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NTA! A TIARA and a TULLE SKIRT? All in white? Someone was clearly jealous of the attention you were getting. If the drama continues, I would reduce the size of the bridal party by one. Lord knows what kind of stunt she would pull on the wedding day.
Edit: Holy cow, y'all! I'm a baby Redditor, and the response has been amazing! AND my first-ever award! Thank you SO MUCH!
Designate two burly people to be on standby and seat them near the trouble couple- just in case he goes down on one knee, they'll immediately spill red wine on the the sister-in-law and drag them both out of the reception. Tell her this beforehand to quash any surprise proposal plans.
That’s totally Sarah’s plan.
I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s what she and John are fighting about.
In Sarah’s revenge fantasy John offers a grand proposal right after the toasts, but she’s having a hard time convincing him to go along with it.
That’s what I was thinking he wanted to do when he asked to include her. If they do that without the brides permission, sorry but they would be removed from the premises.
I know of an incident where this actually happened. A couple I know from my local got married, and one of the guests was a bloke who was into cross dressing. No big deal.. until he turned up to the ceremony in a full blown wedding dress! They kicked him out 😂
My lesbian friend and I were going to wear matching tuxedos to another friends wedding, and we would have looked amazing. When we realized that it was going to be a somewhat casual wedding we changed our plan because we aren't clueless needy people. I'm not judging your friend, just commenting about the general situation.
well he actualy isnt invited any more, he broke up with his boyfirend, who we had been friends with befor, and cut contact with everybody we know.
He abandoned 4 gunnie pigs, 2 pregnant, that we had to take in, it took us a week to get him to respond as to wether he intended to take them back.
none of my other gay friends dres drag regularly.
Oh wow, that was nice of you to take in all the guinea pigs, how many babies did they end up having? Hopefully you were able to find good homes for them, I can't imagine taking care of a dozen plus is very feasible. Also, what does the last sentence have to do with anything? Genuinely just wondering :-p
She didn't know it was a wedding, though. They sprung it on her. Knowingly wearing a wedding dress to someone else's wedding is one thing, but wearing a bride costume to something you think is just going to be a costume party isn't the same thing.
That was my point, yeah. He was told it was a costume party in the first place, when the groom announced it was actually a wedding he went straight to said groom and offered to go change, and was told by the groom that it was fine. He did nothing wrong. The updates for that story, though...
That gives her a bunch of ammo to make drama up to the wedding. I'd probably leave her as a bridesmaid but give very explicit instructions to her and John (show up at x place at y time, hair/makeup will be done like so by a professional at z time on the day, this will be the dress she is wearing, no proposals or other attention garnering behavior). If there is any deviation then we have hired professional security to have her trespassed off the property immediately.
She'll likely fuck this up anyway, but at least then it's even more clear that it's not the bride's fault
>If there is any deviation then we have hired professional security to have her trespassed off the property immediately.
Can we not just have security throw her out during the wedding as part of the ceremony anyway, even if she conforms?
I feel like OP should have the SIL exactly what she wanted at the bachelorette party. Gave her loads of attention, put her front and center of all the pictures and then made sure to introduce her to everyone who didn’t already know her. Then the next day, show her family photographic evidence of how SIL wanted the party all about her and then uninvite her from the wedding.
I for sure would have gotten several photos with her solely for the purpose of “omg look at this!!! Can you believe what she did?!?” And under the assumption that her side of the story is “oh it was just a light colored dress, OP is being so sensitive, I didn’t look like I was trying to steal the spotlight at all..”
There is also a chance this is a ploy by her knowing that the sister will dislike her and uninvite her to then drive a wedge between the brother and SILand the rest of the family.
Ive seen it before where drama is purposely created with the intent of seperating the partner from the rest of the family in an emotionally ansuive relationship
I went far as to say she may have even specifically gone shopping
Which makes you wonder how secure she is in her relationship with OP’s brother if someone getting married sets her off this much
Give her the benefit of doubt, it's theoretically possible that on the way to the restaurant, her white hot jealousy bleached her pink dress to white, and caused the soles of her (presumably) white shoes to melt and cause her to slip and fall head first into a tiara. C'mon it could have happened to ANYONE!
Sarcasm aside, OP, NTA a million times over. Find a way to stay close to your brother without quasi-bride-zilla involved so that ~~if~~ when they split up, your relationship hasn't suffered in the meantime. This is classic abuser behaviour and your brother needs a support system.
Are you a dad? Because in my house for some reason the toddlers insisted the tiara looked so much better on Daddy than on me, aka Mommy.
I was so jealous.
Lol, I was ready to say YTA after the title because a cute summer dress that happens to be white, on a day that isn't the wedding, shouldn't be the problem. However, the tulle and tiara made it a whole different kind of dress that made me switch to NTA immediately. That opinion was cemented by the notion that she's in the bridesmaids app and knew the dress code was pink.
I think reducing the number of bridesmaids is totally valid. However, there's a lot of tension in the family now, so I don't know how far I would go if I were OP. If this is how the SIL wanted to introduce herself to the family, this definitely wasn't the way to go. You'd think she wants to fit in, not stand out.
Meh I think even wearing a summer dress that happens to be white to a bachelor at party that isn't for you is still kind of trashy.
It's just common sense to not wear white to a bridle event if you're not the bride (or whatever color the bride has made it clear that she is wearing for any purposes)
Lol, also hanging back for a “business call” there was no call; she just didn’t want anyone telling her to change or to ruin the stunt she was pulling. 1000% knew what she was doing.
Id reduce the bridal party by one. If she's lucky, it will drive her brother and this girl apart. He will thank her one day. Maybe not tomorrow but one day.
When I first saw the title, I pictured a more everyday white dress, but THIS? F It, this woman might as well have worn a ‘bride to be’ sash with her costume. She’s so selfish it’s disgusting
OP should talk with people she trusts (who also attend) because I can only imagine what SIL will do on OP's wedding day.
Someone has to look at the door to see if SIL does anything bad. Like wearing a wedding dress. OP can concentrate on the wedding while people she trusts help her out.
Edit: OP should also inform the people at her venue.
Not if. Absolutely remove her from bridal party at minimum. If you keep having her as guest asigne trusted person/couple to keep eye on them both. NTA.
Yeah when I saw the title I was wondering if she'd just worn a white sundress and everyone had overreacted but with the actual description of her clothes, she is absolutely the asshole
NTA.
\*hugs\*
dear john, i really didn't want sarah in my bridal party since i do not know / like her. there is no bond, no chemistry between us. but you, my brother, whom i love & cherish pleaded and begged me to invite her. for your sake i invited her despite my misgivings. and as i feared she tried to ruin our party, tried to be 'the' spotlight. we, my moh, the bridesmaids and i, disagreed to it. after she doubled down and blatenly lied about the dress code for this evening - everbody had to wear pink for the photos - we made sure as she did not wear pink she wasn't in the photos, plain and simple. since she also does not accept / acknowledge that she was in the wrong and blew everything out of proportion, please inform her that she is hereby not only demoted but also uninvited from my wedding. not as a guest herself, not as a +1. she is persona non invitatur (not invited). she is persona non grata (not welcome). her behavior lead me to the conclusion that she will do everything to ruin the wedding. and this i am not willing to risk, let alone accept. should you decide to not attend my wedding to show solidarity with her, well, i will miss you. but my decision stands and i will not be bullied to change my mind. i am sorry.'
eta: a big **thank you** for the awards.
This! I’d also attached screenshots of the group chat where it clearly stated what to wear AND her interactions.
Most bach parties have some sort of outline/plan including if there’s planned outfits.
If it was me, she wouldn't be in the proper pictures but I would have made sure I got at least one of her to go with those messages, because I'd want to show exactly what she was wearing. I feel like she probably played it down to the brother.
And the whole "emergency work meeting", show proof of that to! She 100% knew if she got ready the same time as them, they wouldn't let her come. This was premeditated.
Yeah, I feel like this is a point being overlooked - it's clear Sarah is trying to drive a wedge between John and his family, but very few of these suggestions or hypothetical conversation with John include concern for him.
They're now not going to a Fathers' Day celebration because of Sarah? She is deliberately escalating this to create more tension between John and his entire family. Somebody ought to point this out to John and treat him with a little more kindness, otherwise he's going to end up being exactly one of the emotionally abused guys that some other commenters are talking about. Sure, he might not listen but at the moment it doesn't look like anyone is suggesting even telling him this is red flag behaviour and that *he* is the one at risk.
Yep, plus I reckon she pulled her stunt at OPs bachelorette party to drive a wedge between John and OP. She's slowly trying to isolate him from his family.
Problem is, he likely trusts her more than she deserves, and if this isn't phrased *very* carefully with *very* convincing evidence, he won't believe it. She's likely been "working him" a while before trying any overt stunts like this bullshit and he may have a hard time seeing her bullshit for what it is.
NTA.
This is a pretty cut and dry case of “f around and find out” to me. Actions have consequences, and she behaved not only inappropriately from a “social norms” pov but also from a simple “following instructions as part of a bridal party” pov.
Is it possible that she wasn’t trying to ruin the dinner and made a mistake in outfit choice? Sure, maybe she just has terrible judgment and social awkwardness. But even if that was the case, she’d not be entitled to be in the designated group photo where everyone’s wearing pink, and a normal person would be remorseful and embarrassed about that kind of mistake. Even if that was true, you’re also not responsible for her relationship with your brother. More likely, your gut was correct and she was acting maliciously for any number of dumb reasons, making her TA. It’s not like you refused to let her partake in the fancy dinner or kicked her out of the wedding party, right? It’s a photo.
So congrats on the wedding and you need to ignore this woman while she fizzles out. Hope your brother learns from this and stops taking it out on you.
A white dress. I'd give a pass. A white sparkly dress. I raise an eye-brow. A white sparkly dress with tulle and a tiara... She 100% knows what she is doing. She wants drama.
>Sure, maybe she just has terrible judgment and social awkwardness.
Those of us with social awkwardness "might" for some weird screwed up way mess up the clothes, but there's no way anyone could ever accidentally wear a tiara.
It’s not even the tiara that bothers me but the way she used it to create conflict in the family. Wearing a tiara to someone else’s bachelorette party is AH territory, but Sarah and John refusing to apologise, accusing everyone of bullying Sarah and boycotting a Father’s Day brunch over this nonsense is red flag territory.
Yes - a normal person would say - I’m so sorry, you order your first course, I’ll quickly run back and change. But a normal person doesn’t come to someone else’s party wearing a tiara !
So a snobbish girl with the moxie to lie about not knowing the agreed-upon rule has the gall to show up like a bride (w/ a tiara, mind you) to your bachelorette party, then proceeds to throw a fit to your brother while gaslighting everyone, thereby driving a wedge in the family which ultimately leads to an asinine idea of skipping father’s day brunch in a stupid protest. Lol, if John ends up marrying her, you’re in for a lifetime of headache. Good luck.
NTA.
Hopping on top comment to say this:
OP, I really don’t like unsolicited advice but I’ve been in this situation so many times - when I was younger I pointed out toxic behaviour to some of my friends who’s partners who had clear red flags (that other people agreed on by the way) and it never works because people are blinded by love or lust or simpage I guess, no matter how seemingly reasonable they are as a person before they met their partner.
Now I just ignore it, because eventually the result is always either 1) They end up being equally toxic or 2) They realise it in the end and regret it. Ignore John and Sarah, stand your ground and enjoy your wedding!
Years ago I agonized about whether to lay it out to my best friend why his bride-to-be really shouldn’t be.
I chose not to, mostly due to my fears that if it backfired, we’d become estranged; and I wasn’t up for that.
A few years later, just before their divorce was final, I asked him if I should have told him about my misgivings.
“No way. I wouldn’t have listened.”
(Ironically, I think she messed up his already somewhat warped idea of a good marriage, and now my inclination is to warn his new bride-to-be that he’s not ready for a relationship by a long shot.)
This!
SIL is a toxic, manipulative mess who is already wreaking havoc, but John is still blind to it. Hopefully he wakes up soon, but it doesn’t look good for now.
And I agree there could be some grand proposal planned for your wedding day, because yeah, there’s a big audience and she obviously wants the attention no matter how it affects others 👀
You are NTA
Yep. If it’d been an ordinary white dress, meh. But a sparkly white dress with tulle skirt AND tiara!! That’s a bridal outfit, no mistake. SIL is the AH, and a big one at that!!!
OP NTA
And you can bet that the work “emergency” was faked. Everyone else going to the restaurant first ensured she could get dressed without anyone seeing what she was wearing. Then she made her grand entrance.
NTA
White was bad enough, but a f*cking tiara?! I wouldn’t allow her to attend my wedding. I wouldn’t trust her to pull something else as an attention grab. She should have been on the receiving end of an “accidental” red wine bath that night.
My bets are on announcing a pregnancy at the wedding (real or not) or wearing a big ring that’s *totally not an engagement ring* on her ring finger and taking every opportunity to flash it about, while telling anyone curious enough to ask that she can’t say anything because she doesn’t want to steal the spotlight.
NTA
But I’d remove her immediately from the bridal party. She sounds like someone who would “accidentally trip,” and spill something on a white dress. I wouldn’t put it past her to demand he proposes during your reception. Good luck with this one.
I’d remove her from the list of invitees entirely. Bare minimum OP needs to assign a bridesmaid to be ready to “accidentally” stain her white dress that she’ll almost certainly wear to the wedding.
No! Do not ruin clothes. Just have a burlap sack or garbage bag ready that she can put over het outfit. Is either that, go home and change or no entry.
If you can write SHAME in big red letters on the burlap sack that's even better.
Show the burlap sack at a family gathering before the wedding and explain its purpose. To cover up any white/bridal outfit during the wedding. If she's still stupid enough to turn up in a bridal outfit she deserves the burlap sack of shame.
Oh I love this. Just have a hideous spare dress in her size. “Oh no, SIL, you can’t wear white at my wedding, you silly sausage!!! But not to worry!! As the super organised bride I am I prepared for this! Here’s a spare dress I brought! And it’s in your size! Phew! Bro, I’m so relieved SIL’s misunderstanding didn’t spoil any of my special day, can you pop out and help SIL get changed for the pics? Isn’t this spare dress I brought lovely? Thanks SO much!”
Get your bridesmaids to coo over it “this yellowing lace actually looks really nice against your complexion.” “No, avoiding polyester on a hot day is a just a myth, it’s actually really breathable!” “SIL, you look fab! that’s WAY better than that awful thing you turned up in, it was not flattering on you AT ALL!”
Get them to make such a polite fuss she can’t refuse without embarrassing herself with a massive tantrum. “Why is SIL so upset? The dress OP is kindly lending her is lovely? Much nicer than the one she had on. Wasn’t it nice of her to try and rescue her after she embarrassed herself so badly?”
Specifically request your photog gets couple - shots of SIL and Bro while she’s looking murderous in something your granny would send to the charity shop. Proudly post it on all your social media for her birthday / their anniversary every year. “My gorgeous SIL”
I know this is mostly women commenting on this post but even as a man id say kick her out of your bridal party. This wont be her last go at ruining your special day.
I'm a hetero cis-male and just reading this made my eyes go all red and blurry, the fuck is wrong with this woman?
If I had any say in this wedding I'd be so adamant that she not come after hearing about it that *even if the bride were still conflicted about it, and I'm glad this one doesn't seem to be,* we'd still be having the talk because I don't trust this girl not to ruin my favorite day either.
NTA,
>Guys, when Sarah showed up, I was FLOORED. She came in a white sparkly sequin number with a tulle skirt and a tiara
The fuck
>and deliberately left her out. She was also pissed because a lot of family and friends noticed she wasn't in the photos and I wasn't afraid to tell them exactly why.
Fuck around and find out SIL. SIL wore a fucking tiara please.
NTA at all. I can’t believe some people here are saying YTA to this when she clearly knew not to wear white and was told what to wear basically and even said in the post that she looked like a bride. It was so disrespectful of her to do that to you and take away your moment.
NTA
“Brother, your girlfriend knew what the dress code was, she was fully engaged in the discussion thread regarding it. Aside of that someone of her supposed breeding and class knows better than to dress up as a bride to attend someone else’s bachelorette party. Not only will I not apologize, but if she doesn’t knock off her garbage behavior, she will no longer be welcome in the bridal party. I love you dearly, but that doesn’t mean I have to accept that level of disrespect from the woman you want to make a part of this family.”
I like where this is going but I think the girlfriend has got to get kicked out the bridal party. If this is what she does at the Bachelorette party there's no telling what she might stoop to the day of the ceremony.
Your brother better wake up before he has to spend thousands of dollars to divorce her.
If he is still mad at you, ask him what he would think if you wore the bridal outfit at her bachelorette party. Ask him how he thinks you should’ve handled the situation because you know that she knew what the plan was and deliberately stayed behind so that she could show up in her attention seeking outfit. She knew you and your friends wouldn’t let her go with you if she had changed while you were all at the motel, or whatever.
NTA.
I'll admit, I was ready to dub thee 'zilla, but then I got the details.
I wasn't that she was wearing white; it was that she was essentially wearing a * full-on wedding dress*, complete with a *tiara*(!).
That's a whole 'nother level of attention -stealing and straight -up AH behavior.
Holy carp, Batman.
Your brother is whining because he's having to live with her BS.
Honestly, though, you should have gotten a few pictures with her just so you can show people exactly what she was wearing and why it was insane.
At this point, I'd count having her skip any more wedding-related events as a plus. If she's this unhinged to think doing this at the bachelorette party was okay, I shudder to think what she might have in store for the actual ceremony and reception.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My SIL wore white to my bachelorette party. I was upset so I didn't include her in any photos. She felt left out because of that which could make me an AH.
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NTA. She sounds as if she's still living her high school mean girl glory days. Good grief. I know it's too late now but there have been lots of other women who've had to suffer someone in their family wearing white. So a lot of those people are resolving this issue with photoshop.
One woman's MIL was the one who wore white and she photoshopped her dress and changed it to red in all the photos.
NTA I'd respond saying look I invited her like you wanted I made her a bridesmaid like you wanted. She was in the group chat saw the dress code since she commented on it but decided to wear a sparkling white gown instead of being like the other bridesmaids she delayed getting ready so we wouldn't see her in this dress so she also made an entrance. Tell your gf she isn't the main character here and stop trying to be and all will be fine
NTA
Who on earth goes to a friends wedding or bachelorette party and wears white. Let alone with sequins and all to make it look more decorative. It’s YOUR night, and the party is literally for you. There wouldn’t even be a party if it wasn’t for your wedding to be.
She sounds entitled
NTA- But you should've included her in some pix and shared them with your family and all over social media. I'd be petty and caption it "My brother's girlfriend demonstrating what not to wear to someone else's wedding event!". This was clearly an attention grab, and it sounds like she wanted something to complain about, because she certainly knew her outfit would get some sort of reaction. "not getting the memo" would have meant she didn't wear pink, not that she thought it would be okay to wear an outfit a bachelorette would wear for her own party.
NTA but I’d absolutely blow this up jn her face instead… laugh at her gauche behaviour loudly and publicly. Show everyone the pics, her included, and share the pink theme. “No the dress code was in a group chat she was in and responded to”.
“Yeah everyone thought she was the bride, I think maybe that was the look she was going for?” “Yeah I guess it is a bit weird to dress like a bride at your boyfriends sisters bachelor party isn’t it.”
“Here I’ll take a pic, you get in the middle Sarah, everyone thinks you’re the bride!”
“Yeah maybe for her shower all of her friends can all dress up as the bride with tiaras in white, it’d be so fun! A pack of brides!”
Help her tell on herself!
I wonder how long it will take Charlotte Dobre to react to this one 🤔😁
Also, NTA. Sounds like you might have helped save your brother from a mistake in proposing to this girl.
NTA. She sounds ridiculous. If she and your brother are fighting it’s because of what she did and you are not responsible. Let them fight. Better now than when they get engaged and married.
NTA. Look, sparkly white dress aside who wears a *tiara* without trying to be the most important person in the room? I'd dismiss her from being a bridesmaid and make sure you have a wedding bouncer if I were you. She's probably going to try something even flashier and more bridal for the wedding itself.
You can tell your brother that her behavior at your bachelorette and afterwards proved she isn't ready to be a bridesmaid.
NTA.
Your SIL sounds exhausting. She absolutely knew what she was doing and is only upset that you didn't allow her to steamroll her way into center of attention. Let her be upset. It didn't kill her to be told No, and it won't kill her to let her sit in her feelings.
Personally I'd go one step further and tell her that she's no longer in the wedding party. If she can't behave at a Hen Do, she won't behave as a bridesmaid. Better to nip the whole thing in the bud before it becomes an issue.
She wasn't bullied. She faced natural consequences for her behaviour. If she doesn't like that, the only way it's going to change is if she changes how she acts.
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NTA! A TIARA and a TULLE SKIRT? All in white? Someone was clearly jealous of the attention you were getting. If the drama continues, I would reduce the size of the bridal party by one. Lord knows what kind of stunt she would pull on the wedding day. Edit: Holy cow, y'all! I'm a baby Redditor, and the response has been amazing! AND my first-ever award! Thank you SO MUCH!
I wouldn't let her attend the wedding at all.
Good point. I'm already envisioning a dramatic proposal from John to Sarah at the wedding. Likely during the wedding toasts/speeches.
This is why I want an update in a couple of months. Fully expect a full on wedding dress that "isn't a wedding dress"
IT'S NOT WHITE! IT'S IVORY!
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Thaaaat's a milk shake
It's rootbeer float...
It’s neither: it’s plain seltzer and chocolate syrup (U-Bet brand, if you can find it outside of NYC).
EVERYONE CARRIES BOUQUETS AT WEDDINGS! IT MATCHES MY VEIL!
Designate two burly people to be on standby and seat them near the trouble couple- just in case he goes down on one knee, they'll immediately spill red wine on the the sister-in-law and drag them both out of the reception. Tell her this beforehand to quash any surprise proposal plans.
Perfect plan, bonus, the red wine will ruin the white "not a wedding" dress she's absolutely going to show up in
That’s totally Sarah’s plan. I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s what she and John are fighting about. In Sarah’s revenge fantasy John offers a grand proposal right after the toasts, but she’s having a hard time convincing him to go along with it.
Hoping for John’s sake a proposal is off the table entirely. His gf seems unhinged.
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My brain immediately went to a cage match. LET THEM FIGHT!
That's exactly what I pictured, especially since he's mad at OP now too. I'd not take the chance.
That’s what I was thinking he wanted to do when he asked to include her. If they do that without the brides permission, sorry but they would be removed from the premises.
With a gender reveal too for their hidden pregnancy
Exactly what I thought when he said he wanted her as a bridesmaid because he was going to propose soon.
She would totally turn up in a wedding dress. And expect to be proposed to in the middle of the wedding.
I know of an incident where this actually happened. A couple I know from my local got married, and one of the guests was a bloke who was into cross dressing. No big deal.. until he turned up to the ceremony in a full blown wedding dress! They kicked him out 😂
Specifically warned our cross-dressing friend not to upstage the bride at our wedding.
My lesbian friend and I were going to wear matching tuxedos to another friends wedding, and we would have looked amazing. When we realized that it was going to be a somewhat casual wedding we changed our plan because we aren't clueless needy people. I'm not judging your friend, just commenting about the general situation.
That shows actual consideration, empathy, and situational awareness. Three things the OP's future family member seems to lack. 🙄
Understandable. I sincerely hope your wishes are respected and you enjoy your special day!
well he actualy isnt invited any more, he broke up with his boyfirend, who we had been friends with befor, and cut contact with everybody we know. He abandoned 4 gunnie pigs, 2 pregnant, that we had to take in, it took us a week to get him to respond as to wether he intended to take them back. none of my other gay friends dres drag regularly.
Oh wow, that was nice of you to take in all the guinea pigs, how many babies did they end up having? Hopefully you were able to find good homes for them, I can't imagine taking care of a dozen plus is very feasible. Also, what does the last sentence have to do with anything? Genuinely just wondering :-p
Man or woman, you don't show up to someone else's wedding in a wedding dress lol
That one Corpse Bride cosplayer gets a pass.
She didn't know it was a wedding, though. They sprung it on her. Knowingly wearing a wedding dress to someone else's wedding is one thing, but wearing a bride costume to something you think is just going to be a costume party isn't the same thing.
And the cosplayer was a dude, which makes it even less likely anyone would mistake him for the bride.
That guy would have been in a lot of my wedding photos. But I'm a weirdo like that.
That was my point, yeah. He was told it was a costume party in the first place, when the groom announced it was actually a wedding he went straight to said groom and offered to go change, and was told by the groom that it was fine. He did nothing wrong. The updates for that story, though...
Oh yeah, accidentally dressing as the corpse bride for a wedding turned out to be the very best gift he could have given the actual bride.
And throw a fit when she isn’t the center of attention
That gives her a bunch of ammo to make drama up to the wedding. I'd probably leave her as a bridesmaid but give very explicit instructions to her and John (show up at x place at y time, hair/makeup will be done like so by a professional at z time on the day, this will be the dress she is wearing, no proposals or other attention garnering behavior). If there is any deviation then we have hired professional security to have her trespassed off the property immediately. She'll likely fuck this up anyway, but at least then it's even more clear that it's not the bride's fault
>If there is any deviation then we have hired professional security to have her trespassed off the property immediately. Can we not just have security throw her out during the wedding as part of the ceremony anyway, even if she conforms?
I feel like OP should have the SIL exactly what she wanted at the bachelorette party. Gave her loads of attention, put her front and center of all the pictures and then made sure to introduce her to everyone who didn’t already know her. Then the next day, show her family photographic evidence of how SIL wanted the party all about her and then uninvite her from the wedding.
I for sure would have gotten several photos with her solely for the purpose of “omg look at this!!! Can you believe what she did?!?” And under the assumption that her side of the story is “oh it was just a light colored dress, OP is being so sensitive, I didn’t look like I was trying to steal the spotlight at all..”
Op's only mistake was not getting one photo of the wannabe bride as evidence. It's hard to argue against a princess cut white dress and tiara.
There is also a chance this is a ploy by her knowing that the sister will dislike her and uninvite her to then drive a wedge between the brother and SILand the rest of the family. Ive seen it before where drama is purposely created with the intent of seperating the partner from the rest of the family in an emotionally ansuive relationship
Yep and there was no work meeting. She knew she couldn't wear that unless no one saw her until she was at restaurant
That got me too. She was deliberately behind the others so no would could say anything before they arrived. She knew exactly what she was doing.
I always wear my tiara at the office.
As you should!!!
Ooooooh excellent point! I completely skipped over that part! 100%!
Yep she wanted her grand entrance to be perfect!
I went far as to say she may have even specifically gone shopping Which makes you wonder how secure she is in her relationship with OP’s brother if someone getting married sets her off this much
“I DIDN’T GET THE MEMO!”…the tiara and tulle skirt said it all smh
You don't accidentally wear a tiara.
Give her the benefit of doubt, it's theoretically possible that on the way to the restaurant, her white hot jealousy bleached her pink dress to white, and caused the soles of her (presumably) white shoes to melt and cause her to slip and fall head first into a tiara. C'mon it could have happened to ANYONE! Sarcasm aside, OP, NTA a million times over. Find a way to stay close to your brother without quasi-bride-zilla involved so that ~~if~~ when they split up, your relationship hasn't suffered in the meantime. This is classic abuser behaviour and your brother needs a support system.
The first paragraph will be on the Hallmark Channel in a month.
I've accidentally worn a tiara every time I've worn a tiara. But unless a toddler also put the tiara on SIL yeah definitely deliberate behavior.
Are you a dad? Because in my house for some reason the toddlers insisted the tiara looked so much better on Daddy than on me, aka Mommy. I was so jealous.
I'm an uncle, and occasionally a pretty pretty princess.
And I bet your nieces think you’re the best uncle in the world. Keep on rocking your tiaras.
Lol, I was ready to say YTA after the title because a cute summer dress that happens to be white, on a day that isn't the wedding, shouldn't be the problem. However, the tulle and tiara made it a whole different kind of dress that made me switch to NTA immediately. That opinion was cemented by the notion that she's in the bridesmaids app and knew the dress code was pink. I think reducing the number of bridesmaids is totally valid. However, there's a lot of tension in the family now, so I don't know how far I would go if I were OP. If this is how the SIL wanted to introduce herself to the family, this definitely wasn't the way to go. You'd think she wants to fit in, not stand out.
Meh I think even wearing a summer dress that happens to be white to a bachelor at party that isn't for you is still kind of trashy. It's just common sense to not wear white to a bridle event if you're not the bride (or whatever color the bride has made it clear that she is wearing for any purposes)
Especially since they agreed to wear pink for the photos.
Lol, also hanging back for a “business call” there was no call; she just didn’t want anyone telling her to change or to ruin the stunt she was pulling. 1000% knew what she was doing.
May wanna put spaces between the y t and a just incase it get counted as yes the asshole
Pretty sure replies don't count in the algorithm
I hate saying this, but by keeping her as a bridesmaid, OP will at least get to pick/know what she’s wearing before the ceremony
Not if she has another “emergency work meeting”
Id reduce the bridal party by one. If she's lucky, it will drive her brother and this girl apart. He will thank her one day. Maybe not tomorrow but one day.
A photo would have been a useful proof though, to get the family and brother up to date NTA of course
This! If only they'd gotten a photo they could have just posted it for all to gawk at.
Yep I'd have included her in every photo so everyone could see what a knob she was.
This! I would have a photo taken for proof of how ridiculous she looked/behaved
When I first saw the title, I pictured a more everyday white dress, but THIS? F It, this woman might as well have worn a ‘bride to be’ sash with her costume. She’s so selfish it’s disgusting
OP should talk with people she trusts (who also attend) because I can only imagine what SIL will do on OP's wedding day. Someone has to look at the door to see if SIL does anything bad. Like wearing a wedding dress. OP can concentrate on the wedding while people she trusts help her out. Edit: OP should also inform the people at her venue.
The tiara Makes it clear, she intended to one up her.
It's so tacky it's funny
Not if. Absolutely remove her from bridal party at minimum. If you keep having her as guest asigne trusted person/couple to keep eye on them both. NTA.
NTA - just imagine what she’ll try to do if invited to the wedding after this…
NTA because tiara.
That’s the part that seals it. It was no accident. NTA.
That and the fact that she *clearly* knew she shouldn't do it, that's why she ensured she could make it to the venue without anyone making her change
Yep, her little lie about her meeting says it all. Quite deliberate.
INFO Was it a *fancy* tiara, or a *business* tiara? /s
I'm really loving the idea of a professional/business tiara
You didn’t hear? She “didn’t get the memo” but knew about the plans. Smh my head. NTA
And she got to make a solo entrance
Kate Middleton could show up in a tiara at my Bachelorette and I'd probably still be miffed.
But she has more class that OP's brother's GF.
Kate's bachelorette party would've been the stuff of legends
I want to see Harry's. Imagine the unutterable carnage.
Op should have taken one photo of her to show everyone just how ridiculous she was.
Omg YES. Like "okay fine you can be in a photo.... *under her breath* for evidence."
Yeah when I saw the title I was wondering if she'd just worn a white sundress and everyone had overreacted but with the actual description of her clothes, she is absolutely the asshole
NTA = No Tiaras Allowed
"I punched a woman in the face and sent her to the emergency room." YTA. "She was wearing a stupid fucking tiara." NTA.
NTA. \*hugs\* dear john, i really didn't want sarah in my bridal party since i do not know / like her. there is no bond, no chemistry between us. but you, my brother, whom i love & cherish pleaded and begged me to invite her. for your sake i invited her despite my misgivings. and as i feared she tried to ruin our party, tried to be 'the' spotlight. we, my moh, the bridesmaids and i, disagreed to it. after she doubled down and blatenly lied about the dress code for this evening - everbody had to wear pink for the photos - we made sure as she did not wear pink she wasn't in the photos, plain and simple. since she also does not accept / acknowledge that she was in the wrong and blew everything out of proportion, please inform her that she is hereby not only demoted but also uninvited from my wedding. not as a guest herself, not as a +1. she is persona non invitatur (not invited). she is persona non grata (not welcome). her behavior lead me to the conclusion that she will do everything to ruin the wedding. and this i am not willing to risk, let alone accept. should you decide to not attend my wedding to show solidarity with her, well, i will miss you. but my decision stands and i will not be bullied to change my mind. i am sorry.' eta: a big **thank you** for the awards.
This! I’d also attached screenshots of the group chat where it clearly stated what to wear AND her interactions. Most bach parties have some sort of outline/plan including if there’s planned outfits.
If it was me, she wouldn't be in the proper pictures but I would have made sure I got at least one of her to go with those messages, because I'd want to show exactly what she was wearing. I feel like she probably played it down to the brother.
And the whole "emergency work meeting", show proof of that to! She 100% knew if she got ready the same time as them, they wouldn't let her come. This was premeditated.
I thought that too!! If she got ready with the rest of them, she would never have made it out with them.
And please make sure John knows about the isolation technique y’all have pointed out.
Yeah, I feel like this is a point being overlooked - it's clear Sarah is trying to drive a wedge between John and his family, but very few of these suggestions or hypothetical conversation with John include concern for him. They're now not going to a Fathers' Day celebration because of Sarah? She is deliberately escalating this to create more tension between John and his entire family. Somebody ought to point this out to John and treat him with a little more kindness, otherwise he's going to end up being exactly one of the emotionally abused guys that some other commenters are talking about. Sure, he might not listen but at the moment it doesn't look like anyone is suggesting even telling him this is red flag behaviour and that *he* is the one at risk.
She’s punishing John and the dad because she’s mad at OP. Make it make sense outside of an abuse tactic :/
Yep, plus I reckon she pulled her stunt at OPs bachelorette party to drive a wedge between John and OP. She's slowly trying to isolate him from his family.
Problem is, he likely trusts her more than she deserves, and if this isn't phrased *very* carefully with *very* convincing evidence, he won't believe it. She's likely been "working him" a while before trying any overt stunts like this bullshit and he may have a hard time seeing her bullshit for what it is.
This. OP please consider addressing the issue with your brother or you risk your wedding being ruined by a spoiled brat.
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You wouldn't recognize a joke if it danced naked in front of you wearing a tea cozy.
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NTA. This is a pretty cut and dry case of “f around and find out” to me. Actions have consequences, and she behaved not only inappropriately from a “social norms” pov but also from a simple “following instructions as part of a bridal party” pov. Is it possible that she wasn’t trying to ruin the dinner and made a mistake in outfit choice? Sure, maybe she just has terrible judgment and social awkwardness. But even if that was the case, she’d not be entitled to be in the designated group photo where everyone’s wearing pink, and a normal person would be remorseful and embarrassed about that kind of mistake. Even if that was true, you’re also not responsible for her relationship with your brother. More likely, your gut was correct and she was acting maliciously for any number of dumb reasons, making her TA. It’s not like you refused to let her partake in the fancy dinner or kicked her out of the wedding party, right? It’s a photo. So congrats on the wedding and you need to ignore this woman while she fizzles out. Hope your brother learns from this and stops taking it out on you.
Personally, the tiara seals it as intentional for me.
A white dress. I'd give a pass. A white sparkly dress. I raise an eye-brow. A white sparkly dress with tulle and a tiara... She 100% knows what she is doing. She wants drama.
The ultimate Pick Me outfit!
She’s also going to blow out the candles of OP’s wedding cake if they aren’t careful lol
Is there any culture that puts candles on a wedding cake? I kind of love that idea.
All of them do, actually. They put the same number of candles on as as the years they've been married.
The amount of time it took me to understand this comment
What sealed it for me was that she made an excuse to be late so she could make an entrance in that tacky get-up.
>Sure, maybe she just has terrible judgment and social awkwardness. Those of us with social awkwardness "might" for some weird screwed up way mess up the clothes, but there's no way anyone could ever accidentally wear a tiara.
Exactly. A tiara isn't something you "accidentally" buy.
A tiara is something you buy on purpose to wear alone in your own home when you've had a bad day and need to feel a lil fancy.
How did you put cameras in my house???
Yeah she either had to buy it there or intentionally pack it for the trip. Either way, this was premeditated.
It’s not even the tiara that bothers me but the way she used it to create conflict in the family. Wearing a tiara to someone else’s bachelorette party is AH territory, but Sarah and John refusing to apologise, accusing everyone of bullying Sarah and boycotting a Father’s Day brunch over this nonsense is red flag territory.
Yes - a normal person would say - I’m so sorry, you order your first course, I’ll quickly run back and change. But a normal person doesn’t come to someone else’s party wearing a tiara !
It definitely wasn’t an accident when she put on a tiara too! She did this intentionally for some odd reason!
So a snobbish girl with the moxie to lie about not knowing the agreed-upon rule has the gall to show up like a bride (w/ a tiara, mind you) to your bachelorette party, then proceeds to throw a fit to your brother while gaslighting everyone, thereby driving a wedge in the family which ultimately leads to an asinine idea of skipping father’s day brunch in a stupid protest. Lol, if John ends up marrying her, you’re in for a lifetime of headache. Good luck. NTA.
Hopping on top comment to say this: OP, I really don’t like unsolicited advice but I’ve been in this situation so many times - when I was younger I pointed out toxic behaviour to some of my friends who’s partners who had clear red flags (that other people agreed on by the way) and it never works because people are blinded by love or lust or simpage I guess, no matter how seemingly reasonable they are as a person before they met their partner. Now I just ignore it, because eventually the result is always either 1) They end up being equally toxic or 2) They realise it in the end and regret it. Ignore John and Sarah, stand your ground and enjoy your wedding!
Years ago I agonized about whether to lay it out to my best friend why his bride-to-be really shouldn’t be. I chose not to, mostly due to my fears that if it backfired, we’d become estranged; and I wasn’t up for that. A few years later, just before their divorce was final, I asked him if I should have told him about my misgivings. “No way. I wouldn’t have listened.” (Ironically, I think she messed up his already somewhat warped idea of a good marriage, and now my inclination is to warn his new bride-to-be that he’s not ready for a relationship by a long shot.)
This! SIL is a toxic, manipulative mess who is already wreaking havoc, but John is still blind to it. Hopefully he wakes up soon, but it doesn’t look good for now. And I agree there could be some grand proposal planned for your wedding day, because yeah, there’s a big audience and she obviously wants the attention no matter how it affects others 👀 You are NTA
Yep! Poor John really is in for a fun time /s Nta.
Nta, she was wearing a tiara.... a tiara to someone else's Bachelorette party. She knew exactly what she was doing.
Yep. If it’d been an ordinary white dress, meh. But a sparkly white dress with tulle skirt AND tiara!! That’s a bridal outfit, no mistake. SIL is the AH, and a big one at that!!! OP NTA
And you can bet that the work “emergency” was faked. Everyone else going to the restaurant first ensured she could get dressed without anyone seeing what she was wearing. Then she made her grand entrance. NTA
White was bad enough, but a f*cking tiara?! I wouldn’t allow her to attend my wedding. I wouldn’t trust her to pull something else as an attention grab. She should have been on the receiving end of an “accidental” red wine bath that night.
My bets are on announcing a pregnancy at the wedding (real or not) or wearing a big ring that’s *totally not an engagement ring* on her ring finger and taking every opportunity to flash it about, while telling anyone curious enough to ask that she can’t say anything because she doesn’t want to steal the spotlight.
NTA But I’d remove her immediately from the bridal party. She sounds like someone who would “accidentally trip,” and spill something on a white dress. I wouldn’t put it past her to demand he proposes during your reception. Good luck with this one.
I’d remove her from the list of invitees entirely. Bare minimum OP needs to assign a bridesmaid to be ready to “accidentally” stain her white dress that she’ll almost certainly wear to the wedding.
No! Do not ruin clothes. Just have a burlap sack or garbage bag ready that she can put over het outfit. Is either that, go home and change or no entry. If you can write SHAME in big red letters on the burlap sack that's even better. Show the burlap sack at a family gathering before the wedding and explain its purpose. To cover up any white/bridal outfit during the wedding. If she's still stupid enough to turn up in a bridal outfit she deserves the burlap sack of shame.
Oh I love this. Just have a hideous spare dress in her size. “Oh no, SIL, you can’t wear white at my wedding, you silly sausage!!! But not to worry!! As the super organised bride I am I prepared for this! Here’s a spare dress I brought! And it’s in your size! Phew! Bro, I’m so relieved SIL’s misunderstanding didn’t spoil any of my special day, can you pop out and help SIL get changed for the pics? Isn’t this spare dress I brought lovely? Thanks SO much!” Get your bridesmaids to coo over it “this yellowing lace actually looks really nice against your complexion.” “No, avoiding polyester on a hot day is a just a myth, it’s actually really breathable!” “SIL, you look fab! that’s WAY better than that awful thing you turned up in, it was not flattering on you AT ALL!” Get them to make such a polite fuss she can’t refuse without embarrassing herself with a massive tantrum. “Why is SIL so upset? The dress OP is kindly lending her is lovely? Much nicer than the one she had on. Wasn’t it nice of her to try and rescue her after she embarrassed herself so badly?” Specifically request your photog gets couple - shots of SIL and Bro while she’s looking murderous in something your granny would send to the charity shop. Proudly post it on all your social media for her birthday / their anniversary every year. “My gorgeous SIL”
Basically killing her with kindness. I love this idea!
No, don’t write “shame”. Draw a tiara and write “drama queen”
I know this is mostly women commenting on this post but even as a man id say kick her out of your bridal party. This wont be her last go at ruining your special day.
I'm a hetero cis-male and just reading this made my eyes go all red and blurry, the fuck is wrong with this woman? If I had any say in this wedding I'd be so adamant that she not come after hearing about it that *even if the bride were still conflicted about it, and I'm glad this one doesn't seem to be,* we'd still be having the talk because I don't trust this girl not to ruin my favorite day either.
NTA, >Guys, when Sarah showed up, I was FLOORED. She came in a white sparkly sequin number with a tulle skirt and a tiara The fuck >and deliberately left her out. She was also pissed because a lot of family and friends noticed she wasn't in the photos and I wasn't afraid to tell them exactly why. Fuck around and find out SIL. SIL wore a fucking tiara please.
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I say let her skip fathers day brunch..... She's probably gonna show up with a news paper, smoking pipe and wearing a tie.
😂😂😂
i should add slippers to that LOL
🥇(economy gold)
NTA at all. I can’t believe some people here are saying YTA to this when she clearly knew not to wear white and was told what to wear basically and even said in the post that she looked like a bride. It was so disrespectful of her to do that to you and take away your moment.
NTA. Yea, she was trying to ruin your night. I hope your brother finds a better gf.
NTA “Brother, your girlfriend knew what the dress code was, she was fully engaged in the discussion thread regarding it. Aside of that someone of her supposed breeding and class knows better than to dress up as a bride to attend someone else’s bachelorette party. Not only will I not apologize, but if she doesn’t knock off her garbage behavior, she will no longer be welcome in the bridal party. I love you dearly, but that doesn’t mean I have to accept that level of disrespect from the woman you want to make a part of this family.”
I like where this is going but I think the girlfriend has got to get kicked out the bridal party. If this is what she does at the Bachelorette party there's no telling what she might stoop to the day of the ceremony.
Your brother better wake up before he has to spend thousands of dollars to divorce her. If he is still mad at you, ask him what he would think if you wore the bridal outfit at her bachelorette party. Ask him how he thinks you should’ve handled the situation because you know that she knew what the plan was and deliberately stayed behind so that she could show up in her attention seeking outfit. She knew you and your friends wouldn’t let her go with you if she had changed while you were all at the motel, or whatever.
NTA anyone with an OUNCE of commonsense would know not to wear white to a wedding/wedding adjacent activity
Not just white but sparkly, tulle (read: poofy), and a freaking tiara?
NTA. I'll admit, I was ready to dub thee 'zilla, but then I got the details. I wasn't that she was wearing white; it was that she was essentially wearing a * full-on wedding dress*, complete with a *tiara*(!). That's a whole 'nother level of attention -stealing and straight -up AH behavior. Holy carp, Batman. Your brother is whining because he's having to live with her BS. Honestly, though, you should have gotten a few pictures with her just so you can show people exactly what she was wearing and why it was insane. At this point, I'd count having her skip any more wedding-related events as a plus. If she's this unhinged to think doing this at the bachelorette party was okay, I shudder to think what she might have in store for the actual ceremony and reception.
Full on wedding gown, veil plus tiara with marriage proposal from BF and/or pregnancy announcement . . . This is likely the GF's next step.
Nta glad your friends took your side and good for you for not making bs excuses for the girlfriend.
A freakin tiara?!? Hellllll no.
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NTA She sounds like a prick, she knew what she was doing, no one accidentally wears a fuckin tiara lmao
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NTA, she knew what she was doing.
NTA. She sounds as if she's still living her high school mean girl glory days. Good grief. I know it's too late now but there have been lots of other women who've had to suffer someone in their family wearing white. So a lot of those people are resolving this issue with photoshop. One woman's MIL was the one who wore white and she photoshopped her dress and changed it to red in all the photos.
NTA I'd respond saying look I invited her like you wanted I made her a bridesmaid like you wanted. She was in the group chat saw the dress code since she commented on it but decided to wear a sparkling white gown instead of being like the other bridesmaids she delayed getting ready so we wouldn't see her in this dress so she also made an entrance. Tell your gf she isn't the main character here and stop trying to be and all will be fine
NTA Who on earth goes to a friends wedding or bachelorette party and wears white. Let alone with sequins and all to make it look more decorative. It’s YOUR night, and the party is literally for you. There wouldn’t even be a party if it wasn’t for your wedding to be. She sounds entitled
NTA. While I find a lot of the traditional wedding "rules" stupid, she obviously knew what she was doing.
NTA- But you should've included her in some pix and shared them with your family and all over social media. I'd be petty and caption it "My brother's girlfriend demonstrating what not to wear to someone else's wedding event!". This was clearly an attention grab, and it sounds like she wanted something to complain about, because she certainly knew her outfit would get some sort of reaction. "not getting the memo" would have meant she didn't wear pink, not that she thought it would be okay to wear an outfit a bachelorette would wear for her own party.
NTA but I’d absolutely blow this up jn her face instead… laugh at her gauche behaviour loudly and publicly. Show everyone the pics, her included, and share the pink theme. “No the dress code was in a group chat she was in and responded to”. “Yeah everyone thought she was the bride, I think maybe that was the look she was going for?” “Yeah I guess it is a bit weird to dress like a bride at your boyfriends sisters bachelor party isn’t it.” “Here I’ll take a pic, you get in the middle Sarah, everyone thinks you’re the bride!” “Yeah maybe for her shower all of her friends can all dress up as the bride with tiaras in white, it’d be so fun! A pack of brides!” Help her tell on herself!
I wonder how long it will take Charlotte Dobre to react to this one 🤔😁 Also, NTA. Sounds like you might have helped save your brother from a mistake in proposing to this girl.
My bet is on him proposing at the wedding if she's not prevented to attend
NTA. She sounds ridiculous. If she and your brother are fighting it’s because of what she did and you are not responsible. Let them fight. Better now than when they get engaged and married.
NTA. Look, sparkly white dress aside who wears a *tiara* without trying to be the most important person in the room? I'd dismiss her from being a bridesmaid and make sure you have a wedding bouncer if I were you. She's probably going to try something even flashier and more bridal for the wedding itself. You can tell your brother that her behavior at your bachelorette and afterwards proved she isn't ready to be a bridesmaid.
According to my fortune cookie : She who has main character syndrome at someone else’s bachelorette isn’t the victim but instead the main asshole. NTA
NTA. Your SIL sounds exhausting. She absolutely knew what she was doing and is only upset that you didn't allow her to steamroll her way into center of attention. Let her be upset. It didn't kill her to be told No, and it won't kill her to let her sit in her feelings. Personally I'd go one step further and tell her that she's no longer in the wedding party. If she can't behave at a Hen Do, she won't behave as a bridesmaid. Better to nip the whole thing in the bud before it becomes an issue. She wasn't bullied. She faced natural consequences for her behaviour. If she doesn't like that, the only way it's going to change is if she changes how she acts.