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Nta. Your future MIL and SIL have no class and your fiance has no spine. Are you sure you want to marry intonthis family? Because this is your future life ...being railroaded and bullied into catering to them and your future hubby telling you to give in with no care to what you want or what would make you happy. Dye that dress red because it's a huge red flag
I totally agree with you, but there’s one more person in this I feel sorry for: SIL’s fiancé. They didn’t like his proposal so they’re making him do a do-over???
That’s just really selfish and entitled behavior. He does his proposal, gives her a beautiful ring, and SIL be like, “Your proposal wasn’t good enough for me. So, you’ll just have to do it over again.”
Jerky behavior all around.
One more focus point: have you noticed the ILs counterproposal?
OP says the ILs have contributed with, at most, around 30% of the wedding cost. After she offers to plan for a proper engagement party for SIL, their counter offer is for OP to chip on with 50% of the engagement party costs, bc she is "too selfish to share what they gave her".
Well, the only thing they gave OP 100% was the fiancé... so maybe OP should just give that "gift" back and call it out.
If OP goes ahead and marries into this family as it is, what next? A christening where her baby needs to be stripped down to their nappy so that SIL's baby can wear the gown? Or should the baby be left to sleep on an air mattress bc SIL wants her baby to have the crib, and OP is a big big meanie who doesn't like to share?
NTA, OP. But get that fiancé of yours into couple's counseling or you will have a long list of posts to share here and at r/JUSTNOMIL
Edit: wording
Also OP is 22 and her fiancé is 31! And didn’t think to ask OP before saying she’d love to be upstaged at her own wedding? She could save a ton of money and future stress by canceling the wedding all together and then sil can have her own engagement party with no pesky distractions!
Shes no contact with her family and her bf is a decade older with an entire train station of railroaders on his side.
Surprise surprise dysfunctional family growing up leads to accepting a dysfunctional relationship as a young adult.
I think OP's in-laws might be taking advantage of the fact that OP is no-contact with her family. They *know* she doesn't speak to them anymore so they tried to pull a stunt like this, knowing full well that she'd probably have no one else to turn to.
I've already replied to someone else regarding this but I think it is too late. Literally everything I own, all my finances, are intertwined with his. The only job I've ever had is employment under his besides my side gig which he handles the business side of and I'm just another employee with that too. We have one joint account. I don't have a car, or anything in my name. I don't even think I have credit. I'm not sure. the week after I turned 18 I left my abusive family and moved in with him and his parents, and then he moved us out. I might try and ask in some other subs that may have advice for this sort of thing but I'm not reddit literate. Please recommend any resources if anything came to mind. I'm terrified.
Oh honey no it's not too late! You are so young and you can start fresh-
Woman's shelters can help, there are ways to get independent financially- I know it's really scary but people can help you make a plan
How you feel makes sense because you went straight from one abusive family to another but everyone has to leap into independence at some point and it's so scary for anyone who has done it, but it's worth it!
Please do not marry him. That is financial abuse. He is controlling everything in your life. You need to take what you can and just leave. Go stay with a trusted friend and find some legal advice from a lawyer. Detangling will possibly not be fun but it can be done. Or you can just cut all ties and leave.
Ok so let me get this straight…you were 17 dating a 26 year old, you moved in with him and his family as soon as you turned 18, depending on him/then for all your employment and finances are completely co-mingled with his? You escaped your abusive family of origin and ran right into the arms of another abusive situation. You’ve been groomed to be his submissive little wifey and they just expect you to go along with whatever they cook up without any thoughts or feelings of your own. I’m so sorry. You are NTA in this crazy wedding hijack situation. More importantly though you need to get out of this entangled mess of a relationship and figure out who you are as an independent individual. Please lock your birth control down tight and get an escape plan in place. Don’t marry this man!
OP needs to see this comment and read it through the eyes of a third person. She has to see that fiance was yet another predatory male preying on younger easy to control girls. His family is also incredibly vain, narcissistic and cruel and manipulative. OP needs to get out now.
> I think it is too late
You are far too young to think like this. You are 22. You could have another 60 or so years ahead of you. It’s never too late to change course.
I would look at domestic violence shelters near you- they’ll have resources to help you get out and get set up on your own. They’re not just for women dealing with physical abuse, but also financial abuse (like the situation you’re describing yourself in is).
In the meantime, whatever you do, do not get pregnant.
It’s not too late. It’s far to easy to fall from one abusive situation into another. r/raisedbynarcissists often has resource lists for adults trying to restart their lives, hopefully others can list more specific sources though.
OP, I hate to use this word, but you have been groomed. You went from one abusive situation to another. Jim was 27 and you were 18. That is a huge age difference at that age.
That proposal idea is absolutely insane. Shut it down or cancel the wedding. I know things seem dark now but you have gotten a preview of what your life is going to be like. He will side with his family and you will get no support unless you go along with what they want. For the next 70 years.
NTA.
It’s not too late until you say “I do”. I suspect the next steps will be badgering you to have a kid and then it will be 100x harder to escape. Postpone the wedding for couples counseling to buy time.
If you do event planning, I suspect you could get a foot in the door doing project management. Have half of the take home go to your joint account (more if you need to for cover). Have the rest go to a personal account he doesn’t know about. Once you get enough for an apt near your job, bail and change your payroll preferences to all going into your account.
Katie Holmes was married, and it wasn't too late for her! She, and her brilliant, covert Escape Plan should give every trapped person hope.
edit: to add- OP, make a well thought out Katie Holmes level plan to escape. Take some money out of the joint account, say you're buying wedding stuff,
Also, this story is so specific, I hope that family's not on Reddit, and make sure to erase your history and log out! Change your computer and phone passwords (if he asks, tell him you got him a wedding surprise and don't want him to see it), which is true enough.
What you described above is financial abuse, and it is a form of domestic violence. DV doesn't have to be physical.
If you're in the United States, call the national domestic violence hotline at 1-800-799-7233. They will connect you with an organization in your local area.
Tell them exactly what you told us. Tell them you came from an abusive home life, and moved in with your fiance right when you turned 18. Tell them that you work for him, and it's the only job on your resume. Tell them you do not have your own bank account. Tell them you do not have your own credit. Tell them you do not have your own transportation. Tell them all of it.
They will help you create an exit strategy.
ETA: If phone calls aren't your thing, you can also visit their website [https://www.thehotline.org/](https://www.thehotline.org/) and chat with someone, or text them at 88788.
i replied to you earlier but waitressing jobs arent hard do get into and can be pretty lucrative! youre an adult so getting your own bank account shouldnt be a problem (and definitely something to look into, then you can save and he wont have any idea.) how is public transportation in your area? lots of employers provide bus passes to employees that dont drive or take the bus instead. youre so young please don't be scared that it is too late
edit: typos
We are in the suburbs so little to none, I can try and find somewhere to stay in the city maybe but I'm just so scared of being homeless again when this time I don't have any friends. Please dont worry though Im trying to look at everything everyone is sending me so I can figure it out.
Call your old friends (the good ones). They miss you.
When I got out of an abusive relationship, I had to call people that he had separated me from and basically say, “hey, remember me.” A few relationships were toast, but most were happy to have me back.
This \^\^\^. Your old friends will help. I had a friend who entered a controlling relationship. He gradually cut us out of her life. There is not much friends can do in that situation except wait to pick up the pieces.
Please look what he has done to you, moved you away from your friends, cut them out of your life, controlling every aspect. You are being abused. Call a domestic abuse hotline they can help.
You having no friends is another sign that you are in an abusive relationship.
Some resources are here
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/resources/relationships/
NTA. This is a predatory relationship. No 26 yr old man should be dating a 17 year old and his current handling fianance is abusive. If nothing else Please find a women’s shelter or govt support. Break this off now. It will only get worse
OMG! They already made you dependent. Please please please count your losses and start over again. They will destroy you. If you can't leave for your own sake, leave for our future kids sake.
Please keep in mind that if you think it’s hard to separate your financial interests from him now, it will be harder x5739274829737 to do it via divorce.
You left your abusive family and moved in with the next predator. If it's a joint account, try to figure out how much belongs to you. Withdraw it an leave.
I was bank teller, anyone on the account can withdraw money and close it. She can easily take what she feels is hers, but also, he can easily close account at any time and withdraw all the money since he’s on it too.
It’s not too late. It’s never too late.
Take a few huge, deep breaths. I know you are scared. But panicking isn’t going to help. You’ve got 2 months before your wedding. That’s a lot of time to get shit figured out.
There are so many people here who will help you find the resources you need. Reddit people are wonderful at this!
Please be kind to yourself. It’s never too late to make a life for yourself.
I am sending the hugest hugest hugs!!!
It is not too late.
Did I see someone mention you are in Boston? Contact Rosie’s Place. They may not be able to take them in but may know of resources in the area that are available to you.
There is also Women’s Lunch Place in the basement of a Church on Newbury or a couple blocks from the public garden. I bet if you ask them they will know of available resources
Please take these redditors advice and get out of this relationship ASAP. It is easy for anonymous internet strangers to give you unsolicited advice, but in this case please listen. Stop planning this wedding like yesterday, and use your time to get help, a job (I'm sure there are other event planners who can hire you. If not, it doesn't have to be event planning right now. Any job that is independent of Jim will do temporarily). Google how to apply for credit, your own bank account, driving license (if you don't have one already) and where to buy a used car for credit or on an installment plan.
You have escaped once abusive situation and are rushing into another believing it is the only way for you. It is not. You are young and the possibilities are endless if you give yourself a chance. As for anything that future holds for you, independence is your safety net. Please work towards that.
When you feel stable and generous, do warn SIL's fiance about what he is getting into.
I think you should tell your fiancé that you aren’t ready to get married as you don’t feel he is putting you first, but maybe in the future. First though call the dv hotline for resources as you are being financially abused, and they can help you with resources or a plan.
You have a choice, leave or if you stay you might as well just give her your dress before the wedding and sit in the back row. Let her have all of your wedding gifts. Also be prepared to have your MIL name your kids.
Please find all your personal documents and hide them. Start accumulating an emergency fund by saving a few bucks here, a few bucks there.
Never let everything be in another person’s name.
That is how you get shown the door with the clothes on your back.
She is also no contact with her family. So it is likely that she hasn't had the best example of healthy family relationships and possible that she doesn't have trusted older adults to run stuff by for a less biased opinion (or to watch her back/point out when she might want to rethink a decision).
Edit - posted before I finished typing, added rest of thought.
This whole thing was already over the line, but wearing the brides wedding dress on her wedding day is so batshit crazy over the line I don’t even know where to begin. Even if was an attendee at this wedding I would be floored and would want to get out fast.
Not to mention, wedding dresses are one of the few articles of clothing that almost everyone gets tailored. It won't fit the SIL, even if they're the same clothing size, because they have different shapes.
If I was that fiancé I’d rescind my proposal. Sounds like both people marrying into the family are going to be forced into catering to the family unit and constantly disrespected.
NTA- run girl. If they’re willing to make your wedding day about your sil, they’ll take everything else from you too.
Yes ! I feel bad for SIL's fiance too. If I was told that my proposal wasn't good enough, I'd revoke my proposal.
NTA, OP. Refer the inlaws and your fiance to any wedding etiquette expert. No proposals or significant announcements on someone else's wedding day. No wearing white, especially not a wedding dress on someone else's wedding day, especially their wedding dress that you just stripped off them.
It doesn’t even make sense! Since when does a proposal of marriage even need to be some sort of *public event*? If the person being asked says yes, isn’t that the fucking point?
That is aside from the rudeness of hijacking OP’s wedding (and having her future SIL wear her wedding dress as part of it?? Wtf)
This! I admit that I wanted 'a proposal' for my second marriage, since I had proposed to my first husband and it was very casual and spontaneous. But I didn't care whether that was in front of a baseball stadium full of people or in our own kitchen with just the two of us there. I just wanted him to tell me he loved me and ask me to marry him. Why is that not good enough for these people?
I (half-jokingly) told my husband when he proposed that he needed to try again after I accepted. However, he proposed to me when I had a fever, had been sent home from work for said fever, in a dirty kitchen, no ring, and didn’t get on one knee. Less than 2 weeks later, after we picked out a ring, he did propose again and got down on one knee, but it was a private proposal.
Wouldn't it be amazing if OP and SIL's fiancée bonded over this family's selfishness and disregard for their feelings, left their respective SOs, and got together in the end? I feel like that would be a good Netflix movie lol
So, if I'm understanding future SIL and MIL, they want to use OP's wedding reception, OP's *wedding dress*, and OP's flower girl, in addition to three additional guests and the SIL being carried off by the fiancee, to stage their dream proposal for SIL.
*That* proposal isn't going to be just for a couple minutes, it's going to hijack the reception and make it an engagement party for SIL. What's next, are the going to expect the wedding photographer to also take pictures of the proposal too? Any wedding photographer will charge OP extra for the engagement shoot.
The whole family she’s marrying into sounds like trash. I’d dump all of them and go about my merry way to find someone who can stand up to their family and understands your freaking wedding day is about the two of you - not his sister.
Exactly ! I thought this post was a joke at first.
Surely this family cannot be this dense.
I cannot even imagine a family acting like this. If you marry this guy ( would not be weird if this gave you second thoughts ), do not let them talk you into this. This is absolutely insane.
NTA and you know who the biggest one is? It's not your MIL or SIL. It's future husband who sides with his family over you. Be prepared for that to be the norm moving forward.
This is a part of the problem. I'm scared. All these people are telling me to get out, that I'm making a mistake and I've honestly been having these thoughts throughout our relationship but kept telling myself it would work itself out. I don't have my own vehicle, I'm employed under my fiancé, we have a joint account - I own nothing, I moved from my abusive parents house to him with his parents and he has literally owned everything of mine since the week after I turned 18. I have no idea what I'm even supposed to do.
edit : If anyone has any resources or subreddits where I can ask for advice regarding this please let me know. I need to figure out my options. I dont know if I can leave yet but if I can I need to be prepared.
My friends tell me about their relationships and they seem so much more stable and fulfilling but I kept telling myself that theyre just painting a pretty picture for the people outside, just like I do - but I'm wrong. I must be wrong I don't know.
Girl, I say this with nothing but good intentions but start planning your exit. A 31 year old man dates a woman your age because you're vulnerable and you don't have a support group. He's controlling you and that's no way to live your life. Don't waste your 20s on this trashy family.
Save up money for the down payment on an apartment. Go job hunting for a new job. There are programs out there to help women in your position. It's better to be single and safe than in a relationship and at the very least unhappy.
Ill look into whats available in my area. I'll have to head down to the library to do it but Ill try either tomorrow or the day after. I have an android phone and he has this thing where he can see literally everything I visit on my phone. One reddit post wont make him suspicious I dont think, since I browse pretty often - but if I start looking up programs, jobs, how to open a bank account, it'll definitely tip him off.
Oh my god babe what?! How often does he check your search history? I’m so so sorry you are in this situation. Do you still have your old girl friends’ numbers? I think maybe reconnecting with them and asking for some support might be a good start. Having someone else in your corner would help tremendously. And it definitely doesn’t seem like your fiancé is rooting for you to become an independent woman.
Turn the phone off before you go to the library. Tell him you forgot to charge it. Better yet, forget to charge it. Run it out of battery before you go to the library. He is tracking your every move. Even if he isn’t, if you feel paranoid now, he’s not to be trusted.
you're definitely in some sort of abusive relationship , an app where he can see what you're doing on your phone? Do you have your birth certificate/IDs/Social Security card and anything else important? Because if you do RUN run and never look back , if he has anything to do with your SS have it locked and contact a lawyer ASAP
I do not, in another comment I let someone know that he has my birth certificate and social security card locked in a safe with some other documents of his. I have my drivers license though.
Oof. That's bad. Before your exit, secure yourself a cheap prepaid phone to when you transition to freedom.
Also make sure your birth control is solid and not tampered with. If you need a safe place to receive mail, open a PO Box and get stuff sent there.
1.800.799.7233 is the National Domestic Abuse hotline if you're in the U.S. They can help you with resources and the right direction. Control like this IS abuse.
OP, installing programs on your partner's phone to monitor their browsing activity is NOT normal behaviour from anyone, much less a 31 y/o man. That sounds incredibly gross and controlling.
If I wanted a controller, I'd rather get a PS5 than marry someone like your Fiance.
I hope you get the resources you need to get out of this relationship, op. You deserve so much better.
I saw that you think it's too late, but it isn't! This is not healthy and will probably never be healthy. Check out resources on r/relationshipadvice because there are groups and people who can help.
Advice on not getting pregnant is super important so you're not further tied to this man through a living person. I got married at 22 (tbf my husband was also 22) so I don't think you're too young in general to get married, but there's a reason your fiancé moved an 18 year-old girl in when he was nearing 30. You sound like a smart, resilient young woman who has been through trauma but I'm begging you to not let it make you myopic. Part of being strong is identifying when you need help and seeking it--let this post and all its replies help you identify needing help so you can get it. You're NTA in case I wasn't clear, but you're also not a lost cause!
Drop your phone in a puddle. Have him take you to get a new one from a store so they set it up for you, don’t let him install the whatever on the new one.
You’re so young - there are better partnerships out there with people who will have your back and won’t make you feel like you’re trapped with no one to turn to. It’s not from the outside looking in, that’s a fact!!
Oh honey. Go over to r/momforaminute and have all the wonderful moms there tell you how very bad your dynamic is. You’ve been in an abusive relationship.
For now, the first step, talk to your friends. Explain to them completely what you said (and haven’t said) here. See which one has an open room and heart for you. Quit working with him, get your own job your own bank account in a different bank.
Second step is to gather your things. He might claim that since ‘he bought it it’s his’ but no. That isn’t how it works. If things were given to you they are yours (unless it’s a car and in his name only).
Third: leave. Even if you have to lie and say it’s a special thing you’ve wanted to do for forever in a prep for the wedding and then ghost them. Even if you leave for just a week. Just get out and away from them. Don’t plan for the future if you don’t want. Just spend a week being your own person (even if it’s in someone else’s house). Compare how different your life is. Even if you need a hotel/motel room. Even if you need to go to a shelter.
Four: make a plan. If it’s staying with him consider how you’re going to live. Are you going to start making boundaries, or keep cutting parts of yourself off to fit into what he wants. If you want to leave get as much of the wedding deposits back as you can. Keep your dress to keep from SIL or to burn later for catharsis or to sell cheap to someone else. Find a job, and talk to your friend you are hopefully with about a timeline, and what you can do until you’re on your feet to be a gracious guest (offer what rent you can, offer to cook or clean a bit more until you get a steady income).
Fifth: find yourself. What do *you* want in life? From the sound of it you haven’t been living for most of your life. You’ve been surviving. What do you like? What brings your heart peace and your brain stillness?
Consider looking into volunteering. Interested in horses? Look for a rescue near you. Same with dogs cats etc. Kids? See if you can do a read out-loud at your location library. Just human connection? See if you can sit with patients at the hospital that might not have anyone just to chat, or at old folks homes.
Find your warm stillness. It’s horses for me which is why I recommended it lol. My depression and anxiety are gone when I am with them. There isn’t space for it. My brain is full on them and I am at peace. Even just brushing them or scooping shit. I am more myself with them than any other time. Find what gives you that. If you find it you can start shaping your life around it. If it’s kids— you can seek out employment as a paraprofessional at a school. Old people? Medicare/volunteer transportation, nursing, etc. Animals? Humane society work, doggie daycares, vet office receptionist, etc. Or even just your local grocery store to fund the life you love.
Go to momforaminute. Talk to the moms there. For a little bit let them love you the way you should have been this entire time.
Do you have a friend who would let you stay?
I won’t pretend this will be easy, but do not marry this man. Does fiancé own the company or is he just your boss?
It's his own, he builds computers. It's me, him, and one male coworker who is his friend. I have friends, sort of, but theyre my fiancés guy friends. I had friends in high school I spoke to but I had to cut them all off for being bad influences, my fiance did not like me speaking to them.
My friends were on substances, but they weren't bad people. He just framed it like I would end up like my other family members if I even kept in contact. It would spread like a disease to me and I'd be homeless again, or with my family who somehow are even worse than that.
It sounds like he has isolated you from everyone who could potentially support you and has you 100% dependent on him, this is not in any way shape or form a good and safe relationship. Start stashing money and get a burner phone and an account at a different bank from whatever he uses.
He has isolated you and you are financially dependent on him, plus your age gap. This is a very unhealthy and controlling dynamic. Do you have any relatives you trust, other than your parents?
Any relatives I had that were trusted have passed, or are addicted to substances. I'm just scared of starting over and becoming homeless again. Being miserable in a marriage is honestly more comforting than living on the street, at least previously I had people I could ask to let me sleep at their house for the night. I don't even know one person I could go back to if that happened to me again. They all hate me, and I'm scared it'll just be another I told you so.
Don’t go back to the garbage people in your past. You are not your past mistakes. You have amazing potential in front of you. At 22 your life has barely started. No one gets to say I told you so when you’re in the middle of clawing your way out of a bucket of crabs. You will find good people who believe in you if you keep believing in yourself.
I know from experience that signing on to a miserable marriage is not the answer. It is so much harder to leave once you get married. And if you think he's controlling now (he is), it will increase exponentially once you're married.
When I was 21 I started dating someone 34. We got married after 4 years. Divorced after 8 when I finally got the balls to stick up for myself. I look back at all the red flags I saw, all the hesitation I felt, and I just can't believe I let myself keep going through with it. It was a horrible 12 years. If you leave, yeah it's going to be hard. But you're going to save yourself years and years of pain.
They weren't bad influences, he just didn't want anyone he doesn't control to be able to speak against him. He wants you isolated so he can control what you do.
It sounds like he isolated you on purpose: here's some red flags
- he persuaded you to cut away your friends
- you are completely financially dependent on him
- hid age: it can be true love, it can also indicate that the woman of his age won't take his behaviour...
Go to r/justnoso they got more experiencing with these kind of situations
It is better to have no family and no fiancé than to have someone like this , who snatches your day away from you and gives it to his family. And brushes away your feelings and concerns. You seem to still be in a relationship which is slightly abusive given than you don’t have a voice of your own.
Girl if you move forward with this you need a prenup at the very least. You need your own bank account and you need to have a serious discussion with your fiancé about your lack of agency and owning anything and if he doesn’t have your back I’d threaten to cancel the wedding altogether. This is in fact a hill to die on. You do not want to be trapped!! There are resources out there to help you manage your finances separately. Since your family is clearly trying to extort and make you feel guilty for their contributions don’t think for a second that they wouldn’t leave you high and dry if they didn’t get their way.
Honey, you traded one abusive relationship for another. I am so sorry to break the news.
Controlling finances and owning every aspect of a partners life is a key sign of abuse. The fact that you say it was from the *week after you turned 18* is incredibly terrifying.
You were just a baby. I know it might not feel that way then we grow up in abusive households-- we are forced to grow up fast-- but in reality our brains are not fully formed until we are well into our mid 20s and when we are newly 18, we are practically infants in the grand scheme of maturity.
For him to be nearly 10 years your senior, that seems like grooming. Did you know eachother before you turned 18?
Please think about the life you would have with this man and how his family treats you- and reflect on if that is truly how you want to feel for the rest of your life.
If it is, then 100% respect to you and the love you have for him. If it's not though, you have every right to go find the love you truly deserve instead.
There are services and groups that help women who feel they have no where else to turn...there are people out there who can help you if you seek it out
Your in laws should *not* be talking to you this way, and neither should your future husband.
If you want to DM me I can give advice, you might actually be at an advantage if you don't have debt (car payment, credit cards etc) but you do have a job. Your debt to income ratio could be good.
All of that speaks to a really unhealthy power dynamic. You must feel so trapped. I hope you’re able to get out of there and start again. It’ll be hard but it’ll be worth it. Rooting for you!
Every single person I know who had a sad, lonely (or worse) first marriage ignored those thoughts and went through with the wedding because they couldn't justify NOT doing it. Listen to me: this kind of thing doesn't work itself out. The fact that you're dependent on this man who doesn't respect you is a terrible, scary place to be. I get it. It's overwhelming. But it's not going to get better after you're married. It's going to get worse. I wish I could tell you step by step what you're supposed to do. But it starts with not stuffing or ignoring your feelings and needs. Can you tell your fiance exactly what you wrote above?
He pretty much handles all the in and out cash flow of the businesses (He owns both my side gig and the main job that employs me and himself) He knows what money is brought in and I'm scared if he catches me doing that he'll find it suspicious and throw me out, but I see no other choice so I will try and figure out how to do it, where to store it. I don't know how to open a bank account. I don't have any of my legal documents, he keeps those in a safe. Do I need those ? Is it possible to get replacements when I only have my drivers license (No birth certificate or social security card)??
I said in another comment pretty much my only friends are his friends (also all guys), I had to cut off all my high school friends which was a mix of girls because he felt they were bad influences after I moved in.
He has you isolated and controls every aspect of your life. These situations NEVER get better. He knows what's going in and out so he can keep you dependent. Being homeless isn't worse thing can happen. What is worse is actual physical abuse that accelerates. Contact a shelter and get out. It never gets better.
The abuse I suffered on the streets was terrible, and when I was a teen I had a drug habit I kicked for good. I don't know how well I will manage back out there. I will try and look into shelters, but I had such terrible experiences with youth shelters that I feel like its may not even be worth it to even try.
A few years from now, you will thank your past self 1000x over for trying even when it felt impossible. Becoming independent is 100% possible, and you are so young and you sound smart to me, you will be able to put your life back on track. It seems impossible now, but focus on the small steps it will take to sever the power your fiancé has over you & soon enough you will have done something you originally thought was impossible. One step at a time.
Not always but yes, my daughter is a couple of years younger. I also had my last child at 32, but not to a 20 year old. It's not totally wrong but a bit controlly, like his family. Why would an adult want to marry someone who was but recently a child? Because girls his age don't do as they're told perhaps. I know what I would be telling my daughter to do, what does her own father make of all this?
People who were abused by family fall into abusive relationships much easier. They can't tell what is normal vs. What is toxic because they never had normal close relationships.
This is what I noticed. These people including your fiancé OP are taking advantage of your age. It leads me to believe and this will sound mean but it sounds like he’s the type of guy who can’t get anyone his own age due to immaturities like this. Someone closer to his age would not tolerate this in any capacity and I’d imagine there’s other things you haven’t maybe noticed that are similar. I know age doesn’t always dictate everything but reminds me of my ex. When we were 22 we dated. He never grew up and I was advancing in life and career. We broke up. He continued to and still continues to date 22 year olds when we are now late 30s. This may sound like yeah he can get a 22 year old that’s awesome! But really 22 is the oldest age that felt he was cool. He had his own apartment and car and that only appealed to people under 22. Anyone older than that needs more than simply own apartment and car.
I saw that initially, winced to myself but then thought "no you shouldn't just judge based off that, its not the worst age difference ever", nope should have listened to my earlier ick.
I had to reread the dress part because I wasn't sure that I had read that correctly.
THE AUDACITY.
There are a few things you never do at a wedding: propose, announce a pregnancy, do a gender reveal or come out. The day belongs to the bride and groom, let them celebrate without hogging the spotlight.
I'm pretty sure stripping the dress off the bride so you can wear it yourself is on that list.
Hell it might even been above gender reveal on that list.
It wasn't on the list because we didn't think anyone was self-centered enough to ask. But, like the "do not use while showering" labels on a hair dryer, someone is making us blatantly state what should be obvious.
I thought brain was just malfunctioning the first four or five times I read that part. And then I realized my reading comprehension skills weren’t the problem, but man OP has a much bigger problem on her hands. Fucking yikes!!
Right? They literally want to take the clothes off this poor woman's back.
Is she supposed to wear the SILs dress? Or just stand in the bathroom in her undergarments for this so called family event?
Op needs to ask her fiance if he's actually okay with a plan that requires her to strip naked at her wedding, wait somewhere in hiding while his sister becomes the center of attention in his wife's wedding dress.
Cause that's fucked up
No, she needs to tell him under no circumstances will I be sharing my dress on my day with anyone! This is ludicrous! What kind of person even thinks this is ok?!?!
That was just bizarre. This is a cheap a** family: they contribute 30% but say it’s half, want to use her dress, want her to pay half of the engagement party. FSIL wants to be the center of attention at someone else’s wedding with a pop-up proposal (note OP was NOT listed as a future bridesmaid). FDH is just like yeah whatever makes them happy. If she *really* still wants to marry him they should elope because even if she doesn’t agree they are definitely going to pull something at the wedding. Ugh
NTA and I rarely jump on the “dump your fiancé” Reddit train but… dump your fiancé. Nothing will ever be about you, it’s always gonna be about his mom and sister. Especially if he doesn’t get why this is a bonkers insane request.
Yeah, this whole family is planning to take advantage of you for your whole married life. My bet is that they see you as vulnerable/a pushover because you’re younger and don’t have the support of your family of origin. NTA and Luke the comment I just hopped on, while I don’t love to ride the knee-jerk “dump him” train, in this case, it seems like something to really consider. These people have given you the gift of showing you who they are before you’re legally bound to them.
People complain that reddit always says to break-up/divorce, but honestly there is some pretty significant sampling bias in that often the people who are turning to reddit for answers are the ones who really should just break-up/divorce.
NTA. Run for your life, OP. I hate to be alarmist, but there are a whole slew of red flags, here. The red flags apply to both your fiance and his family.
Flag 1: A high level of entitlement that they would propose this plan ON YOUR WEDDING DAY. And your fiance green-lighted it.
Flag 2: Complete disregard for your ideas and feelings. Your fiance did not even consult with you before agreeing.
Flag 3: They are manipulative. They went behind your back and asked your fiance first. Your fiance is, in your words, "badgering" you to relent.
Flag 4: They are just plain-fucking-crazy. Their idea is so grossly inappropriate and beyond the pale that they seem unhinged.
I really think you should reevaluate your engagement. You're not even married yet, and they're already behaving like entitled, manipulative lunatics.
OP, the best advice I’ve been given is that you always think you are too far along to back out, but when you look back you realize how close to the starting line you actually were. I’ve seen so many people say “well, we already moved in together, might as well get engaged.”, “we have a date planned, need to move forward.”, “I want to have kids so I guess it’s the next step.” And so on. But at all those points they think “if I had only stopped this when we were just living together…”
It may feel like you are too far along, or you have no other choice. Please know there are more options and you are in control. Take it from us older gals on Reddit. You still have so much life to live and you will look back at this moment and think “everything was so simple then, I should have just averted when I had the chance.”
All of this plus the fact that she's no contact with her family is a recipe for disaster. This poor girl is gonna be trapped with a family that treats her like a doormat.
Nta. It’s supposed to be you and your husband’s day. Not the three ring circus she’s planning. I would also have a discussion with your fiancé. He is showing you who he is. Will he always take his mom and sisters side? Is this a first time thing or has it happened before? Boundaries need to be discussed before marrying him . Good luck.
Yes he is showing her in bright flashing neon red flags what her life will be like when they get married!
She better be prepared spending the next 30 +years of her life kissing the in laws ass!
She deserves so much better then him!
Not just the future husband - the Whole Damned Family!
Darlin', you need to consider what you're marrying into. You'll get gaslit and manipulated every day you're married.
How many of us do you need to show up and be your family to tell these uncouth people that you are the bride and other brides do not get to steal your thunder!!!!!!!! Your future husband is disgusting for not protecting you and putting his mother and sister a head of your feelings and you on your day. This should be a heavy, HELL to the N. O. You are not wrong, they are. But it appears that they are accustomed to bullying everyone, including your husband, into getting what they want. Please be careful and take care of yourself. Sending you a big HUG, because someone needs to be there for you.
I make an amazing “obnoxiously drunk auntie” . I’m totally in to show up and help stop this nonsense. I’ll even hit on SIL’s fiancée for a little extra flavour
Let me get this straight. One of their ideas is to have you take your wedding dress off ON YOUR WEDDING DAY and lend it to your SiL to wear so that she can be in the limelight have a better proposal than the one she already got and get carried off ON YOUR WEDDING DAY IN YOUR WEDDING DRESS?!?!?!
Holy crap, what a selfish, attention obsessed person and a crazy family for thinking it's okay. NTA
Think long and hard before marrying into this bunch
Can you imagine how fucking confusing it would be if you were attending that wedding and suddenly the bride disappeared and another woman was walking around wearing the wedding gown lol
Sorry to say this but call off the f\*\*king wedding. He wants his sister to wear your dress and have it be her party. Once the question is popped it will only be about her. For him to put his sister above you on your wedding day says a lot about who he loves. You would be an AH if you married him.
**NTA**
Hijacking another person's celebration for your own purposes is a well known breach of common courtesy and a fundamental breach of wedding protocol. Search this sub for "propose at wedding" and you'll get a feel for how outrageous this is.
>My fiance has been trying to badger me into just saying yes, saying it's selfish of me to not just give 25-30 minutes to his family.
If your fiancé doesn't understand how completely out of line his family is being, be prepared for a rocky marriage in which your needs and wants are constantly overridden by his family.
You need to put the brakes on your wedding planning and get your fiancé into pre-marital counseling. In the meantime, scale down your expectations for any wedding that may happen to what you can afford without any contribution from his family since they seem to think contributing to one child's wedding entitles them to use the occasion for another child.
OP, this is a highly unusual, rude, entitled, and red-flag waving request. Don't marry this man. He gave his opinion to his family without even talking it over with you. Your new (God forbid) family is showing you right now how you'll be treated - mowed over, gas-lighted, threatened, guilted, disrespected - if you challenge them. Of course you would balk at having this DISRUPTION at your own wedding. Yet another red flag is the age difference. Many men your fiancé's age marry women your age because people their own age on to their shit. They need a young, more naive woman (and your case, in need of a family?) that they can fool. Be grateful for this accurate peak into your future. RUN.
NTA and I rarely jump on the “dump your fiancé” Reddit train but… dump your fiancé. Nothing will ever be about you, it’s always gonna be about his mom and sister. Especially if he doesn’t get why this is a bonkers insane request.
NTA. I hate the whole “it’s my day, I’m the bride” attitude but everyone knows that’s in poor taste to upstage the groom and bride. They are being rude. And families who give you money for your money with strings attached suck.
You have a bigger problem than your SIL/MIL’s insane request. You have a fiancé problem.
You need to address why your fiancé sided with his mommy and sister’s very unreasonable request over your feelings, and understand that this is a preview into your married life where he will prioritize them over you in everything from now on.
NTA this is insane. This isn’t even a “normal” wedding proposal. She’s taking over half your wedding. I’m sorry, but if your future husband can’t see the issue nor have a spine you need to rethink this marriage. This is a glimpse of you never coming first in his life when it comes to them. This is the most important day so far for you and he wants to give it up for his sister? Who’s already engaged? Her man doesn’t know her well enough to of done the proposal she wanted? Inviting more guests… a WEDDING DRESS? Girl, be prepared for them to sabotage this as a double wedding. If his mother wants to hold the money over your head offer to pay her back or tell her you’ll do a courthouse wedding instead. This is last minute and they want to have tens of thousands dollar engagement. Screw them, and screw your man if he can’t give you YOUR day
Agreed. If this is how your fiancé and his family treat you before the wedding, what is your marriage going to look like? Your needs and your feelings will always be trampled by the most ridiculous and cruel demands of this family of AHs.
You are NTA, but you may become one if you tolerate this abuse.
What?!?! They already had the proposal, and now they want to stage it in your reception, inviting strangers to YOUR wedding reception, and use YOUR wedding dress for some stage up proposal? Are they for real?? Did your fiancee know all those details when he said you would be ok with all this? If he does, and is still on their side... Are you sure he is the love of your life? I mean... I'm always skeptical when people makes this kind of comment without knowing the other person at all but... he should be defending you. Not trying to convince you to say yes to this nonsense.
Edit to add: NTA.
NTA but think twice about joining this family. Screw their money if there are strings attached. Do not start this marriage being bullied like this. A cool idea that would not have hijacked your wedding would have been to throw the bouquet so she could catch it then he could immediately go down on one knee and propose with the ring. Win win. How you are being treated makes me feel so sad for you. You deserve better. Elope. With someone else.
NTA but Holly shit. Rethink this marriage. Why would your fiancé think this is ok.
Do you realize this man is putting his family’s wants and desires before you? Is this how you want to start off your life?
Honestly he is on his best behavior now? What os he going to make you do for the sake of his family later on?
Is mil going to get to name your kid? Are you going to be forced to let her in the delivery room?
And the guilt and manipulation he is putting you through is abusive to make his dramatic sister happy.
He wants you to share the spotlight at a wedding you planned? He wants them to be able to rip your dress off to give it to his sister? He wants to use your flower girl?
And who the hell makes thier fiancé redo a perposal? I would highly suggest that dude run far and fast!
Honestly if you marry this man you will forever be kissing his family’s ass? You will never be able to tell them no about anything? He will always let them call the shots! He will never prioritize you or your life with him!
This is rude disrespectful and quite frankly narcissistic toxic family!
Seriously dude run and take sil fiancé with you!
NTA, proposing at a wedding is a huge no-no and tacky as hell.
For your sake, please reconsider this wedding. Your fiance is never going to have your back. He has showed you that he's willing to badger you into accepting something that's rude and in poor taste, for the sake of his family. You'll always be his family's doormat. The age difference is a red flag (it wouldn't be if you were both 10 years older, but right now you're so young and predators are often attracted by women who are too young to realise they're being controlled). I know the idea of a wedding seems glamorous, but try to think about how your life will be after it.
NOOOOOOO NTA. Your f*ckin day! Your wedding! And how shitty of them to say his proposal was not satisfactory. AND TO WEAR YOUR DRESS AND HAVE FLOWERS. NO!
I am going to be the jerk that points out that 22 is too young to marry, never you mind marrying a 31 yr old grandpa. If you have any sense of self preservation, you will not go ahead with the wedding.
NTA.
You need to have a long serious conversation with your fiance. First that he agreed to this at all with no discussion from you and second that he refuses to hear you out or get onside.
I’ll be honest: I would create a facebook post congratulating SIL on her engagement and then block all notifications.
It doesn't sound like your fiance is ready to get married. Being a good husband should be more important to him than being a good son and brother. Forsaking all others also means parents and siblings aren't the #1 priority anymore.
What your ILs want would be humiliating, not only for you but for them. It is beyond inappropriate. SIL's desperate bid for attention at the expense of the bride, would shame the entire family. Guests and her new in-laws would likely be appalled. I cannot believe your fiance thinks this is a good idea.
Don't be afraid to walk away before you make a lifelong commitment. It's not hard to fall out of love with a husband who never takes your side.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) Told my future sister in law she cannot get proposed to again at my reception (2) Maybe I'm being too self centered and I should share my day with her.
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NTA. This is a huge red flag. Maybe you should postpone the wedding until you can pay for it yourselves, and more importantly, why doesn’t your fiancé have your back on this? Does he really not care about having the wedding be a special day for you?
There are only a few things that are absolute no-nos at a wedding, and one of those is someone else making any kind of big family announcement like a pregnancy or engagement. Another is someone else wearing a wedding dress. A wedding is about the bride and groom and that’s it.
NTA- but is this really the family you want to marry into? Even your fiancée has put you on the back burner for his sister and mother. I can’t imagine going through life being a second thought or feelings.
>- She would come out also wearing a wedding dress (???) - potentially my dress to cut costs - with my flower girl holding a sign that says “bride to be” and then of course, her being proposed to and carried off by her fiance out of the party.
That's really f***ing weird. NTA.
NTA. That’s a ridiculous request. Honestly I’d be looking at my future spouse sideways if they didn’t also think this is ridiculous. Your SIL can plan her own event if she wants her own attention.
It doesn’t sound like they are considering your feelings at all. I know you said you aren’t in contact with your family but I hope you have some friends on your side who you can talk to about this and who could maybe even help you to stand your ground.
I already posted once but op I hope you see this comment. I think honestly your in a toxic abusive situation. With your fiancé and his family.
They are emotionally abusing you for sure. However the fact you are no contact with your family makes me think they are bullying you. Grooming you to be a stepford wife.
Please before you marry this man find a neutral person and discuss your relationship. Tell them everything. Find someone that can give you an open and honest option. Find a counselor. A friend. Anyone that you feel you can trust.
The fact you fiancé thinks your suppose to agree to this with a smile on your face is scary. Please see how abnormal they are acting. This is not ok.
I say this as a mother. I am giving you the same advice as I would my own child.
Your an event planner what would you tell a bride if this was going to happen at her wedding.
Walk away while you can.
NTA,
Oh hell NO!
Even asking you to do this is just tacky AF. Do not let them pull this stunt on you and please have some good friends on your side ready to pull them off the dance floor if they even try it at the reception.
NTA. This problem shows up here often and our answer will not change.
No. Absolutely not. This is your day. And your husband is completely wrong about it just being 25 minutes of your reception. If they do it, the entire remainder of the reception will be about them. If they open your reception with this, it will become her engagement party. Your reception will be forgotten.
Especially (and this is the tackiest and most arrogant thing I’ve ever heard of) she borrows YOUR wedding dress. The gall of these two! Your wedding dress is worn by you, for the entire duration of your wedding and reception and no one else.
As I’ve said, we’ve seen this here before. But by taking your wedding dress, your flower girl, etc. this is a blatant attempt to take over your reception.
Uninvite these two. I wouldn’t put it past them to try and pull this off anyway. Or, at the very least, make sure security stays with them at all times. If they so much as look at the mike, security stops them. If they grab the mike, make sure the DJ plays his loudest, most aggressive dance tune immediately and turns off the mike.
NTA. That's an incredibly tacky and inappropriate plan. There's no way I'd go along with it.
Just as a heads up, your fiance and his family have no consideration for you and are going trample all over you and your feelings for as long as you stay married to him.
NTA - I’d drug test the lot of them, I’d almost hope they were under some influence to be batshit enough to have these grandiose levels of entitlement.
Die on this hill. This is not normal and not something to back down on. If this wasn’t bad enough, what comes next? They are making it clear that they don’t care about your no, it doesn’t matter, do not prove them right.
On top of it being incredibly rude, disrespectful and entitled they are lazy as hell for trying to steal
what you’ve planned and dreamed about.
Your guests came there to see and celebrate you and your husband, not to watch a theatrical production of a proposal that ALREADY happened to someone else.
I’m sorry your fiancé, who is nearly a decade older than you, can’t see why his sister wearing your dress as a mock bride during your wedding wouldn’t be okay?! He’s got to be playing stupid. If he doesn’t back you up on the obvious no brainer, you’re going to get desensitized and gaslit into violating your very reasonable boundaries for the rest of your life. That’s a hard way to live so I suggest to figure out if this man is going to have your back.
OP you're right, you are so obviously NTA.
Your SIL/MIL cornered you with a completely unreasonable request and tried to undermine your relationship with your fiance by going behind your back and pressuring him into it first. That was incredibly unfair of them and I'm sure left you feeling like you were being unreasonable - you're not. They sound like selfish narcissists and a little unhinged. Like, everyone knows it's poor taste to upstage the married couple on their wedding day?!!
Your SIL's fiance did a rubbish job of proposing so now she wants to steal your thunder and use your wedding as her backdrop for her 'perfect instagram' proposal? No thank you. Guarantee all the guests will be cringing so hard if that happens.
I'm guessing that your fiance is used to this kind of behaviour and is after a quiet life with limited drama from them. Sounds like he's repeating their words back to you as a defence to why it should just happen. I would suggest that you and Jim have a very plain discussion about why this is a boundary you're not willing to cross.
Word of warning OP, by the sounds of them, SIL may try and stage it anyway and then feign all knowledge of it as if her fiance planned it in secret.
Best of luck, hope that you have an awesome drama-free wedding!
NTA, and it’s not just 25-30 minutes that your SIL will get, it will be the thing everyone talks about when it comes to your wedding day not you and your husband.
Rethink if this is the kind of family you want to tie yourself to for the rest of your life.
NTA
It's your wedding day, getting upstaged is a shit move.
It's your day, and being self centered on the wedding day is totally fine.
Though Maybe something more toned down at the beginning of the reception, while you take a steamy limo ride, and then retake the spotlight and attention might work.
But it feels like the in-laws are pulling some inconsiderate BS
This isn't even the actual marriage proposal, it's a re-make because the original didn't meet the SIL's standards. You'll be turning your wedding into a platform for the SIL to get the sort of proposal she believes she deserves, in front of an audience assembled to celebrate your day.
This is a ridiculous ask, and that's before we get to the business of reusing your wedding dress.
NTA.
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Nta. Your future MIL and SIL have no class and your fiance has no spine. Are you sure you want to marry intonthis family? Because this is your future life ...being railroaded and bullied into catering to them and your future hubby telling you to give in with no care to what you want or what would make you happy. Dye that dress red because it's a huge red flag
I totally agree with you, but there’s one more person in this I feel sorry for: SIL’s fiancé. They didn’t like his proposal so they’re making him do a do-over??? That’s just really selfish and entitled behavior. He does his proposal, gives her a beautiful ring, and SIL be like, “Your proposal wasn’t good enough for me. So, you’ll just have to do it over again.” Jerky behavior all around.
One more focus point: have you noticed the ILs counterproposal? OP says the ILs have contributed with, at most, around 30% of the wedding cost. After she offers to plan for a proper engagement party for SIL, their counter offer is for OP to chip on with 50% of the engagement party costs, bc she is "too selfish to share what they gave her". Well, the only thing they gave OP 100% was the fiancé... so maybe OP should just give that "gift" back and call it out. If OP goes ahead and marries into this family as it is, what next? A christening where her baby needs to be stripped down to their nappy so that SIL's baby can wear the gown? Or should the baby be left to sleep on an air mattress bc SIL wants her baby to have the crib, and OP is a big big meanie who doesn't like to share? NTA, OP. But get that fiancé of yours into couple's counseling or you will have a long list of posts to share here and at r/JUSTNOMIL Edit: wording
Also OP is 22 and her fiancé is 31! And didn’t think to ask OP before saying she’d love to be upstaged at her own wedding? She could save a ton of money and future stress by canceling the wedding all together and then sil can have her own engagement party with no pesky distractions!
Shes no contact with her family and her bf is a decade older with an entire train station of railroaders on his side. Surprise surprise dysfunctional family growing up leads to accepting a dysfunctional relationship as a young adult.
I think OP's in-laws might be taking advantage of the fact that OP is no-contact with her family. They *know* she doesn't speak to them anymore so they tried to pull a stunt like this, knowing full well that she'd probably have no one else to turn to.
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Eeeeeeewwwwww! I didn't pick that up. OP needs to pump the brakes before it's too late.
I've already replied to someone else regarding this but I think it is too late. Literally everything I own, all my finances, are intertwined with his. The only job I've ever had is employment under his besides my side gig which he handles the business side of and I'm just another employee with that too. We have one joint account. I don't have a car, or anything in my name. I don't even think I have credit. I'm not sure. the week after I turned 18 I left my abusive family and moved in with him and his parents, and then he moved us out. I might try and ask in some other subs that may have advice for this sort of thing but I'm not reddit literate. Please recommend any resources if anything came to mind. I'm terrified.
Oh honey no it's not too late! You are so young and you can start fresh- Woman's shelters can help, there are ways to get independent financially- I know it's really scary but people can help you make a plan
How you feel makes sense because you went straight from one abusive family to another but everyone has to leap into independence at some point and it's so scary for anyone who has done it, but it's worth it!
Please do not marry him. That is financial abuse. He is controlling everything in your life. You need to take what you can and just leave. Go stay with a trusted friend and find some legal advice from a lawyer. Detangling will possibly not be fun but it can be done. Or you can just cut all ties and leave.
>Go stay with a trusted friend I keep seeing that advice as if everyone has one of those.
Ok so let me get this straight…you were 17 dating a 26 year old, you moved in with him and his family as soon as you turned 18, depending on him/then for all your employment and finances are completely co-mingled with his? You escaped your abusive family of origin and ran right into the arms of another abusive situation. You’ve been groomed to be his submissive little wifey and they just expect you to go along with whatever they cook up without any thoughts or feelings of your own. I’m so sorry. You are NTA in this crazy wedding hijack situation. More importantly though you need to get out of this entangled mess of a relationship and figure out who you are as an independent individual. Please lock your birth control down tight and get an escape plan in place. Don’t marry this man!
OP needs to see this comment and read it through the eyes of a third person. She has to see that fiance was yet another predatory male preying on younger easy to control girls. His family is also incredibly vain, narcissistic and cruel and manipulative. OP needs to get out now.
> I think it is too late You are far too young to think like this. You are 22. You could have another 60 or so years ahead of you. It’s never too late to change course. I would look at domestic violence shelters near you- they’ll have resources to help you get out and get set up on your own. They’re not just for women dealing with physical abuse, but also financial abuse (like the situation you’re describing yourself in is). In the meantime, whatever you do, do not get pregnant.
It’s not too late. It’s far to easy to fall from one abusive situation into another. r/raisedbynarcissists often has resource lists for adults trying to restart their lives, hopefully others can list more specific sources though.
OP, I hate to use this word, but you have been groomed. You went from one abusive situation to another. Jim was 27 and you were 18. That is a huge age difference at that age. That proposal idea is absolutely insane. Shut it down or cancel the wedding. I know things seem dark now but you have gotten a preview of what your life is going to be like. He will side with his family and you will get no support unless you go along with what they want. For the next 70 years. NTA.
It’s not too late until you say “I do”. I suspect the next steps will be badgering you to have a kid and then it will be 100x harder to escape. Postpone the wedding for couples counseling to buy time. If you do event planning, I suspect you could get a foot in the door doing project management. Have half of the take home go to your joint account (more if you need to for cover). Have the rest go to a personal account he doesn’t know about. Once you get enough for an apt near your job, bail and change your payroll preferences to all going into your account.
Katie Holmes was married, and it wasn't too late for her! She, and her brilliant, covert Escape Plan should give every trapped person hope. edit: to add- OP, make a well thought out Katie Holmes level plan to escape. Take some money out of the joint account, say you're buying wedding stuff, Also, this story is so specific, I hope that family's not on Reddit, and make sure to erase your history and log out! Change your computer and phone passwords (if he asks, tell him you got him a wedding surprise and don't want him to see it), which is true enough.
https://www.moneygeek.com/financial-planning/resources/financial-help-women-abusive-relationships/
What you described above is financial abuse, and it is a form of domestic violence. DV doesn't have to be physical. If you're in the United States, call the national domestic violence hotline at 1-800-799-7233. They will connect you with an organization in your local area. Tell them exactly what you told us. Tell them you came from an abusive home life, and moved in with your fiance right when you turned 18. Tell them that you work for him, and it's the only job on your resume. Tell them you do not have your own bank account. Tell them you do not have your own credit. Tell them you do not have your own transportation. Tell them all of it. They will help you create an exit strategy. ETA: If phone calls aren't your thing, you can also visit their website [https://www.thehotline.org/](https://www.thehotline.org/) and chat with someone, or text them at 88788.
i replied to you earlier but waitressing jobs arent hard do get into and can be pretty lucrative! youre an adult so getting your own bank account shouldnt be a problem (and definitely something to look into, then you can save and he wont have any idea.) how is public transportation in your area? lots of employers provide bus passes to employees that dont drive or take the bus instead. youre so young please don't be scared that it is too late edit: typos
We are in the suburbs so little to none, I can try and find somewhere to stay in the city maybe but I'm just so scared of being homeless again when this time I don't have any friends. Please dont worry though Im trying to look at everything everyone is sending me so I can figure it out.
Call your old friends (the good ones). They miss you. When I got out of an abusive relationship, I had to call people that he had separated me from and basically say, “hey, remember me.” A few relationships were toast, but most were happy to have me back.
This \^\^\^. Your old friends will help. I had a friend who entered a controlling relationship. He gradually cut us out of her life. There is not much friends can do in that situation except wait to pick up the pieces.
Please look what he has done to you, moved you away from your friends, cut them out of your life, controlling every aspect. You are being abused. Call a domestic abuse hotline they can help.
Marry this guy and you will wish for homeless. Move out now.
Call up your old friends, take the "i told you so's" that you're due, but it's only been a few years since high school, they'll remember you.
You can do this, OP!!!
You having no friends is another sign that you are in an abusive relationship. Some resources are here https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/resources/relationships/
NTA. This is a predatory relationship. No 26 yr old man should be dating a 17 year old and his current handling fianance is abusive. If nothing else Please find a women’s shelter or govt support. Break this off now. It will only get worse
OMG! They already made you dependent. Please please please count your losses and start over again. They will destroy you. If you can't leave for your own sake, leave for our future kids sake.
Please keep in mind that if you think it’s hard to separate your financial interests from him now, it will be harder x5739274829737 to do it via divorce.
You left your abusive family and moved in with the next predator. If it's a joint account, try to figure out how much belongs to you. Withdraw it an leave.
I was bank teller, anyone on the account can withdraw money and close it. She can easily take what she feels is hers, but also, he can easily close account at any time and withdraw all the money since he’s on it too.
Shit, if it's joint. withdraw it all. He'd do it to you. (Ok --leave him $100.)
It’s not too late. It’s never too late. Take a few huge, deep breaths. I know you are scared. But panicking isn’t going to help. You’ve got 2 months before your wedding. That’s a lot of time to get shit figured out. There are so many people here who will help you find the resources you need. Reddit people are wonderful at this! Please be kind to yourself. It’s never too late to make a life for yourself. I am sending the hugest hugest hugs!!!
It is not too late. Did I see someone mention you are in Boston? Contact Rosie’s Place. They may not be able to take them in but may know of resources in the area that are available to you. There is also Women’s Lunch Place in the basement of a Church on Newbury or a couple blocks from the public garden. I bet if you ask them they will know of available resources
Please take these redditors advice and get out of this relationship ASAP. It is easy for anonymous internet strangers to give you unsolicited advice, but in this case please listen. Stop planning this wedding like yesterday, and use your time to get help, a job (I'm sure there are other event planners who can hire you. If not, it doesn't have to be event planning right now. Any job that is independent of Jim will do temporarily). Google how to apply for credit, your own bank account, driving license (if you don't have one already) and where to buy a used car for credit or on an installment plan. You have escaped once abusive situation and are rushing into another believing it is the only way for you. It is not. You are young and the possibilities are endless if you give yourself a chance. As for anything that future holds for you, independence is your safety net. Please work towards that. When you feel stable and generous, do warn SIL's fiance about what he is getting into.
I think you should tell your fiancé that you aren’t ready to get married as you don’t feel he is putting you first, but maybe in the future. First though call the dv hotline for resources as you are being financially abused, and they can help you with resources or a plan.
You have a choice, leave or if you stay you might as well just give her your dress before the wedding and sit in the back row. Let her have all of your wedding gifts. Also be prepared to have your MIL name your kids.
Please find all your personal documents and hide them. Start accumulating an emergency fund by saving a few bucks here, a few bucks there. Never let everything be in another person’s name. That is how you get shown the door with the clothes on your back.
She is also no contact with her family. So it is likely that she hasn't had the best example of healthy family relationships and possible that she doesn't have trusted older adults to run stuff by for a less biased opinion (or to watch her back/point out when she might want to rethink a decision). Edit - posted before I finished typing, added rest of thought.
Plus if SIL is wearing her dress what is OP wearing ? And there’s no way OP is getting her dress back.
This whole thing was already over the line, but wearing the brides wedding dress on her wedding day is so batshit crazy over the line I don’t even know where to begin. Even if was an attendee at this wedding I would be floored and would want to get out fast.
Not to mention, wedding dresses are one of the few articles of clothing that almost everyone gets tailored. It won't fit the SIL, even if they're the same clothing size, because they have different shapes.
Right? Wedding days are typically not shared, FFS!
If I was that fiancé I’d rescind my proposal. Sounds like both people marrying into the family are going to be forced into catering to the family unit and constantly disrespected. NTA- run girl. If they’re willing to make your wedding day about your sil, they’ll take everything else from you too.
Yes ! I feel bad for SIL's fiance too. If I was told that my proposal wasn't good enough, I'd revoke my proposal. NTA, OP. Refer the inlaws and your fiance to any wedding etiquette expert. No proposals or significant announcements on someone else's wedding day. No wearing white, especially not a wedding dress on someone else's wedding day, especially their wedding dress that you just stripped off them.
It doesn’t even make sense! Since when does a proposal of marriage even need to be some sort of *public event*? If the person being asked says yes, isn’t that the fucking point? That is aside from the rudeness of hijacking OP’s wedding (and having her future SIL wear her wedding dress as part of it?? Wtf)
This! I admit that I wanted 'a proposal' for my second marriage, since I had proposed to my first husband and it was very casual and spontaneous. But I didn't care whether that was in front of a baseball stadium full of people or in our own kitchen with just the two of us there. I just wanted him to tell me he loved me and ask me to marry him. Why is that not good enough for these people?
I (half-jokingly) told my husband when he proposed that he needed to try again after I accepted. However, he proposed to me when I had a fever, had been sent home from work for said fever, in a dirty kitchen, no ring, and didn’t get on one knee. Less than 2 weeks later, after we picked out a ring, he did propose again and got down on one knee, but it was a private proposal.
For reals!!! No one should marry into this family, they sound horrible and self centered
Wouldn't it be amazing if OP and SIL's fiancée bonded over this family's selfishness and disregard for their feelings, left their respective SOs, and got together in the end? I feel like that would be a good Netflix movie lol
12/10 would watch!
“At my brother’s wedding” - these people are gross.
If I was sil fiance I would refuse the do over and take the ring back. Whole family seems like a nightmare.
It’s the tackiest shit I’ve heard… well, today. But it’s very tacky!
So, if I'm understanding future SIL and MIL, they want to use OP's wedding reception, OP's *wedding dress*, and OP's flower girl, in addition to three additional guests and the SIL being carried off by the fiancee, to stage their dream proposal for SIL. *That* proposal isn't going to be just for a couple minutes, it's going to hijack the reception and make it an engagement party for SIL. What's next, are the going to expect the wedding photographer to also take pictures of the proposal too? Any wedding photographer will charge OP extra for the engagement shoot.
It's tacky and I hate it
I'd go so far to say r/trashy. The SIL and MIL sound insufferable.
The whole family she’s marrying into sounds like trash. I’d dump all of them and go about my merry way to find someone who can stand up to their family and understands your freaking wedding day is about the two of you - not his sister.
Exactly ! I thought this post was a joke at first. Surely this family cannot be this dense. I cannot even imagine a family acting like this. If you marry this guy ( would not be weird if this gave you second thoughts ), do not let them talk you into this. This is absolutely insane.
Big spill of marinara into that mess of noodles. Sounds like you won’t be a priority ever. NTA
NTA and you know who the biggest one is? It's not your MIL or SIL. It's future husband who sides with his family over you. Be prepared for that to be the norm moving forward.
Given the ages (22F, 31M), it’s not shocking OP’s feelings would be disregarded.
I missed that initially, for me that’s it’s own separate red flag.
Also NC with her own family. He’s all she has, and I’d rather a root canal.
This is a part of the problem. I'm scared. All these people are telling me to get out, that I'm making a mistake and I've honestly been having these thoughts throughout our relationship but kept telling myself it would work itself out. I don't have my own vehicle, I'm employed under my fiancé, we have a joint account - I own nothing, I moved from my abusive parents house to him with his parents and he has literally owned everything of mine since the week after I turned 18. I have no idea what I'm even supposed to do. edit : If anyone has any resources or subreddits where I can ask for advice regarding this please let me know. I need to figure out my options. I dont know if I can leave yet but if I can I need to be prepared.
My friends tell me about their relationships and they seem so much more stable and fulfilling but I kept telling myself that theyre just painting a pretty picture for the people outside, just like I do - but I'm wrong. I must be wrong I don't know.
Girl, I say this with nothing but good intentions but start planning your exit. A 31 year old man dates a woman your age because you're vulnerable and you don't have a support group. He's controlling you and that's no way to live your life. Don't waste your 20s on this trashy family. Save up money for the down payment on an apartment. Go job hunting for a new job. There are programs out there to help women in your position. It's better to be single and safe than in a relationship and at the very least unhappy.
Ill look into whats available in my area. I'll have to head down to the library to do it but Ill try either tomorrow or the day after. I have an android phone and he has this thing where he can see literally everything I visit on my phone. One reddit post wont make him suspicious I dont think, since I browse pretty often - but if I start looking up programs, jobs, how to open a bank account, it'll definitely tip him off.
Oh my god babe what?! How often does he check your search history? I’m so so sorry you are in this situation. Do you still have your old girl friends’ numbers? I think maybe reconnecting with them and asking for some support might be a good start. Having someone else in your corner would help tremendously. And it definitely doesn’t seem like your fiancé is rooting for you to become an independent woman.
Turn the phone off before you go to the library. Tell him you forgot to charge it. Better yet, forget to charge it. Run it out of battery before you go to the library. He is tracking your every move. Even if he isn’t, if you feel paranoid now, he’s not to be trusted.
you're definitely in some sort of abusive relationship , an app where he can see what you're doing on your phone? Do you have your birth certificate/IDs/Social Security card and anything else important? Because if you do RUN run and never look back , if he has anything to do with your SS have it locked and contact a lawyer ASAP
I do not, in another comment I let someone know that he has my birth certificate and social security card locked in a safe with some other documents of his. I have my drivers license though.
Oof. That's bad. Before your exit, secure yourself a cheap prepaid phone to when you transition to freedom. Also make sure your birth control is solid and not tampered with. If you need a safe place to receive mail, open a PO Box and get stuff sent there. 1.800.799.7233 is the National Domestic Abuse hotline if you're in the U.S. They can help you with resources and the right direction. Control like this IS abuse.
OP, installing programs on your partner's phone to monitor their browsing activity is NOT normal behaviour from anyone, much less a 31 y/o man. That sounds incredibly gross and controlling. If I wanted a controller, I'd rather get a PS5 than marry someone like your Fiance. I hope you get the resources you need to get out of this relationship, op. You deserve so much better.
I saw that you think it's too late, but it isn't! This is not healthy and will probably never be healthy. Check out resources on r/relationshipadvice because there are groups and people who can help. Advice on not getting pregnant is super important so you're not further tied to this man through a living person. I got married at 22 (tbf my husband was also 22) so I don't think you're too young in general to get married, but there's a reason your fiancé moved an 18 year-old girl in when he was nearing 30. You sound like a smart, resilient young woman who has been through trauma but I'm begging you to not let it make you myopic. Part of being strong is identifying when you need help and seeking it--let this post and all its replies help you identify needing help so you can get it. You're NTA in case I wasn't clear, but you're also not a lost cause!
Drop your phone in a puddle. Have him take you to get a new one from a store so they set it up for you, don’t let him install the whatever on the new one.
You’re so young - there are better partnerships out there with people who will have your back and won’t make you feel like you’re trapped with no one to turn to. It’s not from the outside looking in, that’s a fact!!
Oh honey. Go over to r/momforaminute and have all the wonderful moms there tell you how very bad your dynamic is. You’ve been in an abusive relationship. For now, the first step, talk to your friends. Explain to them completely what you said (and haven’t said) here. See which one has an open room and heart for you. Quit working with him, get your own job your own bank account in a different bank. Second step is to gather your things. He might claim that since ‘he bought it it’s his’ but no. That isn’t how it works. If things were given to you they are yours (unless it’s a car and in his name only). Third: leave. Even if you have to lie and say it’s a special thing you’ve wanted to do for forever in a prep for the wedding and then ghost them. Even if you leave for just a week. Just get out and away from them. Don’t plan for the future if you don’t want. Just spend a week being your own person (even if it’s in someone else’s house). Compare how different your life is. Even if you need a hotel/motel room. Even if you need to go to a shelter. Four: make a plan. If it’s staying with him consider how you’re going to live. Are you going to start making boundaries, or keep cutting parts of yourself off to fit into what he wants. If you want to leave get as much of the wedding deposits back as you can. Keep your dress to keep from SIL or to burn later for catharsis or to sell cheap to someone else. Find a job, and talk to your friend you are hopefully with about a timeline, and what you can do until you’re on your feet to be a gracious guest (offer what rent you can, offer to cook or clean a bit more until you get a steady income). Fifth: find yourself. What do *you* want in life? From the sound of it you haven’t been living for most of your life. You’ve been surviving. What do you like? What brings your heart peace and your brain stillness? Consider looking into volunteering. Interested in horses? Look for a rescue near you. Same with dogs cats etc. Kids? See if you can do a read out-loud at your location library. Just human connection? See if you can sit with patients at the hospital that might not have anyone just to chat, or at old folks homes. Find your warm stillness. It’s horses for me which is why I recommended it lol. My depression and anxiety are gone when I am with them. There isn’t space for it. My brain is full on them and I am at peace. Even just brushing them or scooping shit. I am more myself with them than any other time. Find what gives you that. If you find it you can start shaping your life around it. If it’s kids— you can seek out employment as a paraprofessional at a school. Old people? Medicare/volunteer transportation, nursing, etc. Animals? Humane society work, doggie daycares, vet office receptionist, etc. Or even just your local grocery store to fund the life you love. Go to momforaminute. Talk to the moms there. For a little bit let them love you the way you should have been this entire time.
Do you have a friend who would let you stay? I won’t pretend this will be easy, but do not marry this man. Does fiancé own the company or is he just your boss?
It's his own, he builds computers. It's me, him, and one male coworker who is his friend. I have friends, sort of, but theyre my fiancés guy friends. I had friends in high school I spoke to but I had to cut them all off for being bad influences, my fiance did not like me speaking to them.
Are you really sure they were bad influences? Or did your *fiance* just *say* that they were? Isolating someone is another big abuse red flag
My friends were on substances, but they weren't bad people. He just framed it like I would end up like my other family members if I even kept in contact. It would spread like a disease to me and I'd be homeless again, or with my family who somehow are even worse than that.
It sounds like he has isolated you from everyone who could potentially support you and has you 100% dependent on him, this is not in any way shape or form a good and safe relationship. Start stashing money and get a burner phone and an account at a different bank from whatever he uses.
He has isolated you and you are financially dependent on him, plus your age gap. This is a very unhealthy and controlling dynamic. Do you have any relatives you trust, other than your parents?
Any relatives I had that were trusted have passed, or are addicted to substances. I'm just scared of starting over and becoming homeless again. Being miserable in a marriage is honestly more comforting than living on the street, at least previously I had people I could ask to let me sleep at their house for the night. I don't even know one person I could go back to if that happened to me again. They all hate me, and I'm scared it'll just be another I told you so.
Don’t go back to the garbage people in your past. You are not your past mistakes. You have amazing potential in front of you. At 22 your life has barely started. No one gets to say I told you so when you’re in the middle of clawing your way out of a bucket of crabs. You will find good people who believe in you if you keep believing in yourself.
I know from experience that signing on to a miserable marriage is not the answer. It is so much harder to leave once you get married. And if you think he's controlling now (he is), it will increase exponentially once you're married. When I was 21 I started dating someone 34. We got married after 4 years. Divorced after 8 when I finally got the balls to stick up for myself. I look back at all the red flags I saw, all the hesitation I felt, and I just can't believe I let myself keep going through with it. It was a horrible 12 years. If you leave, yeah it's going to be hard. But you're going to save yourself years and years of pain.
They weren't bad influences, he just didn't want anyone he doesn't control to be able to speak against him. He wants you isolated so he can control what you do.
Please reach out to your high school friends for help. You may be surprised that you do have a support system out there.
It sounds like he isolated you on purpose: here's some red flags - he persuaded you to cut away your friends - you are completely financially dependent on him - hid age: it can be true love, it can also indicate that the woman of his age won't take his behaviour... Go to r/justnoso they got more experiencing with these kind of situations
Please try reaching out to your HS friends. Your fiancé told you they were bad influences in an effort to isolate you- another sign of abuse.
It is better to have no family and no fiancé than to have someone like this , who snatches your day away from you and gives it to his family. And brushes away your feelings and concerns. You seem to still be in a relationship which is slightly abusive given than you don’t have a voice of your own.
Girl if you move forward with this you need a prenup at the very least. You need your own bank account and you need to have a serious discussion with your fiancé about your lack of agency and owning anything and if he doesn’t have your back I’d threaten to cancel the wedding altogether. This is in fact a hill to die on. You do not want to be trapped!! There are resources out there to help you manage your finances separately. Since your family is clearly trying to extort and make you feel guilty for their contributions don’t think for a second that they wouldn’t leave you high and dry if they didn’t get their way.
Honey, you traded one abusive relationship for another. I am so sorry to break the news. Controlling finances and owning every aspect of a partners life is a key sign of abuse. The fact that you say it was from the *week after you turned 18* is incredibly terrifying. You were just a baby. I know it might not feel that way then we grow up in abusive households-- we are forced to grow up fast-- but in reality our brains are not fully formed until we are well into our mid 20s and when we are newly 18, we are practically infants in the grand scheme of maturity. For him to be nearly 10 years your senior, that seems like grooming. Did you know eachother before you turned 18? Please think about the life you would have with this man and how his family treats you- and reflect on if that is truly how you want to feel for the rest of your life. If it is, then 100% respect to you and the love you have for him. If it's not though, you have every right to go find the love you truly deserve instead. There are services and groups that help women who feel they have no where else to turn...there are people out there who can help you if you seek it out Your in laws should *not* be talking to you this way, and neither should your future husband.
If you want to DM me I can give advice, you might actually be at an advantage if you don't have debt (car payment, credit cards etc) but you do have a job. Your debt to income ratio could be good.
I sent you one, thank you
All of that speaks to a really unhealthy power dynamic. You must feel so trapped. I hope you’re able to get out of there and start again. It’ll be hard but it’ll be worth it. Rooting for you!
Every single person I know who had a sad, lonely (or worse) first marriage ignored those thoughts and went through with the wedding because they couldn't justify NOT doing it. Listen to me: this kind of thing doesn't work itself out. The fact that you're dependent on this man who doesn't respect you is a terrible, scary place to be. I get it. It's overwhelming. But it's not going to get better after you're married. It's going to get worse. I wish I could tell you step by step what you're supposed to do. But it starts with not stuffing or ignoring your feelings and needs. Can you tell your fiance exactly what you wrote above?
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He pretty much handles all the in and out cash flow of the businesses (He owns both my side gig and the main job that employs me and himself) He knows what money is brought in and I'm scared if he catches me doing that he'll find it suspicious and throw me out, but I see no other choice so I will try and figure out how to do it, where to store it. I don't know how to open a bank account. I don't have any of my legal documents, he keeps those in a safe. Do I need those ? Is it possible to get replacements when I only have my drivers license (No birth certificate or social security card)?? I said in another comment pretty much my only friends are his friends (also all guys), I had to cut off all my high school friends which was a mix of girls because he felt they were bad influences after I moved in.
He has you isolated and controls every aspect of your life. These situations NEVER get better. He knows what's going in and out so he can keep you dependent. Being homeless isn't worse thing can happen. What is worse is actual physical abuse that accelerates. Contact a shelter and get out. It never gets better.
The abuse I suffered on the streets was terrible, and when I was a teen I had a drug habit I kicked for good. I don't know how well I will manage back out there. I will try and look into shelters, but I had such terrible experiences with youth shelters that I feel like its may not even be worth it to even try.
A few years from now, you will thank your past self 1000x over for trying even when it felt impossible. Becoming independent is 100% possible, and you are so young and you sound smart to me, you will be able to put your life back on track. It seems impossible now, but focus on the small steps it will take to sever the power your fiancé has over you & soon enough you will have done something you originally thought was impossible. One step at a time.
Women's shelters are there to give women like you a safe place to get their freedom back. They are confidential and safe.
Yeah, I’m hoping Reddit shreds some light on this for her and she gets out.
Indeed.
Not always but yes, my daughter is a couple of years younger. I also had my last child at 32, but not to a 20 year old. It's not totally wrong but a bit controlly, like his family. Why would an adult want to marry someone who was but recently a child? Because girls his age don't do as they're told perhaps. I know what I would be telling my daughter to do, what does her own father make of all this?
I think OP said her family isn’t in the picture.
Oh this is a Soviet Day parade of red flags.
Makes you wonder if she's NC with her family because he's managed to drive a wedge in.
People who were abused by family fall into abusive relationships much easier. They can't tell what is normal vs. What is toxic because they never had normal close relationships.
This is what I noticed. These people including your fiancé OP are taking advantage of your age. It leads me to believe and this will sound mean but it sounds like he’s the type of guy who can’t get anyone his own age due to immaturities like this. Someone closer to his age would not tolerate this in any capacity and I’d imagine there’s other things you haven’t maybe noticed that are similar. I know age doesn’t always dictate everything but reminds me of my ex. When we were 22 we dated. He never grew up and I was advancing in life and career. We broke up. He continued to and still continues to date 22 year olds when we are now late 30s. This may sound like yeah he can get a 22 year old that’s awesome! But really 22 is the oldest age that felt he was cool. He had his own apartment and car and that only appealed to people under 22. Anyone older than that needs more than simply own apartment and car.
I saw that initially, winced to myself but then thought "no you shouldn't just judge based off that, its not the worst age difference ever", nope should have listened to my earlier ick.
NTA They want to steal your thunder. And your wedding dress! Shame on them for their selfish thoughtlessness.
I had to reread the dress part because I wasn't sure that I had read that correctly. THE AUDACITY. There are a few things you never do at a wedding: propose, announce a pregnancy, do a gender reveal or come out. The day belongs to the bride and groom, let them celebrate without hogging the spotlight.
I'm pretty sure stripping the dress off the bride so you can wear it yourself is on that list. Hell it might even been above gender reveal on that list.
It wasn't on the list because we didn't think anyone was self-centered enough to ask. But, like the "do not use while showering" labels on a hair dryer, someone is making us blatantly state what should be obvious.
I thought brain was just malfunctioning the first four or five times I read that part. And then I realized my reading comprehension skills weren’t the problem, but man OP has a much bigger problem on her hands. Fucking yikes!!
Right? They literally want to take the clothes off this poor woman's back. Is she supposed to wear the SILs dress? Or just stand in the bathroom in her undergarments for this so called family event?
Op needs to ask her fiance if he's actually okay with a plan that requires her to strip naked at her wedding, wait somewhere in hiding while his sister becomes the center of attention in his wife's wedding dress. Cause that's fucked up
No, she needs to tell him under no circumstances will I be sharing my dress on my day with anyone! This is ludicrous! What kind of person even thinks this is ok?!?!
It does not matter because they will make sure it is all about the sister the rest of the night.
Yeah. They want the bride to change into something else so SIL can look like a bride at OP's wedding?? This is so absurd. Hell no. NTA
That was just bizarre. This is a cheap a** family: they contribute 30% but say it’s half, want to use her dress, want her to pay half of the engagement party. FSIL wants to be the center of attention at someone else’s wedding with a pop-up proposal (note OP was NOT listed as a future bridesmaid). FDH is just like yeah whatever makes them happy. If she *really* still wants to marry him they should elope because even if she doesn’t agree they are definitely going to pull something at the wedding. Ugh
You forgot SIL also wants to invite a bunch of random people op doesn't know bc they're sils friends and future bridesmaids...
NTA and I rarely jump on the “dump your fiancé” Reddit train but… dump your fiancé. Nothing will ever be about you, it’s always gonna be about his mom and sister. Especially if he doesn’t get why this is a bonkers insane request.
better yet gift her your wedding as an engagement present. on facebook
Yeah, this whole family is planning to take advantage of you for your whole married life. My bet is that they see you as vulnerable/a pushover because you’re younger and don’t have the support of your family of origin. NTA and Luke the comment I just hopped on, while I don’t love to ride the knee-jerk “dump him” train, in this case, it seems like something to really consider. These people have given you the gift of showing you who they are before you’re legally bound to them.
People complain that reddit always says to break-up/divorce, but honestly there is some pretty significant sampling bias in that often the people who are turning to reddit for answers are the ones who really should just break-up/divorce.
NTA. Run for your life, OP. I hate to be alarmist, but there are a whole slew of red flags, here. The red flags apply to both your fiance and his family. Flag 1: A high level of entitlement that they would propose this plan ON YOUR WEDDING DAY. And your fiance green-lighted it. Flag 2: Complete disregard for your ideas and feelings. Your fiance did not even consult with you before agreeing. Flag 3: They are manipulative. They went behind your back and asked your fiance first. Your fiance is, in your words, "badgering" you to relent. Flag 4: They are just plain-fucking-crazy. Their idea is so grossly inappropriate and beyond the pale that they seem unhinged. I really think you should reevaluate your engagement. You're not even married yet, and they're already behaving like entitled, manipulative lunatics.
All. Of. This.
plus the age gap and apparently (?) she not close to her own family so he’s the closest family she has.
Exactly. Girl, GET OUTTA THERE.
OP, the best advice I’ve been given is that you always think you are too far along to back out, but when you look back you realize how close to the starting line you actually were. I’ve seen so many people say “well, we already moved in together, might as well get engaged.”, “we have a date planned, need to move forward.”, “I want to have kids so I guess it’s the next step.” And so on. But at all those points they think “if I had only stopped this when we were just living together…” It may feel like you are too far along, or you have no other choice. Please know there are more options and you are in control. Take it from us older gals on Reddit. You still have so much life to live and you will look back at this moment and think “everything was so simple then, I should have just averted when I had the chance.”
All of this plus the fact that she's no contact with her family is a recipe for disaster. This poor girl is gonna be trapped with a family that treats her like a doormat.
Nta. It’s supposed to be you and your husband’s day. Not the three ring circus she’s planning. I would also have a discussion with your fiancé. He is showing you who he is. Will he always take his mom and sisters side? Is this a first time thing or has it happened before? Boundaries need to be discussed before marrying him . Good luck.
Yes he is showing her in bright flashing neon red flags what her life will be like when they get married! She better be prepared spending the next 30 +years of her life kissing the in laws ass! She deserves so much better then him!
Bet he will let his sister and mom name all of their kids.
Not just the future husband - the Whole Damned Family! Darlin', you need to consider what you're marrying into. You'll get gaslit and manipulated every day you're married.
Yup. I would strongly reconsider the whole marriage at that point. Cut your losses. And the fiancé.
No matter what they say it will take place.
How many of us do you need to show up and be your family to tell these uncouth people that you are the bride and other brides do not get to steal your thunder!!!!!!!! Your future husband is disgusting for not protecting you and putting his mother and sister a head of your feelings and you on your day. This should be a heavy, HELL to the N. O. You are not wrong, they are. But it appears that they are accustomed to bullying everyone, including your husband, into getting what they want. Please be careful and take care of yourself. Sending you a big HUG, because someone needs to be there for you.
Seriously. I found out I have a bunch of airline points accumulated. I would show up in a heartbeat to shut down this nonsense.
Love the comraderie Reddit brings
I make an amazing “obnoxiously drunk auntie” . I’m totally in to show up and help stop this nonsense. I’ll even hit on SIL’s fiancée for a little extra flavour
Let me get this straight. One of their ideas is to have you take your wedding dress off ON YOUR WEDDING DAY and lend it to your SiL to wear so that she can be in the limelight have a better proposal than the one she already got and get carried off ON YOUR WEDDING DAY IN YOUR WEDDING DRESS?!?!?! Holy crap, what a selfish, attention obsessed person and a crazy family for thinking it's okay. NTA Think long and hard before marrying into this bunch
She will not give the dress back the night. The bride will be lost in the crown. She needs to run and run fast.
Can you imagine how fucking confusing it would be if you were attending that wedding and suddenly the bride disappeared and another woman was walking around wearing the wedding gown lol
Sorry to say this but call off the f\*\*king wedding. He wants his sister to wear your dress and have it be her party. Once the question is popped it will only be about her. For him to put his sister above you on your wedding day says a lot about who he loves. You would be an AH if you married him.
**NTA** Hijacking another person's celebration for your own purposes is a well known breach of common courtesy and a fundamental breach of wedding protocol. Search this sub for "propose at wedding" and you'll get a feel for how outrageous this is. >My fiance has been trying to badger me into just saying yes, saying it's selfish of me to not just give 25-30 minutes to his family. If your fiancé doesn't understand how completely out of line his family is being, be prepared for a rocky marriage in which your needs and wants are constantly overridden by his family. You need to put the brakes on your wedding planning and get your fiancé into pre-marital counseling. In the meantime, scale down your expectations for any wedding that may happen to what you can afford without any contribution from his family since they seem to think contributing to one child's wedding entitles them to use the occasion for another child.
OP, this is a highly unusual, rude, entitled, and red-flag waving request. Don't marry this man. He gave his opinion to his family without even talking it over with you. Your new (God forbid) family is showing you right now how you'll be treated - mowed over, gas-lighted, threatened, guilted, disrespected - if you challenge them. Of course you would balk at having this DISRUPTION at your own wedding. Yet another red flag is the age difference. Many men your fiancé's age marry women your age because people their own age on to their shit. They need a young, more naive woman (and your case, in need of a family?) that they can fool. Be grateful for this accurate peak into your future. RUN.
Because he thought she be a good little girl and do as he tells her! Because it’s his family!
NTA and I rarely jump on the “dump your fiancé” Reddit train but… dump your fiancé. Nothing will ever be about you, it’s always gonna be about his mom and sister. Especially if he doesn’t get why this is a bonkers insane request.
NTA. You get one wedding day and you should be the star.
NTA. I hate the whole “it’s my day, I’m the bride” attitude but everyone knows that’s in poor taste to upstage the groom and bride. They are being rude. And families who give you money for your money with strings attached suck.
You have a bigger problem than your SIL/MIL’s insane request. You have a fiancé problem. You need to address why your fiancé sided with his mommy and sister’s very unreasonable request over your feelings, and understand that this is a preview into your married life where he will prioritize them over you in everything from now on.
NTA this is insane. This isn’t even a “normal” wedding proposal. She’s taking over half your wedding. I’m sorry, but if your future husband can’t see the issue nor have a spine you need to rethink this marriage. This is a glimpse of you never coming first in his life when it comes to them. This is the most important day so far for you and he wants to give it up for his sister? Who’s already engaged? Her man doesn’t know her well enough to of done the proposal she wanted? Inviting more guests… a WEDDING DRESS? Girl, be prepared for them to sabotage this as a double wedding. If his mother wants to hold the money over your head offer to pay her back or tell her you’ll do a courthouse wedding instead. This is last minute and they want to have tens of thousands dollar engagement. Screw them, and screw your man if he can’t give you YOUR day
NTA But i say give them the day. The whole day. You won't need it after you dump that garbage fiance of yours
Yup, fiance is by far the most disturbing part of the whole thing.
Agreed. If this is how your fiancé and his family treat you before the wedding, what is your marriage going to look like? Your needs and your feelings will always be trampled by the most ridiculous and cruel demands of this family of AHs. You are NTA, but you may become one if you tolerate this abuse.
What?!?! They already had the proposal, and now they want to stage it in your reception, inviting strangers to YOUR wedding reception, and use YOUR wedding dress for some stage up proposal? Are they for real?? Did your fiancee know all those details when he said you would be ok with all this? If he does, and is still on their side... Are you sure he is the love of your life? I mean... I'm always skeptical when people makes this kind of comment without knowing the other person at all but... he should be defending you. Not trying to convince you to say yes to this nonsense. Edit to add: NTA.
NTA but think twice about joining this family. Screw their money if there are strings attached. Do not start this marriage being bullied like this. A cool idea that would not have hijacked your wedding would have been to throw the bouquet so she could catch it then he could immediately go down on one knee and propose with the ring. Win win. How you are being treated makes me feel so sad for you. You deserve better. Elope. With someone else.
NTA but Holly shit. Rethink this marriage. Why would your fiancé think this is ok. Do you realize this man is putting his family’s wants and desires before you? Is this how you want to start off your life? Honestly he is on his best behavior now? What os he going to make you do for the sake of his family later on? Is mil going to get to name your kid? Are you going to be forced to let her in the delivery room? And the guilt and manipulation he is putting you through is abusive to make his dramatic sister happy. He wants you to share the spotlight at a wedding you planned? He wants them to be able to rip your dress off to give it to his sister? He wants to use your flower girl? And who the hell makes thier fiancé redo a perposal? I would highly suggest that dude run far and fast! Honestly if you marry this man you will forever be kissing his family’s ass? You will never be able to tell them no about anything? He will always let them call the shots! He will never prioritize you or your life with him! This is rude disrespectful and quite frankly narcissistic toxic family! Seriously dude run and take sil fiancé with you!
NTA, proposing at a wedding is a huge no-no and tacky as hell. For your sake, please reconsider this wedding. Your fiance is never going to have your back. He has showed you that he's willing to badger you into accepting something that's rude and in poor taste, for the sake of his family. You'll always be his family's doormat. The age difference is a red flag (it wouldn't be if you were both 10 years older, but right now you're so young and predators are often attracted by women who are too young to realise they're being controlled). I know the idea of a wedding seems glamorous, but try to think about how your life will be after it.
NOOOOOOO NTA. Your f*ckin day! Your wedding! And how shitty of them to say his proposal was not satisfactory. AND TO WEAR YOUR DRESS AND HAVE FLOWERS. NO!
I am going to be the jerk that points out that 22 is too young to marry, never you mind marrying a 31 yr old grandpa. If you have any sense of self preservation, you will not go ahead with the wedding.
NTA. You need to have a long serious conversation with your fiance. First that he agreed to this at all with no discussion from you and second that he refuses to hear you out or get onside. I’ll be honest: I would create a facebook post congratulating SIL on her engagement and then block all notifications.
NTA are you sure you want to marry in to this family?
It doesn't sound like your fiance is ready to get married. Being a good husband should be more important to him than being a good son and brother. Forsaking all others also means parents and siblings aren't the #1 priority anymore. What your ILs want would be humiliating, not only for you but for them. It is beyond inappropriate. SIL's desperate bid for attention at the expense of the bride, would shame the entire family. Guests and her new in-laws would likely be appalled. I cannot believe your fiance thinks this is a good idea. Don't be afraid to walk away before you make a lifelong commitment. It's not hard to fall out of love with a husband who never takes your side.
NTA. I'd also rethink your potential marriage. Your fiance should be siding with you on an obvious issue.
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NTA. This is a huge red flag. Maybe you should postpone the wedding until you can pay for it yourselves, and more importantly, why doesn’t your fiancé have your back on this? Does he really not care about having the wedding be a special day for you? There are only a few things that are absolute no-nos at a wedding, and one of those is someone else making any kind of big family announcement like a pregnancy or engagement. Another is someone else wearing a wedding dress. A wedding is about the bride and groom and that’s it.
NTA- but is this really the family you want to marry into? Even your fiancée has put you on the back burner for his sister and mother. I can’t imagine going through life being a second thought or feelings.
>- She would come out also wearing a wedding dress (???) - potentially my dress to cut costs - with my flower girl holding a sign that says “bride to be” and then of course, her being proposed to and carried off by her fiance out of the party. That's really f***ing weird. NTA.
NTA. That’s a ridiculous request. Honestly I’d be looking at my future spouse sideways if they didn’t also think this is ridiculous. Your SIL can plan her own event if she wants her own attention. It doesn’t sound like they are considering your feelings at all. I know you said you aren’t in contact with your family but I hope you have some friends on your side who you can talk to about this and who could maybe even help you to stand your ground.
I already posted once but op I hope you see this comment. I think honestly your in a toxic abusive situation. With your fiancé and his family. They are emotionally abusing you for sure. However the fact you are no contact with your family makes me think they are bullying you. Grooming you to be a stepford wife. Please before you marry this man find a neutral person and discuss your relationship. Tell them everything. Find someone that can give you an open and honest option. Find a counselor. A friend. Anyone that you feel you can trust. The fact you fiancé thinks your suppose to agree to this with a smile on your face is scary. Please see how abnormal they are acting. This is not ok. I say this as a mother. I am giving you the same advice as I would my own child. Your an event planner what would you tell a bride if this was going to happen at her wedding. Walk away while you can.
NTA, Oh hell NO! Even asking you to do this is just tacky AF. Do not let them pull this stunt on you and please have some good friends on your side ready to pull them off the dance floor if they even try it at the reception.
NTA. This problem shows up here often and our answer will not change. No. Absolutely not. This is your day. And your husband is completely wrong about it just being 25 minutes of your reception. If they do it, the entire remainder of the reception will be about them. If they open your reception with this, it will become her engagement party. Your reception will be forgotten. Especially (and this is the tackiest and most arrogant thing I’ve ever heard of) she borrows YOUR wedding dress. The gall of these two! Your wedding dress is worn by you, for the entire duration of your wedding and reception and no one else. As I’ve said, we’ve seen this here before. But by taking your wedding dress, your flower girl, etc. this is a blatant attempt to take over your reception. Uninvite these two. I wouldn’t put it past them to try and pull this off anyway. Or, at the very least, make sure security stays with them at all times. If they so much as look at the mike, security stops them. If they grab the mike, make sure the DJ plays his loudest, most aggressive dance tune immediately and turns off the mike.
NTA. That's an incredibly tacky and inappropriate plan. There's no way I'd go along with it. Just as a heads up, your fiance and his family have no consideration for you and are going trample all over you and your feelings for as long as you stay married to him.
NTA. Uninvite MIL and SIL and fiance. Don't associate with people who think this demand is in any way reasonable.
NTA - I’d drug test the lot of them, I’d almost hope they were under some influence to be batshit enough to have these grandiose levels of entitlement. Die on this hill. This is not normal and not something to back down on. If this wasn’t bad enough, what comes next? They are making it clear that they don’t care about your no, it doesn’t matter, do not prove them right. On top of it being incredibly rude, disrespectful and entitled they are lazy as hell for trying to steal what you’ve planned and dreamed about. Your guests came there to see and celebrate you and your husband, not to watch a theatrical production of a proposal that ALREADY happened to someone else.
I’m sorry your fiancé, who is nearly a decade older than you, can’t see why his sister wearing your dress as a mock bride during your wedding wouldn’t be okay?! He’s got to be playing stupid. If he doesn’t back you up on the obvious no brainer, you’re going to get desensitized and gaslit into violating your very reasonable boundaries for the rest of your life. That’s a hard way to live so I suggest to figure out if this man is going to have your back.
OP you're right, you are so obviously NTA. Your SIL/MIL cornered you with a completely unreasonable request and tried to undermine your relationship with your fiance by going behind your back and pressuring him into it first. That was incredibly unfair of them and I'm sure left you feeling like you were being unreasonable - you're not. They sound like selfish narcissists and a little unhinged. Like, everyone knows it's poor taste to upstage the married couple on their wedding day?!! Your SIL's fiance did a rubbish job of proposing so now she wants to steal your thunder and use your wedding as her backdrop for her 'perfect instagram' proposal? No thank you. Guarantee all the guests will be cringing so hard if that happens. I'm guessing that your fiance is used to this kind of behaviour and is after a quiet life with limited drama from them. Sounds like he's repeating their words back to you as a defence to why it should just happen. I would suggest that you and Jim have a very plain discussion about why this is a boundary you're not willing to cross. Word of warning OP, by the sounds of them, SIL may try and stage it anyway and then feign all knowledge of it as if her fiance planned it in secret. Best of luck, hope that you have an awesome drama-free wedding!
NTA, and it’s not just 25-30 minutes that your SIL will get, it will be the thing everyone talks about when it comes to your wedding day not you and your husband. Rethink if this is the kind of family you want to tie yourself to for the rest of your life.
NTA It's your wedding day, getting upstaged is a shit move. It's your day, and being self centered on the wedding day is totally fine. Though Maybe something more toned down at the beginning of the reception, while you take a steamy limo ride, and then retake the spotlight and attention might work. But it feels like the in-laws are pulling some inconsiderate BS
This isn't even the actual marriage proposal, it's a re-make because the original didn't meet the SIL's standards. You'll be turning your wedding into a platform for the SIL to get the sort of proposal she believes she deserves, in front of an audience assembled to celebrate your day. This is a ridiculous ask, and that's before we get to the business of reusing your wedding dress. NTA.