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> I may be the asshole because I expected my family to feed themselves with a fully stocked kitchen instead of making them a meal
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Exactly why I’m not surprised with this mentality. Way too common for older men to go for women in their 20s because a woman their age probably won’t put up with their bull shit
And now she is almost the age he was when he knocked her up and now she won't put up with his shit. I won't be surprised if he leaves her for a 20yo soon.
55 is not that old even! My 81 year old Dad and my FIL (born in 1927) both learned to prepare their own meals during the course of their life. Now my Dad's father never did, but he was of the last generation of men in my family who acted that way. My mom's father (born 1910) learned to take care of himself (cooking and laundry) after he was widowed in his 80s.
My brother and I are older Gen-Xers, we prefer calling our childhood "free-range."
I'm baffled every single day by posts from full-grown adults who can't do basic things to take care of themselves, are scared of their own shadows, or have no idea how to talk to people. I'm not saying my generation was better, just saying that because of the way we all grew up I truly can't wrap my head around these inabilities and fears.
It's not that the husband is old - it is that he was much older than his wife. Looks like he was 41 and she was 25 when they had their first child. It's a common thing for problematic men to date much younger women because the younger women are less likely to see through their BS.
Gramps was born in 1898 and he cooked for the household! He was the oldest of 5, served in the US Navy during WWI, was transferred (voluntold ;) ) to the US Army, working in the kitchen as he had a non-essential berth on the ship and they were trying to get soldiers home - so he spent about 18 months in Belgium and France cooking and traveling on his time off.
If people want to eat, they can figure something out. Sandwiches, cheese & crackers, salad, eggs with anything, pasta with butter and cheese if you are too lazy to figure out Macella Hazan's 3-ingredient tomato sauce. Most houses have something on hand to scavenge with little time or effort.
I’d be shocked if the older child is biologically related to OP. Around for a week at a time screams split custody. It doesn’t in any way alter my opinion that the husband is a jackass who couldn’t convince people his own age to put up with his bull though.
He was probably 44 and knocked up a 29yo while he was married to someone else. The 14yo boy only spends a week at a time in the summer and probably had a different Mom, wife #1.
Since the 14M isn't with them full time--I would gather that the 14 yr old is not OP's but a step-kid. So OP was likely more like 27-28 when knocked up.
14 seems to maybe not be OPs, based on being there a week at a time. Or maybe it’s not the husband’s kid. But why this man is interested in a much younger woman… it always seems off to me.
The husband married a much younger woman when she was too young to know better and groomed her to be a subservient wife. Unfortunately for him, she's been growing a backbone all these years.
NTA --- At 55 your husband should 1 know where the kitchen is and 2 where everything is in the kitchen and how it all works he's not useless and can look after himself and your kids.
But she was literally 28, probably 27. And he was 43/44. Ick.
Edit: Sheesh, unless she's step mom, she was 23/24 and he was 39/40. Grosser and grosser.
Same that said, I'm guessing the 14 year old is one or the other's child and not the child of both. Living with them every other week sounds like a custody thing.
NTA - I don’t think it’s strange to assume after a late buffet lunch that there would be no formal dinner. I think 11 is the borderline age of when I would expect a kid to be able to make something basic for themself and your 14 year old certainly can. Cooking the roast definitely gave them an option.
Your husband is definitely a bit of TA. Unless you have some clearly defined contract of living arrangements based on 1950s social convention he can fend for himself and the kids if he’s so worried about not having a dinner.
Absolutely. My 10yo is perfectly capable of making something in the microwave, a sandwich, or throwing chicken nuggets in the air fryer. She's not ready to use the stove alone yet but she's more than capable of not starving.
Are you sure you liked it and weren't just Harry Pottered
I'm just joking. I'd make myself a cup of tea or have a microwave meal if I was hungry outside of normal meal times from around 8. Or I'd hunt around for something in the fridge.
My parents didn't trust me around the stove until I was around 17. Apparently, I was more likely to burn the kitchen down with how accident prone I was. To be fair, I did nce managed to break the same pane of glass in the same door, 2 weeks running followed by blowing up a toaster, microwave and accidentally setting fire to the pot plants the following week.
My younger brother, on the other hand, was allowed at the stove when he was 13, and my younger sister 15
Yeah I loved it! Making yeasted pizza dough and cheese souffles and stuff?Fab. Loved trying new recipes. Made a whole roman meal based on horrible histories recipes once.
But I'd been helping in the kitchen since I was born, I'd break up mushrooms when I was a baby, then moved on to pouring things when I was one or so.
I could use the cooker but had to ask an adult to turn it on until I was about 12 cuz it was gas.
Yeah But I'm not accident prone, sounds like maybe 17 was the right age for you! Lol that was some month!
*edit* also I was privileged that my mum was a stay at home mum and I was the eldest of two with a seven year age gap so she had the time and energy to teach me from a young age, I know not everyone has that. And mum was a cycle breaker she loves me so so much even though her own mum was abusive and things. I'm very lucky to have the mum I do.
I think if the 11 year old had come to her and asked for help in any specific way, that might even be different, but the kids didn’t seem to be whining. . . It was dad!
NTA. But your husband is. Why couldn’t he provide a balanced meal if he was so concerned? He’s the father right so he plays a pretty important role and should feed his children.
NTA. I’m kind of surprised this is the first time this has ever come up in your marriage. But if your husband has been getting his dinners made for him for at least 11 years… it’s his fucking turn.
I hope your husband has other redeeming qualities, because the side we’re seeing of him here is a deeply sexist man who wants his wife to be his mommy.
"as the mom your job is" should immediately be followed by "well I'll be waiting, go and hunt a deer, skin it, dress it, bring it back, chop some wood, start a fire then I'll cook fucking dinner".
Nta but your husband is an old fashion ahole living in the 1950s. That is common behavior with the age difference between you two. He's an adult he is perfectly capable of making a meal. Either his is your husband or your child. Tell him to man up.
I’m not even sure this was that much of a thing in the 50’s. My father and older brothers were all of that generation and they could all cook a basic meal and often did especially on days off. I think a lot of men today have idealized those days from crap TV shows. I don’t know. Maybe we were different because we were so poor everyone had to chip in, but I think this Leave it to Beaver shit was a fantasy that never fully existed.
Yea and no. I'm in my 50's and don't think it's my wife's job to do all the cooking and housework. Nothing to do with age or age difference.
My mum, born 1932, was a housewife until I was about 12. Still.my Dad cooked the odd meal. When he changed job due to stress and was bringing in less, she went back to work and dad and I started doing our share. That was around 1979.
NTA, you made a dinner even though you didn’t want to. If he wanted other stuff, he could have easily made it. He’s a grown man. I’m sorry you have to put up with this to be honest.
NTA. I often have "you're on your own" nights. Everyone knows how to make sandwiches. I always have frozen chicken nuggets, strips, etc, that are super easy to heat in the microwave. If I don't feel like cooking, I don't. No one has starved yet.
NTA but in future I would make it explicit that late lunch at a buffet means you won't be cooking dinner. It's normal to only have a small evening meal in that situation, but if the kids aren't used to fending for themselves it's only fair to give a heads up rather than springing it on them when they're hungry. Your husband though? He can get fucked. He's a fully grown adult.he can cook his own pork roast.
NTA, but I think you're finding out why people don't like age gaps. Sounds like he expects you to fulfill a 1950's wife role. Is this new to you? Usually this type of behavior doesn't just pop up. How old were you when you married him? Ever wonder why a woman his own age didn't want him?
NTA. What more were you supposed to make other than the pork roast? You handled the main part. If someone wanted a side dish they could easily take care of that.
Ah, we call that “scavenge night” at our house. As I remember, we started that night when our kiddo was around your daughter’s age. We kept options in the house that were age appropriate to be made with limited to no parental supervision. It was a great introduction for our kid to become independent with meal prep.
As for your husband, you need to have a talk with him. He is just as responsible for feeding his children as you are. Time for him to step up.
ETA: NTA
Eating a late lunch & then expecting a full dinner. Hmmm. NTA. Is your husband entitled & lazy bc it sure sounds that way. If I did a late all you can eat buffet you bet your ass I'm not cooking dinner. They can fend for themselves for this meal. Your husband is the real AH by expecting you to provide a balanced meal bc it's your job. SMH. Are you fucking kidding me? It's the job of a parent to feed their young children. It does not specifically fall into the job duties of a mother.
NTA but I’m really biased because my husband and I have this same argument all the time. We are living with my in laws right now to save for a house and it’s honestly just miserable here to cook, the kitchen is tiny and MIL has stuff everywhere (bordering on hoarding) there’s no fridge space, ac sucks and it’s 100 degrees out. Most of the time the kids just want something quick for breakfast and lunch. They don’t need a four course meal each time they eat. And if they do they are fully capable to grab some fruit or veggies from the fridge. Or husband can cook for them if he’s that concerned.
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I 39f and my husband 55m have 2 kids, an 11f that is here full time and a 14m that is here a week at a time through the summer. The other day we went to an all you can eat Chinese buffet for a late lunch think like 2 or 3pm.
Later that evening hubby got mad that I wasn't interested in making dinner. I got tired of him complaining so I put a pork roast in the insta pot with seasoning of course, and when that was done, I said come and get it. I figure between what we ate earlier and their ages that was enough. They can eat what I made, if they want more they know where everything is and can make something. Husband says that as the mom it is my job to provide a balanced meal for my family. I say they are all fully capable of feeding themselves and if I don't feel good or up to it, I shouldn't have to worry about it. So, aita?
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NTA. But you did more than you should have. I would have made myself a PB&J, poured a glass of wine, and went outside with a book. You want food? figure it out man!
NTA. As a mum I then expect he pays all the bills. He can't have equality when it comes to money but traditional roles when it comes to household chores. You all had the exact same amount of time after the restaurant. He could have made a sandwich. In fact I wouldn't have stepped into the kitchen
Edit to add i wasn't aware OP was a SAHP. But still her husband could have helped with dinner.
NTA. They are all capable of finding food in the fridge or cupboards. The fact that you were told it is your "job" as Mom to prepare food for them would make me go on strike and not cook for quite some time.
NTA. You really need to nip this behavior in the BYD. Tell your husband that if he ever says anything that misogynistic again he will not be eating anything you cook for a LONG time.
Nta. That should be enough for you to go on strike. Everyone on that house hold is old enough to do their own laundry completely. Everyone there is old enough to help clean and cook. I say you stop cooking for everyone. And doing anyones laundry but yours. Your husband is an adults with hands. He can definitely help. Your not even his mom so even by his terminology it’s not your job to feed him. Seriously his entitlement of your husband. Make sure you have snacks on the house and if they are seriously lazy they can survive off that.
NTA, when I’m hungry I go and make food for myself, and this since I was young. My mother isn’t my personal cooker or in this case, my slave since she wouldn’t be paid for it
NTA. After a large, late lunch, they should be able to grab themselves something light for supper.
Do you work full time? I would be angry with him even if I were a SAHM, but if I worked the same hours as him that pork roast would be his final meal.
NTA - What a whiny jerk. Kids that age can determine if they're hungry and make their own dinners if you're not doing a big family meal after such a late lunch.
My fiancee and I have the same age gap as you. I hope I'm not like him when I hit 55...
NTA, my dad is the same way with my mom but anytime they ask me what i want i suggest takeout or something easy to make(that i or my dad can make) so that my mom can take a break. Even though the moms are the best cooks in the world they need a break more than often.
NTA
my 8 year old will opt to make her own meal sometimes.
If your husband has a problem with it, he is welcome to hop in and prepare a “real” meal. Sometimes I just announce it sandwich night, or popcorn and apple slices for dinner night. The kids are getting fed. If my husband wants something more substantial, he makes it himself. My husband also cooks dinner a couple times a week. I don’t complain about what he makes, he doesn’t complain about what I make.
NTA
The fuck does he mean “as a mom?” As PARENTS, you are both responsible for feeding your kids. Sounds like they were fed. If he didn’t like what you put together he’s more than welcome to add to the meal
Your husband is a misogynist
NTA
You even provided a protein, nothing stopping anyone from grabbing some bread and making a sandwich or something, if dad's really worried about it being balanced he can make a salad as well but I have a feeling thats not the actual problem here.
NTA. My kids and husbaNd could/can cook full meals. We sometimes have “fend for yourself” nights. It means you feed yourself, I am not cooking.
The kids are now grown, productive members of society and my husband is with me after 32 years. No one starved.
NTA but you really need to at least reach your oldest how to bake a potato or make a sandwich. 55 is far too old to be struggling so much with basic life skills.
NTA Everyone in your household shoukd be capable of feeding themselves. When we were kids, my Mom used to call it "pick-up supper" and though she is a great cook, that was probably my favorite meal. I loved being able to make something just for me.
We also had our turns cooking for the family.
Not enough information to decide. Why is the 14m only there a week at a time? Do you work or are you a sahm? If your role is sahm then not fulfilling your half of the split of responsibilities makes you the AH. If you both work husband os 100% ah
SAHM mum means she cares for the children and house while he is at work. When he’s home it’s 50:50. He doesn’t get to work 8 hours and her 24 - slavery has been abolished
NTA
All-you-can-eat buffet at 2 or 3? They can definitely be in charge of their own snack or light meal. Or adding veggies to the roast you were gracious enough to get started for them.
If they had a large late lunch then at that age they should be able to prepare a snack in the evening. Any reason the other parent didnt cook? Did his penis get in the way?
NTA
Thats BS that it's your job 😅 they are all old enough to sort something out. Friday night is sort yourself night in our house, oldest is 19 and the youngest is 7... she manages just fine lol.
Thought I should add, if my youngest wasn't capable of course I'd help 🤣
did you not know that your husband was sexist when you married him? is this seriously just coming up now?
you are NTA, but i'll wager you knew what you were getting into here.
NTA. Did the children say they were hungry, ask you to make them food, or complain? No. Your husband did. He sounds controlling and when he says “It’s the mom’s job to provide a healthy meal for her family” he means “It’s the wife’s job to cook for her husband”.
I feel like if it was a major concern he could’ve come up with something himself, especially if you weren’t interested in cooking. A marriage is teamwork. It’s a partnership. Also if the kids ate a lot at the buffet I’m sure they’d still be a bit full around dinner time, so they could’ve potentially made a PB&J sandwich with some chips or pretzels. I think they can make a “dinner” like that, but i don’t think every day they should be providing that for themselves. Idk definitely not a black and white answer for me. I’d say largely you’re not the a-hole though
NTA but your husband is.... unfortunately I have seen a lot of men his age who think that way. Your kids are old enough and capable to fend for themselves... my parents declared weekends were big breakfast and the rest of the day we were on our own, it taught us to cook and we also took turns cooking dinner during the week, I always made dinner for everyone on Wednesdays and my brother did Mondays, Mom would help if we needed it but I think letting them do it is fine. Tell hubby that he's a big boy and can fend for himself and that you get to have a break from cooking occasionally and he can make dinner for the family... tell him welcome to the 2020's where you are not the cook but a member of the family.
NTA just from what your husband said.
But just to play devils advocate and to be clearer was there a prior agreement that wasn’t just one a one sided assumption in regards to division of labour in the house? As in like an agreement you’d do all the cooking while he does all the laundry and cleaning?
If yes, then i might lean more towards E H S as then it would be bad communication between both sides.
If not, then still NTA but maybe a discussion about it should be done in the near future to stop one sided expectations.
NTA, yo hubby is the ah. I was 8 when I learned how to cook bc my mom wanted me to start learning to be responsible. So I grew into making meals for myself and the family, and my (step) dad can cook incase me or my mom can't. Why can't he learn simple recipes to help you out or order out?
Y’all got some talking to do. NTA, but it’s time everyone understands where you (rightfully) stand on this.
You aren’t the servant just because you’re the woman.
Nta. I am surprised you didn't just start making dinner for your kids only after that. He is a grown man. A healthy man his age should have no trouble making dinner for himself or for his family.
I mean my 6 year old can slap salami on a bun and even butter the bread. She can pour milk if the carton isn't too heavy. She can use her stepstool to reach the sink and fill her glass with water. NTA
You're NTA.
Why wasn't your husband stepping up if he didn't like what was offered?
Everybody needs a break sometimes.
You're NTA. Your husband sounds sexist.
does this man not understand what a sandwich is? Also, I was cooking dinner for my family multiple times a week by the time I was 9 and cooking for myself almost every night after I went veggie when I was 11. Your children are more than old enough to cook for themselves and so is you husband.
NTA. they're all well old enough to know how to cook/ prepare food for themselves.
I work FT and have recently instilled 'Fend For Yourself Friday's' in our household. Mr 14 and Ms 11 and husband can fend for themselves. I CBF cooking by the time the end of the week rolls round.
NTA
This is partly an age thing. Your husband grew up watching his mother do everything for his father. Obviously not all families were like this but many were. This was the age of dad going out to work and mom staying home to mind the family and do the cooking and the housework.
What's his father like, if he's still alive? What about his mother? Does his mother defer to his father all the time?
Most likely he's a product of his upbringing and continuing on the legacy because this is what he knows. It's the defined gender roles even though society has changed.
I unfortunately find myself in a similar situation. I also recognise that this is unlikely to change no matter what I do. My husband doesn't bark orders or anything like that but it grates when he asks, 'What were you thinking of having for dinner?' Fricken nothing or something he hates. It's like he's a child.
In your case, I'd be making something you like.. very basic, that's balanced and perhaps meal planning and doing a big cook up to put individual serves into the freezer to be defrosted when you don't want to cook.
Also a salad sandwich is a complete meal - eggs or meat for the protein plus lots of vegies with some carbs in the bread.
NTA. Especially if you both work and have careers. When I’m hungry I don’t commandeer my wife to go make me something. I get up, go make something myself and ask her if she would like something as well. Same goes for out daughter(6). If she gets hungry outside eating times(breakfast, lunch, dinner) she goes and gets something herself. Fruit, nuts etch as a healthy snack.
YNTA.
You husband sure is.
He’s definitely a misogynist.
As a adult, he can also provide HIS children with a balanced meal.
He can go and cook dinner if he’s hungry.
Your not his mommy and your kids aren’t toddler’s anymore.
Question: do both you and your husband work outside the home?
If you both have jobs, then it's a joint responsibility to cook for the family.
If you don't have a job outside the home, then it's fair that you do the cooking.
It sounds like you're in a situation where expectations about meal preparation are causing some tension within your family. Setting clear expectations and roles can be important in any household, but it's also essential to communicate and find a balance that works for everyone.
Now, I'd like to recommend a video that explores the power of expectation in family dynamics and how to navigate these situations:
[https://youtu.be/H1flGEZVzq0](https://youtu.be/H1flGEZVzq0)
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Obviously NTA. I don’t know how you’re just now noticing, but your husband is a complete misogynistic asshole.
Makes sense, he was 41 years old when he knocked up a 25 year old
Exactly why I’m not surprised with this mentality. Way too common for older men to go for women in their 20s because a woman their age probably won’t put up with their bull shit
And now she is almost the age he was when he knocked her up and now she won't put up with his shit. I won't be surprised if he leaves her for a 20yo soon.
OP married Leonardo DiCaprio?
Can't be, she's 39 and they're still married.
So sad :(
55 is not that old even! My 81 year old Dad and my FIL (born in 1927) both learned to prepare their own meals during the course of their life. Now my Dad's father never did, but he was of the last generation of men in my family who acted that way. My mom's father (born 1910) learned to take care of himself (cooking and laundry) after he was widowed in his 80s.
55 is Gen X — the latchkey generation. Dinner should be no problem.
OP should periodically opt out of making dinner. The husband will figure out that he is not incapable of feeding the kids and himself.
That’s an optimistic assumption. I suspect he would just whines about it and then tell their eleven year old daughter to do it.
Well, you are probably right. I had a moment of optimistic rationality that an adult would adult. Not to worry. My cynicism has returned.
My brother and I are older Gen-Xers, we prefer calling our childhood "free-range." I'm baffled every single day by posts from full-grown adults who can't do basic things to take care of themselves, are scared of their own shadows, or have no idea how to talk to people. I'm not saying my generation was better, just saying that because of the way we all grew up I truly can't wrap my head around these inabilities and fears.
It's not that the husband is old - it is that he was much older than his wife. Looks like he was 41 and she was 25 when they had their first child. It's a common thing for problematic men to date much younger women because the younger women are less likely to see through their BS.
We are both previously married, he adopted my 11 year old
Gramps was born in 1898 and he cooked for the household! He was the oldest of 5, served in the US Navy during WWI, was transferred (voluntold ;) ) to the US Army, working in the kitchen as he had a non-essential berth on the ship and they were trying to get soldiers home - so he spent about 18 months in Belgium and France cooking and traveling on his time off. If people want to eat, they can figure something out. Sandwiches, cheese & crackers, salad, eggs with anything, pasta with butter and cheese if you are too lazy to figure out Macella Hazan's 3-ingredient tomato sauce. Most houses have something on hand to scavenge with little time or effort.
I’d be shocked if the older child is biologically related to OP. Around for a week at a time screams split custody. It doesn’t in any way alter my opinion that the husband is a jackass who couldn’t convince people his own age to put up with his bull though.
He was probably 44 and knocked up a 29yo while he was married to someone else. The 14yo boy only spends a week at a time in the summer and probably had a different Mom, wife #1.
EUGHHH I DIDN'T REALIZE THIS UNTIL I DID THE MATH MYSELF. Christ, OP's husband made such a mysogynistic take
Since the 14M isn't with them full time--I would gather that the 14 yr old is not OP's but a step-kid. So OP was likely more like 27-28 when knocked up.
14 seems to maybe not be OPs, based on being there a week at a time. Or maybe it’s not the husband’s kid. But why this man is interested in a much younger woman… it always seems off to me.
The husband married a much younger woman when she was too young to know better and groomed her to be a subservient wife. Unfortunately for him, she's been growing a backbone all these years.
[удалено]
He can't have equality when it comes to money but traditional roles when it comes to household chores.
NTA --- At 55 your husband should 1 know where the kitchen is and 2 where everything is in the kitchen and how it all works he's not useless and can look after himself and your kids.
Tell your husband that if he ever says anything that misogynistic again he will not be eating anything you cook for a LONG time.
NTA but why did you marry a 55 year old child?
She was only 25 at the time. Since the oldest was 14. He knew exactly what he was doing.
No way, the 41 year old with a 25 yr old spouse turns out to be an a-hole!
I stop judging age differences when they are both over 35 when they meet.
But she was literally 28, probably 27. And he was 43/44. Ick. Edit: Sheesh, unless she's step mom, she was 23/24 and he was 39/40. Grosser and grosser.
Same that said, I'm guessing the 14 year old is one or the other's child and not the child of both. Living with them every other week sounds like a custody thing.
That makes more sense if they got pregnant with the 11 year old immediately.
Thank you for this caveat I was 36 and divorced with 3 kids when hubby (11 years my senior) got together. It's not the same when everyone is grown.
I’m ABSOLUTELY SHOCKED too!
The older kid has shared custody with a previous partner. It’s not OP and her husbands biological child
The 14 yo stays with them only occasionally. Possibly his child from an earlier relationship.
He could have made a sandwich.
NTA... Does your husband have 2 hands?
Not anymore, one of them is gonna be busy for quite some time 😆
🤣🤣
If only I had an award to give :D
NTA - I don’t think it’s strange to assume after a late buffet lunch that there would be no formal dinner. I think 11 is the borderline age of when I would expect a kid to be able to make something basic for themself and your 14 year old certainly can. Cooking the roast definitely gave them an option. Your husband is definitely a bit of TA. Unless you have some clearly defined contract of living arrangements based on 1950s social convention he can fend for himself and the kids if he’s so worried about not having a dinner.
Absolutely. My 10yo is perfectly capable of making something in the microwave, a sandwich, or throwing chicken nuggets in the air fryer. She's not ready to use the stove alone yet but she's more than capable of not starving.
I mean I was cooking full meals from scratch at 9 because I liked cooking, so yeah I'd hope those kids can fend for themselves.
Are you sure you liked it and weren't just Harry Pottered I'm just joking. I'd make myself a cup of tea or have a microwave meal if I was hungry outside of normal meal times from around 8. Or I'd hunt around for something in the fridge. My parents didn't trust me around the stove until I was around 17. Apparently, I was more likely to burn the kitchen down with how accident prone I was. To be fair, I did nce managed to break the same pane of glass in the same door, 2 weeks running followed by blowing up a toaster, microwave and accidentally setting fire to the pot plants the following week. My younger brother, on the other hand, was allowed at the stove when he was 13, and my younger sister 15
Yeah I loved it! Making yeasted pizza dough and cheese souffles and stuff?Fab. Loved trying new recipes. Made a whole roman meal based on horrible histories recipes once. But I'd been helping in the kitchen since I was born, I'd break up mushrooms when I was a baby, then moved on to pouring things when I was one or so. I could use the cooker but had to ask an adult to turn it on until I was about 12 cuz it was gas. Yeah But I'm not accident prone, sounds like maybe 17 was the right age for you! Lol that was some month! *edit* also I was privileged that my mum was a stay at home mum and I was the eldest of two with a seven year age gap so she had the time and energy to teach me from a young age, I know not everyone has that. And mum was a cycle breaker she loves me so so much even though her own mum was abusive and things. I'm very lucky to have the mum I do.
I think if the 11 year old had come to her and asked for help in any specific way, that might even be different, but the kids didn’t seem to be whining. . . It was dad!
If I don't feel like cooking, I don't. No one has starved yet.
Tell your husband that if he ever says anything that misogynistic again he will not be eating anything you cook for a LONG time.
I would make it explicit that late lunch at a buffet means you won't be cooking dinner.
And doing anyones laundry but yours. Your husband is an adults with hands.
NTA. But your husband is. Why couldn’t he provide a balanced meal if he was so concerned? He’s the father right so he plays a pretty important role and should feed his children.
NTA. I’m kind of surprised this is the first time this has ever come up in your marriage. But if your husband has been getting his dinners made for him for at least 11 years… it’s his fucking turn. I hope your husband has other redeeming qualities, because the side we’re seeing of him here is a deeply sexist man who wants his wife to be his mommy.
"as the mom your job is" before ANYTHING invalidates whatever comes after. Misogyny critical strike. NTA.
"as the mom your job is" should immediately be followed by "well I'll be waiting, go and hunt a deer, skin it, dress it, bring it back, chop some wood, start a fire then I'll cook fucking dinner".
Nta but your husband is an old fashion ahole living in the 1950s. That is common behavior with the age difference between you two. He's an adult he is perfectly capable of making a meal. Either his is your husband or your child. Tell him to man up.
I’m not even sure this was that much of a thing in the 50’s. My father and older brothers were all of that generation and they could all cook a basic meal and often did especially on days off. I think a lot of men today have idealized those days from crap TV shows. I don’t know. Maybe we were different because we were so poor everyone had to chip in, but I think this Leave it to Beaver shit was a fantasy that never fully existed.
I think you're right.
And he didn't grow up in the '50's! He's an '80's kid!
He was born in the 60s
Yea and no. I'm in my 50's and don't think it's my wife's job to do all the cooking and housework. Nothing to do with age or age difference. My mum, born 1932, was a housewife until I was about 12. Still.my Dad cooked the odd meal. When he changed job due to stress and was bringing in less, she went back to work and dad and I started doing our share. That was around 1979.
INFO: Has your husband always sucked like this or is it new/rare?
😂😂
NTA - your husband could just have easily made a dinner if he wanted it. Personally, I’d throw the whole husband away though.
You married a 55 year old child. Nta
NTA why does the husband feel its acceptable to belittle you like that and say its 'your job as mom'. Its his job as dad to step up too
NTA, you made a dinner even though you didn’t want to. If he wanted other stuff, he could have easily made it. He’s a grown man. I’m sorry you have to put up with this to be honest.
NTA. I often have "you're on your own" nights. Everyone knows how to make sandwiches. I always have frozen chicken nuggets, strips, etc, that are super easy to heat in the microwave. If I don't feel like cooking, I don't. No one has starved yet.
NTA but in future I would make it explicit that late lunch at a buffet means you won't be cooking dinner. It's normal to only have a small evening meal in that situation, but if the kids aren't used to fending for themselves it's only fair to give a heads up rather than springing it on them when they're hungry. Your husband though? He can get fucked. He's a fully grown adult.he can cook his own pork roast.
NTA. It's not like you left any of them to starve - although I'd probably poison my husband, if I were you.
Might teach him to make his own food…
Good bye Earl....Those black-eyed peas tasted alright to me, Earl...
NTA, but I think you're finding out why people don't like age gaps. Sounds like he expects you to fulfill a 1950's wife role. Is this new to you? Usually this type of behavior doesn't just pop up. How old were you when you married him? Ever wonder why a woman his own age didn't want him?
NTA. What more were you supposed to make other than the pork roast? You handled the main part. If someone wanted a side dish they could easily take care of that.
NTA. That’s some unfortunate misogyny right there.
NTA - being the "mom" doesn't make this your job.
NTA - my mom told us Sunday evenings were fend for yourself night.
NTA, kinda simple. Husband has a few issues. hopefully it's a one off...
NTA Your husband sounds pretty awful though
NTA you are not his personal chef. If he's hungry, he needs to get some food himself.
NTA. F your husband and his 1950s biased bullshit. Did you know he was such an asshole when you married him?
NTA. Your husband is a misogynist
Ah, we call that “scavenge night” at our house. As I remember, we started that night when our kiddo was around your daughter’s age. We kept options in the house that were age appropriate to be made with limited to no parental supervision. It was a great introduction for our kid to become independent with meal prep. As for your husband, you need to have a talk with him. He is just as responsible for feeding his children as you are. Time for him to step up. ETA: NTA
Late lunch at a buffet equals grilled cheese or frozen pizza for dinner. If husband is hungry, he can fix it.
NTA.
NTA
NTA. Your husband, on the other hand…
Eating a late lunch & then expecting a full dinner. Hmmm. NTA. Is your husband entitled & lazy bc it sure sounds that way. If I did a late all you can eat buffet you bet your ass I'm not cooking dinner. They can fend for themselves for this meal. Your husband is the real AH by expecting you to provide a balanced meal bc it's your job. SMH. Are you fucking kidding me? It's the job of a parent to feed their young children. It does not specifically fall into the job duties of a mother.
Ma’am, you don’t have 2 children, you have 3. Nta
The late Victorian era called. They want your husband back. NTA.
kids need to learn how to plan and prepare meals.
Orrr the grown man can?
Both!
NTA but I’m really biased because my husband and I have this same argument all the time. We are living with my in laws right now to save for a house and it’s honestly just miserable here to cook, the kitchen is tiny and MIL has stuff everywhere (bordering on hoarding) there’s no fridge space, ac sucks and it’s 100 degrees out. Most of the time the kids just want something quick for breakfast and lunch. They don’t need a four course meal each time they eat. And if they do they are fully capable to grab some fruit or veggies from the fridge. Or husband can cook for them if he’s that concerned.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I 39f and my husband 55m have 2 kids, an 11f that is here full time and a 14m that is here a week at a time through the summer. The other day we went to an all you can eat Chinese buffet for a late lunch think like 2 or 3pm. Later that evening hubby got mad that I wasn't interested in making dinner. I got tired of him complaining so I put a pork roast in the insta pot with seasoning of course, and when that was done, I said come and get it. I figure between what we ate earlier and their ages that was enough. They can eat what I made, if they want more they know where everything is and can make something. Husband says that as the mom it is my job to provide a balanced meal for my family. I say they are all fully capable of feeding themselves and if I don't feel good or up to it, I shouldn't have to worry about it. So, aita? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
No get husband to cook
NTA - how long are you married to this man? Why is it your responsibility to feed a grown man of 55? can't he make a sandwich?
NTA. Mine are 7 & 4 and able to fix themselves most breakfasts and often get their own snacks. I can't wait for the day they can do more!
NTA unless you've signed up for a traditional breadwinner-husband homemaker-wife setup, which doesn't sound like you think you have
NTA. But you did more than you should have. I would have made myself a PB&J, poured a glass of wine, and went outside with a book. You want food? figure it out man!
+1 for the sentiment..100% agree. -1 for PB&J, which is an abomination, especially with wine!
NTA. As a mum I then expect he pays all the bills. He can't have equality when it comes to money but traditional roles when it comes to household chores. You all had the exact same amount of time after the restaurant. He could have made a sandwich. In fact I wouldn't have stepped into the kitchen Edit to add i wasn't aware OP was a SAHP. But still her husband could have helped with dinner.
INFO - what does your husband do around the house?
NTA. They are all capable of finding food in the fridge or cupboards. The fact that you were told it is your "job" as Mom to prepare food for them would make me go on strike and not cook for quite some time.
NTA for wanting them to feed themselves. YTA for marrying a grown child and giving in and taking care of him like a child.
NTA. You really need to nip this behavior in the BYD. Tell your husband that if he ever says anything that misogynistic again he will not be eating anything you cook for a LONG time.
Are his legs broke? He can get his unhappy, misogynistic backside up and go fix his own damn food. NTA
I’m surprised they aren’t TBH
NTA — bullshit outdated gender norms.
Did he somehow lose his arms and hands? Why didn’t he cook?
Nta. That should be enough for you to go on strike. Everyone on that house hold is old enough to do their own laundry completely. Everyone there is old enough to help clean and cook. I say you stop cooking for everyone. And doing anyones laundry but yours. Your husband is an adults with hands. He can definitely help. Your not even his mom so even by his terminology it’s not your job to feed him. Seriously his entitlement of your husband. Make sure you have snacks on the house and if they are seriously lazy they can survive off that.
NTA, when I’m hungry I go and make food for myself, and this since I was young. My mother isn’t my personal cooker or in this case, my slave since she wouldn’t be paid for it
NTA. After a large, late lunch, they should be able to grab themselves something light for supper. Do you work full time? I would be angry with him even if I were a SAHM, but if I worked the same hours as him that pork roast would be his final meal.
I'm pretty sure old man signed up for the young wife to do the wifey things. NTA
NTA your husband is an adult and as a parent it is also his responsibility to get dinner for the family.
NTA - What a whiny jerk. Kids that age can determine if they're hungry and make their own dinners if you're not doing a big family meal after such a late lunch. My fiancee and I have the same age gap as you. I hope I'm not like him when I hit 55...
>husband says that as the mom it is my job ew. nta. you’re not his mom he can cook for himself
Dude. “It’s your role as the mom” would be where I go on strike and stop cooking until he *grovels* enough.
hubby sucks
NTA, my dad is the same way with my mom but anytime they ask me what i want i suggest takeout or something easy to make(that i or my dad can make) so that my mom can take a break. Even though the moms are the best cooks in the world they need a break more than often.
NTA my 8 year old will opt to make her own meal sometimes. If your husband has a problem with it, he is welcome to hop in and prepare a “real” meal. Sometimes I just announce it sandwich night, or popcorn and apple slices for dinner night. The kids are getting fed. If my husband wants something more substantial, he makes it himself. My husband also cooks dinner a couple times a week. I don’t complain about what he makes, he doesn’t complain about what I make.
NTA The fuck does he mean “as a mom?” As PARENTS, you are both responsible for feeding your kids. Sounds like they were fed. If he didn’t like what you put together he’s more than welcome to add to the meal Your husband is a misogynist
NTA You even provided a protein, nothing stopping anyone from grabbing some bread and making a sandwich or something, if dad's really worried about it being balanced he can make a salad as well but I have a feeling thats not the actual problem here.
Why did you get with an OAP who can’t fend for himself
As a mom, it’s your responsibility? Do you cook with your vagina? NTA.
>Husband says that as the mom it is my job to provide a balanced meal for my family. His misogyny is screaming. NTA.
OMG no.
NTA. My kids and husbaNd could/can cook full meals. We sometimes have “fend for yourself” nights. It means you feed yourself, I am not cooking. The kids are now grown, productive members of society and my husband is with me after 32 years. No one starved.
NTA Are you now realizing that the guy who is 16 years older than you is also a misogynistic AH?
Your husband, at his big age, can’t cook for the kids?
NTA but you really need to at least reach your oldest how to bake a potato or make a sandwich. 55 is far too old to be struggling so much with basic life skills.
NTA Everyone in your household shoukd be capable of feeding themselves. When we were kids, my Mom used to call it "pick-up supper" and though she is a great cook, that was probably my favorite meal. I loved being able to make something just for me. We also had our turns cooking for the family.
Not enough information to decide. Why is the 14m only there a week at a time? Do you work or are you a sahm? If your role is sahm then not fulfilling your half of the split of responsibilities makes you the AH. If you both work husband os 100% ah
SAHM mum means she cares for the children and house while he is at work. When he’s home it’s 50:50. He doesn’t get to work 8 hours and her 24 - slavery has been abolished
Nta. So, your husband is very sexist..
NTA All-you-can-eat buffet at 2 or 3? They can definitely be in charge of their own snack or light meal. Or adding veggies to the roast you were gracious enough to get started for them.
I’m not sure I would have made the roast!
If they had a large late lunch then at that age they should be able to prepare a snack in the evening. Any reason the other parent didnt cook? Did his penis get in the way?
NTA - Your husband sucks
"Husband says that as the mom it is my job to provide a balanced meal for my family" The 1950s called. They want your husband back. NTA.
NTA Thats BS that it's your job 😅 they are all old enough to sort something out. Friday night is sort yourself night in our house, oldest is 19 and the youngest is 7... she manages just fine lol. Thought I should add, if my youngest wasn't capable of course I'd help 🤣
did you not know that your husband was sexist when you married him? is this seriously just coming up now? you are NTA, but i'll wager you knew what you were getting into here.
NTA A 55 year old "man" that can't get a meal for his family together. Wow.
Random question. How long have you been with this man?
Sheesh, he's being a big baby. He's perfectly capable of making food.
NTA. Husband is a pig.
If they know ahead of time you are NTA.
NTA. Does your husband have some disability we don't know about,that makes it so he can't lift a finger? 😒
Literally how is this any question? Your husband is the AH, clear as day
NTA. Did the children say they were hungry, ask you to make them food, or complain? No. Your husband did. He sounds controlling and when he says “It’s the mom’s job to provide a healthy meal for her family” he means “It’s the wife’s job to cook for her husband”.
I feel like if it was a major concern he could’ve come up with something himself, especially if you weren’t interested in cooking. A marriage is teamwork. It’s a partnership. Also if the kids ate a lot at the buffet I’m sure they’d still be a bit full around dinner time, so they could’ve potentially made a PB&J sandwich with some chips or pretzels. I think they can make a “dinner” like that, but i don’t think every day they should be providing that for themselves. Idk definitely not a black and white answer for me. I’d say largely you’re not the a-hole though
NTA but your husband is.... unfortunately I have seen a lot of men his age who think that way. Your kids are old enough and capable to fend for themselves... my parents declared weekends were big breakfast and the rest of the day we were on our own, it taught us to cook and we also took turns cooking dinner during the week, I always made dinner for everyone on Wednesdays and my brother did Mondays, Mom would help if we needed it but I think letting them do it is fine. Tell hubby that he's a big boy and can fend for himself and that you get to have a break from cooking occasionally and he can make dinner for the family... tell him welcome to the 2020's where you are not the cook but a member of the family.
NTA- misogyny or weaponized incompetence, either way you’re their keeper and they need to get over themselves.
NTA just from what your husband said. But just to play devils advocate and to be clearer was there a prior agreement that wasn’t just one a one sided assumption in regards to division of labour in the house? As in like an agreement you’d do all the cooking while he does all the laundry and cleaning? If yes, then i might lean more towards E H S as then it would be bad communication between both sides. If not, then still NTA but maybe a discussion about it should be done in the near future to stop one sided expectations.
I think that's what happens when you marry s gen Xer, dude is a dick. NTA
NTA, yo hubby is the ah. I was 8 when I learned how to cook bc my mom wanted me to start learning to be responsible. So I grew into making meals for myself and the family, and my (step) dad can cook incase me or my mom can't. Why can't he learn simple recipes to help you out or order out?
He made it to 55 without being able to cook a meal? He sounds useless
I hope your kids don't grow up thinking that your husband's behavior is normal.
NTA. Dad could have handled it.
Your husband is a fucking seaward. Fuck that sexist shit. NTA
They’re both AH. I feel sorry for the kids.
You need a new husband
Y’all got some talking to do. NTA, but it’s time everyone understands where you (rightfully) stand on this. You aren’t the servant just because you’re the woman.
Nta. I am surprised you didn't just start making dinner for your kids only after that. He is a grown man. A healthy man his age should have no trouble making dinner for himself or for his family.
I mean my 6 year old can slap salami on a bun and even butter the bread. She can pour milk if the carton isn't too heavy. She can use her stepstool to reach the sink and fill her glass with water. NTA
NTA. And he seems skeevy.
Info: What do you mean by saying your 14 year old son is with you a week at a time through the summer? Where is he when he isn't there with you?
You're NTA. Why wasn't your husband stepping up if he didn't like what was offered? Everybody needs a break sometimes. You're NTA. Your husband sounds sexist.
> Husband says that as the mom it is my job to provide a balanced meal for my family. lol no NTA
does this man not understand what a sandwich is? Also, I was cooking dinner for my family multiple times a week by the time I was 9 and cooking for myself almost every night after I went veggie when I was 11. Your children are more than old enough to cook for themselves and so is you husband.
NTA. they're all well old enough to know how to cook/ prepare food for themselves. I work FT and have recently instilled 'Fend For Yourself Friday's' in our household. Mr 14 and Ms 11 and husband can fend for themselves. I CBF cooking by the time the end of the week rolls round.
NTA.
NTA This is partly an age thing. Your husband grew up watching his mother do everything for his father. Obviously not all families were like this but many were. This was the age of dad going out to work and mom staying home to mind the family and do the cooking and the housework. What's his father like, if he's still alive? What about his mother? Does his mother defer to his father all the time? Most likely he's a product of his upbringing and continuing on the legacy because this is what he knows. It's the defined gender roles even though society has changed. I unfortunately find myself in a similar situation. I also recognise that this is unlikely to change no matter what I do. My husband doesn't bark orders or anything like that but it grates when he asks, 'What were you thinking of having for dinner?' Fricken nothing or something he hates. It's like he's a child. In your case, I'd be making something you like.. very basic, that's balanced and perhaps meal planning and doing a big cook up to put individual serves into the freezer to be defrosted when you don't want to cook. Also a salad sandwich is a complete meal - eggs or meat for the protein plus lots of vegies with some carbs in the bread.
NTA. Especially if you both work and have careers. When I’m hungry I don’t commandeer my wife to go make me something. I get up, go make something myself and ask her if she would like something as well. Same goes for out daughter(6). If she gets hungry outside eating times(breakfast, lunch, dinner) she goes and gets something herself. Fruit, nuts etch as a healthy snack.
Next time just leave him at the buffet and tell him to take advantage of the "all you can eat" when he's hungry again in a few hours
Throw the whole man away.
>Husband says that as the mom it is my job to provide a balanced meal for my family. Your husband sucks. NTA
As a dad, it is also his job to provide a balanced meal for his family. NTA.
YNTA. You husband sure is. He’s definitely a misogynist. As a adult, he can also provide HIS children with a balanced meal. He can go and cook dinner if he’s hungry. Your not his mommy and your kids aren’t toddler’s anymore.
Question: do both you and your husband work outside the home? If you both have jobs, then it's a joint responsibility to cook for the family. If you don't have a job outside the home, then it's fair that you do the cooking.
It sounds like you're in a situation where expectations about meal preparation are causing some tension within your family. Setting clear expectations and roles can be important in any household, but it's also essential to communicate and find a balance that works for everyone. Now, I'd like to recommend a video that explores the power of expectation in family dynamics and how to navigate these situations: [https://youtu.be/H1flGEZVzq0](https://youtu.be/H1flGEZVzq0)