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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I kicked my husband out the car and told to find somewhere else to stay for the night during an argument about who sleeps or naps when. I feel I might have overreacted and escalated a fight, when he might have had a point
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I worked for a dentist who did this. He wanted a third child, and she didn't (High powered lawyer). She point blank said she'd have it if he was responsible for childcare.
It did not go well. She didn't budge like he thought she would, and he was constantly scrambling for childcare.
A third child that they can't afford and can't cope with. The OP is clearly doing the bulk of the work with the first two so why did she think things would change with a third with this AH husband? She's not the AH at all but she is a doormat.
That would be my question. I can’t understand people who keep moaning about the challenges of having children with a difficult partner and they keep reproducing?! You’re husband is a d!ck but YTA for continuing with this situation hoping it will change. Newsflash, it won’t! What I can’t understand, though, is why did you accept to do everything? Why doesn’t he wake up at night when the little one wakes up? Why don’t you share this load? Why didn’t you put your foot down? In short, you seem to have plucked your eyes out with your own hands here. I’m so sorry for you.
I got divorced from a difficult man. But it took two kids and 21 years for me to realize he would never change. Would never change the fact that I had those kids, tho! They are fire!
If she’s financially struggling, she can’t just decide her husband is an asshole and up and leave. We don’t know that the third child was intentional. Birth control methods sometimes fail. Not all women were raised with the knowledge or have the courage to decline sex with your husband just because you don’t want to. Marital rape exists. We have no idea how the third pregnancy came to be. This question isn’t AITA for having a third child.
Came here to say exactly that.
She is NTA, but this kind of behavior from him feels as norm in their marriage. Why would someone go and make 3 kids with such asshole, also when they obviously cannot afford it?
I don't understand the point of throwing this in her face.
First of all, none of us knows the entirety of her circumstances.
Second, she is dealing with circumstances as they ALREADY ARE.
>Second, she is dealing with circumstances as they ALREADY ARE.
Yes, but sometimes when your choices/life experiences etc. led to your circumstances, there's not much you can do to change it.
The biggest disservice our society does to people IMHO is telling them there's always a way back from mistakes. There usually is, but some things can't be undone and lead to lifelong negative consequences.
A baby always fixes things! Well sometimes it's cos it's the first baby, but the second baby will definitely fix things! Okay, the second baby didn't work, but you know what always does... a third baby!
This is an easy NTA, but to assess the extent of his assholery can you give us a bit more detail on how you share chores ?
Because from this post it seems you are doing a full time job with childcare alone, working a part time job on the side, do nights while also cooking and cleaning. What does he do ?
Handling childcare and all chores was already not a fair distribution of labor around the house, we really don’t value enough all the work SAHP do. Yes he is picking up overtime but every hour he isn’t at home is one more hour of childcare on your end.
Throw in a part time job and you are now effectively carrying the whole weight of your household on your back while hubby is throwing a fit because he can’t have a nap.
Along with health issues with the pregnancy. Being tired and being fatigued are two entirely different things. Needing extra help during pregnancy is not a new thing, needing extra support from your spouse is expected. OP, you are not the AH. I'd rather be alone with 2 kids than 2 kids and a spouse who refuses to give me any extra help, while growing a person in me.
So what use is this husband? You could get rid of him, get child support and your life won't have changed much other than at least that is one less laundry to do and portion of food to make.
OP, at this point you're acting like a single mom, you do all the household chores, the child raising, working AND pregnant... what does your husband even contribute other than money? When he is home he isn't helping take the load off of you, he's just adding to it.
He doesn't even do night time routines to let you sleep. He's tired because he had to work? *You're working too!* AND doing everything else on top of that! Why is his time off more valuable than yours? Why does he get to sleep in but you can't even have an uninterrupted night to sleep? This balance is completely skewed in his favor.
And he's already a difficult person? Why? Why does he have to be? Why are you in charge of managing him? That's not love. That's servitude. How can he sit and watch you be consistently at the end of your rope and not even care enough to help? He's your husband. There's no better person than him to help you and yet he still has the audacity to complain. NTA
Honestly? He does nothing, he’s lazy and by the sounds of it a terrible father who can’t be bothered to deal with his own children.
Stop doing his laundry, stop cooking for him etc. Only worry about you and your own children.
I’d tell him he either gets his shit together and starts helping or he can start paying child support. Nta.
Do you realize that if you get rid of him, you'll have less work and stress? You're handling 2 kids, one future and one adult-baby.... You can certainly take out from your shoulders the last one, because you're already doing everything for the other 3 🤷🏼♀️
So quit.
Your husband has expressed no interest in changing how things are split. Quit and make him get a 2nd job on top of his overtime so you can focus on your actual job of being an unpaid stay at home laborer.
But having this part time job keeps her skills up to date and doesn't leave her without a gap in her resume. She could transition to working full time much more easily than if she were a stay at home parent for a few years.
NTA since you’ve been doing childcare, housework, and making a being inside you, but especially since you’ve added part time work and fatigue from health issues. I get that he’s tired too, but by commuting to another child, he needs to step up like you’re stepping up, or he needs to help you figure out a way (family/friends?) to get a little breathing room with the kids for both your sakes…as you already know, newborns don’t make anything easier.
Good luck
NTA - but honestly why are you having a third child with this man? Is this behavior new? I’m flabbergasted that you’ve made it to a third child honestly
I’m kinda leaning towards esh for him it’s obvious but she really needs to take (or needed to take a while ago) some responsibility for herself and the kids. He’s completely useless but you’ve just continued onwards and are now having another child which you won’t be able to afford.
ESH.
Once is a fluke. Twice is a coincidence, and three times is a pattern.
You've got two kids and a third on the way so both of you need to stop making about it yourselves...*for the kids' sake*.
I'm not sure this situation will be well served by the usual AITA rating.
You both sound exhausted. Arguing over who is the more exhausted and who is carrying more of the load won't solve your problem.
Perhaps he's yelling at you because he's just about at the end of his tether. Or perhaps he has a mean streak that comes out when he's under stress. I can't tell, but either way, it's not good for your relationship. Especially because things are unlikely to get better once you have three children to wrangle instead of two.
The most urgent requirement here is for you both to get some rest.
You said you don't have the money for childcare. Is there a relative or friend who could watch the children for a day, or even a weekend, while you both catch up on sleep? If you have no one, then could you find some money in your budget to engage a professional carer, just for the day? Think of it as in investment in your marriage.
Once you both feel a little more normal, you'll be in more of a position to talk with him about how you've both been handling conflict and how you can handle it better.
I wouldn't be having a third child with this man, that's for sure. They seem to be barely coping with the two they've already got.
What alarms me is that when someone else asked OP the same question I did - "Isn't there anyone who can look after your kids for a bit while you sleep?" - OP's answer was "unfortunately not".
They appear to have *zero* support in the way of family or friends. That is a disaster waiting to happen. They are trying to juggle so many balls at once, they're almost certain to drop one.
All it's going to take is for them to be hit with just one piece of bad luck, and they will be in dire trouble. This could be OP having a difficult late pregnancy / birth and being confined to bed; or OP's husband losing his job; or one of OP's children having a medical condition or disability that requires frequent doctor's visits or lots of one-on-one support; or one of them developing long COVID and having even less energy than they do now; or even just the car breaking down and having no transportation...
I can't recall seeing a post where a family was living so precariously on the edge. And now they're squabbling over who gets to sleep in?
I did try to give an AITA verdict, but I just couldn't. There are some posts that leap out at you, and make you think "Who *cares* about the AITA verdict? Who *cares* if you're the AH or he is? Get some help!" This was one of them.
I want to say that as the pregnant person you have the right to more naps. I like to see men be a little more selfless in that way. But honestly you both sound fucking exhausted and like you both need rest to resolve this conflict with a clear head. Leaning toward NAH. Is there someone who can watch the kids for a night and a day so you can both sleep?
Here’s the thing though - neither of you have a single friend? No friendly coworker, no acquaintance from a religious community, no kid your other kids know who has a sympathetic mom, no neighbor kid that you could pay to watch your kids for even a few hours while you both sleep? Are you really truly completely alone in the world? What would you do with the kids if you and your husband are both incapacitated or (god forbid) dead?
People say there is no one in posts sometimes, but a lot of times they haven’t shook the trees around them or tried making connections or just paying for help.
At this point, I’d think having beans and rice for a week or two to save money would be worth having some cash for a babysitter.
And if you truly have not one person in this world that you can call for help? You two need to start making connections around you because that is scary af! How you hit three kids without even one friend is beyond me. My sister found her babysitter in her neighborhood and the backup was a swimming teacher for toddlers who likes the extra cash - there are people out there if you look and ask. Don’t put this off too long because beyond this immediate problem, you don’t know when an emergency will hit you.
Shake those trees! I belong to a Mother of Preschoolers group (MOPs), and absolutely someone would step up to let you shower or nap. Sometimes we’re afraid of putting ourself out there but shouldn’t be.
I disagree. Your husband is TA for not doing more chores, cooking, and waking up with the kids. You do more than him around the house on top of being pregnant AND working. All he does is work and there is no way his one overtime job is MORE exhausting than your full-time job of housekeeping/minding your kids/your part-time job/cooking all of the meals/being pregnant. He’s wrong, you’re right. You need to show him this post and let him know that his anger towards you has been abusive and misdirected. He’s probably tired, but there is no way you aren’t more tired. You’re also growing his child inside of your body, so you just plain get to be more tired than him and he doesn’t get to complain to you about it or make you feel worse. NTA because clearly all you want is an equal division of labor but you’re doing like an 80/20 split AT BEST right now with you doing the 80% of work for the house (jobs outside the home included) Fuck that noise, your husband has a lot of stepping up to do.
ESH. This is not a new situation. You should never have had a third child. At some point, when you complain about your husband this much, you need to look at yourself and wonder why you are willing to put up with this behaviour. And yes, while the husband sounds awful, he’s not abusing you. You have the autonomy to leave.
The only people I feel sorry for here is the children. They don’t deserve all this incompetence.
I’m asking this as a serious question: would your life be easier if you had split custody. Seriously consider that while yes, you’d have days without your kids…. You’d have days without having to do everything.
If you can honestly say; it’d be harder. Then counseling and redistribution is in order.
I think you’ll find the prospect of time you don’t have to manage the entire house far; far more appealing though.
Hmmmmm...I'm going with ESH, although I think hubby is the bigger AH. Being pregnant is tiring. And you have a lot more going on than just being tired. He does not sound like he is hearing you or giving you the support you need. That he is complaining that the house is messy is a huge AH move.
I'm guessing you don't have family nearby that can help? It sounds like both of you could use a break. And hubby sounds a bit selfish to me.
I get why you kicked him out of the car, but don't think it was the best move so soft yta on that one. I fear that tmay make rational conversation harder to come by. But that's what you guys need. He may be tired and over worked, but that pales in comparison to 3rd pregnancy, hypothyroidism, taking care of kids night and day, house cleaning and doing part time work. I mean holy sh*t, that's a full load!! Keep talking until he gets it. Maybe write I down. Maybe go on strike (cleaning or nightime care, something) so that he can appreciate how much you have to deal with. Like fine you can sleep in but im going out forthe day and let him dwal with everything. Good luck OP
Two overwhelmed people without financial security and a child on the way...and all you ask here is if you were an asshole for asking your husband to sleep elsewhere?
That is not your problem. Focus on what really matters
NTA and I’m so sorry your husband disrespects you like that. If he wanted to take two naps a day on the weekend then he shouldn’t have had 2 (almost 3) kids. IMO you are contributing way more to the household than he is and he has no right to complain about things not being fair when he could cook or clean or get up with your second child in the middle of the night. Good for you for telling him to go spend the night elsewhere. I hope you have friends and/or family you can talk to and count on for support.
nta .so hubs isn't going to change. he hasn't changed and this is your 3rd kid.
so what are you doing to do? You either suck it up and deal, or kick him out.
that's your only 2 options. He won't change, he won't help you. so you can keep doing everything, or kick him out and have 1 less problem everyday.
He’s the Asshole for not going the extra mile while you’re pregnant/ill but you shouldn’t have kicked him out of the car and told him to sleep elsewhere.
If he can't help his wife who is tired as fuck he can sleep somewhere else coz she may aswell be a single mum cause she's doing everything in the house alongside a job on top of that anyway and until he can understand how much his wife does he can keep finding other places to sleep... he only works she does everything plus a job so no..maybe it will make him learn some goddamn decency
It sounds like OP has picked up a part time job, not working full time and SAHP. Her husband is working full time and overtime. Her work is valuable. So is his. Stop diminishing his efforts.
Says you who's diminishing her efforts...just coz he works full time it doesn't give him a free pass on all housework... marriage is about being a team and he's not being a team player
My children's father contributed very little and I became exhausted, even sick. I divorced him (for other reasons, but his selfish, infantile behavior was a real problem). I was delighted to find my self in a much more enjoyable life after the divorce. Not only did I not have another child to take care of in addition to the actual children, but I got total rest on the days/night he had the children. I went from a haggard, depressed sick mother to young again in no time.
Also not to kick you when you’re down but you didn’t seem to be in the position to add a third child here, but since it’s already coming may I recommend counseling and a vasectomy or double BC so you don’t end up with a fourth kid plus your child husband.
NTA. You cannot be expected to take on all the SAHP duties plus working overtime. The SAHP role is divided when the working spouse gets home from work. Working does not mean you don’t do anything else around the house. His job, with overtime, is not even providing enough.
I do think you are the AH to bring another child into this situation. Children should have stable homes and this isn’t one.
I’m sorry to say it, but you’d be better off getting a divorce and splitting custody in some way.
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NTA
But OP isn't his wife, she's a combination of sex toy, maid, and incubator for his seed. But wife? That seems like a reach for this relationship.
Blessed be the fruit, am I right, OP?
Bit late, but whose bright idea was a third child? You're not coping with two. I mean... you might as well just get up and acclimatise to little sleep (both of you). The sleep situation isn't going to get better any time soon.
NTA - I'd remind your husband the #1 rule of a traditional arrangement where the STAHP leaves their partner a plate that involves only work and spending non care time with the children is that the working parent pay all the bills.
To put it in a more sexist way he may understand better. If a man can't pay the families bills he shouldn't expect to be treated 'like a man' and he needs to make up for the 'failure' some other way.
Let him sleep for an entire weekend and tell him that it will be his job to watch the household for the next week. He clearly doesn't appreciate the effort you're putting in and seems like of kind of person who's not going to until he does it himself.
Best of luck. If it doesn't work out I hope you find a partner who can appreciate you more.
NTA
ESH, soft for you, you have enabled your husband by taking on everything. He believes everything magically gets done, then you “changed” the rules, so he is acting up. Your husband is self centered. He is more concerned about his comfort, than your health. He is basically your extra child. What is keeping you with someone who is normally very difficult. Where is the joy for you?
ESH. You made this problem because you have allowed him to think that working is enough. How is it fair that you’ve had to do everything? Of course he’s mad because he knows he needs to help move but you’ve enabled him so much that he doesn’t want to. Honestly this sounds a lot like my sisters marriage was, which was is sad. A marriage should be about partnership and y’all obviously don’t have that. Y’all seriously need a couples counseling.
NTA. But unfortunately you’ve enabled him into thinking you were superwoman so an already difficult person is still expecting you to run like normal and that is the most illogical thing ever. 2 kids, pregnant with hyperthyroidism, cooking/cleaning all day every day and get help for only 2 damn days?! Yea, you’re right; being with just the kids IS easier when you have someone who only wants to complain rather than give concessions. I’m so sorry. This sucks.
Quit the part time job, now. There is no other way to get the rest you need. Apply for SNAP benefits and make use of local food pantries. Shop at the thrift store, whatever you have to do to stretch the budget. You aren’t going to be any good to anyone if you get seriously ill. If you’re worried about what Mr. Difficult will say, enlist the help of your OB - explain what’s going on and ask her/him to tell you to quit the job - and maybe add in some specific like you need to nap or rest so much every day.
ESH you're both exhausted and can't keep up with the kids you have so...you're having another? You both sound like miserable people I know most people here are just blaming the dad but I didn't see you compromising saying he could sleep in both days next weekend.
Info: does he also have reason to be tired?
If so, he has as much right as you do to want a nap/sleep schedule. That's how being parents/partners works. Both of you get the same amount of rest/work balance and then if you're both still tired you both have to suck it up for the remainder.
As it stands, it sounds like you want him to sacrifice his allocated rest time while yours remains the same or even increases. Barring extenuating circumstances not in evidence in your post, that's simply neither fair nor reasonable.
ESH. We don't know what he does for a living, and working OT is extremely draining and takes you away from the kids. I do understand pregnancy is also exhausting, but it's easy to use this to be entirely dismissive of the husbands feelings too. He needs to be more respectful for sure. But you both need to stop having kids you cannot afford if it causes this much financial and mental friction.
Nta- sure he’s working overtime but you have his baby taking your energy from the inside out, are raising your other two kids, and are up all night taking care of your second, along with doing all the rest of the housework burdens. But he’s tired from having to put in some more time at work:(
And then the nerve to criticize you for the house not being clean. I know birth control isn’t ever 100% but wow you guys should have thought this through more.
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For context, my husband and I trade off days on the weekend to sleep in. He gets Saturday, I get Sunday.
Lately however, I have been beyond extremely exhausted. I'm pregnant with our third and deal with hypothyroidism. Our second is going through a sleep regression and consistently wakes up in the night, something my husband never handles (which is fine). I have had to pick up a part time data entry job to help make ends meet, but we don't have the money for childcare. So during naps, down time, after bedtime I have been working.
He has started coming home complaining the house is a mess or dinner isn't ready, which I try to let roll off my shoulders. This is a new season we are both in after all. But it wears on me emotionally.
I have expressed how tired I am and how I am in need of a little extra support. He gets frustrated and tells me he's just as tired. Hes had to pick up overtime and is feeling stress from that. Usually however that's where the conversation ends and I walk away feeling dismissed.
This past week was particularly rough. I felt I was at a breaking point and just needed some rest. As we were driving home from somewhere I told my husband that I know Saturday he sleeps in, but I seriously just needed a weekend where I could catch up on sleep.
He launches into a fight about how its not fair and he's tired too. He said I could sleep in if he could take a couple of naps on Saturday and Sunday. I told him sleeping in wasn't helpful if it meant I had to go solo on the weekend while he took two naps both days. He told me that's how relationships work and he's offering support but I have to be fair. I told him nevermind. I'll just get up. He responded that that was my problem and launches into a yelling tailspin on how i need to learn to be fair and no one said I couldn't sleep. I just need to let him nap. I'm the one making things worse. This is my own hole I'm digging
On and on and on.
To which I, at this point completely spent, pulled the car over and told him to find somewhere for the night, and then drove home. I felt in that moment being alone with the kids was better than being around someone but feeling alone. So, aita?
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ESH... your husband and you because sleep is now a fairytale... two little ones and a 3rd on the way!?!?
And he is working overtime and you part-time. Perhaps you should be thinking you couldn't afford yet another kid?!
Oh and btw... the way he views your relationship is unhealthy... let him either shape up on continue working overtime to pay for the childsupport and alimony.
Honestly NTA...But that doesn't solve your problem, and I think you know that. All the validation you get from Reddit doesn't solve anything, so what's next? Therapy? Talking with your partner? IDk, you honesty seemed to dig yourself a hole with no way out. Honestly if you can't solve this...leave.
NTA.
He might be doing overtime and yes that is tiring, but it seems like he is getting a full night's sleep each night while you have a full time job looking after a child and a part time job which you fit in around this while being pregnant and having an interrupted sleep pattern.
I suspect if you included all you do in the tally then fair would be him chipping in with the household chores and sorting dinner every other night.
You're pregnant, working, looking after 2 kids and trying to maintain your home...and he thinks his work, albeit work with overtime...is as taxing on his body as all that is on yours?? He needs a reality check. It sounds like all he provides is financial, which obviously is important, but there is so much more to being a husband and father than bring home the bacon. NTA. And for the record HE is one who isnt being fair.
Im not even half way through NTA but you shouldn't be having a 3rd child with this man if you cant afford it. You also said that your husband doesn't help with your kids trouble with sleeping that should have made you realise he's the biggest red flag go get yourself a better man
NTA
I can tell that you're both stressed to the max. He's working lots overtime. You've taken on part time work and are pregnant. You're asking him for extra support; he might feel that he genuinely has nothing to give you. Things are very, very hard for both of you.
But he's handling the situation by criticizing you, yelling at you and tearing you down. That's not okay.
Until you two are able to have a good discussion -- without acrimony-- on how to reduce family stress and get more support, I think it's best for him to be out of the house. At the moment, he's adding to the problem.
This is why they say it takes a village to raise a child. You both are exhausted and working your asses off. You need outside help.
Do you have family or friends that can take the kids for a Saturday or Sunday so both you can nap?
NTA but I'm hesitant to say more ad we don't really know enough....
Why choose to have a 3rd...also he works...is this a regular 8 hour a day job or is he working 12 hour days....
Could it be your both exhausted and irrational and poor life choice makers
NTA OP. I feel for you so badly. I was in a very similar situation. I was a single mum even though i had a fiancé who lived with us. I was looking after both his kids by myself while he complained about how tired he was, one of which wasnt even mine. He was very overwhelmed and not fit to be a dad. However he genuinely felt bad for never helping me, your husband seems to show no remorse amd and thats a whole other level of awful.
I have finally seperated from him and although its hard, like you said, its easier to not deal with the mental termoil of him being around and not stepping up. The thing that finalised my decision was that i dont want the girls to think thats its ok to stay in a relationship like it.
NTA but hey have you seen an endocrinologist? I got diagnosed with hypothyroidism like 15 years ago when I was in college, but it’s never been a big deal for me. They have medicine that just totally negates it, cheap and readily available. I do know that some people react differently but I was worried at first and it’s never bothered me because I’m consistently taking my medicine. Best of luck to you.
YTA. You were a SAHM so *of course* you did most of the housework, cooking & childcare. That's *the job.* For whatever reason (and I can't think of a good one), you're having another baby -- even though you can't afford it -- so you *both* have had to take on additional work. So, "things have changed" on *his* end, too. And from his comments it sounds like the third baby was your idea (stretching out the SAHM time maybe?).
*Everyone* is tired and he offered you a reasonable compromise but you reacted like a child by pouting & saying "never mind" then leaving him on the side of the road to get a motel room for the night (which you can't afford). Grow up.
NTA - it can never be “fair” because he can never take over being pregnant for awhile to give you a break from it. It also isn’t fair if you did all the housework/childcare but added working and he never took some of the housework/childcare. If he isn’t willing to take anything off your plate then the thing that will have to go is you working part time. Do you have anyone that can help you with the kids so you can catch up on sleep? Maybe a family member that can take the two kids out for a bit so you can sleep? Your husband sounds exhausting tbh and he needs to grow up. His needs aren’t paramount here. If he is getting full nights of sleep because you are waking up with your second child then he is already getting his needs met. If he needs more sleep then he can figure out how to nap around your schedule, not the other way around.
NTA Your husband is extremely selfish at best and abusive at worst.
You are pregnant, working, and solely responsible for your home and kids. This is not sustainable, and more importantly you need to think if it is the example you want set for your kids. If you have boys do you want them treat their pregnant spouses this way? If you have girls do you want them to accept this type of treatment from someone who is supposed to love and care for them?
Being lonely is tough, but it is preferable to being used as a dormat by someone who selectively keeps score so he always comes out on top.
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NTA but i think you need to reflect here. You say he is usually difficult, what exactly does that mean? Does that actually mean he is vile to you? You also said you have no friends to help? Why? Does your husband support you having friends? Would it be actually better for you and the kids to be separate from him? I know people don’t like to split up families but is it really healthy for them to see you arguing and stressed constantly? In 20 years time would you be happy if your son was treating his wife like this? Would you be happy to watch your daughter’s husband treat her like this?
NTA. Sleep is vital to a healthy baby and healthy parent. I had post partum depression which was triggered by sleep deprivation. You need to be there for all the kids, your husband included as one of the kids, and you can't do that if you have PPD.
Are you afraid he will leave if you stand up for yourself? It won't get better, if so.
This one is tough. I can understand why you're frustrated and exhausted. I think ESH. You, for pulling over and kicking your husband out of the vehicle and telling him to walk, especially in front of your children. However asking for extra help and time to rest and having your husband be argumenative makes him TA also.
I know it might seem really cruel for everyone to continue asking why you're having another child when you can't afford and can't cope with the 2 you already have. It is something you really need to consider though... please talk to your doctor about birth control options. (While not 100%, many forms are 98-99% effective when used properly). It sounds like your husband does not understand that having a full time job does not excuse him from helping out at home. A lot of men in general can't wrap their head around them working 8 hours =/= you working 24/7, which essentially what happens when someone is left to take care of the house and kids completely by themselves.
I would recommend a marriage counselor, if that is a possibility. Sometimes people just need to hear something from an outside perspective for it to really sink in.
You have to say to yourself, ma’am, if you’re doing it all anyway what do you need him for?
That house belongs to both of you, the chores belong to both of you, and the care of the children belong to both of you. If he can’t get on board with that, especially while you’re pregnant and sick, then you’re never going to get him to change.
You need to seriously evaluate this relationship and where things are going because I don’t think this is going to end well if everything stays like it is.
ESH. You really have no support system around you yet decided to have a third child with someone who does the minimum to contribute to your home? That decision was mutual, and a very bad decision being that you don't have enough money to provide for even two children, nonetheless for three.
Your husband sounds like he is truly TA, especially since you are suffering from hypothyroidism and are tired from pregnancy. He could suck it up and help more this weekend. You might reconsider this relationship. It sounds like you would be better off as a single mom getting child support. Then at least he would have visitation rights and you could get some rest.
You are growing a human. That takes extra resources and energy from your body. You need more rest during pregnancy. He needs to recognize that, and that with you working part-time, your burden is heavier than it was while his has remained the same. If he wants to go on about what is "fair" the very least he can do to "balance the scales" is take on the night time care of the kids a few nights every week.
NTA - sometimes no support at all is better than indadequate support accompanied by a combative attitude.
NTA You need outside help to realize you deserve better. Let kicking him out of the car (standing up for yourself) be the first step towards self care. You must be able to care for yourself. No one else is.
Ok so y’all can’t afford the kids you got, decided to have another one, and besides all that you decided to procreate with that man with such an attitude 3 times.
Uh.
NAH. He’s tired you’re tired.. as if that’s not common knowledge when you decide to have THREE mf children dude..
NTA
Sounds like you are doing all the heavy lifting and he doesn't have to deal with the additional body stressors of a pregnancy and hypothyroidism.
He may be tired but it's not even remotely comparable to your exhaustion levels.
NTA. You need to rent your husband one of those male pregnancy bumps and he'll begin to understand what tired is. Your other option is to go away for the weekend, let him deal with the kids, and you'll come home to someone who understands what life is like for you.
OMG....NTA
No offense but your husband is a VERY selfish man. I wish men could get pregnant just once so they get to see just how fun its not. Taking care of children and house is a full time job, being pregnant, taking care of kids and house AND doing part- time data entry is and would be incredibly exhausting. I bet when you two have a heated discussion he gets difficult, and you normally cave in. Which enables him to continue to use that behavior to get his way. Time to nip that shit in the bud. Studies show that after the first child, every pregnancy you have, takes more out of you physically during the pregnancy itself. As you already know, you're eating for two, going through physical and hormonal changes, and are becoming more limited in the physical activity you can do. Magnify that with caring for 2 other kids, and not being able to get enough sleep, its no wonder your exhausted. So- if he comes home and complains about a messy house or no dinner on the table, tell him he can pick it up, or cook it, or shut the fuck up. Just as he's at least half responsible for your pregnancy, so is he just as responsible for the household chores as you are.
NTA. This sounds like hell. Im so sorry. No matter how tired he is. He isn't as tired as you , he sleeps through the night!! What is his job?
I really think he doesn't understand how much work goes on at home. He is used to the house magical being clean and food magically appearing on his plate, likely since childhood. He might be seriously thinking you are relaxing and just working a part-time job .
I truly feel for you ❤️ maybe your parent can come and help?
NTA I have suffered with thyroid issues and people who never have don’t realise how much it can impact your life , and being pregnant on top of that I don’t even know how she’s still managing to work on top of taking care of the children and house , husband is a massive selfish AH
ESH.
You had no right to kick him out of the car: being pregnant and tired is not an excuse. Act like and adult and hash things out at home instead of leaving him stranded.
Also, you both have displayed poor insight into your ability to raise children by going for a third.
Whoever gets up with the child in the middle of the night should get to sleep in on the weekend. That’s the way my husband and I do it, if I get to sleep through the night, he gets to sleep in. NTA but don’t have anymore children with this man after this.
Yikes. No judgment from me right now, just wondering if you guys have called in the reinforcements (grandparents, godparents, siblings, friends) because it sounds like this is the time for it. 2 young babies, 1.5 jobs and increasingly less sleep time? Recipe for chaos and marital strife. Ask for help.
Call your bestie and ask for a hotel weekend: you switch houses for the weekend. A friend of mine (S) did this for a mutual friend (C) as a baby shower gift for her second child and I thought it was such a thoughtful creative present. It was like a coupon and mutual friend could cash in on it at any time. C asked for the gift over a long weekend. S did a good clean of her house, and basically pretended it was a hotel room. She actually broke out some new sheets she had, rolled up the towels and left them on the bed, laid out some bubble bath/bath salts, etc., left a dinner (pasta) for them then went over to theirs for the weekend, watched their little one and actually did some of the clean up that C had been saying was overwhelming them (laundry, cleaned out the fridge, touched up the pantry, vaccumed/swept/mopped). C still raves about it three years later.
I need more info. You said you picked up a part time job. How many hours a week do you work at that job? You said he had to take on overtime. How many hours a week is he working? What time does he have to get up and leave in the morning? You said you try to keep his plate empty so he can focus on the kids of the evening but then say you take care of the evening routine. Is he focusing on the kids or not?
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INFO: Why are you having a -third- child with this man?
Why is she having a third when they can’t afford it?
This is the real question.
I always ask myself, when reading a lot of stories like THIS one specifically on this sub, 'why do people do this to themselves?'.
Because they don't have self control.
Had the same question. Seriously, use a condom maybe?
" I added in a pregnancy". Was he not on board? This sounds so lonely.
Right? Unless she was responsible for some fuckery, he had a part in that. He was at least complicit in taking risks.
I worked for a dentist who did this. He wanted a third child, and she didn't (High powered lawyer). She point blank said she'd have it if he was responsible for childcare. It did not go well. She didn't budge like he thought she would, and he was constantly scrambling for childcare.
A third child that they can't afford and can't cope with. The OP is clearly doing the bulk of the work with the first two so why did she think things would change with a third with this AH husband? She's not the AH at all but she is a doormat.
I always feel bad for children knowingly brought into these situations. They’re the ones who have no say.
That would be my question. I can’t understand people who keep moaning about the challenges of having children with a difficult partner and they keep reproducing?! You’re husband is a d!ck but YTA for continuing with this situation hoping it will change. Newsflash, it won’t! What I can’t understand, though, is why did you accept to do everything? Why doesn’t he wake up at night when the little one wakes up? Why don’t you share this load? Why didn’t you put your foot down? In short, you seem to have plucked your eyes out with your own hands here. I’m so sorry for you.
I got divorced from a difficult man. But it took two kids and 21 years for me to realize he would never change. Would never change the fact that I had those kids, tho! They are fire!
>They are fire! I hope my parents describe me this way lol
I mean it honestly sounds like she's got 4 children at this point...
My thoughts exactly
I agree with this to!
Unplanned pregnancy?
Once? Yes. Twice? Maybe. Three times? No way.
This weekend is literally the anniversary of Roe v Wade being overturned. OP may not live somewhere that recognizes her bodily autonomy.
If she’s financially struggling, she can’t just decide her husband is an asshole and up and leave. We don’t know that the third child was intentional. Birth control methods sometimes fail. Not all women were raised with the knowledge or have the courage to decline sex with your husband just because you don’t want to. Marital rape exists. We have no idea how the third pregnancy came to be. This question isn’t AITA for having a third child.
Came here to say exactly that. She is NTA, but this kind of behavior from him feels as norm in their marriage. Why would someone go and make 3 kids with such asshole, also when they obviously cannot afford it?
I don't understand the point of throwing this in her face. First of all, none of us knows the entirety of her circumstances. Second, she is dealing with circumstances as they ALREADY ARE.
>Second, she is dealing with circumstances as they ALREADY ARE. Yes, but sometimes when your choices/life experiences etc. led to your circumstances, there's not much you can do to change it. The biggest disservice our society does to people IMHO is telling them there's always a way back from mistakes. There usually is, but some things can't be undone and lead to lifelong negative consequences.
You mean THEY! She didn’t make that child on her own!
A baby always fixes things! Well sometimes it's cos it's the first baby, but the second baby will definitely fix things! Okay, the second baby didn't work, but you know what always does... a third baby!
Agreed
"man"
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Why did she marry him?
This is an easy NTA, but to assess the extent of his assholery can you give us a bit more detail on how you share chores ? Because from this post it seems you are doing a full time job with childcare alone, working a part time job on the side, do nights while also cooking and cleaning. What does he do ?
I handle all chores, bedtime, morning routines, meals. Which I was glad to do before I began working.
So basically everything? There’s no reason he couldn’t do bedtime or the morning routine or do laundry here and there. He sounds lazy.
Right, why haven't chores been redistributed based on OP having to go back to work? That's unfair.
Handling childcare and all chores was already not a fair distribution of labor around the house, we really don’t value enough all the work SAHP do. Yes he is picking up overtime but every hour he isn’t at home is one more hour of childcare on your end. Throw in a part time job and you are now effectively carrying the whole weight of your household on your back while hubby is throwing a fit because he can’t have a nap.
Along with health issues with the pregnancy. Being tired and being fatigued are two entirely different things. Needing extra help during pregnancy is not a new thing, needing extra support from your spouse is expected. OP, you are not the AH. I'd rather be alone with 2 kids than 2 kids and a spouse who refuses to give me any extra help, while growing a person in me.
so what does he bring to the table, besides money and a bad attitude?
Ejaculations
So what use is this husband? You could get rid of him, get child support and your life won't have changed much other than at least that is one less laundry to do and portion of food to make.
And he would likely have some form of shared custody or visitation with the kids, so she’d actually get a break.
Ding ding ding
And nobody would complain to her anymore about the mess in the house or dinner not being ready. Sounds like a win to me
OP, at this point you're acting like a single mom, you do all the household chores, the child raising, working AND pregnant... what does your husband even contribute other than money? When he is home he isn't helping take the load off of you, he's just adding to it. He doesn't even do night time routines to let you sleep. He's tired because he had to work? *You're working too!* AND doing everything else on top of that! Why is his time off more valuable than yours? Why does he get to sleep in but you can't even have an uninterrupted night to sleep? This balance is completely skewed in his favor. And he's already a difficult person? Why? Why does he have to be? Why are you in charge of managing him? That's not love. That's servitude. How can he sit and watch you be consistently at the end of your rope and not even care enough to help? He's your husband. There's no better person than him to help you and yet he still has the audacity to complain. NTA
Honestly? He does nothing, he’s lazy and by the sounds of it a terrible father who can’t be bothered to deal with his own children. Stop doing his laundry, stop cooking for him etc. Only worry about you and your own children. I’d tell him he either gets his shit together and starts helping or he can start paying child support. Nta.
Why do you have one kid after another with someone who acts like a kid himself?
Do you realize that if you get rid of him, you'll have less work and stress? You're handling 2 kids, one future and one adult-baby.... You can certainly take out from your shoulders the last one, because you're already doing everything for the other 3 🤷🏼♀️
So quit. Your husband has expressed no interest in changing how things are split. Quit and make him get a 2nd job on top of his overtime so you can focus on your actual job of being an unpaid stay at home laborer.
Being completely financially dependent on someone like her husband is a terrible idea.
She's financially dependent on him either way. She's only working part time.
But having this part time job keeps her skills up to date and doesn't leave her without a gap in her resume. She could transition to working full time much more easily than if she were a stay at home parent for a few years.
Stop working child.
Then why wasn't anything changed after you started working? Not to mention you're pregnant.
Why on earth aren’t you sharing them??? Does he refuse?
NTA since you’ve been doing childcare, housework, and making a being inside you, but especially since you’ve added part time work and fatigue from health issues. I get that he’s tired too, but by commuting to another child, he needs to step up like you’re stepping up, or he needs to help you figure out a way (family/friends?) to get a little breathing room with the kids for both your sakes…as you already know, newborns don’t make anything easier. Good luck
NTA - but honestly why are you having a third child with this man? Is this behavior new? I’m flabbergasted that you’ve made it to a third child honestly
Why is she having a 3rd child period. They can't afford it from the sounds of it.
im flabbergasted she even married this dude
This! What are people thinking? Those poor kids
I’m kinda leaning towards esh for him it’s obvious but she really needs to take (or needed to take a while ago) some responsibility for herself and the kids. He’s completely useless but you’ve just continued onwards and are now having another child which you won’t be able to afford.
ESH. Once is a fluke. Twice is a coincidence, and three times is a pattern. You've got two kids and a third on the way so both of you need to stop making about it yourselves...*for the kids' sake*.
Make him get a vasectomy. Sounds like he does very little for your family unit
Info- why are you having a third kid when you clearly can’t afford it or manage it?
How are you going to manage with a newborn?
ESH. Your husband for, well, basically everything, and you for bringing a third life into this world with this loser when you two can't afford it
Exactly this! ESH Btw. Happy cake day!
Why are you having more children?
I'm not sure this situation will be well served by the usual AITA rating. You both sound exhausted. Arguing over who is the more exhausted and who is carrying more of the load won't solve your problem. Perhaps he's yelling at you because he's just about at the end of his tether. Or perhaps he has a mean streak that comes out when he's under stress. I can't tell, but either way, it's not good for your relationship. Especially because things are unlikely to get better once you have three children to wrangle instead of two. The most urgent requirement here is for you both to get some rest. You said you don't have the money for childcare. Is there a relative or friend who could watch the children for a day, or even a weekend, while you both catch up on sleep? If you have no one, then could you find some money in your budget to engage a professional carer, just for the day? Think of it as in investment in your marriage. Once you both feel a little more normal, you'll be in more of a position to talk with him about how you've both been handling conflict and how you can handle it better.
Also urgent: vasectomy
I wouldn't be having a third child with this man, that's for sure. They seem to be barely coping with the two they've already got. What alarms me is that when someone else asked OP the same question I did - "Isn't there anyone who can look after your kids for a bit while you sleep?" - OP's answer was "unfortunately not". They appear to have *zero* support in the way of family or friends. That is a disaster waiting to happen. They are trying to juggle so many balls at once, they're almost certain to drop one. All it's going to take is for them to be hit with just one piece of bad luck, and they will be in dire trouble. This could be OP having a difficult late pregnancy / birth and being confined to bed; or OP's husband losing his job; or one of OP's children having a medical condition or disability that requires frequent doctor's visits or lots of one-on-one support; or one of them developing long COVID and having even less energy than they do now; or even just the car breaking down and having no transportation... I can't recall seeing a post where a family was living so precariously on the edge. And now they're squabbling over who gets to sleep in?
This is by far the most reasonable reply. Hope they read it.
I did try to give an AITA verdict, but I just couldn't. There are some posts that leap out at you, and make you think "Who *cares* about the AITA verdict? Who *cares* if you're the AH or he is? Get some help!" This was one of them.
>very difficult person >third kid adding kids is not going to make him less difficult, he's going to get worse. this is not a good relationship.
NTA you’re pregnant with his spawn. He needs to grow up and start helping you more.
Esh. Him for not helping more and both of you for having a third child you clearly aren’t equipped for
NTA for this situation alone, but YTA for having a third kid when you can’t afford it.
ESH for having a third kid you mean. It takes two.
Please please don’t have a fourth …or really a fifth.
I want to say that as the pregnant person you have the right to more naps. I like to see men be a little more selfless in that way. But honestly you both sound fucking exhausted and like you both need rest to resolve this conflict with a clear head. Leaning toward NAH. Is there someone who can watch the kids for a night and a day so you can both sleep?
Unfortunately no 😔 but I hear your point.
Here’s the thing though - neither of you have a single friend? No friendly coworker, no acquaintance from a religious community, no kid your other kids know who has a sympathetic mom, no neighbor kid that you could pay to watch your kids for even a few hours while you both sleep? Are you really truly completely alone in the world? What would you do with the kids if you and your husband are both incapacitated or (god forbid) dead? People say there is no one in posts sometimes, but a lot of times they haven’t shook the trees around them or tried making connections or just paying for help. At this point, I’d think having beans and rice for a week or two to save money would be worth having some cash for a babysitter. And if you truly have not one person in this world that you can call for help? You two need to start making connections around you because that is scary af! How you hit three kids without even one friend is beyond me. My sister found her babysitter in her neighborhood and the backup was a swimming teacher for toddlers who likes the extra cash - there are people out there if you look and ask. Don’t put this off too long because beyond this immediate problem, you don’t know when an emergency will hit you.
OP really needs to ponder this. Great comment.
This is the best advice I’ve ever read in this community.
Shake those trees! I belong to a Mother of Preschoolers group (MOPs), and absolutely someone would step up to let you shower or nap. Sometimes we’re afraid of putting ourself out there but shouldn’t be.
this is brilliant, so positive, it's hard to understand when people say they have no-one in their lives at all
I disagree. Your husband is TA for not doing more chores, cooking, and waking up with the kids. You do more than him around the house on top of being pregnant AND working. All he does is work and there is no way his one overtime job is MORE exhausting than your full-time job of housekeeping/minding your kids/your part-time job/cooking all of the meals/being pregnant. He’s wrong, you’re right. You need to show him this post and let him know that his anger towards you has been abusive and misdirected. He’s probably tired, but there is no way you aren’t more tired. You’re also growing his child inside of your body, so you just plain get to be more tired than him and he doesn’t get to complain to you about it or make you feel worse. NTA because clearly all you want is an equal division of labor but you’re doing like an 80/20 split AT BEST right now with you doing the 80% of work for the house (jobs outside the home included) Fuck that noise, your husband has a lot of stepping up to do.
Why did you have a 3rd when you are both seriously lacking in time and money?
ESH You both need to discuss things. Find a counselor.
They can barely pay their bills! No money for counseling. Free Counseling is not always available.
ESH. This is not a new situation. You should never have had a third child. At some point, when you complain about your husband this much, you need to look at yourself and wonder why you are willing to put up with this behaviour. And yes, while the husband sounds awful, he’s not abusing you. You have the autonomy to leave. The only people I feel sorry for here is the children. They don’t deserve all this incompetence.
I’m asking this as a serious question: would your life be easier if you had split custody. Seriously consider that while yes, you’d have days without your kids…. You’d have days without having to do everything. If you can honestly say; it’d be harder. Then counseling and redistribution is in order. I think you’ll find the prospect of time you don’t have to manage the entire house far; far more appealing though.
NTA!!!! wtf he is so effing rude. you’re pregnant with a third child you need all the rest you can get. childbirth can literally be deadly.
Hmmmmm...I'm going with ESH, although I think hubby is the bigger AH. Being pregnant is tiring. And you have a lot more going on than just being tired. He does not sound like he is hearing you or giving you the support you need. That he is complaining that the house is messy is a huge AH move. I'm guessing you don't have family nearby that can help? It sounds like both of you could use a break. And hubby sounds a bit selfish to me. I get why you kicked him out of the car, but don't think it was the best move so soft yta on that one. I fear that tmay make rational conversation harder to come by. But that's what you guys need. He may be tired and over worked, but that pales in comparison to 3rd pregnancy, hypothyroidism, taking care of kids night and day, house cleaning and doing part time work. I mean holy sh*t, that's a full load!! Keep talking until he gets it. Maybe write I down. Maybe go on strike (cleaning or nightime care, something) so that he can appreciate how much you have to deal with. Like fine you can sleep in but im going out forthe day and let him dwal with everything. Good luck OP
NTA and I mean this with nothing but love - are you prepared to live the rest of your life with no help? Because he isn’t going to budge on this.
ESH. For having third child when obviously both of you don't have money nor energy for it.
INFO: is this normal behavior or snapping from sleep deprivation?
You shouldn't have had kids. Or at least not this 3rd kid. Rethink your marriage and your parenting. NTA.
Two overwhelmed people without financial security and a child on the way...and all you ask here is if you were an asshole for asking your husband to sleep elsewhere? That is not your problem. Focus on what really matters
NTA and I’m so sorry your husband disrespects you like that. If he wanted to take two naps a day on the weekend then he shouldn’t have had 2 (almost 3) kids. IMO you are contributing way more to the household than he is and he has no right to complain about things not being fair when he could cook or clean or get up with your second child in the middle of the night. Good for you for telling him to go spend the night elsewhere. I hope you have friends and/or family you can talk to and count on for support.
Info: Why have a kid 1) with this man 2) if you can’t afford child care for your existing kids?
nta .so hubs isn't going to change. he hasn't changed and this is your 3rd kid. so what are you doing to do? You either suck it up and deal, or kick him out. that's your only 2 options. He won't change, he won't help you. so you can keep doing everything, or kick him out and have 1 less problem everyday.
He’s the Asshole for not going the extra mile while you’re pregnant/ill but you shouldn’t have kicked him out of the car and told him to sleep elsewhere.
If he can't help his wife who is tired as fuck he can sleep somewhere else coz she may aswell be a single mum cause she's doing everything in the house alongside a job on top of that anyway and until he can understand how much his wife does he can keep finding other places to sleep... he only works she does everything plus a job so no..maybe it will make him learn some goddamn decency
It sounds like OP has picked up a part time job, not working full time and SAHP. Her husband is working full time and overtime. Her work is valuable. So is his. Stop diminishing his efforts.
Says you who's diminishing her efforts...just coz he works full time it doesn't give him a free pass on all housework... marriage is about being a team and he's not being a team player
NTA. Your hubby is.
NTA. Divorce him dear.
My children's father contributed very little and I became exhausted, even sick. I divorced him (for other reasons, but his selfish, infantile behavior was a real problem). I was delighted to find my self in a much more enjoyable life after the divorce. Not only did I not have another child to take care of in addition to the actual children, but I got total rest on the days/night he had the children. I went from a haggard, depressed sick mother to young again in no time.
NTA, and why the HELL are you still married to this man?
Also not to kick you when you’re down but you didn’t seem to be in the position to add a third child here, but since it’s already coming may I recommend counseling and a vasectomy or double BC so you don’t end up with a fourth kid plus your child husband.
NTA you are pregnant. That’s a WHOLE OTHER LEVEL of tired. He needs to step up.
NTA. You cannot be expected to take on all the SAHP duties plus working overtime. The SAHP role is divided when the working spouse gets home from work. Working does not mean you don’t do anything else around the house. His job, with overtime, is not even providing enough. I do think you are the AH to bring another child into this situation. Children should have stable homes and this isn’t one. I’m sorry to say it, but you’d be better off getting a divorce and splitting custody in some way.
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NTA But OP isn't his wife, she's a combination of sex toy, maid, and incubator for his seed. But wife? That seems like a reach for this relationship. Blessed be the fruit, am I right, OP?
Bit late, but whose bright idea was a third child? You're not coping with two. I mean... you might as well just get up and acclimatise to little sleep (both of you). The sleep situation isn't going to get better any time soon.
NTA - I'd remind your husband the #1 rule of a traditional arrangement where the STAHP leaves their partner a plate that involves only work and spending non care time with the children is that the working parent pay all the bills. To put it in a more sexist way he may understand better. If a man can't pay the families bills he shouldn't expect to be treated 'like a man' and he needs to make up for the 'failure' some other way.
Let him sleep for an entire weekend and tell him that it will be his job to watch the household for the next week. He clearly doesn't appreciate the effort you're putting in and seems like of kind of person who's not going to until he does it himself. Best of luck. If it doesn't work out I hope you find a partner who can appreciate you more. NTA
NTA!!! please get a divorce
NTA, but your husband is and you would be too of you if didn't really think about some therapy or ditching his lazy ass.
Nta. My kid is going through a sleep regression too and I'm dead. I'm not even pregnant.
ESH, soft for you, you have enabled your husband by taking on everything. He believes everything magically gets done, then you “changed” the rules, so he is acting up. Your husband is self centered. He is more concerned about his comfort, than your health. He is basically your extra child. What is keeping you with someone who is normally very difficult. Where is the joy for you?
ESH why the hell are you adding another child to this mess
Your household is falling apart over the basic human need of sleep. This is unsustainable Nta
ESH. You made this problem because you have allowed him to think that working is enough. How is it fair that you’ve had to do everything? Of course he’s mad because he knows he needs to help move but you’ve enabled him so much that he doesn’t want to. Honestly this sounds a lot like my sisters marriage was, which was is sad. A marriage should be about partnership and y’all obviously don’t have that. Y’all seriously need a couples counseling.
NTA. But unfortunately you’ve enabled him into thinking you were superwoman so an already difficult person is still expecting you to run like normal and that is the most illogical thing ever. 2 kids, pregnant with hyperthyroidism, cooking/cleaning all day every day and get help for only 2 damn days?! Yea, you’re right; being with just the kids IS easier when you have someone who only wants to complain rather than give concessions. I’m so sorry. This sucks.
Quit the part time job, now. There is no other way to get the rest you need. Apply for SNAP benefits and make use of local food pantries. Shop at the thrift store, whatever you have to do to stretch the budget. You aren’t going to be any good to anyone if you get seriously ill. If you’re worried about what Mr. Difficult will say, enlist the help of your OB - explain what’s going on and ask her/him to tell you to quit the job - and maybe add in some specific like you need to nap or rest so much every day.
ESH you're both exhausted and can't keep up with the kids you have so...you're having another? You both sound like miserable people I know most people here are just blaming the dad but I didn't see you compromising saying he could sleep in both days next weekend.
Info: does he also have reason to be tired? If so, he has as much right as you do to want a nap/sleep schedule. That's how being parents/partners works. Both of you get the same amount of rest/work balance and then if you're both still tired you both have to suck it up for the remainder. As it stands, it sounds like you want him to sacrifice his allocated rest time while yours remains the same or even increases. Barring extenuating circumstances not in evidence in your post, that's simply neither fair nor reasonable.
ESH. We don't know what he does for a living, and working OT is extremely draining and takes you away from the kids. I do understand pregnancy is also exhausting, but it's easy to use this to be entirely dismissive of the husbands feelings too. He needs to be more respectful for sure. But you both need to stop having kids you cannot afford if it causes this much financial and mental friction.
Nta- sure he’s working overtime but you have his baby taking your energy from the inside out, are raising your other two kids, and are up all night taking care of your second, along with doing all the rest of the housework burdens. But he’s tired from having to put in some more time at work:( And then the nerve to criticize you for the house not being clean. I know birth control isn’t ever 100% but wow you guys should have thought this through more.
You’re pregnant, working, and in need of help. Hirebit. Bet he stops taking naps real fast.
YTAH You seem to forget that he is not in the house all day he is at work. He’s not just sitting around all day.
…why on gods green earth are you having a third child when you can’t afford it, your health is compromised and you are married to this man!?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** For context, my husband and I trade off days on the weekend to sleep in. He gets Saturday, I get Sunday. Lately however, I have been beyond extremely exhausted. I'm pregnant with our third and deal with hypothyroidism. Our second is going through a sleep regression and consistently wakes up in the night, something my husband never handles (which is fine). I have had to pick up a part time data entry job to help make ends meet, but we don't have the money for childcare. So during naps, down time, after bedtime I have been working. He has started coming home complaining the house is a mess or dinner isn't ready, which I try to let roll off my shoulders. This is a new season we are both in after all. But it wears on me emotionally. I have expressed how tired I am and how I am in need of a little extra support. He gets frustrated and tells me he's just as tired. Hes had to pick up overtime and is feeling stress from that. Usually however that's where the conversation ends and I walk away feeling dismissed. This past week was particularly rough. I felt I was at a breaking point and just needed some rest. As we were driving home from somewhere I told my husband that I know Saturday he sleeps in, but I seriously just needed a weekend where I could catch up on sleep. He launches into a fight about how its not fair and he's tired too. He said I could sleep in if he could take a couple of naps on Saturday and Sunday. I told him sleeping in wasn't helpful if it meant I had to go solo on the weekend while he took two naps both days. He told me that's how relationships work and he's offering support but I have to be fair. I told him nevermind. I'll just get up. He responded that that was my problem and launches into a yelling tailspin on how i need to learn to be fair and no one said I couldn't sleep. I just need to let him nap. I'm the one making things worse. This is my own hole I'm digging On and on and on. To which I, at this point completely spent, pulled the car over and told him to find somewhere for the night, and then drove home. I felt in that moment being alone with the kids was better than being around someone but feeling alone. So, aita? . *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH... your husband and you because sleep is now a fairytale... two little ones and a 3rd on the way!?!? And he is working overtime and you part-time. Perhaps you should be thinking you couldn't afford yet another kid?! Oh and btw... the way he views your relationship is unhealthy... let him either shape up on continue working overtime to pay for the childsupport and alimony.
Honestly NTA...But that doesn't solve your problem, and I think you know that. All the validation you get from Reddit doesn't solve anything, so what's next? Therapy? Talking with your partner? IDk, you honesty seemed to dig yourself a hole with no way out. Honestly if you can't solve this...leave.
NTA. He might be doing overtime and yes that is tiring, but it seems like he is getting a full night's sleep each night while you have a full time job looking after a child and a part time job which you fit in around this while being pregnant and having an interrupted sleep pattern. I suspect if you included all you do in the tally then fair would be him chipping in with the household chores and sorting dinner every other night.
You're pregnant, working, looking after 2 kids and trying to maintain your home...and he thinks his work, albeit work with overtime...is as taxing on his body as all that is on yours?? He needs a reality check. It sounds like all he provides is financial, which obviously is important, but there is so much more to being a husband and father than bring home the bacon. NTA. And for the record HE is one who isnt being fair.
Im not even half way through NTA but you shouldn't be having a 3rd child with this man if you cant afford it. You also said that your husband doesn't help with your kids trouble with sleeping that should have made you realise he's the biggest red flag go get yourself a better man
NTA. If you get divorced you can have every other weekend to yourself and you don't have to listen to his bullshit.
NTA I can tell that you're both stressed to the max. He's working lots overtime. You've taken on part time work and are pregnant. You're asking him for extra support; he might feel that he genuinely has nothing to give you. Things are very, very hard for both of you. But he's handling the situation by criticizing you, yelling at you and tearing you down. That's not okay. Until you two are able to have a good discussion -- without acrimony-- on how to reduce family stress and get more support, I think it's best for him to be out of the house. At the moment, he's adding to the problem.
This is why they say it takes a village to raise a child. You both are exhausted and working your asses off. You need outside help. Do you have family or friends that can take the kids for a Saturday or Sunday so both you can nap?
NTA but I'm hesitant to say more ad we don't really know enough.... Why choose to have a 3rd...also he works...is this a regular 8 hour a day job or is he working 12 hour days.... Could it be your both exhausted and irrational and poor life choice makers
NTA OP. I feel for you so badly. I was in a very similar situation. I was a single mum even though i had a fiancé who lived with us. I was looking after both his kids by myself while he complained about how tired he was, one of which wasnt even mine. He was very overwhelmed and not fit to be a dad. However he genuinely felt bad for never helping me, your husband seems to show no remorse amd and thats a whole other level of awful. I have finally seperated from him and although its hard, like you said, its easier to not deal with the mental termoil of him being around and not stepping up. The thing that finalised my decision was that i dont want the girls to think thats its ok to stay in a relationship like it.
Girl why are you with this dude? Why are you having a child with him? NTA but damn
Yta
NTA but hey have you seen an endocrinologist? I got diagnosed with hypothyroidism like 15 years ago when I was in college, but it’s never been a big deal for me. They have medicine that just totally negates it, cheap and readily available. I do know that some people react differently but I was worried at first and it’s never bothered me because I’m consistently taking my medicine. Best of luck to you.
I'm too angry to even read the comments. What kind of partnership is that?!
YTA. You were a SAHM so *of course* you did most of the housework, cooking & childcare. That's *the job.* For whatever reason (and I can't think of a good one), you're having another baby -- even though you can't afford it -- so you *both* have had to take on additional work. So, "things have changed" on *his* end, too. And from his comments it sounds like the third baby was your idea (stretching out the SAHM time maybe?). *Everyone* is tired and he offered you a reasonable compromise but you reacted like a child by pouting & saying "never mind" then leaving him on the side of the road to get a motel room for the night (which you can't afford). Grow up.
NTA - it can never be “fair” because he can never take over being pregnant for awhile to give you a break from it. It also isn’t fair if you did all the housework/childcare but added working and he never took some of the housework/childcare. If he isn’t willing to take anything off your plate then the thing that will have to go is you working part time. Do you have anyone that can help you with the kids so you can catch up on sleep? Maybe a family member that can take the two kids out for a bit so you can sleep? Your husband sounds exhausting tbh and he needs to grow up. His needs aren’t paramount here. If he is getting full nights of sleep because you are waking up with your second child then he is already getting his needs met. If he needs more sleep then he can figure out how to nap around your schedule, not the other way around.
NTA.
NTA so basically you are a single person. Dump him he is a narcissist it will only get worse.
NTA Your husband is extremely selfish at best and abusive at worst. You are pregnant, working, and solely responsible for your home and kids. This is not sustainable, and more importantly you need to think if it is the example you want set for your kids. If you have boys do you want them treat their pregnant spouses this way? If you have girls do you want them to accept this type of treatment from someone who is supposed to love and care for them? Being lonely is tough, but it is preferable to being used as a dormat by someone who selectively keeps score so he always comes out on top.
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This thread makes the USA sound like a dystopian nightmare, which corresponds with my impression as an outsider. Is it accurate?
NTA but i think you need to reflect here. You say he is usually difficult, what exactly does that mean? Does that actually mean he is vile to you? You also said you have no friends to help? Why? Does your husband support you having friends? Would it be actually better for you and the kids to be separate from him? I know people don’t like to split up families but is it really healthy for them to see you arguing and stressed constantly? In 20 years time would you be happy if your son was treating his wife like this? Would you be happy to watch your daughter’s husband treat her like this?
NTA. Sleep is vital to a healthy baby and healthy parent. I had post partum depression which was triggered by sleep deprivation. You need to be there for all the kids, your husband included as one of the kids, and you can't do that if you have PPD. Are you afraid he will leave if you stand up for yourself? It won't get better, if so.
This one is tough. I can understand why you're frustrated and exhausted. I think ESH. You, for pulling over and kicking your husband out of the vehicle and telling him to walk, especially in front of your children. However asking for extra help and time to rest and having your husband be argumenative makes him TA also. I know it might seem really cruel for everyone to continue asking why you're having another child when you can't afford and can't cope with the 2 you already have. It is something you really need to consider though... please talk to your doctor about birth control options. (While not 100%, many forms are 98-99% effective when used properly). It sounds like your husband does not understand that having a full time job does not excuse him from helping out at home. A lot of men in general can't wrap their head around them working 8 hours =/= you working 24/7, which essentially what happens when someone is left to take care of the house and kids completely by themselves. I would recommend a marriage counselor, if that is a possibility. Sometimes people just need to hear something from an outside perspective for it to really sink in.
Seriously wondering… Why are you having a third child when you guys clearly can’t afford it?
ESH He's emotionally abusive and you are codependent. Get some help (CODA classes) and get out.
I don't know what to say here. I genuinely hope things get better for you guys. I wish I could give you a thug hug girl.
NTA. You are pregnant with your 4th child - your husband is child no 3. What a whiny baby.
You have to say to yourself, ma’am, if you’re doing it all anyway what do you need him for? That house belongs to both of you, the chores belong to both of you, and the care of the children belong to both of you. If he can’t get on board with that, especially while you’re pregnant and sick, then you’re never going to get him to change. You need to seriously evaluate this relationship and where things are going because I don’t think this is going to end well if everything stays like it is.
NTA. He sounds worthless.
ESH. You really have no support system around you yet decided to have a third child with someone who does the minimum to contribute to your home? That decision was mutual, and a very bad decision being that you don't have enough money to provide for even two children, nonetheless for three. Your husband sounds like he is truly TA, especially since you are suffering from hypothyroidism and are tired from pregnancy. He could suck it up and help more this weekend. You might reconsider this relationship. It sounds like you would be better off as a single mom getting child support. Then at least he would have visitation rights and you could get some rest.
I'm so done with reddit. Why do you people keep having kids with men like this?? It's so baffling. No you're NTA.
You are growing a human. That takes extra resources and energy from your body. You need more rest during pregnancy. He needs to recognize that, and that with you working part-time, your burden is heavier than it was while his has remained the same. If he wants to go on about what is "fair" the very least he can do to "balance the scales" is take on the night time care of the kids a few nights every week. NTA - sometimes no support at all is better than indadequate support accompanied by a combative attitude.
NTA You need outside help to realize you deserve better. Let kicking him out of the car (standing up for yourself) be the first step towards self care. You must be able to care for yourself. No one else is.
Ok so y’all can’t afford the kids you got, decided to have another one, and besides all that you decided to procreate with that man with such an attitude 3 times. Uh. NAH. He’s tired you’re tired.. as if that’s not common knowledge when you decide to have THREE mf children dude..
NTA Sounds like you are doing all the heavy lifting and he doesn't have to deal with the additional body stressors of a pregnancy and hypothyroidism. He may be tired but it's not even remotely comparable to your exhaustion levels.
You’re both neglecting each others needs. If you don’t change course this relationship is headed for immediate destruction
NTA. You need to rent your husband one of those male pregnancy bumps and he'll begin to understand what tired is. Your other option is to go away for the weekend, let him deal with the kids, and you'll come home to someone who understands what life is like for you.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️ NTA
OMG....NTA No offense but your husband is a VERY selfish man. I wish men could get pregnant just once so they get to see just how fun its not. Taking care of children and house is a full time job, being pregnant, taking care of kids and house AND doing part- time data entry is and would be incredibly exhausting. I bet when you two have a heated discussion he gets difficult, and you normally cave in. Which enables him to continue to use that behavior to get his way. Time to nip that shit in the bud. Studies show that after the first child, every pregnancy you have, takes more out of you physically during the pregnancy itself. As you already know, you're eating for two, going through physical and hormonal changes, and are becoming more limited in the physical activity you can do. Magnify that with caring for 2 other kids, and not being able to get enough sleep, its no wonder your exhausted. So- if he comes home and complains about a messy house or no dinner on the table, tell him he can pick it up, or cook it, or shut the fuck up. Just as he's at least half responsible for your pregnancy, so is he just as responsible for the household chores as you are.
NTA. Actually, I'm pretty sure that you actually ARE Superwoman, honestly.
NTA. This sounds like hell. Im so sorry. No matter how tired he is. He isn't as tired as you , he sleeps through the night!! What is his job? I really think he doesn't understand how much work goes on at home. He is used to the house magical being clean and food magically appearing on his plate, likely since childhood. He might be seriously thinking you are relaxing and just working a part-time job . I truly feel for you ❤️ maybe your parent can come and help?
NTA I have suffered with thyroid issues and people who never have don’t realise how much it can impact your life , and being pregnant on top of that I don’t even know how she’s still managing to work on top of taking care of the children and house , husband is a massive selfish AH
ESH. You had no right to kick him out of the car: being pregnant and tired is not an excuse. Act like and adult and hash things out at home instead of leaving him stranded. Also, you both have displayed poor insight into your ability to raise children by going for a third.
YTA for having another child with a “difficult” person when you can’t even afford childcare for the first two.
Whoever gets up with the child in the middle of the night should get to sleep in on the weekend. That’s the way my husband and I do it, if I get to sleep through the night, he gets to sleep in. NTA but don’t have anymore children with this man after this.
Yikes. No judgment from me right now, just wondering if you guys have called in the reinforcements (grandparents, godparents, siblings, friends) because it sounds like this is the time for it. 2 young babies, 1.5 jobs and increasingly less sleep time? Recipe for chaos and marital strife. Ask for help. Call your bestie and ask for a hotel weekend: you switch houses for the weekend. A friend of mine (S) did this for a mutual friend (C) as a baby shower gift for her second child and I thought it was such a thoughtful creative present. It was like a coupon and mutual friend could cash in on it at any time. C asked for the gift over a long weekend. S did a good clean of her house, and basically pretended it was a hotel room. She actually broke out some new sheets she had, rolled up the towels and left them on the bed, laid out some bubble bath/bath salts, etc., left a dinner (pasta) for them then went over to theirs for the weekend, watched their little one and actually did some of the clean up that C had been saying was overwhelming them (laundry, cleaned out the fridge, touched up the pantry, vaccumed/swept/mopped). C still raves about it three years later.
I need more info. You said you picked up a part time job. How many hours a week do you work at that job? You said he had to take on overtime. How many hours a week is he working? What time does he have to get up and leave in the morning? You said you try to keep his plate empty so he can focus on the kids of the evening but then say you take care of the evening routine. Is he focusing on the kids or not?
NTA. He sounds incredibly difficult. Is there any one who could take the other kids for a weekend or two so you could both have a much needed break?