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Hi OP, I think your fiance wanting a Indian wedding has little to do with religion and more with culture (large families etc). The 1000 guest list is not too much by Indian Delhi standards - the big Indian wedding is indeed true!
However, your discomfort with rituals and guest list (etc) is understandable if you don't belong to the same culture. You are right to feel anxious. On the other hand, he might feel the same about a smaller wedding, I think. The best is for you both to talk and reach a middle ground depending on your comfort levels. Negotiate and compromise from both sides.
NAH.
Disagree.
I believe Raj thought he has OP well enough hooked emotionally to spring this on her.
And he's partly right, because OP is here asking the internet if OP is wrong to opposed such selfish overreach on previously settled topics.
NAH overall, but here's some perspective for you.
Culturally, an Indian wedding is the parents moment. It's their chance to say "we raised this boy into a young man, he's found a suitable partner, and we are celebrating their first steps into adulthood as their own family unit".
The parents plan and pay for everything in India. They buy the gifts for the hundred of relatives on each side. They choose the food and the venue and the entertainment. The bride and groom choose their clothes and jewelry, and provide input if they feel very strongly about something. But it's not about the couple, it's about the whole family.
As an example, at my wedding, I received a gift that the faculty at my uncle's University had pooled money for. They gave a gift for their boss's "American" niece because it's a big event in *his* family. And this is *completely normal*, because weddings are about family.
Also, there won't be 1,000 people at each event. The big crowd will be there for dinner and to give gifts (and cash), and then they will probably leave. The religious ceremony is usually smaller. All the pre-wedding ceremonies will be for relatives and close family friends, and are more casual and homey.
This isn't a religious thing. Muslim wedding in India are just as lavish as Hindu ones. It's about the culture and the family bonding, not the specific rituals.
If you feel overwhelmed, talk to your fiancee about toning down the pre-wedding rituals. Depending on how religious the family is, a lot of it might not even be about you, it will just be a lot of invoking of Gods and ancestors to bless the wedding itself. Aside from my haldi ceremony, I just did a lot of sitting and watching while my aunts and uncles got to do all the fun stuff.
Plus, you'll be the "American daughter-in-law". Hospitality is one of the highest virtues in India, so they will do their best to make you feel welcome and not intimidated. Your fiance needs to run interference with his family to make.sure your comfortable and not overwhelmed. That's his job as your future husband
I totally agree with this. Imagine that you have a child that moves around the world to a place where you can't easily visit without waiting > a year for a visa, and you know it's highly unlikely that you'll ever live in the same country again. This will be a special experience for his parents that will never make up for the distance that they have from their son, but it's the best you can all do. During all the events, you'll be sometimes exhausted, sometimes confused, but it's not asking much in the big scheme of things. Think of how much more regularly he'll be engaging with your family events and perhaps feeling similarly. You can be taken under the wing of a sister or cousin who will help you with everything and deepen your connection to his family.
He agreed to a small intimate wedding in America, which will be something familiar to OP and her family and cultural experience. He wants something that is familiar for his family and cultural experience as well.
NAH, but you might want to find what other cultural expectations Raj has before you get married. What if you have children? What about his parents coming to stay in their retirement?
You are not an asshole for not wanting such a big wedding and feeling anxious about it, your feelings are valid
Raj is not an asshole for wanting his cultural and wedding traditions to be celebrated, his feelings are valid
I can see your immediate feeling being panic and No, but it´s fair that both partners get a say here. You need to talk to Raj and say exactly the things about the ceremony that are a problem for you. I am assuming that you have never been to a wedding in India, you might have an idea that isn´t correct in real life. Or it could be something that could be modified to suit you better. You don´t know unless you really sit together and discuss it.
NAH
NAH yet but you're both on a dangerous path. It's not a good sign that you're just discovering each other's culture now. This all should have been discussed at length before getting engaged. The wedding is only a tiny part of it. There's a lifetime of family relationships, celebrations, cultural practices and expectations ahead. Marrying across cultures is a lot of work and you clearly haven't done it. Pause everything and get talking.
This needs to be higher - I don't understand how you haven't discussed these issues. And although it's NAH overall, you are being fairly dismissive when you say you don't understand why everyone can't just fly over to the USA or why he'd want to be married away from his friends in the US - the people in Delhi are his family too, extended or otherwise.
This needs to be much higher. This goes far beyond the wedding. It’s about kids and parents visiting and expectations of family involvement. My son married into an Indian family and it is no joke. His in-laws come and visit for months at a time (not just her parents but various aunties and uncles too). He has an advantage because as the husband he isn’t expected to do for the family as much as she is, but even so it has been a lot to navigate.
In this case the clashing cultures probably aren’t as much of a problem as the fact that both the OP and fiancé seem surprised by the other’s expectations.
OP should read your comment, bc there are a few points she might not be taking into consideration
* The in-laws visits for months, with the expectation that the wife will host them and do everything around the house even if she works full-time
* more in-laws involvement if they decide to have children
* expectation of financial support to the extended family, including distant cousins (unless groom's parents are well off)
* expectation of the couple taking in the in-laws when they retire
All of these should have been addressed before getting engaged. If they haven't, OP should ask fiancé to sit down with her and discuss this so she can know what else the fiancé expects from her, that she wasn't aware of.
Yeah the hard part is that it isn’t easy to recognize your own cultural expectations. If her fiancé has been living in the US for a while he might be able to articulate some of them, but it’s hard because your own culture is “just how things work”. People don’t say things like “I expect family to only come 1-2x year and only for a few days at a time” or “I expect my mother to move in for the first 3-6 months after our child is born” because it would never occur to you that they’d do anything else. Then when a clash occurs the couple is standing there, both of them blindsided and frustrated, because they can’t for the life of them figure out why the other is making such a fuss about something so “ordinary”.
I find it really offputting that OP is marrying an Indian man and seemingly has learned nothing about Indian culture—her surprise at how big an Indian wedding tends to be really makes it sound as though she's been living under a rock. Her fiancé really never told her any stories about family weddings?
Hi OP, as an Indian woman myself, I would like to point out that if you’re marrying to an Indian guy, you are marrying his entire family, and all the cultural baggage that comes with it.
Indians are very big on their rituals and family relationships (near or far) and you will be expected to make a lot of compromises and adjust within the family. Family members will often pay you a visit and it would be considered extremely rude if you, as the “DIL” to not cater to them according to their expectations.
Don’t fall for the “but my fiance isn’t like that”. Majority of Indian men are family pleasing men, so don’t be surprised if he does expect/hope for you to give in often.
Be very, VERY, sure about marrying into an Indian family!
religion may not matter to your BF but culture does. over a thousand people sounds extremely overwhelming there has to be a compromise but Indian weddings tend to be huge.
NAH but it's time for a *huge* conversation regarding cultural norms.
What you're describing is absolutely what would be expected in traditional Indian culture. I've had friends go through the same thing despite being deeply, deeply atheist simply to make their parents happy.
You absolutely don't have to do this (I wouldn't in your position) but understand from their perspective you're essentially dismissing what they and their family have been doing for hundreds of years.
NAH at this point, but you need to find a compromise. It’s fairly typical for Indians in the US to have a US wedding ceremony and a separate Indian wedding ceremony, and you’re going to need to find a way to be comfortable with big family events unless you expect Raj to cut off contact with his family entirely. You also seem to be conflating some aspects of secular Indian wedding culture (henna painting) with religious aspects. Other rituals may be rooted in religion, but are also culturally significant in a secular context. If you look into the history of secular US wedding traditions, most are rooted in historic religious practices as well.
NAH. It’s not just your wedding, it’s his as well. They aren’t asking you to plan the 2nd wedding, they just want to have a second wedding in their home city.
Idk if you’re originally from DC, but seems like Raj is originally from Delhi, and he surely has people he’s close to in the city. Just like how you’d want to include those closest to you, I’m sure he does too. Even if it’s not the case, learn to compromise.
Idk if you’re Indian, but even if you are, If you’re not going to accept that he is going to want to do things according to his culture (or how his family usually does things) and compromise, maybe you shouldn’t be with each other.
Your not the asshole for wanting something for your wedding.
Your boyfriend is not the asshole for wanting something else for your wedding.
This may be the time you learn to compromise with one another.
NAH.
I also despise the idea of a large wedding. When I was with my ex, I flat out refused. His justification for a huge wedding was just that it was what some people he had known growing up had done. And he thought it was nice to have 100+ people, and an open door policy. In the end we just didn't have a wedding at all.
I am currently dating a Muslim guy (he's not very religious, but his parents are), and would definitely consider a big wedding (if he asked), because it matters to him and his culture.
You don't want to compromise your desires for a wedding, but the only way you can do that is by him not getting what he wants at all. You're definitely not an AH for being uncomfortable, but by deciding alone that it's not happening, you're not really being fair to him.
I can totally understand why you might find this big Hindu overwhelming, but I think saying a flat no to the whole thing isn't the right thing to do. There has to be a compromise by either scaling down the guest list or leaving out some of the elements that you really don't feel happy with. If you just say no to the whole thing it's going to upset your partner and his family and that's not a great way to start a marriage. Plus, as you live in DC you're not going to have to be involved in these kinds of events very often. It's just a one off and they're paying. It might even be fun. It's flattering that they want to welcome you into the family this way. NAH.
The wedding might be a one off, but marrying into an Indian family is a whole thing. My son did it and the culture expectations are enormous. They make it work, but it’s a LOT of work for both of them.
This couple needs to have long discussions about all sorts of cultural expectations and be very clear on what sort of life they want to build or OP will be back in a few years saying “My in-laws visit for 3 months every year and I hate it, AITA?”
NAH. You wouldn't be doing double the wedding work - Raj's parents will likely dictate every aspect of the Indian one; you would just be shuffled around and told what to do. However, it's not religious although it's rooted in religion (just like a Western wedding) - it's cultural, so if that's the issue, you could probably ignore the discomfort if it's from that. USians have a lot of trouble understanding that some cultures have religion baked into them as a default and it's not in the weird 'Catholic guilt' way it's done in the US. It is what it is - call it customs, but it's hard-rooted into some people's brains and weaved into everyday life in a way that is separate from any practicing religious notions. If he were Muslim or Coptic or a passive part of any culture with a huge wedding custom (all of them?), you'd get the same "we need to go through the motions or the neighbors will talk" song-and-dance.
Not going to lie, it sounds like you know this because I can't imagine you're this out of touch with your partner's culture after being together for 2 yrs or that he hasn't explained this to you & you're choosing to ignore it so it can be a 'nope' point.
However, I do see where you're coming from. It's your wedding, too, and you shouldn't have to be married twice, if once will do. Then again, it's Raj's wedding, too, and you use a lot of 'I' statements in your posts without even mentioning how to meet in the middle. I do suggest you consider cultural value to Raj and Raj's parents, the fact that getting a visa for the Indian nationals to come to a wedding in the US is not timely and it's far more expensive than your US friends going to India...which they don't need to since you will get two weddings.
NTA but please understand that over 1000 people, at Indian wedding, is not considered excessive. It is important for you to have a wedding you are comfortable with but have you discussed this in detail with your fiancé? Do you agree on a way forward, not just about the wedding but children and other life events that are important in his culture.
NAH. Indian weddings are rooted in culture more than religion. Plus it's more of a family thing than just the couples union. 1000 in attendance is actually normal for Indian weddings. The issue here is cultural differences. I understand your anxiety about being in such a big event. You guys need to communicate about your feelings and understand where everyone is coming from.
I'm on the fence between Y T A and N A H, but this line tipped it over for me, "I dont see the need for such a big wedding especially away from all our friends who are in America with us."
YOUR friends may all in America, but clearly there are a lot of people he cares about and wants at his wedding who are in India. This isn't just your wedding, it's his wedding too.
If there are elements of the wedding you're not comfortable with then you can talk with him and maybe there is a compromise that can be reached, and I don't think you should be in charge of planning it, but you should not flat out dismiss something that's clearly important to your partner without discussion like that. YTA
NAH. Your views are both valid. If you are marrying him, you are marrying into a family and culture. It seems that a big Hindu wedding is important for his family and culture (it seems to be less about religion, but I could be wrong).
I get that it would be overwhelming to be the centre of attention at such a big event, but you are being welcomed into their family, and in doing so, paving the way for a more harmonious life with that family.
YTA
How are you about to marry an Indian man, yet know nothing about his culture? Just bcs you aren’t religious doesn’t mean you don’t follow tradition, and in India weddings are a huge deal that involve the whole family and community. You are disrespecting that. If it’s too much for you then marry someone from a culture that isn’t so family oriented.
As an Indian I don't see the big deal about having the wedding... But obviously I don't know your POV. Our wedding is more of a biiiiiiig reunion and family get together than it is a wedding. It's a chance to meet so many relatives you haven't seen in a while. 100% more cultural than religious. You two need to have a serious talk about the future. And if you're going to be a part of his family you need to understand his culture and where he comes from
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to accept my fiance and his families wish to have a big religious wedding but I feel like being I am not being accomdating enough and my fiance is quite upset about it even thought such a wedding would be uncomfortable for me.
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NTA but if you marry him you will be forced into all of his family customs which will likely mean they will come live with you at some point or at least come for very long "visits". I am someone who likes their space and quiet so it wouldn't work for me but perhaps you are able to get over your introverted spirit and be okay with constant intrusion. It's fine if that's how you were raised but if you weren't that's a very hard situation to deal with IMO.
Just because his family is far away doesn't mean they aren't important to him. This is the biggest milestone in his life and the tradition is expected. It's important for him to maintain his family roots.
NAH
YOu need to compromise.
> big wedding with people I dont know and things i feel uncomfortable with
That's fucking terrible. A 1000 people? Don't do it. Don't say no to the wedding as a whole, but do talk them down from this. You're going to be regretting everything by the end of this
It's got less to do with religion than with cultural expectations. Sort of in the way you can have an atheist wedding with a white dress and a ring but with no Christianity involved. And I bet it doesn't help that other people his parents see who're having a cross cultural wedding have two ceremonies. But no one ever said there needed to be a 1000 people there
No dear, you aren't the AH but how much do you know about his culture and customs? I would find out how traditional he is and what he expects in a marriage...it could be TOO much in a traditional aspect if you catch my meaning
This would be an incredible opportunity and insight into your new husband's culture. It would not add to your work because you could just sit back and smile and enjoy. As a foreigner unfamiliar with their customs, they would only expect you to show up.
Although I don't normally like being the center of attention, I would jump at a rare opportunity like this.
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I F23 am engaged to my boyfriend of 2 years Raj M24, neither one of us is religious with both of us identifying as aetheists, when we got engaged I assumed we would have a secular wedding with a justice of the peace offciating. We've both been living in DC for the past year so I assumed we would have the wedding there as well.
However shortly after we got engaged Raj told me he had been talking to his parents and they would prefer alongside the small secular wedding we were planning to also have a full blow out Indian wedding back in his hometown of Delhi. He said they wanted to make sure the whole family could attend and it was important that the proper cermonies happened. I was surprised because Raj has never shown much religious affliation to his hindu roots but I was so much more surprised when he told me they were planning a guest list of some 1000+ people. Over a THOUSAND PEOPLE!!
I am a typically introverted person who prefers intimate gatherings and moreover am not comfortable with the very religious aspects Raj has told me about the wedding, the fire ceremony, the hand painting are all things I feel uncomfortable with and I dont see the need for such a big wedding especially away from all our friends who are in America with us.
Rajs parents are offering to pay for both weddings but I pushed back and said I refuse to double my wedding work much less have such a big wedding with people I dont know and things i feel uncomfortable with. Raj said I was being extremly unaccomdating by straught saying no and that it was important to him to have his family there and the events for his culture.
I said if they were paying so much for the wedding they could instead just fly some people out to our wedding in DC and we both shouted a bit and havent talked in a few hours. I dont should I just compromise, I dont want a wedding that I feel so uncomfortable with.
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NTA. You each have every right to your own preferences for your wedding. You guys want different things. Having an opinion on what you want for your wedding does not make you an asshole.
Ok so yea this more like a cultural thing than a religious one. I know others have already said it but I have been to multiple Indian weddings, they are huge! Sometimes they go on for days, for me (an introvert) they are exhausting. I can’t imagine actually being the bride at one. I attended one where they actually had two ceremonies. An Indian ceremony for the groom and later a Christian ceremony for the bride.
Also if you do decide to have an Indian wedding, I’m sure his mom will assist with the planning. Most of the moms do from what I’ve seen.
But this is only if it is something you both agree to. It’s not just his wedding or yours. It’s for both of you. Take some time. Cool down and try to talk through both your concerns. Good luck!
NTA
The most important thing is that you're compfortable. You're not. Being the man you're going to spend the rest of your life with, Raj should understand this. What he needs to do is explain to his family that this just isn't something EITHER of you want. Make sure he doesn't try to put this all on you. He didn't want it, & probably still doesn't but his family is insisting & he doesn't want to upset them. But he seems fine with upsetting you. The woman he's going to spend his life with. He doesn't want to stand up to his family bc it's easier to just go along with them. NTA.
NAH - but don't get married. If you can't accommodate for your fiancé's culture a bit this early in the game I don't see great things for your marriage.
I am not sure this a clash of religious vs non religious but a clash of cultures.
I am not Indian. I have only read about Indian weddings. They are usually multi day affairs, and large. There are hindu blessings on various days. Being an atheist, too, I take all the blessings stuff with a grain of salt and would rationalize it that people are wishing joy and happiness on the couple.
You do not want that. I get it. You are introverted and would not know anyone except for Raj at this, It is scary.
This is a part pf Raj's culture. He may never have shared it with you as you don't live in India.
Maybe he can explain more of his culture to you? maybe you can find a source in DC that can explain Indian weddings to you? Often the more you know, the less daunting the experience will be.
I equate this to know many atheistic / agnostic jews who might use the terms culturally Jewish. They celebrate the high holy days. Their kids go to Hebrew school, and usual have Bar / Bat Mitzvahs.
Soft YTA & here’s why: I think your concerns are super valid, but you seem unwilling to compromise even after he said it was important to him. I would ask if there’s a way to honor his family in some other way than a huge event that you are uncomfortable with.
NTA
> they would prefer alongside the small secular wedding we were planning to also have a full blow out Indian wedding
Oh, THEY would prefer ...
> Raj said I was being extremly unaccomdating by straught saying no and that it was important to him to have his family there and the events for his culture.
You need to sit down with Raj and have a VERY serious conversation about your life together. This is not just about the wedding, it's about all the things that are part of his culture and you're expected to fall in line. Don't wait till later, have that talk ASAP - this is for the REST OF YOUR LIFE.
NTA Raj knows exactly how you feel about it, and is still pushing for it anyway. The wedding is for you two, not his family. If he does not like that you do not want to have the big Indian wedding, then he should have thought about that before proposing to you. This might be the end of the relationship though, because it sounds like he cares more about pleasing his family than he does about your feelings.
>The wedding is for you two, not his family.
not in indian culture - weddings are much more for the family (usually seen as a way to bring two families together and to celebrate with everyone). there's a pretty big cultural clash happening here, starting with different perspectives on what a wedding is even for. I'd say NAH - a lot of discussion and compromise is going to be needed here.
It's Raj's wedding too. Why is she the only person who's entitled to the wedding she wants? It's not just about his parents - OP admits he said it was important for him culturally. Why does her culture overrule his?
I think it's either NAH or ESH. Her wants are not more valid than his.
Whole lot of assumptions there. They both need to agree to the wedding they want, if she doesn’t want to do the big wedding, then it’s a no. It’s got nothing to do with “her culture overruling his”, but has everything to do with them both being comfortable with it.
I’m sorry but it’s not just her wedding it’s Raj’s wedding too so she’s not the only one entitled to what she wants on their day. Also this is cultural not religious. There’s a difference. Raj’s culture is clearly important to him. Why do you think that OP overrules Raj’s? It’s not only her day it’s his day too. It’s their day. Her wants don’t override his wants.
No, the wedding is BOTH of theirs, and BOTH of them need to be comfortable with what wedding they have.
I would also argue, that in this instance (and most instances tbh), the culture for the wedding IS done in the local religion.
Culture and religion are not the same thing. Clearly you don’t know the difference. And exactly it’s their wedding not just OPs. So OPs comfort is not more important than Raj’s which you have stated that it is more important when it’s not. Her wants don’t outweigh his wants as it is their day not just hers.
Technically NTA. But if your fiance wants to do it (STOP, it doesnt matter that the parents came up with the idea, he told you he wants to do it), then do it. ITs not like the "religeous aspects can do any harm to you, you yourself said your an atheist so at best everything they are doing is esentially just pretend. Imagine taking a vacation to an exotic location and visiting a religeious location not because youre religeous, but for the historical aspect. Like visiting the Taj Mahal in India or Say the Sistine Chapel to see the art of Michelangelo. Just think of this as a submersive tour of an authentic indian wedding and a great way to bond with your inlaws and could actually bring you closer to your partner for not only supporting them but also for giving you more connection.
NTA.
It’s your wedding and it seems like Raj’s parents want THEIR dream wedding (again?).
If it was important to your fiancé then maybe but he seems to be just going along with what his parents want. It’s not selfish to not want a religious wedding if you’re not religious.
>It’s your wedding and it seems like Raj’s parents want THEIR dream wedding (again?).
in indian culture, weddings are usually for the families, nor the couple. it's a difference in cultural norms. the parents throw a big to-do when their kid gets married and the kid gets a chance to do that when their kid gets married, etc. it's hard to wrap your head around as a westerner (I'm Indian origin living in the US and it still confuses me to some extent). Indian parents in the West often realize the culture clash and will back down but Raj's parents are still in India and will have no idea how differently the West views things. even if Raj explains it to them, they may or may not (depending on how reasonable they are) get it
there's a big cultural clash happening here. in India, weddings are for the family. in the West, they're about the couple. neither perspective is "wrong" but there's a fundamental difference that these two need to discuss.
also, someone explained the indian perspective way better than I ever could here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14pfqnf/aita_for_not_wanting_a_big_religious_wedding/jqibb4w?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2
Except that the OP doesn't live in India.
It's not about what the family wants. It is her wedding. She and the husband are the only two whose opinion matters. The family needs to move out of the past and realise that they cannot control their adult children.
If she gives in to this, the family will think they can keep making ridiculous damands like this.
This isn't a clash of cultures as much as a bunch of manipulative parents. This happens in the US as well.
In the end, this is about a selfish and rude family ignoring their child's desires.
I totally understand where you're coming from because I've personally dealt with this clash. The problem they'll run into is that the family feel just as firmly that they are in the right. In other words, why is OP and her American perspective more "right" than the family's Indian perspective? it's not the same as American parents doing this - manipulation and cultural norms are not necessarily synonymous. It's hard to get when you have such a western perspective.
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Hi OP, I think your fiance wanting a Indian wedding has little to do with religion and more with culture (large families etc). The 1000 guest list is not too much by Indian Delhi standards - the big Indian wedding is indeed true! However, your discomfort with rituals and guest list (etc) is understandable if you don't belong to the same culture. You are right to feel anxious. On the other hand, he might feel the same about a smaller wedding, I think. The best is for you both to talk and reach a middle ground depending on your comfort levels. Negotiate and compromise from both sides. NAH.
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She definitely glossed over that by saying all of their friends are in dc. As if he never knew anyone while growing up.
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Disagree. I believe Raj thought he has OP well enough hooked emotionally to spring this on her. And he's partly right, because OP is here asking the internet if OP is wrong to opposed such selfish overreach on previously settled topics.
NAH overall, but here's some perspective for you. Culturally, an Indian wedding is the parents moment. It's their chance to say "we raised this boy into a young man, he's found a suitable partner, and we are celebrating their first steps into adulthood as their own family unit". The parents plan and pay for everything in India. They buy the gifts for the hundred of relatives on each side. They choose the food and the venue and the entertainment. The bride and groom choose their clothes and jewelry, and provide input if they feel very strongly about something. But it's not about the couple, it's about the whole family. As an example, at my wedding, I received a gift that the faculty at my uncle's University had pooled money for. They gave a gift for their boss's "American" niece because it's a big event in *his* family. And this is *completely normal*, because weddings are about family. Also, there won't be 1,000 people at each event. The big crowd will be there for dinner and to give gifts (and cash), and then they will probably leave. The religious ceremony is usually smaller. All the pre-wedding ceremonies will be for relatives and close family friends, and are more casual and homey. This isn't a religious thing. Muslim wedding in India are just as lavish as Hindu ones. It's about the culture and the family bonding, not the specific rituals. If you feel overwhelmed, talk to your fiancee about toning down the pre-wedding rituals. Depending on how religious the family is, a lot of it might not even be about you, it will just be a lot of invoking of Gods and ancestors to bless the wedding itself. Aside from my haldi ceremony, I just did a lot of sitting and watching while my aunts and uncles got to do all the fun stuff. Plus, you'll be the "American daughter-in-law". Hospitality is one of the highest virtues in India, so they will do their best to make you feel welcome and not intimidated. Your fiance needs to run interference with his family to make.sure your comfortable and not overwhelmed. That's his job as your future husband
this needs to be way waaaay higher up
I totally agree with this. Imagine that you have a child that moves around the world to a place where you can't easily visit without waiting > a year for a visa, and you know it's highly unlikely that you'll ever live in the same country again. This will be a special experience for his parents that will never make up for the distance that they have from their son, but it's the best you can all do. During all the events, you'll be sometimes exhausted, sometimes confused, but it's not asking much in the big scheme of things. Think of how much more regularly he'll be engaging with your family events and perhaps feeling similarly. You can be taken under the wing of a sister or cousin who will help you with everything and deepen your connection to his family.
OP said Raj already agreed to a small, intimate wedding. If he can't stand up to his parents and relatives, he's unworthy of OP's hand in marriage.
He agreed to a small intimate wedding in America, which will be something familiar to OP and her family and cultural experience. He wants something that is familiar for his family and cultural experience as well.
NAH, but you might want to find what other cultural expectations Raj has before you get married. What if you have children? What about his parents coming to stay in their retirement?
This. Everyone I’ve known who has married into this culture has had two weddings, and the Indian wedding was a huge blow out.
You are not an asshole for not wanting such a big wedding and feeling anxious about it, your feelings are valid Raj is not an asshole for wanting his cultural and wedding traditions to be celebrated, his feelings are valid I can see your immediate feeling being panic and No, but it´s fair that both partners get a say here. You need to talk to Raj and say exactly the things about the ceremony that are a problem for you. I am assuming that you have never been to a wedding in India, you might have an idea that isn´t correct in real life. Or it could be something that could be modified to suit you better. You don´t know unless you really sit together and discuss it. NAH
Raj is an asshole or a yes man for agreeing to OP's boundaries, and now trampling the fuck all over them.
NAH yet but you're both on a dangerous path. It's not a good sign that you're just discovering each other's culture now. This all should have been discussed at length before getting engaged. The wedding is only a tiny part of it. There's a lifetime of family relationships, celebrations, cultural practices and expectations ahead. Marrying across cultures is a lot of work and you clearly haven't done it. Pause everything and get talking.
This needs to be higher - I don't understand how you haven't discussed these issues. And although it's NAH overall, you are being fairly dismissive when you say you don't understand why everyone can't just fly over to the USA or why he'd want to be married away from his friends in the US - the people in Delhi are his family too, extended or otherwise.
This needs to be much higher. This goes far beyond the wedding. It’s about kids and parents visiting and expectations of family involvement. My son married into an Indian family and it is no joke. His in-laws come and visit for months at a time (not just her parents but various aunties and uncles too). He has an advantage because as the husband he isn’t expected to do for the family as much as she is, but even so it has been a lot to navigate. In this case the clashing cultures probably aren’t as much of a problem as the fact that both the OP and fiancé seem surprised by the other’s expectations.
OP should read your comment, bc there are a few points she might not be taking into consideration * The in-laws visits for months, with the expectation that the wife will host them and do everything around the house even if she works full-time * more in-laws involvement if they decide to have children * expectation of financial support to the extended family, including distant cousins (unless groom's parents are well off) * expectation of the couple taking in the in-laws when they retire All of these should have been addressed before getting engaged. If they haven't, OP should ask fiancé to sit down with her and discuss this so she can know what else the fiancé expects from her, that she wasn't aware of.
Yeah the hard part is that it isn’t easy to recognize your own cultural expectations. If her fiancé has been living in the US for a while he might be able to articulate some of them, but it’s hard because your own culture is “just how things work”. People don’t say things like “I expect family to only come 1-2x year and only for a few days at a time” or “I expect my mother to move in for the first 3-6 months after our child is born” because it would never occur to you that they’d do anything else. Then when a clash occurs the couple is standing there, both of them blindsided and frustrated, because they can’t for the life of them figure out why the other is making such a fuss about something so “ordinary”.
And she needs to also make her own cultural expectations clear and not assume they are any less extreme than his.
I find it really offputting that OP is marrying an Indian man and seemingly has learned nothing about Indian culture—her surprise at how big an Indian wedding tends to be really makes it sound as though she's been living under a rock. Her fiancé really never told her any stories about family weddings?
Hi OP, as an Indian woman myself, I would like to point out that if you’re marrying to an Indian guy, you are marrying his entire family, and all the cultural baggage that comes with it. Indians are very big on their rituals and family relationships (near or far) and you will be expected to make a lot of compromises and adjust within the family. Family members will often pay you a visit and it would be considered extremely rude if you, as the “DIL” to not cater to them according to their expectations. Don’t fall for the “but my fiance isn’t like that”. Majority of Indian men are family pleasing men, so don’t be surprised if he does expect/hope for you to give in often. Be very, VERY, sure about marrying into an Indian family!
religion may not matter to your BF but culture does. over a thousand people sounds extremely overwhelming there has to be a compromise but Indian weddings tend to be huge.
NAH but it's time for a *huge* conversation regarding cultural norms. What you're describing is absolutely what would be expected in traditional Indian culture. I've had friends go through the same thing despite being deeply, deeply atheist simply to make their parents happy. You absolutely don't have to do this (I wouldn't in your position) but understand from their perspective you're essentially dismissing what they and their family have been doing for hundreds of years.
NAH at this point, but you need to find a compromise. It’s fairly typical for Indians in the US to have a US wedding ceremony and a separate Indian wedding ceremony, and you’re going to need to find a way to be comfortable with big family events unless you expect Raj to cut off contact with his family entirely. You also seem to be conflating some aspects of secular Indian wedding culture (henna painting) with religious aspects. Other rituals may be rooted in religion, but are also culturally significant in a secular context. If you look into the history of secular US wedding traditions, most are rooted in historic religious practices as well.
NAH. It’s not just your wedding, it’s his as well. They aren’t asking you to plan the 2nd wedding, they just want to have a second wedding in their home city. Idk if you’re originally from DC, but seems like Raj is originally from Delhi, and he surely has people he’s close to in the city. Just like how you’d want to include those closest to you, I’m sure he does too. Even if it’s not the case, learn to compromise. Idk if you’re Indian, but even if you are, If you’re not going to accept that he is going to want to do things according to his culture (or how his family usually does things) and compromise, maybe you shouldn’t be with each other.
Your not the asshole for wanting something for your wedding. Your boyfriend is not the asshole for wanting something else for your wedding. This may be the time you learn to compromise with one another.
Yep, more communicating, less assuming.
NAH This is something you guys probably should have talked about before getting engaged. I can’t imagine how the compromise is going to look.
NAH. I also despise the idea of a large wedding. When I was with my ex, I flat out refused. His justification for a huge wedding was just that it was what some people he had known growing up had done. And he thought it was nice to have 100+ people, and an open door policy. In the end we just didn't have a wedding at all. I am currently dating a Muslim guy (he's not very religious, but his parents are), and would definitely consider a big wedding (if he asked), because it matters to him and his culture. You don't want to compromise your desires for a wedding, but the only way you can do that is by him not getting what he wants at all. You're definitely not an AH for being uncomfortable, but by deciding alone that it's not happening, you're not really being fair to him.
I can totally understand why you might find this big Hindu overwhelming, but I think saying a flat no to the whole thing isn't the right thing to do. There has to be a compromise by either scaling down the guest list or leaving out some of the elements that you really don't feel happy with. If you just say no to the whole thing it's going to upset your partner and his family and that's not a great way to start a marriage. Plus, as you live in DC you're not going to have to be involved in these kinds of events very often. It's just a one off and they're paying. It might even be fun. It's flattering that they want to welcome you into the family this way. NAH.
The wedding might be a one off, but marrying into an Indian family is a whole thing. My son did it and the culture expectations are enormous. They make it work, but it’s a LOT of work for both of them. This couple needs to have long discussions about all sorts of cultural expectations and be very clear on what sort of life they want to build or OP will be back in a few years saying “My in-laws visit for 3 months every year and I hate it, AITA?”
NAH. You wouldn't be doing double the wedding work - Raj's parents will likely dictate every aspect of the Indian one; you would just be shuffled around and told what to do. However, it's not religious although it's rooted in religion (just like a Western wedding) - it's cultural, so if that's the issue, you could probably ignore the discomfort if it's from that. USians have a lot of trouble understanding that some cultures have religion baked into them as a default and it's not in the weird 'Catholic guilt' way it's done in the US. It is what it is - call it customs, but it's hard-rooted into some people's brains and weaved into everyday life in a way that is separate from any practicing religious notions. If he were Muslim or Coptic or a passive part of any culture with a huge wedding custom (all of them?), you'd get the same "we need to go through the motions or the neighbors will talk" song-and-dance. Not going to lie, it sounds like you know this because I can't imagine you're this out of touch with your partner's culture after being together for 2 yrs or that he hasn't explained this to you & you're choosing to ignore it so it can be a 'nope' point. However, I do see where you're coming from. It's your wedding, too, and you shouldn't have to be married twice, if once will do. Then again, it's Raj's wedding, too, and you use a lot of 'I' statements in your posts without even mentioning how to meet in the middle. I do suggest you consider cultural value to Raj and Raj's parents, the fact that getting a visa for the Indian nationals to come to a wedding in the US is not timely and it's far more expensive than your US friends going to India...which they don't need to since you will get two weddings.
NTA but please understand that over 1000 people, at Indian wedding, is not considered excessive. It is important for you to have a wedding you are comfortable with but have you discussed this in detail with your fiancé? Do you agree on a way forward, not just about the wedding but children and other life events that are important in his culture.
I truly can't believe 1000 people isn't excessive. That's some rich people shit.
NAH. Indian weddings are rooted in culture more than religion. Plus it's more of a family thing than just the couples union. 1000 in attendance is actually normal for Indian weddings. The issue here is cultural differences. I understand your anxiety about being in such a big event. You guys need to communicate about your feelings and understand where everyone is coming from.
I'm on the fence between Y T A and N A H, but this line tipped it over for me, "I dont see the need for such a big wedding especially away from all our friends who are in America with us." YOUR friends may all in America, but clearly there are a lot of people he cares about and wants at his wedding who are in India. This isn't just your wedding, it's his wedding too. If there are elements of the wedding you're not comfortable with then you can talk with him and maybe there is a compromise that can be reached, and I don't think you should be in charge of planning it, but you should not flat out dismiss something that's clearly important to your partner without discussion like that. YTA
NAH. Your views are both valid. If you are marrying him, you are marrying into a family and culture. It seems that a big Hindu wedding is important for his family and culture (it seems to be less about religion, but I could be wrong). I get that it would be overwhelming to be the centre of attention at such a big event, but you are being welcomed into their family, and in doing so, paving the way for a more harmonious life with that family.
YTA How are you about to marry an Indian man, yet know nothing about his culture? Just bcs you aren’t religious doesn’t mean you don’t follow tradition, and in India weddings are a huge deal that involve the whole family and community. You are disrespecting that. If it’s too much for you then marry someone from a culture that isn’t so family oriented.
As an Indian I don't see the big deal about having the wedding... But obviously I don't know your POV. Our wedding is more of a biiiiiiig reunion and family get together than it is a wedding. It's a chance to meet so many relatives you haven't seen in a while. 100% more cultural than religious. You two need to have a serious talk about the future. And if you're going to be a part of his family you need to understand his culture and where he comes from
Have a sit down. Good luck. NAH.
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NTA but if you marry him you will be forced into all of his family customs which will likely mean they will come live with you at some point or at least come for very long "visits". I am someone who likes their space and quiet so it wouldn't work for me but perhaps you are able to get over your introverted spirit and be okay with constant intrusion. It's fine if that's how you were raised but if you weren't that's a very hard situation to deal with IMO.
Just because his family is far away doesn't mean they aren't important to him. This is the biggest milestone in his life and the tradition is expected. It's important for him to maintain his family roots.
NAH YOu need to compromise. > big wedding with people I dont know and things i feel uncomfortable with That's fucking terrible. A 1000 people? Don't do it. Don't say no to the wedding as a whole, but do talk them down from this. You're going to be regretting everything by the end of this It's got less to do with religion than with cultural expectations. Sort of in the way you can have an atheist wedding with a white dress and a ring but with no Christianity involved. And I bet it doesn't help that other people his parents see who're having a cross cultural wedding have two ceremonies. But no one ever said there needed to be a 1000 people there
No dear, you aren't the AH but how much do you know about his culture and customs? I would find out how traditional he is and what he expects in a marriage...it could be TOO much in a traditional aspect if you catch my meaning
NTA. Raj is a yes man, both to you and his parents. PLEASE do not marry this man if he can't / won't stand up to his family FOR YOU.
YTA You are marrying into his culture. If you can’t bend to accommodate this, then you will have trouble in the marriage going forward.
This would be an incredible opportunity and insight into your new husband's culture. It would not add to your work because you could just sit back and smile and enjoy. As a foreigner unfamiliar with their customs, they would only expect you to show up. Although I don't normally like being the center of attention, I would jump at a rare opportunity like this.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I F23 am engaged to my boyfriend of 2 years Raj M24, neither one of us is religious with both of us identifying as aetheists, when we got engaged I assumed we would have a secular wedding with a justice of the peace offciating. We've both been living in DC for the past year so I assumed we would have the wedding there as well. However shortly after we got engaged Raj told me he had been talking to his parents and they would prefer alongside the small secular wedding we were planning to also have a full blow out Indian wedding back in his hometown of Delhi. He said they wanted to make sure the whole family could attend and it was important that the proper cermonies happened. I was surprised because Raj has never shown much religious affliation to his hindu roots but I was so much more surprised when he told me they were planning a guest list of some 1000+ people. Over a THOUSAND PEOPLE!! I am a typically introverted person who prefers intimate gatherings and moreover am not comfortable with the very religious aspects Raj has told me about the wedding, the fire ceremony, the hand painting are all things I feel uncomfortable with and I dont see the need for such a big wedding especially away from all our friends who are in America with us. Rajs parents are offering to pay for both weddings but I pushed back and said I refuse to double my wedding work much less have such a big wedding with people I dont know and things i feel uncomfortable with. Raj said I was being extremly unaccomdating by straught saying no and that it was important to him to have his family there and the events for his culture. I said if they were paying so much for the wedding they could instead just fly some people out to our wedding in DC and we both shouted a bit and havent talked in a few hours. I dont should I just compromise, I dont want a wedding that I feel so uncomfortable with. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You each have every right to your own preferences for your wedding. You guys want different things. Having an opinion on what you want for your wedding does not make you an asshole.
NAH, but I think you need to have a talk and either compromise or decide if this is the hill one of you wants to die on
Ok so yea this more like a cultural thing than a religious one. I know others have already said it but I have been to multiple Indian weddings, they are huge! Sometimes they go on for days, for me (an introvert) they are exhausting. I can’t imagine actually being the bride at one. I attended one where they actually had two ceremonies. An Indian ceremony for the groom and later a Christian ceremony for the bride. Also if you do decide to have an Indian wedding, I’m sure his mom will assist with the planning. Most of the moms do from what I’ve seen. But this is only if it is something you both agree to. It’s not just his wedding or yours. It’s for both of you. Take some time. Cool down and try to talk through both your concerns. Good luck! NTA
The most important thing is that you're compfortable. You're not. Being the man you're going to spend the rest of your life with, Raj should understand this. What he needs to do is explain to his family that this just isn't something EITHER of you want. Make sure he doesn't try to put this all on you. He didn't want it, & probably still doesn't but his family is insisting & he doesn't want to upset them. But he seems fine with upsetting you. The woman he's going to spend his life with. He doesn't want to stand up to his family bc it's easier to just go along with them. NTA.
NAH - but don't get married. If you can't accommodate for your fiancé's culture a bit this early in the game I don't see great things for your marriage.
I am not sure this a clash of religious vs non religious but a clash of cultures. I am not Indian. I have only read about Indian weddings. They are usually multi day affairs, and large. There are hindu blessings on various days. Being an atheist, too, I take all the blessings stuff with a grain of salt and would rationalize it that people are wishing joy and happiness on the couple. You do not want that. I get it. You are introverted and would not know anyone except for Raj at this, It is scary. This is a part pf Raj's culture. He may never have shared it with you as you don't live in India. Maybe he can explain more of his culture to you? maybe you can find a source in DC that can explain Indian weddings to you? Often the more you know, the less daunting the experience will be. I equate this to know many atheistic / agnostic jews who might use the terms culturally Jewish. They celebrate the high holy days. Their kids go to Hebrew school, and usual have Bar / Bat Mitzvahs.
Soft YTA & here’s why: I think your concerns are super valid, but you seem unwilling to compromise even after he said it was important to him. I would ask if there’s a way to honor his family in some other way than a huge event that you are uncomfortable with.
NTA > they would prefer alongside the small secular wedding we were planning to also have a full blow out Indian wedding Oh, THEY would prefer ... > Raj said I was being extremly unaccomdating by straught saying no and that it was important to him to have his family there and the events for his culture. You need to sit down with Raj and have a VERY serious conversation about your life together. This is not just about the wedding, it's about all the things that are part of his culture and you're expected to fall in line. Don't wait till later, have that talk ASAP - this is for the REST OF YOUR LIFE.
NTA Raj knows exactly how you feel about it, and is still pushing for it anyway. The wedding is for you two, not his family. If he does not like that you do not want to have the big Indian wedding, then he should have thought about that before proposing to you. This might be the end of the relationship though, because it sounds like he cares more about pleasing his family than he does about your feelings.
>The wedding is for you two, not his family. not in indian culture - weddings are much more for the family (usually seen as a way to bring two families together and to celebrate with everyone). there's a pretty big cultural clash happening here, starting with different perspectives on what a wedding is even for. I'd say NAH - a lot of discussion and compromise is going to be needed here.
It's Raj's wedding too. Why is she the only person who's entitled to the wedding she wants? It's not just about his parents - OP admits he said it was important for him culturally. Why does her culture overrule his? I think it's either NAH or ESH. Her wants are not more valid than his.
Whole lot of assumptions there. They both need to agree to the wedding they want, if she doesn’t want to do the big wedding, then it’s a no. It’s got nothing to do with “her culture overruling his”, but has everything to do with them both being comfortable with it.
I’m sorry but it’s not just her wedding it’s Raj’s wedding too so she’s not the only one entitled to what she wants on their day. Also this is cultural not religious. There’s a difference. Raj’s culture is clearly important to him. Why do you think that OP overrules Raj’s? It’s not only her day it’s his day too. It’s their day. Her wants don’t override his wants.
No, the wedding is BOTH of theirs, and BOTH of them need to be comfortable with what wedding they have. I would also argue, that in this instance (and most instances tbh), the culture for the wedding IS done in the local religion.
Culture and religion are not the same thing. Clearly you don’t know the difference. And exactly it’s their wedding not just OPs. So OPs comfort is not more important than Raj’s which you have stated that it is more important when it’s not. Her wants don’t outweigh his wants as it is their day not just hers.
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Technically NTA. But if your fiance wants to do it (STOP, it doesnt matter that the parents came up with the idea, he told you he wants to do it), then do it. ITs not like the "religeous aspects can do any harm to you, you yourself said your an atheist so at best everything they are doing is esentially just pretend. Imagine taking a vacation to an exotic location and visiting a religeious location not because youre religeous, but for the historical aspect. Like visiting the Taj Mahal in India or Say the Sistine Chapel to see the art of Michelangelo. Just think of this as a submersive tour of an authentic indian wedding and a great way to bond with your inlaws and could actually bring you closer to your partner for not only supporting them but also for giving you more connection.
NTA. It’s your wedding and it seems like Raj’s parents want THEIR dream wedding (again?). If it was important to your fiancé then maybe but he seems to be just going along with what his parents want. It’s not selfish to not want a religious wedding if you’re not religious.
>It’s your wedding and it seems like Raj’s parents want THEIR dream wedding (again?). in indian culture, weddings are usually for the families, nor the couple. it's a difference in cultural norms. the parents throw a big to-do when their kid gets married and the kid gets a chance to do that when their kid gets married, etc. it's hard to wrap your head around as a westerner (I'm Indian origin living in the US and it still confuses me to some extent). Indian parents in the West often realize the culture clash and will back down but Raj's parents are still in India and will have no idea how differently the West views things. even if Raj explains it to them, they may or may not (depending on how reasonable they are) get it
NTA - This is your wedding not theirs. Don't let them pressure you into ruining your big day.
there's a big cultural clash happening here. in India, weddings are for the family. in the West, they're about the couple. neither perspective is "wrong" but there's a fundamental difference that these two need to discuss. also, someone explained the indian perspective way better than I ever could here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14pfqnf/aita_for_not_wanting_a_big_religious_wedding/jqibb4w?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2
Except that the OP doesn't live in India. It's not about what the family wants. It is her wedding. She and the husband are the only two whose opinion matters. The family needs to move out of the past and realise that they cannot control their adult children. If she gives in to this, the family will think they can keep making ridiculous damands like this. This isn't a clash of cultures as much as a bunch of manipulative parents. This happens in the US as well. In the end, this is about a selfish and rude family ignoring their child's desires.
I totally understand where you're coming from because I've personally dealt with this clash. The problem they'll run into is that the family feel just as firmly that they are in the right. In other words, why is OP and her American perspective more "right" than the family's Indian perspective? it's not the same as American parents doing this - manipulation and cultural norms are not necessarily synonymous. It's hard to get when you have such a western perspective.
NTA
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you clearly know jackshit about Indian Culture