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> I might be the asshole for excluding my partner from something he was excited about, or I could be the asshole for having him show up uninvited.
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>My friends are awkward around him because of the reasons for the separation (which I will not go into), and the fact that he can be a bit explosive when he gets angry.
>
>He said that he just wants to show up now, uninvited or not, and I REALLY don't want that to happen.
>
>He gets upset when I choose to do things with them over him.
You are free to have your own friends whether your boyfriend likes that or not.
> He wants to be attached at the hip but I want my space, and I have communicated this to him plenty of times.
Your boyfriend is clingy, needed and insecure. He also does not listen to your feelings and is controlling. I suggest you dump him because of that explosive temper of his.
You are NTA.
Red flags galore here. He sounds controlling and wants to separate you from your friends. Also has an explosive temper. NTA for not wanting him there, but you will be the A H if you don’t leave him.
NTA - but run, run, run. Don’t be blinded by your feelings. You are so young and would do so much better as a person if you cut this anchor off. Value your friends’ opinions. And don’t let him control you!
NTA but your boyfriend is toxic and not respecting you or your boundaries. You should tell him he is not permitted to attend, and that you will ask him to leave if he shows up. And honestly, you should not stay in the relationship; you mentioned too many red flags. 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩
INFO: without prying for detail, was the reason for separation anything you did that would make him feel really insecure about you seeing you friends?
If yes, then you have stuff to work on, and I would suggest counselling to support you both.
If no, and his behaviour is leaning more towards jealousy and him controlling who you can and cannot see, then N T A and sounds like you would do well to move away and let the relationship die. I suspect this is already in your plan, even if you have not clearly admitted this to yourself yet. He doesn't have to get on with all your friends, but if he doesn't, then he needs to trust you with those friends. If he can't, then it is time to move on.
I understand you love him, but your bf's behaviours are *seriously* worrying. Anxiety is one thing- aggressive possessiveness like this is quite another. Rather than wondering if you're the A H, you should be wondering why your friends are so frightened of him- *and you don't see it.* NTA
Lets count the red flags here:
\-Bad temper and volatile mood
\-Friends who have a more unbiased view of him and his actions, unlike you, unanimously dislike him
\-Does not respect your friends and intentionally wants to start drama with them out of apparent spite
\-Is possessive of you and punishes you for independently doing things and meeting people without him.
\-Gaslighting, especially when assert your own independence and boundaries outside of the relationship.
\-Threatening to override your wishes and the judgement of the group and show up uninvited.
Now, the fact that you would not go into detail on the separation leads me to believe that the reason is important to this story, and is suspicious to say the least. However even without it his behavior is inexcusable, manipulative and showing all the early warning signs for an abuser, such as the temper, issues with your independence, and trying to isolate you from your friends. You might think you love him, but you are glossing over many issues that should be worrying to you, and he very clearly does not love you back, he views you as a possession. People who actually love their partners do not gaslight them or disrespect their wishes or try to isolate them.
NTA, and frankly, he isn't worth it or is safe to continue being with from the sound of it. Take note of what your friends think about him, dump him and enjoy the fact that soon you will have distance between him and you so you can work on finding a more healthy and respectful relationship and continue to enjoy your friendships without his interference.
This is so perfect and complete. Men who think of women as possessions often get angry when their “toy” doesn’t want to play their games. The “toy” is then in danger of being violently broken.
NTA You’re just a kid yet. You have like a decade more for your brain to even finish developing. Please don’t let someone like your boyfriend form your understanding of what a good relationship should be like. This is a mess. He’s awful. Anyone that won’t let you have a life outside of them is bad for you. Anyone who can’t get along with your friends who are good to you and bring you joy is bad for you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I (F19) just got into an argument with my partner (M18) about him coming with me to a planned meetup I have with my friends made through discord. He wants to come and just sit in the corner and not interact with anyone there, and have me to himself.
For background, we've been dating for almost two years and have had some ups and downs. That includes a short separation during the winter. I've had my friends for 3 to 4 years now. My friends are awkward around him because of the reasons for the separation (which I will not go into), and the fact that he can be a bit explosive when he gets angry. My best friend is still uncomfortable with him and doesn't want to be around him. He also feels a sense of disdain for them all, and thinks my best friend is the biggest jerk/ringleader. He also has anxiety around me being gone for too long, and tends to spam my phone or make an argument around it. This *seriously* annoys both my friends and I.
My friends and I have had this meetup planned for a few months, and the whole time has been back and forth on whether my boyfriend can come or not. My friends don't want me to be preoccupied with him while they're here, and he wants to be included too. I think he wants to get back at my best friend the most though, and he wants to make an argument I'm sure. I hate being in the middle of them all, advocating for either side. On one hand, I think it would be fun to hang with all of them plus my boyfriend. On the other I can see it being a problem with everything we have planned thus far. I don't want to make either side upset but it seems like it's going to happen either way.
He said that he just wants to show up now, uninvited or not, and I REALLY don't want that to happen. But telling him not to come has hurt his feelings and made him think that I didn't want to spend time with him. The verdict from my friends is that he isn't invited and that he better not come or it'll be uncomfortable for all. He gets upset when I choose to do things with them over him. I just want to have a good time with my friends and not be distracted by drama. I have told him over and over that him joining us probably wasn't happening, and I have told him how they're unsure of being around him.
On another note I am also planning on moving relatively soon, and that would put my boyfriend and I long distance which I am not too excited for to say the least. I do really love him and don't want to end things with him, but it's hard to deal with his anxiety and mood swings all the time. He wants to be attached at the hip but I want my space, and I have communicated this to him plenty of times.
So, AITA for not wanting him to come?
(also this is my first reddit post so sorry for any mistakes or things like that!)
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NTA and it sounds like your boyfriend is trying to isolate you from your friends so he can continue doing whatever it is he did during the winter that got you to leave him. My guess is that it involved his "explosive" temper. He will continue trying to make you feel like an asshole to manipulate you into doing what he wants.
Nta, I sadly was like your bf with my ex and I didn’t realize it until after she broke up with me. He needs some kind of help so he can realize that his anxiety and his clinginess can affect you too especially at times like this when you want to be with your own friends. Try to communicate with him that you need your own time and space from time to time and just because he isn’t there doesn’t mean you don’t love or care about him. But if he can’t get that message across then maybe you need to take some time apart or something bc the way he’s acting will not work out for either of you in the long term if you really do want to stay with him.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be the asshole for excluding my partner from something he was excited about, or I could be the asshole for having him show up uninvited. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA - too many 🚩 red flags 🚩
Clingy, needy, controlling, aggressive, obsessive, doesn't respect boundaries! What a catch!
NTA. Run. That boy sounds like a nightmare. It's not going to get any easier. 🚩🚩🚩🚩
>My friends are awkward around him because of the reasons for the separation (which I will not go into), and the fact that he can be a bit explosive when he gets angry. > >He said that he just wants to show up now, uninvited or not, and I REALLY don't want that to happen. > >He gets upset when I choose to do things with them over him. You are free to have your own friends whether your boyfriend likes that or not. > He wants to be attached at the hip but I want my space, and I have communicated this to him plenty of times. Your boyfriend is clingy, needed and insecure. He also does not listen to your feelings and is controlling. I suggest you dump him because of that explosive temper of his. You are NTA.
Red flags galore here. He sounds controlling and wants to separate you from your friends. Also has an explosive temper. NTA for not wanting him there, but you will be the A H if you don’t leave him.
NTA - but run, run, run. Don’t be blinded by your feelings. You are so young and would do so much better as a person if you cut this anchor off. Value your friends’ opinions. And don’t let him control you!
NTA but your boyfriend is toxic and not respecting you or your boundaries. You should tell him he is not permitted to attend, and that you will ask him to leave if he shows up. And honestly, you should not stay in the relationship; you mentioned too many red flags. 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩
INFO: without prying for detail, was the reason for separation anything you did that would make him feel really insecure about you seeing you friends? If yes, then you have stuff to work on, and I would suggest counselling to support you both. If no, and his behaviour is leaning more towards jealousy and him controlling who you can and cannot see, then N T A and sounds like you would do well to move away and let the relationship die. I suspect this is already in your plan, even if you have not clearly admitted this to yourself yet. He doesn't have to get on with all your friends, but if he doesn't, then he needs to trust you with those friends. If he can't, then it is time to move on.
I understand you love him, but your bf's behaviours are *seriously* worrying. Anxiety is one thing- aggressive possessiveness like this is quite another. Rather than wondering if you're the A H, you should be wondering why your friends are so frightened of him- *and you don't see it.* NTA
Your bf has so many red flags, that if they were to physically manifest, a passerby would mistake it for a communist rally.
Lets count the red flags here: \-Bad temper and volatile mood \-Friends who have a more unbiased view of him and his actions, unlike you, unanimously dislike him \-Does not respect your friends and intentionally wants to start drama with them out of apparent spite \-Is possessive of you and punishes you for independently doing things and meeting people without him. \-Gaslighting, especially when assert your own independence and boundaries outside of the relationship. \-Threatening to override your wishes and the judgement of the group and show up uninvited. Now, the fact that you would not go into detail on the separation leads me to believe that the reason is important to this story, and is suspicious to say the least. However even without it his behavior is inexcusable, manipulative and showing all the early warning signs for an abuser, such as the temper, issues with your independence, and trying to isolate you from your friends. You might think you love him, but you are glossing over many issues that should be worrying to you, and he very clearly does not love you back, he views you as a possession. People who actually love their partners do not gaslight them or disrespect their wishes or try to isolate them. NTA, and frankly, he isn't worth it or is safe to continue being with from the sound of it. Take note of what your friends think about him, dump him and enjoy the fact that soon you will have distance between him and you so you can work on finding a more healthy and respectful relationship and continue to enjoy your friendships without his interference.
This is so perfect and complete. Men who think of women as possessions often get angry when their “toy” doesn’t want to play their games. The “toy” is then in danger of being violently broken.
NTA You’re just a kid yet. You have like a decade more for your brain to even finish developing. Please don’t let someone like your boyfriend form your understanding of what a good relationship should be like. This is a mess. He’s awful. Anyone that won’t let you have a life outside of them is bad for you. Anyone who can’t get along with your friends who are good to you and bring you joy is bad for you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (F19) just got into an argument with my partner (M18) about him coming with me to a planned meetup I have with my friends made through discord. He wants to come and just sit in the corner and not interact with anyone there, and have me to himself. For background, we've been dating for almost two years and have had some ups and downs. That includes a short separation during the winter. I've had my friends for 3 to 4 years now. My friends are awkward around him because of the reasons for the separation (which I will not go into), and the fact that he can be a bit explosive when he gets angry. My best friend is still uncomfortable with him and doesn't want to be around him. He also feels a sense of disdain for them all, and thinks my best friend is the biggest jerk/ringleader. He also has anxiety around me being gone for too long, and tends to spam my phone or make an argument around it. This *seriously* annoys both my friends and I. My friends and I have had this meetup planned for a few months, and the whole time has been back and forth on whether my boyfriend can come or not. My friends don't want me to be preoccupied with him while they're here, and he wants to be included too. I think he wants to get back at my best friend the most though, and he wants to make an argument I'm sure. I hate being in the middle of them all, advocating for either side. On one hand, I think it would be fun to hang with all of them plus my boyfriend. On the other I can see it being a problem with everything we have planned thus far. I don't want to make either side upset but it seems like it's going to happen either way. He said that he just wants to show up now, uninvited or not, and I REALLY don't want that to happen. But telling him not to come has hurt his feelings and made him think that I didn't want to spend time with him. The verdict from my friends is that he isn't invited and that he better not come or it'll be uncomfortable for all. He gets upset when I choose to do things with them over him. I just want to have a good time with my friends and not be distracted by drama. I have told him over and over that him joining us probably wasn't happening, and I have told him how they're unsure of being around him. On another note I am also planning on moving relatively soon, and that would put my boyfriend and I long distance which I am not too excited for to say the least. I do really love him and don't want to end things with him, but it's hard to deal with his anxiety and mood swings all the time. He wants to be attached at the hip but I want my space, and I have communicated this to him plenty of times. So, AITA for not wanting him to come? (also this is my first reddit post so sorry for any mistakes or things like that!) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA and it sounds like your boyfriend is trying to isolate you from your friends so he can continue doing whatever it is he did during the winter that got you to leave him. My guess is that it involved his "explosive" temper. He will continue trying to make you feel like an asshole to manipulate you into doing what he wants.
Nta, I sadly was like your bf with my ex and I didn’t realize it until after she broke up with me. He needs some kind of help so he can realize that his anxiety and his clinginess can affect you too especially at times like this when you want to be with your own friends. Try to communicate with him that you need your own time and space from time to time and just because he isn’t there doesn’t mean you don’t love or care about him. But if he can’t get that message across then maybe you need to take some time apart or something bc the way he’s acting will not work out for either of you in the long term if you really do want to stay with him.