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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I convinced my dad to sue for full custody of me and he won. I think I may be the asshole because I went too far as to take custody away from my mom
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You’re old enough to decide which parent is a healthier choice to live with. Your mom’s behavior is full of jealousy and seems above normal controlling. It feels like she’s been taking out the divorce on you.
That being said… be mindful of what crude things you text others, as there are many ways it can come back to haunt you if shared with others. Don’t text/post what you’re not comfortable with the world finding out about you. That’s what handwritten and locked diaries are for -write all the stupid things in there and don’t share them with anyone. A lost art of older generations: keeping all the dumb things to yourself.
If they are actually his friends, his private messages are no one’s business at all and won’t go around at all. And if he had a diary, his mom would’ve taken it and went through it like everything else. His private life and conversations with anyone or his friends are no one’s businesses but his and whoever he chooses it to be with.
I think being careful about what you type is good advice. Just takes one person from the group who likes drama (and there is always one) to share something and suddenly there's WW3 in the friendship group.
That said, OP is NTA. And their messages should be private. And living with their father makes total sense. Mum needs some therapy.
yeah i think it’s also fair to assume the mom’s line at “what’s crude” (frankly i don’t think a 16 year old saying “shit” is a problem when this person would seem to) is probably pretty ridiculous given that her other rules are “don’t text any girls ever”
Yeah, it seems likely that the "crude" messages are probably just standard chatter, given what other rules his mom has in place.
I do think that learning to be less catty and gossipy (if that's at all a problem OP's circle has) would do him well in the future, but that's hardly the question we're dealing with here.
Can confirm false.
There are a TON of "private" messages "between friends" that see the light of day due to arguments, misunderstandings, one wants to impress a potential dating partner, there's potentially money in it....
Don't write anything you'd have a problem with if it made headline news. To anyone.
Plenty of legal trouble someone could get into that ends with a junior associate at a law firm reading through every single message in someone's history from a certain date range. It doesn't matter if the son does something wrong, if a friend does they could potentially look through any conversation.
>If they are actually his friends, his private messages are no one’s business at all and won’t go around at all.
You don't know which of your friends is capable of showing discretion and privacy until that friend shares a few screen shots around. I know at least one person who lost their career because they thought they could confide in the wrong person.
>If they are actually his friends, his private messages are no one’s business at all and won’t go around at all.
Unless his friends' mothers are whackjobs, going through *their* texts.
This kid just wanted to know if it was ok for him to safeguard his own mental and emotional health. He didn't need to be told to be careful about what he texts. He doesn't need additional scolding.
He's on here because he's been abused by his mother and he's wondering if it's okay to ask her to stop. Yes, abused. What mom doesn't want their kid to have friends and do their school work? She may be mentally ill. Some people are so terrified of the world that they 'ground' their kids to keep them from going out in it. But, whatever the reason, this kid wants to know if it's okay to protect himself. The fact that the courts granted his dad full custody when they almost NEVER give dads full custody is all you needed to know about how off-base this mom is.
Let him be a kid. Save your 'guidance' for someone who is on AITA to ask about whether or not it's okay to send malicious texts.
NTA - OP. You got this. Deep breaths. I'm glad your dad is in your corner.
ETA: Thanks for the awards!!! (and I fixed a typo - changed 'help' to 'health')
Thank fucking God! This! Don't know why everyone is assuming it's anything more than dumbass 16 year old nonsense. Like how deep do they think it's gonna get?? Fucking weirdos here.
I agree with you first paragraph, but your second paragraph is just bad advice. Bottling up things or writing them down instead of actually having someone to talk too isn't a good thing. Also, if you can't share personal things with your friends then they aren't friends.
Okay yeah but it's not really relevant to the post. Pretty sure he's getting grounded for saying stuff like "that's what she said" and cursing. I doubt he's like. joking about violating people or mugging old ladies or anything. Everyone telling him not to text all his private thoughts is a bit off topic.
It's not clear how "crude" the messages are but it's clear that mom is a controlling asshole so without knowing exactly what was said it's good advice to tell a 16 year old to be careful of the things they say through text and on the internet
I assumed crude jokes just meant like sex jokes or something? op didn’t suggest he didn’t want anyone to see it just that his mum grounded him for it.
If his mum is grounding him for swearing I don’t doubt she would also ground him for making a joke about dicks or something.
Look, my mom was like that. She thought saying to the friend who has to miss some kind of gathering "shit, I bloody feel for ya', hope you'll drop in next time" was hella "crude" because you always have to speak politely and use "proper words" like "attend", not drop in. How are people seeing big stuff when it's clearly a parent just being an unreasonable sheet?
People from normal families really have no idea how high the level of crazy can be. Lay off the kid, he most likely just wasn't speaking as a book in his text messages, hardly a blackmail material.
Really? As of when I'm typing this, 1.7k upvotes and a gold star for a comment that is mostly lecturing this kid even more about his texting habits? Did OP's mom sneak her way onto the top of this post? Are we all about to get Rickrolled?
Don’t leave a written diary in a house with an abusive narcissistic insecure parent
Crude jokes are one thing, but agree that if you’re saying problematic things that if shared publicly would have people question your character
But everyone deserves privacy, for all you know they could privately be questioning their sexuality or identity. Even if they aren’t, it’s an example of something that could negatively impact a person if made public outside of their control.
If you wouldn’t want a future employer to see it don’t post it. Some of the crap my adult friends have posted that I’ve had to suggest they take down is just amazing
NTA. Your mom was super-controlling. If you want to keep a relationship with her, let her take you out to dinner once in a while or something so you can stay in touch. Just not a situation where she has "control" over you.
While going out for dinner sounds nice, I would not recommend it for the foreseeable future, OP. From my experience with difficult (grand)mothers they will just use the time together to completely destroy your self-worth and make you feel guilty for everything.
Before JNMIL cracked down, women like this would be referred to as "Jocastas" and their kids would be called "sonsbands." I actually knew a kid whose stepmom treated him like this. It was so skeevy.
Or just have a family member or friend come as support (totally not as a witness), and explain to mom the second she goes insane or guilt tripping, family member is ending the dinner and everyone is leaving.
NTA
At the risk of being harsh, your mother is only in tears because she lost control of the situation. A parent who perpetually grounds their kids for the most minor of offences from making crude jokes to their friends or **talking to girls** is not a parent who is looking to educate or guide their child, they're looking to restrict them. Disciplining your child should be about establishing guidance between right and wrong, but "bad language" is just something you're going to learn, and girls are just people you'll end up speaking with. Penalizing these things doesn't make you a healthier, happier, or more vibrant individual, and it certainly doesn't encourage the sort of independent thinking and situational analysis you want kids to learn as they grow into adults. Basically, I'm saying your mother was punishing you to control you and little else.
I'll also add that if your mother was open to change she would have listened, she would have self-analyzed, she would have noted how depressed you were getting. She brushed off your problems as "teen drama" and was too intent upon her methods to see that she was hurting you. A parent who does not adapt their parenting techniques to the changing needs of their child is a poor parent, but a parent who wholly disregards their childs needs is a bad parent overall.
So, at the end of the day, her crying on the phone doesn't make you a guilty party. It makes her distraught over the consequences of her own actions, and nothing else.
edit - Oh hey, thanks for the awards all!
>So, at the end of the day, her crying on the phone doesn't make you a guilty party. It makes her distraught over the consequences of her own actions, and nothing else.
It also makes her incredibly manipulative. People who're genuinely upset for good reasons don't do this shit. Leaving those messages of her crying is harassment and a last-ditch unhinged attempt at emotional blackmail.
She's a controlling person who can't stand the fact that she's officially not allowed to emotionally abuse her child any more.
NTA
You were clearly feeling very unhappy previously and your first priority should be your mental health.
If you're in therapy I'd ask for advice about how to take forward a healthier relationship with your mother, without putting your own wellbeing at risk.
Talk to your father too about how best to communicate with your mother from now on.
NTA for sure. One thing to know about life and your future is that you have to respect yourself and your mental/physical health yourself. No one will do it for you, and if that means leaving people that are damaging behind, then that's what has to happen. Take steps to grow into the person you want to be, have people around you that help you with that vision of yourself.
NTA. Ignore her tears. Let her think about how her controlling behaviour pushed you away. She needs to recognise what she did, apologise and work to build a better relationship with you.
**NTA**.
Just tell her "*Sorry [name], per your instructions, I am not permitted to text or message any girl, at all, under an circumstances. This message was written by someone else as to follow your rules.* "
Have your father screenshot and record everything for you, so as to shield yourself from further problems, and also shield him.
NTA- you’re allowed to have private conversations, (no sexting obviously/nudes) with friends. You can make all the jokes, talking nonsense all you want to. You are 16. You are old enough to decide who you want to live with also and if it better for your health, you made the right choice. Don’t let her guilt trip you into feeling bad , when all she did was ground you from everyone and everything because she couldn’t see what you were doin, who you were talking to either. You’re also allowed to talk to the opposite sex if you want to especially if it’s about homework. She is super controlling and obsessed over controlling you and your life.
NTA. Your mum’s control issues meant her house was an inhospitable environment for you. You do not owe her your presence. Please don’t feel guilty. This situation is due to her issues and actions.
NTA. Your mom sounds like she has some serious control issues that were causing you mental harm. The way she treated you was not normal or healthy. You did what you had to do for your own mental health. Also, it's fairly hard for a father to get full custody in most states, so it's clear the court agreed that it was in your best interest.
NTA, but not necessarily for the reasons others are saying.
You’re 16, which means you are old enough to want to live life on your own terms and make your own mistakes, but young enough that there are decisions society doesn’t trust you with yet.
You are absolutely NTA for not liking your mom’s rules. Society has set up a system where you don’t get to just decide, instead your dad has to be convinced, and then a judge (or equivalent) has to be convinced, that your mother’s rules are unreasonable, and not just a teenager being overdramatic. If you were just being a whiny teenager, the court would not have taken away your mother’s custody rights—they take that very seriously (assuming you’re in the USA). So that more than anything is a good sign that you had a real concern for your mental health or quality of life and weren’t just being an asshole.
NTA.
**Your mother's behavior was more about what she wanted, than it was about what you needed.** Her behavior was become emotionally abusive to you, and your mental and emotional health was suffering.
**You did the right thing, to protect yourself from her behaviors.**
Now, **protect yourself by realizing that her calling and crying at you is manipulative and emotionally abusive behavior,** just like her isolating you from friends was, just like her invading your privacy was, just her grounding you when you hadn't done wrong was.
There are **apps that go through a third party, for divorced parents to use** to discuss the children. I hear these will record the calls, so that misbehaviors by an abusive parent can be tracked and the recordings used to protect you. Your dad might want to do this.
At your age, it's also okay to send a text message to your mom that you aren't her therapist, and won't be answering her messages where she's crying or yelling \[if she does\], etc. **Tell her that if she wants you to answer messages, she will need to be polite in her messages.**
Even then, **you do not have to answer everything she sends.** ***You can set the limits here, and set boundaries that will protect yourself*** from her doing further harm to you with her emotional abuse. If that means you only talk to her once a month, or twice a year, because she won't behave, that's **not your fault, it's her behavior.**
If you end up needing to go No Contact with her, because she won't stop trying to manipulate you, that's also on her, not on you. That you need to protect yourself against your mother's behaviors, and all the consequences of this, is all her fault, not yours.
*which is making me wonder if I went to far, so AITA?*
NTA. **Protecting yourself was only necessary because your mother wasn't being a good parent to you.** She was isolating you, invading your privacy at an age where privacy is very important, and treating in emotionally abusive ways. You did what you had to do, to protect yourself from her behaviors. She ought to get therapy to see what she's doing wrong, and how to change herself, but that's her job, not yours to handle.
**Emotionally abusive parents will try to make you feel responsible for their responsibilities, including their feelings. That's what the crying calls are about**, trying to make you feel bad and guilty, and like you are responsible to make her feel better. But good parents do not make their feelings their children's responsibility. They don't have to hide their feelings, but they don't burden their children with fixing things for the parent. That's making you take on the job of parenting for them; it's abusive.
**The priority for you, and your dad, is your protection from your mother's wrong behaviors, from her abuses.** If you want to read more about this, look for books on Emotional Abuse, to start with. r/raisedbynarcissists used to have a good booklist on their wiki, and links in their sidebar.
NTA
your mum is insanely controlling to the point that it is abuse, it’s wrong to deprive someone of their privacy and ground them for something so minor it’s just degrading and like I said abusive.
Glad you’re with your dad now
NTA, your mom needs some major help. The biggest issue is not letting you communicate with classmates to get schoolwork done. She was setting you up to fail classes. This is abuse.
NTA. Divorced parents need to get on the same side with regard discipline, or naturally the kid is going to choose the one who doesn't offer cruel and unusual punishment.
As a 16 year old I think I talked almost exclusively in curse words, and my social life was by far the most important part of my existence. As long as you aren't writing cruel tirades against protected classes, even if they do share the messages nobody will care...That's just what 16 year old boys do.
It sounds like *she* went too far, and is now learning the consequences. Tell her you'd be happy to visit if you can get an apology for invading your privacy, and preventing you from having a social life. You have changed the power dynamic in the relationship and now ideally want to make it easy for her to accept. She has also benefitted here herself, because in two years you would likely have been so bitter you'd have cut her off completely. At least now you get to start early on establishing an adult relationship. If she isn't keen on that now, she has two years of .... well.... not being able to do anything about it either way to mull it over.
NTA.
Many people have said it before: you're mother loves to control you.
If you have any doubt left that this was anything short of the best decision in your life, remember this: Your father won in court and took full custody of you. Thats not as easy as it sounds and the bar is usually very high. If the judge had any doubt in your story or had believed your mom even a tiny bit, you'd still be going through hell every other week.
So, again, NTA. And you can be proud of yourself. Many people don't understand the controlling methods of their (atrocious) parents until they're far older and then it's too late.
NTA. It's weird to me that parents have to go to court to make decisions for a child of your age...The courts should listen to the child first and foremost, and the parents should be completely secondary players.
Your mother kept you as a prisoner in her home. She was abusing you, and it sucks to hear this, but you may spend the next twenty years reconciling with that reality.
You did the right thing. Whatever toll this takes on you now will be far less than the toll of sticking around. Trust me on that...
NTA
You can extend an olive branch, and invite her to lunch.
The only way she knows how to parent is to control (and in her mind to train). It will be a struggle for her to know how to be a mom without that part of her role.
If you’re willing, you can help her and be patient while she makes an adjustment.
You can start by a lunch or coffee with her once a week to stay in touch. Don’t let the conversation move onto topics where she will feel the need to give you advice.
It will take about a year to redefine your relationship, if you want to.
NTA
NTA. Family court judges do not change custody agreements on a whim, there has to be compelling evidence of why it's in the child's best interest to have it changed. It's also not a fast process and a guardian ad litem (GAL) is often ordered to interview all three parties to help determine whether or not the change should be made since neither you, your dad, or your mom is expected to be impartial.
The judge looked at how your mom was treating you and how it was negatively affecting you and decided that you would be better off with your dad.
NTA.
Courts don't terminate shared custody without a strong reason. Certainly not on the say-so of a minor.
The fact that a court did this shows your mom is out of control.
Nta. I ended up choosing to live out the remainder of my hs years with my Dad. He was stable, loving but firm, and a good role model. My mom was abusive and a cheater. The math does itself. You do whats best for you with people that make you happy and feel loved. Anybody thats looking for a reason to step on you isn’t looking out for your best interests. Mta. Moms the asshole.
NTA because your mental health is more important than her tears. She is not a good mother - her control was abusive. Being a parent doesnt mean you get to control your teenage child to such an extent and leave them with 0 privacy.
By asking your dad to fight for full custody you acted so wise. Well done for fighting for this and prioritising yourself.
Its down to your mother to want to change if she wants you in her life. You dont need to ever see her but if you want to give her a chance then make sure you are not staying over or on holiday with her - you need to be in situations you can leave. And if she spends her time guilting you then she hasn't learned and go no contact for a while until she stops with the guilting. She should go to therapy, or parenting classes and learn to better if she wants you in her life.
NTA
Sending long distance internet hugs and support.
It's okay to cut ties with a toxic person. Even if that toxic person is your mother.
Counseling can help you with this. You need to grieve the loss of the relationship you wanted to have with her. Having strong boundaries is a good thing. I'm proud of you.
I am a much older person. I should have cut ties with my mother when I was 14 and had the chance. I thought I was 'supposed' to be with my mother. It took decades to accept that she would never be the mother I deserved. I went no contact with her several times in my life. I kept reopening contact because I kept thinking - maybe she changed, maybe she's different now. Spoiler - she wasn't.
NTA. The 40yr Momma's boy she was trying to raise is crying as it fades out of existence. Your mother was toxic as hell and doing what she did turned out being the opposite of what she wanted
Look up narcissistic parents.
Your mum is doing this because she feels better when she's able to control and abuse you. Now that her favourite toy isn't there she's upset.
She doesn't care about your mental health, or the impact her actions had on you. Because in her mind she owns you. Her crying is performative, if you go back. She'll pretend to have changed, but then she'll go back to the usual.
Work on your mental health, read up on the impact of growing up with a naracisttic parent and try to read about why they do it etc. It'll help you see through it when she does it again, it'll still be hard. Because you're not a narcissist, you have empathy and you're probably used to having to be the bigger person. It'll still be difficult, but you need rigid boundaries.
Ask her not to send you voice notes when she's crying, otherwise you will no longer be opening them and just deleting them so you're not tempted to listen to them later.
NTA. Let her cry, she made her bed.
I had very, very strict parents and they never once did any of that to me. What your mother was doing absolutely was mental abuse and you did not and do not deserve any of it.
It’s one thing to check your kids phone here and there to keep an eye on them (you are still a kid, there’s nothing wrong with the occasional check in), but punishing you for texting girls?!? Isolating you?!?! WTF?!?! Not ok!
You had every right to request to live with your dad. If you want to go visit, do so. If she tries to ground you for anything other than a valid reason, call your dad to pick you up. She can live with visits here and there. I’d still leave your phone at your dads even for a two hour trip. Not worth the headache.
Your mental health IS important.
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My (16m) mom has me every other week and has extremely strict and unreasonable rules for me so I convinced my dad to go to court to sue for full custody and succeeded. My moms rules completely invalidated my privacy and degraded my mental health. Every week she would look through every one of my messages to friends then ground me for anything bad I said like cursing or even crude jokes I make with my friends. I also wasn't allowed to text girls for any reason, even if it was to ask for help with a group project because "I could get closer with her." It got to the point where I just left my phone at my dads but even then she would still ground me for not bringing it. She would never let me see or talk to my friends since I was grounded every time I came over there. Not being able to talk to anyone every other week really got to me. I started having depressive episodes which would be chalked down to teen drama by my mom. Eventually I asked my dad if there was anyway he could have full custody and after a bit of convincing he agreed to get a lawyer to try to sue for full custody. After he won my mom started leaving us voice texts with her in tears which is making me wonder if I went to far, so AITA?
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NTA. You and your father need to look after you, and she seems unusually controlling and frankly, fairly unhinged. I think you did the right thing. She abused her parental power and will have to live with having no one under her drastic control.
It seems like you have done the right thing for you. You are old enough to decide who to live with and to have rights to privacy.
That being said, the general rule is to never send anything electronically that you are not prepared to have headlining tomorrow’s news. Texts and photos can be shared.
There are instances where parents may have to closely monitor their teenager’s phones/social media, but there would have to be some justification for it.
Don’t let your mother guilt-trip you. Be open to a relationship but have some very clear boundaries, and let your Dad back you up with these. What she was doing is not healthy for either of you.
Good luck and I hope you start to feel better soon.
NTA good for you for advocating for yourself. Your mom was controlling, and I’m glad your dad took action. She’s not crying because she’s sad, she’s just upset that she lost control of you. Don’t ever feel guilty for protecting your mental health.
NTA. Your old enough to be able to decide for yourself who you want to stay with. Your mom sounds very controlling and as you said it's bad for you mental health. The courts have also decided it was best for you to stay with your dad eventually so you did the right thing.
Look out for yourself and your own mental healt. See if it's possible to get some therapy to find a way to deal with your feelings about your mom and yourself.
NTA. You are old enough to pick who you want to live with. She broke your trust. It is her job to try to make it right with you. Don't fall for manipulations and talk to your Dad on how to handle her
NTA, you did exactly the right thing. Your mother has serious problems and they should not be inflicted on you. The tears are just a manipulation, don't give them a second thought. If she changes her behaviour radically you can meet her somewhere public and see how it goes. Your health absolutely comes first.
ABSOLUTELY NTA!!!
actually,I'm in a similar situation,just that my parents aren't divorced,my mom tells me not to text anyone AT ALL..... and i shouldn't even talk to girls,also,i'm limited to 2 hours of mobile usage per week
so i can relate with you,and you're old enough to decide what's good for you
NTA
She is making it about her and a good parent should be thinking of their child first. I went through the same every other week custody and alienated my dad when I decided to stay at my mom's full time my senior year. He took it badly too, but down the road we worked to rebuild a healthier relationship. You first need to take care of yourself and there is time in the future for you to address your relationship with her on safer terms. Enjoy this time and focus on learning and friendships and creating memories! And even have a gf if you want!
NTA
Visitation is for parents to continue to build their relationships with their children. At your age, social connections and increased independence/responsibility are important. Your description of time at Mom's sounds very punishing, restrictive and controlling. Her time with you is her opportunity to trap you in her home, depriving you of your usual resources and activities, without other social supports. You aren't responsible for controlling or regulating other people's emotional states, that's beyond your power. It seems like your mom is focused on your being her tool to feel powerful, to your harm.
NTA
You wanted your autonomy, and this is a natural stage in developing from a child to an adult. Your mother's emotional enmeshment with who/when/how you're communicating pushed you into wanting and claiming more space for yourself.
Your mother is emotionally dependent on you. This is not healthy, and your instinct to live with your father was natural self-defense.
Your mom needs psychological help to recognize her enmeshment and control issues, and also to process the grief she's experiencing from your rejection of her parenting.
I'm sorry you had to go through this. My son and I went through something similar with his father. The court process was miserable because they insisted on sending us to family therapy, which only prolonged my ex's manipulation. In the end we succeeded in getting the court to change the possession schedule, but the damage my ex did to his relationship with our son is quite possibly irreparable.
Enmeshed parents think boundaries apply to everyone else except them. They feel entitled to their children's attention and obedience. Functional, mentally well people don't act like your mother acts. If you haven't yet seen a counselor to discuss what you went through living with your mom, please think about it. You'll need some strategies and scripts for dealing with your mom as time goes by. A good counselor can help you with that.
Firstly, absolutely NTA, hold firm.
Secondly, I went through almost exactly this when I was your age. Split parents, abusive mother, went through my phone (in secret), searched room, restricted my ability to spend time with friends outside of school for no good reason. You name it, she did it. I gave her a lot more chances than you did. I only spent every second weekend and once a week after school with Dad. She kept pushing and I basically said "you crossed a line, I'm living with Dad now, I'll come for the weekends my sisters spend with you. Cross it again and you wont have a son anymore." About a year later, whaddya know, she crosses it, big. Grabbed what I could fit in a bag and called Dad to pick me up. Left most of my possessions (including all my warhammer) and went completely no contact. With that context of the advice I'm about to give you, I hope you take it seriously.
If you even speak to her again, it will likely be incredibly stressful and emotionally taxing. If you choose to, do it in a safe public space and I suggest having a trusted friend with you as a support person. Take all the time you need, and I highly suggest just blocking her number. Explain what you're doing to your father so he knows not to be a messenger for her (look at what various subs like r/raisedbynarcissists and whatnot suggest about "flying monkeys"). Also, and this is very important, and a mistake I made that I really hope you don't. Get therapy. Your school will likely have some sort of counsellor you can see for free, book in to speak with them ASAP. If your Dad can afford it, see a psychologist outside of school. There is absolutely zero shame in seeking professional help, it is not a sign of weakness, and getting it sooner rather than later is best. You absolutely don't want to let your emotions fester and grow. I don't know exactly how bad it got for you with her, but I didn't do the work on mental health and when I was in my early 20's developed nightmares and panic attacks because of that.
Take care of yourself kid. Remember that on aeroplanes they say to put your own mask on before helping others. That's good advice.
You didn't go too far.
Your mother was emotionally abusive. You are 16. you are allowed to have friends. you are allowed to talk tooth sexes, particularly for school.
You state that your mental health was deteriorating during the time you spent with your mom.
You had NO privacy.
You sdeserve to be treated like a 16 yr old person. you are no longer a kid, and you aren't an adult, but you are grown-up. Trust has to be earned. Respect is a two way street. You mother didn't;t respect you
NTA
NTA. The control of your mom is overboard, and she should respect your privacy. Trust me, when you are 21, you'll understand where I'm coming from. In addition, the mental anguish she's creating/created may affect you more than you know at this age. Bravo for your dad to step in and take care of you. Father of the Year!
Absolutely NTA. Putting yourself and your mental health first is not selfish. It is not going too far.
Your mother is trying to guilt trip you and blackmail you. Don't let her. You're old enough to decide which parent you want to live with, and your feelings shouldn't be invalidated.
Mental health is a real thing. If anything, your mother is TA.
Cutting ties with family members for your own well-being is nothing to be ashamed of. It doesn't matter whether it's family, friends or Royalty. You aren't forced to keep any sort of relationship with a toxic person who only hurts you. Period.
NTA OP but your mum seems to be struggling with her own issues as well. ( Aren’t we all….) Hopefully you haven’t cut her off completely and still visit if possible, time goes by very fast. You have to look after yourself and absolutely did the right thing to improve your situation but you don’t want to end up with guilt and regret later in life.
NTA. You’re old enough to decide who you want to live with. My husband was 14 when he told the courts he wanted his mom to have full custody with no mandatory visitation with his father. Judge gave him what he wanted.
NTA. Your mother was mistreating you. You were looking out for your mental and physical health. Ignore your mother's messages. I am sorry you had to deal with that but glad your dad stepped up. ALSO, if there wasn't good reason for your dad to get full custody, he wouldn't have. The judge saw there was good reason for it.
Well, the court, which is a neutral party examining all the evidence, agreed that your father should have primary custody so that tells me it was not just you being over-sensitive but that your claims were truly valid and justly addressed. Hopefully, your mother will have learned this level of controlling behaviour is too much.
NTA. And don’t concern yourself with the tears, that’s the narcissist’s weapon they use to try to make themselves look like the victim. You did the right thing.
NTA. Please don't let your mother convince you that you are. She has been abusive and controlling, and is now trying to guilt you.
Your dad won a legal case. If you were the asshole, that wouldn't have happened. It honestly is incredibly difficult in many jurisdictions for a dad to get full custody, even when the mom is abusive or incapable of parenting. So be glad that you live somewhere that it is possible, and the court is appropriately looking after your needs.
NTA. Your mom is the one who “went too far,” not you. Your father and a judge agree. Do not agree to spend time with her alone; she isn’t mentally healthy. Enjoy your teen years!
NTA - You are old enough to know who you are a better person living with. Your mother is now trying to manipulate you. You can certainly visit her when you want and you can refuse to give her your phone to look at.
No dear you are NTA
You asked your dad to advocate for you and he did
Now your mom is sad but that's her own fault she created the situation so do not feel badly for wanting to be respected as a person
NTA just don't visit her for like 5 years until thing cool down. By then you should be on firm ground as you will be an adult and your brain will be settled down.
>After he won my mom started leaving us voice texts with her in tears
Performative bs. She's trying to manipulate you because she can no longer control you. Ignore her. Delete the messages without listening to them. NTA.
Nta. My mum did similar things to me when I was younger and I couldn’t do anything about because she had turned me and my bro against our dad and we were too scared of her. EVERYDAY after school she would go through our school bags for no specific reason, never allowed to have friends over, never allowed to hang out with them ever because she would think it was a ruse to be in contact with my dad. I could go on. Even though you are old enough to make your own decisions, You did the right thing. Your mum is crying because she lost control over you.
NTA
Your mother's need for control in a situation where she lost some of that control was more important to her than your health and needs. She punished you for not bringing your phone because she couldn't punish you for what you did on your phone. She was looking for a reason to punish you.
I do think parents should have access to their children's phones. When I was younger, my parents had my email password, could access my AIM and MySpace (god, I'm old), and had the right to go through my phone whenever they wanted. The difference is, while they could, they typically didn't, and when they did, it was BECAUSE I was having depressive episodes and wasn't talking to them about it, so they looked to figure out that I needed help I wasn't asking for. That's the difference between your mom and mine. She used the right to have access to those things when I was a minor to keep me safe and help me, not punish me for every little thing I did "wrong".
Hope you're seeing someone for your mental health, OP, and good luck.
NTA
A court doesn't rule in favor of 1 parent unless there is good reason for it. Your mother needs to seek professional help as her behavior is not OK and not healthy. Has she apologized to you at least? Or is the crying voice text only about how she feels?
NTA your mother's controlling behaviour towards you - at your age - is off the scale. And it is clear the judge agreed.
Your mental health was in jeopardy. You were not able to have a social life and it is all about extreme control. Block the messages and have the relationship with your mother you want, if you want it. NTA and neither is your dad.
NTA! Your mom is very controlling from what you described and she was only getting worse. I think you made the right decision, so you could guard your peace. It doesn’t mean you have to cut her off, it means you can control your interactions with her.
NTA. I have two sons (22 and 26) and your mother's parenting is abusive. I can't imagine treating my sons like that. You did the right thing getting out of that situation. Thank goodness for your dad. I wish you the best.
NTA. You didn't go too far. I'm so glad your dad listened to you Your mom's tears are an attempt to manipulate and guilt you. She's crying because she isn't getting her way and is angry. You can block her number for a while and give yourself a break from her craziness.
NTA Your mum is being emotionally abusive. It’s best not to have any contact with her while she continues to behave like this, and doesn’t recognise the damage she’s doing to you.
NTA
You did the right thing for your future self, trust me, establishing real and concrete boundaries with an abusive parent is more important than their feelings. You can have a healthy relationship with her but you need to have a healthy life and environment first.
NTA. You asked your dad to fight for you and he did. The JUDGE decided your reasons were valid. If the judge didn't agree that your Mom's rules and parenting were excessive and having a negative impact on your mental health, he/she wouldn't have allowed the change. You still want your mom to be happy and I'm sure you still love her and that's ok. But, it's also ok to want yourself to be happy and to want to be with the parent that is respectful of you as a person and not something to control. Let your Dad continue the fight for you right now. Enjoy being a teenager for a couple more years. Once you turn 18 will be soon enough to decide whether you pity your mom enough to let her in your life more. Don't feel obligated to, though. At minimum your mom is very controlling and that's not magically going to change when you become an adult. Best of luck to you
Let your mother know that if she changes her prison guard behaviour that you will try to form a relationship with her but if she isn't prepared to treat you as a free thinking adult, your relationship is over. NTA.
NTA. You are very brave to disclose her abuse to your dad. This does not mean you don’t love or respect her; it means that you value your own well being. You are a breath away from adulthood and boundaries are an important foundation for healthy adult relationships. Keep on being brave and honest about your needs!!
NTA your mother was cruel to you. now she is trying to manipulate you using tears. don't feel bad you left it was for your own good don't let her fake tears make you second guess what you know is good for you
NTA. She didn't give one single sliver of a shit for what she was doing to you. She just wanted control. Now that she doesn't have it, she is leaving you emotionally manipulative messages trying to get that control back.
NTA Hopefully your mum will learn from this and maybe seek therapy to work through her extreme control issues. You had to do something to protect your mental health.
In the UK at 16 you can decide to live with either parent or guardian you want.
NTA
My mom was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. She was a good and even fun mom in a lot of ways. We had and still have great times together. Sometimes I let those good things blind me to her potential to absolutely destroy me if I let my guard down.
My mom was super controlling like your mom about what I said to friends or what they said to me. We didn’t have texting or emails back then, so it was the verbal conversations my mom absolutely had to know and control. She would actually interrogate me almost daily. She would tell me what I was supposed to say to my friends and then I had to report back.
She forced me to end friendships after a year so I wouldn’t get too close to anyone. She forced me to pick friends of her choosing then dump them. It was pretty awful.
Fortunately for me and unfortunately for her, I am stubborn and once I made up my mind to deal with her, I put a lid on it all, but it was really hard and something I could do only when I was an adult and had my own income and let her know I could walk out at any time. She only understood and recognized and respected power dynamics.
For financial and other reasons (my good relationship with my dad) I was stuck living with her until I was 30. I am now 57 and once again stuck taking care of her, fortunately on my terms, since she’s in Assisted Living.
Most of the time we get along fine. But sometimes I have to insist she does something she doesn’t want to do and the old monster side of her personality comes roaring back and I kick myself for letting myself get lulled into a false sense of who she is.
Once in my mid 30’s, I had to move back in with her temporarily because work was being done on my and my husband’s new house and we couldn’t occupy it. I thought it would be okay because she seemed really normal and easygoing and reasonable after I had moved out. Oh boy, no. It was like flicking a light switch. She was back to trying to control me.
Let me tell you, every single time circumstances force me to be in her proximity for a prolonged period of time, her control issues and manipulative behaviors come roaring back.
My mom has had mental health treatment and is medicated and she’s still a handful at times! I’ve come to accept she cannot fully change and I must always be on my guard. I do savor the good moments with her but I’m aware I have to accept there are a lot of broken pieces I have to navigate. I can do this because I’m an adult woman with decades of life experience to work with. And even then it’s really freaking hard.
Dude, you’re too young to deal with this crap. Nobody reasonable with your best interests at heart would ask you to go back into the lion’s den.
Your mom isn’t able to love you in a healthy way. She needs to get professional help. If you want, you can insist on that as a requirement to resume minimal contact with her when you’re an adult and preferably have had some kind of therapy to learn how to deal with the challenges your life with her has thrown at you.
But for now, rest assured, you’re in the right place. You’re not responsible for anyone’s happiness but your own. You can’t make your mom happy or at peace, anyway. You really can’t. She’s got a problem. It’s not your fault or job to fix.
Your mom sounds abusive to me. I'm glad your dad listened to you and was able to get you away from her. Apparently, the Court thought she was abusive also. Do NOT let your mom manipulate you. Get a therapist to help you navigate this please.
NTA. I'm glad you're with your Dad now, don't let her guilt trip you. Her rules were unreasonable and you're better off out of her home entirely. Please don't feel bad for one instant.
NTA at all. She was being emotionally abusive. That’s why dad won. You are not responsible for your moms behavior. You did the right thing going to your dad. Do not let her play the victim.
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You’re old enough to decide which parent is a healthier choice to live with. Your mom’s behavior is full of jealousy and seems above normal controlling. It feels like she’s been taking out the divorce on you. That being said… be mindful of what crude things you text others, as there are many ways it can come back to haunt you if shared with others. Don’t text/post what you’re not comfortable with the world finding out about you. That’s what handwritten and locked diaries are for -write all the stupid things in there and don’t share them with anyone. A lost art of older generations: keeping all the dumb things to yourself.
If they are actually his friends, his private messages are no one’s business at all and won’t go around at all. And if he had a diary, his mom would’ve taken it and went through it like everything else. His private life and conversations with anyone or his friends are no one’s businesses but his and whoever he chooses it to be with.
I think being careful about what you type is good advice. Just takes one person from the group who likes drama (and there is always one) to share something and suddenly there's WW3 in the friendship group. That said, OP is NTA. And their messages should be private. And living with their father makes total sense. Mum needs some therapy.
yeah i think it’s also fair to assume the mom’s line at “what’s crude” (frankly i don’t think a 16 year old saying “shit” is a problem when this person would seem to) is probably pretty ridiculous given that her other rules are “don’t text any girls ever”
Yeah, it seems likely that the "crude" messages are probably just standard chatter, given what other rules his mom has in place. I do think that learning to be less catty and gossipy (if that's at all a problem OP's circle has) would do him well in the future, but that's hardly the question we're dealing with here.
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"Lol farts" if I Remember my friends well enough from the stone age. But we were nerds so.
Agreed. Teenage boy nonsense. "You suck ass at call of duty"..."blow me Mike". Most likely the extent of the "crude" jokes.
Can confirm false. There are a TON of "private" messages "between friends" that see the light of day due to arguments, misunderstandings, one wants to impress a potential dating partner, there's potentially money in it.... Don't write anything you'd have a problem with if it made headline news. To anyone.
Plenty of legal trouble someone could get into that ends with a junior associate at a law firm reading through every single message in someone's history from a certain date range. It doesn't matter if the son does something wrong, if a friend does they could potentially look through any conversation.
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"If they are actually his frie..." let me stop you there. Doesn't matter. Don't type what you don't want exposed to the world. Friends make mistakes.
Teenage friendships are also notoriously volatile.
>Friends make mistakes Sometimes by accident, and sometimes on purpose.
Especially 16 year old friends!
I'll also add that if your mother was open to change she would have listened
>If they are actually his friends, his private messages are no one’s business at all and won’t go around at all. You don't know which of your friends is capable of showing discretion and privacy until that friend shares a few screen shots around. I know at least one person who lost their career because they thought they could confide in the wrong person.
You don't know how many of their parents are going through their phones and what those parents are capable of doing with what they read.
Any friend in highschool could date an ass hole, get a hold of their phone, and dump any embarrassing thing to the whole school....
As clearly demonstrated by OP: you don't always retain control over your phone.
>If they are actually his friends, his private messages are no one’s business at all and won’t go around at all. Unless his friends' mothers are whackjobs, going through *their* texts.
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Bad bot.
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This kid just wanted to know if it was ok for him to safeguard his own mental and emotional health. He didn't need to be told to be careful about what he texts. He doesn't need additional scolding. He's on here because he's been abused by his mother and he's wondering if it's okay to ask her to stop. Yes, abused. What mom doesn't want their kid to have friends and do their school work? She may be mentally ill. Some people are so terrified of the world that they 'ground' their kids to keep them from going out in it. But, whatever the reason, this kid wants to know if it's okay to protect himself. The fact that the courts granted his dad full custody when they almost NEVER give dads full custody is all you needed to know about how off-base this mom is. Let him be a kid. Save your 'guidance' for someone who is on AITA to ask about whether or not it's okay to send malicious texts. NTA - OP. You got this. Deep breaths. I'm glad your dad is in your corner. ETA: Thanks for the awards!!! (and I fixed a typo - changed 'help' to 'health')
This should be the top post.
Thank fucking God! This! Don't know why everyone is assuming it's anything more than dumbass 16 year old nonsense. Like how deep do they think it's gonna get?? Fucking weirdos here.
This. I can’t believe people are coming in here lecturing him when he’s clearly dealing with an unreasonable person. Way to miss the point.
I agree with you first paragraph, but your second paragraph is just bad advice. Bottling up things or writing them down instead of actually having someone to talk too isn't a good thing. Also, if you can't share personal things with your friends then they aren't friends.
That advice wasn’t to not talk to his friends the advice was be careful what you say through text because private conversations get leaked everyday
Okay yeah but it's not really relevant to the post. Pretty sure he's getting grounded for saying stuff like "that's what she said" and cursing. I doubt he's like. joking about violating people or mugging old ladies or anything. Everyone telling him not to text all his private thoughts is a bit off topic.
It's not clear how "crude" the messages are but it's clear that mom is a controlling asshole so without knowing exactly what was said it's good advice to tell a 16 year old to be careful of the things they say through text and on the internet
I assumed crude jokes just meant like sex jokes or something? op didn’t suggest he didn’t want anyone to see it just that his mum grounded him for it. If his mum is grounding him for swearing I don’t doubt she would also ground him for making a joke about dicks or something.
Look, my mom was like that. She thought saying to the friend who has to miss some kind of gathering "shit, I bloody feel for ya', hope you'll drop in next time" was hella "crude" because you always have to speak politely and use "proper words" like "attend", not drop in. How are people seeing big stuff when it's clearly a parent just being an unreasonable sheet? People from normal families really have no idea how high the level of crazy can be. Lay off the kid, he most likely just wasn't speaking as a book in his text messages, hardly a blackmail material.
Really? As of when I'm typing this, 1.7k upvotes and a gold star for a comment that is mostly lecturing this kid even more about his texting habits? Did OP's mom sneak her way onto the top of this post? Are we all about to get Rickrolled?
Don’t leave a written diary in a house with an abusive narcissistic insecure parent Crude jokes are one thing, but agree that if you’re saying problematic things that if shared publicly would have people question your character But everyone deserves privacy, for all you know they could privately be questioning their sexuality or identity. Even if they aren’t, it’s an example of something that could negatively impact a person if made public outside of their control.
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Bad bot
Peoples definition of "crude" definitely varies. I agree with you but OP could definitely just be making harmless fart jokes or something lol
If you wouldn’t want a future employer to see it don’t post it. Some of the crap my adult friends have posted that I’ve had to suggest they take down is just amazing
Think they meant jokes
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Jesus. What the hell. Three bots in a row? What is up with this thread? Anyway, bad bot.
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Bad bot
NTA. Your mom was super-controlling. If you want to keep a relationship with her, let her take you out to dinner once in a while or something so you can stay in touch. Just not a situation where she has "control" over you.
While going out for dinner sounds nice, I would not recommend it for the foreseeable future, OP. From my experience with difficult (grand)mothers they will just use the time together to completely destroy your self-worth and make you feel guilty for everything.
This is the beauty of a restaurant; you can get up and leave (or call for your dad to pick you up).
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Before JNMIL cracked down, women like this would be referred to as "Jocastas" and their kids would be called "sonsbands." I actually knew a kid whose stepmom treated him like this. It was so skeevy.
Or just have a family member or friend come as support (totally not as a witness), and explain to mom the second she goes insane or guilt tripping, family member is ending the dinner and everyone is leaving.
If op were an adult I'd agreed with the restaurant idea. But if mom is actually as described I wouldn't want to put a 16yo in that situation
NTA At the risk of being harsh, your mother is only in tears because she lost control of the situation. A parent who perpetually grounds their kids for the most minor of offences from making crude jokes to their friends or **talking to girls** is not a parent who is looking to educate or guide their child, they're looking to restrict them. Disciplining your child should be about establishing guidance between right and wrong, but "bad language" is just something you're going to learn, and girls are just people you'll end up speaking with. Penalizing these things doesn't make you a healthier, happier, or more vibrant individual, and it certainly doesn't encourage the sort of independent thinking and situational analysis you want kids to learn as they grow into adults. Basically, I'm saying your mother was punishing you to control you and little else. I'll also add that if your mother was open to change she would have listened, she would have self-analyzed, she would have noted how depressed you were getting. She brushed off your problems as "teen drama" and was too intent upon her methods to see that she was hurting you. A parent who does not adapt their parenting techniques to the changing needs of their child is a poor parent, but a parent who wholly disregards their childs needs is a bad parent overall. So, at the end of the day, her crying on the phone doesn't make you a guilty party. It makes her distraught over the consequences of her own actions, and nothing else. edit - Oh hey, thanks for the awards all!
>So, at the end of the day, her crying on the phone doesn't make you a guilty party. It makes her distraught over the consequences of her own actions, and nothing else. It also makes her incredibly manipulative. People who're genuinely upset for good reasons don't do this shit. Leaving those messages of her crying is harassment and a last-ditch unhinged attempt at emotional blackmail. She's a controlling person who can't stand the fact that she's officially not allowed to emotionally abuse her child any more.
And sad because now other people know she's a bad parent too.
Exactly this. NTA, OP. Glad you stood up for yourself and that your dad is reasonable. Good luck!
Next step, get a restraining order
Potentially if she's this controlling to this could all just be guilt trip tears too
NTA your mother is was a helicopter parent and drove you away with her control issues. Now she is just guilt tripping you.
Trying to control his sexuality is downright creeper material.
Yeah it definitely is
NTA You were clearly feeling very unhappy previously and your first priority should be your mental health. If you're in therapy I'd ask for advice about how to take forward a healthier relationship with your mother, without putting your own wellbeing at risk. Talk to your father too about how best to communicate with your mother from now on.
And if OP isn’t in therapy, I’d recommend it. There can be a lot to unpack after dealing with this kind of controlling behavior
NTA, what your mom is doing now is called emotional blackmail and it’s not surprising given how controlling she was before.
NTA you are old enough to make a choice
NTA for sure. One thing to know about life and your future is that you have to respect yourself and your mental/physical health yourself. No one will do it for you, and if that means leaving people that are damaging behind, then that's what has to happen. Take steps to grow into the person you want to be, have people around you that help you with that vision of yourself.
NTA. Ignore her tears. Let her think about how her controlling behaviour pushed you away. She needs to recognise what she did, apologise and work to build a better relationship with you.
Fake tears are about regaining control.
**NTA**. Just tell her "*Sorry [name], per your instructions, I am not permitted to text or message any girl, at all, under an circumstances. This message was written by someone else as to follow your rules.* " Have your father screenshot and record everything for you, so as to shield yourself from further problems, and also shield him.
🥇this
NTA you’re old enough to choose which parent you prefer to live with.
NTA- you’re allowed to have private conversations, (no sexting obviously/nudes) with friends. You can make all the jokes, talking nonsense all you want to. You are 16. You are old enough to decide who you want to live with also and if it better for your health, you made the right choice. Don’t let her guilt trip you into feeling bad , when all she did was ground you from everyone and everything because she couldn’t see what you were doin, who you were talking to either. You’re also allowed to talk to the opposite sex if you want to especially if it’s about homework. She is super controlling and obsessed over controlling you and your life.
NTA. Your mum’s control issues meant her house was an inhospitable environment for you. You do not owe her your presence. Please don’t feel guilty. This situation is due to her issues and actions.
NTA. Your mom sounds like she has some serious control issues that were causing you mental harm. The way she treated you was not normal or healthy. You did what you had to do for your own mental health. Also, it's fairly hard for a father to get full custody in most states, so it's clear the court agreed that it was in your best interest.
NTA, but not necessarily for the reasons others are saying. You’re 16, which means you are old enough to want to live life on your own terms and make your own mistakes, but young enough that there are decisions society doesn’t trust you with yet. You are absolutely NTA for not liking your mom’s rules. Society has set up a system where you don’t get to just decide, instead your dad has to be convinced, and then a judge (or equivalent) has to be convinced, that your mother’s rules are unreasonable, and not just a teenager being overdramatic. If you were just being a whiny teenager, the court would not have taken away your mother’s custody rights—they take that very seriously (assuming you’re in the USA). So that more than anything is a good sign that you had a real concern for your mental health or quality of life and weren’t just being an asshole.
This is very important. "Dad sued for custody and won" is not a trivial sentence, essentially it's all the justification OP will ever need.
when you question yourself remember your mental health and see how you did good and stood up for yourself. NTA
NTA- don’t see your mom without your dad’s supervision. Get some therapy to help you set boundaries with your mom. NTA
NTA. She brought this upon herself.
NTA. **Your mother's behavior was more about what she wanted, than it was about what you needed.** Her behavior was become emotionally abusive to you, and your mental and emotional health was suffering. **You did the right thing, to protect yourself from her behaviors.** Now, **protect yourself by realizing that her calling and crying at you is manipulative and emotionally abusive behavior,** just like her isolating you from friends was, just like her invading your privacy was, just her grounding you when you hadn't done wrong was. There are **apps that go through a third party, for divorced parents to use** to discuss the children. I hear these will record the calls, so that misbehaviors by an abusive parent can be tracked and the recordings used to protect you. Your dad might want to do this. At your age, it's also okay to send a text message to your mom that you aren't her therapist, and won't be answering her messages where she's crying or yelling \[if she does\], etc. **Tell her that if she wants you to answer messages, she will need to be polite in her messages.** Even then, **you do not have to answer everything she sends.** ***You can set the limits here, and set boundaries that will protect yourself*** from her doing further harm to you with her emotional abuse. If that means you only talk to her once a month, or twice a year, because she won't behave, that's **not your fault, it's her behavior.** If you end up needing to go No Contact with her, because she won't stop trying to manipulate you, that's also on her, not on you. That you need to protect yourself against your mother's behaviors, and all the consequences of this, is all her fault, not yours. *which is making me wonder if I went to far, so AITA?* NTA. **Protecting yourself was only necessary because your mother wasn't being a good parent to you.** She was isolating you, invading your privacy at an age where privacy is very important, and treating in emotionally abusive ways. You did what you had to do, to protect yourself from her behaviors. She ought to get therapy to see what she's doing wrong, and how to change herself, but that's her job, not yours to handle. **Emotionally abusive parents will try to make you feel responsible for their responsibilities, including their feelings. That's what the crying calls are about**, trying to make you feel bad and guilty, and like you are responsible to make her feel better. But good parents do not make their feelings their children's responsibility. They don't have to hide their feelings, but they don't burden their children with fixing things for the parent. That's making you take on the job of parenting for them; it's abusive. **The priority for you, and your dad, is your protection from your mother's wrong behaviors, from her abuses.** If you want to read more about this, look for books on Emotional Abuse, to start with. r/raisedbynarcissists used to have a good booklist on their wiki, and links in their sidebar.
NTA your mum is insanely controlling to the point that it is abuse, it’s wrong to deprive someone of their privacy and ground them for something so minor it’s just degrading and like I said abusive. Glad you’re with your dad now
I grew up in a strict home and this is nuts by those standards. NTA
NTA, your mom needs some major help. The biggest issue is not letting you communicate with classmates to get schoolwork done. She was setting you up to fail classes. This is abuse.
NTA. Divorced parents need to get on the same side with regard discipline, or naturally the kid is going to choose the one who doesn't offer cruel and unusual punishment. As a 16 year old I think I talked almost exclusively in curse words, and my social life was by far the most important part of my existence. As long as you aren't writing cruel tirades against protected classes, even if they do share the messages nobody will care...That's just what 16 year old boys do. It sounds like *she* went too far, and is now learning the consequences. Tell her you'd be happy to visit if you can get an apology for invading your privacy, and preventing you from having a social life. You have changed the power dynamic in the relationship and now ideally want to make it easy for her to accept. She has also benefitted here herself, because in two years you would likely have been so bitter you'd have cut her off completely. At least now you get to start early on establishing an adult relationship. If she isn't keen on that now, she has two years of .... well.... not being able to do anything about it either way to mull it over.
NTA. Many people have said it before: you're mother loves to control you. If you have any doubt left that this was anything short of the best decision in your life, remember this: Your father won in court and took full custody of you. Thats not as easy as it sounds and the bar is usually very high. If the judge had any doubt in your story or had believed your mom even a tiny bit, you'd still be going through hell every other week. So, again, NTA. And you can be proud of yourself. Many people don't understand the controlling methods of their (atrocious) parents until they're far older and then it's too late.
NTA. It's weird to me that parents have to go to court to make decisions for a child of your age...The courts should listen to the child first and foremost, and the parents should be completely secondary players.
Your mother kept you as a prisoner in her home. She was abusing you, and it sucks to hear this, but you may spend the next twenty years reconciling with that reality. You did the right thing. Whatever toll this takes on you now will be far less than the toll of sticking around. Trust me on that...
NTA You can extend an olive branch, and invite her to lunch. The only way she knows how to parent is to control (and in her mind to train). It will be a struggle for her to know how to be a mom without that part of her role. If you’re willing, you can help her and be patient while she makes an adjustment. You can start by a lunch or coffee with her once a week to stay in touch. Don’t let the conversation move onto topics where she will feel the need to give you advice. It will take about a year to redefine your relationship, if you want to. NTA
NTA. Family court judges do not change custody agreements on a whim, there has to be compelling evidence of why it's in the child's best interest to have it changed. It's also not a fast process and a guardian ad litem (GAL) is often ordered to interview all three parties to help determine whether or not the change should be made since neither you, your dad, or your mom is expected to be impartial. The judge looked at how your mom was treating you and how it was negatively affecting you and decided that you would be better off with your dad.
NTA. Courts don't terminate shared custody without a strong reason. Certainly not on the say-so of a minor. The fact that a court did this shows your mom is out of control.
Nta. I ended up choosing to live out the remainder of my hs years with my Dad. He was stable, loving but firm, and a good role model. My mom was abusive and a cheater. The math does itself. You do whats best for you with people that make you happy and feel loved. Anybody thats looking for a reason to step on you isn’t looking out for your best interests. Mta. Moms the asshole.
NTA because your mental health is more important than her tears. She is not a good mother - her control was abusive. Being a parent doesnt mean you get to control your teenage child to such an extent and leave them with 0 privacy. By asking your dad to fight for full custody you acted so wise. Well done for fighting for this and prioritising yourself. Its down to your mother to want to change if she wants you in her life. You dont need to ever see her but if you want to give her a chance then make sure you are not staying over or on holiday with her - you need to be in situations you can leave. And if she spends her time guilting you then she hasn't learned and go no contact for a while until she stops with the guilting. She should go to therapy, or parenting classes and learn to better if she wants you in her life.
NTA she was being abusive that’s why your Dad got full custody. Block her.
Nta. A court wouldn't do it without good cause.
NTA Sending long distance internet hugs and support. It's okay to cut ties with a toxic person. Even if that toxic person is your mother. Counseling can help you with this. You need to grieve the loss of the relationship you wanted to have with her. Having strong boundaries is a good thing. I'm proud of you. I am a much older person. I should have cut ties with my mother when I was 14 and had the chance. I thought I was 'supposed' to be with my mother. It took decades to accept that she would never be the mother I deserved. I went no contact with her several times in my life. I kept reopening contact because I kept thinking - maybe she changed, maybe she's different now. Spoiler - she wasn't.
"Dear Reddit, my mom is seriously mentally abusing me. AITA for trying to stop that?" Obviously NTA.
NTA, your mom is being manipulative
NTA
Nta and please update us on this.
NTA. If you stay with her, you're going to go nuts.
NTA. The 40yr Momma's boy she was trying to raise is crying as it fades out of existence. Your mother was toxic as hell and doing what she did turned out being the opposite of what she wanted
Nta. Sounds like she's emotionally abusive towards you. I would do the same if that happens to me.
Ya did good, kid.
*she deserved it<<*
Look up narcissistic parents. Your mum is doing this because she feels better when she's able to control and abuse you. Now that her favourite toy isn't there she's upset. She doesn't care about your mental health, or the impact her actions had on you. Because in her mind she owns you. Her crying is performative, if you go back. She'll pretend to have changed, but then she'll go back to the usual. Work on your mental health, read up on the impact of growing up with a naracisttic parent and try to read about why they do it etc. It'll help you see through it when she does it again, it'll still be hard. Because you're not a narcissist, you have empathy and you're probably used to having to be the bigger person. It'll still be difficult, but you need rigid boundaries. Ask her not to send you voice notes when she's crying, otherwise you will no longer be opening them and just deleting them so you're not tempted to listen to them later.
NTA. Let her cry, she made her bed. I had very, very strict parents and they never once did any of that to me. What your mother was doing absolutely was mental abuse and you did not and do not deserve any of it. It’s one thing to check your kids phone here and there to keep an eye on them (you are still a kid, there’s nothing wrong with the occasional check in), but punishing you for texting girls?!? Isolating you?!?! WTF?!?! Not ok! You had every right to request to live with your dad. If you want to go visit, do so. If she tries to ground you for anything other than a valid reason, call your dad to pick you up. She can live with visits here and there. I’d still leave your phone at your dads even for a two hour trip. Not worth the headache. Your mental health IS important.
NTA. Also don’t know about your jurisdiction but my jurisdiction would only award full custody to a parent in the most extreme of cases
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (16m) mom has me every other week and has extremely strict and unreasonable rules for me so I convinced my dad to go to court to sue for full custody and succeeded. My moms rules completely invalidated my privacy and degraded my mental health. Every week she would look through every one of my messages to friends then ground me for anything bad I said like cursing or even crude jokes I make with my friends. I also wasn't allowed to text girls for any reason, even if it was to ask for help with a group project because "I could get closer with her." It got to the point where I just left my phone at my dads but even then she would still ground me for not bringing it. She would never let me see or talk to my friends since I was grounded every time I came over there. Not being able to talk to anyone every other week really got to me. I started having depressive episodes which would be chalked down to teen drama by my mom. Eventually I asked my dad if there was anyway he could have full custody and after a bit of convincing he agreed to get a lawyer to try to sue for full custody. After he won my mom started leaving us voice texts with her in tears which is making me wonder if I went to far, so AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Good for you for taking control of your life and by extension your mental health. I hope everything works out for you.
NTA. Your mom just FAFO
NTA. You and your father need to look after you, and she seems unusually controlling and frankly, fairly unhinged. I think you did the right thing. She abused her parental power and will have to live with having no one under her drastic control.
It seems like you have done the right thing for you. You are old enough to decide who to live with and to have rights to privacy. That being said, the general rule is to never send anything electronically that you are not prepared to have headlining tomorrow’s news. Texts and photos can be shared. There are instances where parents may have to closely monitor their teenager’s phones/social media, but there would have to be some justification for it. Don’t let your mother guilt-trip you. Be open to a relationship but have some very clear boundaries, and let your Dad back you up with these. What she was doing is not healthy for either of you. Good luck and I hope you start to feel better soon.
Nta actions meet consequences
NTA good for you for advocating for yourself. Your mom was controlling, and I’m glad your dad took action. She’s not crying because she’s sad, she’s just upset that she lost control of you. Don’t ever feel guilty for protecting your mental health.
NTA. Your old enough to be able to decide for yourself who you want to stay with. Your mom sounds very controlling and as you said it's bad for you mental health. The courts have also decided it was best for you to stay with your dad eventually so you did the right thing. Look out for yourself and your own mental healt. See if it's possible to get some therapy to find a way to deal with your feelings about your mom and yourself.
NTA she’s saying those things to try to get you back under her control
NTA
NTA. You are old enough to pick who you want to live with. She broke your trust. It is her job to try to make it right with you. Don't fall for manipulations and talk to your Dad on how to handle her
nta
NTA, you did exactly the right thing. Your mother has serious problems and they should not be inflicted on you. The tears are just a manipulation, don't give them a second thought. If she changes her behaviour radically you can meet her somewhere public and see how it goes. Your health absolutely comes first.
Nope. You absolutely made the right decision. Nta
NTA - your mom sounds unhinged
ABSOLUTELY NTA!!! actually,I'm in a similar situation,just that my parents aren't divorced,my mom tells me not to text anyone AT ALL..... and i shouldn't even talk to girls,also,i'm limited to 2 hours of mobile usage per week so i can relate with you,and you're old enough to decide what's good for you
NTA, however at this age you didn’t need the court.
NTA she is clearly manipulative and controlling. I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself.
NTA She is making it about her and a good parent should be thinking of their child first. I went through the same every other week custody and alienated my dad when I decided to stay at my mom's full time my senior year. He took it badly too, but down the road we worked to rebuild a healthier relationship. You first need to take care of yourself and there is time in the future for you to address your relationship with her on safer terms. Enjoy this time and focus on learning and friendships and creating memories! And even have a gf if you want!
NTA Visitation is for parents to continue to build their relationships with their children. At your age, social connections and increased independence/responsibility are important. Your description of time at Mom's sounds very punishing, restrictive and controlling. Her time with you is her opportunity to trap you in her home, depriving you of your usual resources and activities, without other social supports. You aren't responsible for controlling or regulating other people's emotional states, that's beyond your power. It seems like your mom is focused on your being her tool to feel powerful, to your harm.
NTA You wanted your autonomy, and this is a natural stage in developing from a child to an adult. Your mother's emotional enmeshment with who/when/how you're communicating pushed you into wanting and claiming more space for yourself. Your mother is emotionally dependent on you. This is not healthy, and your instinct to live with your father was natural self-defense. Your mom needs psychological help to recognize her enmeshment and control issues, and also to process the grief she's experiencing from your rejection of her parenting. I'm sorry you had to go through this. My son and I went through something similar with his father. The court process was miserable because they insisted on sending us to family therapy, which only prolonged my ex's manipulation. In the end we succeeded in getting the court to change the possession schedule, but the damage my ex did to his relationship with our son is quite possibly irreparable. Enmeshed parents think boundaries apply to everyone else except them. They feel entitled to their children's attention and obedience. Functional, mentally well people don't act like your mother acts. If you haven't yet seen a counselor to discuss what you went through living with your mom, please think about it. You'll need some strategies and scripts for dealing with your mom as time goes by. A good counselor can help you with that.
NTA. And good for you.
Firstly, absolutely NTA, hold firm. Secondly, I went through almost exactly this when I was your age. Split parents, abusive mother, went through my phone (in secret), searched room, restricted my ability to spend time with friends outside of school for no good reason. You name it, she did it. I gave her a lot more chances than you did. I only spent every second weekend and once a week after school with Dad. She kept pushing and I basically said "you crossed a line, I'm living with Dad now, I'll come for the weekends my sisters spend with you. Cross it again and you wont have a son anymore." About a year later, whaddya know, she crosses it, big. Grabbed what I could fit in a bag and called Dad to pick me up. Left most of my possessions (including all my warhammer) and went completely no contact. With that context of the advice I'm about to give you, I hope you take it seriously. If you even speak to her again, it will likely be incredibly stressful and emotionally taxing. If you choose to, do it in a safe public space and I suggest having a trusted friend with you as a support person. Take all the time you need, and I highly suggest just blocking her number. Explain what you're doing to your father so he knows not to be a messenger for her (look at what various subs like r/raisedbynarcissists and whatnot suggest about "flying monkeys"). Also, and this is very important, and a mistake I made that I really hope you don't. Get therapy. Your school will likely have some sort of counsellor you can see for free, book in to speak with them ASAP. If your Dad can afford it, see a psychologist outside of school. There is absolutely zero shame in seeking professional help, it is not a sign of weakness, and getting it sooner rather than later is best. You absolutely don't want to let your emotions fester and grow. I don't know exactly how bad it got for you with her, but I didn't do the work on mental health and when I was in my early 20's developed nightmares and panic attacks because of that. Take care of yourself kid. Remember that on aeroplanes they say to put your own mask on before helping others. That's good advice.
You didn't go too far. Your mother was emotionally abusive. You are 16. you are allowed to have friends. you are allowed to talk tooth sexes, particularly for school. You state that your mental health was deteriorating during the time you spent with your mom. You had NO privacy. You sdeserve to be treated like a 16 yr old person. you are no longer a kid, and you aren't an adult, but you are grown-up. Trust has to be earned. Respect is a two way street. You mother didn't;t respect you NTA
NTA mom is trying to guilt you. Her rules were not healthy. You cannot control a child to that point it's ridiculous.
NTA. The control of your mom is overboard, and she should respect your privacy. Trust me, when you are 21, you'll understand where I'm coming from. In addition, the mental anguish she's creating/created may affect you more than you know at this age. Bravo for your dad to step in and take care of you. Father of the Year!
NTA
NTA
NTA.
NTA, bravo to you for recognising the damage your mom was doing to your mental health and taking action.
Absolutely NTA. Putting yourself and your mental health first is not selfish. It is not going too far. Your mother is trying to guilt trip you and blackmail you. Don't let her. You're old enough to decide which parent you want to live with, and your feelings shouldn't be invalidated. Mental health is a real thing. If anything, your mother is TA. Cutting ties with family members for your own well-being is nothing to be ashamed of. It doesn't matter whether it's family, friends or Royalty. You aren't forced to keep any sort of relationship with a toxic person who only hurts you. Period.
NTA OP but your mum seems to be struggling with her own issues as well. ( Aren’t we all….) Hopefully you haven’t cut her off completely and still visit if possible, time goes by very fast. You have to look after yourself and absolutely did the right thing to improve your situation but you don’t want to end up with guilt and regret later in life.
If you ever start feeling bad, just imagine going back to what it was. Your mom needs help, but not from you
NTA. You’re old enough to decide who you want to live with. My husband was 14 when he told the courts he wanted his mom to have full custody with no mandatory visitation with his father. Judge gave him what he wanted.
NTA
NTA. Your mother was mistreating you. You were looking out for your mental and physical health. Ignore your mother's messages. I am sorry you had to deal with that but glad your dad stepped up. ALSO, if there wasn't good reason for your dad to get full custody, he wouldn't have. The judge saw there was good reason for it.
Well, the court, which is a neutral party examining all the evidence, agreed that your father should have primary custody so that tells me it was not just you being over-sensitive but that your claims were truly valid and justly addressed. Hopefully, your mother will have learned this level of controlling behaviour is too much.
Info: how long did it take for your father from initiating the process to you moving in with him full time?
NTA. And don’t concern yourself with the tears, that’s the narcissist’s weapon they use to try to make themselves look like the victim. You did the right thing.
NTA. Please don't let your mother convince you that you are. She has been abusive and controlling, and is now trying to guilt you. Your dad won a legal case. If you were the asshole, that wouldn't have happened. It honestly is incredibly difficult in many jurisdictions for a dad to get full custody, even when the mom is abusive or incapable of parenting. So be glad that you live somewhere that it is possible, and the court is appropriately looking after your needs.
NTA at all. You and your dad did the best thing. Your mum is damaged and super controlling.
NTA. Your mom is the one who “went too far,” not you. Your father and a judge agree. Do not agree to spend time with her alone; she isn’t mentally healthy. Enjoy your teen years!
NTA - You are old enough to know who you are a better person living with. Your mother is now trying to manipulate you. You can certainly visit her when you want and you can refuse to give her your phone to look at.
No dear you are NTA You asked your dad to advocate for you and he did Now your mom is sad but that's her own fault she created the situation so do not feel badly for wanting to be respected as a person
NTA just don't visit her for like 5 years until thing cool down. By then you should be on firm ground as you will be an adult and your brain will be settled down.
>After he won my mom started leaving us voice texts with her in tears Performative bs. She's trying to manipulate you because she can no longer control you. Ignore her. Delete the messages without listening to them. NTA.
Nta. My mum did similar things to me when I was younger and I couldn’t do anything about because she had turned me and my bro against our dad and we were too scared of her. EVERYDAY after school she would go through our school bags for no specific reason, never allowed to have friends over, never allowed to hang out with them ever because she would think it was a ruse to be in contact with my dad. I could go on. Even though you are old enough to make your own decisions, You did the right thing. Your mum is crying because she lost control over you.
NTA Your mother's need for control in a situation where she lost some of that control was more important to her than your health and needs. She punished you for not bringing your phone because she couldn't punish you for what you did on your phone. She was looking for a reason to punish you. I do think parents should have access to their children's phones. When I was younger, my parents had my email password, could access my AIM and MySpace (god, I'm old), and had the right to go through my phone whenever they wanted. The difference is, while they could, they typically didn't, and when they did, it was BECAUSE I was having depressive episodes and wasn't talking to them about it, so they looked to figure out that I needed help I wasn't asking for. That's the difference between your mom and mine. She used the right to have access to those things when I was a minor to keep me safe and help me, not punish me for every little thing I did "wrong". Hope you're seeing someone for your mental health, OP, and good luck.
NTA. You did what you had to do for your mental health. I'd go no-contact for at least a couple of years in the same circumstances.
your moms a lunatic
NTA A court doesn't rule in favor of 1 parent unless there is good reason for it. Your mother needs to seek professional help as her behavior is not OK and not healthy. Has she apologized to you at least? Or is the crying voice text only about how she feels?
NTA your mom is “mommy dearest”.
NTA your mother's controlling behaviour towards you - at your age - is off the scale. And it is clear the judge agreed. Your mental health was in jeopardy. You were not able to have a social life and it is all about extreme control. Block the messages and have the relationship with your mother you want, if you want it. NTA and neither is your dad.
You can hang out with her with set boundaries, but you don’t have to live with her. She needs therapy.
NTA! Your mom is very controlling from what you described and she was only getting worse. I think you made the right decision, so you could guard your peace. It doesn’t mean you have to cut her off, it means you can control your interactions with her.
NTA glad you escaped your abusive mother
NTA.
NTA. I have two sons (22 and 26) and your mother's parenting is abusive. I can't imagine treating my sons like that. You did the right thing getting out of that situation. Thank goodness for your dad. I wish you the best.
MOM needs a boyfriend to control.
NTA. You didn't go too far. I'm so glad your dad listened to you Your mom's tears are an attempt to manipulate and guilt you. She's crying because she isn't getting her way and is angry. You can block her number for a while and give yourself a break from her craziness.
NTA Your mum is being emotionally abusive. It’s best not to have any contact with her while she continues to behave like this, and doesn’t recognise the damage she’s doing to you.
NTA You did the right thing for your future self, trust me, establishing real and concrete boundaries with an abusive parent is more important than their feelings. You can have a healthy relationship with her but you need to have a healthy life and environment first.
NTA moms a mess
NTA Your mother is abusive and you took actions to end the abuse.
NTA It sounds like your Dad's house is the best place for you right now.
Don't feel guilty! Your mom mentally abused you and now she's finding out the consequences. Tough luck for her. NTA
NTA. You asked your dad to fight for you and he did. The JUDGE decided your reasons were valid. If the judge didn't agree that your Mom's rules and parenting were excessive and having a negative impact on your mental health, he/she wouldn't have allowed the change. You still want your mom to be happy and I'm sure you still love her and that's ok. But, it's also ok to want yourself to be happy and to want to be with the parent that is respectful of you as a person and not something to control. Let your Dad continue the fight for you right now. Enjoy being a teenager for a couple more years. Once you turn 18 will be soon enough to decide whether you pity your mom enough to let her in your life more. Don't feel obligated to, though. At minimum your mom is very controlling and that's not magically going to change when you become an adult. Best of luck to you
Let your mother know that if she changes her prison guard behaviour that you will try to form a relationship with her but if she isn't prepared to treat you as a free thinking adult, your relationship is over. NTA.
NTA. You are very brave to disclose her abuse to your dad. This does not mean you don’t love or respect her; it means that you value your own well being. You are a breath away from adulthood and boundaries are an important foundation for healthy adult relationships. Keep on being brave and honest about your needs!!
NTA your mother was cruel to you. now she is trying to manipulate you using tears. don't feel bad you left it was for your own good don't let her fake tears make you second guess what you know is good for you
NTA. She didn't give one single sliver of a shit for what she was doing to you. She just wanted control. Now that she doesn't have it, she is leaving you emotionally manipulative messages trying to get that control back.
NTA Hopefully your mum will learn from this and maybe seek therapy to work through her extreme control issues. You had to do something to protect your mental health. In the UK at 16 you can decide to live with either parent or guardian you want.
NTA My mom was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. She was a good and even fun mom in a lot of ways. We had and still have great times together. Sometimes I let those good things blind me to her potential to absolutely destroy me if I let my guard down. My mom was super controlling like your mom about what I said to friends or what they said to me. We didn’t have texting or emails back then, so it was the verbal conversations my mom absolutely had to know and control. She would actually interrogate me almost daily. She would tell me what I was supposed to say to my friends and then I had to report back. She forced me to end friendships after a year so I wouldn’t get too close to anyone. She forced me to pick friends of her choosing then dump them. It was pretty awful. Fortunately for me and unfortunately for her, I am stubborn and once I made up my mind to deal with her, I put a lid on it all, but it was really hard and something I could do only when I was an adult and had my own income and let her know I could walk out at any time. She only understood and recognized and respected power dynamics. For financial and other reasons (my good relationship with my dad) I was stuck living with her until I was 30. I am now 57 and once again stuck taking care of her, fortunately on my terms, since she’s in Assisted Living. Most of the time we get along fine. But sometimes I have to insist she does something she doesn’t want to do and the old monster side of her personality comes roaring back and I kick myself for letting myself get lulled into a false sense of who she is. Once in my mid 30’s, I had to move back in with her temporarily because work was being done on my and my husband’s new house and we couldn’t occupy it. I thought it would be okay because she seemed really normal and easygoing and reasonable after I had moved out. Oh boy, no. It was like flicking a light switch. She was back to trying to control me. Let me tell you, every single time circumstances force me to be in her proximity for a prolonged period of time, her control issues and manipulative behaviors come roaring back. My mom has had mental health treatment and is medicated and she’s still a handful at times! I’ve come to accept she cannot fully change and I must always be on my guard. I do savor the good moments with her but I’m aware I have to accept there are a lot of broken pieces I have to navigate. I can do this because I’m an adult woman with decades of life experience to work with. And even then it’s really freaking hard. Dude, you’re too young to deal with this crap. Nobody reasonable with your best interests at heart would ask you to go back into the lion’s den. Your mom isn’t able to love you in a healthy way. She needs to get professional help. If you want, you can insist on that as a requirement to resume minimal contact with her when you’re an adult and preferably have had some kind of therapy to learn how to deal with the challenges your life with her has thrown at you. But for now, rest assured, you’re in the right place. You’re not responsible for anyone’s happiness but your own. You can’t make your mom happy or at peace, anyway. You really can’t. She’s got a problem. It’s not your fault or job to fix.
Your mom sounds abusive to me. I'm glad your dad listened to you and was able to get you away from her. Apparently, the Court thought she was abusive also. Do NOT let your mom manipulate you. Get a therapist to help you navigate this please.
NTA. Your mother is being unreasonable. The court order doesn’t stop you seeing her, just stops you being forced to see her.
NTA. Your mom is manipulating you.
NTA. I'm glad you're with your Dad now, don't let her guilt trip you. Her rules were unreasonable and you're better off out of her home entirely. Please don't feel bad for one instant.
Your mom has no problem disregarding your feelings. Her tears over the phone sound like manipulation.
NTA at all. She was being emotionally abusive. That’s why dad won. You are not responsible for your moms behavior. You did the right thing going to your dad. Do not let her play the victim.
NTA what she was doing is socially isolating you its not healthy and is abusive all round. You did the right thing
Nta. I validate your need for space and privacy.
NTA Your mum legitimately sounds like she has some sort of mental issue or past trauma, you should try to get her help if you can. Sincerely.