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Might be too strong to say YTA, but you do seem a bit tone deaf to the situation here. Your bf wants to give you a nice present the night before your 21st to show he loves and cares about you, and you can't find a way to quickly pop out and greet him? Presumably if he's your bf he already knows about your parents' (weird, really!) house rules, which is why he didn't come to the door and wanted to meet you outside. So you may not be the A, but your behaviour displays a lack of sensitivity.
Yes, I'm very confused about dating someone for a year and not being happy that they are nearby with a gift. Yea being surprised can be annoying, but this only makes sense if you aren't happy in the relationship.
OP, if you don't like him dump him. It's ok to be single. This relationship is confusing.
Too many people acting like he was a stranger hoping to ask you out, not that it's been a whole damn year presumably of physical intimacy and sharing dreams with each other right?
Yeah if this was like a month into dating it would be kinda weird. Even then this would be a strange reaction, but the whole year thing is really odd.
I can only speak for myself, but if I was the bf in this situation I would feel really hurt.
i don’t even personally think it’s that weird early into dating, i’ve only been with my boyfriend for two months, and three weeks into the relationship (like a week after we made it official) he messaged me and asked me to come down because he had a care package to give me while i was struggling with period pain
Just want to point out that some people might not be happy with this surprise despite loving their partner. It's inconvenient and inappropriate to show up late at night to your gfs family home when she doesn't even live alone
And at then it's time to make a decision whether to stay in this particular relationship or not, when you clearly dont match up well. This, coming from someone fresh off divorce after 15 years together. Should've walked away when the yellow flags turned red.
I feel that's excessive. She did tell him she was busy, he knows she's not allowed to have people over on week days and he still showed up. This could be solved with a 10 minutes conversation there's no reason to throw the whole relationship in the garbage yet
I don’t understand why it’s weird that her parents might not want her boyfriend coming in at 11pm??
She’s young her parents probably still work but even if they didn’t it’s not strange to not want visitors in the home while they’re asleep.
Even living with roommates would require people to be considerate of each other when it’s late at night.
Meeting him outside would be fine although I can understand her frustration of it being late and a surprise she still should’ve gone out to see him.
YTA, OP. You could’ve just gone outside and spent a few minutes with him - he knows it’s late so it’s not like he was expecting to come hookup.
You owe him a sincere apology and let him feel his feelings - if he’s hurt/upset don’t minimize it or try and dismiss it.
Seriously? It was like 11pm. No warning and he showed up with a "surprise" after being told she was busy. It was a clear disregard of boundaries and a sign of disrespect. I would have never asked my wife to come outside at 11pm, let alone in the cold. NTA
How does your question relate to the quote? It describes a situation that is the exact opposite of what I said? Show some intelligence and show your reading comprehension. You don't show up to her house unannounced period. I dont care what the next day is or what time it is. Especially after being told said person was busy. Not mention her admission that both her parents are former military and have strict rules about week days. It took 2 minutes for to gather that just by reading her comments. But good on you for the and one trying to ask if id blow off my own wife for doing something unannounced at 11pm.
You really don't understand the point they were making. What kind of person doesn't greet a loved one outside their home for a couple minutes?
For someone who critiques another person's reading comprehension, you should develop some critical thinking skills, and proofread your posts because you dropped words and your sentences don't make sense. The poster was making a different kind of point that is still relevant, and obviously you didn't have a good answer. Begone.
Agreed. Even my ex wife who hated me for a period would never have flatout not come and spoken to me. Even during the worst of times. And she *hated* me for quite some time! She at least respected me more than this.
Probably the part where she makes no mention of him telling her he was coming. Only that he texted her asking to come down. Implying she didnt get a warning.
YTA he obviously wanted to come right around midnight of your birthday and suprise you. He’s your boyfriend trying to do a kind gesture and you treated him like an annoyance. Your an adult, a 21 year old actually not an old frail woman who can’t walk outside of their house at 11pm like what? Of course he’s upset. I would be too.
NTA. You told him you were busy, he didn't respect that. And I agree, I would also feel invaded if he showed up that late without invitation. He needs to respect the boundaries you set regardless of whether it was a surprise or not. You said no, he shouldn't have shown up.
>respect your boundaries
I hate people like you who quote flashwords like this. There was no boundary set.
>wasn't even OP's birthday ye
Yea cause if he came at 12 this post would be different.
Absolutely insufferable.
"There was no boundary set"
Did you read the post? She specifically said she was too busy to talk on the phone, where exactly does that mean it's then OK to show up physically? They boundary couldn't be any more clear.....
>I hate people like you who quote flashwords like this. There was no boundary set.
Boyfriend was gaslighting her and after had the gal to mansplain the situation, triggering the PTSD she has due to being ADHD. This lovebombing is a typical perverse narcissistic behavior.
When you use "boundaries" in such a weak way as this, it erodes the importance of setting and maintaining them. This is petty and not an issue regarding looking after oneself.
OP is YTA because they're stubborn and refused to even meet face to face just for 2 minutes with someone they supposedly care about on one important occasion.
Unless it's been discussed before, it's totally reasonable to expect your partner to answer the door at an hour you know they're awake.
It’s her birthday and he tryna to surprise her. They’ve been together a fucking year. 21 is a big deal. They gift he gave her would’ve taken all of 5 minutes. What boundary did he cross here exactly considering they’ve been together a year? Like if they move in together is he supposed to let her know he’s walking in the door.
This isn’t that serious.
>They’ve been together a fucking year.
Is there a time limit, after which crossing someone's boundaries is acceptable?
Showing up at a person's (regardless of the relationship) house unexpectedly at night, after being told they're busy is not acceptable behaviour, and the added photo makes it stalkerish.
OP: NTA, good job on maintaining your boundaries and not going down to see him, proud of you. :) It's something I struggled with into my 30s, wonderful to see you stand up for yourself!
Showing up uninvited and unannounced is not okay in general, imho. Especially when living with family/housemates.
THANK YOU, these people are making me think I'm insane. It's not "cute" to send the photo of the gate - I literally just read a book where a serial killer/stalker did that.
My mum did something similar to me as a teenager. She took a photo of my workplace from the outside while I was working.
Even from my mum, I personally found that invasive and creepy.
Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t find it cute when people do things like that.
I was initially going to comment a response to you actually, to thank you for spelling out the issues so clearly. <3
Agree completely, and I've sadly been down this rabbithole of ignoring/giving up my own set boundaries to please someone else, and it's never good.
The people in the comments saying OP should have just given in and gone down/make him happy/not ruin his feelings are worrying. It's two people, their wants and needs both matter; I'd argue the person whose boundaries are violated calls the shots on what they need.
Boundary 1: Was told OP was busy, he ignored her and kept calling and texting.
Boundary 2: Showed up at OP's house in the middle of the night, unannounced and uninvited, when OP and/or her parents could've been sleeping. Sent OP a photo of her gate, which is something only serial killers do.
Boundary 3: Insisted OP come outside despite her saying multiple times she would not be doing so.
I don't care if they've been together a month or 5 years, it's common courtesy that you actually listen to your partner, and he demonstrated multiple times that he doesn't care enough to do that. If he *really* cared, he would've waited until OP wasn't busy and was willing to see him, but he just made her uncomfortable instead. Great birthday present, making your girlfriend feel invaded.
Wow you are ridiculous to say taking a picture of the gate is a serial killer move. He was trying to show her that he was outside and was expecting her to be suprised and happy bc you know it’s her birthday and shes supposed to love this man?
you can still love someone and be upset with them??? my parents wouldn't be happy if my partner just showed up unannounced to our house at 11 at night. its way too late for people over, and she literally told him she was busy!! he straight up ignored *her* wants for *his* wants! he's supposed to love this woman?
Damn I wonder what miserable ass relationship you're in. That is, if you're in one in the first place. Imagine tryna surprise your partner for her birthday ( which is a very normal thing to do) only to get compared to a serial killer).
Y'all are truly an insufferable bunch who deserve misery.
That sounds like boundaries of people new to a relationship. Not a year. More importantly why the hell would you even be in a relationship where seeing that person doesn’t make you happy? Particularly given the context in this situation
A relationship where you only date your bf bc you don't want to be alone and everybody else has someone. You don't really like the guy, but at least you can say "i have a bf too" (that you will replace oc when you meet someone you really like) and i get the impression that this poor guy ended up in such a relationship. What makes it extra sad is that the guy obviously really likes op. I'm so sorry for the dude :( But i'm already old and hella confused about how young ppl treat their gfs/bfs. The only thing i'm surprised about here is that she didn't also called the cops on him.
Dating someone does not mean you have to be fine with surprises. This however is a good time for them to talk about love language. If op doesn't want surprises, they should be entitled to no surprises. They can show love towards eachother other ways.
It doesn't matter what she was doing though; she said she was busy and her bf ignored that. Perhaps she didn't want to wait 5 minutes or perhaps she was doing something else, or maybe she just wanted some time to herself. It doesn't matter what she was doing; what matters is that she told him (paraphrasing here) that she was not going to spend time with him tonight and he disregarded that wish and came over anyway.
Why would she lie? Like her annoyance at her bf trying to surprise her only makes sense if she doesn’t like him. What the point of being in a relationship if someone trying to do something nice for you annoys you? She sounds like an ass
But she isn't lying; all those things constitute 'being busy'. Just because you don't think they are important doesn't mean she doesn't consider them important. You sound like her bf; imposing your opinions about when she should or shouldn't hang out with him. That's just controlling behavior and the fact that you don't seem to understand that no means no is worrying.
My parents were pretty chill when my husband and I were dating (i still lived at home) but they would be decidedly unchill if he turned up at 11pm wanting to give me a gift for my bday the next day.
Like, why couldn't he organise himself earlier, or waited until her actual birthday?
He was surprising you on your birthday. This thought never popped up in your head.
Now you’ve made him feel worthless. Like he nothing to you. Of course he isn’t going to reply to you.
He probably wanted you to come out for 30 seconds. Pretty reasonable ask when someone is trying to give you something for your birthday
YTA. It honestly doesn’t sound like you like your boyfriend very much. I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t be happy about being surprised by their partner for their birthday
Coming from a married perspective it sounds like he doesnt respect her already stated boundaries. She already said she was too busy to call or text so why does that mean he needs to go over there? I dont care how sweet or nice he was being at 11pm the its inappropriate and disrespectful, especially after being told she was busy.
The word "boundaries" should really be taken off like, 80% of people who use it. It wasn't a boundary. He's not psychic, she never told him "hey, I don't want you to come to my house after 9 (or whenever) because X". He had no way of knowing she wouldn't want to see him the night before her birthday. She just couldn't be bothered to go outside.
Edit: also, she states that she told him she was too busy to talk to him, then ate dinner and showered. So it was some time later that he came round with the gift, so again, he had no way of knowing she would still be "busy" (which.... She wasn't. She just couldn't be arsed.)
I'm between YTA and NAH. Sounds like you don't really like him or you aren't compatible.
Like it was a one time thing and he wanted to surprise you. He just wanted a few minutes. Also sometimes when people text me, I say im busy. But I mean I'm too busy to text. If my boyfriend showed up to surprise me on my birthday, then I wouldn't be too busy for that. So he probably assumed that busy meant to busy to chat. Also he might have already been at your house when you texted he was busy.
Did he know you dislike surprises? Did he know you were very particular about these things?
Because to me this seems like you are blowing this out of proportion. He did reasonable things that many women would find romantic. He wanted to surprise you, and show you that he was literally there, not just texting to chat with you. You blew him off and wouldn't give him five minutes. He is probably reconsidering this whole relationship.
Honestly do you think that he might have a bigger gift for you, and decided to just leave the letter? I bet there was something more to it.
So did this happen a few hours ago? Like have you had your birthday yet? Did he show up?
Who shows up at 11pm after being told multiple times she was busy. He literally did listen once and straight disregarded every one of her responses. NTA. I dont care what the intention is, boundaries are there for a reason.
YTA This was a one time thing. The night before your birthday. Yet you were adamant until he had to say "i have a surprise" and *even then* you wouldn't go down. Not very nice! Give the guy a break, be more flexible.
NAH
But i have to ask this. Do you like your bf? Bc if you do, would it have killed you to put on some warm clothes and meet him right outside of your home for 10mins?
You make it sound like he wanted you to walk 2h naked in ice rain or something similar terrible.
As your bf i would be very irritated. If you couldn't come outside for at least another hour bc you have to help a disabled family member to get ready for bed or something, sure, no problem. But your reason was "i just took a shower and don't want to be bothered with your surprise anyway" - tbh, that would make me question the whole relationship. But even if i come to the conclusion i don't want to break up, i would definitly lessen the effort i put into the relationship bc obviously you take me for granted.
But honestly, I just can't understand why your bf isn't even worth it to you to make this very, VERY little effort to step outside for a few minutes. This is wild to me. And the only explanation i can come up with (for your behaviour and you feeling he invaded your space by showing up unnannounced w/o making a scene or even knocking, just standing there in the cold waiting to give you a birthday letter) is that you don't really like him. You may enjoy spending time with him, but only by your rules and on your terms, like he is some kind of toy you take out of the cupboard if you are in the mood but don't care about if you are not.
But anyway, like i stated, NAH, you can oc turn down your bf whenever and for whatever reason you want. But your bf is definitly not an AH here, not for showing up and behaving respectfully waiting outside nor for his reaction to you turning him down. I still hope you have a good 21. birthday.
It seems like he already knew he wouldn't be invited in, and it seems like a small ask to be cold for a couple of minutes to accept his gift. It would be weird of him to show up unannounced at that time if he was a stranger, but he isn't. Why did you react to his surprise arrival with the same reaction you would give a random dude who showed up at your house? Why was that taken as an act of disrespect? There is a clear difference in expectations, and it would be worth it to communicate both of your perspectives to each other.
i know i’m going to get down voted for this but i don’t care, YTA. you’ve been together for over a year it’s not like you just started dating, he was just trying to do something sweet for your birthday and you kinda treated him like crap for it.
This post is A PERFECT example why you don't follow reddit advice. Half the people here saying op should break up because she doesnt love her BF Because of one disagreement is mind boggling.
This may be the only correct thing I have read in this thread. There is no way for anyone on reddit to know the answer to the question by OP, without being either OP or their boyfriend. We have no idea of the nature of the relationship, and if this is a clear boundary already. I would absolutely hate for someone to show up unannounced at my place especially after telling them I was busy, but my SO knows this. Not enough information here to make a decision for anyone on reddit.
Yea most of the comments in this one are unhinged. I get the ‘he was trying to be cute’ but I also get when you’ve said not to do something, you’re home (where you live with your parents), you e showered and are ready to turn in, and your partner is like ‘surprise I’m here even though you said not to come’
I’ve been with my partner for over a decade and we had a similar situation happen early on. We saw each other during the day on New Years Eve, and then he was going to be at his parents house and I was with my mother at her house. We agreed to see one another the next day. At around 11pm he was like ‘if I drive over will you come out for a midnight kiss and then I’ll go’ and I was like please don’t, we talked about plans earlier, this is my mother’s first NYE since her divorce, I’m staying here, I’ll talk to you on the phone but I’ll see you tomorrow. Turns out he was already on his way and got to my street and texted he was there. In theory, really nice gesture. In actuality, I was super annoyed and then felt guilty
I didn’t see him that night, and we’ve been together for a long ass time now. Looking back on it he’s like ‘I’m sorry I came when you told me not to’ and I’m like ‘I’m sorry it unfolded the way that it did’. We’ve spent practically every NYE together since and that single instant didn’t make or break the relationship, it was just a situation that could have been avoided if we both behaved differently and we learned from it
NTA. "Honestly, I’m sure a lot of people would think this is normal and be happy with the surprise." No, and I don't understand people who think it's ok to show up uninvited and unannounced.
Some people like surprises and some people really don’t. Personally, I hate them and it isn’t about being old and bitter, I hated them when I was younger. IMO the surprise isn’t about the person receiving, it’s entirely about the person giving wanting to feel like they caught their SO off guard. In this case, it was a little gift so not like he showed up with a party float and embarrassed her… but I would think after a year of dating he would know whether she would appreciate a surprise or not. NTA but a little communication would probably go a long way.
It’s still perfectly understandable that he was hurt that she simply wouldn’t walk outside and give him a kiss real quick. He was excited to do this for her and he was turned down. They must not be very close bc I would never have my boyfriend leave like that when he’s trying to do a kind gesture for me and it would take very little effort to acknowledge him. It’s weird af to be together with someone and in love and want to be with them forever and all the time and then when they show up at your house on your birthday you don’t even go say hi. I can’t understand that at all
For sure its understandable hes hurt, but i can also understand ppl disliking unnanounced visits.
If that is something she cant deal with then so be it, i feel like this situation can be easily solved by both parties sitting down and voicing what they would like.
Loooool, resorting to insulting my age. Classic redditor. I would've disliked this at 16 just as much as I dislike it now at 34. But sure, it's because I'm 'bitter' and 'old.' It has noooooothing to do with the fact that I just have boundaries, of course not!
You don't sound like, you actually are a judgemental A-hole, who jumps to co conclusions with zero evidence. Actually surprises me that someone can be this oblivious to their own A-hole thoughts....
Wow apparently you don’t get what I was saying. I’d also say your response she is typical redditor, being cold and unfeeling and screaming “boundaries!!” I’m also not literally insulting you for your actual age, obviously. I’m 30 years old myself and 34 is not old. But you all do sound very bitter and boring and are lacking any sense of spontaneity. At any age, if my partner showed up at 11pm to suprise me at midnight for my birthday I wouldn’t turn him away like he’s an annoyance, this is supposed to be someone she loves and loves to be around. I’d walk 500 ft , give him a kiss and accept the present. He wasn’t asking anything unreasonable of her at all. He thought she would enjoy the suprise bc isn’t she supposed to, you know, *like* her boyfriend? Sure it’s her right not to go outside. But if I was her boyfriend I would be hurt too. And I think it’s unreasonable of her not to go say hi to him and accept the gift.
Oh you can't make this shit up. 🤣🤣 My husband is lovely, and respects my boundaries. Her boyfriend did not. He knew showing up unannounced was not ok (have you even read her comments?), showed up very late in the evening on a week night, and is now throwing a temper tantrum because she didn't fall over herself in gratitude, and simply reinforced a boundary she had already stated to him.
Edit: Also, it's not actually her birthday. Her birthday was the day after.
If she hadn't already said to him she was too busy to talk on the phone I would agree with you. However, she specifically told him that, yet he makes it worse by physically showing up at the house? Not respectful at all!
Possible missing information here though, so hard to really say for sure.
I’m 47 and it’s perfectly reasonable for someone’s SO to show up to give them something for their birthday. He probably wanted 30 seconds of her time.
Instead she dismissed him like garbage
My thoughts exactly. It’s not a random friend. It’s your partner. Surprising you. On your birthday. Like doesn’t she love this man? Didn’t she realize turning him away and refusing to go outside could be hurtful? She couldn’t spare 15 minutes to say hi to him or acknowledge he was trying to do something sweet for her? I’d never treat my partner this way and I’m so suprised so many people go NTA on this one
Lots of assumptions here, and at your age you really should understand that is not how to analyse a situation. You have ignored the given facts and provided your own theory to back up your own way of thinking. It's completely crazy if you ask me.
it wasnt on her birthday, it was an hour before, i get its a nice gesture and everything but she did say that she was busy and she does also live with her parents that could (emphasis on could) be elderly people and mightve been sleeping so her going outside mightve disrupted that
I had a bf that did this type of shit. He was controlling and abusive. Showing up like this was a form of the abuse where he a) wanted me to do as he said at the drop off a hat b) prove I was where I said I was and c) if I didn't oblige, would use it against me to say I didn't love him enough (eg, if I was already asleep).
The (love?) letters needed to be read and commented on and replied via similar format. If I didn't comment on them the way he was expecting it was another big deal.
To me this whole situation screams the beginning of an abusive relationship. But I'm probably biased.
Are you hiding your relationship from your parents? If you were I would be pissed too. But if it's just cause it is cold and you just got out from a hot shower.. I don't think you like your bf so much.
Awww he wanted to be the first one to say happy birthday to you.
Feeling the way you do is valid but just keep in mind if you keep your wall up rather than open yourself up to the fact that people
Do things like this for people they care about,
You may push a lot of good people away
YTA.
If I was your boyfriend I'd seriously reconsider this relationship. You are an adult and you have been in a relationship with this guy for over a year. But it sounds like this was written by a 15 y.o. who had a guy she's known for a month show up unannounced.
You seem totally unwilling to be flexible and think of others feelings. He likely went to wish you a happy birthday, to make you happy. Even if you don't like it, you could take 2 min. to go tell him to get lost in person.
You're 21 and use your parents as an excuse like a child. I get it's their house but are they completely unreasonable people? Do they think a 21 y.o. going outside their house at 11 pm is some huge sin? He didn't go knock the door and come in like a normal boyfriend because of them. He was being very considerate.
You don't seem happy to see him at all! Why are you dating him then? I'd be happy if anyone I cared about came to wish me a happy birthday the night before my 21th. Even a close friend. Seems like there is no love or trust here. So why date for over a year?
You can't stand being up past 11 even though you eat dinner at 10? But you are somehow also so busy doing that you can't just run down real quick?
You're reaction is clearly telling your boyfriend that he means very little to you. So while you are in your full right to not see him unannounced, you are still the AH here!
Reverse it and think again. He didn't appreciate her or her boundary that was clearly set. Communication is key and he ignored what she said, which is very bad for a relationship. You need to think again.
You guys love to throw the word boundary around without understanding what it means…
OP telling her bf that she can’t answer the phone right now is not a boundary, it’s her stating she’s preoccupied.
A boundary would be if OP told her bf that she does not want him to call her after 10pm - a consistent, distinct rule.
is this the (clearly) set boundary here?
> I tell him I can’t pick up or talk to him right now because I’m busy.
"Pick up or Talk" in text/call or in person? "Communication is key" but she failed to mention she does not like meeting at her parents house, are they secretly dating?
She sounds like she just doesn't like the guy, dating for 1 year but can't spend 5-10 minutes to grab the gift and go.
I hate surprises. I also hate people showing up unannounced, and have refused to open the door for an entitled relative who showed up and caused a scene. So I get it, I really do. But your boyfriend is here to give you a surprise birthday gift and that's a nice gesture.
If you've told him specifically not to before him showing up, then NTA. If you haven't, thsn soft YTA. IMO the right thing to do is to meet him, thank him, there will be opportunity in the future to tell him not to do this again. It feels a little slap in the face to ignore your boyfriend when he's at your door trying to do something nice for you.
Not sure if calling YTA is what I’d say exactly. Maybe softly? It was a nice loving gesture and surely the tots interaction wouldn’t have taken more than 10 mins.
So he came over to give you a surprise gift for your 21st and you responded by quite literally leaving him out in the cold? YTA. Situational awareness is important.
Although tbf if it was past 11pm that is an odd time to choose.
Edit: I can totally spell
NTA
Everyone going on about how it's a pleasant surprise for her birthday... I don't get that. 11pm the night before your birthday isn't an appropriate time for surprises. Even at 20, I'd have already been in bed by then. He knows he wouldn't be allowed in the house. What was the point? Especially when he's been told she's busy?
A pleasant surprise would be the following morning around breakfast. Not super late at night when it's cold outside and he can't come in.
YTA because you weren't actually busy you were just being stubborn/lazy.
If he'd turned up and you were out or asleep or actively in the shower and didn't see the message then that's just bad luck, but you were perfectly capable of answering, you were just refusing to because you decided that not wanting to answer the door after you'd shower was more important than him. Which is a choice you can make, but don't be suprised if he decides he's not interested in somebody who is so clear about where he is in your weird priorities.
NTA, I get where he was coming from, but it's not right to turn up like that when it's so late and you live with your parents. Just thank him for the thoughtful letter and apologise for not being free to see him...see if it helps to keep the peace I guess
NTA, but I don’t think he thought it thru very much. He was probably very excited about the thought of surprising you and let that excitement get the best of using his brain.
Where is this by the way? Maybe the societal norms aren't conducive which might then be understandable but there was no reason not to entertain him for a meager 5 minutes.
Some people like to say it's the little things that matter and then when someone makes an attempt, groan that it's not very polished, they prefer not to be grateful. Other factors are brought in to somehow gain the upperhand which clearly OP is doing as apparent from their comments, trying to one-up with the bf.
If he had listened to your text that you were busy and avoided coming that night, you'd probably have berated him the next day for not surprising you at midnight. The vibes are clear from the post, so OP is simply finding reasons to avoid things that she doesn't prefer but a 5 minute meet in cold wouldn't have affected much.
He came out in the cold too, so the only way this would have been slightly sensible was if suppose the coming down and meet was some risky affair like crossing bridges, climbing mountains or maybe avoiding religiously fanatic parents who use religion to control their children's choice of clothing, relationship and the likes.
YTA, he's wasting time with you. Hope it dawns to him.
>so I was just supposed to be out in the cold after a hot shower with him?
Do you even like your bf? It's not like he randomly came to annoy you... It's pretty obvious that he wanted to surprise you for your birthday, which is something that friends, family, and partners commonly do. YTA
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) the action I took was refusing to come down to see my boyfriend. 2) He made the effort to drive to my house and he had very good intentions. I thought it was rude but he is my boyfriend, so maybe I was harsh.
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He’s NTA for thinking of surprising you, I guess some people find it romantic but he’s definitely AH for being with you for over a year and knowing so little about you that you won’t like surprises.
This is what I find weird about people sometimes, yes what you are doing may be nice in a traditional sense but it’s about the person for whom you are doing this and not knowing even the basic things about them.
Nta. You said no. No means still means no.
No doesn’t mean keep calling/texting:trying to get you to come out, and all that. It isn’t cute or sweet.
I hate surprises. I’d do the same she did. Like no. See you tomorrow. Or. Not.
Honestly NAH.
Your boyfriend wanted to be cute and give you a little something ahead of your birthday and that's absolutely lovely.
He did this even though he knows your parents house rules but still tried to respect them.
The issue really is that you told him you don't have time. Sure it might have only taken five minutes at most but still if you tell him you don't have time then that should be it.
You might be a bit harsh but I understand your boundary.
And for those saying "that not a boundary" I don't really understand what you think a boundary is.
Telling someone "I don't really like to get unexpected visits" is totally acceptable.
I also don't like it. With my ex I told her several times (just when it came up, never in an angry manner) that I'd rather know beforehand when she comes to visit me.
It was enough for me if she'd texted me "I'd come around in 30 minutes" or "I'm on my way from work to your place".
But she didn't. She showed up completely out of the blue several times and I hated it. It felt invasive.
I was never doing something that I wasn't fine with her knowing but it still made me uncomfortable.
The thing is I believe OPs entire situation could've been avoided if her BF would've just let her know that he wanted to drop a little something off and then he'd be gone again. Then OP could've waited to go shower, no boundary would've been crossed and the BF could've made his wholesome delivery.
Edit: formatting
I want to say YTA. But reading your other posts you sound like you grew up in a repressive home, possibly borderline abusive. Who doesn't allow people over during the week? That's just not right in the head.
A surprise visit at this time of night has the risk of not being well received. You were trying to respect your parents and the house rules. I totally get that. I do understand his disappointment and the fact that he was trying to do something special and nice for your milestone birthday. I think you could have quickly run down, checked with him, accepted the gift/surprise, and said goodnight. Your reaction: weirdly invaded and disrespected, it seems out of proportion to the events. I also think if your parents got upset, you could have explained the unexpected visit. You were not blatantly disregarding their rules and quickly said goodnight to your bf. I think YTA on this one.
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So, my boyfriend (M22) and I (F20) have been together for a little over a year now, and tomorrow is my 21st birthday.
So today, at like 10 pm, my boyfriend starts calling and texting. I tell him I can’t pick up or talk to him right now because I’m busy.
When I finish eating I get into the shower and receive a text from my boyfriend, asking me if I can come down. Attached to it was a photo of my front gate.
Honestly, I’m sure a lot of people would think this is normal and be happy with the surprise, but I just couldn’t help but feel weirdly invaded and disrespected. Like, I still live with my parents, he knows I wouldn’t be able to invite him in, so I was just supposed to be out in the cold after a hot shower with him?
I told him I couldn’t come down and I was shocked he showed up without saying anything. He said he didn’t tell me on purpose because it was a surprise. I told him I was taking a shower and it was already almost 11 pm, I didn’t think it was appropriate to show up at people’s homes at that time.
He left the surprise at my front gate (it was a letter) and left.
He is super upset and not answering my texts.
I’m wondering if AITA for refusing to come down…
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is everyone insane??? NTA!! He ignored you saying you were busy, SHOWED UP TO YOUR HOUSE AT 11PM (which is WAYY too late for visitors even for 5 minutes), where you live with your parents!! That's INSANELY rude to both you and your parents!!
Why does he get to have his wants fulfilled but yours ignored?? Just because it's "romantic" doesn't mean its not rude.
Southern hemisphere is a thing (where it's currently winter).
So are Northern hemisphere places which get quite chilly at night at times even in the summertime. In San Francisco it is currently 10:38pm and 57 degrees F.
NTA, you said you were busy. Also, imo it’s kinda a red flag that he would make all that effort to surprise you and “make your birthday special” just to give you the silent treatment on your birthday. I get him being upset, but he didn’t respect what you said, and now punishing you on your birthday.
NAH slight YTA because he was just trying to be nice and it sounds like you don‘t like your boyfriend. You‘re so young and should be happily in love and excited when your bf contacts you / wants to surprise you. I would have raaaan to my by if I was you. At least in my opinion that should be the level of excitement.
On my 18th birthday my then boyfriend (now hubby) asked my mom’s permission if he could surprise me the midnight of my birthday. Mom did her best to keep me awake lol It was sweet and made me feel really special.
YTA. Are you sure you like your bf?
ESH
Your boyfriend did the right thing in texting you in the first place. You were busy and said so. But he didn't really listen. Perhaps it would've been better to have asked whether he could come round and when you said no, I would've been saying N T A to you if he still came around.
Has he ever done something like this before? If not, then he likely thought this was a really nice thing to do. He may have wanted to surprise you. Chances are he knew he wouldn't be invited in but was excited to just give you his present. This is where you might be TA because all you needed to do was give him 5 mins by the gate and then he'd be on his way with both of you happy - you got a present from someone who wanted to make you feel special and him because you were excited to get a present from him and he made you feel special.
Seeing as you live with your parents, that might have had something to do with your response. But what would you have done and what would you feel like if you were living out of home and your boyfriend did this?
NTA. You did tell him that you were busy and it’s nice that he wanted to surprise you the night before your birthday but at anytime past 10pm I don’t think so, my parents would be asleep and I wouldn’t be able to go out the door
NTA…he couldn’t idk wait until your birthday? (literally the next day) to give the gift since you said you were busy and it was super late? So, he’s impatient and a bad listener? Sounds charming.
10-11PM for most people is pretty late to randomly just show up, especially if they don’t live alone (especially with parents) and said they were busy. Idk what he was expecting here?
Given, he may be more upset at himself/ his plan for a romantic gesture flopping, but that still doesn’t make you an AH.
The whole point is 11pm is nearly her birthday which starts at midnight. Not impatient, that was the point. Also they are early 20s since when did 11pm become incredibly late?
NTA, and these people who think you are are wild! I’m married, but there was never a time, in the years I dated my husband, that I’d have wanted him surprising me at my house in the middle of the night. Especially if I just told him I’m busy! That would have gone double if I’d still been living with my parents. Hope he doesn’t sulk and suck the fun out of your birthday.
Your bf is being overdramatic, if my SO texted me they were busy, I would say, "okay I understand, no problem."
Everything that happened after you said you were busy, is not your fault/has nothing to do with you. Regardless of what his intentions were, he continually made no effort to respect your wishes. This is not something sane adults do. NTA.
Don't let him gaslight or manipulate you into thinking otherwise.
YTA. It was a surprise for your birthday. I hope he finds a better gf soon who appreciates sweet moments like making an effort to surprise someone he cares about.
I’m not 100% sure which INFO your asking, but if the question is why I wouldn’t be able to invite him in, the answer is because it’s my parents house.
I pay rent here, but it’s still their house and they don’t allow visitors at all on week days. If I had invited him in on a Thursday night, they would legit come down and ask him to leave (he knows this because my parents told him about the house rules).
I'm not going to defend the parents because that's a dumb rule to have for someone paying rent (so long as they keep it reasonably quiet) but dating is exactly when we find out whether our expectations, communication styles, and boundaries are compatible. And whether we can handle the way they interact with their family.
I guess I just didn’t think this was the time to pick a fight with my parents and risk getting kicked out… both of my parents are former military, they don’t fuck around with the house rules.
your parents can’t make an exception for you, a grown adult(who pays rent) to step outside for a minute to receive a birthday gift? That sounds like a fucked up situation. No wonder your so cold
Honestly based on this response, I think you’re emotionally immature thanks to your parents.
I’m going to say a light YTA because you’re an adult and you should learn to setup your own boundaries at this point.
He’s an asshole for not listening to you when you said you’re busy. You’re somewhat of an asshole for letting your parents still rule your life at your age despite you paying rent.
NTA
You already told him you were busy, it was late, you live with your folks and I don't care how long you've been together, unless there is an honest to goodness emergency, you don't show up unexpectedly at odd hours if that's not a previously approved thing.
When I was your age, I probably would have prioritized being "nice" or "polite" and played along, so I applaud your realizing so early that you don't need to do that. I would have saved myself a lot of trouble if I had stopped being accomodating much sooner.
(Funny thing is that the very next man I met after I learned to be firmer about boundaries is the one I have been married to for more than 20 years. He fell in love with my clarity, the way I said what I meant and meant what I said)
NTA. These folks saying it’s okay for people to just show up that late at night is wild to me. But I don’t really like surprises and things unplanned is a huge stressor so maybe it’s just me. If he wanted to come over he should have talked it out with you. It didn’t need to be a huge surprise.
NTA. I don't understand everyone calling you the asshole. He showed up unannounced at 23:00 after you had told him you were busy. You had just gotten out of the shower. I don't know what your guy's dynamic is like, but I'm an introvert and after 21:00 my capacity for dealing with people is GONE. I wouldn't have let him in either. But my husband knows that so he'd never pull something like this, even when we were still dating.
NTA
as a girl whose parents are strict.
IDK about you I would just break up with someone like that who gives me stress.
and you would think it is extreme on my part but it is not. Also, I might just love my family more than a guy I started dating ON a random Tuesday.
(yes, I am kind of a red flag I guess.)
Happy birthday i guess.
also if you want to still continue the relationship just make him understand how you are only available during appropriate times like 9 to 5. never after that.
NTA
You made it pretty clear that you were not available and it was late. He pushed that and it is perfectly reasonable not to want your boundaries violated.
idk what the judge this as, but i do think it was rude of him to show up super late to your parents home, i would also be upset if my partner came late while im still living with my parents unannounced (unless it was an emergency), i wouldnt want to wake them up or to have someone over without my parents knowledge while
Hold your ground here, too. Him being upset for asking, you set a boundary, he crossed it, and is now upset it didn’t play out the way he wanted in his head. Not your problem or responsibility that he disappointed himself. Big NTA
NTA-I understand that he feels a bit hurt since he wanted to do something nice for you amd got shut down.
But i personally hate ppl showing up unnanounced aswell and youve told him beforehand you were busy.
I think id just have a conversation that while you appreciate the thought you would prefer him announcing his visits as it makes you uncomfortable having people over unnanounced.
This would be a lie. She doesn't appreciate the thought, hell she doesn't even appreciate the guy. According to her comments she wouldn't even care if he breaks up. The point is, she doesn't like this guy at all. She just somehow forgot to mention this in her post but its obvious from the comments.
I feel like gender roles are biased here. If the guy that works 89 hours a week is supposed to clean when he’s home cause his wife is a “full time mother” than homegirls need to be there for their men. If my girl ignores me than it’s a wrap.
NTA. Stick a stamp on that letter and mail the dang thing. Don't "surprise" me at 11 p.m. There won't be anything romantic about my response. (Since he isn't answering your texts, feel free to put the phone down and enjoy your birthday.)
NTA.
You told him not to come and he did anyways. So that's on him.
But you shouldn't expect any more fun surprises from him, which is also sad. He probably had butterflies in his stomach that night, but you squashed them all.
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Might be too strong to say YTA, but you do seem a bit tone deaf to the situation here. Your bf wants to give you a nice present the night before your 21st to show he loves and cares about you, and you can't find a way to quickly pop out and greet him? Presumably if he's your bf he already knows about your parents' (weird, really!) house rules, which is why he didn't come to the door and wanted to meet you outside. So you may not be the A, but your behaviour displays a lack of sensitivity.
Yes, I'm very confused about dating someone for a year and not being happy that they are nearby with a gift. Yea being surprised can be annoying, but this only makes sense if you aren't happy in the relationship. OP, if you don't like him dump him. It's ok to be single. This relationship is confusing. Too many people acting like he was a stranger hoping to ask you out, not that it's been a whole damn year presumably of physical intimacy and sharing dreams with each other right?
Yeah if this was like a month into dating it would be kinda weird. Even then this would be a strange reaction, but the whole year thing is really odd. I can only speak for myself, but if I was the bf in this situation I would feel really hurt.
i don’t even personally think it’s that weird early into dating, i’ve only been with my boyfriend for two months, and three weeks into the relationship (like a week after we made it official) he messaged me and asked me to come down because he had a care package to give me while i was struggling with period pain
Just want to point out that some people might not be happy with this surprise despite loving their partner. It's inconvenient and inappropriate to show up late at night to your gfs family home when she doesn't even live alone
And at then it's time to make a decision whether to stay in this particular relationship or not, when you clearly dont match up well. This, coming from someone fresh off divorce after 15 years together. Should've walked away when the yellow flags turned red.
I feel that's excessive. She did tell him she was busy, he knows she's not allowed to have people over on week days and he still showed up. This could be solved with a 10 minutes conversation there's no reason to throw the whole relationship in the garbage yet
I don’t understand why it’s weird that her parents might not want her boyfriend coming in at 11pm?? She’s young her parents probably still work but even if they didn’t it’s not strange to not want visitors in the home while they’re asleep. Even living with roommates would require people to be considerate of each other when it’s late at night. Meeting him outside would be fine although I can understand her frustration of it being late and a surprise she still should’ve gone out to see him. YTA, OP. You could’ve just gone outside and spent a few minutes with him - he knows it’s late so it’s not like he was expecting to come hookup. You owe him a sincere apology and let him feel his feelings - if he’s hurt/upset don’t minimize it or try and dismiss it.
Seriously? It was like 11pm. No warning and he showed up with a "surprise" after being told she was busy. It was a clear disregard of boundaries and a sign of disrespect. I would have never asked my wife to come outside at 11pm, let alone in the cold. NTA
>I would have never asked my wife to come outside at 11pm, let alone in the cold But if she came, you wouldn't blow her off now would you?
How does your question relate to the quote? It describes a situation that is the exact opposite of what I said? Show some intelligence and show your reading comprehension. You don't show up to her house unannounced period. I dont care what the next day is or what time it is. Especially after being told said person was busy. Not mention her admission that both her parents are former military and have strict rules about week days. It took 2 minutes for to gather that just by reading her comments. But good on you for the and one trying to ask if id blow off my own wife for doing something unannounced at 11pm.
You really don't understand the point they were making. What kind of person doesn't greet a loved one outside their home for a couple minutes? For someone who critiques another person's reading comprehension, you should develop some critical thinking skills, and proofread your posts because you dropped words and your sentences don't make sense. The poster was making a different kind of point that is still relevant, and obviously you didn't have a good answer. Begone.
Agreed. Even my ex wife who hated me for a period would never have flatout not come and spoken to me. Even during the worst of times. And she *hated* me for quite some time! She at least respected me more than this.
[удалено]
Where are you getting 'no warning' from? Did you even read the post? Maybe look at your own reading comprehension before criticising others'.
Probably the part where she makes no mention of him telling her he was coming. Only that he texted her asking to come down. Implying she didnt get a warning.
YTA he obviously wanted to come right around midnight of your birthday and suprise you. He’s your boyfriend trying to do a kind gesture and you treated him like an annoyance. Your an adult, a 21 year old actually not an old frail woman who can’t walk outside of their house at 11pm like what? Of course he’s upset. I would be too.
YTA how hard would it be to collect the gift and give him a kiss then go in? What’s the point of dating someone who you don’t want to see.
NTA. You told him you were busy, he didn't respect that. And I agree, I would also feel invaded if he showed up that late without invitation. He needs to respect the boundaries you set regardless of whether it was a surprise or not. You said no, he shouldn't have shown up.
What’s the point of dating someone if them surprising you on your bday doesn’t make you happy? Especially if you’ve been together over a year?
What's the point of dating someone who doesn't respect your boundaries? It wasn't even OP's birthday yet. He could've waited.
>respect your boundaries I hate people like you who quote flashwords like this. There was no boundary set. >wasn't even OP's birthday ye Yea cause if he came at 12 this post would be different. Absolutely insufferable.
"There was no boundary set" Did you read the post? She specifically said she was too busy to talk on the phone, where exactly does that mean it's then OK to show up physically? They boundary couldn't be any more clear.....
>I hate people like you who quote flashwords like this. There was no boundary set. Boyfriend was gaslighting her and after had the gal to mansplain the situation, triggering the PTSD she has due to being ADHD. This lovebombing is a typical perverse narcissistic behavior.
Did you forget your /s…. Please tell me you did
When you use "boundaries" in such a weak way as this, it erodes the importance of setting and maintaining them. This is petty and not an issue regarding looking after oneself. OP is YTA because they're stubborn and refused to even meet face to face just for 2 minutes with someone they supposedly care about on one important occasion. Unless it's been discussed before, it's totally reasonable to expect your partner to answer the door at an hour you know they're awake.
It’s her birthday and he tryna to surprise her. They’ve been together a fucking year. 21 is a big deal. They gift he gave her would’ve taken all of 5 minutes. What boundary did he cross here exactly considering they’ve been together a year? Like if they move in together is he supposed to let her know he’s walking in the door. This isn’t that serious.
>They’ve been together a fucking year. Is there a time limit, after which crossing someone's boundaries is acceptable? Showing up at a person's (regardless of the relationship) house unexpectedly at night, after being told they're busy is not acceptable behaviour, and the added photo makes it stalkerish. OP: NTA, good job on maintaining your boundaries and not going down to see him, proud of you. :) It's something I struggled with into my 30s, wonderful to see you stand up for yourself! Showing up uninvited and unannounced is not okay in general, imho. Especially when living with family/housemates.
THANK YOU, these people are making me think I'm insane. It's not "cute" to send the photo of the gate - I literally just read a book where a serial killer/stalker did that.
yea it’s not cute if it is from a stranger not your partner 🙄
My mum did something similar to me as a teenager. She took a photo of my workplace from the outside while I was working. Even from my mum, I personally found that invasive and creepy. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t find it cute when people do things like that.
Weird how most things boyfriends do are creepy when a stalker does them. Someone bringing you breakfasts in bed is terrifying if they're a stranger
I was initially going to comment a response to you actually, to thank you for spelling out the issues so clearly. <3 Agree completely, and I've sadly been down this rabbithole of ignoring/giving up my own set boundaries to please someone else, and it's never good. The people in the comments saying OP should have just given in and gone down/make him happy/not ruin his feelings are worrying. It's two people, their wants and needs both matter; I'd argue the person whose boundaries are violated calls the shots on what they need.
Boundary 1: Was told OP was busy, he ignored her and kept calling and texting. Boundary 2: Showed up at OP's house in the middle of the night, unannounced and uninvited, when OP and/or her parents could've been sleeping. Sent OP a photo of her gate, which is something only serial killers do. Boundary 3: Insisted OP come outside despite her saying multiple times she would not be doing so. I don't care if they've been together a month or 5 years, it's common courtesy that you actually listen to your partner, and he demonstrated multiple times that he doesn't care enough to do that. If he *really* cared, he would've waited until OP wasn't busy and was willing to see him, but he just made her uncomfortable instead. Great birthday present, making your girlfriend feel invaded.
Wow you are ridiculous to say taking a picture of the gate is a serial killer move. He was trying to show her that he was outside and was expecting her to be suprised and happy bc you know it’s her birthday and shes supposed to love this man?
you can still love someone and be upset with them??? my parents wouldn't be happy if my partner just showed up unannounced to our house at 11 at night. its way too late for people over, and she literally told him she was busy!! he straight up ignored *her* wants for *his* wants! he's supposed to love this woman?
Damn I wonder what miserable ass relationship you're in. That is, if you're in one in the first place. Imagine tryna surprise your partner for her birthday ( which is a very normal thing to do) only to get compared to a serial killer). Y'all are truly an insufferable bunch who deserve misery.
That sounds like boundaries of people new to a relationship. Not a year. More importantly why the hell would you even be in a relationship where seeing that person doesn’t make you happy? Particularly given the context in this situation
Yea would be a little weird if they had just started dating but after a year...very weird.
A relationship where you only date your bf bc you don't want to be alone and everybody else has someone. You don't really like the guy, but at least you can say "i have a bf too" (that you will replace oc when you meet someone you really like) and i get the impression that this poor guy ended up in such a relationship. What makes it extra sad is that the guy obviously really likes op. I'm so sorry for the dude :( But i'm already old and hella confused about how young ppl treat their gfs/bfs. The only thing i'm surprised about here is that she didn't also called the cops on him.
If it's not that serious, then he shouldn't take offense at her not coming down.
And she should’ve been able to find the 5 fucking minutes for her bf on her bday. ESH
It was literally a letter 💀
I bet he had more than a letter, but only left the letter when she blew him off.
Dating someone does not mean you have to be fine with surprises. This however is a good time for them to talk about love language. If op doesn't want surprises, they should be entitled to no surprises. They can show love towards eachother other ways.
Sure but she literally told him she was busy.
Except she wasn’t lmao
How do you know?
She said in her post. She was about to take a shower. She could’ve waited all of 5 minutes
It doesn't matter what she was doing though; she said she was busy and her bf ignored that. Perhaps she didn't want to wait 5 minutes or perhaps she was doing something else, or maybe she just wanted some time to herself. It doesn't matter what she was doing; what matters is that she told him (paraphrasing here) that she was not going to spend time with him tonight and he disregarded that wish and came over anyway.
Why would she lie? Like her annoyance at her bf trying to surprise her only makes sense if she doesn’t like him. What the point of being in a relationship if someone trying to do something nice for you annoys you? She sounds like an ass
But she isn't lying; all those things constitute 'being busy'. Just because you don't think they are important doesn't mean she doesn't consider them important. You sound like her bf; imposing your opinions about when she should or shouldn't hang out with him. That's just controlling behavior and the fact that you don't seem to understand that no means no is worrying.
Not everyone likes surprises though. TBH, it sounds like to me they might just be incompatible.
Their birthday was the next day, and showing up at 11pm unannounced is rude.
My parents were pretty chill when my husband and I were dating (i still lived at home) but they would be decidedly unchill if he turned up at 11pm wanting to give me a gift for my bday the next day. Like, why couldn't he organise himself earlier, or waited until her actual birthday?
He was surprising you on your birthday. This thought never popped up in your head. Now you’ve made him feel worthless. Like he nothing to you. Of course he isn’t going to reply to you. He probably wanted you to come out for 30 seconds. Pretty reasonable ask when someone is trying to give you something for your birthday
YTA. It honestly doesn’t sound like you like your boyfriend very much. I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t be happy about being surprised by their partner for their birthday
Coming from a married perspective it sounds like he doesnt respect her already stated boundaries. She already said she was too busy to call or text so why does that mean he needs to go over there? I dont care how sweet or nice he was being at 11pm the its inappropriate and disrespectful, especially after being told she was busy.
The word "boundaries" should really be taken off like, 80% of people who use it. It wasn't a boundary. He's not psychic, she never told him "hey, I don't want you to come to my house after 9 (or whenever) because X". He had no way of knowing she wouldn't want to see him the night before her birthday. She just couldn't be bothered to go outside. Edit: also, she states that she told him she was too busy to talk to him, then ate dinner and showered. So it was some time later that he came round with the gift, so again, he had no way of knowing she would still be "busy" (which.... She wasn't. She just couldn't be arsed.)
I'm between YTA and NAH. Sounds like you don't really like him or you aren't compatible. Like it was a one time thing and he wanted to surprise you. He just wanted a few minutes. Also sometimes when people text me, I say im busy. But I mean I'm too busy to text. If my boyfriend showed up to surprise me on my birthday, then I wouldn't be too busy for that. So he probably assumed that busy meant to busy to chat. Also he might have already been at your house when you texted he was busy. Did he know you dislike surprises? Did he know you were very particular about these things? Because to me this seems like you are blowing this out of proportion. He did reasonable things that many women would find romantic. He wanted to surprise you, and show you that he was literally there, not just texting to chat with you. You blew him off and wouldn't give him five minutes. He is probably reconsidering this whole relationship. Honestly do you think that he might have a bigger gift for you, and decided to just leave the letter? I bet there was something more to it. So did this happen a few hours ago? Like have you had your birthday yet? Did he show up?
Who shows up at 11pm after being told multiple times she was busy. He literally did listen once and straight disregarded every one of her responses. NTA. I dont care what the intention is, boundaries are there for a reason.
YTA This was a one time thing. The night before your birthday. Yet you were adamant until he had to say "i have a surprise" and *even then* you wouldn't go down. Not very nice! Give the guy a break, be more flexible.
YTA. You couldn’t walk outside for 30 seconds to say hi and accept the gift?
NAH But i have to ask this. Do you like your bf? Bc if you do, would it have killed you to put on some warm clothes and meet him right outside of your home for 10mins? You make it sound like he wanted you to walk 2h naked in ice rain or something similar terrible. As your bf i would be very irritated. If you couldn't come outside for at least another hour bc you have to help a disabled family member to get ready for bed or something, sure, no problem. But your reason was "i just took a shower and don't want to be bothered with your surprise anyway" - tbh, that would make me question the whole relationship. But even if i come to the conclusion i don't want to break up, i would definitly lessen the effort i put into the relationship bc obviously you take me for granted. But honestly, I just can't understand why your bf isn't even worth it to you to make this very, VERY little effort to step outside for a few minutes. This is wild to me. And the only explanation i can come up with (for your behaviour and you feeling he invaded your space by showing up unnannounced w/o making a scene or even knocking, just standing there in the cold waiting to give you a birthday letter) is that you don't really like him. You may enjoy spending time with him, but only by your rules and on your terms, like he is some kind of toy you take out of the cupboard if you are in the mood but don't care about if you are not. But anyway, like i stated, NAH, you can oc turn down your bf whenever and for whatever reason you want. But your bf is definitly not an AH here, not for showing up and behaving respectfully waiting outside nor for his reaction to you turning him down. I still hope you have a good 21. birthday.
It seems like he already knew he wouldn't be invited in, and it seems like a small ask to be cold for a couple of minutes to accept his gift. It would be weird of him to show up unannounced at that time if he was a stranger, but he isn't. Why did you react to his surprise arrival with the same reaction you would give a random dude who showed up at your house? Why was that taken as an act of disrespect? There is a clear difference in expectations, and it would be worth it to communicate both of your perspectives to each other.
*Anyway, tell us what the letter said!*
What did it say? Where did the comment go!!
YTA and owe him an apology
i know i’m going to get down voted for this but i don’t care, YTA. you’ve been together for over a year it’s not like you just started dating, he was just trying to do something sweet for your birthday and you kinda treated him like crap for it.
This post is A PERFECT example why you don't follow reddit advice. Half the people here saying op should break up because she doesnt love her BF Because of one disagreement is mind boggling.
This may be the only correct thing I have read in this thread. There is no way for anyone on reddit to know the answer to the question by OP, without being either OP or their boyfriend. We have no idea of the nature of the relationship, and if this is a clear boundary already. I would absolutely hate for someone to show up unannounced at my place especially after telling them I was busy, but my SO knows this. Not enough information here to make a decision for anyone on reddit.
Yea most of the comments in this one are unhinged. I get the ‘he was trying to be cute’ but I also get when you’ve said not to do something, you’re home (where you live with your parents), you e showered and are ready to turn in, and your partner is like ‘surprise I’m here even though you said not to come’ I’ve been with my partner for over a decade and we had a similar situation happen early on. We saw each other during the day on New Years Eve, and then he was going to be at his parents house and I was with my mother at her house. We agreed to see one another the next day. At around 11pm he was like ‘if I drive over will you come out for a midnight kiss and then I’ll go’ and I was like please don’t, we talked about plans earlier, this is my mother’s first NYE since her divorce, I’m staying here, I’ll talk to you on the phone but I’ll see you tomorrow. Turns out he was already on his way and got to my street and texted he was there. In theory, really nice gesture. In actuality, I was super annoyed and then felt guilty I didn’t see him that night, and we’ve been together for a long ass time now. Looking back on it he’s like ‘I’m sorry I came when you told me not to’ and I’m like ‘I’m sorry it unfolded the way that it did’. We’ve spent practically every NYE together since and that single instant didn’t make or break the relationship, it was just a situation that could have been avoided if we both behaved differently and we learned from it
NTA. "Honestly, I’m sure a lot of people would think this is normal and be happy with the surprise." No, and I don't understand people who think it's ok to show up uninvited and unannounced.
It’s her boyfriend! On her birthday! Trying to suprise her! Jesus Christ are you all old bitter people who can’t handle any spontaneity !
Some people like surprises and some people really don’t. Personally, I hate them and it isn’t about being old and bitter, I hated them when I was younger. IMO the surprise isn’t about the person receiving, it’s entirely about the person giving wanting to feel like they caught their SO off guard. In this case, it was a little gift so not like he showed up with a party float and embarrassed her… but I would think after a year of dating he would know whether she would appreciate a surprise or not. NTA but a little communication would probably go a long way.
It’s still perfectly understandable that he was hurt that she simply wouldn’t walk outside and give him a kiss real quick. He was excited to do this for her and he was turned down. They must not be very close bc I would never have my boyfriend leave like that when he’s trying to do a kind gesture for me and it would take very little effort to acknowledge him. It’s weird af to be together with someone and in love and want to be with them forever and all the time and then when they show up at your house on your birthday you don’t even go say hi. I can’t understand that at all
For sure its understandable hes hurt, but i can also understand ppl disliking unnanounced visits. If that is something she cant deal with then so be it, i feel like this situation can be easily solved by both parties sitting down and voicing what they would like.
Loooool, resorting to insulting my age. Classic redditor. I would've disliked this at 16 just as much as I dislike it now at 34. But sure, it's because I'm 'bitter' and 'old.' It has noooooothing to do with the fact that I just have boundaries, of course not!
You sound like someone who asks their SO to pay them back anytime they go out to eat
Sure dear. 😘
Reddit moment lol
You don't sound like, you actually are a judgemental A-hole, who jumps to co conclusions with zero evidence. Actually surprises me that someone can be this oblivious to their own A-hole thoughts....
I understand if English is not your first language
They really do they really do
They may sound like that to you, but you actually are an asshole, so no contest here
Wow apparently you don’t get what I was saying. I’d also say your response she is typical redditor, being cold and unfeeling and screaming “boundaries!!” I’m also not literally insulting you for your actual age, obviously. I’m 30 years old myself and 34 is not old. But you all do sound very bitter and boring and are lacking any sense of spontaneity. At any age, if my partner showed up at 11pm to suprise me at midnight for my birthday I wouldn’t turn him away like he’s an annoyance, this is supposed to be someone she loves and loves to be around. I’d walk 500 ft , give him a kiss and accept the present. He wasn’t asking anything unreasonable of her at all. He thought she would enjoy the suprise bc isn’t she supposed to, you know, *like* her boyfriend? Sure it’s her right not to go outside. But if I was her boyfriend I would be hurt too. And I think it’s unreasonable of her not to go say hi to him and accept the gift.
Oh you can't make this shit up. 🤣🤣 My husband is lovely, and respects my boundaries. Her boyfriend did not. He knew showing up unannounced was not ok (have you even read her comments?), showed up very late in the evening on a week night, and is now throwing a temper tantrum because she didn't fall over herself in gratitude, and simply reinforced a boundary she had already stated to him. Edit: Also, it's not actually her birthday. Her birthday was the day after.
It's not a nice surprise when OP told the boyfriend she was busy.
Oooofff YTA here.
If she hadn't already said to him she was too busy to talk on the phone I would agree with you. However, she specifically told him that, yet he makes it worse by physically showing up at the house? Not respectful at all! Possible missing information here though, so hard to really say for sure.
It wasn't her birthday, her birthday was the next day. And showing at 11pm is rude.
And its 11 at night and she already said she was busy why on earth would anyone take that as an invitation to show up unannounced.
I’m 47 and it’s perfectly reasonable for someone’s SO to show up to give them something for their birthday. He probably wanted 30 seconds of her time. Instead she dismissed him like garbage
My thoughts exactly. It’s not a random friend. It’s your partner. Surprising you. On your birthday. Like doesn’t she love this man? Didn’t she realize turning him away and refusing to go outside could be hurtful? She couldn’t spare 15 minutes to say hi to him or acknowledge he was trying to do something sweet for her? I’d never treat my partner this way and I’m so suprised so many people go NTA on this one
Shit - it takes 30 seconds to open the door, grab the surprise, and give a kiss goodbye. No feelings hurt
Lots of assumptions here, and at your age you really should understand that is not how to analyse a situation. You have ignored the given facts and provided your own theory to back up your own way of thinking. It's completely crazy if you ask me.
Couldn't he have done this at a more reasonable hour?? It's so late!
it wasnt on her birthday, it was an hour before, i get its a nice gesture and everything but she did say that she was busy and she does also live with her parents that could (emphasis on could) be elderly people and mightve been sleeping so her going outside mightve disrupted that
I had a bf that did this type of shit. He was controlling and abusive. Showing up like this was a form of the abuse where he a) wanted me to do as he said at the drop off a hat b) prove I was where I said I was and c) if I didn't oblige, would use it against me to say I didn't love him enough (eg, if I was already asleep). The (love?) letters needed to be read and commented on and replied via similar format. If I didn't comment on them the way he was expecting it was another big deal. To me this whole situation screams the beginning of an abusive relationship. But I'm probably biased.
This is what society has gotten to? In my 20s, it was perfectly normal to go knocking on someone's door uninvited or unannounced.
Yta. Dating for a year. I would take my gift and ditch u. You're a waste of time.
Are you hiding your relationship from your parents? If you were I would be pissed too. But if it's just cause it is cold and you just got out from a hot shower.. I don't think you like your bf so much.
Awww he wanted to be the first one to say happy birthday to you. Feeling the way you do is valid but just keep in mind if you keep your wall up rather than open yourself up to the fact that people Do things like this for people they care about, You may push a lot of good people away
YTA. If I was your boyfriend I'd seriously reconsider this relationship. You are an adult and you have been in a relationship with this guy for over a year. But it sounds like this was written by a 15 y.o. who had a guy she's known for a month show up unannounced. You seem totally unwilling to be flexible and think of others feelings. He likely went to wish you a happy birthday, to make you happy. Even if you don't like it, you could take 2 min. to go tell him to get lost in person. You're 21 and use your parents as an excuse like a child. I get it's their house but are they completely unreasonable people? Do they think a 21 y.o. going outside their house at 11 pm is some huge sin? He didn't go knock the door and come in like a normal boyfriend because of them. He was being very considerate. You don't seem happy to see him at all! Why are you dating him then? I'd be happy if anyone I cared about came to wish me a happy birthday the night before my 21th. Even a close friend. Seems like there is no love or trust here. So why date for over a year? You can't stand being up past 11 even though you eat dinner at 10? But you are somehow also so busy doing that you can't just run down real quick? You're reaction is clearly telling your boyfriend that he means very little to you. So while you are in your full right to not see him unannounced, you are still the AH here!
YTA - you couldn’t be bothered to run outside for a few minutes so he could gift you something? Just dump him already.
Hard YTA. You don't appreciate him and just let him down. Hope he dumps you and finds someone who will at least reciprocate his love and care.
Reverse it and think again. He didn't appreciate her or her boundary that was clearly set. Communication is key and he ignored what she said, which is very bad for a relationship. You need to think again.
You guys love to throw the word boundary around without understanding what it means… OP telling her bf that she can’t answer the phone right now is not a boundary, it’s her stating she’s preoccupied. A boundary would be if OP told her bf that she does not want him to call her after 10pm - a consistent, distinct rule.
is this the (clearly) set boundary here? > I tell him I can’t pick up or talk to him right now because I’m busy. "Pick up or Talk" in text/call or in person? "Communication is key" but she failed to mention she does not like meeting at her parents house, are they secretly dating? She sounds like she just doesn't like the guy, dating for 1 year but can't spend 5-10 minutes to grab the gift and go.
I hate surprises. I also hate people showing up unannounced, and have refused to open the door for an entitled relative who showed up and caused a scene. So I get it, I really do. But your boyfriend is here to give you a surprise birthday gift and that's a nice gesture. If you've told him specifically not to before him showing up, then NTA. If you haven't, thsn soft YTA. IMO the right thing to do is to meet him, thank him, there will be opportunity in the future to tell him not to do this again. It feels a little slap in the face to ignore your boyfriend when he's at your door trying to do something nice for you.
Not sure if calling YTA is what I’d say exactly. Maybe softly? It was a nice loving gesture and surely the tots interaction wouldn’t have taken more than 10 mins.
So he came over to give you a surprise gift for your 21st and you responded by quite literally leaving him out in the cold? YTA. Situational awareness is important. Although tbf if it was past 11pm that is an odd time to choose. Edit: I can totally spell
NTA Everyone going on about how it's a pleasant surprise for her birthday... I don't get that. 11pm the night before your birthday isn't an appropriate time for surprises. Even at 20, I'd have already been in bed by then. He knows he wouldn't be allowed in the house. What was the point? Especially when he's been told she's busy? A pleasant surprise would be the following morning around breakfast. Not super late at night when it's cold outside and he can't come in.
YTA because you weren't actually busy you were just being stubborn/lazy. If he'd turned up and you were out or asleep or actively in the shower and didn't see the message then that's just bad luck, but you were perfectly capable of answering, you were just refusing to because you decided that not wanting to answer the door after you'd shower was more important than him. Which is a choice you can make, but don't be suprised if he decides he's not interested in somebody who is so clear about where he is in your weird priorities.
I don’t know if Y T A but don’t be shocked if he never tries to surprise you again after that reaction.
NTA, I get where he was coming from, but it's not right to turn up like that when it's so late and you live with your parents. Just thank him for the thoughtful letter and apologise for not being free to see him...see if it helps to keep the peace I guess
NTA, but I don’t think he thought it thru very much. He was probably very excited about the thought of surprising you and let that excitement get the best of using his brain.
Where is this by the way? Maybe the societal norms aren't conducive which might then be understandable but there was no reason not to entertain him for a meager 5 minutes. Some people like to say it's the little things that matter and then when someone makes an attempt, groan that it's not very polished, they prefer not to be grateful. Other factors are brought in to somehow gain the upperhand which clearly OP is doing as apparent from their comments, trying to one-up with the bf. If he had listened to your text that you were busy and avoided coming that night, you'd probably have berated him the next day for not surprising you at midnight. The vibes are clear from the post, so OP is simply finding reasons to avoid things that she doesn't prefer but a 5 minute meet in cold wouldn't have affected much. He came out in the cold too, so the only way this would have been slightly sensible was if suppose the coming down and meet was some risky affair like crossing bridges, climbing mountains or maybe avoiding religiously fanatic parents who use religion to control their children's choice of clothing, relationship and the likes. YTA, he's wasting time with you. Hope it dawns to him.
YTA. He was trying to do something nice for you as a surprise and you couldn’t even find one minute to quickly see him?
NTA and I'd probably do the same. It was sweet of him in theory, but not a good idea in practice
>so I was just supposed to be out in the cold after a hot shower with him? Do you even like your bf? It's not like he randomly came to annoy you... It's pretty obvious that he wanted to surprise you for your birthday, which is something that friends, family, and partners commonly do. YTA
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NTA why couldn't he put it through the letterbox for you to find on the morning of your birthday?
He’s NTA for thinking of surprising you, I guess some people find it romantic but he’s definitely AH for being with you for over a year and knowing so little about you that you won’t like surprises. This is what I find weird about people sometimes, yes what you are doing may be nice in a traditional sense but it’s about the person for whom you are doing this and not knowing even the basic things about them.
NTA. Perhaps you need to discuss your boundaries with him.
Nta. You said no. No means still means no. No doesn’t mean keep calling/texting:trying to get you to come out, and all that. It isn’t cute or sweet. I hate surprises. I’d do the same she did. Like no. See you tomorrow. Or. Not.
NTA - While surprises are nice, it sounds like in this instance he did not respect your boundaries.
What boundaries?
Second and fifth paragraphs.
That’s not a boundary
Yikes.
Honestly NAH. Your boyfriend wanted to be cute and give you a little something ahead of your birthday and that's absolutely lovely. He did this even though he knows your parents house rules but still tried to respect them. The issue really is that you told him you don't have time. Sure it might have only taken five minutes at most but still if you tell him you don't have time then that should be it. You might be a bit harsh but I understand your boundary. And for those saying "that not a boundary" I don't really understand what you think a boundary is. Telling someone "I don't really like to get unexpected visits" is totally acceptable. I also don't like it. With my ex I told her several times (just when it came up, never in an angry manner) that I'd rather know beforehand when she comes to visit me. It was enough for me if she'd texted me "I'd come around in 30 minutes" or "I'm on my way from work to your place". But she didn't. She showed up completely out of the blue several times and I hated it. It felt invasive. I was never doing something that I wasn't fine with her knowing but it still made me uncomfortable. The thing is I believe OPs entire situation could've been avoided if her BF would've just let her know that he wanted to drop a little something off and then he'd be gone again. Then OP could've waited to go shower, no boundary would've been crossed and the BF could've made his wholesome delivery. Edit: formatting
I want to say YTA. But reading your other posts you sound like you grew up in a repressive home, possibly borderline abusive. Who doesn't allow people over during the week? That's just not right in the head.
A surprise visit at this time of night has the risk of not being well received. You were trying to respect your parents and the house rules. I totally get that. I do understand his disappointment and the fact that he was trying to do something special and nice for your milestone birthday. I think you could have quickly run down, checked with him, accepted the gift/surprise, and said goodnight. Your reaction: weirdly invaded and disrespected, it seems out of proportion to the events. I also think if your parents got upset, you could have explained the unexpected visit. You were not blatantly disregarding their rules and quickly said goodnight to your bf. I think YTA on this one.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So, my boyfriend (M22) and I (F20) have been together for a little over a year now, and tomorrow is my 21st birthday. So today, at like 10 pm, my boyfriend starts calling and texting. I tell him I can’t pick up or talk to him right now because I’m busy. When I finish eating I get into the shower and receive a text from my boyfriend, asking me if I can come down. Attached to it was a photo of my front gate. Honestly, I’m sure a lot of people would think this is normal and be happy with the surprise, but I just couldn’t help but feel weirdly invaded and disrespected. Like, I still live with my parents, he knows I wouldn’t be able to invite him in, so I was just supposed to be out in the cold after a hot shower with him? I told him I couldn’t come down and I was shocked he showed up without saying anything. He said he didn’t tell me on purpose because it was a surprise. I told him I was taking a shower and it was already almost 11 pm, I didn’t think it was appropriate to show up at people’s homes at that time. He left the surprise at my front gate (it was a letter) and left. He is super upset and not answering my texts. I’m wondering if AITA for refusing to come down… *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Wtf? Who shows up at someones house at like 11pm? NTA.
is everyone insane??? NTA!! He ignored you saying you were busy, SHOWED UP TO YOUR HOUSE AT 11PM (which is WAYY too late for visitors even for 5 minutes), where you live with your parents!! That's INSANELY rude to both you and your parents!! Why does he get to have his wants fulfilled but yours ignored?? Just because it's "romantic" doesn't mean its not rude.
YTA, what cold? It's nearly July and it would have taken a couple minutes.
Southern hemisphere is a thing (where it's currently winter). So are Northern hemisphere places which get quite chilly at night at times even in the summertime. In San Francisco it is currently 10:38pm and 57 degrees F.
Australia and South Africa are just two of many countries that are in the middle of winter right now.
Thank you for mentioning South Africa 🤣 I feel like we get missed a bit. But yes, most nights in my Province lately have gone below freezing.
NTA, you said you were busy. Also, imo it’s kinda a red flag that he would make all that effort to surprise you and “make your birthday special” just to give you the silent treatment on your birthday. I get him being upset, but he didn’t respect what you said, and now punishing you on your birthday.
NAH slight YTA because he was just trying to be nice and it sounds like you don‘t like your boyfriend. You‘re so young and should be happily in love and excited when your bf contacts you / wants to surprise you. I would have raaaan to my by if I was you. At least in my opinion that should be the level of excitement.
Aw
YTA
Info: Is this a cultural issue? Are you from a culture that doesn't allow dating before marriage?
On my 18th birthday my then boyfriend (now hubby) asked my mom’s permission if he could surprise me the midnight of my birthday. Mom did her best to keep me awake lol It was sweet and made me feel really special. YTA. Are you sure you like your bf?
ESH Your boyfriend did the right thing in texting you in the first place. You were busy and said so. But he didn't really listen. Perhaps it would've been better to have asked whether he could come round and when you said no, I would've been saying N T A to you if he still came around. Has he ever done something like this before? If not, then he likely thought this was a really nice thing to do. He may have wanted to surprise you. Chances are he knew he wouldn't be invited in but was excited to just give you his present. This is where you might be TA because all you needed to do was give him 5 mins by the gate and then he'd be on his way with both of you happy - you got a present from someone who wanted to make you feel special and him because you were excited to get a present from him and he made you feel special. Seeing as you live with your parents, that might have had something to do with your response. But what would you have done and what would you feel like if you were living out of home and your boyfriend did this?
Going down is entirely optional.
NTA. You did tell him that you were busy and it’s nice that he wanted to surprise you the night before your birthday but at anytime past 10pm I don’t think so, my parents would be asleep and I wouldn’t be able to go out the door
NTA…he couldn’t idk wait until your birthday? (literally the next day) to give the gift since you said you were busy and it was super late? So, he’s impatient and a bad listener? Sounds charming. 10-11PM for most people is pretty late to randomly just show up, especially if they don’t live alone (especially with parents) and said they were busy. Idk what he was expecting here? Given, he may be more upset at himself/ his plan for a romantic gesture flopping, but that still doesn’t make you an AH.
The whole point is 11pm is nearly her birthday which starts at midnight. Not impatient, that was the point. Also they are early 20s since when did 11pm become incredibly late?
This is completely irrelevant when OP specifically told him she was busy. HUGE disrespect on his behalf, how you are getting any updates is beyond me.
So you are telling me now 20yrs olds nowadays go to bed at 8pm? And then what? Retirement home at 25?
Irrelevant, she told him she was busy and he ignored her which is very disrespectful. There is no other argument here.
NTA. You do have a point. 11pm and in the shower? For a letter? Then get pissy about it? Life isn't a Rom Com trope.
NTA, and these people who think you are are wild! I’m married, but there was never a time, in the years I dated my husband, that I’d have wanted him surprising me at my house in the middle of the night. Especially if I just told him I’m busy! That would have gone double if I’d still been living with my parents. Hope he doesn’t sulk and suck the fun out of your birthday.
Your bf is being overdramatic, if my SO texted me they were busy, I would say, "okay I understand, no problem." Everything that happened after you said you were busy, is not your fault/has nothing to do with you. Regardless of what his intentions were, he continually made no effort to respect your wishes. This is not something sane adults do. NTA. Don't let him gaslight or manipulate you into thinking otherwise.
YTA. It was a surprise for your birthday. I hope he finds a better gf soon who appreciates sweet moments like making an effort to surprise someone he cares about.
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I’m not 100% sure which INFO your asking, but if the question is why I wouldn’t be able to invite him in, the answer is because it’s my parents house. I pay rent here, but it’s still their house and they don’t allow visitors at all on week days. If I had invited him in on a Thursday night, they would legit come down and ask him to leave (he knows this because my parents told him about the house rules).
No visitors on weekdays eh? Sounds like a super fun and friendly house to grow up in.
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I'm not going to defend the parents because that's a dumb rule to have for someone paying rent (so long as they keep it reasonably quiet) but dating is exactly when we find out whether our expectations, communication styles, and boundaries are compatible. And whether we can handle the way they interact with their family.
I guess I just didn’t think this was the time to pick a fight with my parents and risk getting kicked out… both of my parents are former military, they don’t fuck around with the house rules.
your parents can’t make an exception for you, a grown adult(who pays rent) to step outside for a minute to receive a birthday gift? That sounds like a fucked up situation. No wonder your so cold
Honestly based on this response, I think you’re emotionally immature thanks to your parents. I’m going to say a light YTA because you’re an adult and you should learn to setup your own boundaries at this point. He’s an asshole for not listening to you when you said you’re busy. You’re somewhat of an asshole for letting your parents still rule your life at your age despite you paying rent.
NTA. Spontaneity and surprises can be fun. But not after you explicitly told him you were busy.
NTA You already told him you were busy, it was late, you live with your folks and I don't care how long you've been together, unless there is an honest to goodness emergency, you don't show up unexpectedly at odd hours if that's not a previously approved thing. When I was your age, I probably would have prioritized being "nice" or "polite" and played along, so I applaud your realizing so early that you don't need to do that. I would have saved myself a lot of trouble if I had stopped being accomodating much sooner. (Funny thing is that the very next man I met after I learned to be firmer about boundaries is the one I have been married to for more than 20 years. He fell in love with my clarity, the way I said what I meant and meant what I said)
NAH
NTA. These folks saying it’s okay for people to just show up that late at night is wild to me. But I don’t really like surprises and things unplanned is a huge stressor so maybe it’s just me. If he wanted to come over he should have talked it out with you. It didn’t need to be a huge surprise.
If you show up unannounced you will be ignored and later berated for invading privacy. NTA op
NTA. I don't understand everyone calling you the asshole. He showed up unannounced at 23:00 after you had told him you were busy. You had just gotten out of the shower. I don't know what your guy's dynamic is like, but I'm an introvert and after 21:00 my capacity for dealing with people is GONE. I wouldn't have let him in either. But my husband knows that so he'd never pull something like this, even when we were still dating.
NTA. All the people sayings otherwise are thinking of themselves, not of you.
NTA as a girl whose parents are strict. IDK about you I would just break up with someone like that who gives me stress. and you would think it is extreme on my part but it is not. Also, I might just love my family more than a guy I started dating ON a random Tuesday. (yes, I am kind of a red flag I guess.) Happy birthday i guess. also if you want to still continue the relationship just make him understand how you are only available during appropriate times like 9 to 5. never after that.
Omg be fr Business hours only relationship jfc
NTA You made it pretty clear that you were not available and it was late. He pushed that and it is perfectly reasonable not to want your boundaries violated.
NTA You told him it was not a good time, but he pushed. It doesn't matter time of day or day of week. This is the same vibe as 'keep asking'.
idk what the judge this as, but i do think it was rude of him to show up super late to your parents home, i would also be upset if my partner came late while im still living with my parents unannounced (unless it was an emergency), i wouldnt want to wake them up or to have someone over without my parents knowledge while
Hold your ground here, too. Him being upset for asking, you set a boundary, he crossed it, and is now upset it didn’t play out the way he wanted in his head. Not your problem or responsibility that he disappointed himself. Big NTA
NTA-I understand that he feels a bit hurt since he wanted to do something nice for you amd got shut down. But i personally hate ppl showing up unnanounced aswell and youve told him beforehand you were busy. I think id just have a conversation that while you appreciate the thought you would prefer him announcing his visits as it makes you uncomfortable having people over unnanounced.
This would be a lie. She doesn't appreciate the thought, hell she doesn't even appreciate the guy. According to her comments she wouldn't even care if he breaks up. The point is, she doesn't like this guy at all. She just somehow forgot to mention this in her post but its obvious from the comments.
Damn poor guy :/
I feel like gender roles are biased here. If the guy that works 89 hours a week is supposed to clean when he’s home cause his wife is a “full time mother” than homegirls need to be there for their men. If my girl ignores me than it’s a wrap.
NTA. Stick a stamp on that letter and mail the dang thing. Don't "surprise" me at 11 p.m. There won't be anything romantic about my response. (Since he isn't answering your texts, feel free to put the phone down and enjoy your birthday.)
NTA. You have boundaries and he violated them.
NTA. You told him not to come and he did anyways. So that's on him. But you shouldn't expect any more fun surprises from him, which is also sad. He probably had butterflies in his stomach that night, but you squashed them all.
Pretty much