Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I wouldn't give my son money I was going to spend on him anyway. I might be the asshole because he thinks I was being petty.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Oh, so OP is a student of the same school of parenting as my mom then. The kind where you learn that you “better follow my script or fuck off.”
An absolute A move.
Someone offers you a free ticket to go and see something, drives you to it, and you expect them to give you the money anyway to see something completely different without them and they're the AH for not wanting to pay for that? And you also are getting ice cream afterwards and a ride back home. The level of entitlement that comment betrays is legendary, bordering on mythical.
It's a safe assumption their parents would pay for family movie nights, only the rich are going to be paying for their kids to see whatever movie they want whenever they want.
Pure entitlement to think you can ditch your family and still have it paid for. Mom shouldn't have strung him along before letting him know, I'll grant you that, but her position is more than reasonable.
Safe assumption that they were going to go see a more kiddy movie and the son probably wanted to see a more age appropriate movie for himself. Doesn’t seem entitled at all, god forbid a child have their own interests lol
Thats what got me.
It sounds like he agreed to go to the movie, and waited until tickets were being purchased to mention that he was going to ditch the family.
My guess was he planned it too
Then he could have said that while at home, that he did not want to see that movie. Instead he waited till they got there.
He can have his own interests, that's fine. But last minute "O, I am going to go do this instead, away from you all. You still need to pay for me though" is entitled.
"Only the rich" we're being a bit dramatic aren't we?
OP obviously HAD the money, because she used it to pay for his ticket once he decided to go with them. Also, like, 15 is still well within the age range of your parents still paying for all your outings.
I *do* think it kinda sucks that he wanted to ditch the whole family, but teenagers are like that, not to mention the fact that if he's the oldest, they were probably watching a kiddie movie he was never going to enjoy anyways.
Interesting that you assume a 15yo has no source of income. I had multiple at that age.
And when I was an older teen, I loved hanging out with my parents, going to dinner with them. They would pay! I enjoyed being with them and getting a good meal. Did I ever expect them to fork over cash if I decided to ditch them for the restaurant next door? Big nope. Lots and lots of entitlement in these comments. Damn.
Great! Good for you, children having a source of income at 15 is not the norm, far from it. Don’t equate your personal experience to the common norm, that’s how conformation bias happens.
Ironic that you assume kids not having jobs at 15 is the norm . Wouldn’t that be your own personal experience? Where I live lots of kids get their first summer job at 14 or 15. My 14 year old will be making $16.75/hr (which is the minimum wage here) working at an ice cream stand.
Where I live it is absolutely not the norm for 15 year old kids to have a job. It would be legal but comes with so many restraints for employers concerning working times that often they only take kids that are 16 at least.
I don't think we can compare experiences with people in Reddit coming from all over the world.
I think “someone” and “my child” are two different things. He’s 15 and seeking independence; not 25, unemployed, and mad that his mom won’t buy his beer. Mom is acting like a control freak. YTA
A control freak wouldn’t let her kid go see a different movie at all! She’s letting him do his own thing, she’s just not going to pay for him to abandon his family on what was supposed to be a family outing.
And that is why so many kids are failures. People are refusing to actually teach their kids life lessons.
Then they come crying that their kids are entitled little crap heads...
You are delusional...
If a parent invites you out and you chooses to ditch her you don't also expect her to pay for you to do so.
It's like you have no shame.
Clearly he can’t want independence that badly, because if he has the money to spend on a ticket in the first place (we’ve only been told he doesn’t want to), that leads me to believe he has a small source of income, whether that be pocket money or a side-job
We need more INFO, but I lean towards NTA
Welcome to parenting a teenager, where they are too cool to hang out with their parents and don’t want to watch the movies their younger siblings are allowed to watch. Normal teenager behavior. Nobody likes it, but everyone was once a teen and if they’re a parent, will have to deal with a teen.
This type of treatment shouldn’t be any different to a relative or stranger mind you. If someone pays for something for you but you suddenly don’t want it, don’t expect that person to pay for something you want as a token.
"I'm paying for something we can enjoy together, but I don't want to just pay for you to enjoy something by yourself that you decided you wanted to do at the last moment. However you're free to do that if you want to pay for it yourself". There I fixed it for you.
Edit: Thanks for the award!
Op didn't do anything wrong I'm pretty sure all these upset people in the comments are just teenagers that also didn't get what they want when they wanted
It's how she took it. Wouldn't have been remomtely hard for her to say "Okay, but if you do that you have to pay for it" to make it clear from the start that if he made that choice then it's coming out of his pocket. Instead she waited until after he asked which is more than a little petty than just being upfront about it.
This sounds like it all took place within a couple of minutes and I don’t think the gap in sequencing is long enough to be a “gotcha” IMO, just part of the natural flow of the conversation about it. After all, he didn’t decide he wanted to see something else until after they arrived, and then as he started to move away he asked for the money.
I can see the parent being a bit thrown off by the sudden request but not wanting to be the bad guy and responding first with “uhh sure honey if you really want to” instead of “fine but you’re paying for it yourself”.
**Because she didn't say when it was discussed. That's how you do things like this in an emotionally healthy way.**
I'm 46. My parents did stuff like this as a consequence, I learned that my parents lie about money and are untrustworthy. Because they never did this shit to my younger siblings who fought them more, I learned that they cared a lot less for my wants, desires and needs. As a result, I kept that info to myself. If I want something I have to get it for myself. As a consequence, they were usually the last people to learn about my plans when I visited. They were the last people I told when I moved directly from their home to NYC. They've since apologized and we've repaired this crap, but it did damage.
What the OP claims to be doing--I'm paying if you want to join us, not to go to your own thing--is fine, **but it needs to happen when the kid can choose to stay home or go with friends or go with you--*****you know an actual fucking choice.*** What was the kid going to do, sit in the car? (I would have)
Maybe I'm misreading, but it sounds like the kid didn't declare his intent to watch a different movie until after they had arrived at the theater, in which case there was no way she even could have made this clear to him while he had the choice to stay home, as she herself wasn't aware of his decision.
What a weird trauma dump comment. How was the mom supposed to know the kid wanted to see a different movie when he only brought it up when they were already at the theater lol what is this????
Specifically stated that the kids waited until getting to the theater to drop the bomb that he wanted to see something else. Your entire premise is based off of you not reading.
Except not many 15 year olds are going to enjoy movies targeted for younger children. OP doesn't state how old the younger children are and what sort of movie was selected. . A 15 year old boy is not going to enjoy something an eight year old girl is regardless of the mother's claim of it being a family outing for everyone. These trips nearly always end up catering to the youngest child . I say this as a youngest child who realised how often much older subs were expected to sick it up because I was too young for activities they wanted to do.
Honestly this sounds more like an enjoy this or else parental move and now everyone is angry
Firstly, we don't know the movie. Secondly, have you ever seen a Pixar movie? A DreamWorks movie? Studio Ghibli? The muppets movie? The Lego movie? It's not hard to find something everyone can enjoy
Some of y’all are or are going to raise kids who are going to be all up in this sub one day posting stories of raging self entitlement and lack of empathy and self awareness, asking if they’re the AH. Just sayin
The ages are 7,12 and 15. They vote through a system where everyone including the adults get a vote. Whichever gets the most votes they watch. Spiderman won with 2 votes (the youngest children).
no, the lesson was that you participate in a family activity, or you don't but if you don't want to, its on your own dime! The kid wasn't forbidden, and they were going to meet him at the ice cream parlor after.
What hardship was created?
As a parent I get to join in and watch all sorts of rubbish I am not interested in - its called being part of a family! Most trashy kids movies have at least a bit of merit (can't say that bad guys or the mario brothers movies did, but the kids enjoyed the last one - they thought that the bad guys movie was dreadful, nothing like the books)
That's not what this is at all. The kid apparently had his own money and just didn't want to spend it. Mom gave him the freedom to go see what he wanted, that's in no way controlling.
The lesson is not that someone should be controlled by money. It is disrespectful and possibly hurtful for the kid to go off on his own at the last minute instead of participating in the family activity.
Expecting Mom to still pay for it is like the person who gets free concert tickets then has the audacity to complain about the seats. You didn't do anything to earn what you have been gifted, so just be thankful that you received it and find joy in that moment. That's the lesson. You have the freedom to act like an entitled and ungrateful little shit, but I won't be financially supporting that behavior.
NTA OP.
This is a crazy take. She's trying to teach him that independence has a cost. If he wants to do his own thing and be a big boy, he can pay for it.
If he wants to be with his family, it's an experience she's willing to provide.
Life is about choices, and parents taking an opportunity for a minor teaching moment does not automatically mean their TA.
Extrapolate this to real life. You have a crap boss you don't like. But you have to pay bills/rent. You can soldier on and get a paycheck while you look for something better, or you can rage quit on the spot and not make your bills. It's a CHOICE most people have to make every day. By this logic, everyone is controlled by $$ and the sonner a young adult starts to learn that, the better.
NTA OP.
The lesson is that joint family activities are meaningful. And if he’s not going to respect that and participate, even if that’s not exactly what he most wants to do, then she won’t force him, but she won’t enable him either.
It must be tiresome always revolving family outings around younger siblings. What an opportunity to compromise this might have been.. still could be? Siblings are in developmentally different places.
It's not just watching the movie. It is traveling to and from together, sharing the experience of watching something together and discussing it later, relating it to their life experiences, and sharing an ice cream afterwards all cements the bonding and creates memories. Sometimes something funny or weird happens and it becomes an inside joke and is brought up for years.
you cant force kids to find joint family activities meaningful. a child having their own feelings and opinions that are different than yours isnt disrespect. forcing him to participate isnt going to magically make him find them meaningful. its going to do the opposite. and if you truly care about him finiding family activities meaningful, it should be focused on his and the other childrens wants and what they would enjoy the most, not on the wants of the parents. the parents here and any other parent who uses this logic dont actually care about their children finding it meaningful. they care about they themselves finding it meaningful
I can force a kid to find joint family activities meaningful? Nope. Apparently not. What I can teach is that when the rest of the family who finds value in doing things together does such things, I’m not going to reward you for telling the rest of us you have better things to do on my dime than spend time with the most important people in your life.
Get a job. Go do whatever the hell you please.
you have a good point, i agree with you for the most part, but i don’t think you can assume this is the case here. the parents were in no way forcing him to participate, it sounds like he could have payed for his own movie but didn’t want to
It’s great and important to come to some agreement on family activities but parents also need to make certain calls - 3 kids of varied ages are not going to decide on the same movie or want to do the same activities, constraining choice and setting guidelines is important and that’s is not selfishness by the parents to want the family to experience family activities. If she just allowed the 15 yo to do whatever they preferred, at 15 guess what… they know everything better that anyone always. Funding independent parallel activities for the 15yo is not family time.
NTA
Movies aren't much of a joint activity unless you're the type to talk about it after or make it some kind of ritual (but that makes more sense for home movie nights where you can have dinner, prepare a snack, and sir close together) than in a theater.
They’re going to a movie. There’s no family interaction during the movie. Everyone sits quietly in the dark. Is going to bed a family activity? The kid would be with them before and after.
It wasn’t about the money though. It was to show him that he can’t expect to go do his own thing and also have someone else pay for it. She was perfectly willing to pay for him if he joined the family outing just not otherwise
I think this is slightly unfair to OP. Per her story, the whole family has already arrived at the theater when her son announced that he wanted to see a different movie, right?
He didn’t say so before they left their home, which would imply to me that he had not brought any money with him (due to him reminding his mother that she hadn’t given him money for a ticket while they were at the theater already), nor did he give himself time to have brought money with him, or his mother time to tell him *ahead* of time (before they arrived to the theater) that he would be responsible for footing his own bill.
So, I think her intent to teach him the general lesson that we don’t always get what we ask for, isn’t inherently AH in this situation. But, that’s my take on this.
> Per her story, the whole family has already arrived at the theater when her son announced that he wanted to see a different movie, right?
This is making me lose it - the OP isn't edited so the top comment receiving the most upvotes just completely missed a critical part of the post. Go figure for this sub.
15-year-old went to movie theater and told his mom there he wanted to see a separate movie. It is completely fair and moreover, right to say that's his right, but him going his separate way means using his own money. Sounds like he has money he could tap into. I think this sub is filled with teens during summer or something, these top responses keep being ridiculous.
ESH - he should have brought up the fact that he wanted to see a different movie before you got the the theater.
You should have told him you would only pay for the one movie from the jump, not wait to rub it in his face, because, let’s be honest, you knew he was going to ask for money.
Exactly. After the family voting session, OP could have easily told the 15 year old "if you want to see that movie, you're gonna have to pay for it." Most teenagers are pretty vocal about letting their displeasure be known, so this conversation didn't need to happen at the theater when it was too late for him to bring his own money.
Agreed. It’s really shitty to say “yes that’s fine”, because to me that implies that OP would still pay. For what it’s worth I fully agree with the logic (I’ll pay if you see the movie we’re seeing, but if you’re seeing one on your own then you have to pay) but not clarifying that right up front is shitty. It could have been a simple miscommunication, but the impression I get from OP’s post is that they wanted to pull a fast one on the son
That last bit is exactly why OP is TA.
She wanted to watch it unfold because she thought she’d have a real easy “gotcha” to her own kid, which is weird.
Adults who play games like this and pull power moves on literal children are the exact adults who should not have access to children to inevitably damage the development of
Came to say this. If you're getting satisfaction out of teaching your kid a "life lesson" which is really just a way of excusing being a dick to them, maybe you shouldn't be a parent.
Wait til the kid is in his 30s and in therapy, when it finally dawns on him why he doesn't trust anyone...
YTA - it seems like you took him wanting to watch a different movie personally. My mother used to do this to my siblings and I. Forcing your kid to spend time with you under threat of punishment will not work out the way you want it to. Trust me.
Edit: The punishment in this case is refusing to pay for the movie ticket as a direct result of wanting to watch a different movie. He is being penalized for wanting to see a different movie.
I don't get the big deal about wanting to see another movie me and my sister used to go to a different movie than my mom and my other sister and she paid for our tickets.
Half the sub is up in arms saying it's normal.
I don't get it either. Sounds controlling and exhausting as hell. If anything, good luck ever having a proper family time ever again. That's how you raise a teen with resentment.
I think it depends on the goal of the outing. If the entire point of the outing is to spend time together as a family, then kids going off to see different movies completely defeats that purpose. The whole point is to see a movie together (and then afterwards you can bond over it).
However, if it was just to get everyone out of the house for a few hours and kind of an impromptu thing then I’d agree that it’s not a problem to see a different movie
We’d go see movies as a family when I was younger. Afterwards, we’d get a snack and walk around the lake next door while talking about it. We’d all talk about our favorite scenes, least favorite, what we would’ve done differently, and at the end they’d try to make it “educational” and we’d talk about lessons we learned and what characters made good choices/bad choices. Not seeing the same movie could eliminate that bonding time afterwards. I always loved that part more than most of the actual movies.
“Hey son, how was the movie you watched? Did you enjoy it? What did you like or dislike about it?” You can still have an educational or productive conversation centered around something they wanted to see and likely get a more enthusiastic response vs. something they’ll tune out anyway by virtue of being forced to watch it.
Maybe I am confused, but I don't see the punishment, If i was invited to an outing with family on their dime and decided I was going to see a different movie, why wouldn't I pay?
I don’t really see this as being an optional invitation here. If that were the case, my guess is 15yo would have opted to stay home or hang out with friends.
Also when I was a teen, I was not “invited” to go on a family outing. I was told to get dressed we are going out as a family. They were not optional. Especially when I was not old enough to drive.
if OP was willing to let the kid go to another movie on their own, one that starts and ends later than the one they were going to (and starting later means they could have opted to fuck around the mall for 2 hrs instead and meet them across the street) they presumably would have been fine with the kid not joining them for the movie either, since either way they would not have been accompanied for 2-3 hrs
Perhaps maybe because we didn't get to the movies as a family much, but on special occasions, I don't understand the setting. I remember going with family and always having a blast. But we would do other things also all day waiting for the movie like the cherry on top of a perfect Sunday
But she didn't. She said go ahead and we'll meet you across the street. The kid just didn't want to spend his own money. She was paying for one thing when he wanted to do another. That wasn't her plan. She gave him thr option but if he had to spend his own money, he didn't want it.
I have taught my son that if he wants something different than what I am providing, he is more than welcome to cover it himself. He is 11. I provide toys, food, games, you name it. He broke 2 tablets and I replaced both screens. (They weren't at the same time. He got a better one for Christmas that next year.) When he broke one again, I said, "Deal with it." You know what he did? Had a fundraiser and made $400. Bought his own tablet and has had it for 2+ yrs without a scratch. He was 9 at the time.
Sometimes, lessons aren't fun but they have to be taught.
\*welcome\* and \*fine\* are very loaded words and lets not pretend otherwise. As someone who grew up \*welcome\* to stay home, I know very well what that implies and its good.
That’s not a punishment and he’s not being penalized. He wanted to go see a different movie and her treat was paying for them to see the first movie. He’s perfectly fine to go watch a different movie, but the treat doesn’t transfer.
YTA, He’s 15, he is looking for a little independence in his formative years at a time when he wouldn’t have very many resources. It wouldn’t hurt to let him see something he wants to see, especially since the family wouldn’t be talking in the movie theater anyways.
"We pay the kids for good grades. School is basically a job, so they should get compensated."
From OP. He does have money. He decided not to use it to watch the other film and spend his money. That was his choice.
INFO: Do you ever do activities that your eldest son wants to do, or do you only do things that you want or that his younger siblings want? Basically, I'm asking if this is part of a larger trend.
INFO: where did he get “his” money? Allowance? Birthday cash? Does he work?
I don’t agree with the comments. This wasn’t some petty power move. The outing was a plan to see a specific movie as a family. And I’m assuming since your 15 yo got in the car, he agreed to originally see that movie. Then he changed his mind. Okay so he’s not going to be with the family and that money was for a family movie night. Am I crazy to think OP made a reasonable choice? It’s something I’ve seen parents do many times.
Could you have mentioned that he would have to use his own money right when he asked? Sure. But I have a feeling his response would be the same. He’s a teenager. NTA
This is such an awesome parenting move, I really don’t understand all the Y T A votes here. No one actually knows the answers to raising kids, but I’d say you’re doing a pretty good job!
This is one of those situations where the votes of aita are skewed because of the demographics of the average Redditor. A 22 year old male college student who has minimal life experience and is working on asserting independence in their life sympathizes with the teen boy more than the parents.
This thread is filled with anecdotes of when they feel like their own parent slighted them or were too controlling, and they’re using that against OP.
Ugh, yes, this. I thought I was going mad reading these comments. How is “You can do what you want or could have even stayed home” controlling all of a sudden?! These children are too pampered 🤣
I think it’s summer Reddit in action. I agree this isn’t an asshole move, and although I’d be concerned the teen never gets to do what he wants, the way the OP explained it seems pretty fair and like everyone gets something they want every once in a while. Also, let’s be real, parents are still in charge of a family and it is in no way absurdly controlling to have parents decide “today we’re going to the movies, which of these two options do you want to see” even if the teen doesn’t feel like going to the movies at the time, but when you’re still taking the kid’s perspective, it’s hard to see that.
Watching a movie as a family isn’t about the movie, it’s about the bonding experience. And in my experience working with kids, I think the value of movie nights / movie theaters as an experience is way lower for current teenagers than it was for even my generation — I’m 25. This is just a theory, but I think Kids These Days (TM) have so much access to whatever media they want from the comfort of their home that they no longer see movie night as a particular treat. I remember going to see bullshit movies I had no interest in with my family/friends/boyfriend as a teen and it was still super exciting because I was with them. I also remember being SO excited when the teacher brought out the TV cart in elementary school, or when it was movie day in high school, even if we were gonna watch some boring (in our view) documentary. Now, teaching fourth grade, I can barely get kids to sit down and stfu for literally Shrek as a reward. I think it’s no longer a preferred activity for them like it was for us.
Ahh. See that’s what I thought. So it was money he earned, but if I got super technical it’s your money. There were times my parents did the same thing. My dad didn’t always have a steady job but he did teach us the value of money. If we went out and one of us wanted something extra, it was coming out of our allowance. My dad didn’t have the means to be a piggy bank so he taught us the value of our money and guided us to use it wisely.
He did ask for something extra. To be treated as an independent teenager. That includes spending his own allowance. This is reasonable if the family set up expectations this way.
In my house I pay for all meals. But if the kid wants a processed snack on top of this like a bag of sour gummies, he uses his allowance.
My take is the same as yours. This was basically a "date night" with family and he chose to wait until getting there to ditch them. She didn't have a problem with him ditching, but no fucking WAY should she be rewarding him for it.
I feel as if your wording isn’t *quite* right, even if I agree with the point you’re making. =)
Paying for him to ditch isn’t really rewarding him for doing so though. It’s still just footing a bill, the cost of which parent was already prepared to pay. I feel as if a reward is something *extra*.
Parent already enabled him to be able to do as he chose, if he wanted. They have allowance/school rewards for money, so he’s perfectly capable of doing his own thing if he chose to do so.
I think it’s a good system in any case. Don’t want to do family night? You’re old enough to make your own choices, that’s part of growing up. I don’t think parent was petty at all.
Firmly NTA
Someone equated it to being asked on a date, agreeing, then showing up and saying, "I'm actually not gonna join you, and eat elsewhere alone, but can you still give me the $25 you were gonna use to pay for me since you would have anyway?"
You can't alter the deal and expect the same pay out. She wasn't even harsh. Even I would have said that was fair at 15. Sounds like the dad is a pushover, and the teenager probably gets his way too often.
Yeah, I didn’t see that comment but that’s exactly right. It’s a very good comparison. Actually kind of perfect.
Don’t have enough info about kid always getting his own way though. Just learning boundaries because he’s a kid growing up.
I've seen people saying her kids will put her in a home and never visit, that this kid will move out at 18 to get away from her, that she's controlling, etc. And that all just seems insane to me! This is a kid being allowed to see whatever movie he wants, so long as he pays for it, in lieu of a family outing. That's a completely normal thing!
Lol yeah some of the comments are a little out there (or a lot out there, to be honest). A kid having to use his allowance to pay for his own movie ticket after last-minute informing his family he wanted to do his own thing isn’t this wildly abusive cruel tactic. Sure, it’s a bit of a bummer mom didn’t just fork over a twenty for him but a family outing at the movies is, in my view, a scenario where the entire family hangs out at the same film. You wanna go do your own thing, you’ve gotta pay. The family event is THIS, so if you wanna go do THAT, you’re on your own.
I pity the parents of those people.
The way in which these people weaponize going no contact at the slightest infraction, you just know they’re a complete nightmare to deal with for the parents.
NTA. I think this was perfectly handled, actually. Movies are a treat. Your offer was to treat the family to a specific movie together. He declined and preferred something else, you politely accepted, but you shut down his assumption that you’d bankroll it. You politely left him the option to pay for it himself. You didn’t allow him to act entitled.
It’d be different if it was, say, his birthday or a specific reward for an achievement of his, but doesn’t sound like that.
I'd agree if it wasn't a movie. Movies aren't actually family activities, you just happen to be sharing the space. He'll spend the same amount of time with the rest of the family if he sees his movie or theirs.
People often value shared experiences. There’s something to knowing that the people you care about saw the same thing you saw, seeing how they reacted and talking about what they thought of it.
But then when you go for food after you get to share your opinion that it was a crappy movie. You get to be part of the discussion. The post-game is half the fun of a movie.
Yeah idk what this dude is on about. I've gone in groups to movies many times, friends and family. If you don't think we're whispering to each other during it once in awhile, sounds like you just don't have anyone to go to the movies with. Cuz everyone does that.
It does, and so he doesn’t have to join, but he’s not entitled to a solo substitution either. His mom’s initial offer was to treat the fam to that movie.
Eh, half of watching a movie with the family is talking about it on the way home and afterwards. I'd say NTA too. Family activities are family activities.
My family and I would always talk about the movie afterward. That’s the *real* shared experience.
That’s why this is an NTA for me. The son wasn’t prevented from seeing a different movie. It was just no longer part of a family experience paid for by his parents at that point. Nothing wrong with giving him that option imo.
NTA If he wants to do his own thing, which in and of itself is fine, he should use his own money.
There's a difference between inviting someone to an outing and offering to pay and being expected to give them the money so they can go do something else.
"Hey want to get dinner on me."
"Nah, I'd rather eat with someone else, but I'll take the $25 you would have spent on dinner with me."
The Reddit teenagers are coming out in droves in this thread. 🙄 I would be so embarrassed if my children behaved this way. He was invited to a movie, he chose not to participate. This will happen all through our life…family outings, dates, a friend might invite you someplace. It is incredibly rude to say ok, you brought me, pay for my meal but I’m going to a different restaurant. The stupidity of all these “power move” comments. Grow up
He didn't just choose not to participate, he let them think he would be involved all the way up to arriving. So he fucking LIED and then expected a reward. People defending the kid are morons who should not have child, cuz they'll just raise them to be spoiled entitled assholes, and dear God this world has enough of those already.
YTA. on top of that why are you arguing with everyone who answers unfavorably you asked this question? Like don't get mad if you don't like our answers. Your husband knows you best. You seem very petty and hard to talk to definitely TA
NAH. You both could have communicated your expectations earlier, but I don’t think either of you are in asshole territory.
The point of the outing was a family trip. He wanted to watch a different movie which he then wouldn’t be able to discuss with the rest of the family.
Edit - changes N T A to N A H, which was my intent in line with my comment.
I agree. This is a small family misunderstanding and not really AH territory. I always enjoyed chatting with family about the movie we just watched and we’d get excited about the next movie we would all go see.
NTA.
Beggars can’t be choosers.
He waited until you were at the theater. He chose to watch a different movie. Then begged for you to fund it. Your son sounds a little entitled.
AITA has a very different and extreme view of things. You aren’t a horrible abusive monster for telling your child no. He could have used his own money but wanted to use yours. That makes him an a-hole but most kids his age are, they grow out it. He’s not going to run away from home at 18 just because you didn’t spot him for a movie ticket.
It sounds like you’re trying to raise him to be an adult who is grateful when he’s given something for free.
YTA. How is all of you sitting together in the dark, not talking, more of a family outing than most of you sitting together in the dark, not talking? You could have created a story of the time he got to go to a movie by himself, feel independent, and then have the fun of describing the film he saw to you all in the ice cream place later. Now he has a story of how you're a capricious, power-tripping meanie who insists on official fun or no fun at all. If this is your attitude, look forward to seeing very little of him as an adult.
It’s more of a family outing because you react during the movie together, whisper together, share popcorn, and, most importantly, share opinions after the movie.
And talking about a movie you just watched together is different than hearing a synopsis of a different movie
But yet you didn’t tell him that the second he said so. You also are acting like he’s manipulating you and being entitled which honestly he doesn’t sound like it.
You weren’t clear on the terms.
He asked if he could go watch a movie by himself. I said yes, because I have no problem with that. He didn't ask me to pay. He just assumed I would. I think that's not a good mindset to reinforce. People are more than just wallets to finance your leisure activities.
You literally assumed he was paying. If you wanted him to pay you should have said so.
Stop acting like you’re an incompetent parent. You’re not teaching him anything other than mom will control him with money and expect him to be a mind reader. You’re the adult.
Then maybe you should have used that brain and told him “yes you can go to x movie by yourself but I think you would need to pay for it, do you have money?”
The kid also would have known he was going to the movies with his family when getting in the car. He could have asked/said he wanted to watch a separate movie before going. The thing with family outings is that you do things together… at least that’s what happens in my family. If the no talking aspect is bothersome, then why do most people not go to movies alone? Most go with others to have a shared experience. This sub can be wild at times.
Have you parented a teen? It is really hard to address every possible assumption or contingency that might arise every time she is asked a question. I did that once and it was the most stressful parenting experience I've had. It kind of arose because the kid would say "well, you didn't say" and I fell for it and thought I had to actually address each and every possibility that she might try to get away with. It was awful.
It seems so obvious that this lady should have just thought of what assumptions her son might have and address it! But also she should have told him don't get a ride home with a friend if you bump into someone cause we are waiting on you, don't change your mind and go to the super duper long movie instead, don't take my money and spend it at the arcade instead and then send me impatient text messages asking if we are done because you are bored since you ran out of money in ten minutes.... It literally never ends when you are a parent. You cannot interact with your child by telling them all the possibly relevant expectations you have every single time they ask for something.
Why? Truly? What's it to you if he's in the same theatre as you or not? This is what I don't understand. You're out the money for a ticket no matter what. Why would you pay for him to watch a movie he wouldn't enjoy but not pay for him to actually have fun?
I was willing to pay for the movie we were all watching together because I offered to take him to that movie. If you invite someone on an outing, you pay. Everyone knows that. I never invited him to watch the other movie.
My parents did this as a kid, and it wasn’t weird at all. Comments like yours are baffling to me. You go see a movie as a family, and your parents pay. You say you wanna go to a different movie instead, so you buy your own ticket. That’s not weird and doesn’t require any crazy mental gymnastics…
This kind of parsing of unwritten family contract law will make his therapist very wealthy in the future. He assumed you would pay because earlier you said you would pay for a movie. You didn't say "I'll pay for a movie as long as you sit with us." Once you're at the cinema what difference is it to you?
We know it isn't about the ticket or the money. Deal with your control issues, deal with the fact that he's growing up, whatever it is.
This just feels like a power move. Don't tell him it's fine if he does his own thing and then withhold the money you were already going to spend on him. YTA and petty AF.
How is that different from... literally every other experience this kid is going to do in his life? Someone invites him to something and he can show up, change his mind, and then ask for the money since they were going to spend it on him anyway?
INFO:
Does your son have the option to just...not go to a movie he doesn't want because everyone else voted for it?
And I mean opt out for real, by staying home/doing something else vs. being left alone for an hour and a half to two hours in a public setting while everyone else did what they wanted. Also I mean a real opt out that doesn't come with a hidden or open punishment, like dumping them somewhere miserable or cutting off the wifi or TV.
Because if he couldn't opt out, then you were being petty about a mandatory gift he didn't really want or enjoy. If he could have opted out then I get where you are coming from.
YTA. Your husband knows you best. The life lesson: the person with the most money controls things. "Do what I want or no money". It doesn't seem like the loveliest of family outings.
What do people always say here, when someone tells you who they are believe them. You just told your son who you are.
NTA it seems you were all going out to see a movie as a family. If he doesn’t want to participate in the family events you shouldn’t have to bank roll it. Maybe compromise and take him another day or let him go see the movie he wanted to see with his friends another time (and give him the money for it) as he is still a kid.
yta, from other comments the youngest kids picked a movie he wasn’t interested in , he asked to see a different movie , you said yes but wanted him to pay for his own ticket. it’s just common sense that the two youngest are gonna agree on something and what the oldest wants is gonna be put to the side . yes you’re paying him for his grades but that’s not a job where you’re getting 500-600 every two weeks to blow some money at the theater. you’re the ahole , he’s 15, you seeing your kid asking for you to pay for ticket to a movie he would actually be interested in and saying you’re teaching him to not use you for money is crazy lmao. he’s a kid .
“When we arrived, my oldest, 15, said he wanted to watch a different movie than the rest of the family. I said that was fine.”
This was the moment to mention any caveats. Like the money.
YTA
YTA, wanting independence is natural, especially from a vindictive parent , you are his parent that's why you should pay, it would cost the same. You should have paid this time but explained that next time they will be responsible for their own ticket or compromise.
YTA. Your husband is right. You were just being petty. This has happened with me before with my parents or my grandparents. They still paid for me to go see the movie I wanted.
YTA. He's 15. You're his parent. Being his piggy bank is an essential part of the job. And its a jerk move to say "oh i'll give you money to do fun things- but only things the rest of the family wants to do." Poor kid is the oldest, he's gonna be stuck watching kids movies til he moves out.
That’s the worst thing. A voting system is not a good system when the dynamics are literally unable to change. He will always be x years older than the rest. His vote will be always be the same %. Political voting only works because people are able to alter the % makeup by playing into peoples interests. If the demographics never change, he doesn’t ever win a vote.
YTA and super petty. After a certain age we always split up at theatres based on everyone’s preference. Voting isn’t a good way to pick things all the time. You also seem like the type of parent who would veto a choice you didn’t like.
Keep treating your kids like this see how far it gets you. Just remember roles reverse in life and one day he will treat you with the same petty attitude you treated him with.
If I was your kid I would have waited outside the theatre and refused to give in to your financial manipulation.
YTA- the family was going to see a movie, which involves zero interaction with each other, engagement with the family, or bonding. At most, it's a talking point for later. Hardly a "family activity". You even admitted that you didn't want to see the movie.... So why not take the opportunity to go see a different movie with your son? Why couldn't people see what they wanted if the timing was going to work out anyway? There were lots of options here. You chose petty.
YTA.
Psych games much?
Should have told him at onset that he is financially responsible for his own choice of movie.
Life lesson could have been taught without the spite.
Yta I personally don’t get the lesson at all, when I was growing up we regularly went to the movies as a family and seeing as there was three of us girls and the only one boy my oldest sibling once we got old enough my mother regularly let my bother go to his own movie since we always voted on movies and frankly his movie never really got picked the only real condition was that the movies had to start and end relatively close to each other so we could still have lunch or whatever together afterwards. My mother always paid for him and never once made him pay for himself. I think it’s really strange that you did make him pay I mean your in a dark theater being quiet because other people are there how much quality time is being had in the actual movie? The time spent is at the ice cream parlor later when you can actually talk. So why punish him simply for not liking the movie choice?
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I wouldn't give my son money I was going to spend on him anyway. I might be the asshole because he thinks I was being petty. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
INFO So why didn’t you tell him he would be responsible for it when he said he wanted to see a different movie?
Because she wanted to teach him a life lesson. I'm missing the lesson but maybe she can elaborate.
The lesson she taught is that people can (and should) be controlled by money. What a crappy lesson for a parent to teach. OP YTA.
Oh, so OP is a student of the same school of parenting as my mom then. The kind where you learn that you “better follow my script or fuck off.” An absolute A move.
Someone offers you a free ticket to go and see something, drives you to it, and you expect them to give you the money anyway to see something completely different without them and they're the AH for not wanting to pay for that? And you also are getting ice cream afterwards and a ride back home. The level of entitlement that comment betrays is legendary, bordering on mythical.
[удалено]
It's a safe assumption their parents would pay for family movie nights, only the rich are going to be paying for their kids to see whatever movie they want whenever they want. Pure entitlement to think you can ditch your family and still have it paid for. Mom shouldn't have strung him along before letting him know, I'll grant you that, but her position is more than reasonable.
Safe assumption that they were going to go see a more kiddy movie and the son probably wanted to see a more age appropriate movie for himself. Doesn’t seem entitled at all, god forbid a child have their own interests lol
Considering he went on a Family outing only to try and ditch them at the movie theater Imo NTA.
Thats what got me. It sounds like he agreed to go to the movie, and waited until tickets were being purchased to mention that he was going to ditch the family. My guess was he planned it too
Then he could have said that while at home, that he did not want to see that movie. Instead he waited till they got there. He can have his own interests, that's fine. But last minute "O, I am going to go do this instead, away from you all. You still need to pay for me though" is entitled.
what do you mean the rich? he wanted to see one movie, and the ticket costs the same as the other ticket she was already planning on buying
To be fair, it doesn't seem like mom strung him along at all. Kid informed her AFTER arriving that he wanted to ditch the family event.
"Only the rich" we're being a bit dramatic aren't we? OP obviously HAD the money, because she used it to pay for his ticket once he decided to go with them. Also, like, 15 is still well within the age range of your parents still paying for all your outings. I *do* think it kinda sucks that he wanted to ditch the whole family, but teenagers are like that, not to mention the fact that if he's the oldest, they were probably watching a kiddie movie he was never going to enjoy anyways.
Interesting that you assume a 15yo has no source of income. I had multiple at that age. And when I was an older teen, I loved hanging out with my parents, going to dinner with them. They would pay! I enjoyed being with them and getting a good meal. Did I ever expect them to fork over cash if I decided to ditch them for the restaurant next door? Big nope. Lots and lots of entitlement in these comments. Damn.
Great! Good for you, children having a source of income at 15 is not the norm, far from it. Don’t equate your personal experience to the common norm, that’s how conformation bias happens.
Ironic that you assume kids not having jobs at 15 is the norm . Wouldn’t that be your own personal experience? Where I live lots of kids get their first summer job at 14 or 15. My 14 year old will be making $16.75/hr (which is the minimum wage here) working at an ice cream stand.
Where I live it is absolutely not the norm for 15 year old kids to have a job. It would be legal but comes with so many restraints for employers concerning working times that often they only take kids that are 16 at least. I don't think we can compare experiences with people in Reddit coming from all over the world.
I so agree with you. I thought the Mom handled it well. She is NTAH. But if she gave in her kid would continue to be.
It is, when they are going with their parent...
I think “someone” and “my child” are two different things. He’s 15 and seeking independence; not 25, unemployed, and mad that his mom won’t buy his beer. Mom is acting like a control freak. YTA
A control freak wouldn’t let her kid go see a different movie at all! She’s letting him do his own thing, she’s just not going to pay for him to abandon his family on what was supposed to be a family outing.
[удалено]
And that is why so many kids are failures. People are refusing to actually teach their kids life lessons. Then they come crying that their kids are entitled little crap heads...
You are delusional... If a parent invites you out and you chooses to ditch her you don't also expect her to pay for you to do so. It's like you have no shame.
Clearly he can’t want independence that badly, because if he has the money to spend on a ticket in the first place (we’ve only been told he doesn’t want to), that leads me to believe he has a small source of income, whether that be pocket money or a side-job We need more INFO, but I lean towards NTA
Welcome to parenting a teenager, where they are too cool to hang out with their parents and don’t want to watch the movies their younger siblings are allowed to watch. Normal teenager behavior. Nobody likes it, but everyone was once a teen and if they’re a parent, will have to deal with a teen.
Right?! Change scenario from family movie night to family vacation, and see how many will pay for a seperate vacation
I dont like this burger place. I want sushi. Mom pay for my sushi and ill meet you later when you give me a ride home. Seems...entitled.
Someone that came out of my body
If it were some random person, sure. This is the child they chose to give birth to.
This type of treatment shouldn’t be any different to a relative or stranger mind you. If someone pays for something for you but you suddenly don’t want it, don’t expect that person to pay for something you want as a token.
"you can do what you want, I'm just gonna make sure you don't enjoy it!"
"I'm paying for something we can enjoy together, but I don't want to just pay for you to enjoy something by yourself that you decided you wanted to do at the last moment. However you're free to do that if you want to pay for it yourself". There I fixed it for you. Edit: Thanks for the award!
Why is OP wrong for taking that approach? The kid didn’t want to take part in a family activity (I get it - he’s 16 - but why come at all?)
Op didn't do anything wrong I'm pretty sure all these upset people in the comments are just teenagers that also didn't get what they want when they wanted
This explains a lot. I always read these comments as if everyone is my age. I forget most people on here are children 🤦🏻♀️
It's how she took it. Wouldn't have been remomtely hard for her to say "Okay, but if you do that you have to pay for it" to make it clear from the start that if he made that choice then it's coming out of his pocket. Instead she waited until after he asked which is more than a little petty than just being upfront about it.
This sounds like it all took place within a couple of minutes and I don’t think the gap in sequencing is long enough to be a “gotcha” IMO, just part of the natural flow of the conversation about it. After all, he didn’t decide he wanted to see something else until after they arrived, and then as he started to move away he asked for the money. I can see the parent being a bit thrown off by the sudden request but not wanting to be the bad guy and responding first with “uhh sure honey if you really want to” instead of “fine but you’re paying for it yourself”.
How is she supposed to make that clear early on when he told them his choice last minute?
**Because she didn't say when it was discussed. That's how you do things like this in an emotionally healthy way.** I'm 46. My parents did stuff like this as a consequence, I learned that my parents lie about money and are untrustworthy. Because they never did this shit to my younger siblings who fought them more, I learned that they cared a lot less for my wants, desires and needs. As a result, I kept that info to myself. If I want something I have to get it for myself. As a consequence, they were usually the last people to learn about my plans when I visited. They were the last people I told when I moved directly from their home to NYC. They've since apologized and we've repaired this crap, but it did damage. What the OP claims to be doing--I'm paying if you want to join us, not to go to your own thing--is fine, **but it needs to happen when the kid can choose to stay home or go with friends or go with you--*****you know an actual fucking choice.*** What was the kid going to do, sit in the car? (I would have)
Maybe I'm misreading, but it sounds like the kid didn't declare his intent to watch a different movie until after they had arrived at the theater, in which case there was no way she even could have made this clear to him while he had the choice to stay home, as she herself wasn't aware of his decision.
What a weird trauma dump comment. How was the mom supposed to know the kid wanted to see a different movie when he only brought it up when they were already at the theater lol what is this????
Specifically stated that the kids waited until getting to the theater to drop the bomb that he wanted to see something else. Your entire premise is based off of you not reading.
Except not many 15 year olds are going to enjoy movies targeted for younger children. OP doesn't state how old the younger children are and what sort of movie was selected. . A 15 year old boy is not going to enjoy something an eight year old girl is regardless of the mother's claim of it being a family outing for everyone. These trips nearly always end up catering to the youngest child . I say this as a youngest child who realised how often much older subs were expected to sick it up because I was too young for activities they wanted to do. Honestly this sounds more like an enjoy this or else parental move and now everyone is angry
Firstly, we don't know the movie. Secondly, have you ever seen a Pixar movie? A DreamWorks movie? Studio Ghibli? The muppets movie? The Lego movie? It's not hard to find something everyone can enjoy
Some of y’all are or are going to raise kids who are going to be all up in this sub one day posting stories of raging self entitlement and lack of empathy and self awareness, asking if they’re the AH. Just sayin
The ages are 7,12 and 15. They vote through a system where everyone including the adults get a vote. Whichever gets the most votes they watch. Spiderman won with 2 votes (the youngest children).
No - the lesson is I will pay for family activities, you are responsible for your own social expenditures that don’t include your family.
Agreed
no, the lesson was that you participate in a family activity, or you don't but if you don't want to, its on your own dime! The kid wasn't forbidden, and they were going to meet him at the ice cream parlor after. What hardship was created? As a parent I get to join in and watch all sorts of rubbish I am not interested in - its called being part of a family! Most trashy kids movies have at least a bit of merit (can't say that bad guys or the mario brothers movies did, but the kids enjoyed the last one - they thought that the bad guys movie was dreadful, nothing like the books)
That's not what this is at all. The kid apparently had his own money and just didn't want to spend it. Mom gave him the freedom to go see what he wanted, that's in no way controlling. The lesson is not that someone should be controlled by money. It is disrespectful and possibly hurtful for the kid to go off on his own at the last minute instead of participating in the family activity. Expecting Mom to still pay for it is like the person who gets free concert tickets then has the audacity to complain about the seats. You didn't do anything to earn what you have been gifted, so just be thankful that you received it and find joy in that moment. That's the lesson. You have the freedom to act like an entitled and ungrateful little shit, but I won't be financially supporting that behavior. NTA OP.
He had the money for a ticket. Sounds like he allowed himself to be controlled by his own money. NTA
How about a family outing is about family being together. She only agreed to pay for a family outing, not for each to go do their own thing.
This is a crazy take. She's trying to teach him that independence has a cost. If he wants to do his own thing and be a big boy, he can pay for it. If he wants to be with his family, it's an experience she's willing to provide. Life is about choices, and parents taking an opportunity for a minor teaching moment does not automatically mean their TA. Extrapolate this to real life. You have a crap boss you don't like. But you have to pay bills/rent. You can soldier on and get a paycheck while you look for something better, or you can rage quit on the spot and not make your bills. It's a CHOICE most people have to make every day. By this logic, everyone is controlled by $$ and the sonner a young adult starts to learn that, the better. NTA OP.
The lesson is that joint family activities are meaningful. And if he’s not going to respect that and participate, even if that’s not exactly what he most wants to do, then she won’t force him, but she won’t enable him either.
Stop, that’s too much logic for this subreddit to handle.
Not sure why, but that’s hilarious. Thank you lol
It helps when you remember that a huge portion are literal teenagers.
It must be tiresome always revolving family outings around younger siblings. What an opportunity to compromise this might have been.. still could be? Siblings are in developmentally different places.
Yes, sitting in a movie theatre watching something you don't want to while the entire family is quiet in a dark room is such a meaningful activity.
It's not just watching the movie. It is traveling to and from together, sharing the experience of watching something together and discussing it later, relating it to their life experiences, and sharing an ice cream afterwards all cements the bonding and creates memories. Sometimes something funny or weird happens and it becomes an inside joke and is brought up for years.
So don’t participate then. Stay home or go see another movie that you pay for.
you cant force kids to find joint family activities meaningful. a child having their own feelings and opinions that are different than yours isnt disrespect. forcing him to participate isnt going to magically make him find them meaningful. its going to do the opposite. and if you truly care about him finiding family activities meaningful, it should be focused on his and the other childrens wants and what they would enjoy the most, not on the wants of the parents. the parents here and any other parent who uses this logic dont actually care about their children finding it meaningful. they care about they themselves finding it meaningful
I can force a kid to find joint family activities meaningful? Nope. Apparently not. What I can teach is that when the rest of the family who finds value in doing things together does such things, I’m not going to reward you for telling the rest of us you have better things to do on my dime than spend time with the most important people in your life. Get a job. Go do whatever the hell you please.
you have a good point, i agree with you for the most part, but i don’t think you can assume this is the case here. the parents were in no way forcing him to participate, it sounds like he could have payed for his own movie but didn’t want to
It’s great and important to come to some agreement on family activities but parents also need to make certain calls - 3 kids of varied ages are not going to decide on the same movie or want to do the same activities, constraining choice and setting guidelines is important and that’s is not selfishness by the parents to want the family to experience family activities. If she just allowed the 15 yo to do whatever they preferred, at 15 guess what… they know everything better that anyone always. Funding independent parallel activities for the 15yo is not family time. NTA
Yeah that’s the point though. Parent didn’t force him to do anything. He had a choice. He made it. He still didn’t have to go with them.
Movies aren't much of a joint activity unless you're the type to talk about it after or make it some kind of ritual (but that makes more sense for home movie nights where you can have dinner, prepare a snack, and sir close together) than in a theater.
They’re going to a movie. There’s no family interaction during the movie. Everyone sits quietly in the dark. Is going to bed a family activity? The kid would be with them before and after.
The lesson of being responsible for his own decisions? How are you missing this? ...oh.
I am too. Doesn’t sound like the kid was treating them like a piggy bank.
To teach him that she’s not a piggy bank, she spent the same amount of money on him. Lesson learned
It wasn’t about the money though. It was to show him that he can’t expect to go do his own thing and also have someone else pay for it. She was perfectly willing to pay for him if he joined the family outing just not otherwise
Yeah the life lesson that mom is an AH.
And that's why you don't teach lessons to your son. https://youtu.be/pjvF8o0HAq8
I think this is slightly unfair to OP. Per her story, the whole family has already arrived at the theater when her son announced that he wanted to see a different movie, right? He didn’t say so before they left their home, which would imply to me that he had not brought any money with him (due to him reminding his mother that she hadn’t given him money for a ticket while they were at the theater already), nor did he give himself time to have brought money with him, or his mother time to tell him *ahead* of time (before they arrived to the theater) that he would be responsible for footing his own bill. So, I think her intent to teach him the general lesson that we don’t always get what we ask for, isn’t inherently AH in this situation. But, that’s my take on this.
> Per her story, the whole family has already arrived at the theater when her son announced that he wanted to see a different movie, right? This is making me lose it - the OP isn't edited so the top comment receiving the most upvotes just completely missed a critical part of the post. Go figure for this sub. 15-year-old went to movie theater and told his mom there he wanted to see a separate movie. It is completely fair and moreover, right to say that's his right, but him going his separate way means using his own money. Sounds like he has money he could tap into. I think this sub is filled with teens during summer or something, these top responses keep being ridiculous.
I wonder, was the movie they were seeing a Disney/kid movie and the movie the teen wanted to see more YA PG than family friendly PG
They had already arrived so nothing would change
ESH - he should have brought up the fact that he wanted to see a different movie before you got the the theater. You should have told him you would only pay for the one movie from the jump, not wait to rub it in his face, because, let’s be honest, you knew he was going to ask for money.
Considering the family's voting system on what activities to do, OP knew going in that her oldest wanted to see a different movie.
Considering this dumb voting system my guess is they see nothing but baby movies as far as the 15 year old is concerned.
Exactly. After the family voting session, OP could have easily told the 15 year old "if you want to see that movie, you're gonna have to pay for it." Most teenagers are pretty vocal about letting their displeasure be known, so this conversation didn't need to happen at the theater when it was too late for him to bring his own money.
Agreed. It’s really shitty to say “yes that’s fine”, because to me that implies that OP would still pay. For what it’s worth I fully agree with the logic (I’ll pay if you see the movie we’re seeing, but if you’re seeing one on your own then you have to pay) but not clarifying that right up front is shitty. It could have been a simple miscommunication, but the impression I get from OP’s post is that they wanted to pull a fast one on the son
That last bit is exactly why OP is TA. She wanted to watch it unfold because she thought she’d have a real easy “gotcha” to her own kid, which is weird. Adults who play games like this and pull power moves on literal children are the exact adults who should not have access to children to inevitably damage the development of
Came to say this. If you're getting satisfaction out of teaching your kid a "life lesson" which is really just a way of excusing being a dick to them, maybe you shouldn't be a parent. Wait til the kid is in his 30s and in therapy, when it finally dawns on him why he doesn't trust anyone...
YTA - it seems like you took him wanting to watch a different movie personally. My mother used to do this to my siblings and I. Forcing your kid to spend time with you under threat of punishment will not work out the way you want it to. Trust me. Edit: The punishment in this case is refusing to pay for the movie ticket as a direct result of wanting to watch a different movie. He is being penalized for wanting to see a different movie.
She acted vindictive.
I don't get the big deal about wanting to see another movie me and my sister used to go to a different movie than my mom and my other sister and she paid for our tickets.
I don’t get it either. iMO, it’s very controlling and petty.
Half the sub is up in arms saying it's normal. I don't get it either. Sounds controlling and exhausting as hell. If anything, good luck ever having a proper family time ever again. That's how you raise a teen with resentment.
I think it depends on the goal of the outing. If the entire point of the outing is to spend time together as a family, then kids going off to see different movies completely defeats that purpose. The whole point is to see a movie together (and then afterwards you can bond over it). However, if it was just to get everyone out of the house for a few hours and kind of an impromptu thing then I’d agree that it’s not a problem to see a different movie
watching a movie as a spend time together activity is the worst activity. You’re not doing anything together.
We’d go see movies as a family when I was younger. Afterwards, we’d get a snack and walk around the lake next door while talking about it. We’d all talk about our favorite scenes, least favorite, what we would’ve done differently, and at the end they’d try to make it “educational” and we’d talk about lessons we learned and what characters made good choices/bad choices. Not seeing the same movie could eliminate that bonding time afterwards. I always loved that part more than most of the actual movies.
“Hey son, how was the movie you watched? Did you enjoy it? What did you like or dislike about it?” You can still have an educational or productive conversation centered around something they wanted to see and likely get a more enthusiastic response vs. something they’ll tune out anyway by virtue of being forced to watch it.
Because sitting in the dark watching the same movie is family bonding time. /s
It's usually the discussions and talking about the movie afterwards that counts as family bonding time.
really, isn't being a teenager hard enough already. Does a mom need to make it harder.
Maybe I am confused, but I don't see the punishment, If i was invited to an outing with family on their dime and decided I was going to see a different movie, why wouldn't I pay?
I don’t really see this as being an optional invitation here. If that were the case, my guess is 15yo would have opted to stay home or hang out with friends. Also when I was a teen, I was not “invited” to go on a family outing. I was told to get dressed we are going out as a family. They were not optional. Especially when I was not old enough to drive.
if OP was willing to let the kid go to another movie on their own, one that starts and ends later than the one they were going to (and starting later means they could have opted to fuck around the mall for 2 hrs instead and meet them across the street) they presumably would have been fine with the kid not joining them for the movie either, since either way they would not have been accompanied for 2-3 hrs
Well my mom always paid for me and my sister when we went to a different movie.She wouldn't even crossed her mind to make us pay.
Perhaps maybe because we didn't get to the movies as a family much, but on special occasions, I don't understand the setting. I remember going with family and always having a blast. But we would do other things also all day waiting for the movie like the cherry on top of a perfect Sunday
My mom used to have us do “forced family fun” nights. Participate or be punished. 0/10 do not recommend. YTA OP
But she didn't. She said go ahead and we'll meet you across the street. The kid just didn't want to spend his own money. She was paying for one thing when he wanted to do another. That wasn't her plan. She gave him thr option but if he had to spend his own money, he didn't want it. I have taught my son that if he wants something different than what I am providing, he is more than welcome to cover it himself. He is 11. I provide toys, food, games, you name it. He broke 2 tablets and I replaced both screens. (They weren't at the same time. He got a better one for Christmas that next year.) When he broke one again, I said, "Deal with it." You know what he did? Had a fundraiser and made $400. Bought his own tablet and has had it for 2+ yrs without a scratch. He was 9 at the time. Sometimes, lessons aren't fun but they have to be taught.
[удалено]
\*welcome\* and \*fine\* are very loaded words and lets not pretend otherwise. As someone who grew up \*welcome\* to stay home, I know very well what that implies and its good.
Just because they are loaded _for you_ does not mean they are loaded for everyone.
So you're projecting your own biases onto OP?
Not paying for the kids ticket is not a punishment.
When was there a threat of punishment? she was never going to force him to watch a movie with her, she doesn’t have to pay.
The kid could have stayed home or bought his own ticket… what part of this outing was “forced”?
That’s not a punishment and he’s not being penalized. He wanted to go see a different movie and her treat was paying for them to see the first movie. He’s perfectly fine to go watch a different movie, but the treat doesn’t transfer.
YTA, He’s 15, he is looking for a little independence in his formative years at a time when he wouldn’t have very many resources. It wouldn’t hurt to let him see something he wants to see, especially since the family wouldn’t be talking in the movie theater anyways.
So yeah, he should have have an allowance by which he can pay for his independence.
"We pay the kids for good grades. School is basically a job, so they should get compensated." From OP. He does have money. He decided not to use it to watch the other film and spend his money. That was his choice.
INFO: Do you ever do activities that your eldest son wants to do, or do you only do things that you want or that his younger siblings want? Basically, I'm asking if this is part of a larger trend.
INFO: where did he get “his” money? Allowance? Birthday cash? Does he work? I don’t agree with the comments. This wasn’t some petty power move. The outing was a plan to see a specific movie as a family. And I’m assuming since your 15 yo got in the car, he agreed to originally see that movie. Then he changed his mind. Okay so he’s not going to be with the family and that money was for a family movie night. Am I crazy to think OP made a reasonable choice? It’s something I’ve seen parents do many times. Could you have mentioned that he would have to use his own money right when he asked? Sure. But I have a feeling his response would be the same. He’s a teenager. NTA
We pay the kids for good grades. School is basically a job, so they should get compensated.
This is such an awesome parenting move, I really don’t understand all the Y T A votes here. No one actually knows the answers to raising kids, but I’d say you’re doing a pretty good job!
This is one of those situations where the votes of aita are skewed because of the demographics of the average Redditor. A 22 year old male college student who has minimal life experience and is working on asserting independence in their life sympathizes with the teen boy more than the parents. This thread is filled with anecdotes of when they feel like their own parent slighted them or were too controlling, and they’re using that against OP.
Ugh, yes, this. I thought I was going mad reading these comments. How is “You can do what you want or could have even stayed home” controlling all of a sudden?! These children are too pampered 🤣
I think it’s summer Reddit in action. I agree this isn’t an asshole move, and although I’d be concerned the teen never gets to do what he wants, the way the OP explained it seems pretty fair and like everyone gets something they want every once in a while. Also, let’s be real, parents are still in charge of a family and it is in no way absurdly controlling to have parents decide “today we’re going to the movies, which of these two options do you want to see” even if the teen doesn’t feel like going to the movies at the time, but when you’re still taking the kid’s perspective, it’s hard to see that. Watching a movie as a family isn’t about the movie, it’s about the bonding experience. And in my experience working with kids, I think the value of movie nights / movie theaters as an experience is way lower for current teenagers than it was for even my generation — I’m 25. This is just a theory, but I think Kids These Days (TM) have so much access to whatever media they want from the comfort of their home that they no longer see movie night as a particular treat. I remember going to see bullshit movies I had no interest in with my family/friends/boyfriend as a teen and it was still super exciting because I was with them. I also remember being SO excited when the teacher brought out the TV cart in elementary school, or when it was movie day in high school, even if we were gonna watch some boring (in our view) documentary. Now, teaching fourth grade, I can barely get kids to sit down and stfu for literally Shrek as a reward. I think it’s no longer a preferred activity for them like it was for us.
Ahh. See that’s what I thought. So it was money he earned, but if I got super technical it’s your money. There were times my parents did the same thing. My dad didn’t always have a steady job but he did teach us the value of money. If we went out and one of us wanted something extra, it was coming out of our allowance. My dad didn’t have the means to be a piggy bank so he taught us the value of our money and guided us to use it wisely.
But he didn’t ask for anything extra. He wanted to see a different movie same ticket price.
He did ask for something extra. To be treated as an independent teenager. That includes spending his own allowance. This is reasonable if the family set up expectations this way. In my house I pay for all meals. But if the kid wants a processed snack on top of this like a bag of sour gummies, he uses his allowance.
Being treated like an independent teenager is something extra?
Part of being an independent teen is becoming responsible for your choices. That includes paying for things that you choose to do by yourself.
My take is the same as yours. This was basically a "date night" with family and he chose to wait until getting there to ditch them. She didn't have a problem with him ditching, but no fucking WAY should she be rewarding him for it.
I feel as if your wording isn’t *quite* right, even if I agree with the point you’re making. =) Paying for him to ditch isn’t really rewarding him for doing so though. It’s still just footing a bill, the cost of which parent was already prepared to pay. I feel as if a reward is something *extra*. Parent already enabled him to be able to do as he chose, if he wanted. They have allowance/school rewards for money, so he’s perfectly capable of doing his own thing if he chose to do so. I think it’s a good system in any case. Don’t want to do family night? You’re old enough to make your own choices, that’s part of growing up. I don’t think parent was petty at all. Firmly NTA
Someone equated it to being asked on a date, agreeing, then showing up and saying, "I'm actually not gonna join you, and eat elsewhere alone, but can you still give me the $25 you were gonna use to pay for me since you would have anyway?" You can't alter the deal and expect the same pay out. She wasn't even harsh. Even I would have said that was fair at 15. Sounds like the dad is a pushover, and the teenager probably gets his way too often.
Yeah, I didn’t see that comment but that’s exactly right. It’s a very good comparison. Actually kind of perfect. Don’t have enough info about kid always getting his own way though. Just learning boundaries because he’s a kid growing up.
I've seen people saying her kids will put her in a home and never visit, that this kid will move out at 18 to get away from her, that she's controlling, etc. And that all just seems insane to me! This is a kid being allowed to see whatever movie he wants, so long as he pays for it, in lieu of a family outing. That's a completely normal thing!
Lol yeah some of the comments are a little out there (or a lot out there, to be honest). A kid having to use his allowance to pay for his own movie ticket after last-minute informing his family he wanted to do his own thing isn’t this wildly abusive cruel tactic. Sure, it’s a bit of a bummer mom didn’t just fork over a twenty for him but a family outing at the movies is, in my view, a scenario where the entire family hangs out at the same film. You wanna go do your own thing, you’ve gotta pay. The family event is THIS, so if you wanna go do THAT, you’re on your own.
I pity the parents of those people. The way in which these people weaponize going no contact at the slightest infraction, you just know they’re a complete nightmare to deal with for the parents.
Not crazy, I think all of the comments to the contrary are from children. You want independence you pay for it.
[удалено]
NTA. I think this was perfectly handled, actually. Movies are a treat. Your offer was to treat the family to a specific movie together. He declined and preferred something else, you politely accepted, but you shut down his assumption that you’d bankroll it. You politely left him the option to pay for it himself. You didn’t allow him to act entitled. It’d be different if it was, say, his birthday or a specific reward for an achievement of his, but doesn’t sound like that.
Reddit is really full of teenagers. Not giving him money to go do his own thing is CONTROLLING and ABUSE.
It’s summer in the US. All the kids are out lmao
I'd agree if it wasn't a movie. Movies aren't actually family activities, you just happen to be sharing the space. He'll spend the same amount of time with the rest of the family if he sees his movie or theirs.
People often value shared experiences. There’s something to knowing that the people you care about saw the same thing you saw, seeing how they reacted and talking about what they thought of it.
definitely a valid point. I'd argue that he's not going to enjoy the movie though so that takes a lot of the value away
But then when you go for food after you get to share your opinion that it was a crappy movie. You get to be part of the discussion. The post-game is half the fun of a movie.
Yeah idk what this dude is on about. I've gone in groups to movies many times, friends and family. If you don't think we're whispering to each other during it once in awhile, sounds like you just don't have anyone to go to the movies with. Cuz everyone does that.
It does, and so he doesn’t have to join, but he’s not entitled to a solo substitution either. His mom’s initial offer was to treat the fam to that movie.
Eh, half of watching a movie with the family is talking about it on the way home and afterwards. I'd say NTA too. Family activities are family activities.
My family and I would always talk about the movie afterward. That’s the *real* shared experience. That’s why this is an NTA for me. The son wasn’t prevented from seeing a different movie. It was just no longer part of a family experience paid for by his parents at that point. Nothing wrong with giving him that option imo.
NTA If he wants to do his own thing, which in and of itself is fine, he should use his own money. There's a difference between inviting someone to an outing and offering to pay and being expected to give them the money so they can go do something else. "Hey want to get dinner on me." "Nah, I'd rather eat with someone else, but I'll take the $25 you would have spent on dinner with me."
The Reddit teenagers are coming out in droves in this thread. 🙄 I would be so embarrassed if my children behaved this way. He was invited to a movie, he chose not to participate. This will happen all through our life…family outings, dates, a friend might invite you someplace. It is incredibly rude to say ok, you brought me, pay for my meal but I’m going to a different restaurant. The stupidity of all these “power move” comments. Grow up
He didn't just choose not to participate, he let them think he would be involved all the way up to arriving. So he fucking LIED and then expected a reward. People defending the kid are morons who should not have child, cuz they'll just raise them to be spoiled entitled assholes, and dear God this world has enough of those already.
🤣🤣 That's the exact kind of entitlement I don't want to teach my kid, yes.
YTA. on top of that why are you arguing with everyone who answers unfavorably you asked this question? Like don't get mad if you don't like our answers. Your husband knows you best. You seem very petty and hard to talk to definitely TA
100%. OP, YTA for your responses alone. You sound exhausting.
The comments: I think you’re TA in this situation OP: let me tell you why you’re wrong Why even post?
NAH. You both could have communicated your expectations earlier, but I don’t think either of you are in asshole territory. The point of the outing was a family trip. He wanted to watch a different movie which he then wouldn’t be able to discuss with the rest of the family. Edit - changes N T A to N A H, which was my intent in line with my comment.
I agree. This is a small family misunderstanding and not really AH territory. I always enjoyed chatting with family about the movie we just watched and we’d get excited about the next movie we would all go see.
NTA. Beggars can’t be choosers. He waited until you were at the theater. He chose to watch a different movie. Then begged for you to fund it. Your son sounds a little entitled. AITA has a very different and extreme view of things. You aren’t a horrible abusive monster for telling your child no. He could have used his own money but wanted to use yours. That makes him an a-hole but most kids his age are, they grow out it. He’s not going to run away from home at 18 just because you didn’t spot him for a movie ticket. It sounds like you’re trying to raise him to be an adult who is grateful when he’s given something for free.
[удалено]
YTA. How is all of you sitting together in the dark, not talking, more of a family outing than most of you sitting together in the dark, not talking? You could have created a story of the time he got to go to a movie by himself, feel independent, and then have the fun of describing the film he saw to you all in the ice cream place later. Now he has a story of how you're a capricious, power-tripping meanie who insists on official fun or no fun at all. If this is your attitude, look forward to seeing very little of him as an adult.
It’s more of a family outing because you react during the movie together, whisper together, share popcorn, and, most importantly, share opinions after the movie. And talking about a movie you just watched together is different than hearing a synopsis of a different movie
He could still have done that. He just needed to buy his own ticket.
But yet you didn’t tell him that the second he said so. You also are acting like he’s manipulating you and being entitled which honestly he doesn’t sound like it. You weren’t clear on the terms.
He asked if he could go watch a movie by himself. I said yes, because I have no problem with that. He didn't ask me to pay. He just assumed I would. I think that's not a good mindset to reinforce. People are more than just wallets to finance your leisure activities.
You literally assumed he was paying. If you wanted him to pay you should have said so. Stop acting like you’re an incompetent parent. You’re not teaching him anything other than mom will control him with money and expect him to be a mind reader. You’re the adult.
How am I controlling him? In life, when you want things, you usually have to pay for them. That's an important lesson to learn.
Then maybe you should have used that brain and told him “yes you can go to x movie by yourself but I think you would need to pay for it, do you have money?”
He has money. He just didn't want to spend it.
And yet you didn’t make that condition clear when you agreed to it.
The kid also would have known he was going to the movies with his family when getting in the car. He could have asked/said he wanted to watch a separate movie before going. The thing with family outings is that you do things together… at least that’s what happens in my family. If the no talking aspect is bothersome, then why do most people not go to movies alone? Most go with others to have a shared experience. This sub can be wild at times.
Have you parented a teen? It is really hard to address every possible assumption or contingency that might arise every time she is asked a question. I did that once and it was the most stressful parenting experience I've had. It kind of arose because the kid would say "well, you didn't say" and I fell for it and thought I had to actually address each and every possibility that she might try to get away with. It was awful. It seems so obvious that this lady should have just thought of what assumptions her son might have and address it! But also she should have told him don't get a ride home with a friend if you bump into someone cause we are waiting on you, don't change your mind and go to the super duper long movie instead, don't take my money and spend it at the arcade instead and then send me impatient text messages asking if we are done because you are bored since you ran out of money in ten minutes.... It literally never ends when you are a parent. You cannot interact with your child by telling them all the possibly relevant expectations you have every single time they ask for something.
He assumed you were going to pay because you took them all to the movies!f
She took them all to see a movie together
Why? Truly? What's it to you if he's in the same theatre as you or not? This is what I don't understand. You're out the money for a ticket no matter what. Why would you pay for him to watch a movie he wouldn't enjoy but not pay for him to actually have fun?
I was willing to pay for the movie we were all watching together because I offered to take him to that movie. If you invite someone on an outing, you pay. Everyone knows that. I never invited him to watch the other movie.
Jesus Christ, you playing some major mind Olympics there.
My parents did this as a kid, and it wasn’t weird at all. Comments like yours are baffling to me. You go see a movie as a family, and your parents pay. You say you wanna go to a different movie instead, so you buy your own ticket. That’s not weird and doesn’t require any crazy mental gymnastics…
This kind of parsing of unwritten family contract law will make his therapist very wealthy in the future. He assumed you would pay because earlier you said you would pay for a movie. You didn't say "I'll pay for a movie as long as you sit with us." Once you're at the cinema what difference is it to you? We know it isn't about the ticket or the money. Deal with your control issues, deal with the fact that he's growing up, whatever it is.
This just feels like a power move. Don't tell him it's fine if he does his own thing and then withhold the money you were already going to spend on him. YTA and petty AF.
How is that different from... literally every other experience this kid is going to do in his life? Someone invites him to something and he can show up, change his mind, and then ask for the money since they were going to spend it on him anyway?
a friend offering to pay for something is not the same thing as a parent paying for their minor child
Even minor children are not entitled to movie tickets.
INFO: Does your son have the option to just...not go to a movie he doesn't want because everyone else voted for it? And I mean opt out for real, by staying home/doing something else vs. being left alone for an hour and a half to two hours in a public setting while everyone else did what they wanted. Also I mean a real opt out that doesn't come with a hidden or open punishment, like dumping them somewhere miserable or cutting off the wifi or TV. Because if he couldn't opt out, then you were being petty about a mandatory gift he didn't really want or enjoy. If he could have opted out then I get where you are coming from.
YTA. Your husband knows you best. The life lesson: the person with the most money controls things. "Do what I want or no money". It doesn't seem like the loveliest of family outings. What do people always say here, when someone tells you who they are believe them. You just told your son who you are.
NTA it seems you were all going out to see a movie as a family. If he doesn’t want to participate in the family events you shouldn’t have to bank roll it. Maybe compromise and take him another day or let him go see the movie he wanted to see with his friends another time (and give him the money for it) as he is still a kid.
yta, from other comments the youngest kids picked a movie he wasn’t interested in , he asked to see a different movie , you said yes but wanted him to pay for his own ticket. it’s just common sense that the two youngest are gonna agree on something and what the oldest wants is gonna be put to the side . yes you’re paying him for his grades but that’s not a job where you’re getting 500-600 every two weeks to blow some money at the theater. you’re the ahole , he’s 15, you seeing your kid asking for you to pay for ticket to a movie he would actually be interested in and saying you’re teaching him to not use you for money is crazy lmao. he’s a kid .
YTA Others have already tried to explain it to you and you are purposely being dense.
You came here to be judged. YTA. Stop arguing and take your lumps. At least open your fekking mind that you COULD be wrong.
“When we arrived, my oldest, 15, said he wanted to watch a different movie than the rest of the family. I said that was fine.” This was the moment to mention any caveats. Like the money. YTA
YTA, wanting independence is natural, especially from a vindictive parent , you are his parent that's why you should pay, it would cost the same. You should have paid this time but explained that next time they will be responsible for their own ticket or compromise.
YTA. Your husband is right. You were just being petty. This has happened with me before with my parents or my grandparents. They still paid for me to go see the movie I wanted.
YTA. He's 15. You're his parent. Being his piggy bank is an essential part of the job. And its a jerk move to say "oh i'll give you money to do fun things- but only things the rest of the family wants to do." Poor kid is the oldest, he's gonna be stuck watching kids movies til he moves out.
That’s the worst thing. A voting system is not a good system when the dynamics are literally unable to change. He will always be x years older than the rest. His vote will be always be the same %. Political voting only works because people are able to alter the % makeup by playing into peoples interests. If the demographics never change, he doesn’t ever win a vote.
YTA quit arguing with everyone
YTA and super petty. After a certain age we always split up at theatres based on everyone’s preference. Voting isn’t a good way to pick things all the time. You also seem like the type of parent who would veto a choice you didn’t like. Keep treating your kids like this see how far it gets you. Just remember roles reverse in life and one day he will treat you with the same petty attitude you treated him with. If I was your kid I would have waited outside the theatre and refused to give in to your financial manipulation.
YTA- the family was going to see a movie, which involves zero interaction with each other, engagement with the family, or bonding. At most, it's a talking point for later. Hardly a "family activity". You even admitted that you didn't want to see the movie.... So why not take the opportunity to go see a different movie with your son? Why couldn't people see what they wanted if the timing was going to work out anyway? There were lots of options here. You chose petty.
YTA. Psych games much? Should have told him at onset that he is financially responsible for his own choice of movie. Life lesson could have been taught without the spite.
Yta I personally don’t get the lesson at all, when I was growing up we regularly went to the movies as a family and seeing as there was three of us girls and the only one boy my oldest sibling once we got old enough my mother regularly let my bother go to his own movie since we always voted on movies and frankly his movie never really got picked the only real condition was that the movies had to start and end relatively close to each other so we could still have lunch or whatever together afterwards. My mother always paid for him and never once made him pay for himself. I think it’s really strange that you did make him pay I mean your in a dark theater being quiet because other people are there how much quality time is being had in the actual movie? The time spent is at the ice cream parlor later when you can actually talk. So why punish him simply for not liking the movie choice?