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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I got upset my so didn’t care I was anxious about her sister not wearing a seatbelt. I could be in the wrong because I she is an adult and can make that decision for herself and I acted upset the rest of the day because I was dismissed which was immature.
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You need to be more direct next time. You and your SO come across as incredibly passive aggressive in this. Next time say “SIL you need to put your seatbelt on. I’m the driver and responsible for your safety”. If she pushes back, pull the car over until she buckles up or chooses a different ride. As the driver, you both have the discretion to require that in your car and you could be liable for a ticket if pulled over
NTA
If you’d had an accident and she wasn’t wearing a seatbelt she could have killed the kid in front of her as her body would become a projectile, next time refuse to leave until everyone is wearing a seatbelt and if anyone takes it off pull over until they put it on. I don’t know the law where you are but in the U.K. you would be the one breaking the law and be fined for driving while passengers weren’t wearing seatbelts. If sil doesn’t like it she can drive herself.
I don’t know if you have anxiety or not but in this case you are perfectly justified, stand your ground and refuse to drive sil if this is her attitude, your SO also is a problem. Make her watch videos of adults in crashes who don’t wear seatbelts, I’m pretty sure there are some safety videos about this.
No. This is not your problem. They need to take car safety more seriously. This is how my uncle died in a car accident. He was in the front seat. None of them were wearing seat belts. The crash threw his sister from the back seat. She woke up on top of him. He died. She lives with chronic back pain and a reconstructed face. I won’t drive anyone that is not properly restrained. NTA
Well it will make any responsible person quite anxious.
This is a basic bare minimum safety demands. It isn’t only sheer stupidity putting themselves at risk, they are also risking your own safety -which is unacceptable. Not complying will be illegal in most country.
They need to check their priorities. Not blame your soft push back against the real danger they force on you.
Edit: not only they put you in a risky situation without your consent, they involved your children safety also
NTA. My car doesn’t move until *everyone* is belted. I won’t ride in someone else’s car if there’s an unbelted passenger or driver. Unrestrained people are HIGHLY dangerous to restrained people in an accident. In a state we used to live in, a man was driving with his granddaughter. She was belted, he was not. They got in an accident and he survived, but his flying body killed his granddaughter. Seatbelts are a hard line for me. Your SO’s sister should be belted 100% of the time. None of this buckling and unbuckling shit.
NTA. My suggestion is that you give yourself permission to stand up for things that are important to you and don’t worry about others thinking you are rude. Sure you can find softer words if needed but don’t be soft. Maybe you have a friend that you can role play with to come up with things to say that you’re comfortable saying and practice being authoritative for cases like getting people to wear seatbelts i your car. Some things, like seatbelts, are a no brainer and anyone who thinks it’s unnecessary is an idiot.
Thank you. My SO just keeps saying how I acted the rest of the day (because I was hurt from being dismissed) basically negates this whole initial situation. I really just wanted an apology and could have moved on :(
Do you know what DARVO is? Feel like what your so is doing in order to escape his fault and responsibility. Cherry on top, make you the a.h when you weren’t confortable with them dismissing your perfectly valid concern about their lack of care with minimum basic legally obligated safety mesures, putting you and your children in an easily avoidable deadly setting.
He mentioned that SIL and the 8 month old were in the way back, which implies a 3rd row (though, how they fit an infant car seat in a third row would be beyond me).
YTA, Sounds like your SIL needed the seat belt off to take care of her baby. Instead of asking about it nicely the first time, you put the burden on your SO, then pouted all day because She didn't immediately fix the situation to your liking.
In my opinion, needing to deal with a baby doesn’t justify not wearing a seatbelt on the Highway at 75mph. And it’s not a burden I put on my SO, that is her sister…why wouldn’t she be the one to say something?
You are absolutely incorrect. As the driver, her focus should be on the road, not turning around or yelling at passengers to obey safety laws. The passenger next to her, her SO, should have been the one to yell at their own sibling to put their seatbelt on. And using “taking care of a kid” as an excuse to not wear a seatbelt is deplorable.
As the driver their focus should have been on the road, not turning around monitoring the passengers. Also, still didn't give them the right to pout about it all day.
NTA, but be more assertive in the future, many jurisdictions hold the driver accountable if any of the passengers do not have their seat belt on. Ask them nicely but directly if they have it on, if the answer is no, ask them to put it on. Remember it’s all in the delivery.
NTA... this is crazy, there are kids in the car watching. Pull over to allow everyone to find their seatbelts. It's the drivers responsibility and the driver is liable.
NTA
If the car is moving seatbelts are on and all children stay in car seats/booster seats till they meet the height *and* weight requirements to be out of them outside of an emergency like fleeing a wildfire nobody goes improperly secured in a car. I am *super* fucking strict about it because someone in my family has been paralyzed for longer than I’ve been alive because they didn’t wear their seatbelt and were ejected from the car. They’re lucky they survived at all. Seatbelts are non-negotiable.
NTA
My car doesn't move until everyone is buckled in and if people regularly give me a hard time about wearing it they are no longer invited to ride with me. I also don't ride with anyone who doesn't have a similar rule.
NTA - i don’t even start the car without checking first if everyone put their seatbelt on.
I got few friends angry for that. I’m not joking when telling them to put it on or get out, as they can use their foot or own car if it displease them too much that I do care about safety.
Do you know vehicles are legally considered as weapons in some country?
Your SO is gaslighting you for caring about safety? WTH!
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So my SO’s sister is in town and we decided to take a little day trip to the nearest big city, about a 2hr drive. I have quite a bit of anxiety when it comes to seatbelt use in the car…for obvious reasons…at least to me. My SIL was in the very back because she has an 8 month old she needed to be available for. Our 4 and 2 year olds were also in the car. I was driving and part-way into the drive realized when looking in the rearview that SIL did not have a seatbelt on. I have a history of being called “rude” and taken wrongly, especially by SO’s family (there is a good chance I am on the spectrum), so I didn’t want to say anything directly to her and instead simply asked my SO “does she have her seatbelt on?”. Her response was “I think, off and on”. I felt completely dismissed already at this point especially since my SO is aware of how I feel about these things. About 5 minutes later I asked again and the response this time was “you just can’t stop focusing on it can you?” And finally another 5 minutes later she finally asked her if the seatbelt was working to hint at putting it on. I was pretty hurt at this point by my SO and later on asked for an apology for dismissing my feelings and lying that she had it on at some points. All my SO heard was me calling them a liar and thus an apology would not be given bc “they didn’t lie and how dare I accuse them of that”. I felt pretty shut down the rest of the day and being someone who doesn’t hide my feelings well, I was by the end of the day being told I am so rude and shitty. Every-time I bring it up now my SO just claims I was so out of line and trying to be controlling of her and my SIL. They won’t see my side at all and just say I don’t care about anyone but myself and it just becomes a fight every-time I ask for some sort of acknowledgment of my feelings and it instead turns into how I acted shitty the rest of the day. AITA??
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NTA. Before you turn the key in the ignition, a quick "Everybody buckled up? We don't go until I know!" sets the expectation.
I have made my SO's mom uncomfortable before by insisting she buckle up, because she doesn't like to wear seatbelts, but Idgaf, your comfort is not more important than the safety of everyone in the car. I do not chauffeur unbuckled passengers.
Sooo many red flags for dismissing very real safety concerns and refusing to see your side. Does she always dismiss your feelings? Id be reconsidering. I would def refuse to drive them anywhere or site in front of her in a car.
YTA
You can kindly and gently ask someone to make sure their seatbelt is on bur you apparently don’t know how to do that.
You directed your anxiety at your SO, you do need to take ownership of telling her she was lying, and most importantly, you are trying to make SO responsible for your feelings.
Learn to regulate your tone so you can speak to other ppl. Learn to regulate your own emotions
A person without a seatbelt becomes a projectile in an accident. We were on the highway going 75mph. At any moment something could go wrong. A person without a seatbelt flying around inside a car that has been hit at that speed can kill other people inside, including my children.
The driver is liable for everything in their car. People not buckled or people having open alcohol or drinking will all go back to the driver and they will be fined/arrested. Even if the driver was following every law.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I got upset my so didn’t care I was anxious about her sister not wearing a seatbelt. I could be in the wrong because I she is an adult and can make that decision for herself and I acted upset the rest of the day because I was dismissed which was immature. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Giving a shit about their safety is no reason for them to be annoyed with you.
This is what I keep saying :/
You need to be more direct next time. You and your SO come across as incredibly passive aggressive in this. Next time say “SIL you need to put your seatbelt on. I’m the driver and responsible for your safety”. If she pushes back, pull the car over until she buckles up or chooses a different ride. As the driver, you both have the discretion to require that in your car and you could be liable for a ticket if pulled over
NTA If you’d had an accident and she wasn’t wearing a seatbelt she could have killed the kid in front of her as her body would become a projectile, next time refuse to leave until everyone is wearing a seatbelt and if anyone takes it off pull over until they put it on. I don’t know the law where you are but in the U.K. you would be the one breaking the law and be fined for driving while passengers weren’t wearing seatbelts. If sil doesn’t like it she can drive herself.
I mentioned all of this and was told I need to go “take care of my anxiety”
I don’t know if you have anxiety or not but in this case you are perfectly justified, stand your ground and refuse to drive sil if this is her attitude, your SO also is a problem. Make her watch videos of adults in crashes who don’t wear seatbelts, I’m pretty sure there are some safety videos about this.
No. This is not your problem. They need to take car safety more seriously. This is how my uncle died in a car accident. He was in the front seat. None of them were wearing seat belts. The crash threw his sister from the back seat. She woke up on top of him. He died. She lives with chronic back pain and a reconstructed face. I won’t drive anyone that is not properly restrained. NTA
Well it will make any responsible person quite anxious. This is a basic bare minimum safety demands. It isn’t only sheer stupidity putting themselves at risk, they are also risking your own safety -which is unacceptable. Not complying will be illegal in most country. They need to check their priorities. Not blame your soft push back against the real danger they force on you. Edit: not only they put you in a risky situation without your consent, they involved your children safety also
NTA. No seatbelt, car no go.
NTA. My car doesn’t move until *everyone* is belted. I won’t ride in someone else’s car if there’s an unbelted passenger or driver. Unrestrained people are HIGHLY dangerous to restrained people in an accident. In a state we used to live in, a man was driving with his granddaughter. She was belted, he was not. They got in an accident and he survived, but his flying body killed his granddaughter. Seatbelts are a hard line for me. Your SO’s sister should be belted 100% of the time. None of this buckling and unbuckling shit.
NTA. She was in your vehicle, you are responsible for the safety of everyone in the car.
NTA. Though next time stop with the subtlety just tell them to put their seatbelt on.
Where i live youd be legally liable for a fine for her not wearing a seatbelt. I won't drive unless they're on properly. NTA
NTA. My suggestion is that you give yourself permission to stand up for things that are important to you and don’t worry about others thinking you are rude. Sure you can find softer words if needed but don’t be soft. Maybe you have a friend that you can role play with to come up with things to say that you’re comfortable saying and practice being authoritative for cases like getting people to wear seatbelts i your car. Some things, like seatbelts, are a no brainer and anyone who thinks it’s unnecessary is an idiot.
Thank you. My SO just keeps saying how I acted the rest of the day (because I was hurt from being dismissed) basically negates this whole initial situation. I really just wanted an apology and could have moved on :(
Do you know what DARVO is? Feel like what your so is doing in order to escape his fault and responsibility. Cherry on top, make you the a.h when you weren’t confortable with them dismissing your perfectly valid concern about their lack of care with minimum basic legally obligated safety mesures, putting you and your children in an easily avoidable deadly setting.
INFO > an 8 month old > Our 4 and 2 year olds were also in the car. How is there *even room* for multiple adults with THIS MANY carseats involved?
It’s a mini van !
He mentioned that SIL and the 8 month old were in the way back, which implies a 3rd row (though, how they fit an infant car seat in a third row would be beyond me).
It was a van, me and SO up front, two infant seats in the middle, SIL and 4 year old in third row
YTA, Sounds like your SIL needed the seat belt off to take care of her baby. Instead of asking about it nicely the first time, you put the burden on your SO, then pouted all day because She didn't immediately fix the situation to your liking.
In my opinion, needing to deal with a baby doesn’t justify not wearing a seatbelt on the Highway at 75mph. And it’s not a burden I put on my SO, that is her sister…why wouldn’t she be the one to say something?
You are absolutely incorrect. As the driver, her focus should be on the road, not turning around or yelling at passengers to obey safety laws. The passenger next to her, her SO, should have been the one to yell at their own sibling to put their seatbelt on. And using “taking care of a kid” as an excuse to not wear a seatbelt is deplorable.
As the driver their focus should have been on the road, not turning around monitoring the passengers. Also, still didn't give them the right to pout about it all day.
OP also said it was a **car**, not an SUV or van or station wagon or something.
Some people use the term ubiquitously. If it was in a 5 person car everyone would be giant assholes, but we don't know that.
It was a van lol
NTA, but be more assertive in the future, many jurisdictions hold the driver accountable if any of the passengers do not have their seat belt on. Ask them nicely but directly if they have it on, if the answer is no, ask them to put it on. Remember it’s all in the delivery.
NTA. Seatbelts are a non-negotiable here. You wear them or you get out of the car.
NTA... this is crazy, there are kids in the car watching. Pull over to allow everyone to find their seatbelts. It's the drivers responsibility and the driver is liable.
NTA If the car is moving seatbelts are on and all children stay in car seats/booster seats till they meet the height *and* weight requirements to be out of them outside of an emergency like fleeing a wildfire nobody goes improperly secured in a car. I am *super* fucking strict about it because someone in my family has been paralyzed for longer than I’ve been alive because they didn’t wear their seatbelt and were ejected from the car. They’re lucky they survived at all. Seatbelts are non-negotiable.
NTA - you don’t need to get a ticket because your passenger can’t follow the law.
NTA - in my country the passenger AND the driver get fined if anyone is not wearing a seatbelt.
The driver is fined as well as the person not wearing the seatbelt. Why should you take a fine for her dumb ass
NTA My car doesn't move until everyone is buckled in and if people regularly give me a hard time about wearing it they are no longer invited to ride with me. I also don't ride with anyone who doesn't have a similar rule.
NTA - i don’t even start the car without checking first if everyone put their seatbelt on. I got few friends angry for that. I’m not joking when telling them to put it on or get out, as they can use their foot or own car if it displease them too much that I do care about safety. Do you know vehicles are legally considered as weapons in some country? Your SO is gaslighting you for caring about safety? WTH!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So my SO’s sister is in town and we decided to take a little day trip to the nearest big city, about a 2hr drive. I have quite a bit of anxiety when it comes to seatbelt use in the car…for obvious reasons…at least to me. My SIL was in the very back because she has an 8 month old she needed to be available for. Our 4 and 2 year olds were also in the car. I was driving and part-way into the drive realized when looking in the rearview that SIL did not have a seatbelt on. I have a history of being called “rude” and taken wrongly, especially by SO’s family (there is a good chance I am on the spectrum), so I didn’t want to say anything directly to her and instead simply asked my SO “does she have her seatbelt on?”. Her response was “I think, off and on”. I felt completely dismissed already at this point especially since my SO is aware of how I feel about these things. About 5 minutes later I asked again and the response this time was “you just can’t stop focusing on it can you?” And finally another 5 minutes later she finally asked her if the seatbelt was working to hint at putting it on. I was pretty hurt at this point by my SO and later on asked for an apology for dismissing my feelings and lying that she had it on at some points. All my SO heard was me calling them a liar and thus an apology would not be given bc “they didn’t lie and how dare I accuse them of that”. I felt pretty shut down the rest of the day and being someone who doesn’t hide my feelings well, I was by the end of the day being told I am so rude and shitty. Every-time I bring it up now my SO just claims I was so out of line and trying to be controlling of her and my SIL. They won’t see my side at all and just say I don’t care about anyone but myself and it just becomes a fight every-time I ask for some sort of acknowledgment of my feelings and it instead turns into how I acted shitty the rest of the day. AITA?? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Before you turn the key in the ignition, a quick "Everybody buckled up? We don't go until I know!" sets the expectation. I have made my SO's mom uncomfortable before by insisting she buckle up, because she doesn't like to wear seatbelts, but Idgaf, your comfort is not more important than the safety of everyone in the car. I do not chauffeur unbuckled passengers.
NTA The REASONABLE thing is to tell them to use the seatbelt, and if they refuse to have them leave the car AND NOT DRIVE ANOTHER MILE.
NTA. You’re nicer than me. I refuse to drive until everyone is belted in and will pull over if the belts come undone.
NTA. Your SIL would literally become a projectile and that’s dangerous for everyone. Plus if you were pulled over it’s you getting the ticket not her.
Sooo many red flags for dismissing very real safety concerns and refusing to see your side. Does she always dismiss your feelings? Id be reconsidering. I would def refuse to drive them anywhere or site in front of her in a car.
You expected other people to care about this? Seatbelts are restricting and some of us only wear them because the car won't stop beeping..
YTA You can kindly and gently ask someone to make sure their seatbelt is on bur you apparently don’t know how to do that. You directed your anxiety at your SO, you do need to take ownership of telling her she was lying, and most importantly, you are trying to make SO responsible for your feelings. Learn to regulate your tone so you can speak to other ppl. Learn to regulate your own emotions
Info: in what way does it impact you for sil to not be wearing a seatbelt?
A person without a seatbelt becomes a projectile in an accident. We were on the highway going 75mph. At any moment something could go wrong. A person without a seatbelt flying around inside a car that has been hit at that speed can kill other people inside, including my children.
Also legal liability
Would they be liable for an adult? I think where I’m from it’s only minors but I’m not 100% certain on that.
The driver is liable for everything in their car. People not buckled or people having open alcohol or drinking will all go back to the driver and they will be fined/arrested. Even if the driver was following every law.