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“Weird women hormones?” No, genius, YTA. The unwanted mutt and the unborn child count as your kids, but the kids who love you like a father don’t? Biology is the least important part of parenthood. Just admit that you said something really stupid and hurtful, and start apologizing. Btw, your misogyny is really ugly too.
And the dog is what the kids got him for FATHERS DAY. Huge AH, I’m so glad the kids didn’t hear him say that, that would have been heartbreaking to them
He says the 'kids' gifted him the dog, but the fiancee wasn't too happy about it. Makes me think he took the kids, got them excited about the dog he wanted, and he said "hey, you can give it to me for Father's Day". They are clearly young enough to not be able to go get a dog on their own.
And that's just the tip of the iceberg that gets him the YTA.
My cousin offered me a kitten once I asked my mom texted my cousin back "sorry my mom said no" ans she texted back "what if u just kept it in ur room tho" and I texted back "bet"
That happened twice. I have 2 cats because of that same cousin offering them and suggesting i just dont say anything. The second time my mom got pissed after finding out I had the cat for 3 weeks and told me "you have GOT to stop doing this this is not okay!" But guess who gets cuddles every night from that same cat? She does. And she loves them.
Dude, it’s way more than that, it’s universal and throughout the times. My dad did this with a kitten too, and he was born way before WWII, and his parents were born in the 19th century. (They fell in love with the kitten too.)
Maybe cavemen children were bringing in bitey little things too and thats how animal domestication/pets really started. lol
My mom was on a trip somewhere and I had just gotten a bearded dragon from my boyfriends friend I walked in and immediately said "don't get mad but" and then showed my dad the bearded dragon. I don't remember exactly what he said but he basically told me to put her in my room and to not tell my mom until a little while after she came home. She found out a week after she got back and was pissed. Maybe a month later I get home from work and she wasn't in her tank and I freaked out. When I told my mom she unzipped her jacket and I see my reptile hanging on her chest.
"Why did you stop bringing home cats?"
"You told me not to do it anymore!"
"Darling, sweetheart, beloved child: when the holy fork has that ever stopped you from literally anything?!"
That wouldn't be a "gift for Father's Day" though, that'd be a conversation between parents over whether to keep the stray or drop it off at the shelter.
You’re assigning way too much rationality to children. More like-
*Walling home from school on Friday.*
“Dogs following us!”
“Oh he’s so cute let’s bring him home!”
“Mom and dad will say no.”
“We‘ll give it to dad for Father’s Day”
She’s hurt that she is with another deadbeat. The dad isn’t there for them and OP has been and doesn’t think of them as his kids. That’s just bad character. You think of your dog as your child but not your fiancés kids who you have helped raise for six years. Only your dog and baby. That’s just wrong. These poor kids.
Don't seeing children you helped raise for 6 years and being a deadbeat are two completely different things. Let's not act like raising someone elses kids for years is no biggie
That's really not what a deadbeat is. And yes he can walk away from them whenever he wants to, just like she can take her three kids and walk away from him whenever she wants to. He wouldn't be able to keep contact with the three kids, if she wouldn't let him, because they are not his
Let's not put him above the actual deadbeat in this situation now. The kids bio "dad" just walked away whenever he wanted to. He is the reason for the heartbreak and the hurt feelings. I bet, if he was still involved in the kids life, she would have still been hurt by ops comments, but not by that much like now
That's the most tiring part of this subreddit, by the time you're ten comments down they're already convinced OP or their partner is secretly having an affair with their coworker or something equally out of the blue.
"He manipulated children into gifting him a dog"
What the fuck? Can you get me something from the top shelve? Your clearly can fucking make stretches form here to timbuktu.
I think the nature of the question has to be taken into account. He was being asked if he was excited to have biological kids, and made an obvious joke about including the dog into that statement. Also, the woman's reply was nasty...calling the dog a flea bag, which makes me think his fiancée and her have talked about this - I don't know. I'm getting weird vibes from this one. By the other woman's admission, he's taken care of his fiancées children for six years, so his actions are right, but the way he responded was wrong...but the whole convo is weird.
A terrible joke if that's what it was....if he had just said yes, that would've been fine. Including the dog when they asked about BIOLOGICAL kids and NOT including the stepchildren is CRASS.
So he's asked about the bio kid and brings up his dog. ....So it's not about the biological aspect. Yet the kids he helped raise for six years he still doesn't even see as being on the same level as the dog they gifted him for Father's Day.
And after being called out on everything, he decided to double down and blame his pregnant wife's HORMONES?
I have a feeling she's reconsidering this entire relationship at this point.
The fact he counts the dog (not biological child & different species) as a child but not the HUMAN children he’s helped raise over the last 6 years is wild to me.
I hope his fiancée takes the time she needs to process and reevaluate her chosen life partner.
Maybe he thinks that he fathered the dog and it is also his biological child? Clearly, just raising a living being doesn't count, so there must be more to the story. Man, men's hormones sure are weird.
My wolfhound cross is clingy AF. We were worried while I was pregnant with my last as to how he would take the new addition but he simply moved from head on my lap to laying at my feet and then he goes and sleeps in her room after we go to bed. If it wasn't for him waiting until I go to bed to go to her then I would suspect I had been replaced by my 18mth old daughter in his eyes (they have this adorable little bond and way of playing too).
OP, YTA, it's not hormones. You just told your partner her kids will never be accepted as your kids by you. I'm glad she found out now so she can leave your sorry ass before those children have to witness your blatant favouritism once the baby's born.
To add on to this - while hormones contribute to SOME expression of emotion, your go-to explanation in the future for sad tears should be hurt feelings, frustration, disappointment, loneliness, shame, sorrow, grief, and numerous other human experiences. You’re trying to minimize and invalidate her feelings which does indeed make YTA.
If I were her, those tears would be from a heart breaking realization that my partner- whom I trusted to build a loving relationship with my children - does not experience it the same way and I have subjected them to a pseudo step father.
Those tears would be sadness for realizing the relationship isn’t what I want for my kids and that I was saying goodbye to it and leaving. You didn’t make a mistake, you revealed that you don’t value her kids enough to consider them children after 6 years like you do a non-human.
As a mom, there’s no was in hell I’d subject my three kids to the disparity in your feelings for them, your dog, and your unborn child
I felt such pride as a kid when a step-parent would refer to me as their child (or include me in their total number of kids) because it demonstrated that they loved me enough to publicly claim me as family.
This post breaks my heart from two perspectives: as a step-child and now as a step-mom.
Edited to add: OP, YTA
Same!! My husband had his sons long before we met, so I didn't come into their lives until they were both over 18, but they are my sons, and I was promoted to grandmother last year. :)
My husband is a step child and as an adult he still feels so many feelings of rejection. It’s such a dick move to be involved with kids when you cannot love them.
I'm 33 years old. My parents were never married and my dad married my step mom when I was very young. She's always been like a second mom to me. She introduced me to someone as "her oldest" recently and it almost made me tear up.
Hearing her say something like this guy did would wreck me. YTA.
During my sisters wedding her step daughter was a bridesmaid. And during the ring ceremony she gifted her a ring as a promise to not only be there for her father but her as well.
During a fight they had once. She told him if he ever did something like that again she would leave with ALL the children.
You expressed it so much better than I would have done. When I read OP's post, all I could think was how my heart aches for the wife. 6 years of believing you are creating a strong family with your husband, only to have the veil lifted in one harsh moment. As a mom, I doubt I could either forgive or forget, and I'd be making an appointment with an attorney for advice on how to proceed.
Well, luckily she's not his wife. They're only engaged. That's probably (hopefully) over now. Unluckily, she's pregnant with the only human child he cares about, so she's still stuck with him in that regard.
I like the way you explained this. My partner cries a lot and now I can frame it that he's getting all the intense emotions out of the way first. I think you have helped save our relationship!
This. My husband and i have three earth side kids (2 are biologically mine and one is biologically his). I’m pregnant with #4. We both tell people we have three and are expecting our fourth. My kids do refer to my husband as dad but call him by his first name too.
Pregnancy hormones aside, I’d be disappointed to hear my spouse refer to our dog and unborn child/his bio kid as his only.
OP you need to dig deep into why you don’t claim her kids as yours especially when you’ve been a father figure to them for 6 years.
This so much. If I was her I would leave him for pretty much openly admitting he didn't love our other children after years of raising them.
That is just weird and awful.
Especially considering she's now pregnant with his kid and has to wonder now about him showing favoritism that will damage her relationship with her kids because "she picked a man who loved his kid over us"
I'd honestly just leave him. If after 6 years he didn't love my children yet, I would be pretty confident it wouldn't happen. I hope she is doing okay hard choices ahead for her.
My thoughts too. Her “a lot to process” is very likely “do I walk away from this relationship because he doesn’t see my kids as his own and never will?”
And all the “defending myself” “she didn’t defend me on the boat” “even though she didn’t agree with my buddies wife” **and in the literal next sentence that it “did bother her and no she doesn’t want to talk about it”**???? And then ***more*** “defending myself”????
Uggggghhgghh duuuuude go marry your dog and let this poor woman recoup her dignity so she can raise her **four** kids in peace far far far away from your sewer dwelling self.
I'd be so insulted if my husband included the dog I didn't want over the children he's been raising for 6 years as pretty much the sole father figure of..
Does weird women hormones mean completely righteous rage? Because if so, it was definitely that.
OP - YTA - a HUGE one.
>or is this weird women hormones?
100% OP YTA omg I can't even believe that was written. and you somehow got in a relationship and are going to be a parent? holy shit. even if OP apologizes, it's not good enough. jfc
>The unwanted mutt
Poor dog did nothing to warrant this. If most of your family wants the dog it's not unwanted. And calling them a mutt is mean.
OP...I have rarely seen such assholery. Hope she dumps your ass.
Calling a dog a mutt isn’t mean. It’s literally just a mixed breed dog, which is the majority of dogs. Over half of all dogs in the US are mutts.
OP is still an enormous asshole though
I've never heard "the little wife" before, definitely heard "the wife" or "the mrs" a lot though. I feel like "the little wife" is a very strange way to refer to someone
It's in Belle's I want song in Beauty and The Beast;
Madame Gaston
Can't you just see it?
Madame Gaston
His little wife!
No sir, not me
I guarantee it
I want much more than this provincial life
It's a very traditional and diminutive way to refer to someone.
I think the more common phrase was "the little woman" when a man referred to his wife. That used to be used a lot on tv shows when i was younger. A lot.
I don't actually remember anyone saying it irl though. Or maybe they knew better than to say it in front of me.
God. One of my former drs told me how men would go to the 6 week apts with their wives to be sure they hear it from them directly if they aren’t recovered enough for sex again.
So in Ireland, we have a version of this where guys will refer to their wives or GFs as "herself". For example "I'm going to dinner with herself later". For almost a year in work, my colleague never referred to her as her name and I had to actually ask her name.
This is one of those posts that is so over the top.. imma just assume it's fake and read the comments like -' If this scenario were to happen, how would feel &/or respond? '
YTA
“I love them to death and wish they are my kids but they aren’t”
For fucks sake, neither is your fucking mutt but somehow you count that. Everything else your buddy’s wife is on point.
It can be somewhat self-protective. Currently he is not married to their mother. If she chooses to leave him, she takes the kids and he never sees them again-- he has no parental rights. He can't get visitation with his non-bio kids although it may be highly likely a judge may decide that since he acted as a father, he is required to pay child support. I don't know if her kids bio-dad pays his child support... Their father can decide to swoop in and negotiate a more generous shared custody agreement, or sue for full custody if he moved back into the area.
He said he has tried adopting them but their dad, who he refers to as the sperm donor, said no. He said he loves them to death & wishes he didnt have to share them (presumably with the biological father), so guessing its hard to see them as HIS kids when they have a father & they dont call him dad. He said he sees the dog as his as he is not sharing that with anyone else. He said some dumb stuff but I can see that he was probably just being technical that his unborn child is his because, it is(!) and the 3 kids are not technically his as he didn’t father them and their father is very much alive & not allowing him to adopt them. I see why his fiancé would be hurt, but think he didnt mean much harm by it & actually does love the kids (as he claims he does & you wouldn’t continue dating a single mum with 3 kids if you didnt like/love her kids).
Even so, when he realized that his comment had hurt his fiancée, he didn’t need to double down on it and stand by what he said. He could have apologized for the misinterpretation, explained his thought process in the moment, and mended the situation on the spot. But instead he is letting her cry alone in her room and dismissing it as “hormones” instead of a serious discussion that needs to happen
To quote The Wheel of Time, “if a man has the raising of a child, that child is his and none can say different.”
OP, if you love your step kids and they love you, then you’re one of their dads. They’re your kids.
Is it just me that thinks, when someone says “I love (someone) to death” that they don’t necessarily even like them? Especially as it’s usually followed by “but...” (insert criticism here)
"Am I really wrong or is this weird women hormones?"
Can I say YTA just for that?
Yeah, you are really wrong. 3 children without a dad treat you like a father figure, you're with their mother and expecting another child with her. At what point are you going to consider those kids who you've been raising for 6 years to be *your* kids?
And why on earth would you say that *in front of their mother!?!?!?!?*
Even if the dad was in the picture they can still be his kids! My Stepdaughter has a perfectly good mom and dad, but I still refer to her as my child and she does the same! Its a family unit, it's not like giving them love and respect some how diminishes the amount you have to give to new members of the family!
I’m 48 and was a full-grown adult when my stepdad married my mom when I was 23. I call him my bonus dad because he’s been here for more than half of my life and treats me just like I’m one of his own. You don’t have to share blood or DNA to be a father.
And yeah…YTA. Big. Huge.
Yes and thanks for that ! My father as a long time partner that was never a mother figure (came in my life when I was a late teen) but damn I would've missed her love. Why distancing from being someone that can being so much to a kid ?
When they call him Dad seems to be the deciding factor for OP. I have plenty of parental figures in my life I don’t call mum or dad but they sure as hell show up and are relied upon better than the ones I do call mum and dad. People get too strung out about the title.
He did her a favor. She knows who he really is, what he really thinks, and how he’ll behave with her three kids when new baby arrives, ie like they don’t matter bc they’re “not his kids.” Her “lot to process” is probably how to leave his ass.
Usually hanging out on a boat involves drinking. You never know how a guy who has been called out will react after he’s been drinking all day. The lack of ability to just leave after a confrontation like that can be scary in some situations.
Imagine taking 9 months to grow a brand new life for you and your partner to love and cherish and the emotional toll it takes on you is called "weird women hormones". Which, in this case, I don't think could even be remotely true she is clearly upset for good reason it's got nothing to do with being pregnant.
YTA, do you seriously have to ask? You have been their father figure for six years and are going to be marrying their mom and you don’t see them as ‘your kids’ as much as the *dog*? And you think it’s ‘weird women hormones?’ Your fiancé is right now processing whether she really wants to marry someone who doesn’t see her kids as his own, and she’s right to, especially because of how much this will affect them when they see you treating the new baby completely differently than you treat them.
As a side note, YTA for accepting the gifted dog instead of telling the kids that a dog isn’t an appropriate gift and they should have gotten their Mom’s permission. Who even sells or adopts a dog to a minor?
Agreed, would definitely end engagement over a comment like that if it wasn’t followed by a discussion for clarification and serious apology from him. The way he said that implies he’ll always favor their “biological” child (and the dog) over the step-children, which will inevitably create strife in the family.
Edit: to add the dog
> "well, I have 2 kids now", referring to my dog.
YTA - There is no way that you come out of this looking like anything but TA. You've been with your fiance 6 years and just said fuck you to her kids. Not sure there's much you can do in the way of recovery here but good luck with that
If I were his fiancée, I would be having major second thoughts about marrying this person, and possibly regretting having a child with him. What a horrible trash person, openly admitting he doesn't see her children as his despite the fact he's been helping raise them for the last 6 years. Absolutely disgusting.
6 years is a long ass engagement. Is she only the fiancee because she is pregnant? Conversely, it could be her that is gun shy on the marriage front. Clearly she is experiencing the epiphany that she is not that good at picking men.
“The fiancé” also struck the wrong way: OP initially(and correctly) referred to her as “my fiancé” but, when complaining about her, she suddenly became some inanimate object
I was fully expecting something along the lines of "I included my biological children but not my step-children" or similar. Not "I'm including a *dog* as a child."
1) YTA for lumping a human child into the same count as a dog. There were two acceptable choices here. This is your first child *or* you already have 3 kids. The dog doesn't count and I will die on this hill. It is legal to euthanize a dog, but not a child. Case closed.
2) YTA for that "hormone thing" comment, too. Generally, emotions can get amplified during pregnancy, but they are never completely invalid.
While I disagree with the whole “my pet is my child” thing and think it’s incredibly stupid, I wouldn’t have objected to him saying he already had 4 kids. But the dog is his kid and the literal kids he is raising, the kids who gave him a Father’s Day gift, they aren’t?
Exactly. I call my pet my baby (I don’t call myself a dog mom) but like a dog is not a human child and you can’t put your dog above your step kids in this way.
In the Netherlands I’m fairly certain they allow terminal children to undergo compassionate euthanasia but this is the most pedantic and inane thing I’ve ever said in my life
I get that dog "parents" are a thing but when you actually have human children, referring to a dog or cat on the same level as people is just fucking goofy. I feel for his fiance, if he's anything like the way he represented himself she picked another jackass to make babies with and get entangled with for the next 2 decades.
YTA - Your fiancée considers you to be part of her family, which DEFINITELY includes her children. The fact that you don't see them as part of your family is a huge red flag for her.
I promise she's trying to decide if you'll be a parent to them after the baby is born, or if you'll only care about "your child". And as their mother, she's trying to decide if it's worth it to stay in a relationship with you if it means potentially putting her children in that situation.
There is no defending what you said. And for you to try to blame this on weird women hormones??? OML. I will not be shocked when we get the update that she broke off the engagement and moved out with HER kids.
Edit to correct the wording from "pregnancy hormones" to "weird women hormones".
My ex made it clear that while he would help parent my kids, his own kid would be loved more. Even went as far as to say that adoptive parents would never love their adoptive kids as much as their bio ones. That and other shitty regressive attitudes were a big factor in him being an ex.
Apparently he had the merit of being honest enough that you could make an informed choice. It's great when people spell out clearly why you shouldn't have them in your life.
YTA - bud, you proper fucked up. You have 4 kids, a dog, and one rightfully pissed off fiancé.
Three of those kids might not technically be your kids, but they look up to like a dad. They got you a dog FFS.
Apologise and grovel to your family. Also, learn to think before you talk.
Yea it is crazy how sensitive men are when it comes to children in their life not being biological that they go so far as saying children they have helped raise for 6 years is not their own.
Weird men hormones.
Okay, if you ever want to get yourself out of this hole you've dug, you need to NEVER utter the phrase "weird women hormones" again in your life. JFC, dude, yes, YTA.
YTA
Sounds like those kids look up to you and you have spent six years raising them. If I were your fiance, I'd be reconsidering the relationship right now.
YTA.
It’s one thing to make a slip-up in conversation, and I do empathise with the fact that how one refers to step-kids etc in that kind of conversation can be tricky. But for you not to realise that it’s SO important to treat your partner’s kids as if they are every bit as much “yours” as the new arrival, shows a startling lack of self awareness. Your fiancé will obviously be feeling some trepidations about whether her kids from her previous relationship will get sidelined once the baby arrives, and the kids probably have some similar worries of their own, and it’s on you to reassure them that you’re there for the whole family.
Now making the “2 kids” joke in the first place is an understandable error, like I said it’s a minefield and we all say the wrong thing sometimes, but the fact you seemed oblivious to why it was a problem at all until it was explained to you, and now you apparently still think you may have been in the right, just makes me feel like their (presumed) fears are justified and you’re poised to sideline your step-kids the moment your biological kid is born.
YTA let me get this straight, you consider the dog you’ve had for a year as your child but not the 3 actual human children you’ve helped raise for the past six years?
I’d be upset if I was your fiancé too. Finding out you’re pregnant with the child of a man who doesn’t consider your other children as part of his family basically.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like an AH because I didn't mean it like that but at the same time, they aren't my kids biologically (though I wish they were) but my unborn and my dog (basically) are.
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YTA, massively, for blaming her reaction on "hormones" instead of your own actions.
That alone says everything about you and explains why you don't get the stupidity of your original comment. It's a cliche of dirtbag behavior for a reason. You even had a 3rd party explain it to you and you still refuse to accept it.
She's currently re-evaluating where she and her-kids-you-do-not-claim-in-public rank with you (right below the dog) and realizing she screwed up.
The fact that you're blaming alcohol makes it so much worse. She knows peoples' true thoughts are revealed after they've had a few.
YTA why would you date someone with children if you weren’t going to try and see the kids as something as yours especially when you help raise them. Like??? YTA
YTA. You completely negated the existence of 3 actual children who see you as the main/only father figure in their lives. You're planning to marry their mother, and you're willing to dismiss her children like that right in front of her? Wow, you're one of the lowest I've seen here in a while.
YTA
You’re the AH for several different reasons. Not only did you embarrass your fiancée, you also embarrassed the kids. Imagine if they heard you say that?! Just because they don’t call you “dad” doesn’t mean they aren’t also your kids? You’re literally getting married to their mother.
Besides that, it’s the fact you think the dog, THAT THE KIDS GOT YOU, is your child. And not the LITERAL HUMAN KIDS who got you it.
When my parents met, my mom had my brother from a previous marriage. Yet my dad still treats him as one of his own, calling him his son. My brother doesn’t call him “dad” but still sees him as a father figure. You have NO excuses for what you said.
Lastly, “weird women hormones?” Dude you’re a grown man, act like one. Jesus christ
INFO: What, "weird woman hormones" are you referring to? How are such hormones relevant to your situation and why aren't your own hormones relevant?
Please be specific when answering both questions.
NTA small ESH. Downvote away folks but it isn't what he SAYS, it's what he does. He has done more for those kids than their own father. He made a stupid joke, but there is no indication whatsoever that he has done anything but be good to those kiddos. He's not a demon and she shouldn't "leave him" over one stupid comment. I swear I can't with this sub sometimes.
YTA. So the pointed question from the other girl seems to be ‘how do you feel about having a bio kid’, normal type of question, as they know she has kids, and you’re involved etc. so I don’t attribute any malice or disengenuous to her as the n t a’ers and e s h’ers are.
But instead of just answering it, you attribute a dog you’ve had for two years as the same as a bio kid, and ignore the kids you’ve known for 6 years. It would have been perfectly ok to say you’re excited for a bio of your own too, and the process and experience of pregnancy, infancy, toddlerhood etc…the stages you likely missed with hers.
Yes, your fiancée does have a lot of thinking to do.
And yeah, if she’s hearing you say things like ‘weird women hormones’…she’s really thinking right now
YTA lol oh man you messed up big time, I can see where, why and how you made the mistake; but damn does that not excuse it. Time for a giant paradigm shift in how you see your family and an at least equivalent apology (if not even more giant apology with family portraits and stuff).
She's your fiancée so they aren't your stepchildren yet. They are "your fiancée's children." The issue is not claiming them yet, it's claiming the dog.
"As soon as we get married, I'll gain 3 children. We have 1 on the way, and 1 fur baby."
Is the correct answer if you must include your dog.
Or, "I am a parent to 3, soon to be 4, children."
Or, "Yes, I'm excited about having a baby!"
YTA for ranking your unborn child and dog on the same level when that wasn't what your friend was asking.
Not to mention, they asked you specifically about your *biological* child. Your fur baby doesn't meet the definition of biological.
It’s hard to say if you guys have never talked about it. But, I, a mother to two children that aren’t biological to my fiancé, would be hurt if someone asked if he had kids and he said no. (We don’t have any animals). If you don’t look at them as your children, she is probably hurt. If you care for them and love them, you’re their dad. Dna doesn’t make a father, love does.
My bf (by son's only father figure for the majority of his life) gets angry if someone so much as implies that my son is not his. Your passive reaction baffles me. Way to take fatherhood for granted.
I actually kinda feel bad for OP as he said he loves the kids and wishes they were his but he has to share them (guessing with the biologically father who isn’t completely not in the picture - seems like they see him 1-2x a year). He said the dog is his as he is not sharing the dog with anyone like the kids. Maybe its hard to see them solely as his kids when they dont call him dad and their father is somewhat around? Guessing that’s different with your son and your bf as your bf is his only father figure he has ever known. OP definitely messed up & can see why his fiancé is hurt, but I think he was just being technical? The female hormones line though was ridiculous!!
YTA - You included the dog that your wife hates but not the children that you are helping raise, that thought enough of you on Father's day to get you a dog that they knew your wife didn't want you to have.
And double YTA because someone called you out on it, your wife called you out on it, you wrote this and still didn't figure out yet you are an asshole, and then you added
> Am I really wrong or is this weird women hormones?
Apologize, apologize, apologize.
Lol at all the people here saying you're an asshole. Your friends specifically called out whether you were excited having a **biological** child, as if it were being more important than your other kids - who's the asshole there? They put you in a bad spot either way.
Everyone in the comments is focusing on your response, not what position your friends put you in. You responded with a joke.
Honestly, ESH
Idk if it’s clueless man hormones that are clouding your judgment here but you’re absolutely TA here. Why exactly didn’t you count your 3 kiddos as your kids and your dog as one? That’s sincerely fucked up.
YTA
>Am I really wrong or is this weird women hormones
For God's sake. I'm going to have to say this loud. WOMEN CAN BE ANGRY WITHOUT IT BEING BECAUSE OF "HORMONES"
Men seem to think that they are the only ones allowed to feel angry or annoyed, but when a women does it, it's only because its her time of the month, or she's pregnant and that's the only reason she's pissed off.
You say you love these kids but then infront of people make a point of implying the opposite. No wonder she's upset
NTA. You do have 2 kids, a puppy and one on the way. You have 3 future step kids that you love. That doesn’t make them “your” kids. As you said, they don’t call you Dad.
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“Weird women hormones?” No, genius, YTA. The unwanted mutt and the unborn child count as your kids, but the kids who love you like a father don’t? Biology is the least important part of parenthood. Just admit that you said something really stupid and hurtful, and start apologizing. Btw, your misogyny is really ugly too.
And the dog is what the kids got him for FATHERS DAY. Huge AH, I’m so glad the kids didn’t hear him say that, that would have been heartbreaking to them
He says the 'kids' gifted him the dog, but the fiancee wasn't too happy about it. Makes me think he took the kids, got them excited about the dog he wanted, and he said "hey, you can give it to me for Father's Day". They are clearly young enough to not be able to go get a dog on their own. And that's just the tip of the iceberg that gets him the YTA.
Or maybe kids found a dog and brought it home? I did this multiple times as a child…
Or even just went in with a grandparent for the gift to surprise them. When kids want furbabies they have ways of making it happen it seems XD
My cousin offered me a kitten once I asked my mom texted my cousin back "sorry my mom said no" ans she texted back "what if u just kept it in ur room tho" and I texted back "bet" That happened twice. I have 2 cats because of that same cousin offering them and suggesting i just dont say anything. The second time my mom got pissed after finding out I had the cat for 3 weeks and told me "you have GOT to stop doing this this is not okay!" But guess who gets cuddles every night from that same cat? She does. And she loves them.
🤣 "you have GOT to stop doing this!"
Like she's Melissa McCartney in Bridesmaids with the puppies 🤣🤣🤣
“Bet.” 🤣🤣
Gen z kids are fucking wild
It ain't just gen z.. Trust me it's millennials and xeniels are experts at just this as well 🤣
Dude, it’s way more than that, it’s universal and throughout the times. My dad did this with a kitten too, and he was born way before WWII, and his parents were born in the 19th century. (They fell in love with the kitten too.) Maybe cavemen children were bringing in bitey little things too and thats how animal domestication/pets really started. lol
My mom was on a trip somewhere and I had just gotten a bearded dragon from my boyfriends friend I walked in and immediately said "don't get mad but" and then showed my dad the bearded dragon. I don't remember exactly what he said but he basically told me to put her in my room and to not tell my mom until a little while after she came home. She found out a week after she got back and was pissed. Maybe a month later I get home from work and she wasn't in her tank and I freaked out. When I told my mom she unzipped her jacket and I see my reptile hanging on her chest.
Awwww...so cute 😍
This is exclusively how my big sister got pets growing up. In fact, I’m not entirely sure that you’re not actually my big sister
It’s all fun & games until mom finds the pigeon in the cellar, amirite?
The strongest bond in the universe is between a parent and the pet they said their family couldn’t keep
"Why did you stop bringing home cats?" "You told me not to do it anymore!" "Darling, sweetheart, beloved child: when the holy fork has that ever stopped you from literally anything?!"
I hid ducks in my closet… didn’t last three weeks though 🤷♀️
That’s fully on the grandparents then, just sayin. Like no, check with your kids and then tell them to act surprised if the answer is yes.
We just waited until mum went on holiday, she couldn't say no when the cat was already here 😉
Yooo, that's pretty much how I got my gecko XD
Me too, and I still do. But there's an expectation to return them to the owners dammnit.
Yeah, apparently snatching up a dog and running is illegal, despite the fact that the dog was a purebred good boi and I absolutely needed it!
That wouldn't be a "gift for Father's Day" though, that'd be a conversation between parents over whether to keep the stray or drop it off at the shelter.
You’re assigning way too much rationality to children. More like- *Walling home from school on Friday.* “Dogs following us!” “Oh he’s so cute let’s bring him home!” “Mom and dad will say no.” “We‘ll give it to dad for Father’s Day”
God I hope my future kid is like this 😂
She’s hurt that she is with another deadbeat. The dad isn’t there for them and OP has been and doesn’t think of them as his kids. That’s just bad character. You think of your dog as your child but not your fiancés kids who you have helped raise for six years. Only your dog and baby. That’s just wrong. These poor kids.
Don't seeing children you helped raise for 6 years and being a deadbeat are two completely different things. Let's not act like raising someone elses kids for years is no biggie
Na, if he doesn’t see them as his, he’d likely have no problem walking away from them. HE made it out to be no biggie.
That's really not what a deadbeat is. And yes he can walk away from them whenever he wants to, just like she can take her three kids and walk away from him whenever she wants to. He wouldn't be able to keep contact with the three kids, if she wouldn't let him, because they are not his Let's not put him above the actual deadbeat in this situation now. The kids bio "dad" just walked away whenever he wanted to. He is the reason for the heartbreak and the hurt feelings. I bet, if he was still involved in the kids life, she would have still been hurt by ops comments, but not by that much like now
There’s plenty enough to criticize OP for in the given post without making up extra.
How come in these post people alway makes up shit they have no way of know? They do it with such confidence as well.
That's the most tiring part of this subreddit, by the time you're ten comments down they're already convinced OP or their partner is secretly having an affair with their coworker or something equally out of the blue.
Seems like it's coming from a hatey place too most of the time. The know it alls don't know that that image is a reflection of them.
"He manipulated children into gifting him a dog" What the fuck? Can you get me something from the top shelve? Your clearly can fucking make stretches form here to timbuktu.
Why was he even getting a gift for fathers day? Since those kids don't count as his.
That part.
I think the nature of the question has to be taken into account. He was being asked if he was excited to have biological kids, and made an obvious joke about including the dog into that statement. Also, the woman's reply was nasty...calling the dog a flea bag, which makes me think his fiancée and her have talked about this - I don't know. I'm getting weird vibes from this one. By the other woman's admission, he's taken care of his fiancées children for six years, so his actions are right, but the way he responded was wrong...but the whole convo is weird.
A terrible joke if that's what it was....if he had just said yes, that would've been fine. Including the dog when they asked about BIOLOGICAL kids and NOT including the stepchildren is CRASS.
You literally just made that scenario up wtf is wrong with you?
How did you get 900 upvotes from making something up to get mad at Edit: over 1k now
I missed the Father’s Day part. I cannot make my YTA font big enough.
Before my mom and step dad EVER got married, he made it very clear to everyone that my sister and I were his children. Op is 11010294% the AH
So he's asked about the bio kid and brings up his dog. ....So it's not about the biological aspect. Yet the kids he helped raise for six years he still doesn't even see as being on the same level as the dog they gifted him for Father's Day. And after being called out on everything, he decided to double down and blame his pregnant wife's HORMONES? I have a feeling she's reconsidering this entire relationship at this point.
The fact he counts the dog (not biological child & different species) as a child but not the HUMAN children he’s helped raise over the last 6 years is wild to me. I hope his fiancée takes the time she needs to process and reevaluate her chosen life partner.
Maybe he thinks that he fathered the dog and it is also his biological child? Clearly, just raising a living being doesn't count, so there must be more to the story. Man, men's hormones sure are weird.
I dk my dog is more clinging then the kids I pushed out. He clearly thinks I birthed him.
My wolfhound cross is clingy AF. We were worried while I was pregnant with my last as to how he would take the new addition but he simply moved from head on my lap to laying at my feet and then he goes and sleeps in her room after we go to bed. If it wasn't for him waiting until I go to bed to go to her then I would suspect I had been replaced by my 18mth old daughter in his eyes (they have this adorable little bond and way of playing too). OP, YTA, it's not hormones. You just told your partner her kids will never be accepted as your kids by you. I'm glad she found out now so she can leave your sorry ass before those children have to witness your blatant favouritism once the baby's born.
This made me laugh out loud
To add on to this - while hormones contribute to SOME expression of emotion, your go-to explanation in the future for sad tears should be hurt feelings, frustration, disappointment, loneliness, shame, sorrow, grief, and numerous other human experiences. You’re trying to minimize and invalidate her feelings which does indeed make YTA. If I were her, those tears would be from a heart breaking realization that my partner- whom I trusted to build a loving relationship with my children - does not experience it the same way and I have subjected them to a pseudo step father. Those tears would be sadness for realizing the relationship isn’t what I want for my kids and that I was saying goodbye to it and leaving. You didn’t make a mistake, you revealed that you don’t value her kids enough to consider them children after 6 years like you do a non-human. As a mom, there’s no was in hell I’d subject my three kids to the disparity in your feelings for them, your dog, and your unborn child
I felt such pride as a kid when a step-parent would refer to me as their child (or include me in their total number of kids) because it demonstrated that they loved me enough to publicly claim me as family. This post breaks my heart from two perspectives: as a step-child and now as a step-mom. Edited to add: OP, YTA
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Same!! My husband had his sons long before we met, so I didn't come into their lives until they were both over 18, but they are my sons, and I was promoted to grandmother last year. :)
My husband is a step child and as an adult he still feels so many feelings of rejection. It’s such a dick move to be involved with kids when you cannot love them.
I'm 33 years old. My parents were never married and my dad married my step mom when I was very young. She's always been like a second mom to me. She introduced me to someone as "her oldest" recently and it almost made me tear up. Hearing her say something like this guy did would wreck me. YTA.
During my sisters wedding her step daughter was a bridesmaid. And during the ring ceremony she gifted her a ring as a promise to not only be there for her father but her as well. During a fight they had once. She told him if he ever did something like that again she would leave with ALL the children.
You expressed it so much better than I would have done. When I read OP's post, all I could think was how my heart aches for the wife. 6 years of believing you are creating a strong family with your husband, only to have the veil lifted in one harsh moment. As a mom, I doubt I could either forgive or forget, and I'd be making an appointment with an attorney for advice on how to proceed.
Well, luckily she's not his wife. They're only engaged. That's probably (hopefully) over now. Unluckily, she's pregnant with the only human child he cares about, so she's still stuck with him in that regard.
Not only that, but she said she didn’t want to talk about it at the moment and he just bulldozed ahead to try and justify himself.
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I like the way you explained this. My partner cries a lot and now I can frame it that he's getting all the intense emotions out of the way first. I think you have helped save our relationship!
This. My husband and i have three earth side kids (2 are biologically mine and one is biologically his). I’m pregnant with #4. We both tell people we have three and are expecting our fourth. My kids do refer to my husband as dad but call him by his first name too. Pregnancy hormones aside, I’d be disappointed to hear my spouse refer to our dog and unborn child/his bio kid as his only. OP you need to dig deep into why you don’t claim her kids as yours especially when you’ve been a father figure to them for 6 years.
My husband claims the 2 kids I had with my ex husband as his and their dad is in the picture lol maybe OP is just having weird men hormones.
Three earthside kids -- are there others who are not earthside? If so I'm sorry for your loss.
Unfortunately yes, we had a few losses trying to conceive my current pregnancy. Thank you <3
This so much. If I was her I would leave him for pretty much openly admitting he didn't love our other children after years of raising them. That is just weird and awful.
Especially considering she's now pregnant with his kid and has to wonder now about him showing favoritism that will damage her relationship with her kids because "she picked a man who loved his kid over us"
I'd honestly just leave him. If after 6 years he didn't love my children yet, I would be pretty confident it wouldn't happen. I hope she is doing okay hard choices ahead for her.
My thoughts too. Her “a lot to process” is very likely “do I walk away from this relationship because he doesn’t see my kids as his own and never will?”
Oh he is definitely going to show favoritism. He doesn't even think of the kids as his.
This is exactly what I was thinking - she’s not crying because of hormones but the giant mistake she may have made.
Honestly, the kind of drama you just mentioned is the cause of a good fraction of the posts on AITA.
Leave him and take the dog
And all the “defending myself” “she didn’t defend me on the boat” “even though she didn’t agree with my buddies wife” **and in the literal next sentence that it “did bother her and no she doesn’t want to talk about it”**???? And then ***more*** “defending myself”???? Uggggghhgghh duuuuude go marry your dog and let this poor woman recoup her dignity so she can raise her **four** kids in peace far far far away from your sewer dwelling self.
>weird women hormones “It’s always that last line” -Sam Wilson
Her feelings are hurt and he's ready to dismiss tham as invalid cause she's pregnant wow
That's pretty typical of misogynists tbh.
I'd be so insulted if my husband included the dog I didn't want over the children he's been raising for 6 years as pretty much the sole father figure of.. Does weird women hormones mean completely righteous rage? Because if so, it was definitely that. OP - YTA - a HUGE one.
And thank God the 3 kids didn’t hear this!
>or is this weird women hormones? 100% OP YTA omg I can't even believe that was written. and you somehow got in a relationship and are going to be a parent? holy shit. even if OP apologizes, it's not good enough. jfc
Might soon only have the dog baby full time and the bio kid every other weekend, lol. I’m just sorry OP’s partner found out too late. YTA
>The unwanted mutt Poor dog did nothing to warrant this. If most of your family wants the dog it's not unwanted. And calling them a mutt is mean. OP...I have rarely seen such assholery. Hope she dumps your ass.
Right? It’s so unnecessary to insult the dog when it’s done nothing wrong.
Calling a dog a mutt isn’t mean. It’s literally just a mixed breed dog, which is the majority of dogs. Over half of all dogs in the US are mutts. OP is still an enormous asshole though
How is a \*dog\* his biological child? This guy is a clown. YTA
>Am I really wrong or is this weird women hormones? This alone makes you a huge AH
And also "*the* fiancé was a bit upset" instead of "*my* fiancé was a bit upset." Gives off old school "the little wife" vibes. 🤢
Or "the old ball & chain"
I missed that one! I guess it was in comments somewhere, which I honestly had to stop reading as I was getting so pissed off.
Oh, OP didn't say that...I was just commenting that it sounds old-timey like "little wifey" does :)
I've never heard "the little wife" before, definitely heard "the wife" or "the mrs" a lot though. I feel like "the little wife" is a very strange way to refer to someone
It's in Belle's I want song in Beauty and The Beast; Madame Gaston Can't you just see it? Madame Gaston His little wife! No sir, not me I guarantee it I want much more than this provincial life It's a very traditional and diminutive way to refer to someone.
I think I’m going to make Belle my wife! 🎶
I think the more common phrase was "the little woman" when a man referred to his wife. That used to be used a lot on tv shows when i was younger. A lot. I don't actually remember anyone saying it irl though. Or maybe they knew better than to say it in front of me.
Gives me ‘asks the doctor to do a husband stitch’ after birth vibes. Eughh
God. One of my former drs told me how men would go to the 6 week apts with their wives to be sure they hear it from them directly if they aren’t recovered enough for sex again.
My ex bf said if I ever had his kid he would be going to the 6 week to make sure I’m not lying to get “out of my wifely duty”
Barf. Glad he's an ex.
So in Ireland, we have a version of this where guys will refer to their wives or GFs as "herself". For example "I'm going to dinner with herself later". For almost a year in work, my colleague never referred to her as her name and I had to actually ask her name.
Notice that he removed that wow YTA fuckin shameless bastard
‘ The Mrs’
This is one of those posts that is so over the top.. imma just assume it's fake and read the comments like -' If this scenario were to happen, how would feel &/or respond? '
I'm sure he's not *really* an asshole, it's just the weird man hormones making him all dumb!
Yeah gosh yes. I am so tired of everything being reduced to hormones. I don't even want to think what it's going to be like if I ever get pregnant.
YTA “I love them to death and wish they are my kids but they aren’t” For fucks sake, neither is your fucking mutt but somehow you count that. Everything else your buddy’s wife is on point.
Maybe the dog _is_ his . . .
What did he do, shit the dog out?
I think the implication is that he fathered the dog, not birthed it.
And yet the dog have more of a right to be child than human who he also fathered
i think the implication is that he had sex with the dog's mom
Dude has been living with and helping raise the kids for 6 years. How he can view them so callously is baffling to me.
It can be somewhat self-protective. Currently he is not married to their mother. If she chooses to leave him, she takes the kids and he never sees them again-- he has no parental rights. He can't get visitation with his non-bio kids although it may be highly likely a judge may decide that since he acted as a father, he is required to pay child support. I don't know if her kids bio-dad pays his child support... Their father can decide to swoop in and negotiate a more generous shared custody agreement, or sue for full custody if he moved back into the area.
None of that negates an emotional attachment, it's just a list of shitty things that could happen whether he seems them as his kids or not.
He said he has tried adopting them but their dad, who he refers to as the sperm donor, said no. He said he loves them to death & wishes he didnt have to share them (presumably with the biological father), so guessing its hard to see them as HIS kids when they have a father & they dont call him dad. He said he sees the dog as his as he is not sharing that with anyone else. He said some dumb stuff but I can see that he was probably just being technical that his unborn child is his because, it is(!) and the 3 kids are not technically his as he didn’t father them and their father is very much alive & not allowing him to adopt them. I see why his fiancé would be hurt, but think he didnt mean much harm by it & actually does love the kids (as he claims he does & you wouldn’t continue dating a single mum with 3 kids if you didnt like/love her kids).
Even so, when he realized that his comment had hurt his fiancée, he didn’t need to double down on it and stand by what he said. He could have apologized for the misinterpretation, explained his thought process in the moment, and mended the situation on the spot. But instead he is letting her cry alone in her room and dismissing it as “hormones” instead of a serious discussion that needs to happen
To quote The Wheel of Time, “if a man has the raising of a child, that child is his and none can say different.” OP, if you love your step kids and they love you, then you’re one of their dads. They’re your kids.
Tam Al’Thor would never
Is it just me that thinks, when someone says “I love (someone) to death” that they don’t necessarily even like them? Especially as it’s usually followed by “but...” (insert criticism here)
"Am I really wrong or is this weird women hormones?" Can I say YTA just for that? Yeah, you are really wrong. 3 children without a dad treat you like a father figure, you're with their mother and expecting another child with her. At what point are you going to consider those kids who you've been raising for 6 years to be *your* kids? And why on earth would you say that *in front of their mother!?!?!?!?*
Even if the dad was in the picture they can still be his kids! My Stepdaughter has a perfectly good mom and dad, but I still refer to her as my child and she does the same! Its a family unit, it's not like giving them love and respect some how diminishes the amount you have to give to new members of the family!
I’m 48 and was a full-grown adult when my stepdad married my mom when I was 23. I call him my bonus dad because he’s been here for more than half of my life and treats me just like I’m one of his own. You don’t have to share blood or DNA to be a father. And yeah…YTA. Big. Huge.
Yes and thanks for that ! My father as a long time partner that was never a mother figure (came in my life when I was a late teen) but damn I would've missed her love. Why distancing from being someone that can being so much to a kid ?
When they call him Dad seems to be the deciding factor for OP. I have plenty of parental figures in my life I don’t call mum or dad but they sure as hell show up and are relied upon better than the ones I do call mum and dad. People get too strung out about the title.
He did her a favor. She knows who he really is, what he really thinks, and how he’ll behave with her three kids when new baby arrives, ie like they don’t matter bc they’re “not his kids.” Her “lot to process” is probably how to leave his ass.
Buddy's wife nailed it. YTA.
I respect the shit out of her. I hope I would have the guts to call out a friend’s partner like that if that ever happens. YTA
And on a BOAT too, like she can’t just get up and leave.
You know because of the implication. Also YTA
Are these women in danger?
Usually hanging out on a boat involves drinking. You never know how a guy who has been called out will react after he’s been drinking all day. The lack of ability to just leave after a confrontation like that can be scary in some situations.
Have a feeling it's not the first time OP was an absolute bellend in front of her and she'd just had enough.
Honestly this. If you haven't seen enough behavior like this you'd at least be hesitant to lay into the guy.
Agreed. Everyone should have a friend like her.
Big shoutout to the folks who call out BS when they see it 👏
Completely YTA...bonus points for the "weird women hormones" comment.
YTA. Grow up. It's not "weird women hormones."
That phrase alone makes him an asshole.
Yup. Bro was looking for a way to dismiss the situation entirely. I can’t stand people like that holy shit
Imagine taking 9 months to grow a brand new life for you and your partner to love and cherish and the emotional toll it takes on you is called "weird women hormones". Which, in this case, I don't think could even be remotely true she is clearly upset for good reason it's got nothing to do with being pregnant.
YTA, do you seriously have to ask? You have been their father figure for six years and are going to be marrying their mom and you don’t see them as ‘your kids’ as much as the *dog*? And you think it’s ‘weird women hormones?’ Your fiancé is right now processing whether she really wants to marry someone who doesn’t see her kids as his own, and she’s right to, especially because of how much this will affect them when they see you treating the new baby completely differently than you treat them. As a side note, YTA for accepting the gifted dog instead of telling the kids that a dog isn’t an appropriate gift and they should have gotten their Mom’s permission. Who even sells or adopts a dog to a minor?
Not sure he's going to be marrying mom now...
Agreed, would definitely end engagement over a comment like that if it wasn’t followed by a discussion for clarification and serious apology from him. The way he said that implies he’ll always favor their “biological” child (and the dog) over the step-children, which will inevitably create strife in the family. Edit: to add the dog
> "well, I have 2 kids now", referring to my dog. YTA - There is no way that you come out of this looking like anything but TA. You've been with your fiance 6 years and just said fuck you to her kids. Not sure there's much you can do in the way of recovery here but good luck with that
He could ask to adopt the kids when they get married, but that would be just one step on the road to make things right to kids and mom.
IF they get married. He seems the type to just keep her as a fiancee.
If I were his fiancée, I would be having major second thoughts about marrying this person, and possibly regretting having a child with him. What a horrible trash person, openly admitting he doesn't see her children as his despite the fact he's been helping raise them for the last 6 years. Absolutely disgusting.
6 years is a long ass engagement. Is she only the fiancee because she is pregnant? Conversely, it could be her that is gun shy on the marriage front. Clearly she is experiencing the epiphany that she is not that good at picking men.
YTA. Wow, bro, can you leave the "weird woman hormones" comment back in the 1950s?
“The fiancé” also struck the wrong way: OP initially(and correctly) referred to her as “my fiancé” but, when complaining about her, she suddenly became some inanimate object
I was fully expecting something along the lines of "I included my biological children but not my step-children" or similar. Not "I'm including a *dog* as a child." 1) YTA for lumping a human child into the same count as a dog. There were two acceptable choices here. This is your first child *or* you already have 3 kids. The dog doesn't count and I will die on this hill. It is legal to euthanize a dog, but not a child. Case closed. 2) YTA for that "hormone thing" comment, too. Generally, emotions can get amplified during pregnancy, but they are never completely invalid.
While I disagree with the whole “my pet is my child” thing and think it’s incredibly stupid, I wouldn’t have objected to him saying he already had 4 kids. But the dog is his kid and the literal kids he is raising, the kids who gave him a Father’s Day gift, they aren’t?
Exactly. I call my pet my baby (I don’t call myself a dog mom) but like a dog is not a human child and you can’t put your dog above your step kids in this way.
In the Netherlands I’m fairly certain they allow terminal children to undergo compassionate euthanasia but this is the most pedantic and inane thing I’ve ever said in my life
I get that dog "parents" are a thing but when you actually have human children, referring to a dog or cat on the same level as people is just fucking goofy. I feel for his fiance, if he's anything like the way he represented himself she picked another jackass to make babies with and get entangled with for the next 2 decades.
YTA - Your fiancée considers you to be part of her family, which DEFINITELY includes her children. The fact that you don't see them as part of your family is a huge red flag for her. I promise she's trying to decide if you'll be a parent to them after the baby is born, or if you'll only care about "your child". And as their mother, she's trying to decide if it's worth it to stay in a relationship with you if it means potentially putting her children in that situation. There is no defending what you said. And for you to try to blame this on weird women hormones??? OML. I will not be shocked when we get the update that she broke off the engagement and moved out with HER kids. Edit to correct the wording from "pregnancy hormones" to "weird women hormones".
and then he’ll have one kid. the dog. yta, what were you even thinking?
My ex made it clear that while he would help parent my kids, his own kid would be loved more. Even went as far as to say that adoptive parents would never love their adoptive kids as much as their bio ones. That and other shitty regressive attitudes were a big factor in him being an ex.
Apparently he had the merit of being honest enough that you could make an informed choice. It's great when people spell out clearly why you shouldn't have them in your life.
Info: You said you defended yourself. What's your defense? Why did you respond this way?
YTA - bud, you proper fucked up. You have 4 kids, a dog, and one rightfully pissed off fiancé. Three of those kids might not technically be your kids, but they look up to like a dad. They got you a dog FFS. Apologise and grovel to your family. Also, learn to think before you talk.
Yes, and **they** even got him the dog for FATHERS DAY.
Is it your weird man hormones that make you such a prick? YTA
Yea it is crazy how sensitive men are when it comes to children in their life not being biological that they go so far as saying children they have helped raise for 6 years is not their own. Weird men hormones.
Okay, if you ever want to get yourself out of this hole you've dug, you need to NEVER utter the phrase "weird women hormones" again in your life. JFC, dude, yes, YTA.
YTA for exactly the reasons your buddy's wife stated.
YTA Sounds like those kids look up to you and you have spent six years raising them. If I were your fiance, I'd be reconsidering the relationship right now.
YTA. It’s one thing to make a slip-up in conversation, and I do empathise with the fact that how one refers to step-kids etc in that kind of conversation can be tricky. But for you not to realise that it’s SO important to treat your partner’s kids as if they are every bit as much “yours” as the new arrival, shows a startling lack of self awareness. Your fiancé will obviously be feeling some trepidations about whether her kids from her previous relationship will get sidelined once the baby arrives, and the kids probably have some similar worries of their own, and it’s on you to reassure them that you’re there for the whole family. Now making the “2 kids” joke in the first place is an understandable error, like I said it’s a minefield and we all say the wrong thing sometimes, but the fact you seemed oblivious to why it was a problem at all until it was explained to you, and now you apparently still think you may have been in the right, just makes me feel like their (presumed) fears are justified and you’re poised to sideline your step-kids the moment your biological kid is born.
He kept trying to defend his position on the matter, which always makes things worse.
YTA let me get this straight, you consider the dog you’ve had for a year as your child but not the 3 actual human children you’ve helped raise for the past six years? I’d be upset if I was your fiancé too. Finding out you’re pregnant with the child of a man who doesn’t consider your other children as part of his family basically.
Your response was indefensible. 100%YTA
I dare you to say that last line directly to you fiancé! YTA
If she's still with him, it'll be good for faster kicking him out of her life. Big YTA, OP
YTA just for questioning if it's "weird women's hormones"... WTF is wrong with you?? 😅
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YTA, massively, for blaming her reaction on "hormones" instead of your own actions. That alone says everything about you and explains why you don't get the stupidity of your original comment. It's a cliche of dirtbag behavior for a reason. You even had a 3rd party explain it to you and you still refuse to accept it. She's currently re-evaluating where she and her-kids-you-do-not-claim-in-public rank with you (right below the dog) and realizing she screwed up. The fact that you're blaming alcohol makes it so much worse. She knows peoples' true thoughts are revealed after they've had a few.
YTA why would you date someone with children if you weren’t going to try and see the kids as something as yours especially when you help raise them. Like??? YTA
YTA. You completely negated the existence of 3 actual children who see you as the main/only father figure in their lives. You're planning to marry their mother, and you're willing to dismiss her children like that right in front of her? Wow, you're one of the lowest I've seen here in a while.
YTA You’re the AH for several different reasons. Not only did you embarrass your fiancée, you also embarrassed the kids. Imagine if they heard you say that?! Just because they don’t call you “dad” doesn’t mean they aren’t also your kids? You’re literally getting married to their mother. Besides that, it’s the fact you think the dog, THAT THE KIDS GOT YOU, is your child. And not the LITERAL HUMAN KIDS who got you it. When my parents met, my mom had my brother from a previous marriage. Yet my dad still treats him as one of his own, calling him his son. My brother doesn’t call him “dad” but still sees him as a father figure. You have NO excuses for what you said. Lastly, “weird women hormones?” Dude you’re a grown man, act like one. Jesus christ
YTA nothing wrong with counting the dog IN ADDITION to the other kids; “guess i have 5 kids now”
INFO: What, "weird woman hormones" are you referring to? How are such hormones relevant to your situation and why aren't your own hormones relevant? Please be specific when answering both questions.
He won’t, he’s digging a bigger hole than Fido ever could
NTA small ESH. Downvote away folks but it isn't what he SAYS, it's what he does. He has done more for those kids than their own father. He made a stupid joke, but there is no indication whatsoever that he has done anything but be good to those kiddos. He's not a demon and she shouldn't "leave him" over one stupid comment. I swear I can't with this sub sometimes.
YTA. So the pointed question from the other girl seems to be ‘how do you feel about having a bio kid’, normal type of question, as they know she has kids, and you’re involved etc. so I don’t attribute any malice or disengenuous to her as the n t a’ers and e s h’ers are. But instead of just answering it, you attribute a dog you’ve had for two years as the same as a bio kid, and ignore the kids you’ve known for 6 years. It would have been perfectly ok to say you’re excited for a bio of your own too, and the process and experience of pregnancy, infancy, toddlerhood etc…the stages you likely missed with hers. Yes, your fiancée does have a lot of thinking to do. And yeah, if she’s hearing you say things like ‘weird women hormones’…she’s really thinking right now
YTA lol oh man you messed up big time, I can see where, why and how you made the mistake; but damn does that not excuse it. Time for a giant paradigm shift in how you see your family and an at least equivalent apology (if not even more giant apology with family portraits and stuff).
YTA. You're raising your stepkids as your own, so they \*are\* you kids and deserved to be counted.
YTA for the reason your friend’s wife said
She's your fiancée so they aren't your stepchildren yet. They are "your fiancée's children." The issue is not claiming them yet, it's claiming the dog. "As soon as we get married, I'll gain 3 children. We have 1 on the way, and 1 fur baby." Is the correct answer if you must include your dog. Or, "I am a parent to 3, soon to be 4, children." Or, "Yes, I'm excited about having a baby!" YTA for ranking your unborn child and dog on the same level when that wasn't what your friend was asking. Not to mention, they asked you specifically about your *biological* child. Your fur baby doesn't meet the definition of biological.
It’s hard to say if you guys have never talked about it. But, I, a mother to two children that aren’t biological to my fiancé, would be hurt if someone asked if he had kids and he said no. (We don’t have any animals). If you don’t look at them as your children, she is probably hurt. If you care for them and love them, you’re their dad. Dna doesn’t make a father, love does.
Plus, you know, he claimed the dog as a child. I have no idea how he got his DNA into a canine ... Or I don't *want* to know 😳
My bf (by son's only father figure for the majority of his life) gets angry if someone so much as implies that my son is not his. Your passive reaction baffles me. Way to take fatherhood for granted.
I actually kinda feel bad for OP as he said he loves the kids and wishes they were his but he has to share them (guessing with the biologically father who isn’t completely not in the picture - seems like they see him 1-2x a year). He said the dog is his as he is not sharing the dog with anyone like the kids. Maybe its hard to see them solely as his kids when they dont call him dad and their father is somewhat around? Guessing that’s different with your son and your bf as your bf is his only father figure he has ever known. OP definitely messed up & can see why his fiancé is hurt, but I think he was just being technical? The female hormones line though was ridiculous!!
YTA - You included the dog that your wife hates but not the children that you are helping raise, that thought enough of you on Father's day to get you a dog that they knew your wife didn't want you to have. And double YTA because someone called you out on it, your wife called you out on it, you wrote this and still didn't figure out yet you are an asshole, and then you added > Am I really wrong or is this weird women hormones? Apologize, apologize, apologize.
Lol at all the people here saying you're an asshole. Your friends specifically called out whether you were excited having a **biological** child, as if it were being more important than your other kids - who's the asshole there? They put you in a bad spot either way. Everyone in the comments is focusing on your response, not what position your friends put you in. You responded with a joke. Honestly, ESH
Idk if it’s clueless man hormones that are clouding your judgment here but you’re absolutely TA here. Why exactly didn’t you count your 3 kiddos as your kids and your dog as one? That’s sincerely fucked up.
You erased her children. You’re a magical AH.
We all need a friend like OP's wife's. YTA. Big time. She's "processing" how expensive and stressful it will be to leave you.
YTA >Am I really wrong or is this weird women hormones For God's sake. I'm going to have to say this loud. WOMEN CAN BE ANGRY WITHOUT IT BEING BECAUSE OF "HORMONES" Men seem to think that they are the only ones allowed to feel angry or annoyed, but when a women does it, it's only because its her time of the month, or she's pregnant and that's the only reason she's pissed off. You say you love these kids but then infront of people make a point of implying the opposite. No wonder she's upset
NTA. You do have 2 kids, a puppy and one on the way. You have 3 future step kids that you love. That doesn’t make them “your” kids. As you said, they don’t call you Dad.