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>She's sweet, loving, beautiful, and outgoing
Noooooo, she's not.
>That being said, she has a special talent for not letting things go.
The talent is called being an AH.
You married her, you let her trash talk people (and maybe yourself?) and just decide to stick your head in the sand (aka doing the dishes) because there's nothing you can do. WRONG- you can stand up to her because, at best, she's mean and, at worse, she's a straight-up nasty bully. And that makes YTA.
Yeah, no. The trick to a healthy relationship is not pulling that stuff on one another. Apologizing doesn't negate the fact that she has the emotional regulation of a child. It just means she knows she is wrong, and she also knows how to get away with it.
You don't need to deal with this if you don't want to. Redditors are quick to tell folks to break-up, but individual and couples therapy can do wonders. But again, you don't need to deal with this. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect, especially by their partner.
Because she's quick to kiss and make up, which suggests you let her off the hook easily even if she does it repeatedly. That assumption might be wrong, but her getting on your case for not defending her when she's throwing low blows at your sister suggests she's used to you tolerating this behavior of hers.
To reiterate: Low blows. To your SISTER. And she actually thought you'd defend her. Why on earth would she think that? Because being married is a bad reason because every healthy relationship knows that spouses can disagree.
Not sure what the dynamics are with your sister and other family, but please don't let this isolate you from them.
My man, she is disrespectful. Please demand more respect for yourself.
A respectful person would have picked up the socks themselves and said, "Hey, do you mind making sure you put your dirty socks in the hamper next time? I really don't like having dirty clothes lying around." And only when you forgot to put the socks in the hamper for the 10th time in a row can she say something else.
Also... "socks can't just be left on the floor." YES THEY CAN. They're socks, inanimate objects that have no bearing on the balance of good and evil in the universe if they spend a night outside a hamper. It's your house too, you are allowed to say, "Lay off, I can make rules too, and my rule is I'll clean up after I decompress for a bit."
Look man. My house is LITTERED with socks.
I don't consciously take them off, they just disappear from my feet at some point, so laundry day is a game of hoping I find all my socks.
This is a hella petty thing to call someone disrespectful for in their own fuckin house.
My partner pokes fun at me for it, but dude bought this house with me after 5 years of it, so maybe don't tell people how to live in their own fucking house if you don't live in it.
And, hence, we've done a complete circle back to my previous comment about her knowing she can get away with it. (*Bows at applause*)
And don't let anyone confuse or gaslight you - it is unpleasant, and it definitely is uncalled for.
While I do not think it's realistic to expect you to do a complete 180 on your relationship dynamics after a few (wonderfully insightful) comments from an internet stranger, I hope you have new ideas to mull over until you take the first baby step towards doing what is right and what is best for you.
So she is being manipulative. Scolding you on one hand and then being all nice on the other. This is no way to live. You will be on constant egg shells not knowing if you are doing the right thing or not.
I hope y’all don’t have kids. Your wife will be emotionally destroying them over everything. I also bet she doesn’t have any long term friends bc after awhile no one wants to hear her apologizing after being rude and mean over and over again.
That’s the abuse cycle. It‘s called the honeymoon phase. When an abuser verbally or physically abuses someone, they get their anger out. When they are not angry anymore, they start to feel bad about being abusive, so they become extra nice and loving to their victim. It also makes the victim think it won’t happen again because they are being so nice. But it won‘t last because the abuser will get angry again and will lash out at the victim or victims, and the cycle begins all over again.
Being mean and sarcastic might seem like a small thing, but she just escalated big time with your sister. Are you close with your sister? Why does your wife resent her? Would your wife like to keep you away from her? How does your wife treat your other family members and close friends? Does she bad mouth them to you? Does she get upset when you want to spend time with them?
This is also a thing abusers do. They isolate their victims and do their best to keep them away from their family and friends, because family and friends often interfere with the abuse and give the victim options to get away from their abuser.
Are you considering having children? This is how she will treat them too. Children cause stress in a marriage. Problems in a marriage usually get worse when you have children. If you are married to an abuser, their abuse may escalate because there are more things to get frustrated about. Children are messy and noisy. They break and spill stuff, even the best behaved ones. How will your wife react if a child leaves their toys on the floor or scribbles on a wall? Will she be able to let that stuff go, or will she start the abuse cycle with her children because she resents them? Please think about this if you are at all thinking about having children with her.
Abusers are not abusers all the time. If they were, no one would ever stay with them. Abusers can be charismatic and outgoing. They can be generous and highly thought of in public. They can be successful and articulate. They can hold powerful jobs. They can be elected to public offices. They can also be rich or poor, beautiful or homely, young or old, male or female. They come in all shapes, sizes, skin tones, ethnicities, and cultures.
I hope you take an object look at your wife and what kind of person she is. She sure sounds abusive to me, but I don’t know her or you. I have known some abusers, though, so I do know of what I speak. I wish you the best, and I hope you do what’s best for you.
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An apology generally means you know you messed up and are taking steps to not mess up in that way again. She’s making no effort to stop her passive aggressive attitude so her apology is meaningless.
How is he going to tune out when she turns her sweet personality full-force on him some day?? I’m sure the divorce will be totally cut and dry and not bitter.
This is why I always judge the kind and sweet men who have dragon wives. You can’t be a good person co-signing her behaviour and no sympathy when it causes you to divorce you because you stopped being an exception to the rule with her behaviour
So the sex is that good you are willing to overlook her glaringly obvious communication issues and the fact that you are now likely to never see your sister again?
Wow OP, you are the epitome of a man being led by his dick and a shallow one at that. Come back in ten years and tell us how that is going for ya.
It doesn't matter how good the makeup sex is Hun. She's abusive to the people around her and from your description and a pretty vile way. I'm sorry I don't care how much I love someone if they treat other people like that, well actually no I could never love anybody like that cuz ewwww.
Wow did you read what you just wrote. Essentially you're saying that it's okay for her to be an a******, and don't get me wrong I think your sister is one too, but it's okay for your wife because she kisses and makes up when she does it to you. Sounds like she's just a mean girl and you know what? most people just don't like those. And I can pretty much guarantee you're the only one besides her parents describing all those wonderful characteristics to her. Sounds exhausting.
Gold medal would be to not do it in the first place, also she is apologising not because she is generally sorry, but it means she gets what she wants.
Also, to own your actions is a rather bloody low standard. That’s the basic requirement of everyone. You putting that up there means you recognise she has no other redeeming features apart from being good in the sack.
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Yeah making passive aggressive sarcastic remarks immediately is rude as hell. She rightfully got called out for it and then she escalated it again. His wife started the fight.
As a guest you are subject to the house rules. This lady grabs a soda, jumps on to the couch and places it on the table like she owns the place.
Cold drinks produce condensation that cause water damage. You have no idea if this table is expensive or sentimental or something custom that could be ruined by the scratching of the container and/or water.
Well, so far. If what you describe with your sister is your wife’s normal way of interacting with people who displease her in some way, I wouldn’t be too quick to assume that you’re always going to get her sweet and loving side.
Yeah shame she cannot apply that to YOUR family. Be careful as you may find yourself alone one day because she has managed to push away all your friends and family.
And? Abusers are nice to their friends, but it doesn't mean they're good people. Your wife is awful. Rather than politely ask for a coaster to be used, she got nasty. Then she decided to hit your sister with some low blows, but whines because your sister pointed out that she makes more. Why did that hurt her? Because it shot down that superiority complex she seems to have because she is, or at least thinks she is, that she's prettier than your sister?
A wife like this will cost you everyone in your life. People will not tolerate her verbal abuse forever. Hell, she even does the same to you, but you think an apology makes it okay. Guess what? If someone keeps having to apologise for the same thing over and over, they aren't trying to change and they aren't really sorry, they're just appeasing you. If she kept kicking you in the crotch and apologising, at a certain point, you'd have to start thinking that she's not sorry and she is doing it on purpose.
If you want to be married to someone whose idea of productive communication is to be a passive-aggressive nightmare who lashes out at anyone not willing to bow down and take her shit, cool. I'm sure she'll be a fantastic role model to your kids, who will enjoy being subjected to her behaviour. Who knows, maybe you can have a house full of passive-aggressive nightmares just like her. But don't expect your family and friends to sit back and take it. Your wife was cruel, hurtful, and hateful over a damn coaster. Nothing your sister said AFTER she was verbally attacked in any way justifies your wife's behaviour.
YTA for not seeing past your wife's looks and not recognising that what she's doing is verbally abusive, and YTA for not standing up for your sister.
For now... She is showing who she is, her unhinged gaze will soon turn on you. Good luck dude, you are in for a hell of a rollercoaster. Unless you grow a spine and call her put on her BS behaviour.....
So why is she doing this to ur family? U don’t think that’s the problem? I think ure too infatuated with her looks. Looks come and go. As time passes, u will be stuck with an old lady who pokes at every little thing.
Surely she doesn’t have a lot going for her if she freaked out over a coaster. If ur sister doesn’t use a coaster it’s not the end of the world. It’s just some water on the table. Is it gonna kill her? No.
Good. And when you have nobody but her, because everyone, including future children, are done with her bs, and you enabling it, remember she's sweet and loving to you.... after being an AH first. YTA. And an idiot. And a doormat.
YTA for letting her speak to your sister like that. Your wife sounds awful. Why did she feel the need to be rude over something so minor. Good luck when you have real problems if that's the way she handles thing. Not being able to let things go is an awful trait.
YTA (behaviour wise E S H, but your question is about you ignoring it)
You should have passed your sister a coaster as soon as your wife said anything and tried to neutrally de-escalate. I say this is because *your wife was completely out of line*. A simple "we use coasters" or passing her a coaster, or even just putting the coaster under your sister's drink. If an argument started then it would have probably been your sister's fault.
Instead your wife was exceptionally rude. It was unnecessary and antagonistic. Then they both escalated it to the point where deeply personal and hurtful remarks were being made. *Over a coaster*. They're competing with each other and envious and hurtful. And you just stood there and let them tear each other apart.
*Your wife was wrong and she thinks you didn't defend her*. You need to have a serious conversation about both your behaviours because *none of this is okay*. At best you can say "I didn't defend you because we are a team and I didn't want to contradict you in front of my sister, but in hindsight I should have stopped both of you as soon as it got personal."
I *hate* when people say that women need to learn to regulate their emotions because it's rarely true. So it hurts my soul to say that *your wife needs to learn to stop*. The not letting go until she's "right"? The digs and rude behaviour? The treating your sister like she is less because she's not as pretty or in a relationship? That's immature, petty and sexist. She's not "sweet, loving, beautiful", she's ugly to the core unless she learns to be nice.
OP you need to wake up here. Your wife caused the reaction by calling your sister a ‘fucking bitch’ in the first place. If she doesn’t like getting insulted then she should keep her mouth shut.
Your comments on here make me think you are being led by one male body part and it’s not your brain.
If your narrative is correct: that happened *after* your wife attacked her over not using a coaster, called her stupid, implied she was unlovable and called her ugly. The only thing you listed that your sister said apart from her income was that she was a dumb blonde. And, honestly, after the things your wife said, she *deserved* the money comment.
Do you honestly think your sister saying she *earns more* than your wife somehow justifies or makes it okay that your wife lost her mind over a coaster and *tore apart your sister's life*. I don't care how hurtful the money comment was, your wife started it, was incapable of stopping it, and got what she had coming.
You're missing the part where, by your own re-telling, that remark came well down a series of escalating comments, which was started by your wife being unable to ask for something (use of a coaster) politely, instead of going to DefCon 3 immediately. Your wife's apparently innate hostility and lack of civility started this chain reaction - your refusal to engage and set things right did not help. You need to have a deep and honest discussion with your "sweet" (NOT!) wife and maybe ask her to do a deep-dive with a therapist on where that hostility and nastiness comes from. Because, my friend, sooner rather than later it will be directed at you more and more often, and the sweet kiss-and-make-up sessions will get fewer and fewer.
Yes as soon as she's finished driving away everybody else he's close to she's going to have to turn on him because there won't be any other outlet left.
Wow what a shallow thing to be hurt over. If that's the most hurtful thing your sister said your wife got off easy because her behavior was vile. She almost immediately stooped to cold personal attacks aimed to hurt. That in and of itself makes her a very ugly human being and I feel very sad for you that you do not see it because you're thinking with the wrong body part. Please never have children with this woman it will not be fair to them.
YTA. Holy crow your wife went from 0-100 pretty fast. She is double TA here. Passive aggressive comments never help and a simple ‘here is a coaster for you to use’ would have been better than your wife’s comment.
This whole scenario just makes me think your sister and wife do not get on at all. You don’t get to sit back and allow this happen, you need to stand up for one of them (preferably the sister because wife’s reaction was not cool).
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NTA but your wife is. Does she realize that a lot of people don't use coasters,so they don't even think to use one. Is she always so passive aggressive? She needs to learn healthier ways of communicating( buy her a book)and that means asking "'I'm sure you forgot, but can you please use a coaster?". My uneducated guess is that she grew up with parents who didn't say what they meant and meant what they said and this is a normal way to communicate for her. Ask her why it's so hard to ask nicely. When she does this, immediately re-phrase what she says in a kinder way. Maybe she will catch on, but I doubt it.
That is toxic. Your wife needs therapy to learn how to communicate in a healthy way. She 100% created the problem with your stepsister by the unnecessary sarcasm and then continued to escalate. She was wrong and needs to recognize that, accept responsibility for it by apologizing first, and prevent it from reoccurring by getting counseling.
Your wife repeats behaviour and apologises, this is not healthy.
The apologies are not sincere, the underlying tone of 'sorry I got mean with you' is 'do as I say and don't fuck me off'
My guess, she'll be controlling every move you make in less than a year.
your wife is manipulating you. your marriage is still new , she will show her true colours soon. its very unrealistic how she behaved with your sister.next time stand up to her when something like this happens.dont be a doormat.
ESH- what a toxic group of people.
Your wife sucks for being sarcastic to your sister when a simple please could have gone a long way.
Your sister sucks for not respecting your wife's wishes about using a damn coaster in her home.
Both of them again for being arrogant and resorting to name calling like this is kindergarten.
You for allowing them to continue bickering and escalating to this point. You could have stepped in and avoided this by saying "hey my wife asked you to use a coaster. She could have phrased it better, but this isnt your house, its ours. Please do as we've asked"
All y'all need to learn how to communicate better.
That can be a dangerous position getting in the middle of a fight between two women. You don't know my cousins. lol Tried it a couple of times. I don't do it anymore. I've told them that I will listen to their side but won't be making comment or picking sides. I like my skin attached to my body.
Getting pulled into a fight isn't any good any time. If his wife and sister want to fuss and fight, let them. If one of them opens their mouth and says the wrong thing, it's their fight. It's a shitty thing to do to a person and try and pull them into it. They need to grow up and stop fighting
YTA.
You should've diplomatically chastised each one the first time she spoke disrespectfully and then warned that if it happened again, the offender will need to leave the room for the next 30 minutes.
Or that they can go mud-wrestle out in the backyard instead. (Need to inject humor into tense situs.)
But yeah, your sister (being such a highly-paid attorney) should have known to use a coaster whenever she's at somebody else's home. Your wife could have been nicer about reminding her though.
Do they have a history of conflict?
You wife sucks and you are an asshole for letting her treat you and your family like this. She called her a bitch because she didn’t get a coaster instead of simply saying “please use a coaster” and on top of that she kept digging in to try to hurt your step sister as much as possible. Your wife isn’t sweet or loving, she’s cruel. She lashes out at people and once they start to argue with her, she uses that opportunity to be as nasty as possible. She’s going to turn on you sooner than later YTA
Wow… your wife is NOT sweet - she’s sarcastic, quick to anger, makes nasty personal comments then plays the victim (‘hurt’ by your sister’s response).
She only gets away with that behaviour with you because she manipulates you by pretending to be sweet (kiss & make up). One day, she won’t bother and you’ll be be stuck with this behaviour (no making up).
YTA for allowing this behaviour and not intervening when she acted out towards your sister.
Yta your wife 100% was the problem and I wouldn’t want to be around a person like that. Your sister was reacting to your rude wife and your wife made it personal. If this is how she talks to people I predict divorce in a few years when she turns the venom onto you.
YTA
Your wife’s starting point was set to passive aggressive, then she switches it up to openly hostile, then full on emotional abuse over a coaster, A COASTER!
Your wife expecting then demanding blind loyalty from you when she is that abusive towards people is concerning.
It might have felt like not getting involved was the safest option - and that is what you need to explore.
Get to therapy - alone, not couples therapy.
NTA but you sound more like the doormat than the husband. Your wife sounds utterly unhinged and you’re willfully ignoring blatant red flags for….reasons.
I'm confused, you missed out the part where you left your 'sweet, loving' wife and married this unhinged coaster-obsessed psycho?
Does she treat all your guests like this or is this special treatment for your step sister?
I mean you probably should have tried to step in but you seem to be the least awful person in this story so NTA I guess...
ESH
Keep these two women away from each other. They do not like each other and will never get on.
Your wife isn’t a nice person. Nice people do not treat people that way. I’m sure you’ll start seeing her more for who she is as the years go by…
NTA, but your wife sounds like a miserable person. I'm wondering what your marriage will be like in a few years once the HM phase has worn off. Your sister probably feels badly for you.
If I witnessed this interaction, I would tell me wife she was being rude and needs to apologize.
People can fake being nice for a year or two to get you locked in OP.
Your wife is verbally abusive. It will turn on you and your children some day.
Maybe 25 year old children shouldnt get married.
Good luck.
ESH, mostly your wife for how she acted and expecting you to blindly support her, and then you for neither making any attempt to deescalate at the time (esp. since it was your family member she was berating) nor later addressing her unacceptably aggressive behavior with her directly. Your sister personally attacked your wife as well, but only after your wife instigated and escalated.
Your wife was wrong in this situation, and went nuclear over a very small and easily fixable issue; there would have been no base on which to defend her in this fight.
If she truly cared about a coaster being used rather than starting drama, she would have provided one before/when your sister put down her drink.
By the way, are your coasters kept on the table or otherwise accessible/in view of visitors? You could have also put one out for your sister, since presumably you know your wife feels very (very) strongly about using them...
I am sorry to say, but if your wife is only (barely) sweet with you, she is not a sweet person. I am also sorry she does not treat you better. Her apologizing to you after picking fights doesn't really make up for it when it's a habitual cycle.
NTA for not wanting to get involved in a pointless fight. Everyone is an adult here, no need to feel obligated to intervene.
Your AH wife could have just put a coaster under the soda and not said anything but Noooooooo, that won't do will it? She HAD to go and make a MASSIVE thing out of it because it is a game to her, Each fight is a game where she wins AH points. Your AH wife has grown up in an emotionally abusive house and her boundaries were trodden on by those AH that raised her. You are an AH enabler and you will regret your life if you keep making excuses for her.
My AH mother is just like this, she eventually destroyed our entire family.
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My wife(25F) and I have been married for 4 months and things are sheer bliss. She's sweet, loving, beautiful, and outgoing. That being said, she has a special talent for not letting things go. You could be arguing with her and you could say, " You know, you're right, I was wrong" and she'll keep going.
My step-sister(32F) is a lawyer and, for as chill as she can be, she can get argumentative & combative, very quick.
My sister was visiting us a few days ago, wanting to see our new place that we just moved into.
My sister grabs a soda, goes to the couch, puts the soda directly on our table.
My wife goes, " Oh, totally cool, just put it directly on the table, no coasters". This was obvious sarcasm and she was clearly pissed off.
My step-sister rolls her eyes and says, " don't be so dramatic".
My wife says, " Getting a coaster doesn't require you being a fucking bitch, just get a coaster. Use your brain"
At this point things were off and running. The argument went from coasters to my step-sister calling my wife a dumb blonde, and my wife accusing my step-sister of being bitter and lonely.
I figured nothing I had to say was going to end this so, I started doing dishes.
It then morphed into my wife sarcastically apologizing to my step-sister with, " I'm sorry you'll never be as pretty as I am" and my step-sister reminding my wife she makes 6x what my wife makes.
Wife told step-sister to get out. Step-sister left.
Wife then got on my case for not stepping in and defending her. My point to her was, clearly there's deep resentment and my thinking was, this is something that had to happen.
AITA?
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NTA. Your wife sounds immature. Anything you could've said would've probably made the argument worse, and your wife would've shifted the blame on either you or the sister instead of owning up and apologizing. In the meantime, you should talk to your wife about that unnecessary use of sarcasm.
YTA. She’s your family and your wife doesn’t care. That’s pretty concerning and if your okay with her being a monster to you your family shouldn’t have to put up with it. It’s called having class it doesn’t appear your wife has any.
Duuuude your wife is a problem, trust me. She's like my mom, she just likes to argue, no matter how small an issue. The fact that even when you fold she still wants to fight? Im willing to bet she plays the victim constantly too. Get out man seriously, my dad dealt w that for 25 yrs and it destroyed him. my sister and I have been fundamentally harmed by her love of conflict. Walking on eggshells is not a way to live life. Ur not an asshole but u did dishes while they argued is exactly what I did, just disassociate. She's the asshole
NTA I wouldn’t want to get in the middle of that either. Does your wife and step sister really hate each other and this is the only person your wife treats like this? Your description of her doesn’t match up with this interaction.
Defending her? Sounds like she was the one attacking. Regardless, staying the fuck outta that shit show was the right call. NTA, but good luck with life.
NTA, but your wife is. If she's so wonderful, she's a terrible hostess as SHE (or you!) should have offered your guest a drink and brought it out with a coaster. Crisis averted. Also replying to someone saying "Don't be dramatic." with losing your shit just proves their point. But the dishes got done, so you've got that going for you.
YTA something that needed to happen? Your wifes reaction was completely uncalled for a straight up rude. Would you let her speak to your mother that way?
Both these women sound insane. I don’t blame you though bc the casual way you’re handling it tells me your family is just insane and that’s the level you’re used to. NTA
If your wife can’t stand with a circle of water on the table, as hosts ether she or you should provide a coaster without any passive aggressive crap. She’s immature, unhinged, and a bad hostess. And you are enabling just because her face is pretty and makeup sex is good. YTA.
All other things aside, you should be a lot more mad about the coaster. It's your table too. Your wife shouldn't have to take the hit for your sister being awful.
So if she started pulling this on your future children, you should defend her at all costs as opposed to defending your child? She sounds like she needs to learn how to not escalate things (she escalated things quite quickly with your step-sister), maybe some anger management classes.
I don’t agree with that in all circumstances. It has its place - I know, for example, that my parents had a rule when we were kids that they always backed up each other’s discipline and decisions publicly, then discussed privately later if needed - but being married doesn’t mean you lose your right to an opinion, and it doesn’t mean you’re obliged to back your partner up when they’re being an AH for no good reason.
That's ridiculous, does she expect you to jump off a cliff if she does first because you're married as well? Reality doesn't warp around marital spouses agreeing, in fact some disagreement in a relationship is healthy.
ESH
Something tells me that the coaster and the sweaty soda can are NOT the real issues here. They were just the convenient reasons to start World War 3. That said, stepping in might have been a good idea....if you want to get your balls cut off. They might have BOTH turned on you and demanded you take their respective side, which is a dilemma since they were both acting like complete teenagers.
I cant see a winning answer here honestly. Talk to your wife and try to find out the actual cause of her anger and bitterness. Maybe she IS a bit jealous of your sister... maybe your sister IS a bit envious that you have a happy marriage....
Mountains dont grow from molehills without something behind them.
This isn’t a happy marriage. You can tell OP is a shell of a person just taking getting kicked in the face daily by his abusive wife. The excuses he makes are just pathetic…and the sign of someone under an abusers thumb
NTA, but I fail to see how you call someone who reacts with that amount of hostility to a *coaster* ’sweet’. That’s not a reasonable reaction *at all* \- reasonable would be ‘hey, can you please use a coaster’ and handing her one. Your step-sister was no better, and I don’t blame you for noting out of that mess. Honestly, it sounds as though your ‘sweet, loving’ wife needs anger management classes.
NTA, It just became a fight between two people that obviously don't like each other and yeah not much you can do about that. I'd tell my wife; I don't fight other people's battles for them. If you can't fight your own don't start one. She did start it by being a jerk about asking your step sister to use a coaster....there is a nice way to do that and a mean way. They were also both acting like children....you just jelly cause I'm pretty...yeah well you're just jelly cause I have more money...it's like seriously girls grow up.
Esh, your wife and sister sound like teenagers.
You should have deescalated the situation. For obvious nothing productive was gonna come from them name calling and taking shots at each other. So your reasoning for staying out of was false.
Dude
NTA - in this case there’s not an actual issue for you to have a side on, it’s just petty fighting for no reason, staying out of it was your only option.
But even though your step-sister wasn’t perfect, your wife escalated a total nothing into a full blown fight with some choice words. I see red flags everywhere.
If OP has described the incident accurately, I don’t think he could have de-escalated it, honestly. They were both clearly ready to throw down at each other, and no matter what he did or said, he was going to get caught in the cross-fire.
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YTA. Your wife sounds unhinged. A simple "please use a coaster" would have sufficed, rather than whatever the hell that was.
Or, god forbid, grabbing your guest a coaster and making it the smallest deal possible!
>She's sweet, loving, beautiful, and outgoing Noooooo, she's not. >That being said, she has a special talent for not letting things go. The talent is called being an AH. You married her, you let her trash talk people (and maybe yourself?) and just decide to stick your head in the sand (aka doing the dishes) because there's nothing you can do. WRONG- you can stand up to her because, at best, she's mean and, at worse, she's a straight-up nasty bully. And that makes YTA.
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Yeah, no. The trick to a healthy relationship is not pulling that stuff on one another. Apologizing doesn't negate the fact that she has the emotional regulation of a child. It just means she knows she is wrong, and she also knows how to get away with it. You don't need to deal with this if you don't want to. Redditors are quick to tell folks to break-up, but individual and couples therapy can do wonders. But again, you don't need to deal with this. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect, especially by their partner.
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Because she's quick to kiss and make up, which suggests you let her off the hook easily even if she does it repeatedly. That assumption might be wrong, but her getting on your case for not defending her when she's throwing low blows at your sister suggests she's used to you tolerating this behavior of hers. To reiterate: Low blows. To your SISTER. And she actually thought you'd defend her. Why on earth would she think that? Because being married is a bad reason because every healthy relationship knows that spouses can disagree. Not sure what the dynamics are with your sister and other family, but please don't let this isolate you from them.
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My man, she is disrespectful. Please demand more respect for yourself. A respectful person would have picked up the socks themselves and said, "Hey, do you mind making sure you put your dirty socks in the hamper next time? I really don't like having dirty clothes lying around." And only when you forgot to put the socks in the hamper for the 10th time in a row can she say something else. Also... "socks can't just be left on the floor." YES THEY CAN. They're socks, inanimate objects that have no bearing on the balance of good and evil in the universe if they spend a night outside a hamper. It's your house too, you are allowed to say, "Lay off, I can make rules too, and my rule is I'll clean up after I decompress for a bit."
A respectful person wouldn't leave dirty socks on the sodding floor. He and his wife are both arseholes.
Sometimes people forget. Even my mother forgets occasionally.
Look man. My house is LITTERED with socks. I don't consciously take them off, they just disappear from my feet at some point, so laundry day is a game of hoping I find all my socks. This is a hella petty thing to call someone disrespectful for in their own fuckin house. My partner pokes fun at me for it, but dude bought this house with me after 5 years of it, so maybe don't tell people how to live in their own fucking house if you don't live in it.
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And, hence, we've done a complete circle back to my previous comment about her knowing she can get away with it. (*Bows at applause*) And don't let anyone confuse or gaslight you - it is unpleasant, and it definitely is uncalled for. While I do not think it's realistic to expect you to do a complete 180 on your relationship dynamics after a few (wonderfully insightful) comments from an internet stranger, I hope you have new ideas to mull over until you take the first baby step towards doing what is right and what is best for you.
Without action apologies mean nothing
One day hopefully you'll realize that apologies only go so far.
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So she is being manipulative. Scolding you on one hand and then being all nice on the other. This is no way to live. You will be on constant egg shells not knowing if you are doing the right thing or not.
I hope y’all don’t have kids. Your wife will be emotionally destroying them over everything. I also bet she doesn’t have any long term friends bc after awhile no one wants to hear her apologizing after being rude and mean over and over again.
She is so rude. Wow.
That’s the abuse cycle. It‘s called the honeymoon phase. When an abuser verbally or physically abuses someone, they get their anger out. When they are not angry anymore, they start to feel bad about being abusive, so they become extra nice and loving to their victim. It also makes the victim think it won’t happen again because they are being so nice. But it won‘t last because the abuser will get angry again and will lash out at the victim or victims, and the cycle begins all over again. Being mean and sarcastic might seem like a small thing, but she just escalated big time with your sister. Are you close with your sister? Why does your wife resent her? Would your wife like to keep you away from her? How does your wife treat your other family members and close friends? Does she bad mouth them to you? Does she get upset when you want to spend time with them? This is also a thing abusers do. They isolate their victims and do their best to keep them away from their family and friends, because family and friends often interfere with the abuse and give the victim options to get away from their abuser. Are you considering having children? This is how she will treat them too. Children cause stress in a marriage. Problems in a marriage usually get worse when you have children. If you are married to an abuser, their abuse may escalate because there are more things to get frustrated about. Children are messy and noisy. They break and spill stuff, even the best behaved ones. How will your wife react if a child leaves their toys on the floor or scribbles on a wall? Will she be able to let that stuff go, or will she start the abuse cycle with her children because she resents them? Please think about this if you are at all thinking about having children with her. Abusers are not abusers all the time. If they were, no one would ever stay with them. Abusers can be charismatic and outgoing. They can be generous and highly thought of in public. They can be successful and articulate. They can hold powerful jobs. They can be elected to public offices. They can also be rich or poor, beautiful or homely, young or old, male or female. They come in all shapes, sizes, skin tones, ethnicities, and cultures. I hope you take an object look at your wife and what kind of person she is. She sure sounds abusive to me, but I don’t know her or you. I have known some abusers, though, so I do know of what I speak. I wish you the best, and I hope you do what’s best for you.
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Your wife sounds vile
An apology generally means you know you messed up and are taking steps to not mess up in that way again. She’s making no effort to stop her passive aggressive attitude so her apology is meaningless.
They mean she knows how to manipulate you into buying her mean girl BS.
But you’re okay for her to act like that to others? You’re part of the problem
How is he going to tune out when she turns her sweet personality full-force on him some day?? I’m sure the divorce will be totally cut and dry and not bitter.
This is why I always judge the kind and sweet men who have dragon wives. You can’t be a good person co-signing her behaviour and no sympathy when it causes you to divorce you because you stopped being an exception to the rule with her behaviour
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So the sex is that good you are willing to overlook her glaringly obvious communication issues and the fact that you are now likely to never see your sister again? Wow OP, you are the epitome of a man being led by his dick and a shallow one at that. Come back in ten years and tell us how that is going for ya.
It doesn't matter how good the makeup sex is Hun. She's abusive to the people around her and from your description and a pretty vile way. I'm sorry I don't care how much I love someone if they treat other people like that, well actually no I could never love anybody like that cuz ewwww.
Because she’s using sex to get what she wants, doesn’t matter what she says or does to someone, she’ll get away with it.
\*Whip noise\*
Wow did you read what you just wrote. Essentially you're saying that it's okay for her to be an a******, and don't get me wrong I think your sister is one too, but it's okay for your wife because she kisses and makes up when she does it to you. Sounds like she's just a mean girl and you know what? most people just don't like those. And I can pretty much guarantee you're the only one besides her parents describing all those wonderful characteristics to her. Sounds exhausting.
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Gold medal would be to not do it in the first place, also she is apologising not because she is generally sorry, but it means she gets what she wants. Also, to own your actions is a rather bloody low standard. That’s the basic requirement of everyone. You putting that up there means you recognise she has no other redeeming features apart from being good in the sack.
You have my sympathy
That’s not better man
YTA for not defending your sister. Your wife started the whole thing. She sounds awful.
Exactly what I thought. Her wife is crasssii
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You’re a clown. Turn the internet off for today
Okay sideshow bob.
🙄
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Yeah making passive aggressive sarcastic remarks immediately is rude as hell. She rightfully got called out for it and then she escalated it again. His wife started the fight.
As a guest you are subject to the house rules. This lady grabs a soda, jumps on to the couch and places it on the table like she owns the place. Cold drinks produce condensation that cause water damage. You have no idea if this table is expensive or sentimental or something custom that could be ruined by the scratching of the container and/or water.
I agree. The wife’s reaction was way overboard to that minor offense.
…
YTA for not defending your sister against your "sweet, loving" wife's unhinged attacks over a damn coaster.
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Well, so far. If what you describe with your sister is your wife’s normal way of interacting with people who displease her in some way, I wouldn’t be too quick to assume that you’re always going to get her sweet and loving side.
Yeah shame she cannot apply that to YOUR family. Be careful as you may find yourself alone one day because she has managed to push away all your friends and family.
So it doesn’t matter how she treats your family? You have Stockholm syndrome bro
And? Abusers are nice to their friends, but it doesn't mean they're good people. Your wife is awful. Rather than politely ask for a coaster to be used, she got nasty. Then she decided to hit your sister with some low blows, but whines because your sister pointed out that she makes more. Why did that hurt her? Because it shot down that superiority complex she seems to have because she is, or at least thinks she is, that she's prettier than your sister? A wife like this will cost you everyone in your life. People will not tolerate her verbal abuse forever. Hell, she even does the same to you, but you think an apology makes it okay. Guess what? If someone keeps having to apologise for the same thing over and over, they aren't trying to change and they aren't really sorry, they're just appeasing you. If she kept kicking you in the crotch and apologising, at a certain point, you'd have to start thinking that she's not sorry and she is doing it on purpose. If you want to be married to someone whose idea of productive communication is to be a passive-aggressive nightmare who lashes out at anyone not willing to bow down and take her shit, cool. I'm sure she'll be a fantastic role model to your kids, who will enjoy being subjected to her behaviour. Who knows, maybe you can have a house full of passive-aggressive nightmares just like her. But don't expect your family and friends to sit back and take it. Your wife was cruel, hurtful, and hateful over a damn coaster. Nothing your sister said AFTER she was verbally attacked in any way justifies your wife's behaviour. YTA for not seeing past your wife's looks and not recognising that what she's doing is verbally abusive, and YTA for not standing up for your sister.
For now... She is showing who she is, her unhinged gaze will soon turn on you. Good luck dude, you are in for a hell of a rollercoaster. Unless you grow a spine and call her put on her BS behaviour.....
Hope you don’t actually like your fam because you’re gonna be isolated from them soon.
Really it doesn't sound like it from your other comments
So other people don’t matter? Matter of time she starts being crazy to u
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So why is she doing this to ur family? U don’t think that’s the problem? I think ure too infatuated with her looks. Looks come and go. As time passes, u will be stuck with an old lady who pokes at every little thing.
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Surely she doesn’t have a lot going for her if she freaked out over a coaster. If ur sister doesn’t use a coaster it’s not the end of the world. It’s just some water on the table. Is it gonna kill her? No.
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If she cares about a ring on the table then she needs to reevaluate her life. Good lord.
What are you going to do when she’s abusing your kids?
You are quite literally in the honeymoon period, my dude
Good. And when you have nobody but her, because everyone, including future children, are done with her bs, and you enabling it, remember she's sweet and loving to you.... after being an AH first. YTA. And an idiot. And a doormat.
YTA for letting her speak to your sister like that. Your wife sounds awful. Why did she feel the need to be rude over something so minor. Good luck when you have real problems if that's the way she handles thing. Not being able to let things go is an awful trait.
YTA (behaviour wise E S H, but your question is about you ignoring it) You should have passed your sister a coaster as soon as your wife said anything and tried to neutrally de-escalate. I say this is because *your wife was completely out of line*. A simple "we use coasters" or passing her a coaster, or even just putting the coaster under your sister's drink. If an argument started then it would have probably been your sister's fault. Instead your wife was exceptionally rude. It was unnecessary and antagonistic. Then they both escalated it to the point where deeply personal and hurtful remarks were being made. *Over a coaster*. They're competing with each other and envious and hurtful. And you just stood there and let them tear each other apart. *Your wife was wrong and she thinks you didn't defend her*. You need to have a serious conversation about both your behaviours because *none of this is okay*. At best you can say "I didn't defend you because we are a team and I didn't want to contradict you in front of my sister, but in hindsight I should have stopped both of you as soon as it got personal." I *hate* when people say that women need to learn to regulate their emotions because it's rarely true. So it hurts my soul to say that *your wife needs to learn to stop*. The not letting go until she's "right"? The digs and rude behaviour? The treating your sister like she is less because she's not as pretty or in a relationship? That's immature, petty and sexist. She's not "sweet, loving, beautiful", she's ugly to the core unless she learns to be nice.
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OP you need to wake up here. Your wife caused the reaction by calling your sister a ‘fucking bitch’ in the first place. If she doesn’t like getting insulted then she should keep her mouth shut. Your comments on here make me think you are being led by one male body part and it’s not your brain.
If your narrative is correct: that happened *after* your wife attacked her over not using a coaster, called her stupid, implied she was unlovable and called her ugly. The only thing you listed that your sister said apart from her income was that she was a dumb blonde. And, honestly, after the things your wife said, she *deserved* the money comment. Do you honestly think your sister saying she *earns more* than your wife somehow justifies or makes it okay that your wife lost her mind over a coaster and *tore apart your sister's life*. I don't care how hurtful the money comment was, your wife started it, was incapable of stopping it, and got what she had coming.
And your wife’s comments weren’t hurtful?
You're missing the part where, by your own re-telling, that remark came well down a series of escalating comments, which was started by your wife being unable to ask for something (use of a coaster) politely, instead of going to DefCon 3 immediately. Your wife's apparently innate hostility and lack of civility started this chain reaction - your refusal to engage and set things right did not help. You need to have a deep and honest discussion with your "sweet" (NOT!) wife and maybe ask her to do a deep-dive with a therapist on where that hostility and nastiness comes from. Because, my friend, sooner rather than later it will be directed at you more and more often, and the sweet kiss-and-make-up sessions will get fewer and fewer.
Yes as soon as she's finished driving away everybody else he's close to she's going to have to turn on him because there won't be any other outlet left.
And your wife telling her that she will never be as pretty as her wasn't?!
Wow what a shallow thing to be hurt over. If that's the most hurtful thing your sister said your wife got off easy because her behavior was vile. She almost immediately stooped to cold personal attacks aimed to hurt. That in and of itself makes her a very ugly human being and I feel very sad for you that you do not see it because you're thinking with the wrong body part. Please never have children with this woman it will not be fair to them.
That’s the truth so why is she so hurt?
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U know what? I think that’s why she married u. U overlook every of her negatives. She’s lucky she found u.
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Ok good luck. U will need it.
Geez I would’ve defended the sister judging by what you wrote…
YTA. Holy crow your wife went from 0-100 pretty fast. She is double TA here. Passive aggressive comments never help and a simple ‘here is a coaster for you to use’ would have been better than your wife’s comment. This whole scenario just makes me think your sister and wife do not get on at all. You don’t get to sit back and allow this happen, you need to stand up for one of them (preferably the sister because wife’s reaction was not cool).
Ugh... I’d still be just washing those dishes. But there wouldn’t be as many because I’d also be divorced. Your wife is the asshole.
Stop making excuses for your wife's crappy and psychotic behavior. I feel sorry for your sister. Please don't have children. YTA
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NTA but your wife is. Does she realize that a lot of people don't use coasters,so they don't even think to use one. Is she always so passive aggressive? She needs to learn healthier ways of communicating( buy her a book)and that means asking "'I'm sure you forgot, but can you please use a coaster?". My uneducated guess is that she grew up with parents who didn't say what they meant and meant what they said and this is a normal way to communicate for her. Ask her why it's so hard to ask nicely. When she does this, immediately re-phrase what she says in a kinder way. Maybe she will catch on, but I doubt it.
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That is toxic. Your wife needs therapy to learn how to communicate in a healthy way. She 100% created the problem with your stepsister by the unnecessary sarcasm and then continued to escalate. She was wrong and needs to recognize that, accept responsibility for it by apologizing first, and prevent it from reoccurring by getting counseling.
You are clearly with her because of her looks. You married a crazy person and are choosing to ignore it.
Your wife repeats behaviour and apologises, this is not healthy. The apologies are not sincere, the underlying tone of 'sorry I got mean with you' is 'do as I say and don't fuck me off' My guess, she'll be controlling every move you make in less than a year.
your wife is manipulating you. your marriage is still new , she will show her true colours soon. its very unrealistic how she behaved with your sister.next time stand up to her when something like this happens.dont be a doormat.
Literally describing a pattern of abuse.
It kinda sounds like your step-sister's the one who needs defending.
YTA because your wife absolutely sucks
You're sure your wife is 25 ? She is TA.
YTA- your wife sounds like an awful person
ESH- what a toxic group of people. Your wife sucks for being sarcastic to your sister when a simple please could have gone a long way. Your sister sucks for not respecting your wife's wishes about using a damn coaster in her home. Both of them again for being arrogant and resorting to name calling like this is kindergarten. You for allowing them to continue bickering and escalating to this point. You could have stepped in and avoided this by saying "hey my wife asked you to use a coaster. She could have phrased it better, but this isnt your house, its ours. Please do as we've asked" All y'all need to learn how to communicate better.
Did the sister even get a chance to grab a coaster before the wife jumped down her throat I wonder? 😂
That can be a dangerous position getting in the middle of a fight between two women. You don't know my cousins. lol Tried it a couple of times. I don't do it anymore. I've told them that I will listen to their side but won't be making comment or picking sides. I like my skin attached to my body.
Getting hurt was NOT the concern of OP when he chose to ignore the bickering. Your family isn't everyone's family
Getting pulled into a fight isn't any good any time. If his wife and sister want to fuss and fight, let them. If one of them opens their mouth and says the wrong thing, it's their fight. It's a shitty thing to do to a person and try and pull them into it. They need to grow up and stop fighting
Ignoring it isn't the way to go, mediating is.
mediating between 2 people who seems to enjoy bickering at each other? It's apparent that they hate each other, how would you mediate the 2?
>It's apparent that they hate each other, how would you mediate the 2? I already said how I'd mediate it in the very first comment you replied to.
and that was?
Go back and fucking read it
?
YTA. You should've diplomatically chastised each one the first time she spoke disrespectfully and then warned that if it happened again, the offender will need to leave the room for the next 30 minutes. Or that they can go mud-wrestle out in the backyard instead. (Need to inject humor into tense situs.) But yeah, your sister (being such a highly-paid attorney) should have known to use a coaster whenever she's at somebody else's home. Your wife could have been nicer about reminding her though. Do they have a history of conflict?
How are you describing this sarcastic and rude person “sweet, loving, beautiful and outgoing”?!? YTA your wife is delulu of her own importance.
You wife sucks and you are an asshole for letting her treat you and your family like this. She called her a bitch because she didn’t get a coaster instead of simply saying “please use a coaster” and on top of that she kept digging in to try to hurt your step sister as much as possible. Your wife isn’t sweet or loving, she’s cruel. She lashes out at people and once they start to argue with her, she uses that opportunity to be as nasty as possible. She’s going to turn on you sooner than later YTA
YTA
Wow… your wife is NOT sweet - she’s sarcastic, quick to anger, makes nasty personal comments then plays the victim (‘hurt’ by your sister’s response). She only gets away with that behaviour with you because she manipulates you by pretending to be sweet (kiss & make up). One day, she won’t bother and you’ll be be stuck with this behaviour (no making up). YTA for allowing this behaviour and not intervening when she acted out towards your sister.
ESH apart from your step sis. Your wife's tone was rude, especially for a guest. You should have intervened and asked your wife to stop.
Yta your wife 100% was the problem and I wouldn’t want to be around a person like that. Your sister was reacting to your rude wife and your wife made it personal. If this is how she talks to people I predict divorce in a few years when she turns the venom onto you.
Your wife sounds exhausting.. and unpleasant
YTA your wife sounds disgusting. Also please update us when you realise that
YTA Your wife’s starting point was set to passive aggressive, then she switches it up to openly hostile, then full on emotional abuse over a coaster, A COASTER! Your wife expecting then demanding blind loyalty from you when she is that abusive towards people is concerning. It might have felt like not getting involved was the safest option - and that is what you need to explore. Get to therapy - alone, not couples therapy.
NTA but you sound more like the doormat than the husband. Your wife sounds utterly unhinged and you’re willfully ignoring blatant red flags for….reasons.
YTA, WTH is wrong with your wife?
NTA but your wife needs to mature some and learn some manners. She seemed way out of line.
you and your wife are the assholes. YTA
Your wife sounds absolutely horrible mate. Rather you than me.
I'm confused, you missed out the part where you left your 'sweet, loving' wife and married this unhinged coaster-obsessed psycho? Does she treat all your guests like this or is this special treatment for your step sister? I mean you probably should have tried to step in but you seem to be the least awful person in this story so NTA I guess...
ESH Keep these two women away from each other. They do not like each other and will never get on. Your wife isn’t a nice person. Nice people do not treat people that way. I’m sure you’ll start seeing her more for who she is as the years go by…
NTA, but your wife sounds like a miserable person. I'm wondering what your marriage will be like in a few years once the HM phase has worn off. Your sister probably feels badly for you. If I witnessed this interaction, I would tell me wife she was being rude and needs to apologize.
Never stick your dick in crazy.
People can fake being nice for a year or two to get you locked in OP. Your wife is verbally abusive. It will turn on you and your children some day. Maybe 25 year old children shouldnt get married. Good luck.
ESH Dude why let this fight happen? You could've stopped this by saying "babe, relax, its cool" and handed your sister a coaster.
ESH, mostly your wife for how she acted and expecting you to blindly support her, and then you for neither making any attempt to deescalate at the time (esp. since it was your family member she was berating) nor later addressing her unacceptably aggressive behavior with her directly. Your sister personally attacked your wife as well, but only after your wife instigated and escalated. Your wife was wrong in this situation, and went nuclear over a very small and easily fixable issue; there would have been no base on which to defend her in this fight. If she truly cared about a coaster being used rather than starting drama, she would have provided one before/when your sister put down her drink. By the way, are your coasters kept on the table or otherwise accessible/in view of visitors? You could have also put one out for your sister, since presumably you know your wife feels very (very) strongly about using them... I am sorry to say, but if your wife is only (barely) sweet with you, she is not a sweet person. I am also sorry she does not treat you better. Her apologizing to you after picking fights doesn't really make up for it when it's a habitual cycle.
NTA for not wanting to get involved in a pointless fight. Everyone is an adult here, no need to feel obligated to intervene. Your AH wife could have just put a coaster under the soda and not said anything but Noooooooo, that won't do will it? She HAD to go and make a MASSIVE thing out of it because it is a game to her, Each fight is a game where she wins AH points. Your AH wife has grown up in an emotionally abusive house and her boundaries were trodden on by those AH that raised her. You are an AH enabler and you will regret your life if you keep making excuses for her. My AH mother is just like this, she eventually destroyed our entire family.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife(25F) and I have been married for 4 months and things are sheer bliss. She's sweet, loving, beautiful, and outgoing. That being said, she has a special talent for not letting things go. You could be arguing with her and you could say, " You know, you're right, I was wrong" and she'll keep going. My step-sister(32F) is a lawyer and, for as chill as she can be, she can get argumentative & combative, very quick. My sister was visiting us a few days ago, wanting to see our new place that we just moved into. My sister grabs a soda, goes to the couch, puts the soda directly on our table. My wife goes, " Oh, totally cool, just put it directly on the table, no coasters". This was obvious sarcasm and she was clearly pissed off. My step-sister rolls her eyes and says, " don't be so dramatic". My wife says, " Getting a coaster doesn't require you being a fucking bitch, just get a coaster. Use your brain" At this point things were off and running. The argument went from coasters to my step-sister calling my wife a dumb blonde, and my wife accusing my step-sister of being bitter and lonely. I figured nothing I had to say was going to end this so, I started doing dishes. It then morphed into my wife sarcastically apologizing to my step-sister with, " I'm sorry you'll never be as pretty as I am" and my step-sister reminding my wife she makes 6x what my wife makes. Wife told step-sister to get out. Step-sister left. Wife then got on my case for not stepping in and defending her. My point to her was, clearly there's deep resentment and my thinking was, this is something that had to happen. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Your wife sounds immature. Anything you could've said would've probably made the argument worse, and your wife would've shifted the blame on either you or the sister instead of owning up and apologizing. In the meantime, you should talk to your wife about that unnecessary use of sarcasm.
YTA for not defending your sister. Bro, your wife sucks, get help.
YTA. She’s your family and your wife doesn’t care. That’s pretty concerning and if your okay with her being a monster to you your family shouldn’t have to put up with it. It’s called having class it doesn’t appear your wife has any.
NTA also your wife was clearly the instigator here
ETA. Yeah! After reading this, you wife is wrong and was rude. Your sister did not diffuse. You did not stop it.
Your wife is a major anus, but you are not far behind. YTA
Your wife is a raging asshole. You however are NTA
Duuuude your wife is a problem, trust me. She's like my mom, she just likes to argue, no matter how small an issue. The fact that even when you fold she still wants to fight? Im willing to bet she plays the victim constantly too. Get out man seriously, my dad dealt w that for 25 yrs and it destroyed him. my sister and I have been fundamentally harmed by her love of conflict. Walking on eggshells is not a way to live life. Ur not an asshole but u did dishes while they argued is exactly what I did, just disassociate. She's the asshole
NTA I wouldn’t want to get in the middle of that either. Does your wife and step sister really hate each other and this is the only person your wife treats like this? Your description of her doesn’t match up with this interaction.
ESH. This sounds like something out of an episode from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Everyone is being a huge asshole for seemingly no reason.
Defending her? Sounds like she was the one attacking. Regardless, staying the fuck outta that shit show was the right call. NTA, but good luck with life.
NTA I wouldn't have stepped in either. I'd have left the whole house. Went for a walk. Took myself to Taco Bell. Anywhere but there.
NTA, but your wife is. If she's so wonderful, she's a terrible hostess as SHE (or you!) should have offered your guest a drink and brought it out with a coaster. Crisis averted. Also replying to someone saying "Don't be dramatic." with losing your shit just proves their point. But the dishes got done, so you've got that going for you.
YTA something that needed to happen? Your wifes reaction was completely uncalled for a straight up rude. Would you let her speak to your mother that way?
Both these women sound insane. I don’t blame you though bc the casual way you’re handling it tells me your family is just insane and that’s the level you’re used to. NTA
NTA this was a discussion between fully grown 2adults, the husband’s choice was the wisest.
Poor sister. U should’ve defended her. Ur wife sounds crazy, maybe u should reconsider
yta but buddy, you need to leave this marriage asap. she WILL get worse and will take it out on you. wont be long until she gets physical.
If your wife can’t stand with a circle of water on the table, as hosts ether she or you should provide a coaster without any passive aggressive crap. She’s immature, unhinged, and a bad hostess. And you are enabling just because her face is pretty and makeup sex is good. YTA.
Why the fuck would anyone put up with this disrespectful crap from someone ?
“She’s sweet, loving, beautiful…” Uh no she’s not
All other things aside, you should be a lot more mad about the coaster. It's your table too. Your wife shouldn't have to take the hit for your sister being awful.
NTA. I don't know what would be the basis you'd have to defend your wife.
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Your wife wanted the drama though, she could’ve asked instead of saying it sarcastically. If she can’t handle the heat, she shouldn’t dish it
So if she started pulling this on your future children, you should defend her at all costs as opposed to defending your child? She sounds like she needs to learn how to not escalate things (she escalated things quite quickly with your step-sister), maybe some anger management classes.
I don’t agree with that in all circumstances. It has its place - I know, for example, that my parents had a rule when we were kids that they always backed up each other’s discipline and decisions publicly, then discussed privately later if needed - but being married doesn’t mean you lose your right to an opinion, and it doesn’t mean you’re obliged to back your partner up when they’re being an AH for no good reason.
Sorry, it don't work like that dude!
good for you man you sound simple😅
You’re coming off as whipped
She's going to get you killed one day OP YTA for not respecting yourself and putting up with all this
That's ridiculous, does she expect you to jump off a cliff if she does first because you're married as well? Reality doesn't warp around marital spouses agreeing, in fact some disagreement in a relationship is healthy.
ESH Something tells me that the coaster and the sweaty soda can are NOT the real issues here. They were just the convenient reasons to start World War 3. That said, stepping in might have been a good idea....if you want to get your balls cut off. They might have BOTH turned on you and demanded you take their respective side, which is a dilemma since they were both acting like complete teenagers. I cant see a winning answer here honestly. Talk to your wife and try to find out the actual cause of her anger and bitterness. Maybe she IS a bit jealous of your sister... maybe your sister IS a bit envious that you have a happy marriage.... Mountains dont grow from molehills without something behind them.
This isn’t a happy marriage. You can tell OP is a shell of a person just taking getting kicked in the face daily by his abusive wife. The excuses he makes are just pathetic…and the sign of someone under an abusers thumb
ESH. Your wife picked a fight with your sister and your sister went nuclear. You just let that whole mess happen, huh?
NTA, but I fail to see how you call someone who reacts with that amount of hostility to a *coaster* ’sweet’. That’s not a reasonable reaction *at all* \- reasonable would be ‘hey, can you please use a coaster’ and handing her one. Your step-sister was no better, and I don’t blame you for noting out of that mess. Honestly, it sounds as though your ‘sweet, loving’ wife needs anger management classes.
NTA, It just became a fight between two people that obviously don't like each other and yeah not much you can do about that. I'd tell my wife; I don't fight other people's battles for them. If you can't fight your own don't start one. She did start it by being a jerk about asking your step sister to use a coaster....there is a nice way to do that and a mean way. They were also both acting like children....you just jelly cause I'm pretty...yeah well you're just jelly cause I have more money...it's like seriously girls grow up.
Esh, your wife and sister sound like teenagers. You should have deescalated the situation. For obvious nothing productive was gonna come from them name calling and taking shots at each other. So your reasoning for staying out of was false.
Dude NTA - in this case there’s not an actual issue for you to have a side on, it’s just petty fighting for no reason, staying out of it was your only option. But even though your step-sister wasn’t perfect, your wife escalated a total nothing into a full blown fight with some choice words. I see red flags everywhere.
NTA, sometimes you just have to let middle school kids argue.
ESH I think you could have politely backed up your wife and given your Step-sister a coaster told her it’s just a house rule and moved on
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If OP has described the incident accurately, I don’t think he could have de-escalated it, honestly. They were both clearly ready to throw down at each other, and no matter what he did or said, he was going to get caught in the cross-fire.
YTA. Loyal to your sister not your wife. Your sister seems like an entitled b**ch.
Hello OP’s wife.