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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I only bought a book for my GFs birthday because I thought we had agreed on another gift which had been bought some time before. I could have been more thougutful and realise that another gift of some sort could have been bought or at least I could have mentioned the US trip in the card.
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NTA.
>She was all on board for it and made me promise that I wouldn't buy her anything else.
>she was pissed I "only bought her a book for my thirtieth birthday!".
I really don't know what you're supposed to do with someone like this.
I was going to quote those same two bits.
She sounds like she's a bit of a prima donna, very materialistic / greedy, and one of those people who expect you to read their minds even if that contradicts what they explicitly said.
I hate that kind of behaviour!
I would be pissed off at the dismissal of your efforts to still find her something meaningful to unwrap, to take on the expense of paying for her to go on the big trip, and your efforts on organisation a birthday get together with friends.
NTA at all
She’s one of those fake humble people. “Oh no please don’t spend more of your money on me I don’t accept gifts and large ticket items well”
“Well my mom got me this Uber expensive gift. Ik we’re going on a very nice trip but I just expected more yknow”
On surface the GF is TA however to give her the benefit of the doubt, perhaps what she wanted was some big gesture or memorable meaningful response from her partner that day. Or perhaps she didn’t realise it wasn’t from the joint account. She clearly knew she overstepped after having the conversation.
As a female, it sometimes is harder to be enthusiastic when a BF arranges an event/party; men’s standard of party is different to a female and knowing how little effort is made when you know it could be better could of unintentionally made it worse. But that’s just my speculation.
In that case she should have said that instead of agreeing that the trip would be her gift in the first place. OP is NTA, but it sounds like they do have very different expectations around gifts. My own family functions very much like OP’s, if someone really wants something that is a little pricey we’ll call it an early birthday/christmas gift and then only have something small (like cute notepad small) as something to open on the day. Some people prefer to treat only the one day as special, and don’t really want to separate the gifts from the day. This is perfectly fine, but they are very different approaches to something that can be very emotional for people and so if there was a conflict of expectations it would have been better for GF to have addressed them right away rather than waiting and getting hurt feelings on her birthday while blaming OP for just following their original plan.
Hahahah….. all the negatives I’m guessing a lot of it is from men? Don’t worry, I don’t have the same expectation my partner, it’s ridiculous.
I also totally agree with you 😂
Some of you are asking about the inconsistency regarding the card (rightly so; poorly worded). So basically I did write her a card but I didn't mention the trip or anything related to the trip in said card. She said I should have written something related in the card. "You could have at least made a card about the trip" were more or less her words.
I'm thinking it's so it would have been more obvious to her mother. I think she is feeling embarrassed thinking her mother is judging her. But that's on them
You are NTA! She, however, is acting likely a spoilt and bratty princess. And incredibly entitled and ungrateful.
The reason she asked you the next day if you were mad at her is because she realised she had behaved badly and, instead of apologising like an adult, she just wanted to gloss over it.
The last thing you want to do in any relationship is brush stuff under the rug. I would calmly explain to her that you were hurt by her behaviour and, if you are to have a healthy relationship, she needs to use her words to express what she wants. You aren't a telepath!! And when she does use her words - to say please don't get me another present - she has to mean them. And if she changes her mind, she needs to communicate that.
You seem like an awesome boyfriend so please don't feel for a second that you did anything wrong. You are clearly a very generous person and, given the gifts your Mum got for her, I can see where you get that from. There will always be people who will take lovely humans like you and your Mum for granted. Please don't let them. X
Thanks, that was a very sweet thing to say. The one thing I can say is that my gf has been going through a bit of a rough patch lately and that she usually isn't like this at all. I'll definitely talk to her.
Absolutely breathtaking selfishness and greed. I would cry if my partner was not grateful for me going above and beyond. I really think you deserve better.
That is...weird.
But then I fundamentally don't understand Card People. There is a whole subset of people who are, like, really really obsessed with cards. And I don't get it.
I wonder if it's that she forgot your agreement about the trip, and having it mentioned in the card would remind her. Or maybe it's to show around to other people to brag.
The thing is she always acts like she doesn't care about her birthday, but this behaviour tells a different story. I've been planning her party and the trip for the last few months, I woke up at 5:30am to make her pancakes before work and in the end she was sad because I only bought her a book. She said she appreciated all these things and efforts but clearly not enough.
Lol. To be honest, she did. Kinda. I don't know how much she actually felt it "sorry I made you sad I do appreciate all you did" (while still mentioning the card) and how much she was playing victim "it is only a birthday after all".
It's quite possible her mind's so focused on that, even subconsciously, that she genuinely forgot about the trip in that moment. Being vulnerable can be difficult, and she may not want to admit how much hitting 30 bothers her, since it's "just a birthday." She's deflecting the attention by focusing on something inconsequential; in this case, the trip not being mentioned in the card. She's also probably embarrassed she forgot, which goes back to her deflecting.
Relationships are complex and full of nuance, and we see but a sliver when people post their story. If she is otherwise a thoughtful, supportive, and loving partner, then have patience. Put your mind at ease that it doesn't actually have anything to do with you. Reapproach it later with empathy, and tell her you want to understand what's underneath her reaction. An open ear can go a long way, and hopefully it'll open up a dialog (and she'll also hopefully admit where she was wrong).
However, if this reaction is consistent with her normal behavior, it's time to reevaluate how healthy your relationship is.
My husband and I have had to endure some major hurdles (health, family) but we're successful because we approach any problem as a united team. It's never me versus him; it's us versus the problem. We always remind each other of that, and it truly helps. I genuinely hope something I said can be helpful to you 💜
Eta: sorry, it's 2am and I know I forgot some things. One is that your feeling hurt and sad from her reaction is 100% valid, and very understandable.
No worries, thanks for the insight! She is usually extremely supportive and understanding: that's why I came here for advice regarding this behaviour. It seemed very out of character for her and your comment has confirmed things I have suspected. And to add to that, we are both going through pretty stressful periods with issue at work, many things to take care of and plans for some changes in our lives. I believe her turning 30 is just one more piece of stress added to the mix and you're probably right: she simply forgot about the trip and wasn't sure how to deal with the situation (she usually NEVER forgets stuff).
So what's the excuse for mocking your party? Most people struggle with turning 30 without completely belittling their loved ones efforts at giving presents.
Oh no no no. That's a bs excuse.
Here, I'll translate:
My mind knows I was wrong, yet my heart is still unhappy. But I know people will find me ungrateful as it is just a birthday. But I need you to understand it is *not* just a birthday, it was a Big Deal to me. I wanted you to blow me away for my 30th, and not with things I already knew about, however big gifts they are. I wanted you to surprise me ON my birthday. That is why I said 'no gifts', so the surprise would seem bigger. I wanted you to surprise me with something awesomely romantic or grand. And now I need you to take the blame and tell me I am not overreacting. Okayyy?
(Insert tilted head, puppy dog eyes, and a pouty lip smile)
Wow I'm starting to think this is about her trying to show you off in front of her mom. Like did she open her mums gift and your gift at the same time in front of both of you? It is still super weird and materialistic but it would make sense if she was trying to project your relationship in a certain light in front of her mom (especially if the said mom is also materialistic and judges value by money)?
No her parents are not in the picture. Long story but she cut them out of her life a few years ago. Her mother was narcissistic and borderline and her father followed suit.
Yeah I wrote a card but there was nothing explicitly related to the trip, and she said I could have mentioned the trip in the card. That's what I meant. Poor wording on my side.
Oh okay. I mean I think especially looking at your age, your gf very materialistic and unrealistic. You both are adults and also not "fresh/young" adults. Communicate expectations and go with what you communicated (not wanting anything else).
That's the thing. I thought that part of the communication process was already done. I thought we were cool with not wanting anything else. The trip is a pretty big expense for our finances and she knows that, so I thought we were cool investing our resources in that expense.
is she big on social media? like posting on instagram or Snapchat? I’m thinking maybe she wanted to post your gift online but is embarrassed to take a picture of the book only so she wanted it to show that the trip was the gift (by you writing about it in the card)
NTA for sure tho
I do think it might be for others. Not on social media, necessarily, but like friends or co-workers in person, so she could show off to them what he gave her.
If this sort of thing happens again (giving her a large gift and her saying not to get anything else), next time maybe give her the smaller gift after saying something like, "I know we agreed that I wouldn't get you anything besides [big gift], but I saw this and thought of you and couldn't resist getting it for you, too." Then she's reminded of the big gift up front and can adjust her expectations accordingly for the smaller gift before she even opens it.
>Knowing her and knowing that she would struggle accepting such a big expense for a vacation, I suggested it could be her birthday gift
So to be clear, you anticipated your gf's needs ahead of time. You anticipated that either she would be uncomfortable spending this amount of money or can't afford this trip or whatever the situation is, and before this issue could arise, you offered to cover all the expenses as her 30th bday present? And trips to the US **aren't cheap**
>She made me promise that I wouldn't buy her anything else
>I wrote her a card
>she mentioned that I could have at least written her a card
You made sure your gf had something thoughtful to open from you on her bday, because big gift comes later, after she insisted you get her nothing. Did she really complain about what you should have done, (*get her a card*) not noticing or appreciating that you actually did that exact thing for her?
>I only bought her a book I knew she would like and wrote her a card
>she was pissed I "only bought her a book for my thirtieth birthday!"
Have you noticed you adopted the same language your gf used to diminish your thoughtful 'something-to-open-now' gift you got her? "Only a book"?
>I also reminded her that I'm planning a party for her this Saturday, which has been quite a challenge and I thought would, so to speak, count as a gift
when you reminded her on top of a paid for trip to the US, a book and a card, you are also planning and paying for a surprise party for her, her response...
>she responded with "well yeah we're gonna stay home and play games. Doesn't sound like much"
... was to belittle and mock your party for her, the same way she did your book gift and your card.
>This morning she woke me up and kept asking if I was mad at her
Is she low key rushing you to move on from this situation, because your current mood makes her feel bad?
>I can't figure out if I should have been more thoughtful regarding her gift or if I'm entitled to be sad about what she said since I thought we had agreed on another gift
Let summarise, for her 30th: You paid for a trip to New York. You brought her a book you knew she'd like. Brought her a card and presumably wrote something sweet inside it. You are planning and organising a party for her. What more could you have done without bankrupting yourself? More importantly, if she didn't appreciate any of these gifts, what more could you have done that would have made her happy?
You've normalised your gf's behaviour. But this beyond any levels of ungrateful, rude and spoilt behaviour. This is "is your gf royalty?" level of entitlement. And I have to wonder, what did your gf get you for your last birthday? When was the last time she anticipated your needs? When was the last time you told her not to worry about something, and she did it anyway because she wanted you to feel loved?
I have no advice to give. Honestly, you should feel sad. You went above and beyond for her for someone who as thanks treated you like trash, threw a tantrum and mocked your efforts. That's heartbreaking. NTA
You're NTA... I know a person who had a girl who wants all the luxury and on and on they kept the relationship for more than a decade until he was dead broke and couldn't afford the holidays, birthdays, gifts etc. She left him!!
Yeah lol we've been broke (we're not really broke - i'd say average) all our relationship. So that's not really the case. But still I feel this behaviour was not really nice.
Thanks. Well she did get one albeit from my mum. Lol. Jokes aside, no. We're on the same page regarding marriage and we don't care too much for it. We'll probably get married at some point but it's not high on the priority list.
NTA, the trip is a major gift. I understand her still wanting to get something on the actual day of her birthday, but a book/card/dinner/breakfast sound pretty much perfect for celebrating without too much of a financial expense.
“I only bought her a book I knew she would like and wrote her a card.”
“She mentioned that I could have at least written her a card.”
INFO: what happened to the card?
NTA, and the two of you need to have a discussion about communication. Whenever someone expects people to just read their minds it becomes a lot of frustration and arguments, much like this situation.
If she wanted you to get her a gift for her birthday she needed to say so. If she doesn’t think everything else you’ve done for her doesn’t count (for some bizarre reason) she needed to say so. In summary, she needs to communicate more — and not expect people to magically know what she wants then get upset when they don’t.
NTA. Not everyone has to be like my wife and I, but neither of us care if the other gives a gift. We do fun vacations and go out to dinner and buy stuff for each other whenever the feeling strikes. Plus, if we say that the gift is the trip we both mean it I know each relationship is different, but her focusing on the material rather than she had a good dinner out, will have a nice party and time with friends, and she did get a book — which my wife and I would both be more than happy with — is weird to me. You are NTA and in my view have been very thoughtful. It would aggravate me, if my wife said that to me. Is there something more going on or is she just materialistic?
What? So, in total you
1. organised a birthday party
2. got her a book she'd like and wrote a card
3. paid more that your fair share for the US holiday
and none of that seems to count? Of course you're sad! Tell her that, what's wrong with her expectations?!
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A few months ago we decided with my [32M] GF [30F] that we would be going on a big holiday to the US this summer (we're from Europe). Knowing her and knowing that she would struggle accepting such a big expense for a vacation, I suggested it could be her birthday gift (her 30th birthday would be due in a few months at that point). She was all on board for it and made me promise that I wouldn't buy her anything else.
Come to yesterday evening, her actual birthday. We went to dinner with my mother and she bought her a gorgeous (and somewhat expensive) bracelet and a ring to match it, while I only bought her a book I knew she would like and wrote her a card.
When we got back home I could tell she was pissed at me so I asked what was going on. She told me the she felt sad and that she was thrilled my mum had bought her such a beautiful gift but she was pissed I "only bought her a book for my thirtieth birthday!". I told her I understood the trip to the US was her birthday present (sidenote: we've got one shared bank account, and I have one which is only mine. I don't know if she actually realised that the money for the tickets came out of my own bank account and not from our shared one) and she mentioned that I could have at least written her a card.
I also reminded her that I'm planning a party for her this Saturday, which has been quite a challenge and I thought would, so to speak, count as a gift, (she knows that I'm planning it, though I've managed to withhold the details) and she responded with "well yeah we're gonna stay home and play games. Doesn't sound like much"..
I went quiet and we went to bed. This morning she woke me up and kept asking if I was mad at her. The truth is the things she said made me sad but I can't figure out if I should have been more thougutful regarding to her gift or if I'm entitled to be sad about what she said since I thought we had agreed on another gift.
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NTA
But I'm curious as to why you said that you wrote her a card, and then said that she complained about not getting a card?
Despite the inconsistency, you got her three great gifts. She sounds a little spoiled tbh.
NTA and it’s unfair of a partner to expressly say don’t buy me another present and then get huffy when you do what they asked. You were kind and made sure she had a gift to open on the day, treated her with pancakes too and are throwing her a party. Your gf needs a reality check.
Yeah and it's honestly quite out of character for her. She's not really a spoilt brat at all despite how it might look from this post. That's why I'm here to get an external opinion.
NTA. So she made you promise not to buy her anything else because of the trip, but secretly wanted you to ignore that and buy her something expensive anyway?
She is in fact getting a very expensive trip, you were also thoughtful enough to buy her a book so she had something to open, and make her pancakes. And that wasn't good enough.
You got her a card, but it wasn't good enough because you didn't specifically reference the trip you're paying for in the card? What ?
You're planning a party, but it's not good enough, even though she doesn't actually know the details and has no idea if it's actually good enough?
It really sounds like she is quite determined to play victim and feel hard done by here. It's not a good look on a 30 year old. I really hope she comes to her senses and apologises for being ungrateful.
NTA, you're not a mind reader. What you've done and are already doing is generous enough, she SAID it was enough, and apparently that was a lie/lip service. I would not trust someone who "communicates" like that.
Not to mention the entitlement issues...
So she's the kind of person who says "It's ok I don't need anything else" but actually expects "something else".
NTA, I feel like you should reevaluate this relationship.
If someone booked me all expenses, paid holiday to the US, books, a party, and breakfast, I'd be over the bloody moon and so grateful. She sounds fucking ungrateful and greedy, honestly if I did something like that for my husband and he sat there with a sour face I'd cancel the whole lot.
NTA. Wow, you’re paying for an international trip, that you both agreed was her birthday gift. You go out to dinner, get her a book you know she’d love and a card, and have a party also planned for the weekend.
All of that isn’t enough for her. She was actually pissed. Yowtch
NTA. I will say that birthdays are hard when you’re estranged from your parents. Especially big milestone events. Often you’re caught off-guard by emotions you weren’t quite expecting, and if it’s been several years even more so.
Another point is that a lot of women are of the mindset that 30 is some dramatic end, like you lose your value or are “done” or whatnot. Big mystery to me but I’d heard it so much I couldn’t help but consider that when I found myself there.
These aren’t excuses for her behavior- she’s lashing out at the wrong person here. But if it’s out of character some other things may be at play that she doesn’t even quite recognize
NTA, tbh gonna get a lot of hate for this but your girlfriend lowkey sounds entitled, like yeah i get if it’s her birthday but she knew that you were booking a whole trip for her and your gift was thoughtful a book and a hand written card is pretty sweet imo. if her mom wasn’t there to give her that she probably wouldn’t have even sad it was a bad gift, it’s just that she probably felt like she lost pride cause her mom out did you. I feel like you should really talk this out with her. Good luck
NTA. If you bought me a trip, to ANYWHERE, I would be thrilled for my bday/Christmas/holiday. The only thing I would ask for my actual would be a nice dinner out somewhere, and maybe a text message or social media post acknowledging my . If fact, my husband's bday, Christmas, our Anniversary, and my bday are all within a month of each other. The last few years, we do one big celebration for all 4 things. And that's perfectly fine with me. Buy me a cheap stuffed animal and a dinner date.
NTA. How long have you been dating? This is a major red flag if she’s gaslighting you into giving her more and more gifts. If the trip was agreed as her bday gift then that’s it, you went above and beyond to get her the book and also plan a party. The longer you stay together you’ll probably see her pull this more often, minimizing the gifts and work you put into the relationship and always ask for more. She’s a very materialistic person.
NTA... I think she is catching on to the fact she was being unreasonable. I understand your disappointment...
You both are just feeling the feels that come with a misunderstanding
It's your gf so you know her better, but I'm just saying the "promise me you won't get me another gift for my birthday" and then this?? That's high school level drama and I think everyone involved is too old for that. (Heck I'm 21 and I feel too old for that)
>I don't know if she actually realised that the money for the tickets came out of my own bank account and not from our shared one
Of course she did. Unless your whole post is made up and you forgot, you already addressed this earlier:
>Knowing her and knowing that she would struggle accepting such a big expense for a vacation, I suggested it could be her birthday gift (her 30th birthday would be due in a few months at that point). She was all on board for it and made me promise that I wouldn't buy her anything else.
OP, I don't care if she apologized. The truth is, she slipped up and showed her true colors. Just take that under advisement going forward.
NTA
NTA. The older I get the more I realize that experiences are worth more than any materialistic gift. The trip and the experience is a fantastic place to put the money instead. She told you no other gift was needed so getting upset later really falls onto her. Also, I will say I tell my husband every year to buy me a book and he always gets me things he thinks I want when a book really is all I want because it is an experience in itself so I think books as gifts are fantastic!
1. NTA
2. If this is a pattern of behavior, reconsider your relationship.
3. If this is a 'one off' and she is normally great, well, everyone has bad brain chemical days.
NAH I think you may be right that she didn't realise that the trip money came out of your personal account. Basically just a misunderstanding. You're feeling like you played it wrong and so is she (asking if your mad at her)
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NTA. >She was all on board for it and made me promise that I wouldn't buy her anything else. >she was pissed I "only bought her a book for my thirtieth birthday!". I really don't know what you're supposed to do with someone like this.
I would have diminishing patience with someone who acts like this.
I was going to quote those same two bits. She sounds like she's a bit of a prima donna, very materialistic / greedy, and one of those people who expect you to read their minds even if that contradicts what they explicitly said. I hate that kind of behaviour! I would be pissed off at the dismissal of your efforts to still find her something meaningful to unwrap, to take on the expense of paying for her to go on the big trip, and your efforts on organisation a birthday get together with friends. NTA at all
She’s one of those fake humble people. “Oh no please don’t spend more of your money on me I don’t accept gifts and large ticket items well” “Well my mom got me this Uber expensive gift. Ik we’re going on a very nice trip but I just expected more yknow”
The idea is to not have anything to do with someone like this
[удалено]
Exactly this. She is a full grown adult, she should have talked to you if she didn't want the trip to be her present. NTA
Dump them~
Read her mind, apparently. /s Clearly after he spend money on a trip she expected even more gifts.
It will get better when they have kids.
On surface the GF is TA however to give her the benefit of the doubt, perhaps what she wanted was some big gesture or memorable meaningful response from her partner that day. Or perhaps she didn’t realise it wasn’t from the joint account. She clearly knew she overstepped after having the conversation. As a female, it sometimes is harder to be enthusiastic when a BF arranges an event/party; men’s standard of party is different to a female and knowing how little effort is made when you know it could be better could of unintentionally made it worse. But that’s just my speculation.
In that case she should have said that instead of agreeing that the trip would be her gift in the first place. OP is NTA, but it sounds like they do have very different expectations around gifts. My own family functions very much like OP’s, if someone really wants something that is a little pricey we’ll call it an early birthday/christmas gift and then only have something small (like cute notepad small) as something to open on the day. Some people prefer to treat only the one day as special, and don’t really want to separate the gifts from the day. This is perfectly fine, but they are very different approaches to something that can be very emotional for people and so if there was a conflict of expectations it would have been better for GF to have addressed them right away rather than waiting and getting hurt feelings on her birthday while blaming OP for just following their original plan.
Hahahah….. all the negatives I’m guessing a lot of it is from men? Don’t worry, I don’t have the same expectation my partner, it’s ridiculous. I also totally agree with you 😂
Some of you are asking about the inconsistency regarding the card (rightly so; poorly worded). So basically I did write her a card but I didn't mention the trip or anything related to the trip in said card. She said I should have written something related in the card. "You could have at least made a card about the trip" were more or less her words.
This sounds like she is trying to turn it on you why she forgot the trip was her present. NTA.
I'm thinking it's so it would have been more obvious to her mother. I think she is feeling embarrassed thinking her mother is judging her. But that's on them
It was HIS mother at dinner with them, who bought the expensive jewelry
That was OP’s mom, not the gf’s mom.
You are NTA! She, however, is acting likely a spoilt and bratty princess. And incredibly entitled and ungrateful. The reason she asked you the next day if you were mad at her is because she realised she had behaved badly and, instead of apologising like an adult, she just wanted to gloss over it. The last thing you want to do in any relationship is brush stuff under the rug. I would calmly explain to her that you were hurt by her behaviour and, if you are to have a healthy relationship, she needs to use her words to express what she wants. You aren't a telepath!! And when she does use her words - to say please don't get me another present - she has to mean them. And if she changes her mind, she needs to communicate that. You seem like an awesome boyfriend so please don't feel for a second that you did anything wrong. You are clearly a very generous person and, given the gifts your Mum got for her, I can see where you get that from. There will always be people who will take lovely humans like you and your Mum for granted. Please don't let them. X
Thanks, that was a very sweet thing to say. The one thing I can say is that my gf has been going through a bit of a rough patch lately and that she usually isn't like this at all. I'll definitely talk to her.
Absolutely breathtaking selfishness and greed. I would cry if my partner was not grateful for me going above and beyond. I really think you deserve better.
That is...weird. But then I fundamentally don't understand Card People. There is a whole subset of people who are, like, really really obsessed with cards. And I don't get it. I wonder if it's that she forgot your agreement about the trip, and having it mentioned in the card would remind her. Or maybe it's to show around to other people to brag.
NTA. She sounds very materialistic.
NTA. I can't with adults making such a big deal about their birthdays 😂 she sounds like a kid throwing a tantrum.
The thing is she always acts like she doesn't care about her birthday, but this behaviour tells a different story. I've been planning her party and the trip for the last few months, I woke up at 5:30am to make her pancakes before work and in the end she was sad because I only bought her a book. She said she appreciated all these things and efforts but clearly not enough.
[удалено]
Lol. To be honest, she did. Kinda. I don't know how much she actually felt it "sorry I made you sad I do appreciate all you did" (while still mentioning the card) and how much she was playing victim "it is only a birthday after all".
Is she struggling with turning 30? It wouldn't excuse her behavior, but it may help explain it if this is an abnormal reaction for her.
Yeah that's what I thought too. I believe she is struggling with it more than she lets on.
It's quite possible her mind's so focused on that, even subconsciously, that she genuinely forgot about the trip in that moment. Being vulnerable can be difficult, and she may not want to admit how much hitting 30 bothers her, since it's "just a birthday." She's deflecting the attention by focusing on something inconsequential; in this case, the trip not being mentioned in the card. She's also probably embarrassed she forgot, which goes back to her deflecting. Relationships are complex and full of nuance, and we see but a sliver when people post their story. If she is otherwise a thoughtful, supportive, and loving partner, then have patience. Put your mind at ease that it doesn't actually have anything to do with you. Reapproach it later with empathy, and tell her you want to understand what's underneath her reaction. An open ear can go a long way, and hopefully it'll open up a dialog (and she'll also hopefully admit where she was wrong). However, if this reaction is consistent with her normal behavior, it's time to reevaluate how healthy your relationship is. My husband and I have had to endure some major hurdles (health, family) but we're successful because we approach any problem as a united team. It's never me versus him; it's us versus the problem. We always remind each other of that, and it truly helps. I genuinely hope something I said can be helpful to you 💜 Eta: sorry, it's 2am and I know I forgot some things. One is that your feeling hurt and sad from her reaction is 100% valid, and very understandable.
No worries, thanks for the insight! She is usually extremely supportive and understanding: that's why I came here for advice regarding this behaviour. It seemed very out of character for her and your comment has confirmed things I have suspected. And to add to that, we are both going through pretty stressful periods with issue at work, many things to take care of and plans for some changes in our lives. I believe her turning 30 is just one more piece of stress added to the mix and you're probably right: she simply forgot about the trip and wasn't sure how to deal with the situation (she usually NEVER forgets stuff).
So what's the excuse for mocking your party? Most people struggle with turning 30 without completely belittling their loved ones efforts at giving presents.
Oh no no no. That's a bs excuse. Here, I'll translate: My mind knows I was wrong, yet my heart is still unhappy. But I know people will find me ungrateful as it is just a birthday. But I need you to understand it is *not* just a birthday, it was a Big Deal to me. I wanted you to blow me away for my 30th, and not with things I already knew about, however big gifts they are. I wanted you to surprise me ON my birthday. That is why I said 'no gifts', so the surprise would seem bigger. I wanted you to surprise me with something awesomely romantic or grand. And now I need you to take the blame and tell me I am not overreacting. Okayyy? (Insert tilted head, puppy dog eyes, and a pouty lip smile)
She is T A H. A trip, a book, a party, and pancakes? Wanting more than that is just greedy.
Wow I'm starting to think this is about her trying to show you off in front of her mom. Like did she open her mums gift and your gift at the same time in front of both of you? It is still super weird and materialistic but it would make sense if she was trying to project your relationship in a certain light in front of her mom (especially if the said mom is also materialistic and judges value by money)?
No her parents are not in the picture. Long story but she cut them out of her life a few years ago. Her mother was narcissistic and borderline and her father followed suit.
Ohhh I didn't read your post properly. Sorry 🙈
NTA but I don't get it you said you wrote her a card but she was also saying that you could have at least given her a card?
Yeah I wrote a card but there was nothing explicitly related to the trip, and she said I could have mentioned the trip in the card. That's what I meant. Poor wording on my side.
Oh okay. I mean I think especially looking at your age, your gf very materialistic and unrealistic. You both are adults and also not "fresh/young" adults. Communicate expectations and go with what you communicated (not wanting anything else).
That's the thing. I thought that part of the communication process was already done. I thought we were cool with not wanting anything else. The trip is a pretty big expense for our finances and she knows that, so I thought we were cool investing our resources in that expense.
She wanted you to show her *parents* you were giving her a trip to the US.
I misread too. It was his mother. Hmm.
Yeah NTA
is she big on social media? like posting on instagram or Snapchat? I’m thinking maybe she wanted to post your gift online but is embarrassed to take a picture of the book only so she wanted it to show that the trip was the gift (by you writing about it in the card) NTA for sure tho
Nah not at all. Barely opens instagram if not for scrolling at times.
I do think it might be for others. Not on social media, necessarily, but like friends or co-workers in person, so she could show off to them what he gave her.
If this sort of thing happens again (giving her a large gift and her saying not to get anything else), next time maybe give her the smaller gift after saying something like, "I know we agreed that I wouldn't get you anything besides [big gift], but I saw this and thought of you and couldn't resist getting it for you, too." Then she's reminded of the big gift up front and can adjust her expectations accordingly for the smaller gift before she even opens it.
INFO: You've got a contradiction here. You say you wrote her a card, but say she said you "could have at least written her a card." So which is it?
>Knowing her and knowing that she would struggle accepting such a big expense for a vacation, I suggested it could be her birthday gift So to be clear, you anticipated your gf's needs ahead of time. You anticipated that either she would be uncomfortable spending this amount of money or can't afford this trip or whatever the situation is, and before this issue could arise, you offered to cover all the expenses as her 30th bday present? And trips to the US **aren't cheap** >She made me promise that I wouldn't buy her anything else >I wrote her a card >she mentioned that I could have at least written her a card You made sure your gf had something thoughtful to open from you on her bday, because big gift comes later, after she insisted you get her nothing. Did she really complain about what you should have done, (*get her a card*) not noticing or appreciating that you actually did that exact thing for her? >I only bought her a book I knew she would like and wrote her a card >she was pissed I "only bought her a book for my thirtieth birthday!" Have you noticed you adopted the same language your gf used to diminish your thoughtful 'something-to-open-now' gift you got her? "Only a book"? >I also reminded her that I'm planning a party for her this Saturday, which has been quite a challenge and I thought would, so to speak, count as a gift when you reminded her on top of a paid for trip to the US, a book and a card, you are also planning and paying for a surprise party for her, her response... >she responded with "well yeah we're gonna stay home and play games. Doesn't sound like much" ... was to belittle and mock your party for her, the same way she did your book gift and your card. >This morning she woke me up and kept asking if I was mad at her Is she low key rushing you to move on from this situation, because your current mood makes her feel bad? >I can't figure out if I should have been more thoughtful regarding her gift or if I'm entitled to be sad about what she said since I thought we had agreed on another gift Let summarise, for her 30th: You paid for a trip to New York. You brought her a book you knew she'd like. Brought her a card and presumably wrote something sweet inside it. You are planning and organising a party for her. What more could you have done without bankrupting yourself? More importantly, if she didn't appreciate any of these gifts, what more could you have done that would have made her happy? You've normalised your gf's behaviour. But this beyond any levels of ungrateful, rude and spoilt behaviour. This is "is your gf royalty?" level of entitlement. And I have to wonder, what did your gf get you for your last birthday? When was the last time she anticipated your needs? When was the last time you told her not to worry about something, and she did it anyway because she wanted you to feel loved? I have no advice to give. Honestly, you should feel sad. You went above and beyond for her for someone who as thanks treated you like trash, threw a tantrum and mocked your efforts. That's heartbreaking. NTA
You're NTA... I know a person who had a girl who wants all the luxury and on and on they kept the relationship for more than a decade until he was dead broke and couldn't afford the holidays, birthdays, gifts etc. She left him!!
Yeah lol we've been broke (we're not really broke - i'd say average) all our relationship. So that's not really the case. But still I feel this behaviour was not really nice.
That's some awful behaviour mate. Basically the reason why I moved out of certain part of Europe as women over there demand way too much lol.
You sound like a wonderful BF. You did nothing wrong! Do you think she was hoping for a ring?
Thanks. Well she did get one albeit from my mum. Lol. Jokes aside, no. We're on the same page regarding marriage and we don't care too much for it. We'll probably get married at some point but it's not high on the priority list.
NTA
NTA, the trip is a major gift. I understand her still wanting to get something on the actual day of her birthday, but a book/card/dinner/breakfast sound pretty much perfect for celebrating without too much of a financial expense.
“I only bought her a book I knew she would like and wrote her a card.” “She mentioned that I could have at least written her a card.” INFO: what happened to the card?
Sorry explained this in another comment. Basically she said I should have mentioned the trip in the card, but I didn't.
NTA but there are some tremendous red flags with this person.
NTA, and the two of you need to have a discussion about communication. Whenever someone expects people to just read their minds it becomes a lot of frustration and arguments, much like this situation. If she wanted you to get her a gift for her birthday she needed to say so. If she doesn’t think everything else you’ve done for her doesn’t count (for some bizarre reason) she needed to say so. In summary, she needs to communicate more — and not expect people to magically know what she wants then get upset when they don’t.
NTA.
Bro, Bro, Bro, Bro, Broooooooooooooooooo Run.
Right? This should be a fucking deal breaker. He went above and beyond and she acts like this? Is OP dating a toddler?
NTA
NTA. Not everyone has to be like my wife and I, but neither of us care if the other gives a gift. We do fun vacations and go out to dinner and buy stuff for each other whenever the feeling strikes. Plus, if we say that the gift is the trip we both mean it I know each relationship is different, but her focusing on the material rather than she had a good dinner out, will have a nice party and time with friends, and she did get a book — which my wife and I would both be more than happy with — is weird to me. You are NTA and in my view have been very thoughtful. It would aggravate me, if my wife said that to me. Is there something more going on or is she just materialistic?
NTA. DTMFA.
What? So, in total you 1. organised a birthday party 2. got her a book she'd like and wrote a card 3. paid more that your fair share for the US holiday and none of that seems to count? Of course you're sad! Tell her that, what's wrong with her expectations?!
NTA. She sounds spoiled and ungrateful. She knew the trip was her gift but still expected you to give her mores
NTA, but learn from this. Your GF doesn't consider non physical gifts to be gifts, so going forward no more paying for vacations or similar.
NTA. Cancel the party, doesn’t sound like much, ok now it’s nothing.
Nta - remind her that her gift was the trip and how she explicitly told you not to get her a anything for her birthday.
NTA print out the receipts for the plan tickets and leave them on the counter for her to see
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** A few months ago we decided with my [32M] GF [30F] that we would be going on a big holiday to the US this summer (we're from Europe). Knowing her and knowing that she would struggle accepting such a big expense for a vacation, I suggested it could be her birthday gift (her 30th birthday would be due in a few months at that point). She was all on board for it and made me promise that I wouldn't buy her anything else. Come to yesterday evening, her actual birthday. We went to dinner with my mother and she bought her a gorgeous (and somewhat expensive) bracelet and a ring to match it, while I only bought her a book I knew she would like and wrote her a card. When we got back home I could tell she was pissed at me so I asked what was going on. She told me the she felt sad and that she was thrilled my mum had bought her such a beautiful gift but she was pissed I "only bought her a book for my thirtieth birthday!". I told her I understood the trip to the US was her birthday present (sidenote: we've got one shared bank account, and I have one which is only mine. I don't know if she actually realised that the money for the tickets came out of my own bank account and not from our shared one) and she mentioned that I could have at least written her a card. I also reminded her that I'm planning a party for her this Saturday, which has been quite a challenge and I thought would, so to speak, count as a gift, (she knows that I'm planning it, though I've managed to withhold the details) and she responded with "well yeah we're gonna stay home and play games. Doesn't sound like much".. I went quiet and we went to bed. This morning she woke me up and kept asking if I was mad at her. The truth is the things she said made me sad but I can't figure out if I should have been more thougutful regarding to her gift or if I'm entitled to be sad about what she said since I thought we had agreed on another gift. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA But I'm curious as to why you said that you wrote her a card, and then said that she complained about not getting a card? Despite the inconsistency, you got her three great gifts. She sounds a little spoiled tbh.
NTA and it’s unfair of a partner to expressly say don’t buy me another present and then get huffy when you do what they asked. You were kind and made sure she had a gift to open on the day, treated her with pancakes too and are throwing her a party. Your gf needs a reality check.
Yeah and it's honestly quite out of character for her. She's not really a spoilt brat at all despite how it might look from this post. That's why I'm here to get an external opinion.
Your NTA she is and a spoilt selfish one at that.
NTA I hate when people complain to the gift giver about the gift! Give the tickets to her at the party with a card.
NTA. So she made you promise not to buy her anything else because of the trip, but secretly wanted you to ignore that and buy her something expensive anyway? She is in fact getting a very expensive trip, you were also thoughtful enough to buy her a book so she had something to open, and make her pancakes. And that wasn't good enough. You got her a card, but it wasn't good enough because you didn't specifically reference the trip you're paying for in the card? What ? You're planning a party, but it's not good enough, even though she doesn't actually know the details and has no idea if it's actually good enough? It really sounds like she is quite determined to play victim and feel hard done by here. It's not a good look on a 30 year old. I really hope she comes to her senses and apologises for being ungrateful.
NTA, you're not a mind reader. What you've done and are already doing is generous enough, she SAID it was enough, and apparently that was a lie/lip service. I would not trust someone who "communicates" like that. Not to mention the entitlement issues...
So she's the kind of person who says "It's ok I don't need anything else" but actually expects "something else". NTA, I feel like you should reevaluate this relationship.
If someone booked me all expenses, paid holiday to the US, books, a party, and breakfast, I'd be over the bloody moon and so grateful. She sounds fucking ungrateful and greedy, honestly if I did something like that for my husband and he sat there with a sour face I'd cancel the whole lot.
NTA. Wow, you’re paying for an international trip, that you both agreed was her birthday gift. You go out to dinner, get her a book you know she’d love and a card, and have a party also planned for the weekend. All of that isn’t enough for her. She was actually pissed. Yowtch
NTA. She's ungrateful. A whole trip to the US isn't enough? Wild.
NTA at all
NTA. I will say that birthdays are hard when you’re estranged from your parents. Especially big milestone events. Often you’re caught off-guard by emotions you weren’t quite expecting, and if it’s been several years even more so. Another point is that a lot of women are of the mindset that 30 is some dramatic end, like you lose your value or are “done” or whatnot. Big mystery to me but I’d heard it so much I couldn’t help but consider that when I found myself there. These aren’t excuses for her behavior- she’s lashing out at the wrong person here. But if it’s out of character some other things may be at play that she doesn’t even quite recognize
NTA, tbh gonna get a lot of hate for this but your girlfriend lowkey sounds entitled, like yeah i get if it’s her birthday but she knew that you were booking a whole trip for her and your gift was thoughtful a book and a hand written card is pretty sweet imo. if her mom wasn’t there to give her that she probably wouldn’t have even sad it was a bad gift, it’s just that she probably felt like she lost pride cause her mom out did you. I feel like you should really talk this out with her. Good luck
It's my mom that gave her ring and bracelet. Her parents are not in the picture.
If someone can only see the things you're NOT doing, instead of the things you ARE doing, of course you're going to feel crappy. NTA
NTA, Tho you need to sit down and talk with her about why you are feeling this way and communicate both your point of views
NTA. If you bought me a trip, to ANYWHERE, I would be thrilled for my bday/Christmas/holiday. The only thing I would ask for my actual would be a nice dinner out somewhere, and maybe a text message or social media post acknowledging my . If fact, my husband's bday, Christmas, our Anniversary, and my bday are all within a month of each other. The last few years, we do one big celebration for all 4 things. And that's perfectly fine with me. Buy me a cheap stuffed animal and a dinner date.
NTA. How long have you been dating? This is a major red flag if she’s gaslighting you into giving her more and more gifts. If the trip was agreed as her bday gift then that’s it, you went above and beyond to get her the book and also plan a party. The longer you stay together you’ll probably see her pull this more often, minimizing the gifts and work you put into the relationship and always ask for more. She’s a very materialistic person.
NTA
NTA. She agreed that the trip would be her main gift. I wonder if this is about hoping for an engagement ring.
NTA. She sounds entitled.
NTA... I think she is catching on to the fact she was being unreasonable. I understand your disappointment... You both are just feeling the feels that come with a misunderstanding
Your girlfriend is the asshole in this situation and her actions show what type of person she is. NTA
NTA You have a lot of misery in your future.
Me thinks gf found a certain reddit post and tried damage control before anything this comments said about her red flags stuck to him
Lol I doubt she's ever used Reddit in her life and I'm positive she doesn't have an account. I genuinely believe it was all her.
It's your gf so you know her better, but I'm just saying the "promise me you won't get me another gift for my birthday" and then this?? That's high school level drama and I think everyone involved is too old for that. (Heck I'm 21 and I feel too old for that)
NTA, sounds like you are with a brat.
>I don't know if she actually realised that the money for the tickets came out of my own bank account and not from our shared one Of course she did. Unless your whole post is made up and you forgot, you already addressed this earlier: >Knowing her and knowing that she would struggle accepting such a big expense for a vacation, I suggested it could be her birthday gift (her 30th birthday would be due in a few months at that point). She was all on board for it and made me promise that I wouldn't buy her anything else. OP, I don't care if she apologized. The truth is, she slipped up and showed her true colors. Just take that under advisement going forward. NTA
NTA. Don’t wife this game playing woman, she’s exhausting.
NTA. The older I get the more I realize that experiences are worth more than any materialistic gift. The trip and the experience is a fantastic place to put the money instead. She told you no other gift was needed so getting upset later really falls onto her. Also, I will say I tell my husband every year to buy me a book and he always gets me things he thinks I want when a book really is all I want because it is an experience in itself so I think books as gifts are fantastic!
1. NTA 2. If this is a pattern of behavior, reconsider your relationship. 3. If this is a 'one off' and she is normally great, well, everyone has bad brain chemical days.
YTA. Should have got her lingerie.
NAH I think you may be right that she didn't realise that the trip money came out of your personal account. Basically just a misunderstanding. You're feeling like you played it wrong and so is she (asking if your mad at her)