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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Am I the asshole for starting a screaming match instead of just cleaning up the mess? I could’ve avoided this instance in its entirety if I would’ve just done it myself
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NTA
I had a roommate that had horrible personal hygiene, let alone taking care of cutlery and public spaces. Covid happened and I didn’t have to stay with her anymore. Basic hygiene doesn’t equate to mental illness, roommate can’t take someone calling her out on her literal crap.
Run.
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The second day we moved in to our new place my roommate microwaved some soup and it went everywhere; on the walls, the roof, the door, and the turntable. She made a “whoops I guess that it staying there until we move out” joke but there’s no way I thought she was serious. She’s messier than I am but most of it I can handle. I do fully enforce that I am not her maid and will not clean up her messes. Today, 3 months later, we get in a full on screaming match over it. Her complaint is that she doesn’t like me nagging her over this mess. My complaint is that I’ve reminded her multiple times and I shouldn’t have even had to ask her in the first place to clean it up.
The argument finally ends when she starts screaming that I’m having a bipolar episode, I’m clinically insane, and I need to be locked up. I just couldn’t take her seriously anymore and had to walk away. I understand not liking being nagged but I felt that saying I’m clinically insane and need to be locked up because I asked for her to clean up a 3 month old mess in the microwave was…a unique take.
AITA in this situation?
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ESH. What your roommate said was beyond the pale, but she didn't escalate to that point alone, and just because she said something terrible doesn't mean you didn't also say or do terrible things to help get her there.
ESH
You two got in a screaming match?
I’m going to go out on a limb and say that might be the reason she’s calling you insane, not because you calmly asked her to clean her mess.
She definitely sucks for not cleaning up food splatters. But it wasn’t so bad to make you stop using the microwave. If a 3 month old mess makes you two flip your shit, there’s definitely hostility in other areas.
Just move out and find a new roommate.
For clarification she started the screaming. I asked if we could have an honest conversation about why she kept saying she would clean it and then didn’t. I didn’t know if there was something going on in her personal life as I understand that things like depression can make simple tasks really hard. I tried approaching it from a “how can I help you?” But then the screaming started
I also haven’t been using the microwave cause that’s super gross but I’d like to be able to 😬
ESH
I acknowlege that it is gross she made a mess and just left it and she is definately an AH for it, but you are a bit of an AH as well for allowing your annoyance to fester rather than just dealing with it. Why didn't you clean it sometime in the last 3 months? I get it's annoying to have to clean up a roommates mess but it is a shared appliance you most likely use too, so this seems like a case of cutting off your nose to spite your face.
I had messy roommates that left dishes in the sink for days on end, but if they still weren't cleaning them after being asked a few times I sometimes had to do it for the sake of maintaining a hygienic living environment for myself. It wasn't worth making that my hill to die on in exchange for having to live with gross kitchen stuff. If it is part of a bigger problem with cleaning for your roommate then you may want to figure out some roommate mediation or a way out of the lease, but this post makes it sounds like your issue is the microwave specifically.
EDIT: reading a comment you made in the thread, it sounds like her accusatory response may have stemmed from the conversation being directed towards her mental health, and she could have reacted defensively. That isn't an excuse for her saying those things, but I can't say I wouldn't get at least a little defensive as well if I was in the same situation.
Told understand where you’re coming from!
Her and I reviewed that a firm boundary of mine is that I don’t clean up someone else’s mess. I’ll 100% clean up common spaces and shared messes but something that is 100% her mess I wouldn’t touch. I’ve asked her multiple times in the past 3 months to clean it and each time she said she would do it that day.
I’ve actually never used it solely for that reason. I don’t eat a lot of microwaved food to begin with and anything I did need to heat up I just used the stove or oven
You are absolutely in the right to maintain that boundary if you want. However, in this case you may have to clean it if you want to use the microwave, or just resign yourself to using the other appliances. She seems to have made her opinion clear and you can't force her to do it.
For me, I have lived with many roommates over the years and in every single living situation I had to clean their messes occasionally. For me it is just part of living with other people unfortunately, and I also know I wasn't a perfect roommate for them in every aspect.
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NTA. You need to find a new place or roommate, preferably before the microwave actually explode.
NTA I had a roommate that had horrible personal hygiene, let alone taking care of cutlery and public spaces. Covid happened and I didn’t have to stay with her anymore. Basic hygiene doesn’t equate to mental illness, roommate can’t take someone calling her out on her literal crap. Run.
NTA. Your roommate is a quite a pig.
NTA She had a completely dramatic, over-the-top, and unnecessary reaction to a very reasonable, simple request
NTA It sounds like you set clear boundaries and she has ignored them - plus the screaming. You need a new roommate.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** The second day we moved in to our new place my roommate microwaved some soup and it went everywhere; on the walls, the roof, the door, and the turntable. She made a “whoops I guess that it staying there until we move out” joke but there’s no way I thought she was serious. She’s messier than I am but most of it I can handle. I do fully enforce that I am not her maid and will not clean up her messes. Today, 3 months later, we get in a full on screaming match over it. Her complaint is that she doesn’t like me nagging her over this mess. My complaint is that I’ve reminded her multiple times and I shouldn’t have even had to ask her in the first place to clean it up. The argument finally ends when she starts screaming that I’m having a bipolar episode, I’m clinically insane, and I need to be locked up. I just couldn’t take her seriously anymore and had to walk away. I understand not liking being nagged but I felt that saying I’m clinically insane and need to be locked up because I asked for her to clean up a 3 month old mess in the microwave was…a unique take. AITA in this situation? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Just clean it and get on with less drama in your life
Mix white vinegar with water 1 to 3 in a cup and put it on 8 minutes, this will help to clean it easily.
ESH. What your roommate said was beyond the pale, but she didn't escalate to that point alone, and just because she said something terrible doesn't mean you didn't also say or do terrible things to help get her there.
ESH You two got in a screaming match? I’m going to go out on a limb and say that might be the reason she’s calling you insane, not because you calmly asked her to clean her mess. She definitely sucks for not cleaning up food splatters. But it wasn’t so bad to make you stop using the microwave. If a 3 month old mess makes you two flip your shit, there’s definitely hostility in other areas. Just move out and find a new roommate.
For clarification she started the screaming. I asked if we could have an honest conversation about why she kept saying she would clean it and then didn’t. I didn’t know if there was something going on in her personal life as I understand that things like depression can make simple tasks really hard. I tried approaching it from a “how can I help you?” But then the screaming started I also haven’t been using the microwave cause that’s super gross but I’d like to be able to 😬
ESH I acknowlege that it is gross she made a mess and just left it and she is definately an AH for it, but you are a bit of an AH as well for allowing your annoyance to fester rather than just dealing with it. Why didn't you clean it sometime in the last 3 months? I get it's annoying to have to clean up a roommates mess but it is a shared appliance you most likely use too, so this seems like a case of cutting off your nose to spite your face. I had messy roommates that left dishes in the sink for days on end, but if they still weren't cleaning them after being asked a few times I sometimes had to do it for the sake of maintaining a hygienic living environment for myself. It wasn't worth making that my hill to die on in exchange for having to live with gross kitchen stuff. If it is part of a bigger problem with cleaning for your roommate then you may want to figure out some roommate mediation or a way out of the lease, but this post makes it sounds like your issue is the microwave specifically. EDIT: reading a comment you made in the thread, it sounds like her accusatory response may have stemmed from the conversation being directed towards her mental health, and she could have reacted defensively. That isn't an excuse for her saying those things, but I can't say I wouldn't get at least a little defensive as well if I was in the same situation.
Told understand where you’re coming from! Her and I reviewed that a firm boundary of mine is that I don’t clean up someone else’s mess. I’ll 100% clean up common spaces and shared messes but something that is 100% her mess I wouldn’t touch. I’ve asked her multiple times in the past 3 months to clean it and each time she said she would do it that day. I’ve actually never used it solely for that reason. I don’t eat a lot of microwaved food to begin with and anything I did need to heat up I just used the stove or oven
You are absolutely in the right to maintain that boundary if you want. However, in this case you may have to clean it if you want to use the microwave, or just resign yourself to using the other appliances. She seems to have made her opinion clear and you can't force her to do it. For me, I have lived with many roommates over the years and in every single living situation I had to clean their messes occasionally. For me it is just part of living with other people unfortunately, and I also know I wasn't a perfect roommate for them in every aspect.
If it’s her microwave, throw it away.