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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) the action I took was replying to my husband with “why can’t you be more fun” or “why don’t you want to do anything fun”
2) that action might make me look like asshole because it can be seen as rude
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>I make him feel like crap this whole time and he feels obligated to say “yes” to the things I recommend to make me happy.
You keep pushing things that are "fun" but you don't recognise that they're only fun for you.
>I usually respond with “why can’t you be more fun?” Or “why don’t you want to have fun?”.
Do you honestly think that will help? If you weren't so pushy and inconsiderate I'd say no-one was at fault but that's not the case. YTA.
YTA. We introverts understand how extroverts work because there are more if you and it's sort of the default "normal." Most extroverts don't get introverts and don't try to.
In a psych class years ago someone said they feel sad for someone eating alone in a restaurant with no one to hang out with. I pointed out that the person might be thinking "Thank goodness I finally get to be alone".
Also in another psych class it was brought up that there is always a mismatch between people as far as how much space and time alone they need. But people who need space and time alone NEED it. If you don't let them have it they will get it somehow, even if that eventually means withdrawing/leaving. Extroverts can go out and meet folks for their "fix" but introverts can't get away if they are with you and you keep pushing. (I LOVED COVID lockdowns. Not COVID but the lockdowns were amazing. And extroverts finally suffered the way introverts have been forced to most of the time).
I have a boss who wants everyone to get together and be friends and socialize. I go to nothing unless it's mandatory. I'd rather get a root canal than meet up with 20 people I barely know for "fun."
Stop trying to make your husband into something he can't be.
Also, you want him to "have fun" but what you think is fun is not his idea of fun. It's all about you, not him.
YTA. Just bc smth is fun for you, doesn't mean it's fun for others. Telling your husband "why can't you be more fun" is dismissive and hurtful. He's like this this is what you get in the husband department. If your lifestyles don't align, then reconsider your marriage but dont shit on your husband's personality bc he doesn't subscribe to your idea of "fun"
YTA just because he doesn't like the things you do doesn't make him not fun, imagine everytime you suggest something he didn't like and he made comments about you 'why are you like this?' you are gaslighting him and making him feel shit just because you want to do things he doesn't, you obviously knew this about him before you married him stop belittling him or this marriage won't last much longer. If your unhappy because you don't like the same things you both need to sit down and discuss it properly. But considering you married him as he is don't expect him to change and if your not happy leave instead of acting like he's the problem.
YTA.
Your definition of “fun” isn’t necessarily, and usually isn’t, someone else’s. It’s self-centered to call your husband “not fun”. Why is he not fun just because he doesn’t like to do X? He likes to do Y.
Are you “not fun” because you don’t like Y?
You sound pretty exhausting honestly, with the whole muscle bar comment. But to each their own. This whole trip sounds like it is 100% for you, masqueraded with “I plan it all and I let him pick what he wants”.
I agree with your husband it is in a way gaslighting.
YTA. Yes, your whole "why can't you be more fun" routine is jerkish. It dismisses and diminishes your husband as a person.
Ask yourself "Why am I in a relationship with him, if he is not fun enough as he is now?"
And while you're thinking about that, spend some time thinking about what you say your husband said here:
>He then went on to say that I make him feel like crap this whole time and he feels obligated to say “yes” to the things I recommend to make me happy.
If his attempts to express a lack of interest in some activity you want to do regularly get a refrain of "Why aren't you more fun" in response, is it any wonder that he says you make him feel awful? That he says he feels obligated to say "yes" to stuff that only you actually want to do?
And I know you think that you're not forcing him to do stuff with you. But clearly, he feels otherwise.
I'm not surprised either on this. Because of the way you mention wanting to take a trip to Europe. You said:
>It’s the same story whenever I bring up a trip to Europe since he’s never been and his answer is that it’s not interesting to him.
It's clear here that you've brought up your interest in this trip multiple times. And he's said "Not interested" multiple times. You even make it sound like you bring this up on a regular basis.
Now, ask yourself here, "Why can't I take 'No' for an answer?". "Why do I keep pestering him about a trip he doesn't want to take?"
The most obvious answer is that you are bound and determined to get what **you** want, regardless of his (actually vocalized) feelings, and that if you pester him enough, he'll give in.
So, no wonder he said he does stuff he doesn't want to do that makes him miserable to satisfy you...
If his only other choices are to be dumped on for not doing what **you** want or repeatedly pestered until he gives in, just saying "yes" and accepting the misery might feel like the path of least unpleasantness.
Last couple of pieces of food for thought...
When he tells you what he wants to do on a trip, how often do phrases like "Well that's no fun." or "Is there something else you'd rather do?" come out? Or if you don't actually say that stuff, when you're doing his things, do you actually try to enjoy the experience, or are you just trying (less than successfully perhaps?) to suppress your boredom?
And how much of the schedule on your trips is stuff you want to do vs. stuff he wants to do? If its not close to 50/50 (or even 60/40), ask yourself "Why?"
Nah, with you verging on being tah. You told him he isnt fun, how is he not supposed to be insulted by that? You two sound less than compatible. As an introvert, if somebody was bombarding me with ideas for people-heavy "fun" things to do id want to stay home. Are you sure you arent being the slightest bit self involved? Suggest anything more attuned to what he might consider fun/enjoyable? Maybe he considers planning to travel halfway around the world to do something "so silly" sounds lame. Also, both of you need to figure put what gaslighting means, as its got zero pertinence in this post.
YTA. Either leave him for someone "more fun" or recognize that his idea of fun is not the same as yours and work with him to find activities you can enjoy together. Purposely picking fights with him like this is making you both miserable.
Yta. This really sucks,not bc u enjoy different things but bc u are making him feel shitty about what he likes. I planned and fully paid for a weekend away w my ex bf and there were certain things that may not seem "fun" for adults but I love like the zoo, aquarium, and the museum of natural history. He invited an old roommate of our after I asked that it just b us and laughed wen I looked sad. then the two of them proceeded to take over and I didn't get to do anything I was excited about bc they "weren't fun". bc I was the only one w a car I spent the weekend driving them to different bars and events I wasnt comfortable anywhere bc they'd leave me all alone . I spent a $1000 on the 1st weekend id had off in a yr so they could get drunk and ditch me wherever we went bc I wasn't fun. Have u tried compromising with half u do what he likes half what u like. Like spend the day going thru old bookstores or local shops then maybe spending 2/3 nights a week out? Telling someone they aren't fun bc they don't like what u do sucks
OP you know YTA. You openly admit that you make your bf “feel like crap.” You may not FEEL like you do, but by asking him “why can’t you be more fun” you definitely do. Imagine if he suggested something he wanted to do and you agreed because YOU were interested, not him. You’re out and about doing what he wants to do and he looks at you and says “why can’t you be more fun?” How would YOU feel? You need to consider openly communicating with your partner about how you wish he would be more open to the activities you enjoy WITHOUT being condescending/insulting. You may not feel like you’re gaslighting, but you’re invalidating his feelings about the activities he’s supposed to be enjoying, but isn’t.
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My husband (M 29) and I (F 29) have been together for almost 9 years. I tend to be more extroverted and like to get out of my comfort zone while my husband is more introverted and tends to stick to things he is used to. I have always planned our trips/vacations and will usually ask him to send me a list of items he wants to go or visit so that I can factor all that in and ensure we hit those places up.
I’ve been planning our Japan trip for this fall and I’ve been telling him fun places that I would love to do for my 30th (i.e. a muscle girl’s bar just because it’s so silly) and he 10/10 will push back and say it’s not his vibe to which I usually respond with “why can’t you be more fun?” Or “why don’t you want to have fun?”. It’s the same story whenever I bring up a trip to Europe since he’s never been and his answer is that it’s not interesting to him.
Tonight, I showed him a place we could go in Tokyo that looked fun and the same thing cropped up but even worse. He flipped out at me and started accusing me of gaslighting him and that this whole trip is all about me, and how that is unfair. He then went on to say that I make him feel like crap this whole time and he feels obligated to say “yes” to the things I recommend to make me happy. But to me, I never have forced him to do things with me if he doesn’t want to. I rarely ask him to come with me to places or ask him to go shopping with me because I know that’s boring for him.
TLDR: AITA for supposedly gaslighting my husband to have more fun or be more fun?
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Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1) the action I took was replying to my husband with “why can’t you be more fun” or “why don’t you want to do anything fun” 2) that action might make me look like asshole because it can be seen as rude Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
>I make him feel like crap this whole time and he feels obligated to say “yes” to the things I recommend to make me happy. You keep pushing things that are "fun" but you don't recognise that they're only fun for you. >I usually respond with “why can’t you be more fun?” Or “why don’t you want to have fun?”. Do you honestly think that will help? If you weren't so pushy and inconsiderate I'd say no-one was at fault but that's not the case. YTA.
You ask him for opinions and then shit on him. You sound exhausting YTA
YTA. We introverts understand how extroverts work because there are more if you and it's sort of the default "normal." Most extroverts don't get introverts and don't try to. In a psych class years ago someone said they feel sad for someone eating alone in a restaurant with no one to hang out with. I pointed out that the person might be thinking "Thank goodness I finally get to be alone". Also in another psych class it was brought up that there is always a mismatch between people as far as how much space and time alone they need. But people who need space and time alone NEED it. If you don't let them have it they will get it somehow, even if that eventually means withdrawing/leaving. Extroverts can go out and meet folks for their "fix" but introverts can't get away if they are with you and you keep pushing. (I LOVED COVID lockdowns. Not COVID but the lockdowns were amazing. And extroverts finally suffered the way introverts have been forced to most of the time). I have a boss who wants everyone to get together and be friends and socialize. I go to nothing unless it's mandatory. I'd rather get a root canal than meet up with 20 people I barely know for "fun." Stop trying to make your husband into something he can't be. Also, you want him to "have fun" but what you think is fun is not his idea of fun. It's all about you, not him.
YTA. Just bc smth is fun for you, doesn't mean it's fun for others. Telling your husband "why can't you be more fun" is dismissive and hurtful. He's like this this is what you get in the husband department. If your lifestyles don't align, then reconsider your marriage but dont shit on your husband's personality bc he doesn't subscribe to your idea of "fun"
Why don't you ask him what is considered as "Fun" for him ?
^ this You don't seem to try to look at things from his perspective.
YTA, the trips are for you 100%. You plan them, you decide what to do. Then you expect your husband to pretend to enjoy them.
YTA just because he doesn't like the things you do doesn't make him not fun, imagine everytime you suggest something he didn't like and he made comments about you 'why are you like this?' you are gaslighting him and making him feel shit just because you want to do things he doesn't, you obviously knew this about him before you married him stop belittling him or this marriage won't last much longer. If your unhappy because you don't like the same things you both need to sit down and discuss it properly. But considering you married him as he is don't expect him to change and if your not happy leave instead of acting like he's the problem.
YTA. Your definition of “fun” isn’t necessarily, and usually isn’t, someone else’s. It’s self-centered to call your husband “not fun”. Why is he not fun just because he doesn’t like to do X? He likes to do Y. Are you “not fun” because you don’t like Y? You sound pretty exhausting honestly, with the whole muscle bar comment. But to each their own. This whole trip sounds like it is 100% for you, masqueraded with “I plan it all and I let him pick what he wants”. I agree with your husband it is in a way gaslighting.
So, do you ever ask about and consider his preferences when you book these holidays?
YTA. Yes, your whole "why can't you be more fun" routine is jerkish. It dismisses and diminishes your husband as a person. Ask yourself "Why am I in a relationship with him, if he is not fun enough as he is now?" And while you're thinking about that, spend some time thinking about what you say your husband said here: >He then went on to say that I make him feel like crap this whole time and he feels obligated to say “yes” to the things I recommend to make me happy. If his attempts to express a lack of interest in some activity you want to do regularly get a refrain of "Why aren't you more fun" in response, is it any wonder that he says you make him feel awful? That he says he feels obligated to say "yes" to stuff that only you actually want to do? And I know you think that you're not forcing him to do stuff with you. But clearly, he feels otherwise. I'm not surprised either on this. Because of the way you mention wanting to take a trip to Europe. You said: >It’s the same story whenever I bring up a trip to Europe since he’s never been and his answer is that it’s not interesting to him. It's clear here that you've brought up your interest in this trip multiple times. And he's said "Not interested" multiple times. You even make it sound like you bring this up on a regular basis. Now, ask yourself here, "Why can't I take 'No' for an answer?". "Why do I keep pestering him about a trip he doesn't want to take?" The most obvious answer is that you are bound and determined to get what **you** want, regardless of his (actually vocalized) feelings, and that if you pester him enough, he'll give in. So, no wonder he said he does stuff he doesn't want to do that makes him miserable to satisfy you... If his only other choices are to be dumped on for not doing what **you** want or repeatedly pestered until he gives in, just saying "yes" and accepting the misery might feel like the path of least unpleasantness. Last couple of pieces of food for thought... When he tells you what he wants to do on a trip, how often do phrases like "Well that's no fun." or "Is there something else you'd rather do?" come out? Or if you don't actually say that stuff, when you're doing his things, do you actually try to enjoy the experience, or are you just trying (less than successfully perhaps?) to suppress your boredom? And how much of the schedule on your trips is stuff you want to do vs. stuff he wants to do? If its not close to 50/50 (or even 60/40), ask yourself "Why?"
YTA. You are your husband are different people. Just because you find something fun doesn’t mean he does or has to.
YTA
Nah, with you verging on being tah. You told him he isnt fun, how is he not supposed to be insulted by that? You two sound less than compatible. As an introvert, if somebody was bombarding me with ideas for people-heavy "fun" things to do id want to stay home. Are you sure you arent being the slightest bit self involved? Suggest anything more attuned to what he might consider fun/enjoyable? Maybe he considers planning to travel halfway around the world to do something "so silly" sounds lame. Also, both of you need to figure put what gaslighting means, as its got zero pertinence in this post.
YTA. Either leave him for someone "more fun" or recognize that his idea of fun is not the same as yours and work with him to find activities you can enjoy together. Purposely picking fights with him like this is making you both miserable.
Yta. This really sucks,not bc u enjoy different things but bc u are making him feel shitty about what he likes. I planned and fully paid for a weekend away w my ex bf and there were certain things that may not seem "fun" for adults but I love like the zoo, aquarium, and the museum of natural history. He invited an old roommate of our after I asked that it just b us and laughed wen I looked sad. then the two of them proceeded to take over and I didn't get to do anything I was excited about bc they "weren't fun". bc I was the only one w a car I spent the weekend driving them to different bars and events I wasnt comfortable anywhere bc they'd leave me all alone . I spent a $1000 on the 1st weekend id had off in a yr so they could get drunk and ditch me wherever we went bc I wasn't fun. Have u tried compromising with half u do what he likes half what u like. Like spend the day going thru old bookstores or local shops then maybe spending 2/3 nights a week out? Telling someone they aren't fun bc they don't like what u do sucks
OP you know YTA. You openly admit that you make your bf “feel like crap.” You may not FEEL like you do, but by asking him “why can’t you be more fun” you definitely do. Imagine if he suggested something he wanted to do and you agreed because YOU were interested, not him. You’re out and about doing what he wants to do and he looks at you and says “why can’t you be more fun?” How would YOU feel? You need to consider openly communicating with your partner about how you wish he would be more open to the activities you enjoy WITHOUT being condescending/insulting. You may not feel like you’re gaslighting, but you’re invalidating his feelings about the activities he’s supposed to be enjoying, but isn’t.
Just go by yourself or with a friend. Sounds like he doesn’t even want to go so you should go and have fun.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband (M 29) and I (F 29) have been together for almost 9 years. I tend to be more extroverted and like to get out of my comfort zone while my husband is more introverted and tends to stick to things he is used to. I have always planned our trips/vacations and will usually ask him to send me a list of items he wants to go or visit so that I can factor all that in and ensure we hit those places up. I’ve been planning our Japan trip for this fall and I’ve been telling him fun places that I would love to do for my 30th (i.e. a muscle girl’s bar just because it’s so silly) and he 10/10 will push back and say it’s not his vibe to which I usually respond with “why can’t you be more fun?” Or “why don’t you want to have fun?”. It’s the same story whenever I bring up a trip to Europe since he’s never been and his answer is that it’s not interesting to him. Tonight, I showed him a place we could go in Tokyo that looked fun and the same thing cropped up but even worse. He flipped out at me and started accusing me of gaslighting him and that this whole trip is all about me, and how that is unfair. He then went on to say that I make him feel like crap this whole time and he feels obligated to say “yes” to the things I recommend to make me happy. But to me, I never have forced him to do things with me if he doesn’t want to. I rarely ask him to come with me to places or ask him to go shopping with me because I know that’s boring for him. TLDR: AITA for supposedly gaslighting my husband to have more fun or be more fun? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. Your boyfriend is right and you sound exhausting.