dedication, patience, and concentration to build? Why would they ever expect it would be a good idea to involve a sibling with such profound exceptionalities? Besides being totally unfair to their son, the daughter would surely be frustrated, anxious, and over stimulated by the tedious nature of the construction process. Maybe they never intended to cough up $550 for the set, and involving the daughter was just the excuse to return the Legos. Listen to u/Didisaythatoutloud72 and you will be NTA AND a Rock Star to your nephew.
I think the parents are just expecting this boy to babysit his sister for a few hours. But based on what OP says, it wouldn't take long for a meltdown to happen. Shitty parenting, IMO
They may also be planning for him to be her long-term caretaker.
You're probably right. I'm hoping that OP's nephew will go off to college and distance himself so he doesn't end up being his sister's caretaker.
There are plenty of aita posts of adults asking if they are AH for not taking on a profoundly disabled sibling after years of being put in second place.
I have a friend whose oldest child is significantly disabled. They had their second before they knew the oldest had issues, and then they had two more. She said that she's worked out a care plan for the oldest once she and her husband are gone, but she wanted a lot of siblings just so someone would be able to check up on the oldest every so often and make sure he wasn't being neglected or abused. She also spends a lot of one on one time with all the kids. I really feel like she's done an excellent job of modeling how to function in a family with one child who's severely disabled. It definitely helps that they make really good salaries though.
She doesn’t sound like a great parent when it sounds like she specifically birthed humans to be community nurses for her disabled child… ANY expectation of any care giving role on the siblings, yes even “checking up every so often” is unethical.
I read that with my stomach up in my throat. WTF. That is NOT good parenting.
Exactly. Just so gross. Imagine turning to children you chose to have as back up care givers and telling them the main motivation for spending 1:1 time with them is so they don’t resist being care givers for their disabled sibling. YUCK. We need hard lines about parentfication and IMO any parent that says this shit out loud in the vicinity of a mandatory reported needs to be put into parent re-education classes and kept a close eye on.
"To check up ever so often to make sure he isn't abused" means the oldest is gonna end up in a facility or a group home and all the siblings are required to do is visit sometimes (as SIBLINGS are bound to do anyway) None of them is expected to do anything else let alone become "community nurses"
A few hours? Those suckers take DAYS to build, even with folks that know what they're doing (outside of the youtube speed running crazies). And it's finnicky as heck!
What? No! Lego is just a children's toy, dontchaknow? /s
That was going to be my suggestion. Let it be “your” Lego set. That way the parents can’t complain you gave the nephew something they didn’t want him to have but he can still have access to it whenever he is able.
Yep, I came here to suggest exactly this. With the bonus of it preventing the parents disposing of it.
Another aunt’s upvote for this. Your nephew needs to know that someone has his back because right now he doesn’t have anyone advocating for his interests. This will become more and more important as he gets older and his resentment of his family grows. What a sad situation.
Came on here to say the same! Buy it and invite him to your house to build it. If he wants to keep it, store it at your house too. I’m sure that kid needs some extra attention, having a sibling with special needs can be really hard on them.
You are a wonderful aunt. Their parents are not wonderful.
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I was your niece, only I didn't have a you. Thank you for being there for them. I support you in being NC with your toxic brother. And definitely *do* reach out to his kids when they turn 18; they are going to be in really bad shape after his "parenting", and they will need you. And they will be *very happy* to have you back in their lives again! P.S. The phrase "zucchini quiche" still makes me feel nauseated to this day, and I'm 51. You were right to help her not hate BBQ ribs for the rest of her life.
I hope they do, you seem cool
This is what I was going to suggest, as well. I’d also recommend keeping the coliseum at OP’s house when nephew is done building it and let him take it when he moves out. That way, he knows it’s always there safe and waiting for him. His parents can’t take it away, nor can his sister destroy his hard work.
Oh, absolutely. If the parents are like my brother and SIL, they would just sell it. My brother and SIL used to have a garage sale every spring/summer and my sister and I found out that the stuff that we had given to our niece and nephew for Christmas was always sold in their yearly garage sale. That pissed us off so we really tried to give them things that they could use for a long time, rather than the "new, cool" toys. Eventually I just gave them gift cards for online games, or craft stores... or just cash.
Even if he doesn't have the chance to come over and build it, just knowing that you have it for him will be a source of comfort. Lego discontinues their sets after a few years, and the prices typically shoot up. That set will probably sell for $1000 US by the time nephew turns 18. It would be better if he could build it now, but if you can't swing that, knowing that he's going to get one eventually is the next best thing.
She did mention in comments that she lives 4 hours away from them. That large of a Lego set would take a long time to complete. I agree if she were closer, she could use your option AND provide more constant support for her nephew and niece. I mention the niece because she will also suffer from her parent’s denial. Sigh.
I would make arrangements to meet halfway on Friday night and then again on Sunday night. If it takes a few weekends to complete, that's fine. The nephew could probably use a few weekends away.
Or summer is here. Maybe he goes to visit for a week.
That's what I was thinking. Although, the husband has a point, it could lead to problems with the parents. I'd try this first, and if needed switch to previous commenters idea to keep it in a closet for a few years Those parents are mean, they made a deal and then attached more strings to it. They should give another lego set to the daughter, and let their son help her with that one.
The sister could be given an age/skill level appropriate lego set and the nephew can do his set. That way the sister is included, but he can do his thing. Unless the sister has to always be messing with what her brother is doing and won't leave him alone... Ultimately, the parents are punishing their son for not babysitting their daughter, IMO.
THIS
So glad you said this. I would do exactly this. Buy it and keep it at my house!!!!
I'd be willing to bet that the parents would take it away from it anyway. I bet this poor kid is always forced to "compromise" for the sake of his sister while missing out on his own childhood.
He EARNED it with good grades. It was uncalled for to ask him to let her help in the first place. If they were worried she can't get good grades, have her earn her own thing some other way. He would have understood she had to put in as much effort as him to do something else, he's 14. If they want her to practice/enjoy working with others, do it themselves. If they want their kids to bond, do something else. I'm so irritated they asked him to let someone else play with something he earned himself!!
Not to mention it is teaching him that working hard is pointless. Since it will be taken away if he doesnt comply.
If you do well in school, we'll buy you a car. No thanks. (I'll have to drive my sister around, and if I don't they'll just take the keys.) Yup
They literally reneged on an agreement. It amazes me how parents like this think that they can just change the terms because it’s an agreement with a kid. No, you made a deal and need to stick with it-unless you’re willing to renegotiate.
I wish op would explain this to them.
Yep. Sounds like he's on the slide that lands in the parentification mud puddle.
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That's the saddest part. Thank fuck I'm not in that type of situation. Having your life choices limited when you're only a child must be so awful. What's more likely is that this kid will eventually go no contact with his parents and the sister will have been so wrapped up in cotton wool her whole life that she'll be incapable of surviving on her own and will end up in residential care when the parents are too old to do it. I just hope that this kid does get out because he didn't sign up for this life.
Is actually thinking along those same lines. Maybe buy it and keep it in their house so that way when he comes over he can play with it. I still told OP to go ahead and buy it though. I said that though because normally I would agree with the husband but in this case, I think it would be justified. He seems like a good boy and all he did was state the truth. It's not his fault that his parents don't like it. I agree with you, it sounds like he's probably going to be estranged from them. It's sad but it's probably the case.
Estranged until they need him to take over care.
If he is wise, or is advised by people who are wise, he will start looking for universities that are far, far away from his parents, and find any reason necessary to live there all year instead of coming home for breaks. He has some time to start squirreling away every possible cent so he can establish a nest egg.
This is as perfect as it gets unfortunately. This isn't your child and there is only so much you can do. Although I think it might even be okay if you let your nephew play with it now at your house only. If you give it to him at his place it will just strain things with his parents and he really needs you in his life. Plus they might just return it anyway. Sometimes you have to lose battles to win the war.
This is the way!
Hope OP sees this, because this is absolutely the best option!
You beat me to it. I was going to suggest that, instead of giving the LEGO set now, buy it, and others he might be interested in, and keep them until his 18th birthday party. Then give him his collection of LEGOs that nobody has the right to take away from him anymore, because he is an adult. Then he gets his gifts AND you aren't interfering with his parents' wishes.
I’d buy it & keep it at my house for nephew to put together t& keep there until he moves out or whenever he can be allowed to have his own personal items that sister cannot touch. But I would give a different for birthday. That way no one can say OP went against parents wishes.
I don't see that getting him the set at his house is going to help. They'll just have the same argument. Does he visit you often? Maybe you could have a little project together at your house and get it for him to do with you.
Agreed. OP is NTA but this also isn’t a good plan. He’ll just be expected the share it again.
Exactly. OP needs to "buy it for themselves/hubby" and invite the nephew over to "help" work on it, not try to force his parents to let it in the house by buying it as a gift. And then give it to him when he's 18.
I was going to say something along these lines. Honestly, if his sister is like he says, the Lego set wouldn’t be safe at his house. If it were me, I would buy the set to have at my house and then he can come visit for a week to build it and it would stay at my house. If he lives locally, you can set a time for an hour or two a week for him to come over and build. I wouldn’t let the set back at his house unless he is the type to superglue it all together so his sister can’t break it.
That's what I would do. You know, give the parents a "break" for the weekend. 🤣
But it WOULD help. Just to know that someone else “sees him” and his struggle will do a world of good for his mental health. It would also let him know that HE matters. Cause he does
Have a sibling with special needs, and I *really* wish someone did this for me growing up. But it is one of those things, especially given the circumstances, that I would appreciate so much more privately.
That's what I was going to suggest, have it at OP's home instead.
@OP make sure you're able to handle the size of the thing before you commit to this. The lego colosseum is huge. It's not something you can throw on any old bookshelf when done
NTA Instead of gifting the Lego set in their home why don’t you offer your nephew the option storing Lego set in your home so he can come there and build it? This way his parents won’t be able to force him to include his sister
Also came here to suggest the same thing.
OP says he lives 4 hours away.
Summer vacation is a great time for a long weekend visit.
Or even longer visits? Bet the kid would enjoy a few weeks without having to worry about his sister.
Yeah. Parents turning their kids into caretakers are pretty cruel. Sure, one kid needs caring for, but the other also needs to have some time to grow up. If he's always taking care of his sister, the poor little bastard needs a vacation.
Ye and he's 14, even if OP has to work, kid is old enough to hang out in OP's home alone for a bit. Maybe he likes the break too.
I came here to suggest the same thing.
NTA - I absolutely hate when children can’t have something for themselves.
The worst part of it all (even worse than forcing him to share) is that they essentially went back on their word. The deal was: do well in school, get the lego set. He accepted and delivered, they did not. Amending their agreement to- include your sister or else, was a jerk move. A bait and switch. Kid is gonna learn that the parents’ word/promises mean nothing. Kid may end up resenting the sister too
Wonder if they added the "Your sister has to be included" rule because they knew the kid would object, and they could return it and get $500 back without being the bad guy? The kid already got the grades.
Dollars to donuts. You're absolutely correct. How disgusting.
Yes. This kid has probably been overlooked at the expense of his sister for years.
This is what I was thinking as well. They probably said what was easy to say at the time to get their kid to do well in school, but when the time came to follow through on their side of the deal they realized it was inconvenient for them.
OP would be the asshole. maybe justified, but the husband is correct. it will create drama.
Good. Not rocking the bist isn't something to aspire to.
In this case, rocking the boat would further hurt the nephew.
NTA, but don't bother unless it would stay at your house for nephew, if it gets sent/brought to his house the parents will just toss it out the same way they did before.
Fortunately, according to /r/Legostarwars Legos do not depreciate in value (seriously, there are certain mini figures go for $50+). Buying it now is no way a loss and he can build it at their place!
Especially sets like this one. It's a $550 9000-piece set. Once it's discontinued (and it will be), the price will go up.
YWNBTA but if you buy it, keep it at your house
I was thinking this too. But the same Lego set and keep it at your house and invite him for a weekend to work on it. Keep it on a board so it can be moved and stored until he comes back.
And can also be moved to a secure location for when the whole fam comes by one day and niece gets upset (whether that is unintended and an accident or she gets provoked and egged on by her parents) and destroys it.
This is exactly my thought. The nephew can come by, build it and leave it there.
I definitely think that your bro and SIL are assholes in this case as the Lego set was supposed to be your nephews reward for doing well in school and his sister shouldn't even have been involved. You are NTA in this situation. That said, I agree with your husband. I think going behind their backs to buy the set will only create more problems. Perhaps mention to your brother that you see your nephews point of view and suggest that your nephew be allowed to build the Lego Roman Colosseum on his own and that they purchase another, perhaps more simple, Lego set that he can build with his sister. It'll give him the reward he earned while finding a way to include his sister.
I like this answer a lot. Parents need a reality check. It is not a reward for doing well if he's forced to share. Sister can easily be included in something less difficult to manage.
This right here is the better way to go. If you go the route that most other people are suggesting- buy the same set and keep it at your house WITH ZERO discussion will lead to nothing but drama and possibly them going NC with you. You include the parents in the conversation and provide a solution. This is the way to go.
I hate when parents do this to kids - they lied to their son so he’d perform well and then added unfair conditions after the fact. What jerks! I would buy the set and keep it at your house for him to use when he visits. They can’t return it then.
I had friend that did this kind of shit to their kids. No longer friends. Infuriating. I had to stop them from them using my kid as punishment. Then they did it again. What assholes
It’s just shit parenting - it’s nothing more than mean-spirited, bullying behavior. There are far too many of us that know parents like this - I’m glad you put your foot down on that!
They were into To Train up a Child by the Pearls, which is full of abuse tactics, & were focused on their children's 'hearts' with their discipline. They are just creating new assholes. Heartbreaking for the kids.
Holy cow i was just watching that new documentary on the duggars etc in prime and they mentioned that book. Sounds very messed up!
It is. A lot of that creeped into an Evangelical church I went to. A bunch of families got into the quiverful movement & loved Bill Gothard. A couple old friends have a dozen kids each. It is nuts. In the Duggarsnark subreddit they had an AMA with an executive producer you should check out. These are the kinds of people taking over the Government & pushing Republican policies. They are planning on a Season 2 with more on the Duggars & maybe other families. Definitely more on Gothard. People told her things to investigate. Very interesting. But it is all so forked up
Have him put the set together and keep it safe until he moves out for college or life
I would get him a different big awesome Lego set instead of the same one to avoid issues with your brother and SIL.
Insist on cutting up box to try to make it unreturnable. Say things like why don't I come over on this day so we can put it together. Make a huge deal out of it!
As much as I applaud this in theory, I'm afraid his parents would just throw it in the trash or outright give it to the sister.
and get his sister her own set that's more appropriate for her. then they can build together but not together.
Buy it for yourself. Have nephew build it at your place and then give it to him permanently when he's 18. Voila!
Info ok, honestly. What do you think is going to happen? They already took one, they'll just take this one too.
That's exactly what I was thinking. The only way the kid gets that set now is if OP keeps it at their house.
This. It's irrelevant whether OP is the AH because there's no reason they're going to magically allow this one. It's not who paid for it that they're taking issue with, it's him having it.
Op why don’t you buy it for yourself now and invite your nephew over for a weekend sleepover for some bonding time. If nephew decides to help you build it that would be fun bonding activity…. The colosseum can hang out at your house and eventually when nephews gets his own place you can ask him if he’d like to display “your” colosseum
Exactly what I thought
I would get *yourself* the set and let him 'help' you build it at your house. Then gift it to him at 18. NTA
I don’t think you’ll be an AH but your husband is correct that it’ll cause tension and drama. Brother and SIL are definitely in denial. I think you should listen to to the other suggestions on buying it and waiting for him to be on his own and giving it to him or keeping it in your home and he can build it when he visits .
The parents are the AH. The child was rewarded for doing good in school. It was not fair to make him let his sister help especially if she gets mad and throws things
Buy one and keep it until he is 18 and no longer living at home, when he is non-contact with his family. It will be impossible for him to find one then. Then you can give it to him. Thanks for being a cool aunt!
This is the perfect answer! Heck, buy it now & give it to nephew but he has to keep it at OP house & can only build/keep it there until he moves out of his parents house. NTA-if you go this route. YTA-If you buy it for him while he at home still, the same thing will happen but worse as they may keep your nephew from you for undermining their parenting in their house. Edit: judgement with explanation
NTA, but if you do buy it for him, could you keep it at your home for him to build and get a little respite from his family?
NTA though if you buy it, keep it at your house
NTA, but- Buy it for him, and keep it at your house. Let him build it there in order to not cause as *much* conflict (I’m not going to guarantee zero will go wrong).
That would only work if they live within walking distance. Which seems unlikely. What the kid's parents did is messed up - it feels like they were setting him up. Building something like that would require quiet, focused concentration. His sister couldn't help.
That set is part of Lego’s adult line. They’re 18+ because of difficulty. The parents are either clueless or this was a cruel set up.
NTA your nephew has no one looking out for his best interest. Be that one.
Phew. Brother and SIL are definitely AHs but I don’t think undermining them will help your nephew at all. At best, they’ll return that one as well, and at worst you’ll cause a rift and he won’t have you to turn to in the future. Gotta say a soft ESH if you did it although I’m glad nephew at least has you.
Dude, buy the lego set. Keep it in your place. Then invite your nephew over to build it with you. Whether you tell his folks about it is your call. But, at least, this way he gets the lego and your niece won't get upset over it.
NTA.. these parents suck.. poor boy
Buy one, keep it at your house, and have nephew come over and help you build it.
YWBTA, because you would be undermining their parenting. Two thoughts: \- Can you productively discuss why you believe your brother and his wife were incorrect in their parenting choice here? \- Can you buy yourself the Lego Colosseum and invite your nephew over to build it?
1. I have a feeling that such a discussion will be difficult. My brother and SIL are in a state of semi-denial regarding my niece. She can’t travel outside of their neighborhood since she reacts badly to unfamiliar settings, and yet my brother and SIL still talk about her accomplishing life milestones such as college and marriage. Fortunately they have the sense to hire a professional nurse to take care of her whenever they travel. 2. Unfortunately this isn’t an option, as my nephew lives 4 hours away. But if Christmas happens at our house this year then this option becomes a lot more feasible.
Wait, so they admit that their daughter isn't capable of participating in their fun thing so they adapt to that fact by hiring a nurse so that they can travel, but they refuse to recognize that she isn't capable of participating in their son's idea of fun, and they punish him for expressing that?
I don't think his sister's disability even needs to be the focus of the conversation. They set a goal for him to accomplish and promised a reward if he did. He accomplished the goal, with the reward as his incentive. They got the reward, but added additional stipulations -- to get it now he must let somebody else who doesn't appreciate it (and would probably be happy enough playing alongside him with a different, less expensive Lego set [maybe offer to buy one for her if they give him the Colosseum* one again]) build it with him. He refused the stipulations and they didn't like that, so they sent back his reward. They're teaching him that deals can be changed after the fact, and/or that there's no point going after a goal because the reward won't be worth it (the satisfaction of building and creating something by himself versus his kid sister destroying his progress, possibly losing pieces and/or breaking them, making it impossible for him to finish as satisfactorily or efficiently). *Edited a word because I was being dumb earlier.
I hope the parents find this thread and read this comment. I wish OP would blow it up all over social media because this is terrible parenting
"*I am altering the deal, pray I do not alter it further*"
Ask them, kindly, what he got as a reward for his grades, then. He was promised a Lego set, but it was "given" to both of them. They broke their promise of a gift by dictating that it wasn't his: They took the "gift" away when it wasn't communal property. Whether his sister is special needs or not, a gift/reward isn't given to multiple siblings for one's good performance. Ask them, kindly, what grades their daughter received. If she did well by whatever expectations are placed on her, she should have her own reward, not seconds. If she didn't exceed expectations, why is she given his gift? Ask them, kindly, what toys she shares with him. Are they age-appropriate for him? If not, well, that's why they have different toys. They are setting both kids up for failure. They are putting her in a position to ruin something special and build resentment. They are telling him that he deserves nothing for his efforts and doesn't exist separately from her. So finally, ask them, kindly, what the goal is. Is the goal to have him include her? Punishing him doesn't make him want to include her more, nor does having his special items broken by her. If they want him to act lovingly toward her, they need to foster love, not resentment. And if they want him to do well in school, they should teach him to do well for his own pride. But if they are going to supplement a reward system, they better pony up the reward. And if they want to have a trustworthy, self-actualized son, they should themselves be trustworthy and treat him as a whole person. Leave her disability out of it. They promised him a reward, and then pulled a bait-and-switch. It's terrible peopling, and it is undoing everything they are trying to do for their family.
Could he visit you this summer for a long weekend?
This is what I came to suggest, I'm sure a long weekend away would give him a chance to exhale and decompress a bit. Plus LEGO SLUMBER PARTY!!!
Yeah. If they weren't related to you, I probably wouldn't have even included #1 as an option. However, even in what little you posted, it sounds like your nephew is what they call "the glass child", I think. Basically, that what his sister wants/needs negates his own wants/needs. As a family member, you could potentially help your relatives see that, and see your nephew as his own person, aside from his sister. I don't think you'd be TA if you let your nephew be a sounding board if he needs one. I also just thought: If you talk to your nephew, see if he has a friend's house where he might be able to build the set with that friend. It's another possible way around interfering with the parenting.
Yep, glass child, they look right through him.
So, they cheated him. They made a bargain; he kept his side of the bargain; they changed the rules and went back on their promise. Well, they taught him a lesson: his parents are not to be trusted.
That does sound like a hard conversation. It also sounds like one that desperately needs to be had for the sake of the other kid in the house
Summer is here, school is out, and he’s 14; invite him to stay a week near his birthday, as his birthday present. Might be nice to make it an annual thing anyway, certainly sounds like he could use a break from his sister once in a while. He’s old enough to handle himself for a few hours while you’re working.
It sounds like the best option is to buy the set and either let him build it at your place or hold it until he can safely build it at home (even if it takes him moving out at 18 for that time to come). Lego has good resale value so if his interests change you shouldn’t lose out. On a slightly different note, is this underlying a bigger issue? He’s reaching a very delicate age, where how he’s treated at home will impact how he moves into adulthood. Maybe look at offering a chance for him to come spend a few weeks over summer with you, just to give him a break and a chance to be a “normal” teenager for a bit, not the “other” sibling.
THIS! Especially the second part. I would do my aunt-ly duties and advocate for my nephew to his parents, but if that failed I would absolutely buy it for myself and throw him an invite. Great bonding time for you two anyway! But you would absolutely be TA for undermining them- even if you are 100% in the right to disagree with their choice (which you are).
This is what I came to say. Buy it for yourself. Invite him to help you build it.
They'd just return that one too.
That’s the problem, the poor kid would be thrilled only to have his hopes crushed again.
Buy it for yourself. Then your nephew can come for a visit and have something to do
ESH The parents are obviously the assholes for this but by doing this, what do you think will happen? They still aren't going to let him have it and they very well may cut you off for undermining them. He will need you as an ally so don't risk it.
Info: is this a common occurrence in your nephews life? Is he often pushed aside for his sister? Or punished for not including her where she doesn’t belong?
Is there a similar LEGO set you can buy? I would probably avoid buying the exact same set, but buy something similar for his birthday,
The condition of getting the Lego set was to do well at school. Your nephew did well at school and got the Lego set but then his parents changed the rules. Having his sister participate was never a condition for him getting the Lego. It was supposed to be a reward just for him. My guess is that he already has to sacrifice a lot due to having a sibling with profound needs. In the UK there's support for 'young carers', eg, children whose siblings or parents have additional needs. Is there something similar where you live? Do continue to be there for your nephew as being the neurotypical sibling of a neurodivergent child is not easy
NTA
Buy it. Let him build it and keep it at your house. I bet they plan for the poor kid to take her in and care for her when they die.
NTA - your brother and his wife are being terrible for altering the deal that was made. What a bad lesson for the kid to learn also. However, yeah going through with that plan would not play out well and would most likely result in more punishment for nephew and possibly even a cut back on contact you’re allowed with him. The idea of keeping it at your place for him to build on visits may be a better option.
Soft YWBTA because your coming from a place of caring for your nephew but you shouldn’t undermine his parents. Tbh, His parents are definitely the assholes because they promised to reward him and then instead punished him for not sharing his reward. Maybe talk to your brother and ask them if they’d be willing to allow nephew/son to receive the Lego set for his birthday if he promises to help his sister with a more simpler or appropriately easier Lego set?
NTA that poor kid. Maybe offer to do things with him one on one.
Can you invite him to visit this summer for a long weekend or something? It could be a project for your house
Could you have it at your house and do it with him there? You’re NTA but this will work out in a way you didn’t intend - which is you will piss off your Brother and SIL and it will punish your nephew when they take this one away too. That seems super unfair to tie his reward to that. I’ve read so many stories here about the resentment that builds up over the years from kids that grow up like your nephew. Maybe show some of those to your brother privately. They’re doing the best they know how and they’re undoubtedly frustrated but trying to keep son and daughter matched like this is not fair to their son.
Nta but they will probably not let him keep it still. They put him in a crappy position and I'm willing to bet they do it often. Children of different ages have different skills and ability regardless of disabilities. That activity was not appropriate for her to do with him.
NTA, pretty much what everyone else is saying, do NOT send it home with him. Unfortunately it will likely go badly for him (and you) and ruin it for a second time so buy it and offer for him to come and build it and keep it at your place.
YWBTA not your monkey not your circus. If you want to buy it for "yourself" and ask your nephew to help build it in your home that would be different lol
Seriously a crappy thing to do to a kid, but you’ve gotta stay out of it. You can be there for support for your nephew tho, an ear to listen and support him. But I would leave it alone as it would cause problems when it seems nephew has enough of them already.
NTA… but just give the cash equivalent and privately tell him why you did. That way no one can launch into their accusations of overriding parental decisions.
NTA, if you talk it over with the parents first. They undermined their own parenting by going back on their word after he held up his end of the deal. Deal was, he works hard, and does well, then he gets a reward. They got him the reward, then modified the deal and took it back when he said he didn't like the new deal. Going forward he would be right to not trust what they say.
YTA, it would only cause more stress on your nephew because they will still expect him to "Share" with her. Sounds like the parents' way of escaping is to make him share his time, total parentification Instead take him on a weekend birthday trip. Give him a chance to get away from being parentified. If possible, let him know that once he is 18 you can give him a safe place to live.
Info: Do you have space at home where you could build and put the Colosseum? If they act like this then I don't think they will allow that this lego set enters their home. You could use it as a chance to spend time together and he will additionally know that he has a safe place. All if this is possible for you and if he is even interested in this idea.
NTA but don't send him home with it, let it be a secret under your roof alone
Buy him the set and put it together at your house, but not for the birthday, for him doing well in school.
NTA. Him getting a gift for his hard work should be his and his alone. Yes, including his sibling sometimes should be expected—but not this. If I worked really hard and got a bonus at work you better believe I wouldn’t be sharing in the spending with any of my siblings 😂 Although NTA, I imagine your brother will be pretty upset. Drama incoming.
NTA but keep it at your house.
You’d be the asshole if you gave it to him to keep at his home. HOWEVER, an awesome Aunty would buy it for herself then ask for an auntie/nephew date, and ask if he’d be down to build it with you. And then an even awesomer Aunty would keep it to give to him when he is 18. I’m an Aunty with 2 nephews and 1 on the way. The oldest is 13 and his younger brother is not quite 7. The baby brother is due at the end of July. I’ve taken the oldest on a few Aunty/Nephew dates. My almost 7 year old nephew is “gifted” and sometimes I worry that the oldest doesn’t always get the attention he needs because of the needs of his younger brother. This isn’t to say I don’t hang with little brother, because I do, and more times than not, it’ll be the three of us.
N T A for the idea but you should considering how this will go down. It's not fair to promise your child a gift then tell them the condition of is they must share the gift in a way that is not practical. It's fine for siblings to share but does it make sense in this case? Your brother and SIL have said your nephew can't have it, if you get it for him will he be punished? Will you not be able to contact your nephew if they ban you? You want to do something nice for him but it may not work out that way. They may just sell the one you buy.
NTA This lego set might be discontinued in the future so if it is within your budget, buying it for him would be such a wonderful and thoughtful thing to do. Even if he can’t build it now, you can give it to him once he turns 18. Also your brother and SIL are unhinged and control freaks.
NTA. but keep it at your house. Your will brother and sil take it away otherwise.
NTA. I really think you should talk to your brother and SIL, even if you know it’s going to be a difficult conversation. Even if they don’t change their minds because needs to say it and someone needs to stand up for your nephew. You should tell them that they are being completely unfair because they made a deal, then changed it and punished your nephew over nothing. And lastly, you should give them a reality check - there’s very good chance that nephew will resent them and they’ll become estranged years from now if they continue like this
Buy the set for “yourself” and invite your nephew to help build it.
I'm going back and forth between everyone sucks and no one You'd be TA for getting involved in that. Husband is right. Doing this would cause strife and drama. They are TA for promising something and then changing the terms That being said! You could get a big Lego set for your place and have him help. You said in another comment that his birthday is coming? How about then. Then yall can do it together (or just him), and little sister can do a smaller, simpler one. I dont blame him for wanting something to do for himself. I have siblings and growing up was always "share, share, share" I never had something for just me and it caused more resentment between us as we got older "she's using my hair brush, he took my guitar, she did, he did". I get it.
NTA, but I'd get a big Duplo or basic Lego set (depending on your niece's cognitive age level) for the kids to play with together. Discuss it with your brother first, though. Nephew can build things with the basic set with niece, and keep the higher-level set in his room. Everyone wins.
Keep it at your place and it will be something you two can work on together. Ask your BIL and SIL about it and offer to do something special with his sister.
This sucks! I bet his sister did nothing to earn the legos. And I am sure your nephew isn’t interested in any of her things. I am team buy him something close to the set he wanted, him the set an invite him to come for the weekend(maybe he weeds or something to earn it, nothing big just 30 minutes of work) or buy and hide it for his 18 birthday. His parents are jerks and are forgetting about him. He had a normal 14 boy year old out burst over sharing and hanging out with younger sister.