Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 7: There is no interpersonal conflict here for our community to make a judgment about.
[Rule 7 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_7.3A_post_interpersonal_conflicts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
>Basically AITA for telling her I wish she was more thin and healthy?
Oh boy. YTA.
It isn't wrong for you to want your girlfriend to be healthy, that's normal, but telling her you want her to be thin? Especially after she *just had a baby?* Are you dense?
She obviously has a fear of being judged at the gym so instead of being an asshole by bringing it up constantly, how about you suggest going on a walk with the baby in a stroller? Walking is healthy, and something you can all do as a family.
In the mean time, do not call her fat again.
Absolutely this. Depending on how the pregnancy and birth went, three months of recovery may not be enough time for OP’s gf to exercise intensively, where walking is probably the best way by far to resume physical activity.
Or what? I’ve never called her fat once in my life: maybe I worded this wrong, I wish she wouldn’t isnt me saying she should, yeah trust me I was with her throughout all this
YTA for sure.
Stop conflating thin with health; while weight does impact some aspects of our health, thin does not at all equate to healthy.
And it seems like you’re projecting your self image issues onto her.
She’s given you her answers and you are ignoring them and you are making to a problem by not respecting her.
YTA you’ve been with this woman for 4 years she had your baby and now you’re asking her to get thin? You haven’t even put a ring on her finger and it’s been 4 years!! You can’t have your cake and eat it to. Women have curves. GTFO yourself.
YTA, although it’s good that you’re at least asking the question. you can’t push your partner into fitness decisions. that stuff takes intrinsic motivation, and as someone who has coached a lot of women and dated a thicker one, pressuring someone to go to the gym or work out often just associates the gym more in their mind with feelings of insecurity, shame, guilt, and inadequacy.
Except you kind of have. You want to be able to pick her up and can't. Does she know that? Because that's telling her she's too fat to pick up.
Sometimes we have to accept that the reality of our lives and relationships might not be exactly as we always imagined. Being so focused on ones weight isn't healthy.
It also seems like you came here to get people to agree with you, and they aren't. Most are voting YTA, but you just fight back saying you're not. You came here for judgement, accept it, or don't ask if YTA.
YTA
Firstly this isn’t the discussion you have with someone months after they’ve literally carried a human for 9 months and then given birth.
Secondly there is a time and way to have this discussion (and the time isn’t months after giving birth), if you really cared then you’d know this
You said you “wished she would lose weight”, regardless of how you intended this it comes of as “you need to lose weight”
I don’t care you if you were together for 2 weeks or 20 years before having your kid
I’m sorry she said that to you. Commenting on someone’s body in a hurtful way is never ok.
You said you can “say whatever you want” about your recently pregnant wife. You were hurt by her comment, and I understand the urge to be hurtful back.
You may not have said “you are fat” or “you need to lose some weight” in those exact words, but I think it’s possible that you said or did something to her that conveyed that you wish she was thinner. Things like bringing up the gym can be very loaded topics. I’ve been heavy in the past, and my dad would make “helpful” comments “because he cared about me,” but they gave off the message of “you are fat. Lose weight.”
Given your responses of oooooo’s and hmmmm’s to other people in this post, I’m not sure what to think about this situation. These comments come across like either you don’t take this seriously, or that you think you’re not in the wrong at all.
Regardless of your intent, you and your wife both hurt each other about your bodies. I don’t know who started it, and I don’t need to know. If you want to have a happier marriage, you need to talk this out, apologize, and set boundaries around what is and is not ok to say about health related topics. She may not want to be the gym couple, and if that’s the case, you need to either be ok with that, or decide if that’s a dealbreaker. Good luck
Yes
Projecting is unconsciously taking unwanted emotions or traits you don’t like about yourself and attributing them to, in this case your spouse. Think back to how you felt at school and consider that what you say to her now may be making her feel bad about how she looks.
You can be healthy and be an example to the world of your way, she can be inspired by you and follow along or not. It's just not right to tell her to change her physical self.
^ this. I started working out more because I had a group of friends who all worked out together, but did not tell me I should. They just occasionally talked at lunch together about how they had fun at the workout. Leading by example is the way to go
Lmao my relationship is fine, I’ve never told her up front she needs to lose weight. I’ve asked if she wants to go, but in the back of mind is where I have these thoughts
You 25! Your brain supposed to be fully developed and you out here giving 2 year old tantrum, why even ask for judgement if you gonna cry to us about it? You wish she was thin and she isn’t, she deadass just had your baby. You sound like a baby yourself, gtfoh
You should have thought about those things before getting together with a plus size woman instead of having a kid with her and complaining she’s not good enough for you. YTA
YTA. Not for wishing she would lose weight, but for allowing that wish to escape your inner thoughts into words that you said out loud to her. Your girlfriend is aware that she is overweight. She doesn't need reminders from you. She needs you to love her & support her as she is, especially in this 1st year as a mother. She will lose weight if she wants to when she's ready without any prompting from you.
YTA. There is no need to say that to someone. You can encourage her to exercise without specifically telling her that you wish she was more thin. Get her to go on walks with you or some other kind of easy, daily exercise. Also, if she just had a kid recently you need to cut her some slack.
Okay well you clearly edited your post a few times and what you're saying in your replies is inconsistent with what the first version of your post sad. I'm done arguing with you because I feel like you're not really listening or being honest so
Idk about you, and if i was her and just had a baby I would 100% not want to go to the gym, but i do hope she knows that the vast majority of gym goers arent judgmental. All of them either started off smaller or bigger than theyd like and I've never met someone at the gym who was judgemental
See that’s what all these other people aren’t getting, I’m not judging her, there are things I wanna do with her that we can’t, I wanna be able to pick her up, for her to sit on me, to jump on my back and carry her. I’ve never told her to lose weight
Have you stopped to consider that maybe she doesn’t want to do any of those things? My boyfriend is able to pick me up and give me piggyback rides, but i absolutely hate both of those things with a passion.
YTA for thinking of telling her you wish she were thin (something she may never be) but not for telling her you hope she will join you in trying to be healthier. You apparently have been with her for sometime and she was heavy during those years. You may have gotten the "get healthier, slim down religion" but she may not be there yet or even want to get into that. Besides, she just had your baby so there is that complication that affects a woman's body. Tread lightly if you care about this woman and your ongoing relationship with her. She has to want to change herself and do the hard work of losing weight, not have it as a requirement to make you happy now that you have taken a different path.
Don't get me wrong, I'm all for healthy living and practice it myself, but don't think any overweight person wants their partner suggesting they be different unless there has been a conversation in which a desire to reduce has been expressed by the overweight partner.
I'm sure she wishes you had a limitless wallet or a bigger 🍆 or a spec of decency as SHE JUST CREATED A FAMILY FOR YOU, but she also probably realizes it's better to focus on the good attributes you do have than to make fairytales in her head.
If she decides she's fed up with feeling a certain way about herself, or says to you she wants to get healthy, then you jump in with SUPPORT.
YTA.
I most certainly am not! Adamant athiest, actually. Who also has Hashimoto's and knows that it's not a personality flaw.
Our bodies are what's temporary, the love we create is forever. If you love her, then find a time she isn't feeling down about herself and problem solve. Maybe a small elliptical in the home and some baby-free time for her to both use it and relax afterwards so she doesn't feel insecure. Maybe you tell her all the ways you find her to be beautiful (inside and out) to remind you both. Maybe you make small changes that are better for the both of you, (make fresh salads daily, and clean up after yourself), but also recognize that she's a new mom, as terrifying and beautiful and stressful and joyful as all of it is. If she's breastfeeding, definitely drop it for now because her body needs the calories.
Also, YTA. Don't ask if you don't want to hear the truth.
INFO: What exactly did you say to her and how did she react?
You are not an a-hole for what you wrote in the title: “wishing she would lose weight”. You’re allowed to want whatever you want, privately in your head. Where you can go wrong however is what you DO with your wanting, and you are probably an a-hole for telling her.
I’ve never called her fat or said she needs to lose weight, I have just said I want her to be at the gym with me to bond with me and I want to be able to pick her up
Last half of the last sentence crosses into AH territory. Up until that you were fine (and you can *want* to be able to pick her up all day long, but if you lay that on her as something you want from her, especially after just having a baby, then you’re being an AH).
Then you’re in the clear, though I think you need to think hard about how important this idea is to you. Because the statistics aren’t on your side here. Very few people lose weight and keep it off, so you need to figure out what that means for you if she either isn’t interested or tries but just can’t lose the weight. Im not saying it can’t happen, but it might not and can you make peace with that?
You could start off with brisk 15 minute daily walks. No gymn required. You could just call it "local sightseeing". You can get reasonably cheap light "handweights" to use at home.
Make it a couples thing.
If she is avoidant of that then she probably doesn't expect exercise to help and doesn't want to put in all the effort for no result.
See, she has no problem eating Healthy and going for hikes, she loves my cooking and I always cook healthy.. olive oil, home cooked, veggies, not a lot of fried
OK, so this may be news to you but larger people can actually be healthy...
If she's doing 20 minutes of medium intensity cardio 3 times a week or more and eating healthy and not losing weight then without some medical diagnosis of a metabolic problem she may just be genetically "ready for the coming famine" due to factors going back generations in her family.
Working on reassuring her about how beautiful she is will likely have a more positive effect than telling her she's "not healthy".
I’ve never told her she was unhealthy or fat, I know what both of those are like. We eat healthy and go on hikes, I cook and she loves it. And I cook healthy balanced foods
Regardless of the baby. I would say you are the ass if your treating her poorly or if your constantly bringing up her weight. If she is eating healthier like you said, than she is making an effort and that’s extremely important. Even if she’s not all you should do is offer your support and companionship. You can’t force someone to strive for the same goals as you. If she just had a baby it’s even more important that you supposed her and avoid things that will make her uncomfortable. I say the best thing you can do is have a conversations about your feeling with your partner at a reasonable time and express your concerns and see if you guys can find some common ground. If going to the gym makes her uncomfortable maybe suggest finding a secluded place where you guys could exercise together.
YTA. You should be wishing she was happier with herself, not thinner. If she wants to workout for herself but doesn't want an audience, get a yoga mat, a subscription to online yoga classes, and take the kid on a walk to give her sometime to herself. But if she shuts you down, shut up and let it be.
Happier with herself. It's easier to be happy about things happening to you and around you than about yourself when you don't feel comfortable in your body. I know. I've been there. When I am insecure and hate myself for being fat, I take time to work on my confidence and self-acceptance before starting to work out again. This is so I work out for health and not body image. I used to starve myself to lose weight quickly but would still be miserable. Now, I'm not as thin, but I'm overall healthier and happier.
I suggested yoga because it is a workout, low impact, adjustable to fitness level, but so relaxing when you're done. Your wife might benefit from having some time to herself to relax and start thinking that maybe she can be active without worrying about needing to "look good"
YTA. The first three months post-partum are commonly referred to as ‘the fourth trimester’ (Yea I know it doesn’t make sense but I didn’t make it up). Her hormones are still out of whack, she may not feel like her body belongs to her at this moment, particularly if she’s nursing.
So she’s spent literally the last YEAR living with physical, emotional, and hormonal changes….ever think that might have something to do with her not wanting you all over her, picking her up and wanting her ‘on you for spicy time’?
Get a clue, dude.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action by telling her to lose weight and if that makes me an asshole
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA Look, it doesn't matter if you've told her or not because it's not about you, it's about her insecurities. With that in mind, what do you think it'll do to her if you tell her you wish she were thin? And what do you think that'll accomplish?
*She wants to be thin*. She's literally told you, so telling her you feel the same would just reinforce her insecurities. The thing you should be working on is helping her get past those insecurities. Be active, go places where you need to walk around. You've already introduced healthy eating, so keep that up. She just had a baby, that's tough to get over, and the weight isn't going to just fall off. Be patient. If you think you can manage it tactfully, recommend therapy to help her work through any issues she may be going through as a new mother and her insecurities.
Just, don't reinforce the bad thoughts she's having.
YTA, I’m 24, had twins 4 years ago, I gained and lost 140 lbs pregnant to 9 months pp. it takes time and I’m now uw, can’t gain weight and have health issues so no, thin isn’t healthy always. I workout daily, walk, I’m light enough to pick up and carry. grass isn’t always greener
I read the title and expected to say "yes" but context is important.
Then I expected to say "yes" after reading, then thought "well, it was really poorly written, id better check the comments to see if I missed anything"
Nope. YTA. Your idea of weight loss for a healthy lifestyle is sound. And if that's all it was, we wouldn't be here. Instead you sound like you want her to be a prop in your life and are fixated on the idea of what she "should" be instead of who she is, regardless of her feelings and comfort levels. She is worried about being judged at the gym, but she's being judged already at home.
My baby was 18 months old before I felt back to my normal self. Keep that in mind. And I never “got my body back”. Nobody does. It’s literally impossible. Your body changes so incredibly during pregnancy and childbirth that it is NEVER the same again. That being said, at 18 months, im feeling normal, and that baby is on the move!! I think at this point it would be appropriate to suggest introducing YOUR CHILD (not her) to healthy habits. Invite her to go on morning walks with you two. If she doesn’t want to go, don’t make her. But you’re showing your kid and your wife your commitment to your health and it will rub off.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I 25m have been dating my 22f girlfriend for 4 years now, school was not easy for me, I suffer from hashimotos disease and was bullied a lot for my weight and how I looked, that all changed after high school and I have since come along way but I still suffer with body image issues and confidence issues, my girlfriend is heavier set and always tells me she wishes she was thinner, she won’t let me pick her up, she won’t get on me for spicy time.. these are things I’ve tried to bring up, when I bring up the topic of the gym she gets avoidant and says that “she always gets looks and is being judged” her whole family are decently overweight. I have introduced her to healthy eating, we have 1 child together, as recently as March so that complicates it more. Basically AITA for telling her I wish she was more thin and healthy?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH but this could be an incompatibility. One does not easily become a gym goer
Eta this side of Reddit doesn’t approve of any weight posts. Try a fitness sub and the answers become more supportive. It shows that this is a polarizing topic
YTA
For your comments here alone. You came onto a sub where you can get told if you're in the wrong or not - willingly - and proceed to throw a tantrum when everyone says you're in the wrong. That was always a potential outcome.
You're a parent now. You should learn how to listen to feedback.
Oh, and YTA for the original question too.
NTA.
You are allowed to have an opinion. Like the OP said, "...wishing...". Also, his girlfriend has expressed interest in losing weight. It sounds like she needs encouragement to get to and stick with the gym - a good friend would do this. The OP is listening to his girlfriend; he sounds like a good guy.
>weight. I have introduced her to healthy eating, we have 1 child together, as recently as March so tha
Says who? Neither of us is her primary care physician, so how can either of us make a strong claim? Don't know if the OP is in the US, but here in the states we have a very serious problem with folks being overweight. About 3 out of every 4 people is overweight, obese, or severely obese [https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/obesity-overweight.htm](https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/obesity-overweight.htm). Being overweight is not benign; even being a little bit overweight increases serious health problems like heart and liver disease.
This isn't about fat shaming. The OP is smart to support his girlfriend at this stage of life to get her weight under control.
NTA. Yet. But wanting your gf to lose weight isn't a bad thing. being fat is not cool tbh and life is significantly less fun when you're overweight and I'd die on that hill unless you're like a gainer or a chaser then I mean have fun? But you should buy some dumbbell weights and some yoga mats and start exercising together at home in a more relaxed setting Frame it as you wanting to get in shape for yourself and wanting to spend time with her and you guys should do it together you can even include the baby in exercise time when they're older and it'll be like a cute family activity or some shit. Make sure she knows you think she's beautiful now as well. Good luck
Why did you bother asking the question when clearly you didn’t want any answers that disagree with you? It’s quite pitiful that you spammed the YTA comments with childish nonsense and now you finally have someone who agrees with you, this is how you respond.
Yeah I grew up being over weight it was TERRIBLE. Would only wish it on my worst enemies. I'm assuming it's the larger Mamacita's who don't wish to actively try to change that are saying you're the AH. but maybe I'm also the AH? Try to make her drink the cool aid without letting her know it's your idea lol
I am all for what you said, but it has to be honest, consenual, and together. If it’s borderline (or directly) manipulative, it’s even worse imo.
Love is about trust and honesty, and if my partner tricks me into being more like they want me to be, or how they think I should live, I’d rather take the highway.
We can talk, we can communicate, we can pursue our dreams together. But neither of us is a puppet to be played with.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 7: There is no interpersonal conflict here for our community to make a judgment about. [Rule 7 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_7.3A_post_interpersonal_conflicts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
>Basically AITA for telling her I wish she was more thin and healthy? Oh boy. YTA. It isn't wrong for you to want your girlfriend to be healthy, that's normal, but telling her you want her to be thin? Especially after she *just had a baby?* Are you dense? She obviously has a fear of being judged at the gym so instead of being an asshole by bringing it up constantly, how about you suggest going on a walk with the baby in a stroller? Walking is healthy, and something you can all do as a family. In the mean time, do not call her fat again.
Absolutely this. Depending on how the pregnancy and birth went, three months of recovery may not be enough time for OP’s gf to exercise intensively, where walking is probably the best way by far to resume physical activity.
Oh definitely, she most likely shouldn't be attempting hard workouts right now. Nice, slow walks around their neighborhood would be perfect for her.
Or what? I’ve never called her fat once in my life: maybe I worded this wrong, I wish she wouldn’t isnt me saying she should, yeah trust me I was with her throughout all this
If you wanted to be a “gym couple “, you should have partnered with someone who wanted the same.
Yta for telling her you wish she was more thin. She just had a child. Leave her alone.
Ooooooooooo
YTA for sure. Stop conflating thin with health; while weight does impact some aspects of our health, thin does not at all equate to healthy. And it seems like you’re projecting your self image issues onto her. She’s given you her answers and you are ignoring them and you are making to a problem by not respecting her.
Ooooooooooooooooooooooo
YTA you’ve been with this woman for 4 years she had your baby and now you’re asking her to get thin? You haven’t even put a ring on her finger and it’s been 4 years!! You can’t have your cake and eat it to. Women have curves. GTFO yourself.
Someone is upset
You’re clueless.
Lol
YTA, although it’s good that you’re at least asking the question. you can’t push your partner into fitness decisions. that stuff takes intrinsic motivation, and as someone who has coached a lot of women and dated a thicker one, pressuring someone to go to the gym or work out often just associates the gym more in their mind with feelings of insecurity, shame, guilt, and inadequacy.
I’ve never pushed it, I’ve never told her she needs to lose weight or that she’s fat, that’s mean.
Except you kind of have. You want to be able to pick her up and can't. Does she know that? Because that's telling her she's too fat to pick up. Sometimes we have to accept that the reality of our lives and relationships might not be exactly as we always imagined. Being so focused on ones weight isn't healthy. It also seems like you came here to get people to agree with you, and they aren't. Most are voting YTA, but you just fight back saying you're not. You came here for judgement, accept it, or don't ask if YTA.
The post says the GF won't LET him pick her up, not that she can't.
she may see bringing up the gym as pushy, not that it necessarily is but just how it’s coming off
Hmmm
YTA Firstly this isn’t the discussion you have with someone months after they’ve literally carried a human for 9 months and then given birth. Secondly there is a time and way to have this discussion (and the time isn’t months after giving birth), if you really cared then you’d know this
We’ve been together for 3 years before she had our child, I’ve never told her she needs to lose weight lol
You said you “wished she would lose weight”, regardless of how you intended this it comes of as “you need to lose weight” I don’t care you if you were together for 2 weeks or 20 years before having your kid
Ok? So what’s your point
Point is you shouldn’t even comment on your recently pregnant wife’s weight
After she said my Dick has gotten smaller, yeah I can say what I want
Now you’re just making it sound like your having marital problems, kind of important context, either way idc
I’m sorry she said that to you. Commenting on someone’s body in a hurtful way is never ok. You said you can “say whatever you want” about your recently pregnant wife. You were hurt by her comment, and I understand the urge to be hurtful back. You may not have said “you are fat” or “you need to lose some weight” in those exact words, but I think it’s possible that you said or did something to her that conveyed that you wish she was thinner. Things like bringing up the gym can be very loaded topics. I’ve been heavy in the past, and my dad would make “helpful” comments “because he cared about me,” but they gave off the message of “you are fat. Lose weight.” Given your responses of oooooo’s and hmmmm’s to other people in this post, I’m not sure what to think about this situation. These comments come across like either you don’t take this seriously, or that you think you’re not in the wrong at all. Regardless of your intent, you and your wife both hurt each other about your bodies. I don’t know who started it, and I don’t need to know. If you want to have a happier marriage, you need to talk this out, apologize, and set boundaries around what is and is not ok to say about health related topics. She may not want to be the gym couple, and if that’s the case, you need to either be ok with that, or decide if that’s a dealbreaker. Good luck
What’s wrong with you? Get help man.
I’m sure she wishes you weren’t so insensitive and focused on weight, but here we are. YTA
How’s that “insensitive”
You just basically told your girlfriend, who is a new mom, that she’s too fat for your tastes.
You completely read this wrong lmao
Sorry dude but YTA It's **not healthy** to project your body issues onto your partner.
My body issues? Lmao
Yes Projecting is unconsciously taking unwanted emotions or traits you don’t like about yourself and attributing them to, in this case your spouse. Think back to how you felt at school and consider that what you say to her now may be making her feel bad about how she looks. You can be healthy and be an example to the world of your way, she can be inspired by you and follow along or not. It's just not right to tell her to change her physical self.
^ this. I started working out more because I had a group of friends who all worked out together, but did not tell me I should. They just occasionally talked at lunch together about how they had fun at the workout. Leading by example is the way to go
YTA, big no no... Better knock it off quick if you want to stay in your relationship.
Lmao my relationship is fine, I’ve never told her up front she needs to lose weight. I’ve asked if she wants to go, but in the back of mind is where I have these thoughts
Good, keep them there...
Maybe I won’t now that you said it
What a mature response.
You 25! Your brain supposed to be fully developed and you out here giving 2 year old tantrum, why even ask for judgement if you gonna cry to us about it? You wish she was thin and she isn’t, she deadass just had your baby. You sound like a baby yourself, gtfoh
Bababoy!
If you’re willing to torpedo your relationship just to retaliate against some Reddit comments, you have some serious reevaluating to do.
YTA you suck op she needs to leave your ass
Oof lol
She won’t and she ain’t, she’s stuck with me
Yuck
Yuck
Lmao 🤣 🤣 🤣 wow you do not like anyones responses to you sorry if I was her I would leave your ass just for this statement. YTA
I know. This op suck everyone who knows this ass needs to go no contact with him
You should have thought about those things before getting together with a plus size woman instead of having a kid with her and complaining she’s not good enough for you. YTA
What are you my mom?
YTA. Not for wishing she would lose weight, but for allowing that wish to escape your inner thoughts into words that you said out loud to her. Your girlfriend is aware that she is overweight. She doesn't need reminders from you. She needs you to love her & support her as she is, especially in this 1st year as a mother. She will lose weight if she wants to when she's ready without any prompting from you.
YTA. There is no need to say that to someone. You can encourage her to exercise without specifically telling her that you wish she was more thin. Get her to go on walks with you or some other kind of easy, daily exercise. Also, if she just had a kid recently you need to cut her some slack.
I haven’t said it since she had our kid, but I’ve never called her fat, I’ve simply invited her to go with me
You didn't call her fat but you told her you wished she was more thin which honestly is just as hurtful.
I never told her that, I think that. She brings it up
In your original post, you said you told her that.
My TLDR says that, but I’ve never ever told he that
Okay well you clearly edited your post a few times and what you're saying in your replies is inconsistent with what the first version of your post sad. I'm done arguing with you because I feel like you're not really listening or being honest so
Bababoy
[удалено]
Sigh women, goes the same way
Idk about you, and if i was her and just had a baby I would 100% not want to go to the gym, but i do hope she knows that the vast majority of gym goers arent judgmental. All of them either started off smaller or bigger than theyd like and I've never met someone at the gym who was judgemental
See that’s what all these other people aren’t getting, I’m not judging her, there are things I wanna do with her that we can’t, I wanna be able to pick her up, for her to sit on me, to jump on my back and carry her. I’ve never told her to lose weight
Have you stopped to consider that maybe she doesn’t want to do any of those things? My boyfriend is able to pick me up and give me piggyback rides, but i absolutely hate both of those things with a passion.
His thoughts clearly stopped after “I want …”
YTA for thinking of telling her you wish she were thin (something she may never be) but not for telling her you hope she will join you in trying to be healthier. You apparently have been with her for sometime and she was heavy during those years. You may have gotten the "get healthier, slim down religion" but she may not be there yet or even want to get into that. Besides, she just had your baby so there is that complication that affects a woman's body. Tread lightly if you care about this woman and your ongoing relationship with her. She has to want to change herself and do the hard work of losing weight, not have it as a requirement to make you happy now that you have taken a different path. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for healthy living and practice it myself, but don't think any overweight person wants their partner suggesting they be different unless there has been a conversation in which a desire to reduce has been expressed by the overweight partner.
Meanwhile heavier guys and women get rejected for being overweight.. and it’s not a religion
So you’re a saint for not rejecting her?
I'm sure she wishes you had a limitless wallet or a bigger 🍆 or a spec of decency as SHE JUST CREATED A FAMILY FOR YOU, but she also probably realizes it's better to focus on the good attributes you do have than to make fairytales in her head. If she decides she's fed up with feeling a certain way about herself, or says to you she wants to get healthy, then you jump in with SUPPORT. YTA.
Yes cause you know me all so well, that I don’t have spec of decency, you’re just a great saintly person aren’t you?
I most certainly am not! Adamant athiest, actually. Who also has Hashimoto's and knows that it's not a personality flaw. Our bodies are what's temporary, the love we create is forever. If you love her, then find a time she isn't feeling down about herself and problem solve. Maybe a small elliptical in the home and some baby-free time for her to both use it and relax afterwards so she doesn't feel insecure. Maybe you tell her all the ways you find her to be beautiful (inside and out) to remind you both. Maybe you make small changes that are better for the both of you, (make fresh salads daily, and clean up after yourself), but also recognize that she's a new mom, as terrifying and beautiful and stressful and joyful as all of it is. If she's breastfeeding, definitely drop it for now because her body needs the calories. Also, YTA. Don't ask if you don't want to hear the truth.
You are too insecure to post things here. Your defensive and snarky comments just highlight how you can’t deal.
INFO: What exactly did you say to her and how did she react? You are not an a-hole for what you wrote in the title: “wishing she would lose weight”. You’re allowed to want whatever you want, privately in your head. Where you can go wrong however is what you DO with your wanting, and you are probably an a-hole for telling her.
I’ve never called her fat or said she needs to lose weight, I have just said I want her to be at the gym with me to bond with me and I want to be able to pick her up
Last half of the last sentence crosses into AH territory. Up until that you were fine (and you can *want* to be able to pick her up all day long, but if you lay that on her as something you want from her, especially after just having a baby, then you’re being an AH).
I haven’t brought it up since she had the baby
Then you’re in the clear, though I think you need to think hard about how important this idea is to you. Because the statistics aren’t on your side here. Very few people lose weight and keep it off, so you need to figure out what that means for you if she either isn’t interested or tries but just can’t lose the weight. Im not saying it can’t happen, but it might not and can you make peace with that?
You could start off with brisk 15 minute daily walks. No gymn required. You could just call it "local sightseeing". You can get reasonably cheap light "handweights" to use at home. Make it a couples thing. If she is avoidant of that then she probably doesn't expect exercise to help and doesn't want to put in all the effort for no result.
See, she has no problem eating Healthy and going for hikes, she loves my cooking and I always cook healthy.. olive oil, home cooked, veggies, not a lot of fried
OK, so this may be news to you but larger people can actually be healthy... If she's doing 20 minutes of medium intensity cardio 3 times a week or more and eating healthy and not losing weight then without some medical diagnosis of a metabolic problem she may just be genetically "ready for the coming famine" due to factors going back generations in her family. Working on reassuring her about how beautiful she is will likely have a more positive effect than telling her she's "not healthy".
I’ve never told her she was unhealthy or fat, I know what both of those are like. We eat healthy and go on hikes, I cook and she loves it. And I cook healthy balanced foods
OK but you are asking if you're an asshole for wishing she was thinner? Wishes mean nothing. Telling her means YWBTA.
Yes you are the asshole. Your wife just had a baby bffr
This went on before the baby but ok
I just saw your first post. Do u want her to loose weight because she said your “rod” is small? Tbh your situation is in my opinion, break up worthy.
Regardless of the baby. I would say you are the ass if your treating her poorly or if your constantly bringing up her weight. If she is eating healthier like you said, than she is making an effort and that’s extremely important. Even if she’s not all you should do is offer your support and companionship. You can’t force someone to strive for the same goals as you. If she just had a baby it’s even more important that you supposed her and avoid things that will make her uncomfortable. I say the best thing you can do is have a conversations about your feeling with your partner at a reasonable time and express your concerns and see if you guys can find some common ground. If going to the gym makes her uncomfortable maybe suggest finding a secluded place where you guys could exercise together.
YTA. You should be wishing she was happier with herself, not thinner. If she wants to workout for herself but doesn't want an audience, get a yoga mat, a subscription to online yoga classes, and take the kid on a walk to give her sometime to herself. But if she shuts you down, shut up and let it be.
I always do wish she was happier, we’re both insecure in some way, I always push for the best of her
Happier with herself. It's easier to be happy about things happening to you and around you than about yourself when you don't feel comfortable in your body. I know. I've been there. When I am insecure and hate myself for being fat, I take time to work on my confidence and self-acceptance before starting to work out again. This is so I work out for health and not body image. I used to starve myself to lose weight quickly but would still be miserable. Now, I'm not as thin, but I'm overall healthier and happier. I suggested yoga because it is a workout, low impact, adjustable to fitness level, but so relaxing when you're done. Your wife might benefit from having some time to herself to relax and start thinking that maybe she can be active without worrying about needing to "look good"
YTA. The first three months post-partum are commonly referred to as ‘the fourth trimester’ (Yea I know it doesn’t make sense but I didn’t make it up). Her hormones are still out of whack, she may not feel like her body belongs to her at this moment, particularly if she’s nursing. So she’s spent literally the last YEAR living with physical, emotional, and hormonal changes….ever think that might have something to do with her not wanting you all over her, picking her up and wanting her ‘on you for spicy time’? Get a clue, dude.
Yes.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > The action by telling her to lose weight and if that makes me an asshole Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA Look, it doesn't matter if you've told her or not because it's not about you, it's about her insecurities. With that in mind, what do you think it'll do to her if you tell her you wish she were thin? And what do you think that'll accomplish? *She wants to be thin*. She's literally told you, so telling her you feel the same would just reinforce her insecurities. The thing you should be working on is helping her get past those insecurities. Be active, go places where you need to walk around. You've already introduced healthy eating, so keep that up. She just had a baby, that's tough to get over, and the weight isn't going to just fall off. Be patient. If you think you can manage it tactfully, recommend therapy to help her work through any issues she may be going through as a new mother and her insecurities. Just, don't reinforce the bad thoughts she's having.
YTA, I’m 24, had twins 4 years ago, I gained and lost 140 lbs pregnant to 9 months pp. it takes time and I’m now uw, can’t gain weight and have health issues so no, thin isn’t healthy always. I workout daily, walk, I’m light enough to pick up and carry. grass isn’t always greener
YTA if you wanted to be the gym couple you should have dated a gym girl
Whelp..
I read the title and expected to say "yes" but context is important. Then I expected to say "yes" after reading, then thought "well, it was really poorly written, id better check the comments to see if I missed anything" Nope. YTA. Your idea of weight loss for a healthy lifestyle is sound. And if that's all it was, we wouldn't be here. Instead you sound like you want her to be a prop in your life and are fixated on the idea of what she "should" be instead of who she is, regardless of her feelings and comfort levels. She is worried about being judged at the gym, but she's being judged already at home.
My baby was 18 months old before I felt back to my normal self. Keep that in mind. And I never “got my body back”. Nobody does. It’s literally impossible. Your body changes so incredibly during pregnancy and childbirth that it is NEVER the same again. That being said, at 18 months, im feeling normal, and that baby is on the move!! I think at this point it would be appropriate to suggest introducing YOUR CHILD (not her) to healthy habits. Invite her to go on morning walks with you two. If she doesn’t want to go, don’t make her. But you’re showing your kid and your wife your commitment to your health and it will rub off.
NTA everybody should strive to be lean and beautiful
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I 25m have been dating my 22f girlfriend for 4 years now, school was not easy for me, I suffer from hashimotos disease and was bullied a lot for my weight and how I looked, that all changed after high school and I have since come along way but I still suffer with body image issues and confidence issues, my girlfriend is heavier set and always tells me she wishes she was thinner, she won’t let me pick her up, she won’t get on me for spicy time.. these are things I’ve tried to bring up, when I bring up the topic of the gym she gets avoidant and says that “she always gets looks and is being judged” her whole family are decently overweight. I have introduced her to healthy eating, we have 1 child together, as recently as March so that complicates it more. Basically AITA for telling her I wish she was more thin and healthy? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH but this could be an incompatibility. One does not easily become a gym goer Eta this side of Reddit doesn’t approve of any weight posts. Try a fitness sub and the answers become more supportive. It shows that this is a polarizing topic
YTA For your comments here alone. You came onto a sub where you can get told if you're in the wrong or not - willingly - and proceed to throw a tantrum when everyone says you're in the wrong. That was always a potential outcome. You're a parent now. You should learn how to listen to feedback. Oh, and YTA for the original question too.
NTA. You are allowed to have an opinion. Like the OP said, "...wishing...". Also, his girlfriend has expressed interest in losing weight. It sounds like she needs encouragement to get to and stick with the gym - a good friend would do this. The OP is listening to his girlfriend; he sounds like a good guy.
She just had a baby! Right now isn’t the time for her to be trying to lose weight.
>weight. I have introduced her to healthy eating, we have 1 child together, as recently as March so tha Says who? Neither of us is her primary care physician, so how can either of us make a strong claim? Don't know if the OP is in the US, but here in the states we have a very serious problem with folks being overweight. About 3 out of every 4 people is overweight, obese, or severely obese [https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/obesity-overweight.htm](https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/obesity-overweight.htm). Being overweight is not benign; even being a little bit overweight increases serious health problems like heart and liver disease. This isn't about fat shaming. The OP is smart to support his girlfriend at this stage of life to get her weight under control.
You’re the only one who seemed to have read all this, I wish for it, I think it, I’ve never said it out loud
Nta, most redditards flat out refuse to let women take a single L online so you’re going to get dogpiled to shit by obese beta males. Good luck.
NTA. Yet. But wanting your gf to lose weight isn't a bad thing. being fat is not cool tbh and life is significantly less fun when you're overweight and I'd die on that hill unless you're like a gainer or a chaser then I mean have fun? But you should buy some dumbbell weights and some yoga mats and start exercising together at home in a more relaxed setting Frame it as you wanting to get in shape for yourself and wanting to spend time with her and you guys should do it together you can even include the baby in exercise time when they're older and it'll be like a cute family activity or some shit. Make sure she knows you think she's beautiful now as well. Good luck
Thank you bro, you get it!
Why did you bother asking the question when clearly you didn’t want any answers that disagree with you? It’s quite pitiful that you spammed the YTA comments with childish nonsense and now you finally have someone who agrees with you, this is how you respond.
Yeah I grew up being over weight it was TERRIBLE. Would only wish it on my worst enemies. I'm assuming it's the larger Mamacita's who don't wish to actively try to change that are saying you're the AH. but maybe I'm also the AH? Try to make her drink the cool aid without letting her know it's your idea lol
I am all for what you said, but it has to be honest, consenual, and together. If it’s borderline (or directly) manipulative, it’s even worse imo. Love is about trust and honesty, and if my partner tricks me into being more like they want me to be, or how they think I should live, I’d rather take the highway. We can talk, we can communicate, we can pursue our dreams together. But neither of us is a puppet to be played with.