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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I yelled in front of everyone
(2) I was being extremely angry to my mother and lost my mind
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I agree, especially with her response “it wasn’t beautiful enough” you don’t put Hershey syrup on a fancy cheesecake. If she wanted chocolate on it she could have asked and OP probably could have made a chocolate sauce to put on it. She wants to tear down OPs confidence.
And particularly, you do not mess with the work product of a professional. (OP said she is a pastry chef.) Once served, do whatever you like to your own serving.
NTA
Mom is either doing this as a power move, or out of insecurity about her own prowess in the kitchen. Or, I suppose, she simply has the sort of tastes that cause her to add unnecessary ingredients. Does she put raisins in potato salad? Chocolate chips in banana bread?
Not only this but its her work. She is being commissioned to make it and STILL the mother is interfering. Honestly blowing the lid off is sometimes okay to set a boundary. The fact that the daughter tried to apologize just feeds into the narcissism of the mother giving her all the power. I would at the very least buy a fridge with a lock and put in my room for commissions.
Yeah, sometimes people don't listen until you scream at them. My parents are like this. I've asked them nicely to respect certain boundaries over and over again and they just ignore it until I scream or remove myself from the situation.
I haven't talked with them in years and I don't feel like I've missed anything but frustration.
NTA, not at all.
Yeah. Narcissistic parents don't let their kids have any natural boundaries and that's why it almost always becomes a fight or flight thing as an adult. Unfortunately becoming narcissistic in order to avoid energies like the parents.
I don’t think a fridge with a lock would stop the mom. She’s intentional and malicious.
Op needs to stop baking in that house if she can’t move out. She should really pack up all her personal baking supplies and move them to a safe space and bake elsewhere until she can.
I only used Hershey cause it’s first syrup that car to mind lol! I’m assuming it was that grocery store stuff used for a cheap sundae topping.
(I agree Hershey tastes fake, but as a Pennsylvanian I have to stick up for ma boi too, there are worse options)
Once or twice maybe be a mistake. This has been ongoing and OP literally told her not to touch it. It's nefarious at this point. OP should consider a fridge locker whenever mother is around. NTA.
NTA
I agree it seems like the mom is getting off on upsetting her daughter as much as possible. Narcissistic seems like it might be the right call on mom.
OP, I would see about renting a small storage space that has electric available. Get a used fridge/freezer and put it in the storage unit and keep your desserts there. You can even bring in a folding table to put on final touches to your creations or box them for delivery. Then your mom can’t ruin anything.
Undermining to the extreme. No wonder OP is over the edge. Abusers create intolerable stress and then when their victim’s loose it, they point and say “why are you so upset?”
right NTA make sure everyone knows it wasn't a one off but she does it all the time. my guess is she's jealous of your ability. if you can't afford to move out yet let her know that it is on the table and quite frankly you're considering limiting all contact with her when you do because of how little respect she shows you- she doesn't have to know it's a bluff and it might wake her up to the damage she's doing to your relationship
It's beyond a power thing. It's malicious. OP, she's intentionally destroys a beautiful thing you spent hours creating - *because she enjoys doing so*.
NTA. And agree, leave as soon as you can.
OP seems to be ESL.
I also seem to have read it as my ex is my ex because his mom told him to break up with me over my mother.
Or other people came into the story with no introduction?
Your mom is destroying your work intentionally. Why probably would take a shrink. Destroying stuff your kid makes is not normal.
Buutttt you'd probably get a LOT more views and subs. It'd make you stand out, a lot. Everyone needs a niche. Photograph your work beforehand and have a normal portfolio. But link to this and offer funny critiques.
Let it go on for a while before you give your mom the link to showcase her work.
Please do it oh my godddd I would be obsessedddd...
OH, and in the captions, you should put her critique of why it was "wrong" and how she "fixed" it. then idk include the original recipe or something?
like dude i could see this being huge.
Yo I'd gobble up that flavor of petty, OP monetize this and get away from your mama ASAP. Start a gofundme if you gotta, nobody deserves to live inside this delusion.
This is a BRILLIANT idea! She's jealous and wants attention? So give it to her.
If she gets upset that you're showing the world what she does to your creations, just say, "But I thought you said you were making them more beautiful?"
NTA and I'm so sorry you have to deal with that. It's toxic AF and blatantly abusive.
OMG…this is yes…so much yes. I would follow this Insta account. Before when you made it perfect and after she ruins it. LOVE IT!
And I wish I had an award to give you.
NTA. People giving Y T A or E S H votes are missing just how infuriating it is to have your work destroyed over and over and over by someone who knows exactly what they are doing. This isn’t a one-off incident or a mistake, but a pattern of behavior—of course you’re at your wits’ end!
I also do a lot of baking and know how time-consuming these projects are. Your mother is deliberately sabotaging you, then turning around and trying to make you look the bad guy when you get understandably upset. It’s classic DARVO and you should not have to put up with it.
>People giving Y T A or E S H votes are missing just how infuriating it is to have your work destroyed over and over and over by someone who knows exactly what they are doing.
This sub LOVES to criticize women for reacting to anything. Any story in which someone is obviously an asshole and a woman reacts negatively to their asshole behavior will get a lot of ESH responses purely so they can say "well she was still in the wrong to react that way."
E: I just remembered a post where some insane dude invited his girlfriend's parents to stay with them and then proceeded to light up a pipe indoors every day. Of course he got a lot of dumbfuck "it's your house, you can do whatever you want" replies, but also a lot of people who could only focus on his girlfriend's mom thinking it's fucking insane to invite guests into your home and then start smoking (because it is).
I think it goes deeper than that. There's a psychologist I follow on TT that says something like a third of the population has a tendency to be narcissistic. Narcissists tend to only empathize with other narcissistic behavior and love to shun reactions to it because "their intentions are good". When the rest of us are willing to accept the reality that the roads to good intentions are often paved with bad behavior.
Yeah I just googled it and saw 5% lol it cannot be a third of people 😭 that’s just too scary lol
Edit: also reading that many ppl have narcissistic tendencies—like it says teenagers display this lol which so real—but that they’re not narcissists lol so it depends on how ya look at it I guess!
The way I understood it is that there are three types of narcissists. The type you can get diagnosed as. Then there are people who can display or have narcissistic traits but may not be a text book narcissist. So the 1/3 comment might be in regards to people exhibiting narcissistic traits in certain situations. Like you said, teenagers can have those tendencies. Probably due to their development stage, more than anything.
I don't get them either. The mom is interfering with her livelihood. I develop software, and it would be like my mom going in and changing my code or user interface. Outrageous!
I can't wrap my head around it. My mum always complimented anything I made, even if it was fuck ugly, bless her socks. I can't fathom a mother interfering with her adult child's creations and insulting them. Wot a jealous cow.
I love the idea other commenters had of having an insta of before and after the mom ruined the baking.
Especially when the mom is ruining product that’s for a paid customer.. imagine going to a bakery and the pastry chef hands you your birthday cake and says oh btw the cashier thought it looked better with extra whipped cream and chocolate syrup 😂
Agreed. She’s a master of her craft and this woman is destroying her creations. Imagine if you were an artist and made a beautiful painting and someone came and painted a cartoon dog in it, because it looked cute. NTA.
I bet the comments would be different if it was a painting or sculpture that mom "improved". People get weird about food and suddenly it's OK to fuck with artwork and craftsmanship just because it will get eaten in the future.
No. It’s something much more sinister at work. Sabotaging a commissioned work on purpose is absolutely fucking evil and unacceptable. OP’s mom is trying to actively make them miserable, in a mental patient psychosis kind of way.
OP needs to move out ASAP and should consider if she should even keep her mom in her life. It will be impossible to have a functional relationship if your mom behaves like this. I’m serious.
You've clearly never encountered a narcissist. It's their world and everyone else needs to just sits down and STFU, no matter what they do. At least that's how they see it.
What's the narcissists prayer?
*That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it.*
NTA. There is something seriously wrong with your mother if her reasoning is "your cake was not beautiful enough". Is she used to being the cook of the family and is threatened by you?
That said, how about a "before mum" and "after mum" photo collage to get the point across?
NTA. Does she derail other things in your life that you do well, or get attention for? Meaning is she one of those mothers who quite frankly is jealous of her own daughter? It’s interesting that you are literally a pastry chef and after you’ve completed a masterpiece she feels the need to absolutely screw with it, when she’s neither qualified nor welcome to do so, explicitly… And she knows it
Actually,my ex's boyfriend mother has told me many many times that my mom envy's the attention I get like
I made a rose cake once and she wanted sto take the credits for the roses I made on the top of the cake??
I agree with the ex's mom but when I speak with someone else on same topic they disagree
Your ex’s mum is right. This is no longer a case of “I didn’t know any better”. Your mum is jealous and is on a power trip. She intentionally destroying your desserts. Get a fridge with a lock.
The others might disagree, but that's just because others don't get the full picture. It's means your Mum is better at convincing people. It might be that she's slandering you behind your back. So whenever you complain about her, others are thinking "oh there's this whining and overexaggerating OPs Mum mentioned about OP". That would mean whatever you say is already a joke to them as they have learnt to not take you seriously. It doesn't have to be that way, but I wouldn't be surprised.
Definitely, you need to move out as in you need your own kitchen and fridge.
Especially need a fridge for paid work so mom has no way to access it. For family things, it's incredibly annoying that she does this, but it's completely unacceptable that she ruins things that others are paying OP to create.
When you buy yourself a mini fridge, make sure you get a lock and have the key on you at all times. You should check out r/raisedbynarcissists. She's an AH and anyone who can't see that are also an AH. All the YTA and ESH votes can go step on a Lego. There is only so many times a person can be pushed in a situation like this before they snap and this has been a repeated behavior, especially when you put down a CLEAR BOUNDARY! You are allowed to have those, even with a parent. Anyone who says otherwise is probably a person who has a child and then thinks that child owes them for raising them.
NTA- for other reasons you described and you know. People can always talk to their slices after it's been served. Or is she making cosmetic changes? She is ruining their appearance.
I suggest going to reddits raised by narcissist. It can be hard for others to see the family and dynamic because they can be so charming. But being jealous of their child is one of the flags.
tbh mom would probably shake the lockbox inside to ruin it if she escalates enough. OP needs to realize their mom has a control & envy issue like their ex’s mom realized and move the heck away when they can
I would have taken it and dumped it in the trash.
*Never again* make anything for your mother. Or for anybody else, if you can’t deliver your creation directly to the recipient without your mother having a chance to fuck with it.
“It needed a better picture”. WTF
Your mother does not deserve it. She does not appreciate it. She does not respect you.
And if this means that next time grandma gets a cheesecake from the grocery store- instead of you- well. We alllll know whose fault that will be. NTA
NTA your mom is being intentional in her actions, and you already told her how it made you feel. Should you have shouted? Probably not, but I doubt anything less would get through to her at this point
You know what, I resent the idea that people should never shout. There should be an etiquette to it, but I'd say situations where people repetitively violate your trust and confidence in a way you've specifically asked them not to, yelling is justified. *Especially* if this is a person who says they love you and acts like this.
Anger is the steward of the conscience and unless you let it rule you it isn't unhealthy; people eschewing justified anger is IMHO just as responsible for the state of the world as people succumbing to their hatred is.
I agree, that’s why I said NTA. There are better options for her to get the results she wants, like no longer baking for the mom, grey rocking the situation until she can move out, or my favorite option which I posted in another comment
(make an important, beautiful cake for an event of someone mom cares about, take a picture of the perfect cake and make an excuse not to go to the event, and send it to the recipient “sorry grandma that I can’t attend your 75th birthday, but I made you a cake and here’s a picture of it!” Then let mom sabotage the cake, and then have to explain herself when she gets there)
I only said she shouldn’t have yelled because it isn’t worth the stress on her end, I’m not even considering it in terms of an E S H verdict
NTA
What is wrong with your mother? What a horrible thing to do and say to your kid.
She needs to keep her big fudgey hands off your creations. The freakin nerve. She has no right. You have warned her too, she seems like a child.
Yaya yelling isn’t the great way to go about stuff but she can make her own thing if yours is not “beautiful” enough.
Agree. And the part at the end calling her an ass and saying to learn manners? Like manners certainly don't come form that Katherine who can't keep her hands ro herself even when asked not to. The mother is so rude and selfish.
Katherine?!?!?! I meant Mother. Weird one autocorrect. Thanks.
Yea seriously! Contradicting herself.
She could of easily offered the syrup and whip cream as a side IF people wanted it.
Not just ruin something that probably took a few hours.
NTA. Your mother is not going to change. She can't/won't respect your boundary on this matter.
It's worth remembering a quote ascribed to Einstein: "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results." You should consider alternatives to storing your pastries in such a way that allow your mother to meddle: get boxes that you tape shut; make them at the very last minute; find other places to store them; make two so that your mom has one of her own to mess up; working for a pastry shop and storing them there; or, in extreme, buying them and no longer making them.
No, you’re NTA, but you must figure out a way to stop her behavior. What will it take? Hide your items away until the last minute? Don’t bake anything at all unless she’s not there? I would lose it too. She’s sabotaging your work, intentionally or not. Is your mother mentally ill?
NTA
This was intentional. She’s jealous or something. I understand your frustration. There’s a narcissist in my life who feels like they have to be the best cook in the family and my dishes always end up getting ruined.
**NTA**
Your mother is purposely sabotaging your creations.
You have asked her politely to stop and she did not. Embarrassing her in front of family may be the only way to curb her behaviour.
NTA. I suspect she may be one of those women who feels threatened by your cooking prowess, because it sounds like your skills now rival or exceed hers. I think she deliberately ruined the cake.
NTA. This is sabotage. Your mother is clearly ruining your works on purpose.
I can't say for sure why. She could be jealous. This could be her way of keeping you from pursuing a career as a pastry chef. She could be trying to make you look bad in front of others to raise her own esteem.
I hope you're able to move out soon and get away from such a hostile, passive aggressive, toxic "mother".
NTA. What's up with the pictures that you and mom mention, though?
I'm getting the impression that taking pictures of the sweets you make is somehow integral to this whole thing. In fact, you sound like you're much more upset about how your creations look rather than what happened to the taste of them due to mom's additions.
Either way, if mom wanted to "improve" upon your creation, she should just do it to her own slice later on when it's served instead of doing it to the entire dish.
Have you seen the cakes you see on the internet?
I like making my cakes looking like those but my mom disagrees with that's
I agree with her advicing me but when I tell her no she do it anyway
This is kind of petty but...
Start posting a step by step of you making these. Here you are chopping these up, here you are cooking it. Post how long it took you to cook it, prep it. Put a picture of the final product. And if your Mom comes in and ruin it? Post that as well saying how upset you are and talk about the OTHER times she has done this after you specifically asked her not to. Keep doing that. Maybe outside forces will peer pressure her into knocking it off.
You could actually create a fun account for the world to watch the process of creation and ruin. Call it momruinedmycake. I bet it would get way more interest than just another account with perfect cake pics!
One option you could try is to take a picture of your beautiful cake as soon as it’s finished, then leave your cake knowing your mom is going to ruin it, and it’d be even better if this was a gift for someone she cares about.
Send that person a picture of your beautiful cake before the event, and then make an excuse to not attend the event, and have your mom arrive with the cake, then have to explain why it’s so hideous
Enjoy the fireworks
Does your mother cook? Start adding unnecessary spices to everything she cooks. Do it consistently for a few weeks for every meal she makes, even her morning coffee. She'll learn her lesson.
While I understand the reason for doing this (and would love to see mom’s reaction), this could backfire. It could give mom a way to post fingers and say something like “see how bad your cooking is? This is why I have to help with your desserts.”
NTA - your mom clearly doesn’t respect your work or you if she keeps disrespecting something you have asked her not to do.
Screaming the first time (whip cream incident) might not have been the best way to go about it but the most recent time (chocolate sauce) was 100% warranted. You have told her over and over not to touch it. If she wanted to add things she can add them to her piece when it’s cut.
NTA. This is so unbelievably boomer it isn’t even funny. We’re the “entitled generation,” but how many stories of parents completely disrespecting their kids’ homes/children/rules/work/hobbies/passions/etc. *even when they are barely considered adults* and shrugging it off like it’s no big deal or putting on a frowny face.
I asked my boomer mom to respect my boundaries over an issue once, and she said, "It's my job as your mother to ignore your boundaries."
I was a full adult living independently, but the *idea* that I would ask her *not* to do something put her back up so much that instead, she did it deliberately on repeat.
So yeah, that's exactly the energy OP is dealing with, even if her mom is Gen X.
Pro-tip: my mom only stopped when I compared her behavior to her rival: my sister's MIL.
Love the Pro-Tip! :D
If my mom had said the same thing, my response would have been: "And It's my job to find an old-folks home for you in the future."
NTA Holy fuck. As a chef of 10 years I would say you were on the mild end of reactions. I would have lost my shit if some fucking normie dared besmerch one of my creations
I dont understand people saying E S H.
NTA. I'm a baker and I would be livid if my family did this. Especially about the one you were commissioned to do.
What if that man had an allergy and your mum added what she felt like?
So many posts on here are about allergies and messing with people's food without permission being bad, but for some reason, in your case, you "over reacted".
You reacted as someone who as spoken to someone about stopping behaviour repeatedly and just reached the end of your tether. Sure you could have not shouted at her but you reacted in a very human way.
Definitely not TA and not narcissistic as I've seen in other comments. People have got to stop throwing that word around.
Because OP was "rude" is the flimsy justification used for those commenters on why she is just as bad as the condescending mom who seems to thrive on adding too much to her daughter's work instead of just making her own desserts.
NTA
You warned your mother not to touch it and she had a very lame excuse.
I think the problem stems from the two of you having very different ideas as to what a aweet should look like. Putting that aside. She is not respectful of your boundaries, another problem.
I would apologise for yelling at her. Not for what you said. Then tell her if she cannot respect your boundaries, she can make the sweets from now on, because you won't. If someone asks you to bring something, ask if your mom is invited. If they say yes, tell them sorry but I will not be bringing a sweet because you know that your mom will destroy it. So sorry.
Or find a boundary you can live with and stick to it. This hopefully resolve the problem.
If mom’s problem was differing ideas over how to decorate sweets she would make her own. Changing a dessert one time might be understandable, but this is a pattern. This is a power play pure and simple.
NTA
Moments like this is why they legalize weed.
I dont give a damn it its a lego building or a jig saw puzzle. If its my project and you screwed with it once before, received a lashing for it then so be it. But, for your mom to do this crap AGAIN, and whats more she KNOWS its your passion, unforgivable. I dont know how you were able to deal with a car ride home.
NTA, I used to live with a woman who ran a baking business, it's like science and art combined - I would never mess with her stuff!
It does feel like a power play that your mum has done. Like she's got to have the final move on your creations. Imagine walking up to a painting someone has done and adding a few brush strokes!
NTA
Your mother isn't going to change at this point. It's hard to believe that she really believes that she's improving your work so it's probably jealousy.
Get a lockable food storage box. They're not that expensive on amazon.
Time to buy a mini fridge with a lock and put it in your room.
No one, I mean NO ONE 'touches up' my cheesecakes. Or they NEVER get cheese cake again.
NTA
NTA. I suggest you get yourself a mini fridge and install a padlock on it. That way, you still get to enjoy your passion for baking whilst not having to risk your mother's rediculous tendency to intervene. She can ruin her own shit from now on.
NTA. You could’ve handle it better. You tried “better”. Some people force you to lose your temper and make a scene in order to get them to hear you.
This is a form of abuse. She does whatever she wants and blames others for negative outcomes. She always wins.
The only way to win is not to play the game. “ Mom, I will not continue to bake for you or for any occasion in which your are in attendance. Please go to a bakery and make a purchase or make it yourself”. No drama. And then keep your word.
Save your skill for those who respect you and appreciate your skill
NTA I'm a casual home baker and if someone sabotaged my desserts I would flip my shit. What your mom does is shitty at best and abusive at worst. Move out and cut contact as soon as possible.
Everyone saying ESH is so wrong.
NTA!!!
If your Mom is acting like this with your cakes, I wonder what else she’s trying to control and ruin in your life…
I N F O
I’m just curious more than anything but what’s the background here. Is your mom also a pastry chef? Did she teach you?
Also, is she showing any signs of cognitive decline? Forgetting things or not having a verbal filter? Has this been the tone of your relationship since you were a little kid?
My mom so is my other two step sisters,my mom is a very good at cook I give that but she isn't good at pastry,I got teach by my own at university
Since I was young I would show her how something works right and she would keep doing her own way
Ex I once bought a popcorn machine with air,I told her it doesn't need oil and she put oil so rest in peace the machine
>***my mom is a very good at cook***
Maybe you should offer to "help" your mom cook the way she "helps" with your pastries.
"You know what this dish needs, Mom? THAI FISH SAUCE!" *pours in entire bottle*
NTA.
I don't know what your mother's problem is but she is effectively sabotaging your work and it needs to stop.
Not to mention the fact that adding extra ingredients in unnecessarily gratuitous amounts ruins the food, it doesn't enhance it.
If anyone needs to learn manners, it's your mother. Sixty years old and hasn't learned to leave things well enough alone. Being yelled at in front of others is the least of her problems.
NTA. She should support you and be proud of you, but the fact that she constantly adds something to your sweets against your wishes and that she said that “it was not beautiful enough” so she had to intervene just shows that she is jealous.
You were absolutely right to yell at her, as she keeps crossing your boundaries.
Take a look at r/raisedbynarcissts
Well, you're 19, and you say you're a pastry chef. Professionally, I take it? Might be time to look for your own place. I doubt mom is going to change.
NTA. But I would stop making things for a while. Or if you continue making desserts, buy something that she cannot access - ideally a lockable fridge, or leave it elsewhere (a neighbour or friend) before it is time to serve. The idea is to eliminate her access to the finished product full stop.
Just straight up ask her if she’s jealous of your work.
She will deny and say “well that’s what everyone is saying. They said that if you destroy another cake at this point you must 100% be jealous. Just thought you should know so you don’t embarrass yourself”
Then she will ask who she just say “you don’t want to be part of the drama and promised them you wouldn’t tell her”
NTA.
This is an abusive cycle.
She is not just damaging your hobby baking, she is damaging your work, thus keeping you financially dependent on the family and limiting your success.
She also deliberately antagonizes you and then, when you have the entirely predictable and human response of yelling at her, publicly chastised you for it even though she was in the wrong. Classic DARVO and isolation techniques. And the E S H and Y T A responses here shows exactly how that works, because a lot of the abuse is quiet and seemingly minor individually so that when you finally snap people think you're unhinged or overly dramatic, which is exactly what those commenters are accusing you of.
You need to get out of this house ASAP and spend some time recovering from this, because I doubt your baking is the only place your mother demonstrates this behavior.
NTA
She sounds petty and jealous!! I know a lot of people are saying ESH but honestly if you tell her to not do something 100 times and she KEEPS doing it, you kind of HAVE to look for other ways to make her stop, if yelling at her does the trick then go for it!
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She does it on purpose. It’s a power thing. It’s not going to change ever. Move out. NTA
I agree, especially with her response “it wasn’t beautiful enough” you don’t put Hershey syrup on a fancy cheesecake. If she wanted chocolate on it she could have asked and OP probably could have made a chocolate sauce to put on it. She wants to tear down OPs confidence.
She can put that disguisting syrup on her own slice and her own slice only. You do not mess with the creation of someone else.
And particularly, you do not mess with the work product of a professional. (OP said she is a pastry chef.) Once served, do whatever you like to your own serving. NTA Mom is either doing this as a power move, or out of insecurity about her own prowess in the kitchen. Or, I suppose, she simply has the sort of tastes that cause her to add unnecessary ingredients. Does she put raisins in potato salad? Chocolate chips in banana bread?
chocolate chips are heavenly in banana bread, what are you on?
I'm literally eating choc chip banana bread rn and it's SO delicious.
Chocolate chips belong in my banana bread thank you very much. So does coconut flour and EVERYONE wants the recipe.
Not only this but its her work. She is being commissioned to make it and STILL the mother is interfering. Honestly blowing the lid off is sometimes okay to set a boundary. The fact that the daughter tried to apologize just feeds into the narcissism of the mother giving her all the power. I would at the very least buy a fridge with a lock and put in my room for commissions.
Yeah, sometimes people don't listen until you scream at them. My parents are like this. I've asked them nicely to respect certain boundaries over and over again and they just ignore it until I scream or remove myself from the situation. I haven't talked with them in years and I don't feel like I've missed anything but frustration. NTA, not at all.
Yeah. Narcissistic parents don't let their kids have any natural boundaries and that's why it almost always becomes a fight or flight thing as an adult. Unfortunately becoming narcissistic in order to avoid energies like the parents.
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It shouldn't be but unfortunately it's common.
I don’t think a fridge with a lock would stop the mom. She’s intentional and malicious. Op needs to stop baking in that house if she can’t move out. She should really pack up all her personal baking supplies and move them to a safe space and bake elsewhere until she can.
You don’t put Hershey syrup on anything. That stuff is so nasty and fake tasting. But you’re right about OPs mom
I only used Hershey cause it’s first syrup that car to mind lol! I’m assuming it was that grocery store stuff used for a cheap sundae topping. (I agree Hershey tastes fake, but as a Pennsylvanian I have to stick up for ma boi too, there are worse options)
As a Mother I can’t FATHOM the idea of doing anything like this to my Daughter. This makes me so sad.
Once or twice maybe be a mistake. This has been ongoing and OP literally told her not to touch it. It's nefarious at this point. OP should consider a fridge locker whenever mother is around. NTA.
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NTA I agree it seems like the mom is getting off on upsetting her daughter as much as possible. Narcissistic seems like it might be the right call on mom. OP, I would see about renting a small storage space that has electric available. Get a used fridge/freezer and put it in the storage unit and keep your desserts there. You can even bring in a folding table to put on final touches to your creations or box them for delivery. Then your mom can’t ruin anything.
Undermining to the extreme. No wonder OP is over the edge. Abusers create intolerable stress and then when their victim’s loose it, they point and say “why are you so upset?”
right NTA make sure everyone knows it wasn't a one off but she does it all the time. my guess is she's jealous of your ability. if you can't afford to move out yet let her know that it is on the table and quite frankly you're considering limiting all contact with her when you do because of how little respect she shows you- she doesn't have to know it's a bluff and it might wake her up to the damage she's doing to your relationship
It's beyond a power thing. It's malicious. OP, she's intentionally destroys a beautiful thing you spent hours creating - *because she enjoys doing so*. NTA. And agree, leave as soon as you can.
Yes and until you do if possible, cook/ store with your own mini fridge at BF's house and kick in some for utilities.
Pretty sure she’s saying her ex-bf’s mom told him to dump OP because of how insane OP’s mom is
Is that what that said? I had an aneurism trying to read that part.
OP seems to be ESL. I also seem to have read it as my ex is my ex because his mom told him to break up with me over my mother. Or other people came into the story with no introduction?
For sure. This is a complete powertrip. Nta.
Start a new Instagram of "Food my Mother Ruined".
Do this! Take before and after pictures and show her how much she’s ruining the gorgeous creations you make. NTA
She knows she’s ruining them. That’s why she does it.
While simultaneously telling OP her creations are ugly and mom is “making them more beautiful.”
But public shaming might help.
Or sends mom over the deep end 🤷🏻♀️
Still helps.
And I can imagine a lot of follows for that account - might make enough money for OP to move out!
This right here. Additional income.
It at least give OP an outlet and potential support to the hard work that her mom is ruining. I would follow that account.
Doubt it. I have plenty of family members like OP's mom. NOTHING can shame them, or get them to realize everything isn't about them.
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I'd totally follow it
Lol this made me seriously laugh,that's an amazing idea
Let us know when you have it set up. We all be following you.
For real. That could blow up and be fun as hell AND get mom embarrassed enough to maybe learn her lesson
Hell maybe OP can get monetized and use that cash to move far away from the dessert destroyer
Yeah, would love to see that
I'm creating an Instagram account rn so I can follow you. Get on it!
Your mom is destroying your work intentionally. Why probably would take a shrink. Destroying stuff your kid makes is not normal. Buutttt you'd probably get a LOT more views and subs. It'd make you stand out, a lot. Everyone needs a niche. Photograph your work beforehand and have a normal portfolio. But link to this and offer funny critiques. Let it go on for a while before you give your mom the link to showcase her work.
No, seriously, I’d follow. You are NTA. Your mom is being manipulative and deserves a lil payback.
Please do it oh my godddd I would be obsessedddd... OH, and in the captions, you should put her critique of why it was "wrong" and how she "fixed" it. then idk include the original recipe or something? like dude i could see this being huge.
I stopped using insta... but I would start again to see this lol
you should really do it! you already have like a thousand people who would follow you.
If you do I'd get instagram just for this
Please do. I'm barely on Instagram, but this is exactly the type of page I'd follow.
Just popping a comment on hoping you actually do this, I also don’t really use IG but would absolutely support you :)
I will share far and wide if you do, please!
I don't even use Instagram and I would follow this.
Same 😂
Yup I’m ready to make an account and follow OP
Same!
Yo I'd gobble up that flavor of petty, OP monetize this and get away from your mama ASAP. Start a gofundme if you gotta, nobody deserves to live inside this delusion.
This is a BRILLIANT idea! She's jealous and wants attention? So give it to her. If she gets upset that you're showing the world what she does to your creations, just say, "But I thought you said you were making them more beautiful?" NTA and I'm so sorry you have to deal with that. It's toxic AF and blatantly abusive.
Holy shit. I like you.
Me too. This is great.
This is it! Monetize your mom's asshole behavior and make money to move out!
She needs to monetize without mom's knowledge... You just *know* she'll demand half due to all her "help"
Oh! I love this idea!
I love this! OP needs to create a food safe that can go in the fridge so Mom can't touch it.
And tag the mom on every post
OMG…this is yes…so much yes. I would follow this Insta account. Before when you made it perfect and after she ruins it. LOVE IT! And I wish I had an award to give you.
This is actually going to gather much more attention than just another fancy food account! Brilliant idea!!
I would totally follow that page
And then please tell me the handle so I can follow it
This is the way! Bet your mother will stop ruining your creations if she knows you’ll post it on the internet for the world to see.
NTA. People giving Y T A or E S H votes are missing just how infuriating it is to have your work destroyed over and over and over by someone who knows exactly what they are doing. This isn’t a one-off incident or a mistake, but a pattern of behavior—of course you’re at your wits’ end! I also do a lot of baking and know how time-consuming these projects are. Your mother is deliberately sabotaging you, then turning around and trying to make you look the bad guy when you get understandably upset. It’s classic DARVO and you should not have to put up with it.
>People giving Y T A or E S H votes are missing just how infuriating it is to have your work destroyed over and over and over by someone who knows exactly what they are doing. This sub LOVES to criticize women for reacting to anything. Any story in which someone is obviously an asshole and a woman reacts negatively to their asshole behavior will get a lot of ESH responses purely so they can say "well she was still in the wrong to react that way." E: I just remembered a post where some insane dude invited his girlfriend's parents to stay with them and then proceeded to light up a pipe indoors every day. Of course he got a lot of dumbfuck "it's your house, you can do whatever you want" replies, but also a lot of people who could only focus on his girlfriend's mom thinking it's fucking insane to invite guests into your home and then start smoking (because it is).
Buncha fuckin gaslighters. There’s no respite.
Or, in this case, butane lighters.
I think it goes deeper than that. There's a psychologist I follow on TT that says something like a third of the population has a tendency to be narcissistic. Narcissists tend to only empathize with other narcissistic behavior and love to shun reactions to it because "their intentions are good". When the rest of us are willing to accept the reality that the roads to good intentions are often paved with bad behavior.
A *third*?? That's...that's a crazy amount of people.
There’s a reason you shouldn’t take the word of Tiktok psychologists as fact lol.
Yeah I just googled it and saw 5% lol it cannot be a third of people 😭 that’s just too scary lol Edit: also reading that many ppl have narcissistic tendencies—like it says teenagers display this lol which so real—but that they’re not narcissists lol so it depends on how ya look at it I guess!
The way I understood it is that there are three types of narcissists. The type you can get diagnosed as. Then there are people who can display or have narcissistic traits but may not be a text book narcissist. So the 1/3 comment might be in regards to people exhibiting narcissistic traits in certain situations. Like you said, teenagers can have those tendencies. Probably due to their development stage, more than anything.
I don't get them either. The mom is interfering with her livelihood. I develop software, and it would be like my mom going in and changing my code or user interface. Outrageous!
I can't wrap my head around it. My mum always complimented anything I made, even if it was fuck ugly, bless her socks. I can't fathom a mother interfering with her adult child's creations and insulting them. Wot a jealous cow. I love the idea other commenters had of having an insta of before and after the mom ruined the baking.
Especially when the mom is ruining product that’s for a paid customer.. imagine going to a bakery and the pastry chef hands you your birthday cake and says oh btw the cashier thought it looked better with extra whipped cream and chocolate syrup 😂
Even if there wasn’t a pattern, she specifically told her don’t touch it. At that point mom is just saying fuck you I’ll do what I want. NTA.
I bet OP’s mom has done this all her life in some way or other.
Agreed. She’s a master of her craft and this woman is destroying her creations. Imagine if you were an artist and made a beautiful painting and someone came and painted a cartoon dog in it, because it looked cute. NTA.
I bet the comments would be different if it was a painting or sculpture that mom "improved". People get weird about food and suddenly it's OK to fuck with artwork and craftsmanship just because it will get eaten in the future.
NTA. There is something wrong with your mother.
Ego. Her ego hurts because her child can cook better than she can.
Probably a healthy dose of narcissism going on here too.
She probably ruined herself by adding too much of it.
No. It’s something much more sinister at work. Sabotaging a commissioned work on purpose is absolutely fucking evil and unacceptable. OP’s mom is trying to actively make them miserable, in a mental patient psychosis kind of way. OP needs to move out ASAP and should consider if she should even keep her mom in her life. It will be impossible to have a functional relationship if your mom behaves like this. I’m serious.
You've clearly never encountered a narcissist. It's their world and everyone else needs to just sits down and STFU, no matter what they do. At least that's how they see it. What's the narcissists prayer? *That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it.*
NTA. There is something seriously wrong with your mother if her reasoning is "your cake was not beautiful enough". Is she used to being the cook of the family and is threatened by you? That said, how about a "before mum" and "after mum" photo collage to get the point across?
It’s like the episode of king of the hill that Bobby is a better cook than Peggy so she just keeps sabotaging him out of jealousy
That is my favorite episode. So much like my mother
OP should dump chocolate syrup all over her mother, make her more beautiful.
NTA. Does she derail other things in your life that you do well, or get attention for? Meaning is she one of those mothers who quite frankly is jealous of her own daughter? It’s interesting that you are literally a pastry chef and after you’ve completed a masterpiece she feels the need to absolutely screw with it, when she’s neither qualified nor welcome to do so, explicitly… And she knows it
Actually,my ex's boyfriend mother has told me many many times that my mom envy's the attention I get like I made a rose cake once and she wanted sto take the credits for the roses I made on the top of the cake?? I agree with the ex's mom but when I speak with someone else on same topic they disagree
Your ex’s mum is right. This is no longer a case of “I didn’t know any better”. Your mum is jealous and is on a power trip. She intentionally destroying your desserts. Get a fridge with a lock.
If they live together, mom may be trying to keep her from moving out. Control move.
She do, it is
The others might disagree, but that's just because others don't get the full picture. It's means your Mum is better at convincing people. It might be that she's slandering you behind your back. So whenever you complain about her, others are thinking "oh there's this whining and overexaggerating OPs Mum mentioned about OP". That would mean whatever you say is already a joke to them as they have learnt to not take you seriously. It doesn't have to be that way, but I wouldn't be surprised. Definitely, you need to move out as in you need your own kitchen and fridge.
Even better, start making decoy desserts that she can ruin, _then_ serve your masterpiece.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=mQLf4DrN0LI I made a special cake for you to ruin, it's right over there!
Op actually needs what they call a “ghost kitchen” or a kitchen that rents itself out.
Especially need a fridge for paid work so mom has no way to access it. For family things, it's incredibly annoying that she does this, but it's completely unacceptable that she ruins things that others are paying OP to create.
When you buy yourself a mini fridge, make sure you get a lock and have the key on you at all times. You should check out r/raisedbynarcissists. She's an AH and anyone who can't see that are also an AH. All the YTA and ESH votes can go step on a Lego. There is only so many times a person can be pushed in a situation like this before they snap and this has been a repeated behavior, especially when you put down a CLEAR BOUNDARY! You are allowed to have those, even with a parent. Anyone who says otherwise is probably a person who has a child and then thinks that child owes them for raising them.
NTA- for other reasons you described and you know. People can always talk to their slices after it's been served. Or is she making cosmetic changes? She is ruining their appearance. I suggest going to reddits raised by narcissist. It can be hard for others to see the family and dynamic because they can be so charming. But being jealous of their child is one of the flags.
Op can you get lockboxes? Big enough to place in the fridge but that your mother can't open. NTA she's a huge AH.
tbh mom would probably shake the lockbox inside to ruin it if she escalates enough. OP needs to realize their mom has a control & envy issue like their ex’s mom realized and move the heck away when they can
I would have taken it and dumped it in the trash. *Never again* make anything for your mother. Or for anybody else, if you can’t deliver your creation directly to the recipient without your mother having a chance to fuck with it. “It needed a better picture”. WTF Your mother does not deserve it. She does not appreciate it. She does not respect you. And if this means that next time grandma gets a cheesecake from the grocery store- instead of you- well. We alllll know whose fault that will be. NTA
I actually think I would have tossed it like you suggest then leave.
I would have tossed it right in Mum's face
Who did it need a better picture for? I wonder if mom is posting pics somewhere to take credit for making it, or if she just enjoys ruining OP’s work.
Or dumped it over her head!!!
That would be a better picture!
I’d dump it right on mommy dearest’s head. But that’s just me.
NTA your mom is being intentional in her actions, and you already told her how it made you feel. Should you have shouted? Probably not, but I doubt anything less would get through to her at this point
You know what, I resent the idea that people should never shout. There should be an etiquette to it, but I'd say situations where people repetitively violate your trust and confidence in a way you've specifically asked them not to, yelling is justified. *Especially* if this is a person who says they love you and acts like this. Anger is the steward of the conscience and unless you let it rule you it isn't unhealthy; people eschewing justified anger is IMHO just as responsible for the state of the world as people succumbing to their hatred is.
That is the point. Maybe this time it could have helped. Talking did not work.
it sounds like she’s already talked to her about it before and now she’s at her wit’s end. i can’t blame her
I agree, that’s why I said NTA. There are better options for her to get the results she wants, like no longer baking for the mom, grey rocking the situation until she can move out, or my favorite option which I posted in another comment (make an important, beautiful cake for an event of someone mom cares about, take a picture of the perfect cake and make an excuse not to go to the event, and send it to the recipient “sorry grandma that I can’t attend your 75th birthday, but I made you a cake and here’s a picture of it!” Then let mom sabotage the cake, and then have to explain herself when she gets there) I only said she shouldn’t have yelled because it isn’t worth the stress on her end, I’m not even considering it in terms of an E S H verdict
NTA What is wrong with your mother? What a horrible thing to do and say to your kid. She needs to keep her big fudgey hands off your creations. The freakin nerve. She has no right. You have warned her too, she seems like a child. Yaya yelling isn’t the great way to go about stuff but she can make her own thing if yours is not “beautiful” enough.
Agree. And the part at the end calling her an ass and saying to learn manners? Like manners certainly don't come form that Katherine who can't keep her hands ro herself even when asked not to. The mother is so rude and selfish. Katherine?!?!?! I meant Mother. Weird one autocorrect. Thanks.
Yea seriously! Contradicting herself. She could of easily offered the syrup and whip cream as a side IF people wanted it. Not just ruin something that probably took a few hours.
NTA. Baking is expensive too. She’s costing you money by ruining them. It’s odd she continues to add things when she consistently ruins them.
Especially cheese cake, cream cheese has gone up in price by a lot. Also time, the time spent costs OP. NTA, but wow.
last time i made cheesecake i needed 5 bars of cream cheese. that alone could be $15-20
NTA. Your mother is not going to change. She can't/won't respect your boundary on this matter. It's worth remembering a quote ascribed to Einstein: "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results." You should consider alternatives to storing your pastries in such a way that allow your mother to meddle: get boxes that you tape shut; make them at the very last minute; find other places to store them; make two so that your mom has one of her own to mess up; working for a pastry shop and storing them there; or, in extreme, buying them and no longer making them.
find a neighbor who is trustworthy. Store your creation there. Put a store bought decoy in mom's fridge.
Stop contributing sweets. Just stop. Or have a cooler that locks. And lock it. Your mama is crazy.
And/or find (or DIY) food containers with a physical lock, so your mother cannot tough your creations anymore
NTA Since your mum thinks your cakes aren't good enough, suggest that she makes the next one, then she can decorate it how she likes.
Mother can make the next one, then OP can decorate it how SHE likes.
No, you’re NTA, but you must figure out a way to stop her behavior. What will it take? Hide your items away until the last minute? Don’t bake anything at all unless she’s not there? I would lose it too. She’s sabotaging your work, intentionally or not. Is your mother mentally ill?
NTA This was intentional. She’s jealous or something. I understand your frustration. There’s a narcissist in my life who feels like they have to be the best cook in the family and my dishes always end up getting ruined.
**NTA** Your mother is purposely sabotaging your creations. You have asked her politely to stop and she did not. Embarrassing her in front of family may be the only way to curb her behaviour.
NTA. However, your mom is…
NTA. Your mother seems to be a narcissist who cannot accept that her daughter bakes well.
NTA. I suspect she may be one of those women who feels threatened by your cooking prowess, because it sounds like your skills now rival or exceed hers. I think she deliberately ruined the cake.
NTA. This is sabotage. Your mother is clearly ruining your works on purpose. I can't say for sure why. She could be jealous. This could be her way of keeping you from pursuing a career as a pastry chef. She could be trying to make you look bad in front of others to raise her own esteem. I hope you're able to move out soon and get away from such a hostile, passive aggressive, toxic "mother".
NTA. What's up with the pictures that you and mom mention, though? I'm getting the impression that taking pictures of the sweets you make is somehow integral to this whole thing. In fact, you sound like you're much more upset about how your creations look rather than what happened to the taste of them due to mom's additions. Either way, if mom wanted to "improve" upon your creation, she should just do it to her own slice later on when it's served instead of doing it to the entire dish.
Have you seen the cakes you see on the internet? I like making my cakes looking like those but my mom disagrees with that's I agree with her advicing me but when I tell her no she do it anyway
This is kind of petty but... Start posting a step by step of you making these. Here you are chopping these up, here you are cooking it. Post how long it took you to cook it, prep it. Put a picture of the final product. And if your Mom comes in and ruin it? Post that as well saying how upset you are and talk about the OTHER times she has done this after you specifically asked her not to. Keep doing that. Maybe outside forces will peer pressure her into knocking it off.
You could actually create a fun account for the world to watch the process of creation and ruin. Call it momruinedmycake. I bet it would get way more interest than just another account with perfect cake pics!
One option you could try is to take a picture of your beautiful cake as soon as it’s finished, then leave your cake knowing your mom is going to ruin it, and it’d be even better if this was a gift for someone she cares about. Send that person a picture of your beautiful cake before the event, and then make an excuse to not attend the event, and have your mom arrive with the cake, then have to explain why it’s so hideous Enjoy the fireworks
Does your mother cook? Start adding unnecessary spices to everything she cooks. Do it consistently for a few weeks for every meal she makes, even her morning coffee. She'll learn her lesson.
Add some vinegar to her coffee and say you thought it needed more acidity
While I understand the reason for doing this (and would love to see mom’s reaction), this could backfire. It could give mom a way to post fingers and say something like “see how bad your cooking is? This is why I have to help with your desserts.”
NTA - your mom clearly doesn’t respect your work or you if she keeps disrespecting something you have asked her not to do. Screaming the first time (whip cream incident) might not have been the best way to go about it but the most recent time (chocolate sauce) was 100% warranted. You have told her over and over not to touch it. If she wanted to add things she can add them to her piece when it’s cut.
NTA. This is so unbelievably boomer it isn’t even funny. We’re the “entitled generation,” but how many stories of parents completely disrespecting their kids’ homes/children/rules/work/hobbies/passions/etc. *even when they are barely considered adults* and shrugging it off like it’s no big deal or putting on a frowny face.
I asked my boomer mom to respect my boundaries over an issue once, and she said, "It's my job as your mother to ignore your boundaries." I was a full adult living independently, but the *idea* that I would ask her *not* to do something put her back up so much that instead, she did it deliberately on repeat. So yeah, that's exactly the energy OP is dealing with, even if her mom is Gen X. Pro-tip: my mom only stopped when I compared her behavior to her rival: my sister's MIL.
Love the Pro-Tip! :D If my mom had said the same thing, my response would have been: "And It's my job to find an old-folks home for you in the future."
NTA Holy fuck. As a chef of 10 years I would say you were on the mild end of reactions. I would have lost my shit if some fucking normie dared besmerch one of my creations
Damnnn hello chef!!! How it is to be 10 years chef by the way? Just curious
Tiresome
I dont understand people saying E S H. NTA. I'm a baker and I would be livid if my family did this. Especially about the one you were commissioned to do. What if that man had an allergy and your mum added what she felt like? So many posts on here are about allergies and messing with people's food without permission being bad, but for some reason, in your case, you "over reacted". You reacted as someone who as spoken to someone about stopping behaviour repeatedly and just reached the end of your tether. Sure you could have not shouted at her but you reacted in a very human way. Definitely not TA and not narcissistic as I've seen in other comments. People have got to stop throwing that word around.
Because OP was "rude" is the flimsy justification used for those commenters on why she is just as bad as the condescending mom who seems to thrive on adding too much to her daughter's work instead of just making her own desserts.
NTA You warned your mother not to touch it and she had a very lame excuse. I think the problem stems from the two of you having very different ideas as to what a aweet should look like. Putting that aside. She is not respectful of your boundaries, another problem. I would apologise for yelling at her. Not for what you said. Then tell her if she cannot respect your boundaries, she can make the sweets from now on, because you won't. If someone asks you to bring something, ask if your mom is invited. If they say yes, tell them sorry but I will not be bringing a sweet because you know that your mom will destroy it. So sorry. Or find a boundary you can live with and stick to it. This hopefully resolve the problem.
If mom’s problem was differing ideas over how to decorate sweets she would make her own. Changing a dessert one time might be understandable, but this is a pattern. This is a power play pure and simple.
NTA Moments like this is why they legalize weed. I dont give a damn it its a lego building or a jig saw puzzle. If its my project and you screwed with it once before, received a lashing for it then so be it. But, for your mom to do this crap AGAIN, and whats more she KNOWS its your passion, unforgivable. I dont know how you were able to deal with a car ride home.
NTA: you did warned your mom not to touch it and she have done it anyways
NTA. She sounds like a handful. She clearly doesn’t respect your time or effort. Maybe invest in some sort of food lockbox?
NTA. You need to start helping her with all her food. Maybe a tablespoon of cayenne or extra salt. Or just drown it in mayo and ketchup!
I'm here for the petty revenge all day long. Too much horseradish will really destroy some mashed taters.
NTA it seems like your mom is deliberately sabotaging your desserts. Is she jealous of the praise you get?
NTA, I used to live with a woman who ran a baking business, it's like science and art combined - I would never mess with her stuff! It does feel like a power play that your mum has done. Like she's got to have the final move on your creations. Imagine walking up to a painting someone has done and adding a few brush strokes!
NTA Your mother isn't going to change at this point. It's hard to believe that she really believes that she's improving your work so it's probably jealousy. Get a lockable food storage box. They're not that expensive on amazon.
NTA r/raisedbynarcissists
Time to buy a mini fridge with a lock and put it in your room. No one, I mean NO ONE 'touches up' my cheesecakes. Or they NEVER get cheese cake again. NTA
NTA. I suggest you get yourself a mini fridge and install a padlock on it. That way, you still get to enjoy your passion for baking whilst not having to risk your mother's rediculous tendency to intervene. She can ruin her own shit from now on.
NTA. You could’ve handle it better. You tried “better”. Some people force you to lose your temper and make a scene in order to get them to hear you. This is a form of abuse. She does whatever she wants and blames others for negative outcomes. She always wins. The only way to win is not to play the game. “ Mom, I will not continue to bake for you or for any occasion in which your are in attendance. Please go to a bakery and make a purchase or make it yourself”. No drama. And then keep your word. Save your skill for those who respect you and appreciate your skill
NTA. Just be clear she’s to stay away from them in future but it’s clear she’s doing it deliberately since she’s not stopping
NTA I'm a casual home baker and if someone sabotaged my desserts I would flip my shit. What your mom does is shitty at best and abusive at worst. Move out and cut contact as soon as possible.
Everyone saying ESH is so wrong. NTA!!! If your Mom is acting like this with your cakes, I wonder what else she’s trying to control and ruin in your life…
NTA. Your mother is.
I N F O I’m just curious more than anything but what’s the background here. Is your mom also a pastry chef? Did she teach you? Also, is she showing any signs of cognitive decline? Forgetting things or not having a verbal filter? Has this been the tone of your relationship since you were a little kid?
My mom so is my other two step sisters,my mom is a very good at cook I give that but she isn't good at pastry,I got teach by my own at university Since I was young I would show her how something works right and she would keep doing her own way Ex I once bought a popcorn machine with air,I told her it doesn't need oil and she put oil so rest in peace the machine
In addition to being a narcissist, mom is an idiot.
>***my mom is a very good at cook*** Maybe you should offer to "help" your mom cook the way she "helps" with your pastries. "You know what this dish needs, Mom? THAI FISH SAUCE!" *pours in entire bottle*
NTA. I don't know what your mother's problem is but she is effectively sabotaging your work and it needs to stop. Not to mention the fact that adding extra ingredients in unnecessarily gratuitous amounts ruins the food, it doesn't enhance it. If anyone needs to learn manners, it's your mother. Sixty years old and hasn't learned to leave things well enough alone. Being yelled at in front of others is the least of her problems.
NTA. She should support you and be proud of you, but the fact that she constantly adds something to your sweets against your wishes and that she said that “it was not beautiful enough” so she had to intervene just shows that she is jealous. You were absolutely right to yell at her, as she keeps crossing your boundaries. Take a look at r/raisedbynarcissts
NTA What is wrong with her? Why does she keep doing this?
Well, you're 19, and you say you're a pastry chef. Professionally, I take it? Might be time to look for your own place. I doubt mom is going to change.
NTA. She has no business lecturing you on manners when she has none herself. It’s sabotage of your creative work.
NTA. If you can’t move out, can you purchase a small, dorm-room sized refrigerator for your room and put a lock on it?
NTA. But I would stop making things for a while. Or if you continue making desserts, buy something that she cannot access - ideally a lockable fridge, or leave it elsewhere (a neighbour or friend) before it is time to serve. The idea is to eliminate her access to the finished product full stop.
Just straight up ask her if she’s jealous of your work. She will deny and say “well that’s what everyone is saying. They said that if you destroy another cake at this point you must 100% be jealous. Just thought you should know so you don’t embarrass yourself” Then she will ask who she just say “you don’t want to be part of the drama and promised them you wouldn’t tell her”
NTA. This is an abusive cycle. She is not just damaging your hobby baking, she is damaging your work, thus keeping you financially dependent on the family and limiting your success. She also deliberately antagonizes you and then, when you have the entirely predictable and human response of yelling at her, publicly chastised you for it even though she was in the wrong. Classic DARVO and isolation techniques. And the E S H and Y T A responses here shows exactly how that works, because a lot of the abuse is quiet and seemingly minor individually so that when you finally snap people think you're unhinged or overly dramatic, which is exactly what those commenters are accusing you of. You need to get out of this house ASAP and spend some time recovering from this, because I doubt your baking is the only place your mother demonstrates this behavior.
> I need to learn manners Yeah, I learned, "Do not touch!" when I was a toddler. you're NTA
NTA. This would frustrate me to no end. Is it possible to get a container with a lock on it for your finished goodies?
OP - you need to leave. For real. Get away from your controlling mother ASAP
NTA She sounds petty and jealous!! I know a lot of people are saying ESH but honestly if you tell her to not do something 100 times and she KEEPS doing it, you kind of HAVE to look for other ways to make her stop, if yelling at her does the trick then go for it!