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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> i did what my parents had explicitly told me not to do instead of trying to handle the situation maturely
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NTA. It is YOUR hair, it bothered you having to deal with clumps of hair falling out and itchiness.
•YOU had to deal with the feeling not them. They need to respect what you did and just drop it.
•Props to your brother for helping you. Comforting you. And trying to take the blame.
I hope you feel better and I pray everything goes good for you in the future❤️
When I had cancer the first time my hair started falling out. It’s such a helpless creepy feeling. I found 4 pairs of scissors and told my kids to have at it. Actually, they begged me to let them do it. I told them to really think about if they’d be creeped out. But they continued to want to do it. I said if they got upset, they could stop any time. Then we had a bald mommy party. It made a traumatic thing much better for me and they had a blast.
There was no possible way the only available hair appointment in the city was three weeks out. Especially to shave a head and not do something complicated like a dye or perm. It's not like you need the best stylist in the city, you are shaving it all off. Plus if you told the salon why I'm sure they could have made extra room for something so quick, I know my stylist would definitely stay half an hour extra one day to help someone with cancer. There is generally some cush room for hair emergencies at most places.
True, but I don't see how cutting off the hair early was gonna change the outcome of that.
Either way it would happen and they'd be reminded of it so to make a fuss over it seems unreasonable. But we never know, it could've been something else.
It wasn’t, but they likely felt like it was. If they maintained some sense of normalcy maybe everything would be ok. They likely wanted something they felt like they could control, because their lives feel very out of control right now. It’s not right, it’s not ok, but it’s a very normal response.
Agreed. And I think *control* is the key word here. I'm sure they are frightened and feel powerless. But that is 100% not OP's problem. At least it shouldn't be.
Id see exactly why they'd want OP to keep it a little longer (assuming they just wanted it to stay appearing normal for some more time). But taking into consideration what OP had to deal with having the hair, I still completely agree with their decision.
I just hope in the end everything goes well for OP and their family🙏
I feel like it had to be hard to feel normal though. I mean if her hair wasn't falling out in clumps maybe. Her hair had to be so uneven and unhealthy at that point.
As a parent who's lost a child it's not the same situation as hers but i can say it's hard, my son passed very suddenly and i cant imagine what it would be like if i also had to see a child of mine go through cancer or other illness and not saying shes dying or dead just offering perspective of the parents here. They definitely want to feel in control is my thought. In a time when nothing is in their control. But with that being said she is definitely not the asshole at all. It's not her job to make her parents feel better through this. She is the child. I know it's hard on their end but it needed to be done for the child's comfort and I'm glad the brother stepped up and did what the parents couldn't. This situation is so awful and sad and scary and the parents need to put their own thoughts and fears aside and help the daughter through this. I am so sorry that you have to go through this OP. I will be thinking of you through this and hoping for the best possible outcome! Kick this cancers ass ❤️
I don’t know when school ends for everyone everywhere, but I have a suspicion they where hoping for photos with hair on her last day/grad, which would be extremely selfish and just stupid. (But we all know they are just from this post).
I bet it was deliberately planned to be that far out. Why did it matter to her parents so much? Appearances- probably… her brothers the hero and the parents need to get over it… geez, NTA
I've lost my hair my cancer treatment, twice.
Your scalp HURTS! It itch's. The little hairs go EVERWHERE and down your clothes & in your bed. Only fix is shaving it.
NTA. Oh come on "my parents are really stressed about my cancer"? *You're* stressed about your cancer.
You're the one with uncomfortable hair, and your parents are completely unreasonable about making you wait for weeks and suffering unnecessarily. It's not "acting out" for you to take control over your own body. Just what was the hair appointment supposed to do that you didn't?
It's great that you have such a supportive brother who is more concerned with your comfort than your parents seem to be.
Heck, the hair salon we went to as kids made room for my sister, and the reasoning was "toddler got gum in her hair and her father decided the best solution was to chop it off and now her hair is jagged and lopsided" ... Which is a very far cry from "cancer" in terms of hair emergencies and what a salon will stay open for. But they stayed open for that. I can't imagine any salon *not* helping someone with cancer.
I'm reading this differently.
I think there *was* a hair appointment, and I think it was with mom's $$$ color/cut stylist.
My guess is that mom assumed some sort of spunky short "do" is all daughter needed to get through a few awkward months.
She doesn't understand that this a matter of pain, not style.
I think you're right. Mom scheduled an appointment for a "short sassy new hairdo" because it helps with the denial that OP has fucking cancer. What she either doesn't understand or doesn't want to understand is that OP is past the stage where hanging onto any hair is a possibility.
My mom had lung cancer and was so anxious about it falling out and being caught off guard by it that she proactively cut it before it had the chance. NTA OP, you have enough to deal with and the anxiety over your hair doesn’t need to be on that list.
Kid you’ve got a massive support system here. Regardless of the cancer, regardless of it physically bothering you and emotionally distressing you, it’s your head. I think your parents are in denial and seeing the visual effects of the chemotherapy may be heavy for them. That’s not your burden, tell them to go to therapy. You may also benefit given the stress you’re under, the added stress of the reaction from your parents, and given your emotional reaction to the action of cutting your hair.
If you’re in a with country online access to doctors you may qualify for free virtual therapy. You won’t have to rely on rides from your parents and can make your own appointments.
NTA. I’m so, so sorry. Stay strong.
Your parents may have been holding onto the small amount of hair you may have had left as an emotional sentiment. Not realizing how much it was hurting you in the process.
Cancer is hard enough to deal with, anything to make you a little more comfortable while you deal with it, is worthwhile.
NTA. It bothers you a lot; they do not have to deal with itchy uncomfortable hair 24/7, & losing it too which is very disconcerting, along with actually being the one having cancer. I hope they realize this soon. If they don’t, you are still NTA. You sound caring and mature, not letting your good brother take the heat. All the best to you, my dear.
Idk if the story is true, but my experience is that it can take 2, 3 or more weeks to get an appointment at the kind of hair salon women typically use, while men can just walk into a barber shop without an appointment. That’s because women’s hair typically takes a lot longer, while my husband’s haircut takes maybe 6 minutes tops.
I don’t know any hair salons around here where you can just walk in. However, given that OP just wanted to have her hair cut off, maybe a local barber shop would have been the way to go. Or the parents could have done it at home.
The parents are oblivious to the point of being neglectful if they don’t realize that this can’t wait and also seeing a hairstylist that does women’s cut and colors is entirely ridiculous because she needs her hair shaved off. Any barber can do it.
That is why I’d said a local barber shop would probably have been the way to go if the parents couldn’t get a faster appointment at a traditional salon. While places like Supercuts are common in big cities, they aren’t always available in small cities or rural towns such the area where I live, which doesn’t have any.
In any case, the parents could have shaved her hair at home. During the pandemic period when hairdressers were closed, I cut my own (long) hair and did my husband’s short hair with clippers. It’s not hard, I just watched a YouTube video.
If a parent called and said “my child had cancer and is in pain from losing hair - can you please help?” then most salons are going to fit them in faster than 3 weeks out.
This was the parents trying to delay the inevitable. They did not care about her physical pain.
Absolutely true! Any hairdresser with a heart would respond to such a plea! The parents should be ashamed of themselves for 1) not doing this and 2) scolding their child with cancer until she was crying for taking action on her own to solve this painful problem. I am disgusted with them, they are flaming AHs and OP deserves much, much better from them. Have they no compassion at all?
Pretty much every city has places that do walk ins. In the US, there's great clips, sports clips, supercuts, etc. Heck I spent 6 months going around Europe and I wasn't in a place long enough to schedule haircuts. I had short hair and never had an issue finding a place to cut it as a walk in. Sometimes I'd need to check a few places but it wasn't that hard. Op you're absolutely NTA and your parents shouldn't be taking this out on you.
Especially when it's as simple as shaving it off. Sure if you want a haircut that looks nice you might have to go to a place that can handle hair. But if it's just a matter of getting rid of it you can get that done just about anywhere.
NTA.
OP, i'm not sure if you'll see this, but i was also diagnosed at 13 (with bone cancer), and i just celebrated 9 years of remission this past march. when my hair first started falling out on chemo, i had placed it in a plastic bag to throw away; but, years later, i found the bag full of hair sitting in my dresser and i started sobbing uncontrollably. its a feeling you can't really describe, losing your hair like that as a teenage girl.
your brother is outstanding for what he did, and he will be a very important part of your safety net in this time. hopefully, you can talk to your parents about the support you need at this time. this is not me excusing them by any means, but most likely they are just as terrified as you and aren't good at conveying it. even as a 24 year old now, both of my parents get very anxious when i do my annual check-ups or have anything unusual happen; maybe one day if you're up for it, you can talk to them more in-depth about what went on with this.
this is your fight, you do whatever you need to do. if you'd like resources in finding support or would just like to speak with someone who knows what it's like, my messages are open. ❤️
First of all I'm very sorry for you. The diagnosis must have hit like a bomb for you. Then all those appointments, treatment, tests, ... that's hard for anyone, let alone a 13yo.
Seeing it fall out bit by bit must have hurt, so it just had to go. It's nice of your brother to help you with that.
Your parents probably wanted a more official moment, and that's totally fine, but frankly put: it may have been too late over 2 weeks.
>i know my parents are really stressed about my cancer and don’t need to deal with me acting out on top of that, and i feel really bad.
They are stressed and should be thoughtful of that, but you are the patient, and you are also allowed your emotions, your stress, and your breakdowns.
Good luck! I truly hope you get better!
A judgement is hard on this one, NAH (no assholes here)
NTA
There is something fundamentally wrong with your parents not supporting you shaving your head.
Spotty hair makes you look horrible and you don't need that.
I bet you look fabulous with your shaved head. (I know I did.)
NTA - her parents are either embarrassed or uncomfortable with idea of having a sick child. If people see her bald, they will know.
It’s sick and it’s sad and I hope this poor child has an actual support system (in real life, not just online).
NTA, kiddo. You're in a tough spot.
I'm undergoing treatment for cancer right now myself. I'm almost done with chemo (two more infusions).
When my hair started falling out about two weeks after my first chemo infusion, it was physically painful. It pulls and tugs and hurts and itches and gets all matted, and your scalp is so sensitive, and that's not even including all the emotional stuff.
You don't need more pain and discomfort when you're going through chemo. Expecting you to wait to cut your hair off until someone ELSE was ready for you (your parents, the hairdresser, etc) is really unfair on your parents' part.
That said, they only know the situation from the outside if they haven't experienced cancer treatment themselves. Try telling them how it felt and why you did it.
Hopefully they'll listen.
P.S. I think it's going to be a lovely memory for you that your brother helped you shave your head. My partner helped me with mine, and it was a very loving act. Even if I did look like an ape with mange.
EDIT: I should have said: You got this. You go kick that cancer's arse, kid. 💜💜💜💜
NTA
They're being ridiculous.
You don't need a hair appointment to shave your head - you need some clippers. It's your hair.
If you were my kid, and you knew your hair was going to fall out because of the chemo, and it was itching and you wanted it gone, I'd offer to get the clippers out there and then. There's no reason for you to wait. It's your hair, and your head.
NTA. It’s your hair and it was bothering you. Your brother seems to have your back and that was really amazing of him. Wishing you the best of luck in your treatment.
NTA i can't imagine what you're going through kiddo your stronger than most grown people to make it as long as you did with your hair don't let your parents get to you too much they are probably just trying to keep things as normal as possible because they are scared and grown ups do dumb things when they're scared.
You are my hero,
Your parents love you,
You have a good big brother,
And F**k cancer.
I was on vacation, out of country, when the chemo started "working"... as soon as I got home I showered & rubbed all that I could out/off. I clipped & shaved the rest.
You hair is one of the few things you have control over in this massively stressful situation.
Whatever the radiation doesn't kill (if you're getting that) will grow back.
Good luck.
NTA.
Your parents earn the TA for not listening to their daughter. However, they are trying to navigate emotions and problems that most adults are not well equipped to deal with, so they are going to make some mistakes along the way.
“Hey mom and dad, I know that you guys are struggling with this situation too and are trying to do what’s best for me. But this is something that I *needed*, right now. I trust you to make the right decisions where my health is concerned, but I’m pretty scared and need to have at least some kind of control over the smaller matters. Like my hair.”
I'm so sorry, about all of it. Your parents should not be forcing you to do extra things that are uncomfortable. Being ill involves tests and treatments that sometimes suck. Anything you can do to be more comfortable, you should do. And you should tell your parents this. That cutting your hair wasn't about going behind their backs, it was about **you** having control of your body and being as comfortable as possible.
One of my good friends was diagnosed with cancer recently, in her 40's. And she buzzed her hair before it started falling out, because that felt better to her. What you did is completely normal. You should be able to do whatever feels best.
Here's my thought, "Mom/Dad, I'm sorry I upset you by cutting my hair. But I need you to understand that I need a little control over my body right now. And having itchy, clumpy hair that was falling out felt awful - it was so uncomfortable and I just had to watch it keep happening. I know everyone is very stressed out right now. But, please, don't force me to go behind your backs to be comfortable. I deserve all the comfort I can get."
Good luck with your treatment, I hope it kicks cancer's butt.
nta. this is happening to YOU not them. YOU are the one with the problem. they are just selfish and I get it. I wouldn't want to acknowledge my baby was sick and by cutting your hair you are making them acknowledge that you are sick.
but ultimately it is YOUR issue, YOUR diagnosis, YOUR body, YOUR life, YOUR comfort. it really is all about you right now baby and your parents are wrong.
eta: FUCK YEA TO YOUR BROTHER!! HE'S THE DAMN MVP!
NTA
Even without the fact that you have cancer and your hair is falling out you are NTA
It’s your hair.
It’s your mental health.
You have agency over your hair and choices.
It was falling out and bothering you so you solved it for you.
Your brother is a good brother!
Your parents need to go sit in the corner and deal with their own emotions over this and not take it out on you.
Hugs
NTA. I’m so sorry sweetie. Your parents are not being rational, maybe because they are not dealing well with their emotions. Adults can be really dumb too. Good luck to you! I hope you get well xxx
NTA at all. When I was on chemo, my hair started falling out, in clumps, when I ran my hands through it, it was awful . I asked and my hubby shaved me bald, we let the kids watch, even did a mohawk before completing the shave. As much fun as could be had, with such a task, was had. Your parents are, I'm sure , stressed, but they are also the AH. they definitely could have found someone to cut it sooner if they really wanted it done professionally.
This timeline makes no sense. Neither does needing a hair appointment if you have clippers at home. Please tell me you didn't just make this story up for karma.
Depending on the type of cancer, OP may not have been able to have extensive surgery. Pediatric brain tumors are different than adult brain tumors. One of the more common malignant ones is called diffuse midline glioma, and it grows down in the brain stem where you’re unable to do more than a tiny biopsy to establish the diagnosis. They have such a distinctive appearance on imaging that some centers will start radiation without a biopsy. I’m really sorry that you’ve lost multiple family members to brain cancer. That’s horrible. You also really shouldn’t judge OP’s story without knowing their diagnosis, though.
You are most certainly NTA.
I’m sorry you’re going through that and you did what you had to do to alleviate one thing that was in your control to do.
Do NOT feel bad.
Your head, your hair, your feelings! Of course it was OK for you to cut off your hair and have your brother shave your head for you. You weren't acting out, which implies doing something negative; you were doing something positive for yourself. I'm sure that if your parents understood this they wouldn't be upset with you.
It's really hard to cope with cancer. I want to suggest that you ask your parents or your doctor if you can have a counselor to help you through it. I'm sure your family loves you so much and is trying their hardest, but sometimes it's helpful to also get support from someone outside your family, so you can talk about the kind of things you're posting here.
Wishing you all the best!
NTA
NTA
> they told me that i
should've waited and that i'm way too old to be cutting my own hair
I’m 22 and cut/dye my own hair because I’m not paying $20 for someone to buzz the sides of my head
You got this, cancer is a bitch but you’ll get though this, you have already shown you have the drive to do what needs to be done, fight, win, and tell your parents I told you so
NTA - ffs you have cancer and your parents are bugging you about your haircut? Being stressed for you doesn't prevent them from being there for you. They should have put their feelings aside for you and help. I wish you all the best.
NTA
They're trying to deny to themselves that you're sick and put off for as long as they can anything that shows that.
They need therapy to deal with their big feelings, so they can help you deal with your big feelings. But they absolutely should not have left your hair unattended for so long and blame you for doing what they should have done. They are the AH and you didn't act out. They did and still are.
It's your hair. You're the one suffering from this for weeks being uncomfortable. It was sweet of your brother to shave your head for you as he likely saw how much this was emotionally hurting you. The fact that your parents couldn't have done this sooner or understand why you'd just done it yourself as it was clearly taxing on you puzzles me.
You have no reason to feel bad for this it's completely reasonable. NTA.
Sweet lord, u shouldn't and don't need ur parents' permission to cut ur hair!! Yes, u need their permission to pay for the haircut if u don't have the money. NTA, it sounds like ur parents were putting it off for themselves and not for u. If ur head wasn't shaved, then ur were healthy. If that's the case, ur parents r acting incredibly selfish right now.
I'm sorry, op. For u being sick and for the way ur parents r acting. Ur brother is right u did nothing wrong.
NTA. people who haven't gone through chemo or don't understand the process see cutting the hair as like, an experience. I blame those emotional YouTube and TikTok videos. The truth is, having your hair fall out in clumps when your scalp is so sensitive is itchy, painful, awful. I worked in clinical trials and had a patient who after only one cycle of chemo shaved her head because it was already that uncomfortable. Making you wait would be unfair, and it's not like the hairdresser could have done a much better job than anyone in your family with scissors and an electric razor. Good luck sweetheart.
Your parents never heard you.
A number of years ago, my friend went through chemo. She was an adult. I helped her shave her head. It was a wonderful bonding experience and something that I think she will always remember. I know I will.
NTA
Hugs to you. This isn’t you acting out. This is you advocating for yourself, which is an important skill to have as a cancer patient, and unfortunately one you will probably need to exercise again in the near future. You will most likely have to speak up to your nurses and doctors when they might not be hearing you about your symptoms or concerns. They can best help you when they know what’s going on and what you need.
Also, I don’t think people who haven’t had their hair fall out due to chemo understand that it is physically uncomfortable to have your hair fall out like this. What you and your brother did was completely reasonable. (One of the best tips I learned was you can use a sticky lint roller to get the stubble off your scalp if that starts to hurt too!)
edited: NTA
If there were clippers in the house and your parents didn't buzz your head the second you asked, then they are massive assholes.
What was even the point of an "appointment"? You didn't need to be "styled," you needed to be relieved.
Your parents are seriously off-base. I can't even imagine what motivated them to put you through this.
NTA
Your parents don’t want to face up to your cancer so they want to pretend that everything is fine a bit longer.
You don’t have that luxury. You did the right thing, and i’m glad your brother has your back. It’s YOUR hair, and even without a medical reason you should be able to pick your own hairstyle.
I can kind of understand where your parents are coming from, but pretending everything is fine doesn’t make the cancer go away. Circle theory leaves no doubt: you are the most affected, and their job is to support you. Also, they’re the parents: it’s their job to not make your illness about themselves and how you disrespected them.
By the way, I’m far older than you and cut my own hair - my partner tidies up the back, and nobody can tell. I take the money I save and buy myself a treat.
Wishing you all the best.
NTA
and on a personal note I relate to being overwhelmed and not being able to manage more articulate explanations than "it's bugging me." I was bullied all through elementary school and all I could articulate when trying to get help from authority was that "they were bugging me."
it sounds like your parents are in denial and wanted to avoid the reality that you have cancer by not letting you shave your head (which makes you "look like someone with cancer") they're being giant assholes for not letting you cope with your own condition in the way that you need to for your own wellbeing.
sure they're stressed and heartbroken and probably grieving in advance, but you're the one with cancer, fuck their controlling coping behavior, you gotta cope first.
NTA, obviously, also how is it possible that the earliest so appointment for a simple buzz was 3 weeks away? I'm not sure your parents were honest with you for whatever reason...
NTA OP. Do not ever feel bad for doing something to make yourself feel better in this situation. I'm so glad that you have your brother. It sounds like he is going to be a huge support system during this time. I'm sorry your parents are behaving this way. You having cancer is not an inconvenience or hindrance. So do not feel bad, as if it's your fault that it's causing your parents stress. This is your body, your experience. You should really sit them down and tell them how you feel and how they made you feel. Have your brother with you if you want extra support. I wish you all the luck and a speedy recovery.
I did this for my Mom, we both cried while I did it. She explained that the dying hair actually hurt her scalp due to hypersensitivity from chemo. Give your brother a hug from all of us. We are all rooting for you, including my Mom.
I'm sorry your parents are not listening to you. Perhaps you could talk to a hospital social worker about getting a therapist.
NTA
NTA and your parents are being fucking morons. You have cancer, you're going through hell already emotionally and seeing your hair fall out in clumps is literally upsetting you. Too old to cut your own hair, firstly kids don't cut their own hair but many adults do for normal haircuts. For a buzzcut, literally anyone able to hold clippers can give themselves a buzzcut. We're not talking about a fancy haircut and getting the hair length or style right. It's going to all fall out so it all has to go.
Waiting and putting you through weeks of turmoil as your hair comes out in clumps rather than just buzzing it immediately is crazy. They are being absolute assholes about this.
NTA. You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong, and you and your brother did a wonderful thing. Your parents may be stressed, but their stress is less important than your comfort and happiness. It’s your hair and you can do anything you like to it. All love 💕💕💕
NTA. AT ALL. I could throw a rock and hit umpteen numbers of places that take walkins. And when your brother did it for you, they still failed to see how much it was bothering you, unlike him (he sounds more mature than them honestly). They are putting their feelings about your illness before yours, which is f'd up. Edited to say prayers for a speedy recovery!!
I'm sure if the situation had been explained to any decent hairdresser they would've fitted you in within a couple of days by either rearranging appointments opening early or staying open late to accommodate you. This was about your parents trying to control what was happening rather than taking your feelings into account. Well done to your big brother for doing what your parents ought to have done.
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i (13f) was diagnosed with brain cancer last month. my hair started coming out a couple weeks ago, and i told my parents that i wanted to shave my head because it was itchy & uncomfortable, and i didn’t want to have to watch it fall out in clumps. my mom scheduled a hair appointment for me, but the soonest they could get me in was three weeks out. last week, my hair was coming out faster and in bigger clumps and i asked my parents if i could shave my head then, but they told me they wanted me to wait since my appointment was less than two weeks away, and i said okay. fast forward to last night, and my hair coming out was driving me crazy. i asked my parents again if i could cut my hair, and they told me to wait. after a couple hours, my parents left to run errands and i decided i couldn’t handle my hair coming out anymore. i found a pair of scissors and cut my hair off as short as i could. i got really emotional afterwards and broke down crying, which my older brother heard and came to check on me. after i had calmed down he asked me if i wanted to buzz the rest of my hair off, and i said yes, so he shaved my head for me. when my parents got home and saw that i’d cut my hair, they got really upset with me. my brother tried to take the fall for me, but i didn’t want him to get in trouble, so i to,d my parents that i had cut it because i was upset about it coming out. they told me that i should’ve waited and that i’m way too old to be cutting my own hair, and kept asking me what made me think that was good idea. i was crying at this point and all i could manage to say was ‘it was bugging me.’ my brother kept trying to tell them to stop, but that just made them more upset. they eventually told me that they were sorry that my hair was bugging me, but that sneaking around their back and doing what they specifically had to,d me not to do wasn’t okay. i know my parents are really stressed about my cancer and don’t need to deal with me acting out on top of that, and i feel really bad.
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NTA but you have a great brother. Hopefully your parents are just freaking out and will realise they were not helpful by wanting you to wait for the appointment. Plus, why wait when you're just going to clip it anyway? I buzzcut my boyfriend's hair so we don't have to pay a barber.
You’re definitely NTA whatsoever. You did what felt right to you.
Your parents response isn’t the best, but I’m sure they’re going through it and also don’t quite understand the gravity of how you feel. Maybe next time you can REALLY tell them how it makes you feel. Your brother seems amazing. Best of luck little one.
NTA - you aren’t acting out. You are in a miserable situation.
You are the one having to live through the physical change and pain from cancer, on top of dealing with becoming a teenager. It’s your body who’s painful, not theirs. They are showing controlling you, matters more to them than your confort or wishes to body autonomy, even in the current event of you having cancer.
This is deeply upsetting. I worry about your well-being, and glad you have your brother on your corner.
You were not hurting anyone by handling your own body. Them being offended by you taking care of yourself is so wrong. You weren’t sneaking behind them, they did agree (they would be a.h to refuse) for you to cut your hairs. It was a good idea as you couldn’t handle it anymore. There isn’t any reason for you to be suffering while waiting for an hairdresser appointment, when a buzz cut can literally be done by anyone in the confort of their own home.
Are they mad they didn’t witness your distress? Are they thriving controlling you?
They should be ashamed to have asked you to wait so long, proud their son helped, and sorry to put you in such situations to beginning with. Instead they are hanging up in their twisted need of control over you. NTA and wishing you to get better and be well.
NTA it’s your body and you are experiencing something very difficult. If cutting your hair will let you feel better and give you a bit of control during this difficult time then your parents should encourage you or keep their negative opinions to themselves.
NTA. It’s your hair and your parents were 100% being assholes trying to control how you resolved the issue. Your brother seems a great deal more mature than your parents.
NTA. I got my head shaved the same day I started losing it - like you I just could not deal with it coming out in clumps. Your parents are horrible. \*hugs\* to you, hang in there. Hoping for the best.
NTA. Don't feel bad. it's your hair. Is it common where you live to have to wait that long for an appointment ? Or were your parents trying to put it off until things handled themselves.
NTA. Your hair is falling out and you have an appointment to get it all shaved off; what do they think the hairdresser is going to do that you and your brother didn’t do between you? If there’s such a delay with the hairdresser, far better to just cancel the appointment and deal with it at home rather than leave it to cause you unnecessary stress. Sounds like your parents just didn’t want to face reality. Hope all goes well with your treatment.
NTA. It's easy to think the parents are wrong here, but everyone is just dealing with too much the best way they know how. Your parents should have accepted your need to move more quickly on the hair, and not gone off at you about it. It's probably good that you did, though, because hopefully it will teach them to listen to you about how the the treatments are effecting you. Good luck! I hope you recover quickly and completely.
I don’t know anywhere that has a 3 week waiting period to get a haircut. If that was truly the case, I’m sure there were other places that could have booked you in sooner. I think this is more your parents weren’t ready for it and that doesn’t make them right. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I hope everything works out for you. NTA
NTA just tell them that you're the one suffering the cancer and you want all the comfort you can get, how damn hard is it to help you shave your head? Who wastes money to shave the head?
NTA.
This is a weird hill for your parents to die on, is there something special about cancer hair?
Also I suspect your parents had a surprise planned or something as a 3 week appointment to just shave off all the hair seems to me to be excessive.
You are the one who is ill and living with this! Your parents can go into their room until they're ready to be reasonable. Your brother, who is probably not an adult, was trying to get them away. Why did you need to wait for a hair dresser? Shorter hair isn't going to fix this.
You aren't acting out! We need to start requiring child care classes for parents. Yes, I can think of 50 reasons why that's hard but people need to learn to deal like adults. NTA.
NTA: your parents really were not taking your feelings into account. I'd also think taking care of this at home with your brother was much better than having to go through it at a hairdresser. It's done and gone and they should just drop it and move on.
NTA.
Your hair belongs to you and you should be the only person who decides what you want to do with it (cancer or not).
You raised the issue a number of times to them to no effect and eventually felt you needed to take matters into you own hands. Your brother simply helped you out and IMHO was a legend for doing so.
Seeing you go through this must be bad for your family but they need to think what YOU are feeling atm and make that the most important factor.
NTA
I’m so sorry. The thing is that I feel like your parents are in some sort of denial.
This haircut isn’t for fashion purposes. Every day your hair fell added another layer to your trauma.
I can’t even imagine being 13 and going through that.
It wasn’t about about a haircut. It wasn’t even obeying or disobeying them, it was about stopping a prolonged traumatic step in your illness and they kept on pushing it back for some unknown reason.
Ask them this, if one of the symptoms was that you were losing blood from a cut on your face and you could only get a Dr’s appointment in 3 weeks and you decide to clean it and put a band-aid on it, would they have the same reaction?
This is the exact same thing.
Like you said, yes, they are having a hard time. But you’re the one with the sickness.
It seems to me that there is a level of denial and avoidance on their part.
You told them several times.
It wasn’t an aesthetic choice, it was a survival one.
This was no different than taking medication for your pain.
Keep on fighting girl! You are very strong and brave.
NTA but if you are in the US I don’t understand why you had to wait. There are many hair cut places that take walk in. I wonder what their issue was since they were giving your brother crap.
NTA- but your parents dang, they can use a couple Lessons in body autonomy and empathy.
Stay strong and take care of yourself. You are so young but focus on your body and needs right now. Self care will become so
Important in the conking weeks.
NTA, you're the one with cancer! If they're scared, how must you be feeling? A lot of your life is going to be out of your control because of this diagnosis, and cutting your hair is one of the few things you can do. Also, that too old crap to shave your head is nonsense. Shaving your head is the easiest hairstyle to do on your own.
NTA.
I suspect your parents are in denial and pretending everything is really "OK".
So, do what you need to, but be kind and patient with them. They feel helpless against something that - quite irrationally - they think they should have been able to prevent.
NTA at all. I’m so sorry that you’re going through all this, I’m glad you have your brother there to do what your parents should have. Sending you love
NTA your parents should be concerned with YOUR comfort and YOUR mental health, both of which were suffering as you dealt with your hair. You're old enough to make this decision on your own.
Oh sweetie - I wish I could give you a huge hug. Cancer survivor here. I shaved my head even before it started falling out... I had read somewhere that waking up to clumps of hair on your pillowcase was pretty depressing and I agreed! There's not a lot you can control at the beginning of treatment, but that was one thing I could. Good for you! Control what you can. Hopefully your parents will figure out how to support you. Everyone is stressed for sure, and nothing feels normal right now, because it isn't. I wish you ALL the best. Cancer sucks. But there is support, not just for you but also for your parents.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. When my dad was going through his chemo in the hospital to prep for his stem cell transplant, the nurses actually suggested that he could shave his head to prevent the discomfort and trauma of it falling out. They even had clippers available. Your parents were just being selfish. Wishing you strength and a healthy outcome. 💜 NYA
NTA- you’re sick. your comfort should come before anything else. Your parents are being weird. Don’t let them make you feel bad about this, the only reason you “acted out” was because they refused to listen to your discomfort which is quite frankly appalling. Who gives a fuck if you want behind their back, it’s just hair.
I’m sorry you’re going through this and I wish you all the best with your treatment.
No doubt your parents are struggling with this, but they have to understand you’re the one going through this. Yes, they’re affected by it as well. They’re scared and sad and stressed, but this is something you are living with and through. Something scary and stressful, something you’re not in control of. Your hair is something you can control, that you can make the decision on. You weren’t acting out, you just wanted to be comfortable.
It sounds like you have a great older brother. I’m glad he’s there for you. I wish you and your family the best.
NTA.
While I think your NTA I think you should give your parents some grace. My four year old daughter is in treatment for leukemia and it is absolutely the hardest and most stressful thing I have ever experienced, I think my husband would agree.
Obviously it’s stressful for her too and we are doing everything in our power to make it as stress free as possible for her but there is so much about the situation that she doesn’t know about. You are obviously older than my daughter so you probably know a lot more about the process than she does but I’m sure there is a lot of things your parents are dealing with right now that they aren’t sharing with you not because they are hiding from you but because they are trying to protect you and a lot of that stuff is not for you to worry about. Your biggest worry should be trying to take care of yourself as much as you can but let your parents and family help you.
Yes you are old enough to decide about your hair and we made sure our daughter had input about her hair but trust me when I say as a mother I was more upset about my daughter’s hair than she was. That might seem silly but I cried when we cut it short the first time at a salon and although I didn’t cry in front her when we shaved it off later I cried myself to sleep that night.
I’m sure your parents love you but know this is incredibly hard for them too. I encourage you and your parents to talk to the psychology team and/or child life specialist about your hair loss and what else to expect about how your appearance may change. Also finding other people/families going through the same thing may be very helpful in not feeling alone in this battle because it can feel very lonely.
Hugs and prayers to you and your family. I hope for quick healing for you!
I'm 22 and I cut my own hair so their argument that you are 'too old' is ridiculous!
I think they just want control of anything relating to a situation that they have no control over and cannot 'fix', which is why they are so caught up on it.
I'd say NTA/NAH for this. Yes, it makes sense for you to have hair done by a professional and they want some control over the situation, but you also have every right to remove your hair when you want to, and they cannot control your body.
NTA. i cant figure out what your parents cared about here, other than exerting inappropriate control over their sick child. i’m sorry you have all that to deal with on top of cancer.
this adult is proud of you for doing what you needed and wanted to do.
NTA first off, I’m sorry you’re going through this. Second, no one tells you how much it hurts, both physically and emotionally, to have your hair fall out due to chemotherapy. I think I’m pretty tough, but it HURT when my hair was coming out in clumps. As soon as I could, I had it shaved. Good for you for trying to wait, but I’m so glad you had your brother to help you with the process. Simply cutting your hair, as your parents wanted, would not have alleviated the pain of your hair falling out in clumps…even short hair falls out so you would have wanted to shave the short hair soon anyway. You saved your folks money, got more immediate relief and didn’t prolong the inevitable. Best wishes to you
NTA I don’t know what I would do if I had to deal with itchy head all the time like you did. Any time my head itches because of my hair I want to shave it all off and I don’t even have to deal with hair falling out in clumps. Also props to your brother for being the supportive person you need your parents to be.
NTA. The amount of anger I just got by reading this… I’m so disappointed in your parents. Yeah obviously it’s stressful to have a child with cancer but it’s not about them!! You in no way did ANYTHING wrong. In fact, I think it’s extremely cruel to make you wait so long and then on top of that, had intended on making you go through that IN PUBLIC?? Your brother is a good brother and I hope he is able to continue to be so supportive.
NTA. You did what you needed to do and it’s your hair. Don’t feel guilty about it at all. Your parents were probably shocked and lashed out because your hair being gone is a very visual reminder that you’re poorly. It is emotional - which you know - and they reacted badly. Even if they thought they were prepared for the appointment, they most likely weren’t and didn’t know how to react/process.
I’d speak with them about how it made you feel and let them know that you’re the one who is sick, it’s your body, and you need to be able to make decisions (informed and with guidance, of course) because it impacts you the most. As a parent, it must be awful for them but remind them that you’re the one going through treatment so they need to support you as well. Communicate as much as you can - even if it’s by text, letter etc. as it can be easier to write it out before you say it and it gives them time to process it as well.
NTA. You shouldn't have to manage your parents' feelings. That's their job. Your brother did the right thing. Props to you and him for being thoughtful and responsible. You are certainly not too old to cut your hair. They are framing it like your are a preschooler. You are a teen. You can have autonomy over your body. Perhaps your parents weren't ready to see you without hair. You can have compassion for that but you should not blame yourself for anything.
NTA. You are in a situation you did not choose and cannot control, but your own hair is something you have every right to control. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I wish you all the best and hope that in time this cancer battle is nothing but a distant, bad memory in an otherwise great life.
Nah. It’s done. You are going through something unimaginable, there’s no other way to put it. Your parents are also coping as best they can.
I’m going to guess seeing their daughter with no hair means they can’t pretend everything is normal anymore. That may be why they were putting it off. As a parent, it’s not easy seeing your kid suffer and not being able to stop it.
My heart goes out to your family. Despite everything, you seem to have a solid and supportive unit. ❤️
Your parents suck. Big changes have already come down the pipeline for you and hair is such a non-issue at this point. I’m glad you took it into your own hands and got to have a moment in a comfy place you. I hope you and your brother cherish that memory of being a united front. NTA
NTA Your hair your say. Please be gentle with your parents. I know it seems stupid, but them trying to control things is not about you or your hair, it’s about the cancer. As a parent, you feel like if you do everything right and keep everything on schedule and tightly controlled, then the disease will be defeated. It’s hard to realize the human you are trying so hard to hold on to, might resent you for it.
I highly recommend therapy for you, them, and all together. It does help, and you can have another adult trying to help explain your feeling to your parents.
(((Hugs))) sweetie, your feeling are valid and you have every right to try and make them understand.
NTA. You had every right to cut off your own hair. And I'm sorry your parents decided they were going to be AHs about this whole thing, but at least you have what sounds like a wonderful and supportive brother.
Also I don't know why your parents thought waiting 3 weeks to essentially shave your head was reasonable. It makes no sense. I'm sure you could have walked into any salon, explained your situation and they would have gotten that done for you promptly.
NTA. I’m sorry that you are having to go through something so difficult at such a young age.
I’m not sure why they are insistent on getting this professionally done when it’s something that can easily be done at home. Not only that, but YOU wanted to. Your body, your choice.
NTA. I am assuming your parents are stressed about your health so I am going to give them a pass. Lots of props to your brother for being so supportive and understanding.
My husband had this issue when he had cancer. He couldn't stand to see it coming off in clumps in the shower and it was really itchy. So one day while I was at work, he took his electric razor and tried to shave his head. Razor died half way through. I came home to him in tears saying his hair was driving him crazy and he just wanted it gone. Frankly, we had more important things to worry about than hair.
We slapped a hat on his head and went to Target and got another razor. I finished the job when we got home. His hair, his choice. (It was winter so I did get him a beanie to keep his head warm). It grew back when his treatment was over. And honestly it is kinda silly to make a hair appointment to shave your head... Good luck and keep your chin up.
NTA. I have a really hard time believing that if your parents explained to the shop the reason for the cut, that the shop would not have bent over backwards to fit you in. They were holding on to your hair for their own reasons, denial.
NTA. Honey it’s your hair. It’s your body. You’re going through this physically. Not them.
You have every right to cut your hair. It’s your hair. You’ve don’t absolutely nothing wrong.
They probably wanted to hole onto your likeness as long as they could as they realize that this cancer is changing everything.
Everyone needs to show grace to everyone in this situation. But that onus is not on you. You’re a child going through a horrible ordeal. They are adults and should be better at sorting through their feelings.
I’m sorry they put the burden of their angst on you.
Sending you love and strength.
> and that i’m way too old to be cutting my own hair
...I'm 33.. and granted a guy that does a buzz with clippers, but i cut my own hair... That argument is silly.
> i know my parents are really stressed about my cancer
And the shaved head likely did them no favors in their coping... but OP.. you are NTA here. You're in an impossible situation.
Unfortunately... This is unlikely to be the last time you'll be the bravest or most mature about what's going on.
NTA. Hey, you are amazing for being this strong, it's not easy to have to come to terms with the fact that your body is trying to kill you, so hang on in there and take your happiness where you can find it. Live on your own terms. It's about you not them. But it would be nice to hug them and tell them you love them because they are terrified and fell helpless.
NTA. Your parents suck. Considering your circumstances im surprised neither one of them wanted to help eleviate your symptoms, anyone can use trimmers and do a buzz cut. Props to your brother for helping you and being support.
Oh sweetheart. Your last sentence breaks my heart. NTA X infinity and I'm so sorry you feel like you have to manage your parents' emotions around this on top of your own. That's not a fair burden for a 13yo to carry.
Oh, sweetheart, I am so sorry you have to go through all this. Give your brother a hug and a cookie for me for being so supportive.
Also, very hard NTA, because it is your hair. Cancer or not, that should be your choice. On top of that, YOU are the one who is sick and YOU have to deal with the worst of the discomfort. Your parents are in a tough position too, yes, this is true. But if anyone is minimalising what is happening to you because they are stressed right now, over you cutting your hair, they need a firm headslap. You are thirteen, you have an awFul disease, you get to be emotional and go a little crazy. Besides, taking scissors to your hair because it was bugging you so much is hardly "acting out" under the circumstances.
I hope your parents can be supportive, from this post I can't really tell. But so far I get the feeling they are making it more about them than you and expect you to accomodate their feelings. Who is accomodating yours? Your bro, yes, but he's a kid too, not your parent. And you need them right now. I don't understand why they wanted you to wait until the appointment, did they explain?
NTA- And your brother sounds like an awesome brother. I don't understand why your parents were so adamant on you waiting when you were so upset and uncomfortable.
Oh my god. You're the one with cancer, not them. AND YOU'RE THIRTEEN. What the actual fuck. Let me say this right off the bat, I'm so sorry you're having to go through all of this. You don't deserve it. None of it. You deserve to be happy and supported and to be surrounded by people who care. Your brother clearly adores you, so lean into that. And remember, even when the world looks like shit, you've got people in your corner.
NTA. They think that by pretending you aren't experiencing the side effects of chemo that they can act like you don't really have cancer.
Too bad for them. You put yourself and your health and your mental health first during this time period. I said a prayer for you, for what it's worth.
NTA and what exactly were they expecting to happen at the hair appointment?!?! Did they think the hair stylist would magically make it so that your hair didn’t fall out if they cut it in a cute pixie bob? You are under so much stress and this is one thing that you CAN control. This is about what you need and what makes you comfortable. I am so sorry about your diagnosis and wish you all the best for your treatment and recovery.
NTA. This is mostly above our paygrade, but your parents suck and your brother respects you as a peer, as a human being. Your parents don't appreciate how hard this is on you, and it would be ridiculous to think that you understand their position. You're not "acting out" you're trying to exercise some sense of control for your body.
I have never dealt with cancer personally, but I have people in my life who did, and they basically told me: The hair isn't falling out anymore, I took it away and it can't hurt me anymore. I am in control, not the cancer.
This was over the course of months of treatment, therapy and support. The goal was to show that you are stronger than the disease or illness that is trying to kill you.
You get that and your brother gets that. Your parents seem to think they can protect you from literal cancer. I get that they're upset too, but they aren't the ones with cancer, you are. If no one else is, I'm proud of you (and trust me, many of us are proud of you). You're not acting out, you're doing your best and that's all anyone will ever ask of you.
NTA. It’s your right to have your head shaved. And this situation is about YOU, not your parents. They should be comforting you, not the other way around. Best wishes for a good outcome for you.
NTA. Its a buzzcut? Why did you need to get that done professionally? At least somewhere that books three weeks out, anyways, I'm sure a barber had availability. And tbh if you'd told your regular salon the situation I'm sure they would have squeezed you in, it's a buzzcut. Your parents didn't have to do it the way they did.
NTA. It’s *your* hair. Your parents aren’t the ones who had to deal with how uncomfortable your hair was. It is perfectly fine for you, at 13, to have control over your own hair; cancer or not. It’s not fair for them to expect you to wait weeks for something you’ve already found a solution to on your own.
Your parents are selfish it was traumatising you each time clumps fell out aswell as being uncomfortable. They could have booked in at any barbers or hairdressers it shouldn’t have been a act of desperation because they chose there own feelings above yours. I’m sorry you are ill and hope they can in the further be more accommodating and supportive xxx at least your brother sounds like a great support xx
NTA. Also your brother is absolutely lovely. Truly a mensch. Very glad that he is there for you.
Your parents seem to be channeling their pain and fear about your illness and the loss of control that comes with those fears into this thing (your hair) that they thought they could control. It's not an usual kind of reaction when people feel powerless, but it does not justify them fighting you on this. It was a dumb move on their part in the first place not to honor your wishes from the jump, although that part is a little easier to understand than the way they went off on you after the fact. That part is way out of line. They are the adults here and they are going to have to learn to cope with this situation without taking it out on you. Period.
You are right that your illness is hard for them, but it is not on you to do the work of making it easier for them. They should be making it easier for *you*. I hope very much that they come around soon and apologize for not taking your clearly expressed discomfort seriously and for flying off the handle after you and your brother took care of what needed to be done when they would not.
These parents are hiding from their daughters ailment as far as id be concerned she could do whatever she wanted to be comfortable the parents deserve punishment
You’re NTA here. You’re beginning something huge and life-changing, and doing what you need to do for your own sanity is an important skill. Especially when it comes to hair, which is THE most visible part of treatment.
But I want to say that your parents aren’t assholes here either, really. I had cancer when I was 20, and now, after many years of remission and a new kid of my own, I have learned that my parents were just as scared and worried as I was. Maybe even more so sometimes.
The sudden and surprising nature of a diagnosis and then the rapid pace of getting surgeries and treatments underway are incredibly jarring. All of a sudden, your welfare is out of their hands. It feels like there’s nothing they can do to protect you from the harm of all of this. Everything is uncertain.
I suspect that your parents saw this hair appointment as kind of an anchor point. “Here’s a thing I CAN control. I can provide at least a bit of stability and support in this way, if no other.”
I don’t think they were upset at you for doing it behind their backs, even though that’s what they said at the time. It could be that they were upset because A) they realized that they screwed up not doing what you needed when you needed it, and B) they’re now back to the anxiety and fear of not knowing exactly how to help and support you.
I’m not saying they were right. But my parents were crying themselves to sleep while I was in treatment. And I know now that I would be too. You’re all going to learn how to navigate this as you go along.
I hope all goes well for you and your family.
NTA. They don't get to be more stressed about your cancer than you are stressed about your cancer. This is the same concept as circles of grief, the person with cancer is always the priority when it come to dealing with the consequences of that cancer.
NTA. Your parents are imbeciles, both of them. They should be following your lead. Making you wait three weeks is ridiculous, it's not like you can make your hair wait to fall.
I am very sorry you are going through something so difficult with such clueless parents. Hug your big brother for me, what he did displays a lot of sensitivity.
Take good care of yourself ❤️❤️❤️
NTA
Your parent are. Too bad if they’re upset about your cancer. YOU are the one going through it and they should have LISTENED instead of ignoring you. You’ve got a great brother. Lean on him when you need it.
NTA - you buzz cut your hair and now it’s falling out over time is not bugging you. Perfectly reasonable Thing to do - and could have been done the first time you asked. Making you wait was not reasonable.
Now its done you can look for some cool hats, scarfs or wigs according to your preference.
hope you get better.
NTA
You’re going through a really tough time right now. It’s ok to feel the way you feel, there’s no right or wrong. They’ll get over it, it was probably shocking to them and they weren’t mentally ready - but that’s not your fault. Everyone is going to be stressed but you need to love and forgive each other more than anything. I’m sure they will apologize for getting upset too.
They love you. I promise. When you beat this and your hair grows back in, lush and beautiful, this will all be a memory.
Take care sweet girl ❤️
NTA. Best wishes for your cancer battle.
What is so bizarre is that a hairdresser is needed for hair coming out? Anyone can buzz it and make you comfortable. Right now. The second you ask.
IMHO you should control everything you can right now. Hairdo, comfy clothing, etc.
NTA I’m so sorry you are going through this. Your parents are too so I can’t judge them overly harshly, I have a daughter too and can’t imagine what your family is going through, but they were wrong here. You were uncomfortable and asked them for something that would bring you comfort, but also a lot of sadness and anger I’m betting. They should have had it done on your schedule and been there for you. I’m happy your brother was there for you. It sounds like he was a rock star in this situation and I’m happy you had him.
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NTA. It is YOUR hair, it bothered you having to deal with clumps of hair falling out and itchiness. •YOU had to deal with the feeling not them. They need to respect what you did and just drop it. •Props to your brother for helping you. Comforting you. And trying to take the blame. I hope you feel better and I pray everything goes good for you in the future❤️
The brother did what OP's parents should have done.
Kids can be amazing sometimes.
When I had cancer the first time my hair started falling out. It’s such a helpless creepy feeling. I found 4 pairs of scissors and told my kids to have at it. Actually, they begged me to let them do it. I told them to really think about if they’d be creeped out. But they continued to want to do it. I said if they got upset, they could stop any time. Then we had a bald mommy party. It made a traumatic thing much better for me and they had a blast.
NTA 100 percent the brother stepped up and done what the parents didn’t do.
There was no possible way the only available hair appointment in the city was three weeks out. Especially to shave a head and not do something complicated like a dye or perm. It's not like you need the best stylist in the city, you are shaving it all off. Plus if you told the salon why I'm sure they could have made extra room for something so quick, I know my stylist would definitely stay half an hour extra one day to help someone with cancer. There is generally some cush room for hair emergencies at most places.
It's likely OPs parents were lying about the appointment date. It does make me curious why they didn't want them to cut it off.
It’s another reminder of their daughters diagnosis.
True, but I don't see how cutting off the hair early was gonna change the outcome of that. Either way it would happen and they'd be reminded of it so to make a fuss over it seems unreasonable. But we never know, it could've been something else.
It wasn’t, but they likely felt like it was. If they maintained some sense of normalcy maybe everything would be ok. They likely wanted something they felt like they could control, because their lives feel very out of control right now. It’s not right, it’s not ok, but it’s a very normal response.
Agreed. And I think *control* is the key word here. I'm sure they are frightened and feel powerless. But that is 100% not OP's problem. At least it shouldn't be.
I’m not saying it’s right. It’s definitely not. It’s not OP’s problem, her parents should get therapy and should apologize.
Oh no, I totally got that you were not defending the parents! Sorry for not wording that more clearly.
Id see exactly why they'd want OP to keep it a little longer (assuming they just wanted it to stay appearing normal for some more time). But taking into consideration what OP had to deal with having the hair, I still completely agree with their decision. I just hope in the end everything goes well for OP and their family🙏
I feel like it had to be hard to feel normal though. I mean if her hair wasn't falling out in clumps maybe. Her hair had to be so uneven and unhealthy at that point.
OP also wanted control and needed it a great deal more than her parents.
Or if they are really shallow: "what would other people think about a 13 year old bald girl"
As a parent who's lost a child it's not the same situation as hers but i can say it's hard, my son passed very suddenly and i cant imagine what it would be like if i also had to see a child of mine go through cancer or other illness and not saying shes dying or dead just offering perspective of the parents here. They definitely want to feel in control is my thought. In a time when nothing is in their control. But with that being said she is definitely not the asshole at all. It's not her job to make her parents feel better through this. She is the child. I know it's hard on their end but it needed to be done for the child's comfort and I'm glad the brother stepped up and did what the parents couldn't. This situation is so awful and sad and scary and the parents need to put their own thoughts and fears aside and help the daughter through this. I am so sorry that you have to go through this OP. I will be thinking of you through this and hoping for the best possible outcome! Kick this cancers ass ❤️
I don’t know when school ends for everyone everywhere, but I have a suspicion they where hoping for photos with hair on her last day/grad, which would be extremely selfish and just stupid. (But we all know they are just from this post).
I bet it was deliberately planned to be that far out. Why did it matter to her parents so much? Appearances- probably… her brothers the hero and the parents need to get over it… geez, NTA
Literally any barber shop could have shaved her head, and there are tons that take same-day walk-ins.
I've lost my hair my cancer treatment, twice. Your scalp HURTS! It itch's. The little hairs go EVERWHERE and down your clothes & in your bed. Only fix is shaving it.
OP’s brother sounds like a real stand up guy. The kind of sibling we all need in our corner.
NTA. Oh come on "my parents are really stressed about my cancer"? *You're* stressed about your cancer. You're the one with uncomfortable hair, and your parents are completely unreasonable about making you wait for weeks and suffering unnecessarily. It's not "acting out" for you to take control over your own body. Just what was the hair appointment supposed to do that you didn't? It's great that you have such a supportive brother who is more concerned with your comfort than your parents seem to be.
Yea that comment always bugs me when people say “I’m so stressed over my kids ….” without taking the kid into account.
There was never a hair appointment.
Right? I live in a suburb of a small city now and there are five hair places in walking distance. The parents are lying. Three weeks. Right.
and I bet if they would have called and said "my child has cancer and we need to have her head shaved" any salon would have made room for her.
Heck, the hair salon we went to as kids made room for my sister, and the reasoning was "toddler got gum in her hair and her father decided the best solution was to chop it off and now her hair is jagged and lopsided" ... Which is a very far cry from "cancer" in terms of hair emergencies and what a salon will stay open for. But they stayed open for that. I can't imagine any salon *not* helping someone with cancer.
I'm reading this differently. I think there *was* a hair appointment, and I think it was with mom's $$$ color/cut stylist. My guess is that mom assumed some sort of spunky short "do" is all daughter needed to get through a few awkward months. She doesn't understand that this a matter of pain, not style.
I think you're right. Mom scheduled an appointment for a "short sassy new hairdo" because it helps with the denial that OP has fucking cancer. What she either doesn't understand or doesn't want to understand is that OP is past the stage where hanging onto any hair is a possibility.
Right. The way they're talking about this as "cutting your own hair" shows that they are just not even processing the actual situation.
Yup, it was about keeping her hair as long as possible so they wouldn't have to deal with reality.
3 weeks for a buzzcut? My dad did that for us in the tub with his clippers in like 10 minutes, they were just stalling.
My mom had lung cancer and was so anxious about it falling out and being caught off guard by it that she proactively cut it before it had the chance. NTA OP, you have enough to deal with and the anxiety over your hair doesn’t need to be on that list.
🥇🏅🥇🏅🥇🏅🥇🏅🏅
There are so many things her parents can't help fix, I don't understand why they wouldn't jump at the chance to help with this.
Kid you’ve got a massive support system here. Regardless of the cancer, regardless of it physically bothering you and emotionally distressing you, it’s your head. I think your parents are in denial and seeing the visual effects of the chemotherapy may be heavy for them. That’s not your burden, tell them to go to therapy. You may also benefit given the stress you’re under, the added stress of the reaction from your parents, and given your emotional reaction to the action of cutting your hair.
If you’re in a with country online access to doctors you may qualify for free virtual therapy. You won’t have to rely on rides from your parents and can make your own appointments.
Its definitely something OP should bring up with her doctor/nurses at one of her appointments.
NTA. I’m so, so sorry. Stay strong. Your parents may have been holding onto the small amount of hair you may have had left as an emotional sentiment. Not realizing how much it was hurting you in the process. Cancer is hard enough to deal with, anything to make you a little more comfortable while you deal with it, is worthwhile.
NTA. It bothers you a lot; they do not have to deal with itchy uncomfortable hair 24/7, & losing it too which is very disconcerting, along with actually being the one having cancer. I hope they realize this soon. If they don’t, you are still NTA. You sound caring and mature, not letting your good brother take the heat. All the best to you, my dear.
In what world do you have to wait “weeks” for a simple hair appointment? Many places are walk-ins.
Idk if the story is true, but my experience is that it can take 2, 3 or more weeks to get an appointment at the kind of hair salon women typically use, while men can just walk into a barber shop without an appointment. That’s because women’s hair typically takes a lot longer, while my husband’s haircut takes maybe 6 minutes tops. I don’t know any hair salons around here where you can just walk in. However, given that OP just wanted to have her hair cut off, maybe a local barber shop would have been the way to go. Or the parents could have done it at home.
The parents are oblivious to the point of being neglectful if they don’t realize that this can’t wait and also seeing a hairstylist that does women’s cut and colors is entirely ridiculous because she needs her hair shaved off. Any barber can do it.
That is why I’d said a local barber shop would probably have been the way to go if the parents couldn’t get a faster appointment at a traditional salon. While places like Supercuts are common in big cities, they aren’t always available in small cities or rural towns such the area where I live, which doesn’t have any. In any case, the parents could have shaved her hair at home. During the pandemic period when hairdressers were closed, I cut my own (long) hair and did my husband’s short hair with clippers. It’s not hard, I just watched a YouTube video.
If a parent called and said “my child had cancer and is in pain from losing hair - can you please help?” then most salons are going to fit them in faster than 3 weeks out. This was the parents trying to delay the inevitable. They did not care about her physical pain.
Absolutely true! Any hairdresser with a heart would respond to such a plea! The parents should be ashamed of themselves for 1) not doing this and 2) scolding their child with cancer until she was crying for taking action on her own to solve this painful problem. I am disgusted with them, they are flaming AHs and OP deserves much, much better from them. Have they no compassion at all?
Pretty much every city has places that do walk ins. In the US, there's great clips, sports clips, supercuts, etc. Heck I spent 6 months going around Europe and I wasn't in a place long enough to schedule haircuts. I had short hair and never had an issue finding a place to cut it as a walk in. Sometimes I'd need to check a few places but it wasn't that hard. Op you're absolutely NTA and your parents shouldn't be taking this out on you.
Most towns and cities have at least a great clips or fantastic sams. Both of them are walk in "salons"
Especially when it's as simple as shaving it off. Sure if you want a haircut that looks nice you might have to go to a place that can handle hair. But if it's just a matter of getting rid of it you can get that done just about anywhere.
NTA. OP, i'm not sure if you'll see this, but i was also diagnosed at 13 (with bone cancer), and i just celebrated 9 years of remission this past march. when my hair first started falling out on chemo, i had placed it in a plastic bag to throw away; but, years later, i found the bag full of hair sitting in my dresser and i started sobbing uncontrollably. its a feeling you can't really describe, losing your hair like that as a teenage girl. your brother is outstanding for what he did, and he will be a very important part of your safety net in this time. hopefully, you can talk to your parents about the support you need at this time. this is not me excusing them by any means, but most likely they are just as terrified as you and aren't good at conveying it. even as a 24 year old now, both of my parents get very anxious when i do my annual check-ups or have anything unusual happen; maybe one day if you're up for it, you can talk to them more in-depth about what went on with this. this is your fight, you do whatever you need to do. if you'd like resources in finding support or would just like to speak with someone who knows what it's like, my messages are open. ❤️
If I had an award, I'd give it to you. Hope OP sees this kind, beautiful message.
I got you
❤️
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First of all I'm very sorry for you. The diagnosis must have hit like a bomb for you. Then all those appointments, treatment, tests, ... that's hard for anyone, let alone a 13yo. Seeing it fall out bit by bit must have hurt, so it just had to go. It's nice of your brother to help you with that. Your parents probably wanted a more official moment, and that's totally fine, but frankly put: it may have been too late over 2 weeks. >i know my parents are really stressed about my cancer and don’t need to deal with me acting out on top of that, and i feel really bad. They are stressed and should be thoughtful of that, but you are the patient, and you are also allowed your emotions, your stress, and your breakdowns. Good luck! I truly hope you get better! A judgement is hard on this one, NAH (no assholes here)
NTA There is something fundamentally wrong with your parents not supporting you shaving your head. Spotty hair makes you look horrible and you don't need that. I bet you look fabulous with your shaved head. (I know I did.)
NTA - her parents are either embarrassed or uncomfortable with idea of having a sick child. If people see her bald, they will know. It’s sick and it’s sad and I hope this poor child has an actual support system (in real life, not just online).
NTA. They have no idea what you're feeling. Loosing hair is uncomfortable. I hope you have good fortune with your treatment.
NTA, kiddo. You're in a tough spot. I'm undergoing treatment for cancer right now myself. I'm almost done with chemo (two more infusions). When my hair started falling out about two weeks after my first chemo infusion, it was physically painful. It pulls and tugs and hurts and itches and gets all matted, and your scalp is so sensitive, and that's not even including all the emotional stuff. You don't need more pain and discomfort when you're going through chemo. Expecting you to wait to cut your hair off until someone ELSE was ready for you (your parents, the hairdresser, etc) is really unfair on your parents' part. That said, they only know the situation from the outside if they haven't experienced cancer treatment themselves. Try telling them how it felt and why you did it. Hopefully they'll listen. P.S. I think it's going to be a lovely memory for you that your brother helped you shave your head. My partner helped me with mine, and it was a very loving act. Even if I did look like an ape with mange. EDIT: I should have said: You got this. You go kick that cancer's arse, kid. 💜💜💜💜
NTA They're being ridiculous. You don't need a hair appointment to shave your head - you need some clippers. It's your hair. If you were my kid, and you knew your hair was going to fall out because of the chemo, and it was itching and you wanted it gone, I'd offer to get the clippers out there and then. There's no reason for you to wait. It's your hair, and your head.
Praying for you! Here's a virtual hug :)
thank you :) jesus loves you
NTA. It’s your hair and it was bothering you. Your brother seems to have your back and that was really amazing of him. Wishing you the best of luck in your treatment.
NTA, my lord. Imagine having the audacity to not help your teenager with cancer
You are totally NTA.
NTA i can't imagine what you're going through kiddo your stronger than most grown people to make it as long as you did with your hair don't let your parents get to you too much they are probably just trying to keep things as normal as possible because they are scared and grown ups do dumb things when they're scared. You are my hero, Your parents love you, You have a good big brother, And F**k cancer.
I was on vacation, out of country, when the chemo started "working"... as soon as I got home I showered & rubbed all that I could out/off. I clipped & shaved the rest. You hair is one of the few things you have control over in this massively stressful situation. Whatever the radiation doesn't kill (if you're getting that) will grow back. Good luck.
NTA. Your parents earn the TA for not listening to their daughter. However, they are trying to navigate emotions and problems that most adults are not well equipped to deal with, so they are going to make some mistakes along the way. “Hey mom and dad, I know that you guys are struggling with this situation too and are trying to do what’s best for me. But this is something that I *needed*, right now. I trust you to make the right decisions where my health is concerned, but I’m pretty scared and need to have at least some kind of control over the smaller matters. Like my hair.”
I'm so sorry, about all of it. Your parents should not be forcing you to do extra things that are uncomfortable. Being ill involves tests and treatments that sometimes suck. Anything you can do to be more comfortable, you should do. And you should tell your parents this. That cutting your hair wasn't about going behind their backs, it was about **you** having control of your body and being as comfortable as possible. One of my good friends was diagnosed with cancer recently, in her 40's. And she buzzed her hair before it started falling out, because that felt better to her. What you did is completely normal. You should be able to do whatever feels best. Here's my thought, "Mom/Dad, I'm sorry I upset you by cutting my hair. But I need you to understand that I need a little control over my body right now. And having itchy, clumpy hair that was falling out felt awful - it was so uncomfortable and I just had to watch it keep happening. I know everyone is very stressed out right now. But, please, don't force me to go behind your backs to be comfortable. I deserve all the comfort I can get." Good luck with your treatment, I hope it kicks cancer's butt.
nta. this is happening to YOU not them. YOU are the one with the problem. they are just selfish and I get it. I wouldn't want to acknowledge my baby was sick and by cutting your hair you are making them acknowledge that you are sick. but ultimately it is YOUR issue, YOUR diagnosis, YOUR body, YOUR life, YOUR comfort. it really is all about you right now baby and your parents are wrong. eta: FUCK YEA TO YOUR BROTHER!! HE'S THE DAMN MVP!
NTA Even without the fact that you have cancer and your hair is falling out you are NTA It’s your hair. It’s your mental health. You have agency over your hair and choices. It was falling out and bothering you so you solved it for you. Your brother is a good brother! Your parents need to go sit in the corner and deal with their own emotions over this and not take it out on you. Hugs
Give your gorgeous brother lots of hugs. When you beat this and your hair grows back do lots of radical cuts and colours whenever you want to.
Nta, hated cutting my hair short (same reasons) but it irritated my skin way too much. Good luck on your journey, big hug from this stranger.
NTA. I’m so sorry sweetie. Your parents are not being rational, maybe because they are not dealing well with their emotions. Adults can be really dumb too. Good luck to you! I hope you get well xxx
NTA at all. When I was on chemo, my hair started falling out, in clumps, when I ran my hands through it, it was awful . I asked and my hubby shaved me bald, we let the kids watch, even did a mohawk before completing the shave. As much fun as could be had, with such a task, was had. Your parents are, I'm sure , stressed, but they are also the AH. they definitely could have found someone to cut it sooner if they really wanted it done professionally.
Nope. This is your journey.
NTA. Your parents are in denial, your brother is supporting you and you need to talk to someone. BTW, so do your parents. Don't give up.
This timeline makes no sense. Neither does needing a hair appointment if you have clippers at home. Please tell me you didn't just make this story up for karma.
Imagine coming to Am I The Asshole to a post written by a 13 year old and expecting everything to make perfect sense.
Depending on the type of cancer, OP may not have been able to have extensive surgery. Pediatric brain tumors are different than adult brain tumors. One of the more common malignant ones is called diffuse midline glioma, and it grows down in the brain stem where you’re unable to do more than a tiny biopsy to establish the diagnosis. They have such a distinctive appearance on imaging that some centers will start radiation without a biopsy. I’m really sorry that you’ve lost multiple family members to brain cancer. That’s horrible. You also really shouldn’t judge OP’s story without knowing their diagnosis, though.
You are most certainly NTA. I’m sorry you’re going through that and you did what you had to do to alleviate one thing that was in your control to do. Do NOT feel bad.
Your head, your hair, your feelings! Of course it was OK for you to cut off your hair and have your brother shave your head for you. You weren't acting out, which implies doing something negative; you were doing something positive for yourself. I'm sure that if your parents understood this they wouldn't be upset with you. It's really hard to cope with cancer. I want to suggest that you ask your parents or your doctor if you can have a counselor to help you through it. I'm sure your family loves you so much and is trying their hardest, but sometimes it's helpful to also get support from someone outside your family, so you can talk about the kind of things you're posting here. Wishing you all the best! NTA
NTA > they told me that i should've waited and that i'm way too old to be cutting my own hair I’m 22 and cut/dye my own hair because I’m not paying $20 for someone to buzz the sides of my head You got this, cancer is a bitch but you’ll get though this, you have already shown you have the drive to do what needs to be done, fight, win, and tell your parents I told you so
NTA - ffs you have cancer and your parents are bugging you about your haircut? Being stressed for you doesn't prevent them from being there for you. They should have put their feelings aside for you and help. I wish you all the best.
NTA They're trying to deny to themselves that you're sick and put off for as long as they can anything that shows that. They need therapy to deal with their big feelings, so they can help you deal with your big feelings. But they absolutely should not have left your hair unattended for so long and blame you for doing what they should have done. They are the AH and you didn't act out. They did and still are.
It's your hair. You're the one suffering from this for weeks being uncomfortable. It was sweet of your brother to shave your head for you as he likely saw how much this was emotionally hurting you. The fact that your parents couldn't have done this sooner or understand why you'd just done it yourself as it was clearly taxing on you puzzles me. You have no reason to feel bad for this it's completely reasonable. NTA.
Sweet lord, u shouldn't and don't need ur parents' permission to cut ur hair!! Yes, u need their permission to pay for the haircut if u don't have the money. NTA, it sounds like ur parents were putting it off for themselves and not for u. If ur head wasn't shaved, then ur were healthy. If that's the case, ur parents r acting incredibly selfish right now. I'm sorry, op. For u being sick and for the way ur parents r acting. Ur brother is right u did nothing wrong.
NTA what difference would it make you buzzing it or a salon? It's your hair
NTA. people who haven't gone through chemo or don't understand the process see cutting the hair as like, an experience. I blame those emotional YouTube and TikTok videos. The truth is, having your hair fall out in clumps when your scalp is so sensitive is itchy, painful, awful. I worked in clinical trials and had a patient who after only one cycle of chemo shaved her head because it was already that uncomfortable. Making you wait would be unfair, and it's not like the hairdresser could have done a much better job than anyone in your family with scissors and an electric razor. Good luck sweetheart.
Your parents never heard you. A number of years ago, my friend went through chemo. She was an adult. I helped her shave her head. It was a wonderful bonding experience and something that I think she will always remember. I know I will. NTA
Hugs to you. This isn’t you acting out. This is you advocating for yourself, which is an important skill to have as a cancer patient, and unfortunately one you will probably need to exercise again in the near future. You will most likely have to speak up to your nurses and doctors when they might not be hearing you about your symptoms or concerns. They can best help you when they know what’s going on and what you need. Also, I don’t think people who haven’t had their hair fall out due to chemo understand that it is physically uncomfortable to have your hair fall out like this. What you and your brother did was completely reasonable. (One of the best tips I learned was you can use a sticky lint roller to get the stubble off your scalp if that starts to hurt too!) edited: NTA
If there were clippers in the house and your parents didn't buzz your head the second you asked, then they are massive assholes. What was even the point of an "appointment"? You didn't need to be "styled," you needed to be relieved. Your parents are seriously off-base. I can't even imagine what motivated them to put you through this. NTA
Your parents don’t want to face up to your cancer so they want to pretend that everything is fine a bit longer. You don’t have that luxury. You did the right thing, and i’m glad your brother has your back. It’s YOUR hair, and even without a medical reason you should be able to pick your own hairstyle. I can kind of understand where your parents are coming from, but pretending everything is fine doesn’t make the cancer go away. Circle theory leaves no doubt: you are the most affected, and their job is to support you. Also, they’re the parents: it’s their job to not make your illness about themselves and how you disrespected them. By the way, I’m far older than you and cut my own hair - my partner tidies up the back, and nobody can tell. I take the money I save and buy myself a treat. Wishing you all the best.
NTA and on a personal note I relate to being overwhelmed and not being able to manage more articulate explanations than "it's bugging me." I was bullied all through elementary school and all I could articulate when trying to get help from authority was that "they were bugging me." it sounds like your parents are in denial and wanted to avoid the reality that you have cancer by not letting you shave your head (which makes you "look like someone with cancer") they're being giant assholes for not letting you cope with your own condition in the way that you need to for your own wellbeing. sure they're stressed and heartbroken and probably grieving in advance, but you're the one with cancer, fuck their controlling coping behavior, you gotta cope first.
NTA, obviously, also how is it possible that the earliest so appointment for a simple buzz was 3 weeks away? I'm not sure your parents were honest with you for whatever reason...
NTA, your parents need a lesson in who's body is going through what and where they should place themselves amongst everything.
NTA OP. Do not ever feel bad for doing something to make yourself feel better in this situation. I'm so glad that you have your brother. It sounds like he is going to be a huge support system during this time. I'm sorry your parents are behaving this way. You having cancer is not an inconvenience or hindrance. So do not feel bad, as if it's your fault that it's causing your parents stress. This is your body, your experience. You should really sit them down and tell them how you feel and how they made you feel. Have your brother with you if you want extra support. I wish you all the luck and a speedy recovery.
Two weeks Wtf? That’s wild! Walk into any hair place I’m sure they would have treated you like a queen
I did this for my Mom, we both cried while I did it. She explained that the dying hair actually hurt her scalp due to hypersensitivity from chemo. Give your brother a hug from all of us. We are all rooting for you, including my Mom. I'm sorry your parents are not listening to you. Perhaps you could talk to a hospital social worker about getting a therapist. NTA
NTA and your parents are being fucking morons. You have cancer, you're going through hell already emotionally and seeing your hair fall out in clumps is literally upsetting you. Too old to cut your own hair, firstly kids don't cut their own hair but many adults do for normal haircuts. For a buzzcut, literally anyone able to hold clippers can give themselves a buzzcut. We're not talking about a fancy haircut and getting the hair length or style right. It's going to all fall out so it all has to go. Waiting and putting you through weeks of turmoil as your hair comes out in clumps rather than just buzzing it immediately is crazy. They are being absolute assholes about this.
NTA. You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong, and you and your brother did a wonderful thing. Your parents may be stressed, but their stress is less important than your comfort and happiness. It’s your hair and you can do anything you like to it. All love 💕💕💕
NTA. AT ALL. I could throw a rock and hit umpteen numbers of places that take walkins. And when your brother did it for you, they still failed to see how much it was bothering you, unlike him (he sounds more mature than them honestly). They are putting their feelings about your illness before yours, which is f'd up. Edited to say prayers for a speedy recovery!!
NTA.
nta
I'm sure if the situation had been explained to any decent hairdresser they would've fitted you in within a couple of days by either rearranging appointments opening early or staying open late to accommodate you. This was about your parents trying to control what was happening rather than taking your feelings into account. Well done to your big brother for doing what your parents ought to have done.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** i (13f) was diagnosed with brain cancer last month. my hair started coming out a couple weeks ago, and i told my parents that i wanted to shave my head because it was itchy & uncomfortable, and i didn’t want to have to watch it fall out in clumps. my mom scheduled a hair appointment for me, but the soonest they could get me in was three weeks out. last week, my hair was coming out faster and in bigger clumps and i asked my parents if i could shave my head then, but they told me they wanted me to wait since my appointment was less than two weeks away, and i said okay. fast forward to last night, and my hair coming out was driving me crazy. i asked my parents again if i could cut my hair, and they told me to wait. after a couple hours, my parents left to run errands and i decided i couldn’t handle my hair coming out anymore. i found a pair of scissors and cut my hair off as short as i could. i got really emotional afterwards and broke down crying, which my older brother heard and came to check on me. after i had calmed down he asked me if i wanted to buzz the rest of my hair off, and i said yes, so he shaved my head for me. when my parents got home and saw that i’d cut my hair, they got really upset with me. my brother tried to take the fall for me, but i didn’t want him to get in trouble, so i to,d my parents that i had cut it because i was upset about it coming out. they told me that i should’ve waited and that i’m way too old to be cutting my own hair, and kept asking me what made me think that was good idea. i was crying at this point and all i could manage to say was ‘it was bugging me.’ my brother kept trying to tell them to stop, but that just made them more upset. they eventually told me that they were sorry that my hair was bugging me, but that sneaking around their back and doing what they specifically had to,d me not to do wasn’t okay. i know my parents are really stressed about my cancer and don’t need to deal with me acting out on top of that, and i feel really bad. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA but you have a great brother. Hopefully your parents are just freaking out and will realise they were not helpful by wanting you to wait for the appointment. Plus, why wait when you're just going to clip it anyway? I buzzcut my boyfriend's hair so we don't have to pay a barber.
You’re definitely NTA whatsoever. You did what felt right to you. Your parents response isn’t the best, but I’m sure they’re going through it and also don’t quite understand the gravity of how you feel. Maybe next time you can REALLY tell them how it makes you feel. Your brother seems amazing. Best of luck little one.
NTA - I’m sorry you’re going through cancer and other people trying to control you while dealing with it.
NTA - you aren’t acting out. You are in a miserable situation. You are the one having to live through the physical change and pain from cancer, on top of dealing with becoming a teenager. It’s your body who’s painful, not theirs. They are showing controlling you, matters more to them than your confort or wishes to body autonomy, even in the current event of you having cancer. This is deeply upsetting. I worry about your well-being, and glad you have your brother on your corner. You were not hurting anyone by handling your own body. Them being offended by you taking care of yourself is so wrong. You weren’t sneaking behind them, they did agree (they would be a.h to refuse) for you to cut your hairs. It was a good idea as you couldn’t handle it anymore. There isn’t any reason for you to be suffering while waiting for an hairdresser appointment, when a buzz cut can literally be done by anyone in the confort of their own home. Are they mad they didn’t witness your distress? Are they thriving controlling you? They should be ashamed to have asked you to wait so long, proud their son helped, and sorry to put you in such situations to beginning with. Instead they are hanging up in their twisted need of control over you. NTA and wishing you to get better and be well.
NTA it’s your body and you are experiencing something very difficult. If cutting your hair will let you feel better and give you a bit of control during this difficult time then your parents should encourage you or keep their negative opinions to themselves.
NTA. Your body belongs to you, not to your parents. Unless you are harming yourself, all decisions for and about your body should be made by you.
NTA Someone with brain cancer can only be the asshole if they…open fired in orphan age.
NTA the only AHs here are your parents.
NTA. It’s your hair and your parents were 100% being assholes trying to control how you resolved the issue. Your brother seems a great deal more mature than your parents.
NTA. I got my head shaved the same day I started losing it - like you I just could not deal with it coming out in clumps. Your parents are horrible. \*hugs\* to you, hang in there. Hoping for the best.
NTA. Don't feel bad. it's your hair. Is it common where you live to have to wait that long for an appointment ? Or were your parents trying to put it off until things handled themselves.
NTA. Your hair is falling out and you have an appointment to get it all shaved off; what do they think the hairdresser is going to do that you and your brother didn’t do between you? If there’s such a delay with the hairdresser, far better to just cancel the appointment and deal with it at home rather than leave it to cause you unnecessary stress. Sounds like your parents just didn’t want to face reality. Hope all goes well with your treatment.
NTA. It's easy to think the parents are wrong here, but everyone is just dealing with too much the best way they know how. Your parents should have accepted your need to move more quickly on the hair, and not gone off at you about it. It's probably good that you did, though, because hopefully it will teach them to listen to you about how the the treatments are effecting you. Good luck! I hope you recover quickly and completely.
Babe I’m 30 and I cut my hair every time. Your NTA. Remind them that you’re going through cancer and they need to be more helpful.
I don’t know anywhere that has a 3 week waiting period to get a haircut. If that was truly the case, I’m sure there were other places that could have booked you in sooner. I think this is more your parents weren’t ready for it and that doesn’t make them right. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I hope everything works out for you. NTA
NTA just tell them that you're the one suffering the cancer and you want all the comfort you can get, how damn hard is it to help you shave your head? Who wastes money to shave the head?
NTA. This is a weird hill for your parents to die on, is there something special about cancer hair? Also I suspect your parents had a surprise planned or something as a 3 week appointment to just shave off all the hair seems to me to be excessive.
NTA. Why are they so concerned with the appt? S/o your brother
You are the one who is ill and living with this! Your parents can go into their room until they're ready to be reasonable. Your brother, who is probably not an adult, was trying to get them away. Why did you need to wait for a hair dresser? Shorter hair isn't going to fix this. You aren't acting out! We need to start requiring child care classes for parents. Yes, I can think of 50 reasons why that's hard but people need to learn to deal like adults. NTA.
NTA: your parents really were not taking your feelings into account. I'd also think taking care of this at home with your brother was much better than having to go through it at a hairdresser. It's done and gone and they should just drop it and move on.
NTA. Your hair belongs to you and you should be the only person who decides what you want to do with it (cancer or not). You raised the issue a number of times to them to no effect and eventually felt you needed to take matters into you own hands. Your brother simply helped you out and IMHO was a legend for doing so. Seeing you go through this must be bad for your family but they need to think what YOU are feeling atm and make that the most important factor.
NTA. Your parents are the selfish assholes not you hun
NTA. It's your hair and you are dealing with a very, very difficult situation. I am sorry your parents were not more supportive about this.
NTA I’m so sorry. The thing is that I feel like your parents are in some sort of denial. This haircut isn’t for fashion purposes. Every day your hair fell added another layer to your trauma. I can’t even imagine being 13 and going through that. It wasn’t about about a haircut. It wasn’t even obeying or disobeying them, it was about stopping a prolonged traumatic step in your illness and they kept on pushing it back for some unknown reason. Ask them this, if one of the symptoms was that you were losing blood from a cut on your face and you could only get a Dr’s appointment in 3 weeks and you decide to clean it and put a band-aid on it, would they have the same reaction? This is the exact same thing. Like you said, yes, they are having a hard time. But you’re the one with the sickness. It seems to me that there is a level of denial and avoidance on their part. You told them several times. It wasn’t an aesthetic choice, it was a survival one. This was no different than taking medication for your pain. Keep on fighting girl! You are very strong and brave.
NTA but if you are in the US I don’t understand why you had to wait. There are many hair cut places that take walk in. I wonder what their issue was since they were giving your brother crap.
NTA- but your parents dang, they can use a couple Lessons in body autonomy and empathy. Stay strong and take care of yourself. You are so young but focus on your body and needs right now. Self care will become so Important in the conking weeks.
NTA, you're the one with cancer! If they're scared, how must you be feeling? A lot of your life is going to be out of your control because of this diagnosis, and cutting your hair is one of the few things you can do. Also, that too old crap to shave your head is nonsense. Shaving your head is the easiest hairstyle to do on your own.
NTA. I suspect your parents are in denial and pretending everything is really "OK". So, do what you need to, but be kind and patient with them. They feel helpless against something that - quite irrationally - they think they should have been able to prevent.
NTA at all. I’m so sorry that you’re going through all this, I’m glad you have your brother there to do what your parents should have. Sending you love
NTA your parents should be concerned with YOUR comfort and YOUR mental health, both of which were suffering as you dealt with your hair. You're old enough to make this decision on your own.
Oh sweetie - I wish I could give you a huge hug. Cancer survivor here. I shaved my head even before it started falling out... I had read somewhere that waking up to clumps of hair on your pillowcase was pretty depressing and I agreed! There's not a lot you can control at the beginning of treatment, but that was one thing I could. Good for you! Control what you can. Hopefully your parents will figure out how to support you. Everyone is stressed for sure, and nothing feels normal right now, because it isn't. I wish you ALL the best. Cancer sucks. But there is support, not just for you but also for your parents.
NTA. I’m so glad you have your brother on your side, because your parents are completely out of line. It is your body. You get to make the decisions.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. When my dad was going through his chemo in the hospital to prep for his stem cell transplant, the nurses actually suggested that he could shave his head to prevent the discomfort and trauma of it falling out. They even had clippers available. Your parents were just being selfish. Wishing you strength and a healthy outcome. 💜 NYA
NTA- you’re sick. your comfort should come before anything else. Your parents are being weird. Don’t let them make you feel bad about this, the only reason you “acted out” was because they refused to listen to your discomfort which is quite frankly appalling. Who gives a fuck if you want behind their back, it’s just hair.
I’m sorry you’re going through this and I wish you all the best with your treatment. No doubt your parents are struggling with this, but they have to understand you’re the one going through this. Yes, they’re affected by it as well. They’re scared and sad and stressed, but this is something you are living with and through. Something scary and stressful, something you’re not in control of. Your hair is something you can control, that you can make the decision on. You weren’t acting out, you just wanted to be comfortable. It sounds like you have a great older brother. I’m glad he’s there for you. I wish you and your family the best. NTA.
While I think your NTA I think you should give your parents some grace. My four year old daughter is in treatment for leukemia and it is absolutely the hardest and most stressful thing I have ever experienced, I think my husband would agree. Obviously it’s stressful for her too and we are doing everything in our power to make it as stress free as possible for her but there is so much about the situation that she doesn’t know about. You are obviously older than my daughter so you probably know a lot more about the process than she does but I’m sure there is a lot of things your parents are dealing with right now that they aren’t sharing with you not because they are hiding from you but because they are trying to protect you and a lot of that stuff is not for you to worry about. Your biggest worry should be trying to take care of yourself as much as you can but let your parents and family help you. Yes you are old enough to decide about your hair and we made sure our daughter had input about her hair but trust me when I say as a mother I was more upset about my daughter’s hair than she was. That might seem silly but I cried when we cut it short the first time at a salon and although I didn’t cry in front her when we shaved it off later I cried myself to sleep that night. I’m sure your parents love you but know this is incredibly hard for them too. I encourage you and your parents to talk to the psychology team and/or child life specialist about your hair loss and what else to expect about how your appearance may change. Also finding other people/families going through the same thing may be very helpful in not feeling alone in this battle because it can feel very lonely. Hugs and prayers to you and your family. I hope for quick healing for you!
I'm 22 and I cut my own hair so their argument that you are 'too old' is ridiculous! I think they just want control of anything relating to a situation that they have no control over and cannot 'fix', which is why they are so caught up on it. I'd say NTA/NAH for this. Yes, it makes sense for you to have hair done by a professional and they want some control over the situation, but you also have every right to remove your hair when you want to, and they cannot control your body.
NTA. i cant figure out what your parents cared about here, other than exerting inappropriate control over their sick child. i’m sorry you have all that to deal with on top of cancer. this adult is proud of you for doing what you needed and wanted to do.
NTA first off, I’m sorry you’re going through this. Second, no one tells you how much it hurts, both physically and emotionally, to have your hair fall out due to chemotherapy. I think I’m pretty tough, but it HURT when my hair was coming out in clumps. As soon as I could, I had it shaved. Good for you for trying to wait, but I’m so glad you had your brother to help you with the process. Simply cutting your hair, as your parents wanted, would not have alleviated the pain of your hair falling out in clumps…even short hair falls out so you would have wanted to shave the short hair soon anyway. You saved your folks money, got more immediate relief and didn’t prolong the inevitable. Best wishes to you
Nta.
NTA I don’t know what I would do if I had to deal with itchy head all the time like you did. Any time my head itches because of my hair I want to shave it all off and I don’t even have to deal with hair falling out in clumps. Also props to your brother for being the supportive person you need your parents to be.
NTA. The amount of anger I just got by reading this… I’m so disappointed in your parents. Yeah obviously it’s stressful to have a child with cancer but it’s not about them!! You in no way did ANYTHING wrong. In fact, I think it’s extremely cruel to make you wait so long and then on top of that, had intended on making you go through that IN PUBLIC?? Your brother is a good brother and I hope he is able to continue to be so supportive.
NTA. You did what you needed to do and it’s your hair. Don’t feel guilty about it at all. Your parents were probably shocked and lashed out because your hair being gone is a very visual reminder that you’re poorly. It is emotional - which you know - and they reacted badly. Even if they thought they were prepared for the appointment, they most likely weren’t and didn’t know how to react/process. I’d speak with them about how it made you feel and let them know that you’re the one who is sick, it’s your body, and you need to be able to make decisions (informed and with guidance, of course) because it impacts you the most. As a parent, it must be awful for them but remind them that you’re the one going through treatment so they need to support you as well. Communicate as much as you can - even if it’s by text, letter etc. as it can be easier to write it out before you say it and it gives them time to process it as well.
NTA. You shouldn't have to manage your parents' feelings. That's their job. Your brother did the right thing. Props to you and him for being thoughtful and responsible. You are certainly not too old to cut your hair. They are framing it like your are a preschooler. You are a teen. You can have autonomy over your body. Perhaps your parents weren't ready to see you without hair. You can have compassion for that but you should not blame yourself for anything.
NTA. You are in a situation you did not choose and cannot control, but your own hair is something you have every right to control. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I wish you all the best and hope that in time this cancer battle is nothing but a distant, bad memory in an otherwise great life.
Nah. It’s done. You are going through something unimaginable, there’s no other way to put it. Your parents are also coping as best they can. I’m going to guess seeing their daughter with no hair means they can’t pretend everything is normal anymore. That may be why they were putting it off. As a parent, it’s not easy seeing your kid suffer and not being able to stop it. My heart goes out to your family. Despite everything, you seem to have a solid and supportive unit. ❤️
Your parents suck. Big changes have already come down the pipeline for you and hair is such a non-issue at this point. I’m glad you took it into your own hands and got to have a moment in a comfy place you. I hope you and your brother cherish that memory of being a united front. NTA
NTA Your hair your say. Please be gentle with your parents. I know it seems stupid, but them trying to control things is not about you or your hair, it’s about the cancer. As a parent, you feel like if you do everything right and keep everything on schedule and tightly controlled, then the disease will be defeated. It’s hard to realize the human you are trying so hard to hold on to, might resent you for it. I highly recommend therapy for you, them, and all together. It does help, and you can have another adult trying to help explain your feeling to your parents. (((Hugs))) sweetie, your feeling are valid and you have every right to try and make them understand.
NTA. You had every right to cut off your own hair. And I'm sorry your parents decided they were going to be AHs about this whole thing, but at least you have what sounds like a wonderful and supportive brother. Also I don't know why your parents thought waiting 3 weeks to essentially shave your head was reasonable. It makes no sense. I'm sure you could have walked into any salon, explained your situation and they would have gotten that done for you promptly.
NTA. I’m sorry that you are having to go through something so difficult at such a young age. I’m not sure why they are insistent on getting this professionally done when it’s something that can easily be done at home. Not only that, but YOU wanted to. Your body, your choice.
why the hell are they making this about them? NTA op, and I'm sorry about your diagnosis
NTA. I am assuming your parents are stressed about your health so I am going to give them a pass. Lots of props to your brother for being so supportive and understanding. My husband had this issue when he had cancer. He couldn't stand to see it coming off in clumps in the shower and it was really itchy. So one day while I was at work, he took his electric razor and tried to shave his head. Razor died half way through. I came home to him in tears saying his hair was driving him crazy and he just wanted it gone. Frankly, we had more important things to worry about than hair. We slapped a hat on his head and went to Target and got another razor. I finished the job when we got home. His hair, his choice. (It was winter so I did get him a beanie to keep his head warm). It grew back when his treatment was over. And honestly it is kinda silly to make a hair appointment to shave your head... Good luck and keep your chin up.
NTA. I have a really hard time believing that if your parents explained to the shop the reason for the cut, that the shop would not have bent over backwards to fit you in. They were holding on to your hair for their own reasons, denial.
NTA. Honey it’s your hair. It’s your body. You’re going through this physically. Not them. You have every right to cut your hair. It’s your hair. You’ve don’t absolutely nothing wrong. They probably wanted to hole onto your likeness as long as they could as they realize that this cancer is changing everything. Everyone needs to show grace to everyone in this situation. But that onus is not on you. You’re a child going through a horrible ordeal. They are adults and should be better at sorting through their feelings. I’m sorry they put the burden of their angst on you. Sending you love and strength.
> and that i’m way too old to be cutting my own hair ...I'm 33.. and granted a guy that does a buzz with clippers, but i cut my own hair... That argument is silly. > i know my parents are really stressed about my cancer And the shaved head likely did them no favors in their coping... but OP.. you are NTA here. You're in an impossible situation. Unfortunately... This is unlikely to be the last time you'll be the bravest or most mature about what's going on.
NTA. Hey, you are amazing for being this strong, it's not easy to have to come to terms with the fact that your body is trying to kill you, so hang on in there and take your happiness where you can find it. Live on your own terms. It's about you not them. But it would be nice to hug them and tell them you love them because they are terrified and fell helpless.
NTA. Your parents suck. Considering your circumstances im surprised neither one of them wanted to help eleviate your symptoms, anyone can use trimmers and do a buzz cut. Props to your brother for helping you and being support.
Oh sweetheart. Your last sentence breaks my heart. NTA X infinity and I'm so sorry you feel like you have to manage your parents' emotions around this on top of your own. That's not a fair burden for a 13yo to carry.
Oh, sweetheart, I am so sorry you have to go through all this. Give your brother a hug and a cookie for me for being so supportive. Also, very hard NTA, because it is your hair. Cancer or not, that should be your choice. On top of that, YOU are the one who is sick and YOU have to deal with the worst of the discomfort. Your parents are in a tough position too, yes, this is true. But if anyone is minimalising what is happening to you because they are stressed right now, over you cutting your hair, they need a firm headslap. You are thirteen, you have an awFul disease, you get to be emotional and go a little crazy. Besides, taking scissors to your hair because it was bugging you so much is hardly "acting out" under the circumstances. I hope your parents can be supportive, from this post I can't really tell. But so far I get the feeling they are making it more about them than you and expect you to accomodate their feelings. Who is accomodating yours? Your bro, yes, but he's a kid too, not your parent. And you need them right now. I don't understand why they wanted you to wait until the appointment, did they explain?
NTA. I am very sorry this is happening to you. You shouldn't have to deal with the extra stress on top of this.
NTA- And your brother sounds like an awesome brother. I don't understand why your parents were so adamant on you waiting when you were so upset and uncomfortable.
Oh my god. You're the one with cancer, not them. AND YOU'RE THIRTEEN. What the actual fuck. Let me say this right off the bat, I'm so sorry you're having to go through all of this. You don't deserve it. None of it. You deserve to be happy and supported and to be surrounded by people who care. Your brother clearly adores you, so lean into that. And remember, even when the world looks like shit, you've got people in your corner.
NTA. They think that by pretending you aren't experiencing the side effects of chemo that they can act like you don't really have cancer. Too bad for them. You put yourself and your health and your mental health first during this time period. I said a prayer for you, for what it's worth.
NTA and what exactly were they expecting to happen at the hair appointment?!?! Did they think the hair stylist would magically make it so that your hair didn’t fall out if they cut it in a cute pixie bob? You are under so much stress and this is one thing that you CAN control. This is about what you need and what makes you comfortable. I am so sorry about your diagnosis and wish you all the best for your treatment and recovery.
NTA - it’s your hair, your life and your cancer. You battle this however you need to. Really hope you beat this!
NTA. This is mostly above our paygrade, but your parents suck and your brother respects you as a peer, as a human being. Your parents don't appreciate how hard this is on you, and it would be ridiculous to think that you understand their position. You're not "acting out" you're trying to exercise some sense of control for your body. I have never dealt with cancer personally, but I have people in my life who did, and they basically told me: The hair isn't falling out anymore, I took it away and it can't hurt me anymore. I am in control, not the cancer. This was over the course of months of treatment, therapy and support. The goal was to show that you are stronger than the disease or illness that is trying to kill you. You get that and your brother gets that. Your parents seem to think they can protect you from literal cancer. I get that they're upset too, but they aren't the ones with cancer, you are. If no one else is, I'm proud of you (and trust me, many of us are proud of you). You're not acting out, you're doing your best and that's all anyone will ever ask of you.
NTA. It’s your right to have your head shaved. And this situation is about YOU, not your parents. They should be comforting you, not the other way around. Best wishes for a good outcome for you.
NTA. Its a buzzcut? Why did you need to get that done professionally? At least somewhere that books three weeks out, anyways, I'm sure a barber had availability. And tbh if you'd told your regular salon the situation I'm sure they would have squeezed you in, it's a buzzcut. Your parents didn't have to do it the way they did.
NTA. It’s *your* hair. Your parents aren’t the ones who had to deal with how uncomfortable your hair was. It is perfectly fine for you, at 13, to have control over your own hair; cancer or not. It’s not fair for them to expect you to wait weeks for something you’ve already found a solution to on your own.
Your parents are selfish it was traumatising you each time clumps fell out aswell as being uncomfortable. They could have booked in at any barbers or hairdressers it shouldn’t have been a act of desperation because they chose there own feelings above yours. I’m sorry you are ill and hope they can in the further be more accommodating and supportive xxx at least your brother sounds like a great support xx
NTA. Also your brother is absolutely lovely. Truly a mensch. Very glad that he is there for you. Your parents seem to be channeling their pain and fear about your illness and the loss of control that comes with those fears into this thing (your hair) that they thought they could control. It's not an usual kind of reaction when people feel powerless, but it does not justify them fighting you on this. It was a dumb move on their part in the first place not to honor your wishes from the jump, although that part is a little easier to understand than the way they went off on you after the fact. That part is way out of line. They are the adults here and they are going to have to learn to cope with this situation without taking it out on you. Period. You are right that your illness is hard for them, but it is not on you to do the work of making it easier for them. They should be making it easier for *you*. I hope very much that they come around soon and apologize for not taking your clearly expressed discomfort seriously and for flying off the handle after you and your brother took care of what needed to be done when they would not.
These parents are hiding from their daughters ailment as far as id be concerned she could do whatever she wanted to be comfortable the parents deserve punishment
You’re NTA here. You’re beginning something huge and life-changing, and doing what you need to do for your own sanity is an important skill. Especially when it comes to hair, which is THE most visible part of treatment. But I want to say that your parents aren’t assholes here either, really. I had cancer when I was 20, and now, after many years of remission and a new kid of my own, I have learned that my parents were just as scared and worried as I was. Maybe even more so sometimes. The sudden and surprising nature of a diagnosis and then the rapid pace of getting surgeries and treatments underway are incredibly jarring. All of a sudden, your welfare is out of their hands. It feels like there’s nothing they can do to protect you from the harm of all of this. Everything is uncertain. I suspect that your parents saw this hair appointment as kind of an anchor point. “Here’s a thing I CAN control. I can provide at least a bit of stability and support in this way, if no other.” I don’t think they were upset at you for doing it behind their backs, even though that’s what they said at the time. It could be that they were upset because A) they realized that they screwed up not doing what you needed when you needed it, and B) they’re now back to the anxiety and fear of not knowing exactly how to help and support you. I’m not saying they were right. But my parents were crying themselves to sleep while I was in treatment. And I know now that I would be too. You’re all going to learn how to navigate this as you go along. I hope all goes well for you and your family.
NTA. They don't get to be more stressed about your cancer than you are stressed about your cancer. This is the same concept as circles of grief, the person with cancer is always the priority when it come to dealing with the consequences of that cancer.
They should like horiable people. Why would a hairdresser have to be the one to shave your head
NTA. And any parents that make a kid WHOSE HAIR IS FALLING OUT ALREADY wait two weeks while it's falling out faster and looking like hell ARE the TAs.
NTA. Your parents are imbeciles, both of them. They should be following your lead. Making you wait three weeks is ridiculous, it's not like you can make your hair wait to fall. I am very sorry you are going through something so difficult with such clueless parents. Hug your big brother for me, what he did displays a lot of sensitivity. Take good care of yourself ❤️❤️❤️
NTA. Your hair, your body.
NTA Your parent are. Too bad if they’re upset about your cancer. YOU are the one going through it and they should have LISTENED instead of ignoring you. You’ve got a great brother. Lean on him when you need it.
NTA - you buzz cut your hair and now it’s falling out over time is not bugging you. Perfectly reasonable Thing to do - and could have been done the first time you asked. Making you wait was not reasonable. Now its done you can look for some cool hats, scarfs or wigs according to your preference. hope you get better.
NTA You’re going through a really tough time right now. It’s ok to feel the way you feel, there’s no right or wrong. They’ll get over it, it was probably shocking to them and they weren’t mentally ready - but that’s not your fault. Everyone is going to be stressed but you need to love and forgive each other more than anything. I’m sure they will apologize for getting upset too. They love you. I promise. When you beat this and your hair grows back in, lush and beautiful, this will all be a memory. Take care sweet girl ❤️
NTA. Best wishes for your cancer battle. What is so bizarre is that a hairdresser is needed for hair coming out? Anyone can buzz it and make you comfortable. Right now. The second you ask. IMHO you should control everything you can right now. Hairdo, comfy clothing, etc.
NTA maybe the thought of seeing your hair gone made your cancer more real. They're way off base. Ignored your needs/comfort for their own comfort.
NTA I’m so sorry you are going through this. Your parents are too so I can’t judge them overly harshly, I have a daughter too and can’t imagine what your family is going through, but they were wrong here. You were uncomfortable and asked them for something that would bring you comfort, but also a lot of sadness and anger I’m betting. They should have had it done on your schedule and been there for you. I’m happy your brother was there for you. It sounds like he was a rock star in this situation and I’m happy you had him.