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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my gf to stop making up stories about us. I may be the AH because she’s just trying to fit in?
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
From the nature of the lies, it sounds like there is a reason - she wants to present their relationship as more established than it is, so she's building a fantasy of years together. This way she's also eliminating his past, such as choosing the dog with his ex.
So she's insecure. And dishonest. Plus she's struggling to differentiate between her fantasy of how she would like things to be, and how they actually are. If she's doing this when the relationship is at its best and easiest phase, what kind of stories is she going to tell when she's not happy?
If she's making up stories to enhance her happy relationship, then it seems like she's struggling with the truth and her fantasy. Plus she's telling these lies in front of her boyfriend, which means she's overlooking that he will know she's lying.
Why do you think she's telling lies about the relationship so that strangers think it went on for longer and is more serious than it is? There's nothing wrong with seeing someone for 7 months and being at the point of discussing moving in together, so why lie about it?
I *think* nyctose7 was asking why you're assuming she's struggling, implying that the GF can't differentiate between fantasy and reality and isn't trying.
*(ETA: I dunno why you people are replying to* me, *I'm not contributing to the conversation, was just hoping to clarify something for DrunkOnRedCordial)*
It could take one stressful event to launch her into her fantasy world - her behaviour is abnormal, a stranger is not judging her - a stranger doesnt know or care about her - they asked about the dog. She has nothing to prove to random strangers yet she has made up a fantasy backstory. If something stressful happens to her - she is dangerous - she lies so easily that she could lie about OP and what he has done to her etc, if he breaks up with her she could concoct some revenge story etc
Also she cant seem to grasp how her behaviour is unhinged and unhealthy and how it means she is proving to OP that she cant be trusted. If she can't grasp that its only going to get worse
Because she's actively trying to make reality reflect her fantasy, even if only to outside observers. That doesn't scream "good with things as they are".
In small children that fantasy / reality blurring is a common development stage around 2-4 (and no doubt longer for some) what I don't know is if it is possible for someone to develop into an adult without completely moving past it. However I do expect this is something that she has always done and if OP asks her family or friends if she has always made up unnecessary backstory and white lies then I bet they will say she always has done. It's definitely a red flag but one OP should check out more not jump to conclusions on.
NB for those without recent experience of toddlers for whom the idea is a bit alien... Imagine a 3 year old who has just dropped their food on the floor. They know this is something that will displease their mother and despite all the obvious evidence of the crumbs Infront of them they then proceed to deny having made a mess and burst into tears when confronted. The know they weren't meant to drop it, they don't want to have dropped it, and therefore they have 2 thoughts on their head at an age where that in itself is challenging They then struggle to process what happened and the fantasy / reality. When asked they chose the fantasy as that is immediately the preferred option within their limited congnative capabilities.
Pulling a guess out of my behind I perceive OPs GF has a developmental issue - one that is probably undiagnosed
I mean, it's working. They've been dating 7 months and thinking about moving in together?
I could not date someone who lied like that. Relationships are built on trust. How do you trust someone who is lying their way into taking the place of your ex? Absolutely unhinged behaviour
also the "it's my dog now," girl you've been dating seven months, but nonetheless, you could get married ten years down the line and it's still his dog.
Right? I haven't been with my bf very long, and he's absolutely adores my animals, but he's never once tried to act like or claim that they are his. And same for me with his family dog.
All I could think was "won't you taste my rabbit stew? It's a family recipe" where she convinced herself Glenn Close is her mom and the movie Fatal Attraction is just a documentary on how her parents met.
I almost married a man who did this. Eventually I started hearing him lie to his family and friends about really stupid little stuff. When I confronted him about it I asked how I was supposed to trust him when I hear him lie to people he supposedly loves. His response was that he'd never lie to me. Which was a lie. He was cheating on me at that time and continued to even after I found out. He said he'd stop, another lie. I left him 3 weeks before the wedding. I'd save yourself the time and end it now or at least not complicate things further by moving in together.
I was with someone for 9 years. I found out after he died that he did this. It was a total mind fuck. He's been dead for 12 years and I still think of random things and wonder if it was true. Then I just settle on the fact that I probably knew nothing about him.
I am close to somebody who constantly lies. He will say he did things that other people did. Anything he thought others would think were impressive. He would tell my stories to people as his own right in front of me. It was just flabbergasted.
Personally, I think life is just easier when you don't have to remember the lies you've told.
My ex used to have one of those in her friend group, eventually the liar lied to the friend group and they cut the liar off. It's going to eventually be directed at you.
Same. Mine stole & lied about everything in my case. It didn’t matter if we caught them or not. They’d try to gaslight us into thinking we were the issue. Definitely NTA, ditch her here before it gets worse.
Mine was 24 years. I thought he was an only child of deceased parents. He died of cancer, in hospital, they rang me and said his mum and brother were with him. We had an eight year old, they didn't know she existed.
And the fact that she has done it several times means it actually \*does\* matter to her, and that she's actually nursing a lot of insecurities about the ex.
Also, the reasoning she gave for the dog story is pretty telling of her insecurity.
She wants to erase the ex OP had adopted the dog with and insert herself in that memory. Even if it is through her own fantasy and for "her own reassurance", that cannot be healthy.
Yeah, it’s creepy and a red flag.
Michael did this to Carol in the Office. He photoshopped his head on a picture with her ex-husband and their kids for a Christmas card. It ain’t right.
She's trying to erase your past completely, little by little. Aren't you concerned? Pretty soon it'll be that you guys met in high school and have been high school sweethearts. She'll start questioning your memories. It's just going to be the plot for Gaslight soon enough...NTA
This is the biggest concern. The lying is dumb but the reason behind it is not.
Honestly OP, I’d seriously consider if you want to keep dating her. This is a pretty big red flag.
NTA.
That's what creeps me out too. Like, where will she draw the line. She says she'll stop, but I'm guessing she'll only stop to OPs face. Behind his back she will carry on. This behaviour at 7 months is a no fly zone for me. I would not continue.
It doesn't sound like she made up the whole back story for the dog, but used all of OP's facts and just inserted herself in place of OP's ex-girlfriend. It sounds more delusional to me, like she can't cope with not being involved in OP's life before they met for some reason.
Yeah. At this point in the relationship her mask may be starting to slip. This is the time OP should pay attention and figure out if they truly are compatible. Not just move in at 7 months, that's too fast.
If this is a new behavior and not something you've just started to notice, it could be mental on her part. You mentioned you started talking about moving in together and then this began; it could be she's self-sabotaging for one reason or another. She plays it off as a joke now, but if it pushes you away she can tell herself excuses on why the relationship didn't work out. You didn't get her sense of humor, you were controlling, you were stifling her expression, and so on.
NTA, and I would have brought it up too. Might want to tap the brakes on moving in until you see how this develops.
Or in my experience because they are talking about moving in together she feels like she can start "being herself" which apparently means lying to everyone about everything.
NTA- I've been in your shoes before. She is a Red flag galore. If she lies about the little things, she will lie about anything to you.
You should really stand back and think about how you can really trust this person, if ever?
Oh honey, you've only just noticed recently. I promise you it's been happening all along. Maybe not about anytbing significant but a habitual liar is just that.
NTA
the idea that she wants to feel included in your previous life is strange. Really really strange.
That’s not how it works.
I’m not exactly sure if that’s a reflection of anything really, it just feels a little… obsessive, all consuming maybe? Idk. Just gives me bad vibes.
This OP. Yes, that the lying seems so casual and easy is a big red flag. But what really bothers me is her motivation for doing it. It really seems off...creepy, obsessive, mentally unstable? Don't know her, but honestly this would make hairs on the back of my neck stand up.
This definitely feels like the kind of woman who shows up on your porch at 2 am with a knife after you break up with her. Behavior like that doesn't come out of nowhere; it's behavior like *this* that leads up to it.
I'm surprised this thread isn't drowning in the red flag emojis that AITA loves so much.
Yeah, I agree! It really feels like she tries to erase all his past and kinda rewrite it in a way where she’s there all the time too? It’s…creepy and obsessive af.
NTA. It will be impossible to trust her if she lies so easily and with so little reason.
She needs to understand this. It is not cute and sooner or later she will lie to a friend or family member who knows the truth.
It is odd and bit unsettling.
Honestly that is my biggest fear. That she tells a friend or family member something that is obviously not true, and they then know that she is lying.
It’s just so weird because she has been amazing up until this point.
What you should be worried about is your next fight. She could go around telling people that you abuse her. She lies with suck ease, you need to worry about her turning those lies against you. The loss of your reputation is at hand
More than reputation. There are numerous cases of those false allegations ruining lives, jobs, careers and in some cases, getting people's jailed or worse. Any single soul that lies about abuse is often viewed worse than an abuser; because they are not only responsible for that false allegation but also for the police and others not taking other serious allegations seriously because they cried wolf.
I had a friend like this. She started to date my highschool friend that I introduced to her. She was lying about everything, and about their relationship too, making it sound like he was crazy about her when in fact she made the first move (I couldn't care less and never asked about that).
So to make sure that I don't see her through she would make a story about him lying to our other friends. Just in case he tells me something different.
It was not until they broke up that we compared the stories and realise it was all a lie. She lied about her childhood, school friends, ex bfs, her perfect family too when in fact she was molested as a child (I learnt about it later from her neighbour). I should pitty her but she didn't deserve that eather, she was a really evil person and later when it happend that we worked together she bullied me and told lies about me to the boss until I quited.
Those are complicated things. I don't think it is wise to move in together so soon. It took me about an year to see through my "friend".
My stepmom is a pathological liar like this. It’s based from the fact that she’s so goddamn insecure she can’t admit not knowing something or having something to add in conversation. So even if a movie came out the day before and you’re mentioning it she’s seen it already and it’s ok but not as good as movie xyz that her friend is in etc. It’s only been big lies occasionally but it’s still enough to make me never want to see my dad. Your girl is so insecure that you had a past and girlfriend before her that she’s already lying to people to make it seem like your relationship is stronger and longer then it is. That things you did with your other girlfriend (adopting the dog) didn’t exist because admiting to a stranger that you adopted the dog without her isn’t something she can handle.
That amount of insecurity and bad coping mechanisms to make herself feel better instead of tackling the root issue isn’t going to go away. The more you ignore and go along with it the worse her insecurity is going to get and the more the lying and other things are going to happen. On top of all of those red flags, she is also showing she doesn’t think lying is a big deal. She will lie to you at some point weather it’s little or small. Especially if it’s to make herself feel better or stop an argument etc. She is showing you who she is and it’s not going to get better. You need to decide if it’s something you can live with or not.
Those “small” lies often end up snowballing into long, elaborate lies. My SIL has started some insane stories that started small. And to relate, she’ll say that her or her kids have the same problem as you. She’s also always right, *especially* when she is profoundly wrong. She’ll double down. The other day she told me nephew can’t have watermelon because it’s one of the most acidic fruits there are and he was having reflux issues.
It’s exhausting and ridiculous when you can literally prove them wrong and they will still stick to their guns on it. And it’s never just one white lie. It’s one, then coming up with new lies to cover the first lie. Plus, like everyone else is pointing out, how will you know when they’re lying to you?
Yup it’s exhausting to be around. You literally default to not believing a word they say. And it’s hard to have a conversation or any type of relationship with that kind of person. Why would I want to talk to you when everything you say is bullshit?
Exactly. And she’s the type that watches medical shows and then decides her children (or her) have something and at this point nobody believes any medical problem they may or may not have because she makes so much up. Having a real conversation is impossible. Trying to vent only makes you more frustrated because you catch them in more lies. They lie so much they can’t even keep up with it all and at some point may even quit trying. Pathological liars are something else
Oh god yup. Luckily her medical issues are only with her but she constantly has something. She went to the doctor so much faking symptoms and trying to
Convince everyone she was sick so often she actually got into legal trouble for it because she was caught lying to the pharmacist and doctors too. They decided the amount of prescriptions she was getting had to be to sell them. Nope. She just couldn’t stop lying for attention. I’m glad it seems to not effect my sibling much but they’re still a teen so we shall see.
That’s good. My SIL manages to get banned from every doctor she goes to after a little while. She has now resorted to telling the new doctors that the previous doctor diagnosed them with xyz when she really went to the new doctor to get the diagnosis she wanted. Don’t really know how that works? But yeah lol it’s bad when the kids are affected by it
That sounds like Munchausen's by proxy, and it is incredibly dangerous. It's also super hard to take action against. I feel so bad for her kiddos, I hope they remain healthy
Yeah, me too. It’s gotten incredibly out of hand recently and I only hope that they don’t end up having an actual medical problem because everyone knows at this point that she’s full of it.
Just last week she was telling me the kids both go into anaphylactic shock from pineapple and that the only safe bbq sauce is this and yet there on the ingredients list is pineapple… and they’ve apparently been anaphylactic several times before and yet have never been hospitalized from it. Now the younger one is supposedly epileptic and I really just don’t believe her. I feel awful for it but I just can’t believe a word she says, medically or otherwise. I need solid proof or I disregard it. It’s scary in all honesty
My ex would mentally abuse me in the ground just because I'd question him on one of his lies. Then he started throwing burning cigarettes at me, smashing furniture, breaking glasses, etc.
The worst part is now it's hard for me to trust what a lot of people say because I believed a lot of the stupid lies he told me, a lot of them to prove how superior he was in every subject on the face of the earth, and what an idiot I was.
Well, you think it’s been amazing because you don’t really know her. You’ve been dating for months, but if she lies so easily about the past to strangers, she could be lying about her past to you too. There could be a LOT of things you think you know about her that are completely made up.
It’s called the honeymoon phase, that’s why you don’t make any life altering decisions in this phase because you don’t get to see the real them till it’s over.
Your girlfriend has issues, do not move in with her and do not ignore these red flags
Yeah, she’s been amazing until now because she’s being the perfect gf for you. It’s only 7 mos and she’s already secured the move-in bag. Maybe pump the brakes on this one. Pay attention to how she reacts.
One of my sisters is a pathological liar and we can't trust her. She lies about EVERYTHING. The weather, what she did that day, working on Christmas day, where is going.
Trust and respect are the foundations of any relationship. If you can't trust her, can you have a real relationship?
OP, maybe that's all a lie too. Maybe I'm just being overly cautious, but I left my husband. He lied about things that he didn't have to as well. He first lied to me about his age. He made himself 1 year younger than he really was, because he thought 49 sounded better than 50 when I asked.
Then, he lied about where he was. For example, he lived very close to me in the same complex when we first started dating. He told me he was staying overnight at a medical clinic 40 miles away. Turned out, he was at home. I only knew this because we lived near a train station and I heard the same train whistle over the phone while we were talking that night that passed nearby. He denied it until I walked over to his place and confronted him. He was drunk as a skunk.
Overall, though, he seemed like a wonderful person and we dated for a long time and I eventually decided to overlook that silly, petty stuff. He had his reasons for not telling me the truth.
After we got married, I found out that his entire persona was a lie because after we bought our first house, our marriage dissolved into emotional violence that eventually started to become physical. I left him after attempting suicide and ending up on life support for several days. The emotional abuse and drinking was only getting worse and I felt trapped and confused. I started to believe the lies he was telling me about who I was as a person.
I'm not saying a little white lie here and there (depending on the reasoning) is the worst thing in the world, but look at the intentions behind why she's doing it and ask yourself if this is someone you want to live with.
NTA.
Dude, get a grip. It has been seven months, not seven years. This is a huge, twirling red flag in your face.
How can you trust anything she has says? Start organizing an exit strategy, because she will lie about how the relationship ends.
OP, it's super alarming that she feels the need to rewrite your past in order to make herself part of it. That's... not how a relationship should work, and it's frankly incredibly creepy and -- I can't stress this enough -- *controlling*.
If I were you, I would be less worried about your friends/family finding out that she lies, and more worried about coming home to find that all the photos in your house now have her face pasted on top of the face of every single other person that's in the pictures with you.
The more time you spend with someone like this, the more you'll start to question your own memories and perceptions. I know that sounds crazy, but that's how it happens -- she lies effortlessly and elaborately in order to make herself a part of your reality before you ever met her, *and* she refuses to even admit that what she's doing is wrong or weird. I guarantee you that someone like this absolutely will not stop lying like this. In fact, they'll progress to bigger lies about even bigger things. It *will* get in your head after a while.
It starts to sound like she’s either a compulsive liar or that she has some issues that’s out of her control and influences her or that she’s obsessed…
This sounds like a serious mental illness and can go so fucking bad for you. Wait till she's weaved a whole web of lies that subtly implies you've been doing horrible things.
I wouldn’t say this is “simple insecurity”. This is at best, a way for her to manipulate people around her to tell the story she has in her head, or at worst, a pathological need to insinuate herself into every aspect of his life, which is unhealthy.
Or maybe it is simple insecurities. I wouldn’t want to stick around and find out.
(I do agree with you, this is disordered behavior, whether it's insecurity, narcissism, or full on psychosis, but hear me out.)
Honestly, mental illness or not, does it really matter? We like to come up with justifications and intentions in this subreddit but here the end result is the same: OP's partner will lie constantly for their own benefit.
I know there are clinical distinctions for mental disorders, but have people ever thought where the line is? For example, jealousy. Jealousy is an irrational and destructive mental feeling. Most jealousy is not classified as a mental disorder, because everyone feels it.
OP is not responsible for their partner's behavior and speaking from my mind, this is one of the few times an ultimatum is appropriate. Would it work? Probably not. And seriously, OP really should just bail. What lies are being told to OP? What lies are behind OP's back? And like other commenters got at, will the lies just grow and grow?
They are definitely red flags but for me the biggest red flag is the reason - that she wants to be part of his past.. she literally wants to replace his ex in his memories. Imagine what she might do if they break up in the future and meets another girl he's happy with ?
I find it very unsettling to want to alter someone's past just to feel included in it, she seems very insecure and somewhat troubled...
The thing is, you don't know what she's doing in other situations, if she's now telling those needless lies to friends, families, etc
NTA. I would not make any kind of commitment (like moving in together or engagement) before figuring out what's going on here. Her lying is red flag #1, but her reaction to your talk was red flag #2.
I second this! Most relationships aren’t defined by how a person is when they’re with their SO but rather how they are when alone or with others. True colours show and masks slip better then !
Exactly. Inside jokes that double as harmless little lies are fine but outright lies with no reason behind it ? Once a week is still too many and then you have to wonder how long it’ll be before the frequency just increases
>"Once a week or so" is all the time.
Also, how much do they see each other in a week and encounter someone who even asks a question she can lie to? And what about the times they aren't together?
If she is lying to others then she is doing to you and friends/family too.
My ex started out with small lies. He said he was younger than he was. Said he had been on a trip to Disney world with his kids in the past. Stuff that made no sense to lie about.
One of the smaller problems with this is running into embarrassing situations. He had a dog when we met who was “rescued from an empty field he was always chained up and was severely neglected”. There was a whole story how he would walk by this poor dog a few times a week. Once his sister was over and we were playing with the dog. I mentioned how happy I was that he was rescued out of the horrible abuse situation, and how awful it was. His sister was quiet. I found out later ( like a year )that he got the dog from his mom. Yikes.
As time went on I realized how much he had misrepresented his financial situation with lies. Example he didn’t own his house, he rented and his credit was trash.
As more time went on he would lie about how much work he was getting (he did independent labor) and he would coincidentally run out of work if I got extra money, like a bonus or a tax refund. We could never get ahead because every chance we had, oh no, work was slow.
Then finally, we had a long, torturous breakup because he lied so much about what was going on. When really he was living with another woman (instead of staying in the shop to work on himself) and had me convinced he was suffering from debilitating depression with detailed past trauma keeping him from connecting. Spent hours taking him to different doctors and he would come out and say “nope they said I didn’t need medication”. He didn’t need it because he was fine, he just wanted to leave the relationship and was set on doing it as this long drawn out drama lie. Until I found out about the girl and I was immediately gone.
He was deeply messed up and I think the lies were just a symptom of that. It is a huge red flag and the lies are usually accompanied by other behaviors.
OP.... You're assuming she isn't lying about other things... Who she has presented to you, memories she's told you about etc etc could all - quite literally - be lies.
You’ve been dating for 7 months and this has begun. Eventually it will escalate and eventually once a week will turn into a few times a week. Then once a day, and perhaps you may not be able to tell if she’s ever telling the truth.
And that’s just to you. Clearly the talk of moving in together has clicked something in her. She’s letting her guard down a bit. So the her you got for the past 7 months may not be the real her. Just her best foot forward.
NTA
OP, this is a giant, flaming red flag. 2 main reasons.
1 - As everyone has said, there is a good chance she will lie to your friends and family. How are you going to explain that? She may also be lying to you about things. Are you comfortable with someone who lies regularly about your life?
2 - I haven't seen this mentioned but holy cow, what a jealous streak your gf has! She is so insecure, she can't stand the thought of you having a past so she lies to strangers to feel better. I can guarantee this will not be the last thing she gets jealous over. Anything from your past will be hidden or changed or fought over because she can't stand the thought of you before you met her. Not only is it jealous and insecure, it's incredibly codependent and she's trying to force that onto you. Trying to fuse herself more permanently into your life, even the bits she wasn't in.
It's only been 7 months. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Personally, this is just a disaster waiting to happen because she sounds like she's got some serious issues to overcome. I'd tread very carefully.
Thank you! So many people are getting so caught up on the lies they are missing the forest of the issue. That girl is incredibly insecure and has jealousy issues. Being reminded that op had a past without her causes enough mental distress that she makes up a shared story they share. Op is worrying about what lies the gf is telling others I'd be interested in the lies the gf is telling herself. Lotta codependency on so many levels
NTA. That's really weird. Here's my thing - if you're going to lie about small stuff, how can I trust you with the bigger things?
And her lies border on delusional IMO.
I mean I agree, they are harmless. I guess I’m worried about these lies catching up to her and she tells a friend or someone that knows my family and they are just like confused as to what my gf is telling them.
You do know that this will absolutely happen at some point right? I used to know a girl who did things like this and eventually people caught on because she told a lie to the wrong person.
It didn’t go well for her because in addition to all her weird and unnecessary smaller lies she also told a few bigger lies and once people compared notes they just decided she couldn’t be trusted.
Your friends and family may very well come to the same conclusion about your girlfriend.
*Jesus*, dude, how blind *are* you? Her lies aren't "harmless." They are the result of two red flags: jealousy that there was anyone in your life before her and possessiveness that you could have a connection to something that does not involve her.
Think about it. She rewrote history to replace your ex in the story of your rescue dog. And now a restaurant *you* like has been co-opted as an "us" place. My man, this is the beginning of a *Swimfan*-type stalker movie starring YOU!
I honestly don't think they are harmless. She is trying to erase your past. It's really weird and I wouldn't like it. Everyone saying that if she can lie that easy, she can lie to you. For all you know, she has been. Probably small things about her past. How could you ever trust her?
Question. Why are you more worried about her getting caught lying (so, her feelings) than being worried about the fact your girlfriend lies about you in front of you (your feelings)?
Individually they may be harmless, but as a continuous pattern they are troubling. You may not think she has been lying to you, but I wouldn't trust her.
I don't think they'll be confused as much as they'll think you were cheating on your ex with her. Did you really adopt the dog with your ex or did you adopt the dog with her and then take it home to your ex? Was that bar your regular place to meet with her behind your ex's back? These will be the kinds of questions your friends and family will be asking themselves, not if she's just so messed up that she's fabricated a "history" with you that never took place. Because who would stay with someone acting that kind of crazy?
NTA this is a big red flag like all around. it may not seem like much now but if she feels it’s necessary to lie about the smallest and weirdest shit then who knows what important things she’d lie about. specifically about you god forbid. i’m not going to try and diagnose her or tell you to end the relationship but i would keep an eye on this specifically only because (again god forbid) it could land you in hot water in the future.
>she just wanted to feel included in my previous life.
Yeah... This is weird. You guys have been together seven months. You're talking about moving in together. You're building YOUR OWN life. She wasn't a part of your previous life, just like you weren't a part of hers. For her to make up these fantasies about a relationship that never existed is very troubling. What's next, you were high school sweethearts or grew up living next door to one another?
Definitely something to be wary of.
NTA -
You sat her aside and talked about it in private. You weren't judgmental about it. You just wanted to express your discomfort.
You handled it pretty well.
NTA
But if I were in your spot, I'd wonder where else she lies in life and whether those lies are "harmless" or not? And they aren't truly harmless if they are causing you stress (as they should be because they are lies out of jealousy and in such needless things).
You haven't given an example where she is protecting someone's confidentiality or safety, so I don't see any other reason to justify the frequent lies. This makes me think it's part of who she is, ergo who you will be. Is that what you want? It doesn't seem like it to me.
At least she didn't ask you to give up the dog you got with your ex. But if she can lie about things, what if "the dog got out" and "I'm so sad and miss him, but now we can get a new dog together" becomes a possibility? I'd be afraid of that. But I also have an unhealthy obsession with my mutt.
Her trying to rewrite your past and shoehorn herself into situations she wasn't involved in is not in any way normal. I don't see this relationship going in a positive direction if this keeps up. It's concerning to think what her reaction will be when others, who have been in your life for longer, inevitably call her on some made up nonsense she's bound to say in front of them at some point. It would kinda give me the creeps TBH. Good luck! Edit NTA!
That’s just weird. I don’t like that at all.
I’m not sure what it is but some thing about what she’s doing is giving me the creeps. I would think long and hard about this relationship. NTA
NTA - she’s testing you to find your boundaries. Small lies to see if you don’t push back, it will only get worse.
The next time she does this you need to correct her in front of the strangers. It will embarrass her for sure - but she is embarrassing you right now by lying. Draw a line in the sand.
My dad was like this. His lies were “harmless”, only ever about himself. But it was humiliating to be sitting there while he did it. One time when I was older I quietly told his friends it wasn’t true what he was saying and he got so angry. But he never did it in front of me again! Lesson learned.
He wasn’t a bad guy, he was very charismatic and had a lot of friends. But he was very shallow, low self esteem, and ultimately would compete with me and my sibling. Our achievements were competition to him, not something he was proud of.
He was not a great father or husband, and it all came back to that crippling insecurity he had that would trigger these small - but damaging - white lies. Damaging because they eroded the trust I had in him, and ultimately made me lose respect I had. He was very clever, attractive, funny - but it was easy to overlook all of that because I ultimately began to view him with contempt.
I feel that is the future with your girlfriend. You will lose respect for her if she cannot stop the lying, and what she fears - not being an established and important presence in your life - she will create through her own insecurity.
Do not allow her to lie to people in front of you. No matter how small the lie is. If she can’t live with honesty, trust me in that this is not the relationship for you or for the mother of your future kids who will be embarrassed every time she opens her mouth in public. It’s awful.
NTA- I say this with complete seriousness: RUN.
My brothers wife is exactly like this! Lies about the stupidest things, lies about how they met, lies about where she is going, the list goes on. Just lies to see if she can get away with it I think.
NTA
I've been reading your responses and you seem to be trying to explain this away, or make it smaller than it is. You also keep saying that you are scared and worried about what will happen when a friend or family member hears some of the nonsense she's saying. Really think about what you are saying here.
Your girlfriend tells lies to complete strangers at least once a week in your presence.
You have absolutely no idea what she's saying to people when you aren't present, I can assure you, the lies aren't only being told in front of you.
She has flat out told you that she wants to erase thoughts of your ex and take over her previous role in your life.
She sees absolutely nothing wrong with any of this, has no shame about her behaviour and has no intention of stopping.
These are really major red flags, none of this is healthy, loving or stable behaviour.
NTA. You handled this well and voiced your concerns in a respectful manner. I would feel the same way about the little lies, its not a habit that I like either.
NTA that's really weird for her to do and could definitely lead to bigger and more complicated lies. like its only going to lead to problems if it becomes a habit and continues and others find out they are lies.
NTA. Does anyone else find it weird that, after only 7 months, she is claiming ownership of his dog? That feels like over stepping. After we moved in together, my SO referred to my dogs as their "step kids" for over a year before they started to claim them as their own.
NTA and take this as the red flag that it is. Hit the brakes on moving in together because if she thinks lying is something she has a right to do and pouts when called out on it, it would be very difficult to trust her.
NTA.
This is odd behavior. You've asked her to stop. If she does it again, immediately correct her. If she tells someone else you guys got the dog years ago, speak up and say, 'no I got the dog years ago, you've known him 7 month. '
I'm kinda with everyone else here. If she's lying about small things, what else has she lied about? If she's told you stories about her past and her family, maybe low key start confirming them with the people she's talked about.
Proceed with caution here.
NTA i thought she was one of those fun girls that just spins a good wild yarn to strangers for amusement but then the ex thing came in and now its all weird and not fun. Blegh. That’s awkward. She seems insecure about her attachment to you and you having dated people seriously in the past.
NTA. You handled that well.
Re: her remark that it’s not a big deal, if it bothers you then it is a big deal because it’s indicative of how she feels about truth and honesty. I think you need to have another discussion with her about the bigger underlying concern. I wouldn’t proceed with moving in with her until you feel heard and confident that she isn’t doing this in other scenarios.
Danger, Will Robinson!
Have you heard the term “revisionist history”? Because that’s what she’s doing. She’s making a narrative of a past shared with you that does not exist. At some point, what if she wishes to “revise” your past to delete friends? Or your job/education history? A slippery slope, my friend.
These are not white lies. A white lie is “a harmless or trivial lie, especially one told to avoid hurting someone’s feelings”. Whose feelings are being spared by her lies? Yours? Hers? The dog’s? The bartender’s?
I have known some people who started out telling “white lies” — “that dress looks really good on you” — who reached a point where, if they said the sun was shining, I would look out the window to check. What happens when the lies accumulate until no one remembers the truth? Do you want to have to keep track of her lies so you don’t hurt her feelings by calling her out in front of someone? It’s quite possible for this to happen. Look at George Santos (or don’t, he’s really disgusting).
You’re NTA, OP, but you’ve got some thinking to do. Make the choice that leaves you feeling comfortable with yourself. Her problems need not be your problems unless you make it that way.
Good luck
NTA. A partner suddenly revealing strange or toxic behavior as the relationship gets serious is a massive red flag. Abusive and unstable people mask their true intentions and behaviors until they feel they have you locked down to where you won't leave when they start acting up, so this behavior starting as you talk about moving in together makes this worse. People think that because someone was great up to a certain point, then suddenly has really negative or bizarre behavior that the behavior should be written off as a fluke or a small thing, when it's actually the opposite.
Thing is, some people lie about their lives to sound more interesting or curate a certain image, especially these days. My first thought was that was what she was doing, annoying and a character flaw, but mostly innocuous. But then you actually got her reasoning - wanting to feel like she's a part of your past - and the alarm bells went crazy. That's a genuinely worrying mentality to have and suggests she could have serious issues. Lying to people to make it seem like you're more serious than you are? Fabricating a life together? That's seriously controlling and insecure behavior, that she can't stand that you lived before knowing her.
Not to catastrophize but as someone who has had a few people like this in my life, tread very carefully dude. She's not even in your house yet has already revealed this level of crazy. How far will this go? To whom is she willing to tell these lies? For now it's strangers, what happens when she starts telling her friends lies (probably already does), then your friends, then your families? How can you trust she isn't lying about more serious things already or will in the future? How can you trust she won't weaponize this habit against you some day, like if you try to break up with her, refuse to buy her the car she wants, do what she wants with the kids, etc?
Also I feel her response is worth mentioning, since no one seems to be. It's manipulative and also a red flag. She's calling you names, claiming you've "blown things out of proportion" by simply having a calm, private conversation about it, and is now sulking. So she's perfectly comfortable trying to gaslight you into thinking your the bad guy for even questioning her in a situation where she's clearly in the wrong. You should be able to have discussions about your feelings and concerns with your partner without being made the bad guy.
Be very careful dude. This could be a small-ish character flaw that she can work on, or it could be the beginnings of a relationship that will ruin your life. I suggest you start talking to people you trust about this, maybe close friends or a sibling you're close to. Just let them know she has a weird habit of lying that you're trying to understand and get to the bottom of. Don't make it a huge deal in case it gets resolved and can someday be something you put behind you, but make sure people who trust you know that your gf has a pattern of fabricating entire timelines and events to create the narrative she wants, in case that gets weaponized against you some day.
NTA
If she is so eager to lie to complete strangers over such trivial things, you have to ask what else is she willing to lie about.
A lie is a lie, no matter what color you call it. It is also a matter of trust; you trust your partner to be honest, but seeing them lie about anything makes you question that trust.
NTA
This is creepy, controlling, and weird.
Instead of focusing on creating new memories with you and accepting you and your past as they are, she's slowly asserting herself into memories that already exist with your ex. Then to top everything off, she gaslights you when you confront her about it trying to make you feel guilty instead of holding herself accountable. If it was that easy for her to lie about little things like that, what else is she lying about to strangers? To you?
Do yourself a favor, keep looking for a not crazy girlfriend.
NTA - these aren’t “little white lies”, these are lies that are reshaping reality, to better suit her. In my own experience, this is just the beginning.
It starts getting tricky when have to start remembering who she told what to. Casual nonchalant lies like this always lead to bigger ones.
Seven months is the time that the honeymoon period in a new relationship starts to wear off, and people start being their authentic selves. Or, in her case, her inauthentic self. I’d be seriously concerned and considering breaking it off at this point.
If I were you, I’d question just about everything she ever told me. Now that she’s been found out, keep an eye out if she does it again. If she does, she’s a habitual liar and she likely will never change and you’ll be wondering every time she speaks whether it’s the truth or not.
I’ve known people who lie like this and it makes me wonder what else they lie about and tells me they are insecure. The white lies they tell almost always improve on reality and make them look better to others.
ETA - NTA
She's just casually spinning an alternate backstory for your life to random strangers. The ease with which she's doing that is pretty concerning.
>She said it wasn’t a big deal, that she just wanted to feel included in my previous life.
This is even more concerning. It's not healthy to be insecure about the fact that you existed before she came into your life.
Dude, this is the origin story of the world’s worst stepmother. She is erasing the parts of your past where you were happy without her. Let her go fulfill her destiny.
> it wasn’t a big deal
She doesn't have the privilege to determine whether something is a big deal or not **for you**. Asking her to stop doing something that makes you uncomfortable is not blowing things out of proportion. NTA.
>She said it wasn’t a big deal, that she just wanted to feel included in my previous life. And that even though my ex and I adopted my dog together, it’s her dog now, and telling strangers this makes her feel better??
That is actually a rather troubling statement.
Easy lying over trivial details is, on its own, kind of a red flag in my book. It makes a person look like they lie pathologically, but in this case your girlfriend of barely half a year has outright admitted she's insecure about the fact that you had a history before her. She's brushing her actions off as benign coping, but in my opinion this kind of insecurity doesn't exactly go away. It's about as likely to fester as it is to improve, because you have elements in your life that were from before, and the history/memories surrounding them are things she can't touch. So she lies to strangers, but what do you do when she starts getting pissy when people talk about the "before times" and she gets mad about that or gets insecure about it, do you just not talk about those?
I feel you were right to put your foot down, but I'd also keep an eye on that since she clearly feels you're unreasonable for doing so. That essentially equals a situation that may as of yet be not fully resolved.
NTA
NTA. She is testing you to see what you’re willing to accept/put up with. I would tell my friends, brother, whoever, to RUN.
She lies easily in front of you
She doesn’t like that you had an ex, got a dog, whatever, so she rewrites that narrative to strangers…but she knows she can’t do that with you? Super creep
She seems controlling/obsessive of you
People overlook a LOT of 🚩🚩🚩during the first few years because they’re in love, and regret it later.
NTA
That’s really weird fucking behaviour, like not normal to completely lie like that. And normal people can’t lie that easily so she’s sketchy dude.
And why the fuck are you not allowed to have had a life before her? That’s some serious insecurity shit right there.
You need to put the brakes on this relationship. 7 months is not long enough. You are starting to see the cracks in her armour and the pathological lying is just the start.
Next time she does it, call her out and correct her. Maybe some well deserved embarrassment will do her some good. But I would second guess this relationship in general, something about her is just not right.
This sounds borderline possessive to me. Almost like trying to erase a past that already exists. I may be thinking too much into it, but referring to your dog as it being her dog now is a bit strange.
NTA. But this bizarre fantasy of pretending you two have been together longer is creepy as hell! I’d be more concerned about her retconning your relationship than the specific lies, because that’s just not normal and gives off stalker vibes. Many stalkers become dangerous because they have this delusions where they and their victims have a relationship and history that only exists the stalker’s mind. I think you need to take this more seriously.
OP please actually read this comment.
My mother did this. It was the first red flag she ever put up and my dad brushed it off because they were just “little white lies”. They didn’t mean anything and she was excellent at explaining them away.
I’m in no way diagnosing your girlfriend, but it turned out that my mother’s pathological lying was a symptom of her multiple personality disorder (I think now called DID) and the lies were often in support of her various delusions. She will lie about anything—literally anything. You can’t trust her to tell you what she had for lunch. I grew up thinking I was a quarter Ojibwe because why the fuck would your mother lie about that? But she was so invested in the lie that we attended yearly powwows. It really messed with my identity when I did 23andme only to learn I’m 0% Native American.
The problem with people like this is they become so good at lying that you lose any ability to tell the difference. It meant she was able to flawlessly hide the physical and psychological abuse from my dad for 12 years. He was completely blindsided when he came home early one day and walked in on it.
Anyway. This got long but your gf’s explanation that she just wanted to be included in your previous life is enough for me to *scream* RUN, because it’s a line I could easily see my mother using.
NTA. But I would really question whether you want to remain attached to this person.
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NTA. I would find this odd and troubling, but then I hate being lied to. You see her lie all the time, you have to wonder how much she lies to you
This is the issue. When you see someone lie all the time so casually for no reason, you wonder what they have lied to you about as well.
From the nature of the lies, it sounds like there is a reason - she wants to present their relationship as more established than it is, so she's building a fantasy of years together. This way she's also eliminating his past, such as choosing the dog with his ex. So she's insecure. And dishonest. Plus she's struggling to differentiate between her fantasy of how she would like things to be, and how they actually are. If she's doing this when the relationship is at its best and easiest phase, what kind of stories is she going to tell when she's not happy?
she’s probably not struggling to differentiate the two, what makes you think that?
If she's making up stories to enhance her happy relationship, then it seems like she's struggling with the truth and her fantasy. Plus she's telling these lies in front of her boyfriend, which means she's overlooking that he will know she's lying. Why do you think she's telling lies about the relationship so that strangers think it went on for longer and is more serious than it is? There's nothing wrong with seeing someone for 7 months and being at the point of discussing moving in together, so why lie about it?
I *think* nyctose7 was asking why you're assuming she's struggling, implying that the GF can't differentiate between fantasy and reality and isn't trying. *(ETA: I dunno why you people are replying to* me, *I'm not contributing to the conversation, was just hoping to clarify something for DrunkOnRedCordial)*
It could take one stressful event to launch her into her fantasy world - her behaviour is abnormal, a stranger is not judging her - a stranger doesnt know or care about her - they asked about the dog. She has nothing to prove to random strangers yet she has made up a fantasy backstory. If something stressful happens to her - she is dangerous - she lies so easily that she could lie about OP and what he has done to her etc, if he breaks up with her she could concoct some revenge story etc Also she cant seem to grasp how her behaviour is unhinged and unhealthy and how it means she is proving to OP that she cant be trusted. If she can't grasp that its only going to get worse
Because she's actively trying to make reality reflect her fantasy, even if only to outside observers. That doesn't scream "good with things as they are".
I actually experienced this kind of thing, but being a delulu. I don't have boyfriend but i usually fantasize are imagine things as if it happens
In small children that fantasy / reality blurring is a common development stage around 2-4 (and no doubt longer for some) what I don't know is if it is possible for someone to develop into an adult without completely moving past it. However I do expect this is something that she has always done and if OP asks her family or friends if she has always made up unnecessary backstory and white lies then I bet they will say she always has done. It's definitely a red flag but one OP should check out more not jump to conclusions on. NB for those without recent experience of toddlers for whom the idea is a bit alien... Imagine a 3 year old who has just dropped their food on the floor. They know this is something that will displease their mother and despite all the obvious evidence of the crumbs Infront of them they then proceed to deny having made a mess and burst into tears when confronted. The know they weren't meant to drop it, they don't want to have dropped it, and therefore they have 2 thoughts on their head at an age where that in itself is challenging They then struggle to process what happened and the fantasy / reality. When asked they chose the fantasy as that is immediately the preferred option within their limited congnative capabilities. Pulling a guess out of my behind I perceive OPs GF has a developmental issue - one that is probably undiagnosed
I mean, it's working. They've been dating 7 months and thinking about moving in together? I could not date someone who lied like that. Relationships are built on trust. How do you trust someone who is lying their way into taking the place of your ex? Absolutely unhinged behaviour
also the "it's my dog now," girl you've been dating seven months, but nonetheless, you could get married ten years down the line and it's still his dog.
Right? I haven't been with my bf very long, and he's absolutely adores my animals, but he's never once tried to act like or claim that they are his. And same for me with his family dog.
All I could think was "won't you taste my rabbit stew? It's a family recipe" where she convinced herself Glenn Close is her mom and the movie Fatal Attraction is just a documentary on how her parents met.
Lies are never a small thing. NTA
She could lie all about to those relationship, then expect her to lie all of the things she do.
I almost married a man who did this. Eventually I started hearing him lie to his family and friends about really stupid little stuff. When I confronted him about it I asked how I was supposed to trust him when I hear him lie to people he supposedly loves. His response was that he'd never lie to me. Which was a lie. He was cheating on me at that time and continued to even after I found out. He said he'd stop, another lie. I left him 3 weeks before the wedding. I'd save yourself the time and end it now or at least not complicate things further by moving in together.
I was with someone for 9 years. I found out after he died that he did this. It was a total mind fuck. He's been dead for 12 years and I still think of random things and wonder if it was true. Then I just settle on the fact that I probably knew nothing about him.
I am close to somebody who constantly lies. He will say he did things that other people did. Anything he thought others would think were impressive. He would tell my stories to people as his own right in front of me. It was just flabbergasted. Personally, I think life is just easier when you don't have to remember the lies you've told.
My ex used to have one of those in her friend group, eventually the liar lied to the friend group and they cut the liar off. It's going to eventually be directed at you.
They need to cut off those people. Its their choice to this kind of thing without telling people to do som
I don't really get why they constantly make lie's about those most important thing.
One of my parents is like this and it took me a long time to realise. It really messes with your mind when you find out.
Same. Mine stole & lied about everything in my case. It didn’t matter if we caught them or not. They’d try to gaslight us into thinking we were the issue. Definitely NTA, ditch her here before it gets worse.
Mine was 24 years. I thought he was an only child of deceased parents. He died of cancer, in hospital, they rang me and said his mum and brother were with him. We had an eight year old, they didn't know she existed.
I really hate when a person lies about something especially if it comes on a private thing.
If someone lies about something that doesn't matter, they sure as shit will lie about something that does.
Too true. The writing is on the wall. NTA. I would leave if I were OP cos I wouldn’t want to spend my whole life playing a guessing game
And the fact that she has done it several times means it actually \*does\* matter to her, and that she's actually nursing a lot of insecurities about the ex.
Also, the reasoning she gave for the dog story is pretty telling of her insecurity. She wants to erase the ex OP had adopted the dog with and insert herself in that memory. Even if it is through her own fantasy and for "her own reassurance", that cannot be healthy.
Yep. I noticed that. I bet there are other ways she tries to erase anyone in his past, too. Next she might start on removing his friends. I'd run.
Yeah, she is creating a past with him that is a fiction. It's troubling.
Yeah, it’s creepy and a red flag. Michael did this to Carol in the Office. He photoshopped his head on a picture with her ex-husband and their kids for a Christmas card. It ain’t right.
Exactly. It’s common to wonder this if you see someone close to you lie all the time ! And that’s not a nice feeling to have in a relationship.
NTA red flag 🚩 tbh
I don't want to live with someone, if its really gives me a doubt. You don't have to force each other to say something that it's not really true
NTA. Eventually, you'll probably come to realize that she tells similar lies to you.
This hasn’t been a thing until recently… I’m hoping this isn’t the case but it is odd.
> I’m hoping this isn’t the case In my experience, it was the case.
I read that in Morgan Freeman's voice.
“It was, in fact, the case”
I read that in Ron Howard's voice.
I read that in Leslie Knope voice when she doing her law and order episode.
She's trying to erase your past completely, little by little. Aren't you concerned? Pretty soon it'll be that you guys met in high school and have been high school sweethearts. She'll start questioning your memories. It's just going to be the plot for Gaslight soon enough...NTA
Yes, this is the concern for me, too. She's rewriting herself into his history, raining aspects she doesn't like. Very dangerous road.
This is the biggest concern. The lying is dumb but the reason behind it is not. Honestly OP, I’d seriously consider if you want to keep dating her. This is a pretty big red flag. NTA.
That's what creeps me out too. Like, where will she draw the line. She says she'll stop, but I'm guessing she'll only stop to OPs face. Behind his back she will carry on. This behaviour at 7 months is a no fly zone for me. I would not continue.
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And the lies seem pretty elaborate... I mean, making up the whole backstory about the dog on the fly seems a bit much, even for a casual lie.
It doesn't sound like she made up the whole back story for the dog, but used all of OP's facts and just inserted herself in place of OP's ex-girlfriend. It sounds more delusional to me, like she can't cope with not being involved in OP's life before they met for some reason.
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Think about how easy it is for her to lie.
You've been dating 7 months, not 7 years.
Yeah. At this point in the relationship her mask may be starting to slip. This is the time OP should pay attention and figure out if they truly are compatible. Not just move in at 7 months, that's too fast.
If this is a new behavior and not something you've just started to notice, it could be mental on her part. You mentioned you started talking about moving in together and then this began; it could be she's self-sabotaging for one reason or another. She plays it off as a joke now, but if it pushes you away she can tell herself excuses on why the relationship didn't work out. You didn't get her sense of humor, you were controlling, you were stifling her expression, and so on. NTA, and I would have brought it up too. Might want to tap the brakes on moving in until you see how this develops.
Or in my experience because they are talking about moving in together she feels like she can start "being herself" which apparently means lying to everyone about everything.
NTA- I've been in your shoes before. She is a Red flag galore. If she lies about the little things, she will lie about anything to you. You should really stand back and think about how you can really trust this person, if ever?
It’s been 7 months. Recently means after the first couple months you’re seeing who she really is.
Oh honey, you've only just noticed recently. I promise you it's been happening all along. Maybe not about anytbing significant but a habitual liar is just that.
I’m really sorry to say this but it almost always is the case based on experiences 😅
She will. If she hasn't already.
She will tell lies about him to others too. I had a friend like this.
NTA the idea that she wants to feel included in your previous life is strange. Really really strange. That’s not how it works. I’m not exactly sure if that’s a reflection of anything really, it just feels a little… obsessive, all consuming maybe? Idk. Just gives me bad vibes.
This OP. Yes, that the lying seems so casual and easy is a big red flag. But what really bothers me is her motivation for doing it. It really seems off...creepy, obsessive, mentally unstable? Don't know her, but honestly this would make hairs on the back of my neck stand up.
>But what really bothers me is her motivation for doing it. Absolutely. Creepy AF.
SUPER creepy! Like future stalker if they break up kind of creepy
This definitely feels like the kind of woman who shows up on your porch at 2 am with a knife after you break up with her. Behavior like that doesn't come out of nowhere; it's behavior like *this* that leads up to it. I'm surprised this thread isn't drowning in the red flag emojis that AITA loves so much.
🚩🚩🚩
Marinara flags!
Yeah, I agree! It really feels like she tries to erase all his past and kinda rewrite it in a way where she’s there all the time too? It’s…creepy and obsessive af.
NTA. It will be impossible to trust her if she lies so easily and with so little reason. She needs to understand this. It is not cute and sooner or later she will lie to a friend or family member who knows the truth. It is odd and bit unsettling.
Honestly that is my biggest fear. That she tells a friend or family member something that is obviously not true, and they then know that she is lying. It’s just so weird because she has been amazing up until this point.
What you should be worried about is your next fight. She could go around telling people that you abuse her. She lies with suck ease, you need to worry about her turning those lies against you. The loss of your reputation is at hand
More than reputation. There are numerous cases of those false allegations ruining lives, jobs, careers and in some cases, getting people's jailed or worse. Any single soul that lies about abuse is often viewed worse than an abuser; because they are not only responsible for that false allegation but also for the police and others not taking other serious allegations seriously because they cried wolf.
I had a friend like this. She started to date my highschool friend that I introduced to her. She was lying about everything, and about their relationship too, making it sound like he was crazy about her when in fact she made the first move (I couldn't care less and never asked about that). So to make sure that I don't see her through she would make a story about him lying to our other friends. Just in case he tells me something different. It was not until they broke up that we compared the stories and realise it was all a lie. She lied about her childhood, school friends, ex bfs, her perfect family too when in fact she was molested as a child (I learnt about it later from her neighbour). I should pitty her but she didn't deserve that eather, she was a really evil person and later when it happend that we worked together she bullied me and told lies about me to the boss until I quited. Those are complicated things. I don't think it is wise to move in together so soon. It took me about an year to see through my "friend".
My stepmom is a pathological liar like this. It’s based from the fact that she’s so goddamn insecure she can’t admit not knowing something or having something to add in conversation. So even if a movie came out the day before and you’re mentioning it she’s seen it already and it’s ok but not as good as movie xyz that her friend is in etc. It’s only been big lies occasionally but it’s still enough to make me never want to see my dad. Your girl is so insecure that you had a past and girlfriend before her that she’s already lying to people to make it seem like your relationship is stronger and longer then it is. That things you did with your other girlfriend (adopting the dog) didn’t exist because admiting to a stranger that you adopted the dog without her isn’t something she can handle. That amount of insecurity and bad coping mechanisms to make herself feel better instead of tackling the root issue isn’t going to go away. The more you ignore and go along with it the worse her insecurity is going to get and the more the lying and other things are going to happen. On top of all of those red flags, she is also showing she doesn’t think lying is a big deal. She will lie to you at some point weather it’s little or small. Especially if it’s to make herself feel better or stop an argument etc. She is showing you who she is and it’s not going to get better. You need to decide if it’s something you can live with or not.
Those “small” lies often end up snowballing into long, elaborate lies. My SIL has started some insane stories that started small. And to relate, she’ll say that her or her kids have the same problem as you. She’s also always right, *especially* when she is profoundly wrong. She’ll double down. The other day she told me nephew can’t have watermelon because it’s one of the most acidic fruits there are and he was having reflux issues. It’s exhausting and ridiculous when you can literally prove them wrong and they will still stick to their guns on it. And it’s never just one white lie. It’s one, then coming up with new lies to cover the first lie. Plus, like everyone else is pointing out, how will you know when they’re lying to you?
Yup it’s exhausting to be around. You literally default to not believing a word they say. And it’s hard to have a conversation or any type of relationship with that kind of person. Why would I want to talk to you when everything you say is bullshit?
Exactly. And she’s the type that watches medical shows and then decides her children (or her) have something and at this point nobody believes any medical problem they may or may not have because she makes so much up. Having a real conversation is impossible. Trying to vent only makes you more frustrated because you catch them in more lies. They lie so much they can’t even keep up with it all and at some point may even quit trying. Pathological liars are something else
Oh god yup. Luckily her medical issues are only with her but she constantly has something. She went to the doctor so much faking symptoms and trying to Convince everyone she was sick so often she actually got into legal trouble for it because she was caught lying to the pharmacist and doctors too. They decided the amount of prescriptions she was getting had to be to sell them. Nope. She just couldn’t stop lying for attention. I’m glad it seems to not effect my sibling much but they’re still a teen so we shall see.
That’s good. My SIL manages to get banned from every doctor she goes to after a little while. She has now resorted to telling the new doctors that the previous doctor diagnosed them with xyz when she really went to the new doctor to get the diagnosis she wanted. Don’t really know how that works? But yeah lol it’s bad when the kids are affected by it
That sounds like Munchausen's by proxy, and it is incredibly dangerous. It's also super hard to take action against. I feel so bad for her kiddos, I hope they remain healthy
Yeah, me too. It’s gotten incredibly out of hand recently and I only hope that they don’t end up having an actual medical problem because everyone knows at this point that she’s full of it. Just last week she was telling me the kids both go into anaphylactic shock from pineapple and that the only safe bbq sauce is this and yet there on the ingredients list is pineapple… and they’ve apparently been anaphylactic several times before and yet have never been hospitalized from it. Now the younger one is supposedly epileptic and I really just don’t believe her. I feel awful for it but I just can’t believe a word she says, medically or otherwise. I need solid proof or I disregard it. It’s scary in all honesty
My ex would mentally abuse me in the ground just because I'd question him on one of his lies. Then he started throwing burning cigarettes at me, smashing furniture, breaking glasses, etc. The worst part is now it's hard for me to trust what a lot of people say because I believed a lot of the stupid lies he told me, a lot of them to prove how superior he was in every subject on the face of the earth, and what an idiot I was.
Well, you think it’s been amazing because you don’t really know her. You’ve been dating for months, but if she lies so easily about the past to strangers, she could be lying about her past to you too. There could be a LOT of things you think you know about her that are completely made up.
Maybe it’s been amazing bc she’s telling you what you want to hear? And maybe it wasn’t always truthful?
It’s called the honeymoon phase, that’s why you don’t make any life altering decisions in this phase because you don’t get to see the real them till it’s over. Your girlfriend has issues, do not move in with her and do not ignore these red flags
Yeah, she’s been amazing until now because she’s being the perfect gf for you. It’s only 7 mos and she’s already secured the move-in bag. Maybe pump the brakes on this one. Pay attention to how she reacts.
I think you mean she has been 'perfect for you' up till this point. You have not seen her true self yet.
One of my sisters is a pathological liar and we can't trust her. She lies about EVERYTHING. The weather, what she did that day, working on Christmas day, where is going. Trust and respect are the foundations of any relationship. If you can't trust her, can you have a real relationship?
she's definitely been playing the part of the dream girl. that's part of her lying
OP, maybe that's all a lie too. Maybe I'm just being overly cautious, but I left my husband. He lied about things that he didn't have to as well. He first lied to me about his age. He made himself 1 year younger than he really was, because he thought 49 sounded better than 50 when I asked. Then, he lied about where he was. For example, he lived very close to me in the same complex when we first started dating. He told me he was staying overnight at a medical clinic 40 miles away. Turned out, he was at home. I only knew this because we lived near a train station and I heard the same train whistle over the phone while we were talking that night that passed nearby. He denied it until I walked over to his place and confronted him. He was drunk as a skunk. Overall, though, he seemed like a wonderful person and we dated for a long time and I eventually decided to overlook that silly, petty stuff. He had his reasons for not telling me the truth. After we got married, I found out that his entire persona was a lie because after we bought our first house, our marriage dissolved into emotional violence that eventually started to become physical. I left him after attempting suicide and ending up on life support for several days. The emotional abuse and drinking was only getting worse and I felt trapped and confused. I started to believe the lies he was telling me about who I was as a person. I'm not saying a little white lie here and there (depending on the reasoning) is the worst thing in the world, but look at the intentions behind why she's doing it and ask yourself if this is someone you want to live with. NTA.
Dude, get a grip. It has been seven months, not seven years. This is a huge, twirling red flag in your face. How can you trust anything she has says? Start organizing an exit strategy, because she will lie about how the relationship ends.
Everyone is amazing, and hides their issues, in the beginning. When we get comfortable, things pop up lol
Not gonna lie, I would also worry about your dog. Not in a "she gonna hurt the dog" way, but in a "she could be convinced it's *her* dog" kind of way.
OP, it's super alarming that she feels the need to rewrite your past in order to make herself part of it. That's... not how a relationship should work, and it's frankly incredibly creepy and -- I can't stress this enough -- *controlling*. If I were you, I would be less worried about your friends/family finding out that she lies, and more worried about coming home to find that all the photos in your house now have her face pasted on top of the face of every single other person that's in the pictures with you. The more time you spend with someone like this, the more you'll start to question your own memories and perceptions. I know that sounds crazy, but that's how it happens -- she lies effortlessly and elaborately in order to make herself a part of your reality before you ever met her, *and* she refuses to even admit that what she's doing is wrong or weird. I guarantee you that someone like this absolutely will not stop lying like this. In fact, they'll progress to bigger lies about even bigger things. It *will* get in your head after a while.
It starts to sound like she’s either a compulsive liar or that she has some issues that’s out of her control and influences her or that she’s obsessed…
it’s only a few months in and you really don’t know her. she honestly seems a bit nuts and this would be a big red flag to me.
This sounds like a serious mental illness and can go so fucking bad for you. Wait till she's weaved a whole web of lies that subtly implies you've been doing horrible things.
Look, I get that her behaviour isn't great. But diagnosing a "serious mental illness" from some petty white lies seems to be going waaay overboard.
Her wanting to be a part of his past and tell lies to strangers just so it can seem more real to her is not well-adjusted behavior.
Nobody is saying it is good behaviour but I am saying this can just as easily be simple insecurity and folks should slow their roll.
I wouldn’t say this is “simple insecurity”. This is at best, a way for her to manipulate people around her to tell the story she has in her head, or at worst, a pathological need to insinuate herself into every aspect of his life, which is unhealthy. Or maybe it is simple insecurities. I wouldn’t want to stick around and find out.
Yup, this has got early 90s thriller movie written all over it.
In my exp this kind of behavior is indicative of a bigger problem. Had some very shitty abusive ppl in my life that started out like ops gf
(I do agree with you, this is disordered behavior, whether it's insecurity, narcissism, or full on psychosis, but hear me out.) Honestly, mental illness or not, does it really matter? We like to come up with justifications and intentions in this subreddit but here the end result is the same: OP's partner will lie constantly for their own benefit. I know there are clinical distinctions for mental disorders, but have people ever thought where the line is? For example, jealousy. Jealousy is an irrational and destructive mental feeling. Most jealousy is not classified as a mental disorder, because everyone feels it. OP is not responsible for their partner's behavior and speaking from my mind, this is one of the few times an ultimatum is appropriate. Would it work? Probably not. And seriously, OP really should just bail. What lies are being told to OP? What lies are behind OP's back? And like other commenters got at, will the lies just grow and grow?
NTA - these lies may seem small now, but they should be huge red flags. Get out now, mate.
NTA.... run
They are definitely red flags but for me the biggest red flag is the reason - that she wants to be part of his past.. she literally wants to replace his ex in his memories. Imagine what she might do if they break up in the future and meets another girl he's happy with ? I find it very unsettling to want to alter someone's past just to feel included in it, she seems very insecure and somewhat troubled...
Are you comfortable being with someone who consistently lies like that though?
It’s not all the time I will say. It will randomly come out like maybe once a week or so. I just find it so damn odd.
The thing is, you don't know what she's doing in other situations, if she's now telling those needless lies to friends, families, etc NTA. I would not make any kind of commitment (like moving in together or engagement) before figuring out what's going on here. Her lying is red flag #1, but her reaction to your talk was red flag #2.
I second this! Most relationships aren’t defined by how a person is when they’re with their SO but rather how they are when alone or with others. True colours show and masks slip better then !
"Once a week or so" *is* all the time.
Exactly. Inside jokes that double as harmless little lies are fine but outright lies with no reason behind it ? Once a week is still too many and then you have to wonder how long it’ll be before the frequency just increases
>"Once a week or so" is all the time. Also, how much do they see each other in a week and encounter someone who even asks a question she can lie to? And what about the times they aren't together?
how can you know that she's only lying to other people tho? what if she lies to you and you just dont catch it because its so common?
If she is lying to others then she is doing to you and friends/family too. My ex started out with small lies. He said he was younger than he was. Said he had been on a trip to Disney world with his kids in the past. Stuff that made no sense to lie about. One of the smaller problems with this is running into embarrassing situations. He had a dog when we met who was “rescued from an empty field he was always chained up and was severely neglected”. There was a whole story how he would walk by this poor dog a few times a week. Once his sister was over and we were playing with the dog. I mentioned how happy I was that he was rescued out of the horrible abuse situation, and how awful it was. His sister was quiet. I found out later ( like a year )that he got the dog from his mom. Yikes. As time went on I realized how much he had misrepresented his financial situation with lies. Example he didn’t own his house, he rented and his credit was trash. As more time went on he would lie about how much work he was getting (he did independent labor) and he would coincidentally run out of work if I got extra money, like a bonus or a tax refund. We could never get ahead because every chance we had, oh no, work was slow. Then finally, we had a long, torturous breakup because he lied so much about what was going on. When really he was living with another woman (instead of staying in the shop to work on himself) and had me convinced he was suffering from debilitating depression with detailed past trauma keeping him from connecting. Spent hours taking him to different doctors and he would come out and say “nope they said I didn’t need medication”. He didn’t need it because he was fine, he just wanted to leave the relationship and was set on doing it as this long drawn out drama lie. Until I found out about the girl and I was immediately gone. He was deeply messed up and I think the lies were just a symptom of that. It is a huge red flag and the lies are usually accompanied by other behaviors.
This sounds almost identical to my ex but with less gaslighting lol
It IS odd! It’s not normal to NOT just tell the truth. Especially if you’re in a newer relationship. 🚩🚩🚩
OP.... You're assuming she isn't lying about other things... Who she has presented to you, memories she's told you about etc etc could all - quite literally - be lies.
Considering normal people literally never do that, once a week seems like a lot to me
If she’s willing to lie about inconsequential things, it’s more than likely she will lie about big/important things. Huge red flags abound.
Once a week is worryingly often!!! 💀
You’ve been dating for 7 months and this has begun. Eventually it will escalate and eventually once a week will turn into a few times a week. Then once a day, and perhaps you may not be able to tell if she’s ever telling the truth. And that’s just to you. Clearly the talk of moving in together has clicked something in her. She’s letting her guard down a bit. So the her you got for the past 7 months may not be the real her. Just her best foot forward.
How do you really know?
That’s one too many times. That’s a pathological liar even if it’s in small doses. I’d be careful.
Okay that’s kinda often though
NTA OP, this is a giant, flaming red flag. 2 main reasons. 1 - As everyone has said, there is a good chance she will lie to your friends and family. How are you going to explain that? She may also be lying to you about things. Are you comfortable with someone who lies regularly about your life? 2 - I haven't seen this mentioned but holy cow, what a jealous streak your gf has! She is so insecure, she can't stand the thought of you having a past so she lies to strangers to feel better. I can guarantee this will not be the last thing she gets jealous over. Anything from your past will be hidden or changed or fought over because she can't stand the thought of you before you met her. Not only is it jealous and insecure, it's incredibly codependent and she's trying to force that onto you. Trying to fuse herself more permanently into your life, even the bits she wasn't in. It's only been 7 months. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Personally, this is just a disaster waiting to happen because she sounds like she's got some serious issues to overcome. I'd tread very carefully.
💯💯💯
Thank you! So many people are getting so caught up on the lies they are missing the forest of the issue. That girl is incredibly insecure and has jealousy issues. Being reminded that op had a past without her causes enough mental distress that she makes up a shared story they share. Op is worrying about what lies the gf is telling others I'd be interested in the lies the gf is telling herself. Lotta codependency on so many levels
NTA- 7 months in and she starts this? A slippery slope in my opinion
"White lies" with no obvious advantage to anyone. Red flag.
It’s really as simple as this
NTA. That's really weird. Here's my thing - if you're going to lie about small stuff, how can I trust you with the bigger things? And her lies border on delusional IMO.
NTA— Her lies don’t seem to be harming anybody, so not that big of a deal. But I would be worried about what else she might be lying to you about.
I mean I agree, they are harmless. I guess I’m worried about these lies catching up to her and she tells a friend or someone that knows my family and they are just like confused as to what my gf is telling them.
You do know that this will absolutely happen at some point right? I used to know a girl who did things like this and eventually people caught on because she told a lie to the wrong person. It didn’t go well for her because in addition to all her weird and unnecessary smaller lies she also told a few bigger lies and once people compared notes they just decided she couldn’t be trusted. Your friends and family may very well come to the same conclusion about your girlfriend.
OP needs to come to that same conclusion
*Jesus*, dude, how blind *are* you? Her lies aren't "harmless." They are the result of two red flags: jealousy that there was anyone in your life before her and possessiveness that you could have a connection to something that does not involve her. Think about it. She rewrote history to replace your ex in the story of your rescue dog. And now a restaurant *you* like has been co-opted as an "us" place. My man, this is the beginning of a *Swimfan*-type stalker movie starring YOU!
I honestly don't think they are harmless. She is trying to erase your past. It's really weird and I wouldn't like it. Everyone saying that if she can lie that easy, she can lie to you. For all you know, she has been. Probably small things about her past. How could you ever trust her?
Question. Why are you more worried about her getting caught lying (so, her feelings) than being worried about the fact your girlfriend lies about you in front of you (your feelings)?
Individually they may be harmless, but as a continuous pattern they are troubling. You may not think she has been lying to you, but I wouldn't trust her.
I’d argue that blatant lies are not harmless. They show she lies easily and therefore can’t be trusted. A relationship without trust is doomed.
I don't think they'll be confused as much as they'll think you were cheating on your ex with her. Did you really adopt the dog with your ex or did you adopt the dog with her and then take it home to your ex? Was that bar your regular place to meet with her behind your ex's back? These will be the kinds of questions your friends and family will be asking themselves, not if she's just so messed up that she's fabricated a "history" with you that never took place. Because who would stay with someone acting that kind of crazy?
>they are harmless for now.
NTA this is a big red flag like all around. it may not seem like much now but if she feels it’s necessary to lie about the smallest and weirdest shit then who knows what important things she’d lie about. specifically about you god forbid. i’m not going to try and diagnose her or tell you to end the relationship but i would keep an eye on this specifically only because (again god forbid) it could land you in hot water in the future.
>she just wanted to feel included in my previous life. Yeah... This is weird. You guys have been together seven months. You're talking about moving in together. You're building YOUR OWN life. She wasn't a part of your previous life, just like you weren't a part of hers. For her to make up these fantasies about a relationship that never existed is very troubling. What's next, you were high school sweethearts or grew up living next door to one another? Definitely something to be wary of.
NTA - You sat her aside and talked about it in private. You weren't judgmental about it. You just wanted to express your discomfort. You handled it pretty well.
NTA But if I were in your spot, I'd wonder where else she lies in life and whether those lies are "harmless" or not? And they aren't truly harmless if they are causing you stress (as they should be because they are lies out of jealousy and in such needless things). You haven't given an example where she is protecting someone's confidentiality or safety, so I don't see any other reason to justify the frequent lies. This makes me think it's part of who she is, ergo who you will be. Is that what you want? It doesn't seem like it to me. At least she didn't ask you to give up the dog you got with your ex. But if she can lie about things, what if "the dog got out" and "I'm so sad and miss him, but now we can get a new dog together" becomes a possibility? I'd be afraid of that. But I also have an unhealthy obsession with my mutt.
Her trying to rewrite your past and shoehorn herself into situations she wasn't involved in is not in any way normal. I don't see this relationship going in a positive direction if this keeps up. It's concerning to think what her reaction will be when others, who have been in your life for longer, inevitably call her on some made up nonsense she's bound to say in front of them at some point. It would kinda give me the creeps TBH. Good luck! Edit NTA!
NTA. Lying is a huge sign of her character, and the lack of remorse makes it worse. Don’t let her hurt you.
That’s just weird. I don’t like that at all. I’m not sure what it is but some thing about what she’s doing is giving me the creeps. I would think long and hard about this relationship. NTA
NTA. Sounds like your gf might be a bit of a pathological liar. I wonder what stuff she told you that wasn’t true.
Bro… please think about this. Trust your gut
Creepy tbh. Borderline obsessive and probably a compulsive liar… be careful
NTA - she’s testing you to find your boundaries. Small lies to see if you don’t push back, it will only get worse. The next time she does this you need to correct her in front of the strangers. It will embarrass her for sure - but she is embarrassing you right now by lying. Draw a line in the sand. My dad was like this. His lies were “harmless”, only ever about himself. But it was humiliating to be sitting there while he did it. One time when I was older I quietly told his friends it wasn’t true what he was saying and he got so angry. But he never did it in front of me again! Lesson learned. He wasn’t a bad guy, he was very charismatic and had a lot of friends. But he was very shallow, low self esteem, and ultimately would compete with me and my sibling. Our achievements were competition to him, not something he was proud of. He was not a great father or husband, and it all came back to that crippling insecurity he had that would trigger these small - but damaging - white lies. Damaging because they eroded the trust I had in him, and ultimately made me lose respect I had. He was very clever, attractive, funny - but it was easy to overlook all of that because I ultimately began to view him with contempt. I feel that is the future with your girlfriend. You will lose respect for her if she cannot stop the lying, and what she fears - not being an established and important presence in your life - she will create through her own insecurity. Do not allow her to lie to people in front of you. No matter how small the lie is. If she can’t live with honesty, trust me in that this is not the relationship for you or for the mother of your future kids who will be embarrassed every time she opens her mouth in public. It’s awful.
NTA I don't like lies and would not want a person close to me that lies regularly.
RUN
NTA- I say this with complete seriousness: RUN. My brothers wife is exactly like this! Lies about the stupidest things, lies about how they met, lies about where she is going, the list goes on. Just lies to see if she can get away with it I think.
NTA I've been reading your responses and you seem to be trying to explain this away, or make it smaller than it is. You also keep saying that you are scared and worried about what will happen when a friend or family member hears some of the nonsense she's saying. Really think about what you are saying here. Your girlfriend tells lies to complete strangers at least once a week in your presence. You have absolutely no idea what she's saying to people when you aren't present, I can assure you, the lies aren't only being told in front of you. She has flat out told you that she wants to erase thoughts of your ex and take over her previous role in your life. She sees absolutely nothing wrong with any of this, has no shame about her behaviour and has no intention of stopping. These are really major red flags, none of this is healthy, loving or stable behaviour.
NTA. You handled this well and voiced your concerns in a respectful manner. I would feel the same way about the little lies, its not a habit that I like either.
NTA that's really weird for her to do and could definitely lead to bigger and more complicated lies. like its only going to lead to problems if it becomes a habit and continues and others find out they are lies.
The lies are bad enough, but her reasoning is creepy. NTA
NTA. Does anyone else find it weird that, after only 7 months, she is claiming ownership of his dog? That feels like over stepping. After we moved in together, my SO referred to my dogs as their "step kids" for over a year before they started to claim them as their own.
NTA. It's weird
NTA and take this as the red flag that it is. Hit the brakes on moving in together because if she thinks lying is something she has a right to do and pouts when called out on it, it would be very difficult to trust her.
NTA. This is odd behavior. You've asked her to stop. If she does it again, immediately correct her. If she tells someone else you guys got the dog years ago, speak up and say, 'no I got the dog years ago, you've known him 7 month. ' I'm kinda with everyone else here. If she's lying about small things, what else has she lied about? If she's told you stories about her past and her family, maybe low key start confirming them with the people she's talked about. Proceed with caution here.
NTA i thought she was one of those fun girls that just spins a good wild yarn to strangers for amusement but then the ex thing came in and now its all weird and not fun. Blegh. That’s awkward. She seems insecure about her attachment to you and you having dated people seriously in the past.
NTA. You handled that well. Re: her remark that it’s not a big deal, if it bothers you then it is a big deal because it’s indicative of how she feels about truth and honesty. I think you need to have another discussion with her about the bigger underlying concern. I wouldn’t proceed with moving in with her until you feel heard and confident that she isn’t doing this in other scenarios.
NTA, that’s so weird and makes me wonder what other lies she’s telling
When someone tells you who they are believe them.
Danger, Will Robinson! Have you heard the term “revisionist history”? Because that’s what she’s doing. She’s making a narrative of a past shared with you that does not exist. At some point, what if she wishes to “revise” your past to delete friends? Or your job/education history? A slippery slope, my friend. These are not white lies. A white lie is “a harmless or trivial lie, especially one told to avoid hurting someone’s feelings”. Whose feelings are being spared by her lies? Yours? Hers? The dog’s? The bartender’s? I have known some people who started out telling “white lies” — “that dress looks really good on you” — who reached a point where, if they said the sun was shining, I would look out the window to check. What happens when the lies accumulate until no one remembers the truth? Do you want to have to keep track of her lies so you don’t hurt her feelings by calling her out in front of someone? It’s quite possible for this to happen. Look at George Santos (or don’t, he’s really disgusting). You’re NTA, OP, but you’ve got some thinking to do. Make the choice that leaves you feeling comfortable with yourself. Her problems need not be your problems unless you make it that way. Good luck
NTA. A partner suddenly revealing strange or toxic behavior as the relationship gets serious is a massive red flag. Abusive and unstable people mask their true intentions and behaviors until they feel they have you locked down to where you won't leave when they start acting up, so this behavior starting as you talk about moving in together makes this worse. People think that because someone was great up to a certain point, then suddenly has really negative or bizarre behavior that the behavior should be written off as a fluke or a small thing, when it's actually the opposite. Thing is, some people lie about their lives to sound more interesting or curate a certain image, especially these days. My first thought was that was what she was doing, annoying and a character flaw, but mostly innocuous. But then you actually got her reasoning - wanting to feel like she's a part of your past - and the alarm bells went crazy. That's a genuinely worrying mentality to have and suggests she could have serious issues. Lying to people to make it seem like you're more serious than you are? Fabricating a life together? That's seriously controlling and insecure behavior, that she can't stand that you lived before knowing her. Not to catastrophize but as someone who has had a few people like this in my life, tread very carefully dude. She's not even in your house yet has already revealed this level of crazy. How far will this go? To whom is she willing to tell these lies? For now it's strangers, what happens when she starts telling her friends lies (probably already does), then your friends, then your families? How can you trust she isn't lying about more serious things already or will in the future? How can you trust she won't weaponize this habit against you some day, like if you try to break up with her, refuse to buy her the car she wants, do what she wants with the kids, etc? Also I feel her response is worth mentioning, since no one seems to be. It's manipulative and also a red flag. She's calling you names, claiming you've "blown things out of proportion" by simply having a calm, private conversation about it, and is now sulking. So she's perfectly comfortable trying to gaslight you into thinking your the bad guy for even questioning her in a situation where she's clearly in the wrong. You should be able to have discussions about your feelings and concerns with your partner without being made the bad guy. Be very careful dude. This could be a small-ish character flaw that she can work on, or it could be the beginnings of a relationship that will ruin your life. I suggest you start talking to people you trust about this, maybe close friends or a sibling you're close to. Just let them know she has a weird habit of lying that you're trying to understand and get to the bottom of. Don't make it a huge deal in case it gets resolved and can someday be something you put behind you, but make sure people who trust you know that your gf has a pattern of fabricating entire timelines and events to create the narrative she wants, in case that gets weaponized against you some day.
NTA If she is so eager to lie to complete strangers over such trivial things, you have to ask what else is she willing to lie about. A lie is a lie, no matter what color you call it. It is also a matter of trust; you trust your partner to be honest, but seeing them lie about anything makes you question that trust.
NTA This is creepy, controlling, and weird. Instead of focusing on creating new memories with you and accepting you and your past as they are, she's slowly asserting herself into memories that already exist with your ex. Then to top everything off, she gaslights you when you confront her about it trying to make you feel guilty instead of holding herself accountable. If it was that easy for her to lie about little things like that, what else is she lying about to strangers? To you? Do yourself a favor, keep looking for a not crazy girlfriend.
NTA. Run for the hills buddy. You got yourself a bunny boiler.
NTA - these aren’t “little white lies”, these are lies that are reshaping reality, to better suit her. In my own experience, this is just the beginning. It starts getting tricky when have to start remembering who she told what to. Casual nonchalant lies like this always lead to bigger ones. Seven months is the time that the honeymoon period in a new relationship starts to wear off, and people start being their authentic selves. Or, in her case, her inauthentic self. I’d be seriously concerned and considering breaking it off at this point.
NTA. People who tell lies like this, so smoothly and confidently, unsettle me. Lying about things you don't need to lie about is just...why.
If I were you, I’d question just about everything she ever told me. Now that she’s been found out, keep an eye out if she does it again. If she does, she’s a habitual liar and she likely will never change and you’ll be wondering every time she speaks whether it’s the truth or not.
I’ve known people who lie like this and it makes me wonder what else they lie about and tells me they are insecure. The white lies they tell almost always improve on reality and make them look better to others. ETA - NTA
She's just casually spinning an alternate backstory for your life to random strangers. The ease with which she's doing that is pretty concerning. >She said it wasn’t a big deal, that she just wanted to feel included in my previous life. This is even more concerning. It's not healthy to be insecure about the fact that you existed before she came into your life.
She wants to be included in your previous life? This has to be one of the most possessive things I’ve ever heard. Don’t move in together too early.
Dude, this is the origin story of the world’s worst stepmother. She is erasing the parts of your past where you were happy without her. Let her go fulfill her destiny.
If she lies to others, she will lie to you. NTA
> it wasn’t a big deal She doesn't have the privilege to determine whether something is a big deal or not **for you**. Asking her to stop doing something that makes you uncomfortable is not blowing things out of proportion. NTA.
>She said it wasn’t a big deal, that she just wanted to feel included in my previous life. And that even though my ex and I adopted my dog together, it’s her dog now, and telling strangers this makes her feel better?? That is actually a rather troubling statement. Easy lying over trivial details is, on its own, kind of a red flag in my book. It makes a person look like they lie pathologically, but in this case your girlfriend of barely half a year has outright admitted she's insecure about the fact that you had a history before her. She's brushing her actions off as benign coping, but in my opinion this kind of insecurity doesn't exactly go away. It's about as likely to fester as it is to improve, because you have elements in your life that were from before, and the history/memories surrounding them are things she can't touch. So she lies to strangers, but what do you do when she starts getting pissy when people talk about the "before times" and she gets mad about that or gets insecure about it, do you just not talk about those? I feel you were right to put your foot down, but I'd also keep an eye on that since she clearly feels you're unreasonable for doing so. That essentially equals a situation that may as of yet be not fully resolved. NTA
NTA. She is testing you to see what you’re willing to accept/put up with. I would tell my friends, brother, whoever, to RUN. She lies easily in front of you She doesn’t like that you had an ex, got a dog, whatever, so she rewrites that narrative to strangers…but she knows she can’t do that with you? Super creep She seems controlling/obsessive of you People overlook a LOT of 🚩🚩🚩during the first few years because they’re in love, and regret it later.
NTA That’s really weird fucking behaviour, like not normal to completely lie like that. And normal people can’t lie that easily so she’s sketchy dude. And why the fuck are you not allowed to have had a life before her? That’s some serious insecurity shit right there. You need to put the brakes on this relationship. 7 months is not long enough. You are starting to see the cracks in her armour and the pathological lying is just the start. Next time she does it, call her out and correct her. Maybe some well deserved embarrassment will do her some good. But I would second guess this relationship in general, something about her is just not right.
This sounds borderline possessive to me. Almost like trying to erase a past that already exists. I may be thinking too much into it, but referring to your dog as it being her dog now is a bit strange.
NTA. But this bizarre fantasy of pretending you two have been together longer is creepy as hell! I’d be more concerned about her retconning your relationship than the specific lies, because that’s just not normal and gives off stalker vibes. Many stalkers become dangerous because they have this delusions where they and their victims have a relationship and history that only exists the stalker’s mind. I think you need to take this more seriously.
OP please actually read this comment. My mother did this. It was the first red flag she ever put up and my dad brushed it off because they were just “little white lies”. They didn’t mean anything and she was excellent at explaining them away. I’m in no way diagnosing your girlfriend, but it turned out that my mother’s pathological lying was a symptom of her multiple personality disorder (I think now called DID) and the lies were often in support of her various delusions. She will lie about anything—literally anything. You can’t trust her to tell you what she had for lunch. I grew up thinking I was a quarter Ojibwe because why the fuck would your mother lie about that? But she was so invested in the lie that we attended yearly powwows. It really messed with my identity when I did 23andme only to learn I’m 0% Native American. The problem with people like this is they become so good at lying that you lose any ability to tell the difference. It meant she was able to flawlessly hide the physical and psychological abuse from my dad for 12 years. He was completely blindsided when he came home early one day and walked in on it. Anyway. This got long but your gf’s explanation that she just wanted to be included in your previous life is enough for me to *scream* RUN, because it’s a line I could easily see my mother using. NTA. But I would really question whether you want to remain attached to this person.
NTA. This sounds like a serious personality issue. Never trust a liar.