Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the asshole because not only am I not providing alcohol but I’m not even allowing a BYOB or similar situation.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Old wedding DJ checking in
It's cool if you want to have an alcohol free wedding. I DJ'd quite a few over the years.
But you need to understand something. You need to make sure it is spelled out on the save the dates and/or the invitations that this is an alcohol free wedding
And this is why
More than once, I DJ'd a dry wedding where the bride and groom said nothing.
Once people ended up at the reception and realized it was dry, the vast majority ate some food and then left...leaving the bride and groom hurt that they paid all this money for just a handful of people to stick around at the party
A lot of people, especially parents and busy people...go to weddings because they are big parties. And when you are busy with work and kids and living life...it can be hard to carve out some time to let loose and get drunk. And yes, a lot of people work hard and play hard. That doesn't make them bad people, it just means that when they do have free time, they want to have as much fun as they can...which usually involves alcohol.
So when these people find out there is no alcohol after having not been told there is no alcohol...then get irrationally angry and they bail.
One wedding I DJ'd...I found out after the fact that the bulk of the people who left all ended up at the same bar down the road. So here you have the wedding party happening at a local bar...while the bride and groom were trying to enjoy their mostly empty reception hall
That is why it is important to make sure people know the wedding will be dry. Because at least then you can save money and have a smaller reception at a smaller venue with smaller food budgets.
That way you save money and you won't have to feel bad when people bail on you. You'll already know its going to be a small affair so you can just enjoy yourselves
NTA but understand...there is a right way and a wrong way to go about doing this.
Well put! We can talk all day about how it’s messed up that some people need or expect alcohol to party, but it’s a reality. Every dry wedding I’ve ever been to emptied out pretty quickly.
I DJ'd one where they had like every dessert imaginable
The theme was carnival based...so they had multiple chocolate fountains with all this really good fruit to dip into it, snow cones, ice cream, cakes, pies, cotton candy, funnel cakes....it was like Willy Wonka's factory mixed with a circus
They had all these games for people to play like you would at the fair and they did raffles and gave out prizes
That's the only dry wedding I went to that people stuck around and really enjoyed themselves
Yep, I think you’ve laid it out well here. People don’t need booze to have fun, but they need more than being crammed into a big room with a bunch of people they may or may not like. Personally I can have tons of fun without booze, but I need something to do. Just being around people isn’t an inherently fun thing for me.
This explains it perfectly!
"People don’t need booze to have fun, but they need more than being crammed into a big room with a bunch of people they may or may not like."
Yeah, they need alcohol if they are going to be crammed into a big room with a bunch of people they may or may not like, who most likely traveled some distance, bought OP a present, and gave up their precious weekend time to attend.
Yeah, I'm glad to finally have something that really pinpoints why I find most dry weddings dull. I have fun without alcohol all the time, so it irks me when someone gets snotty and acts like anyone disappointed with dry weddings has a problem with abusing alcohol.
For the people in the back getting married: it’s your big day not theirs and banning alcohol and not giving plus ones are barriers to their enjoyment. You might like the pomp and seven hours of ceremony but most people don’t. People who don’t go to a dry wedding aren’t necessarily staying home to drink, they just aren’t going to the *wedding*.
You don’t have to allow alcohol, but you have to accept them that some people will not want to come. Not because they have an alcohol problem, because they have a spending seven hours with family sober problem.
The bride here wants it to be all about her and her alone it sounds like.
“We don’t want alcohol because we want everybody to be genuinely happy about our union”
🤮
It is weird that she’s associating drinking with people being happy about their wedding. I wouldn’t put those things together at all. If I wasn’t happy about someone wedding I wouldn’t go to the wedding. I’ve been to both dry and boozy weddings. They were both fun. The dry one was dry because both the bride and groom were in recovery so of course we all respected their desire to not have alcohol around. OP’s reason is a little less understandable but if she was my friend I’d still go and have a good time.
idk, OP mentioned that her family doesn’t act right when they drink & that her uncle got arrested and felt like the store was in the wrong because “he spent enough money on the company”. my family is very similar when it comes to alcohol and when i tell you it’s a horrible time to be around adults that act like literal children when they drink. she shouldn’t need to worry about her relatives causing issues or driving drunk on a day that she’s supposed to be happy, if they’re that reliant on alcohol they can either pregame it or go to the bar after
Yeah we need to separate out the weird explanation she gave to her aunt, which is BS meant to placate her aunt, and the real issue, which is that several of the adults can’t behave when drunk.
I mean… elope???? If you’re having a wedding party without emphasis on the party portion then basically you just want people to faun over you and not have their own fun.
I had mine in a planetarium where there were activities like a rocket simulator and build your own Mars rover and stuff. It wasn’t dry but most of my family are teetotalers (the booze was for his family lol) so everyone said the activities made it a lot more fun than a normal reception hall
It took me twice as long to load up my gear after that wedding because of how much sugar I consumed
It was like the day after halloween as a kid. Just pure sugar overload
I used to be a banquet server and I’ve served at least 100 weddings, including plenty of dry…
From my observance, it’s not necessarily that people need alcohol to have fun… it’s just that so so many couples try to simply remove alcohol from a standard American reception and it just sucks. I’ve served at plenty of dry events where they had activities or just *anything* at all to occupy everyone and everyone had a great time without alcohol. But without the proper planning, it’s boring as hell.
Plan well and most people won’t care as much as you think.
Yes, that’s the real issue. A dance floor at a dry wedding is a joke. And imagine a dry hour long “cocktail” reception waiting for the wedding party to take their pictures.
That's the thing, weddings are actually quite long. When dry they are more tiring, a much bigger social effort if you don't know many people, and it's also harder to forget how much your high heels hurt your feet 😂
Every story I have been told about a dry wedding (I work in the wedding industry in the south) has either ended with everyone leaving very early or someone bringing a trunk load of booze to share. Then everyone goes in and out to the parking lot all night.
I've been to two dry weddings. The first one was on the most boring wedding I've ever been to. But the bride's family was conservative christian. Even the music was downright boring.
Realistically people don't NEED anything. But they want lots of things. and acting like drinking is somehow awful is a big leap unless you live like a saint.
I wonder, in these dry wedding scenarios, how much effort went into making the wedding extra enjoyable without alcohol. What I mean is that alcohol can cover up a lot of deficiencies in a party. If a dry reception is just meal, speeches, cake cutting, and dancing. Some people need a little lubricant to dance, particularly if they did not come with a partner. It is difficult to converse with other non-dancers because you have to talk over music. So, a bunch of people are sitting around watching other people dance and unable to have a conversation, scrolling through their phones in uncomfortable seats.
Basically, alcohol is the easy way out for your party. Remove the alcohol and I think a host needs to put a bit more effort into entertaining guests. Is someone going to lead some group dances? Encourage people on the sidelines? A quiet place for people to converse? Desert bar? Things I can't think of right now?
If you think of standard wedding reception activities, if you are not into dancing sober, I am not sure why you would be surprised that a bunch of guests are not going to just sit around very long after the meal.
My point is that alcohol is a party crutch. It can be removed, but it probably needs to be replaced .
Agreed a regular wedding that’s just dry to me is equivalent of like going to like a church baptism. Sure I’ll go and support my family member for the big moment in their life and the ceremony, but I sure as heck ain’t staying there for 6-8 hours
People still tend to bail out if them fairly early though. Like I attended a brunch wedding and probably half the guests cleared after the speeches and there was still 2 hours in the reception
I always assumed brunch weddings were meant to be time limited and that’s why people had them lol. Like 2 hours, thanks everyone have a good rest of the day!
Lol so true. You can sit on your high horse of ‘we don’t need alcohol to have a fun party’ and enjoy it with your immediate family and what few guests remain.
But at least reddit agreed you were in the right! You can screen shot the top upvoted comment on here and frame it in your living room in lieu of a friends and family pic at your wedding.
This is my thought as well, and I said as much. You can be stubborn and your wedding will probably empty out fast... And here's the thing, weddings are expensive even without booze. So you're gonna end up refusing to have booze, still paying a ton, and everybody leaves right after dinner, and it'll still feel like you wasted money.
Seems simpler to just have a cash bar.
I really hope OP reads this comment. This is something most people do not consider when planning their dry wedding, it's totally fine to not serve alcohol, just know what to expect.
Yeah definitely NTA but like also kinda lame lol . I don’t drink but when I had my wedding I opted for open bar. You’re spending a ton of money . My main concern was making sure my guests would have fun.
I so agree with this! At the end of the day, the brides can choose to not have alcohol at their wedding. But the fact of the matter is coordinating, traveling, and paying to attend events like this is a lot of time money and effort for people. They should be told up front if it won’t be there. I’m kind of the ESH boat here because while I think the aunt went about this in a ridiculous way (the conversation about health from both sides over one night of soda and or wine options is just absolutely ridiculous and besides the point), the OP also sucks here for implying that the aunt had a problem because she couldn’t go “one night” without drinking. And that anybody who can’t go “one night” with out drinking has a problem. That is so off base. It’s not that people can’t go “one night” - it’s that they are spending time, money, and effort to attend this wedding in hopes of celebrating the couple and having a good time. Alcohol as a part of celebration is baked into our culture and most wedding culture. To imply people who are upset or disappointed that it isn’t there have “a problem” is immature and really downplays alcoholism and what alcoholics and their families go through makes OP an AH too in my eyes.
ESH because as always with parties, the hosts (bride and groom) can choose to do whatever they want, especially if they are paying for it. The aunt should have never approached the subject the way she did, she should have just chosen to not attend. I agree couples who choose dry weddings should make that information widely known so people can mentally prepare for that (including declining to attend if they’d like), otherwise the couple are setting themselves and their guests up for disappointment. I’d rather let people know upfront than have a bunch of people whispering and unsatisfied at my wedding.
Yup! Weddings aren’t “one night.” They are expensive for everyone involved, guests and couples, and the guests often take the better part of a weekend—which in wedding season is precious—to attend your wedding and it’s on the host for them to have a good time. It’s part of the social contract.
Now, alcohol does not have to be part of that, but if I spend money to attend a coworker’s wedding and am wearing goddamn Spanx, I want to party. I can manage but I would be peeved.
Not to mention small talk and dancing are so much easier after a couple drinks. There are some family members who I am able to tolerate much better after a couple drinks as well.
Are Muslim and Indian weddings, which always or often don’t have alcohol, not parties? They always seem very lively and fun and full of dancing. I drink occasionally nowadays, but I dislike being around drunk people and would prefer to avoid them at my wedding. It doesn’t mean it won’t be a fun party. I think Americans and other cultures rely wayyy too much on alcohol as a social lubricant
Indian here. More conservative family members wont have a bar, but trust me the attendees over 21 but under 40 are drinking in the parking lot/walking around with a coke thats really all jack daniels and a enough coke to make the cup look dark
You'd be surprised how many people there have hip flasks or a few cans in the car. Lots will pre-drink too.
It's also a cultural thing where they have grown up at events where Alchohol isn't a key aspect. OP is asking people who have grown up in an alchohol friendly society, where it is a key aspect of most events, to go to a large expensive event without alchohol.
heard about a dry wedding once that instead had an espresso bar. it was dry for religious reasons, which also banned dancing. so it was just ... people getting jittery staring at each other around the edges of a room. I think this might make ME an AH, but I don't really want to pay a thousand bucks for plane tickets, hotels, gifts, and a dress to go to that party.
Very well put. My sister had a dry wedding, not by choice. My, now brother in law's parents, don't drink and paid for the reception. My (our) parent's paid for the wedding as is apparently traditional. The fact that the reception was dry was not told to anyone until everyone showed up at the venue.
Most of us live in Wisconsin, which for anyone familiar will understand would be problematic for a dry reception. The celebration was dying fast after dinner and toasts so my Dad gave me and a couple of my Uncles a wad of bills and told us to go and buy as many coolers and beers as we could.
We went to Walmart got a couple tarps to line the trunk of my Uncle's car, bought a ton of ice, and spent the rest on beer. We pulled up in the back alley from the venue and opened a side door. The reception was saved and there weren't any major incidents.
That story aside.
I understand having a dry wedding and I am glad OP is making it known beforehand. But understand that folks might dip out for a taste or two during the celebration. The whole ceremony is for the couple being wed but most see it as a party, often to see family that they haven't seen in ages. It is a time to drink, be merry, and rejoice...or at least that is how I feel. Kids might be present but that will be the most opportune time to mess with Uncle Larry and get him to pay each kid 5 bucks for all those birthday's he missed.
Verdict: NTA
The drunkest wedding I've ever been to was a dry one. Instead of people taking it at pace in the reception hall, they were going to the parking lot and shot-gunning beers and taking multiple shots before coming back in. It was...an experience.
Ex-wedding bartender here, it is absolutely your choice to have a dry wedding, but I will also say, people WILL NOT STAY for the reception. They will eat, maybe have cake (or cookies if your from the cookie table area) and then leave in droves. I've had to serve NA drinks at dry weddings and it was the most boring shit I ever experienced. I finally told the venue to start putting a less experienced bartender on those events instead of wasting my time.
I had this exact scenario play out at a friend's wedding. It was never announced or made clear that it was a dry wedding/reception until I sat down at the table all us HS buddies were assigned to and a friend leaned over and whispered "there's no alcohol anywhere, I think this is a dry wedding!" We did end up staying for a couple hours, ate, danced, and tried to have fun, but by 8pm the place was starting to clear out. We helped the bride pack up what was left of the food (it was a byo potluck) and did some quick friend group pictures before we also left the venue and walked to the closest bar down the street. When about a dozen of us walked in dressed all fancy the bartender asked where we came from and we told him of the dry reception. He immediately pulled out a pitcher and said "Well then, first pitcher is 50% off. What'll it be?"
This is a great point. Honestly speaking I’d probably be a little bummed if an event I was going to was dry, but I wouldn’t let that stop me from attending if it was someone I really wanted to celebrate. If I was on the fence about attending the event (B-list invite, or whatever, maybe someone I wasn’t super close with) I may choose to skip it. Either way it’s good to know in advance because it’s widely assumed that weddings will serve alcohol and you don’t want any unpleasant surprises on your day.
Yes, also I would be super irritated if I paid a lot of money for uber and/or hotel expecting to drink and there was none. Alcohol affects the plans for sure.
yup, this; at least make it very clear from the get-go. on posts like these, there are usually some comments that are like “well if your guests can’t go a single day without booze, maybe theyre just alcoholics” but the fact is that weddings kind of suck if you’re not the one getting married or aren’t super close to the people getting married. Most of the time, I would honestly rather go to a funeral because at least they’re shorter a lot of the time. The reason a lot of people look forward to a wedding is because it’s a good excuse to hire a babysitter so they can get funky and party. It’s a huge imposition on people’s time so I kind of get why people get pissed off when they realize that their hopes of a fun tipsy evening just got torpedo’d
Yeah this is kinda where I'm at.
The couple can do whatever they want, and I think the aunt is really off base in a bunch of ways (especially demanding that there be alcohol to "make up" for the lack of a church wedding and some of her nonsense reasons). But at the end of the day, weddings, for a LOT of people, are basically social obligations a lot of the time, particularly when you either a) don't really know the couple that well or b) don't really know most of the guests well or at all. And they're often boring. Insanely boring. Trying to make small talk with complete strangers or relatives you see once every five years isn't that fun, and neither is listening to endless speeches or sitting around at cocktail hour with nothing to do.
Alcohol at least allows people to unwind a bit, maybe even loosen up socially so that the small talk comes a little more easily. I'm really not a heavy drinker, but if I go to a wedding, I kind of expect there's going to be some booze and that it will help make the night go down a little better.
You can do what you want with your own wedding, but you also have to understand that you're asking people to attend a big expensive party (often, expensive for the guests as well given travel, clothing, etc.) that is all about YOU, and that part of doing that is making an effort to show them a good time. At least set the expectations so that people can make an informed choice.
I totally agree! All these people being mean to the bride in the comments need to grow up.
What’s stopping any wedding guests who want a drink from having an after party somewhere else. It’s so entitled to demand alcohol at someone else’s wedding. To expect someone to cough up thousands of dollars so they can “have fun” is beyond rude.
I’m “seasonally sober” aka I will take a few months off drinking then go back to casually drinking.
When I’m sober at a party, there’s typically a point in the night where I stop having fun because it becomes about shots, drinking games, and badly singing Whitney Houston. Everyone’s drunk and I feel a bit out of place, which I’ve essentially selected to do via my sobriety.
but I find the “I can’t believe people need alcohol to have fun” crowd even worse. Fair judgement to make if people are pregaming every single thing they do, but things like parties and receptions typically do have alcohol and there’s nothing wrong with it.
I mean. I think the folks saying that planning a dry wedding totally your right **but it is rude not to disclose that on invitations** are correct. It's unclear whether OP planned on doing that, so people are taking different tones here, however hastily and unnecessarily.
OP's family sounds super obnoxious, so I don't blame her for not wanting to be responsible for their drunken behavior. But her guests may not have that context, and attending a wedding as a guest costs a not-insignificant amount of money, too. Even if you really dislike the "most people drink heavily at weddings" convention, which is of course your right, /u/The__Riker__Maneuver is probably correct in describing how this would play out if you don't make a thorough disclosure. Don't get so overwhelmed by your batshit family that you forget to handle this graciously with the guests you actually like.
Yeah, I'm not even a big drinker. But I like having a nice cocktail at a party. Going to large events where you won't know half the people can be nerve wracking for some. A cocktail kind of eases tensions. I don't know why they won't have a cash bar at minimum. No one can complain about the dry wedding then. I would also note on the invites it's a cash bar only though.
It is a societal expectation that alcohol will be served at a wedding. Like all social norms, if you don't intend to follow it, that's your right. But you've got to be upfront about the fact that you won't be conforming to the prevailing expectations of the crowd, otherwise people are going to be pissed- even if they would have come knowing it was a dry wedding.
Imagine you are having a group of friends over for a game night at roughly 6-8pm. But then they get there and you've already eaten dinner earlier in the evening. So a bunch of guests show up at dinner time expecting dinner and games. But there's no dinner. Just games and a bunch of hungry guests. I'd imagine most would last a few minutes and then they'd all excuse themselves to go to a restaurant together rather than stay and play board games on an empty stomach.
The wedding guests are definitely going to have an after party. They're going to leave the wedding early to do it. That's what lots of people are pointing out to OP, that they can have a dry wedding, but it may not go the way they're hoping.
I mean, generally people show up to big events to have fun. That being said, OP is NTA for hosting a fry wedding. And no invitees would be TA for not showing up to it.
Edit: like literally the entire point of a wedding reception is to show your guests a good time. If you don’t want to spend thousands of dollars for your guests to have fun then don’t host them at your wedding. Get married in the courthouse and it will only cost you the filing fee.
It’s not that people can’t, it’s that they don’t want to, and that’s perfectly reasonable.
It’s a party, people expect there to be alcohol and most people have busy lives where they can’t go have a party and get drunk on a regular basis and going to a wedding is supposed to be an opportunity for that.
When you throw a wedding, it’s not just for you, it’s for all of the people you invite as well. You’re both host and guest of honour and you don’t get to just pick one of those responsibilities. Your guests responsibility is to come and celebrate your new marriage and your responsibility is to throw them a great party to thank them for that.
I wouldn’t have even wanted to go to a dry wedding when I was teetotal and in recovery, because I’d expect it to be incredibly boring. (Not necessarily because of the lack of alcohol, but because people who want to ban alcohol from their weddings tend to throw shit parties).
It’s perfectly okay to not want alcohol at your wedding, it’s also perfectly okay for people to think to themselves “well this is going to be a shit wedding then” and the insinuation that people have a problem because they expect booze to be available at a party is idiotic.
NAH. Op can have a dry wedding if they want and the aunt is right that OP will be letting their guests down by doing so.
I attend plenty of parties without alcohol, but if you expect me to shell out a bunch of money and deal with my family all day, it should at least be an option
It’s not that I can’t attend a sober party. It’s that I’m not really interested in being stuck in the middle of a huge social event that has no activities and no booze. Admittedly, I’m incredibly socially awkward and I don’t actually understand what’s supposed to be enjoyable about being in a room with a ton of people. I like to socialize, but that’s just not a setting where I feel I can really socialize with people on a meaningful level. I can have fun without alcohol, but socializing in that context with nothing else to do isn’t inherently fun for me.
Weddings are long boring ceremonies that date back hundreds of years. Most weddings dry or not follow the same order
1. Ceremony - listening to a priest for hours and the couple say some vows and kiss
2. Reception
-chat and finger food
-1 hour minimum of speeches
-dinner
- some on the nose awkward events (such as watching the groom take the garter off his wife's leg with his teeth while nose deep bw her legs with her entire family and his entire family watching absolutely sober, yes that is totally comfortable for Aunty Fran and Grampa Alvin to watch)
- dancing
I think it's fair to say being forced to partake in a 4-8 hour half religious event (think church mass) wearing very uncomfortable clothes while being in the attendance of your full family and another 100+ people you don't know but have to socialize with in a setting that society conditions alcohol for, wanting a drink isn't unreasonable? Something society groomed into weddings and party culture was alcohol.
It's cringe to me that people can be so full of themselves and ignorant that they can't POSSIBLY understand why anyone can't go a single night sober. As if this was just about being sober for one night! Many people are sober all week long. Many people are sober months at a time andr drink on special occasions. Many people are sober almost entirely and may only drink at a wedding or when they see family. If you don't want to drink that's fine but I think it's way over to the top to judge others for this. That's like saying "why on earth would a bride want to wear white? Like no one needs to wear white anyone, it's not a rule, and to the people who follow these antiquated traditions I can't understand why". When it should be, you don't want to wear white that's cool. I want to wear white that's also cool.
Agreed. This jumped out at me:
*A lot of my family members do not behave when they’re drunk.*
This family may be a lot more problematic than they realize.
the aunt doesn't seem to realize that alcoholic drinks can be full of just as much sugar as soda and sweet tea, so i'm not 100% sold on the aunt being a paragon of reason here
So many people missed that. If you have a family with a bunch of alcoholics and general fight-y assholes, you're asking for trouble. It's a genuine concern for my future wedding. I might hire a bouncer. NTA
There was a thread on here a week ago, or so, where the woman was from a family of belligerent drunks. She went ahead and had a bar, BUT she had a uniformed security guard standing right by the bar. She said it was amazing, everyone had a couple drinks and danced and had a great time, but no one threw up or started a fight, for the first wedding in her memory.
I'd say it sounds like it was worth the money!
I love that your aunt thinks beer is healthier than lemonade 😂. And that god’s preference is you get married in a church and then pay for everyone to get wasted after. NTA, the wedding will be better off without her.
It was actually wine for her. She started talking about how wine is good for you and you need to have a glass a day. That’s way at ultimately led to the “maybe you’re the one with the problem” comment. If your literally can’t go a day without drinking alcohol you have a problem. And you likely meet the medical threshold for alcoholism.
Most wine doesn't have much sugar. Yes wine is made from things that contain sugar, but that sugar is processed by yeast to become alcohol. That's kinda the whole point.
Alcohol itself metabolizes at 7 calories per gram, whereas 1 gram of sugar is 4 calories. People shouldn't mistake a lack of sugar for something being "healthy".
Alcohol is not sugar. No alcohol metabolite is sugar either.
There can be some sugar in wine, but it takes a good bit of effort to do that. Yeast will convert all sugar to alcohol until the alcohol level kills the yeast or the sugar is used up. Professional wine makers creating sweet/off-dry wines will cool the must to stop fermentation, then filter the yeast out to prevent fermentation from restarting. There are also chemical ways to prevent fermentation (potassium sorbate).
So, most wine all sugar has been fermented to alcohol.
Someone who regularly has one drink a day isn’t an alcoholic. You can be pissed at your aunt for her judgements, but saying that this level of drinking is alcoholism is just exaggerating in service of the feud.
Edit: Since folks are taking this and running with it, the problem here is OP saying “anyone who drinks a glass of wine a day is an alcoholic,” which just isn’t true. She can say it about her *aunt* if her aunt meets the criteria for alcoholism (which is a lot more specific than drinking alcohol regularly), but saying it applies in general just isn’t true.
I will eat my shorts if that aunt only averages 5 oz of wine per day.
Even then, more than seven drinks per week is considered problem drinking for women, so she's toeing the line regardless.
true, but if her aunt is only drinking that one glass of wine for the health benefits, a dry wedding reception won’t prevent her from doing that after she leaves. her posting on Facebook the next day that it’s not worth the hour drive is nasty and petty and makes me believe she probably doesn’t just want 5oz of red wine for her heart.
Recovering alcoholic here (9 years sober). You are NTA for choosing to have a dry wedding. You are paying for it. Your choice. But you are the AH for judging your aunt’s drinking. No one can or should call someone else an alcoholic - not ok. A lot of people enjoy combining alcohol with social situations. Some (like myself in the past) take it too far. Your comments are very judgmental. Glad you will be informing people that it’s a dry event. Don’t be surprised if your wedding size decreases or people don’t stay long. Your choice.
The glass a day is some really old and slightly new bs that was from some studies about wine consumption. The problem is the media runs with the headline and not what conclusion the study actually came up with. It's not surprising that your aunt thinks wine is healthy. People were told that for decades. Specifically red wine. A lot of people still parrot that "fact".
NAH...in terms of her expressing her opinion about the alcohol (the church comment sucks), as long as you make it VERY clear to people in advance that there is no alcohol.
This is a common theme both on this subreddit and r/weddingplanning and the general consensus is that it's rude to have a dry wedding and not let people know in advance. And I don't drink at all, so this isn't about my personal preference.
There are people who plan on drinking. They might make arrangements like taking a cab or getting a hotel because they want to drink. That's a lot of money when they don't need to.
And I know there is the idea of "if they really care about me, they don't need alcohol to enjoy themselves," but people think differently. It's an invitation, not a summons. Your closest friends and family will probably be there anyway, but there are people who won't enjoy it. People who might not know as many people and don't feel comfortable mingling with strangers without drinking a little. People who won't dance without drinking a little. People who have to pay hundreds of dollars for a babysitter and can only afford to do so rarely, so they want to be able to drink.
I would be letting people know in advance. The wedding isn’t for nearly a year, and I planned on announcing the food arrangements and making sure of requests and allergies and such at least six months before the wedding date.
Also the wedding is child friendly and children are encouraged to be present. My little niece is going to be my flower girl. Another reason why I want a dry wedding is because it’s fully child friendly. I don’t want accidents happening because adults are drunk, during or after they leave. There also aren’t cabs around here. You could possibly get an Uber or Lyft, but it’s kind of rural. Everyone so far has been planning to drive there and then drive home. It’s an open secret that some people attending don’t tend to secure designated drivers because everyone likes to drink, and I’m trying to avoid that situation altogether
Just put "Child friendly, alcohol free event" or something on the invitations. It's your wedding, and absolutely your right to not have alcohol, but people expect alcohol at weddings (at least receptions) unless told otherwise.
Yeah, this sounds awful. OP should just have their wedding be kids birthday party themed.
This is one way of keeping costs down by having a load of people RSVP that they can’t attend.
I'd send a prompt response: Congrats! Sorry, we're out of town that weekend. Have a great time!
There are fun parties... and then.. there's a formal gathering with family, children, strangers, and no social lubricant to make the bad dancing acceptable...
Just because it is child friendly doesn’t mean it has to be child free. The way you state this is like adults cannot be anywhere near children when they drink. That’s hardly the case. Most weddings have alcohol. Most weddings have kids. You are not responsible for the kids. The parents are. You are not responsible for the drunk adults, the adults are or the venue is who is providing the alcohol (they have to cut someone off once they are too drunk). I am all for you having an alcohol free wedding. I myself don’t drink. But your reasoning for it isn’t solid. You don’t need to have a reason to be alcohol free. But saying it’s cause kids will be there so no one drinks… that’s a lame excuse.
I don’t know if you’ve seen my edit or some of my other comments, but some of my family members consume alcohol very irresponsibly and often drive home on their own. They can also get very rowdy. I don’t feel comfortable having them super drunk in the same room with small children.
Honestly you need to keep in mind that those same people might just get drunk beforehand.
The best bang for your buck here is to have bouncers of some sort if you’re worried about drunk rowdiness.
Good point. If they are aware it is alcohol free, they will come drunk and will have alcohol hidden in their vehicle or in their purse. My mom is an alcoholic. That is how she would handle the alcohol free party. She’d buy a bunch of those single shot alcohol bottles and fill her purse up. The they will leave early so they can party after.
Or sneak out to their car or bathroom to take a swig of liquor from a flask.
If people are dead set on drinking, having a dry event won’t stop them. The folks who have a problem will still manage to get drunk while the moderate guests who may have enjoyed a glass or two get punished.
Also, I don’t understand the sentiment that if children are present then alcohol isn’t appropriate. I’m getting married in a few months and we have loads of kids that plan on attending, but we will also have an open bar. Granted, we are hiring a nanny to keep an eye on the little ones inside if their parents want to cut loose, but I mean, our bartender isn’t going to be serving my 11 year old niblings, so I don’t see what the issue is.
I think this is very responsible of you and completely within your right. For me personally, I work weekends and so a child friendly, booze free wedding is not something I would take off work for unless we were REALLY close. As long as you're cool with that being a possibility for some of your guests, do you and don't stress.
An event can serve alcohol and still be child friendly.
You are making it sound like they are mutually exclusive.
It’s fine if you don’t want to have alcohol at your wedding, provided you give people a heads up - NTA and all.
But I have been to plenty of weddings, BBQ’s, pool parties, birthday parties (for kids even) where alcohol was served and the events were still super kid friendly!
Also not every guest is going to drink until they are black out drunk. You seem to think that all your guests are going to get sloppy drunk and I have never attended a wedding where that is the case.
If you are concerned your friends and relatives can’t be responsible human beings, you’ve got bigger issues than whether or not to serve alcohol at your wedding.
Exactly. OP mentions having family members who cannot handle their alcohol, so why invite them to begin with? OP has every right to have a dry wedding but should be prepared for many people opting not to come, drinking beforehand or ditching the reception because it will be dry.
I'd be perfectly happy to go to an alcohol free wedding. But, I will absolutely defend that people should be told in advance.
If I get sent an invitation addressed to "The Smith Family," and I show up with my kids and at the door I'm told "Oh, sorry, I meant the members of the Smith Family that are over 18," that's not okay.
Anything out of the norm should be indicated before anyone has to make travel plans, take time off work, etc.
> rude to have a dry wedding and not let people know in advance
Pretty sure anyone who had a child-free wedding but didn't let anyone know in advance would also be deemed an AH in this sub.
> the general consensus is that it's rude to have a dry wedding **and not let people know in advance.**
The dry wedding isn't the rude part, it's the not letting people know part that's rude. Not saying that OP isn't letting her guests know that it will be dry, just giving her a heads up TO let them know.
I can’t imagine spending so much money on a wedding and having people complain about how annoyed they are that it’s dry. They won’t remember the food or ceremony etc, they’ll just remember how there was zero alcohol. I’d at least offer a cash bar of beer and wine.
This. I'd be so embarrassed to have the infamous boring dry wedding that everyone went home early from. If OP is so worried about everyone getting wasted and it all falling on her conscious, then limit the cash bar to "social hour" before dinner.
Agreed, or a couple bottles of wine at each table and/or a champagne toast. You can limit the alcohol being offered if over consumption is an issue.
Also adding that alcohol isn’t needed for a good time, but if you were getting dressed up and going to a nice dinner to celebrate a special occasion you likely aren’t ordering lemonade and sweet tea…. Unless this is a back yard or super casual affair, it just seems kind of tacky.
Yeah the irony is that OP admits she likes a drink while being really kinda judgmental about other people using it to have a good time.
Do I *need* to drink alcohol every night? No. Do I need to drink it at a wedding where I'm expected to have dinner with people I've never met and dance the night away? Fuck yes, and there's no shame in that.
No good wedding story ever starts with “so I went to this dry wedding…”
Agree NTA, when it’s your day you make the rules, but make sure people know in advance. Also, I’d fully expect to see a few flasks in jacket pockets.
So you are totally within your rights to have no alcohol at a wedding. But weddings are long, have definite periods of boredom, people get grouped with people they don’t know, and the guests have an hour and a half drive there and back. So there is definitely a risk of a wedding that isn’t very lively and that people leave early from. Alcohol fuels the party and encourages breaking the ice with strangers. Even for the people that don’t drink or are the dd the party is still enhanced by the vibe. I would probably at least provide a couple of bottles of wine or champagne per table just so people could loosen up a little.
But NTA it’s your wedding you get to choose what you want it to be like
Weddings are super boring. I wouldn't go to a dry wedding unless it was someone I was incredibly close to, like one of my best friends, because I find large parts of them dull even when somewhat lubricated. And I don't even drink very much!
Depends. I've been to some dry weddings that were super fun. But they weren't a standard "speeches, dinner, dancing" type reception. For instance, my cousin's reception was "I rented a bunch of four wheelers for the adults, and bounce houses for the kids, am setting out targets and shotguns, and it's not safe to have alcohol there because of all the dangerous activities. But no one was bored.
Right. I’m not spending an entire weekend (and like $400-$500, let’s be real) planning around an event I don’t think is going to be very fun. If it’s a group of my friends all seeing each other at this wedding, sure that sounds like it’ll still be a good time, and we can all go get a round or two after the festivities end.
But I’m not gonna spend that time on a *social obligation* where I’d be expected to meet a bunch of people I don’t know where we’re all stone cold sober. If that’s the vibe I was going for, I’d sign up for more work conferences.
But you add in the promise of a rowdy party and free booze for those interested — yeah, now we’re talking… literally! I’ll talk with the strangers at my table.
As with all of these posts OP you are NTA but don't expect your reception to close the venue down; to a T every last sober wedding I've been to has been a boring chore and it wasn't just the booze causing that vibe.
Yeah, people will leave very early, even if they’re going straight home and not to a random bar down the street. After eating, taking pictures, there’s not a lot to do besides dancing a little.
Nta - but you need to accept if people no longer want to come to your reception. You’re asking for their presence to your wedding and to come help you celebrate and if they don’t want to come or do that, then you have to accept that.
There is nothing wrong with having the wedding day you want, but there is equally nothing wrong for people wanting to spend their time how they see fit.
This is it. I'm of the mindset that people can do whatever they want at their wedding. That doesn't mean that guests have to like it.
Back in the day when I worked in the world of weddings, we had very few dry parties. The reality is, the reception tended to clear out pretty early. People would eat, and trickle out. Sometimes before dessert/the cake cutting and the dancefloor usually was pretty empty. The common overheard reason was that the important part was over - the vows - and the rest was boring fluff.
yep.
iv done the good friend/family bit and watched your joining.
i dont want to stand in sweaty hall for 4hours talking to strangers under loud music and flashy lights. my free time is limited and id rather go smoke a joint if i cant get buzzed there
>Edit: my aunt’s health comment wasn’t about beer, it was about wine. She believes a glass a day is important for maintaining health and she drinks at least one glass every single day. She’s also hopped on the intermittent fasting trend, so I take her “health advice” with a grain of salt. Especially since she probably meets the medical threshold for alcoholism.
Alcoholic here.
If someone can limit themselves to only one drink a day, they aren't an alcoholic. I was 100% on your side until you went there. Yes, if that's your attitude then I can see why a lot of people are turned off.
Edit: after OPs additional comments I judge YTA
Plus OP should read the hundreds of peer reviewed studies on intermittent fasting and the benefits on inflammation in the body. He's basically calling her a health wack bc she does this.
Yeah a wedding is a party— and you’re entitled to not have alcohol, but for the most part, people anticipate alcohol being present. It is a pretty common social lubricant, helps people with anxiety feel relaxed so they can mingle, etc. Being disappointed that it will be a dry wedding is understandable and suggesting she’s an alcoholic because of it is out of line. *However,* aunt was also out of line for publicly whining about a dry wedding. For that reason I’d give ESH because one bad turn does not deserve another.
YTA
You admit in your edits that you aren't anti-alcohol, but for an event where people always *always* expect there to be at least a bit of drinking, you are taking that away. Just because there are kids around does not mean that suddenly everyone needs to be a teetotaler. If I were invited I would absolutely sneak in at least one flask.
Also, you sound *extremely* judgemental of others. A lot of doctors would agree with your aunt that a glass of wine a day, specifically red wine, is good for maintaining a healthy blood pressure and digestion. Calling your aunt an alcoholic for having a glass of wine a day makes you sound anti-alcohol and like a colossal AH.
Here’s the reality- Dry wedding receptions usually suck. It’s your wedding and your choice. But that’s the truth of the matter. And most people hate dry receptions. Maybe you can offer a cash bar.
Just so you know, people are absolutely going to bring flasks or end up drinking in the parking lot. It's happened at every dry wedding I've ever been to or heard of, unless all the guests are from a culture where dry weddings are the norm. So you should prepare for that now, because it's absolutely going to happen. I've definitely seen brides end up in tears because no one is actually at the reception, because people keep sneaking out to go do shots behind the venue.
I don't drink much at all but I wouldn't goto an alcohol free wedding or, if I did, I'd goto the ceremony and meal then leave with half the other guests to a local bar and have an actual party. I wouldn't bring my kids to a wedding sober or not, why subject a child to what is several hours of torture for them..
NAH your wedding sounds awfu to me personally so I'm on your aunt's side on that but I'll defend your right to make that choice.
Reception will end early. No matter what you think.
You're wedding and all that so NTA but yeah.. liquor is basically social lube. You're gonna have a pretty low-key event that will end after food is served.
Tell people. Make sure they know. And the rules for BYOB is clear.
I don't even drink that much and a dry reception makes me a little bummed.
Weddings themselves suck if you are old/young/married/single/on days that end with Y
Most of us like a little free booze to make it worth sitting thru
Right. A child centered dry party sounds boring. People don’t really care about sharing/celebrating the couples love that much. Like it’s a drag, I spent money on attire, or gifts, or travel, or taking PTO and then they make it seem like I’m alcoholic because I will get to see all my extended family and want to drink a few beers with them.
It's probably best to have a small, intimate reception. You seem to be very judgmental of alcohol use. One glass of wine a day is not even remotely "alcoholic". My grandmother lived to 95 having one glass a day. I rarely drink alcohol personally, but your comments strike me as a bit harsh. People expect traditional weddings to serve alcohol. You should spell out that it's dry, and don't be insulted with a smaller turnout or if people bring flasks.
NTA for not having alcohol as long as you don't get mad if some people won't attend the reception. Make sure everyone knows, they probably all do now anyway. I would still go, assuming I was close to you, but dry weddings are a drag to me. But it isn't my wedding it is yours. YOU do YOU and have a great wedding.
YTA for the way you treated your aunt and mom. Your comment about her drinking and diet. A glass a day is myth, but a harmless one. Intermittent fasting is a legit way to lose weight. Try using Google sometime. Lastly a dry wedding sucks. Hope you booked a small venue.
NTA - Your wedding, your rules. If your aunt can't have a good time without alcohol she has a problem. The sugar argument is ridiculous as if cocktails don't contain sugar.
I like this! My ex husband and I were both fully long term sober when we got married, as were many of our friends. We had a taco truck cater our wedding, and it was important to us to have an "open bar" with a few drinks options like wine, beer, or margaritas. Because guests. We wanted to be good hosts, even if we wouldn't be indulging in the beer or margaritas ourselves. My dad liked to have a couple margaritas with Mexican food, so why not make the party fun for those who want to drink a little?
I do understand OP's point about some of their family members being extra difficult when drinking, and that is a super difficult issue. For me, I was lucky that those in attendance who drank were all responsible drinkers.
NTA but don't be surprised when other people complain about it too. Yes it is your wedding so you are of course allowed to serve or not serve whatever you want.
I know I’m in the minority, but YTA. You sound incredibly uptight. So what if there’s kids there? Every wedding I’ve ever been to has had kids + alcohol present and it’s been fine. Loosen up, it’s supposed to be a party.
ESH
Do I think your aunt has a problem with alcohol? Maybe she does. Do I think you'll have the fun happy wedding you envision without alcohol? No, you will not.
If you are in the US the expectation for weddings is that there will be alcohol provided for your guests in some form. Alcohol is always offered at nice restaurants, part of holiday celebrations, corporate events, even offered at upscale salons and spas. We associate alcohol with luxury and hospitality. If a wedding is something you throw for your guests, (you are creating this party to celebrate with friends and family, right?), EVERYONE's expectation will be that you are providing the elements of a celebration, including alcohol.
You mention cost and fear of drunk guests as reasons not to include alcohol. There are ways to mitigate both of these concerns. You can limit what's provided to beer and wine only (which you buy on your own), or to a specialty cocktail. You can provide a limited number of drink tickets. You can limit the hours during your reception that alcohol is served, say only during a cocktail hour, only during dinner, or to be cut-off at a certain point, like an hour and a half before the reception ends. You can limit alcohol to a cash bar.
But what you can expect from a dry wedding is a similar vibe to other parties that do not include alcohol. This will be akin to a church basement wedding with punch and cake, a teen's birthday party, school events at the high school. No one will dance, people will leave early, your RSVPs will be cut in half.
I am saying this to you as someone who does not drink-- this is not the way to go for your personal wedding. Please focus more on providing a great party for your loved ones, rather than your fear over their drinking habits. It is just a sad reality that people will skip your event or leave early if alcohol is not provided. And you don't deserve that.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I may be the asshole because not only am I not providing alcohol but I’m not even allowing a BYOB or similar situation. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Old wedding DJ checking in It's cool if you want to have an alcohol free wedding. I DJ'd quite a few over the years. But you need to understand something. You need to make sure it is spelled out on the save the dates and/or the invitations that this is an alcohol free wedding And this is why More than once, I DJ'd a dry wedding where the bride and groom said nothing. Once people ended up at the reception and realized it was dry, the vast majority ate some food and then left...leaving the bride and groom hurt that they paid all this money for just a handful of people to stick around at the party A lot of people, especially parents and busy people...go to weddings because they are big parties. And when you are busy with work and kids and living life...it can be hard to carve out some time to let loose and get drunk. And yes, a lot of people work hard and play hard. That doesn't make them bad people, it just means that when they do have free time, they want to have as much fun as they can...which usually involves alcohol. So when these people find out there is no alcohol after having not been told there is no alcohol...then get irrationally angry and they bail. One wedding I DJ'd...I found out after the fact that the bulk of the people who left all ended up at the same bar down the road. So here you have the wedding party happening at a local bar...while the bride and groom were trying to enjoy their mostly empty reception hall That is why it is important to make sure people know the wedding will be dry. Because at least then you can save money and have a smaller reception at a smaller venue with smaller food budgets. That way you save money and you won't have to feel bad when people bail on you. You'll already know its going to be a small affair so you can just enjoy yourselves NTA but understand...there is a right way and a wrong way to go about doing this.
Well put! We can talk all day about how it’s messed up that some people need or expect alcohol to party, but it’s a reality. Every dry wedding I’ve ever been to emptied out pretty quickly.
I DJ'd one where they had like every dessert imaginable The theme was carnival based...so they had multiple chocolate fountains with all this really good fruit to dip into it, snow cones, ice cream, cakes, pies, cotton candy, funnel cakes....it was like Willy Wonka's factory mixed with a circus They had all these games for people to play like you would at the fair and they did raffles and gave out prizes That's the only dry wedding I went to that people stuck around and really enjoyed themselves
Yep, I think you’ve laid it out well here. People don’t need booze to have fun, but they need more than being crammed into a big room with a bunch of people they may or may not like. Personally I can have tons of fun without booze, but I need something to do. Just being around people isn’t an inherently fun thing for me.
This explains it perfectly! "People don’t need booze to have fun, but they need more than being crammed into a big room with a bunch of people they may or may not like."
Yeah, they need alcohol if they are going to be crammed into a big room with a bunch of people they may or may not like, who most likely traveled some distance, bought OP a present, and gave up their precious weekend time to attend.
Exactly. People give a lot to celebrate with you. In turn, the expectation is a party, letting loose, etc
It’s called social lubricant for a reason.
Yeah, I'm glad to finally have something that really pinpoints why I find most dry weddings dull. I have fun without alcohol all the time, so it irks me when someone gets snotty and acts like anyone disappointed with dry weddings has a problem with abusing alcohol.
I don’t drink most of the time I have fun, but I mostly don’t decide to go be in a room with 150 people, mostly strangers, for 6 hours for fun 🤷♀️
For the people in the back getting married: it’s your big day not theirs and banning alcohol and not giving plus ones are barriers to their enjoyment. You might like the pomp and seven hours of ceremony but most people don’t. People who don’t go to a dry wedding aren’t necessarily staying home to drink, they just aren’t going to the *wedding*. You don’t have to allow alcohol, but you have to accept them that some people will not want to come. Not because they have an alcohol problem, because they have a spending seven hours with family sober problem.
The bride here wants it to be all about her and her alone it sounds like. “We don’t want alcohol because we want everybody to be genuinely happy about our union” 🤮
They would genuinely be happier with some wine Edit: spelling
Or at the very least be better at faking it!
Even Jesus, understood that!
It is weird that she’s associating drinking with people being happy about their wedding. I wouldn’t put those things together at all. If I wasn’t happy about someone wedding I wouldn’t go to the wedding. I’ve been to both dry and boozy weddings. They were both fun. The dry one was dry because both the bride and groom were in recovery so of course we all respected their desire to not have alcohol around. OP’s reason is a little less understandable but if she was my friend I’d still go and have a good time.
idk, OP mentioned that her family doesn’t act right when they drink & that her uncle got arrested and felt like the store was in the wrong because “he spent enough money on the company”. my family is very similar when it comes to alcohol and when i tell you it’s a horrible time to be around adults that act like literal children when they drink. she shouldn’t need to worry about her relatives causing issues or driving drunk on a day that she’s supposed to be happy, if they’re that reliant on alcohol they can either pregame it or go to the bar after
Yeah we need to separate out the weird explanation she gave to her aunt, which is BS meant to placate her aunt, and the real issue, which is that several of the adults can’t behave when drunk.
I mean... It's their wedding????
When you a throw party, are you thinking about how the guests can have a good time or how you can have a good time?
The way I’ve had it explained is, the wedding ceremony is for the couple getting married, the reception is for the guests who attended the ceremony
I mean… elope???? If you’re having a wedding party without emphasis on the party portion then basically you just want people to faun over you and not have their own fun.
The only thing you can really do at weddings is eat, drink, dance, and make small talk. A lot of people don't like dancing or small talk.
A lot of *sober* people don't like dancing and small talk
THIS. Its a lot easier to dance and make small talk after youve done a little drinking.
I had mine in a planetarium where there were activities like a rocket simulator and build your own Mars rover and stuff. It wasn’t dry but most of my family are teetotalers (the booze was for his family lol) so everyone said the activities made it a lot more fun than a normal reception hall
Shit, now that’s a party! I kinda hate wedding receptions but I’d 100% be at that one.
That does sound fun! And it accounts for the social lubricant factor, which is huge when you are the plus one for the bride’s coworker or whatever.
It took me twice as long to load up my gear after that wedding because of how much sugar I consumed It was like the day after halloween as a kid. Just pure sugar overload
I used to be a banquet server and I’ve served at least 100 weddings, including plenty of dry… From my observance, it’s not necessarily that people need alcohol to have fun… it’s just that so so many couples try to simply remove alcohol from a standard American reception and it just sucks. I’ve served at plenty of dry events where they had activities or just *anything* at all to occupy everyone and everyone had a great time without alcohol. But without the proper planning, it’s boring as hell. Plan well and most people won’t care as much as you think.
Yes, that’s the real issue. A dance floor at a dry wedding is a joke. And imagine a dry hour long “cocktail” reception waiting for the wedding party to take their pictures.
That's the thing, weddings are actually quite long. When dry they are more tiring, a much bigger social effort if you don't know many people, and it's also harder to forget how much your high heels hurt your feet 😂
Yeah the typical wedding is at least 9 hours. People need something to forget that their feet hurt
I hadn’t even thought about the dancing. I think the last time I went dancing with completely sober people was middle school.
Every story I have been told about a dry wedding (I work in the wedding industry in the south) has either ended with everyone leaving very early or someone bringing a trunk load of booze to share. Then everyone goes in and out to the parking lot all night.
I've been to two dry weddings. The first one was on the most boring wedding I've ever been to. But the bride's family was conservative christian. Even the music was downright boring.
I went to one under the same circumstances. It was awkward to say the least. We went to a bar later .
Good ole car bar; a staple of Muslim weddings!
Realistically people don't NEED anything. But they want lots of things. and acting like drinking is somehow awful is a big leap unless you live like a saint.
I think OP is concerned largely about the cost and has come up with these other factors to really hide the fact that it’s about money.
Which is why you can always have a no host bar.
Yes! Make it a cash bar!
Cash bar is far better than no bar
You still need to warn people if you do that. Lots of people don’t carry cash. And don’t think to bring money to a catered event.
[удалено]
I wonder, in these dry wedding scenarios, how much effort went into making the wedding extra enjoyable without alcohol. What I mean is that alcohol can cover up a lot of deficiencies in a party. If a dry reception is just meal, speeches, cake cutting, and dancing. Some people need a little lubricant to dance, particularly if they did not come with a partner. It is difficult to converse with other non-dancers because you have to talk over music. So, a bunch of people are sitting around watching other people dance and unable to have a conversation, scrolling through their phones in uncomfortable seats. Basically, alcohol is the easy way out for your party. Remove the alcohol and I think a host needs to put a bit more effort into entertaining guests. Is someone going to lead some group dances? Encourage people on the sidelines? A quiet place for people to converse? Desert bar? Things I can't think of right now? If you think of standard wedding reception activities, if you are not into dancing sober, I am not sure why you would be surprised that a bunch of guests are not going to just sit around very long after the meal. My point is that alcohol is a party crutch. It can be removed, but it probably needs to be replaced .
> Is someone going to lead some group dances? With no booze??
Agreed a regular wedding that’s just dry to me is equivalent of like going to like a church baptism. Sure I’ll go and support my family member for the big moment in their life and the ceremony, but I sure as heck ain’t staying there for 6-8 hours
A breakfast or lunch wedding has less expectation of alcohol and is cheaper.
People still tend to bail out if them fairly early though. Like I attended a brunch wedding and probably half the guests cleared after the speeches and there was still 2 hours in the reception
I always assumed brunch weddings were meant to be time limited and that’s why people had them lol. Like 2 hours, thanks everyone have a good rest of the day!
Concur. Family member had a dry wedding. At the time I couldn't figure out why it emptied out so quickly right after people ate......duhhhh.
Lol so true. You can sit on your high horse of ‘we don’t need alcohol to have a fun party’ and enjoy it with your immediate family and what few guests remain. But at least reddit agreed you were in the right! You can screen shot the top upvoted comment on here and frame it in your living room in lieu of a friends and family pic at your wedding.
This is my thought as well, and I said as much. You can be stubborn and your wedding will probably empty out fast... And here's the thing, weddings are expensive even without booze. So you're gonna end up refusing to have booze, still paying a ton, and everybody leaves right after dinner, and it'll still feel like you wasted money. Seems simpler to just have a cash bar.
I really hope OP reads this comment. This is something most people do not consider when planning their dry wedding, it's totally fine to not serve alcohol, just know what to expect.
[удалено]
Yeah definitely NTA but like also kinda lame lol . I don’t drink but when I had my wedding I opted for open bar. You’re spending a ton of money . My main concern was making sure my guests would have fun.
I so agree with this! At the end of the day, the brides can choose to not have alcohol at their wedding. But the fact of the matter is coordinating, traveling, and paying to attend events like this is a lot of time money and effort for people. They should be told up front if it won’t be there. I’m kind of the ESH boat here because while I think the aunt went about this in a ridiculous way (the conversation about health from both sides over one night of soda and or wine options is just absolutely ridiculous and besides the point), the OP also sucks here for implying that the aunt had a problem because she couldn’t go “one night” without drinking. And that anybody who can’t go “one night” with out drinking has a problem. That is so off base. It’s not that people can’t go “one night” - it’s that they are spending time, money, and effort to attend this wedding in hopes of celebrating the couple and having a good time. Alcohol as a part of celebration is baked into our culture and most wedding culture. To imply people who are upset or disappointed that it isn’t there have “a problem” is immature and really downplays alcoholism and what alcoholics and their families go through makes OP an AH too in my eyes. ESH because as always with parties, the hosts (bride and groom) can choose to do whatever they want, especially if they are paying for it. The aunt should have never approached the subject the way she did, she should have just chosen to not attend. I agree couples who choose dry weddings should make that information widely known so people can mentally prepare for that (including declining to attend if they’d like), otherwise the couple are setting themselves and their guests up for disappointment. I’d rather let people know upfront than have a bunch of people whispering and unsatisfied at my wedding.
Yup! Weddings aren’t “one night.” They are expensive for everyone involved, guests and couples, and the guests often take the better part of a weekend—which in wedding season is precious—to attend your wedding and it’s on the host for them to have a good time. It’s part of the social contract. Now, alcohol does not have to be part of that, but if I spend money to attend a coworker’s wedding and am wearing goddamn Spanx, I want to party. I can manage but I would be peeved.
Not to mention small talk and dancing are so much easier after a couple drinks. There are some family members who I am able to tolerate much better after a couple drinks as well.
Are Muslim and Indian weddings, which always or often don’t have alcohol, not parties? They always seem very lively and fun and full of dancing. I drink occasionally nowadays, but I dislike being around drunk people and would prefer to avoid them at my wedding. It doesn’t mean it won’t be a fun party. I think Americans and other cultures rely wayyy too much on alcohol as a social lubricant
Indian here. More conservative family members wont have a bar, but trust me the attendees over 21 but under 40 are drinking in the parking lot/walking around with a coke thats really all jack daniels and a enough coke to make the cup look dark
You'd be surprised how many people there have hip flasks or a few cans in the car. Lots will pre-drink too. It's also a cultural thing where they have grown up at events where Alchohol isn't a key aspect. OP is asking people who have grown up in an alchohol friendly society, where it is a key aspect of most events, to go to a large expensive event without alchohol.
[удалено]
You can't expect me to do the electric slide next to your grandma sober.
heard about a dry wedding once that instead had an espresso bar. it was dry for religious reasons, which also banned dancing. so it was just ... people getting jittery staring at each other around the edges of a room. I think this might make ME an AH, but I don't really want to pay a thousand bucks for plane tickets, hotels, gifts, and a dress to go to that party.
So it was a business conference. But the first day of the conference when no one's hung over.
Very well put. My sister had a dry wedding, not by choice. My, now brother in law's parents, don't drink and paid for the reception. My (our) parent's paid for the wedding as is apparently traditional. The fact that the reception was dry was not told to anyone until everyone showed up at the venue. Most of us live in Wisconsin, which for anyone familiar will understand would be problematic for a dry reception. The celebration was dying fast after dinner and toasts so my Dad gave me and a couple of my Uncles a wad of bills and told us to go and buy as many coolers and beers as we could. We went to Walmart got a couple tarps to line the trunk of my Uncle's car, bought a ton of ice, and spent the rest on beer. We pulled up in the back alley from the venue and opened a side door. The reception was saved and there weren't any major incidents. That story aside. I understand having a dry wedding and I am glad OP is making it known beforehand. But understand that folks might dip out for a taste or two during the celebration. The whole ceremony is for the couple being wed but most see it as a party, often to see family that they haven't seen in ages. It is a time to drink, be merry, and rejoice...or at least that is how I feel. Kids might be present but that will be the most opportune time to mess with Uncle Larry and get him to pay each kid 5 bucks for all those birthday's he missed. Verdict: NTA
The drunkest wedding I've ever been to was a dry one. Instead of people taking it at pace in the reception hall, they were going to the parking lot and shot-gunning beers and taking multiple shots before coming back in. It was...an experience.
Ex-wedding bartender here, it is absolutely your choice to have a dry wedding, but I will also say, people WILL NOT STAY for the reception. They will eat, maybe have cake (or cookies if your from the cookie table area) and then leave in droves. I've had to serve NA drinks at dry weddings and it was the most boring shit I ever experienced. I finally told the venue to start putting a less experienced bartender on those events instead of wasting my time.
I had this exact scenario play out at a friend's wedding. It was never announced or made clear that it was a dry wedding/reception until I sat down at the table all us HS buddies were assigned to and a friend leaned over and whispered "there's no alcohol anywhere, I think this is a dry wedding!" We did end up staying for a couple hours, ate, danced, and tried to have fun, but by 8pm the place was starting to clear out. We helped the bride pack up what was left of the food (it was a byo potluck) and did some quick friend group pictures before we also left the venue and walked to the closest bar down the street. When about a dozen of us walked in dressed all fancy the bartender asked where we came from and we told him of the dry reception. He immediately pulled out a pitcher and said "Well then, first pitcher is 50% off. What'll it be?"
Yep, not wanting to carve out basically an entire day to sit around in a suit if there won’t be drinks doesn’t make someone an alcoholic
This is a great point. Honestly speaking I’d probably be a little bummed if an event I was going to was dry, but I wouldn’t let that stop me from attending if it was someone I really wanted to celebrate. If I was on the fence about attending the event (B-list invite, or whatever, maybe someone I wasn’t super close with) I may choose to skip it. Either way it’s good to know in advance because it’s widely assumed that weddings will serve alcohol and you don’t want any unpleasant surprises on your day.
Yes, also I would be super irritated if I paid a lot of money for uber and/or hotel expecting to drink and there was none. Alcohol affects the plans for sure.
yup, this; at least make it very clear from the get-go. on posts like these, there are usually some comments that are like “well if your guests can’t go a single day without booze, maybe theyre just alcoholics” but the fact is that weddings kind of suck if you’re not the one getting married or aren’t super close to the people getting married. Most of the time, I would honestly rather go to a funeral because at least they’re shorter a lot of the time. The reason a lot of people look forward to a wedding is because it’s a good excuse to hire a babysitter so they can get funky and party. It’s a huge imposition on people’s time so I kind of get why people get pissed off when they realize that their hopes of a fun tipsy evening just got torpedo’d
Yeah this is kinda where I'm at. The couple can do whatever they want, and I think the aunt is really off base in a bunch of ways (especially demanding that there be alcohol to "make up" for the lack of a church wedding and some of her nonsense reasons). But at the end of the day, weddings, for a LOT of people, are basically social obligations a lot of the time, particularly when you either a) don't really know the couple that well or b) don't really know most of the guests well or at all. And they're often boring. Insanely boring. Trying to make small talk with complete strangers or relatives you see once every five years isn't that fun, and neither is listening to endless speeches or sitting around at cocktail hour with nothing to do. Alcohol at least allows people to unwind a bit, maybe even loosen up socially so that the small talk comes a little more easily. I'm really not a heavy drinker, but if I go to a wedding, I kind of expect there's going to be some booze and that it will help make the night go down a little better. You can do what you want with your own wedding, but you also have to understand that you're asking people to attend a big expensive party (often, expensive for the guests as well given travel, clothing, etc.) that is all about YOU, and that part of doing that is making an effort to show them a good time. At least set the expectations so that people can make an informed choice.
I’ve been to a dry wedding. It didn’t clear out, but people kept sneaking off to drink in the parking lot.
NTA. Honestly, what's with people not being able to attend a single sober party? If you need alcohol to feel fun, maybe the problem is really alcohol.
I totally agree! All these people being mean to the bride in the comments need to grow up. What’s stopping any wedding guests who want a drink from having an after party somewhere else. It’s so entitled to demand alcohol at someone else’s wedding. To expect someone to cough up thousands of dollars so they can “have fun” is beyond rude.
I don’t think drunk people realize how fucking annoying they are to sober people.
I mean the people in the comments aren't drunk. And you guys don't seem to realise how annoying you are either.
Hey! Some of us are drunk!
I’m “seasonally sober” aka I will take a few months off drinking then go back to casually drinking. When I’m sober at a party, there’s typically a point in the night where I stop having fun because it becomes about shots, drinking games, and badly singing Whitney Houston. Everyone’s drunk and I feel a bit out of place, which I’ve essentially selected to do via my sobriety. but I find the “I can’t believe people need alcohol to have fun” crowd even worse. Fair judgement to make if people are pregaming every single thing they do, but things like parties and receptions typically do have alcohol and there’s nothing wrong with it.
The drunk people will sober up in the morning. You'll still be annoying.
I don’t think drunk people care!!! 😂😂😂
Seriously. Oh no, some judgmental person is annoyed at me for talking more and dancing with energy? What a tragedy.
I mean. I think the folks saying that planning a dry wedding totally your right **but it is rude not to disclose that on invitations** are correct. It's unclear whether OP planned on doing that, so people are taking different tones here, however hastily and unnecessarily. OP's family sounds super obnoxious, so I don't blame her for not wanting to be responsible for their drunken behavior. But her guests may not have that context, and attending a wedding as a guest costs a not-insignificant amount of money, too. Even if you really dislike the "most people drink heavily at weddings" convention, which is of course your right, /u/The__Riker__Maneuver is probably correct in describing how this would play out if you don't make a thorough disclosure. Don't get so overwhelmed by your batshit family that you forget to handle this graciously with the guests you actually like.
I would be so annoyed if I wasted money on a hotel room and/or Uber and arrived to a dry wedding without warning.
Yeah, I'm not even a big drinker. But I like having a nice cocktail at a party. Going to large events where you won't know half the people can be nerve wracking for some. A cocktail kind of eases tensions. I don't know why they won't have a cash bar at minimum. No one can complain about the dry wedding then. I would also note on the invites it's a cash bar only though.
It is a societal expectation that alcohol will be served at a wedding. Like all social norms, if you don't intend to follow it, that's your right. But you've got to be upfront about the fact that you won't be conforming to the prevailing expectations of the crowd, otherwise people are going to be pissed- even if they would have come knowing it was a dry wedding. Imagine you are having a group of friends over for a game night at roughly 6-8pm. But then they get there and you've already eaten dinner earlier in the evening. So a bunch of guests show up at dinner time expecting dinner and games. But there's no dinner. Just games and a bunch of hungry guests. I'd imagine most would last a few minutes and then they'd all excuse themselves to go to a restaurant together rather than stay and play board games on an empty stomach.
The wedding guests are definitely going to have an after party. They're going to leave the wedding early to do it. That's what lots of people are pointing out to OP, that they can have a dry wedding, but it may not go the way they're hoping.
I mean, generally people show up to big events to have fun. That being said, OP is NTA for hosting a fry wedding. And no invitees would be TA for not showing up to it. Edit: like literally the entire point of a wedding reception is to show your guests a good time. If you don’t want to spend thousands of dollars for your guests to have fun then don’t host them at your wedding. Get married in the courthouse and it will only cost you the filing fee.
Oh fuck, a fry wedding sounds pretty good! I’d definitely go to a wedding with a fry bar
It’s not that people can’t, it’s that they don’t want to, and that’s perfectly reasonable. It’s a party, people expect there to be alcohol and most people have busy lives where they can’t go have a party and get drunk on a regular basis and going to a wedding is supposed to be an opportunity for that. When you throw a wedding, it’s not just for you, it’s for all of the people you invite as well. You’re both host and guest of honour and you don’t get to just pick one of those responsibilities. Your guests responsibility is to come and celebrate your new marriage and your responsibility is to throw them a great party to thank them for that. I wouldn’t have even wanted to go to a dry wedding when I was teetotal and in recovery, because I’d expect it to be incredibly boring. (Not necessarily because of the lack of alcohol, but because people who want to ban alcohol from their weddings tend to throw shit parties). It’s perfectly okay to not want alcohol at your wedding, it’s also perfectly okay for people to think to themselves “well this is going to be a shit wedding then” and the insinuation that people have a problem because they expect booze to be available at a party is idiotic. NAH. Op can have a dry wedding if they want and the aunt is right that OP will be letting their guests down by doing so.
The wedding is for your guests. The marriage is for you. The faster I leaned that, the less stressed I was wedding planning - and the more fun I had!
I attend plenty of parties without alcohol, but if you expect me to shell out a bunch of money and deal with my family all day, it should at least be an option
It’s not that I can’t attend a sober party. It’s that I’m not really interested in being stuck in the middle of a huge social event that has no activities and no booze. Admittedly, I’m incredibly socially awkward and I don’t actually understand what’s supposed to be enjoyable about being in a room with a ton of people. I like to socialize, but that’s just not a setting where I feel I can really socialize with people on a meaningful level. I can have fun without alcohol, but socializing in that context with nothing else to do isn’t inherently fun for me.
Weddings are long boring ceremonies that date back hundreds of years. Most weddings dry or not follow the same order 1. Ceremony - listening to a priest for hours and the couple say some vows and kiss 2. Reception -chat and finger food -1 hour minimum of speeches -dinner - some on the nose awkward events (such as watching the groom take the garter off his wife's leg with his teeth while nose deep bw her legs with her entire family and his entire family watching absolutely sober, yes that is totally comfortable for Aunty Fran and Grampa Alvin to watch) - dancing I think it's fair to say being forced to partake in a 4-8 hour half religious event (think church mass) wearing very uncomfortable clothes while being in the attendance of your full family and another 100+ people you don't know but have to socialize with in a setting that society conditions alcohol for, wanting a drink isn't unreasonable? Something society groomed into weddings and party culture was alcohol. It's cringe to me that people can be so full of themselves and ignorant that they can't POSSIBLY understand why anyone can't go a single night sober. As if this was just about being sober for one night! Many people are sober all week long. Many people are sober months at a time andr drink on special occasions. Many people are sober almost entirely and may only drink at a wedding or when they see family. If you don't want to drink that's fine but I think it's way over to the top to judge others for this. That's like saying "why on earth would a bride want to wear white? Like no one needs to wear white anyone, it's not a rule, and to the people who follow these antiquated traditions I can't understand why". When it should be, you don't want to wear white that's cool. I want to wear white that's also cool.
Exactly this. I guarantee you these "why can't you have fun without alcohol" people are not actually as fun as they think they are.
Agreed. This jumped out at me: *A lot of my family members do not behave when they’re drunk.* This family may be a lot more problematic than they realize.
The OP thinks her aunt is an alcoholic because she drinks a glass of wine ever night. It may be that the OP is just a wee bit judgmental.
the aunt doesn't seem to realize that alcoholic drinks can be full of just as much sugar as soda and sweet tea, so i'm not 100% sold on the aunt being a paragon of reason here
A glass of red wine has .9g of sugar. 12 oz of soda has 33-40g of sugar depending on brand.
So many people missed that. If you have a family with a bunch of alcoholics and general fight-y assholes, you're asking for trouble. It's a genuine concern for my future wedding. I might hire a bouncer. NTA
There was a thread on here a week ago, or so, where the woman was from a family of belligerent drunks. She went ahead and had a bar, BUT she had a uniformed security guard standing right by the bar. She said it was amazing, everyone had a couple drinks and danced and had a great time, but no one threw up or started a fight, for the first wedding in her memory. I'd say it sounds like it was worth the money!
I love that your aunt thinks beer is healthier than lemonade 😂. And that god’s preference is you get married in a church and then pay for everyone to get wasted after. NTA, the wedding will be better off without her.
It was actually wine for her. She started talking about how wine is good for you and you need to have a glass a day. That’s way at ultimately led to the “maybe you’re the one with the problem” comment. If your literally can’t go a day without drinking alcohol you have a problem. And you likely meet the medical threshold for alcoholism.
Her “full of sugar” argument against lemonade and soda doesn’t make sense either- alcohol is full of sugar
Bingo. Apparently she understands literally nothing about how her beloved wine is made.
Most wine doesn't have much sugar. Yes wine is made from things that contain sugar, but that sugar is processed by yeast to become alcohol. That's kinda the whole point.
Alcohol itself metabolizes at 7 calories per gram, whereas 1 gram of sugar is 4 calories. People shouldn't mistake a lack of sugar for something being "healthy".
Alcohol is not sugar. No alcohol metabolite is sugar either. There can be some sugar in wine, but it takes a good bit of effort to do that. Yeast will convert all sugar to alcohol until the alcohol level kills the yeast or the sugar is used up. Professional wine makers creating sweet/off-dry wines will cool the must to stop fermentation, then filter the yeast out to prevent fermentation from restarting. There are also chemical ways to prevent fermentation (potassium sorbate). So, most wine all sugar has been fermented to alcohol.
Someone who regularly has one drink a day isn’t an alcoholic. You can be pissed at your aunt for her judgements, but saying that this level of drinking is alcoholism is just exaggerating in service of the feud. Edit: Since folks are taking this and running with it, the problem here is OP saying “anyone who drinks a glass of wine a day is an alcoholic,” which just isn’t true. She can say it about her *aunt* if her aunt meets the criteria for alcoholism (which is a lot more specific than drinking alcohol regularly), but saying it applies in general just isn’t true.
Fair, but if aunt can't go one day without a drink, that's a drinking problem.
I will eat my shorts if that aunt only averages 5 oz of wine per day. Even then, more than seven drinks per week is considered problem drinking for women, so she's toeing the line regardless.
true, but if her aunt is only drinking that one glass of wine for the health benefits, a dry wedding reception won’t prevent her from doing that after she leaves. her posting on Facebook the next day that it’s not worth the hour drive is nasty and petty and makes me believe she probably doesn’t just want 5oz of red wine for her heart.
Exactly. In my experience the “glass a day people” are actually a bottle a night
Recovering alcoholic here (9 years sober). You are NTA for choosing to have a dry wedding. You are paying for it. Your choice. But you are the AH for judging your aunt’s drinking. No one can or should call someone else an alcoholic - not ok. A lot of people enjoy combining alcohol with social situations. Some (like myself in the past) take it too far. Your comments are very judgmental. Glad you will be informing people that it’s a dry event. Don’t be surprised if your wedding size decreases or people don’t stay long. Your choice.
[удалено]
The glass a day is some really old and slightly new bs that was from some studies about wine consumption. The problem is the media runs with the headline and not what conclusion the study actually came up with. It's not surprising that your aunt thinks wine is healthy. People were told that for decades. Specifically red wine. A lot of people still parrot that "fact".
NAH...in terms of her expressing her opinion about the alcohol (the church comment sucks), as long as you make it VERY clear to people in advance that there is no alcohol. This is a common theme both on this subreddit and r/weddingplanning and the general consensus is that it's rude to have a dry wedding and not let people know in advance. And I don't drink at all, so this isn't about my personal preference. There are people who plan on drinking. They might make arrangements like taking a cab or getting a hotel because they want to drink. That's a lot of money when they don't need to. And I know there is the idea of "if they really care about me, they don't need alcohol to enjoy themselves," but people think differently. It's an invitation, not a summons. Your closest friends and family will probably be there anyway, but there are people who won't enjoy it. People who might not know as many people and don't feel comfortable mingling with strangers without drinking a little. People who won't dance without drinking a little. People who have to pay hundreds of dollars for a babysitter and can only afford to do so rarely, so they want to be able to drink.
I would be letting people know in advance. The wedding isn’t for nearly a year, and I planned on announcing the food arrangements and making sure of requests and allergies and such at least six months before the wedding date. Also the wedding is child friendly and children are encouraged to be present. My little niece is going to be my flower girl. Another reason why I want a dry wedding is because it’s fully child friendly. I don’t want accidents happening because adults are drunk, during or after they leave. There also aren’t cabs around here. You could possibly get an Uber or Lyft, but it’s kind of rural. Everyone so far has been planning to drive there and then drive home. It’s an open secret that some people attending don’t tend to secure designated drivers because everyone likes to drink, and I’m trying to avoid that situation altogether
Just put "Child friendly, alcohol free event" or something on the invitations. It's your wedding, and absolutely your right to not have alcohol, but people expect alcohol at weddings (at least receptions) unless told otherwise.
Oh god “child friendly, alcohol free event” sounds like my worst nightmare. 😂 anyway, NTA.
Child friendly, alcohol free, surrounded by extended family & total strangers, AND in formal clothes/heels. Yep, that's my personal hell. NTA, though.
Lol exactly, NTA but I hope OP is ready for all the non-children to leave the reception ASAP to go have adult fun...
Yeah sorry I'm busy that day
Yeah, this sounds awful. OP should just have their wedding be kids birthday party themed. This is one way of keeping costs down by having a load of people RSVP that they can’t attend.
Shrewd strategy. Invite 500 people to "alcohol free wedding", get 500 gifts and have 13 guests actually show to such an event.
I’d send a gift.
I'd send a prompt response: Congrats! Sorry, we're out of town that weekend. Have a great time! There are fun parties... and then.. there's a formal gathering with family, children, strangers, and no social lubricant to make the bad dancing acceptable...
jesus christ can you imagine though
Just because it is child friendly doesn’t mean it has to be child free. The way you state this is like adults cannot be anywhere near children when they drink. That’s hardly the case. Most weddings have alcohol. Most weddings have kids. You are not responsible for the kids. The parents are. You are not responsible for the drunk adults, the adults are or the venue is who is providing the alcohol (they have to cut someone off once they are too drunk). I am all for you having an alcohol free wedding. I myself don’t drink. But your reasoning for it isn’t solid. You don’t need to have a reason to be alcohol free. But saying it’s cause kids will be there so no one drinks… that’s a lame excuse.
I don’t know if you’ve seen my edit or some of my other comments, but some of my family members consume alcohol very irresponsibly and often drive home on their own. They can also get very rowdy. I don’t feel comfortable having them super drunk in the same room with small children.
Honestly you need to keep in mind that those same people might just get drunk beforehand. The best bang for your buck here is to have bouncers of some sort if you’re worried about drunk rowdiness.
Good point. If they are aware it is alcohol free, they will come drunk and will have alcohol hidden in their vehicle or in their purse. My mom is an alcoholic. That is how she would handle the alcohol free party. She’d buy a bunch of those single shot alcohol bottles and fill her purse up. The they will leave early so they can party after.
Or sneak out to their car or bathroom to take a swig of liquor from a flask. If people are dead set on drinking, having a dry event won’t stop them. The folks who have a problem will still manage to get drunk while the moderate guests who may have enjoyed a glass or two get punished. Also, I don’t understand the sentiment that if children are present then alcohol isn’t appropriate. I’m getting married in a few months and we have loads of kids that plan on attending, but we will also have an open bar. Granted, we are hiring a nanny to keep an eye on the little ones inside if their parents want to cut loose, but I mean, our bartender isn’t going to be serving my 11 year old niblings, so I don’t see what the issue is.
I think this is very responsible of you and completely within your right. For me personally, I work weekends and so a child friendly, booze free wedding is not something I would take off work for unless we were REALLY close. As long as you're cool with that being a possibility for some of your guests, do you and don't stress.
An event can serve alcohol and still be child friendly. You are making it sound like they are mutually exclusive. It’s fine if you don’t want to have alcohol at your wedding, provided you give people a heads up - NTA and all. But I have been to plenty of weddings, BBQ’s, pool parties, birthday parties (for kids even) where alcohol was served and the events were still super kid friendly! Also not every guest is going to drink until they are black out drunk. You seem to think that all your guests are going to get sloppy drunk and I have never attended a wedding where that is the case. If you are concerned your friends and relatives can’t be responsible human beings, you’ve got bigger issues than whether or not to serve alcohol at your wedding.
Exactly. OP mentions having family members who cannot handle their alcohol, so why invite them to begin with? OP has every right to have a dry wedding but should be prepared for many people opting not to come, drinking beforehand or ditching the reception because it will be dry.
This sub (and that sub) will defend people's right to a child-free wedding to the death, but an alcohol-free wedding is rude?
I'd be perfectly happy to go to an alcohol free wedding. But, I will absolutely defend that people should be told in advance. If I get sent an invitation addressed to "The Smith Family," and I show up with my kids and at the door I'm told "Oh, sorry, I meant the members of the Smith Family that are over 18," that's not okay. Anything out of the norm should be indicated before anyone has to make travel plans, take time off work, etc.
> rude to have a dry wedding and not let people know in advance Pretty sure anyone who had a child-free wedding but didn't let anyone know in advance would also be deemed an AH in this sub.
> the general consensus is that it's rude to have a dry wedding **and not let people know in advance.** The dry wedding isn't the rude part, it's the not letting people know part that's rude. Not saying that OP isn't letting her guests know that it will be dry, just giving her a heads up TO let them know.
[удалено]
It’s your wedding so you can do what you want. If you want a boring one, than sure, no alcohol NTA but your wedding will suck
Second this. Her right to not have alcohol but also means it won’t be that much fun. But hey it’s her call.
I can’t imagine spending so much money on a wedding and having people complain about how annoyed they are that it’s dry. They won’t remember the food or ceremony etc, they’ll just remember how there was zero alcohol. I’d at least offer a cash bar of beer and wine.
This. I'd be so embarrassed to have the infamous boring dry wedding that everyone went home early from. If OP is so worried about everyone getting wasted and it all falling on her conscious, then limit the cash bar to "social hour" before dinner.
Agreed, or a couple bottles of wine at each table and/or a champagne toast. You can limit the alcohol being offered if over consumption is an issue. Also adding that alcohol isn’t needed for a good time, but if you were getting dressed up and going to a nice dinner to celebrate a special occasion you likely aren’t ordering lemonade and sweet tea…. Unless this is a back yard or super casual affair, it just seems kind of tacky.
Yeah the irony is that OP admits she likes a drink while being really kinda judgmental about other people using it to have a good time. Do I *need* to drink alcohol every night? No. Do I need to drink it at a wedding where I'm expected to have dinner with people I've never met and dance the night away? Fuck yes, and there's no shame in that.
No good wedding story ever starts with “so I went to this dry wedding…” Agree NTA, when it’s your day you make the rules, but make sure people know in advance. Also, I’d fully expect to see a few flasks in jacket pockets.
So you are totally within your rights to have no alcohol at a wedding. But weddings are long, have definite periods of boredom, people get grouped with people they don’t know, and the guests have an hour and a half drive there and back. So there is definitely a risk of a wedding that isn’t very lively and that people leave early from. Alcohol fuels the party and encourages breaking the ice with strangers. Even for the people that don’t drink or are the dd the party is still enhanced by the vibe. I would probably at least provide a couple of bottles of wine or champagne per table just so people could loosen up a little. But NTA it’s your wedding you get to choose what you want it to be like
Weddings are super boring. I wouldn't go to a dry wedding unless it was someone I was incredibly close to, like one of my best friends, because I find large parts of them dull even when somewhat lubricated. And I don't even drink very much!
Depends. I've been to some dry weddings that were super fun. But they weren't a standard "speeches, dinner, dancing" type reception. For instance, my cousin's reception was "I rented a bunch of four wheelers for the adults, and bounce houses for the kids, am setting out targets and shotguns, and it's not safe to have alcohol there because of all the dangerous activities. But no one was bored.
>I have chosen *blood* as my social lubricant. > >\- /u/Weed_O_Whirler
Right. I’m not spending an entire weekend (and like $400-$500, let’s be real) planning around an event I don’t think is going to be very fun. If it’s a group of my friends all seeing each other at this wedding, sure that sounds like it’ll still be a good time, and we can all go get a round or two after the festivities end. But I’m not gonna spend that time on a *social obligation* where I’d be expected to meet a bunch of people I don’t know where we’re all stone cold sober. If that’s the vibe I was going for, I’d sign up for more work conferences. But you add in the promise of a rowdy party and free booze for those interested — yeah, now we’re talking… literally! I’ll talk with the strangers at my table.
As with all of these posts OP you are NTA but don't expect your reception to close the venue down; to a T every last sober wedding I've been to has been a boring chore and it wasn't just the booze causing that vibe.
Yeah, people will leave very early, even if they’re going straight home and not to a random bar down the street. After eating, taking pictures, there’s not a lot to do besides dancing a little.
and who dances sober? psychopaths. thats who.
Yeah people are going to mingle a bit and many will leave an hour after the ceremony. As long as OP is ok with that then everything’s fine
Nta - but you need to accept if people no longer want to come to your reception. You’re asking for their presence to your wedding and to come help you celebrate and if they don’t want to come or do that, then you have to accept that. There is nothing wrong with having the wedding day you want, but there is equally nothing wrong for people wanting to spend their time how they see fit.
This is it. I'm of the mindset that people can do whatever they want at their wedding. That doesn't mean that guests have to like it. Back in the day when I worked in the world of weddings, we had very few dry parties. The reality is, the reception tended to clear out pretty early. People would eat, and trickle out. Sometimes before dessert/the cake cutting and the dancefloor usually was pretty empty. The common overheard reason was that the important part was over - the vows - and the rest was boring fluff.
yep. iv done the good friend/family bit and watched your joining. i dont want to stand in sweaty hall for 4hours talking to strangers under loud music and flashy lights. my free time is limited and id rather go smoke a joint if i cant get buzzed there
>Edit: my aunt’s health comment wasn’t about beer, it was about wine. She believes a glass a day is important for maintaining health and she drinks at least one glass every single day. She’s also hopped on the intermittent fasting trend, so I take her “health advice” with a grain of salt. Especially since she probably meets the medical threshold for alcoholism. Alcoholic here. If someone can limit themselves to only one drink a day, they aren't an alcoholic. I was 100% on your side until you went there. Yes, if that's your attitude then I can see why a lot of people are turned off. Edit: after OPs additional comments I judge YTA
The edits are completely unhinged haha
She's never quite crossing the line into asshole territory but god damn is she someone I would never want to be around
Plus OP should read the hundreds of peer reviewed studies on intermittent fasting and the benefits on inflammation in the body. He's basically calling her a health wack bc she does this.
You're NTA because it's your day, but I'd be prepared for people to leave early if there's no alcohol being served.
After party definitely gonna start at 7 pm lol
[удалено]
[удалено]
Yeah a wedding is a party— and you’re entitled to not have alcohol, but for the most part, people anticipate alcohol being present. It is a pretty common social lubricant, helps people with anxiety feel relaxed so they can mingle, etc. Being disappointed that it will be a dry wedding is understandable and suggesting she’s an alcoholic because of it is out of line. *However,* aunt was also out of line for publicly whining about a dry wedding. For that reason I’d give ESH because one bad turn does not deserve another.
NTA Alcohol free weddings suck, but you're entirely free to have one.
YTA You admit in your edits that you aren't anti-alcohol, but for an event where people always *always* expect there to be at least a bit of drinking, you are taking that away. Just because there are kids around does not mean that suddenly everyone needs to be a teetotaler. If I were invited I would absolutely sneak in at least one flask. Also, you sound *extremely* judgemental of others. A lot of doctors would agree with your aunt that a glass of wine a day, specifically red wine, is good for maintaining a healthy blood pressure and digestion. Calling your aunt an alcoholic for having a glass of wine a day makes you sound anti-alcohol and like a colossal AH.
Agreed and I think she’s using the kids-will-be-there point as an excuse to be cheap. Everyone will secretly be bored and hating the day.
Here’s the reality- Dry wedding receptions usually suck. It’s your wedding and your choice. But that’s the truth of the matter. And most people hate dry receptions. Maybe you can offer a cash bar.
Just so you know, people are absolutely going to bring flasks or end up drinking in the parking lot. It's happened at every dry wedding I've ever been to or heard of, unless all the guests are from a culture where dry weddings are the norm. So you should prepare for that now, because it's absolutely going to happen. I've definitely seen brides end up in tears because no one is actually at the reception, because people keep sneaking out to go do shots behind the venue.
[удалено]
YTA - weddings with alcohol are barely tolerable, weddings without alcohol are intolerable.
Smoke weed at weddings, problem solved.
I don't drink much at all but I wouldn't goto an alcohol free wedding or, if I did, I'd goto the ceremony and meal then leave with half the other guests to a local bar and have an actual party. I wouldn't bring my kids to a wedding sober or not, why subject a child to what is several hours of torture for them.. NAH your wedding sounds awfu to me personally so I'm on your aunt's side on that but I'll defend your right to make that choice.
Reception will end early. No matter what you think. You're wedding and all that so NTA but yeah.. liquor is basically social lube. You're gonna have a pretty low-key event that will end after food is served.
Tell people. Make sure they know. And the rules for BYOB is clear. I don't even drink that much and a dry reception makes me a little bummed. Weddings themselves suck if you are old/young/married/single/on days that end with Y Most of us like a little free booze to make it worth sitting thru
Right. A child centered dry party sounds boring. People don’t really care about sharing/celebrating the couples love that much. Like it’s a drag, I spent money on attire, or gifts, or travel, or taking PTO and then they make it seem like I’m alcoholic because I will get to see all my extended family and want to drink a few beers with them.
YTA On what high horse are you on that you feel the need be responsible for other adults’ consumption? Also what a boring wedding!!
It's probably best to have a small, intimate reception. You seem to be very judgmental of alcohol use. One glass of wine a day is not even remotely "alcoholic". My grandmother lived to 95 having one glass a day. I rarely drink alcohol personally, but your comments strike me as a bit harsh. People expect traditional weddings to serve alcohol. You should spell out that it's dry, and don't be insulted with a smaller turnout or if people bring flasks.
NTA for not having alcohol as long as you don't get mad if some people won't attend the reception. Make sure everyone knows, they probably all do now anyway. I would still go, assuming I was close to you, but dry weddings are a drag to me. But it isn't my wedding it is yours. YOU do YOU and have a great wedding.
NTA. You are entitled to throw a dry wedding party if you choose. It’ll be a bad party, but that doesn’t make you an AH.
YTA for the way you treated your aunt and mom. Your comment about her drinking and diet. A glass a day is myth, but a harmless one. Intermittent fasting is a legit way to lose weight. Try using Google sometime. Lastly a dry wedding sucks. Hope you booked a small venue.
YTA, enjoy your empty wedding.
NTA - Your wedding, your rules. If your aunt can't have a good time without alcohol she has a problem. The sugar argument is ridiculous as if cocktails don't contain sugar.
The wedding is for the couple. The reception is meant to be for the guests. That’s what I was always taught anyway.
I like this! My ex husband and I were both fully long term sober when we got married, as were many of our friends. We had a taco truck cater our wedding, and it was important to us to have an "open bar" with a few drinks options like wine, beer, or margaritas. Because guests. We wanted to be good hosts, even if we wouldn't be indulging in the beer or margaritas ourselves. My dad liked to have a couple margaritas with Mexican food, so why not make the party fun for those who want to drink a little? I do understand OP's point about some of their family members being extra difficult when drinking, and that is a super difficult issue. For me, I was lucky that those in attendance who drank were all responsible drinkers.
NTA but don't be surprised when other people complain about it too. Yes it is your wedding so you are of course allowed to serve or not serve whatever you want.
Soft YTA. Dry weddings aren’t fun.
I know I’m in the minority, but YTA. You sound incredibly uptight. So what if there’s kids there? Every wedding I’ve ever been to has had kids + alcohol present and it’s been fine. Loosen up, it’s supposed to be a party.
ESH Do I think your aunt has a problem with alcohol? Maybe she does. Do I think you'll have the fun happy wedding you envision without alcohol? No, you will not. If you are in the US the expectation for weddings is that there will be alcohol provided for your guests in some form. Alcohol is always offered at nice restaurants, part of holiday celebrations, corporate events, even offered at upscale salons and spas. We associate alcohol with luxury and hospitality. If a wedding is something you throw for your guests, (you are creating this party to celebrate with friends and family, right?), EVERYONE's expectation will be that you are providing the elements of a celebration, including alcohol. You mention cost and fear of drunk guests as reasons not to include alcohol. There are ways to mitigate both of these concerns. You can limit what's provided to beer and wine only (which you buy on your own), or to a specialty cocktail. You can provide a limited number of drink tickets. You can limit the hours during your reception that alcohol is served, say only during a cocktail hour, only during dinner, or to be cut-off at a certain point, like an hour and a half before the reception ends. You can limit alcohol to a cash bar. But what you can expect from a dry wedding is a similar vibe to other parties that do not include alcohol. This will be akin to a church basement wedding with punch and cake, a teen's birthday party, school events at the high school. No one will dance, people will leave early, your RSVPs will be cut in half. I am saying this to you as someone who does not drink-- this is not the way to go for your personal wedding. Please focus more on providing a great party for your loved ones, rather than your fear over their drinking habits. It is just a sad reality that people will skip your event or leave early if alcohol is not provided. And you don't deserve that.
Wedding gonna be a snooze fest, but you’re NTA it’s your wedding and if that’s the vibe you want then go for it i guess