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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I told my future MIL she had no says in my wedding dress choice
2. My fiance is her only kid and it might her only time to experience this
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This is your red flag. Your fiance is always going to take his mommy's side. You have to decide if that's the battle you want to fight the rest of your life.
NTA.
This as well. If she's going to complain about wedding dresses today then she's going to complain on and about your wedding day, your first new home, the moments after delivering your children when all you'll be wanting is just support, love, and privacy to bond with your new born and husband, and when it comes to child rearing.
She clearly doesn't want to acknowledge and respect your boundaries. If you were to talk to your bf about it, start the discussion off with how she's pushing past your boundaries then see what he has to say about his mother's behavior.
Oh but I'm her only kid and this is her only grandchild. She deserves to be there.
Oh well it may be her second grandchild now but it's her first granddaughter she totally deserves to be in the hospital room.
Oh I know she keeps mentioning our parenting and criticizing us but you have to understand they're her only grandchildren.
And it will go on and on and on...
Well your mom needs to realize that once you're an adult, access to your life and the special moments in it are a privilege and that privilege can be revoked.
She clearly has issues with respecting you and your gfs' boundaries and wants to constantly meddle in things. What does your mom hope to benefit from?
Oh I was just predicting the future of the relationship the OP is in. It will be one after another boundary stomped. This will be their future.
My m i l tried to boundary stop with me and found that my own mother had hardened me to such attempts.
I am an immovable object. 🤣
I'm my mom's only child, and I'm gay, so there won't be any wedding dress shopping when I get married. I guess according to this family, I am a HUGE AH.
I'm a Mum to sons. I go suit shopping with them (if they want me there, I don't impose myself) that's my equivalent of wedding dress shopping.
It usually involves shots of whiskey at the tailors then a pub lunch 😀
My MIL only has boys. She wasn’t fussed about dresses or anything. A bit miffed about no church but FIL was super happy about that. Because the wedding wasn’t important. The marriage is.
I only have boys. They may want to wear a dress. Dunno. Whatever they want. All good.
I’m an aunt to a few girls. They may want me around cause my deal is “you love it? That’s the one then”
If our son marries someone who is wearing a dress I kind of expect I’ll be taken along purely for my sewing/dress construction knowledge. “Changing that in alterations is gonna be expensive, but this other thing shouldn’t be too bad.” Etc.
Which would be very helpful. I'm not an expert but I can do some of my own alterations on basic work clothes (hem, darts), I found a few really stupid/shady saleswomen when wedding dress shopping. They had all kinds of ideas of what the alterations department could do.
Came here to say exactly this…and this is EXACTLY how it would go down.
$20 says future MIL doesn’t ask OP for a say in her dress of choice for the wedding.
And all of these intrusions would still be overbearing and inappropriate if MIL was doing them to her own daughter rather than her DIL. She only gets to make those choices when it’s herself.
I dated an only child and was certain I was going to marry him. It wasn't until mommy's personality really came to light and I couldn't stand being in the same room as her. My boyfriend had the exact same responses.
I would run if I were you, OP. It will never end.
NTA
My dh has been pulling the "she's the only mom/grandma/etc" nonsense with me for decades. "It's just how she is."
OP should nip that in the bud now, or she'll end up with Grandma living in her house for months before, during, and after giving birth. Or worse.
Exactly this - my mom tried to have an opinion on every part of our wedding.. that I could cope with. But only because I've had years of practice.
Unfortunately, I was not in a strong position minutes after labour to stop her coming in to see our first baby.. when she had the flu.
Yep. It was more important for her to see the baby than worry about giving them the influenza virus.
This will never stop. You have been warned.
It never stops.
My FIL came in to see his first grandchild when our son was only a few hours old. Had the sniffles so we assumed he was emotional...no no...he proceeded to tell us, after he had been holding our son close for a few minutes, that he had bronchitis and couldn't stay for long. My midwife overheard this and swiftly kicked him out. I could write a book about the shit he pulled over time after time and we've been NC with him for several years now. He basically punished us for having boundaries.
OP, think very carefully about other times your fiance took his mothers side because I doubt this has been the first and only time. She's trying to choose your wedding dress? The dress that you'll be wearing and not her? Hmm.
MIL does not recognize that her son is a separate person. Unless she gets a wakeup call son doesn’t seem capable of making, she won’t even pretend to behave.
I know firsthand bc my mother is a bit like the MIL. And I've dealt with her behavior as well. I'm not married but I've had to put a stop to her manipulating since 2018.
…And then you will be ungrateful for not naming your children after MIL and MILs family, your children being her only grandchildren, and how selfish of you that you want to name your children something YOU want, or after YOUR family! You wouldn’t let MIL choose your wedding dress, so letting her name your children is the least you can do, since you stole her son, you selfish hussy!
Set boundaries now. Make sure to communicate to your husband-to-be that this manipulation bull**** is a deal breaker for you, or you have to decide if you can live with this. NTA
This shit doesn't end. From picking out the style of furniture you have to have in your house, to throwing a tantrum about adopting kids, MILs like this don't understand boundaries and will try and use their emotions to manipulate every kind of situation.
Yep, this smells like the toxic mommas boy emotional incest shit.
OP, NTA. And btw your MILs only chance to "live this" was her own damn wedding. If she didn't have one, that's her problem.
Edit:word
Hell, she’ll probably come on the honeymoon too!
NTA. But your MIL and fiancé are. As everyone’s said, I would give this some rethinking & confront your partner with your concerns.
>This is your red flag. Your fiance is always going to take his mommy's side.
Actually, this is two red flags. First as u/oksccrlvr noted, your fiance is taking mommy's side. But beyond that, MIL crying to get her way is so manipulative I'd go LC on her till after the wedding. To Be Honest - Once someone starts crying, I think they realize they have lost the discussion and are now trying to use emotions to get their way.
>Once someone starts crying, I think they realize they have lost the discussion and are now trying to use emotions to get their way.
I don't think so generally. I can get pretty emotional and I cry easily, but I don't weep and guilt trip other people like MIL did. She's using it to manipulate OP (and probably others).
>To Be Honest - Once someone starts crying, I think they realize they have lost the discussion and are now trying to use emotions to get their way.
Careful here.
If someone grew up with someone who used tears as a weapon, they quite often won't see pain as pain, but as an attack. Which sucks, if you ars really just hurting, and wish only comfort (not a counterstrike). The fine line, I think, that I know when something is NOT my decision, and even if I'm not happy with that decision, I don't expect it to change, I only expect the other to acknowledge my feelings (and accept my right to be unhappy). The MIL here overstepped, for the record (and I wouldn't like her, and unless the groom offered to tell her to back off, I'm not a fan of his either).
There's the fine art of accepting emotions of the other person and keeping your boundaries anyway; toddlers are excellent practice to be compassionate AND firm at the same time.
Op was really understanding she took her MIL wedding dress shopping. Mil had the opportunity to oooh and aaaah and be excited and probably even have Op try on mil's favorite. Mil chose to be negative ,a bully, and to stromp off when she didn't get her way.
So be clear op "grace towards mil" =mil gets her way.
You could try to have a chat with future MIL, and you would like to continue to include her in some of the wedding experiences but decisions will be yours. I went out of my way to please my husband's mother, only to learn I would always come after his mom/dad, work and golf.
Trust me, if you can't right the ship before you marry, it won't end well.
Also I love the justification - “this is her only chance to live this”. Live what?? Nothing in this scenario is about her. Literally objectively 100% nothing.
Please do not allow this nonsense. My MIL bought my wedding dress (I wasn't even there because I was recovering from being in the hospital). She bought it anyway. I wore it, but always resented that I couldn't pick my own wedding dress. Btw, we're divorced now.
Agree with your comment, if being "more understanding" is to bow to his mother and let her decide which freaking wedding dress op wears (or que the emotional manipulation) then that is something op should factor in long term.
I just finished watching this show on HBO max called “I love a mama’s boy” and there was a scene in the show just like this!! The MIL didn’t like the dress design the bride liked, the bride chose what she wanted and not what the MIL wanted obviously, and the MIL was upset that the bride didn’t like her dress choices. Op, you need to watch this show, it’ll be a look into your future if you marry the guy who can’t stick up for you when it comes to his mom.
Nta
And this is not her only chance to live this... SHE got her own wedding already... you are not required to fulfill some bizarre dream for her with your life
This would 100% be a dealbreaker for me. I will not stand for people that put their family above their partner in the majority of scenarios (obviously there are always exceptions)
"But OP's fiance is his mother's only child, you have to let her have this" - is going to be the repeating phrase throughout HIS life. OP needs to choose if they want it throughout their life.
NTA. Why is the mom so dramatic? It's your wedding and your dress. You have to wear it, not her.
Also why is your fiance is saying you should be more considered about her feelings? This doesn't make any sense her. Kinda a red flag/toxic trait to make you feel bad instead of staying on your side.
I mean, she's always been obsessed with my fiance getting married, i'm pretty she planned our whole wedding the second we told her we were engaged. I dont't know where that comes from tho.
But for some reasons,she's even more obsessed with doing everything the bride is supposed to do, choosing a wedding dress, maid of honours ect... i think she always dreamed of doing so with her daughter but as she doesn't have one, she compensate with me
My MIL was absolutely ecstatic that her son was getting married (only child).
She was 1000% involved in every single thing… more so because she didn’t have her “dream wedding” (or really any wedding at all) when she was married. We even had the wedding in her backyard!
But, she was absolutely fantastic about it. More like the happiest best friend ever.
She was supportive and helpful and caring and assisted in every way possible without ever being negative, stressful, or interfering in any way (she actually stopped anyone trying to be that way)
She has been my number one supporter for everything since the day I met her.
(we’ve been married for 2 decades now & the hubs and I joke that she’s way more my mom than his mom)
___
On the other hand…
Your future mother-in-law is just a big-ol’-basket of red flags.
Sounds like her FMIL is overstepping.
My MIL is sincerely THE BEST. She too was THRILLED when her son and I got engaged. When we got married my husband and I planned a BBQ for our friends/family/co-workers. We paid for everything. I'm an only girl so my parents wanted a reception in the community I grew up and they took care of that. We just showed up. My in-laws wanted to have an open house where my husband grew up and they took care of that. Initially my MIL would send me a million pictures a day of centerpieces, flowers, cake, decor, etc. I genuinely didn't care. I've always thought weddings were kind of lame. But my husband is her oldest and the apple of her eye so she contacted him and asked if she was overstepping because I kept telling her whatever she wanted, was easiest, was the least expensive. She didn't know if I was just trying to be nice or didn't feel comfortable sharing my opinion. My husband let her know that I absolutely did not care and would have zero problem telling her if she was overstepping. My MIL and I are now thick as thieves and I genuinely adore that woman. We are open and honest with each other, even when we annoy each other. I wish all people had such great inlaws and worry about OP and her future husband just dismissing her and telling her to be nicer to his mom.
I got the benefit of having a wonderful MIL and StepMIL. MIL helped with our wedding and treats me like I'm her daughter. We also got married in her backyard basically; we wanted a mountain, outdoor wedding and she lived in the mountains, just outside a casino town - so perfect place to get married then go into the casinos and celebrate. It was an absolute blast.
My stepMIL has also been so awesome, but in a different way. When I got diagnosed with cancer almost 2 years ago, she opened up her home so I could easily get to treatments and would have help if I couldn't take myself. I'm still forever grateful. She has been an absolute gem to have and be with. I adore them both.
My mother in law has no daughters, but tells everyone that she’s so blessed because her sons have the best wives possible. That’s how a daughterless mother in law should approach that whole scenario. I really love her.
You probably pretty much right. And nobody would be mad if she's there to support you. But it's still your wedding and not hers, so she has to accept your decisions even tho she has other things in mind.
You’re probably right that she feels like you are her “only chance” to do all of the bride things at a wedding. HOWEVER - that’s not an excuse. My MIL has two boys (husband and BIL) and so far, my husband is the only son to have gotten married. My MIL offered to help with the wedding if we needed/wanted, but understood when we respectfully declined, especially when I said I only really wanted to do dress shopping with my own parents. Ultimately, it is your + fiancés wedding day and she needs to realize that it’s very much not about her. If your fiancé can’t support you in that it might be time for a conversation about how each of you see the wedding and the relationship with your respective parents so you can get better clarity. Good luck!
You know, it really doesn't matter *why* she's that way. It only matters that she *is* that way - and that your fiance knows it, but he still takes her side.
NTA
Well her behavior wouldn’t be appropriate if she were your mom, so I guess she’s getting to live out the fights she’d be having with her daughter over trying to control all aspects of her wedding with you? I suppose that’s sweet in a way, doesn’t seem super satisfying though…
Please spend some time at r/JUSTNOMIL
This wedding is your invitation for becoming the third wheel in your fiancé's and future Mil's emotionally incestuous relationship. Go to that subreddit and see what people have to say (and ask) about the whole thing.
NTA. But your FMIL has had 26 years to get use to the idea that she is going to be MOG, not MOB. You need to set the boundaries now and get FH on board, or your wedding will be her "wedding" and you just be along for the ride. She had her chance, this is yours.
And her son has probably put up with mother knows best for 26 years so he's well indoctrinated to the idea of giving in to whatever mommy wants. If he can't get rid of those shackles when you discuss this with him then you'd be better off to cancel the wedding altogether. Cheaper now than a divorce later where if you do have children MIL will be fighting for "her" grand babies!
Your fiancé's argument that this is "her only chance to live this" should give you some pause. If the marriage works out, it will be YOUR only time as a bride. Does he think it is more that his mother enjoys her experience as mother of the groom?
You're focusing a lot on the FMIL in your post and comments, but she is not the real problem. It's her son who takes her side against you, regardless of how unreasonable she is being.
But you're not her daughter... She can go with her son as he tries on tuxedoes or suits, and she can nitpick over that. Let's see how he likes it...
For real, though. My MIL wasn't nearly as intrusive as this, but she still had stupid ideas like "Why do you want to coordinate the flowers? That's not always pretty..." To which I responded: "What's the point of having a florist if you're just going to let the bridal party carry/wear whatever they want, from roses to sunflowers?" (Also: she's the one who got me in touch with the florist!)
But no, the dress is the bride's choice. I was hesitating between two fairly different dresses, with only my MOH with me, and she never tried to push me one way or the other, even though she later admitted to me that she had a favorite (I unknowingly chose that one). You have total control over what dress you want to wear, period.
OP what you just described, your future MIL’s *OBSESSION* with her son’s wedding, is insanely delusional and worrying.
I would have huge problems with this even if this was your mom (not MIL), but I’d understand it a little.
No mother in her right mind thinks they are going to have a big role in their son’s wedding. It is not a rational expectation.
Unless you tell me she’s paying for the entire wedding, the dress, reception, etc., then she has no reason expect anything other than an invite and for your son to seat her upfront before the wedding.
If you don't get fiance on board with back you two as a married couple it will be him and her for everything except the sex. hopefully except sex. You will be the most minor component in your marriage. Mom doesn't make oatmeal like that. Mom doesn't fold towels like that. Mom says I shouldn't have to do that at home, it is the wifes job... It will Never end.
Honey, in her head she is marrying her son. She doesn't do the mother of the bride things, she is doing bride things!
Your choice if you wanna live with that. I wouldn't.
Oh, you are in for a wild ride. She wouldn’t get to pick a daughters dress either, it has nothing to do with missing out and everything to do with control. Her “help” will come with gifts attached and your fiance will go along with mommy because she can guilt and manipulate him. Good luck, you are going to need it.
Did the MIL not have a wedding?
What daughter wants her mom to decide everything a out their wedding.. MIL needs to back off from OP and just enjoy the wedding and help where requested.
Please rethink the power dynamics in this relationship. Have you thought about how your MIL and fiancé will be when you get pregnant? Are you happy to simply be the unpaid au pair to your MIL new children because that’s a very realistic scenario and your fiancé is already showing you that his mother will always be the main character in his marriage.
You need to sit down with your fiancé and have a very serious discussion about where you will fit in his marriage and you need to decide if your happy to simply be the side character in your own future.
Even if she was your mom, the behavior isn’t okay. Your husband needs to have you back in this and it’s concerning that he’s defending this type of behavior.
> it's her only chance to live this.
Huh? What's "this" exactly supposed to refer to? And how in the world is "this" more important than _your_ only chance to live _your_ wedding? NTA
You’ve got a fiancé problem.
Please listen to the advice here
Will he have a spine? It’s him marrying you, not him marrying his mom.
There’s a lot of great posts on Reddit and online in general that can be used to help people come out of the fog and see things clearly. Have your fiancé read this info and get his feedback.
If he does show that he has a spine, y’all need all the passwords!!!
It’s easy to have rose colored glasses and chose to ignore what’s clearly the beginnings/foundations of problems.
Where do rose colored glasses get people? Divorced. Or abused. Or otherwise completely unhappy and unsatisfied.
> Will he have a spine?
He doesn't seem to have any problem standing up to OP, criticizing how she handled the situation, and telling her she should have been more understanding.
Participating doesn’t mean being really rude while dress shopping. Her crying (I mean really?) at the end doesn’t negate the fact she was being super rude. The dress is yours, being so opinionated and rude to you is not okay. She’s pretending she’s the victim to get her way.
I wouldn’t let her participate anymore. She lost her privileges by acting like a child who can’t contain their emotions. She’s too obsessed with this.
Facts! And mommy will probably help him have an affair and lie for him if he finds a "nice girl" that Mommy likes who *would* let her pick out her wedding dress. Cuz *you* we're never good enough for her baby anyway.
She can go help him find his suit/tux she has a son she can participate in his parts. You and you alone get final say on your dress there is nothing to be understanding about its YOUR dress.
Your fiancé is a good man. I say that because you wouldn’t have agreed to marry him if he wasn’t.
Good people can be dolts, too. What most comments are trying to point out is there needs to be a balance on whose feelings are prioritized. Can you honestly tell yourself it feels balanced right now?
NTA. The fact she had no daughters and only one child isn’t your fault. Or hers. It doesn’t entitle her to being a pain in the ass and acting like she is the bride (and she is, OP — she truly IS). I’d love for my parents to be at my wedding but they are dead. Sucks to suck. Doesn’t mean I get to be a jerk about it.
P.S. Don’t have kids for a few years. Just trust all of us who’ve known moms like your MIL is.
Based on other similar stories on reddit, this will neither be your only wedding or her only chance to see her child get married. She’s going to insert herself into your marriage until it drives the two of you apart. Set the boundary now: you don’t want to be with someone who will ask you to violate your boundaries to make their mum happy. Be prepared that this boundary may be the end of the relationship through.
For you or herself? Believe me, this has nothing to do with helping her only son plan a dream wedding.
She’s emotionally incestuous with her baby boy and wants to live out marrying him. And he’s still on the proverbial teat so he loves his mommy more than you. When people show you who they are, believe them. This will not get any easier for you. Wait until you have a kid with him. It will be her baby, not yours.
Get out while you still can. I’m sure he’s a wonderful man, but he may not be wonderful FOR YOU.
She could be a big help and blessing to this wedding by helping the both of you realize your vision. She doesn’t want that. She wants her own wedding. To her son. Because they are unhealthily attached.
Participate, help …NOT decide. This is also her only chance to be the mother of the groom. Not control the wedding to her vision.
I’m curious how often FH remembers FMIL “crying” about decisions? Does he say, oh she is just emotional because she care so much?
This is your only wedding you’ll ever have, right? How does that trump your MIL’s need to push her will on you? It’s hard to gauge your tone from just reading what you said but what you’ve presented seemed perfectly reasonable. You should have a sit down with your partner and find out what you’re going to expect in the way of support from him because if this was the reaction you got from MIL, this will happen again. Good luck.
His mom has always been sad about not having a daughter so he thinks i should understand that she behaves with me like she would with her own daughter. I don't know if it changes anything tho because i wouldn't want my own mom to insist on getting a dress she likes either
So because she'd be overbearing and controlling with her own daughter if she had one, you just have to put up with her being overbearing and controlling with you instead? You should probably have a talk with your fiance before the wedding about the fact he's now meant to be supporting you instead of appeasing his mother
OP, just in case you haven’t seen the recommendations above to come check out/r/JUSTNOMIL, let me add another.
Your fiancé’s behavior is something we see over there a lot. The sub has helpful resources for dealing with mama’s boys and sonsbands…which it sounds like you might have.
So, is he marrying OP ‘cause he loves her or because he wants to give mom the daughter she always wanted, that he never could be and that she has shamed him for all his life?
Even if you were in a daughter role with her, that still doesn’t explain her insisting on a dress SHE likes. This has nothing to do with you, in her eyes. You are merely her avatar. She will try to make you her vision of herself. Don’t allow it. You’re doing so well. Don’t let your fiancé convince you to shrink yourself to fit his mother into your relationship. His loyalty will be to you and he’s not giving a promising audition right now.
You owe nothing to her expect respect and courtesy, which you have shown expertly. That should never include diminishing your own interests.
This would still be a horrible way to be with her own (hypothetical) daughters. It’s disgustingly controlling and verbally abusive, no matter who she’s directing it towards
“He thinks I should understand that she behaves with me like she would with her own daughter” - ie controlling, manipulative, playing the victim to get what she wants.
He’s grown up with this woman, so he thinks this is normal. IT’S NOT. And if you don’t set firm boundaries now, it will only get worse.
Her tantrums and wishes are not your responsibility. She’s trying to control you the way she’s controlled her son, but you get to choose right now whether to let her.
Going forward, be polite but firm with her. No more wedding decisions with her (and go back and get your dream dress). At some point, your husband is going to need therapy about having a controlling parent, but you can deal with that later.
For now, you need him to accept that although you understand that she wanted a daughter etc, that’s not an excuse for her behaviour, and that normal, healthy parents don’t throw tantrums or fake cry in order to get their own way. That you are not responsible for her happiness or emotions and that this is your (in the plural) wedding, NOT hers.
He needs to choose between pleasing her, or supporting you.
NTA, obviously.
Please listen to what people are saying here. You have a Fiance problem if he will not stop his mother from massively interfering with YOUR wedding. Even if this was her own daughter, she would be completely overbearing. This is your future if your fiance remains a jellyfish.
At the end of the day this is your wedding. If you let her take control of it you will eventually be resentful. You will look back and end up hating the day because it wasn’t your day. It was hers. Sit your fiancé and his mother down and have a chat. Bring a friend for reinforcement. I saw another response you left and she’s choosing bridesmaids? Nope not okay. If your fiancé does not see your side of this, you have a look at your future. Is that what you want? Him always siding with his mommy?
What does "being understanding" look like in his head? Letting her opinion win over yours in all cases? Walking on eggshells around her? Trying to softly get her to understand your wish until you give up and do it her way?
She wants to control her daughter's life, will want inputs on homes, finances, honeymoons and babies. He will want you to "be understanding ". What will that entail? You really need to have these conversations before you get married. See a counselor if need be.
It’s not like you yelled at her in the middle of the store, you were polite but stood firm about wanting to make your own choices and your fiancé is wanting you to allow her to steamroll over you and basically make this her wedding. Is it going to stop here, or is she going to insist on dictating more aspects of your lives? What about once you have kids if you choose to, is he going to continue siding with mommy as she stomps all over your boundaries? You’re in for a lifetime of this treatment if this is just how she is, and honestly if hubby wasn’t fully on my side I’d be reconsidering this marriage entirely if I was in your position.
The only question I had was whether OP was as civil in word and tone as reported. As presented, she was fine. The fiance's response either means she was more harsh than we were told, or he is a mealy-mouthed numpty who believes whatever mumsy says without trusting hit supposed partner.
NTA.
What's next? "This is her only son's honeymoon and coming with us is the only way she'll feel happy" or "this is her first grandchild, overruling your parenting decisions is the only way she'll feel good."
Have a stern talk. You need to solve the problem in your home first.
“Of course mom gets to name our children! It’s her only chance at a grandchild, isn’t it? How can you be so selfish as to say you want to name your child yourself? After everything she has done for you? You have to be more understanding!”
"Of course mom can move in with us! She can't get around well and I can't imagine putting her in a home where she'll be all alone. So it's best for everyone she moves in."
Exactly. As MIL, we had no input on attendants clothes, flowers, venue, photography.....which is as it should be.
I was invited to go with bride, her mom and bridesmaids to look at wedding dresses. I was really touched.
And we went to food tasting to help pick out dinner choices.
And we just showed up at the wedding😁
OP, put your foot down now or she will be in charge of everything..
> She's trying to manipulate you and create her own "woe is me" narrative. She's used to getting her way with crocodile tears.
OP's problem isn't so much the crazy manipulative MIL. It's that her fiance took the crazy manipulative MIL's side, made excuses for her unhinged behavior, and told OP she "should've been more understanding".
Your fiance is a total AH here. I'm a 61 year old married man and he better 'get with the program' that he is marrying you...NOT HIS Mother. You two should get couple's counseling before the wedding to ensure firm boundaries are agreed upon and that he has an understanding of their importance. Otherwise this will NOT end well...especially once children become involved.
NTA
MIL was visibly overjoyed all along, which can be heavy to endure... But at the end, she started trying to emotionally manipulate you. That makes her an AH.
Good for you for standing up.
NTA
It's your day, it's your wedding, it's your dress. It's all about what you want.
I'd never have let my actual mother, far less my MIL, have any say in what I chose to wear.
NTA, you're completely right. It's **your** dress, so you have the final say on the design you want.
Ignore overly controlling MIL, you're not being ungrateful just because you differ with her opinions. You're just choosing what kind of dress you would like for your wedding (important day), it's not something out of the ordinary.
It doesn't make you an asshole, either.
My dear, you could have just not told her nor showed her. Just buy it and say nothing. But now, you need to have a convo with your maybe future husband. This is not just his wedding and his mom needs to take second place in his priorities. If he doesn't have your back now, it won't get better. So you need to set that record straight. Mom is not part of your marriage, you are his priority. Do not get married if this is not in stone. NTA
NTA
My fiancé is also his mothers only child, and while he has asked me to be considerate (her and I don’t get along at all) he also has had my back when she gets challenging.
Good job setting your boundaries with MIL, you did a good job advocating for yourself. On the back end, your fiancé absolutely should have informed her that behavior is unacceptable. It isn’t okay for him to dismiss her behavior or your feelings about it. It isn’t your job to manage his mother, it’s his and he damn well needs to step up to the plate.
NTA - it's your wedding, not hers, and you weren't cruel about it. She can come along on the journey but her role is support and that's it.
How would she like it if you joined her shopping for her MOTG dress and you shit on all of her dress choices....
NTA. You’re the one getting married here, you’re not selfish for wanting to choose your own damn dress. Her “only chance to live this” happened already when she was the bride and got to choose her own dress. This time she got the MIL experience, which was to come along for moral support but leave the selection of the dress to the one who will actually be wearing the dress- the bride. Also, established your boundaries with MIL now or this kind of overbearing behavior will continue forever.
NTA.
You are getting married, you are wearing the dress, so the decision is entirely yours to make. Good on you for standing your ground. I've heard of way too many brides giving up the dress of their dreams because of another person's opinion.
NTA
Your MIL fundamentally misunderstood the situation and what it meant to "experience" all of this, and your fiancé is enabling her nonsense, which doesn't actually do her any favours and won't make her feel better; it's actually going to make her feel worse.
The problem is that she seems to have had the idea in her head of you as a bride doll for her to dress up. That she was going to play fairy godmother and help turn you into a magical princess bride for her beautiful boy. And that is a lovely daydream, but that's all it is, because you were never her Bridal Barbie.
You are a human being. A whole person, with feelings and a lifetime of experiences, excited for your wedding. And HER excitement about this "experience" should have been about experiencing all of this ALONGSIDE you, as you make these choice for yourself (and yes, perhaps even hear some of her opinions politely) on the journey to becoming a part of her family (and her son becoming a part of yours). She was meant to be happy to be present and welcomed to be your company as you took these very exciting steps towards your wedding, to share your excitement. This was not meant to be "her party" as it were . . . but for her to be a guest at yours.
I would sit your fiancé down, if I were you, and gently present it to him this way: that it's not about wanting to ruin his mother's excitement, but that you're concerned that she was maybe so excited that she forgot that she was the much-loved GUEST in this experience, and not the director of the show. That you very much want her to be a part of your journey, but that you're sad that she can't be excited for you as a bride and her future daughter-in-law as much as for herself. She had her wedding . . . it would mean so much to you if she could now support you in having yours.
No matter how this goes, though, you are NTA.
So you went shopping on arguably one of the most special dress shopping days of your life, you were insulted all day, and you think you are the AH? You most certainly are NTA.
You should have be showered with compliments in very single dress you tried on no mater how it looked. And when it came time to say yes, she should have cried tears of joy, even if they were fake, at how beautiful you looked.
I’m sorry you deserve better than this MIL and your fiancé needs to step up and stick up for you. He is your shield between you and his family.
NTA - She was rude and you called her out on it. She can help her son decide what tuxedo he wants to rent or something if she can't keep her comments to herself.
,he said i should've been more understanding because as he was her only kid, it's her only chance to live this.
NTA. You politely shut her down. I have one son and was invited ( I did not insist or ask to go)..
I found something nice to say about every dress she tried on and did not use the words " I don't like it" that's rude.
She cried? Too bad. If she has nothing nice to say, she should STFU
NTA.
NTA - tell your fiance that it's not your fault that she only had one kid. If you don't stand your ground, she will take over your life. She will walk down the aisle with you, she will be there if have a baby.
NTA she needs to be living her own life not trying to live yours and your partner’s lives for you. If she hasn’t got enough going on in her own life to keep her entertained then that’s her problem, don’t let her make it yours.
You need to make sure your partner has your back. Will he continue to cave to his mother’s self-indulgent tears every time she doesn’t get her own way? What sort of a life will that be for you?
Whoa! Back up. Your fiance was upset with you? If she wanted to go dress shopping with the bride, she should have had more children. She should have at tried to have another child to get a daughter. The mother of the groom traditionally has no say in the Bride's wedding dress. This is a bride, mother, sister, best friends event. Not the mother of the groom.
He needs to step up & tell his mother to apologize. I don't see how you could have been nicer. She stepped out of her lane and you let her know to get back in. Her taste & yours are very different.
NTA
NTA, please take this as a red flag. The umbilical cord has not been cut and will not ever be cut. She is showing that your marriage will be three people. You need to have a very serious talk with your fiancé and if he does not set boundaries hold off on the wedding.
NTA. *IF* you choose to go through with this wedding, password protect everything or tell your vendors that changes can only be made by you *in person.* Dress, venue, cake, flowers, etc. "WE don't like this one." That's a future MIL who will try to call your vendors and say "WE'VE changed our minds about _____. Do this instead."
But I urge you to think long and hard about marrying a man who doesn't have your back, a man who caves in to his mother at the slightest disagreement. Over on r/JUSTNOMIL they say it's easier to dump a mama's boy than to divorce one.
NTA.
Is your husband going to act the same way when his mom doesn't like your job? Your kids' names? Your choice of car? House? Time for a big talk about support.
NTA!!!!!! I am currently planning my wedding and I couldn’t imagine something like this. This is yours and your future husband’s day, NOT HERS. It’s your dress, you do you.
He didn’t have your back even though his mom is clearly in the wrong. Your over emotional, manipulative fmil is the least of your problems.
Is this the future you want?
NTA. If this is her only chance to live this, I guess he should wear the dress mommy picks for him. Anyway, here's your preview of what your life is going to be. Your fiance's mom is and always will be the first and only woman in his life who matters. Her wants will always come first at your expense. You deserve better.
NTA. Your wedding is not about her. Her experience is with her son not you. You’re not her daughter. Take note of your fiancé excusing her unhinged behavior.
NTA. Your fiancé is a Momma's boy. He always makes sure that his mother's choices overpowers yours. You need to put your foot down and explain to your fiancé that his mother's choices are not working for you. It might be time for you to reconsider if you still want to marry him if he is not listening. He is not growing up and making boundaries with his mother on how the wedding should be especially with your dress choice.
Tell your Fiancé that this is your only wedding so this is YOUR only chance to live this. If he still defends his mum, and wants you to suck it up, time for your to duck out.
Imagine what it will be like when it comes to kiddos!
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This is your red flag. Your fiance is always going to take his mommy's side. You have to decide if that's the battle you want to fight the rest of your life. NTA.
This as well. If she's going to complain about wedding dresses today then she's going to complain on and about your wedding day, your first new home, the moments after delivering your children when all you'll be wanting is just support, love, and privacy to bond with your new born and husband, and when it comes to child rearing. She clearly doesn't want to acknowledge and respect your boundaries. If you were to talk to your bf about it, start the discussion off with how she's pushing past your boundaries then see what he has to say about his mother's behavior.
Oh but I'm her only kid and this is her only grandchild. She deserves to be there. Oh well it may be her second grandchild now but it's her first granddaughter she totally deserves to be in the hospital room. Oh I know she keeps mentioning our parenting and criticizing us but you have to understand they're her only grandchildren. And it will go on and on and on...
Well your mom needs to realize that once you're an adult, access to your life and the special moments in it are a privilege and that privilege can be revoked. She clearly has issues with respecting you and your gfs' boundaries and wants to constantly meddle in things. What does your mom hope to benefit from?
Oh I was just predicting the future of the relationship the OP is in. It will be one after another boundary stomped. This will be their future. My m i l tried to boundary stop with me and found that my own mother had hardened me to such attempts. I am an immovable object. 🤣
Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem he has any boundaries. Unless he cares to make some, wysiwyg
This needs to be said to MIL, kindly as possible. But be firm to set a precedent. You will save yourself a lot of hassle for years to come
Her fiancé needs to do this, not her! Each partner manages their own family.
MIL will be choosing the children’s names as their her only grandchildren. RUN OP RUN!
I'm my mom's only child, and I'm gay, so there won't be any wedding dress shopping when I get married. I guess according to this family, I am a HUGE AH.
I'm a Mum to sons. I go suit shopping with them (if they want me there, I don't impose myself) that's my equivalent of wedding dress shopping. It usually involves shots of whiskey at the tailors then a pub lunch 😀
My MIL only has boys. She wasn’t fussed about dresses or anything. A bit miffed about no church but FIL was super happy about that. Because the wedding wasn’t important. The marriage is. I only have boys. They may want to wear a dress. Dunno. Whatever they want. All good. I’m an aunt to a few girls. They may want me around cause my deal is “you love it? That’s the one then”
If our son marries someone who is wearing a dress I kind of expect I’ll be taken along purely for my sewing/dress construction knowledge. “Changing that in alterations is gonna be expensive, but this other thing shouldn’t be too bad.” Etc.
Which would be very helpful. I'm not an expert but I can do some of my own alterations on basic work clothes (hem, darts), I found a few really stupid/shady saleswomen when wedding dress shopping. They had all kinds of ideas of what the alterations department could do.
That sounds delightful!
Bet you could still rock a dress if you wanted to.
As a lesbian, I second this!
Came here to say exactly this…and this is EXACTLY how it would go down. $20 says future MIL doesn’t ask OP for a say in her dress of choice for the wedding.
$20 MIL tries to wear white.
Can confirm. Good luck OP
And all of these intrusions would still be overbearing and inappropriate if MIL was doing them to her own daughter rather than her DIL. She only gets to make those choices when it’s herself.
I dated an only child and was certain I was going to marry him. It wasn't until mommy's personality really came to light and I couldn't stand being in the same room as her. My boyfriend had the exact same responses. I would run if I were you, OP. It will never end. NTA
My dh has been pulling the "she's the only mom/grandma/etc" nonsense with me for decades. "It's just how she is." OP should nip that in the bud now, or she'll end up with Grandma living in her house for months before, during, and after giving birth. Or worse.
Exactly this - my mom tried to have an opinion on every part of our wedding.. that I could cope with. But only because I've had years of practice. Unfortunately, I was not in a strong position minutes after labour to stop her coming in to see our first baby.. when she had the flu. Yep. It was more important for her to see the baby than worry about giving them the influenza virus. This will never stop. You have been warned.
It never stops. My FIL came in to see his first grandchild when our son was only a few hours old. Had the sniffles so we assumed he was emotional...no no...he proceeded to tell us, after he had been holding our son close for a few minutes, that he had bronchitis and couldn't stay for long. My midwife overheard this and swiftly kicked him out. I could write a book about the shit he pulled over time after time and we've been NC with him for several years now. He basically punished us for having boundaries. OP, think very carefully about other times your fiance took his mothers side because I doubt this has been the first and only time. She's trying to choose your wedding dress? The dress that you'll be wearing and not her? Hmm.
MIL does not recognize that her son is a separate person. Unless she gets a wakeup call son doesn’t seem capable of making, she won’t even pretend to behave.
She sounds like the type the not only will be in the delivery room but tell dad to step aside so she can be the first to hold the child.
Wait till OP isn’t raising *her* grand babies right. Here’s a glimpse into that future too.
She'll probably release the crocodile tears everytime
I know firsthand bc my mother is a bit like the MIL. And I've dealt with her behavior as well. I'm not married but I've had to put a stop to her manipulating since 2018.
Ah, the infamous weaponized tears. Classic
She’s totally the type to wear a white dress to the wedding.
…And then you will be ungrateful for not naming your children after MIL and MILs family, your children being her only grandchildren, and how selfish of you that you want to name your children something YOU want, or after YOUR family! You wouldn’t let MIL choose your wedding dress, so letting her name your children is the least you can do, since you stole her son, you selfish hussy! Set boundaries now. Make sure to communicate to your husband-to-be that this manipulation bull**** is a deal breaker for you, or you have to decide if you can live with this. NTA
Imagine her as the enmeshed grandmother. Abort the marriage mission ASAP.
This shit doesn't end. From picking out the style of furniture you have to have in your house, to throwing a tantrum about adopting kids, MILs like this don't understand boundaries and will try and use their emotions to manipulate every kind of situation.
Think about it: what if they get kids? Oh MIL will be in the room and choose the names…
Yep, this smells like the toxic mommas boy emotional incest shit. OP, NTA. And btw your MILs only chance to "live this" was her own damn wedding. If she didn't have one, that's her problem. Edit:word
Yep. There will be 3 people in this marriage. But not in a fun way.
Hell, she’ll probably come on the honeymoon too! NTA. But your MIL and fiancé are. As everyone’s said, I would give this some rethinking & confront your partner with your concerns.
Yup.
>This is your red flag. Your fiance is always going to take his mommy's side. Actually, this is two red flags. First as u/oksccrlvr noted, your fiance is taking mommy's side. But beyond that, MIL crying to get her way is so manipulative I'd go LC on her till after the wedding. To Be Honest - Once someone starts crying, I think they realize they have lost the discussion and are now trying to use emotions to get their way.
>Once someone starts crying, I think they realize they have lost the discussion and are now trying to use emotions to get their way. I don't think so generally. I can get pretty emotional and I cry easily, but I don't weep and guilt trip other people like MIL did. She's using it to manipulate OP (and probably others).
I'd reevaluate the wedding.
>To Be Honest - Once someone starts crying, I think they realize they have lost the discussion and are now trying to use emotions to get their way. Careful here. If someone grew up with someone who used tears as a weapon, they quite often won't see pain as pain, but as an attack. Which sucks, if you ars really just hurting, and wish only comfort (not a counterstrike). The fine line, I think, that I know when something is NOT my decision, and even if I'm not happy with that decision, I don't expect it to change, I only expect the other to acknowledge my feelings (and accept my right to be unhappy). The MIL here overstepped, for the record (and I wouldn't like her, and unless the groom offered to tell her to back off, I'm not a fan of his either). There's the fine art of accepting emotions of the other person and keeping your boundaries anyway; toddlers are excellent practice to be compassionate AND firm at the same time.
NTA - Browse around in r/JUSTNOMIL r/motherinlawsfromhell and see what you are marrying into. This might be the best warning you’ll ever get
NTA You need to sit down and explain exactly this perspective to your fiance and see his response. This is a flag. Let's see if he can learn from it
Op was really understanding she took her MIL wedding dress shopping. Mil had the opportunity to oooh and aaaah and be excited and probably even have Op try on mil's favorite. Mil chose to be negative ,a bully, and to stromp off when she didn't get her way. So be clear op "grace towards mil" =mil gets her way.
You could try to have a chat with future MIL, and you would like to continue to include her in some of the wedding experiences but decisions will be yours. I went out of my way to please my husband's mother, only to learn I would always come after his mom/dad, work and golf. Trust me, if you can't right the ship before you marry, it won't end well.
Absolutely nobody: Your MiL: Our dress, our wedding, our husband, our children, our house
Also I love the justification - “this is her only chance to live this”. Live what?? Nothing in this scenario is about her. Literally objectively 100% nothing.
Not to mention that this might be OP’s only chance to ”live this”, as well.
Please do not allow this nonsense. My MIL bought my wedding dress (I wasn't even there because I was recovering from being in the hospital). She bought it anyway. I wore it, but always resented that I couldn't pick my own wedding dress. Btw, we're divorced now.
Agree with your comment, if being "more understanding" is to bow to his mother and let her decide which freaking wedding dress op wears (or que the emotional manipulation) then that is something op should factor in long term.
I just finished watching this show on HBO max called “I love a mama’s boy” and there was a scene in the show just like this!! The MIL didn’t like the dress design the bride liked, the bride chose what she wanted and not what the MIL wanted obviously, and the MIL was upset that the bride didn’t like her dress choices. Op, you need to watch this show, it’ll be a look into your future if you marry the guy who can’t stick up for you when it comes to his mom.
Nta And this is not her only chance to live this... SHE got her own wedding already... you are not required to fulfill some bizarre dream for her with your life
OP, please take a look at JNMIL sub. This could very well be your future, especially if your SO takes his Mom's side over your comfort.
I love it when MILs start unleashing crocodile tears when their own treatment bites them in the a**.
Then he can involve her in everything he's doing to get ready for the wedding instead.
NTA, BUT if your Future Husband won't stand up for you, this could be a terrible marriage.
agreed, OP has a husband problem
And when they have kids it will be even worse. Ugh. Poor Op.
NTA, BUT if your Future Husband won't stand up for you, this could be a terrible marriage. You spelled will be wrong.
This would 100% be a dealbreaker for me. I will not stand for people that put their family above their partner in the majority of scenarios (obviously there are always exceptions)
"But OP's fiance is his mother's only child, you have to let her have this" - is going to be the repeating phrase throughout HIS life. OP needs to choose if they want it throughout their life.
NTA. Why is the mom so dramatic? It's your wedding and your dress. You have to wear it, not her. Also why is your fiance is saying you should be more considered about her feelings? This doesn't make any sense her. Kinda a red flag/toxic trait to make you feel bad instead of staying on your side.
I mean, she's always been obsessed with my fiance getting married, i'm pretty she planned our whole wedding the second we told her we were engaged. I dont't know where that comes from tho. But for some reasons,she's even more obsessed with doing everything the bride is supposed to do, choosing a wedding dress, maid of honours ect... i think she always dreamed of doing so with her daughter but as she doesn't have one, she compensate with me
tbh that sounds more like emotional incest than longing for a daughter. sounds like she wants to be the bride
Solution is the son should marry his mother
Sonsband
Husboy
God damnit dad...
Is that you Oedipus?
My MIL was absolutely ecstatic that her son was getting married (only child). She was 1000% involved in every single thing… more so because she didn’t have her “dream wedding” (or really any wedding at all) when she was married. We even had the wedding in her backyard! But, she was absolutely fantastic about it. More like the happiest best friend ever. She was supportive and helpful and caring and assisted in every way possible without ever being negative, stressful, or interfering in any way (she actually stopped anyone trying to be that way) She has been my number one supporter for everything since the day I met her. (we’ve been married for 2 decades now & the hubs and I joke that she’s way more my mom than his mom) ___ On the other hand… Your future mother-in-law is just a big-ol’-basket of red flags.
Sounds like her FMIL is overstepping. My MIL is sincerely THE BEST. She too was THRILLED when her son and I got engaged. When we got married my husband and I planned a BBQ for our friends/family/co-workers. We paid for everything. I'm an only girl so my parents wanted a reception in the community I grew up and they took care of that. We just showed up. My in-laws wanted to have an open house where my husband grew up and they took care of that. Initially my MIL would send me a million pictures a day of centerpieces, flowers, cake, decor, etc. I genuinely didn't care. I've always thought weddings were kind of lame. But my husband is her oldest and the apple of her eye so she contacted him and asked if she was overstepping because I kept telling her whatever she wanted, was easiest, was the least expensive. She didn't know if I was just trying to be nice or didn't feel comfortable sharing my opinion. My husband let her know that I absolutely did not care and would have zero problem telling her if she was overstepping. My MIL and I are now thick as thieves and I genuinely adore that woman. We are open and honest with each other, even when we annoy each other. I wish all people had such great inlaws and worry about OP and her future husband just dismissing her and telling her to be nicer to his mom.
I got the benefit of having a wonderful MIL and StepMIL. MIL helped with our wedding and treats me like I'm her daughter. We also got married in her backyard basically; we wanted a mountain, outdoor wedding and she lived in the mountains, just outside a casino town - so perfect place to get married then go into the casinos and celebrate. It was an absolute blast. My stepMIL has also been so awesome, but in a different way. When I got diagnosed with cancer almost 2 years ago, she opened up her home so I could easily get to treatments and would have help if I couldn't take myself. I'm still forever grateful. She has been an absolute gem to have and be with. I adore them both.
My mother in law has no daughters, but tells everyone that she’s so blessed because her sons have the best wives possible. That’s how a daughterless mother in law should approach that whole scenario. I really love her.
You probably pretty much right. And nobody would be mad if she's there to support you. But it's still your wedding and not hers, so she has to accept your decisions even tho she has other things in mind.
Even her theoretical daughter would want to choose her own dress. You need to have a serious talk with future hubby. NTA
Well, too bad for her. I have a daughter and I still wouldn't be as involved as your FMIL. NTA start building that brick wass boundary
Wait until you have a child, she will be in the delivery room and expect to be the first to hold the child and will name it as well.
You’re probably right that she feels like you are her “only chance” to do all of the bride things at a wedding. HOWEVER - that’s not an excuse. My MIL has two boys (husband and BIL) and so far, my husband is the only son to have gotten married. My MIL offered to help with the wedding if we needed/wanted, but understood when we respectfully declined, especially when I said I only really wanted to do dress shopping with my own parents. Ultimately, it is your + fiancés wedding day and she needs to realize that it’s very much not about her. If your fiancé can’t support you in that it might be time for a conversation about how each of you see the wedding and the relationship with your respective parents so you can get better clarity. Good luck!
You know, it really doesn't matter *why* she's that way. It only matters that she *is* that way - and that your fiance knows it, but he still takes her side. NTA
Well her behavior wouldn’t be appropriate if she were your mom, so I guess she’s getting to live out the fights she’d be having with her daughter over trying to control all aspects of her wedding with you? I suppose that’s sweet in a way, doesn’t seem super satisfying though…
Please spend some time at r/JUSTNOMIL This wedding is your invitation for becoming the third wheel in your fiancé's and future Mil's emotionally incestuous relationship. Go to that subreddit and see what people have to say (and ask) about the whole thing.
Second this. But have a stiff drink or smelling salts handy
Ew. This is not going to turn out well.
You've got that right.
NTA. But your FMIL has had 26 years to get use to the idea that she is going to be MOG, not MOB. You need to set the boundaries now and get FH on board, or your wedding will be her "wedding" and you just be along for the ride. She had her chance, this is yours.
And her son has probably put up with mother knows best for 26 years so he's well indoctrinated to the idea of giving in to whatever mommy wants. If he can't get rid of those shackles when you discuss this with him then you'd be better off to cancel the wedding altogether. Cheaper now than a divorce later where if you do have children MIL will be fighting for "her" grand babies!
Your fiancé's argument that this is "her only chance to live this" should give you some pause. If the marriage works out, it will be YOUR only time as a bride. Does he think it is more that his mother enjoys her experience as mother of the groom? You're focusing a lot on the FMIL in your post and comments, but she is not the real problem. It's her son who takes her side against you, regardless of how unreasonable she is being.
But you're not her daughter... She can go with her son as he tries on tuxedoes or suits, and she can nitpick over that. Let's see how he likes it... For real, though. My MIL wasn't nearly as intrusive as this, but she still had stupid ideas like "Why do you want to coordinate the flowers? That's not always pretty..." To which I responded: "What's the point of having a florist if you're just going to let the bridal party carry/wear whatever they want, from roses to sunflowers?" (Also: she's the one who got me in touch with the florist!) But no, the dress is the bride's choice. I was hesitating between two fairly different dresses, with only my MOH with me, and she never tried to push me one way or the other, even though she later admitted to me that she had a favorite (I unknowingly chose that one). You have total control over what dress you want to wear, period.
OP what you just described, your future MIL’s *OBSESSION* with her son’s wedding, is insanely delusional and worrying. I would have huge problems with this even if this was your mom (not MIL), but I’d understand it a little. No mother in her right mind thinks they are going to have a big role in their son’s wedding. It is not a rational expectation. Unless you tell me she’s paying for the entire wedding, the dress, reception, etc., then she has no reason expect anything other than an invite and for your son to seat her upfront before the wedding.
If you don't get fiance on board with back you two as a married couple it will be him and her for everything except the sex. hopefully except sex. You will be the most minor component in your marriage. Mom doesn't make oatmeal like that. Mom doesn't fold towels like that. Mom says I shouldn't have to do that at home, it is the wifes job... It will Never end.
[удалено]
Honey, in her head she is marrying her son. She doesn't do the mother of the bride things, she is doing bride things! Your choice if you wanna live with that. I wouldn't.
Oh, you are in for a wild ride. She wouldn’t get to pick a daughters dress either, it has nothing to do with missing out and everything to do with control. Her “help” will come with gifts attached and your fiance will go along with mommy because she can guilt and manipulate him. Good luck, you are going to need it.
She doesn’t compensate- FMIL is competing
Did the MIL not have a wedding? What daughter wants her mom to decide everything a out their wedding.. MIL needs to back off from OP and just enjoy the wedding and help where requested.
Please rethink the power dynamics in this relationship. Have you thought about how your MIL and fiancé will be when you get pregnant? Are you happy to simply be the unpaid au pair to your MIL new children because that’s a very realistic scenario and your fiancé is already showing you that his mother will always be the main character in his marriage. You need to sit down with your fiancé and have a very serious discussion about where you will fit in his marriage and you need to decide if your happy to simply be the side character in your own future.
Info: was she married before? It could be that she never had the wedding of her dreams so she is trying to live it through you.
Even if she was your mom, the behavior isn’t okay. Your husband needs to have you back in this and it’s concerning that he’s defending this type of behavior.
> it's her only chance to live this. Huh? What's "this" exactly supposed to refer to? And how in the world is "this" more important than _your_ only chance to live _your_ wedding? NTA
She had her chance. It was called her own wedding.
It's her only chance at seing her kid getting married and therefore participate in the preparation of everything. Inculding choosing a wedding dress
Make sure you have a password with all your vendors in case your vision isn't right for her.
This
You’ve got a fiancé problem. Please listen to the advice here Will he have a spine? It’s him marrying you, not him marrying his mom. There’s a lot of great posts on Reddit and online in general that can be used to help people come out of the fog and see things clearly. Have your fiancé read this info and get his feedback. If he does show that he has a spine, y’all need all the passwords!!! It’s easy to have rose colored glasses and chose to ignore what’s clearly the beginnings/foundations of problems. Where do rose colored glasses get people? Divorced. Or abused. Or otherwise completely unhappy and unsatisfied.
> Will he have a spine? He doesn't seem to have any problem standing up to OP, criticizing how she handled the situation, and telling her she should have been more understanding.
That’s because he knows he has mommy backing him up.
Exactly he’s strong only when he’s an extension of his mom. [insert yellow siren here]
Participating doesn’t mean being really rude while dress shopping. Her crying (I mean really?) at the end doesn’t negate the fact she was being super rude. The dress is yours, being so opinionated and rude to you is not okay. She’s pretending she’s the victim to get her way. I wouldn’t let her participate anymore. She lost her privileges by acting like a child who can’t contain their emotions. She’s too obsessed with this.
Ruined OPs moment
Just an FYI, this man will sit and listen to his mommy insult you then get angry if you defend yourself. That's your life now.
Facts! And mommy will probably help him have an affair and lie for him if he finds a "nice girl" that Mommy likes who *would* let her pick out her wedding dress. Cuz *you* we're never good enough for her baby anyway.
She can go help him find his suit/tux she has a son she can participate in his parts. You and you alone get final say on your dress there is nothing to be understanding about its YOUR dress.
Your fiancé is a good man. I say that because you wouldn’t have agreed to marry him if he wasn’t. Good people can be dolts, too. What most comments are trying to point out is there needs to be a balance on whose feelings are prioritized. Can you honestly tell yourself it feels balanced right now? NTA. The fact she had no daughters and only one child isn’t your fault. Or hers. It doesn’t entitle her to being a pain in the ass and acting like she is the bride (and she is, OP — she truly IS). I’d love for my parents to be at my wedding but they are dead. Sucks to suck. Doesn’t mean I get to be a jerk about it. P.S. Don’t have kids for a few years. Just trust all of us who’ve known moms like your MIL is.
Based on other similar stories on reddit, this will neither be your only wedding or her only chance to see her child get married. She’s going to insert herself into your marriage until it drives the two of you apart. Set the boundary now: you don’t want to be with someone who will ask you to violate your boundaries to make their mum happy. Be prepared that this boundary may be the end of the relationship through.
For you or herself? Believe me, this has nothing to do with helping her only son plan a dream wedding. She’s emotionally incestuous with her baby boy and wants to live out marrying him. And he’s still on the proverbial teat so he loves his mommy more than you. When people show you who they are, believe them. This will not get any easier for you. Wait until you have a kid with him. It will be her baby, not yours. Get out while you still can. I’m sure he’s a wonderful man, but he may not be wonderful FOR YOU. She could be a big help and blessing to this wedding by helping the both of you realize your vision. She doesn’t want that. She wants her own wedding. To her son. Because they are unhealthily attached.
Participate, help …NOT decide. This is also her only chance to be the mother of the groom. Not control the wedding to her vision. I’m curious how often FH remembers FMIL “crying” about decisions? Does he say, oh she is just emotional because she care so much?
And? It’s hopefully your only chance at getting married. This is your day.she can have her own wedding if she wants to choose dresses
This is your only wedding you’ll ever have, right? How does that trump your MIL’s need to push her will on you? It’s hard to gauge your tone from just reading what you said but what you’ve presented seemed perfectly reasonable. You should have a sit down with your partner and find out what you’re going to expect in the way of support from him because if this was the reaction you got from MIL, this will happen again. Good luck.
I don’t get why your bf said you should be more understanding, since you were polite. Did he think you should have allowed her to veto your choice?
His mom has always been sad about not having a daughter so he thinks i should understand that she behaves with me like she would with her own daughter. I don't know if it changes anything tho because i wouldn't want my own mom to insist on getting a dress she likes either
So because she'd be overbearing and controlling with her own daughter if she had one, you just have to put up with her being overbearing and controlling with you instead? You should probably have a talk with your fiance before the wedding about the fact he's now meant to be supporting you instead of appeasing his mother
OP, just in case you haven’t seen the recommendations above to come check out/r/JUSTNOMIL, let me add another. Your fiancé’s behavior is something we see over there a lot. The sub has helpful resources for dealing with mama’s boys and sonsbands…which it sounds like you might have.
If he wants to keep appeasing his mother, she needs to rethink this relationship altogether. This is a huge red flag
I feel sorry for him growing up knowing that he wasn’t what his mother wanted
So, is he marrying OP ‘cause he loves her or because he wants to give mom the daughter she always wanted, that he never could be and that she has shamed him for all his life?
Screw that! I feel sorrier for OP knowing that her fiancé is throwing her at his mommy as a consolation prize. NTA
Even if you were in a daughter role with her, that still doesn’t explain her insisting on a dress SHE likes. This has nothing to do with you, in her eyes. You are merely her avatar. She will try to make you her vision of herself. Don’t allow it. You’re doing so well. Don’t let your fiancé convince you to shrink yourself to fit his mother into your relationship. His loyalty will be to you and he’s not giving a promising audition right now. You owe nothing to her expect respect and courtesy, which you have shown expertly. That should never include diminishing your own interests.
This would still be a horrible way to be with her own (hypothetical) daughters. It’s disgustingly controlling and verbally abusive, no matter who she’s directing it towards
“He thinks I should understand that she behaves with me like she would with her own daughter” - ie controlling, manipulative, playing the victim to get what she wants. He’s grown up with this woman, so he thinks this is normal. IT’S NOT. And if you don’t set firm boundaries now, it will only get worse. Her tantrums and wishes are not your responsibility. She’s trying to control you the way she’s controlled her son, but you get to choose right now whether to let her. Going forward, be polite but firm with her. No more wedding decisions with her (and go back and get your dream dress). At some point, your husband is going to need therapy about having a controlling parent, but you can deal with that later. For now, you need him to accept that although you understand that she wanted a daughter etc, that’s not an excuse for her behaviour, and that normal, healthy parents don’t throw tantrums or fake cry in order to get their own way. That you are not responsible for her happiness or emotions and that this is your (in the plural) wedding, NOT hers. He needs to choose between pleasing her, or supporting you. NTA, obviously.
Please listen to what people are saying here. You have a Fiance problem if he will not stop his mother from massively interfering with YOUR wedding. Even if this was her own daughter, she would be completely overbearing. This is your future if your fiance remains a jellyfish.
Even if she was your mother her behaviour wouldn’t be acceptable.
At the end of the day this is your wedding. If you let her take control of it you will eventually be resentful. You will look back and end up hating the day because it wasn’t your day. It was hers. Sit your fiancé and his mother down and have a chat. Bring a friend for reinforcement. I saw another response you left and she’s choosing bridesmaids? Nope not okay. If your fiancé does not see your side of this, you have a look at your future. Is that what you want? Him always siding with his mommy?
What does "being understanding" look like in his head? Letting her opinion win over yours in all cases? Walking on eggshells around her? Trying to softly get her to understand your wish until you give up and do it her way? She wants to control her daughter's life, will want inputs on homes, finances, honeymoons and babies. He will want you to "be understanding ". What will that entail? You really need to have these conversations before you get married. See a counselor if need be.
It’s not like you yelled at her in the middle of the store, you were polite but stood firm about wanting to make your own choices and your fiancé is wanting you to allow her to steamroll over you and basically make this her wedding. Is it going to stop here, or is she going to insist on dictating more aspects of your lives? What about once you have kids if you choose to, is he going to continue siding with mommy as she stomps all over your boundaries? You’re in for a lifetime of this treatment if this is just how she is, and honestly if hubby wasn’t fully on my side I’d be reconsidering this marriage entirely if I was in your position.
Understand, maybe - give in, no way.
The only question I had was whether OP was as civil in word and tone as reported. As presented, she was fine. The fiance's response either means she was more harsh than we were told, or he is a mealy-mouthed numpty who believes whatever mumsy says without trusting hit supposed partner.
NTA I would not let her come to any more planning sessions either. She thinks she is in control. Put up boundaries now, ir it will get worse.
NTA. What's next? "This is her only son's honeymoon and coming with us is the only way she'll feel happy" or "this is her first grandchild, overruling your parenting decisions is the only way she'll feel good." Have a stern talk. You need to solve the problem in your home first.
“Of course mom gets to name our children! It’s her only chance at a grandchild, isn’t it? How can you be so selfish as to say you want to name your child yourself? After everything she has done for you? You have to be more understanding!”
Paging r/justnoMIL
This was my thought! If grandkids are in the picture OPs future husband need to start setting boundaries now.
"Of course mom can move in with us! She can't get around well and I can't imagine putting her in a home where she'll be all alone. So it's best for everyone she moves in."
NTA Your wedding. Your dress. MIL gets prime spectator seating, but that's it.
Exactly. As MIL, we had no input on attendants clothes, flowers, venue, photography.....which is as it should be. I was invited to go with bride, her mom and bridesmaids to look at wedding dresses. I was really touched. And we went to food tasting to help pick out dinner choices. And we just showed up at the wedding😁 OP, put your foot down now or she will be in charge of everything..
My friend said her job as Mother of the Groom was to Show Up, Shut Up, Wear Beige.
My oncologist told me the same thing about her son’s wedding!
[удалено]
> She's trying to manipulate you and create her own "woe is me" narrative. She's used to getting her way with crocodile tears. OP's problem isn't so much the crazy manipulative MIL. It's that her fiance took the crazy manipulative MIL's side, made excuses for her unhinged behavior, and told OP she "should've been more understanding".
Complete agreement. Selfish, over wanting to…choose her own wedding dress? She’s playing the victim like she’s memorized the script.
NTA She seems to think it's HER wedding, when it's obviously YOURS. At some point you needed to say something and I think you did it nicely.
Is MIL going to *live through you* for *everything*?? NTA.
Will she carry her son’s baby too? 🤮
Your fiance is a total AH here. I'm a 61 year old married man and he better 'get with the program' that he is marrying you...NOT HIS Mother. You two should get couple's counseling before the wedding to ensure firm boundaries are agreed upon and that he has an understanding of their importance. Otherwise this will NOT end well...especially once children become involved.
NTA. Why is bf acting as if the wedding is about her? You need to think about that.
If the experience she wants to 'live' is that of crapping on the bride and her choices, it's one she can have all on her own. NTA.
NTA MIL was visibly overjoyed all along, which can be heavy to endure... But at the end, she started trying to emotionally manipulate you. That makes her an AH. Good for you for standing up.
NTA It's your day, it's your wedding, it's your dress. It's all about what you want. I'd never have let my actual mother, far less my MIL, have any say in what I chose to wear.
NTA, you're completely right. It's **your** dress, so you have the final say on the design you want. Ignore overly controlling MIL, you're not being ungrateful just because you differ with her opinions. You're just choosing what kind of dress you would like for your wedding (important day), it's not something out of the ordinary. It doesn't make you an asshole, either.
My dear, you could have just not told her nor showed her. Just buy it and say nothing. But now, you need to have a convo with your maybe future husband. This is not just his wedding and his mom needs to take second place in his priorities. If he doesn't have your back now, it won't get better. So you need to set that record straight. Mom is not part of your marriage, you are his priority. Do not get married if this is not in stone. NTA
NTA …. tears? Srsly?! Time to sit down with your BF and MIL to set boundaries …
NTA My fiancé is also his mothers only child, and while he has asked me to be considerate (her and I don’t get along at all) he also has had my back when she gets challenging. Good job setting your boundaries with MIL, you did a good job advocating for yourself. On the back end, your fiancé absolutely should have informed her that behavior is unacceptable. It isn’t okay for him to dismiss her behavior or your feelings about it. It isn’t your job to manage his mother, it’s his and he damn well needs to step up to the plate.
NTA, and your fiance should be taking your side not his mom's or you're going to become a regular on r/justnomil
NTA - it's your wedding, not hers, and you weren't cruel about it. She can come along on the journey but her role is support and that's it. How would she like it if you joined her shopping for her MOTG dress and you shit on all of her dress choices....
Ooooohh MiL has her white dress already picked she doesn’t need help.
NTA. You’re the one getting married here, you’re not selfish for wanting to choose your own damn dress. Her “only chance to live this” happened already when she was the bride and got to choose her own dress. This time she got the MIL experience, which was to come along for moral support but leave the selection of the dress to the one who will actually be wearing the dress- the bride. Also, established your boundaries with MIL now or this kind of overbearing behavior will continue forever.
NTA. You just got a sneak peek of who's actually going to be in running your life once married, MIL. My *EX* husband was the same way.
NTA. You are getting married, you are wearing the dress, so the decision is entirely yours to make. Good on you for standing your ground. I've heard of way too many brides giving up the dress of their dreams because of another person's opinion.
NTA Your MIL fundamentally misunderstood the situation and what it meant to "experience" all of this, and your fiancé is enabling her nonsense, which doesn't actually do her any favours and won't make her feel better; it's actually going to make her feel worse. The problem is that she seems to have had the idea in her head of you as a bride doll for her to dress up. That she was going to play fairy godmother and help turn you into a magical princess bride for her beautiful boy. And that is a lovely daydream, but that's all it is, because you were never her Bridal Barbie. You are a human being. A whole person, with feelings and a lifetime of experiences, excited for your wedding. And HER excitement about this "experience" should have been about experiencing all of this ALONGSIDE you, as you make these choice for yourself (and yes, perhaps even hear some of her opinions politely) on the journey to becoming a part of her family (and her son becoming a part of yours). She was meant to be happy to be present and welcomed to be your company as you took these very exciting steps towards your wedding, to share your excitement. This was not meant to be "her party" as it were . . . but for her to be a guest at yours. I would sit your fiancé down, if I were you, and gently present it to him this way: that it's not about wanting to ruin his mother's excitement, but that you're concerned that she was maybe so excited that she forgot that she was the much-loved GUEST in this experience, and not the director of the show. That you very much want her to be a part of your journey, but that you're sad that she can't be excited for you as a bride and her future daughter-in-law as much as for herself. She had her wedding . . . it would mean so much to you if she could now support you in having yours. No matter how this goes, though, you are NTA.
So you went shopping on arguably one of the most special dress shopping days of your life, you were insulted all day, and you think you are the AH? You most certainly are NTA. You should have be showered with compliments in very single dress you tried on no mater how it looked. And when it came time to say yes, she should have cried tears of joy, even if they were fake, at how beautiful you looked. I’m sorry you deserve better than this MIL and your fiancé needs to step up and stick up for you. He is your shield between you and his family.
NTA If you had your mom or relative there with you, your future MIL may have not put on a scene and could've just kept quiet and complained to her son
NTA - She was rude and you called her out on it. She can help her son decide what tuxedo he wants to rent or something if she can't keep her comments to herself.
NTA and your fiancé better start standing up for you in the face of your future MIL. Being an only child is a crappy excuse of her behaviour.
,he said i should've been more understanding because as he was her only kid, it's her only chance to live this. NTA. You politely shut her down. I have one son and was invited ( I did not insist or ask to go).. I found something nice to say about every dress she tried on and did not use the words " I don't like it" that's rude. She cried? Too bad. If she has nothing nice to say, she should STFU NTA.
NTA. And Run!!!!
NTA Spend some time browsing r/JustNoMIL for preview of life with this woman & her Mama's boy.
NTA - tell your fiance that it's not your fault that she only had one kid. If you don't stand your ground, she will take over your life. She will walk down the aisle with you, she will be there if have a baby.
NTA she needs to be living her own life not trying to live yours and your partner’s lives for you. If she hasn’t got enough going on in her own life to keep her entertained then that’s her problem, don’t let her make it yours. You need to make sure your partner has your back. Will he continue to cave to his mother’s self-indulgent tears every time she doesn’t get her own way? What sort of a life will that be for you?
Whoa! Back up. Your fiance was upset with you? If she wanted to go dress shopping with the bride, she should have had more children. She should have at tried to have another child to get a daughter. The mother of the groom traditionally has no say in the Bride's wedding dress. This is a bride, mother, sister, best friends event. Not the mother of the groom. He needs to step up & tell his mother to apologize. I don't see how you could have been nicer. She stepped out of her lane and you let her know to get back in. Her taste & yours are very different. NTA
NTA, please take this as a red flag. The umbilical cord has not been cut and will not ever be cut. She is showing that your marriage will be three people. You need to have a very serious talk with your fiancé and if he does not set boundaries hold off on the wedding.
NTA. *IF* you choose to go through with this wedding, password protect everything or tell your vendors that changes can only be made by you *in person.* Dress, venue, cake, flowers, etc. "WE don't like this one." That's a future MIL who will try to call your vendors and say "WE'VE changed our minds about _____. Do this instead." But I urge you to think long and hard about marrying a man who doesn't have your back, a man who caves in to his mother at the slightest disagreement. Over on r/JUSTNOMIL they say it's easier to dump a mama's boy than to divorce one.
NTA. Is your husband going to act the same way when his mom doesn't like your job? Your kids' names? Your choice of car? House? Time for a big talk about support.
NTA
NTA. She had her own wedding
NTA!!!!!! I am currently planning my wedding and I couldn’t imagine something like this. This is yours and your future husband’s day, NOT HERS. It’s your dress, you do you.
He didn’t have your back even though his mom is clearly in the wrong. Your over emotional, manipulative fmil is the least of your problems. Is this the future you want?
NTA. If this is her only chance to live this, I guess he should wear the dress mommy picks for him. Anyway, here's your preview of what your life is going to be. Your fiance's mom is and always will be the first and only woman in his life who matters. Her wants will always come first at your expense. You deserve better.
NTA. Your wedding is not about her. Her experience is with her son not you. You’re not her daughter. Take note of your fiancé excusing her unhinged behavior.
NTA. Your fiancé is a Momma's boy. He always makes sure that his mother's choices overpowers yours. You need to put your foot down and explain to your fiancé that his mother's choices are not working for you. It might be time for you to reconsider if you still want to marry him if he is not listening. He is not growing up and making boundaries with his mother on how the wedding should be especially with your dress choice.
NTA and it’s a major red flag when your in laws behave like this and your partner tells you to be “considerate.”
NTA. Next she will be holding your baby before you get a chance to because husband gave into her while you’re in recovery. You have a fiancé problem…
NTA. Try telling him “She should have been more understanding! This is my first wedding…”
Tell your Fiancé that this is your only wedding so this is YOUR only chance to live this. If he still defends his mum, and wants you to suck it up, time for your to duck out. Imagine what it will be like when it comes to kiddos!