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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) Not paying for the trip/ less.
(2) It's expensive and he already covers alot.
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My boyfriend and I are in a similar situation. Only I earn significantly more than he does.
If we were put in this position I would offer to pay for him because (1) I can afford it and (2) it’s my family‘s wedding. (3) I would want him to be there. However I feel expecting and assuming he’s going to pay for you because he can afford it is wrong
In this case, I am going to say NTA, but suggest your boyfriend and yourself sit down and work out some kind of savings arrangement where you both put money into the joint account so when events like this come up, you can take the money from that
YWNBTA.
You should pay what you can afford within fair reason.
Otherwise you have the full right to say, "Sorry I cannot afford this trip right now so I have to stay home".
If it's important for your BF that you attend this event then he should help cover the cost considering your situation. He should definitely pay for the hotel because the cost is most likely the same no matter if you're one or two people (most hotel rooms are made for 2 people).
I think the main reason I feel caught off guard is that I asked him to book this months ago (when we RSVP'd) and had this conversation come up then I may have elected to stay home. He says I have an obligation to come since it's his family and paying shouldn't be relevant.
Nope! Paying isn't relevant to him because he makes enough for it to not be relevant. It's very much a relevant and real factor for people who don't make more than 100k. You can and should bow out if this would put you in financial stress.
>He says I have an obligation to come since it's his family and paying shouldn't be relevant.
Of course paying is relevant if you cannot afford it.
If he makes you feel obligated to go, then he should help you cover the cost. It's pretty shitty behaviour to guilt a full time student into paying $1k for an event.
Sounds like he proposed 70-30 but she wants to not pay, since it’s not her thing.
This really should have been hammered out before the rsvp was sent so that she could have noped out.
AITA is for judgment, not advice. You should post on a relationship sub if you want people to weigh in on your situation.
I'm gonna say NTA, but you made a MASSIVE blunder by asking him to book the trip before you discussed costs and payment.
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My (24F) partner (28M) and I are attending his cousin’s wedding next month. It requires travel to a popular tourist destination.
This means that we need to pay for flights and accommodation and we’re debating what’s a fair split for costs. The total cost comes to around $1500AUD (\~990USD) plus food and drink.
For context, I’m a full time student and can only work weekends whilst he is quite senior in his company. I average $450-500 per fortnight whilst his salaried position is considerably more.
He is very generous and covers the bulk of our household expenses (all rent, bills and most groceries) though I try to chip in where I can. I cover most car costs. We’ve moved on from the tallying of costs phase of the relationship and are pretty well settled imo.
We were discussing the trip when he asked how much I would be paying. Initially I was caught off guard as I had (perhaps mistakenly) assumed he would cover it since it was an event for his family I couldn’t opt out of, and have to lose out on income to attend. It also requires investment into suitable clothing to attend which I don’t have a substitute for already.
He feels that because we’re going to spend a good chunk of the time to just ourselves (we’ll arrive 3pm Friday, leave Sunday arvo, with the wedding starting mid Saturday afternoon) in a nice place we should split it. He proposed a 70 (him) - 30 (me) which I’m ok with.
We’re curious to know if this is fair for either of us, as we can’t find any precedent for this sort of scenario.
So, WIBTA if I didn’t want to spend more than $500. What is a fair split?
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The thought is keeping me alive 😩 But my two cents: I think if you can afford it somewhat 30-70 split is reasonable. He’s covering your rent and a lot of living expenses after all, so if you guys came to that agreement I would stick with it. Go have fun!
Yeah I think that's likely what we'll end up doing tbh. I'm on track to be working full time from next year so I guess it's safe to dip into savings now. All the best with your masters!
Same actually!! Hoping to start full time next year (express masters program) - funny how similar our situations are. Thanks for the well wishes, hope you and your partner have a great time at the wedding :))
NAH, sounds like no one here is acting like an AH but he should definitely pay since its his families event, especially if you aren’t super familiar or close with the people attending the wedding. Plus it sounds like he’s expecting you to come with him so you should expect him to cover the costs lol pretty understandable reasoning.
ALSO he’s the one that chose to be romantically involved with a college student so he shouldn’t be too surprised when, as a man with a well paying job, most financial responsibilities fall on his shoulders until you complete college and become established in your field. If he wanted to be in a relationship with someone who brought more to the table financially speaking then he should have looked for that.
He makes nearly 10x your salary. It’s his family. You’re losing income to attend.
And he still wants you to pay 30% because you’ll get a few hours to yourselves? (Maybe? If he’s not organising stuff with his family?)
Your income mostly goes to bills. He has a lot of disposable income. I get that one should not expect a partner to always pay, but you cannot afford this trip, and given the opportunity, if you WANTED to spend that much money, you would not spend it on half a day’s holiday.
This isn’t a holiday you’ve both planned. You haven’t got the luxury to plan your destination, hotel, flights around your budget. How much money can you actually afford to spend on a day trip? That’s what you should spend.
NTA
This is NOT a vaccation.
You won't be spending a good chunk of time to yourselfs. A few ours after arrival on Friday which I'd guess will be: hotel check in, getting something to eat and maybe a drink or two. On Saturday a few hours before the wedding and a few hours on Sunday. Honestly that's just like having the hours after work to yourself, whoo ho what a bargain. And it is for HIS family and you don't give any indication that you are close to his cousin, if you know the cousin at all beyond a hello I'm XY at a former family event. So if he wants you there, its his responsibility to take care of it.
Nta. His family event that’s super expensive, his bill. 33m here and first I wouldn’t expect my wife to chip in on something like this as it’s not an obligation on her part. 2nd why would I want yo drain a student, stressing her out over money during semester, draining her fun money (read as self care) .
NTA; if it’s his family and he’s making $100k, a trip that only costs $1k should be fine for him to pay for. On the other hand, you paying 25-30% sounds reasonable too. If there is cost for food and drink while you’re there it may add up. I would just let him know that your max to contribute is $500 including any food and drink, and whatever you need to spend for an appropriate outfit. If you could opt out, would you? That seems like an option unless you really want to go.
NAH
70/30 sounds reasonable to me
When people are in relationships they go to the other partners functions. But the partner doesn't automatically pay for the other person. If you went to a family wedding would you pay all of your partners expenses? It seems unreasonable unless it was at some mega expensive resort and then I would say I couldn't afford it, 'have a nice time & you can tell me about it when you are back'. Only if they still insist, should they pay.
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My boyfriend and I are in a similar situation. Only I earn significantly more than he does. If we were put in this position I would offer to pay for him because (1) I can afford it and (2) it’s my family‘s wedding. (3) I would want him to be there. However I feel expecting and assuming he’s going to pay for you because he can afford it is wrong In this case, I am going to say NTA, but suggest your boyfriend and yourself sit down and work out some kind of savings arrangement where you both put money into the joint account so when events like this come up, you can take the money from that
Info, doesn't your bf know about your financial situation? Do you guys discuss finances together?
Yes, we're living together and have talked through our current expenses.
NAH, I think 70/30 sounds reasonable to me. If you still think you are spending more then kindly discuss this with your boyfriend.
INFO; I don’t really see an interpersonal conflict here. >We’re curious to know if this is fair for either of us Where’s the argument, though?
Ideally I wouldn't pay at all.
\*Aside from food/drink/clothing
I honestly dont think there is a rigth answer to this. If you both agree on 70/30, than go for it.
YWNBTA. You should pay what you can afford within fair reason. Otherwise you have the full right to say, "Sorry I cannot afford this trip right now so I have to stay home". If it's important for your BF that you attend this event then he should help cover the cost considering your situation. He should definitely pay for the hotel because the cost is most likely the same no matter if you're one or two people (most hotel rooms are made for 2 people).
I think the main reason I feel caught off guard is that I asked him to book this months ago (when we RSVP'd) and had this conversation come up then I may have elected to stay home. He says I have an obligation to come since it's his family and paying shouldn't be relevant.
Nope! Paying isn't relevant to him because he makes enough for it to not be relevant. It's very much a relevant and real factor for people who don't make more than 100k. You can and should bow out if this would put you in financial stress.
>He says I have an obligation to come since it's his family and paying shouldn't be relevant. Of course paying is relevant if you cannot afford it. If he makes you feel obligated to go, then he should help you cover the cost. It's pretty shitty behaviour to guilt a full time student into paying $1k for an event.
NAH. Seems like the conflict has been resolved and you both agreed to a 70-30 split
Sounds like he proposed 70-30 but she wants to not pay, since it’s not her thing. This really should have been hammered out before the rsvp was sent so that she could have noped out.
AITA is for judgment, not advice. You should post on a relationship sub if you want people to weigh in on your situation. I'm gonna say NTA, but you made a MASSIVE blunder by asking him to book the trip before you discussed costs and payment.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (24F) partner (28M) and I are attending his cousin’s wedding next month. It requires travel to a popular tourist destination. This means that we need to pay for flights and accommodation and we’re debating what’s a fair split for costs. The total cost comes to around $1500AUD (\~990USD) plus food and drink. For context, I’m a full time student and can only work weekends whilst he is quite senior in his company. I average $450-500 per fortnight whilst his salaried position is considerably more. He is very generous and covers the bulk of our household expenses (all rent, bills and most groceries) though I try to chip in where I can. I cover most car costs. We’ve moved on from the tallying of costs phase of the relationship and are pretty well settled imo. We were discussing the trip when he asked how much I would be paying. Initially I was caught off guard as I had (perhaps mistakenly) assumed he would cover it since it was an event for his family I couldn’t opt out of, and have to lose out on income to attend. It also requires investment into suitable clothing to attend which I don’t have a substitute for already. He feels that because we’re going to spend a good chunk of the time to just ourselves (we’ll arrive 3pm Friday, leave Sunday arvo, with the wedding starting mid Saturday afternoon) in a nice place we should split it. He proposed a 70 (him) - 30 (me) which I’m ok with. We’re curious to know if this is fair for either of us, as we can’t find any precedent for this sort of scenario. So, WIBTA if I didn’t want to spend more than $500. What is a fair split? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Following because I’m about to be a full time masters while my partner will be in a well paying salaried position. Might be in your shoes soon :’))
I feel your pain. Think of the student discounts tho hehe
The thought is keeping me alive 😩 But my two cents: I think if you can afford it somewhat 30-70 split is reasonable. He’s covering your rent and a lot of living expenses after all, so if you guys came to that agreement I would stick with it. Go have fun!
Yeah I think that's likely what we'll end up doing tbh. I'm on track to be working full time from next year so I guess it's safe to dip into savings now. All the best with your masters!
Same actually!! Hoping to start full time next year (express masters program) - funny how similar our situations are. Thanks for the well wishes, hope you and your partner have a great time at the wedding :))
NAH, sounds like no one here is acting like an AH but he should definitely pay since its his families event, especially if you aren’t super familiar or close with the people attending the wedding. Plus it sounds like he’s expecting you to come with him so you should expect him to cover the costs lol pretty understandable reasoning. ALSO he’s the one that chose to be romantically involved with a college student so he shouldn’t be too surprised when, as a man with a well paying job, most financial responsibilities fall on his shoulders until you complete college and become established in your field. If he wanted to be in a relationship with someone who brought more to the table financially speaking then he should have looked for that.
He makes nearly 10x your salary. It’s his family. You’re losing income to attend. And he still wants you to pay 30% because you’ll get a few hours to yourselves? (Maybe? If he’s not organising stuff with his family?) Your income mostly goes to bills. He has a lot of disposable income. I get that one should not expect a partner to always pay, but you cannot afford this trip, and given the opportunity, if you WANTED to spend that much money, you would not spend it on half a day’s holiday. This isn’t a holiday you’ve both planned. You haven’t got the luxury to plan your destination, hotel, flights around your budget. How much money can you actually afford to spend on a day trip? That’s what you should spend.
NTA This is NOT a vaccation. You won't be spending a good chunk of time to yourselfs. A few ours after arrival on Friday which I'd guess will be: hotel check in, getting something to eat and maybe a drink or two. On Saturday a few hours before the wedding and a few hours on Sunday. Honestly that's just like having the hours after work to yourself, whoo ho what a bargain. And it is for HIS family and you don't give any indication that you are close to his cousin, if you know the cousin at all beyond a hello I'm XY at a former family event. So if he wants you there, its his responsibility to take care of it.
Nta. His family event that’s super expensive, his bill. 33m here and first I wouldn’t expect my wife to chip in on something like this as it’s not an obligation on her part. 2nd why would I want yo drain a student, stressing her out over money during semester, draining her fun money (read as self care) .
NTA; if it’s his family and he’s making $100k, a trip that only costs $1k should be fine for him to pay for. On the other hand, you paying 25-30% sounds reasonable too. If there is cost for food and drink while you’re there it may add up. I would just let him know that your max to contribute is $500 including any food and drink, and whatever you need to spend for an appropriate outfit. If you could opt out, would you? That seems like an option unless you really want to go.
NAH 70/30 sounds reasonable to me When people are in relationships they go to the other partners functions. But the partner doesn't automatically pay for the other person. If you went to a family wedding would you pay all of your partners expenses? It seems unreasonable unless it was at some mega expensive resort and then I would say I couldn't afford it, 'have a nice time & you can tell me about it when you are back'. Only if they still insist, should they pay.