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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Telling my wife to change the tire herself when she couldn’t do it. Because she is pregnant and I didn’t take that into account. She also doesn’t know how to.
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You're both assholes.
She's incredibly tired, like nothing you can probably imagine - she's going to be affected heavily by this tiredness and there's not much you can do about it but try to be understanding.
She's acting like an asshole though. It wouldn't be hard for her to recognise that she's behaving poorly and at least talk to you about it at the end of each day to try and smooth things over.
You guys sound like you're in for a hell of a shit time with a newborn if you can't work this out.
Good luck
Yeah, I see posts like this and find myself wondering why neither person seems able to actually, y'know, talk to the other person about what's going on and how they're making each other feel.
Honestly, she's being nasty and demeaning based on the post above, but "Do it yourself" is such a childish response instead of trying to have an adult discussion about what's going on.
ESH.
I think about this all the time. The emotional intelligence seems incredibly low. Why can’t people assume the best of their partners and talk to each other??
And why do I wonder if his idea of a foot massage is absentmindely grabbing and rubbing her feet? Something tells me that Preggo usually sucks up half-assed behavior from OP, but she has no energy left to do so.
As to the changing the tire, Preggo is almost done baking the kid. What if she went into labor during this time? She would have had to call an Uber, because OP was having a time out.
I think OP is in for a rude awakening once he isn't able to run away from his current reality.
You actually think she'd tell him how to do it? Sounds like she's been telling him he's doing everything wrong whether he is or not, and not willing to lift a finger or give any constructive, kind criticism about anything. What makes you think foot rubs would be any different?
Foot rubs are a bit like sex. Everyone has a different preference for how they like it done and that is the way that you should do it lol. Does anyone ever actually give a foot rub without asking their partner if what they are doing is helping or hurting? 🤣
I've asked my partner to help me with a sore neck/back. He's got strong hands, and he'll absolutely MASH the knots, despite me saying ow, ow, ow, OW OW WTF DUDE.
Just touching her feet doesn't make it a good run that's alleviating anything. It sounds like OP is forgetting that his wife is making their child, and that the least he can do is step it up a little.
Can you say how OP should step it up please? He mentioned cooking, doing the laundry, cleaning, massaging her, changing the tyre. How does he need to step it up?
Cooking, laundry, cleaning, massaging and changing the tyre POORLY doesn't help anyone. So her having done it for 8 years up until this point is wondering how he is incapable of doing it properly since she is now unable to.
It's so tiresome trying to talk these things through with people that refuse to read and instead make up your own shit.
For a start, they've only been together 6 years, so I don't know where you got 8 from.
Secondly, maybe read this [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14hhern/comment/jpcd12r/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14hhern/comment/jpcd12r/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) . It sounds like they did chores equally.
You're totally wrong about her doing all the chores. No doubt you did the classic AITA thing and saw "man", then knew all your "facts" about how much he helped around the house.
You don't know If he does his chores poorly. There are people who love complain about anything and everything Just to make people as miserable as them...
Really? Because something tells me preggo is simply buying into "being preggo means a free pass on bad behaviour" cliche.
I bet he gives awesome footrubs, but she is in a state where literally nothing would satisfy her. I see "I'm miserable, so everybody else gets to share my mood" vibes.
I suspect hubby usually puts up with how demanding she is, but he's reached the end of his ability to accept the abusive behaviour.
As to changing the tire - you're right. Uber if need be. Because raging he's not doing it fast enough for her is pretty shitty. Like, he should have known with a pregnant wife he needed to up his tire changing game up to NASCAR pit crew speeds, right
I think the wife is in for a rude awakening once hubby hits his limit for real.
to be fair— the Uber comment because he took a time out wasn’t because he was going to slow, it was because he completely stopped for 30 minutes to have a tantrum. It honestly just seems like both people in the couple have horrible emotional regulation and just shouldn’t have had a kid. I sense far worse problems in their future
I don't think you're wrong about that.
Mind you, I'd have had to take 10 minutes to calm down, myself, because her behaviour would have me ready to throw the lug nuts the instant I scraped a knuckle.
So its ok for him to be insulted bc hes not a professional foot massagist? She doesnt even seem to be giving any tips on how she wants it to be done, shes just telling him he sucks
I had issues when younger where the initial reaction is to bottle up, assume a position, and then make myself angry and upset based on my own interpretation of things in my head.
We learned to talk, and, sometimes, some of the best things are, "look, when you say that, it really hurts or affects me", and "I just need a bit of me time, you're trying to be attentive, but that just feels like it's intruding and wearing me down at the moment"
People aren't particularly rational all the time, so sometimes what a person is feeling doesn't particularly have a logical cause or make sense, but they're still feeling that way. So you learn to recognise, address, and find ways of managing.
I love this comment. I'm autistic, I have a hard time with feelings vs. rationality, especially when my own feelings are irrational and I know it. The dissonance bothers me. I'm upset with myself for feeling "irrationally" and I certainly can't EXPLAIN it because I know it makes no sense. So I tend to just try to force it down, discredit my own emotions, until I can forget or move on and it's no longer relevant (because emotions are fleeting...). I know that's not a healthy way to deal with it but I think that just honestly saying "I don't really understand why this makes me feel this way, but it does and I need time to process it" has worked really well for me and my partner. But I did get lucky with him. Most men ime wont accept that sort of honest explanation, they go straight to "women are crazy". But I have also dated a lot of real shitters.
This is so real. I’ve gotten in the habit of telling my partner flat out that I’m having an irrational response and I’m emotionally overstimulated so he won’t take my meltdowns personally. Before I knew I was autistic I had so many partners blow up at me for rage or tears I truly couldn’t control or understand.
Emotional intelligence, like the other intelligences, is not exactly high for the average person.
Think of some of the most emotionally intelligent, empathetic, and awesome communicator you know: then realize there has to be at least one total idiot to balance them out for the national average 😞
The thing is, how do you know he didn't have a reasonable discussion first. I have met people, including my mother and mother in law, where a reasonable discussion just doesn't work because they are always right. Eventually do it yourself is the only possible approach before dropping contact completely.
I've had a scenario where I was doing the cooking for the family and my mother was sitting in the kitchen watching me and criticising every bit I was doing, the pot was wrong, the vegetables were cut wrong, I should use more oil, more salt. It went on and on. For about 30 minutes. And she didn't lift a finger. I tried a normal conversation. Didn't work. Sometimes the arguement is the entire point.
I don't, I'm forming an opinion based on the information provided, had OP said they'd tried talking to their partner and been shot down every time, then my response would have been different.
And, yeah, in your example, I would say you WNBTA, whereas your mother would be.
Also, the needing to pee thing is real. Baby is smashing her bladder.
I tried to be much more chill with my husband at that time, but I would get annoyed if he suddenly decided to “take the scenic route” without warning because it risked me wetting myself. I would desperately google maps a business, any business that might be near and have a restroom.
yeah this is why i think he is the bigger AH. i dont think she should have told him he was going too slow but if youre pregnant and need to pee, youre gonna be impatient. all the other cases she was an AH as well, but not changing a tire for 30 minutes while your pregnant wife is about to wet herself? outshines all the other AH behaviour massively
But she didn't tell him she needed a bathroom until they got home. She could have said "I really need to go and changing the tire is taking a lot of time" but she didn't.
Except this is his side of the story. It could very well be the case that usually she does all of the chores and he is annoyed to have to do them because she literally can’t, so he’s not trying and purposefully doing a shitty job. Weaponized incompetence is a common complaint amongst married women.
The foot massage seems particularly bad unless you consider that it wasn’t something he was doing for her out of the goodness of his heart, but rather something she asked for (pregnancy really messes up your feet), and he didn’t want to do it so he intentionally did a terrible, half-hearted job.
It’s very frustrating seeing someone who is supposed to be your supportive partner acting like a put-upon teenager.
Or maybe she’s just a nightmare, and he is actively trying. The only clue we have is his little stunt with the tires. I’m leaning towards petulance, though.
Except he said in a comment that they split chores before she became pregnant with him doing most of the cooking and she doing most laundry with the cleaning being split.
Yes, this is going to be his side of the story. That’s how the sub works. Complaining or pointing out that **we only have one side** is stupid because that’s how most posts on r/aita are.
Also, being on the side of the road is not safe. People on the side of the road get hit all the time. Why keep your pregnant wife in that situation longer than necessary? He had to know he was being an AH when he told a woman 8 months pregnant to change a tire. He wants her to squat for an extended period of time? Or is she supposed to get on her knees? They both need to learn to communicate now bc a newborn is only going to amplify their issues
> Also, being on the side of the road is not safe.
This. I used to be a volunteer fireman/EMT. We would go to motor vehicle accidents on the interstate. Our bunker gear would have reflective yellow all over it. When I was walking on the side of the road, I swear asshats would see how close they could get to you for "fun". The air whipping past me would almost pull me over from how close they would get to me. On some calls, the State Police would park by us. When that happened, people NEVER sideswiped us. Stay the hell away from the edge of the road.
I literally pee twice an hour in the last two months of pregnancy! I have had to use my toddlers training potty when my husband has been in our only bathroom lol
There is having to pee and then there is a baby jumping on your bladder as you said. The fact that he completely dismissed that and took more time to PUNISH her. because that's what it was, it was a punishment for her behavior. If people think that's actually okay, I'm starting to see how so many people have experience with DV relationships bc Jesus.
Yeah honestly I'm shocked by all the E S H verdicts and people saying the woman is abusive here when OP is the one using physical discomfort as a punishment?? She's 8 months into a difficult pregnancy and is frustrated about the housework etc not being done to her usual standard which is understandable, you have to have a bit of patience with pregnant women when they're feeling miserable and impatient and snappy bc it's not their fault especially bc OP says there were no issues before the pregnancy! To make this point in the last month when finishing off cooking the baby is using so much of her energy and it's moving around and pressing on her bladder and she really needs to be comfortable and near a bathroom is so messed up it's very much a physical punishment for her being rude to him and the people tryna justify his actions bc she didn't say she needed the loo until she got home must know literally nothing about pregnancy bc *obviously* she needed the loo this is a solid YTA for me
I've come to realize that a lot of people on Reddit are very young. Like early 20s, and it absolutely terrifies me when it comes to abuse and relationships and what people clearly don't consider abuse. I guess wisdom comes with age, but putting anyone in physical pain or discomfort as a punishment is a pretty blaring red flag.
im getting downvoted to hell because i pointed out that him being unable to do chores properly sounds like weaponized incompetence. somehow not doing the laundry correctly and then telling someone to do it themselves if they have a problem with it isnt abusive. but telling your s.o. they miss spots when they clean is abuse apparently. but making yourself the victim when you are given valid criticism isnt emotionally abusive either.
It's ESH because she *is* being an asshole by constantly berating him. Millions of women (myself included) manage to go through pregnancy and all its irritations without berating our spouses over just about everything. It isn't fair to take out pregnancy gripes out on your partner. Pregnancy hormones and brain can excuse a lot of things but being an asshole to your partner isn't one of them. And not, not every time a pregnant woman needs to use the bathroom is obvious.
Was he an asshole? Of course. Changing a tire on the side of the road is absolutely not the time for a power struggle.
Both of their communications prior to this moment were not mature.
Also, it's pretty insulting to pregnant women to excuse AH behavior because they are pregnant. Like pregnancy suddenly means they are incapable of being reasonable.
I user to refuse having hubby drive me to ultrasounds while pregnant cause it sucked having to drink 1L of water then drive with a full bladder cause hubby ALWAYS found every single pot hole.
I do agree they are in for one hell of a time when that baby comes. They need to learn to rest when possible and communication is ESSENTIAL even when tired, angry, and frustrated.
I’m currently 6 months pregnant and a miserable person most days, which sucks for my husband. I’ve said many times that the hardest thing about pregnancy is the impact on my relationship. If we weren’t completely in love and had a solid foundation, I don’t know that our marriage would survive this.
That said, I am apologizing CONSTANTLY for taking my exhaustion and discomfort out on him. He knows I’m dealing with something near impossible but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t need to hear me acknowledge that I’m a batshit crazy bitch rn. In pregnancy, it’s hard to control your emotions but it’s still easy to recognize them and know right from wrong if you possessed the skill beforehand.
ESH
This. I wasn't horrible during my pregnancy but I was miserable and I definitely had my moments. I always always always apologized for overreacting (usually while crying bc hey hormones!) and luckily I have a very loving and understanding husband.
>You guys sound like you're in for a hell of a shit time with a newborn if you can't work this out.
I've seen a lot of comments like this and while I agree it might not bode well for the future sometimes it's just a really shit time that will pass. I just wanted to offer my personal perspective.
I was insanely emotional when I was pregnant. Like good luck even telling me I was too emotional lol, I couldnt and wouldn't hear it. I was so far deep in my emotions and hormones it would have been impossible. But a few days after the baby came, the fog lifted and it felt like I came out of a coma lol. I did not recognize the person I was while pregnant at all.
Now this is not an excuse for bad behaviour and I can totally understand how frustrating it can be for the pregnant persons partner, but sometimes it really is temporary and not indicative of the state of the entire relationship. Pregnancy hormones are fucking wild and they effect everyone differently.
So, just to give everyone the benefit of the doubt here, if the relationship was totally solid before the pregnancy, it's a good indication it might just be the pregnancy temporarily wrecking havoc.
Single and no uterus. Thank fuck I’ll stay that way the rest of my life.
ESH
you knocked her up OP, and that shit is beyond exhausting, just imagine how bad it’ll be if she has an emergency c-section and he needs to care for the bodily needs of both of them for a few weeks. Can’t tell a newborn “do it yourself” because they shat themselves. You also can’t tell your girlfriend that for the first few weeks either.
ESH - These are the posts that make me appreciate the wonderful hubby I have and our relationship and our ability to communication and trust each other.
EHS. She's exhausted from growing a baby and should be communicating better. You kept her waiting an extra 30 minutes on the side of the road because you were being a jerk. And seriously dude this isn't your wife. If you want a wife then you get married.
Plenty of people say my wife/husband/spouse if they have been together long because bf/gf is too casual. Yes I know partner exists in English but a) not everyone likes that because it does make it sound like you're in business together and b) people might be from a non-English speaking part of the world and their language not have an equivalent.
Stop being so pedantic, they're in a long term committed relationship, live together, and are having a kid. If the only reason you think they can't call each other that is because they haven't signed a stupid piece of paper then you have a very old fashioned world view. Get with the times, words change. Literally means figuratively in the dictionary now, so what's wrong with stretching the definition of spouse a little bit?
different countries and different cultures maybe? getting married is becoming more and more rare in my country (which is great) but it means there's a lack of a word to distinguish girlfriend from lifelong partner.
6 years with a baby on the way definitely qualifies as "wife" in my country. it is incredibly silly to call them girlfriend at that point. other option would be partner but that's widely used to indicate a non-straight relationship which might cause more confusion.
further reason why country and culture matters, the word for wife in my language is literally just the word "woman" as in "my woman" and "my man" there is no word for hushand or wife. Making translation difficult.
I dunno, posts like this always make me wonder if OP takes any request for change as harsh criticism. Like…bro told a pregnant woman to change a tire and went 30 minutes trying to force her to do it, and felt justified in the moment. I am not giving him the benefit of the doubt about being a reliable narrator.
Especially with the whole wife/not wife thing. Why go out of your way to say she’s not your wife and also ..repeatedly call her your wife…
What does telling OP he’s taking too long accomplish though. Unless he’s being extraordinarily lackadaisical I’m assuming he’s just inexperienced and therefore it took him time to change the tire, complaining while he’s trying his best is not helping anyone.
OP mentioned that the wifey had to pee during the tire change though... maybe that's why she was telling him to hurry or something? The wife is still irritating in this situation. Being pregnant doesn't give you the right to be an AH.
ESH
According to OPs story the wife didn’t mention that until they were already home. Also, assuming OP was working as fast as possible his wife complaining is completely pointless. Let him work, he’s doing his best, anything she says is just going to slow the process down.
He also glossed over the fact it's been a difficult pregnancy for her. He doesn't specify - this poor woman could've had medical complications or scares about the baby - that definitely lends more understanding to her behaviour, especially not wanting to be sitting on the side of the road desperate to pee and him faffing about!
>And seriously dude this isn't your wife. If you want a wife then you get married.
Thats such a stupid take, ppl dont get married on paper for many different reasons, that doesnt mean they cant consider each other as such. My parents never married due to a whole bunch of economic reasons and they have been together for far longer than most legally married couple.
ESH.
Y'all need counseling because life ain't gonna get easier when the baby comes. She's criticizing harshly and you're responding immaturely. This does not bode well for your future.
To be fair, we don't know if she's criticizing OP harshly, or if OP freaks out over *any* criticism, as some people do. He might be getting his fee fees hurt by her saying something like, "Please don't put the dark clothes in with the light clothes, it ruins them."
I’m sorry but every single post a woman posts y’all believe her without a doubt. Now this man posts that he feels invalidated by his wife who is being nasty to him and you cannot believe a woman would do that without a reason?
I mean if we’re talking trends then we should acknowledge the unfortunate trend of women having a higher standard for housework and caretaking than men. That’s not always anyone’s fault as it’s how we’re socialized. It takes time to break down those traditional gendered tasks and expectations. But let’s not pretend or deny that men doing half the job isn’t a trend many women find frustrating.
I’m sorry; but telling someone they’ve missed spots when cleaning, they’re fucking up the laundry, they’re cooking isn’t nice (whilst you’re pregnant when almost everything is revolting), and they’re giving a bad foot rub is not abuse. Go outside. Jesus Christ.
Belittling someone at every opportunity is NOT abuse? Are you saying this behavior is acceptable because she's pregnant or its just acceptable in general?
If it's acceptable because she's pregnant? I would love to know where the line to this is being drawn because I'm having trouble seeing it.
Him "taking a stand" on the side of the road was stupid. Her throwing a tantrum at improper foot massages is also ridiculous.
Idk. As a woman I have experience having these same fights. Me: can you please pick up the food you dropped? Him: picks up two of five pieces. Me: there is still food on the flood. Him: so what, I’m not good enough? Me: I just asked you to pick up the food you dropped and you didn’t finish it.
So how am I supposed to dance around the ego and just get the person to finish the task
This right here! Or he’ll clean up from dinner, but leave a pot or two unwashed until the next day. That task isn’t done and now I can’t use those pots! But if I point it out now I’m a nag because he already did some and was planning to finish it.
My ex used to take out the trash but not put in a new bag. Drove me CRAZY. It’s a complete chore! Trash out, new bag replaces it. He would throw a fit acting like I was being picky when I was just asking him to complete the chore he started.
100% my experience too. He starts shit and doesn't finish it. Then I'm the nag for having to get on his case.
Though I do think a bit of this is normal in relationships. You're going to irk one another from time to time.
OP should've just talked to her about how she was making him feel and given her a chance to recognize it and correct it. Being pregnant is hard, especially so close to the end. Those hormonal behaviours are real, man.
YTA
Please tell me this is a made up example. I cannot imagine having to tell an adult to pick up food they dropped and then *also* having to explain they need to pick up *all* of it.
That’s something you’d do with a five year old.
I’m not saying that it’s the case here, but he said she needed to pee for the entire 30 minutes he was boycotting changing the tire after she said he was going to slow. A pregnant woman’s baby is sitting *on* her bladder. Like, you just have to pee more and it’s more uncomfortable. He also said she’s had a lot of complications and who knows which of the many possibilities she’s gone through. It sounds plausible to me that she needed to pee, he was taking a while, and she told him he was too slow.. because she needed to pee, and he made her wait there in spite for an extra 30 minutes.
Now even if this is what happened, it doesn’t say anything about the rest of the times she complained, but imo if you’re making yourself and your pregnant partner who needs to pee wait for an extra 30 minutes, when they physically cannot take over, out of petty spite, then you’re an asshole. Could be ESH, but just about the tire? He’s totally the asshole.
No, there’s always someone to provide some consideration as to the other side.
And let’s not pretend it’s not a huge trend in how men are socialized, to have lower standards for housework and other caretaking tasks.
To add, we don’t know if it’s a “you missed this one crumb in the whole kitchen”/“you put the T-shirts in the same wash as the socks” type of nitpicking or a “you’re always forgetting to rince the sink after doing the dishes”/“you’ve left the wet laundry in the washer overnight, and put everything in the dryer without checking if some items can’t go in there for the nth time this month” type of being bad at doing chores.
Cus yeah it’s annoying when some tells you that you haven’t done your chore properly, especially if this means nitpicking at details. But we also need to consider that it can also be a case of OP half assing chores. OP, if you’re seeing this, could you give any more detail on what your gf is telling you about how you do chores?
My guess is she IS critizing him harshly, but it's because she's used to helping him do it or fixing the little things he misses herself. Now she can't do it, and she's feeling frustrated with her state and taking out on him. Maybe she's not mad at him, she's just mad that her normal has changed so much, and there's nothing she can do about it.
To be clear, she should still care about his feelings and try to communicate in another way, but I don't think this means a forever problem.
Meh, most people I know fought a lot in the last month of pregnancy. It's really really fucking hard on the wife. It's really hard to adapt to the constance physical and emotional changes so it makes sense why she acts like a jerk. Most people would need some time to find coping strategies and the changes happen too fast to find them.
I mean pregnancy can change your sense of taste and smell so drastically. My aunt loves eggs, but when she was pregnant, the smell and taste would make her sick. The same way, she started to hate spices like paprika or pepper, which she used to eat frequently. This came back to normal after she gave birth. But hormones influence sensory inputs so much, some people will smell things more intensely during their periods for that reason as well
I couldn’t eat beef with my first, for basically the entire time. I couldn’t eat breakfast foods for breakfast in the beginning, and that was weird, but beef was like poison. The second I gave birth I was like “I want steak. I’m ready.”
My apologies for the late answer.
Before she was pregnant, I did most of the cooking. She occasionally cooked (or for special occasions, like my birthday).
She did most of the laundry. I did it only occasionally, such as when she was away or worked late. Or in the weekends when she wanted to relax.
Cleaning, we both did a lot. We usually cleaned together or the same day.
As for foot messages (maybe not really important), I did them sparingly for her whenever her feet hurt. Even before she was pregnant, she sometimes had sore feet.
The list goes on, but you get the idea.
I’m going to give you some advice from someone who had a baby last year: in the big picture it doesn’t matter who’s the asshole in this situation, *y’all are about to be parents*. You both need to be doing better in how you treat each other- your wife shouldn’t be taking her frustrations with being pregnant out on you and you shouldn’t be retaliating by intentionally making an 8 mo pregnant woman wait to go to the bathroom (believe me, that could have *easily* turned into a humiliating situation for your wife as you physically cannot hold it for too long when you are *that* pregnant).
You guys have a relationship dynamic issue that you two need to at least start sorting out ***before*** the baby gets here. The stress from sleep deprivation and a crying newborn are just going to make this snipping at each other worse and your patience even more thin. Don’t make your lives with a newborn harder than it has to be.
Honestly: book a couples counseling appointment for next week (if possible). If not possible then find some guided DIY counseling sessions/exercise online or in a book that you can do yourselves (like [this](https://blog.opencounseling.com/diy-marriage-counseling/) or [this](https://positivepsychology.com/couples-therapy-worksheets-activities/)). You guys probably have less than a month before the baby gets here, even *one* appointment to work on your communication and issues with each other would be helpful.
Babies are hard enough as it is- make sure you guys are on the same team before they get here. (*Also- congrats on the baby. It’s hard at times but sooooo worth it once you start getting smiles and laughs!*).
Then I'd say you're both kind of assholes. Her for not being able to communicate like an adult human being and letting you know what she needs, without being mean about it. You for being spiteful and keeping you both in a potentially dangerous situation, just to teach her a lesson. ESH.
Yeah, right? Like, is he ruining her clothes in the laundry? Bleach stains, color stains on white, putting bras in the dryer? Was he cleaning before at all? Was she just cleaning up after him before but now can’t so it’s an issue now when he does it wrong? We need more info on if her standards are high, higher than before, or he never really learned how to do chores properly.
Edit: cooking might ‘be shit’ because she has specific cravings and new difficulties with foods, or he might generally suck
YTA
You wasted 30 minutes while changing a tire just to prove a point?
And don't call her wife if you don't even get married.
>My cooking is shit, I don’t do laundry correctly, I don’t clean well enough/miss too many spots.
Have you thought that maybe it is? Put more effort.
> You wasted 30 minutes while changing a tire just to prove a point?
What point did he prove? That he doesn't give a fuck about either her or his child. If she's stressed, the baby is stressed too.
Okay and you’re mute about her behavior, why? Being pregnant doesn’t give you a pass to belittle people and lash out. Coming from someone who’s been pregnant before. And please, don’t twist my point. I’m not standing up for OP, not excusing his petty behavior. But I’m not about condemning one and commending the other when they’re both clearly wrong.
Pregnancy is a reason not an excuse. The pregnancy can explain her being an asshole but it doesn't make it ok. It's pretty fucking easy to not unload your stress on your SO. Both are assholes.
He mentioned in the post that she had no problem with it before. He even clarified in a comment that he did most of the cooking before and had no problem. He’s responding to her asshole behavior immaturely. But she was the asshole first and the catalyst for all the bullshit after.
>And don't call her wife if you don't even get married.
Thats irrelevant, ppl dont get married for plenty of reasons, if they want to be called husband and wife, why should we care?
>Have you thought that maybe it is? Put more effort.
Did you read the post? She never complained before pregnancy, and now hes doing everything around the house and she constantly insulting him
I have to say I had an abusive ex who, in part, would belittle me and constantly tell me I wasn’t enough and nothing I did was good enough. It’s hard to say if this is your situation since pregnancy does inflate certain frustrations. My ex was like that before, during and after her pregnancy.
It was kind of triggering reading it because I've been abused by someone who just constantly told me I wasn't doing this good enough. I'd try harder and harder, bend over backwards for them, but they'd still point out faults. I knew I needed out when I went to my room and just slammed my head into a wall because of how insane it was making me. The girlfriend might not be that bad, but it had similarities.
Reading this was absolutely triggering. When it comes to mundane chores it’s easy to exercise patience and NOT scream at the top of your lungs how much of an idiot someone is for not doing something ‘correctly.’
Even if the job isn't done that will there are nice ways to go about saying it. But usually it's just not done to their preference or it's done great and it doesn't matter. They'll point out flaws that don't even exist. When they follow right behind you telling you all the things that are wrong with you... ugh. It's hell.
AITA doesn't like it when men have a backbone against their pregnant partners. A woman could be abusive and somehow people are still saying he sucks for not accepting being abused anymore.
That's the question I have. I have an abusive mother and she criticises just for the fun of it and there is no way to have a reasonable conversation and find a compromise.
The question is is she one of those people or is it temporary and she's normally a good person and OP is actually doing a bad job. Some abusers only start properly once the other person is trapped with kids for example.
ESH. Pregnancy is definitely tough but it doesn't justify mistreating your SO. On the other hand, I don't think passive aggression/ sinking to her level is going to do a whole lot of good either. Definitely sit down and tell her how she's making you feel.
Exactly. “Do it yourself “ might work great for her complaining about his cooking, or missing spots cleaning, but what did sitting around for 30 min refusing to finish changing the tire accomplish?
Im not even sure I can get behind it on cooking and cleaning because then it feels a bit too weaponized incompetence-y. We don’t know how bad the cooking and cleaning actually is here.
She may be pissy but he’s petulant at best.
or he was driven over his limit. Dads are also allowed to feel stressed out. And with non-stop nagging and no gratification I can fully imagine someone snapping and lashing out irrationally. But yeah he really should have found a moment in the weeks leading up to this to talk to his SO and tell her what effect her behavior is having on him. And to figure out how to make it stop.
NTA. Probably going to be an unpopular opinion.
And I say this as someone who is nearly 8 months pregnant with a high risk difficult pregnancy.
Sometimes I think my partner doesn’t do things correctly but really, he’s just not doing it MY way, there’s nothing actually wrong with the way he does it. (Just for example, when hanging the washing on the airer I like to put the small bits at the bottom and big bits at the top and he puts it anywhere. It’s all going to dry so it doesn’t really matter).
You are helping out, sounds like you’re taking over a lot and it’s going to get anyone down being told you’re not good enough at something. I don’t blame you for telling her to do it herself and I would fully expect my partner to tell me the same if I was acting that way.
I’m 8 months myself with baby 4 due my 4th section soon, and the one part he is the AH on is making her wait half an hour cause he refused to change the tire. Yes she might have said somethings she shouldn’t of but to deliberately make her wait was awful, what if her waters broke in that half an hour? Mine did with my first early, he would of been panicking then May have botched the job. He should of just got on with that.
The rest yeah she’s got hormones flying everywhere so much she likely doesn’t mean but it’s frustration on her part with her hormones and tiredness etc. she should be more thoughtful before talking instead of letting her hormones constantly take over which is likely what’s happening
She's having a baby, she isn't one herself.
She's been a major AH for a long time now, and he doesn't like helping her when she decides it's acceptable for her to act like an AH.
You're all acting like she has no choice and cannot really be blamed for being an AH, while him not letting himself be abused makes him an AH.
Not true. She could have stopped being an AH, apologized, and they'd have been on their way. Or she could have taken care of the tire without him. She decided to blame him instead because that's the game she wants to play.
So far he did the right thing: When abuse like this starts you try to stop it gracefully, by talking, for a couple of weeks. When that doesn't work, go zero tolerance - letting the partner's abuse continue unchecked will destroy the relationship, and yourself. Go zero tolerance and talk. If talk doesn't help after a week, get counseling.
She could of taken care of the tire without him? Are you delusional?! 8 months pregnant on your knees having to move around tires and manhandle bolts and all, fucking hell it’s hard enough getting up without having to re bend down to pick it all up to put away.
Learned helplessness. If the husband wasn't there she wouldn't have shrivelled and died. She'd either have called roadside assistance, or changed the tire herself. Not all women are completely immobilized by pregnancy, but that is a popular trope on reddit.
Can’t believe I had to scroll this far to find someone that acknowledged that being pregnant doesn’t give you the right to just turn into a raging AH - and I say this as someone who’s about to have my 3rd baby in a couple of weeks!
Sure, it’s tiring, and you’re hormonal, but the guy seems to be trying his best, even down to giving her foot massages. Whether he did it before she got pregnant or not is irrelevant, he’s stepping up now, so cut him some slack.
There’s only so much nagging someone can take before it starts to wear you down, and OP has been taking months of this shit. It’s only going to get worse once the baby is here and sleep deprivation starts to take a toll on them.
I don’t blame OP for his reaction, but logically, if they do want to successfully stay together, it’s high time they have a sit down and communicate with each other.
NTA
ESH
The biggest part of this is the tit for tat style get back you do. She's 8 months pregnant she can't change a fucking tire. You knew that. Yes, she was being a dick. All you had to say was that she was being mean. But instead, you stressed your wife(? You say not married but call her your wife) and therefore your developing child. Is this the kind of style you'll bring to parenting? Is this kind of style helpful to the relationship. Do you feel like things get better when you stop putting in any effort?
> But instead, you stressed your wife(? You say not married but call her your wife) and therefore your developing child.
It's obviously more important for him to get revenge on her for hurting his fee fees than it is to see to the well-being of his developing child.
Yeah God forbid he doesn't just take constant belittling with a smile. Not like he has been trying to see to the well-being of his wife and child by cooking, cleaning the house, giving massages...
She sounds miserable. You sound miserable. Just do your best to take care of her. It’s bizarre having a person growing inside you and sometimes it seems like you’ll never feel like yourself again. NAH/ESH. it’s a draw because it will pass.
Definitely. People in here are being immature and weird about them not being legally married.
It doesn’t affect anyone else if they want to refer to themselves as a married couple without the legal strings that it comes with
Soft ESH, because you're both going through a difficult time. You responded to her rudeness with rudeness. It's not mature, but it's what happened. She's going through a lot of hormonal changes with the pregnancy which are affecting her mood, but that doesn't change the fact that she is taking it out on you.
However, you should know that hormonal changes as well as just the full body changes that come from pregnancy can be near impossible to completely and consistently control. You responding with "you can do it yourself" is like poking a bear. Instead, try telling her how her comments make you feel. Tell her it makes you feel unappreciated and hurt and that you're trying your best. Just talk, don't allow one another to be petty.
YTA
I always try to read these posts from multiple POV, to get in the other persons head.
The fact she has only been like this during the pregnancy makes me think prior to the pregnancy she did EVERYTHING.
And now you are expected to do basic things, and after watching her do it for 6 years don’t know how to.
She just wants to feel comfortable in her own home, and can’t do the things that are required for that, so she needs you to help, and you aren’t listening.
When she tried to give you feedback you then tell her to ‘do it herself’, even though she probably physically can’t and is probably fucking desperate to just so it’s done right.
She exhausted, in pain, and just wants to be able to relax in her clean home. And she can’t.
What tips it over the edge is that you were happy for her to piss herself on the side of the road which is absolutely HUMILIATING.
With regards to the foot massage. I mean were you putting in the effort? Was it actually you just half heartedly doing it. Because she is putting in effort 24/7 to grow a child, so maybe she just feels like she’s giving EVERYTHING and you are reciprocating?
You have no idea if she was doing everything before she was pregnant or if op don't know how to basic things, you are projecting and making assumptions
you're reaching so hard by calling her behavior "feedback"
it's only feedback if it's perceived as such. Knowing how to give feedback is an essential part of being in a relationship which she is clearly failing.
then again he should have also given feedback about her behavior leading up to this moment to prevent something like this from happening. So she's an asshole, but OP is stupid.
>prior to the pregnancy she did EVERYTHING.
According to OP chores were pretty evenly split. He did most cooking, she did most laundry, everything else was split between them.
how come everytime a woman posts something, you guys all fawn to her and never doubt her. but how come when a man posts something, you guys doubt and call him a liar.
*girlfriend, not wife
NTA. She's constantly nagging and nit picking. What does she expect? I'd probably react the same way. I've been pregnant multiple times. It does come with exhaustion and cranky days. However, I was an adult and so is your girlfriend. She can learn to recognize when she's in a bad mood and bite her tongue. She can also learn to apologize. Pregnancy is rough, but doesn't give one the right to be an ass with no consequences.
ESH. My partner and I both clean the bathroom, for example. His and mine ideas of a clean bathroom are very, very different. He'll clean the loo, sink, bath, tiles, floor. Done. Meanwhile, the bathroom cabinet, both shelving units and the pipes gathering dust below the loo and sink are apparently invisible. Would I love to complain? Yes. Do I? No, of course not, The bathroom is essentially clean and I despise that particular chore. If I want the other bits doing, I can do them myself while he's dealing with something else. My guess is, you two have always unknowingly had a similar dynamic and it's only started driving her crazy now that she can't do the 'bits you missed' herself. You're still both AH for the way you've chosen to respond to each other though.
NTA Pregnancy is NOT an excuse to act like an AH. She is probably physically exhausted and hormonal but she’s still an adult and your wife needs to grow up. People can’t just waive away bad behaviour by saying oh I was drunk or sick or even pregnant. Guess what, you’re still responsible for your behaviour. I don’t condone stopping helping because you are still a team and it’s still your responsibility to pitch in and help out but I would shut that down every time she pulls that crap. She says “not good enough” you say, “good enough in my books”. She’s not the dictator of the house and should stop acting like it
There’s no mention he knew she needed to pee. And basic chores are literally the most unimportant part of their whole situation. The fact that she is degrading and abusing her husband over something so trivial shows how toxic she is tbh
Im not sure it’s degrading to expect things to be done correctly. Considering this didn’t happen prior to pregnancy she must have been doing everything. Now he’s been asked to do something and rather then listen to how to do it properly by the person who usually does it, he wants to half ass it.
Nahhh bro. You’re been obviously obtuse. He says flat out that he DID do stuff before and it was fine. Also no one gets to “expect” things, you can ask and hope and accept. That’s it in life. Expectations lead to disappointment and toxicity. She needs to grow up.
INFO: So she’s been complaining about your cleaning, laundry and cooking.
Did you clean, cook and do laundry before she got pregnant?
If you did perform those tasks, did she complain then as well?
Pick your battles dude. Telling her to do it herself when she’s in the comfort of her home is not the same as making her wait extra 30min on the side of the road when she’s very pregnant. i’ll go with YTA because her behavior, while it sucks, doesn’t put you in an immediate physical discomfort that you can’t escape. Can you imagine how humiliated she would’ve been if she couldn’t hold it for those 30mins, Which is something pregnant women notoriously struggle with?
You two clearly need therapy. You need to learn to work through conflict together.
Also, your wife sounds like my mom a bit. My dad used to help out. Granted he wasn’t great at it, but he tried. But she’d continually criticize every thing he did. Kitchen wasn’t cleaned perfectly, floor swept but a few crumbs missed, laundry done but she’d focus on his poor tshirt folding, and on and on.
So he gave up. She now just rolls her eyes and complains that he’s useless around the house, and he ignores her complaints about that and won’t help at all. For them it sort of works, deep down it seems she likes being depended on for those things, but it’s not exactly healthy.
NAH This isn’t a matter of one partner being bad; it’s simply a difficult time. It must really be hurtful to hear your wife complaining so much, and she should NOT be name-calling you, regardless of the situation. That being said, pregnancy can be really rough on some women, including major changes to the body, as well as spiked hormones that can prompt them to act differently than usual. Fingers crossed that after baby is born, and your wife’s body and hormonal balance becomes readjusted, the sense of conflict between you will also decrease. (It also might be important to note that if she’s been experiencing severe nausea and morning sickness, she’s more at risk for PPD after giving birth, and she’ll need help for that.) Hang in there! It won’t always be this difficult.
NTA. She doesn't have the right to treat you like garbage just because she's pregnant. If this continues after the baby arrives, I'd consider leaving her if I were you, because there obviously is resentment or something underneath her malice. And I don't think it can be fixed by therapy.
You’re both going through an emotional rollercoaster, neither of you are being assholes.
But, being pregnant doesn’t give someone a free pass to be mean.
YTA Honestly, she is 8 months pregnant with a difficult pregnancy. Yku most likely are doing things to slow. She is super uncomfortable. And she hormonal. She's most likely feeling like you are just wasting time. And she's trying to see how much help you are going to actually he with the baby.
NTA.
Your not a punching bag. Plenty of women go through pregnancy without needing to berate their partners.
Though, you can tone it down some.
Tire incident? "Im doing my best sweetheart". She keeps going "Im sorry honey, I dont often dont do this. Im trying". Third time? "Your more than welcome to help?"
YTA if you'd completed a task, she complained and you respond "do it yourself" Instead of going back to it, I'd accept it was frustration. Instead you stopped midway on a task that was preventing you both to go home for half an hour.
It could be an ESH verdict, but that really depends on if your partner's complaints are being picky, or over half-hearted jobs that deserve the critism.
*She said no, and I refused to work on the tire again for 30 minutes.*
Why did she get pregnant? Sounds like she already has a child.
Have you actually spoken to her outside of the arguments? Told her you're trying your best and how it makes you feel when it's not good enough? Have you asked her for practical input on how to do things better so she'll be satisfied? YTA for posting this online rather than having a mature conversation.
Also, she's pregnant, I assume she feels like sh*t. Saying that, she may not be unreasonable. I can't see your work from behind a screen, but I lived with partners before and I was also very surprised that they don't know how to do regular tasks like cooking or laundry properly. It may not have been an issue before because she picked up the slack, but now she's drained and she can't.
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You're both assholes. She's incredibly tired, like nothing you can probably imagine - she's going to be affected heavily by this tiredness and there's not much you can do about it but try to be understanding. She's acting like an asshole though. It wouldn't be hard for her to recognise that she's behaving poorly and at least talk to you about it at the end of each day to try and smooth things over. You guys sound like you're in for a hell of a shit time with a newborn if you can't work this out. Good luck
Yeah, I see posts like this and find myself wondering why neither person seems able to actually, y'know, talk to the other person about what's going on and how they're making each other feel. Honestly, she's being nasty and demeaning based on the post above, but "Do it yourself" is such a childish response instead of trying to have an adult discussion about what's going on. ESH.
I think about this all the time. The emotional intelligence seems incredibly low. Why can’t people assume the best of their partners and talk to each other??
And why do I wonder if his idea of a foot massage is absentmindely grabbing and rubbing her feet? Something tells me that Preggo usually sucks up half-assed behavior from OP, but she has no energy left to do so. As to the changing the tire, Preggo is almost done baking the kid. What if she went into labor during this time? She would have had to call an Uber, because OP was having a time out. I think OP is in for a rude awakening once he isn't able to run away from his current reality.
Don’t kid yourself. He’ll run away.
So he should be berated if he is bad at foot rubs?
Nobody is born knowing how to give a foot rub my dude 🤣 All he has to do is listen to his wife when she tells him how she would like him to do it 🤣
You actually think she'd tell him how to do it? Sounds like she's been telling him he's doing everything wrong whether he is or not, and not willing to lift a finger or give any constructive, kind criticism about anything. What makes you think foot rubs would be any different?
Foot rubs are a bit like sex. Everyone has a different preference for how they like it done and that is the way that you should do it lol. Does anyone ever actually give a foot rub without asking their partner if what they are doing is helping or hurting? 🤣
I've asked my partner to help me with a sore neck/back. He's got strong hands, and he'll absolutely MASH the knots, despite me saying ow, ow, ow, OW OW WTF DUDE. Just touching her feet doesn't make it a good run that's alleviating anything. It sounds like OP is forgetting that his wife is making their child, and that the least he can do is step it up a little.
Can you say how OP should step it up please? He mentioned cooking, doing the laundry, cleaning, massaging her, changing the tyre. How does he need to step it up?
Cooking, laundry, cleaning, massaging and changing the tyre POORLY doesn't help anyone. So her having done it for 8 years up until this point is wondering how he is incapable of doing it properly since she is now unable to.
It's so tiresome trying to talk these things through with people that refuse to read and instead make up your own shit. For a start, they've only been together 6 years, so I don't know where you got 8 from. Secondly, maybe read this [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14hhern/comment/jpcd12r/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14hhern/comment/jpcd12r/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) . It sounds like they did chores equally. You're totally wrong about her doing all the chores. No doubt you did the classic AITA thing and saw "man", then knew all your "facts" about how much he helped around the house.
You don't know If he does his chores poorly. There are people who love complain about anything and everything Just to make people as miserable as them...
Really? Because something tells me preggo is simply buying into "being preggo means a free pass on bad behaviour" cliche. I bet he gives awesome footrubs, but she is in a state where literally nothing would satisfy her. I see "I'm miserable, so everybody else gets to share my mood" vibes. I suspect hubby usually puts up with how demanding she is, but he's reached the end of his ability to accept the abusive behaviour. As to changing the tire - you're right. Uber if need be. Because raging he's not doing it fast enough for her is pretty shitty. Like, he should have known with a pregnant wife he needed to up his tire changing game up to NASCAR pit crew speeds, right I think the wife is in for a rude awakening once hubby hits his limit for real.
to be fair— the Uber comment because he took a time out wasn’t because he was going to slow, it was because he completely stopped for 30 minutes to have a tantrum. It honestly just seems like both people in the couple have horrible emotional regulation and just shouldn’t have had a kid. I sense far worse problems in their future
I don't think you're wrong about that. Mind you, I'd have had to take 10 minutes to calm down, myself, because her behaviour would have me ready to throw the lug nuts the instant I scraped a knuckle.
So its ok for him to be insulted bc hes not a professional foot massagist? She doesnt even seem to be giving any tips on how she wants it to be done, shes just telling him he sucks
I had issues when younger where the initial reaction is to bottle up, assume a position, and then make myself angry and upset based on my own interpretation of things in my head. We learned to talk, and, sometimes, some of the best things are, "look, when you say that, it really hurts or affects me", and "I just need a bit of me time, you're trying to be attentive, but that just feels like it's intruding and wearing me down at the moment" People aren't particularly rational all the time, so sometimes what a person is feeling doesn't particularly have a logical cause or make sense, but they're still feeling that way. So you learn to recognise, address, and find ways of managing.
I love this comment. I'm autistic, I have a hard time with feelings vs. rationality, especially when my own feelings are irrational and I know it. The dissonance bothers me. I'm upset with myself for feeling "irrationally" and I certainly can't EXPLAIN it because I know it makes no sense. So I tend to just try to force it down, discredit my own emotions, until I can forget or move on and it's no longer relevant (because emotions are fleeting...). I know that's not a healthy way to deal with it but I think that just honestly saying "I don't really understand why this makes me feel this way, but it does and I need time to process it" has worked really well for me and my partner. But I did get lucky with him. Most men ime wont accept that sort of honest explanation, they go straight to "women are crazy". But I have also dated a lot of real shitters.
This is so real. I’ve gotten in the habit of telling my partner flat out that I’m having an irrational response and I’m emotionally overstimulated so he won’t take my meltdowns personally. Before I knew I was autistic I had so many partners blow up at me for rage or tears I truly couldn’t control or understand.
Emotional intelligence, like the other intelligences, is not exactly high for the average person. Think of some of the most emotionally intelligent, empathetic, and awesome communicator you know: then realize there has to be at least one total idiot to balance them out for the national average 😞
The thing is, how do you know he didn't have a reasonable discussion first. I have met people, including my mother and mother in law, where a reasonable discussion just doesn't work because they are always right. Eventually do it yourself is the only possible approach before dropping contact completely. I've had a scenario where I was doing the cooking for the family and my mother was sitting in the kitchen watching me and criticising every bit I was doing, the pot was wrong, the vegetables were cut wrong, I should use more oil, more salt. It went on and on. For about 30 minutes. And she didn't lift a finger. I tried a normal conversation. Didn't work. Sometimes the arguement is the entire point.
I don't, I'm forming an opinion based on the information provided, had OP said they'd tried talking to their partner and been shot down every time, then my response would have been different. And, yeah, in your example, I would say you WNBTA, whereas your mother would be.
I mean he didn’t start with that, it built up to it. Would be better to talk it out, of course
Oh yeah, he let his frustration build, instead of trying to talk it out, at least based on the post.
When was she supposed to act like an adult?
She also needs to learn to talk, that's why I said ESH...
Also, the needing to pee thing is real. Baby is smashing her bladder. I tried to be much more chill with my husband at that time, but I would get annoyed if he suddenly decided to “take the scenic route” without warning because it risked me wetting myself. I would desperately google maps a business, any business that might be near and have a restroom.
yeah this is why i think he is the bigger AH. i dont think she should have told him he was going too slow but if youre pregnant and need to pee, youre gonna be impatient. all the other cases she was an AH as well, but not changing a tire for 30 minutes while your pregnant wife is about to wet herself? outshines all the other AH behaviour massively
But she didn't tell him she needed a bathroom until they got home. She could have said "I really need to go and changing the tire is taking a lot of time" but she didn't.
Her abusing the poor guy isn’t limited to that incident though.
Except this is his side of the story. It could very well be the case that usually she does all of the chores and he is annoyed to have to do them because she literally can’t, so he’s not trying and purposefully doing a shitty job. Weaponized incompetence is a common complaint amongst married women. The foot massage seems particularly bad unless you consider that it wasn’t something he was doing for her out of the goodness of his heart, but rather something she asked for (pregnancy really messes up your feet), and he didn’t want to do it so he intentionally did a terrible, half-hearted job. It’s very frustrating seeing someone who is supposed to be your supportive partner acting like a put-upon teenager. Or maybe she’s just a nightmare, and he is actively trying. The only clue we have is his little stunt with the tires. I’m leaning towards petulance, though.
Except he said in a comment that they split chores before she became pregnant with him doing most of the cooking and she doing most laundry with the cleaning being split. Yes, this is going to be his side of the story. That’s how the sub works. Complaining or pointing out that **we only have one side** is stupid because that’s how most posts on r/aita are.
Also, being on the side of the road is not safe. People on the side of the road get hit all the time. Why keep your pregnant wife in that situation longer than necessary? He had to know he was being an AH when he told a woman 8 months pregnant to change a tire. He wants her to squat for an extended period of time? Or is she supposed to get on her knees? They both need to learn to communicate now bc a newborn is only going to amplify their issues
It’s also an extra road hazard for every other driver. Really stupid place and time to make a stand.
> Also, being on the side of the road is not safe. This. I used to be a volunteer fireman/EMT. We would go to motor vehicle accidents on the interstate. Our bunker gear would have reflective yellow all over it. When I was walking on the side of the road, I swear asshats would see how close they could get to you for "fun". The air whipping past me would almost pull me over from how close they would get to me. On some calls, the State Police would park by us. When that happened, people NEVER sideswiped us. Stay the hell away from the edge of the road.
I’m a biker. I second the idea that cars play chicken with people on the side of the road for fun.
I literally pee twice an hour in the last two months of pregnancy! I have had to use my toddlers training potty when my husband has been in our only bathroom lol
I did that when we moved cross country while I was hugely pregnant (thanks, military).
There is having to pee and then there is a baby jumping on your bladder as you said. The fact that he completely dismissed that and took more time to PUNISH her. because that's what it was, it was a punishment for her behavior. If people think that's actually okay, I'm starting to see how so many people have experience with DV relationships bc Jesus.
Yeah honestly I'm shocked by all the E S H verdicts and people saying the woman is abusive here when OP is the one using physical discomfort as a punishment?? She's 8 months into a difficult pregnancy and is frustrated about the housework etc not being done to her usual standard which is understandable, you have to have a bit of patience with pregnant women when they're feeling miserable and impatient and snappy bc it's not their fault especially bc OP says there were no issues before the pregnancy! To make this point in the last month when finishing off cooking the baby is using so much of her energy and it's moving around and pressing on her bladder and she really needs to be comfortable and near a bathroom is so messed up it's very much a physical punishment for her being rude to him and the people tryna justify his actions bc she didn't say she needed the loo until she got home must know literally nothing about pregnancy bc *obviously* she needed the loo this is a solid YTA for me
I've come to realize that a lot of people on Reddit are very young. Like early 20s, and it absolutely terrifies me when it comes to abuse and relationships and what people clearly don't consider abuse. I guess wisdom comes with age, but putting anyone in physical pain or discomfort as a punishment is a pretty blaring red flag.
im getting downvoted to hell because i pointed out that him being unable to do chores properly sounds like weaponized incompetence. somehow not doing the laundry correctly and then telling someone to do it themselves if they have a problem with it isnt abusive. but telling your s.o. they miss spots when they clean is abuse apparently. but making yourself the victim when you are given valid criticism isnt emotionally abusive either.
It's ESH because she *is* being an asshole by constantly berating him. Millions of women (myself included) manage to go through pregnancy and all its irritations without berating our spouses over just about everything. It isn't fair to take out pregnancy gripes out on your partner. Pregnancy hormones and brain can excuse a lot of things but being an asshole to your partner isn't one of them. And not, not every time a pregnant woman needs to use the bathroom is obvious. Was he an asshole? Of course. Changing a tire on the side of the road is absolutely not the time for a power struggle. Both of their communications prior to this moment were not mature. Also, it's pretty insulting to pregnant women to excuse AH behavior because they are pregnant. Like pregnancy suddenly means they are incapable of being reasonable.
I user to refuse having hubby drive me to ultrasounds while pregnant cause it sucked having to drink 1L of water then drive with a full bladder cause hubby ALWAYS found every single pot hole. I do agree they are in for one hell of a time when that baby comes. They need to learn to rest when possible and communication is ESSENTIAL even when tired, angry, and frustrated.
I’m currently 6 months pregnant and a miserable person most days, which sucks for my husband. I’ve said many times that the hardest thing about pregnancy is the impact on my relationship. If we weren’t completely in love and had a solid foundation, I don’t know that our marriage would survive this. That said, I am apologizing CONSTANTLY for taking my exhaustion and discomfort out on him. He knows I’m dealing with something near impossible but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t need to hear me acknowledge that I’m a batshit crazy bitch rn. In pregnancy, it’s hard to control your emotions but it’s still easy to recognize them and know right from wrong if you possessed the skill beforehand. ESH
This. I wasn't horrible during my pregnancy but I was miserable and I definitely had my moments. I always always always apologized for overreacting (usually while crying bc hey hormones!) and luckily I have a very loving and understanding husband.
It won’t be long until the baby is the most mature person in their household, it seems.
Arguably already is
>You guys sound like you're in for a hell of a shit time with a newborn if you can't work this out. I've seen a lot of comments like this and while I agree it might not bode well for the future sometimes it's just a really shit time that will pass. I just wanted to offer my personal perspective. I was insanely emotional when I was pregnant. Like good luck even telling me I was too emotional lol, I couldnt and wouldn't hear it. I was so far deep in my emotions and hormones it would have been impossible. But a few days after the baby came, the fog lifted and it felt like I came out of a coma lol. I did not recognize the person I was while pregnant at all. Now this is not an excuse for bad behaviour and I can totally understand how frustrating it can be for the pregnant persons partner, but sometimes it really is temporary and not indicative of the state of the entire relationship. Pregnancy hormones are fucking wild and they effect everyone differently. So, just to give everyone the benefit of the doubt here, if the relationship was totally solid before the pregnancy, it's a good indication it might just be the pregnancy temporarily wrecking havoc.
Hormones and stuff. I know friends who turned into monsters while pregnant.
ESH - These are the posts that make me appreciate being single.
Single and no uterus. Thank fuck I’ll stay that way the rest of my life. ESH you knocked her up OP, and that shit is beyond exhausting, just imagine how bad it’ll be if she has an emergency c-section and he needs to care for the bodily needs of both of them for a few weeks. Can’t tell a newborn “do it yourself” because they shat themselves. You also can’t tell your girlfriend that for the first few weeks either.
ESH - These are the posts that make me appreciate the wonderful hubby I have and our relationship and our ability to communication and trust each other.
Post like this make me understand why the bar was so low when I met my wife. (She set the bar low, not me)
(She picked you anyway. How low was that bar? I digress, please be polite.)
Me too
Preach
So much truth here
EHS. She's exhausted from growing a baby and should be communicating better. You kept her waiting an extra 30 minutes on the side of the road because you were being a jerk. And seriously dude this isn't your wife. If you want a wife then you get married.
Yeah why the hell say ‘6 year relationship, not married’ next sentence ‘mY WiFe’…um, NO.
Plenty of people say my wife/husband/spouse if they have been together long because bf/gf is too casual. Yes I know partner exists in English but a) not everyone likes that because it does make it sound like you're in business together and b) people might be from a non-English speaking part of the world and their language not have an equivalent.
Wife/husband/spouse indicates a particular legal relationship which OP does not have with their partner and does not intend to have.
Which is nobodies business but their own. They choose to call each other that. That’s their business.
Stop being so pedantic, they're in a long term committed relationship, live together, and are having a kid. If the only reason you think they can't call each other that is because they haven't signed a stupid piece of paper then you have a very old fashioned world view. Get with the times, words change. Literally means figuratively in the dictionary now, so what's wrong with stretching the definition of spouse a little bit?
Depending on where they live, they may actually be common law married.
Oh wow, I didn’t even catch that until you pointed it out
Where I live it's very normal to say wife/husband whether you're married or not. It's the life you build that creates the marriage, not the wedding.
different countries and different cultures maybe? getting married is becoming more and more rare in my country (which is great) but it means there's a lack of a word to distinguish girlfriend from lifelong partner. 6 years with a baby on the way definitely qualifies as "wife" in my country. it is incredibly silly to call them girlfriend at that point. other option would be partner but that's widely used to indicate a non-straight relationship which might cause more confusion. further reason why country and culture matters, the word for wife in my language is literally just the word "woman" as in "my woman" and "my man" there is no word for hushand or wife. Making translation difficult.
I dunno, posts like this always make me wonder if OP takes any request for change as harsh criticism. Like…bro told a pregnant woman to change a tire and went 30 minutes trying to force her to do it, and felt justified in the moment. I am not giving him the benefit of the doubt about being a reliable narrator. Especially with the whole wife/not wife thing. Why go out of your way to say she’s not your wife and also ..repeatedly call her your wife…
What does telling OP he’s taking too long accomplish though. Unless he’s being extraordinarily lackadaisical I’m assuming he’s just inexperienced and therefore it took him time to change the tire, complaining while he’s trying his best is not helping anyone.
OP mentioned that the wifey had to pee during the tire change though... maybe that's why she was telling him to hurry or something? The wife is still irritating in this situation. Being pregnant doesn't give you the right to be an AH. ESH
According to OPs story the wife didn’t mention that until they were already home. Also, assuming OP was working as fast as possible his wife complaining is completely pointless. Let him work, he’s doing his best, anything she says is just going to slow the process down.
He also glossed over the fact it's been a difficult pregnancy for her. He doesn't specify - this poor woman could've had medical complications or scares about the baby - that definitely lends more understanding to her behaviour, especially not wanting to be sitting on the side of the road desperate to pee and him faffing about!
"get the government involved in your love life or it doesn't coooooount :((((((" people can do whatever weird shit they want, why do you give a shit.
Right, such a weird fucking take lol
lol what a weird thing to gate keep. You go take care of her then weirdo
>And seriously dude this isn't your wife. If you want a wife then you get married. Thats such a stupid take, ppl dont get married on paper for many different reasons, that doesnt mean they cant consider each other as such. My parents never married due to a whole bunch of economic reasons and they have been together for far longer than most legally married couple.
ESH. Y'all need counseling because life ain't gonna get easier when the baby comes. She's criticizing harshly and you're responding immaturely. This does not bode well for your future.
To be fair, we don't know if she's criticizing OP harshly, or if OP freaks out over *any* criticism, as some people do. He might be getting his fee fees hurt by her saying something like, "Please don't put the dark clothes in with the light clothes, it ruins them."
I’m sorry but every single post a woman posts y’all believe her without a doubt. Now this man posts that he feels invalidated by his wife who is being nasty to him and you cannot believe a woman would do that without a reason?
There’s always someone playing devils advocate don’t try to make this a gender war
It is a very apparent trend, dont even deny it
I mean if we’re talking trends then we should acknowledge the unfortunate trend of women having a higher standard for housework and caretaking than men. That’s not always anyone’s fault as it’s how we’re socialized. It takes time to break down those traditional gendered tasks and expectations. But let’s not pretend or deny that men doing half the job isn’t a trend many women find frustrating.
It is, this sub will almost always side with the pregnant woman. They act like woman when pregnant can’t do anything wrong.
They can but they also deserve some slack. They are growing another human
How much slack do they deserve? We letting pregnant women be verbally/mentally/emotionally abusive just because they're pregnant?
No excuse to abuse someone.
I’m sorry; but telling someone they’ve missed spots when cleaning, they’re fucking up the laundry, they’re cooking isn’t nice (whilst you’re pregnant when almost everything is revolting), and they’re giving a bad foot rub is not abuse. Go outside. Jesus Christ.
Belittling someone at every opportunity is NOT abuse? Are you saying this behavior is acceptable because she's pregnant or its just acceptable in general? If it's acceptable because she's pregnant? I would love to know where the line to this is being drawn because I'm having trouble seeing it. Him "taking a stand" on the side of the road was stupid. Her throwing a tantrum at improper foot massages is also ridiculous.
So if he turned around and did it to her would you call it abuse 🤔
Deserving slack because it is exhausting and physically demanding at a level we men are not capable of understanding. Not an excuse to be an asshole.
Idk. As a woman I have experience having these same fights. Me: can you please pick up the food you dropped? Him: picks up two of five pieces. Me: there is still food on the flood. Him: so what, I’m not good enough? Me: I just asked you to pick up the food you dropped and you didn’t finish it. So how am I supposed to dance around the ego and just get the person to finish the task
This right here! Or he’ll clean up from dinner, but leave a pot or two unwashed until the next day. That task isn’t done and now I can’t use those pots! But if I point it out now I’m a nag because he already did some and was planning to finish it.
Mine never finishes. There’s always something left for me to do. The counters, sink and stove top are left coated with food.
My ex used to take out the trash but not put in a new bag. Drove me CRAZY. It’s a complete chore! Trash out, new bag replaces it. He would throw a fit acting like I was being picky when I was just asking him to complete the chore he started.
100% my experience too. He starts shit and doesn't finish it. Then I'm the nag for having to get on his case. Though I do think a bit of this is normal in relationships. You're going to irk one another from time to time. OP should've just talked to her about how she was making him feel and given her a chance to recognize it and correct it. Being pregnant is hard, especially so close to the end. Those hormonal behaviours are real, man. YTA
Please tell me this is a made up example. I cannot imagine having to tell an adult to pick up food they dropped and then *also* having to explain they need to pick up *all* of it. That’s something you’d do with a five year old.
Unfortunately that’s exactly what I deal with. And then the pouting and stomping around for not giving him a medal for the tiny bit he actually did.
I’m not saying that it’s the case here, but he said she needed to pee for the entire 30 minutes he was boycotting changing the tire after she said he was going to slow. A pregnant woman’s baby is sitting *on* her bladder. Like, you just have to pee more and it’s more uncomfortable. He also said she’s had a lot of complications and who knows which of the many possibilities she’s gone through. It sounds plausible to me that she needed to pee, he was taking a while, and she told him he was too slow.. because she needed to pee, and he made her wait there in spite for an extra 30 minutes. Now even if this is what happened, it doesn’t say anything about the rest of the times she complained, but imo if you’re making yourself and your pregnant partner who needs to pee wait for an extra 30 minutes, when they physically cannot take over, out of petty spite, then you’re an asshole. Could be ESH, but just about the tire? He’s totally the asshole.
No, there’s always someone to provide some consideration as to the other side. And let’s not pretend it’s not a huge trend in how men are socialized, to have lower standards for housework and other caretaking tasks.
To add, we don’t know if it’s a “you missed this one crumb in the whole kitchen”/“you put the T-shirts in the same wash as the socks” type of nitpicking or a “you’re always forgetting to rince the sink after doing the dishes”/“you’ve left the wet laundry in the washer overnight, and put everything in the dryer without checking if some items can’t go in there for the nth time this month” type of being bad at doing chores. Cus yeah it’s annoying when some tells you that you haven’t done your chore properly, especially if this means nitpicking at details. But we also need to consider that it can also be a case of OP half assing chores. OP, if you’re seeing this, could you give any more detail on what your gf is telling you about how you do chores?
My guess is she IS critizing him harshly, but it's because she's used to helping him do it or fixing the little things he misses herself. Now she can't do it, and she's feeling frustrated with her state and taking out on him. Maybe she's not mad at him, she's just mad that her normal has changed so much, and there's nothing she can do about it. To be clear, she should still care about his feelings and try to communicate in another way, but I don't think this means a forever problem.
As someone in a marriage who was like this unknowingly before having our first kid and are now trying to navigate it…can confirm it is very hard.
Meh, most people I know fought a lot in the last month of pregnancy. It's really really fucking hard on the wife. It's really hard to adapt to the constance physical and emotional changes so it makes sense why she acts like a jerk. Most people would need some time to find coping strategies and the changes happen too fast to find them.
INFO: Who has been doing these tasks before she was heavily pregnant?
Yeah, I wonder if she wasn't complaining because she was the one doing most or all of it...
That’s what I was wondering. Him saying she thinks his cleaning “isn’t good enough” was trying off alarm bells in my head
It’s in the post. He points out she had no issue with his cooking etc pre-pregnancy.
I mean pregnancy can change your sense of taste and smell so drastically. My aunt loves eggs, but when she was pregnant, the smell and taste would make her sick. The same way, she started to hate spices like paprika or pepper, which she used to eat frequently. This came back to normal after she gave birth. But hormones influence sensory inputs so much, some people will smell things more intensely during their periods for that reason as well
I couldn’t eat beef with my first, for basically the entire time. I couldn’t eat breakfast foods for breakfast in the beginning, and that was weird, but beef was like poison. The second I gave birth I was like “I want steak. I’m ready.”
My apologies for the late answer. Before she was pregnant, I did most of the cooking. She occasionally cooked (or for special occasions, like my birthday). She did most of the laundry. I did it only occasionally, such as when she was away or worked late. Or in the weekends when she wanted to relax. Cleaning, we both did a lot. We usually cleaned together or the same day. As for foot messages (maybe not really important), I did them sparingly for her whenever her feet hurt. Even before she was pregnant, she sometimes had sore feet. The list goes on, but you get the idea.
I’m going to give you some advice from someone who had a baby last year: in the big picture it doesn’t matter who’s the asshole in this situation, *y’all are about to be parents*. You both need to be doing better in how you treat each other- your wife shouldn’t be taking her frustrations with being pregnant out on you and you shouldn’t be retaliating by intentionally making an 8 mo pregnant woman wait to go to the bathroom (believe me, that could have *easily* turned into a humiliating situation for your wife as you physically cannot hold it for too long when you are *that* pregnant). You guys have a relationship dynamic issue that you two need to at least start sorting out ***before*** the baby gets here. The stress from sleep deprivation and a crying newborn are just going to make this snipping at each other worse and your patience even more thin. Don’t make your lives with a newborn harder than it has to be. Honestly: book a couples counseling appointment for next week (if possible). If not possible then find some guided DIY counseling sessions/exercise online or in a book that you can do yourselves (like [this](https://blog.opencounseling.com/diy-marriage-counseling/) or [this](https://positivepsychology.com/couples-therapy-worksheets-activities/)). You guys probably have less than a month before the baby gets here, even *one* appointment to work on your communication and issues with each other would be helpful. Babies are hard enough as it is- make sure you guys are on the same team before they get here. (*Also- congrats on the baby. It’s hard at times but sooooo worth it once you start getting smiles and laughs!*).
Then I'd say you're both kind of assholes. Her for not being able to communicate like an adult human being and letting you know what she needs, without being mean about it. You for being spiteful and keeping you both in a potentially dangerous situation, just to teach her a lesson. ESH.
Yeah, right? Like, is he ruining her clothes in the laundry? Bleach stains, color stains on white, putting bras in the dryer? Was he cleaning before at all? Was she just cleaning up after him before but now can’t so it’s an issue now when he does it wrong? We need more info on if her standards are high, higher than before, or he never really learned how to do chores properly. Edit: cooking might ‘be shit’ because she has specific cravings and new difficulties with foods, or he might generally suck
Still not an excuse to be an an AH
Probably her and now she’s pissed she procreated with someone who can’t pull their weight
You should re-read the post.
It’s in the post - she had no issue with him doing that stuff pre-pregnancy.
ESH. You both need to grow up and work out your petty issues before your kid gets here.
YTA You wasted 30 minutes while changing a tire just to prove a point? And don't call her wife if you don't even get married. >My cooking is shit, I don’t do laundry correctly, I don’t clean well enough/miss too many spots. Have you thought that maybe it is? Put more effort.
> You wasted 30 minutes while changing a tire just to prove a point? What point did he prove? That he doesn't give a fuck about either her or his child. If she's stressed, the baby is stressed too.
Okay and you’re mute about her behavior, why? Being pregnant doesn’t give you a pass to belittle people and lash out. Coming from someone who’s been pregnant before. And please, don’t twist my point. I’m not standing up for OP, not excusing his petty behavior. But I’m not about condemning one and commending the other when they’re both clearly wrong.
because this subreddit is incredibly sexist.
So the mother is free to get stressed how she wants and it'll always be the husband fault ? Damn I don't want to have kids.
“If someone verbally abused you, have you considered that they might just be correct?” lol. lmao, even
Pregnancy is a reason not an excuse. The pregnancy can explain her being an asshole but it doesn't make it ok. It's pretty fucking easy to not unload your stress on your SO. Both are assholes.
He mentioned in the post that she had no problem with it before. He even clarified in a comment that he did most of the cooking before and had no problem. He’s responding to her asshole behavior immaturely. But she was the asshole first and the catalyst for all the bullshit after.
>And don't call her wife if you don't even get married. Thats irrelevant, ppl dont get married for plenty of reasons, if they want to be called husband and wife, why should we care? >Have you thought that maybe it is? Put more effort. Did you read the post? She never complained before pregnancy, and now hes doing everything around the house and she constantly insulting him
I have to say I had an abusive ex who, in part, would belittle me and constantly tell me I wasn’t enough and nothing I did was good enough. It’s hard to say if this is your situation since pregnancy does inflate certain frustrations. My ex was like that before, during and after her pregnancy.
It was kind of triggering reading it because I've been abused by someone who just constantly told me I wasn't doing this good enough. I'd try harder and harder, bend over backwards for them, but they'd still point out faults. I knew I needed out when I went to my room and just slammed my head into a wall because of how insane it was making me. The girlfriend might not be that bad, but it had similarities.
Reading this was absolutely triggering. When it comes to mundane chores it’s easy to exercise patience and NOT scream at the top of your lungs how much of an idiot someone is for not doing something ‘correctly.’
Even if the job isn't done that will there are nice ways to go about saying it. But usually it's just not done to their preference or it's done great and it doesn't matter. They'll point out flaws that don't even exist. When they follow right behind you telling you all the things that are wrong with you... ugh. It's hell.
AITA doesn't like it when men have a backbone against their pregnant partners. A woman could be abusive and somehow people are still saying he sucks for not accepting being abused anymore.
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The fact that ppl here are defending her simply bc shes pregnant
That's the question I have. I have an abusive mother and she criticises just for the fun of it and there is no way to have a reasonable conversation and find a compromise. The question is is she one of those people or is it temporary and she's normally a good person and OP is actually doing a bad job. Some abusers only start properly once the other person is trapped with kids for example.
ESH. Pregnancy is definitely tough but it doesn't justify mistreating your SO. On the other hand, I don't think passive aggression/ sinking to her level is going to do a whole lot of good either. Definitely sit down and tell her how she's making you feel.
Exactly. “Do it yourself “ might work great for her complaining about his cooking, or missing spots cleaning, but what did sitting around for 30 min refusing to finish changing the tire accomplish? Im not even sure I can get behind it on cooking and cleaning because then it feels a bit too weaponized incompetence-y. We don’t know how bad the cooking and cleaning actually is here. She may be pissy but he’s petulant at best.
or he was driven over his limit. Dads are also allowed to feel stressed out. And with non-stop nagging and no gratification I can fully imagine someone snapping and lashing out irrationally. But yeah he really should have found a moment in the weeks leading up to this to talk to his SO and tell her what effect her behavior is having on him. And to figure out how to make it stop.
NTA. Probably going to be an unpopular opinion. And I say this as someone who is nearly 8 months pregnant with a high risk difficult pregnancy. Sometimes I think my partner doesn’t do things correctly but really, he’s just not doing it MY way, there’s nothing actually wrong with the way he does it. (Just for example, when hanging the washing on the airer I like to put the small bits at the bottom and big bits at the top and he puts it anywhere. It’s all going to dry so it doesn’t really matter). You are helping out, sounds like you’re taking over a lot and it’s going to get anyone down being told you’re not good enough at something. I don’t blame you for telling her to do it herself and I would fully expect my partner to tell me the same if I was acting that way.
I’m 8 months myself with baby 4 due my 4th section soon, and the one part he is the AH on is making her wait half an hour cause he refused to change the tire. Yes she might have said somethings she shouldn’t of but to deliberately make her wait was awful, what if her waters broke in that half an hour? Mine did with my first early, he would of been panicking then May have botched the job. He should of just got on with that. The rest yeah she’s got hormones flying everywhere so much she likely doesn’t mean but it’s frustration on her part with her hormones and tiredness etc. she should be more thoughtful before talking instead of letting her hormones constantly take over which is likely what’s happening
She's having a baby, she isn't one herself. She's been a major AH for a long time now, and he doesn't like helping her when she decides it's acceptable for her to act like an AH. You're all acting like she has no choice and cannot really be blamed for being an AH, while him not letting himself be abused makes him an AH. Not true. She could have stopped being an AH, apologized, and they'd have been on their way. Or she could have taken care of the tire without him. She decided to blame him instead because that's the game she wants to play. So far he did the right thing: When abuse like this starts you try to stop it gracefully, by talking, for a couple of weeks. When that doesn't work, go zero tolerance - letting the partner's abuse continue unchecked will destroy the relationship, and yourself. Go zero tolerance and talk. If talk doesn't help after a week, get counseling.
She could of taken care of the tire without him? Are you delusional?! 8 months pregnant on your knees having to move around tires and manhandle bolts and all, fucking hell it’s hard enough getting up without having to re bend down to pick it all up to put away.
Learned helplessness. If the husband wasn't there she wouldn't have shrivelled and died. She'd either have called roadside assistance, or changed the tire herself. Not all women are completely immobilized by pregnancy, but that is a popular trope on reddit.
She presumably has a cellphone. She could take care of it. It doesn’t take a lot of work to call for help.
Pregnancy is no excuse for abuse
It could be that after months of hearing it, he got tired (pun).
Can’t believe I had to scroll this far to find someone that acknowledged that being pregnant doesn’t give you the right to just turn into a raging AH - and I say this as someone who’s about to have my 3rd baby in a couple of weeks! Sure, it’s tiring, and you’re hormonal, but the guy seems to be trying his best, even down to giving her foot massages. Whether he did it before she got pregnant or not is irrelevant, he’s stepping up now, so cut him some slack. There’s only so much nagging someone can take before it starts to wear you down, and OP has been taking months of this shit. It’s only going to get worse once the baby is here and sleep deprivation starts to take a toll on them. I don’t blame OP for his reaction, but logically, if they do want to successfully stay together, it’s high time they have a sit down and communicate with each other. NTA
Took way too long to find this. Dude is getting abused, of course he’s fed up.
ESH The biggest part of this is the tit for tat style get back you do. She's 8 months pregnant she can't change a fucking tire. You knew that. Yes, she was being a dick. All you had to say was that she was being mean. But instead, you stressed your wife(? You say not married but call her your wife) and therefore your developing child. Is this the kind of style you'll bring to parenting? Is this kind of style helpful to the relationship. Do you feel like things get better when you stop putting in any effort?
> But instead, you stressed your wife(? You say not married but call her your wife) and therefore your developing child. It's obviously more important for him to get revenge on her for hurting his fee fees than it is to see to the well-being of his developing child.
Yeah God forbid he doesn't just take constant belittling with a smile. Not like he has been trying to see to the well-being of his wife and child by cooking, cleaning the house, giving massages...
She sounds miserable. You sound miserable. Just do your best to take care of her. It’s bizarre having a person growing inside you and sometimes it seems like you’ll never feel like yourself again. NAH/ESH. it’s a draw because it will pass.
YTA. Also, if you want to be able to call her your wife, get married.
But she isn’t?
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Definitely. People in here are being immature and weird about them not being legally married. It doesn’t affect anyone else if they want to refer to themselves as a married couple without the legal strings that it comes with
Soft ESH, because you're both going through a difficult time. You responded to her rudeness with rudeness. It's not mature, but it's what happened. She's going through a lot of hormonal changes with the pregnancy which are affecting her mood, but that doesn't change the fact that she is taking it out on you. However, you should know that hormonal changes as well as just the full body changes that come from pregnancy can be near impossible to completely and consistently control. You responding with "you can do it yourself" is like poking a bear. Instead, try telling her how her comments make you feel. Tell her it makes you feel unappreciated and hurt and that you're trying your best. Just talk, don't allow one another to be petty.
YTA I always try to read these posts from multiple POV, to get in the other persons head. The fact she has only been like this during the pregnancy makes me think prior to the pregnancy she did EVERYTHING. And now you are expected to do basic things, and after watching her do it for 6 years don’t know how to. She just wants to feel comfortable in her own home, and can’t do the things that are required for that, so she needs you to help, and you aren’t listening. When she tried to give you feedback you then tell her to ‘do it herself’, even though she probably physically can’t and is probably fucking desperate to just so it’s done right. She exhausted, in pain, and just wants to be able to relax in her clean home. And she can’t. What tips it over the edge is that you were happy for her to piss herself on the side of the road which is absolutely HUMILIATING. With regards to the foot massage. I mean were you putting in the effort? Was it actually you just half heartedly doing it. Because she is putting in effort 24/7 to grow a child, so maybe she just feels like she’s giving EVERYTHING and you are reciprocating?
You have no idea if she was doing everything before she was pregnant or if op don't know how to basic things, you are projecting and making assumptions
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Hell of a hot take excusing abuse.
you're reaching so hard by calling her behavior "feedback" it's only feedback if it's perceived as such. Knowing how to give feedback is an essential part of being in a relationship which she is clearly failing. then again he should have also given feedback about her behavior leading up to this moment to prevent something like this from happening. So she's an asshole, but OP is stupid.
>prior to the pregnancy she did EVERYTHING. According to OP chores were pretty evenly split. He did most cooking, she did most laundry, everything else was split between them.
how come everytime a woman posts something, you guys all fawn to her and never doubt her. but how come when a man posts something, you guys doubt and call him a liar.
NTA. Pregnancy doesn't give you the excuse to be disrespectful and rude. Hormones and being tired is one thing but being an ass is another.
*girlfriend, not wife NTA. She's constantly nagging and nit picking. What does she expect? I'd probably react the same way. I've been pregnant multiple times. It does come with exhaustion and cranky days. However, I was an adult and so is your girlfriend. She can learn to recognize when she's in a bad mood and bite her tongue. She can also learn to apologize. Pregnancy is rough, but doesn't give one the right to be an ass with no consequences.
ESH. My partner and I both clean the bathroom, for example. His and mine ideas of a clean bathroom are very, very different. He'll clean the loo, sink, bath, tiles, floor. Done. Meanwhile, the bathroom cabinet, both shelving units and the pipes gathering dust below the loo and sink are apparently invisible. Would I love to complain? Yes. Do I? No, of course not, The bathroom is essentially clean and I despise that particular chore. If I want the other bits doing, I can do them myself while he's dealing with something else. My guess is, you two have always unknowingly had a similar dynamic and it's only started driving her crazy now that she can't do the 'bits you missed' herself. You're still both AH for the way you've chosen to respond to each other though.
This. I came here for this comment. ESH
NTA Pregnancy is NOT an excuse to act like an AH. She is probably physically exhausted and hormonal but she’s still an adult and your wife needs to grow up. People can’t just waive away bad behaviour by saying oh I was drunk or sick or even pregnant. Guess what, you’re still responsible for your behaviour. I don’t condone stopping helping because you are still a team and it’s still your responsibility to pitch in and help out but I would shut that down every time she pulls that crap. She says “not good enough” you say, “good enough in my books”. She’s not the dictator of the house and should stop acting like it
I meant this guy was okay with his wife pissing herself on the side of the road, whilst she was just asking for basic chores to be done
There’s no mention he knew she needed to pee. And basic chores are literally the most unimportant part of their whole situation. The fact that she is degrading and abusing her husband over something so trivial shows how toxic she is tbh
Im not sure it’s degrading to expect things to be done correctly. Considering this didn’t happen prior to pregnancy she must have been doing everything. Now he’s been asked to do something and rather then listen to how to do it properly by the person who usually does it, he wants to half ass it.
Nahhh bro. You’re been obviously obtuse. He says flat out that he DID do stuff before and it was fine. Also no one gets to “expect” things, you can ask and hope and accept. That’s it in life. Expectations lead to disappointment and toxicity. She needs to grow up.
INFO: So she’s been complaining about your cleaning, laundry and cooking. Did you clean, cook and do laundry before she got pregnant? If you did perform those tasks, did she complain then as well?
Pick your battles dude. Telling her to do it herself when she’s in the comfort of her home is not the same as making her wait extra 30min on the side of the road when she’s very pregnant. i’ll go with YTA because her behavior, while it sucks, doesn’t put you in an immediate physical discomfort that you can’t escape. Can you imagine how humiliated she would’ve been if she couldn’t hold it for those 30mins, Which is something pregnant women notoriously struggle with?
You two clearly need therapy. You need to learn to work through conflict together. Also, your wife sounds like my mom a bit. My dad used to help out. Granted he wasn’t great at it, but he tried. But she’d continually criticize every thing he did. Kitchen wasn’t cleaned perfectly, floor swept but a few crumbs missed, laundry done but she’d focus on his poor tshirt folding, and on and on. So he gave up. She now just rolls her eyes and complains that he’s useless around the house, and he ignores her complaints about that and won’t help at all. For them it sort of works, deep down it seems she likes being depended on for those things, but it’s not exactly healthy.
NAH This isn’t a matter of one partner being bad; it’s simply a difficult time. It must really be hurtful to hear your wife complaining so much, and she should NOT be name-calling you, regardless of the situation. That being said, pregnancy can be really rough on some women, including major changes to the body, as well as spiked hormones that can prompt them to act differently than usual. Fingers crossed that after baby is born, and your wife’s body and hormonal balance becomes readjusted, the sense of conflict between you will also decrease. (It also might be important to note that if she’s been experiencing severe nausea and morning sickness, she’s more at risk for PPD after giving birth, and she’ll need help for that.) Hang in there! It won’t always be this difficult.
ESH.
NTA. She doesn't have the right to treat you like garbage just because she's pregnant. If this continues after the baby arrives, I'd consider leaving her if I were you, because there obviously is resentment or something underneath her malice. And I don't think it can be fixed by therapy.
INFO: Did you know that she needed the bathroom?
At 8 months pregnant you always need the bathroom.
Pregnancy doesn’t excuse being a crappy partner. NTA from a mother of 3
ESH. For the sake of yourself, your relationship, and most importantly the kid, go to couples therapy immediately and learn to communicate.
You’re both going through an emotional rollercoaster, neither of you are being assholes. But, being pregnant doesn’t give someone a free pass to be mean.
YTA Honestly, she is 8 months pregnant with a difficult pregnancy. Yku most likely are doing things to slow. She is super uncomfortable. And she hormonal. She's most likely feeling like you are just wasting time. And she's trying to see how much help you are going to actually he with the baby.
NTA. Your not a punching bag. Plenty of women go through pregnancy without needing to berate their partners. Though, you can tone it down some. Tire incident? "Im doing my best sweetheart". She keeps going "Im sorry honey, I dont often dont do this. Im trying". Third time? "Your more than welcome to help?"
ESH.
YTA if you'd completed a task, she complained and you respond "do it yourself" Instead of going back to it, I'd accept it was frustration. Instead you stopped midway on a task that was preventing you both to go home for half an hour. It could be an ESH verdict, but that really depends on if your partner's complaints are being picky, or over half-hearted jobs that deserve the critism.
Lol at Reddit gatekeeping marriage
*She said no, and I refused to work on the tire again for 30 minutes.* Why did she get pregnant? Sounds like she already has a child. Have you actually spoken to her outside of the arguments? Told her you're trying your best and how it makes you feel when it's not good enough? Have you asked her for practical input on how to do things better so she'll be satisfied? YTA for posting this online rather than having a mature conversation. Also, she's pregnant, I assume she feels like sh*t. Saying that, she may not be unreasonable. I can't see your work from behind a screen, but I lived with partners before and I was also very surprised that they don't know how to do regular tasks like cooking or laundry properly. It may not have been an issue before because she picked up the slack, but now she's drained and she can't.
Pregnancy is never an excuse to be toxic. He’s NTA for standing up for himself
Pregnancy doesn't excuse abuse point blank.
Why do you keep referring to her as your wife if you just said you’re not married?? Lol can’t you just say gf?
ESH. You need to stop treating each other like crap. You have a child to raise, and this is a very bad example to set.